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catysharksstuff · 5 months

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Femininity

In the year 2023, what even is “femininity”?

I have always identified as female, but I couldn’t tell you why exactly that is. As in, is it because I was born in the 70s and that decade was very binary in terms of what a baby “was”? And then did I just grow up that way? And had I been born in a different decade, or into a different family, would I have identified differently?

I’m not sure that’s the full story, honestly. Even as a young kid I was absolutely, stereotypically feminine. All the girlish trappings were either mine or what I desperately wanted. Pink was my favourite colour, Barbie was my favourite toy. I wanted to grow up to be a ballet dancer, or, failing that, an ice dancer. My favourite show was a VHS tape my grandfather made for me called, according to the crusty, self-adhered strip, “dance, then Kirov ballet”, where bless his old Scottish heart, he had faithfully taped any bit of dance that floated across his television, for his small granddaughter all the way across the world in Pakistan. As a kid, I loved being a girl and I never thought of being otherwise.

It probably helped that I was an adorably pretty young ‘un. I had big blue eyes and blonde hair, preferred dresses to shorts, and the most devastating thing that happened in my young life was when, some time around the age of six or seven, my mother CUT OFF MY HAIR, and when it grew back it was BROWN not BLONDE, and I cried because I was suddenly “ugly”.

Funny, thinking back on it. Was that when all my problems with being a girl originated? Maybe. At least my recollection of my youth is that there was a clear demarcation from when I was “happy and petty” to when I was “sad and ugly” and at some definitive point that was the switch that was made. Looking back, of course, it was never so simple and the before/after likely had more to do with moving (fourth international move by age seven) from Pakistan to the UK. But reflecting, I do think it’s curious that my first thoughts about femaleness - or femininity at any rate (is there a difference? I think there might be) centred on my physical appearance. As in: how I looked, rather than who I was or how I behaved.

Because, for me back then, I don’t think femininity manifested particularly anywhere else. I was as loud as the boys, as argumentative, as boisterous. I didn’t think of myself as a lesser being, and I was well aware that I was a smart kid. Very clever. Annoyingly clever. And I was funny (or I liked to think I was). Now, I don’t know if any of that makes me more or less” feminine” in the tropey sense of the word. But it seems to me that femininity is often associated with gentleness, delicacy, meekness, shyness maybe, or being retiring. That was never me, but it didn’t matter because I was so pretty and cute and pink and blonde. Being a girl was about looking girlish.

That’s not that strange though, perhaps. To my (albeit very uninformed) understanding, gay and lesbian communities still disaggregate somewhat into the “butch” and the “femme” stereotypes, and that seems to go along with appearance. I’m occasionally mistaken for a lesbian. Hilariously so, sometimes. Like those who have mis-categorized me have done so with absolute confidence. Without hesitation. And they tend to be aghast when they learn I am straight, like maybe I tricked them?

So, I wonder what it is that leads them to draw such a conclusion. My brusqueness, maybe? My apparent confidence (assuredly all baloney)? Or is it that I travel solo quite happily? I’m independent and used to figuring shit out for myself (but so are a lot of women! More so than men I would hazard!). And I do also wonder if it’s an attitude thing, or an appearance thing? Because, although I do still love stereotypically feminine things like clothes and shoes and needlework and celebrity gossip: that’s by far and away not my only interests. And those who have done the mis-characterization have more often than not been strangers or very recent acquaintances. Which leads me to think it’s more likely that I appear…less feminine? Or less stereotypically, hetero normatively feminine?

I mean, I ‘m tall and big. Big hands, big limbs, hefty calves and arms and hips. But I also have a pretty classically womanly shape: “like a cello” - as described by a man I dated briefly. I don’t think I’m manly, exactly, although I am not delicate in any way. Would I like to be though? Yes, in some ways I would. I’d like, for example, for my hands to be smaller so that I could actually wear women’s gloves that fit my fingers. It would be nice to have slightly smaller feet, too, since size 10 seems to sell out very quickly (but at least I don’t have to contend with the challenges of being bigger than a 10 - sizes for which shoes are not made unless they are hideously ugly). I would definitely like to have slimmer upper arms, so shirts and tops fit more comfortably. And holy hell I would like to have less annoying hair in places where hair is “not to meant to grow on a woman” (chinhair, anyone?). But I’d like these things, only not at the expense of my strong shoulders and juicy boobs and high arches. So it’s all a bit of this and a bit of that, and who knows what actually constitutes “being feminine”.

It’s such a double…triple…quadruple…edged sword. The very idea of being feminine is at once, for me, incredibly alluring and utterly repulsive. No doubt there’s deep psychological reasons for that, but there’s also the simplicity of not wanting to be fucking categorized, thank you very much. Why can’t I just be exactly what I am? Etc. Etc. Which is a very 2023 thing to say, I’m aware. But I also still belong to that older time where categorizing people was what we did, what we felt we naturally had to do in order to make sense of our world and our surroundings. So - yes - I define myself as female and I am happy enough to be a woman. But what being a woman means, in 2023, is less clear to me. And also, as I get older, it seems as though it becomes somewhat less relevant? Or maybe it’s that as I get older, and get more responsibility in my working life and find harmony in my personal life, the need to belong to a certain category seems less important.

