#i feel so sad and terrible for every person in that hospital right now

[sweetlittlegingy]

Can't Breath Whenever You're Gone

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✦Pairing: Father Figure Jake x Single!Mom

✦Word Count: 5.2 k

✦Warnings: Ansty, Fluff, slight smut (Jake calls himself daddy once), pregnancy, deployment, sad Maty

✦A/n: I have tried to post this like 8 times, it better work. I'm sorry for the wait guys, I hope you like it! Lots of love - G

✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)

The low ache in your back had become a constant; leaning down to pick up the second batch of laundry, the six-month belly just out of the way. Rising back up, one arm carrying the laundry, the other caressing your more than noticeable bump.

You feel a sharp kick, pressing your palm back into the spot, you can feel Little Miss move, pressing farther into your hand. A laugh falls from your lips, she wasn’t even here yet and she was stubborn just like her father.

The pregnancy came as a surprise, though you weren’t trying to avoid pregnancy, it still was a shock when you found out. The four pregnancy tests you’d taken, after being nauseous every morning for a week, proved that your family was about to grow by one.

The shock of it all, couldn’t stop the nerves from kicking in.

Your pregnancy with Mathew hadn’t been easy. Your nausea lasting the whole 40 weeks, making it hard for you to maintain a healthy weight. You ended up getting weekly IVs from the hospital and being up on two different nausea medications.

In the first trimester, this time nausea hit you hard and at all times of the day, the bathroom had become a second home, and Jake could barely handle it. Constantly at your side, holding your hair or rubbing your back. Mathew had been ecstatic when he found out, though the now six-and-a-half-year-old, had a hard time seeing you so sick.

Even having a conversation with your belly, telling the baby that they needed to be nice to you.

That was before you found out that you were having a girl, and thankfully the nausea had calmed after your fourteen-week mark, making your days actually enjoyable.

 You’d been able to find out the sex of your baby just before Jake deployed when you were twenty weeks, and you’d both been thankful he could be with you in person to hear.

He’d been overjoyed when you the doctor told you. The smile never left his face on the drive home. Telling you, now that you had one of each, the next one could be a surprise.

You’d smacked him and told him, you wanted to get through this one before even thinking about another. Jake had only given you a teasing smile and kissed your hand, resting it in his lap for the drive home.

That was a month ago now, and all three of you were missing him terribly. Right after you’d found out you were pregnant; Jake had taken to talking to your stomach nightly. You’d told him that the peanut was too small, but he hadn’t cared. Holding nightly conversations with them, ranging from stories about flying, to what had happened during his day.

You’re sure that Little Miss had gotten used to her daddy’s voice, because now without his nightly talks, she has taken to becoming very active during the night. Mathew was having quite the time with Jake being gone as well. The first week he had cried every night and though his tears had slowed, the month had been wearing on the little guy.

Thankfully school kept his mind busy during the day, and Lacey had promised to call if he got upset during the day.  Summer vacation was just around the corner for Maty and though he loved second grade, he was so excited about the year ahead. He was going full-time on base and Auntie Lacey, Bob’s wife, would be his teacher for third grade.

You were thankful for the relationship the two of you had developed over the last 2 years, she’d become one of your closest friends and was always there to help with Mathew.

When she found out that you were expecting and that the boys were getting deployed, she took up a permeant residence in your home. Taking over pick up and drop off completely, saying that your house was on her way to school anyway.

Your house was in fact a good bit out of her way, but you weren’t about to argue with the woman. Bob might have been quiet and shy in public, but his sweet, loving teacher of a wife, was anything but.

Lacey, like her third graders, was an endless ball of energy. She was the most positive person you’d ever met and extremely organized. But when she decided that something was going to happen, then it was happening. Her stubbornness rivaled that of Jakes. A fact that had you cackling, when the two of them bickered.

Placing the laundry away, you head back into the kitchen, looking for something to snack on before you start on dinner. Music streams out of the speaker on the counter, a playlist that you’d made after Jake threw you into the world that is 90’s country, on a trip to Texas. You’d fallen in love with the music, on a night out and always listened to it when Jake was gone.

You hum along to the beat of Brooks and Dunn, swaying your hips along to the music, hand resting on your bump. Little Miss takes to rolling around, clearly enjoying the music.

“You like that one sweetpea?” The song changes and she rolls again. “Your daddy’s gonna be pleased with your taste in music.”

You grab the strawberries out of the fridge, singing along to the music. Your mind wandering, sure that Jake and your little girl would have the exact relationship stated in the song.

“When she was three years old on her daddy's knee, he said you can be anything you want to be. She's a wild one, runnin' free.—”

The ringing of your phone cuts off your singing, Jake’s ringtone cutting through, and has you hurrying to pick it up. He rarely got to call you, the carrier was continuously going in and out of service, making it hard to talk.

You pick up the phone, lowering the volume of the music.

“Baby?”

“Hi, darlin’.” The sound of Jake's voice has you crying, your hormones working against you. The gasp that leaves your lips, alerts Jake of your crying. 

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Your hand comes up, brushing the tears from your eyes, doing your best to stop them.

“It’s just my hormones Jakey.” You pause, trying to settle the quiver in your voice. “We just miss you.”

A sad laugh falls from your lips, wedging the phone between your shoulder and ear, you move to sit down. Both of your hands rubbing your swollen bump, calming yourself and Little Miss. She’d noticed you crying, when you were slightly gasping for breath, no doubt disturbing her.

“I know sweets, I’ll be home soon.”

You knew that he couldn’t give you a return date, the both of you silently hoping that it would be before your due date. While it was months away, this last month had gone by fast, and though you hadn’t told Jake, you were worried.

“How is everything? How are my babies?” His voice sounds tired, and you wonder how long it’s been since he’d slept properly.

He’d told you before, that sleeping on the carrier calmed him, and being able to do what he loved made the uncomfortable bed worth it. Though something had changed, shortly after Mathew had started calling Jake daddy, deployments started causing Jake more stress than joy.

He'd told you that he missed the both of you. Missed seeing you and Maty every day, but you could tell that there was more behind it. You hadn’t wanted to push him, but you worried and with you pregnant, the worrying had increased ten-fold.

You relay what had been going on in the last couple of days, and Jake silently listens. Humming occasionally, just happy to hear your voice and feel closer to you.

“She’s been moving around a lot more this last week and I’ve blown up like a balloon.” You’d loved that you could carry your angels, but without Jake here to love on you, your self-esteem had plummeted.

“I look like a damn whale Jake.” The topic causes another onset of tears to converge in your waterline. “And I can’t stop crying.”

“Oh baby, no you are so fucking gorgeous.”

“You can’t even see me, Jacob!” You didn’t mean to snap at him, and before you can apologize, Jake is laughing at you.

“Don’t need to see you, to know how gorgeous you look.” Pure love in his voice and has your tears drying up quickly.

“How did I get so lucky with you Mr. Seresin?” His laugh breaks through the phone, loud enough that it echoes in your quiet living room.

“I’m just that good Mrs. Seresin.”

Though you hadn’t tied the knot yet, the title became one used often. The engagement ring resting on your hand catches the afternoon sunlight and a soft smile graces your lips. “I love you.” The hand creasing your belly receives a sudden push and you watch as Little Miss turns, her outline faint through your tank top.

“I love you too darlin’.” You can hear the smile in his voice and decide to put Jake on speaker.  Bringing the phone to your belly, you feel her move towards the sound as Jake tells you about his day.

“Darling, I think that someone is feeling left out of the conversation. I’ve got you resting on the belly and Little Miss is going crazy for her daddy.”

You hear the broken laugh crack through the phone and then you hear a soft sniffle.

“Hi baby girl, daddy misses you and your bubba so much.”

“Oh baby, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

You hadn’t even thought about how telling Jake that the babies missed him, would make him feel. Though he was soft and sweet in front of you, in comparison to how he was with others, it was a rare sight to see Jake cry.

“No sweetheart, I just hate not being there. She’s never gonna be this little again, and Maty is going to third grade. I feel like I’m missing everything.” The shutter that echoes through the phone, has tears welling up in your eyes.

 “I just never realized that it would hurt this much.”

You take a few deep breaths, trying to calm your own tears not wanting Jake to feel even worse, and eventually, you both calm down.

Jake talks to your belly; you sit listening and enjoying the sound of his voice. If you close your eyes, it almost feels like he’s back home with you. Though your conversation is cut short, when you hear Bradley over the phone. Muffled voices ring over the phone, grunting and you swear you hear someone yell ouch, before Bradley’s voice yells out your name.

“Hi B, how are you?” You can’t help the laugh that breaks from you when you hear, Bradley telling Jake that he has to share. That he needed to check on his little sister and Jake could get over it. That thought is followed by the sound of a smack and Bradley whining over the phone.

“He’s mean with he’s not with you, Y/n. Control your husband.”

“He’s not my husband yet B.” You’re laughing at their antics, not having laughed this much since they left.

“No, he’s yours Y/n. No givebacks, his receipt clearly states non-returnable.”

The phone once again is dropped, and then you hear a door slammed. You were happy that they had each other, and knowing that they were together lessened your anxiety. They might fight like siblings, but they’d developed an unbreakable bond over the years.

It’s Jake's voice that comes across the phone once again, “I’ve gotta go, baby.”

The both of you are quiet for a moment longer, the lightheartedness of Bradley showing up suddenly gone.

“I don’t know when I’ll get to call you again sweetheart.”

Your heart slightly cracks, and the reality of your current situation sets in. Jake was in the middle of the ocean and not just for drills, but for an actual mission that could end horribly.

“I know.” You hate the way your voice cracks, hate that you are inevitably making Jake feel worse.

“Given Mathew a kiss for me Sweets.”

You hum quietly, too afraid to speak knowing that your voice would break. You’re both waiting, making the call last as long as possible, but Jake eventually breaks the peaceful silence.

“I love you, Sweets.”

“I love you too, Jacob.” The tears from your waterline fall, and you don’t bother to stop the sniffle that leaves you.

“You’ve gotta hang up baby, or we’ll never get off.”

Your heads nodding, even though Jake can’t see it, hating that he always made you hang up. It’d become a thing when you’d first became friends and now it was natural.

“You come home to us Jacob Grant Seresin.”

Your finger hits the end button before Jake has the chance to reply. Slowly bringing the phone down to sit in your lap, you can’t stop the tears as they stream down your face. It was never easy being away from Jake, but right now, at this moment you couldn’t remember a time when your heart hurt worse.

Sobs rack through your body, your hands faintly shaking as you lay down on the couch. Clutching the decorative pillow to your chest with one hand, your other rubs comforting circles onto your swollen belly.

…

You hadn’t realized you’d fell asleep until you hear the front door opening. Your eyes aching, the tears you’d shed emotionally draining you, and you wanted nothing more than to go to sleep for the night. Though the padding sound of small feet, has you rubbing your eyes trying to hide how much you’d been crying.

“Mommy!”

Mathew rushes towards you, a smile on his face as he goes straight to your belly. Lacey’s figure follows behind him, and you give her a warm smile.

“How was school?” You ask the both of them, though Maty is too busy talking quietly to your stomach. Rubbing in the place where his sister had just kicked, and places a soft kiss on the spot, before continuing to tell her about his day.

“It was good, happy that it’s the weekend though. Plus, Bobby called me at lunch, so thank was nice.” The smile that graces her face as she mentions Robert, has you smiling at the girl. The sight of her quietly spinning the wedding band on her finger, makes you feel not so lonely.

“Jake called today too.”

The mention of his name has Mathew’s attention instantly, no longer interested in telling Little Miss about his day.

“Daddy called?”

His voice is so hopeful, and you feel horrible that he wasn’t home, causing him to miss the chance to talk to Jake. They had only been able to talk once while Jake had been gone, and you could tell that it upset the both of them. Their schedule never seemed to match up, or the boat was just out of service. The one call had been a happy coincidence, having kept Mathew home from school after being up all night.

Which had been a problem in itself.

Mathew’s nightmares had slowed down massively since you’d gotten together with Jake, he’d filled a void that Mathew had, and now with him gone, it was like the void had reappeared.

You’d given up the idea of Mathew sleeping in his room, after the first week and brought him into bed with you. The both of you slept better having the other close, and the nightmares had slowed, though not gone away.

“Yeah, sweetheart.” A sad smile graces your face when you see how Mathew’s face drops. “Daddy said to tell you that he loves you so much though, and that he will be home soon.”

Mathew's faces drops, tucking himself into your belly and gives you a soft nod. Your hand combs through his hair, comforting him as much as possible. The tears that you feel wetting your shirt, have you pulling him up into your lap.

You see Lacey give you a sad smile, as she points to the door and tells you to call her later. Your mouth a thank you, while rocking Mathew back and forth. His tears eventually slow and turn into hiccupping sounds. He pulls away from your chest, a tear-stained face and you almost start crying again.

You give him a reassuring smile, hand brushing through his hair, and plant a kiss on his forehead.

“Daddy will be home soon, I promise buddy.”

“He’s saving people, right momma?”

“Yeah baby.”

This time it’s you that’s pulling him into your chest, doing your best not to cry in front of him. Tucking your head down to rest on top of his head, rocking the both of you to stop the tears.

The three of you had went to bed early that night, watching Toy Story in bed, and having family cuddles. You wrapped in one of Jake’s shirts and boxers, while Mathew clung to the blue plane blanket from Jake. His steady breathing calms you and lulls you into your own deep sleep.

…

One Month Later

You had officially reached 7 months and Mathew was starting his first week of summer vacation. May had flown by and you couldn’t believe that summer had finally started. Though California was warm year-round, the rising heat had been hell. You couldn’t seem to get cool, and your swollen stomach was always adorned in a sun dress.

