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#i guess i talk to certain mutuals pretty much every day. i think ive talked to phobicule almost every day this week

quarterfromcanon · 3 years

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I’m curious to know what you think Ben wanted w that timeslot! Honestly I think it was just for show

I totally agree!

~ spoilers under the cut ~

At least as of right now, allowing for more information in Season 3, it’s my headcanon that he wrote his name on that roster for Devi to see. I’ve been sketching out the flow of emotions and events in my head, and I fact checked them with the episodes tonight. Basically, it goes:

I) The episode immediately after the boys find out Devi was dating both of them is the one from Paxton’s perspective. During 2.03, Ben sees Devi patting Paxton’s shoulder in the hallway and telling him, “You got this.” He pulls a face and subtly shakes his head. Ben also observes Devi helping Paxton secure an opportunity for a test retake. We get a quick return of Samberg’s voiceover to make sure the viewers are aware that Ben’s taking note of the apparently mended fences between Paxton and Devi so soon after the accident at the party. We’re also told plainly how much it hurts him to see them together this way.

II) Aneesa flirts with him when they first meet in 2.04 and Ben reciprocates, a surprising connection that night which was likely sweetened by the fact that Devi was present to witness it all. He gains additional satisfaction in the form of the fake tattoo, which he uses to make a point about long term commitment and lies.

III) When Devi and Paxton are studying with flashcards toward the start of 2.05, Ben and Aneesa come through the doorway laughing and chatting. However, the smile fades from Ben's face as soon as he clocks that Devi and Paxton are sitting together. He's still glaring from the supply table while Aneesa stops to talk to them. Ben calls to Aneesa shortly thereafter, loudly enough that he can draw her away from their company and also be overheard by both Devi and Paxton. He makes sure to talk about Aneesa’s tent and his as a collective, heavily implying they will be sticking close to each other at this relay.

IV) By the time Paxton talks about why he can’t attend the event, Ben has stopped eavesdropping. He’s fully immersed in his conversation with Aneesa at this point. Ergo, as far as he’s presently concerned, there’s every likelihood that Paxton will be there for the relay as well (IF they allow last-minute additions to the list of team members, that is. I’m not certain about the rules.).

We’ve already been told that Ben and Paxton have no social or academic overlap in S2 outside of Facing History, which means there’s a good chance he doesn’t know Devi was *appointed* to Paxton as his tutor. Just going off what he’s seen in passing at school, perhaps he thinks this was a mutually agreed upon thing because they’re back on good terms. It might look like they’re close enough/mended enough in their relationship for Devi to ask Paxton to join the relay as a favor (or at least trade him favor-for-favor in exchange for the tutoring). Paxton would make a logical addition to the team - especially considering Devi’s self-acknowledged limited social circle - given that he is a jock and it sounds like he’s already attended the event during a previous school year. Which leads us to

V) Ben arrives early on the day of the relay with the looming possibility that he’ll have to see Devi and Paxton being chummy outside of school now, too. And there’s one of Paxton’s best friends, Trent, assembling and then announcing what he has dubbed the “Spurt Yurt.” A quick scan of the clipboard shows all the popular kids are nabbing a spot. Marcus, Jonah, Zoe, Shira, and even Trent himself all have one. It’s not such a leap to think Paxton would sign up as well, if present. OR to worry that Devi might sign them up to “study” in the “Study Hall” in the hopes of rekindling their romance. Ben gets the jump. He signs a line before either have arrived. Thus, if one of them does end up adding their name later, Devi will be pretty much guaranteed to catch that his is already there. It’s a win either way, really, in terms of saving face/getting a little payback. If Paxton does show up to the event, Ben has beaten them to a prime slot AND ensured he can’t be accused of registering in retaliation. If Paxton does not attend, Devi will still be there and get a taste of what it’s like to see her ex carrying on with their love life.

Maybe the fleeting hint of the old D/B dynamic when he helps her with stretches is even in direct relation to this. There’s no sign of Paxton yet or any mention of him so, temporarily relieved and knowing he has that failsafe in place, Ben’s feeling at least a *teensy* bit less prickly toward Devi for a little while.

I don’t think he ever actually intended to hook up with Aneesa, nor do I think she’d have gone that far with him anyway. It’s still pretty early in their flirtation and she’s talked about how inexperienced she is. The only part I haven’t quite been able to guess is how he intended to proceed once the moment arrived. Invite Aneesa inside, if she was interested, but keep things somewhere in the PG to PG-13 range at most? Content himself with obtaining a slot but never actually show up for the scheduled time? I can’t be sure, but the fandom will no doubt come through working out the specifics in fic. What I do know is...

VI) When plans change and he and Aneesa use the tent to hide, Ben looks *directly* at the relay track as if hoping Devi might circle around in time to see this happening.

#Answered Asks #the paris of people

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axemetaphor · 3 years

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im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

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mysterylover123 · 4 years

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Does Bones have a BKDK ‘agenda’?

mysterylover123

The speculation I’ve seen so far about why Bones cut the flashback from the TodoBaku scenes in Chapter 164/Episode 79 is because they were ‘so preoccupied with BKDK in the new movie that they forgot about Bakugou’s development with Todoroki”. Which does raise the question, does Bones indeed have a BKDK shipping agenda of some kind?

The idea of an anime studio preferring a pairing and adding in tons of extra material to bias fans towards it is an absolutely founded suspicion. Clamp putting out official homoerotic art of Suzaku/Lelouch, that foot wash scene Madhouse added to Death Note between L and Light, Pierrot pretty obviously liking SasuNaru and Naruhina and throwing in tons of extra material for both; Studios do do this. They prefer certain pairings and they play them up. So does Bones have a BKDK agenda?

The answer I’ve found on examination is a resounding “YES”, but Ive preserved my ‘let’s find out’ tone of writing for the rest of the examination.

Well, let’s start with the OPs and EDs, the first original contributions Bones was able to make in the adaptation. “The Day” does indeed have a long sequence focusing on them, but it’s not unreasonable given the content of S1. “Peace Sign” doesn’t include anything in particular, nor do ED1 or 2. ED 3, “Sora Ni Utaeba”, does have a scene of Kacchan meditating about Deku and getting mad, then blasting towards him at the end and the match-cut with his eye. But this is pretty minor, and fits episode 2.24. ED3, “Datte Atashi No Hero”, is the first time an OP or ED appears to have an agenda of shipping these two, hardcore. LiSa’s song is, according to her, about their relationship, and the Fantasy AU ending has the mutual understanding shot at the end. But it also has smiling prince Shoto, Dragon Kiri and Uraraka greeting Deku, so other ships get a nod too.

“Odd Future” has very little, though one could interpret the snow behind Deku as meaning something romantic. “Update” does include the lines ‘love’ over and over again in the final shot where they stand together watching the stars, but others are there as well, like Shoto and Ochako. Aside from the symbolism of DVK2 in OP5, the rest of S3’s ops are pretty light on BKDK, as was Polaris and ED6, and our current OP too. However, ED7 did have those mirror shots of them brooding in bed, and growing up.

So yes, the OPs and EDs do have a lot of emphasized shots between them. But nothing too crazy. Let’s get into Filler, movies and changes to episodes now.

Season 1 features no filler and no overt tweaks to any episodes; the only bit of added on BKDK I can think of is Deku blushing as a kid during the flashbacks in DVK part 1. Nothing too dramatic in Season 2 either, as the filler ep is about Tsu and nothing is particularly altered from the manga, besides throwing in the Kabe-Don in Katsuki Bakugo Origin. OK, that’s a big besides, given the sexual implications of that in anime culture. Season 3’s filler ep has Bakugo challenging Deku to a swimming contest, but there’s also a bit of TodoDeku and KiriBaku and IiDeku extra teasing there, so again, nothing like a pure bKDK-based agenda.

The 2nd filler ep of S3 has a little BKDK, as does the film, but nothing overt. The film has a bit of KiriBaku agenda, given all their scenes together, and throws in extra TodoBaku (the first bit of extra TodoBaku, alongside Episode 58, that they tossed our way). S4 gave us Deku’s soft smile at Kacchan’s antics, and contemplating on the retake arc last ep, indicating that Bones is indeed including little nods. And now there’s Heroes Rising, though that one was Hori’s idea.

My theory is that Bones does kinda like the ship, but that they have started including more and more BKDK because of how popular it’s getting. Winning the Tokyo Tower contest for the film, the 12,000+ fanfics, the unceasing winners of the Popularity Polls….my guess is Bones knows how popular BKDK is, so they’re adding in more fan service of it. But they were adding in little bits since Season 1 (The cherry blossoms, the smol Deku blush), so saying they have a bit of a BKDK agenda might…not be inaccurate. They do throw in a bit of Fanservice for other ships too, like Izuocha, KiriBaku, Tododeku, and even TodoBaku a little.

But aside from the popularity of BKDK…I think it’s also the key relationship of the series. Everything at it’s core is about them, they’re the main characters and the main focus, so it doesn’t seem too silly to slip in lots of them. But they’ve never had trouble tantalizing other pairings before this, even if they always added more to BKDK than the others. So I don’t think they cut TodoBaku’s scene just because they like another pairing better. I mean, that wouldn’t make much sense anyway.

