#i have finished all my stuff for today (and it's only 3pm!). time to spend my time on tumblr booping away

[artsyaprilmr]

BOOP???

#oh i love this lmao #i have finished all my stuff for today (and it's only 3pm!). time to spend my time on tumblr booping away #shut up april

[mycrofts-gunbrella]

Caring is the Greatest Advantage- Mycroft Holmes x Reader (Part Five)

Word Count- 3921

Morning had come around a lot quicker than you had hoped it would, the sunlight peeking through the curtains and birds singing outside making drifting back off an impossible task. Though you felt well rested, you simply just didn't want to move anywhere any time soon. Last night had begun with Mycroft shyly placing his hand on your hip as your back pressed close to his chest, but this morning had ended with Mycroft on his back and you with your head resting between his chest and shoulder, hand crossing over with fingers hooked over the pyjama's pocket. You'd never expected to be the type to wake up earlier than Mycroft Holmes, particularly not two days on the bounce, but you wouldn't complain. He looked so peaceful as he slept, the sunlight turning his auburn hair far more ginger, his freckles on his nose matching. You slowly reached one arm backwards, blindly feeling around for your phone on the bedside table and reading through your messages. You grinned seeing a text from Greg and had to fight the small laugh that threatened to escape you.

'Hey, just thought I'd check in on you both and see how you're getting on. I hate to feel pushy but we do really need to start that paperwork, today ideally. Figured I'd pop round later if it's alright- I need a sodding nap first though. Spent the majority of last night receiving phone calls about mysterious activity around St James', load of dodgy cars sending people away, loads of papers.. don't suppose you saw any of that down your way did you, makes life easier?"

Your fingers typed a response- 'Uhh..guilty as charged.. Myc was in jeans and a Who top, daren't be seen by the public..I'll get him to fix it when he's up x'- a grin playing on your face. Yeah okay you felt a little bad, but Greg had dealt with worse. After pressing send, you scrolled further through your notifications, spotting one from John. Nothing major, just checking in and inviting you both over for late lunch, mentioning briefly how it'll do Sherlock some good seeing his brother, even if he doesn't believe it himself- evidently also receiving a message from Greg as he also explained how it would make Lestrade have to do one less visit for paperwork if you popped over a little earlier. Before you could type an answer, you felt Mycroft shift beneath you, stretching out the arm that wasn't trapped beneath your body.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty." You teased, turning your head and placing a small kiss on the Holmes' chin. Mycroft blinked, rubbing his eyes and offering you a 'good morning' in response as he eyed up you typing on your phone.

"Needed to be whisked away to catch a criminal mastermind already?" He asked, sitting up a little as you moved to give him a little more space, his arm still loosely tucked behind your back, though his torso now free.

"Your deductions in the morning are lacking.. though close. Mastermind, but not criminal. John and Sherlock have invited us to late lunch, Greg's popping over to start the first part of paperwork handling, only the basic stuff this time round, so figured it would make it easier on him only having to go to one home before we left." Mycroft breathed deeply, fingers raising to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"I think I'd have rathered the criminal." He spoke, already mentally planning the afternoon, the conversations he would likely have, the way Sherlock would behave. What if he still hadn't forgiven him? It was surprising enough that you had let him off so easily, but Sherlock was different. Sherlock was a Holmes, and someone of whom already had feudal tendencies with Mycroft, it was bound to end terribly. As though you had read his mind, you moved your hand to take his from his face as you noticed his fingertips whitening as he pinched harder.

"Hey, it'll be fine. He doesn't blame you, he's been far too silent for that to be the case. From the way John sounded, it actually seemed more like he was worried about you, though you know he'd never admit that." Mycroft hummed in response, not being able to find the right words to say before reaching over and grabbing his own mobile. "World ending yet?"

"Not yet. Though with any luck, quarrels could happen before lunch." He mused, one side of his mouth raising slightly in a playful smirk.

"Mycroft you can't wish for conflicts amongst empires to get out of a meal with your brother."

"Can't I?" He raised a brow.

"Anthea wouldn't allow it anyway. We're on strict instruction to not go into work for the next couple of weeks, nations be damned. Lunch sounds far more appealing too." You slid yourself out of bed and grabbed one of the bags from Anthea that you brought upstairs last night, taking a handful of clothing items and tucking them under your arm.

"But it isn't lunch, is it? It's LATE Lunch, settled approximately around 3pm, too late for lunch, too early for dinner. It's impractical by any means; you starve yourself at real lunch so you do not ruin your appetite, and then by dinner time you're hungry once again. And if you eat at both of those times as well as the late lunch, your feeding schedules become on par with a bloody Hobbit." You rolled your eyes and headed to the bathroom. "Though you may be more accustomed to such choices given the height similarity between yourself and Mr Brandybuck."

"Cheeky sod, not all of us have glorious Holmesian legs. I'm sure you'll survive a few hours.. Oh, you also owe Greg an apology." You chuckled, opening the message back up and tossing your phone in the general direction of Mycroft's lap before going to get dressed. After reading the message, you heard Mycroft let out a laugh from the other room, the rare kind that you knew made the sides of his eyes crease and his head tip back slightly in amusement; you were sorry you missed it.

Leaving the bathroom, you couldn't help but notice the silk pyjama clad man standing mindlessly in front of his open wardrobe, glancing over each individual item of clothing. Wandering behind him, you moved up on your tiptoes and peered over his shoulder at the rows of suits. You were still dressed relatively comfortably in a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt, which you felt was appropriate for the later meal that would likely be somewhere like Angelo's- but you equally knew that Mycroft's idea of 'comfort' lay within his three pieces, pocket squares and oxfords.

"Don't panic, I'm not going to begrudge you of your precious suits today. You deserve it after actually going through with my wardrobe choice for you.. I didn't actually expect you to do it." You laughed, squeezing his shoulder fondly. "We slept in late again, there's barely any morning left." You commented, glancing over at the clock that read 10:53am. "Can I tempt you in Elevenses, Mr Baggins?" You grinned, your Lord of the Rings reference not being missed by Mycroft. He cast you a playful glare, fighting the urge to childishly poke his two fingers up at you. "What? Not judging my bedside manner this time?"

"It is useless to meet revenge with revenge; it solves nothing." He quoted Frodo without hesitation, bastard probably already planned that you'd quip back with something smart and already armed himself with Shire related comebacks. You, in contrast to Mycroft, did have the tendencies to become childish and did opt for the two fingered response, an adoring smile unnaturally paired.

Not many people got to know of Mycroft's little nerdy side, and you took pride in being one of the few that did, though you took more pride in him for being able to easily reel off the quotes. Though he had told you before that The Lord of the Rings trilogy had been his favourite of everything you made him watch, then when he read the books? You wouldn't hear from him for hours at a time while he binge read through them for the tenth time round, and of course you had noticed the varying editions of the three books on his bookshelf in his personal office, rather than lining the shelves in his small library room. If anything, it just made him more endearing.

Though it was nothing compared with his love of Doctor Who. Bless his heart, you had taken him to watch David Tennant's Richard II a few years ago for his birthday and he was insistent on waiting behind after the performance to catch David leaving and got him to sign his special edition box set of his DW seasons. He even had a photo taken with him, his expression being easily comparable to the likes of a child who just got a puppy for Christmas- and, much to his dismay, the photograph had had a prime place on your desk at NSY since the event.

You made your way downstairs, calling out something about making omelettes and leaving Mycroft alone to get ready. His fingers skimmed across the expensive fabrics, tugging out an olive green suit and red tie and pocket square to match. The smell of the food you were preparing began to fill his nose, making his stomach growl as he rushed to the bathroom to get dressed. After removing his pyjama top, Mycroft caught a glance of himself in the mirror, prodding at the pudge of his stomach that settled just over his pyjama bottoms, before sucking in flat and looking again. Maybe he should forego the omelette and just wait until later.. another growl.. okay maybe just a little, just so he didn't raise suspicion. He sighed, stomach relaxing back to its natural state before finishing his morning routine, tugging his trousers up a little higher than usual to tuck away the offending belly fat.

Mycroft had always suffered with his weight, he knew that. He also knew of his past, how he would skip meals, or spend hours upon hours on his treadmill, or the time he was under Doctor Chinnery for just shy of three years following his habits of completing his meals with his fingers down the back of his throat over the toilet just after his job promotions exceeded and he found himself in much higher rankings- public appearance being far more important than any personal preference. Though his eating disorder had improved, the years of therapy didn't miraculously improve his self-confidence. It was one of the many reasons he preferred inviting others for dinners, or at the very least having his days to himself when he knew he would be going out later in the evening. Spontaneous meals out like the one he would be attending in a few hours, or having somebody at home with him while he waited for said meals threw him off balance completely- his usual routine of fasting beforehand as to not appear rude or raise suspicions when he ate in public being disturbed significantly. You knew of his past, deduced it, actually, and had been nothing but supportive, trying your best to convince him for years that he was perfectly healthy and encouraging him to eat better, to actually consume meals. He was thankful, of course he was, but it didn't help his insecurities around you, no matter how welcoming you had been or however many compliments you gave him. His body was covered in stretch marks and areas of loose skin from his weight loss over the years, his chest hair, though scarce, was a coppery ginger and his body was covered in so many freckles he looked like an explosion at a dot to dot factory. It led him to remember the other reason why he had never previously attempted to pursue a relationship with you; if he was disgusted and horrified at the appearance of his nude body then what on earth would you think when that time eventually came around? He daren't even try to imagine your face. You'd worked with Sherlock long enough to have seen him wander around naked and Mycroft had to admit that his brother at least had a body worth parading about in the nude, then there was Gregory who, despite not having an exactly chiseled body, still had the rugged good looks and toned chest- a physique that clearly represented the physical aspects of his occupation- there was no doubt you'd compare him to them and he would come up short every time.

"Myc? You gonna be long? Yours is going to be freezing!" Your voice had knocked him out of his thoughts and he quickly shrugged on the rest of his clothes, straightening his tie in the mirror and plastering on a small smile as he headed downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Apologies.. the cufflinks failed in succession to cooperate at first." You had eyed him suspiciously, knowing that Mycroft had worn enough suits in his lifetime that he could probably find a way to put one on to completion in 5 minutes in the dark with oven mitts on.

"I know I've been so against the suits, but I have to admit that you look incredible.. I think that one's my new favourite." You commented casually, placing a quick kiss to his temple as he sat at the table. "That colour is lovely." He quirked a brow.

"New favourite? You've had old ones?"

"Obviously." Imitating Sherlock. "Charcoal pinstripe with that light blue shirt- brings your eyes out wonderfully... and your bum." You winked, positively enjoying the pink that dusted the man's cheeks, and the way he would open his mouth to speak and then close it before any words came out. In his defence, he was really not used to receiving such compliments. And in your defence, you weren't particularly used to giving them, not like that anyway. You'd blame Greg, he was a terrible influence and an incredible flirt- using his charm to at the very least try and make you laugh when you had shitty days.

You lay his plate in front of him, a coffee to its side, before beginning to tuck into your own meal. You had learned early on that if you didn't wait until Mycroft was able to eat then he likely wouldn't eat at all. While drinking his coffee fairly happily, you hadn't missed that the vast majority of Mycroft's breakfast was still on the plate, cut in smaller pieces and rearranged to appear as though he had eaten more than he truly had. Frowning, you didn't press- knowing better than to point out his behaviour and just being thankful he had eaten anything at all (about a third of the omelette and half a slice of toast if your judgements were correct) but had elected to keep an eye on him. You finished your own food in silence before crossing the cutlery over on your plate and beginning to speak.

"I figured if we left now we could have a bit of time for you to go through the first set of paperwork, Greg should be getting there in the next 10 minutes or so, and then by the time we finish and have a cup of tea it'll be time to go out." You suggested, taking Mycroft's plate to clear away after he had sent a nod to show he was finished. He made a small groan at the need to go at all, but soon acquiesced, sent a text for a car and stood to go to the front door. Tugging on a hoodie, you opened the door and took a step back, the wind shooting in your face and making you scowl. Mycroft made an amused sound and offered you the scarf of his that you had worn last night. Rather than taking the garment, you stood and waited for him to wrap it the same expert way that he had the night before. "I also text Greg to run by my flat and grab my coat so I'll be able to stop stealing your expensive scarves soon.. though this one feels so lovely I may text him again to leave it on the tube." You laughed, stepping back outside once again and walking with Mycroft to the end of the road where a car was waiting. Mycroft had wanted to respond, to make a comment about how he didn't mind letting you wear his things, how he actually quite liked it. But he stayed silent, offering a small smile instead and a soft hand at the small of your back. Mycroft opened the door for you, climbing in after and settling against the plush seats of the lavish car.

As the car began to move you tensed a little, a thought popping into your head.

"Myc.. does Sherlock know yet? About us? I might have hinted at it a little when I spoke to Lestrade earlier but I didn't press.. I just.. I didn't know if you were telling people." You asked awkwardly. Christ it made it sound like you were in some forbidden relationship. Mycroft's jaw clenched a little.

"I wasn't aware it was secret knowledge, if that's what you are asking Y/N. In response to your question, no. I haven't spoken to Sherlock at all since.." He trailed. "And I am not the sort of man to walk into a room and actively announce that kind of thing. But you should know that he will likely deduce it the moment we walk through the door being as you are wearing my clothing, your hair smells like my shampoo and your skin still has traces of the scent of my soap. So if you didn't want anybody to know, then I strongly suggest we rearrange our plans for this afternoon." Who was he kidding? Of course you didn't want people to know that you were actually together now- you would look ridiculous being such a pretty young woman with a man like Mycroft in tow. You opened your mouth to speak but he cut you off. "If you are going to say you could argue the soaps then it would simply be futile, he knows I have your regular brand at your disposal; he'd know you used mine in the form of... sentiment." The last word felt wrong on his tongue now, knowing you had hoped to keep your.. relationship.. behind closed doors. Mycroft Holmes was a very private man, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want knowledge of your relationship to be at least semi-public, having felt a little giddy when you'd chosen to cross that line with him.

"What? No, I wasn't going to talk about the sodding shampoo." You grinned, reaching a hand over to place on his knee. "Jesus Myc, I asked because I didn't know if YOU were comfortable with people knowing. I'm pretty sure everyone inside that flat knew I fancied you the last few years, I'd proudly walk in and show that my pining eventually paid off. I just know you have appearances to keep up and I didn't want to ruin that, or embarrass you in front of Sherlock." For what seemed like the millionth time in the last few days, your words surprised Mycroft. He felt his jaw loosen and he took a breath, moving only to briefly place his hand over yours for a small squeeze and moving back again. You didn't expect him to say much, he was Mycroft Holmes, not Romeo Montague, but the small smile you sent back his way let him know that you understood his thoughts. The drive to Baker Street was only 10 or so minutes from Mycroft's home so you soon arrived in no time at all, the slick black car smoothly pulling up outside number 221.

"I can only hope my dear brother deduces our relationship correctly and doesn't make a vast attempt to embarrass me in front of his peers.. again." Mycroft knocked on the door, his words casting you back to a Christmas you had all shared a couple years ago.

It was a small gathering, consisting of the pair of you, the Baker Street boys, Greg and Mrs Hudson, and a few weeks beforehand, after multiple arguments of whether or not presents should be shared, Mrs Hudson had come up with the wonderful (terrible) idea of secret Santa which, incase you wasn't aware, isn't a fun game when played with two Holmes' that knew everybody's present and Secret Santa before the packages were opened. You had pulled Mrs Hudson and couldn't have been more thrilled, neither could she when she opened her new tea set- a simple floral design decorated its sides, but she was thankful no matter the pattern, the last teapot having been found at the hands of Sherlock housing human eyes. Conveniently enough, Mycroft had pulled your name and elected to subtly buy you a personalised travel mug for work. After you had opened it, Sherlock had scoffed, muttering something along the lines of "Mycroft isn't that shit at buying presents. He bought you a necklace at first but felt too embarrassed to give it to you in such a public setting and panic bought that cup." Continuing on about how Mycroft had put a lot of thought into your original gift and how it was unusual and how it "obviously" meant he favoured you and was attracted to you. Mycroft had left shortly after that, not making eye contact with any of the silent people in the room and climbed into the back of his car, but you had followed suit and clambered in after him- easing the tension by ignoring Sherlock's allegations and giving him the envelope that you had in your pocket. You had told him you had bought him something special anyway, even though he wasn't who you were supposed to buy for, because you cared for and appreciated him- he had opened the envelope slowly and his eyes widened, that rare smile appearing on his face when he was presented with the Richard II tickets. After your exchange Mycroft had given you the necklace anyway, spouting derogatives about his brother's deductions as he did so. It was a small silver chain necklace with a sparkling silver pendant that, upon closer inspection, you had noticed was a police badge.

You smiled fondly at the memory and instinctively placed your hand above your sternum, feeling the small piece of metal beneath your clothing that you hadn't taken off in two years. You turned to face the man beside you a little more, placing a hand on his shoulder and reaching up on your tiptoes to place a lingering kiss on his lips, moving back only when you heard the latch unlock in front of you, and noticing the ever so slight pink tinge to Mycroft's bottom lip from the lip balm you had put on earlier. "That should make it easier to get it right." You commented, fighting the small grin from your face as you noticed Mycroft standing in the same way, lips parted slightly from where your own had been moments ago, a matching pink dusting his cheekbones. The door opened revealing a smug looking Sherlock.

"Be careful Mycroft, you'll catch flies like that if you aren't cautious enough."

#Mycroft Holmes #mycroft #bbc mycroft #bbc mycroft holmes #mycroft x reader #mycroft holmes x reader #bbc mycroft x reader #Sherlock Holmes #sherlock #bbc sherlock #john watson #jim moriarty #greg lestrade #lestrade #moriarty #watson #x reader #reader insert #mycroft x reader smut #mycroft holmes x reader smut #mycroft x you #mycroft holmes x you

[funkymbtifiction]

This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

#question #mbti #enfp #depression #self growth #spiritual development

[superfanficnatural]

Less Than Human

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Male!Reader

Summary: After a homophobic encounter, what you thought was going to be the worst day of your life, turned out to be not so bad when your boyfriend Dean got involved.