Jake was still deployed, though Penny had mentioned that there was a possibility that they were coming home soon. Apparently, Mav had slipped up while talking to her, and she couldn’t keep it from you. She’d sworn you to secretly, meaning you couldn’t tell Lacey or Mathew, though you wouldn’t want to tell Mathew just yet. You were careful what you mentioned about the deployment to Maty, he and Jake were able to talk a few times within the last month, but he was still sensitive to the topic of Jake coming home.

You had your 7-month checkup today and Lacey was going to be picking the pair of you up, to take you. Walking from your shared bedroom, you call out from Mathew, wanting to make sure that he was at least somewhat matching.

He’d taken to picking out his clothes, stating that he was a big boy now and in charge of taking care of the house. A thought Jake had put into his head during their last conversation. Now that he was a big boy, that meant he could pick out his own clothes.

Peaking into his bedroom, you see him pulling a navy shirt over his head, happily surprised that the shirt parried well with his khaki shorts.

“You ready bubba? Auntie Lacey will be here soon.”

The turn of his little body towards you, has a look of concern painting your face as you see the pout marring Mathew's own.

“I can’t find my glasses momma, the ones like daddy’s.” His tone was clearly distressed and missing the sunglasses that matched Jake's own pair.

“Did you look on the counter sweetheart, I saw them there last night.”

A small shake of the head is all he replies before his legs are carrying him to the kitchen. Following behind him, much slower, you hear an “aha!” ring out that causes you to laugh. Coming to rest behind him, you gently kiss his head, when a knock sounds from your door. You hear the door open, and Lacey’s voice sounds out.

“Hellooooo, anybody home.”

“In the kitchen Lace.” Her figure rounds the corner of the kitchen and Mathew is hugging her instantly.

“How is my favorite nephew?”

A giggle erupts from Mathew’s chest and Lacey gives him a tight squeeze. “I’m your only nephew Auntie.”

She gives him a glance, acting as though she’s offended. “That may be so Mr. Mathew, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be my favorite as well.” 

Her hands drift to his waist, picking him up and then promptly tickling him. The both of them giggling, as you watch on with a fond smile. Lacey’s presence in your life, especially in the last two months, was a true gift and one that you could never truly repay. Though you knew that when she got pregnant, you would be at her side, just like she was for you.

Reaching for your purse, you check the time and see that its 12:20 and your appointment starts at 1 on the dot.

“Come on you two, we’ve got an appointment to get to.”

Lacey ushers you in front of her, still carrying Mathew out to her car, and buckling him into the booster seat that she’d bought for him.

“We get to go see sissy today, right momma.”

Looking back at Maty, the biggest smile rests on his face. You’d told him at the being of the week, you’d had an ultrasound and that he could come into the appointment and see his sister with you.

“Yes, sweetie.” You give him a smile, before buckling up, as Lacey pulls from your driveway.

The car ride is short and filled with music, enjoying the breeze of the day. The drive to the clinic doesn’t take long and before you know it, you’re making your way in, ten minutes before your appointment.

Going to the front desk you give them your name, while Mathew holds your hand silently observing. The buzzing of Lacey’s phone has her apologizing before she heads outside to answer the call. You think nothing of her excusing herself, thinking that she’s only left in consideration of the other patients.

Your name is called and though Lacey isn’t back inside yet, you and Mathew head back with the nurse. She takes your vitals and asks you to lay on the table, handing you a blanket to rest over your lap. You mention that Lacey had to step outside, and the nurse tells you that she will bring her back when she comes back into the office. She gives you and Mathew a smile before she leaves the room.

Doctor Jones is punctual as always and greets the both of you happily, asking you to raise your dress so that she can start. The ultrasound goes well, Doctor Jones answered each question that Mathew had and stated Little Miss is doing wonderful.

“She’s measuring just ahead of schedule, looking to be about 30 weeks, so 2 weeks ahead. We will keep an eye on it, but as of today, I think we can expect her around mid-August.” Her eyes leave yours to look back at Mathew, “Just before school starts buddy!”

His eyes light up in excitement, “Time for daddy to be home too!”

Doctor Jones looks back to you, both of your smiles faltering slightly.

“Yes, baby. Daddy’s got lots of time to get home.”

The doctor goes over a few things to watch out for, before sending you on your way. The sonogram image of Little Miss clutched in Mathew's hands excited to show Lacey. The nurse leads you back out into the main office, and Lacey is sitting waiting for the both of you. Her smile is massive and more than excited to see the image Mathew holds up in front of her face.

Your hand rests on your belly, and a few sharp kicks have you sucking in a breath, ready to get in the car to sit down for a bit.

“Are we ready to head out?” Lacey is rising to meet you, holding Maty’s hand to walk across the parking lot and the other resting on the small of your back. You give her a gracious smile, muttering a small yes.

The drive home is quick, your body is already tired from the day, and the small nap you had taken while driving is suddenly interrupted.

“Daddy!”

Your eyes shoot open, and there in your front yard are Jake and Robert waiting. Mathew is flying out of the car as soon as Lacey is parked, and you can’t stop the tears from falling as you look over at Lacey speechless.

“Did you know?”

“You think I would have left that appointment, if the phone call hadn’t been important.” The teasing smile she gives you, has you laughing through the tears. Giving her a hand a squeeze, a silent thank you, before opening the car door. The door stops before you can get it fully open, your eyes meeting a pair of black boots.

Following the uniform up, your eyes finally settle on Jake.

Your Jake, with Mathew resting on his hip. The onset of tears is never ending, as sobs uncontrollably fall from your lips.

Jake falls to his knees, setting Mathew on the ground and telling him to go see Uncle Bob, his hands reach out brushing the tears from your cheeks.

“Hi Sweets.”

Your figure moves for him, arms wrapping around his neck as you sob into his chest. He mutters sweet nothings into your hair, brushing his hand up and down your spine. The other one falls to rest on your belly.

“Your home? You’re really here?” Your voice sounds so small and Jake's heart sightly aches at your question.

“I’m home baby. Not leaving you again Sweets.” 

You miss the promise in his voice, only hearing his confirmation that he was here, with you and your babies finally. Your tear-stained face pulls back from Jake's chest and your hands are pulling his face down to yours instantly.

Lips meeting, slotting perfectly together after 8 long weeks apart. The tears coating your cheeks are no longer yours alone, pulling back you see tears lining Jake’s eyes. The smile he gives you, has you tugging him back down to your lips. His lips separate from your own lips; to your cheeks and jawline, peppering your face with kisses. Then moves down to your swollen bump and places a gentle kiss upon it as well.

You look up and see Lacey’s tear-stained face, Robert cradling her in his arms. The both of them enjoying the moment, as a small body comes tumbling back into Jake. His face moves from your bump, and he grabs Mathew tickling him, laughter falling from all three of your lips.

“Daddy, we saw sissy today!”

The photo Mathew still hadn’t let go is shoved at Jake, a large smile breaking onto his face as he grasps the sonogram. His hand moves to brush through Maty’s hair, bringing the little boy back into his chest, as he stares at the picture. His eyes move from the image, to your bump, and back to the image.

Jake brushes a kiss against Mathew’s head, then goes to stand up. His hand reaching out for you.

“Coming on darlin’, let’s get you three inside.”

His arms wrap around your waist and for a moment you fear that this is all a dream, that soon you’ll wake up in Lacey’s car, utterly alone.

You feel the hand on your waist give you a squeeze, your eyes meeting Jake's. Your foreheads rest against each other before a quick kiss is exchanged and you’re heading into the house.

Robert and Lacey stayed for dinner that night, the five of you deciding to order in pizza instead of trying to cook. You and Lacey worked in tandem cleaning up the kitchen, as the guys took Mathew out back to play.

He’d been so patient during dinner, eating a slice of pizza, then begged Jake and Robert to play. The guys had informed you that Mav and Penny were having a BBQ tomorrow night, celebrating a successful mission and that everyone was required to come.

You called Penny just after dinner, asking what she needed you to bring tomorrow, though she adamantly said you weren’t supposed to bring anything. After going back and forth, your sister eventually caved and told you to let Mathew pick out a dessert from the store. You complied and let Jake know that the three of you would need to stop by the store tomorrow, before going over.

Jake had walked Bob and Lacey to the door, telling them thanks for coming over, as well as thanking Lacey profusely for helping you while he was gone. The woman just patted him on the back, with a shrug of her shoulders, and stated that’s what family does. Giving her a nod, and then a wave to them both, he headed back in to find you leaning over the kitchen counter.

Sneaking up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist to settle just under your bump. With a lift of his hands, a moan left your lips, and you were settling back into his body. Your head leaned back, resting on his shoulders as the tension in your lower back dissipated.

“So good.”

A hum leaves his lips in acknowledgment of you before his lips meet the side of your neck. He traces a line of hot open mouth kisses along your neck, landing on the spot between your collarbone and neck. Sucking softly, on a mission to mark you after months away.

The haze in your mind is overwhelming as you push back against Jake, the feeling of his hardened length pressing into your lower back. You’d missed him so much and now with his hands on you, you felt like you could combust.

“Jake, what about Mathew?” You didn’t want him to stop, but you’d rather get Maty to bed before he saw just how his sissy was made.

Jake places one final kiss on your neck, before gently lowering your bump again, the weight of it settling in your back.

“I’ll go put him to bed, missed our nighttime routine, and you go get ready for bed.” You give him a questioning glance, one eyebrow-raising.

“Bed?” Your tone is slightly whiny and causes Jake to laugh. Turning your body to face him, he gives you a final kiss that has your toes curling.

“Bed darlin’,” His hand creeping up the inside of your thigh, underneath the sun dress, fingers grazing your clothed cunt. “You’ve got a long night ahead of you Sweets.” His fingers tease you, slip under your panties to run along your slit. Your legs tremble, hand clinging to his wrist, afraid that he’s going to pull away.

Jake smirks at you, so wound-up for him and he’d just barely touched you. The swirl of his finger on your clit has your head dropping back. He loved that you were always so needy for him, but you’d become exceptionally horny while pregnant. The pressure of his fingers leaves your clit, and a whine falls from your chest. Though the sound abruptly turns into a moan, when he sinks the digits into your heat.

“Jakey, —”

“I know baby. Such a good girl, fucking yourself on my fingers.”

His tone is condescending as he watches you push down into his hand. Though before you get anywhere, his fingers are gone and your eyes snap open. Watching as Jake licks your slick from the two fingers, pulling you in for a kiss that has you moaning. The tangy taste coating your tongue and making your arousal even more evident between your thighs.

The tap on your ass, has you pulling away. Your eyes blown out and filled with pure need, as you look at Jake.

“You’re not gonna be sleeping tonight, Sweets. Daddy has lots of time to make up for.”

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[goodnightmemes]

EVIL DEAD (2013) SENTENCE STARTERS

trigger warning for violence, foul language, and horror. feel free to change pronouns / terms / tense as needed!

❛ Only the evil book can undo what the evil book has done. ❜

❛ Please. I just want to go home. ❜

❛ [name]'s dead. You know that. You killed her. ❜

❛ No, why are you saying these things? ❜

❛ I'll rip your soul out, you pathetic fuck! ❜

❛ I will kill you like I killed your whore! ❜

❛ You were supposed to be here two hours ago. ❜

❛ I'll be damned. You actually came. ❜

❛ I know I look like road kill. ❜

❛ You're a charming liar, as always. ❜

❛ We always loved this place, didn't we? ❜

❛ I thought you didn't believe in that kind of stuff. ❜

❛ Promise me you'll stay with me until the end. ❜

❛ Looks like someone broke in. ❜

❛ Some teenagers probably just broke in here to drink beer and bump uglies. ❜

❛ Let's make this place livable. ❜

❛ I don't think you need sad memories in your head right now. ❜

❛ I wanted to be there. Okay? I did. ❜

❛ This time the only way is the hard way. ❜

❛ Look, we all need to be together on this. Otherwise it won't work. ❜

❛ I came here to make things better with my sister, not worse. ❜

❛ I can't stand that fucking smell anymore. ❜

❛ Withdrawal's kicking in hard. ❜

❛ Oh, is that blood? ❜

❛ Careful. These steps are old and rotten. ❜

❛ What the fuck happened here? ❜

❛ No, no, no. Voodoo is more about dolls and personal artifacts. This is something different. ❜

❛ You shouldn't have touched anything from that basement. ❜

❛ I'm going insane here. I feel like I'm losing my mind. ❜

❛ We can't lose you again. ❜

❛ Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot. To think for once in my life, I could count on you. ❜

❛ She's talking about a woman in the woods. How the forest attacked her. ❜

❛ Well, don't you think we should take her to a hospital? ❜

❛ I feel like we're in over our heads here. ❜

❛ If we leave now, all of this mess will have been for nothing. ❜

❛ Please. You have to get me out of here. ❜

❛ There was something in the woods. And I think it's in here with us now. ❜

❛ Look, you know it's all in your head. Just try to get it together. ❜

❛ Please, would you just get rid of that thing? ❜

❛ Open the fucking door! ❜

❛ Well, nobody could have known she would do something so twisted! ❜

❛ No, you should have known! We've all been following your lead since we got here. ❜

❛ We should have left when [name] wanted to. ❜

❛ Everything's gonna be fine. ❜

❛ I don't know if you've noticed this, but nothing has been fine. And everything's been getting worse every second. ❜

❛ Put the gun down, please. Put the fucking gun down! ❜

❛ One by one, we will take you! ❜

❛ You are all going to die tonight. ❜

❛ This is impossible. I just gave her enough sedative to put a horse to sleep. ❜

❛ I gotta get the shrapnel out of my arm. ❜

❛ I don't think a tranquilizer's gonna do shit. 'Cause I don't think we're dealing with a freaking panic attack here! ❜

❛ I'm scared that what's happening to [name] has something to do with the fucking witchcraft in the basement! ❜

❛ Oh, my God! Why the fuck did you do that? ❜

❛ I did something terrible. ❜

❛ That thing I killed was not [name]. ❜

❛ I read a passage from that book. It was... It was some sort of prayer. I released something. I released something evil. ❜