These days I think I’m more “Cate”. Cate the Wife. Cate the Aunt. Cate the Boss. Cate the Friend. Cate the Public Servant. Cate the Sage. Cate the Football-Watching-Banter-Flipping-Buddy. Cate the Gymrat. Cate the So Tired So Old So Crumpled Up In A Heap With No Bandwidth Left But To Scroll Wanly Through Instagram Tapping A Heart On Every Non-ad Contribution.

By which I mean that I’m a whole lot of other disparate identities other than “female”, and I obviously always have been. And it seems that different identities come forward and retreat at different times in my life for a whole host of different reasons. These days my femininity is more important to me in the ways it feeds my empathy and relationship with other women in the ways that we are women and what that means for ourselves and our bodies. And for my relationship, too, certainly, but really only because we have ascribed our genders as we have and not because we necessarily need each other to perform Male or Female to each other. But then I also very, very much enjoyed Friday when I took myself to the mall and spent some of my hard earned allowance on new (pretty!) clothes and skin care and makeup.

It’s still an unequal world, and one in which women are still subjugated and oppressed in ways we as a humanity should have grown beyond. But that’s a much deeper topic and perhaps quite separate to “femininity”. So what is it? And like everything when we get to the point, femininity is whatever you think it is.

#alphabet superset #struthless

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susiephone · 3 years

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Imagine thinking that wanting straight people to be accepting of gay people is a "trap" and not like, literally THE entire goal of the modern LGBT rights movement since its inception

okay. this is in response to me saying “respectability politics is a trap.” which it absolutely is.

but i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here. let’s define respectability politics, shall we?

several people who are more well-spoken than me have talked about this. to quote this article on the subject:

Respectability politics is a school of thought that utilizes respectability narratives as the basis for enacting social, political, and legal change.

Respectability narratives are representations of marginalized individuals meant to construct an image of the marginalized group as people sharing similar traits, values, morals with the dominant group.

essentially, respectability politics is when people in a marginalized group (queer people, disabled people, people of color) wish to be accepted by the majority, and thus present themselves in a way and behave in a way that the majority deems acceptable - and pressure others in their marginalized group to do the same. for example:

“Not all bisexual people are sluts, I’m bi and I’ve been in a committed relationship for 20 years!”

“I’m gay, but I’m not one of THOSE gay guys, I hate shopping and I don’t like to flaunt my sexuality at all!”

“Lesbians aren’t really all masculine, I love makeup and having long hair.”

(I’m using examples I’ve seen in the queer community because I’m queer; I know this happens a lot in communities of color, but I am not qualified to speak on that at all.)

this stems from a desire to be accepted by the majority; for the purposes of this discussion, straight people. we hear straight people say things like “i could never date a bi person, they’re all cheaters” or “i don’t mind gay guys, don’t just shove it in my face” and “why don’t lesbians act like women if they love them?” and, in response, some people go, “i don’t act like that!! you can accept me! i fit in! i’m respectable, i’m not like those guys, they embarrass us!”

there’s also a lot of people saying, “don’t reinforce the stereotype.” as if it’s OUR fault straight people stereotype us.

so this leads to shaming within our own community:

“You’re bi and polyamorous? Wow, way to make people think we’re all two-timing whores.”

“Makeup? Jesus, we get it, you’re gay, you don’t have to make it a pride parade every time you go out.”

“You look like a teenage boy, this is why everyone lesbians aren’t real women.”

and that all boils down to:

“THIS is the example you’re setting? This is the face you show to the world? Don’t you know you’re representing us? No wonder they don’t respect us.”

and that’s the real problem: telling other queer people, “it is YOUR fault you’re not accepted, YOU aren’t acceptable, YOU reinforce these stereotypes, YOU should try and be more respectable, more normal.” and the thing is, “normal” is defined by the majority. THEY decide what is acceptable behavior for us. and guess what?

most of the time, that boils down to, “It’s fine if you’re different... as long as you’re as close to what I deem normal as possible. As long as I can’t tell you’re different.”

in the queer community, this sort of thinking has led to the exclusion of butch lesbians, femme gay men, nonbinary people, non-passing trans people, trans people in general, people who use any pronouns besides she/her and he/him, bisexual people, ace people, aro people, pan people, polyamorous bisexual people, people who have an active sex life, sex workers, people who have changed how they identify, and countless others. these people get shoved aside by the Good Respectable Gays, who are eager to say, “We’re not like them, we’re just like you!” in order to be accepted by the mainstream. and it still doesn’t work. even the most macho, would-never-guess-it gay guy is bound to face some level of oppression or otherness at some point in his life. it doesn’t matter how much he fits in, how much he distances himself from the Unacceptable Queers; it won’t work 100% of the time. how’s that for a punchline?

there is no point in trying to file off the “unacceptable” parts of our community just to please straight people.

if a person hates all queer people, no matter how they act or present, they’re a homophobe.

if a person doesn’t hate queer people, just the ones who shove it in your face and sleep around and won’t shut up about it and buck gender norms and use weird pronouns and expect people to learn their new name and change their identity every week... they’re still a fucking homophobe.

and why the fuck are we trying to please homophobes, again?

so when people say lil nas x is bad, actually, because he “reinforces the stereotype” of gay people going to hell and thinking a lot about sex or whatever, they’re playing right into respectability politics. why can’t he just talk about his sexuality in a normal way? why can’t he express himself in a nicer way? why does he have to use that imagery? why does he have to make straight people uncomfortable?

lis nas x is a gay black man who grew up being told he’d burn in hell for being gay. and he made an awesome song with a legendary music video saying, “fine. i’ll go to hell, just like you want, and it’ll be great. i’ll take the damn place over and make satan fall in love with me. and i’ll have a great time doing it, because i’m proud of who i am, and i won’t apologize for it or be ashamed of it anymore.”

to see that and wring your hands, worrying that a straight person will see it and decide to be homophobic about it, and pinning the blame for that on nas is missing the point.

every time we as a community make ourselves lesser or change the way we present just to be accepted by the majority, they move the goalposts, and someone else gets left behind. and the beautiful thing about the queer community is that there is a place for everyone who is left out in the cold by the straight, cis majority.

