Tumgik
#i just feel more and more these days that i have nothing but circumstance in common with my friends
fxtalitygod · 2 days
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X. ~Survival~
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Genre: Historical AU, angst, mature, suggestive, arranged-marriage
Warnings: Dark themes, gore, graphic imagery, theme/depictions of horror, body horror, swearing/language, suggestive, pregnancy, mentions and acts of suicide, arguments, mentions of adult murder, Pet name (Little Flower 6-10x) implied Stockholm Syndrome, grief imagery, images/depictions of dead bodies, child death/murder, character death(s), slight misogynistic themes (if you squint), dubcon/noncon (not any actual smut other than vague mentions of sex), implied postpartum, implied survivors guilt
Word Count: 3.5k
A/N: Today is a new day and after I got home from work and did some fine-tuning, I finally posted the FINAL CHAPTER (not including the epilogue) of Survival!!! I honestly find it funny that I had originally planned for this story to be a short series and it just spiraled into two years of writing! HAHAHAHAA!!!
JJK Mlist•Taglist Rules• • Pt.I • Pt. II • Pt. III • Pt. IV • Pt. V • Pt. VI • Pt.VII • Pt. VIII • Pt. IX • Pt. X • Epilogue
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Emptiness.
It was a feeling that you bitterly greeted after having abandoned it six years ago. It was disappointing, but welcome nonetheless. You wished it was under different circumstances. You did not know which circumstances but knew it was anything other than this.
After the destruction of your life, everything went back to the beginning. You were rehomed in a new village and a different temple, though you could not tell much of the difference. Those blank walls still drove you to insanity. The marriage ceremonies had resumed and more children began crawling the halls in a matter of months.
Sukuna had seemingly lost interest in you after the incident. You had finally snapped, extinguishing the anticipation for the hopes that you would one day. Despite his seeming lack of interest, you were still watched over with diligence, still resided in his chambers, and still acquired a caretaker.
Your mental forces were deteriorating, and it was clear from the blank expression that graced your face. You assumed that Sukuna acknowledged that and decided to have a sitter stay on top of you if you were to do something unexpected– much like what you had done to your village.
The curse user knew the extent of your rage, but he did not quite expect you to leave your home in ruins, to burn your family into nothing but ash. Little to your knowledge, a part of him admired you for that; however, the words that left your mouth after the act had been done brought him a discomfort that neither himself could explain.
From the way he was rutting in you currently, you could not tell. Another attempt of impregnating you. Years ago, you would have had a mind to beg him to stop, and when you could not accomplish that, feign pleasure. You used to want to please Sukuna not for his benefit but your own. Now all you cared about was embracing the feeling of that emptiness as you merely felt the man fucking you: soundless, motionless, thoughtless.
It took a matter of months before you were with child again; however, unlike before, this pregnancy was worse. In the physical aspect, you were overall healthy, but your mental health was far from good. You were a husk of the woman you once were, having lost all ambition for your future. Even when spontaneous thoughts of what life would be like outside the temple, you could not help but feel nauseous.
Guilt.
There were times you wished you could have blamed it on your pregnancy and escape the reality of the issue, but your mind would not allow it. You were repulsed with yourself and could not help but feel like you were betraying your twins by just the simple notion that you were alive, and to think of a future for yourself without them revolted you beyond compare. Your pregnancy did not make it any better.
Most women in the temple thought of pregnancy as a fresh start after losing their previous offspring; a new chance to impress their husband– a sickening point of view; however, you could not be upset with them. Deep down, you believed they had been just as afraid as you were upon their arrival when their village elders proclaimed them the next tribute to Sukuna. They more than likely had a plan to make it out of this hell and made promises to return to their families, but somewhere down the line, all the manipulation, physical strain, and mental stress, caused them to accept their fates and try to make the best out of it, losing themselves in the process.
You were not so lucky.
If pregnancy was a punishment before, it was a curse now. Knowing you were to have another child brought you great remorse. Anytime you were to look or even feel your bump, you could not help but think of the past... to think of your twins. It felt like you were betraying them, trying to unconsciously replace them even though your pregnancy was out of your control.
The way you would eat at yourself could have been considered torture.
Besides the normal work around the temple, you would spend most of your evenings in a dark and unoccupied room, keeping to yourself. No one dared to disrupt you, mostly out of fear due to the knowledge of your power. Few left you space out of respect, knowing the pain you were going through; however, sometimes you wished they would walk through that door, hoping they would attempt to comfort you.
It would have been a good distraction from your running mind.
Those dark and quiet rooms gave you time to think and reflect. You realized there were many things you had undermined and denied for your own sanity. The list could go on, some minor, some major…and the major miscalculations stuck out like a sore thumb.
Trimester One.
Despite your efforts, your village nor your family would have ever accepted your children– Sukuna's blood coursed through their veins, and that was enough to consider them a monstrosity. Your hopes of escaping with them and living a happy life were an illusion you conjured up to keep a drive in you.
Trimester Two.
Whether you liked it or not, your twins would not stay innocent forever. The twins were under Sukuna's guidance, no thanks to your pact, and they absolutely adored him. The twins blindly trusted him with their entire beings and would have believed anything Sukuna had taught them was for good, and you knew for a fact that is how your partner would have spun it. Their acts would have been malicious and cruel and they would not have even known...and despite your want to tell them the truth, the constraints of your pact would have stopped you from doing so.
Trimester Three.
Even if you had successfully run away with your son and daughter in hand, the life the three of you would have lived would have been far from peaceful. You and the children were proven valuable assets to Sukuna; to think that your husband would give you all up so easily was foolish. The curse-user would have hunted you down to the ends of the world until you were back in his grasp.
And as you sat there holding your new baby girl, tears streaming down your face as you listened to her whimpers, you hoped she'd grow up to be a fool; a strong, but foolish girl. If your daughter grew up to be a fool, the world could not hurt her as it had hurt you. If she becomes a fool, she would not have to feel the burden you were feeling.
You hated that you hoped for her, hated the fact that you loved and cared for her after laying eyes on her small figure. The whole scene was pitiful. The arms of a mother holding her child close to her bosom as if shielding them from the world– the effort could be appreciated but was futile because the looming threat was already hovering over you as he inspected his creation. If his presence was not unsettling enough, his hum of satisfaction horrified you, causing you more tears.
"I should have killed myself that morning. It would have saved me a lot of heartache..." you whispered, repeating the words you had mentioned over a year ago.
