#i think i got a lot better at drawing. Everything these past days/maybe week and god it feels GOOD

[66sharkteeth]

Weekly thoughts!

Hooboy, the big episode! First off, I think everyone knows by now that you probably shouldn't read these if you haven't read the latest episode, but I ESPECIALLY mean that this week! Talking about some way bigger than usual spoilers.

Phew, this was a big one, both from a writing and drawing perspective. I actually spent a full day on that last panel alone, but writing it took way longer than usual too. Going back and forth between Bell's speech and Jericho's backstory played perfectly like a movie in my head, but it was really hard to portray it as a comic and it was one of the few times I was struggling with the limitations of the format. I think I pulled it off though, since everyone seemed to follow along fine! So while it was probably just a neat scene to everyone else, I'm rather proud of that haha.

As for the actual contents of the episode, I'm also glad everything hit w/ the majority of the audience for the most part. I know a handful were confused about if that was Bell or Jericho who did that, but to those people, I remind you it's been loooong established Jericho can control his extensions (Bell, Charlie, and Claude. Remember, they all took injections of Jericho's blank space?). Also on that note, Bell does not have her own scion... Only Rex and Jericho do. Bell, Charlie and Claude all took injections of Jericho's blank space, thus get to borrow some of his power. I recommend re-reading ep 80 if you need a refresher.

I do consider this ep kind of a big reveal of Jericho's true colors. I mean, you guys have known he's the main villain for ages now, but this is the ep that reveals his "better world for blanks" act is kind of a façade and what he's really seeking is a worse world for humans. The fall of humans benefitting blanks is just kind of a bonus. I'm glad a few people caught onto this with the fact that one of the worst horrors he experienced was having his autonomy taken away from him, then he proceeds to do just that to Bell.

And speaking of Jericho's horrors- Before this season launched, I dropped a bunch of hints about upcoming things. One of them was that the most disturbing scene (in my opinion) was coming up. I was actually referring to what happened to Kallie. I'm not sure if it was as disturbing to everyone else (I totally get like if Claude's leg thing fucked people up more), but being evaporated into nothingness but not dying was an existential dread that really fucks me up haha. If it fucked even a couple of other people up, then I did my job.

I don't have too much else to say about the contents of the episode. It was so hard to bite my tongue for weeks as everyone predicted pretty much every character but Desmond was gonna get it. I'm sorry I don't have too much else to say about him right now given what happened, but I definitely will in the upcoming weeks.

I guess the only other note I have is I might as well address something that bugs me slightly- It's definitely a minority but there's a handful of people who seem done with the series because "too many things go wrong." To which... I'm not sure what to tell ya. I'm fine with critique and criticism to be clear, but honestly, this is one thing I'm actually really confident I'm good at balancing. I'm not sure where people are coming from with "nothing good ever happens in this series" when this season alone has had probably the cutest and fluffiest scenes. Rex has a canon girlfriend, he had his first kiss with her, Desmond was reunited with his sister and learned to accept himself, Lyss learned to move past her trauma and accept blanks, Rex was reunited with Shnee, Rex's scion turns out to be a puppy dog w/ a crush. I'm aware a lot of these got kind of crushed with this latest ep...but that's.. kind of. the. point??? That's how you write tragedy and impactful scenes??

I dunno, maybe this is personal to me because it's ALWAYS bugged me when someone tells me they think a show is bad because it's "too dark." Like no... It's not *bad* because it's too dark, you just don't like dark themes, and that's okay. I TOTALLY get if CoB has gotten too dark for some people- it's definitely hit some hard themes and subjects, but I don't like to accept that as a critique. It just means it's not for you and that's okay. There's a ton of other great comics that are more light-hearted! I think the TLDR of this is it will always annoy me when people say something is bad just because it's not their taste.

Now. That said... everyone is completely valid in their hate of Jericho. I, however, still love him.

#weekly thoughts

[tipsyleaf]

𝔹𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕒 𝔾𝕠𝕠𝕕 ℝ𝕦𝕟 [𝔼𝕟𝕕]

DI!Leon Kennedy x Reader

Summary: Leon finally wakes up...

Words: 1.5k

Content Warning: kinda Cliff hanger end (sorry not sorry), talks of loneliness and emptiness

[Previous Part]

Masterlist

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

He huffs in irritation, rubbing the exhaustion from his eyes as he shuts the filing cabinet with his hip. An hour of searching this entire room and nothing.

I'm getting too old for this job...