But that is what started this discussion, so now we come to the real main question. Is Bones downplaying TodoBaku for BKDK? Certainly, BKDK is the only platonic pairing in canon that they’ve slipped quasi-romantic fanservice into in the anime (the blush, the cherry blossoms, the kabe-don, all things that have more romantic implications than anything done with Tododeku or Kiribaku). This needs another closer look.

In Season 1, Bones doesn’t especially play up Todoroki, or his future significance. No extra glances that aren’t in the manga, no closeup shots on him when he’s not the subject of a scene, etc. S1 is pretty much a straightforward adaptation of Chapters 1-21, no filler added, no noticeable agenda either way. In S2, that remains the truth for most of the season. I did notice that Bones makes some small changes in season 2 to the framing on Bakugou in a few scenes, like In Episode 25 where he’s made to look especially menacing Pre-last match, or Episode 27 where Jeanist physically restrains him (not in the manga). I’m not sure what agenda that might push, if any, as far as the ships go.

The season added in a scene of Bakugou tutoring Kirishima, which is in one of the Light novels and not the manga. They also, of course, as I mentioned above, added in the Kabe-don in Katsuki Bakugo Origin, as well as that entire alleyway sequence. The filler episode has a small scene between Deku and Todoroki that could be read as shippy. But yes, in S2, Bones doesn’t add in any extra, non-manga Todobaku.

The drama CDs and Smash, interestingly enough, do. Neither seems to have a lot of Todo/Deku, but they sure like slipping in TodoBaku subtext. There’s 2 drama CDs where they get stuck together by villains who want to scandalize them with compromising photographs, and multiple Smash comics joking about how their heated interactions come off as sexual tension. Of course, Smash has fanservice for pretty much every ship at some point.

In S3′s filler ep, Bakugo does yell at Todoroki “you too” after challenging Deku. It’s pretty minor, but it’s new stuff. Everything for the rest of the Training Camp arc is manga-canon and straightforward, as is the hideout raid. No real playing up of any one pairing over the other. The PLE arc adds in some filler that does seem to be hinting at a slight Todo/Momo agenda, since it has her wonder ‘what would Todoroki do’?, and indeed if Bones has a Shoto Ship leaning in any direction, it’s probably that one. But nothing extra added to BKDK or Todobaku that wasn’t in the manga already.

Episode 58 and the movie, however, do add in TodoBaku scenes. Their same usual dynamic from before, of course. Bones seems to see TodoBaku as essentially, how a lot of the fans see them: Bakugou antagonizing Shoto and Shoto’s reaction being an unbrideled ‘meh’. They do depict them working together in the film, and having a secret grin - though that grin has to do with BKDK a little. In context, Baku is being soft that Deku and All Might won, Shoto sees it, and smirks, making him tsun-tsun.

S4 did add an extra scene in Filler ep 3 where they talk about their future plans. There’s an adjusted reaction from Deku in the next ep, where he smiles fondly at Katsuki. The new OP also doesn’t show Todoroki and Bakugou together, alone in any of the shots of them; they’re always separate, brooding about their own problems, when this OP could’ve been a good time to show them together. Outside of crowd shots, they don’t share the screen.

So yes, all in all, the conspiracy theory idea might not be so far off. Bones definitely does include little nods to BKDK that make it even shippier, and does seem to be downplaying TodoBaku a bit, at least more so than the Drama CDs. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, since at least unlike Naru/Hina vs Naru/saku, it’s unlikely to actually influence the series’ content - there is no actual love triangle here to be played up or played down, just fanon ships. Still, it is noteable.

#todobaku #bakudeku #studio bones

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mountain-of-divine-fire · 5 years

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Crystal spirits, and how i work with them

Disclaimer. this is all my personal experience and beliefs. though this post is educational, take from it only what you believe. my word isnt the authority and neither is any other blog post.

In my experience with crystals throughout the years, ive learned many things about them. i hope this post will help yall out there, who are maybe beginners, or just curious on how some things work, or how others like to do things.

This post does not list crystal correspondences.

This will be a bit rambly, but i hope you get what i mean~

Obtaining your friends

Couple of options for this, i would suggest going rock hounding in a local area. Bring your companions, water, and your tools.

Maybe youre in a place with slim pickings,like me. you can just buy some online or in person

Crystal shopping online seems more convenient since you can look everywhere for whatever you want, and get to compare prices.But physical crystal shops are great because you can tell by feel who wants to come home with you.

honestly, i believe nothing happens to a crystal that it doesnt want to happen. and if it does, it will end up fixing it itself. If you get a crystal that doesnt feel right, you will know who to give it to.

Im in the crystal shop. Now what? Well, just take a look around! see what catches your eye.I like to have a very loose suggestion of a shopping list, but it usually gets thrown out the window. If you feel like you need to touch something, do it. (unless the shop says no touchy ofc). Some things will practically jump out at you and scream “TAKE ME WITH YOU”. If you dont find something that really yells at you, and you still want to bring something home, just find something pretty.

How crystal spirits work

This is mostly based on what ive experienced. this doesnt come from any specific belief , but it does align with how some people practice animism.

(much like in steven universe,if i had to give an example,) Crystals pop out of the ground, knowing who they are and what they do.They may grow and change with their experiences, but mostly, they know what theyre about. They are given energy and life by the earth, and they do their job.

Each crystal group, species, and individual type seem to have overarching personality traits and a group spirit. i think some folk call these “crystal devas” but im not entirely sure where that comes from and what that entails. also each vein, and individual piece, has their own spirit and personality, say, beryl and quartz are completely different. An amethyst and a rose quartz are both quartz, and therefore have a similar type of personality, but are different. Each amethyst also has its specific differences. A chevron would be different from a grape jelly. Two individuals broken off from the same cluster would be different but similar, and so would each half of a broken slab.

sometimes individuals have names, and sometimes they can be named by you. some like to work with each other, and some prefer to work alone.

Each crystal has correspondences , but sometimes those general guidelines can be deviated from, simple because the individual just doesnt do that kind of thing.

My crystal broke! what happens then? Well, now you have two friends to work with. Some folk like to keep one half and give the other to a friend, some keep both halves and glue them back together with super glue (i do this with show pieces), and some folk like to bury them and return them back to the earth. You dont have to get rid of your broken pieces if you dont feel like its time. The crystal will let you know

How crystal spirits communicate

Most of the time, unless youre just really closed off, you will just feel it. They usually speak in feelings. if one wants to come with you for the day, you will know. If one wants anything , youre gonna know it. Dont second guess yourself, and just do it on impulse, pretty much.

These spirits are from nature, and are usually not relatable to humans (theres exceptions to this, like lab made crystals, and carved skulls, more on that later.). they can and will communicate in ways youre not familiar to, if you dont do spirit work.If a crystal tells you its name, like its TRUE name, you might not even be able to comprehend the words its throwing at you. dont try to decipher it, just let it be. also , try to keep true names secret unless they tell you otherwise.

If you cant really feel what they try to communicate, you could also meditate. If they want to say anything at least. just get cozy and meditate as you usually would, once you get good and calm just hold a rock and sit with it for a bit. Usually this type of communication is more in detail, maybe fully formed thoughts and sentences, maybe images. Once i even got one that liked to speak through song lyrics!

If you cant do these, use a pendulum! Ask the pendulum where its yes is, and where its no is. (for me usually, non human or complex spirits like to go left and right for yes, and forward and back for no. for animal spirits and servitors, ive found usually they nod yes and shake no. not sure how plants respond just yet.)

Ask it some troubleshooting questions first like “are you an amethyst, are my eyes blue, do i live at XYZ” ect...

A problem with pendulums is, if you try and use a crystal pendulum when working with any other spirit, the crystal itself may respond. Always ask if youre talking to the right entity.

What might a crystal communicate to me? It could be something as simple as “my name is ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ “ or “you like to smoke cleanse usually, but i would specifically like sunlight ”, or it could be advice about a situation that you need help with.

Can these spirits be malevolent? personally, no. i dont think so. though it can be a grey area. most nature spirits want nothing but the greater good for themselves, nature, and maybe even you, if youre a good person in its eyes.

there are instances where a crystal could be “angry”, maybe because the way it was obtained, or that it holds some kind of curse/hex/negative energy (maybe just even being around something awful that happened). Usually cleansing a stone will help with this. And if it doesnt? Try and see if you can do anything for it.

Be careful about crystal runes, as you can piss them off. ive made a few mistakes in my time working with them(and by a few i mean a LOT, its not fun), in general just dont be a dick, and dont ask for things youre not ready to know the answer to. always thank them for cooperating, and cleanse them after use.

What are the effects of this? for me, it was like a terrible panic attack, i was suffocating, my heart was going nuts, it was so hot, and i was so dry mouthed. i have never had panic attacks that bad. Tried to use some quartz crystals to ground myself, since i knew it was an attack, and they broke in half in the middle. This is completely my fault. I got scared and locked my runes away because it told me something i wasnt ready for, the next time i busted them out (and i hadnt thanked or cleansed them since,) is when they decided to teach me that lesson.. i was new at magic and stupid. and im glad my first big mistake was with something this forgiving. You probably wont ever have to deal with something like this if youre generally respectful. please learn from my mistakes.