Months back into motherhood you found yourself questioning yourself and your emotional availability every time you looked at your daughter. You were doing all the right things, but performing the tasks felt heavy on your shoulders, and the smiles you painted on your face felt like they were caked on. None of it felt real. There was no doubt you cared for your little girl, but you had to admit that the task was tiring– caring was tiring.
You thought the feeling would end, believed it was temporary, but days turned into months, and months turned into a year.
You had just finished your daughter's first inspection and were now in your sleeping chambers with your husband. You both stood there silent and unmoving, staring at each other with hardly any indication of who was willing to speak first. Fortunately, your daughter was the first to break the silence, whining as she clung to you. You sighed as you understood the child needed attention, moving the baby into a better position to lightly bounce her, attempting to calm her down.
"You know, I thought you would be overjoyed to be blessed with another child, Y/n," Sukuna sounded as he studied you.
"Whatever do you mean? I am nothing but pleased," you blankly responded, focusing entirely on the little girl bouncing in your arms.
Silence once again.
You could feel his stare burning into you; feel his agitation radiating off his skin as he looked for a real answer. Sukuna was not an idiot, you were aware of that, but his meaningless probing was getting on your nerves. You would much rather he got to the point than play his mind games. If he was going to be indirect, you would only do the same.
"Do you think of them when you look at her?"
There was a halt in your movements, breath hitching as you did so. You slowly moved your head to look at the man before you, your gaze piercing. You had every intention to avoid the question, but your mouth betrayed your mind.
“What do you think?” You snipped, a grimace forming onto your features.
“I could make you forget, simply remove them from your memory to rid you of this…ailment.”
For what felt like the thousandth time of your life, you could feel your eyes widen, however, this was the most appalling statement your husband had made. Had he really suggested ridding your memories with your twins? Had he no remorse? Of course not, why would he? The children were a means to an end, nothing more than a few pawns in his plan. Any love and affection the father had shown his son and daughter were shown with calculation and precision– there was no meaning behind those affections.
"You sick bastard."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"Y/n, I would advise that you watch your tone," a warning glare, "If I did not know any better, I would say that you were speaking out of turn when I am offering you such a gift– I do not offer such things lightly."
"Well it is good that you know better," the seething anger bubbling in your chest was choosing your words at this point, "How could you suggest such a thing?"
"I am doing you a mercy, Y/n, you are letting the past consume you from the inside out, and sooner or later you will become the image of your agony."
"You know nothing because if you did you would be in the same state as I am. You speak as if you know sympathy, but your words are honeyed to keep me in your grasp!"
Your breath was heavy as you confronted Sukuna, glaring daggers into his soul as you watched him step closer.
"Your perception can be quite bothersome at times, Little Flower; however, I believe it is what I admire most about you. I think it is why I chose you...why I love you."
Love.
Love.
Love.
"Love."
Your laughter was hysterical. The tears welling up in your eyes from pure disbelief and humor. Sukuna Ryomen himself has admitted to loving you for the second time. This time claiming he chose you because he loves you.
What a joke.
"Love me?" you choked between giggles, "Sukuna, you would not know love if it hit you in the face. Like I said before, your words are coated with the sweetest sugars to keep me around, to bring me hope, and quite frankly, the sweetness has become dull and bitter," a pause as you caught your breath, "You do not love me Sukuna. As I have stated, you love what I can provide you."
Silence had greeted you both for what seemed like the millionth time, but you could have been wrong, you lost count at this point.
"I understand the concept of love, more than you think, Little Flower; however, love has little meaning. So you are right, I do not love you, I value you. Is that not greater than love?"
You scoffed.
"You are going to die alone and I am glad that you will."
A soft chuckle sounded from your husband before feeling a strange feeling at the back of your head. You could feel the kanzashi pin moving in your hair as Sukuna played with the accessory.
"I highly doubt that."
Those four words had caused your heart to sink, bringing you more fear than you had ever experienced in your entire life. Without thought, you backed away from the man towering over you. You shook your head as you held eye contact with Sukuna, almost stumbling on your feet as you felt for the door and clumsily exited the room. You had your daughter close to your chest as you entered the hallway.
What little you had of your life came crashing down instantly as the gravity of your reality unfolded to its full extent.
You would never be free and although that was a realization you had made long ago...this time you had no hope to convince you otherwise.
So what did you do?
You ran.
You flew through the corridors to the gardens, arriving with heavy breath. Scanning the grounds you searched for the only individual who could help you right now. The moment your eyes registered the woman, you quickly approached, hardly paying attention to anything along your path as you made your way over.
"Y/n-"
"I have something for you!" you interrupted, holding out a pin you had stored and concealed for years, never knowing the right moment to give it to the woman before you.
The woman who had lost her sick and poor son on your very first inspection day.
You watched as her eyes welled up immediately, taking the pin and inspecting it as if to make sure it was real. When she was able to confirm the little trinket was indeed not a figment of her imagination, she held it close to her chest, letting her silent sobs escape before looking at you.
"Thank you. Thank you so much. But why are you giving this to me?"
You looked around hesitantly before pitifully looking at her, letting your walls crumble to reveal all your pain and suffering.
"I need your help."
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"Uraume!"
"Yes, Sukuna-sama," the right hand responded.
"I would like you to gather the women and children from the inspection, I have an announcement."
"Yes, Sukuna-sama, I'll get right on it."
With that Uraume disappeared, leaving Sukuna in his quarters alone. The man paced in his chambers, reflecting on the prior conversation from earlier. The talk did not have the most satisfying ending, but much like the other unfortunate discussions that had been held between the two of you, this would be another problem that would resolve itself in due time.
The move would help move that process faster.
This village had quickly bored the tyrant, as they were quick to promise vengeance and destruction upon his empire. Same-old-same-old. So with that, it was time to move on to the next village after leaving this one behind in ashes.
"Sukuna-sama, the women and children do not appear to be in their chambers or the gardens, the workstations are abandoned too.
"What?"
Without a thought, Sukuna stormed out of the room and into the halls, those blank walls making the temple look more abandoned knowing that everyone had seemingly disappeared. He looked through every room he managed to pass, even using his abilities to sense the faintest amount of cursed energy. For a while, he came up with nothing, but after catching a familiar aura, he briskly started to follow the direction it was coming from.
The curse-user found himself in the main hall, where he saw his wives and children gathered. The husband would be lying if he claimed he was not confused with the situation, but he would not show that. Instead, Sukuna decided to try and decipher the scenario.