A/N: So I wrote this based off of something that happened to me 2 days ago. Everything that is in here is all stuff that actually happened to me, the descriptions, the thought process, the dialogue, everything. Up until the point Dean comes in. Writing this really helped me get through it and no one has to read but I’m putting this out there for anyone it might touch. Also, I’ve changed the names and instead of writing both Turkish then translating, I just wrote it in English. As always, I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Homophobic Slurs and Encounter, Angst, Fluff.

Word Count: 4,137

Gif isn’t mine

You never expected it. It was like a car crash that came from your blind zone. Like the underdog team winning the game. 

You never expected it.

You woke up one morning on the couch, opening your eyes to notice the room surrounding you. A smile lit up on your face, noticing that you were in your apartment building in Turkey, on vacation. With the virus, being stuck at home back in the US was nothing short of lackluster and dull. Thankfully, the flights had finally opened up and you were able to fly over. You were overjoyed, excited to see your friends and family once again after not seeing them for a year. Your first day was spent unpacking at home and essentially rushing to the neighborhood where most of your friends and family hung out, eager to be able to see them once again. Since then, you had spent every day with your friends, desperately making sure that you were busy all day. They were excited that you had returned as well, all of them waiting on your arrival since you had first bought the plane ticket. 

Getting out of bed, your dad was sitting on one of the chairs at the table towards your right.

“Finally awake huh?” he asked, shoving his phone in your face to show the time was 3pm. 

You moved the phone out of the way, “Slept at 7am, still got jet lag.”

“Sure,” he simply responded, going back to his phone.

You rolled your eyes with a smile and got up, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Moving past him and into the corridor, you walked past your father's bedroom and the kitchen to get to the bathroom, going inside and closing the door behind you. As you took your shower, you smiled, already ecstatic to get to your friends once again. You usually loved to take your time and enjoy your shower but your excitement got the best of you, rushing to finish it as you got out and dried yourself off. Clearing the foggy mirror, you grabbed your hairdryer and began to dry out your hair, pushing it in the direction you wanted to style it in. After your hair dried, you grabbed your hair product and spread it across your fingers, applying it to your luscious locks and washing the residue off of your hands.

“Make sure you brush your teeth!” your dad yelled out from behind the door.

With the toothbrush already in your hand, you gave up the argument forming on your lips and got to brushing, getting rid of your morning breath. Getting out of the shower, you walked into your father’s bedroom and threw your towel into the washing machine, walking over to the living room and pausing by the door frame.

“Close your eyes,” you told him, seeing him on the couch on his phone still.

He dramatically sighed, “Ok.”

You walked in, “Not my fault you’re in my ‘room’, maybe go hang out in your own?”

With his eyes still closed he responded, “Not my fault your ‘room’ is the living room.”

“God, you have a response for everything don’t you?” you scoffed.

He didn’t respond as you grabbed a pair of underwear and put them on, telling him that it was ok to open his eyes. Looking around at what you had brought, you had decided to wear your khakis with your white baseball tee, grabbing your black Ray Band glasses from the table and placing it on top of your head, completing your outfit. After putting your wallet and phone into your pocket, you turned to him.

“Ready to go?” you asked.

“Ready,” he got up from the couch and followed you into the hallway, walking up to the front door with you.

As you bent down to put on your shoes, you stalled, “Should I wear the black ones or the white ones?” you asked, wary about what would compliment your outfit.

“Who cares? It’s not like you need to look perfect for paparazzi at every second, you aren’t famous.”

“Well one, ouch. And two, just freaking tell me which one!” you were tired of the little game he had been playing with you all morning.

He dramatically sighed again, “The white ones.”

“Thank you,” you rolled your eyes.

After putting on your shoes, you tied the laces and was just about to close the door before you froze in place, “I forgot my mask and my keys!” you turned back around and ran into the living room, grabbing your mask and keys off of the desk.

As you returned to the front door, your father was looking at you incredulously, “You forgot the two most important things you need?”

You were tired of his sass and noticed that he himself didn’t even have his mask, “Oh really? Well then, where is your mask?” 

His face went slightly pale and you began to chuckle, “That’s what I thought.”

“Shut up,” he grumbled and walked past you and into his own bedroom, walking back out with his mask in his hand.

“Move your ass! We gotta get going!” you left the door open as you ran down the steps, reaching the bottom floor and opening the front door.

“Oh I’ll move YOUR ass!” he yelled, coming into view as you were laughing.

You held the door open for him, “Ladies first,” you gestured outside the door with your hand.

He smacked the back of your head as he walked out, you closing the door with a scoff. The two of you made your way to where the Taxi’s usually parked, flagging one down and getting in, your dad telling him where to go. As you sat in the back seat, you looked down at your phone to see a text message from one of your friends that worked at your uncle's shop.

Where are you?

It was sent about ten minutes before and you sighed in annoyance, not feeling the buzz in your pocket. As you typed out your response, the instant message of ‘ok’ returned, giving you the impression that he was waiting for you. 

As the Taxi ride continued, your father turned back to you slightly, “What are your plans for today?”

“My plans with a few friends got cancelled so I’m probably going to just hang out at the shop with my friends who work there. Maybe call John and see if he wants to hang out,” you responded, remembering that your cousin wanted to meet up.

He nodded and turned back to face the road, your eyes following the movement and noticing that you were almost at your destination. After a few more minutes on the road, the driver stopped as your dad gave him the money for the trip. Getting out of the car, you looked around the familiar neighborhood and turned to face the workplace that you spent most of your days. Your friends were too busy running around to give out orders to notice you, so as you walked up and entered the establishment, they turned to see you and smiled.

“Took you long enough to get here, help us out a bit,” Teddy asked, walking past you with an order to place it on one of the tables.

The workplace was owned by your uncle, a tiny little dessert shop with the sidewalk being used as a sitting place, leaving some room for civilians to walk by as well. Usually when you came to Turkey every summer, you spent your free time working with them, not getting paid but just helping out and gaining some work experience; forming a close relationship with the two men who worked there. 

“Can you take these orders out to table three?” Peter asked you, handing you two of the plates with decorated sweets placed utop them.

Grabbing it from his hands, you turned to instantly get to work, your mind going into overdrive to keep up with the orders and customer service. After about an hour, everything had calmed down and the three of you managed to finally sit down.

“So, got any plans for today? Your girlfriend gonna take you out again?” Teddy asked.

You rolled your eyes, “She’s not my girlfriend, and no, I have no plans.”

“Looks like you’re stuck with us,” Peter wrapped his arm around your shoulder with a smile.

You smiled in return, “Looks like.”

From then on, it was actually a really boring day, almost no customers coming by. As you were sitting at one of the tables outside on your phone, Teddy came out with the motorcycle keys in his hand.

“I’m gonna go pick up Anna from the house, I’ll be back soon,” he walked past you and got onto the motorcycle, turning the key in the ignition and speeding off. 

You knew he lived close so you wouldn’t have to wait long, turning to see Peter walk out of the store and lean against the frame of the door. You were close with both of them but were closer with Teddy, something about the way your personalities just complimented each others made you grow incredibly close. It might have also helped that he was incredibly attractive, muscular but not too much, his face looking as if it were carved by a master carpenter. You got out your phone, intending to call your cousin to see if he was available before pausing and hovering over his number. Even though he was only a few months younger than you, his immaturity really rubbed you the wrong way and you had trouble spending time with him without lashing out and calling him out on his immature actions. Turning off your phone, you put it into your pocket and let out a sigh, knowing that the rest of the night would be relatively uneventful. You didn’t have to wait long before you saw Teddy speeding down the road with Anna sitting behind him, her smiling at you as the two of you made eye contact. He parked the bike right next to you on the road and turned off the ignition, Anna climbing off before he did. 

You got up out of your seat and greeted her, “Hey, Anna! How are you?”

She kissed both of your cheeks before pulling back, “I’m good, just finished work. Took a shower and Teddy came to get me from the house.”

Teddy went back into the store and talked with Peter as you sat down with Anna and began to have a conversation. The hours passed and you had moved around, alternating between sitting down outside and going back into the store to talk with whoever was still inside. Eventually, it was around 10pm where a few other friends had come by and sat down, the store basically empty, allowing all of you to sit down with them. Though, Teddy stayed back inside, something you didn’t pay too much attention to as your concentration was brought back into the conversation to make sure you understood everything they said. The talking flowed freely, the group changing from topic to topic whenever one died out. Eventually, Anna spoke up.

“There was this gay guy who came into my store and I was so weirded out,” she visibly shivered in her seat.

You fought back the urge to furrow your eyebrows and look disgusted, masking it with a smile, “Why were you weirded out?”

She looked at you, “The way he walked,” she moved her hand next to her head in a bent position and angled it to look like she was holding a purse with her palm up, “the way he talked,” she raised her voice an octave and made it sound different.

“Do feminine gay guys weird you out?” you asked, unbelieving that she could have said such a thing.

She laughed, “No!”

You sighed in relief.

“All gay people weird me out, they’re disgusting!” she exclaimed.

It took almost everything in you to not cry and reach over to slap her right across the face. You were frozen in your seat, the sounds of everyone laughing around you fading into the distance as you focused all of your willpower to not crack. The faint calling of your name registered in your ears and it took a few seconds for you to be brought back into reality, looking over to the girl that had just spit venom from her mouth.

“Don’t tell me you think they’re normal?” she asked, a confused look on her face.

You were stuck. Not knowing of whether to come out right there and grill her for her disgusting ideology or to stay quiet, not be a victim of their hurtful words.

“I’m ok with them, they can love whoever they wanna love, it’s none of our business,” you shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant while in fact, you were breaking on the inside.

“You’re kidding right? God didn’t create us so that we can go fuck our own gender, all of them are gonna go to Hell,” one of the men spat. 

You stayed quiet, not wanting to add anything more and simply just unable to even form words. They went around, swapping stories of their encounters with the ‘faggots’ and ‘the less than human’, all of them laughing at the snide remarks they added to their stories. All the while you sat there, taking it all without a single response. It felt like an endless barrage, an attack that had no end in sight. Your heart and your brain were at odds, your brain telling you to keep quiet so you won’t be the victim, and your heart telling you to silence them. In the end, your brain won, a stupid sense of wanting to keep your friends taking over your thoughts and feelings. It went on and on for what seemed like forever, their laughs haunting you like a nightmare, for you were sure to have many of them moving forward. Hearing homophobic statements and slurs your entire life, you thought that you had gotten used to it. But being reminded that you would always be seen as less than human, a stain on existence, a waste of space, wasn’t something that was easy to move forward from; especially to hear it from those you thought were your friends. 

Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore and you stood up from your seat, telling everyone that it was late and you had to be home. After wearing a fake smile and saying goodbye to everyone, you left and got into the nearest taxi, choking out your address from your tightened throat. The entire ride home, you didn’t cry, didn’t make any noise. You simply sat there, staring out the front windshield, watching the world pass you by in your seat. You didn’t even pay attention, your eyes still playing the scene from before on repeat. Before you knew it, the taxi had come to a halt, the driver telling you how much you owed. After fishing out enough money from your pocket, you gave it to him and got out of the car, slamming the door a bit too hard. You got out your phone and noticed that you got a text message from your dad.

I’m going to be staying at your uncle’s house tonight, be safe.

You didn’t even bother replying as you yanked out the keys from your pocket and unlocked the door, walking up the stairs to your apartment and going inside. You took off your shoes and walked into the living room, throwing your keys and wallet on the table, getting out your phone and throwing it on the couch, placing yourself onto it as well. You sat there in silence, tears streaming down your face as you stared at the wall, the scene from before still repeating. It was as if the wall was having a projector aimed towards it, a movie of what had happened being played in front of you. 

You were pulled out of your ‘movie’ by the buzzing of your phone next to you, the name of your boyfriend lighting up on your screen. You reached over and looked at the call for a few moments longer, trying to void yourself of emotion before answering.

“Hey,” you greeted.

“Hey yourself, how are you?” your other half responded from the other side of the line.

“I’m alright, how are you?” you forced a smile on your face, trying to make your voice come out chirpy.

“Nothin much, there was no hunt so Sam was in the library all day while I was missing you in my bedroom,” Dean responded, a twinkle in his voice that normally would have made your heart rate increase and a blush to spread across your face. 

Instead, the reminder of your sexual orientation did nothing but make you choke on a sob as you covered your mouth so he wouldn’t hear.

“Y/N? Babe are you ok?” he rushed out, a worried tone coming through clearly, indicating that he in fact did hear you.

You couldn’t even respond, trying to hold in the noises your throat was threatening to release.

“Y/N?! Y/N, what’s going on?” he pressed, a shuffling noise coming through on the phone. 

You knew that if you stayed on the line that he would know you were crying so you hung up, gently placing your phone besides you as your body racked with sobs. Suddenly, a sound of wings flapping entered your ears. As you looked up from the ground, you saw Dean and Cas standing in the middle of the room, Dean instantly rushing up to you as Cas flew away. His arms wrapped around you in lightning speed and the feeling of his warm embrace served to make you sob even harder, your hands flying up and holding onto the lapels of his flannel for dear life. 

“I’m here, everything is alright,” he soothed, gently rubbing your back and holding the back of your head close.

Your entire body was rocking with the force of your sobs, your eyes clenched tightly as your emotions flowed through you, forming into small droplets of liquid and pouring from your eyes. 

After crying out everything that you could, you slowly pulled away from each other and you looked into his eyes to see nothing but concern and love in them.

“What’s going on? Talk to me,” he whispered softly, grabbing your hands with his own and bringing them up to his mouth to lay a gentle kiss.

You smiled through your tears, “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course I would come, my boyfriend isn’t allowed to be sad without me being there to make him happy again,” you knew Dean always struggled with finding the right words to say in moments like these but you severely appreciated hearing them nonetheless. 

You instantly told him about what had happened, pausing at some points to collect yourself and get through the entire story. Throughout your explanation, you could see Dean getting more and more furious, his green eyes hiding a bright red fire behind them. As you came to the end of your story, you wiped a few tears from your eyes and looked to Dean, noticing that he closed his own, perilously trying to keep his anger at bay. 

He opened his eyes after a few moments, “What do you say we put on a movie and I go get some comfort food?”

You expected him to yell out and say he was going to go kill them so you were surprised by the soft tone he spoke with.

“Uh, yeah, yeah that sounds perfect,” you mustered up a smile.

He grinned softly at you, “I’ll be back soon.”

Dean walked out of the room and exited the apartment, praying for Cas to come.

As Cas arrived, “Dean, what is it?”

“I can understand Turkish completely but I can’t speak it fluently, I need you to do some mojo and allow me to,” he requested from the Angel.

He solemnly nodded, already knowing exactly what happened. He walked up and placed two fingers on his forehead, his eyes and fingers flashing a bright light before he pulled away, “I moved the language to the forefront of your thoughts so you should be able to speak it easily now.”

“Thanks, also, I need you to fly me to Y/N’s workplace, I’m sure they’re still there and I need to have a few words with them.”

Cas nodded once again and placed his hand on his shoulder, flying them over in light speed. 

Taking a look around, Dean noticed that they were across the street from the group you were with before, still chatting away in the same position they were in before, “Stay here.”

He didn’t wait for Cas to respond before marching across the street and coming to stand at the front of the table, looking down at everyone sitting there.

“Can we help you?” one of the men asked.

He smiled sarcastically, “Yeah, there’s a few things I need to discuss with you.”

He reached down and grabbed the man, picking him up and slamming him down on the table, so hard in fact, that the table had broken and everyone in their seats rushed to get up and out of the way. They all turned to Dean and while Anna took a few steps back, the rest of the men got ready to start throwing punches. Even though there were still three left, Dean was both confident in his abilities, and confident that he would beat the living hell out of them for what they did to you. The closest one ran up and swung at him, Dean blocking it easily and clocking him across the jaw, the bone breaking underneath his fist. He dropped to the floor instantly and the remaining men froze in fear before snapping back and continuing the fight. They decided that attacking him at once would increase their chances at success, and while that would normally work, Dean wasn’t some novice fighter. He expertly blocked all of their attacks and purposefully hit them in places that wouldn’t knock them out, wanting them to physically feel the pain that you emotionally felt. After getting bored, he blocked their coordinated punch and grabbed their heads, slamming them together and instantly putting them to sleep.

Turning to his right, he noticed Anna immobile, stuck in place with her terrified gaze fixated on Dean’s angry one. He slowly stalked up to her before deciding against doing anything physical, still having a sense of what was right and wrong before slowly returning his arm at his side.

“The things you said to Y/N was fucking disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself,” his perfect accent and word choice struck him by surprise but he continued. “How dare you hate someone for their preference in love? They love the same goddamn way you love, live the same way you live,” he curled his nose in disgust. “They have the right to do whatever the fuck they want, just like you do. And for them going to Hell? I’ve been there sweetheart,” he sneered, “I already know you have a place down there just waiting for you.” 

Her scared expression was getting worse and worse from every word he spoke and he was reveling in it. He had gone there for you but also for himself, he was attracted to his own gender as well and hearing what they said angered him. He decided that enough was enough and walked back across the street to Cas, asking him to take him to a restaurant that had your favorite food. After picking it up, he asked Cas for one last favor of the night, to fly him to where you were. 

Once Cas had ‘dropped him off’, he went inside with the key he had snagged before leaving and went up to your apartment, opening the door and walking in to see you with a movie ready to play.

“Hey, you took a bit and I was getting worried,” you got up from your seat and went to hug him, pulling away for him to pull you into a deep kiss. 

Not seeing him for a while was really starting to affect you, and with the day that you had, that kiss was more than enough to help you get through it. You both pulled away with smiles on your faces, your hand intertwining with his, no marks of a fight on them thanks to Cas.