As with any divination and spirit work, you need to take protective measures. when youre speaking to a crystal spirit, you may actually be talking with something else. and it could be negative. use your best judgement please.

Whats up with cleansing/charging/ect..?

a lot of folk like to fight over whether or not you need to charge, cleanse, and bless or whatever else you need to do to crystals. Personally,i do like to cleanse crystals after heavy use, spellwork, or when i first get them from a shop. just to get rid of residual negativity.

Crystals can hold information, but as far as charging them, im not so convinced. crystals arent a sigil, or something you made yourself. it has its own energy from the earth and its spirit, and will work perfectly fine without any of that. Only do what you feel is necessary

If its fine without charging, then why cleanse? other than getting rid of stored negative energy, its just a nice thing to do every once and a while. It sort of works like an offering. showing that you respect the entity and want to work together in a mutual relationship. if you keep up your end as a guardian, then it will help you.

How do i use crystals in spellwork and every day life?

well heres some ideas!

carry some around in your pockets/bag/bra/whatever according to whoever wants to come with you , and crystal associations

Gridwork. make a crystal grid

In spell jars/bottles/satchets

As a decoration in your house to give the space a certain mood, feeling, or help.

In meditation, to give advice perhaps, but also to help you according to its correspondences

In divination, as help.

As vessels for spells, enchantments, servitors, and whatever else (always ask it first!!! im using a large quartz as an astral tether, and a smaller one to house a servitor)

As a friend. ever heard of pet rocks? well this is just an aesthetic step up from that.

in your plant pots, to help them grow and thrive (be careful about water solubility)

Pain relief and healing (only do this in congruence with actual medical care! keep around a fluorite for sinus issues, but definitely take your cold medicine)

Important notes~

As with any spirit, treat your crystals with respect. especially since theyre gifts from the earth. Dont act like you own a crystal. Like a piece of the earth, we really dont own land either. You arent its master and it doesnt have to do what you say. when you buy a crystal, youre pretty much signing up to be its guardian, and adding it to your team. be good to the earth, and to your friends, and a crystal will be good to you.

if you have suggestions on other ways to work with crystals, comment! I hope this post was informational and not a complete rambling mess. have fun working with your rocks, yall~. Post about crystal skulls coming soon.

Admin Fifa~

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red-wardens · 5 years

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DA Questions

Tagged by: @goblin-deity and @gothkimmyschmidt -- thank you :)

Tagging: @jaffa-keksi @chillyrose @dickeybbqpit @mocha-writes @the-dread-doggo @heraldofwho @keeperscompanionsdai @space-vashoth (if you guys haven’t done it already. if you have, tag me so i can see!)

–---------

01) Favorite game of the series?

Dragon Age 2. I love the bisexual disaster companions and how they have friends/relationships/lives outside of you. And I love Hawke and their tragic story. I also like having years passing with the same protagonist/companions instead of “my new companions and I had one crazy year together”. Plus fighting mechanics were my favorite in this game.

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

I saw gifs of Morrigan on tumblr years ago (back when DA2 was still new) and thought, “holy shit, she’s pretty I should play that”, and just never got around to it till a couple years later till when I saw a lot of gifs of default Marian Hawke and thought “she’s gorgeous and funny and I would die for her” (I still can’t believe I used to think I was straight...) and then found out she’s not till the second game so I hurried up and bought Origins to play first. Then got hooked, Origins has such a great story.

03) How many times you’ve played the games?

I’m on my 4th and 5th (playing simultaneously) playthroughs of Origins, I’ve played DA2 either 6 or 7 times. Inquisition I’ve only played once and I skipped most of the side missions because that game is so long.

04) Favorite race to play as?

Elf. I love dwarves a lot though and if they could do magic they’d easily be the fave.

05) Favorite class?

Mage. I like healing and not having to get close to enemies.

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

I try to play differently each time and role play hard (ex: certain mage OC’s are only allowed to have skills in certain fields of magic even if it’s inconvenient for me, my traumatized-by-Carver’s-death Hawke who is triggered by seeing ogres can only “hold position” when one appears and I can only fight as the companions because she’s having a panic attack). In Origins I like to put someone different on the throne each time, side with mages once and templars the next, and have companions love/hate me according to my OC’s personality (and not cheat by using the Feast Day gifts). In DA2 I have a different personality Hawke each time and they make varying choices but in the end I have never sided with templars. I think in my 2nd Inquisition playthrough I’ll side with templars though out of curiosity.

07) Go-to adventuring group?

Always depends on who is the love interest and who are the closest friends of my protagonist. Even if the team comp is terrible.

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

Blue Surana was my first character ever so she’s had the longest time of me adding/subtracting/updating her and her story. That being said I like to think I’ve put a lot of thought into my Mahariel and Amell as well. Out of my Hawkes, Claira is the most developed.

09) Favorite romance?

Fenris.

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

I've read all the comics and I’ve read “The Calling” and “The Last Flight” I plan to read the other books soon hopefully.

11) If you read them, which was your favorite book?

I really recommend The Last Flight if you’re a die hard Grey Wardens fan like me. The main character inspired the name for my Mahariel.

12) Favorite DLCs?

I genuinely forgot Awakening is DLC since it came with my game but, yeah. I love all the companions in Awakening and I wish it were longer. “The Exiled Prince” is also another fave since I genuinely like Sebastian Vael and he’s a kickass squadmate.

13) Things that annoy you.

The white-washing, what happened to Orsino, the way Inquisition doesn’t take into account Hawke could have been a blood mage, no healing as an Inquisition mage, the fucking Requisition Officer, the way you can’t be nicer to Sera, no dwarf romances, and how the Inquisitor can’t call Cullen out on certain things (Cassandra too, honestly, though I love her she can be really insensitive to other cultures). That’s just in the games, don’t even get me started on some of the fandom.

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

Frozen Dog Lovers > Snooty Elf Oppressors, any day

15) Templars or mages?

Mages, no contest.

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

I have 3 worldstates that I have playthroughs for, and a Multi-Warden AU

Worldstate 1 - Arcane Warrior/Battlemage/Fire Mage, mutual-pining-for-Sten, grey-sexual Blue Surana + Spirit Healer/Ice Mage, Fenris Romance, gay Akono Hawke

Worldstate 2 - Ranger/Assasin Archer, Zevran Romance, straight Isseya Mahariel + Blood Mage/Earth Mage, Sebastian rivalmance, panromantic/ace Henley Hawke

Worldstate 3 - Blood Mage/Spirit Healer/Entropy Mage, Leliana Romance, bisexual Alyss Amell (dies) + Shadow/Dual-Blade Rogue, Anders Romance, bisexual Claira Hawke

Multi-Warden AU: Blue Surana is main warden and recruits the others after Ostagar forming what I call the “Warden Squad”. Most thought-out world, that I have the most writing for but will probably never get around to writing the actual fic. We will see. Also, I need to make some Inquisitors for all these worldstates....they’re planned out I just need to force myself to actually play them.

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

Mabari’s: Rabbit (Blue Surana), Dog (Isseya Mahariel), Teddy (Alyss Amell), Tor (Akono Hawke), Better Carver “BC” (Henley Hawke), Bear (Claira Hawke). Isseya Mahariel numbers her wolf and bear summons A-# for wolves and B-# for bears.

18) Have you installed any mods?

I play on xbox so nah, sadly.

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

Blue Surana didn’t want to leave the Circle and Isseya Mahariel didn’t want to give up searching for Tamlen so “no” for both of them, but they both were amazing at it. Alyss Amell, as much as it terrified her to leave to fight things, wanted to be free of Kinloch Hold.

20) Hawke’s personality?

Akono is almost exclusively Purple though he has rare Blue moments when speaking to Carver or sometimes Fenris.

Henley is solidly Red except maybe once or twice chose purple banter for talking to her only friend, Varric.

Claira is the most varied in that she’s split 60-40 between Blue and Red, meaning well and wanting to be all good/peaceful, but having a wild, passionate temper when defending mages and her friends/family. I also headcanon she has the foulest mouth of my Hawkes though she actively tries to stop cursing it’s an unbreakable habit. She’s also a shameless flirt and hits that heart button almost every single time it comes up (I wouldn’t consider her Purple at all though since she isn’t sarcastic and is the type to laugh at jokes rather than make her own).

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

I made Cole and I matching outfits because I love him ._.

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

This could get long if I listed everyone so, Blue Surana regrets not telling Sten how she felt sooner, though she doubts it would have changed anything. Isseya Mahariel wishes Tamlen could have been found sooner so the Joining could have saved him.

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

My entire Multi-Warden AU is a big “fuck you” to canon because all those potential wardens deserve to live dammit.

24) Who did you leave in the Fade?

In this house we do not leave Hawkes in the Fade. So, sorry Loghain :(

25) Favorite mount?

I legit forgot I had a mount 90% of the time. At least I got to hear more dialogue I guess.

#about me #thanks for the tag!#long post

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necromancy-savant · 7 years

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My opinions on every single Shakespeare play

Most of this consists of things I wrote down a while ago when I was reading a play a day so I could keep them all straight in my head, particularly the ones I’ve only read once.

COMEDIES

All's Well That Ends Well – Forgettable and made me roll my eyes but still better than Love’s Labor’s Lost.