Upon first glance, it had seemed that the women and children were gathered for a usual gathering, but upon closer observation, something was off. The looks of the individuals in the room seemed to differ. Some women seemed relieved, others looked almost proud, and others...well, the last of the women looked as if they were being held there against their will.
As the monster-of-a-man continued to scan the room, he finally managed to find you, standing in the center of the room, your head held high; however, you looked exhausted, broken. It brought that familiar discomforting feeling to Sukuna, the same feeling when you had spoken those words after you had burned down your village.
"What is this, Little Flower?" Sukuna questioned with some amusement behind his voice, masking his indifference.
"Do not call me that," you spoke, your voice barely above a whisper as it softly echoed in the room.
"Y/n-sama ple-"
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" you yelled, successfully silencing the crying woman who had shouted for you.
The atmosphere was tense, and he would tread carefully because Sukuna was no fool.
"What do you want, Little Flower? An apology? I can, obviously, give that to you, but we both know it would not solve much. So what is it you truly want?"
"To leave..." you weakly announced, watching as Sukuna gradually approached before stopping in his footsteps.
"Well then, Little Flower, you have gathered yourself and all your companions just in time, I was ready to announce our departure from this village. You get what you want, righ-"
"That's not what I want." you interrupted.
Sukuna was silent, his brow twitching in irritation as he stared at you, stopping mid-stride.
"Then what do you want?"
"I want the offer you gave me back on the table?" you quickly responded.
"And what offer would you be referring to, Little Flower?"
"On my very first inspection with my twins, you offered me to kill everyone in this room– I want to change my answer."
Your husband chuckled, "Do you not think the circumstances have changed a little, my dear? I gave you that option years ago, what makes you think that is something I am still willing to offer?"
"Because you love me..."
"Now you are willing to embrace that love?"
"Only if you do this one last thing for me. I will let you love me until my last mortal days, and me in return, just as long as everyone in this room dies."
A sly smirk, "As you wish, Little Flow-"
"By my hands!" you interjected.
Delight was an expression that Sukuna could not hold back at those words.
"It's a deal, Y/n."
"Perfect."
With those words sealing the pact, you took no further wait in your next actions. You ignored all the shouts and screams of those who wished to live, ridding yourself of whatever empathy you once had– you had to admit, it made things a lot easier when setting the room ablaze. Hearing their screams of agony and pain was a lot easier when you managed to wash out the humanity within you.
You could only feel relief after hearing all the shrieks and wails die out into nothing but silence. The room was filled with nothing but fire, bone, and ashes, the smell of burning flesh was prominent; however, that did not stop him from approaching you.
"I love you, Little Flower." Sukuna proclaimed, bringing his forehead to yours before softly kissing you.
He pulled away to look into your eyes, admiring them momentarily before smiling softly. Some may have mistaken it for a look of endearment, but it was a look of satisfaction. He had successfully taken your pride, dignity, and hope– he had taken all of you.
"I love you too."
And because you had no pride, dignity, or hope, left to hold on to...
It made it so much easier to bring that poison-coated dagger to your flesh and slit your belly.
For Sukuna everything went in slow motion, immediately swatting the dagger from your hand to the ground before cupping your wound, blood covering his hand in seconds. The desperate individual tried using his reverse curse technique to revert the damage, but it was pointless as you were resisting. For the first time in a long time, Sukuna felt genuine fear as he watched you slowly slip away from reality. And as everything started to play back to speed, Sukuna had a realization.
"Where is our daughter?!" The four-armed monstrosity yelled upon notice of your empty arms, continuing at attempts to stop your bleeding with little success.
Your smile made his heart drop.
"Gone." you sputtered, blood slipping from your cooling lips before going completely limp.
"...Gone where? Little Flower..."
"Little Flower!"
"LITTLE FLOWER, ANSWER ME!"
"Y/N!!!!!!!!"
You upheld your deal...you loved him for your last mortal days, it just so happened that day was seconds into a day, and as Sukuna sat there holding your motionless form, he could not have regretted anything more in his life. Making that deal was the best thing to happen in your life because in the end...
...You won the game of Survival.
And you hoped that your daughter could one day do the same.
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Until the epilogue yall... (`∀´)Ψ
Taglist:
@littlemochi @mistalli @youngbeansprout @bbylime @bangtan-forever1479 @idktbhloley @izayas-rings @o3o-aya@pyschopotatomeme @persephonehemingway @otomaniac @meforpr3sident @fourcefulcupid @nezuscribe @my-simp-land @zukuphilia @niya729 @spiritofstatic @bbittersw33t @kashasenpai @decaysan @honeybaegle @ygslvr @outrofenty @esposadomd @ali2426 @anmath @yazzzmints @lovingnahida @sincerest-one @rosemaydone321 @j0dios @k-ki3rd @maki-zenin1944 @shadowywizardarcade @ae-mius @xiangping-28 @loaves4me @aloraaaxcrystalzx
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haute-honey · 2 days
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I feel like shaking the table in honor of the last day of this mercury retrograde.
DISCLAIMER: Astrology is subjective and should never be looked at as definitive. So, when you're viewing astro observations or notes, please take it with a handful of salt. Including this post. This spiritual shit is meant to teach you more about yourself, not to solve all your problems or give you the answers to life's biggest questions.
scorpio sun is the worst scorpio placement to have and I wish you all would stop including them with other scorpio placements bc they are totally different vibe.
taurus' placements are who yall think scorpio placements are.
also, taurus men 🤝 sabotaging their own attractiveness.
Why don't we also talk about how having heavy Saturn placements, Venus-Saturn, Saturn in 7th, etc. as a young person makes you more susceptible than the average young person to being groomed/sexually assaulted by older individuals?
I hope that everyone of you who hold on to the stereotype of libras being liars meets a libra who is not only not scared of being honest, but cuts you deeply with the truth 🙃
scorpio moon women 🤝 never forgiving your father for mistreating your mother.
Black gemini sun men 🤝 loving white/racially ambiguous women.
Pisces men 🤝 lacking authentic charisma
What is with aquarius suns and being able to articulate themselves or a situation in an intellectual manner but still ending up in the stupidest, avoidable, thoughtless circumstances? Like does your brain work or not?
I think people with prominent aquarius placements tend to like the idea of being perceived as intellectual rather than doing the actual work or feeling the brunt of being an intellectual. For example, J. Cole the rapper (aqua sun) appearing to be very "woke" in his earlier work just for him to expose himself later on by saying he doesn't even read books..................