You sat down with him and ate, watching the movie together and sharing a few kisses here and there. You had never expected what had happened earlier that day, but thanks to Dean, you knew you were going to be alright. 

Forevers Tag List: @magssteenkamp​ @shadowsinger11​ @donnaintx​ @flamencodiva​ @impala-1979​ @talesmaniac89​ @winchest09​ @malfoysqueen14​ @deanwanddamons​ @waywardbeanie​ @anathewierdo​ @janicho88​ @katehuntington​ @whatareyousearchingfordean​

Male Reader Tag List: @beka-dreamer​ @brymalibu​ @myybebe @kingreidx​ @spnfanboy777​

#dw #dean #dean fanfiction #dean imagine #dean x reader #dean x male reader #dean winchester #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester imagine #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #one shot #supernatural x reader #supernatural x male reader #male reader #reader insert #male reader insert #homophobic slurs #homophobic encounter #lgbtq

[the-hopeless-haze]

Somebody Hurt Me Too Deep (Being Alive Ch 14)

Previous Chapter

A/N: I AM BACK omg ok like I’ve been through it in the last month..... yeah. This was of course based on “Being Alive” but also “champagne problems”... thank Taylor Swift for any emotional distress I cause :)

CW: talks of mental illness, brief mentions of past trauma and car accidents

Taglist (thank u all for reading ily): @caked-crusader @thatesqcrush @law-nerd105 @blackeyedangel9805 @moon-river-drifter @the-baby-bookworm @dianilaws @xecq @lv7867 @arabellathorne  @teddybluesclues​ @averyhotchner​ @houseofthirst​

“Carino? I’m home,” Rafael says as he steps through the apartment door, placing his briefcase down on the recliner. It was only 3pm, early for him to be finished with work for the day, but he had been getting out earlier recently to accompany you to physical therapy appointments. You were doing well, at least physically. It had been a long six weeks, but today might be the appointment that cleared you to go back to work full-time and maybe get out from behind the desk a little.

Mentally, though, it was a mixed bag. Some days were easier than others, and that was to be expected, but it was hard to tell the squad you were doing better when you couldn’t even bring yourself to text them back. Still, he pleaded otherwise, said every day was a new day and carried on even if they didn’t believe him.

Today, though, today was the turning point, he could feel it. You were doing so well, and eventually, your brain would have to catch up with your body. So tonight, he booked a reservation at a restaurant… not any restaurant, but the Cuban restaurant he took you to the night you asked him out and he barely used your first name and he swore he hated you with nearly every fiber of his being.

Right. As if he hated you even then.

You’re in a good mood, albeit not as elated as he hoped, but the physical therapist approves you for work but to “take it easy” and you’re laughing at his wry remarks and squeezing his hand in the back of the taxi on the way to the restaurant. His nerves almost dissipate, but they don’t. And maybe that should’ve been his first sign that tonight was not going to go as planned.

Rafael was never a superstitious man, but you order the same dish you ordered the first time he took you out, and he can’t help but think this is a sign to push forward.

“Oh, fuck it,” Rafael murmurs, a surge of anxiety overcoming him. “I was going to wait until after dinner… but…. I have something I want to ask you.”

And just like that, your face falls, but Rafael can barely take that in, he just keeps talking, his mouth moving faster than the neurons in his brain that tell him to stop, now isn’t a good time.

“I love you so much, (y/n), and I know these past few months have been so hard, and this isn’t the way either of us have wanted this year to start, but… we got through it together. I never thought I’d be in a position in my life, with someone who I love… that I’d be willing to do this, but… (Y/n)... will you marry me?”

You don’t say anything for a few seconds, but it feels like hours, days, months. “Can you get up off the floor, Rafael? You’re embarrassing us,” you finally say hollowly, and it’s true, the whole restaurant is stopped in their tracks staring at the two of you. Rafael couldn’t possibly care less, though, he couldn’t comprehend anything that was going on - he was just thinking “well, she hasn’t said no…” and then you’re getting up, throwing your napkin on the table, shaking your head, saying “I can’t do this.”

Rafael gains some of his senses back, enough to follow you outside into the tempering late February air. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, Rafael, I don't,” you say stiffly without turning around to face him. “I’ll get my stuff in the morning. I need to be alone right now.”

“I just… I didn’t know you weren’t happy,” Rafael says, his voice breaking, and that gives you enough impetus to turn around.

“You didn’t know I wasn’t happy? Goddamn, Rafael, do you even live with me? I’ve been unhappy for months.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you know?”

“Jesus, (y/n), maybe because I’m not a fucking mind reader?”

“Right. You honestly thought we were in a good enough place to propose tonight?”

“Obviously! Or I wouldn’t have done it!” he snaps. “You honestly think we’re in a bad enough place that you couldn’t say yes?”

“Obviously! Or I would have done it!” you throw his words back at him, and god do they sting.

“You never told me anything. You just withdrew.”

“Yeah. Maybe that should’ve been a sign. Look. I’m moving back home. I was going to tell you tonight.”

“What? Is that all it was? (Y/n), if you want to move back, I could work something out--”

“No. No, you can’t, Rafael. You’ve never been able to work anything out in your life because you’re too scared to! You just operate on fear - and this is no exception. You thought I was going to die six weeks ago and that’s the only reason you’ve been acting this way, and I’ve been slipping away recently and you’ve just been trying to consistently deny it so you just get on one knee and think that’s going to solve everything, think that’s going to make me stay. That’s not how it works! I’m not happy. I need to go home.”

“Oh no. You know what it is? You’re afraid. Don’t try to put this on me. You’re the one who’s walking away. You’re the one who’s running back home.”

“Fuck you, Rafael. Your family is all here. Mine isn’t. My brother’s getting a job for the first time, my mom just got on disability, I miss my dad… I’ve spent too long here. I’ve spent too long with you.”

“What happened? What the fuck happened?”

“What the fuck happened every other time, Rafael? You’ve gone through this plenty of times before.”

Rafael scoffs, shakes his head, leans against the outside of the restaurant. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I’m fucking sick, Rafael!” you’re screaming now, your cheeks turning red, your eyes leaking angry tears. “All this time, since the accident, I’ve been fucking drowning and you didn’t even notice!”

“Sick?”

“Depressed, Rafael. Anxious. Liv wanted me screened before I came back and the therapist said so. AGain. For the fucking umpteenth time in my life. But this time, I thought I had someone who cared--”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know if you didn’t tell me?”

“Couldn’t you see?”

Rafael shakes his head slowly, but now it comes back to him, all these subtle signs, the days you wouldn’t make it out of bed until 3 pm, all the days and nights you spent staring listlessly at the walls, the inability of anything he said or did to make you feel better. But it came and went, and Rafael just took it as you being upset sometimes at the limitations placed on you by your injured leg. Never did he think there was something more serious going on. Or maybe he just didn’t want to think that, and he ignored every signal.

“I’m sorry, (y/n),” he whispers, but he knows that’s too little, too late. Both of you were at fault - that was clear to him now - but was it clear to you? “I really didn’t know.”

“Evidently,” you mutter, crossing your arms over your chest.

“But you can get help. We can work this out.”

“I just… Rafael. I’m not ready. You of all people should have some sympathy for that.”

Ouch. You were going for the jugular now, hurting him where only you could, rejecting his proposal, leaving him crestfallen on one knee in the middle of a restaurant, but somehow your words hurt worse. Anyone could reject a proposal. Only you could psychoanalyze him and hurl the worst remarks his way, things no one else would be able to come up with.

“Then okay,” he sighs. “We won’t get married yet, or ever, if that’s what you want. But you really want to throw this away entirely?”

“I don’t know, Rafael. I don’t. Look, I’m sorry too. I just… I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Do you think… do you think maybe--”

“I don’t know,” you say firmly. “I don’t even know if I really want to go back home. I just know I don’t want to live like this anymore, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“But it isn’t going to drop. I just fucking proposed. I’m in this for the long haul. And fuck it, if you want to go back home, I’ll work it out.”

“This fake optimism isn’t you.”

“This lack of optimism entirely isn’t you! What happened to the woman who got through some of the worst shit imaginable and landed on her own two feet? You got into a car accident, (y/n). You lived! You should be thankful, not sitting here sulking like your world’s gone to shit.” Again, his mouth moves too fast to register the look on your face as it falls, and tears start to stream down your face. He can’t stop but push it further, hurt you in retaliation.

“Seriously, Rafael, how insensitive can you be? I tell you I’m struggling and you invalidate my feelings? Fuck off.”

“I didn’t mean--”

“Why’d you say it then? You know what, I’m done. Goodbye, Rafael.”

“But--”

“No. Give me space. You owe me that.”

He does. And god, it hurts to watch you walk away, his abuelita’s ring burning a hole in his pocket when it should be on your finger. But maybe.... maybe this isn't the end. Maybe all you need is space.

Maybe Rafael's wishing on a pipe dream. He doesn't know anymore. All he knows is the sting of this pain.

-----

You walk alone in the dark, your leg still aching slightly, and you just feel like utter shit. You can’t remember ever feeling quite this low, but you can’t remember feeling rage like this, either. No one’s hurt you like Rafael.

But that’s because you loved him enough to let him.

You still love him even now, but spending day in and day out with him coddling you, you couldn’t handle it. And maybe you should’ve acted like an adult and told him and stopped pretending everything was fine when you knew it wasn’t. If only you weren’t so fucked in the head, right? Just how it always went, your life, cycles of feeling fine and cycles of feeling like you’re scraping at the bottom of a barrel for a will to go on. And yeah, sometimes even you would question why you were taking this so hard - so what, it’s a car accident, you were lucky to have lived - but Rafael didn’t understand and you didn’t know how to make him. How were you going to get in a passengers seat again without having a panic attack? Would your leg ever fully heal? You’d wasted six weeks staring at the walls of Rafael’s apartment, doing menial paperwork for Olivia that anyone could have done. How could you not feel entirely worthless? And then for Rafael to make it seem like you were overexaggerating like you should just get over this… you hated him.

But you didn’t, really. You know deep down he’s just angry the night didn’t go the way he wanted it to, with you promising to be his for the rest of your life. Still, rage is a truth serum of sorts, like cheap wine, and it makes you wonder how deep that resentment runs. How could he not notice you were upset, though? That’s a hell of a blind eye to turn.

At least back home you had Ben if nothing else.

But here, you had everything else. The squad, your career, Rafael… You couldn’t even begin to think about marriage right now - Lord knows Rafael isn’t ready either - but did you really want to throw in the towel? How do couples move past a rejected proposal, though? Hadn’t you hurt him deeper than anyone else could have? And would he ever figure out how to propose again?

Maybe to someone else, you think, someone who didn’t have all these fucking issues.

Before you know it, you have a cigarette in your mouth and a lighter in hand and you’re leaning against the side of a convenience store, watching girls walk by in stilettos hanging on to their men or giggling with their group of friends, the taxis blurring past. Then you realize you broke the first promise you made to Rafael: you bought cigarettes in New York.

Had he really wanted to collect on that promise? It wasn’t like you were addicted, it was just a stupid habit you started in high school to take the edge off, but you supposed some people had the inclination to start and never stop, but you always could when you wanted to.

Your vice wasn’t cigarettes, no, it was love. You gave all you could to whoever would take it because you were so used to people wanting nothing to do with you since you isolated yourself due to your past trauma. Once you got to college, you refused to hide in the background, and you took chances you weren’t used to taking and loved in color, you loved until it made you blue when the boys would cheat or your so-called friends would find different cliques.

You were still like that, albeit in so much a desperate way, and you had been loved in return, now, not just by Rafael but by the squad too - even if you had your squabbles. You loved them to death and back.

But friends were easier to keep than lovers.

Maybe it is scary to think Rafael was going to be the end. That he’d be the last man you ever kissed in love or passion. That you’d be the last woman standing in his long list of ex-lovers - the only one who didn’t get crossed off.

How do you love someone that much? You always said you wanted that, but the thought always terrified you anyway, and maybe it’s why you did push people away when they felt too close because you felt like you didn’t deserve it, like you were still atoning for some sin you didn’t remember committing but you still feel guilty for all the same. You wonder if Rafael feels just as guilty.

You inhale the smoke, feeling the familiar, carcinogenic burn in your throat, causing yourself pain to cause Rafael pain only to cause you pain in return; an endless cycle of hurt.

With ambivalence, you put your cigarette out and hail a cab, and tell him to drive you to your apartment which you haven’t seen in weeks. There’s dust on every surface, it’s freezing as hell, and you don’t know how you’re going to sleep tonight, alone, so you light up another cigarette, sitting solitary with your nerves running haywire underneath your skin. What the hell were you going to do now?

#rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba

[aleksadnezz]

Sweet Night 2

Jae x Reader

 It is Saturday and I don't have errands today but I don't want to waste this day by just laying on my bed and watch sum tv shows because that's what I always do (after my shift or when I don't have work). I decided to take a shower and wear a white shirt, jeans and one out of my three pair of shoes cuz I’m broke af. I put sum random stuff into my tote bag just in case cuz I still have no idea where I wanted to go. I head out my room and locked it. I glance over to the room across mine, I wonder when he will return my charger.. I’m just kidding. I wonder if he’s alright, I mean if he seems okay living alone and streaming all day? or all night not leaving his apartment. I’m just a concern co-tenant that’s all.

 I walked and walked and walked until I reached to the bus station. I didn’t wait that long for the bus to arrive, I hopped in thankfully there’s not much people at this hour. It’s only 10AM and I still have lots of time to waste. Since this bus is heading to the center of the city, where most people go cuz there are a lot of shopping malls and attractions I’ll stay there and let where it will lead me.

 When we reached the bus station, I immediately got off the bus and casually walked on the street. There are lots of stores in the area that I’m in, there are sum bookstores, clothing stores and cafés. I don’t usually go outside like this but when I do, I only go to market to buy groceries so it feels new to me to go out alone in a different place. What I like about living here is that people don’t actually care about others, it doesn’t matter to them whatever you do in public as long as it’s not harmful.

 I entered to sum clothing stores just to checked their prices and left right away. Damn. Why does clothes have to be that expensive, I can already buy five thrift items for that price. I went to a bookstore and bought one book. It’s a self-help book, though I don’t actually read but I want to give it a shot, this might be a new hobby for me so. I also went to Daiso which I think is now my favorite place, they sell random stuff and cute stuff which I ended up buying more than 5 items.

 Going to stores surprisingly took me 3 hours it’s already lunch time so I went to a café that also sells meals. The ambiance of the place is so calm and expensive, and there’s not much people inside which what I like. I ordered iced matcha and sum carbonara. After I eat, I headed back home cuz I might end up spending all my recent salary in just one day cuz that’s possible to happen. Knowing myself I’m a big spender but try to manage that since I’m now earning and paying my own bills.

 On the way home I didn’t saw the strange old man, thankfully. I’m tired and can’t deal with him right now. I put down all my bags on the floor, got change and lay on my bed. I was busy scrolling through my phone when I heard a knocked on my door so I stood up and walked over my door. My eyes grew bigger when I saw who knocked. It was my neighbor, Jae. He’s wearing sum navy long sleeve button down polo and jeans, way different from what he always wears except only his slides.

 “Hi Jae.” I greeted.

 “Hello y/n. Do you have time?”

 “Yeah why?”

 “Um I know we don’t know each other that much but can you help me?”

 “Well, I guess what is it?” I honestly don’t have an idea what help he is asking. I don’t know he might ask me to help him move furnitures or carry huge boxes or even buy him food outside the building or sumthin.

 “I’m sorry if it’s so sudden, you’re the only person that can help me about this, can you do makeup on me?” Eh? that’s all? I really though he’ll make me carry boxes. When I looked at him, he’s scratching his forehead. I think he’s embarrassed. So cut-I don’t to make things complicated for him so I I’ll put my curiosity behind.

 “Yeah, of course.”

 “I already bought makeup earlier so you don’t have to worry.” I nodded and bite my lip. So, I have to go to his place? Omg

 “Uhh so where do you want us to do it?” Woah that sounds so wrong. I immediately covered my mouth that made him laugh. “I-I mean am I going to your place or?” I nervously laughed. Damn. What the fuck.

 “Anywhere you’re comfortable.”

 “Okay so.. my place?” I asked him and he nodded.

 “I’ll just get the stuff” he said and entered his apartment.

 I scanned my room making sure that my place is clean. All my dirty clothes are on my basket. I have no dishes in the kitchen. My bed is a mess so I quickly smoothen the crease I made on my bed earlier. I sat on my chair and suddenly felt my heart beats fast. I just realized that it is my first time inviting a guy that I barely know, in my apartment. Not that I trust easily, it just my gut feeling telling me that he’s a nice person.

 I heard a knocked so I stood up and opened the door.

 “Hello again” He smiled and extend his hand carrying a paper bag. I took it and oh boy it’s heavy.

“Have a seat.” I offered him to seat on my small dining table cuz I don’t have a couch in my apartment. I sat on the other chair across to him. I took out all the makeup inside the bag and lay it on the table. I think he bought every item that’s in the store, there are more than 10 products inside the bag.

 “Okay..” I looked at him and he fixed his posture and looked straight at my face. Woah. I never felt more shy in my life.

 “I already have moisturizer on.” He spoke. How come he can read my mind? Besides from being a streamer is he a mind reader too?

 “Do you think that’s enough cuz I don’t know what I bought.” He pointed the bag.

 “it’s.. a lot.”

 “I asked for assistance and the lady there suggested those.” I laughed. Poor boy.

 “I think she tricked you from buying everything.”  

 “Happy to help.” He said.

“Great. Okay I’ll put foundation on your face first.” I opened the bottle and put sum at the back of my hand. When I said that he bought every single item in the store, I mean it. He even has the complete set of brushes.

 I can see that he’s still staring at my face while I put foundation on his face. He’s prolly counting my acne and dark spots. I’m too shy to tell him not to look directly at me so I just asked him to unbox the products.

 “Can I ask?” I spoke.

 “Sure.” He answered while he’s busy unboxing each item.

 “Why am I the person you reached out for this?” I raised the foundation and brush, referring to the makeup.