As You Like It – I’m left with a lot of questions at the end of this. Does Orlando know that Rosalind was Ganymede? If he’s friends with Ganymede now, won’t he wonder what happened to him? And shouldn’t he be friends with Rosalind knowingly before marrying her? Should a relationship be built on deception like that? I guess you could say the same about Twelfth Night, but Orsino finds out Viola was disguised before marrying her so actually no, you couldn’t.

Comedy of Errors – This might just be the silliest thing I’ve ever read but it made me laugh anyway. You’d really think they’d figure out they’ve been talking to different people by the end of Act 2 at the absolute latest, but whatever. The best line by far is: “If she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world.” It’s because she’s really greasy.

Love's Labor's Lost - So boring and pointless I almost couldn’t finish it. Literally nothing at all happens the entire time and there’s no reason for any of them to like each other.

Measure for Measure – Having already read Henry VI Part 3 a couple of times, this was déjà vu in the worst possible way. Plus the ending was fucked up in a whole variety of ways. Also, I realized I have no idea who the protagonist is, though I guess I thought it was Isabella. Other than the malapropisms (at least one character in this play should definitely have a Twitter) and the marriages, it’s hard to see this as a comedy. The aforementioned marriages are all fucked up in their own ways, except for Claudio and Juliet who were already pretty much married so they don’t count. Isabella should have stayed a nun and stayed single, and the Duke is totally the kind of guy who wants to think he’s a good person when really he’s an irresponsible douchebag. Like just do your fucking job instead of fucking with everyone for the sake of fishing for compliments or playing the hero or whatever.

Merchant of Venice – I might be able to like this if it weren’t for the worst anti-Semitism I’ve ever been exposed to. I like Portia; I kind of wish she was in a different play. I think Antonio and Bassanio should just be together, and she could be perfectly happy being single. This is one pairing I actually think is convincing, but to be fair I’m usually not particularly invested in the idea of anyone ending up with anyone.

Merry Wives of Windsor – I had high hopes for this because Falstaff is in it, because apparently Queen Elizabeth specifically requested more Falstaff, so in that regard she knows what’s up (I disapprove of the fact that she wouldn’t let Shakespeare perform Richard II because Richard II is wonderful). This was very silly but I thought the part where Mistress Quickly mishears a ton of Latin words was funny. Also there’s this girl whose parents each want her to marry a different guy except she wants to marry a third guy who she actually likes and he likes her and stuff, and her parents are like “you can’t marry him because he hangs out with sketchy people like Prince Hal and Ned Poins” and I just think it’s hilarious that they have such a bad reputation. After Taming of the Shrew I almost didn’t want to read comedies ever again but I’m glad I stuck with it because most of them really aren’t like that at all.

Midsummer Night's Dream – I love this and I can’t even explain why and I don’t really have a good reason for liking it; it just makes me lol, especially Nick Bottom. My favorite line is “In ten lines it is too long, making it tedious.” That’s a beautiful thing to say.

Much Ado about Nothing – I actually liked this one. It’s a tiny bit like Taming of the Shrew if Taming of the Shrew wasn’t horrible. I like that the leads have a healthy relationship based on friendship and mutual respect. They say they don’t want to get married because they just don’t want to have to settle for someone they don’t like enough, which I think is a good attitude to have cause it means they take marriage seriously, and they’re too afraid to be made fun of by each other to admit they like each other. Plus everyone likes Beatrice’s wit and outgoing personality instead of saying how awful she is and that she talks too much (for the record, Kate in Taming has waaayyyyy fewer lines than I expected her to have so that’s something to think about). I like how Benedick believes Hero when she says she was framed which was a pleasant surprise since I was worried he’d take Claudio’s side. It’s the part where Beatrice says “I’d eat his heart in the marketplace” and Benedick is on their side and doesn’t question or doubt them. And he and Beatrice were good friends first without being disguised as other people, except briefly but she might have known it was him. I like that he takes the high ground at the end by saying that it doesn’t matter what he said before and he doesn’t care what anyone says because he’s happy. And I like that he’s really, really picky about what he wants in a girlfriend but her hair color doesn’t matter. That was really funny.

Taming of the Shrew – Worst thing I ever read. First it’s all rape culture, and then it;s all abusive marriage. It has everything I can’t stand about certain kinds of modern comedies.

Twelfth Night – I didn’t think I’d like this one but I actually thought it was funny and really entertaining despite the fact that I don’t care who ends up together, so that tells me it’s doing something right. I also realized I remember whole passages that I had no idea I remembered from 8th grade.

Two Gentlemen of Verona – I don’t really have any strong feelings about this except that Proteus does not deserve a happy ending and I wonder what’s going to happen the next time he sees a woman other than Julia. But I guess that’s why they call him Proteus.

HISTORIES

King John – The whole thing was kind of just a will they/won’t they with the armies of England and France, but I like how extra Constance is, and Eleanor is pretty great which is why I’m pissed that she randomly dies offstage. Philip the Bastard is also an interesting character, but I still don’t really get how he walked into court one day a bastard and left it a Plantagenet.

Richard II – Love it; truly beautiful and tragic and has some of the prettiest, deepest lines I’ve read in Shakespeare, and it’s a reflection on the meaning of kingship that’s not seen elsewhere in the Histories. Richard is also not straight and seems kind of non-binary in the versions I’ve seen and I like that. Maybe part of the reason I like both of the Richards is that I see them as not straight. I know he’s no good at being king but I love him anyway. I didn’t think he was going to die though and was rather upset; when Bolingbroke was like “convey him to the Tower” I was like “oh shit, that’s where people go to die!” I mean I know they moved locations to Pomfret castle first, but that’s when I knew what was going to happen.

Henry IV, Part I – One of my favorites. I admit that at first I didn’t like Hotspur. I admit the most offensive thing about him to me was that he says he doesn’t like poetry. He struck the kind of person I can’t stand: loud, angry, annoying, and cares about things I think are stupid. But I’ve heard some different interpretations of his character, and I saw a production where he was really endearing and that got me to really like him. He’s a true chaotic good: he cares about justice first and doesn’t care who gets in the way of it, no matter how important they are. He really doesn’t deserve to die at all. Hell, he and Hal could probably be good allies if the circumstances were different. There are some really funny parts in this and Falstaff is great, and it’s actually really insightful when he says honor is a scutcheon in a way I wouldn’t have expected from him. Prince Hal strikes me as kind of a bro but he’s definitely more sympathetic for me in this one than the other two plays he’s in.

Henry IV, Part II – Honestly not much happens in this one until the end and I’m not sure if I can forgive Hal for what he did to Falstaff. The dude was so excited to go the coronation and see him and he was just like “I know thee not, old man.” It was cold, and normally when I say that I mean it in a good way but not this time. He was basically like “fuck off and die” and that’s exactly what he did. I’m not happy about that.

Henry V – I saw a joke summary of this that said “70% armed combat, 30% jokes” and that is completely accurate. This has its moments for sure. The comic relief characters aren’t as funny as Falstaff though, and I really can’t stand Pistol and couldn’t when he was briefly in the preceding play either. There are things I like about Henry V as a character, but sometimes I question his decisions. He manages to pull it all off somehow though, and that’s impressive.

Henry VI, Part I – I love this whole tetralogy. Joan of Arc was in this and that was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. York comes off as kind of a dick though. He and Somerset are the pettiest people ever. Plus I started to get some of Margaret’s backstory, and knowing what I know now I get why she’s so done with everyone by the time of Richard III. I still don’t forgive her for everything she ever said and I still don’t think she’s 100% a victim in all of this, but to be fair it turns out she is mostly a victim in all of this, and I get that she’s a bold person who’s willing to do what it takes to come out on top and survive, and this can be both a positive and a negative quality depending on the situation.

Henry VI, Part II – This one is largely about how York and Somerset’s pettiness almost destroyed England. Aside from that, this solidified for me that I really don’t like Henry, although Margaret continued to really grow on me in this one, and I feel bad for her that she has to put up with him and basically do everything for him. In spite of this, I find their relationship to be extremely entertaining. I like the part where she punches out the Duchess of Gloucester in front of the whole court and Henry’s just like “it’s whatever, she didn’t mean it” and the part where some guy fakes a miracle and they hit him to prove he can run away and Henry’s like “how could God let this happen?” but Margaret’s like “I thought it was funny watching him run away” (and I was like SAME; she really spends this whole play saying exactly what I’m thinking at any given time, particularly when it comes to Henry) and the part where they’re running away from the battle at the end and Henry can’t keep up because of fucking course he can’t and Margaret’s like “could you be any slower?” and he’s like “maybe we should just sit here and accept our fate.” He is such a wet blanket. I spent the whole thing yelling “Henry, what is wrong with you?!” at my book. While he’s not a terrible person he is mediocre and painfully stupid and I really don’t see him as having any redeeming qualities. Also Richard shows up for like 5 minutes at the end to collect Somerset’s head and be called an “indigested lump” by someone he just fucking met, which incidentally is the same exact thing Henry said to him. Update: I finally figured out what it is I don’t like about Henry. It’s not even what he says to Richard in the Tower (that is not even half the reason I don’t like him, but for the record even if it was the entire reason it would be an excellent reason). It’s that I see him as childish and to me that’s an extremely negative quality, though I expect it’s also what makes him endearing to some people.