❛ Why did you lock me down here? ❜

❛ You got violent and we didn't know what else to do. ❜

❛ Look, something really terrible has happened and we have to get out of here now. Okay? ❜

❛ He's not gonna let you leave! And he's not gonna stop till he has you. Until he has all of you! ❜

❛ I can smell your filthy soul. ❜

❛ [name]'s not here, you fucking idiot! ❜

❛ I don't know why, but I thought this would end it. ❜

❛ There's some translations, but...just scattered notes. They all refer to some... evil entity. A taker of souls. A demon. ❜

❛ This thing is attached to [name]'s soul like a leech. It's becoming her. ❜

❛ If we want to stop this, if we want to help [name]...I think we're gonna have to kill her. ❜

❛ We're not gonna fucking kill anybody! Are you listening to yourself? ❜

❛ It doesn't matter where we go. If we don't do something right now, we're all gonna be dead by then! ❜

❛ We're gonna get you ❜

❛ I had to do it. And I feel much better now. ❜

❛ These inscriptions are confusing, sometimes contradictory, but they're consistent about one thing. In order to stop this, the possessed must be cleansed. Purified. ❜

❛ Am I sure? Of course not. This is not a science book! ❜

❛ If she dies, then this thing is gonna die with her. ❜

❛ You're just a fucking coward. You know exactly what we have to do, but you're too scared to go through with it. ❜

❛ I'm gonna burn this fucking place down. And I'm gonna end this nightmare. ❜

❛ Why don't you just run away? Go hide beneath some rock somewhere. You know you're great at that. ❜

❛ Why are you hurting me? ❜

❛ Don't die on me, please! ❜

❛ Dying wouldn't be so bad right now. I just don't want to become the devil's bitch. ❜

❛ I'm gonna do what I gotta do. Okay? ❜

❛ Why do you hate me? I know you do. ❜

❛ You're gonna burn in hell for trying to kill me, you motherfucker! ❜

❛ I'm so sorry. I should have been there. I should've been there for you. ❜

❛ I've had enough of this shit. ❜

❛ I will feast on your soul. ❜

❛ Feast on this, motherfucker! ❜

#rp meme #sentence starters #roleplay meme #roleplay prompts #inbox meme #horror rp meme #horror meme #horror prompts #*Movie #in honor of evil dead rise lol

[kahlanmars]

PAPER RINGS part. 7

The babies are baaaaack!

MASTERLIST

7. This is why we can't have nice things

You wake up in the morning with a bad headache and terrible nausea. You have to keep your eyes closed because the light is too heavy and the room won’t stop spinning. From the bed you can see you in the mirror of the makeup table and the vision you have is something else. Your hair is messy, your eyes look puffy and your skin is green, your lips are clearly dehydrated and your eyeshadows and lipstick are all over your face. Not your greatest look, but very capitol. The room is too bright and the light does not welcome you now. 

«If you have to puke, puke on the right.»

On your left, with a rough voice there is Finnick Odair, as waisted as you if not more, that is looking at you with a suspicious look, ready to fly away if you really have to vomit. His arm is under your waist, and he tightens the grip when he realizes you are waking up.

Because last night was terrible and he doesn’t want you to cry again.

Haymitch, Perla, Lora, Effie. You messed up badly with every person you love. With your eyes closed you see the look on their faces again.

You could have survived without Haymitch thanks to Effie. You can’t survive without Haymitch and Effie.

Stupid girl, you survived the Hunger Games, you can do this again, your internal (mean) voice tells you, but you survived thanks to them, because of them. When you are alone you are at your lowest point.

«I have lost everyone.» You state, frightened. You miss human touch, you crave human touch.

«You still have me.» Finnick argues and you thank heaven for him. Quite the best friend he is, and you can go in the same category just because you saved his life once. He did it twice and more. He never judged you. He knows your deepest secrets and he never dared to judge anything.

«Everybody hates me.» You whisper, and you hide your face on his chest. You try not to sob, and you can’t because you don’t have water in your body, but your eyes are shinier now. 

«Don’t be stupid, nobody hates you.» He strikes your hair. But he is lying, you are sure of it, you clearly remember Perla’s tone and Lora’s eyes. 

«You don’t hate me.» You try to get up, but your body doesn’t want to cooperate. «Finnick, I’m not feeling too well.» You are aware you act like a child, but you can’t get up to take your  medicine. 

He touches your forehead and raises his eyebrows. «You are feverish.»

«Must be the alcohol, I don’t drink often. With Haymitch at home I don’t risk it. I… didn’t risk it.»

«You should sleep it away.» Going back to bed is tempting, but Effie can’t stand you and you can’t abuse her hospitality now. You were so happy to share a home with her. You just wished you did more of the things you always saw in the movies. Effie was a wreck and you were even worse, it has not been the best timing.

«I can’t sleep, Fin. I have to go to a hotel.»

«A hotel?» 

«Yeah, Effie doesn’t want me home anymore. She doesn’t trust me anymore and you don’t want someone you don’t trust in your home.»

«I’ll talk to her.»

«No need.» Effie comes into the room and she hands you two a mug. She has makeup on again and her outfit is impeccable. And yet, you saw her dancing on the floor until morning. «I spent fifteen years  taking care of an addict and I have no intention to repeat history, okay?»

You and Finnick look at her like guilty puppies, well known she is totally right. She usually is. «Okay.»

Miss Trinket sighs and she looks at you, still a little annoyed.

«Now. Daisy, can you tell me what you do during the day?»

«Excuse me?» You don’t understand.

«Last night it wasn’t you. I have a theory, I want to understand, so answer me.»

«Well, I get up, I make breakfast and lunch-»

«For me?» She seems sad and ashamed by it and this is not the result you wanted. 

«For you, and sometimes for Portia. I go to work until six and a half p.m., I come home, I make dinner, I help you clean a little, we eat together and then I do the dishes and I work on the wedding dress until I fall asleep.»

«Where do you eat for lunch?»

«I eat an apple.» You start by saying it’s just a day, and then you go on and you suddenly tell yourself you don’t have time and you are not in the mood anyway, and it becomes a habit. 

«Just an apple? Why? Daisy, you need to eat! And to sleep! You make lunch for Effie and Portia, why not for you?»

«Because this is Effie’s food and she already hosts me.» You explain. But it’s not just that, it’s something else and you can’t quite put the finger on it, you can’t say it. In District Twelve there is not such thing as using food to control something. Food is a necessity.

«My God, darling girl, I never said you couldn’t eat!»

«But you are miserable all the time and I didn’t want to be a burden!»

«You are not a burden. And what about your money?»

«Partly is for Holly, I want to repay her, partly is for the wedding because Haymitch doesn’t want a big one so I want to contribute, and partly is for you. I was going to start paying rent.»

«So you sleep for hours at night, you eat an apple and a dinner, and between the chores at home, the job and the wedding dress you work all day. What did you buy for yourself in your time at the Capitol?»

«Uhm, nothing?»

 «What?»

«I have to save money! And I can do it.»

«You are burnt out.» She looks at you with her blue eyes so full of worrying. It must be a serious thing, but you have no idea what she is saying.

«What does it mean?» You ask her, 

«You don’t know it? Don’t you go to Doctor Aurelius?»

You blush. You were supposed to keep going, but the doctor is in Thirteen and it’s fine when you are in Twelve, but now you are in the Capitol and you canceled a lot of meetings.

«I’m supposed to go, but I’m really busy here.»

«Daisy… oh, darling girl.» She shakes her head and she goes near you. «Finnick, dear, can we have a moment alone, please?»

«I’ll go on the couch.» He answers, still sleepy from the night before.

You watch Effie like you are doing an exam. 

«I’m sorry. But it was for the best, I mean you are always tired and…» You begin, but she stops you.

«I get that you did it out of good intentions. But I need to believe in you.»

«You can!» You try not to cry again. «You are my best friend and I’m really sorry.»

«I still think you didn’t think it through, and that is because you are severely sleep deprived, but Daisy, what you did is wrong.»

«Totally wrong.» You confirm it.

«And you have your faults, my dear.» She rolls her eyes, totally unladylike, but she got soft on that part after the revolution. «Don’t look at me like a puppy, I forgive you.»

Maybe she didn’t expect the rush of you hugging her, but she strikes your hair anyway. You can’t lose Effie, you can manage to lose everybody else but not Effie. You clench your hands in her clothes.

«Unfortunately dear, that is not why I was here. This is a newspaper…»

On the cover there is you and Finnick, hugging in a club. You remember that part of the night, you were devastated because of the discussion with Perla and Lora and he was just comforting you.

There is a line in bold that says “ONCE A TRAITOR ALWAYS A TRAITOR?”.

You read the short paragraph in a hurry.

The former tribute Daisy Pinecone is caught in a passionate kiss with the leader of the rebellion Finnick Odair, who Capitol remembers as one of the most beloved victors of the Hunger Games of all times. Finnick Odair is married to Annie Cresta-Odair, and rumors tell us Daisy Pinecone was in a relationship with her mentor, Haymitch Abernathy. Trouble in paradise, open couple or shameless cheating? 

«Once a traitor? This is… This is…» You can’t find the right words. This is outrageous, you never betrayed anyone. And you are not a celebrity! Paparazzi were after YOU? You? You are nobody, only a tribute. Maybe they were after your friend, not you. Finnick was and still very much is a celebrity.

«Capitol propaganda.» Finnicks ends the line for you, appearing by the door. He looks better, he cleaned his face, but he is furious and rightfully so.

«Isn’t that supposed to be ancient history?» Effie asks, and she almost has tears in her eyes.

«We are not kissing!» You snap. «I was crying and we were hugging, we are not kissing!» 

If Haymitch thinks you two are kissing he can do anything. Or nothing, you don’t know if he still cares, you don’t know if you two are still together, but you don’t want him to think you are cheating. You are not a cheater. And what if Marjorie finds the magazine? She would give it to him as proof. They could kiss again. 

And Annie, oh poor Annie, who helped you so much. You feel like shit as the very thought, not only because of the kiss - she knows better than to believe that, but because she still got humiliated one way or another. 

«I’ll go check on Annie on the phone.» You see him leave and you can just murmur a phrase, a bit ashamed. It was your fault, you were crying.

«Please, tell her that I’m sorry.»

«You should sleep a little more. I’ll call Portia.» Effie kisses your head. You feel a lot comforted by her words, and sleeping a little more seems perfect. 

You use your free time from Portia to make amends with Perla and Lora, starting with Perla because you have to admit Lora’s words still hurt. 

You stop along the line to get some pastries and you knock at her and Cinna’s door. It’s Cinna who actually opens the door, in a black pair of jeans and a white shirt, and you have to admit you are curious about their house. 

You could have guessed, it’s very sober and moderate. The walls are white, all the furniture is in brown wood and there is no sign of an ornament, just some pictures of Cinna’s successes, and if you have to guest you think it’s Perla who hung them. Cinna seems like a humble man. 

It’s smaller than what you pictured, but then you remember Cinna lost almost everything in the war and Perla is a district girl, she is not wealthy. 

«This is not a good day, Daisy.» He warns you. What does he mean it’s not a good day? Does Perla have bad days? «Would you give her this? I was on my way to bring it to her.»

He hands you a cup of tea, and you nod.

The room is dark, and it scarcely reminds you about the times you caught Haymitch after a booze. 

«Ehi.» You whisper, and you see her. She is in the bed, and while she remains your brilliant friend, you can see she is tired and maybe sick. «Are you not feeling well?»

She takes the tea out of your hands, but then she puts it on the bedside table.  

«It’s nothing, it’s just a headache.» She briefly smiles at you and she shrugs. Her eyes are not smiling, though.

«I’m sorry about yesterday.» You taunt and you sit on the bed. «About jealousy and… I’m sorry. You were right.»

«It’s ok.» She murmurs. She looks like she is not even hearing you.

«You are worrying me, Perla.»

She stops smiling, her eyes are not shining and watering. You have never seen Perla like this. «I can't do this sometimes, Daisy.»

The confession shocks you. You are used to Strong Perla, she is the strongest of the trio, the one you know can handle herself. And that makes you selfish, you realize. Because you worry about Effie, you worry about Lora, but you never worry about Perla, because you think she is okay. She is your age, not younger like Lora, and she is from the District, not naivé and privileged like a Capitol girl, and she has a solid head on her neck, but that doesn’t mean she is not affected by the same things that shook you.

«What? But you have this special life, a job, a boyfriend and…» Your words fade.

«And you have the same life. Still, you tell me everything's alright?»

It's not and you both know it. The nightmares are so present in your life Doctor Aurelius suggested taking sleeping pills, but you are afraid you are going to be addicted to them. You saw how an addiction works, it's not pleasant and you do not wish to live the experience.

«Sometimes I can't get out of bed. I feel too tired and dizzy to even brush my teeth, and I know it's disgusting, I'm sorry.» She keeps going. «Sometimes I open my eyes and I’m still in that arena, in the caves, and I know I will have to kill or be killed. Sometimes I’m on the street and I suddenly remember the war. It’s the same street, Daisy. And I was there, fighting for my life. And I stand still, I can’t move even for hours, Cinna has to calm me down so much lately... You must think I’m crazy, it’s crazy…»

«It’s not. It’s usual for us.» You remember Doctor Aurelius’ voice. This is not your fault, this is Snow fault, and the Capitol, and later District Thirteen and Coin. Not yours. You are a victim, you have been a victim and there is no shame in this.

Except you feel guilty sometimes, and you bet Perla does too. Because you are here, you are alive and a lot of people are not, Capitol citizens, your classmates in Twelve, the kids. 

«Us?» She asks, and she is abruptly younger than her age, she is just eyes, her big, big blue eyes.

«Tributes.» You explain, and you hop in the bed close to her. 