Oh to be a woman with prominent libra placements or stellium... you encounter jealousy from all genders and its unfair because no matter what we they do, people will still send the evil eye regardless. Avoid being in situations where you're the big fish in a small pond.
not an observation but really wish yall would stop tagging shit that has nothing to do with astrology or astrology observations. yall annoying af.
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luimagines · 2 days
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Two in a Bush
Another commission!
They asked for Reader getting separated in a dungeon and Wild panics to find them. :D 
Masterlist
Content under the cut!
Wild wasn’t sure what to expect of a place like this.
He didn’t have anything like this in his world. He had the Divine Beasts that he had to figure out but those were giant mechanical weapons. Not some fortress that had a hidden secret at the end. 
Comparing the two- he supposes they aren’t all that different. From the monsters, to the puzzles, to even the multiple floors for a few of them, Wild could confidently say that he still had no idea what he was doing. Luckily, many of the others seemed to have more than enough practice and experience to go around. Wild was more than happy to leave the spearheading to them.
It gave him an excuse to look after you instead.
You were a special circumstance amongst this group of heroes. It caught Wild’s attention in more ways than one.
It was just unfortunate that you had zero fighting experience like the rest of them. Not that he personally considered it a fault of yours, don’t misunderstand him, but the idea of being with a group that does nothing but fight without being able to fight didn’t sit right with him. Granted, he was happy and delighted by the idea that you came from a place where you could live normally. It made him jealous in a good way. He wanted that for himself as well- but you would have had it from the beginning and that’s something that he knew he would never achieve.
However this also meant that they would have to be on the lookout for you specifically. Without any knowledge of how to properly defend yourself, it meant that they would have to pick up the slack.
Not that they would ever phrase it that way and much less to your face. Wild had thought that he could take the opportunities to look cooler and more heroic in an attempt to catch your attention but even he knew that it was a fool’s dream to picture it that way… That didn’t stop him from day dreaming though.
Regardless, he stuck by your side as the group explored the dungeon, sword at the ready and willing to defend you if needed.
You seemed content to explore the dungeon just like the rest of them, keeping pace and looking around with childlike wonder on your face. It made Wild smile.
Suddenly, the group was attacked.
Everyone sprang into action, Wild included to take down the threats in the new room. While there was usually only a handful per section, this room had an unusually high amount of monsters. It took all hands on deck to diminish the threat and clear the area before they could continue exploring.
Wild was lucky enough to stay behind the larger hoard of monsters, shooting at the threats to help his brother before they broke the line. He switched to his sword and charged ahead, slashing the threats along with the others until there weren’t any left. Tired, but relieved, Wild turned back to you with a smile on your face.
But you were nowhere to be seen.
His heart dropped and so did his sword from his hand. The metal clang echoed in the room. “Guys?”
Many turned their heads to him. 
Wild looked back to the group asking for where you were, prompting them to look around the room as well. Wild didn’t like the looks on their faces as they came to the same conclusion they did.
“Where did they go?” Wind scratched the top of their head.
“Were they pushed out of the room?” Twilight stood straighter, jogging to the entrance for a better look.
Hyrule followed the Rancher without missing a beat. “If they didn’t, then we have a bigger problem on our hands than any puzzle we can find in this dungeon.”
Wild could feel his anxiety rise within him. You were right there. How could he lose you? There’s still more monsters to go through. You can’t fight them. You can’t. He needs to find you. He needs to find you now.
“Oh hello.” Legend whistles, calling the attention of the others. “Champion, were you over here at first?”
Wild turns around and nods. “Yeah, I tried to keep them here so they wouldn’t be cornered so easily if they had to run.”
He doesn’t like the look on Legend’s face. There’s a panel on the wall but Wild didn’t think much of it at first.
Legend points to it. “Who wants to bet they’re on the other side?”
“What?” Warrior furrows his eyebrows. “What does a weird wall with a human shape have to do with-”
Legend grins and places himself in the human imprint. The wall spins suddenly with a quiet whirr and returns to its original position. Without Legend in it.
Wild doesn’t want to waste any time. He runs to the panel despite the cries of the other boys, too in shock over Legend’s disappearance to stop him from doing the same. He places his back to the metal and gasps as it spins just as it did for the Veteran.
He comes face to face with another room entirely and takes a step away. The wall stays the same. 
Legend dusts himself as he takes in the new room. He’s looking at the map they collected earlier, trying to figure out where they go and where this would lead. He’s scratching the side of his head, pushing his hat to a dangerous edge where it could fall off with one movement. He looks perplexed. He doesn’t seem to like what he’s seeing. Wild doesn’t want to think about going into uncharted waters and what that could mean for you.
Wild scans the room as well. There’s some more monster hidden in the shadows to his left and there’s a deadend to his right. In front of him, there is a hallway just beyond the room but there’s another exit just ahead of the monsters.
The monsters notice him and begin to make their way closer to the duo. The wall behind them spins again, signaling the arrival of a third member but Wild pays no attention to it.
He still can’t find you so he takes off running, picking a random exit in hopes that it leads him to where you could be. How far could you get in such a short time? Surely he could catch up in time before something happens, right?
He hears the Four call after him but he pays no mind to it. Footsteps begin to echo behind him along with the muffled cries of the monsters as they were shot on sight.
Wild takes a deep breath and looks around. He finds a new spot but there’s still no sign of you, even as he desperately begins to call for your name. There’s more monsters in this new room and he’s quick to deal with them. His building panic and frustration adds fuel to the fire as he channels it into a quiet rage to kill the offending beasts.
Once the room is empty, it remains empty. Not wanting to waste any more time, Wild turns on his heels and runs out as fast as his feet can carry him. 
He’s already lost. He doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know where the others are, nor does he hear them anymore. His breath is the only sound to surround him. It comes out haggard and stunted. He coughs- feeling a drop of saliva attempt to go down the wrong pipe.
Wild whips his head up, not bothering to continue catching his breath. He starts running again, finding a new path into a new room. There’s more monsters and he deals with them as quickly as the prior ones. 
Panic has fully set into his bones as each turn produces more and more failure.
Tears well up in eyes and in his frustration, Wild punches the wall. He hurts his hands more than he hurts the wall.
As in response, he hears a sound. It’s muffled and faint, but he can hear the familiar cry of rage and determination just beyond the bricks and mortar. It’s a battle cry.
It sounds like you.