Henry VI, Part III – 10/10 I love it so much, I have a strong opinion on nearly every scene. Margaret is a badass in this one, Henry continues to be an ignorant, damp slice of bread, Richard is in it, and it has my favorite scene in all of Shakespeare when he kills Henry in the Tower, and another scene I love when he says “speak thou for me and tell them what I did” and then Margaret yells at Henry and says “art thou king and wilt be forced?” and her finest moment when she kills York, and the best piece of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen when Richard says about Margaret: “why should she live to fill the world with words?” Also Edward is a fuckboy and a bad influence. I’m ashamed to share a name with him. I kind of think he died of a deadly STD; serves him right.

Richard III – Favorite Shakespeare play, best thing I’ve read in a long time, and definitely one of the top five things I’ve ever read, especially taken together with Henry VI Part 3. It’s everything tragedy should be, parts of it are extremely relatable to me personally, I’ve memorized more of both plays than I care to admit, and it’s a good thing it’s short enough that I can read it over and over because that’s exactly what I intend to do. I don’t know why reading something about someone who makes all the wrong decisions would make me feel better about my life, but I think this is exactly what Aristotle meant when he said that tragedy should be cathartic. Also Richard is definitely ace as fuck and I will fight anyone who tries to say otherwise.

Henry VIII – First of all, Katharine deserved way better. Second of all, I feel like it really glossed over the part where he created the Anglican Church just so he could divorce her. Also there was some really shameless plugging of Queen Elizabeth at the end, so I’m guessing this was written during her reign, which would explain why Henry VIII doesn’t look as bad as he does literally everywhere else I’ve seen him (update: turns out it was written later). I seem to remember that he ended up killing Anne Boleyn and that didn’t happen in this play though I was kind of waiting for it to. I’ve really never read anything this positive about him, and that’s even counting the fact that he tossed Katharine aside after seeing Anne Boleyn once at a party. And I did find out that Buckingham’s real name is Henry, although it’s not like I needed another Henry to keep track of.

TRAGEDIES

Antony and Cleopatra – I really didn’t care for this one. Cleopatra seems like kind of a stereotype to me and I’m not terribly invested in either her or Antony. Romance isn’t really my thing unless it’s super compelling for some special reason or unless I like both the characters individually. This has neither of those qualifiers.

Coriolanus – I didn’t like this very much, even though it’s about Rome. Coriolanus is not a compelling figure to me; the whole premise is that he’s good at fighting but he’s also an asshole, and neither one of those things is interesting to me. Honestly the only part of this that isn’t extremely boring is Volumnia.

Hamlet – I hadn’t read this in a really long time and didn’t remember any of it, and I liked it more than I thought I would. It’s kind of gothic in a wonderful way, even though I know that’s not an appropriate term to use for something written at the time it was written. Honestly though, my liking for Hamlet as a character was severely diminished when he started making dirty comments to Ophelia, and she seemed way more sympathetic than I remember her being. The common theme in many of these tragedies seems to be a protagonist who is lost and overwhelmed and ends up lashing out because of it. The speeches in Hamlet are the best part for me by far, but yeah. As someone who likes language and anything dark, I like it.

Julius Caesar – This I quite liked; I think Brutus is a compelling character and it raises some interesting questions. It also contains the most passive-aggressive thing I’ve ever read. Although, during Act I when Cassius is trying to convince Brutus to kill Caesar, all I hear is “Brutus is just as nice as Caesar. Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, okay, people like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.” Honestly I think Tina Fey purposely paraphrased Cassius’s lines when writing Mean Girls, which is pretty cool. I liked it when I auditioned for it and I’ve come to really love it, having been in it. I want to see more productions of this one.

King Lear – It’s grown on me over time, I guess. I do have some strong opinions on why Cordelia is actually kind of awful. I like Edmund and Regan and Cornwall, and Goneril have their moments, but none of these characters really get enough air time for me to like the play. What there is a lot of is Lear who is just depressing on multiple levels and his fool who annoys me with his overuse of the word “nuncle” even though I know it’s fairly normal for words in English to lose an /n/ at the beginning due to our articles like how “apron” used to be “napron” until people thought “a napron” was “an apron.” And there’s a lot of Edgar and Kent and Gloucester, none of whom I’m convinced to care about even though I have nothing against them. So overall I still think it is confusing and needlessly depressing, but I am slowly warming up to it. Like, I already know life is pointless, I don’t need something to tell me that like it’s some kind of revelation.

Macbeth – I really don’t understand Macbeth as a character. You think he’d be able to say “no” to murder seeing as he has no real interest in it. I don’t find it romantic at all that he does whatever crazy thing Lady Macbeth wants. I find it kind of disturbing, and certainly not something that reflects well on him. At first it seems like Lady Macbeth should just get rid of him and do everything herself if she’s going to be like that, and I don’t understand why she can’t bring herself to kill Duncan if she wants him dead so badly, and then she loses it halfway through the play and that’s always a let-down. Also isn’t this the one that has the line where it’s like “your father’s been murdered” -“oh, by whom?” and “what, you egg”? As funny as that is it doesn’t exactly speak volumes to Macbeth as having the greatest dialogue all the time. In conclusion, I want to like this play but I really don’t get what’s wrong with either Macbeth or Lady Macbeth and so I can’t really get into it.

Othello – This was always one of my favorites. I always thought Othello and Desdemona’s relationship was really beautiful and romantic in Act I but for some reason my liking of Othello never stops me from being intrigued by what Iago’s going to do next. There’s something appealing to me about being able to always say the right thing and having the self-confidence to make everyone do what you think they should do. That said, having now seen a Shakespeare villain who is manipulative (in an extremely different sort of way) but has motives and a personality, he seems really boring by comparison. I kind of get now how he’s just a plot device, and that does make Othello an even more sympathetic character. And it’s really heartbreaking how he thinks he’s not good enough for Desdemona and has to deal with his worst fears being confirmed after he’s had so much shit to deal with already. I think anyone would break.

Romeo and Juliet - I got tired of it a long time ago and honestly it’s not that good. It’s just kind of average. I get that people have to fall in love quickly in a play that can’t just go on for 10 hours but I still can’t bring myself to care about the characters. Juliet is mildly interesting but Romeo is just a boring person and I don’t care for him at all. Plus I feel like there’s a weird age difference between them considering she’s like 13 or 14 and he’s probably like 18. I’m probably just too ace for this play but I don’t get the appeal. (Update: I’ve now been in this play and I still don’t really get it. I don’t have anything against it but it doesn’t do too much for me either. I liked being in it a whole lot, but it wouldn’t be my top choice for something I want to watch).

Timon of Athens – I feel like there was the potential for this to be a good story about someone who kept giving people material things to get them to like him to the point of running himself into the ground (ha, literally) only to discover that doing that doesn’t actually make you real friends, but it never really came together for me. So good idea, not so sure about the execution, although my book thinks that Shakespeare only wrote part of it and Thomas Middleton wrote the rest so that probably has something to do with it.

Titus Andronicus – This has its moments but it’s not as violent as I thought it would be, which is not good for something that’s known for being violent. My first big problem with it is that Chiron and Demetrius get off way too easy. I was waiting the whole play for them to die horribly only to be let down. Being baked into pies hurts Tamora, not them, and I hate them so much that I’m out of fucks to give about her. My second big problem is that Titus is a selfish piece of shit. He fucking kills Lavinia because her condition is just too painful for him. He complains that he only has 5 children left but he kills two of them himself, on stage. I like Aaron in spite of myself, or at least I like a lot of his speeches; they’re a lot of fun to read. I was surprised that he wanted his child to live even if he couldn’t take care of it personally, but I have no idea how to feel about that because on the one hand I can see how it’s a redeeming quality, and so I like that there’s some effort to humanize him, but on the other hand I wish it was done a different way because that’s not something I have any basis to understand. All this said if I had the chance to see this performed, I admittedly would.

Troilus and Cressida – I’m confused because I spent most of this thinking it took place before the events of the Iliad when actually it was pretty much a different version of the same story, which is disappointing because as much as I love the Iliad, I already have the Iliad. As for Troilus and Cressida themselves, I was rolling my eyes when she thought she had to play hard to get, but then happy when he said that was never necessary and was just happy to be with her even though she thought she was embarrassing herself by expressing her feelings for him; he didn’t shame her for it and that perception was all in her head. But then she didn’t really have any choice but to go with Diomedes, so it’s not fair for Troilus to be mad at her. Plus they only just got together and they weren’t official or anything. He’s a bit of a dumbass, to be honest, even though he and Cressida have some sweet moments. I kind of like Thersites; he seems like my kind of guy. He hates lechery, doesn’t care for war, and thinks most of the Greek generals are full of themselves, which is pretty accurate. I like that he rejects the kind of masculinity most of them embrace where they just fight in order to get women. He thinks they’re the dumbest people ever for engaging in all of that, and frankly I think it’s pretty idiotic too. However, I don’t like that he makes fun of Achilles and Patroclus for being gay. There are already so many good reasons to make fun of Achilles.