 “Most of my friends are men I bet they don’t know anything about this and I think you’re the only woman that can help me plus you lived across  so..” I laughed when he said the last part.

 “What is this for? If you don’t mind me asking” There, I said it. I’m just curious why he wants me to his makeup at 3pm. Not sus at all.

 “A-ahh I have an event.. yeah an event I need to attend to”

 “Hmm. Is it like the streamercon thing?”

 “Y-yeah something like that.”

 “By the way what time is the event?”

 “Probably at 6 but I have to leave at 5.”

 “Alright I’ll just make it natural.” He nodded and stared at me again.

 “Do you play games?” He suddenly asked.

 “No and I will never.” He laughed.

 “Why?”

 “I don’t know, I just don’t like playing and It looks complicated”

 “Maybe at first but once you started playing, you’ll get used to it.”

 “Still not convince.”

 “How about hobbies? What do you do?” I stop what I’m doing and looked up as if that I’m thinking. He looked at me intently, waiting for me to answer.

 “Nothing.” I said and continue doing his face.

 “What? Really?” He said surprisingly.

 “Yeah, I don’t really have a hobby.”

 “How about that painting?” He pointed something on my back so I looked back to see. It was my painting on top of my drawer, I hid it behind my picture frame cuz I have a nowhere to hide it.

 “That was years ago. I don’t paint anymore.” No story behind it. I just stop doing it. Besides I got busy from working.

 “Why though? That honestly looks really cool.”

 “Really?”  He nodded. “Thank you.”

 “Alright.. down to the last part.” I finished doing his face and I didn’t put a lot of makeup since he already has great skin. I just put concealer under his eyes and brought colors back to his face. I grabbed the peach lipstick and twisted it open. Still laughing in my mind cuz the sale’s lady prolly made him buy 4 lipsticks.

 Now it’s my turn to look at him. I’ve been avoiding his gaze while we’re talking, trying to focus on what I’m doing. I don’t want to make it awkward for the both of us so I’ll just make it fast.

 “Just stay still okay.” He nodded while looking anywhere but me.

 I don’t know where to put my other hand so I let it rest on my lap while the other one is holding the lipstick. I raised my hand and before the tip of the lipstick even touch his lips, he grabs my wrist.

 “Why?”

 “Nervous.” He said, still not looking at me. I’ve seen guys afraid of having lipstick on them which I don’t understand why but I don’t question it either.

 “Is that necessary?” He added.

 “Not really but for you, yes. You’re quite pale, I don’t want you to look dead.” He slightly laughed and softly released my wrist from his hand.

 “Am I that pale?” I nodded.

 “Alright then.”

 “Do you want to?” Asking him is he wanted to put it on himself.

 “No, it’s my first time I might mess it up. I’ll just let you do it.” Woah.  I feel honored.

 “Okay hold still.” I leaned my hand on his face but I can see him leaning backwards.

 “Don’t lean!” He laughed.

 “Alright.. sorry.”

 I hold his shoulder using my other hand and raised the other to glide the tip of the lipstick on his soft lookin lips. I saw him shut his eyes and I find myself smiling cuz I think he looks like a cute little kid. I didn’t realize that the application was taking too long until he slowly opened his eyes. My smile slowly fades while my hands still attached to him, creating connection between us. Our eyes locked into each other for a solid 4 seconds until his eyes slowly landed on my lips-sxsnpRYrccxSWwhhelp

 “W-woah.. m-my makeup is a masterpiece.” I said and quickly moves away. I grab a palette with a compact mirror and hand it to him. He took it and scanned his face. I can feel my cheeks heating up.

 “Masterpiece…” He said and turned to me smiling.

 “Thank you so much y/n for helping me. I owe you.” Thankfully I’m not that dumb enough so I heard it right.

 “No worries Jae. Happy to help.” I said mocking him about the sale’s lady situation. He laughed.

 “No really. I can’t thank you enough.” His phone rings, he looked on it and put it in his pocket. “Also.. can you please keep the bag for me?” I nodded.  We stood up and walked over the door.

 “Sure.”

 “Thank you again y/n I’ll see you… sometime. I’ll definitely make it up to you.”

“Don’t bother. It’s alright.”

 “I insist.” He looked at me intently. It’s like there’s sum energy from his eyes or maybe it just him that made me agree to everything that he says. I think I need to go to hospital. There’s something wrong about here or there’s something wrong about me…

 “Alright. Alright.” I slightly raised both my hands, showing him that I surrender.

 “Good. See you then. Bye y/n” He smiled. What the fuck

 “Bye Jae.” I smiled back. I waited him to leave before I hardly shut my door. I leaned on the back of my door, thinking about what just happened today. There’s nothing wrong about me. It’s him. He’s the problem. The way he looked at me. The way he smiles. The way he laughs. Gosh.

 I’ve seen this in films before and I’m now living on it.

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#Day6 #Day6 Jae #Jae Park #EajPark #Day6 x reader #Day6 x Reader Fluff #Day6 Fluff #Jae x reader #Sweet Night #FanFiction

[grvntld]

i feel so accomplished at this moment. i am about to take a nap, but i just wanna talk about how busy today has been for me. i know i hv shared here before how friday is rlly a busy day for me and i thought it couldn't get any busier, but, boy, was i wrong.

i had an unplanned trip to the bank with my cousin earlier today, because of the car incident thingy that happened and guess what — all the bank told us was basically, there is no other way for us to get what we need other than reaching that specific department through phone. all we want is to check and validate that my tita's payments are a-okay, but they told us they couldn't do that, so we had to like wait on our phone until someone picks it up. no shit, we are really pissed, because we have been trying to reach out to them for almost a week now, but all we are getting are a bunch of transfers and their waiting-for-the-operator tune for hours. their customer service sucks big fucking time, to say the least.

anyway, since that took a chunk of my morning time which i was planning to use for work, i started late on my tasks today. however, i was able to power through and finish everything some time around 3pm, except for the 7pm ig story that i hv to post later. i wish there's an app already to schedule stories on. all im seeing are still for push notifications only. but then again, im really proud that i was able to finish my tasks extra early today, considering one of my bosses uploaded new photos again for captioning which is fine with me too, but still when i was outside and i was counting how much time i was spending in the bank rather than using it to work, it was undeniably a tad bit of a stressor since my mind just won't shut up about it.

okay, enough with the blah. i rewarded myself with kfc and a spoon of peanut butter after all that pazzazz and now im gonna take a well-deserved nap. see you guys later! i plan to fix my stuff when i wake up. we'll see if i still feel like it later. 💋🌻

#donut #i didnt re-read this so wtr bye mwaps #wtvr*

[artificialqueens]

You Know You Love Me, Chapter 8 (Branjie) - Kiki

A/N: Not it being almost a month since I updated this lmao. Honestly, is anyone being productive right now? (Pls say no to make me feel better lol) I hope everyone is doing good and I hope you enjoy this chapter, just 3 more left until it’s finally finished!

Saturday was Brooke’s favourite day of the week.

She got to wake up whenever she wanted, she didn’t find herself rushing to make it to school on time and she could fill her day with all of the things that made her happy.

She woke up in a good mood since there was no alarm clock blaring at her in the early hours of the morning and she felt at ease. She knew that today was going to be a good day for three reasons; she was able to spend the rest of the morning and afternoon completely relaxing and doing absolutely nothing, there was a big Halloween party happening that night so she would be able to dance and drink and have fun with her friends and, the biggest reason; she got to see Vanessa.

Brooke put her furry slippers on and slowly walked down the stairs of her penthouse apartment and found herself immediately walking over to the coffee machine. Her body was on autopilot as she prepared her first coffee of the day and made a quick breakfast of fruit, yoghurt and granola.

As she walked to the living room with her breakfast, she turned on the TV and sat down on the soft leather couch and wondered exactly what she was going to do today. It was already 12pm (she had definitely slept in for longer than she intended to) and she had to be at Vanessa’s at 3pm to have lunch with the girls and start getting ready for the party. Vanessa wanted Brooke to help her curl her hair and Brooke wanted Akeria’s help with her eye makeup so they all figured it would just be easier to get ready and travel to the party together.

She decided to have Gilmore Girls on in the background (this was probably her fifth time re-watching it) while she scrolled through her phone. After spending a couple of minutes on Twitter and Facebook, she got bored of looking at other people’s social media feeds and was about to put her phone away until she saw it: a Gossip Girl blast entitled “Vanessa Mateo Gets Her Revenge”.

She immediately clicked on the link and saw that the post went up last weekend. She couldn’t believe she missed it for so long, usually she clicked on anything that Gossip Girl put up about her friends straight away, especially since the post that she had put up about Brooke and Vanessa.

Brooke was extremely confused while she read the post. There were pictures of Kameron being escorted away by her parents and…security guards? Brooke had to squint her eyes to focus on the three people in the background and her heart sank when she realised that, yes, it was in fact Vanessa, Akeria and Silky in the background with massive grins on their faces while Kameron was being dragged away.

Brooke scrolled down some more and saw that Gossip Girl had revealed exactly where Kameron’s parents were shipping her off to and Brooke Lynn couldn’t help but feel bad for her old friend. She knew how it felt when your own parents made plans to get rid of you and she couldn’t imagine how angry she would’ve felt if she knew that someone her own age had influenced her parents to make that decision.

Granted, Kameron did deserve some revenge after what she put Vanessa through. But being shipped off to reform school and probably never being able to earn back her parents trust? Brooke thought that was a step too far. Brooke wanted to call Vanessa about what happened but she knew that now probably wasn’t the best time, it would just end in a massive argument where they were both screaming down the phone at each other down. She thought about it some more and came to the conclusion that Akeria would leave out all the important details and would make it seem like it wasn’t that big a deal so that Brooke wouldn’t be angry at Vanessa. Silky was the only one who would want to tell Brooke everything purely because she loved to talk shit about anyone when she had the opportunity to do so.

Brooke grabbed her phone and called Silky, who picked up immediately. Straight away, Brooke demanded to be told exactly what had went down last weekend and Silky was more than happy to fill Brooke in.

“Ooh, Miss Brooke Lynn, I wish you could’ve been there to see the look on Kameron’s face. It was hilarious! And Vanessa was throwing shade and we were all laughing, it was a real good time. Shame the girl had to be literally shipped off for it to happen, but she got what she deserved.” Silky said smugly. Brooke could tell that Silky really didn’t care what happened to Kameron and only added in that last part to sound like a good person but Brooke didn’t have enough time or energy to focus on that bit right now.

She spent the next fifteen minutes drilling Silky with questions. She heard all about how they tried to get Vanessa to plan her revenge but Vanessa had been reluctant at first, how she had finally given in and they had spent hours combing through her social media and how Vanessa had text Kameron off of her phone.

Brooke couldn’t help but feel a bit used. She thought that Vanessa coming over with coffee for her and her mom was a really sweet and genuine gesture but now finding out that it had only been a distraction in one of her crazy revenge plans? Brooke was hurt.

“Brooke? You there?” Silky asked and Brooke realised that she must have zoned out towards the end of the story but she knew most of that from the Gossip Girl blast anyways.

“Yeah, Silk…sorry but I gotta go. See you later.” She promptly hung up and threw her phone to the other side of the couch, wondering what to do next.

—

On the drive over to Vanessa’s apartment, Brooke’s anger grew and grew. She had left her house with good intentions: she was going to go over there and have a civil and mature conversation with Vanessa about what she did and how wrong it was. But the closer the cab got to Vanessa’s street, the more upset Brooke felt. She knew that this probably wouldn’t end well and that they had a party to go to later and would have to at least pretend that they were getting along so that Gossip Girl didn’t write yet another story about them, but right now she didn’t care about any of that. Right now, all she wanted to do was scream.

As soon as the doorman let her in, she walked with a speed she didn’t know she had and found Dorota dusting the dining room table.

“Where is she?” Brooke asked angrily which startled Dorota. She pointed at the staircase with her duster and Brooke ran up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. She swung the door to Vanessa’s bedroom open and found the brunette laying on her bed in her pyjamas, painting her nails.

“Brookie! Hi!” Vanessa said while jumping up excitedly and running over to give Brooke a hug. Before she could reach her, Brooke’s pushed her back to stop her from getting any closer and Vanessa realised she wasn’t okay. She looked extremely pissed off, anyone with eyes could see that. But there was something else that only Vanessa could recognise because of how well they knew each other. Her green eyes were full of emotion and Vanessa frowned when she realised: Brooke was sad. Not just sad, extremely upset. “B…what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Hmm, I dunno. Maybe the fact that you schemed and planned a freaking revenge attack on Kameron and got her shipped away to a reform school and didn’t tell me about it?” Brooke yelled as she talked and Vanessa was a bit taken aback. Sure, she knew Brooke was gonna be pissed off when she found out what Vanessa had done but she didn’t think she would care this much. Vanessa had to take a moment to recover and plan her next move because she really didn’t know how to reply to Brooke.

“Brooke…are you really that mad about it?” Vanessa asked quietly, wishing that Brooke was just pranking her and she didn’t actually care as much as it looked like she did.

“Are you seriously asking me if I’m mad that you got a girl shipped off to reform school, lied to me about it, told our other friends not to tell me about it, came over to my house to distract me while you stole my phone so you could pull a stupid scheme? Of course I’m mad, Vanessa! How could I not be?” Brooke’s voice was only getting louder and louder as she spoke and Vanessa knew she had fucked up big time.

“I’m sorry…look, B, I know you hate it when I do stuff like this but I can’t just let her get away with doing what she did to me. That’s not how I am. If she can try and ruin my life then why can’t I try and ruin hers?” Vanessa knew she sounded like a child who was getting scolded by her mother but she couldn’t stop herself from saying what she felt.

“Because your life wasn’t ruined, Vanessa, everything ended up fine.”

“No it didn’t! I was upset for so long after what happened and you know that!” Vanessa argued back, her anger levels now rising to match Brooke’s.

“You ended up with family and friends who supported you and no one dared to say a bad thing to you about it. She’s now being shipped off and probably hated by her parents because of this. You always act before you think, it’s like you think there aren’t any consequences to your actions!” Vanessa had to take a step back and try control her emotions after hearing what Brooke said. She didn’t know what she was feeling more; sadness or anger. Was Brooke Lynn really defending Kameron? After everything they had been through? “I just can’t believe you used me like that, Vanessa. I’m used to you tricking other people like that but not me.”

“I’m sorry, B…” Vanessa was willing to forget about Brooke Lynn defending Kameron considering how sad she looked at that moment. She couldn’t focus on being angry when Brooke looked like she was about to cry.

“That’s the thing, though. You’re not sorry. If you were sorry, you’d apologise to Kameron too. Her life is probably ruined now after this. Not to mention the fact that her family life is probably broken now too. You’re really not getting how bad this is, are you?” It was as if Brooke’s entire personality had changed. Two seconds ago she was holding back tears and now she was screaming at the top of her lungs. She knew deep down that she was more upset at how Vanessa had used her as a pawn in her scheme but she was playing it off as anger.

Vanessa’s personality had changed very quickly too. Just a moment ago, she had been willing to get on her knees and beg for Brooke’s forgiveness. She would’ve done anything to make her feel better. But defending Kameron twice? She couldn’t accept that. She was instantly filled with jealousy and although she absolutely hated it and even the thought of acknowledging that jealousy made her feel like shit, she knew she couldn’t ignore it.

“Why are you defending her so much?” Vanessa asked quietly. Brooke looked up and could see by Vanessa’s facial expression that she was pissed.

“What do you mean?” Brooke asked, not wanting to speak before she understood what Vanessa meant.

“I can understand you being mad that I lied to you. That I took your phone and used it behind your back as part of a scheme. I completely get that. But why are you defending her? Why do you keep emphasising how bad it is for her?” Brooke could see where Vanessa was coming from but she knew she was being irrational. This was supposed to be about Brooke being mad. Vanessa didn’t get to be mad too. That wasn’t fair. “Did you go yell at her after what she did to me? I’m pretty sure you didn’t. So why the hell are you so angry about what I did to her? Was she your little side chick or something? Are you mad I got your side bitch locked away?” Vanessa was fuming at this point and Brooke knew that this was going to end in a disastrous way.

“You cannot be serious right now Vanessa.” Brooke said sternly. “You seriously cannot be accusing me of sleeping with Kameron after I told you about what happened between me and her in the past.”

“Then why are you so pressed about it?” Vanessa asked with her eyebrows raised and a hand on her hip.

“Because it’s wrong, V! It’s such a shitty thing to do. I can understand Kameron doing shitty things but not you. You’re supposed to be my Vanessa. The one with a heart of gold. This isn’t you.”

“But you’re defending her! You’re on her side!” Vanessa yelled, angry tears forming in her eyes as she tried her best not to let them spill.

“No I’m not, V, there aren’t any sides here! I just want you to take some fucking responsibility for what you’ve done!”

“I’m fucking sorry, Brooke! I’m so sorry that I hurt you! But you’re literally picking her over me and I can’t accept that.” Vanessa’s tears slowly rolled down her cheeks and Brooke wanted nothing more than to wipe them away and kiss her better but she held herself back.

“I’m not picking anyone, Vanessa, seriously.” Brooke rolled her eyes at how Vanessa was acting whilst Vanessa’s heart was breaking.

“You seriously wouldn’t pick my side over hers?” Vanessa whispered softly, looking Brooke directly in her eyes.

“I swear to God, Vanessa, for the last time: I’M NOT PICKING ANY SIDES!” Brooke couldn’t contain herself anymore. She felt like a volcano that had been due to erupt for a long time now.

“You’re supposed to pick me. You’re supposed to support me if someone does something bad to me, not defend the other person.” Vanessa was full on sobbing at this point, she couldn’t contain it.

“I can’t support you doing things like that. I just can’t.”

“That’s fine, but why do you have to defend her like that…it’s like you don’t even care how I felt, you just wanna make me feel bad for getting revenge on someone.”