“We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” was the rallying cry for a reason. we’re different, you think we’re weird, you think we’re deviant, you don’t get us, and that’s fine, you don’t have to get us. we’re not going anywhere. get used to it.

respectability politics is a game you cannot win. so stop playing.

#respectability politics #queer #queer pride #lgbtq #long post cw #Anonymous

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fandomshatelgbtqpeople · 4 years

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On why “not like other girls” isn’t a useful criticism anymore (and maybe never was)

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about how the way people have been talking about femininity in feminist spaces for the past few years really fails gender nonconforming queer and neurodivergent girls.

In particular, I’ve noticed and seen others talk about the tendency to push the ideas that women never enforce gender norms on other women, never punish other women for not conforming to gender norms, and that female bullies essentially don’t exist because girls would never do that to each other. I’ve also noticed how the “face” of internalized misogyny has become the blatantly queercoded, neurodivergent-coded girl who’s Not Like Other Girls. That’s not an accident.

There are feminist circles made up mostly of women who have never had a problem with being accepted by other women, and their ideas about how girls and women treat each other are very influential. The things is that they don’t realize that how other women treat them and how other girls treated them growing up isn’t universal. They’re unaware that they aren’t accepted just because they’re women but because they’re able to check off a number of conditions that signal to other women that they “belong.” One of the more important conditions is being able to do femininity the right way. They’re unaware that there’s a huge difference between women who can do femininity the right way and choose to subvert it for feminist reasons versus women who can’t do it the right way at all, and that difference has a huge impact on how other women treat you. A lot of these women are probably well intentioned, but that doesn’t make it okay that their viewpoints, which erase women who are marginalized in ways they aren’t, have become so mainstream.

This, of course, has a disparate impact on gender nonconforming queer women, who can’t do femininity right because it leads to things like dysphoria and depression, and autistic women, who often can’t do femininity right because of sensory issues with makeup/tight clothing/certain fabrics, because they’re unable to understand the social rules that govern things like fashion trends or matching clothes, or because their special interests aren’t seen by their peers as acceptable things for girls to be interested in.

The problem arises because women in the first group, the influential feminist circles, seem to have decided that the idea of female bullies is a patriarchal trope pushed by men (girls wouldn’t do that to each other) and that only men enforce gender norms on women (girls are so much more accepting of other girls uwu). Gender nonconforming queer and autistic women, who grew up as gender nonconforming girls, know that this idea is frankly bullshit because they were bullied and ostracized by other girls for not being able to do femininity right or enough, but when we try to talk about this, we’re shouted down by the first group of women as just having internalized misogyny. The entire time I was in middle and high school, I only remember having my appearance insulted by a boy once. It was almost exclusively something other girls did. And yet we’re told that our own lived experiences can’t possibly have happened because “bullying is a boy thing, girls are all friends.” You would think that this conversation would at least be happening in queer circles but even there, gnc queer women are the only ones talking about it, while everyone else is all, “It’s so great how lesbians never enforce gender norms against each other. Anyway, here’s my fanart of a canonically butch character wearing a dress.”

So here’s where the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls comes in. The stereotypical girl who’s Not Like Other Girls is blatantly queercoded and blatantly neurodivergent coded, and that’s not an accident. It’s because those are the girls who are disproportionately likely to be rejected by other girls because of their inability to do femininity right, and that’s something that the women who love to talk about the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls have subconsciously picked up on.

Now, I’m not going to try to claim that no one who thinks they’re not like other girls has a sense of superiority about it, but overwhelmingly, the girls who think that aren’t thinking “I’m not like those dumb sluts.” They’re thinking “why am I not like the other girls.” For me (an autistic lesbian), my Not Like Other Girls phase was never about thinking I was better than everyone else. It was an attempt to explain to myself why I was being picked on and excluded by other girls, even the ones who were my friends. I knew I was different from other girls because I was told that by other girls. And the idea that girls who hang out mostly with boys are doing it because they hate other girls is largely false. Lots of teenage gnc queer and autistic girls hang out mostly with boys because they find that there are fewer unspoken social rules between boys, boys are less judgmental about their appearance than other girls, girls their age are starting to develop interests they find alienating, and/or because they’ve just given up on trying to befriend girls after years of rejection. It’s not internalized misogyny, it’s a trauma response.