ROMANCES

Winter’s Tale – I didn’t have any strong feelings about this until the end, but now I’m wondering where Hermione was for 16 years? I guess she stayed hidden somewhere, but how did she know when the right time to come back would be? Like that was some really good timing. I mean I guess I’m glad Leontes got his shit and part of his family together but to me that doesn’t really make for anything particularly memorable. And I don’t recall him actually apologizing to Hermione or Perdita, so he should really get on that.

Cymbeline – I wasn’t particularly expecting to like this, but I did. It had some of the same elements of the Winter’s Tale except it was way better and I liked the characters more – don’t get me wrong, it was still really…I’m not sure what the right word is, when all the male characters are assholes and they do awful things to Imogen and then she magically forgives them at the end, but at least I felt somewhat invested in her and her brothers, and there were some funny parts, but the part with the ghosts was really weird and I don’t know what to make of it. There are some weird parts in the Romances and I’m not feeling that.

Pericles – Not quite my cup of tea but I don’t hate it. I admit I don’t really like how it takes place over, what, decades? Plus I’ve never heard of this particular Pericles in my life. I totally thought it was going to be about the Athenian statesman. But I did like that it takes place partially in the Near/Middle East, even if it’s just the parts that were part of the Greek world (I’m guessing Hellenistic). But I liked the story well enough and I like that Pericles isn’t an asshole unlike Leontes or Cymbeline, and I like how Marina and Thaisa both were just dropped on a beach somewhere and by the time Pericles finds them they’re at the top of the societies they entered, and how the guy who was going to take Marina’s virginity was really embarrassed and gave her a bunch of money and was supportive when he found out she didn’t want to.

The Tempest – I actually enjoy this and I think it’s a fun play. Caliban is hilarious and I actually like that it turns out not to be a revenge story. Sometimes it’s nice to see someone be the bigger person and have everyone live, even if it’s not cathartic in the same way. There are some really cool interpretations out there but even on the surface I find it quite entertaining and I think there’s something to be said for something that makes me happy for no reason.

#shakespeare #I know people are going to want to fight me because I don't like Henry VI #but I can't with him #I shame to hear him speak #to be fair I've heard good things about him as a historical figure #and I know he was actually mentally ill #so everything I say is based solely off the plays I read #with no bearing on the real person

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vmgx16 · 5 years

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smol update on my life, im not sure why.. been so long since here, but sometimes i sit worried wondering how ppl i love but lost contact with are doing, always have this fear one day i’ll just never hear from some people again.... aaaanyway. Update. So i have been called several things several more times than expected, ppl say i have a mom like personality, and wow the amount of kinky i could get into surprised even me, specially with how much love and care is in it.

Had gone through some pretty fucking awful times, me and two people i loved dearly and a friend spent months, maybe an year, in a sort of codependent hurricane of bad, we all suffered from really bad suicidal ideation, depression... it was a shitshow, but, still there was good moments, reasons why i loved them so much, and i knew they could get past it.... i used to not try to hope i would, id say id be happy enough if the two of them ended up happy, even if i died. Of course they said the same thing to themselves... At some point i scared ppl too much and i was put into suicide watch. Psych obviously saw i was codependent, and it was either limiting my time being able to interact with them severely, or being put on the psychiatric hospital against my will. That time was not good. Had kinda put all the responsibility of their betterment onto me, but during a little bit i was actually in more immediate danger, so they were the ones worried over me... And, well, more complicated things happened, lots of them, i’m so glad we’ve all survived that....

It’d be a while before i learned something i had always seen wrong about empathy. i always valued it a lot... several times id try to define myself through it, and in some ways that hasn’t changed. But.. i had to learn that i could be there for others, help them, sympathize with them, but i shouldn’t forget that they’re them, and i’m me. Ever heard of vicarious trauma? i wouldn’t believe it was a thing a lot... i’d think it was me being selfish, trying to turn others’ traumas about me... But, had same symptoms as trauma, having a word or a situation reminding me of certain things, id feel it immediately, at best a headache, somethings id be scared and panicked, and also things going over and over in my head, unable to leave, showing up in nightmares, also drive to retraumatisation, etc etc. It.. really sucked. It came from, when learning and attempting to help those i love, who had suffered from some really bad things, i didn’t allow myself to feel better than them, in my head id have to be just as miserable, since they didn’t deserve to be miserable, why should i get something better? So yeah, it was some kind of martyr complex, depression telling me i was an awful person often, and me trying to prove it wrong but the bar was beyond what my brain could withstand. i had to learn to put the O2 mask on myself before the next, i can’t help people if i harm myself while doing it. Ok that was a bit much... but.. good news!! We’ve met some amazing ppl lately, and our family is bigger. There’s.. this person who i feel about what id never expect id feel about anyone. Not at first though, it was real cliche how a misunderstanding, (and admittedly me not being the best, or smartest) caused me to kinda hate his guts really fucking hard for a bit. But like, i really dunno how id describe it, person i believe understands what i truly care about the most, and cared just as much if not more. We’re very oddly similar in some things, very very opposed in others, but even when i just can’t agree with him, we say arguments, debate points, and it’s just never destructive, it’s constructive. Of course, i had to learn a bit to get to there though, since, although ive always longed for being able to talk like that, he was some steps ahead of me when it came to having a personal method to do so. Oh, yeah, he is also a lot more intelligent than me, which really pushes me to become more intelligent myself every single day. My drive for self betterment has been better than ever in my life, i always did see i got better at things when there was someone who i wanted to see me succeed, but.. well, will just say it has been incredibly good for me

Oh and he’s so kinky!! It’s interesting, he doesn't even get horny that much, but he believes sex should be something way wayyyyy less taboo than it is in our society. Which, yes i totally agree with. Honestly though, some of the vicarious trauma stuff i said earlier, i thought there was somethings id never be able to see untainted again, some ways to express sexuality that would always remind me of certain horrible feelings, and im so happy i was proven wrong.

Think i got ahead of myself a bit. I was saying how our family had gotten bigger. Well, the person i was just kinda fangirling about? He’s kinda the reason it did. Him and one of the people i loved met, and then both of them, and them they both were kinda into him a lot (that scared the shit outta me ngl XD), and there were people who already had met him, and people who both groups met mutually in this videogame modding community. My guess is that he has seen how so many servers you can end up meeting awesome ppl but also there are those who kinda try and play politics within, and how it was hard to actually keep these friendships along the time, and so he made a server for those friendships, and it slowly became a family. Gosh.. i could fangirl over each person in the castle for a long time...( oh yeah, server we call castle cuz he is into some medieval fantasy shit, which if you know me you’ll know that shit is my jam (like, fuck being called princess is still something that will get to my heart (although, usually nowadays i get more ‘slut’ or ‘queen’, not much in between XD ))) but one of the things ive learned is how to be more productive with my day, and like, i see now how long i’ve spent on what was supposed to be a very quick update. Seriously, that ‘smol’ up there was a liar. i’ll just say i love them a fucking hell of a lot, they’re snuggly, kind, smart, lovely people. And we all go through some shitty times still, being stronger doesn’t make us invulnerable, but we will support each other, and always get better at doing so. Sometimes it’s overwhelming.. and i get scared First time in a long time... actually, since ever, except when i was too young to understand anything, where i can actually see any future i can be a part of.

It’s funny, when i was actually a kid, what id imagine wasn’t too far from this, just well, i believed it was too fantastical to be real. (Although, id never foreseen, for several reasons, that it’d include me being a part of a harem XD which yes we lovingly call some of what we have a harem since most ppl are subby and he’s dommy, even when it’s not sexual CX)

TL;DR: i’m determined and more happy with where i am in life than i thought id get to be! Through good and bad waves, i may cry and fear, but as long as i carry with me the people i love in my heart, and i try to improve at every step, i know i can keep walking. And.. i do try to keep in my heart everyone who’s been important to me, even if i dont see them anymore.

#idk why i get scared over just sending a simple message #perhaps im scared our friendship was something i read wrong #i could speculate over what it is i fear.. but the most important thing is #shazim if u read this id just like to say that i do miss us being closer friends.. and.. well id like to know how you're doing #and no matter what.. you were a really good friend who id first felt like myself talking to #and even if we dont talk i just hope the best for you #<3

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fxikb0ay-blog · 5 years

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notsoaveragjoe · 5 years

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#2 Bad Hair and Purple Tie-Dye Sweaters

Hello, Cruel World. Welcome to another late night from the mind of Joe. I feel as though I should start with an apology for not making my second post more than a week after my first. Then again, I promised you nothing. (MUHAHAHA)

But seriously, it is my goal to try to get into a regular schedule posting on here in order to experience the freedom to write just for the love of it. As a musicology student currently working on the beginnings of a large research project looking on toward a graduate degree, I have done and plan to do a heck ton more academic writing. Just looking at the last semester alone I wrote hundreds (with an s) of pages of lit reviews, document-based research projects, conference papers, and much more. For the last three months I have not written much more than “2 Chicken & waffles-1 no sugar, Hot brown, + kids omelet” on my server pad in scribbled and illegible shorthand. Actually, who am I kidding, I know the menu well enough at my serving job back home that I haven’t written an order down in years. (Go check them out here. Great food, wonderful staff).

I digress..