“I do wanna make you feel bad, Vanessa, what you did was awful.” Brooke knew that she was being harsh. She knew that Vanessa was in her feelings right now and that she wouldn’t be okay with the things that Brooke was saying but she had to get them out. She couldn’t control it.

“Can you leave please? I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” Vanessa mumbled as she wiped her eyes. She was so thankful that she skipped her makeup routine that morning otherwise she would’ve had mascara smeared all down her face.

“No, Vanessa, you need to grow up and deal with the consequences of what you’ve done.”

“Brooke, I’m so sorry about what I did to you. I feel so guilty about lying to you like that. But I won’t apologise for what I did to her. I just can’t.”

“I don’t think I can see you the same way as I used to then, V…” Brooke replied and Vanessa was coming to terms that whatever she had with Brooke was probably over by now.

“I knew this was too good to be true…” Vanessa whispered.

“What are you talking about?” Brooke asked out of frustration.

“You and me…we could never be together. It was too good to be true.” Brooke was shocked at Vanessa’s statement. She kind of just assumed they would work through this like they worked through everything else, but it didn’t seem like Vanessa had come to that same conclusion.

“V, stop…don’t say that.”

“No, it’s true. Because I can’t be with someone who defends someone who has wronged me and not only that, tries to act like they’re on some fucking moral high ground when I do something wrong. Newsflash, Brooke, everybody makes mistake. Nobody’s perfect. Are you really gonna act like you haven’t done and said some stupid shit in your life? Because I could probably list twenty things you’ve done if you want me to. But I’m not about to take this kinda scrutiny from you. It’s not okay. I’m not having you fucking roast me this hard every time I fuck up.”

“Well I’m not gonna let you get away with being a manipulative bitch and act like what you do doesn’t affect people.” Vanessa’s face immediately hardened and that was when Brooke knew that they had both taken it too far. To the point of no return. Vanessa took a deep breath in, told her to get the fuck out of her house, and stormed off into her bathroom and locked the door.

Brooke stood there stunned for a minute not knowing what she should do. But as soon as she thought about the things Vanessa had said again, anger was the only thing she could focus on and she stormed out of her bedroom and down the stairs. It was only when she got to the living room that she realised leaving would probably be the worst mistake of her entire life. She quietly walked back up the stairs and opened the door to Vanessa’s room as quietly as she could and what she heard broke her heart. Vanessa was openly sobbing as if someone had died. Brooke felt the anger leave her body all at once, as if it was never there. She walked over to the bathroom and sat on the floor, leaning against the locked door with Vanessa on the other side of it.

“V?” Brooke called out, hoping that Vanessa responded.

“Go away.” Vanessa sounded like she had a cold, her nose was all sniffly and her voice was hoarse from crying.

“Nessa, please…open the door.” Brooke begged, wanting nothing more than to hold the smaller girl in her arms. Vanessa didn’t reply so Brooke came to terms with the fact that she was going to be doing most of the talking for the moment.

“Listen, V…I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to put it into words how sorry I am, I completely overreacted and I shouldn’t have done. I’m so so so sorry Vanessa.” Brooke had a hard time keeping her tears in but she knew that there had to be at least one of them not crying for this conversation to go successfully. All of a sudden, the bathroom door opened and Brooke was met with a puffy eyed Vanessa. She stood up and followed Vanessa over to her bed where they sat down. Vanessa immediately wrapped herself in her pink blanket, gently wiping her eyes with the corner of it.

“You didn’t overreact, B. What I did was dumb and I know that.” Vanessa admitted and Brooke knew that they were on a good path to recovery here, especially if Vanessa was admitting that she was wrong so quickly into the conversation.

“That doesn’t mean I should treat you like I did. I think I was just hurt that you lied to me and instead of dealing with that, I focused on the anger part because it’s easier to deal with.” Brooke smiled weakly and put her hand on Vanessa’s knee, stroking it gently. “I’m so sorry I let it go that far. I think I need to work on controlling my anger a bit.” Vanessa laughed softly at what Brooke had said.

“I’m sorry too, Brooke. I know what I did was wrong. I promise to stop meddling in people’s lives from now on…especially yours. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you what I was doing and that I lied to you. It won’t ever happen again I promise.” Vanessa put her hand on top of Brooke’s hand on her knee and squeezed it gently. “Am I forgiven?” Brooke nodded and climbed up to be beside her on the bed.

“Am I?” Brooke asked as she wrapped her arms around Vanessa from behind and Vanessa nodded slowly, turning her head around slightly so she could see Brooke’s face. Brooke gently grabbed Vanessa’s chin and moved her face up before connecting their lips together and both girls shared a sigh of relief that they were on good terms again. Even though the fight was short, Vanessa was sure it was the worst she had felt in a long time, even worse than when Kameron had outed her.

The two of them knew that they still had a lot of issues to overcome but right now, all they wanted to do was focus on kissing each other…and they did. For about an hour. The only reason they stopped was because Silky and Akeria arrived to get ready for Halloween, otherwise they probably would’ve been there all night.

The girls spent their time doing their makeup and hair and finalising their costumes, listening to music and talking and overall, having a great time. Brooke had missed nights like this when she was in boarding school and spending time with all of her friends made her so grateful to be back. She couldn’t wait for the night ahead.

—

The girls arrived to the club that was hosting their school’s annual Halloween party in the black limo that Brooke had ordered and they were bursting with excitement. They had drunk numerous glasses of champagne on the short drive there and they were ready to have an amazing night.

Brooke had decided to dress up as Marilyn Monroe, her hair curled short to recreate Marilyn’s iconic waves. Vanessa had been speechless when she saw Brooke in the short dress but she had to force herself to refrain from doing anything for the sake of Akeria and Silky. Akeria had dressed up as a cheerleader simply because she was mad that their school didn’t have a cheer team and she thought it was a shame that everybody hadn’t seen her in a cheer outfit. Silky was dressed up as a Roman Goddess (Vanessa had been extremely confused as to how she was going to pull that off but she decided not to question it) and the costume consisted of a white bedsheet that she had wrapped around her body and strategically pinned in place. She was hoping that by the end of the night, the sheet would be gone and she’d be in someone’s bed and had told everyone proudly that the costume was worn for “easy access” only. Vanessa had decided to dress up as a salsa dancer and got her mom to design a super short red sparkly dress for her. It fit her like a glove and she had her hair down curled to perfection (with Brooke’s help) and she felt amazing. Brooke couldn’t stop staring at her ass and her legs because they looked so phenomenal in that outfit.

Brooke and Vanessa walked into the party hand in hand and absolutely everybody had their eyes on them. It was like royalty had just walked in. People parted to make way for them all whilst staring at them intensely.

Brooke gently squeezed Vanessa’s hand in reassurance as the group of four found the booth reserved for them and quickly ordered a round of drinks for their table. Brooke worried that Vanessa would start to feel anxious or upset with everybody’s eyes on the two of them but if she was, she wasn’t showing it. Akeria locked eyes with Vanessa and Vanessa nodded reassuringly, letting the group know that she was okay. They downed a shot of tequila each and quickly hit the dancefloor.

Usually, Vanessa would be all over her friends while dancing at a party like this. She remembered the party that happened the night before Brooke left for boarding school and how they had danced and grinded up on each other pretty much all night, but things were different now. Now, people knew her secret and they were definitely watching her to see what they would do.

Brooke could tell Vanessa was overthinking things as they were dancing. She was trying to appear normal but she was definitely focusing her energy on dancing with Akeria instead of with Brooke.

Vanessa wanted nothing more than to dance with Brooke and be all over her but there was something holding her back from doing it. She felt like a ten-year-old girl who was too afraid to tell her crush that she liked them. It was pathetic. She absolutely hated how she wasn’t feeling like her confident self. On any other day, she would walk through the halls of her high school with the exact same people that were in this club with her right now and not give a crap what they thought about her. She was trying her hardest to bring that confidence back to herself but it just wasn’t working.

She looked over to Brooke who was dancing and joking around with Silky. When Brooke saw Vanessa staring, she gave her a small smile and a discrete wink which made Vanessa smile in return. Brooke was the one who made her feel like she could conquer the world without even saying anything.

She was instantly brought back to what Brooke had said to her that night she had planned to run away: “You’re a Mateo, remember? People don’t tell you who you are, you tell them.”

“Fuck it.” Vanessa thought as she walked over to Brooke, grabbed her face and kissed her slowly. She could almost feel people’s eyes piercing into her (and also could hear Silky screaming loudly with pride) but she decided that she didn’t care. At the end of the day, she was the most popular girl in school for a reason and kissing Brooke wasn’t going to change that. When Vanessa pulled away, she could see Brooke was stunned.

“Wow…um, I wasn’t expecting that.” Brooke said, clearly flustered from the unexpected kiss. Vanessa giggled in response and went back to the other two girls and continued dancing with them. She felt so much better now that she didn’t have to restrain herself. She could confidently dance with Brooke and make everyone jealous that she was able to make out with the hottest girl at the party.

After a while, the DJ announced that he was going to play a song for all the couples and as soon as the slow song started playing, Brooke held out her hand to Vanessa.

“Ness, may I have this dance?” Brooke asked sarcastically and Vanessa accepted immediately (of course). Vanessa, being an absolute hopeless romantic, was dying on the inside. She felt like she was starring in her own romance movie and she loved how it was going. They spent the next few minutes wrapped in each other’s arms, swaying gently to the music.

Both of them were so happy that, even though the day had been eventful to say the least, it had still ended so perfectly.

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #lesbian au #gossip girl au #rich girl au #high school au #you know you love me #kiki #submission

[neptunium134]

Neptunium’s Diary, Feb 4th; EPQs and Deadlines

It’s only the second day and I almost forgot about this ahhhhh-

ANYWAY, if you’ve been on my blog a while, you may remember me talking about something called an EPQ. An EPQ- Extended Project Qualification- is 50% of an A-Level. Basically, it’s an extra grade for some research and an essay (or an ‘artefact’)

During the EPQ you have to complete milestones. I like to think of myself as being an organised person, especially when it comes to schoolwork, but alas, like many students in 2020, I fell short, and I don’t really have a massive excuse. Truth be told, I came out of the first UK lockdown better than I had been in years, so I can’t blame having a mental lapse for my lack of EPQ work, but general laziness. Something I never really had before.

Anyway, one of the milestones we have to complete is called a Project Product Review​. I got a message from my supervisor today, telling me it is due Monday.

Today is Thursday.

I also got the message just after 3pm, when school finishes. So ya know, great timing.

I’m not mad about the PPR, I can do it relatively quickly, I’m mad about the fact all the supervisors knew about this and decided that telling us a few days before it is due was a good idea, not back in January when we started the online schooling again, not even last week. Today, 4 days before it’s due.

So I guess I know what I’m doing in my study hours tomorrow. Y’know, instead of doing my history coursework, or sorting some stuff out for uni, like I had planned. Okay, I could split my time since my brother has a call at 1 that I need so yeet  before it starts, so I could spend that time afterwards to at least start then finish on Monday when I have more time (literally, I have one lesson and it’s a 9 am one. Thank God we had the flexitime timetable when we were onsite. If I had to stay at school the whole day with only one lesson at 9 am I might have punched someone.)

Anyway, that’s it for today guys, sorry it was a little late, Thursday evenings are a little hectic.

Hope you enjoyed and I’ll you guys tomorrow!

Neptunium out.

#Neptunium's Diary #february 4 2021

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 154

August 12

LOL my computer won't show me my pin login screen unless I press the soft boot keys first, that's not a bad sign, is it? 

Anyway, another day of entirely kittens! Three hour feeds means breakfast starts at 6am, bright and early! Second breakfast rolls out around 9, just in time for a nice lunch at noon. Second lunch is at 3pm, followed by early bird dinner at six. Fashionably late dinner (attended by all the same diners, of course) is at 9pm, then we all have a midnight snack that is in fact a full meal. A 3am top-up finishes the day's menu, and everybody gets one more nap before breakfast. Whew! In the middle of this, the weanlings also get fed on their own, slightly less rigid schedule consisting of "We have finished the food, human! What the hell are you playing at?" 

The good news is that eight daily feedings are paying off in terms of baby weight gain. All of the teenies are up by at least 20g over yesterday, which is an excellent daily gain equivalent to the weight of about four US quarters. Given that they were very underweight to start with, rapid gain and good suckling are very encouraging signs. Orphan kittens always have a tough row to hoe and things could go wrong, but it's a great start. They also have names nowI I ran the two sets of names by the coordinator and she okayed the Harper Hall set, woo-hoo! Without further ado (or photo editing to make these pics smaller because I am exhausted), meet the Harpers! 

First off is Menolly, of course. She is white and black with a mostly white body and a white blaze on her face (her first given name for my notebook was "Stripe"). Menolly is the smallest of the kittens by just a few grams and earned her name by being the loudest and most energetic yeller by an order of magnitude. She always gets fed first, because she is apparently always STARVING. Menolly was also the first kitten to escape her bin; I found her snuggled up next to Audiva this morning and had to put binder clips on the towel cover. 

Next is Audiva, the other female, and much less obvious of a naming choice. If she'd been bigger or louder she might have been Silvinia, but she's pretty laid back and mostly enjoys snuggling in with her stuffed puppy fake mama and sleeping on her back. (She was "Dot" to start with, because she has one black spot on her back and the white stripe on her face wraps around her ear to make the black spot a round dot.) 

Sebell has facial markings that are not dissimilar from Menolly's, but where her body is mostly white, his is tuxie black. (He was "Blaze" to start with becausse of the white blaze up his face and chest.) Sebell just about gave me a goddamned heart attack this afternoon by not only slipping out of his bin but leaving the bins entirely and going a few feet away to a place where I could easily have stepped on him. I like to think I would've noticed him before I did, but luckily the kiddo was with me and quickly pointed out the wanderer. Yikes! There is such a thing as living up too much to your name, journeyman. 

The final kitten is Robinton, the biggest and most distinguished of the kittens thanks to his handsome white mustache! (He was "Stashy" in the book for obvious reasons.) Robinton is possibly the most businesslike kitten I have ever encountered. When I pick him up he pees and usually poos as well, lets himself be wiped up, then latches onto the bottle like it's going out of style. He's gained 30g already and has a handsome portly tummy to go with his handsome face.

  The little kittens did well today, but Zuko lost some weight and I'm not sure why. I'm hoping the tick we pulled off him isn't making him sick a few days later. I penned him up with some food to make sure he'd get enough, but all he did was cry, so I pulled him out, snuggled him, and then syringe fed him meat mush through a luer lock with no tip in it. It was messy work, but he ate some! I'm going to keep on keeping an eye on him, but he's certainly been very active. The others are all gaining well and eating well. The kiddo has been spending a lot of time taking Aang into his room and playing with him whenever I say he can. It's probably just as well if these kittens depart this weekend; we cannot get another cat if we want to keep fostering and I don't want him to get his little heart broken when it's time to say goodbye. 

In non-heartbreaking news, I proved my Minecraft chops and general motherly acumen today when I fixed the kiddo's bugged game by successfully typing /gamemode creative into the text window in the very few seconds between respawn and death after the kiddo accidentally redrew the borders of the world to exclude the place where he was. He'd been getting a little wound up worrying about it but all's well that ends well, and I showed him how to back up his game to prevent future disasters from being ruinous. It's funny because I remember back when he was maybe two or three years old and my motion sickness wasn't so acute, he'd like to sit on the arm of my recliner and watch me play Minecraft. It was fun, but it added difficulty because he unconditionally refused to let me kill the cute animals for food or materials. Suffice it to say he has gotten over that qualm and is now a first rate hunter and farmer. 

The only other real thing of note today was our trip to the thrift store. The thrift store was closed for many months during the pandemic, and we've only been back a couple times since they opened despite it being one of my favorite places. Today's trip was ostensibly for the purpose of acquiring suitable fake mama animals for when the teenies inevitably pee or poop on the ones they have, but we found many other goodies as well. They put all their pet, garden and summer stuff on half price sale, so I got a Topsy Turvy planter for a buck, a couple of blue ice cooler packs for less than a dollar each, and a really startlingly nice crate-style cage for small animals for just three dollars. I am betting it was probably 40 at the store and it looked new, so I'm very pleased. We're always looking for crates for transfering kittens or friendly ferals without taking up our scarce box traps! I also got six or seven appropriately sized stuffed animals for the non-hypothetical kittens. 

The kiddo got into a bin of 50 cent electronics toys with no batteries, sold take-your-chances style, and got a little ray gun, two Perry the Platypus walkie-talkies, and a bluetooth speaker. Everything but the gun worked, so it was a heck of a good deal even though he did wind up getting his finger stuck in the ray gun while disassembling it and needing a good spritz of cooking spray to release him. My best find was probably the nonstick Pampered Chef two-handled skillet in great shape for five bucks. I couldn't find the exact pan online because it's probably older, but I don't think PC sells any pans for less than like 100 bucks, so I was quite pleased. It's a great size for omelettes, stir fry, eggs, whatever. Every time I move, I have to go through and get rid of most of my pans, and every time I settle down again, I rebuild my collection. It's the circle of life! 

#quarantine #kittens #harper hall #pern #minecraft #pampered chef #my tags are getting practically instagrammy lately #but i have noticed that if I don't make tags of what i talk about #tumblr can never find it again

[pbandjesse]

I had a really terrible head ache since like. 3pm. But I am sipping on gatorade now and its helping. I think it was a combination of heat, not enough sleep, and a lack of water and caffeine. But today was still a really good day. 

James and me got ready this morning but we were both kind of exhausted. Which made him very tired, and me very worried. But we got out of the house on time, James drove me out to camp. We got the cabinet I got for CJ out of the car, and he headed out. Took the car to the shop for a check up, and he went to work. 

And I worked on trying to have a productive day. 

It was a good day though. I made myself a little to do list. And I got a good amount of it done. I worked on making The two different looms for the kids to work with. But there is still much to do! Joe, the grounds keeper, brought me nails and cut wood for me to make the beading looms. They will work very much like my bead loom at home, but they will use big pony beads instead. Its going pretty well in practice, so well see how it goes with the kids. 