«You are rocking this Capitol world…» She looks down.

«I wasn’t on the mission. I got caught by Thirteen before the action because I killed Caius, remember?» You fix her hair over her ear. «But I can’t go in the ocean, or open water for what it matters. And I’m not a big fan of a dark place like a cave. We all have our fragilities…»

«I’m not weak.» Her voice is harder now, rough. You know her so much and it must be a torture for her to perceive herself as fragile. You remember how much time she spent trying to convince herself she wasn’t in love, just because she didn’t want to depend on another person, as selfless and wonderful Cinna was.

«You are not! You are a member of the revolution, Perla, you volunteered for the mission! No one can think you are weak. But we are…» You can’t find the right word, because you don’t want to hurt her more.

«Damaged.» She finishes off for you.

«But we can be damaged together. Would you want it?» You propose. She just nods and she squeezes your hand, and you take it as a win.

After the long talk with Perla, you just want to go to bed ready to clear things out with Lora tomorrow. You can sleep more, now that you don’t need to work on your wedding dress, and you seriously need it because you are exhausted. 

But your plans are not these ones for tonight, because lining against the door there is Haymitch.

You didn’t remember every detail in your dreams. He is here, his blonde hair loose on his shoulders, his magnetic blue eyes forged on your sight, with little wrinkles on the sides. He looks slightly older, like he is really tired or sick, but dear heavens he is handsome.

You can't totally explain why you are so in love with him. He is just that charismatic and beautiful, and his brain is so fascinating to watch at work. And he is a good man, a very good one. 

«She didn’t want to let me in.» He explains. You missed his deep voice so much you already have chills on your spine.

He looks at you. 

You look at him.

And you both burst into laughs like you are utterly stupid. And then just like magic your laughing turns into sobbing.

«We will talk, we will make up but please, just tell me if you still love me.» You feel so stupid but you have to ask yourself this question, because what once was a stupid banter got so big in your head you don’t know what is real anymore.

«What a stupid question, of course I still love you.»

When you see him you try not to cry, but he wraps his arms around your waist and he kisses you and you swear he watches you like you hang up the moon, and you burst into tears against his chest.

«I missed you so much. I’m sorry.» You didn’t want to cry, the whole point here is being an adult and you are not behaving like one.

«I’m here now, babygirl, I’m here now. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.» He wanted to come, he wanted to come sooner. He wasn’t with Marjorie. 

«I’m sorry I didn’t call.» You say it at the same time.

«I screwed up, Sweetheart.» It’s cold outside but you can’t do anything right now, even if you are aware the common thing would be to tell him to join you in the house. 

«I slapped you.» You remind him.

«I deserved it.» He grants. And he did, the first instinct was to chop his head off, he kissed another woman. He kissed the love of his previous life.

«I know you didn’t want to kiss her. I know it. Because you love me, right?» You want him to tell you. He doesn’t like to say it often and you respect it, it brings back memories of when everyone he loved died, you usually don’t push it. He says it in other things, like giving you the last bite of a sweet, or preparing you your favorite meals, or kissing your head while you are sleeping. Usually it’s enough, but not now.

«You are the love of my life.» He kisses you again, and you almost moan. You moan from a kiss, and it’s pathetic you are well aware of it, but the butterflies on the stomach are dancing rock and roll.

«And you are the love of mine. I swear.» You take his hand. It’s an overkill, because you are already in his arms, where you belong, but you want to feel his skin.

«Things are… I didn’t want to be damaged. I tried and I tried to be perfect for you, but I’m not.»

«I didn’t want perfection, I wanted you.» You say, and you are cheating a little because you are giving him puppy eyes, but this way he knows you mean it.

«But you deserve it. Every time you come into the room you bring the light. You are, I…» He is working himself up, so you put a hand on his chest.

«Easy.»

«I tried to suppress what I didn’t want you to see, and it’s fucking hard. I was a victor for all my life, and now I don’t even know who I am.»

That actually makes sense. If you live all your life in a certain way, it’s hard to change even for the better. But you wish he just told you.

«Haymitch, I was your maid, I was your tribute, I was your friend before. I know you, and I knew what I was dealing with when I decided to begin this relationship. But I love you. I love you when you are brooding and when you don’t like people and… we all have issues, we all made mistakes. To be fair I thought you had a strange behavior these days. Loving you was not a choice, but if I could have a choice I would love you again and again for the rest of my life.»

This speech is marvelous, you admit to yourself, and you earn another kiss. Now that you can move, you come home and you go straight to your room, but only to talk, at least for now. Your first instinct is to toss him on the bed and have your way with him, you are still Daisy Pinecone and he is still fucking attractive, but you are about to be twenty six. You have to be an adult.

«Okay, cards on the table. Tell me what you tried to force.» You smile at him, and you hope the smile is welcoming.

«Living with another person it’s fucking hard. And you are not that difficult to live with, but sometimes I need… I need to be alone. Not time, space. I need some place for myself.»

«That can be arranged, I would use some space just for myself too. We can have a room just for us and a room together.»

«Sometimes I need silence. I love your voice, but I’m used to my silence. I’m not one of the people who talks when they are alone in a room, I enjoy the lack of words.»

You laugh. «I’ll be quiet.»

«Well, that’s it. I tried to force my attitude…»

«I love your brooding attitude, it’s sexy.» You kiss his protests away, «No other complaints?»

«Nope. Your turn, Sweetheart.»

You expect to be hurt, but these are reasonable demands. He needs to be alone, it’s okay. You are aware you are a cuddler, but you can look for cuddles elsewhere. Effie is always welcoming you for hugs. 

«I don’t want a small wedding. It won’t be a big wedding I assure you, but… a medium one. With all our friends and food and a big cake from Peeta. Katniss can sing. I’m doing the outfits. No cameras allowed, I promise you. But I don’t want just a toasting. I promise it will be very district, not Capitol. Is it okay?»

«Yes. Yes, of course.» He kisses your hand.

«And I want you to want it. I don’t want you to say yes because of me, if you changed your mind…» Maybe he loves you but he doesn’t want to get married. You got it granted last time, it’s not something you wanted so badly.

«I want to be your husband. I don’t care much for the ceremony, but I’ll spend the rest of my life wanting you. And I want to call you my wife.»

You blush and smile when he puts two fingers under your chin to lift it up and he gives you a sweet, sweet kiss. «You are stuck with me.»

«I thought I lost you.» You confess.

«We don’t deal well with the lack of sleep.» 

«Definitely not. Perla wanted to kill you.»

«I bet.» He snorts.

«I love you.» You whisper against his lips. «I was totally lost without you.»

The kiss grows messier and you suddenly remember it’s two whole weeks you don’t kiss him.

«I missed you so much, Sweetheart. I’m proud to be yours.»

«So proud you can dance at the wedding?» You try.

«Nope. So proud I can watch you dance and I can picture you naked the whole time.» 

You blush again - is this okay to be so affected by the man you sleep with for about a year? - and kiss him again giggling. «Rude.»

«Oh come on, don’t act like it doesn’t turn you on.»

You shove him, but then you push him on the mattress and you climb on his lap. «My love?»

«Yes?» He asks you with a smirk on his smug face.

«Show me how much you love me.»

#bad feeling #haymitch x fem!reader #haymitch abernathy x reader #haymitch abernathy x you #haymitch x reader #haymitch imagine #haymitch abernathy #woody harrelson #fanfiction #the hunger games #paper rings #thg fanfiction #thg series #thg #katniss everdeen #finnick odair #effie trinket #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair x you #daisy pinecone #princess daisy

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

I want to be a person who isn't routinely incapacitated by outsized emotions. most of the therapists I've had have said I just have a lot of empathy. I feel like i would be more useful and productive as a person if I didn't.

(under the cut I meander around about my family a lot)

when I was in high school I took an elective called Global Conflicts In The Modern World. we watched a lot of documentaries and I had to sit in the hall during 90% of them after the first one where I had a panic attack because these terrible things were happening to real humans somewhere in the world. I could read about it, but something about the videos took me out at the knees.

the thing is, my panic attack was not helpful to anybody. I was not making any of those people's lives and situations better by being unable to bear looking at them head-on.

I sometimes think being this way is a character flaw. like, we have an obligation to bear witness, right? do we? I can't do it. I can't bear witness. it incapacitates me.

I'm now going to meander from the subject of real tragedy to the whole thing with my grandfather again. sorry.

my dad's logic points weren't totally wrong. he wants to die. as a child I was closer to my grandmother than to him. he's hard to talk to. he wasn't always nice.

but, like--- I don't think the people he hurt (my mother, who is not sad at all or at least projecting the appearance of not being sad at all) are obligated to be sad about him dying. that's not my point.

but also, I think everyone should be grieved for when they're dying. he was a curmudgeon and sometimes an asshole and he loved me. that's the last thing he said to me, I said "I love you," as we were leaving and he took my hand and said "I love you too, little girl."

I call a bunch of my relatives every Sunday. my paternal grandmother used to do it but then she died and then I started doing it. I want to keep in touch with people, especially my brother and some of my aunts. and I called my grandparents every week. my grandmother used to talk to me and then she stopped being able to use a phone because of the dementia. so I would talk to him for five minutes a week.

sometimes he'd talk about wanting to die. sometimes he'd talk about something he remembered-- the cats he had when he was a child, or something he used to do for work, taking the train to work. little stories. he could never talk for very long, but we'd say "I love you" and he'd always say "keep calling, little girl, keep calling." I think he liked having someone to talk to for a few minutes.

how am I supposed to look at this weird, curmudgeonly, sometimes mean man who loved me and not be sad that he's dying? my mom doesn't have to be but she facilitated a relationship between me and then when I was little and now he's my grandpop who I love because of course I do. dad acts like there's nothing to grieve. I can't talk to mom about it, that wouldn't be fair to her.

when my other two grandparents died, everybody was sad and nobody treated me like a space alien for being sad. it was still impossible. the priest at my grandfather's wake talked about how it was a good time to assess your life and get right with God. he talked about going to hell and I lost my mind and sobbed in the lobby. I missed my grandmother's actual funeral because I threw up so bad I had to go to the hospital, story of my life, but I went to her wake and sat with my great-uncle, the cool one who shut down my parents' ableist nonsense when I was a kid*. and I was in the living room when everyone got together to look at pictures and talk about her. I did not feel like I was on the moon with my grief.

*lets end this on a positive note. one time while we were in Ireland with my cool great-uncle I was having trouble cutting up some chicken or whatever and my mom started in on the "what are you going to do on a date with a boy if you can't cut your food with a knife and fork?"

this is a thing she did that genuinely fucked me up later, actually.

anyway, my uncle said "she'll order the spaghetti!" and I carry that with me forever, both as an actual strategy and a reminder of the fact that some of my relatives are cool, actually. it's possible to love me without wanting to fix me.

[salty-dracon]

I Think Hraesvelgr FFXIV Is An Asshole Actually, Explained Through Violent Fictional Suburban Drama

TW child death, animal death

...

Okay, so imagine you’re a person who lives in a suburban neighborhood and doesn’t own a dog. You don’t hate them, you don’t love them, and you’re just fine with them harmlessly existing. You’re dog-neutral. So are most of your neighbors. But a few of them have dogs, like that newlywed couple that lives down the street (miniature poodle) or that one middle-aged woman who lives near the stop sign (three-legged medium sized terrier of some sort), or that sports guy who goes running with his Husky every morning. That’s fine, you don’t interact with them much, and you’re aware that they live in the neighborhood, but you’re personally not a dog person.

And then there are some people who hate dogs. Old Man Jenkins down the road, for one. You heard from this lady named Marsha at the neighborhood Fourth of July party that Jenkins watched his little brother get mauled by a neighbor’s violent, unrestrained Labrador when he was like twelve years old, and that kind of fucked him up for life. I mean, it would fuck anyone up. You get it. Jenkins thinks dogs are a menace, and he’s entitled to those thoughts (your mom hates dogs too), but maybe he should really get some therapy.

And then one day the newlywed couple’s miniature poodle ends up dead. Someone fed her a dog treat with a nail hidden inside, and the poor thing’s dead. The couple’s distraught, and you’re not quite sure how to help them out. But you feel terrible for the poor poodle.

And then one week later, the middle aged woman’s three-legged terrier mix is dead, because it was out in the yard, sleeping in its doghouse, and someone unlocked the fence and somehow attacked it while it was sleeping. It couldn’t get on its feet fast enough to fight back. That’s awful. You talked to her, and you brought a meal, because you worried she wasn’t eating, and she said, ‘Buttercup never hurt anyone! What kind of monster would just break into my house and kill her?!’ before bursting into tears.

And then one day later, the sports guy’s Siberian Husky is found with a stab wound in its side. It’s pretty small, probably a rusty nail, but it was howling all night until its owner woke up and rushed it to the animal hospital. He’ll live, but when you went to go visit him, the dog whined when he saw you. Sports guy gave a sad look and said that he was scared of people now. Wow, that’s just awful.

So by now, law enforcement is getting involved. More dogs are being killed. It’s sickening to watch, and people want to move out. Even Marsha, who doesn’t own a dog but does have three kids, is scared of them being hurt. But eventually a stray security camera manages to catch someone in the acts.

It was Jenkins who killed all those dogs.

They’re formally questioning him, but everyone knows that it’s because of what happened when he was twelve, and he watched the neighbor’s dog attack his own younger brother. That was messed up. Still, the death toll is, what, nine dogs now? And you just can’t help but think that all of those dogs are innocent in all of this. Sure, you’ve never hung out with most of them, but the middle aged woman’s terrier mix was disabled, and you’d seen it have trouble walking before. Why would someone kill it?

But no, it’s because a Labrador killed his brother, he’s just got to kill all of those other dogs, who have committed no mortal dog sins of their own.

And all of your neighbors agree- what happened to Jenkins’ brother was fucked up. We know we’ve never met him, and we know we can never feel the pain he’s feeling, but what gives him the right to attack the neighborhood’s other dogs?