Setting the Stage: Currently sitting in a dimly lit corner of my apartment, sipping a cup of tea and whiskey-- a bold choice. In the process of trying to not hear the passionate clamor of my roommate and his main girl during “euphemisms”.

During my homeward commute this afternoon, I was in a mood and took a detour to the supermarket where I subsequently purchased the following items:

Hair Texturizer

Dental floss

Bananas (Thanks Gwen)

Purple Tie-Dye Sweater.

Who You Are, Mannequin Pussy

As a black person, my whole life has been plagued by a complex relationship with my hair. Though of a complicated racial background and identity, one definable feature and large conundrum in my personal identity has been figuring out the best way to ‘keep’ my hair, maintain it, and style it in a way that is authentically me. Whoever the hell that is. Regardless, my hair has been a struggle to understand for as long as I can remember understanding things. Over the last year, I have began the process of growing my hair out. Though I have never had long hair before (or big hair... I guess?) I figured that the best way for me to understand what I want is to go from a large chunk of something, and then wittle it away until I find the “sculpture within”, sort of like this.

After about the first six months, I realized that I was constantly irritated the coarse texture of my hair as it became increasingly difficult to wash, comb out, and style on a day to day basis. I did know that I would not be happy with a fully relaxed hairstyle, but I hope that my hair would be more manageable with texturizer treatments to slightly loosen the curls. Applying the treatment every few months to the new growth, as recommended by numerous hairstylists, I had begin to develop a slightly softer, but still curly hair texture.

Between moving twice and adjusting to a new city while doing lots of new and exciting things, I had not had the time nor the patience to do one of these treatments on my hair for quite some time. That was, until tonight. This evening, I began the process as I usually do: I apply the texturizer to the most course parts of my hear, near the roots, and begin to go on to less coarse points of new growth. Once I had finished applying the stuff, one corner of my head began to BURN like none other. Though I had experienced this pain before, it had never been to this extreme extent. As I quickly applied the neutralizer and rinsed my hair as thoroughly as humanely possible, moaning in discomfort to match my the euphemism going on across the hall. Though my skin is a little tender, I now realize that the air in this city had non only been drying out my face, but my scalp was also as dry as a chip and beginning to crack. Upon this realization, I began to long to speak to someone about my experience, but on a greater level, it reminded me about how difficult my struggle with my hair has been.

Growing up, the culture to which I was accustomed incorporated going to a barber shop across town from my home to get my hair cut by a man named Sid or his son-in-law Rodney. Though it was a cool place, the only thing I learned there was to always get my hair cut really short, oil it occasionally, and comb it every day. Nearly every black man in my community kept their hair like this, so I thought it was the norm. I had always been raised to believe that guys with afros were either novelties or punks, and any other hairstyle was either dirty or unnatural for a man to have. On the other hand, my mother and sister either had their hair relaxed, or it was in a complex braid style that took them entire weekends to get put in. In any case, it wasn’t something that I was taught.

Now, this is not a knock on my parents, who did their best to raise me with many privileges that they did not have. With them both working full-time careers my whole life, I am not angry with them for not taking the time to teach me about hair when they spent so many countless hours teaching me to read, write, and appreciate music. Still, it is wild to me that in order for me to get questions answered about my hair, I have always turned toward online forums and hair magazines to educate myself. It is also more astounding to me the sheer volume of hair care products, advice, and advertisements that are marketed toward white people. Even though there are black people literally everywhere, it is sad to see the inaccurate representation of people of color in this medium, as well as insufficient selections of hair-care products in most beauty supply aisles.

Vegabond, Beirut

As I feel a chill from the ceiling fan, I draw my hands into my newest oversized sweater. Then I remember I need to type.

In addition to the scalp burning hair texturizer, I also purchased dental floss (for obvious reasons) and four bananas (for the potassium... of course). Practicality aside, I now believe that the real reason my wayfaring soul drew me into the store was this sweater in particular.

You see, for years I have lived in a world of toxic masculinity where it had been frowned upon to like anything ‘girly’ or ‘feminine’. Much of the dark parts of my life had previously been blocked out of my memory. Since beginning therapy, I have slowly began to have repressed memories return to me at the strangest of times, like a certain group rudely interrupted my internet browsing the other day. Upon seeing this purple tie-dye sweater in the store, my initial thought was “Thats pretty, but not my style”. Though a ‘correct’ statement, I remember how a drag queen had read me a few weeks ago, calling me a ‘heteroconforming, midwestern, plain-jane’. I can’t lie, she got me there. The majority of my wardrobe consists of dark earth-tones, some varieties of the color blue, and the occasional floral shirt for when I want to be ‘extra’. Oh, and black. Lots.Of.Concert.Black.

This dominoed into a number of thoughts reminding me of a statement one of my friends made, “For someone who LOVES the color purple, you don’t seem to ever express that love very much”, in response to a discussion about a mutual friend who loves the color green and rarely has the color too far away.

Hello, this is therapy talking. OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS OF YOU SHOULD NOT VALIDATE/INVALIDATE YOUR SELF WORTH. We’ll work on that next week...

When wandering the store, all of these thoughts went swirling around my head, much like the storm brewing outside. Upon further internal inquiries, I circled back to the mens clothing aisle to surprisingly see it was on sale, since it is July after all. The only sizes available were larger than my petite Sm-M that I usually wear, but I managed to find a medium size that fits as comfortably as an oversized sweater. Im sitting in bed right now swimming, but not drowning in thousands of threads of purple and white cotton. As I have always thought of myself as best in earth tones, wearing the color makes me both feel bright an happier, but also makes me look more pleasant in the mirror than I have in the past. Instead of hiding from the stereotypes of gay men, I think this is a better gateway into a life of being content liking what I like without further reasoning past I Just Like It. This impulse buy was likely one of the best purchasing decisions Ive made in a long while.

Fuck Toxic Masculinity,

~Mojo

#purple sweater #conforming #stereotype #toxic masculinity #fuck toxic masculinity #black hair #texturizer #relaxed hair #black hair magic #vegabond #burnt scalp

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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U know. I cry for the world. I really do. But I cannot allow it into my own space which is any space my body currently occupies because I am not trapped and can choose to remove myself. Like, he made me feel like I wasn't sympathetic because I wouldn't let ppl like this in my home. I am sympathetic, not stupid. I would give a percent of money given to me to give all these ppl places that accomidate them.

He literally runs upstairs as I'm quietly eating my food by myself and asks why I'm a bitch. I tell him that's not really fair to say and I'm not interested in talking to him. He says it is fair to say because I'm being a bitch. I told him he's been pretty disrespectful from the start and I'm not interested in having a conversation. He says I'm the one being disrespectful because I owed him 50$ and he let it go cuz my partner is letting him stay at his house. My blinders went on briefly - like my brain clicked at that moment and we were no longer associates of any kind. Was I required to kiss your ass and buy your beer because you let my 50$ debt go for stupid reason? Who the fuck are you? And fine - fine. Thank you for debt forgiveness. But the fact you think I still owe you something - even a nicety, which I've given numerous times, is a person I don't want to know. I'll give you what I owe and nothing more. Why would I allow a dynamic in a personal relationship like that?

I got dressed and told my partner I would see him tomorrow as our friend jumps back and forth from saying he'll go and asking me why we can't have a "civil conversation".i told him I did nothing, I waited for him to be finished cooking so I could eat and now I'm upstairs because I don't want to hang out and now I'm leaving because this is disrespectful.

Finally he leaves and I feel uneasy. I know I'm there for my partner but I know he has feelings about it either way now and I don't know what to do because I don't want to talk to this guy again. So I tell him and say if he has a problem I'll leave. He says he has no problem it's between us he didn't want to be brought into it and now hes being brought in. Im like wtf rly. I'm sitting here eating a man came in and yelled that I'm a bitch and you think I brought you into this? Cuz I was the mature person who removed myself from a conflict seeking person? Fuck offfff. I told him fine, I would just go then. He said he's not mad but fine he'll see me tomorrow. I told him I'm not mad I have anxiety and no outlet so im leaving.

I called another mutual on the way home hoping for weed and a smoke. As I was on the phone I get a message from the first friend telling me he's sorry he was beligirent and he understands my point of view but "Jsyk I was offended too".

Our mutual said fuck him. But this is not really our friend. I know our friend very well and I know there is no way he would believe any different from his original stance unless someone explained how he might be in the wrong perspective. He spent days believing I was holding an attitude with him when I literally gave no fucks. I was nice, I hung out, I made and bought food, shared my weed and he continually had a disrespectful attitude towards me in every conversation I had and I was just over it because Ive really tightened my circle to not include people like him. I don't need it, I didn't do anything and I'm not going to be shit on because I shared what little I had and this guy is fucking crazy. Also I guess I'm ghetto but if a friend is shit on by someone in front of u, u back them up. My partner should have guilt for not saying hey what kind of language is that for a civil convo. But it's fine too because I'll remember this.