I also made samplers for embroidery. I need to draw out more, but so far so good on that as well. I think what my plan will be is wishbone stick looms for the under 7s, beading for the 8 to 10s, and then 11 and up do embroidery? Unclear. I got my kid counts today from Heather so I will work more on figuring that all out tomorrow. James is going to try to maybe come visit, so I will put him to work. But were not sure he's going to come because when I checked with Alexi at the end of the day she wasnt clear. I sent an email telling her that if its not okay that I wont be upset. But yeah well see. 

I spent the morning working on all those projects. And at 1130 I wandered to the office to heat up my lunch. I ate on the porch and then went back to the art shed to lay in my hammock. 

I slept for a little while. It wasnt exactly that I didnt feel well. I just felt so tired. 

I had a good nap. I woke up and worked on setting up for the YSL kids I would have this afternoon. I went to the office to scan some papers. And then went to wait for my class to come. 

I was excited to work with the teens. A little intimidated but they were great. We did the plaster casting project, and then the sampler. I think the biggest take away was that they were really focused and worked really hard, but were incredibly needy! Like not in the same way, but some of them got really upset really easy when something didnt work out. It was great though. And they all did so well. One girl had some issues with her clay and I had to make a second batch of plaster and I messed up the consistency (first to thick and then to thin) but when they come pick them up from me tomorrow it should be all good. 

It was really fun teaching them the embroidery though. We did 8 stitches. Only 2 of the girls got to the chain stitch, but everyone did a running stitch, a knot, and a back stitch. It was great. I was so proud. And I got a big compliment when one of the girls said she must really like this because she wasnt worried about going swimming which was their next program. Made me feel really good. 

But once they were gone, and I was cleaned up, my head was just pounding. 

I went for a walk. Collected for wishbone sticks for looms. Stopped at the trading post and got a soda to see if that caffeine would help. And it did for a while. But my head still really hurt. I got my sticks and went to set those up. Felt accomplished. As I was finishing up that James texted me that he was on his way. Excellent. I went to the office to wait for him and get some counts for things. 

He got there and I went and closed up the art shed. Walked over to him. We drove back towards to office to say bye to Charlotte and to check in with Alexi which is when she was like. Unsure if he could visit. But she didnt say no. So I sent an email saying I wouldnt be upset if she did say no, but if he does come he'll just be with me in art helping out there. So well see. We have had other visitors but everything is weird because of the ongoing pandemic that we are pretending isnt happening. 

At least Pennsylvania has made masks mandatory for  being out in public. Everywhere else should do that. I wore the tube neck scarf style today and while I liked parts of it, it made me a little to hot and by the end of the day I was having trouble getting it to stay up. I used a hair clip but it was not ideal. Ah well. 

I was super tired in the car. And I could feel how tired James was too. I was super glad to be home. I found another set of plastic drawers in the trash across the street. So we grabbed those. I had a really good package of stuff when we got in. Including some face products I was excited to try. 

We got on the couch and caught some of the new bugs and fish in animal crossing. It was fun to just spend that time together being excited about bugs. James made me a flat bread pizza but it didnt taste right. So I had veggie chicken nuggets instead. And eventually came and laid down. 

I took a shower and now I am chilling, watching videos and listening to James play games with his friends. Its a nice night. 

I hope tomorrow is a good day. I am excited to do a little embroidery with some of the older kids as a mini project.  But I really just hope I sleep well. 

Goodnight everyone!

[diaryformytravels]

#26 Toronto (Day 11)

Morgan again. 

We set our alarms for 8:40 so we would be ready to leave at 9:30am for the outlets as we were instructed the night before. I went and had a shower, came back to the room and sat in bed again because J was practically still asleep. Michelle then came in and instructed us ‘lazy people’ to get out of bed. A positive of this trip is that I’m getting very good at biting my tongue, but simultaneously my patience is being worn down, so lots of little comments like that annoy me. 

Anyway, we went upstairs when we were ready to discover Mikko putting on his shoes. I did not know that he would be joining us. They don't really feel like days off when we’re constantly with everyone. 

We drove for around 45 minutes to the outlets, I wore my new coat, and J and I both listened to music in the back seat. I think the situation might be getting to me and as I’m becoming more hot-headed, because I find it quite rude how nobody (Mikko or Michelle) offer for me to sit in the front seat of the car even though they know I get car sick. 

We got to the outlets, and boy, was it deserted. That could be due to the freezing temperatures, or due to the severely anticlimactic variety of shops. 

Mikko went off by himself for a bit, so us three went into Kate Spade. I was VERY sad. We saw these awesome little bags that were all different colours and sparkly and round at a different store last week, but Michelle said to wait because they’d be at the outlets. They were not. I had been waiting the whole time to buy one, and it did not improve my mood one bit. However, I did manage to find some other stuff (I got a plain black bag that fits my computer, clear bag for toiletries on the plane and a small wallet). These prices were very good, for example the big bag was originally $519 but I got it for $124. Michelle of course spent ages in there. 

After, we split up as Michelle went to meet Mikko for coffee. J and I went to the food court for lunch, which was also lacking. The only good option was Subway, but we were happy with that. J says this was the best meal of the trip to date. 

We wasted time looking around at other shops, like some game stores and clothes that weren’t particularly nice. We had $500 to spend each (our Xmas money from his parents) and didn't find anything we wanted. 

Eventually, we got to go home. As we were making our way to the car, we told Mikko about the sales we scored in Kate Spade, to which he was quite impressed. It is important to note that the two adults did not eat at the food court. In the car, I tried to sleep because I was so tired. After a while, Jasper informed me that we were in fact going to Max’s school to pick him up early (it was 2:40, an hour before he finishes) because they knew he didn't like the class he had last. 

We picked him up, and then were all informed by Mikko and Michelle that we were going to have dinner at this restaurant they like (it’s now not even 3pm). Jasper threw a complete tantrum, and Max wasn't happy either. I’m sitting in the backseat trying to stay silent by physically placing my hand over my mouth and staring out the window. Jasper was complaining about why couldn't they have told us this before we ate, Mikko was just being an angry neanderthal, Max was whining that he didn't want Italian and Michelle was telling them all to have better attitudes. She then turned her attention to me to say at least I had manners and was raised right (I still didn't trust myself to open my mouth, scared I would snap at any one of them in the car, they’d all given me reasons to). Jasper kept going on about how he wasn't hungry because its 3pm, until he put his headphones on to seethe with anger in silence. 

We pulled up to the restaurant, Jasper still grumpy, Max in less of a bad mood, Michelle thinking it’s funny and god knows what goes through Mikko’s head. We ordered some starters to share, Michelle gave Jasper a plate “just in case” which made him angry again. Of course, while waiting, we played Uno, because this is a dysfunctional family and a proper conversation cannot be had without a fight or careful planning beforehand. Max threw a small tantrum when we were talking about the theme parks and going early/lining up to get on the rides because he didn't want to. He also got angry when we were planning to go to the outlets while he and Mikko played some golf, even though they would meet us after. He then chucked the wobblies again when he discovered Michelle, J and I were going to Chicago after, saying it’s “like London again”. This kid, honestly. He then went on to discuss and complain how he never gets to go anywhere (as in cities/holidays etc). Michelle tried to comfort by saying they go on holidays when we’re at uni all the time. He complains because he can’t go because of school, and we don't have school. I’d like to tell him that I don’t get time off because I’m either at uni, dancing or working so barely get a full day off, but again, I bite my tongue. 

Jasper later informed me that he got hungry half way through the meal, but didn't say anything because he was being stubborn. 

We got home and started packing for Orlando and Chicago. We also had to clean because the cleaners are coming at 9am again tomorrow (wtf). We then finished watching Johnny English with Max and then watched the second one. In between the movies, the boys went upstairs to get food. Max didn't want the food we brought back from the restaurant today or the leftover Chinese he insisted we kept for him. He made Mikko make him a toasted sandwich, because he is simply incapable of doing anything himself. 

Goodnight for now. Tomorrow we travel to Orlando, so you’ll get some fun and exciting airport tales from Jasper. 

Sending my love x

[niall-is-my-dream]

Songbird - Part One

“When Erin decides to perform one of her favourite songs at a bar, she didn’t expect one of the singers, Niall Horan, to be in the audience. What started as an appreciation for her cover quickly turns into more than either bargained for.”

(Previously known as Fools Gold, this fic has been edited, reworked and finally finished!)

Thanks to @angryniall for being an amazing beta!

As always let me know what you think.

Em x

3065 words

Niall's POV

You really hadn't wanted to go out last Friday night, you'd barely gotten over your jet lag and would have preferred to lie on the sofa watching golf. However the lads said it was going to be a quiet one, at a place with live music and that they weren't going to be late back.

You were immediately pleased with your decision to go out when this absolutely beautiful girl stepped out on stage and started singing. When she reached her final song you couldn't believe it when she sat with her guitar and sung Fools Gold. A song you'd helped write and had performed on your recent tour. You quickly started filming her, she played it well.

God was there anything better than seeing an absolutely stunning girl sitting with just a guitar and singing one of your songs.

You'd clapped when she had finished, watching her pack away her guitar, before walking off towards the bar, talking to a few people along the way. She stopped by a lad at the bar and he brought her a pint of Guinness.

She was perfect.

Was that lad her boyfriend?

She hadn't kissed him when she greeted him and she'd not sat down with him. Instead she was sat next to another couple.

"Hey Nialler, it's rude to stare!" Deo had said laughing.

"What?! Wasn't staring at anything, just looking around." You'd replied.

"She sang your song well didn't she?" Willie had said, when he realised where you'd been looking.

"Yeah, really well, was going to send it to the lads."

"Maybe go over and ask her permission before you do that?"

"Yeah, maybe." You'd nervously replied.

"Have another drink for courage mate!" He'd laughed.

And you had.

Then ten minutes later when she'd gone back to the bar, you'd looked over catching her friends eye and decided to go talk to her.

She was even better in person. Her beautiful blue eyes sparkled when she spoke. You couldn't believe it when she said she'd been to your London gig, and that she liked it. She was a fan but not a crazy stalker one who waits outside tv studios for you, she was a fan who listened to your music, really listened and then learnt how to play it.

Now you were sat here, phone in hand having just received the lads response to the video recording of her singing Fools Gold. They'd loved it and said she was brilliant.

You wanted to message her, but nerves had engulfed you. It had been 5 days since you'd seen her. Had you left it too long to message? You did say you'd message once you'd heard from them all.

God why was this so hard?

You'd messaged girls before. But there was something about Erin, you hadn't stopped thinking about her.

After writing and deleting a message about ten times, you settled on keeping it simple.

"Hi Erin, the boys loved seeing the video I sent them. Hope you're ok and work isn't too busy. Niall x"

Was the kiss at the end too much?

Placing your phone next to you on the sofa and letting out a massive sigh, you browsed through the sports channels. A long and tense hour later and your phone vibrated beside you.

"Hi Niall, it's good to hear from you, glad they liked it and didn't think I was an idiot! Work isn't too busy actually, doing a few night shifts right up until Xmas eve. Hope you're enjoying your time off. Erin x"

She had put a kiss at the end. You smiled at the sight of it.

Not wanting to sound too eager to maybe spend some time with her, but not being able to help being direct, you replied with.

"Are you working over Xmas? I'm off now for a few weeks until end of January. Going home to ireland on the 23rd till the 28th. Looking forward to eating loads of my mother's cooking! X"

"Nothing better than your mother's cooking is there? I'm in on Xmas eve on the night shift till 7am then I'll go to my parents and sleep off the shift and probably stuff my face with my mother's Xmas dinner. Back in 7am on the 28th."

You let out a laugh at her reply.

"Ha! Stuff your face! Think I'll be the same, my mother always cooks like there's 50 people coming when in reality it's normally about 10 of us. Where do your parents live?"

"Not far only in Bishops Stortford in Hertfordshire. My dad will drive and pick me up as I don't have a car, don't find I need one much."

"I sold my car a while ago as I just wasn't using it, I've just been away for 7 weeks so it would have just sat unused that whole time. I tend to use the tube or borrow my cousins car who I live with."

"The tube?! That's brave! Do girls follow you around when they spot you?"

"Not really recognised much, you know what people are like on the tube they don't even look at each other!"

"Ha! I suppose! I just get on and look at my phone then hear my stop and get off."

"Londoners aren't exactly the most social on the tube!"

"No they're not! So you live with your cousin then?"

"Yeah, he moved to London around the same time I did so we decided to live together. He's one of my best friends so we spend a lot of time together. Makes sense that we live together any way, he can keep an eye on the place when I'm not here. Do you live with anyone?"

Did she have a boyfriend? You weren't sure you were ready to ask her outright yet.

"No, just moved out from a house share to a place of my own, managed to buy a place. Just a little one bed flat, but its good to be on my own. Hated sharing with my friends, they're so fucking noisy! I'm loving the peace and quiet."

"Congrats on getting your own place. Luckily my cousin is pretty quiet. No wild parties here!"

"Sure there isnt! I'm sorry Niall but I've got to go to work now, got to go deliver some babies! Maybe chat again? X"

"That's ok Petal, you go deliver those babies! And yes, I would love to chat again, message me soon xxxx"

You sat back further on the sofa, placing your phone beside you again. Had you sounded a bit desperate with your last message? Was 4 kisses at the end too much?

Oh god what had got into you!

"You ok Niall?" Willie asked, as he walked into the living room.

"Yeah, just text that girl from Friday."

"Oh yeah, what did you say?"

"Just chatted a bit, she's got to go to work now, night shift at a hospital." You said with a sigh.

"Sounds like you like her?!" He smirked.

"I do, she's different from other girls, don't know how. Just something about her."

"She got a boyfriend?"

"Don't know I didn't ask, didn't want to seem pushy. She said she'd message me soon when she's not working, I'll ask her then."

You both sat and chatted with each other for a bit, having a couple of beers before you both went to bed.

The next morning you woke up to a message.

"Hey Niall I hope this message doesn't wake you up, downside of a 1am break! Was really great talking to you earlier, sorry I had to cut it short and head to work. Hope we can talk again soon. Erin Xxxx"

A smile spread across your face, you looked at your clock it was 7:30am not normally a time you'd be up but jetlag had messed with your sleep schedule. She'd be on her way home now you thought.

"Was great to wake up to your message, hope you had a good night at work. Text when you wake up later would love to talk more xxxx"

You couldn't wait till later.

********

Erin's POV

You smiled as you sat on the tube home, reading Niall's message. You'd replied straight away.

"Work was hectic lots of babies! Can't wait to sleep, will message later, have a good day xxxx"

You had managed to get through the night shift at work without daydreaming of Niall. You'd not mentioned your texts to anyone, especially not Kathy. She was the one you'd been to the concert with. Her daughter Lyla was a massive fan, so she had brought 4 tickets and invited you and one of Lyla's school friends to go. If she knew you'd met him, and had been texting him she would freak out. She was a good friend, but you weren't ready to share this secret with anyone just yet.

You climbed into bed at 8am and set your alarm for 3pm. You were on another night shift tonight so you knew you'd need at least 7 hours sleep in preparation for another 12 hour night.

Your shifts weren't too bad. You normally did two 12 hour night shifts a week and two 8 hour day ones. You'd picked up a few extra longer shifts the last two weeks, as you'd got a few days off over Christmas, so wanted to help out before hand.

You fell asleep almost instantly, thoughts of Niall swimming in your head.

Your alarm woke you from your slumber. Your first thought was Niall. When you'd had been texting yesterday before work the conversation had been easy. You text him straight away, hoping you'd be able to chat before you went into work later.

"Hey I'm awake now if you're free to chat? X"

He replied within minutes.

"Afternoon Erin. You sleep well? X"

"Yeah, not too bad. Got 7 hours. Just about to get some food. Got to leave by 6pm to get to work again."

"Ah that sucks, was hoping we could hang out sometime before I go back to Ireland. I'm busy tomorrow and then I'm flying the day after that. Unless you have a boyfriend and can't?"

He's asking about a boyfriend.

Do not freak out!

"Yeah I'm sorry, I'm now regretting signing up for extra shifts! Maybe when you're back? And no I don't have a boyfriend."

"Definitely, there's always texting and maybe face time over Xmas?"

Oh my god!

He wants to face time.

Fuck!

Be cool!

"I'd like that. How was your day?"

"Did some last minute shopping and then wrapped some of it. Have left it till the last minute again!"

"Well you have been busy touring! Bet the shops were packed!"

"They were and I got spotted a few times which delayed it. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having pictures with fans, but I just wanted to get in and get out today! Currently lounging on the sofa again!"

Then he sent an absolutely gorgeous selfie of himself lying on his sofa. He looked unreal. You could feel your body heating up from just that one photo.

"God that sofa looks comfy!" You replied cheekily.

"It is, just a shame you have to go to work. There's a space here for you next to me."

Your heart was beating so fast in your chest at this point that you thought it might explode.

"Hey! don't tease!"

You were thoroughly enjoying this carefree flirting you had going on.

"Ha! Sorry! What you cooking then?"

"Oh it's very exciting!" You replied as you took a picture of your stir fry.

"Looks good. You'll have to let me come over and cook for you some time. X"

"That's a deal! X"

The text messages just kept bouncing back and forth, until you were putting your stuff in your locker at work. You took a selfie of yourself in your scrubs and sent it to him.

"Got to go now, babies to deliver. X"

"Never seen anyone look so sexy in scrubs before! X"

"Piss take! X"

"Ha! No seriously you look beautiful Erin, hope work goes ok. 😘"

He had ended your messages with a kiss emoji. You internally squealed, the smile you had on your face was definitely not going away.

Another shift ended and you got your stuff from your locker to find he had messaged you again. You'd not had much chance to stop for a break so hadn't checked your phone in 12 hours. But there it was, a single message from Niall that definitely brightened up your morning.