Spurred on by the sound, Wild goes on the attack. He beats the wall with everything he has before the ground beneath him gives way. He tumbles and instinctually tucks himself into a ball. Wild wraps his arms around his head and uses his legs to try and gain control of his graceless descent. He eventually comes to a grinding halt and he unfurls himself from the positions he’s put himself in.
He is only inches away from the edge of what appears to be a cliff. His heart jumps at the sight as he rolls away.
Wild, remembering why he had tried to get through the wall to begin with, pushes himself to his feet.
A monster cries before it dies, quickly followed by more and more sounds of pain and anger. Another battle cry rings out, this time much more clear than what Wild had heard previously. 
It is most definitely you.
Wild looks over the edge hesitantly. It would be great if he had finally found you… But it would be a hit to his psyche if he were to see you in battle. He’s afraid of what he might see. Are you hurt? Are you terrified?
He looks over anyway.
Instead of terror, he’s pleasantly surprised to see that same determined look on your face that he’s seen on so many other faces. Your eyebrows are closely knit together and there’s a glint in your eyes that he’s never seen before.
They’re hardened and sharp. There’s an ax in your hand that you no doubt stole from one of the monsters you must have come across. You look angry and there’s multiple splatters of blood over your clothes and exposed skin. The fabric that covers sticks to your body from the sweat you’ve produced from the intensity you’ve put into defending yourself. 
Wild finds himself glued to your figure. You fight ferociously even though your lack of training is evident. He watches you with his jaw agape and his hand on the handle of the sheikah slate. He’s entranced. This is hot.
The sheikah makes the familiar sound of a picture being taken before he reaches for his bow. From above, he aims for the monsters that come against you. His attacks throw the monsters into confusion as they search for the second hidden threat. The distraction gives you the perfect opportunity to strike them back and finish them off.
Once the last of the monsters has fallen, its body fallen beside the others, you take the last remaining part of your sleeve and wipe your forehead. You smear the blood splotches over your cheek in the process. Wild takes another picture. You look up, using your hand to try and block out any competing light and see him.
Wild snaps one more picture, hoping that it catches the way you instantly relax and smile up at him. He hopes he catches the way your eyes light up at the sight of him and the way you’ve held the weapon high in the air in greeting, making it look more like a victory stance over your enemies. He waves back enthusiastically. He’s never felt more proud in his life. “You did it!”
“Link!” You cry back and drop the weapon. You run close to the cliff, craning your neck to your sight on him. “You found me!”
Maybe you didn’t hear him.
Wild shakes his head affectionately and takes a few steps back. He doesn’t see your eyebrows furrow again or the confused tilt to your head. Instead, Wild takes a running leap and jumps off of the cliff. He opens up the paraglider and uses it to glide down safely to where you stand.
You run to him before he hits the ground, nearly tackling him as he lands. Wild wraps his arms around you instinctually, calming his pounding heart now that you’ve returned safely to his arms. You take in a shuddering breath and tuck your face into the crook of his neck. You feel inclined to repeat yourself. “You found me.”
“I wouldn’t stop searching until I did.” Wild whispers. He pulls back and wipes the remaining blood off of your face. “What happened? How did you end up here?”
You smile sheepishly and scratch the back of your neck. “During that first fight, I got pushed back far enough into the wall. It spun around and next thing I knew, I was in another room. I saw the monsters on the far end and figured that it would be better to not be spotted. I snuck out and only ran into more monsters so I kept going. Next thing I know I ended up down here and couldn’t not fight back.”
“Where did you even get the ax?”
“I stole it.”
Wild snickers and finally lets you go. His hands rest on your shoulders, rubbing them affectionately. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
You grin in return, putting on a smirk. “I just pretended they were customers on Black Friday. I’ve always wanted to fend them off with a stick.”
He has no idea what that means. “Ok- but you had an ax and they were monsters.”
“...High stakes Black Friday shoppers.”
Wild hangs his head in defeat. He tries his hardest to not laugh at your facial expression. It seems as if you know what you’re talking about at least, so it’s a small comfort. “Alright. Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
“Are the others waiting for us?” You take his hand, stepping in time with him as he takes a good look around this new area. For the better part, it looks like a ditch with no way in or out- except for above.
“Sooomething like that.” Wild chews on his lip, switching to his climbing gear. He picks you up with zero hesitation, throwing you onto his back and he begins to scale the wall. You yelp and shriek, hitting his back as he climbs.
“Hey! A warning would have been great!”
“Hang on. I got this.”
“...Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
You snort. He’s ignoring your tone on purpose. Slowly, you adjust yourself on his back so you don’t fall off and wait until he’s reached the top. Once he lets you down, you smack the back of his head.
He blocks it effortlessly, leaning in instead to kiss your cheek. There’s laughter on his breath as he checks you out once more.  “I hope you're ready for a lot of walking. I’ll have you know that we are very lost.”
“Are we?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Oh.” You think for a moment and look back at Wild. You end up chewing on your lip as well. “Are we in trouble?”
“You? No. Me? Most definitely.”
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daycourtofficial · 2 days
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Personal update below
Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood
Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.
I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.
My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.
The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.
Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.
So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.
I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.
Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.
I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.
Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.
I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.
There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.
This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.
Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.
Yours,
V ❤️
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weirdgenetic-fuckup · 13 hours
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No Nut November - Slash
A/n: This is my personal favourite but that might just be because Slash is my favourite, him and duff... might have to write something with the both of them...
Warnings: Smut, no nut November, oral sex(f receiving), fingering(f receiving), cum eating, slight breeding kink??, if you think I missed anything please let me know otherwise enjoy the final part to this short series :3
Intro
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To be honest, he had no idea what the bet was. He tuned everything out and didn’t think twice about it. Axl called him later and told him no fucking before Steven. That made no sense to him and he just went home to go about his time.
When he got home he tried to explain it to you over dinner. Which was hard when he didn’t know what he was talking about in the first place. He managed to get the point across about not having sex for the month of November, you were upset but given the circumstances let it pass. You didn’t want to be missing out on a whole month of sex, however something you hadn’t thought about until the next.
You were downstairs making breakfast, as per usual because your manchild doesn’t know how to cook. Frankly you don’t want him to try, you like your house nice and not burn down. You were getting the plates set up when you remembered you had to go out of town for a family thing.
You rushed upstairs to your shared bedroom and found Slash stretched out over the bed. You gently shook him awake and told him about it. “So even if we wanted to do something we couldn’t!” You exclaimed. Slash stared at you blankly, clearly not awake.
“Alright.” He mumbled and face planted into his pillow. You smiled at him, brushing his hair out of the way and giving him a kiss on his forehead.