All this vilification of the girl who’s Not Like Other Girls really accomplishes is making gender nonconforming girls and women into the main perpetrators of internalized misogyny and gender conforming girls into the main victims. It should give us pause that our idea of a stereotypical victim of internalized misogyny is a thin, blond, pretty queen bee-type and our stereotypical perpetrator is a queercoded, neurodivergent-coded girl with no friends, because it’s a blatant example of homophobia and ableism in mainstream feminism. It’s because the women with the loudest voices want to feel like they’re always the victims and never to blame. It should concern us how many posts are dedicated to condemning girls who think they aren’t like other girls when I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a single post condemning girls who bully other girls for not conforming to femininity. That’s an incontrovertible example of internalized misogyny that’s honestly a much more widespread problem, and everyone either wants to pretend it isn’t happening or has decided they’re okay with.

Gender nonconforming queer and autistic women grow up being ostracized for their gender nonconformity and no one can even make a post telling them its okay to be the way they are without having to add about a dozen disclaimers to avoid hurting the feelings of gender conforming women and still having 20 people in the replies reminding them that “some girls like to wear makeup :)” Meanwhile people will make 380 posts about how feminine girls should be celebrated without a single thought to how that contributes to the alienation and exclusion gnc queer and autistic girls are experiencing. Not everyone needs to learn to love pink or whatever. It’s so okay for gnc women to have deep negative feelings towards femininity as a concept when it was the reason for their abuse at the hands of other girls. That’s not internalized misogyny.

Anyway, I remember around the turn of the decade when the idea of the girl who was Not Like Other Girls really took off and I remember being able to picture exactly who it was about, but looking back, I can’t for the life of me remember whether that person was someone who actually existed irl, or whether it was the result of a popular media trope that everyone just assumed was also a problem irl, or whether it’s always just been the most acceptable women with the loudest voices blaming gender nonconforming queer and autistic women for something we weren’t doing.

mod k

tl;dr - Blaming girls who Aren’t Like Other Girls for internalized misogyny is victim-blaming bullshit. Girls thinking they aren’t like other girls is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

#internalized misogyny #homophobia #ableism #butchphobia #mod k

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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years

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A Letter for Parents from a Parent

Dear Parent,

If you are reading this you are most likely trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and are probably getting lots of conflicting information. You are doing the right thing and can get through this.

I am not an “expert.” I am a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I grew up in a family with several bisexual individuals and I’ve dealt with these issues directly and indirectly all of my life.

Take a deep breath. Read slowly. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. You may be reading this because you suspect, or have discovered, that your child is bisexual, or because your child or someone else has told you so. (Do not assume anything about your loved one based on someone else.) If your child has spoken to you, be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere. If your child has not, create an atmosphere in which he or she can do so when ready.

By bisexuality, I simply mean the physical and/or emotional attraction to both males and females. Most people who identify as bisexual consider it an independent sexual orientation, not a subset of other more widely-recognized categories. Don’t think of bisexuality as a little bit gay (homosexual) and a little bit straight (heterosexual) but as its own orientation with its own characteristics. People often ask why anyone would choose to be gay or bi (shorthand for bisexual). Most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice; you probably don’t. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.

I have no clue how many people experience bisexuality or identify as bisexuals. From what I’ve read experts don’t know either; estimates range from only a few to a whole lot of people. The fact is that scientists define bisexuality in many ways. Until they can agree on a definition, these studies are just good ways to spend grant money.

Some bi people are out and open about their sexuality, but many are in the closet (hiding their sexuality), mainly for fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection. Imagine how hard that must be. A bi person—especially a young one—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your child find safe ways to discover that he or she is not.

Some bi folks have an almost balanced attraction to the genders, while others prefer one gender and are only occasionally attracted to the other, or have a shifting preference. Some people shift their sexual identity and may have long periods where they identify as straight, bi, or gay. Other people drop labels altogether.

What you have done as a parent has not made your child bisexual, but what you do as a parent can contribute to how comfortable and healthy your child is. There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people will assure you that it can be cured or is just a phase. That phase thing is confusing, because some people have felt some bisexual tendencies and then gone on to assume a completely homo- or heterosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences bisexual feelings will. It only means some people experience bisexual feelings that they may or may never act on and identify as gay or straight. Other people live a perfectly happy life identifying as bisexual with feelings that they may or may never act on. Many bisexual men and women have happy monogamous relationships, while some bi people prefer more alternative relationship styles. There are no rules in this area, so I can’t tell you what to expect.

You may have some phases of your own. People finding out that their child is bisexual have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief – and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion – and some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you or your child are uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to a friend or a professional. There are also support groups.

It may help a lot to talk to your child, who will know more about their feelings than all of the websites, books, and experts out there. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. If you don’t know how your child feels, tell them so and ask. You may want to consider sharing with your child any bisexual feelings or experiences that you may have had.

As far as letting others—even another parent—know, your child should decide who will know and when, even if it puts you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how out he or she wants to be and as loved ones we should respect that. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities) and wear the t-shirt, while others are less expressive.

Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues. Like it or not, kids experiment, so you might consider ensuring that your child has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your child making out with theirs. Trust me: It is far worse when the children are the same sex and this was the first inkling that the other parent had. When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, cops, teachers and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even dangerous things. An ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and harm.

The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and bisexual young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen again. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Be there for your kid even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Bisexuals, especially young bisexual men from the age of fifteen to twenty-five years of age, take their own lives at an alarming rate. Don’t let it happen in your family.