And these dogs had lives, families, favorite toys, memories, and some of them had owners who had gone to college and were waiting eagerly for their return or something. Some of them had doggy siblings. They were just dogs, and Jenkins decided they didn’t deserve to live.

So then at some point you go to meet Edith. Edith is Jenkins’ brother, and heard about everything that happened. She didn’t witness the murder of their brother, but she was devastated by it. She swore off dogs entirely... until her daughter fell sick with cancer, and asked her mother to take care of it for her. And then Edith fell in love with the dog (a Yorkshire terrier) and began to treat it like the daughter who’d left her home long ago. The two are practically inseparable now.

You ask Edith for her opinion on the situation, and she’s got Poochie on her lap, and she says “I think Jenkins was in the right.” And you’re like, what? And she’s like “Yes, those dogs are all a menace. They murdered my baby brother.” And you’re like, that was ONE dog. And she’s like “Yes, but they all deserve to die, honestly. They’re wolves inside. They’re all hiding their instincts to kill humans and animals.” And you look at Poochie. And you ask, “What about Poochie?” And she says, “I’m angry enough at those dogs to kill nine more. But, Poochie would be mad at me if I did it, so I won’t.”

So, your only reason to not kill a few dogs is because it would make your companion- a dog- upset. Despite all the hurt and pain that your brother has caused, EDITH.

Isn’t Edith an asshole?

Okay, now replace humans with dragons, dogs with humans, Jenkins with Nidhogg, and Edith with Hraesvelgr.

Anyway, yeah, I think Hraesvelgr is an asshole.

#ffxiv #i'm too acepilled for heavensward #but writing all this fictional dog drama was very fun #but yeah i'm like. not defending him in the least. 'the only reason i'm not killing you is because i love my wife' go fuck yourself dude #and don't anyone give me shit about how dragons remember stuff really good or comprehend time differently. #if humans can have sympathy for dogs despite our vastly different timescales then dragons can do the same for humans. #idk this is just the second youtuber i've seen defend nidhogg and hraesvelgr ffxiv and i felt the need to. be an asshole #final fantasy 14

[thecyrulik]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Tagged by @ceph-the-ghost-writer! Trying to get back to being more active here. One day I will write a chapter of one of my stories, I swear.

Let's start!

1. Are you named after anyone? Ostensibly not! My parents had a Talk TM before I was born and they both decided that I should not be named after anyone, to make my life my own etc. They found a name that hadn't appeared on either side of my family till that day. And then my aunt named her child the same name 🙃

2. When was the last time you cried? Sad Moment TM - it was my grandma's funeral last year (the exact anniversary is due in a couple of days), and before that, my other grandma's funeral a couple of years back. I'm not a big crier, though I sometimes wish I were. Lets feelings out.

3. Do you have kids? No, but I'm cool with having them one day, with the right person to raise them with. Love the fact that those funky creatures turn into actual taxpayers with careers one day.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? not really. In text - perhaps. With people I know well - yes. Generally no, I'm not that kind of a joker. In fact, I am a little dull IRL.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? How they react to other people, I think. Their relations with coworkers, how they talk to customers, people above and below them in the company hierarchy etc. I love analyzing that too. I also adore trying to figure out where they're from based on their vocab/accent.

6. What’s your eye color? Greyish blue. The dullest colour there is, though one person (very dear to me) called it "like winter sky on a frosty morning". Not cool enough to be "steel eyes", not blue enough to be compared to aquatic formations. There's no such thing as ugly eye colour though, and mine isn't either.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Def both. Scary with a happy ending. I'm not a fan of jump scares but I think characters have to fight (and sometimes suffer) for their happy ending sometimes.

8. Any special talents? Hah. what does "special" mean? I'm stubborn in all the wrong ways and it makes me end up in some odd situations. I am rarely lost and read maps very well, and if you give me a simple task that needs to be repeated 1000 times, I'll happily do it without getting bored. I will just imagine my blorbos suffering during that time, so any negative moodlets cannot affect me.

9. Where were you born? Poland! In a small town I've only ever been to twice in my life, including my birth! The local hospital used to have a wonderful maternity ward and all, so my parents went there every time they had a baby on the way.

10. What are your hobbies? I write and I read, I find out weird stuff on the internet. I like crafts like stitching and knitting, I make my own beer, cider and fruit liquers, and work in the garden a lot! Oh, and I love languages an awful lot.

11. Have you any pets? I have two cats that live with my parents now - one of them is an idiot and also quarter European wildcat - he has 2 braincells only. The other one is his domestic cat momma, a black demoness that loves staying in the shadows and attacking you when you step on her (she doesn't have a non-black hair on her body so you can imagine she is stepped on quite often).

12. What sports do you play/have played? Used to be into handball in high school. Right now I mostly swim, usually when I have to think about stuff. I can't listen to my music in the swimming pool so I'm forced to listen to y thoughts. Other than that, I juggle! And it's fun and satisfying and you can make your own juggling balls with balloons and sand/rice!

13. How tall are you? 164 cm. Not great, not terrible. I get +2 in sneaking though, and exploring basements, mines and medieval castles is generally safe for me, at least when it comes to bumping your head on low door frames.

14. Favorite subject in school? Foreign languages and biology. I also enjoyed maths a lot, but I had good teachers all the way. In uni - history of Greece, pharmaceutical botany, infectious diseases and ethics.

15. Dream job? Coming up with new blorbos to torment and put in Situations TM and talking about them. Since I have no discipline to be a full-time writer, my current job is a very nice second-best option.

Tagging @whumpsday @kim-poce @whump-cravings @andordean @hold-him-down @whumpy-writings! feel free to ignore any questions that feel too private for you, and swap them with a fun fact about one of your OC!

#tag game

[jorgecrespo]

1 4 5 6 (have fun with that one) 15 17 23 (idk how to even interpret that but spread hate<3) 28 32 38 39 go crazy

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

the age of 10 and 17

living in nicaragua for a year. found out i actually like people and i'm not a beach person because the ocean is very scary

the liza minelli tries to turn on a lamp snl skit

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

it's an inside joke with my family and it has to do with eric clapton's dead son. i have no excuse and it's not my fault

what made you start your blog?

started this blog because of druck (😩). i was on the tag but everyone was like IF YOU DON'T REBLOG THINGS YOU'RE THE DEVIL and i felt bad so i made this and then it's all been downhill every since

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best part is obviously all the people i've met from all over the world. from germany to australia to indiana (🤢) and everywhere in-between. i feel like the world is at my fingertips. the worst part is seeing the worst takes that anyone has ever thought and i feel my brain rotting away. also, old woman moment, i hate watching these kids grow up on the internet, it's like watching worms take over their brain

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

yeah i'm an adult but also....my stuffed animal brownie 🥺. that little dude goes everywhere with me

name 3 things that make you happy

my cats. if i'm sad i just look up and see their little fluffy faces and then i feel ok

all my internet friends. love seeing everyone's dumb posts

every night i grab my pepper spray and walk around the neighborhood and it has actually improved my overall mood it's insane. who knew

say 3 things about someone you hate

let's talk about scott meyer

after leaving the mental hospital (literally across the street from it) he asked "kallie why don't you have a job" mere moments after he was kicked out of a bar for being too drunk. so i asked why he doesn't have a job and he got all mad and said WELL I'M TRYING and then i started yelling at him in the pizza place but my excuse is i was pretty drugged up and then he just never got a job

attacking the whole house (which included a literal baby btw) and then stealing one of their cars while insanely drunk after hitting me and biting someone else and then i waited outside for the cops while eating mac n cheese in the rain (shout-out to the eugene oregon police department for not finding a drunk man on the empty roads at midnight and just saying "we have people looking")

STEALING MY CLOTHES FUCK YOU SCOTT

do you collect anything?

i don't really collect anything rn but i do have a lot of rocks from my childhood/teen years. i still love a good rock

how many tabs do you have open right now?

44 and they're all unimportant but i'm not deleting any of them

fave song at the moment?

for the fifth year in a row, hounds of love. i will inform everybody if that changes

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

this is a great place to bitch about youtube because i used to go on there all the time and now i barely go on there. mainly just to watch random clips of shows and sports compilations because the ads are legitimately terrible. it's impossible to watch anything anymore. every two minutes, BAM another ad like it's fucking torture. a five minute video takes eight minutes it's insane. who let this happen

#sorry this took so long i spent my time on it 💪 #asks #long post

[doitinanotherlanguage]

February 2023 Wrap-up: 1910s

(You can read more about the challenge on my post introducing the challenge. Basically, Reading Through the Decades is a year-long reading challenge where we read books - and explore other media - from the 1900s to the 2020s, decade-by-decade.)

Obviously, February was a very harrowing reading month, since the 1910s are intricately tied to war. Almost everything I read or watched this month had something to do with war, or rebellion of some sort. War is a difficult and emotional topic to read about at any time, but especially this month. Inevitably, my thoughts were constantly drawn to Russia’s war in Ukraine, especially since 20 February marked a year since (the escalation of) the war started, with still no end in sight.

The Russo-Ukrainian war is a war that felt unimaginable and remote to me before Russia’s full-scale invasion into Ukraine in 2021. Having naively grown up in a bubble where war wasn’t supposed to ever affect my daily life, except as a distant terror somewhere far away, waking up to the terrible reality was a difficult and anxiety-inducing thing to face. Living in a country neighbouring Russia, it having not been even a hundred years since Russia last invaded our country, my empathy and sympathies lie whole-heartedly with the Ukrainians and their fight to defend their existence. Violence and war should never be the answer in politics, and imperialism is an evil that should be resisted with every inch of our being. Слава Україні! 🇺🇦🕊️

Many of the books, movies and shows below, which I read and watched and appreciated this month explore many of the topics and themes I’ve had on my mind recently because of the above-mentioned real-life politics. These topics and themes include war, imperialism, pacifism, nationalism, duty, independence, and self-governance. Hopefully, you can also find some new gems among them, and maybe ways to deal with the harsh reality we live in right now and the questions and feelings it provokes in us.

What I Enjoyed This Month

📺 The Crimson Field (2014), created by Sarah Phelps -> A British period drama that shows the lives of medics and the patients at a fictional field hospital in France during World War I. -> More war dramas written by women please! The first (and only) season of this show is fantastic, and I’m so sad this got cancelled because very little is tied up at the end of the first season yet it’s evident that they had plenty of plans for the upcoming seasons. The many and varied relationships (and I’m not just talking about the romantic) are the core and strength of this show to me, and I wish we got to see them develop further. (I will forever remain pissed that I will never get to see more of Peter and Flora’s friendship 😭)

📖 Testament of Youth (1933), Vera Brittain -> This first part of the memoirs of Vera Brittain (1893-1970) is celebrated as a classic for depicting the World War I from the point of view of women and the middle-class civilian population of the UK. It covers the years 1900-1925. -> Last year, I watched the 2014 movie adaptation, starring Alicia Vikander, and was very touched by it and got curious about the book it was based on. Consequently, I had such high expectations for this memoir - expectations that were more than exceeded, I am glad to say! This is such an interesting look at a young person’s coming-of-age during times of extreme turmoil and the ways in which formative experiences impact us. I found the memoir quite relatable in so many ways despite many of the things being so far removed from my own life and experiences. If feminism, the experiences of a V.A.D, anti-war sentiment and pacifism, dealing with death, and lost/missed youth as a theme sound interesting to you, consider picking up this wonderful book.

🎬 Im Westen nichts Neues (2022; All Quiet on the Western Front), dir. Edward Berger -> This impassioned, visually arresting interpretation of the classic German anti-war novel makes the pacifist case to contemporary audiences through its depiction of the horrible madness of World War I and the tragedy of a doomed generation. -> I read All Quiet on the Western Front last year, and was very impressed by it. It is a true classic, about the horror and pointlessness of war. So when I found out a new German movie adaptation was coming out, I was psyched! From the film’s chilling opening montage that emblematises the machinery of the war and the way it chews you up (it absolutely made me shiver to my core!), I knew this movie would stick with me. Well worth watching. (Although I do prefer the book to this movie, which has that familiar tendency to dramatise things for the visuality and all that.)

🎬 Suffragette (2015), dir. Sarah Gavron -> A British historical drama film about women's suffrage in the UK. -> This is a fantastic film about the suffrage movement in the UK, showing what was going on with regard to women’s rights before WWI swallowed up everyone’s attention, time, and efforts. Fantastic actresses all round, with a working-class main character as the focus.

📺 Rebellion (2016), created by Colin Teevan -> A historical mini series that dramatises the events surrounding the Irish 1916 Easter Rising. Told through the perspective of a group of fictional characters who live through the political events, the series was produced to commemorate the centennial anniversary of the 1916 Rising. -> I’ve been reading up on Irish history recently, so this was a great series to hit upon! I particularly appreciated the way that female characters were included in this and the storylines that were written for them.

📖 Ali und Nino (1937; Ali and Nino), Kurban Said -> A novel about a romance between a Muslim Azerbaijani boy and a Christian Georgian girl in Azerbaijan’s capital, Baku, in the years 1918–1920. -> A super interesting book, full of ambiguity, thematising boundaries and fluidity. Taking centre-stage is the question of the often difficult-to-define boundary/limit/border between Europe and Asia. I was also quite fascinated by the way this book took up the matter of women’s place and rights. (I also checked out the 2016 movie adaptation. However, I only ended up watching the first 50 minutes or so because - while the cinematography was absolutely gorgeous! - I was not going to sit through a whole two hours of a script that... lacking.)

#was NOT supposed to start blabbing about my feelings about Russia's invasion into Ukraine but it's been on my mind constantly these days #reading so much about war definitely brought everything up to the surface #reading through the decades #litblr #booklr #bookblr

[whats-wild-to-you]

The Chosen One (Jay Park fiction)

Chapter 18

The next day you slept in, putting your phone on silent. Although it was past 10am, your bedroom was dipped in darkness since you left the blinds closed. Occasionally your phone would light up the room for a few seconds.