"Hey I guess when you read this it will be morning. So good morning, hope work was ok. Can't wait to chat later, keep looking at your picture. I'm doing work stuff today but can reply. Can't wait to hear from you. X"

Honestly this whole texting thing was surreal. You replied, deciding to be cheeky and add the kiss emoji on the end like he had done last night.

"Morning Niall, hope you slept well, can't wait to sleep, my feet hurt! I will send you a much better picture than my scrubs one, I promise. 😘 Will message later x"

Jumping on the tube with all the early commuters on their way to work, you couldn't wait to get home. Work was about a 45 minutes trip and you soon made it back to your flat. After a quick shower to freshen up you threw on some cosy pyjamas and climbed into bed.

You didn't sleep long as you were not working that night and were on a day shift the next day. Niall had said he was working, but you text him just after 1pm when you woke up. It felt weird to be texting him like this when you had only just met. The messages had gotten quite flirty, and as much as you loved it you weren't expecting it to materialise into anything. This was Niall Horan for fucks sake, why would he want you?

This was only a bit of fun and you needed to remember that.

You messaged him saying hi and that you had just woken up and were about to take a shower, needing to wash your hair ready for this evening. By the time he messaged back, you had dressed in jeans and a long sleeve cotton top and dried your hair.

"Hey you, sorry only just replying I was in an interview. How was your sleep? You working tonight? X"

"Its ok, how was your interview? No I'm off tonight but back in tomorrow at 9am. I have a works thing tonight in Camden tonight, going to The Colonel Fawcett as they do loads of awesome gins, but won't be drinking much. X"

"Sounds fun, I'm catching up with some friends for a Christmas drink tonight to. Interview was ok, it was for a golf thing I'm going to next month. X"

"Golf? You play?"

"Yeah love it, it's not a boring old man's game!"

"Never said it was!"

"Ha! Most people think it is! So have you told anyone that we've been messaging?"

"No, I haven't"

"What no one?"

"No, I thought you'd prefer the discretion, plus no need for me to tell anyone. Have you?"

"Just my cousin, he was the one who encouraged me to come and talk to you."

"You weren't going to come over?"

"No, was too nervous, but he said I should probably ask your permission to send the boys the video of you, and may have given me a gentle nudge in your direction!"

So the nervousness he had shown when he was talking to you had been real. He was so sweet, you really felt like you had got to know him over the last few days. The real him, not the one standing up on stage in front of thousands of people. You didn't hesitate with your reply.

"Ha! Well I'm glad he did, I really enjoy talking to you. X"

"Me to. I have another interview now so I'll message you in a bit. X"

He did message you back, 45 mins later as you were cleaning up your flat and sorting through Christmas presents. You'd started to sort out your bag to take home with you too. Your dad was going to come here for your stuff and then collect you from work early Christmas morning.

You began messaging back and forth again, this time getting more and more flirty. He practically begged you for a picture when you were ready to go out and you asked for one in return. You'd smiled and bit your lip nervously as you took it. Your fitted black knee length skirt hugged your curves well and you'd teamed it with black heels and a dark blue floaty top. Your naturally curly red hair was tucked over one shoulder.

He replied straight away and caused an instant blush on your cheeks.

"Wow, you look fucking amazing!"

"Ha! Thanks, now where's my picture???!!!"

He sent one to you, he was wearing his trademark dark blue jeans and a white long sleeve cotton v neck top, a little bit of chest hair visible. God you wanted to run your fingers through it. He'd styled his hair with a high flick and was doing his smouldering look.

"Ooohhh hello! Where's the smile Horan?!"

A minute later. He sent the same picture but this time he was smiling.

"Much better! Although I do love that smouldering look! 😉"

"Ha! Don't be cheeky! Seriously you look beautiful, don't go getting anyone's number and making me jealous!"

Interesting??!!!

"Oh really that's not allowed? Well make sure you don't get anyone's tonight either!"

"No it's not! Don't want to share you with anyone. X"

"Don't want to share you either. X"

This time you didn't bother to hide your squeal and the sound of it echoed around your small bedroom.

This made you happy to know that he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he didn't want you to either. You still didn't know what to expect from him. You'd only met him face to face once, and that was for literally less than ten minutes. This texting was getting crazy. You really needed to see him. You'd have to wait till after Christmas since he was away and you were working and away to.

Thanks for reading!I

Em x

Tag list @awomanindeniall

Let me know if you'd like to be added to the tag list.

#Niall #niall fan fic #Niall fan fiction #Niall Horan fan fic #Niall Horan fan fiction #Emily writes #Niall fluff #Niall smut

[eponymous-rose]

Weird question, but you seem really productive despite seeming to have a constantly fluctuating routine, with both your work and your hobbies. Most people think having a solid routine is the only way to increase your productivity but I've pretty much given up on having a routine since my life seems similar to yours--a lot of travel, weird and always changing work hours. Do you have any advice on how you deal with routine and productivity in spite of that?

Oh gosh, this is definitely something I struggle with a LOT, and I’m not sure I’ve found a coping strategy that works for me yet. But the small things that have been helping have been (1) keeping a routine in my planning even if the stuff I do changes dramatically (even if I’m traveling, I have a notebook where, every Sunday, I list all the stuff that has specific dates/times for the following week, I list the stuff where I still have to come up with a date/time, and I list the stuff I’ve gotta do that week for sure), and (2) finding multiple ways to approach the same goals that I can tailor to my level of energy/spare time on any given week (so this week I’m just not in a super exercisey mindset and can’t rely on having the motivation to run every day, but instead I’m making an extra effort not to eat out this week—lower-effort for my current state of mind, but all toward the same goal of feeling a bit healthier overall).

I’m also very cognizant of how little time at work is actually spent working, so I try not to feel guilty if the total number of hours worked is low as long as the work’s getting done. I’m an incredibly routine-oriented person, but it’s been a bit freeing to slowly and steadily teach myself that stuff just has to get finished one way or another, and the easiest way to do that is to just focus on specific goals and let the rest be flexible.

Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of this ask and was like, “You know, I’ll just write up what I do on Monday as an example, and I bet things will go hilariously awry.” And so they did.

So here’s what my weekly planning list looked like last night:

Dated Events:

Call with paper coauthor at 9AM Monday

Call with leadership academy planning committee at 10AM Monday

Call with peer mentoring group at 9AM Tuesday

Sit in on class at 11:30AM Tuesday and Thursday

Seminars Wednesday at 3PM, Thursday at 4PM, and Friday at 3PM

D&D Saturday at 6PM

Undated Events:

Coordinating abstract submission for an upcoming conference (early week)

Setting up Skype calls with a couple friends I haven’t talked to in a while (late week)

Assorted Priorities:

Book hotel for work travel in July

Accept journal article review request and scope out how long that’ll take

Review some materials sent out for my peer mentoring call

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Get my driver’s license renewed (the joys of yearly visa renewal… your license has to be renewed yearly as well)

Put together a schedule for a biweekly Twitter feature highlighting new publications for the account I run for a subcommittee in my field

Respond to an e-mail about a conference in January about some weird deadline that popped up for next week

Come up with conference abstract ideas before the as-yet-unscheduled meeting

Fill out some action items in advance of my 10AM Monday call

And some more specific checklists for four research projects I’m focusing on this week

I purposely try to group conference calls together, because I currently share my office and feel weird doing video calls when she’s stuck in frame five feet away from me while she tries to work. So Monday seems like a good day to work from home, and I can squeeze in Tuesday’s call before heading to the office that morning. I’ll be in the office Tuesday-Friday, which means I’ll be able to attend those seminars and classes with no problem. I have most of my D&D prep done already because we ended early last game, so I can leave that until Saturday. The only thing I might have to shuffle to next week is the driver’s license thing, because it’ll take three hours and I have to account for finding a Lyft there and back. Okay. Aces.

Wake up this morning to find my internet’s out, and I also somehow left the hard drive with all my research on it at work. Hoo boy. But staring over my to-do list, I think I can set today up as a “big picture” day and not have to do any actual coding, so I’m still okay to work from home. I can also phone in to the conference calls instead of using the video call software. All good.

Luckily, the internet comes back right before my first call of the day. Said call is with someone who also happens to be a dean, so she has a tendency to get held up at meetings, so I take that delay to look at the action items for my second call (I mean… if you send me action items at 8PM on a Sunday I am not gonna touch them until Monday morning).

When she did make it online, we chatted about the new paper, and she strongly encouraged me to send it to our other coauthors in case they have suggestions. We’re submitting on Monday, which is way too short-notice to read a 20-page research paper, but they already read the pre-revision version in great detail, so I shot them an e-mail that included a summary of the substantial changes and a note to the effect that if any of them want more time to look at this stuff, I can beg the editor for an extension on their behalf. Minor crisis averted.

Second meeting is very intense and structured. Everyone has to volunteer to organize and lead two webinars in the next three months, so I go ahead and volunteer for the two April ones so I’ll get it out of the way early. Aaand the first webinar is at 1PM this Friday. Okay. I’ll work from home that morning so I can do last-minute prep, then head into the office in time for the 3PM seminar. No biggie. One organizer puts together a draft schedule, and I send a quick e-mail suggesting a different use of one of the ten-minute time slots. One of the other organizers requests another conference call tomorrow instead of e-mails. I tell them I can only do after 4PM, if I leave work early. Eh. We’ll see how that works out.

After the call, I get through a bunch of small tasks in maybe 20 minutes: hotel booked, Twitter posts prepped, review request accepted (not due until May 20, so plenty of time on that), conference deadline e-mail chain started. I spend the rest of the time before noon getting sucked into an article someone sent me about the myths surrounding undergraduate grade inflation and then reading up on the peer mentoring materials for our call tomorrow. A couple other minor e-mails pop up (scheduling the precise date of a conference mixer in January, that kind of thing) and I manage to deal with them right away.

Lunch! Clearly working from home means I should take the opportunity to indulge in some fine cuisine, some leisurely cooking that highlights—

I heat up a microwave meal (chicken couscous) and watch YouTube videos for an hour.

Back in it! I write up some abstract submission ideas and make a valiant attempt at setting up a time to talk about them, but it looks like that might have to wait until next week. We’re still a ways before the deadline, so that’s okay.

Mmmmmmm someone on Twitter mentions a conference in Germany in September and a workshop in Colorado in July that both look like a good fit for my research. I’m in a situation where I have a big chunk of travel funding that’s going to disappear unless it gets spent in the next year. Oh no. But also oh yes.

Just in case, I put together a couple point-form ideas for stuff to propose that I can bring to the people holding the purse strings.

The rest of the afternoon is spent putting together weekly goals for four of my research projects: each one involves a collaboration with a different person, so I’d like to be able to send each of them an e-mail with at least one new thing to share about that project this week. Just in case that doesn’t happen, though, I rank them from most to least important. Worst-case scenario, I don’t have to send any of them this week, but it’ll make next week tougher if I don’t.

It’s only about 3:30 at this point, but honestly, I’m feeling a bit exhausted and overwhelmed (some of the e-mail chains have gone through five or six replies at this point and keeping it all straight is giving me a headache), so I opt to get some groceries and call it a day.

I may have added some stuff, but I got a lot crossed off today! Here’s how that last checklist looks at the end of the day:

Assorted Priorities:

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Project #1: come up with a new exploratory figure and send to Person A.

Project #2: summarize the early results I started last week and send to Person B, along with an ask to see whether he’d be up for me presenting this stuff in Europe in November.

Project #3: improve on figures I showed last month and send to Person C.

Project #4: prepare a rough outline of the next paper to send to Person D.

Not having my work hard drive means I was able to just focus on the stuff that wasn’t specific to research today. In all the chaos of today, I’ve set myself up well for a research-heavy rest of the week where I (hopefully) won’t have to worry about non-research stuff or big changes to the schedule and can just burrow into research, emerging for occasional seminar/webinar breaks. A good Monday, all around.

#eponymous academia tag #karionwriting

[soysaucevictim]

Poofed again, for the past few days.

-

Apr 18

I had been up since about 7:30AM. I did NOT have a restful night’s sleep.

A good bit of evidence for that was me forgetting to bring my laptop power chord in with me. So after I got there, I decided to spend time going to the diner and working on that drawing (until my battery ran too low.)

WRAP Group went okay - we restarted our curriculum, today. 5 Key Concepts - good stuff.

Spent remainder of time afterwards doing the DD and socializing... largely because I was getting restless and agitated about not being able to draw, not enough sleep, and probably too much caffeine in my system.

Got home, and spent most of my day watching the rest of Breaking Bad, playing games, and watching YouTube.

That DD was the only physically active thing I really accomplished - which was 50 squat step-ups with EC. It did work out a bit of restless energy I was having at the time. Definitely got pretty aerobic, too.

Despite being hella sleep-deprived and overstimulated... I went to bed at ass o’clock. :/

-

Apr 19*

Been up since about 3:00 PM.

Don’t have a whole lot to show for my day, usual noise.

I did do my exercise... this waking period at least.

First, today’s DD. 100 palm strikes with EC. I always love combat exercises, so this was a lot of fun! :D

Second, Day 23 of CG! Step jacks and march steps. Rested twice. Generally would have been more into this one, had I been doing it at a sensible hour. But just gotta deal with that decision. Shoulders did get pretty tired and I did noticeably feel a bit of blood pooling in my hands from upped HR + centrifugal force... which was a bit distracting. Not the first time with jacks, though and not a big deal to me. (Perhaps a factor was biorhythm stuff - sleep schedule is so wacky... yeah.)

Last, Day 23 of the A&CC. 4x20 side bridges with EC. This was not exactly pleasant and took some digging to get through it. Just happy I got it over with.

I’m not proud of finishing my exercises past 3AM... but distractions, man (one of which being getting mad at all the misogyny from fandom directed at Skyler from Breaking Bad... orz).

-

Apr 20*

Woke up a bit after 3PM, today. Yeah. :/

This day was basically the same as yesterday (including getting my exercise way too damn late again.)

First, today’s DD. 20 pike push-ups with EC. Form wasn't great, but I'll accept it. Not a personal favorite variation - but that's how it is sometimes. :P

Second, Day 24 of CG! March steps and butt kicks. Also rested twice, today. Knees and ankles weren’t terribly happy with how I executed the butt kicks - I admit that I just wanted to get it over with... so I wasn’t totally attentive. *Shrugs.*

Last, Day 24 of the A&CC. 4x20 infinity circles. I admit- these are mostly hard to maintain stability - easy to rock weight a bit too much and make it take a bit to complete the rep’s path fluidly and swiftly. But consider it done.

With that... I really should go wind down now. (Even though I did make the poor decision to drink coffee too late too...)

Gotta be up at least before 1PM so I can go with fam for Easter Dinner / Dad’s [Early, out of convenience] birthday day celebration.

#adventures with fitness #sharon watches breaking bad

[taylorfiction]

A Valentine’s

Um so this is rather long.... enjoy

WARNING : extreme fluff and lovey dovey stuff (&&& set in 2019)

I crept downstairs, my feet padding on the hardwood floor while my eyes searched the house for the man who was meant to be lying next to me. I heard a clang in the kitchen and I laughed to myself, what on Earth was he doing? I followed the noise until my eyes landed on him, an apron covered in love hearts over his bare chest while he hummed and pottered around the kitchen, obviously making something. He looked up as I entered and a look of alarm passed over his gorgeous features, ‘No, back upstairs,’ he pointed to where I had just come from, raising his eyebrows at me before starting to walk in my direction.

‘But you look so handsome in that get-up’ as he came closer I pulled him into me, my arms encircling his neck and my lips searching for a kiss, ‘and I’m hungry’ I pecked his lips before trying to walk towards the kitchen. ‘Um, no’ he grabbed my waist before I could go any further and span me around playfully, ‘Go back upstairs so I can surprise you’ he peppered my neck with kisses before he guided me to the stairs and watched me walk up them, back to the comfort of my bed and my rumbling stomach.

I jumped back into bed and pulled the covers around me, deciding that going back to sleep was my only other option. As my eyes began to droop once more I heard the creak of the bedroom door and a small voice whispering, ‘You still hungry?’ I pulled myself up and smiled at him, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand, I enacted my ‘gimme’ hands towards him and he laughed as he placed the loaded-with-food tray on my lap.

I observed the food in front of me and smiled at the way he had laid it out. A giant love-heart. ‘C’mere’ I motioned for him to come closer as he stood next to me and placed my hand on the side of his cheek so our lips met softly. I looked back at the food once more, murmuring under my breath, ‘Don’t know what your eating,’ he heard and he laughed before he stole a piece of bacon that he had previously cooked for me. ‘Hey that’s mine!’ I exclaimed at him, a playfully-hurt look on my face, ‘You want it back?’ he raised his eyebrows as he munched, knowing that I would never take it away from him.

He jumped onto the bed, lying down so he was facing me, watching me eat and smiling at me with that cheesy grin of his. Occasionally I fed him bits of food and chuckled when he took my hand in his and every time kissed each fingertip.

‘I was wondering’ he started at one point when I had almost finished the platter of food and had only coffee left to drink, ‘If you wanted to be my valentine’ he crawled up next to me and kissed my nose and then forehead and then my cheeks, and finally, he moved to my lips, taking my breath away with the passion that he greeted me with.

‘mmm’ I murmured into him smiling as I did so, ‘What about the cats?’ I pulled away, my eyes widening and an innocent look passing across my features, ‘Who cares about them ‘cause you’re mine’ he rapidly moved the tray that used to have all the food on it out of the way before tackling me so we were both lying down once more.

‘Hey!’ I squealed at him while he peppered my face with kisses in between repeating the word ‘Please.’ After a few seconds of this torture I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him once more, ‘Yes, I will be your valentine, but only if you shut up,’ his hands snaked down to my waist and we stayed like that, in bed, for a while longer, our lips and arms locked together.

‘So now that you’ve agreed to be mine for today,’ he started from the other room. I listened as I applied my red lipstick and stared at my made-up face in the mirror. ‘I’m taking you out for food,’ I saw his face in the mirror as his arms curled around my waist. I smiled softly at him before asking, ‘Where too?’ my curiosity was piqued as he smirked slightly and pulled me closer to him, his cheeky side shining through.