“Breakfast is ready, by the way.” He groaned.
You went about your day as you usually did, taking some time to pack your bags. You crawled into bed with Slash and he curled up nice and tight to you for a last night together before you left in the morning, likely before he’d wake up for breakfast.
Since you weren’t home for the majority of the month this challenge was easy for you. Slash called whining about it to you more than once but nothing ever actually happened, more often than not one of you would end up talking the other to sleep which was more than welcomed.
When you got back it was between him and Izzy but that was quick to end. Slash came home tired and hugged you from behind while you were cooking. “Izzy’s out.” He mumbled into the crook of your neck.
“Oh, yeah?” You responded. “That means you’re the only one left, right?” Slash was silent for a moment as he thought about it. In the end he never did give you an answer.
Slash dropped to his knees behind you and pulled your pants down. “When the fuck did you get these?” You looked down at him, cheeks red and brows raised in confusion. Slash shook his head and tore your panties off of you before forcefully spreading your legs and licking your flushed cunt.
You abandoned your cooking, turning the stove off while you could as Slash’s tongue worked tirelessly between your folds. You gasped at the feeling, holding onto the counter as he held you down on his face. He sucked your clit and dipped his tongue into you, eating you up so deliciously you could’ve cum right then and there.
Slash pulled back and stood up behind you, harshly bringing you to the island behind you so he could bend you over it. He pulled himself out of his jeans and gave his cock a few strokes as he stared down at your ass. “Been waiting too long for this.” He gleamed in that soft, raspy voice of his before pushing himself all the way into you.
He groaned loudly behind you while you let out a high pitched whine against the cold marble under you. He didn’t waste a single moment before pounding into you, gripping your hips with a bruising hold.
Oftentimes Slash wasn’t quiet, especially when he was needy or pent up and right now he was both. The house filled with echoed sounds of skin slapping on slick skin, your whines and Slash’s grunts and moans.
Your body bounced up and down the island surface with every thrust. Slash couldn’t take his eyes off of where your bodies met, where he disappeared into you before pulling out and pushing back in. He watched in pure amazement as you took him all in with ease.
“Slash! Slash, ‘m gonna-gonna cum!” You whined, hands twitching as your body quickly lost control of itself.
“Fuck, me too, ‘m gonna cum inside.” He said and with a few more thrusts he sent you over the edge. Your body quivered as you squirt on his dick. Slash followed you over and came inside you, coating your gummy walls in a thick layer of his seed just as he said he would.
Of course he didn’t even think to give you a moment to recuperate. He pulled you up and spun you around to face him, crashing his plump lips against yours. You could still taste yourself on his tongue as it danced with yours, saliva mixing together and dribbling down your chin in his haste to feel good.
He groped your body, ass, chest, whatever he could reach. He pulled you tight to him and tugged on your skin, slapping your ass and shoving a finger or two into you just to make you squirm. He hoisted you up onto the counter, lined himself up and slid into you, getting into a rhythm and hitting that spot in you that had you seeing stars.
Fuck, you loved the way he made you feel. His mouth never left you as he rut into you like a dog, desperate for release once more. He was a whining mess as he got closer, in turn bringing you closer as well.
You moaned loudly in his ear while he sucked on the sensitive skin of your neck. One of his hands was buried in your hair, tugging on it gently, while the other went to rub your clit, overstimulating you a bit.
You gripped his shoulders. Your nails dug into his back and without warning he came in you again. He paused for a moment, cock still stuffed deep inside of you as he processed what just happened. Once he had, at least mostly, he continued fucking you. He’d lost any sense of rhythm and you were sure he was overstimulating himself at this point so you gently pushed him back.
“‘M ok, Slash, don’t have to keep going.” You assured, though you weren’t thrilled with the idea. Slash stopped again and pulled out and went back on his knees. His lips suctioned to yours as he ate you once more, though now he was licking his own cum out of you. He didn’t seem to care, all his mind was set on was making you cum and when his lips latched onto your clit and sucked, his tongue swirling around it while he looked up at you with the sweetest puppy eyes you couldn’t help it.
You squirted on his face, your cum mixing with his as it hit his chin, getting in his mouth. He didn’t pull away until he was sure you were done.
He stood up and wrapped his arms around you, burying his sticky face in the crook of your neck. He pulled you off the counter but your legs were shaking so bad you couldn’t hold yourself up. Slash wasn’t in much better condition and slowly lowered the both of you to the ground so he could hold you properly.
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ciderjacks · 3 days
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weird list of life lessons I’ve learned from age 18-19 because i think I had a character development arc lmao
Things do get better, they also get worse. Nothing stays the same, but if you just keep going then even the worst shit will be ok.
self perception and little individual labels are so unimportant. You are the things you do. Work on yourself instead of worrying about your various categories.
happiness isn’t that hard to find if you’re not expecting anything. So many little things are what make life worth it.
self pity gets you nowhere. You get to decide how you’re going to respond to your circumstances, and as good as it can feel, sitting in a pit of “this is so unfair, I can't believe this is happening to me” only makes you feel worse.
on the flip side: self pity isn’t the same as letting yourself feel bad. You need to let yourself feel like shit, and you need to acknowledge those shitty feelings, otherwise they pile up and consume you and that's how you end up in the self pity hole. When I was walking a few days ago, I felt really weird, and I realized it was because I felt upset about letting the last year of my life go. Once I acknowledged that, I instantly felt better and I haven’t struggled with that since.
It’s possible to find joy in the shittiest situations, this doesn’t make them any less shitty, but it makes you more equipped to roll with them and not get stuck in your own head.
I already said this but seriously labeling your identity is so unimportant. I was so far up my own ass in high school, I had to label every little feeling and experience, and I was so obsessed with how I was perceived, and then I went to college and had to learn the hard way that I just am who I am, and I am what I do. Your desires to be perceived a certain way, obsession over embodying whatever you perceive yourself as, is not doing anything good for you. Identity can be important, but if you’re obsessing over it, maybe take a step back and ask yourself if it matters.
you are never going to stop having to work on yourself, change, especially positive change, isn’t something that happens to you, it's something you work for.
Negative experiences are unavoidable, and important to have. If I’d avoided all the shitty stuff in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Lessons are in everything.
People probably care about you a lot more than you think they do.