You didn’t bother checking who was calling you. It could only be one person. The fact that Jay didn’t suddenly appear at your door worried you. He was not the kind of person to just accept a situation and move on. The way you saw this, he always argued about things until people gave in or until he changed their minds.

Does he have nothing to say to me?

Groaning, you turned your phone off and pulled the covers over your head. You deserved this day off. Tomorrow you would worry about what to do next.

Soo Min knocked at your door at exactly 2.56pm. She had just finished her early shift at the hospital and rushed over to you.

“I heard everything. How are you?” She hastily greeted you at the door, then squeezed past you, going straight to the kitchen.

“What? What exactly did you hear? And from whom?”

“Junwon. He texted me.” She said as a matter of fact, taking various things out of the fridge.

“What are you doing right now? Stop and look at me.”

“Soup.”

“Why? I’m not sick.”

“Worse. You’ve been fired!” She said in a hushed tone which made you chuckle.

“Did Junwon contact you?”

Soo Min just nodded while chopping vegetables.

“… and said what?” You raised your voice out of frustration. Sometimes your friend was really dense.

“Ah. He said that he ran into Jay and he looked disturbed and when Junwon asked him, Jay said that he had to lay you off.”

“Is that all?”

Soo Min nodded again, busying herself with some rice.

So Jay was disturbed? By my text? Serves him well!

“Junwon said he looked sad, and when he asked him why he fired you he just shrugged his shoulders. What could that mean?”

“That Jay is a stupid, arrogant a*shole!

The day my parent left, they stuck a note on the fridge. In it they mentioned Jay too. I shouldn’t be too harsh on him, he has good reasons for every thing he does.”

“Very ominous.”

“I don’t care. He fired me without any real reason. I don’t care about his motives and his secrets. And I’ve already told him.”

“You did? I see. Umm, damn! I forgot to buy herbs for the soup. Urgh! Silly me. I’ll just go to the store real quick, okay? I’ll be right back!”

Soo Min didn’t wait for a response from you, just grabbed her stuff and dashed out the door.

It took you minutes before you realized what she was blabbing on and on about.

“But I don’t even like herbs in my soup! Soo Min knows this.” You said to the empty room.

30 minutes later Soo Min was still MIA. Growing suspicious by the second, you quickly pulled out your phone and called Junwon. If something was up, you’d learn from him. Junwon was a terrible liar.

‘… hey V, sorry but I’m kinda busy right now.’

You knew he wasn’t in the studio because you could clearly hear background noises.

‘… I just need to ask you about something. It’ll only be a minute.’

‘… yeah, okay. But can I call you back later?’

Before you could answer, you heard a familiar voice in the background. It was Soo Min. You wondered what she was doing with Junwon and why she lied to you about going to the store.

‘… I gotta go. Bye.’

And with that he hung up and your suspicions grew even bigger. Someone was plotting something.

After Jay read your text early in the morning his mood rapidly dropped.

He was lashing out on people left and right. Even Junwon, who came to see him, couldn’t lift his spirits.

‘She’s just frustrated. She doesn’t mean it!’, he tried to reassure Jay. But he failed.

‘You already know, V doesn’t like being kept in the dark. Why didn’t you just tell her?’

Jay gave his friend the side eye and Junwon quickly fled.

Hours passed before Jay stepped out of his office. When he did, he bumped into Soo Min and Junwon who stood in front of his door, ready to knock.

“I’m not in the mood for chitchat!”

“You have to show me the text Ji Won sent you!”

“Why? So I can feel even more humiliated?”

“Please!” Soo Min said, stepping a little closer.

Junwon nodded behind her.

Sighing, Jay pulled out his phone and opened your message.

Soo Min took the phone carefully in her hands, attentively reading the message, making small noises throughout.

“Just as I imagined!”

“What?” Junwon asked hopeful.

“She’s definitely pissed. But more than that she’s hurt!” She clarified, directing her words at Jay.

“Ji Won really likes you. As a man, but first and foremost as a person. She trusted you, and had your back thinking you’d also have hers. She’s disappointed that you don’t seem to trust her enough to share that secret of yours! She already knows that Junwon and I are in on it. That makes it even worse. These words? They mean nothing. She blew off some steam, that’s all. But if you keep that mysterious façade up, you’re going to scare her away!”

“What do you suggest I should do?” Jay asked already knowing what Soo Min’s answer would be.

“Tell her the truth!”

Later that evening you were sprawled out on the couch, watching your favorite k-drama. You hadn’t heard back from either Junwon or Soo Min and that soup was still sitting on the stove, half done.

Since you were starving, you ordered in and were waiting for your fried chicken to arrive. When your doorbell rang, you jumped up in anticipation.

But when you opened the door, it wasn’t the delivery man standing in front of you. It was Jay.

You held your phone in your hand, and for a second you contemplated about throwing it at him. That same moment it vibrated. A new text from Junwon.

Jay’s on his way to you. Please let him in and hear him out.

Rolling your eyes, you stepped aside, allowing Jay to enter your home.

Without a word he held out his hand, offering you a large Manila envelope.

“What is that?”

“The answer to all your questions.” Jay said, then sat down on the couch.

Curiously, you ripped the envelope open and spilled out its content on the kitchen table.

“A police investigation?” You shrieked looking through the papers.

But as you read more, you slowly understood what this was all about.

“You were trying to get me my old job back?”

Jay nodded. “Sort of. I asked my lawyers and they thought the circumstances of your firing back then were a bit suspect.”

“It was a set up? They wanted to oust me and were just looking for a reason?”

“Maybe. So I put my best lawyers on the case. They found some irregularities so I contacted the police.”

“And?”

“Well, their investigation is not finished yet, but it looks like the hospital fired you without substantial evidence that it was your fault the patient died.”

“Why? Why did you do this?”

“I felt bad. I noticed you loved being a nurse and it bothered me to see you discouraged and miserable.”

“So I was a charity case!”

“No. Far from it! You’re really good at what you do at AOMG. Everyone knows that. But AOMG is not where you belong.”

“I don’t want to work in that hospital anymore!”

“You don’t have to. You can work in any hospital or medical center you want.”

“Can I continue working at AOMG?”

“No!”

“Give me one good reason why the hell not!”

“You just can’t!”

“Okay, then I’m going to remain unemployed and it’s gonna be your fault!”

“Vivian, I-”

“잠깐만! What did you show to my dad during dinner? You showed him this?”

“I thought he knew…”

New anger rose in you. While you were trying desperately to keep your troubles hidden from your parents, here was Jay announcing it to them even in writing.

“I can’t believe you! Go! Now!”

“Ji Won!”

“What? You got more to say? Well, I’m not interested in hearing more from you!” You were screaming now, unable to control your anger.

“Calm down. Please!”

“I don’t want to calm down! You got involved without my consent, and you fired me from a position I was really good at. I was a rockstar!”

Jay couldn’t help but chuckle, something that aggravated you even more.

“Tell me why I can’t work for AOMG?”

“It’ll look like nepotism.”

“Huh? What? How? We’re not related!”

Jay remained silent, just stared at you.

“Say it!”

“I want to date you. No! I want to be in a relationship with you!”

“And I want to win the lottery, but we can’t always have it our way.”

“See, I knew you’d be like this.”

“Excuse me for saying this, but you’re not used to the word ‘no’, right? Everything you want, you get, right?”

“You said you like me. I like you too. So that’s settled.”

“Just like that, huh? Everything is so easy with you! You really thought I’d date my boss? But then again, why wouldn’t you? You don’t really know me!”

“I know you! You’re stubborn.”

“I’m sorry for disliking it when people try to dictate my life!”

“You know what, we shouldn’t continue this. I’ll leave so you can cool down.” Jay said raising his arms in defense.

“Just so you know, I’m not going to change my mind!”

The next morning you summoned both, Junwon and Soo Min, to you place.

“You knew about this? And you didn’t say anything? You were supposed to be my friends!”

“You know Jay, if he really wan-” Junwon sighed but you caught him right off.

“Don’t give me that bs, I’m not his property! I decide who I date and where I work!”

“But isn’t it sweet? That he put his time and energy into solving this problem for you? It shows how much he cares about you!”

“It shows how much of a control freak he is! So you’re gonna be like this? Defending him? If that’s the case then you can both leave!”

“Ya! Kang Ji Won!”

“I said go!” You yelled, storming off to your bedroom. Soon after you heard the front door open and close again.

Seconds later tears fell from your eyes. These past few months had been a nightmare. First Jaehyun and now Jay. Whenever you thought your life was going well, everything went down the drain.

You never wanted to start a serious relationship with Jaehyun, because you were waiting for Jay to make a move. But Jay was hot one minute and ice cold the next. You never knew where you stood with him. Was he a concerned boss? A caring friend? Something more? He never made that clear to you.

And all of a sudden he said he wanted to be in a relationship with you? And you were supposed to do what? Jump up and down in joy?

Why did he not understand that he was confusing you?

Disheartened, you texted your parents. You knew you had to do something, something drastic. You couldn’t continue in this endless circle of uncertainty, misleading signals and rejection.

I’m coming home.

***

Chapter 19

#h1ghrmusic #h1ghrgang #MORE VISION #more soju please #AOMG #jay park AOMG #AOMGOFFICIAL #aomg jay park #khh imagines #Jay Park #park jaebum #park jaebeom #park jaybum #jay park scenarios #Jay Park fanfic #jay park imagines #aomg scenarios #aomg imagines

[pureheartedangel27]

To be honest, right now I’m sad, depressed, and my wounds deep inside the emotional wounds seem to be bleeding more than usual….I don’t know why I can not pin point one thing or even two because honestly it feel more than that right now it’s more than I would like it to be but still I do not know what they are or what caused them, for the longest time I felt like I was better finally getting my life together things were hard but I was still positive I was happy and now it seems like I’m back to where I was before the place I didn’t ever want to be again the me I no longer wanted to be……the emotional wounds hurt so much that I can feel my heart breaking it feels like I’m having a heart attack but I’m not I’m suffering from a broken heart the pain is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone not even my worst enemy…..I thought I had put So much of this behind me just for it to creep up on me and bitch slap me in the face the memories, the person I loved but lost, I feel like I have been hit by a train and have broken every bone in my body……I know I need help but I don’t know where to even began I feel like I’m being forced to go to therapy after nearly dying the second time I attempted suicide the hospital said I had to see a therapist and my medicine doctor agreed and I hate being forced to do anything…..not many places will take my insurance and the one I have now I have only seen once and I do not like her what so ever, and I’m so used to bottling everything up inside it’s hard for me to talk about anything else islet to a therapist I don’t know who is a stranger who honestly doesn’t care and gets paid to listen, I’ve been told I’m annoying and a bother for talking about things so I completely shut down after that. And the world is so terrible I stay in my apartment until I get paid then I will go get stuff but then I’m right back in my apartment hiding from the world and stupid people yes I did say stupid people I’d rather be a hermit and live under my rock then be out in this god forsaken world……I know that’s sad to say but it’s true at least I’m safe in my apartment.

[sweetlittlegingy]

I posted 891 times in 2022

That's 319 more posts than 2021!

221 posts created (25%)

670 posts reblogged (75%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@topguncortez

@sweetlittlegingy

@bradleybeachbabe

@sunlightmurdock

@unicornships

I tagged 529 of my posts in 2022

Only 41% of my posts had no tags

#jake seresin - 178 posts

#jake hangman seresin - 160 posts

#top gun maverick - 108 posts

#top gun: maverick - 103 posts

#better man universe - 101 posts

#gingy writes - 83 posts

#top gun - 83 posts

#gingy answers - 72 posts

#jake seresin x reader - 64 posts

#glen powell - 60 posts

Longest Tag: 110 characters

#i want you all to know the hot and heavy make out scene will be living rent free and taking up my entire brain

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Can't Breath Whenever You're Gone

✦ Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Better Man Universe

✦Pairing: Father Figure Jake x Single!Mom

✦Word Count: 5.2 k

✦Warnings: Ansty, Fluff, slight smut (Jake calls himself daddy once), pregnancy, deployment, sad Maty

✦A/n: I have tried to post this like 8 times, it better work. I'm sorry for the wait guys, I hope you like it! Lots of love - G

✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)

The low ache in your back had become a constant; leaning down to pick up the second batch of laundry, the six-month belly just out of the way. Rising back up, one arm carrying the laundry, the other caressing your more than noticeable bump.

You feel a sharp kick, pressing your palm back into the spot, you can feel Little Miss move, pressing farther into your hand. A laugh falls from your lips, she wasn’t even here yet and she was stubborn just like her father.

The pregnancy came as a surprise, though you weren’t trying to avoid pregnancy, it still was a shock when you found out. The four pregnancy tests you’d taken, after being nauseous every morning for a week, proved that your family was about to grow by one.

The shock of it all, couldn’t stop the nerves from kicking in.

Your pregnancy with Mathew hadn’t been easy. Your nausea lasting the whole 40 weeks, making it hard for you to maintain a healthy weight. You ended up getting weekly IVs from the hospital and being up on two different nausea medications.

In the first trimester, this time nausea hit you hard and at all times of the day, the bathroom had become a second home, and Jake could barely handle it. Constantly at your side, holding your hair or rubbing your back. Mathew had been ecstatic when he found out, though the now six-and-a-half-year-old, had a hard time seeing you so sick.

Even having a conversation with your belly, telling the baby that they needed to be nice to you.

That was before you found out that you were having a girl, and thankfully the nausea had calmed after your fourteen-week mark, making your days actually enjoyable.

 You’d been able to find out the sex of your baby just before Jake deployed when you were twenty weeks, and you’d both been thankful he could be with you in person to hear.