As you look around, you may notice that bisexuality is not very visible in our culture. Given how many experience bisexuality or bisexual feelings at some time, you would expect more. But as a culture, we tend to think in terms of a hetero- and homosexual duality; bisexuality just doesn’t come up and isn’t considered in legal, educational, social and health areas. Some groups have also had specific political agendas to exclude bisexuals and have made an effort to institutionalize biphobia (fear of bisexuals) within our culture. This context has a lot to do with a person’s choice to be out about their bisexuality or to stay in the closet, which makes it rude and even harmful to “out” someone (inappropriately inform others about someone else’s sexual identity).

Another common misconception about bisexuals or any LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi, and transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your child has a non-straight sexuality or gender identity does not make him or her any more promiscuous than straight kids. And yes, your son or daughter may know his or her sexual orientation and still be a virgin. Your child’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter: You need to talk to him or her about safer sex. If you haven’t, you should be researching that and talking to your child.

You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl?” “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy? What should I do?” Do nothing yet, because you may be confused. Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most bi people maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgender; this is not linked to homo- or bisexuality. A transperson may be bi, gay or straight. But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your child, because he or she might think there is a certain way they’re supposed to act, such as queeny (stereotypical Hollywood character idea of effeminate gay), butch (stereotypical masculine dyke image) or even androgynous (displaying gender role elements from both masculine and feminine social images—the classic rock star stereotype). Your child is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as he or she feels. And those feelings may change with time.

Bisexuality as an identity was identified by name in the 1800s, though we know that it has been around since Sappho and Alexander the Great. In the last few decades it has strengthened socially. There was an unfortunate time when there was tension between bisexuals and the gay and lesbian community. You will run across remnants, but those wounds continue to heal. In recent years, there has been a lot of growth toward community. There are now organizations, such as PFLAG, to help bisexuals and their families.

By reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. As long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you will ultimately get it right. You will make mistakes, but you can fix them. Love your child, not your bisexual child. Love your child who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who happens to be bisexual.

Sincerely,

Robert L. Barton

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whentherewerebicycles · 5 years

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ive been meaning to ask you for days - you mentioned you don't like 'love is love' 'love wins' and other popular soccer mom phrases for queer billboards (so to speak) which makes me wonder, which ones DO you like/are your faves

eva!!! what a beautiful question to receive! here i have collected 13 passages that, for me at least, express my understanding of queer identity & queer politics so much better than phrases like 'love is love,’ ‘love wins,’ and (my least favorite of all) ‘born this way.” please enjoy!!!

sara ahmed, living a feminist life: “We need to tell each other stories of different ways you can live, different ways you can be; predicated not on how close you get to the life you were assumed or expected to have, but on the queer wanderings of the life you live. I would have liked to have known there were other ways of living, of being. I would have liked to have known that women do not have to be in relation to men.”

the gay liberation front manifesto (1971): “Human beings could be much more various than our constricted patterns of ‘masculine’ and 'feminine’ permit—we should be free to develop with greater individuality. But as things are at present, there are only these two stereotyped roles into which everyone is supposed to fit, and most people—including gay people too—are apt to be alarmed when they hear these stereotypes or gender roles attacked, fearing that children 'won’t know how to grow up if they have no one to identify with’, or that 'everyone will be the same’, i.e. that there will be either utter chaos or total conformity. There would in fact be a greater variety of models and more freedom for experimentation, but there is no reason to suppose this will lead to chaos…Freedom for gay people will never be permanently won until everyone is freed from sexist role-playing and the straightjacket of sexist rules about our sexuality.”

judith butler in conversation with sara ahmed: “What if we shift the question from ‘who do I want to be?’ to the question, ‘what kind of life do I want to live with others?’…If the ‘I’ who wants this name or seeks to live a certain kind of life is bound up with a ‘you’ and a ‘they,’ then we are already involved in a social struggle when we ask how best any of us are to live.”

ivan coyote, butch roadmap: “I grew up without a roadmap to myself. Nobody taught me how to be a butch, I didn’t even hear the word until I was 20 years old. I first became something I had no name for in solitude, and only later discovered the word for what I was and realized there were others like me. So now I am writing myself down, sketching directions so that I can be found, or followed.”

sara ahmed, the promise of happiness: “The moment of queer pride is a refusal to be shamed by witnessing the other as being ashamed of you…The queer who is happily queer still encounters a world that is unhappy with queer love, but refuses to be made unhappy by that encounter.”

leslie feinberg, stone butch blues: “You're more than just neither, honey. There's other ways to be than either-or. It's not so simple. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many people who don't fit.”

judith butler, “imitation and gender insubordination”: “This is not to say that I will not appear at political occasions under the sign of lesbian, but that I would like to have it permanently unclear what precisely that sign signifies.”

audre lorde, “self-definition and my poetry”: “I am constantly defining my selves, for I am, as we all are, made up of so many different parts. But when those selves war within me, I am immobilized, and when they move in harmony, or alliance, I am enriched, made strong. Yet I know there are Black women who do not use my work in their classes because I am a lesbian. There are lesbians who cannot hear me nor my work because I have two children, one of whom is a boy, both of whom I love dearly. There are women, maybe in this room, who cannot deal with me nor my vision because I am Black, and their racism becomes a blindness that separates us. And by us I mean all those who truly believe we can work for a world in which we can all live and define ourselves. And I tell you this. My friends, there will always be someone seeking to use one part of your selves, and at the same time urging you to forget or destroy all of the other selves. And I warn you, this is death. Death to you as a woman, death to you as a poet, death to you as a human being.”