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torchickentacos · 4 months
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amrv-5 · 2 months
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survived Badly (argh) but going to work on fic for as long as I continue to enjoy doing so then switch over -- see if I can find somewhere to watch The 400 Blows and probably cry forever and dehydrate and feel soooo sad and then feel better after. Thank you French New Wave
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shadowglens · 3 months
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also i feel like i need new friends
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syncrovoid-presents · 2 months
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Does anyone have advice for things to do on your birthday (after friends tell you they're too busy to do anything and/don't want to do anything)?
It's coming soon and the weather isn't the best for hiking to stores or anything but I might grab a cake and some ice cream, maybe some berries since they're usually too expensive? Who knows! I'll probably just chill I think, birthdays always aren't fun haha
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I downloaded an app that I think is meant to be used for like, detailed food tracking or something, but I instead really just wanted something with this format (color coded calendar days) so I could put in one single simple entry a day to kind of rate my day overall (based on physical health symptoms).. which..... looking back over it for the new year since when I first started tracking.. 9 "good" days in about 9 months, so roughly one good day a month LOL...
#A neutral/yellow day is if I felt sick or had any symptoms (nausea. joint pains. headahces. etc.)#to a distracting degree for at least an hour or more at any point in the day - YET it was not so severe or so distracting#that i was completely unable to get anything done. An orange day is if I was so sick or felt so bad#that I completed absolutely nothing that day because my primary focus was basically spending the entire day on whatever#was wrong with me or recovering from that. And a green day is a day that - even if maybe i had a few aches or pains - I was never any#noticable or distracting amount of sick - PLUS - i also got a reasonable amount of things done.#If I don't feel very sick yet I also lack the energy or mental wellness to complete daily tasks then it still counts as a yellow day.#So I guess like.. Yellow is if health was ok but focus was bad OR focus was okay but health was distracting. Green is BOTH focus and#health were mostly okay for a majority of the day with no major setbacks. And Orange is zero focus whatsoever because health is too bad.#There are also 5 categories. the worst is a super dark red and then best is a super bright green but I don't like using them#You have to select a bright red (x_x) emoji face to classify your day as dark red. and I dont like the implication of a 'dead' person face#because of my ocd lmao... it makes me afraid it's some habringer of death (if I select it for that day then somehting terrible will happen#the next day or whatever lol) *** *** *** - so I never use that one. I also feel like the MOST extreme categories should be reserved for#super extreme circumstance like.. I would only do a dark red day if I was literally hospitlaized or something. And same with the bright#green days like.. that would imply I guess that i was both suuuuper productive ANd had basically no symptoms at all all day. like a#Very Very Good day. and I just think that's not even possible. no day ever goes by without me feeling at least a little sick or achey at#SOME point lol... A day with NO headahces or issues or etc would be.... wow... mythical occurence..#I have definitely gotten worse as I got older but even at like 15 or 16 years old I used to take ibuprophen a ton (I dont anymore of course#for stomach reasons lol) and remember having various minor problems here and there I was bothered by a lot#AAANYWAY.. also I count 44 'bad' days ghb... that's losing like.. at least one entire month of time a year.. maybe this is why I have so mu#much trouble getting things done and finishing my projects. BUT thats the point and why I wanted to track that. to like.. see it all laid#out at the end of the year. Maybe I could even compare years. Even though I started late in 2023. It'd be interesting to have a#yearly record of how many good vs. bad vs. neutral days I had in any given year.#(app is called 'Moodflow' on android phones. in case anyone sees this and asks. though I cant vouch for it or any of the features or anythi#ng since.. again. i literally ONLY use the one single feature of rating calendar days. I look at nothing else on there. And I keep my data#off and phone in airplane mode basically at all times so I never get ads on apps. Sometimes i'll mention liking some puzzle game or somethi#and then someone else is like 'yeah i love it but OMG so many ads' and I'm just like.. yeagh.... not for me lol.. but sorry to you. that#sounds annoying certainly..) ANYWAY.. auuugh... a sea of yellow neutrality. better than a sea of orange though. so :'3c
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inga-don-studio · 7 months
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Oh thank the hecking gods- I don’t have to go in for jury duty tomorrow
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leatherbookmark · 2 years
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sitting and thinking (in the context of my fic but also in general) about the things about jgy that lxc doesn’t know, but specifically those that wwx KNOWS but won’t tell him. because that would make him soft, and we don’t want that
#like this is so infuriating#in the novel... there literally is no last scar on wwx's forearm. there's no Imperative forcing him to solve the mystery Lest He Dies#and yet. and yet. the way lxc's reluctance to hop on the detective xianlock weimes train is almost framed as this... irritating obtuseness#and like i KNOW jgy did those things that lxc didn't want to believe he did. but wwx's approach is so impersonal sometimes#it Is just a mystery and uncovering it is fun for him. and i guess in a mystery novel it's also exciting for the detective to find all the#clues and exclaim that it was the butler that did it! but ignoring the circumstances that led the butler to do it to em is just Mean Okay#especially since we're holding in our hands a How Wei Wuxian Did It To Em: The Novel#that's the way it starts: wei wuxian the murderous yiling laozu! thank god he's dead! and then we find out that he wasn't an one-dimensional#villain! but while wwx can sort of say SAME HAT about the way jgy becomes the scapegoat in the span of like one day... as many people#before me said they have exactly zero feelings about each other. Nothing. and it's not a bad thing! it's interesting and ironic and makes#you lie down and go AAAAAA WHAT IF...!!!#but going back to lxc. he seems to know that jgy killed his father and that qin su was his sister but he wasn't at the lotus pier when the#cultivators talked about it and theorized about What Else he Definitely Did#wwx didn't tell him a thing about the brothel or meng shi's body. and i'm just very horizontal about it. i need to lie the fuck down#i still after 84 years have Not read the extras but like. is lxc sitting out there? wasting away? Uninformed? PROBABLY HE IS YEAH#because it's not like wwx cares particularly and at this point i think lwj would mentally spit if not piss on jgy's grave for hurting lxc#so they have zero business telling him stuff that might frame jgy in another more nuanced light. but also even if they did. then what?#hey this guy you were tricked into killing because you thought he didn't do murders but he did and it flipped your view of him upside down#so much that you believed that he genuinely would attack you? yeah about that we think he might have just wanted to get his mother's body#back. yeah from this temple where he essentially deified her. the temple he built where the brothel was. yeah they were treated horribly#out there and like i guess jgy wanted to make sure his mom would never have to suffer like that again or something. anyway thats all yea bye#i'm sad.#shut up shrimp
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gatun-gatunesco · 11 months
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...