He’d been overjoyed when you the doctor told you. The smile never left his face on the drive home. Telling you, now that you had one of each, the next one could be a surprise.

You’d smacked him and told him, you wanted to get through this one before even thinking about another. Jake had only given you a teasing smile and kissed your hand, resting it in his lap for the drive home.

That was a month ago now, and all three of you were missing him terribly. Right after you’d found out you were pregnant; Jake had taken to talking to your stomach nightly. You’d told him that the peanut was too small, but he hadn’t cared. Holding nightly conversations with them, ranging from stories about flying, to what had happened during his day.

You’re sure that Little Miss had gotten used to her daddy’s voice, because now without his nightly talks, she has taken to becoming very active during the night. Mathew was having quite the time with Jake being gone as well. The first week he had cried every night and though his tears had slowed, the month had been wearing on the little guy.

Thankfully school kept his mind busy during the day, and Lacey had promised to call if he got upset during the day.  Summer vacation was just around the corner for Maty and though he loved second grade, he was so excited about the year ahead. He was going full-time on base and Auntie Lacey, Bob’s wife, would be his teacher for third grade.

You were thankful for the relationship the two of you had developed over the last 2 years, she’d become one of your closest friends and was always there to help with Mathew.

When she found out that you were expecting and that the boys were getting deployed, she took up a permeant residence in your home. Taking over pick up and drop off completely, saying that your house was on her way to school anyway.

Your house was in fact a good bit out of her way, but you weren’t about to argue with the woman. Bob might have been quiet and shy in public, but his sweet, loving teacher of a wife, was anything but.

Lacey, like her third graders, was an endless ball of energy. She was the most positive person you’d ever met and extremely organized. But when she decided that something was going to happen, then it was happening. Her stubbornness rivaled that of Jakes. A fact that had you cackling, when the two of them bickered.

Placing the laundry away, you head back into the kitchen, looking for something to snack on before you start on dinner. Music streams out of the speaker on the counter, a playlist that you’d made after Jake threw you into the world that is 90’s country, on a trip to Texas. You’d fallen in love with the music, on a night out and always listened to it when Jake was gone.

You hum along to the beat of Brooks and Dunn, swaying your hips along to the music, hand resting on your bump. Little Miss takes to rolling around, clearly enjoying the music.

“You like that one sweetpea?” The song changes and she rolls again. “Your daddy’s gonna be pleased with your taste in music.”

You grab the strawberries out of the fridge, singing along to the music. Your mind wandering, sure that Jake and your little girl would have the exact relationship stated in the song.

“When she was three years old on her daddy's knee, he said you can be anything you want to be. She's a wild one, runnin' free.—”

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1,312 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

#4

Better Man Universe Masterlist

✦Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Single!Mother, Dad!Jake x Y/n Son (Father/Son Relationship)

★ Fluff ❊ Angst ✓ Smut

✦A/n: Requests are open, for this universe. As well as TopGun fandom and Outer Range Fandom

Better Man Song Rec Playlist

Spotify Playlist Masterlist

Everything You May Need To Know

Epiphany ★✓

You Can Call Me Babe For The Weekend ★❊✓

I Don't Need Your Closure ★❊✓

Better Man ★❊

I Don’t Start Shit, But I Can Tell You How It Ends ★❊

Just Come Home ★❊

The Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine ★

Autumn Leaves and Pumpkin, Please? ★

Can't Breath Whenever You're Gone ★❊✓

Tis' The Damn Season ★

I Couldn't Ask For Anything Better ★❊✓

Something That Will Haunt Me When You're Not Around ❊

SNAPCHAT SERIES

Part 1

Group chat:

Wrong Chat

Brownie Fiasco

Tis’ The Damn Season

Baby Daddy

Instagram:

Meet Josephine

Jacob Grant Seresin *que swoon*

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1,451 notes - Posted September 20, 2022

#3

Better Man

✦Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Better Man Universe

✦Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Single!Mother

✦Word Count: 6.7K

✦Warnings: Fluff, Angst, mentions of SA (previous relationship), self-hate, shitty schools, bullying, possible thoughts of suicide (on explicitly stated). Please let me know if I missed something.

✦A/n: Repost, the original is no longer showing up for me. I’m not sure what happened, if your seeing double I apologize.

✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)

The incessant buzzing coming from your pocket continues, as you listen to Admiral Simpson and Admiral Bates go over mission plans. Attentively listening and marking down any changes that need to be made to the paperwork.

As the admirals Administrative Service Manager, you held the responsibility of keeping all things “Top Gun” in order: including incoming pilots, flight schedules, and the newly permanent Dagger Squadron.

You subduedly shift silencing the buzzing, again focusing on Cyclone and Warlock.

“I want a new set of recruits coming in, with Maverick training them.” Cyclone gives you a pointed look. “I want him to be on board by the end of the week. You both, can go over applicates and find those best fitted.”

You silently nodded, jotting down that you need to draft a letter for Mav and get it to him before Wednesday. 

 “With the success of the Uranium Mission, DC is going to want to see what else the Dagger Squadron can do. I want them flying new drills and layouts every day. Draft up a few different sets of flight plans, get them on my desk by Wednesday morning.”

“Of course, sir. Two days will be more than enough time to draft up three or four, and I will have a handful more done by next Monday.” You trail off as your phone starts buzzing again.

Pausing to grab it while Cyclone and Warlock keep chatting, you realize that it’s Mathews school calling. Raising your hand in a silent gesture, you glance up and ask if you can be excused for a moment. To which Cyclone nods, signaling to the hallway.

Rising up, you not so slowly, make your way to the door and press answer. Miss Clarks voice rings through your phone, telling you once again that Mathew has been called to the office.

“Miss Benjamin, you need to come in. Principle Davis wants to talk to you immediately. Mathew is fine, though he has been placed in the corner and will not be allowed recess time.” She mutters harshly.

You slowly shake your head and lean up against the wall, “What happened?” you question. Waiting for a response that doesn’t come. “I know that Mathew is not the only child at fault here. So, I’m going to ask again, what happened?”

You know that your sweet Mathew would never hurt someone without probably cause, and even then, it’s unlikely. Though this is the first call you’ve received from the school, you’ve been in three other times for words with the principal. Discussing another upper-class student that had been picking on Mathew.

The same excuse being thrown in your face that, none of the teachers saw the bullying and that Mathew was lying. Though the last time, Mathew told you that the other boy had pushed him and scrapped his knees. Markings on his knees, you saw during bath time, that night confirmed that he had been pushed.

Each visit you had, the school ignored you and claimed you to be an overprotective mother.

“Mathew hit another boy, Miss Benjamin.”

The statement shocks you at first, but then you question why Mathew hit him.

“Well Mathew says that he was hit first, but no one saw it.”

“You’re telling me, that my son was hit, then defended himself, and you didn’t think to lead the conversation with that information.”

Pushing off the wall you start to make your way to your office. “I will be there in 20 minutes.” Grabbing your purse, leaving the paperwork knowing that you will be coming back to the office enviably.

“Also, Miss Clark,” your voice steadily rises. “Get my child out of the damn corner.” You all but yell before hanging up on the woman.

Stepping out of your office and running into Lt. Bradshaw, you bounce off him. He grabs your arms steadying you, as you apologize.

 “You okay there, Y/N” He questions quickly realizing how stressed you are.

You can feel the frustration seeping from your bones, tears lining your eyes. Working to steady your breathing, in any possible way to avoid crying.

See the full post

1,553 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#2

I Don't Start Shit, But I Can Tell You How It Ends

✦ Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Better Man Universe

✦Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Single!Mother, Dagger Squad vs. Davis

✦Word Count: 2.8 K

✦Warnings: Protective!Hangman, Angry!Hangman, Protective!Dagger Squad, Asshole Guy, Failed Drugging, Jake hints at killing people...

✦A/n: The Dagger Squad finally gets ahold of Mathew's old Principle. They really hate the man, we all do tbh! Day 2 of 500 celebration!!!!

✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)

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1,616 notes - Posted October 22, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

You Can Call Me Babe For The Weekend

✦ Previous Chapter | Next Chapter |Better Man Universe

✦Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Single!Mother

✦Word Count: 15.4K

✦Warnings: Fluff, slight smut angst, mentions of abuse (previous relationship), self-hate, protective brother Bradley (let me know if I missed anything.)

✦A/n: This is out two days later than I planned, but you asked for a long part. So, here it is! I'm pretty proud of this one, it was definitely writing from the heart. Much Love - G

✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)

You were ecstatic that the work week was over, you were even more pleased that you had gotten off work early. You had finalized all the flight planes for next week and had already started prep for recruitments. You’d only been back on the North Island for 4 months, but time had flown. You had gotten into a comfortable rhyme, working under Cyclone and Warlock, even forming a “friendship.”

You and Warlock got along great, and you considered him a good friend, though you and Cyclone still had your moments in which you completely disagreed with each other. Most the time it was a contest between the two of you, to see which of you would break first.

For the most part, your work life at Top Gun couldn’t have been better. You had also heard from your father that Commander Kazansky was pleased with your work, and how quickly you had the office back up to naval standards.

Your life outside of Top Gun, well just outside of the office, was great as well. Bradley had introduced you to some of the other pilots, who welcomed you into the small group with open arms. You had even created a pretty strong bond with one of Bradley least favorite people, Lt. Jake “Hangman” Seresin.

Bradley had a talk with each of you when he learned that you had been hanging out in the beginning. Bradley had made the point that he didn’t fully trust Jake, and thought that it would be better if you avoided him. He was convinced that Jake was going to hurt you, even more than you already were.

You had told Bradley that you were in fact a big girl, who could take care of herself and that you didn’t think Jake was like that. You also promised Bradley, that as of right now, you had no intention of getting in a relationship, and that Jake was just a good friend.

That was 3 months ago and though Bradley had let up a little bit, he was still holding strong on his big brother position. Ready to defend and protect you at all costs. It was honestly hilarious how serious he took it. Though you were extremely thankful in knowing that he would always be there if you needed him.

You knew that the group usually got together at the Hard Deck for drinks every Friday and you, luckily, were going to be able to go as well. Your parents had offered to watch Mathew over the weekend, claiming that they hadn’t seen him in forever.

They had just seen him on the prior weekend, when you all got together for Amelia’s birthday, but who were you to deny them of the little munchkin. Mathew was already 2 and a half, quickly changing from your baby into a little boy, and they wanted to get as much love in before he got too active for them to handle.

You hadn’t told Bradley or Jake that you would be coming out, just in case plans changed, and you didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

Pulling up to your parents’ house you went to get a sleeping Mathew from his car seat, the drive wasn’t long from base only 30 minutes, but he was due for a nap, and he’d been teething morals. Meaning he hadn’t been sleeping well and was grumpy all the time, the extra sleep time was greatly welcomed.

Situating Mathew on your hip, you grab his bag from the passenger seat, and he wakes slightly. He wraps his arms around you, nuzzling into your neck and falls back to sleep, just as your mother comes out to meet you.

“Hello sweetheart, let me take that for you.” She takes Mathew’s bag and goes to give him a kiss on the head. “Has he been asleep long? Your father is just in the kitchen, he’s so excited to have him all weekend. Got’s all sorts of plans.” She gives you a teasing smile, poking fun at your father.

“He fell asleep on the drive and daddy just loves his grandbabies. Don’t make fun of the poor man, he doesn’t know what to do with himself now that he’s retired.”

When your father found you were moving back, he decided that needed to retire. Claiming that he needed to be able to help you with Mathew. He most defiantly didn’t expect all the open time he had, which led to him doing all sorts of home improvement projects. The newest being, the sandpit and playset in the back yard.

He claimed that the kids needed it. Though Amelia was ten now, and claimed it was for babies. While Mathew was still too small to play on anything, fully by himself.

You were thankful that your parents were so involved in Mathew’s life and wouldn’t complain at their antics.

“Honey, Y/n is here, and you need to turn down the TV. Maty is sleeping and I don’t want that football game waking him, it’s a rerun anyway.”

Rounding the corner, you see your dad; he had been making lunch, though when he sees you, he quickly comes over to take Maty out of your hands. He gives you a quick kiss on the head and goes to lay Mathew down in the play pen that they kept.

“Thank you so much for watching him, Mom. It really means the world and if you need anything just call.”

She gives you a nod, while putting the bag away and unpacking the frozen snacks you had brought.

“Sweetie, you seem to forget we raised you and Penny, both troublemakers.” Your dad lets out a chuckle and starts on lunch again.

“Me and your mom have everything that Maty could need, I even got teething gel today. Now you get out of here, you’re making me miss the game.”