‘Somewhere nice’ he stuck his tongue out at my reflection in the mirror so I saw exactly what he did, he kissed my cheek before he let go of me and wandered out of the bathroom. ‘Hey! Comeback! I want to know’ I exclaimed as I poked my ear rings through my lobe. He popped his head back in, that smirk still on his face, ‘It’s a surprise’ I turned to him as he winked at me, my mouth forming an ‘O’ shape, then he was gone again. I could hear his laugh as he walked away and I shook my head, a smile appearing on my face.

He sat me in the car, a blindfold over my eyes, ‘wait here’ he whispered into my ear before kissing my cheek and then my jaw and then finally my lips, enough to make a little shiver run down my back. I don’t know how long I sat there, for some reason, all sense of time disappears when you can’t see anything. I heard his footsteps arriving, ‘Okay, you ready?’ he asked and I nodded my head, resisting the temptation to say, I’ve been ready ever since you sat me in this car.

I heard the car start and I felt the motion of the car moving begin, ‘When are you going to let me take this off?’ I asked, a hint of annoyance entering my voice, ‘When we get there aha.’ I felt his hand run up and down my leg in a comforting manner. We sat in comfortable silence as I thought of all the possibilities this day could bring and all the places he could take me.

At one point in the journey he turned the radio on and I managed to count six songs before he said, ‘right we’re here’ what was that like half an hour? It surely can’t be an overly secluded place. Oh God I really don’t want to have to deal with people, I thought to myself. He uncovered my eyes and the first thing I did was let my gaze rest on what was outside the window. Once again, Joe got it right.

I saw a dirt car park with trees surrounding it, the sun was out even though it was still February and it was still freezing cold outside. I saw birds in the trees and could feel my mind clearing already at just the sight of glorious British nature. I looked back at Joe who was still sat next to me, instead of a smirk a broad smile was spread across his features as he saw my happy reaction. He had found a quiet spot.

We got out of the car, slipping our coats on so we didn’t freeze, I saw Joe move to the boot and open it, he took something out then walked round to take my hand and guide me to the path. As we began to walk I leaned round slightly to see what he had in his hand and smiled the second that I glimpsed it. A wicker picnic basket.

We walked for a little while before finding a wooden bench at the edge of the lake, the ducks swimming despite the fact that the temperature of the water must be freezing and the sun reflecting off of the shimmering water made the day seem more summer-like than it actually was. Instead, it was Valentine’s Day. We sat on the bench, the basket between us, reluctantly letting go of each other’s hand yet knowing we needed to eat. ‘Is this my Valentine’s present?’ I asked him as I ate the food that, once again, he had prepared, happy to just be spending the day with him, ‘No, I’m saving it for later’ he leaned over to give me a peck before continuing to munch.

When we had stopped eating and had started chatting I suddenly remembered the gift I had bought him, my cheeks turned rosy as I pulled out the little black box in my coat pocket, wrapped in love-heart-covered paper. I passed it to him and talked as he opened it. ‘I’ve had your necklace for over two years now and every time you’re away it helps me and keeps you with me’ I started, pausing as he pulled the wrapping off, ‘and I realise, you’ve never had something like that, so I had these made, meaning, when you’re away you know that I’m thinking of you and I am there in your heart.’

I took a breath as I finished talking and I felt my fingers gravitate to the necklace hanging around my neck, his necklace, a nervous habit I had picked up. I stopped the minute I realised that I was doing it and focused myself on his reaction. As he saw what It was his mouth formed an ‘O’ shape which then broke into a smile. ‘I know they’re only small but I thought-, ‘ he halted me with a kiss, stopping my lips from uttering anything negative and reminding me what he had said last year, I just need you. ‘I love them’ he said as he pulled away, that winning expression still on his face.

He pulled out the silver cufflinks I had bought him, observing them and smiling at the cursive ‘T’ engraved in the centre of both of them. They matched my necklace. He leaned over and kissed me once more before putting them back in the box and slipping the box into his pocket.

We finished eating, the smiles that were on our faces earlier now double the size. We walked back to the car after we packed up the basket and said goodbye to the ducks which we had fed some bread, our hands tightly intertwined, similar to our hearts. He drove back to our place while I pondered; What could his gift be? Has he even bought me one? Am I going to like it? Damnit, of course I’m going to like it, it’s Joe for fuck’s sake.

When we finally got back to the house we were freezing, reluctantly we peeled our coats off and hung them up on the rack before we both clambered onto our sofa, a blanket over us. ‘It’s 3pm what are we doing now?’ I asked him, looking up at his damp blonde hair that looked so much darker when it was wet. He smiled at me before leaving the comfort of our blanket and walking towards the TV, ‘I know what we can do’ I could tell he was putting on a movie but I didn’t know which one until the intro began and Ashton Kutcher’s face appeared on the screen, Valentine’s Day, ‘Oh God,’ I hid my face between my hands as Joe chuckled, ‘I have to make out with someone in this!’ I exclaimed, whacking his arm playfully, ‘You’ve seen me make-out with my co-stars’ he raised one eyebrow at me, sticking his tongue out , ‘Actually whenever those scenes come on, you usually kiss me so I can’t watch it,’ I said almost matter of factually while he laughed, ‘Well then,’ he paused to peck my lips, ‘I guess you gotta pucker up,’ he smirked, knowing that after he had said that I wasn’t just going to pucker up. This kiss would take his attention away from the entire film not just one scene. I licked my lips and turned my head to the TV waiting for that scene to play.

Every time I saw my face I pulled the blanket up to my eyes, I knew my character was meant to be cringe-y but it still made me squirm, Joe would laugh and say something encouraging like, ‘It’s the intro and I already love it’ before looping his arm around my shoulders and squishing me into his side. I knew the scene was coming up I knew the dance scene was about to come on and I knew that he probably wouldn’t be expecting the kiss so I smiled to myself thinking about how taking him by surprise was going to be a lot more fun.

My character was doing her impromptu dance routine when I shifted in my seat and when Taylor’s character ran onto the screen I put my hand on Joe’s cheek to bring his face towards me, which he wasn’t ready for, and I met his lips with my own. There was more passion and more heat in it than a normal kiss yet it felt like it should be normal, it felt like every kiss should be like this because it took both of our breath’s away and that is what love is, Isn’t it? Breath-taking. After the shock of someone kissing him had worn off he placed one hand on my neck and the other snaked down to my waist, pulling me closer to him.

The kiss, or make-out, if you like, lasted for the entire scene and into the next, I had said to myself that I was going to take his mind away from the entire movie yet he had done exactly the same to me. He bit my lip slightly making a small noise escape my mouth to which I felt him smile at, my hands roamed his chest and his neck and I pulled at the blonde strands of hair at the nape of his neck, this time, I was the one smiling at his reaction.

I pulled away suddenly, placing my hand on his chest to push him back slightly, his mouth was left slightly open as though his favourite toy had just been taken. ‘Why do you look like someone just killed your puppy?’ I asked him, my head snapping back to the movie while his gaze was still on me. ‘It wasn’t my puppy that you killed, it was the moment.’ His voice sounded annoyed and I couldn’t help but laugh at his grumpy face, he tried to pull my lips back to his by leaving pecks on my cheek and down to my neck, ‘watch the movie’ I turned my head slightly towards him and leaned back to avoid our lips colliding once more, knowing that if they did I wouldn’t be able to pull away like I did last time.

A frown was stuck on his face until I leant over and kissed his cheek, ‘I’m saving all my love for later’ I let my side fall into him and his frown disappeared, he rested his arm over my shoulder, letting his fingers dance along the bare skin of the arm furthest away from him and we continued with the movie. We stayed like that until one of the final scenes, the elevator scene. I pulled his face to mine once more and our lips met, but this time it wasn’t hot or sexy but calmer, still holding the same passion but the kind of passion that showed love instead of lust.

The credits rolled and we sat there for a little while longer, smiling to ourselves and happy to be in each other’s arms. ‘We need to get ready to go out.’ He whispered into my ear calmly, gently, as though he didn’t want to wake me up even though I wasn’t asleep, as though he didn’t want to move. ‘I booked a table for dinner’ he kissed my temple and squeezed my shoulder before lifting the blanket off of us and helping me up. ‘You can get ready in the guest room ‘cause I want to surprise you with something’ I said to him, walking towards him and giving him a brief peck before wandering up the stairs and into my closet.

I stared at the dresses all hung on coat hangers in my closet, trying to find the dress that I had bought the other week, I had seen it and instantly thought of him, I had thought that he would like it, not just because it may be tight and it may hug all the right places but because he had always told me to wear what I want and to not worry about what anyone else thought. And boy did I want to wear this dress.

It was a dark navy blue but in dim lighting it looked black, a kind of inky-midnight-type colour which was similar to space and the night sky and if you looked at it for too long you could get lost in it, similar to his eyes. That’s what I liked about it, it was so, Joe. It was made of a lacey fabric that felt nice against my skin and traced flowers in the darkness of the colour, it hugged my body and moved as I moved making it comfortable and easy. The sleeves were three quarters leaving my forearms bare, I hope I don’t get cold, to be honest I didn’t really care, I just wanted to spend my evening with him. I left the zip open knowing I wouldn’t be able to close it and thinking about how it would drive Joe crazy if I asked him to zip it up for me.

I applied my saint lipstick which was dark, similar to the dress, but had more of a purple tint to it, a dark-cranberry-type colour and did my eyeliner and mascara and attempted the ‘smoky-eye’ which everyone seemed to be doing lately and Karlie had taught me, knowing it would go with the dark theme of my outfit. I slipped on the black heels that I always wore, the sky-high ones, that were comfy and seemed to go with everything.

I positioned his necklace so it was in the most obvious place and let my curls fall and frame either side of my face, I smiled at myself in the mirror, not too bad. I know I shouldn’t care whether he likes it or not because it’s my body and if I’m happy then that should be enough but, in my heart, I hoped he liked it, I hope he smiles when I come down stairs and I hope he thinks I look like a princess, it is Valentine’s Day after all.

I made my way out of our bedroom, deciding that walking down the stairs in heels would end up with me with a broken neck, I slipped the black shoes off, holding them in my hand then continued down the stairs. I heard an intake of breath as my eyes met his and he smiled at me, he wore a black suit with a navy tie that matched my dress, great minds think alike, his blonde hair was tousled as usual and his blue eyes were as clear as day, as bright as ever. Oh, his smile, boy did that almost melt me into a puddle.

My feet hit the last step and I took a step toward him, my hand ran down his arm, ‘You look so handsome,’ I kissed his cheek, making sure I didn’t leave a lipstick mark before turning around so he could zip up my dress, ‘Can you zip me up?’ I smiled as I asked this knowing where his thought process was going, ‘Do I have too?’ he asked a small laugh escaping him as my back was on display and he probably wanted to see more.

I felt him kiss every piece of skin on show as he zipped me up, slowly, taking his time, making a small tingle run down my back, making me not want to go out, but stay home and relish in his company, in his proximity. He finished the zip yet still let his lips linger on my skin, making the moment last longer than it probably should’ve done.

‘We need to go,’ I whispered into the tension that was rapidly building, I turned around, into his arms, and let our lips touch once before pulling him towards the door, our hands finding each other. I slipped my heels on once more as he opened the door and Brandon was there, waiting for us to hop in so he could drive us away.

‘You look amazing,’ he said to me as we sat in the car, resisting the temptation to lean over and forget that we ever had a reservation booked, I smiled at him, that’s all I wanted, he rubbed his thumb over my hand as our fingers were still laced together and I found myself gazing out the window at the chill February sky.

The drive was short and when we got into the restaurant I found that it was quiet, we had booked the place out, not wanting to be surrounded by people and not wanting to have to wear a disguise or something to look like we weren’t ourselves. Our hands were still laced tightly as we sat opposite each other, our smiles mimicking each-others as we sipped the white wine we had ordered and chatted about nonsense, similar to what we usually did. I didn’t know what it was but he seemed nervous, he seemed like something was up and I couldn’t quite place it, I didn’t know what it was but I knew there was something.

The waitress pulled me out of my reverie, smiling at both of us and asking our order, Joe told them what we wanted, after she had disappeared once more he looked back at me and gave me that winning smile, the one that made me so unbelievably happy. ‘So, am I getting a gift?’ I winked at him and smiled, he knew that I didn’t need one but It was still a good way to tease him. He laughed, a nervous hint entering his voice, why was he nervous? ‘I promise when we get home I will give it to you,’ he lifted my hand up to his mouth and kissed it, his lips tender and soft.

We ate our meal and our conversation was at the flirty stage where we had alcohol in us and all we really wanted to do was to get home and lose ourselves in each other. At the back of my mind I still wondered about what his gift was and if it was actually a real thing or whether this whole day was a gift because it had been so magical. I promised myself in that moment that I would never forget how wonderful he was and how much I loved him and clearly, how much he loved me.

With the bill paid and our smiles as wide as ever we left the restaurant and drove home, our almost-tipsy chatter flowing endlessly. We got in and he looked even more nervous than before, why? I made my way to the kitchen to pour two glasses of wine, one for me and one for him. I handed him one and he took one sip before placing it back down, giving me a peck on the lips and saying, ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ my stomach flipped and my mind raced as he left the room and my mind was left to ponder was this it? Was he going to get my gift? Where was he going? Was he just going to the bathroom? Am I just greatly over-thinking things?

He came back in, looking the most nervous he had looked in a while, he came up to me then and kissed me, softly, before whispering in my ear, ‘shut your eyes’ I did as he asked, a smile forming slowly on my lips as he made this more romantic, he kissed me once more before he disappeared and once again, I was left to ponder, ‘Open your eyes,’ he said it quietly but I could still hear, I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I cracked open my eyes.

My heart almost stopped and I could feel tears start to well in my eyes at just the sight of him, kneeling there. ‘Taylor Alison Swift, will you marry me?’ he said it, a smile on his face, his breath hitching slightly at the end, a glisten in his eye. It took me a moment before I could form words but I nodded eagerly and took an almost laughing-but-crying breath in, ‘Yes,’ I started as he stood up and closed the gap between us, he placed a simple ring on my finger, it wasn’t big and bling-y but beautiful and simple and embodied the connection we had. ‘Yes, a million times yes’ I said again as he held me in his arms, embracing me in his hold, I could stay here forever. He kissed me as tears ran from my eyes and down my cheeks, my heart beat as fast a race car and our fingers found each other as we kissed, over and over again.

We stood in each other’s arms for what felt like seconds but I knew was more like half an hour, just happy to be in each other’s hold, as we would be for the rest of our lives. I let my forehead touch his and I couldn’t help but close my eyes, a giddy feeling in my stomach. ‘I need to ring Abigail,’ I said quietly which made him laugh, I pulled away, it felt so wrong but I did. I picked up my mobile and tapped the ‘call’ button on her name and waited as the rings filled the quiet room. He still held my hand as she picked up, his thumb rubbing over my fingers, ‘Hey, you okay?’ her voice was chipper and happy, Matt and her had had a day together which he had described to me and I knew she would be over the moon with the gift he had given her.

‘I’m engaged’ I said lifting my free hand up to my eyes so I could gaze at the ring again, it was perfect, my smile broadened as she squealed down the phone, so loud that Joe laughed from beside me. My eyes lost sight of him as he moved behind me but I still felt his hand holding mine and his lips tracing patterns on my neck. ‘When did he ask you?’ she asked which made me smile even more as I remembered him telling me to shut my eyes as he got down on one knee. I shut my eyes once more as I felt him beginning to unzip the dress that decorated my body, ‘Just now,’ I bit my lip as she squealed again, oblivious to the fact that Joe was driving me crazy.

‘go and have fun with your man then,’ she said, laughter falling down the phone, I knew Joe heard as he smiled into my skin, still gradually unzipping my dress and doing the opposite of what he had done earlier, kissing every inch as it came on show instead of as it disappeared. ‘She already is,’ he murmured quietly but I still heard and I hope Abigail didn’t, she laughed in that cheeky way, meaning she most definitely heard, ‘I will’ I laughed before continuing, ‘Bye love, have fun with Matt,’ I recalled their wedding day, how I was Maid of Honour and how that had meant so much to me, it was my turn to get married now, ‘Oh she will,’ I heard Matt yell and I laughed, ‘I’m so happy for you,’ she said before I whispered bye again and our call ended.

The minute I placed my phone back down on the counter I felt Joe’s arms pull me into him and I let our lips meet after being separated for too long, I never wanted to be separated from him ever again. ‘I need you’ he whispered into my lips as he cupped my face with both of his hand and mine rested on his chest. He broke away, linking my fingers with his, ‘I love you’ I said in the moment of quiet. He guided me across the kitchen, towards the stairs, at every few steps he would look back at me and smile, his arse looked good in those pants.

We ended up in our bedroom and our lips and bodies were suddenly inseparable, I never wanted to be away from him. I pulled his jacket off and it landed on the floor before unbuttoning his shirt, my fingers trembling as I did so, the want for him overwhelming me. He took time in pulling my dress off, the midnight lace landing in a pile on the floor, ‘I’ve wanted to do that all night,’ he whispered to me, his eyes full of lust and want.

We stood in our delicates, seeing each other in a different light for the first time, seeing each other as fiancés for the first time, seeing each other as partners for life for the very first time in two years. How things had changed from 2016. Our lips crashed once more and our hands where everywhere and our bodies were everywhere and I wanted what we had to last forever. I never wanted to let go of this.

We spent our night enraptured in each other’s company, in each other’s bodies. I couldn’t help but fall in love with him over and over again because that’s what it felt like, it felt new and exciting once more, it felt like we were in that first month of our relationship again and nothing could go wrong. It felt wild and exciting and it felt like we were reliving the past when really, we had so much of the future to concentrate on. I couldn’t believe my eyes every time I looked at my finger, which was now adorned with a gem and a ring. Everything around me suddenly felt perfect.

He was perfect.

#taylor and joe fanfiction #taylor and joe #taylor swift