michel foucault, 1982 interview: “I don't feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning. If you knew when you began a book what you would say at the end, do you think that you would have the courage to write it? What is true for writing and for a love relationship is true also for life. The game is worthwhile insofar as we don't know what will be the end.”

maggie nelson, the argonauts: “How to explain, in a culture frantic for resolution, that sometimes the shit stays messy? I do not want the female gender that has been assigned to me at birth. Neither do I want the male gender that transsexual medicine can furnish and that the state will award me if I behave in the right way. I don’t want any of it. How to explain that for some, or for some at some times, this irresolution is OK—desirable, even (e.g., “gender hackers”)—whereas for others, or for others at some times, it stays a source of conflict or grief? How does one get across the fact that the best way to find out how people feel about their gender or sexuality—or anything else, really—is to listen to what they tell you, and to try to treat them accordingly, without shellacking over their version of reality with yours?”

joan nestle, “I’ll be the girl”: “The body seems to be a natural thing, but to get to my body, I had to go through layers of freak, woman, lesbian, fem. As you said so well, we had to find a way to change what being a woman meant. I had to find a place for my body that did not promise destruction. In my earlier years, being a fem made it bearable for me to be a woman.”

cherrie moraga, la guerra: “We are afraid to look at how we have failed each other. We are afraid to see how we have taken the values of our oppressor into our hearts and turned them against ourselves and one another. We are afraid to admit how deeply ‘the man’s’ words have been ingrained in us. To assess the damage is a dangerous act. I think of how, even as a feminist lesbian, I have so wanted to ignore my own homophobia, my own hatred of myself for being queer. I have not wanted to admit that my deepest personal sense of myself has not quite ‘caught up’ with my ‘woman-identified’ politics.”

keaton st. james, “dictionary poem xlix”

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abbeyfangirl · 4 years

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dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum.

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so.

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

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trixter-i-am · 5 years

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On International Nonbinary Day, I’m sharing my personal story of embracing my androgyny.

For me, being non-binary means allowing myself to go beyond the frames I don’t fit into, both according to others’ views and by my own choice. And nonbinary visibility is what helps me understand that I'm normal, to come to terms with myself. It helped me realize that I'm not some sort of a bizarre creature, nor a comedy character, nor an unfortunate exception to the rule. I'm a person, like anyone else. A person who is perfectly aware of all the features of their own personality and looks to break free from conventional stereotypes.

Finally, I can be completely free to tell myself that no, I don’t have to stick to labels. I'm not bound to tropes and stereotypes. I can be more than a "masculine lesbian" , a "strong female character" that doesn’t conform, a "campy gay guy" or a "pretentious metrosexual". All these qualities might as well coexist together within me without any conflict, because why would I conflict with my own character traits and the way I live?

The most beautiful thing is that I am who I am. I don’t have to choose among all my unique features. I'm the whole package and that’s what makes me the person who I am, more so than a name or gender assigned to me at birth.

How long had I been thinking that I never wanted to be a girl, to do the things girls do, to act the way most of my peers or adult women did. And at the same time, I hated the idea of becoming a man when I started thinking that I could be a transgender man. At first, I hated myself for the fact that I would never be able to live as a fully functioning man and have sex like cisgender people do. Yet when I imagined myself with a male body, I realized that I didn’t want to live my entire life in that body. I understood that I didn’t want to be a hundred percent man. I knew there were androgynous people, but at that time, the society was so far away from tolerating homosexuality, not to speak of accepting binary transgender people. And for the most part, people around me didn’t seem to have enough emotional intelligence to not treat me as a threat or a broken cog in the system.

Needless to say my desire to use male pronouns for myself wasn’t taken seriously. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw it, my curvaceous body, sexually appealing by traditional beauty standards, my “pretty” face features, and I was disappointed in myself. I believed that no one would ever perceive me as androgynous, nor as a boy, nor as anyone other than just female body parts. So I tried to socialize as a woman, to make use of this female body of mine, and only allowed myself to be in my natural state when I was at home or with my partners. Some might say, don’t be too soft, everyone does that. Everyone gives in to the rules of this world, everyone wears masks and only let themselves relax when they’re at home. Yet I doubt many people have to play the roles that feel so alien and hated. Even though these roles might have seemed easy at first, since others succeeded.

This incompleteness, this humiliating role, having to be someone I already hated were making it even worse. I didn’t want to go outside, my inner aggression and self-hatred grew inside me tearing me apart. I hated myself and everything I was doing. Everyday, I dreamed of not waking up. Besides, people felt that I was a so-so woman, a strange woman, a woman who doesn’t want to understand what other women do, and doesn’t behave naturally. They saw through me immediately. Well, I know myself that I wasn’t able to get over my feelings to an extent where I could always be comfortable with female pronouns, expectations society keeps putting on women, my female pseudonym and the attitude to myself in general.Everything related to female gender roles was so unnatural to me that it irritated and disgusted me.