I sort of expect that my partner did tho. I feel our friend probably tried to approach him about it after I left and told him he was in the wrong for yelling at me and because he said "I hope we will talk again" to me implies my partner told him I'm not talking to him again as he could've said.. Nothing. Or hope we will be friends again? Hang out? It's just a weird admission of guilt that comes from my partners moral high grounds. Like he would never apologize to such degrees but he will tell u this is exactly how you should do it but it's our friend saying "Jsyk I was offended too". He's offended because every other friend knows I don't answer phone calls. I answer for like.. The government, doctors, my one friend and my partner. Otherwise I do not. It's a joke in my circle because I always answer texts. I always answer dms. I stopped fb but it was the same. Emails. If u call I will never call u back. A friend knows this. It's my quirk. It's fun. If it's an emergency, I'll know. It never is. I'm a confidante to people. Like I'm not a psychiatrist I'm a living diary where these people expect me to sit and listen to their problems and give them a certain level of wisdom and care and interaction or I'm not a friend. You and chantel and taff and Tom and Aaron and Jared and kitty. I sit and watch people. They are not my friend but I'm theirs and they wonder why at some point I check out and don't care about this shit they're doing. My partner falls into this and is probablt the absolute worst I've had so I have no room to do this for others and I think now it's like chosen victimhood when I remain friends and partners too. Like I know this person - I KNOWWWWWW this person because my job was to listen to all their shit. Like if knowledge is power im queen cuz I know. So I know they're fucked. I know. I could write a book verified by them of how fucked they are. And that means at some point they will be fucked again. That's their character. I dunno if that's who the fuck they are but it's what they presented. And being so close puts me within their fucked shit. Whether directed at me or not. Sam. No ones in my shit. No ones following my life. No one listens to me everyday except a girl I barely know in real life but force myself on her and literally don't know if she likes me or feels sorry for me but she's gracious. And even then I don't share everything. She's certainly not invested. This friend expected an investment further into listening to him because he made me feel bad and always wanted a relationship with me and when I was with my partner he was not super cool about it. I empathized and sympathized and wanted him to do well in life but I'd never be with him. I could barely be his friend. I barely liked him as my drug dealer. But I felt man. He criticized how I lived even though I'm not homeless. He is. And I don't want a point in my life where I'm arguing with a homeless man because our government gives you money. You make choices and I made the choice to use the same money not to be homeless and you decided to hitchhike. Logic. You are who you surround yourself with and I'm not this and I can't be the confidante of this while having everything I do responded to with a sigh of disappointment. It's a huge reason why I never called back when it was obvious he didn't get it. Why.

I liked my partners "I'm not mad". Really. He said it under his breath then quickly said "fine whatever see you". It was one of the first few shows of like "but I wanted you!" that he's made outside of sex. Like showing disappointment meant he had to involve himself into easing my anxiety which was too complicated and too much effort for him. He needed me to get over it.

I'm glad I left. I didn't argue with anyone but expressed how I felt and thought and left. I'm not replying to his apology because I'm going to blindly assume he spoke to my partner and I'm happier he said anything to defend me than I care about this apology. It's an action he would take instead of apologizing. He did something to help my anxiety and that's so much better than nothing. He is really trying to be consistent and elevated in his investment. I mean, this whole thing is fucked. But like... Iget along with him. He's the male figure in my life my parents demanded I needed for disciplinary purposes. But he's like a drunk army sergeant. U respect but he's a little fucked and sometimes makes u do questionable shit. But in the process youre somehow built into a better person and ur like yeah the army (relationship) was pretty great shaped me as a person but my drill (his personality) got drunk sometimes, cried and when u said ur uncomfortable got angry and threatened a discharge.

He has control of me but gives me freedom to the nth degree.

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hereiam310-blog · 6 years

Text

My Pain is self chosen...

so im not sure how these are suppose to go... show myself to be smart, witty, funny, sad.. or pour my heart out and make you cry... or what!?... since this may be my one and only blog.. i guess ill just be myself. to qoute a favorite artist of mine, which i wil do many tiems as we go thru this.. “ to be yourself is all that you can be” -CC-.... as i am writing this now, just thought... someone will read it and take it the same way i feel when i watch the show “shameless” .. i think, wow... my life is not all so fucked up like i think it is!

when i was 17, nearly 18, i decided hey, i guess ill go get myself a girlfriend... which at that time, that would be my first gf... thats not how it really went, but ill say so just to feel more “confident” ... so we end up dating.. it lasts about 3 years.. the gf starts talking marriage shit.. and living together... i was 21, she was 19 or 20... it was not a good idea to me.. so her parents to decide to go “bible thumping” on me.. when they go to church maybe once or twice a yea!... saying.. “you two need to become one ,you have to leave your parents and form your own family”... these are the same parents that tried to sign their own son up for the army to get him out of the house...and hell.. hardly ever would have a meal on the table .. but just a couple times a week. so the gf starts talking to her ex behind my back.. we broke up... gained knowledge i tend to not put in use... and gained a best friend the gf’s brother....

if you havent guessed by now, most of this will be about relationships ive had.. the different experiences.. the knowledge i should have gained.. .my own fuck ups all along the way!... because of these relationships i am where i am now.. ..i do not learn from them, i never put myself first.. being too nice is not a bad traint to have, you have to use it wisely tho!.. my own saying.. use to say when id explain me being nice.. and forgiving...is if.. you were to cut my arm off and fall down doing so, id probably reach out with my other hand to pick you up... should have realized by now tho i can not always be the one to pick someone up..after so many times of picking people up it can bring you down.. a weight so heavy... and eventually it will bring you down.. ive never been in what id call a normal relationship... dating someone who is “normal”... i pick the ones with problems everytime.. and then think i can help, i can fix... maybe this blog is me reaching out finally to be the one picked up.. i have someone amazing i feel has reached out that hand for me...

so... i figured out what i needed and never looked back.. took a step in the right direction.... wrong... more like every relationship take a step forward.. am actually going 3 steps back... maybe i need to hit myself in the head a few times to knock some sense into myself!?

--BREAK---... just had to do some work.. figured id throw you off as well!... messing up my writing flow!

so lets see... next relationship of importance(lightly used word there)... i guess i moved back to brenham my home town... at some point in time.. can not quite remember.. but dated some girl.. who had moved to texas to go to a rehab place! well hell that should have been a sign already.. to move on along!.. but of course i did not... she turned into an alcoholic... then one nite... tells me oh hey im seeing some other guy... that one was kinda short lived... so it will be short talked about..

where to next... how many steps backward am i now? ... i guess then i moved to ft worth area... started talking to some girl.. went to meet her while she was at work.. first time meeting... she worked at a adult toy store type of place.. again.. maybe that could have been a sign too of some sort.. i dont know if these signs need to be made bigger.. or i just need to stop and read them once in a while...so we dated for a while.. lived about 30 minutes from each other.. i pretty much always went there.. she did not own a car.. had kids.. did not have them all the time tho... her parents were both potheads.. her friends were.. a good friend of hers that lived at same apt she lived at.. that friends brother or whatever , some guy.. sold drugs for a living i believe... so one nite we are laying in bed watching tv or movie.. and i had been curious about her using drugs or not.. and certain signs i guess i did see.. made me more curious.. i went to the bathroom and looked in the cabinet.. and there lays the proof that i was correct... but i mean it was just black tar heroin and needles.. no big deal..after seeing that and going back out.. i was a total mess inside.. but i wasnt sure if i should say anything or not.. of course i did not at that time.. so eventually i guess she comes clean... her and best friend both were heroin addicts..i end up taking her to a methadone clinic for a few weeks paying for that.. she has no money.. oh and i had no money either.. i was broke..so either became more broke or went with debt.. it was all so fucking fantastic! she started seeing some other guy while we were together towards the end.. i guess it in a way ended mutually tho...

nope .. thats not it yet.. still more

on to the next!... so i played a game called world of warcraft.. online computer game.. and my good friend phillip who i lived with in ft worth area.. the very first gf’s brother... well he got me into the game.. alot of his friends played it.. thats all he would do , so i figured may as well join him... one of his friends sister played the game.. we started talking online in the game.. is foreshadowing the right word? because wait for the end of this one..haha... we talk a while.. finally meet, things go good.. after dating a while.. decide to move in together .. moved to north austin.. got a 2bdrm apt.. she had a daughter.. young ... age during relationship.. 3 to 5..we lived there.. then moved to south austin for a bit with her mom... bf.. and her younger brother and sister..was temporary til found where we’d live next.. we pick la grange texas.. small town.. i get a job in a town about 20 minutes away.. it was a nite job.. id leave about 530 in the evening.. pretty much soon as gf got home from work.. and i would work most nites til at least 2 or 3 or 4.. sometimes til 7 or 8 or 9 in the morning.. but it was just tuesday wednesday thursday and sunday nites.. trying to work a nite job and then on weekends be on a “normal” person schedule.. well that is tough to say the least.. and the gf’s daughter would get out of school around 330... so i had to go get her always.. usually just walk to school.. it was 3 blocks away or so... so most days i got 2 or 3 hours of sleep.. sometimes id go a stretch of 3 or 4 days getting a total of 6 hours.. it drained the shit out of me.. so we decide i guess around christmas time it was that we’d go to my friend phillip the one i lived with in ft worth... we’d go to his apt for a christmas for the friends.. and we get back on a sunday evening i think it was.. and gf says , well we are done... you need to move out.. whole time we were at friends over the weekend she was messaging some other guy... you guessed it.. a guy she met on world of warcraft.. few days later she goes to meet the guy .... and they are married now and all.. thats cool...

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