#and so i came back here. because in here i can find joy and sorrow. laugh a little and cry a lot because someone made a post i resonate with#it makes me feels understood. a private and intimate place that is also shared at the same time. and strangely; like a home#but i came back without knowing who i am. I see someone else in the mirror. Is that a monster? a sinner? a human? a normal man?#after all that effort leaving depression and self hate from my adolescence behind. from being proud of myself for being different to all me#was all a lie? how could i do such awful and terrible thing to the person i swore to protect? the person i love the most#i said i would never do that kind of unforgivable act. And here i am. Alive after the event. I want to drop dead. To dissapear from here.#But at the same time i want to fix what i did. in order to do that i need to heal. to change. be happy. to live. and i hate it#how can i do all of that with the weight of guilt crushing me and telling me i killed myself that day? i am just a shell of who i was#how to change what i thought was the best version of me? i was supposed to be different no harmful and kind man!!!#i already asked for help. and they told me it was not all my fault. But i still think it is. There is no way it can be 50/50#physical actions are only responsibility of the ones who made it. circumstances are not a reason to diminish them guilt#a confused person is not deserving of any part of the guilt. they do not have control over themselves. but the other ones sure have it#yes. they might have started and added little physical actions. but i refused and it never came to completion. which is the opposite of min#physical trauma can spawn emotional and mental trauma as well. is way more bad and deep that the emotional one i might have#i want to kill that trash in front of the mirror. why are you still living bitch? just to be a parasite and hurt people on the go?#to make irreversible mistakes that affects every person around you? your decisions never end well. why do not you just give up already?#and yet here i am. trying to not isolate myself thanks to the safe place i found here. I can write what is on my mind. gives me some relief#because the only person i talked everyday is the same one i hurted as i never thought i would in my life#Hope i can found redemption one day. I hope they can heal and be happy soon and forever.#I am going to always be worry about them (i am sure of that) but i wish nothing but the best for them. I want nothing to hurt them again.#They never deserved the trauma and guilt. They suffered more than enough way before i step in and fucked up everything.#Life. if you can hear me. Please give them recovery. happyness. health and lots of love. They deserve it. Please#They did nothing wrong! Take them pain away and put it in me. I will stay alive just for that if is neccesary#I wanted to kill myself way long ago. but i still here. I might want to kill myself again. but i still will be here.#Just leave them be happy. That is what i really want
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be-good-to-bugs · 7 days
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maybe i am cool and fun to be around. i feel like people dont like me but ive hardly been around anyone in so long so i have no proof of that.
#the bin#there have been some people who seemed to wanna be friends. i wish it couldve happened.#there was one of my sisters old coworkers who said they wanted to be friends. i really wanted to get to know them and hangout but i didnt#have tbeir contact info and my sister kept randomly having falling outs with them bc shes the worst#they stopped wanting to be around my sister. apparently they still wanted to be my friend but i never got her contact info#she seemed so cool. she showed me her los and monster high collection one of the few times we hung out. i wish we coulda watched#barbie movies together or smth. but no.#how do you meet people? where do you meet people who like the some kinda stuff you do? is it all just luck based?#ive been thinking music shows might be a good idea to try n meet people. that seems to be where a lot of people meet their cool alt friends#i wish i wasnt so lost on how social stuff works. others seem to just make friends wherever. but whenever i talk to people it ends quickly#how do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? some people will meet somone once in a circumstance where theyd never run into them again#and theyll become friends. how do they do that? i know its not luck. how do people have conversations in ways that lead to that?#how do you even learn you have these common interests or that you just like their personality? i hardly know what to talk about that isnt#immediately relevant. i do pretty well socially in work settings bc i can make some casual conversation but its all pretty enpty#i feel so awful every second of the day. nothing distracts me from it. i just wanna talk to someone. watch a show with someone#hold soneones hand. not be alone all the time.#i miss telling jokes. its like such a big part of me and how i interact with people. i have bareky gotten to joke around with anyone in#months. i think that especially is crushing me honestly#i just. i feel SO BAD. every day feels so long and horrible. its only one more month and then things will change at least somewhat but#everyday is so hard to get through. every hour feels like forever. i hate it. i can do anything to feel better#i feel empty of everything besides horrible feelings
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myname-isnia · 2 months
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Just cried for two hours straight. It seems that no good mood of mine can last for too long.
#what has it been. a day?#one good day was enough to convince me that maybe not all hope is lost. maybe I can still feel happy#and what a day it was. I’m not surprised I let myself believe that I will be okay. who wouldn’t#I’d give anything to feel like that again. to feel like that all the time#it feels like a glimpse of a parallel universe#one where I’m happy. where I find joy in what I create. but it’s not real. none of it is#it’s a passing feeling. it envelopes me whole until I feel all warm and fuzzy and then douses me in freezing water#it never lasts more than a day or two. then I’m right back to who I really am#a miserable wreck who’d rather die than face what the future might bring#because the future feels both unbearable and nonexistent#I tend to say that the happy and creative girl who finishes art pieces in a matter of hours and types up thousands of word of fic#who rambles on and on without stopping. spurred on by nothing but her imagination#is my real self. that I feel like I’m becoming myself again when I get like that#but that’s just not true. that’s not who I am. not someone I ever was#I never had a pre traumatised self. maybe that is who I would have grown up to be if the circumstances were different#but this is the way things are. the way I am. that girl doesn’t truly exist#if she did she’d be here more often than once in a blue moon#may I should have let go of those stupid dreams of one day being okay long ago#I can’t even say ‘okay again’ because I never have been. it’s almost like I was born broken#maybe then I wouldn’t cry my eyes out every time I’m so harshly reminded of it#no matter how many times this happens I fall for it over and over again. time to accept that none of it is real#nothing makes me happy. not really. it just distract me from my mind long enough for me to catch a tiny break from all the misery#then it call comes rushing back. I don’t even like astraphobia anymore. and I was so so excited when I wrote it and didn’t hate myself#everything fades. everything disappears. all that’s left are the ruins of the girl I never got to be#I keep sobbing my heart out all alone. practically begging for someone to notice and care and tell#me all the pretty lies I’m so desperate to hear and will believe without a doubt. I keep getting excited about something only to#lose my spark within days if not hours. I can barely even look at myself. I make myself sick#I hate myself and everything I’ve ever created#I don’t even know if I’ll make it to my 18th birthday. I can’t promise that I will. I can’t find a single reason to#there’s nothing to look forward to. no future ahead of me. no beautiful afar like in that old song. there’s no point
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