When it all went too far, I wasn’t even able to leave home. I was anxious about people not taking me seriously, deeming me insane for using male pronouns while not looking as a bulky masculine man, blaming it all on fanfiction or something like that. Sometimes, I thought the same way, too. I’ve heard them say anyone can live their life normally, settle down, even change their sexual orientation after playing around in their younger ages. They just grow over it, people said. Why wouldn’t I try to pretend that I’m the same? After all, it’s what should make other people around me happy. I started imagining myself starting a heteronormative family, or maybe a lesbian one, and I knew that was it. The best way to dig my own grave and bury myself alive. Childbirth sounded like a sentence. I would never do that to my body, I would never put everything away for the sake of becoming a living incubator. Then, I started imagining living in a male body and all those surgeries to remove body parts or construct an artificial, insensitive penis. Or facial hair growth procedures. I knew for sure that I didn’t want to be a man. I wouldn’t even want to be born as a man. Men’s life experiences are just as far from a fairy tale as female ones.

And yet I knew I wanted to live in-between, break away from being a woman without becoming a man completely. What is that even supposed to be? Is it even possible? Can one survive in this society with such paradigm of thought? Nope, I believed, I must be crazy for sure. And if I’m crazy, if they deem me crazy, then the future holds nothing good for me. What kind of creature am I, not being able to understand who I am, to find a place I belong, to fit in anywhere?

One day, a friend of mine told me they write about people like me on the internet. That such things, have a name and one can say for sure that I’m not crazy. That my identity is one of transgender identities. Moreover, the world wants to know more about nonbinary people, which means there is a chance to be heard, not to be crushed by society, and it’s even possible to embrace the gender you identify with yourself, rather than trying to hide it and get into someone else’s skin. Thanks to the visibility of other nonbinary people, I was able to understand that I no longer had to swing between the two extremes and make painful choices. To tell the truth, I had already stopped trying by that time and lived my life stuck in endless depression, without contact with the world outside, without leaving home. I was sure people like me would never survive and fulfil themselves in a binary world.

When I realized that my androgyny wasn’t just a figment of my imagination but that I could and should always stay true to myself, I set off on my journey to a new life. I started developing my style the way I had always envisioned it, I started becoming myself. Each day, each month, each year I was getting closer to being myself, to finding my place and my voice in society.I managed to step into the light and speak out about who I am and what I want. I stopped being afraid of myself. We’re few in number, but I know for sure that I’m not alone in this world.

#nonbinary day #androgyne positivity #androgynestyle #nonbinary positivity #queer #transgender #androgynous model #international nonbinary day #lgbtq visibility #trans visibility #androgynylooksgoodonme #personal story #androgyne aesthetic

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trans-boy-2004 · 5 years

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my relationship with the word queer

my relationship with the word queer.

i grew up with that being used strictly as a slur. i was born female and have dated females so i was bullied a lot, i still am. two words often used are faggot and queer, common basic insults in the lgbtq+ community.

i heard the word fag first but the first time i heard the word queer was in third grade. a boy in my class (still an uneducated asshole) pushed me down and said, “you fucking queer.” i’m a cryer so shocker i cried. it wasn’t until fifth grade i found out about the meaning of this word.

i was still a closeted baby boy (technically still am closeted as trans but came out as lesbian in sixth grade) so that shit hurt way too much.

frankly now i really identify with the word queer, haha plus after enough times hearing of it as an insult..it’s been good for me to put it in a kinder light. a youtuber called Daniel Howell did a pretty sick video that brings up some amazing points that i’m too lazy to type out. Called basically i’m gay and i highly recommend it to any of you.

i am a teenager, i’m still experimenting a ton. i have dated girls, boys, and people all over the gender spectrum. many people have used that to call me a slut/whore. yeah no. it’s called i’m experimenting and figuring out who i am and i don’t have to explain myself to you. cool thanks.

Yes i do prefer girls, i’ve had the majority of my relationships with females and am most sexually attracted to the biological female body. the majority of my sexual experiences have been with girls and frankly that’s what i’m comfortable with. also it gives me a feeling of masculinity and toughness i guess when i can act more myself and people just seeing me as a butch lesbian. i’m not friendo but i can pull off a more masculine role.

When it comes to males and the biological male body, i have fallen in love with males multiple times before. i’ve had multiple boyfriends that i loved to bits and am lucky enough to still have a few of them as friends. but despite that i have never been sexually attracted to the biological male body. maybe it’s because i feel less masculine as a biological girl being with a boy or something..i don’t know. to be honest though i just don’t have any sexually attraction to any guys. no rhyme or reason. this is just who i am.

Long story short I don’t do labels because sexuality is very fluid and i hate having existential crises over if i picked the wrong label. it’s what i’m comfortable with and i can’t change that shit.

I’ve been told i’m pansexual or bisexual or whatever but i don’t know, i sorta just follow my heart. my heart doesn’t do labels.

for the record however, you are perfectly valid. if you feel more comfortable and accepted by using a label please do! please do what makes you happy! but this makes me happy.

that’s just on sexuality, but gender is a fairly different story.

first off i do act and often present more masculine, however i do experiment with makeup and more “girly” clothing. i am a transgender male, however i don’t believe in strongly enforced and ridiculous gender roles.

i believe clothing doesn’t have a gender, nor does makeup or any of that so i’ve been told many times i’m not trans.

i am, i hate having a female body and feel dysphoria from it. i would be much happier having a male body and testosterone instead of estrogen. but accepting i’m transgender to myself has built up my relationship with clothing and makeup.

truthfully saying who i am (to myself, still not out in real life my dude) makes me more okay with wearing eyeshadow or more stereotypically feminine shoes.

having very short hair with lipstick bothers some people, especially some people in the south. woooo old southern ladies.