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1,705 notes - Posted September 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#I feel like they should be Gingy’s year since August #because that’s when I started writing #the life of gingy #year in review #tumblr2022 #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[savetooru]

feeling strange

because grief is difficult to talk about (but demands to be parsed in some way) here is, instead, a non-comprehensive list of silly, bizarre, and errant reflections i've had throughout the past two weeks:

is this it? is this it now?

i don't want to let you go but i fear it's happening. i think it's happening. do you hate this? i think you're tired. i think i would be tired.

don’t think. don’t think, just do. we’ll figure it out when we get there. stop thinking. right. just like that.

every time someone starts off a conversation with achi it means some serious shit is about to be asked of me. this is so stupid but i swear if i wasn’t the first-born this would be impossible for me. 1

i don't know when it was i shed my stage fright but i imagine it was sometime between the last hospital visit and this moment i am swallowing down five years of religious trauma to serve as lector for your funeral rites. man, anything is so easy if it's for you.

oh. oh— it's. there is no world in which i am not a reader, is there? that's it. that makes sense to me. that works. i can work with that.

okay. okay, fine. "though i walk in the valley of darkness, i fear no evil; for you are with me," is metal. as. shit.

can we get ice cream? i need a sundae. i need something cold and sweet between my teeth, if not extra spicy. it's less a want and more a tether. i need a tether.

the sun is so good when you catch it between just the right amount of foliage. the colors are so vivid and paint-like.

this scene from fleabag is so much funnier when it happens to you in real life. seriously. is it worse people are so complimentary or that i can't be totally unhappy about it?

i almost wish it was always this quiet, and that everyone would always be this gentle. almost. i’d miss the fighting too much.

i should be more upset. i should be more upset but i'm not. i wish someone could tell me whether that means i'm stronger, or if it means there's something broken somewhere.

why do we always end up in the emergency room?

having such a simple rice cooker has spoiled me. i've got to master everyone else's controls. i think a warm breakfast is the only thing getting my uncles through the day.

okay, no. i’m stronger. i’m definitely fucking stronger. i was bluffing before but i’m serious now. messenger, nightwatcher, finder of meds, reader, waiter, smile on my face hater. stronger.

living life is hard. leaving is hard. seeing everyone be so sad is terrible. i wish it wasn’t such a struggle, even if fighting was always gonna be worth it.

god i wish we could have took you out to brunch a couple more times.

holy shit. this stranger's cat is on my lap, purring. holy shit, am i a good person? i must be a good person. a little bit. holy shit.

been asked to say goodbye so many times it’s starting to sound a lot like hello.

thank god i'm young. i'd never have been ready or old enough, but thank god i'm this age. i couldn't, if i wasn't. that doesn't make anything right, but just. i couldn't, you know?

i'm going to love you forever. i'm going to love you forever, i know it.

also just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who sent their emails and well-wishes. no matter how many times i say it i won’t be able to express how much reading your words has touched me.

1. achi is hokkien for elder sister.

#006 #literally at the airport as i type this up #i am so unready for this trip #hopefully i get to write good things about it

[sadiegauthierrp]

Meet Sadie

✦ ANNE HATHAWAY, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER ✦ SADIE GAUTHIER the FOURTY year old has been in Hidehill for TEN YEARS. Whispers on the streets are that the OWNER OF BLOOMING TRAILS who lives in HARTLEY AVENUE  are said to be AMBITIOUS and OBSESSIVE but I guess we’ll find out for ourselves. { MANDY, 36, PST, SHE/HER }

full name: sadie louise gauthier gender and pronouns: cisfemale she/her age and dob: 40, November 12 1982 residence: hartley avenue time living in hidehill: 10 years occupation: owner of blooming trails faceclaim: Anne Hathaway positive attributes: ambitious, independent, protective negative attributes: obsessive, perfectionist, recovering alcoholic

BACKGROUND

The most consistant praise throughout Sadie's childhood was that she was such a well tempered, happy child. It seemed as if anger were an emotion she simply couldn't hold onto for more than a few fleeting moments. She slept through the night the day her parent's brought her home from the hospital, seemed to skip the terrible twos and threes stages that everyone warned about. Even the hormonal preteen and teen stages had been shockingly easy, growing pains and first heartbreaks lead to soft tears and her pouring her heart out to a safe place. But she was never angry. Tired yes, anxious, sad, lonely, annoyed...but never that anger that roiled in your belly, that made your body temperature rise. Her truest true love was botany, she was only five when her mother began letting her take control of the garden, her green thumb having made itself known. She could save a plant moments away from demise, could coax buds out of the most stubborn soil.

In college she met Levi, who seemed to be as unable to hold onto anger as she was. He was the epitome of a golden retreiver boyfriend, in school to become a veterinarian. The kindest, most genuine soul she'd ever known. They'd only been twenty-three when they got engaged, but Sadie had been so sure down to her bones that he was her forever person. Forever shattered three days before Thanksgiving, when the phone rang and ruined every future she'd ever hoped for. An attempted mugging, once of so many in New York City...but this one had ended with a knife slicing through arteries...with Levi's blood staining the sidewalk well before an ambulance could get there.

Sadie finally knew anger. An anger that ate pits into her spirit, that felt like it was rearranging her very bones. She'd always been a one glass of wine with dinner woman, but now she was wine...tequila...vodka slipped into her orange juice at work. Functioning sober hurt too badly and so she just stopped doing it. It took two years for the people around her to start realizing she was in trouble, to start fighting for her in a way she was not willing to fight for herself. At the time she hated them for it, wanted them to let her drink herself into oblivion. But when her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she finally went to rehab. It was a deal she made with god. Don't let her mother die and Sadie would be the best damn recovered alcoholic, the picture perfect of a person coming back from the edge. And damned if her mother didn't make it to remission a year later.

A relapse hit Sadie shortly after, and it took another year for her to admit she needed to go back to rehab. At 30 she realized that maintaining sobriety in New York was not a realistic option for her. She couldn't keep healing when she felt like she was living in the empty imprint of the life she was supposed to have with Levi. It didn't make sense...why Nashville of all places called her. Or maybe it did make sense...that the little town of hidehill, chugging along trying to shake off the darkness of it's past history would feel like the right place for her to reclaim a new future for herself. Blooming Trails became her pride and joy as she set up shop in the town, which was truly beginning to put itself on the map again when she was first settling in.

If she'd known that darkness and death was going to turn out to be inescapable maybe she would have just let the liquor have her. But these days she clings to the obsessive need to be the perfect recovered alcoholic no matter how badly the world around her is burning down.

#sadie;intro

[emptymanuscript]

Well... I may have finally done it :/

I managed to spill my water directly on my computer this morning >_<

It seems MOSTLY fine. But there seems to be at least one new problem in addition to the old problems... the power isn't connecting correctly. >_o

I've managed to stick it just right for the moment and I'm hoping it gets better as we move farther away from the "incident"

But I think I may have, inconveniently, moved the date of needing a new computer drastically forward.

*sigh* I really need to not need to buy a truck, a trailer, a plane trip, a passport, past fiscal trespasses* (don't ask), the A/C going out in summer, AND a computer all at relatively the same time.

I think the only thing I've managed to cut is not going to Labyrinth this year :( sad to miss the 25th year but there will be other years.

*heavy defeated sigh* I've pretty much decided that I need to temporarily hire one of those life coaches / personal assistants to just analyze us and do a budget and management routine for us before I make a mistake we can't recover from. Which will be even more money. But I think it's either that or start thinking about selling the house :((( because I suck way too much at money for this to keep going. I probably needed to hire out the job years ago. BEFORE things got this bad.

Pro-tip: do not trust EM with budgeting or management skills. I am terrible at both. Actually, just don't trust EM with any skill based tasks that don't have to do with pretending to be an fiction author, essayist, writing teacher, or a therapist. Those are my skill sets. I'm not incredible with them but I am at least passable. Everything else... you are asking to be disappointed. It will be a set up for failure. I probably shouldn't be trusted with those either.

There is just something extra disappointing about realizing I need profound professional level help on a skill that I thought I mastered in my teens and clearly didn't in any way, shape, or form. I remember religious friends telling me that "God never gives you any trials He doesn't think you CAN handle, even if it is very hard." To which my reply was, "God has a very low opinion of my capabilities, then." And I'm definitely back to feeling that lately. I don't know how I can't manage to live on quadruple the money that I used to just sail through WITH GOOD SAVINGS every month when I was in my teens and twenties.

I used to be the person in my friend group to hit up for money because, unless I had already given it away, I always had a fair amount extra in my checking account and could get more from savings. I pull in so much more now and yet it all just evaporates into the red.

Somehow I've gone from powerhouse to pathetic in the last 20 years. And I really, truly, honestly, don't know how. Like, yes, I've had major depression, chronic pain, and lots of life but it should not have been enough to get where I am. I feel like Gary King from World's End. All that promise and now nothing. Just this lump taking up space.

Which I suspect is the depression talking at this point.

I think that was one of the really nice things about being in the mental hospital. Nobody really had their shit together. There was this nice camaraderie of this is the normal here. We're just all fucked up together. Some days I really do miss being in the mental hospital. It was nice. Obviously not all of it. A lot was unpleasant. But the social aspects of it were sort of what we all wish we had. Or at least what I wish I had.

On the upside, I've managed to keep the power steady (like it had anything to do with me) for the entire time it took to write all this so... I suspect I can put off buying a new computer for another little while. I still need one eventually but I can deal with that if it isn't urgent.

So, score one for me. Yay.

#Priest of Brooding #just my life #available but not for public consumption #I'm starting to miss being the Priest of Rage #depression

[kysfimagines]

KYSF characters reacting to you dying during childbirth

warning: this is a very sensitive and sad topic which cointains youre dies. sorry

TUO: y/n noooo :( way to bring down the mood y/n!

MIKIYA: Oh, god, it can’t be... y/n is really gone, aren’t they? Well, it’s just you and me, Mikiya Jr. Mark my words, I will teach you everything I know, and we WILL avenge y/n by razing every last hospital to the ground! ...Oh, the good doctor! I was joking of course. Touchy, aren’t we? Obviously I’d never hold a grudge for you killing the person who birthed my child.

HAUNA: ok

CIJUNE: *cries for 19 minutes* my child.. you are all i have left. i will raise you into the best human being you can be for y/n's legacy. i swear i will protect you and love you the best i can *the whole time the baby is biting and scratching nurses and hissing*

PAYU: dang it! *snaps fingers* that’s such a bummer. welp. anyway. im gonna teach this baby to surf

AYASA: I am going to sue this hospital so hard that by the time I’m through with you, my child will be set for college AND retirement twice over. I have my lawyer on the line right now, actually, would you like to hear from him? *hands the doctor the phone but its his voice on the phone* Me again, bitch.

SOKEMUI: *rampaging though the hospital and screaming like a white woman in film's oscar winning scene*

ML: *kind of liked it* wow, y/n fucking died.. wow. kind of weird. i mean, i guess its sort of cute… oh yeah um *turns to the crowd of adoring fans and paparazzi* does anyone want this baby

HEAVENLY: i refuse to believe it… y/n CAN’T be dead! no way… it can’t be true…. *phone notification* oh! my starbucks order is ready. byeee

CADENCE: no.. how could this fucking happen… you’re a sham quack doctor *tries to fistfight the doctor and loses and dies*

JACOB: *through tears* y/n……. my poor sweet darling…….. i will send you off in only…. the finest of funeral rites. with highest honors. *blows up your corpse*

AURE: *glaring at baby* you did this...... you killed my beautiful yummy y/n..i am NOT going near that thing *the doctor: that is your child you have to raise them* no. i refuse to care for that creature

MARSHALL: what the fuck man...

ROO: Oh this is terrible :( Rest well, Y/N, you were wonderful... Now, who wants to raise this child? Nose goes!

LEN: this is so fucking sad *plays a perfect violin adaptation of Music of the Betrayed - 1 HOUR Of Epic Dark Sad Tragic Emotional Dramatic Music*

MIN: hahah funny prank ok y/n you can wake up now :p ....okayyyy,, theyre not waking up. you seeing this doc? o__0

CELESTIUS: *takes a picture* You’re going into my cringe compilation.

N*AH: ugh y/n 🙄 you know this is so embarrassing for me right? i couldn’t go to your seminars about “human rights” and “emotional intelligence” and “benefits of personal hygiene” because i was busy getting beer with the bros, ever think of that? you never think about my feelings. no, you always tell me that my cis white straight privilege clouds my better judgment and that i need to educate myself, even though i’m not even homophobic, no really. you always make ME look like the bad guy, and this is no different! you just went and died for attention. ohhh look at y/n, they’re dead, that’s so sad. boo hoo. because when people start caring about ME for a change you just can’t handle that because you’re a sensitive snowflake. god. and now i have to raise this stupid baby. pc culture has really ruined life for honest good men like me

#kysf

[fraener]

4/3/23

what a horrifically terrible week it’s been. started with evelyn in the hospital, ended with a fight with h about r. i knew what i was getting myself into, i know healing that takes time, but when im already so far outside of my window of tolerance it just makes me all the more upset. school starts tomorrow even though i didnt catch any sort of break. no word from the prof and no published page online. the weather has been on and off cloudy enough for the street lights to turn on and blinding sun. i finally got myself to vacuum and im making an alcohol extraction for intermediary oil. i feel really exhausted beyond belief. i think i ought to spend the day alone. he stayed over last night which i appreciated. i just wish something would give. im tired of being the thing that gives. thinking about the word ‘give’ as the breaking of a damn and as generosity simultaneously. i realized how deeply ive been affected by the fact that i dont have a parental figure i can really emotionally or physically rely on. its a sad thing to face. i want to garden but im running into roadblocks with the school about it. i feel ive lost a lot of my judgement and so its hard to decide what to do. im tired of not trusting myself. i took a long nap that was interrupted by the cherry picker across the street getting stuck in the mud. i went for a walk and laid down in quince park with my eyes closed in the sun. i relaxed everything slowly, starting with my toes. i did a bit of ifs and figured out a lot of the root of the problem; my relationship anxiety/insecurity is being aggravated by the situation with r, the fact that i cant get any closure or retribution or anything from that situation combined with the fact that h jumps to her defense after 5 months of us dating is really damaging, and so i feel like on some deep level i have no one to truly trust, which is aggravating my issues with my mother(of course) because we’re shown all the time that the role of a parent is to always take care of us and be in our corner and ive never had that. finding it in a new person is proving equally difficult to finding it at home. my ocd has been so bad because i am so scared of going through being sick like that alone. its not enough that i have my own support, it gets me only so far before i really just need to cry and be held by someone else. and in the seat of the core self ive had such a hard time getting through the self punishment to see and truly be with the parts of myself that are scared and feel alone. all of the stress comes crashing in at once every time i approach it. i think my only goal right now is trying to work back into my window of tolerance rather than being so far out of it and so overdrawn. the basic anxieties of going to school in person anyways are enough to dysregulate me, obviously everything else on top is way too much for me to comfortably handle. i hope to get to the bottom of this soon. susan is writing me an accommodations letter so i can relax a little with school. i want to take good care of myself because i am all that i have, really.