so yes i’ve been bullied for that too, the words fag and queer used quite often yet again.

so through all that i’ve become more comfortable using the word queer to describe myself.

so i am me

a queer basic bitch

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #trans #ftm #love is love #my experience

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queenxquill · 7 years

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Well it appears the first time I've ever done anything to incite attention and comments from others has now occured in an unexpected and mildly negative way. I'm embarrassed that it's about something as personal and intimate as me navigating my way through my turbulent sexuality with language, community, feelings of isolation. Valid critiques have been made, inciting an interesting theological dialogue. It's just a really new feeling to me, I've been on this site for so long just carelessly throwing whatever the fuck out in the ether feeling... relatively anonymous and unobserved. And then one day it's like you're writing in your diary and the diary starts telling you that the words you use to describe your sexuality need to be reconsidered and.. I mean obviously that's kind of a stupid way to put it because a private book next to my bed and spouting words off on to the World Wide Web are obviously different activities I've just posted so much personal shit on here forever unobserved or uncommented on that it built an illusion bubble of security. I don't even know exactly what I'm trying to achieve writing this here and now- it's a blog, I'm blogging, I'm taking my current real life experiences and emotions and processing them digitally to analyze and share, I'm being vulnerable, I'm being human. So. My truth? I am pensive, nervous, confused, trying to find what feels the most authentic and beneficial to myself while being mindful of others, trying both to belong and to be utterly uniquely myself which I suppose anyone may find to be an isolating experience. I often don't like to present the idea to men that they have a chance- they more often than not Don't, so I try with language to remove that from the proverbial table so I don't get that gross smirk from them that I despise when I say 'bisexual', the one that says "I am about to get a free show to a lady makeout session tailor-made for my pleasure". Why I held my middle finger up behind my companion's head when men felt it necessary to hoot at us when I kissed her and angrily spat "this isn't ABOUT you" over her shoulder at them knowing full well they'd leave two guys or a girl and guy alone but me and a girl are an open invitation- incomplete in our pairing. Why I want women to see me as being here for and about them, how I prioritize and value them, yeah I was a little crude in the last post, but I genuinely care for the companionship of women, and I fear that being belittled to "oh I'll Do you too" flippant promiscuity, "let's be objects together we can totally mutually exploit and it'll be like so hot boys will love how adventurous we are" vomit in my mouth that were my late teens conventional bisexual girl experiences before they were shaped into more mature, complex, emotional bonding of two women with sexual agency of their own accord. The number of bisexual women I've been involved with while their male partner who I was not at all attracted to but still situationally present most often as a voyeur (as per their relationship agreement) is a humiliating amount. I've started deadpan saying "my homosexual tendencies do not exist to be exploited for your voyeuristic pleasure" when these situations arrived most recently and it felt a million times better than reluctantly trying to ignore the fetishist in the room cheapening what is otherwise a magnificent shared experience. There is a lot of shit I wasted years of my life being afraid to say no, and that included- as my obvious preference for women grew- how I felt afraid to "close myself off to options" "be too exclusive" etc and still felt I HAD to keep men accessible, and I actively distanced myself from those proverbial "scary butch man-hating lesbians" YES I was one of THOSE bisexual girls and I intensely regret throwing those women under the bus to make myself more seemingly acceptable. I'm one of those women who gets thrown under the bus by those femme bisexuals now because I am a hairy, buzz-cutted, makeup-free, heavyset, braless, radical feminist who doesn't cater to femininity or male approval. I aim to make women feel safe, valued, and accepted, and to have men second-guess their entitlement to my personal space (while actively relishing presenting myself in a way designed to deflect their attentions). I aim to be a woman other women perceive to be confidently unapologetic in my woman - loving and rejection of femininity. I was enjoying closing the door off to men, feeling effortless and calm in my rejections of them in favour of women, wondering if this Could be me and wondering how long I'd have to distance myself from my last painfully dull and tragic heterosexual occurrence, to really earn the label when months later I got involved with a gender critical post-op trans man (no bottom surgery but everything else affected), and though that intimacy was very obviously gay, I felt insecure at being regarded as 'straight' with him in public and beat myself up at even feeling insecure about that ("I cannot let it be insinuated I am accessible to men" my fragile ego chanted). Then as if that weren't enough, I met a gnc cis man who challenged that in me even further as I started to feel an imposter syndrome like who did I even think I was, what if heavens forbid I actually started myself a reputation as a staunch lesbian only to back peddle on this cute boy in makeup and feminine clothes- I'd be another Erika Moen, another Chasing Amy, perpetuating the notion of corrective rape and that would be humiliating and unacceptable. And that's right around the time I commented a synopsis of this tangled web of sexual identity on an article of related content relevant to my life right then and there. So.. so I don't enjoy the stereotypes and connotations of bisexual women, so that doesn't mean I have to distance myself from them if it's a disservice to the lesbian community, I can just challenge the stereotypes of bisexual women by being my own damn self. I still can't shake this idea that someday if I'm really good and pure and live up to my political, ethical, ideological high standards I'll be a Real Proper Lesbian but maybe that's just internalized biphobia. I don't know. I don't have all the answers, I never will, I just have my experiences, ideas, emotions, and thereom that ebb flow, coincide and juxtapose, fluctuate circumstantially. *Extremely personal vulnerable sexual identity soul searching rambles over*~

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