Glancing over at you, he turns his flashlight off, walking over as he slips it into it rightful place in his pocket. Leon leans on the desk, moving closer down to your level.

"Anything interesting?" You shake your head.

"Nothing useful. Just a bunch a money transfers and employee back and forth... You?" You look up at him from the desk chair. Frustration written across your face.

"They cleaned the place out. Not a single scrap of anything useful."

"You still got that flashdrive with the copies of anything we could get off from the servers that wasn't blocked by a password?" Leon nods, giving you a curious slide eye.

"Why?"

"Claire is gonna want copies of everything we could find. Especially if this is another outbreak contained to Havana. TerraSave would appreciate it."

In the moment all he can think back to is Alcatraz and the hell that day was. How he could have been turned himself if it wasn't for the luck of Rebecca showing up at the right exact time with a vaccine.

With the life he's had alone, he wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy.

He softly shrugs with a nod. You were right, whatever information you could find in the moment was important. If you didn't gather it, it just be destroyed to save face for the bioweapon creating organization you were investigating this week.

You look over at the rows of servers, blue lighting up against the wall, grinning you look back at Leon.

"You feel like destroying shit?"

"What did you have in mind?" He smirks watching you reach into your holster pouch and pull out a grenade.

"Boom boom?" He breathes out a laugh, grabbing your shoulder and giving it an approving squeeze.

"That's my girl, I'm teaching you well."

Within minutes you were both rushing out of the room, the clunk of the grenade echoing as it bounced across the floor. The sliding door to the room shutting behind you both as the loud BOOM pierced the air.

Causing the metal door to indent outwards and slowly clang onto the floor. You stare at the door rocking back and forth on its indent. Leon looks at you, giving a nod of approval right before the hallway turns into a flashing red color and sirens start blaring.

"Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea!" He yells over the loud screeching.

Both turning you hall ass back the way you originally came in. Stopping in your tracks you both look as a metal gate closes over the end of the hallway, you're only exit.

"Son of bitch..." You mumble, turning to look at him. He starts looking around, trying to formulate some kind of plan.

Leon pushes a door open gesturing for you to come over, stepping to him you see a staircase going up.

"I guess you could say, things are looking up." You groan at his stupid remark he definitely thinks is funny.

"Boo, hiss. Bad joke." You push past him and start up the stairs.

"Oh, like you could do any better Smartass." He quickly follows, keeping up with you. Making it to the first landing you turn and look back at him.

"Did no one ever tell you? You can't trust stairs Leon, they're always up to something." You feign irritation as he smirks.

"God, I really am teaching you well."

"Shut up."

You two travel up the stairs, checking each door, finding it locked. Until reaching the 5th and final floor.

Reaching the landing you both notice the door is wide open. Leon draws his weapon, you following suit as you step into the hallway, noticing the mess of papers across the carpeted floors. Office doors all left open for all the world to see. Most likely when the building was originally evacuated not long after everyone arrived.

"Looks like everyone really was in a hurry to get the hell out of here."

"I doubt anyone's left up here," Leon adds, looking into a nearby office, "and we don't really have all the time in the world to search every room. We need to get back to the group."

"So what's the plan then?" Watching Leon he steps around the corner, you follow behind without much thought. Soon you both approach a set of double doors and press them open.

Walking in you're met with a long hall, metal grates beneath your thick boots as you step in. The red lights from before illuminating the area. You both look to the sides of the rails seeing that there's a high drop on both sides.

"I knew we'd find this eventually," Leon looks at you, his eyes filled with accomplishment, "this is the long stretch we saw connecting the office to the hospital side when we arrived."

"Oh, good find then Kennedy."

Continuing forward you both holster your weapons and start walking the long stretch. Clanking fills the hallow room as you both walk.

"Do you think they cleared the hospital completely?" You question, glancing at Leon in your peripheral.

"I'd assume so. Though Chris hasn't contacted me like he's supposed to so-" Leon's cut off by a loud metal scrapping with a wet gurgling sound rattling against the walls.

You look up at the wall to your right and see it. A disgusting gooey looking monstrosity with 4 long tentacle like arms, clinging to the wall. It shrieks before lunging and missing you both and wetly slopping onto the metal grates behind you.

Taking off towards the end of the walk away you both draw your pistols getting ready to fight it. Leon turns and fires at it, pushing you to keep running towards the exit.

Hearing him to pop shots you turn seeing it quickly making it's way across the high ceiling, directly for you. You aim and fire a few shots, hitting it and blowing a hole in one of it's long arms.

Before you reach the exit the monstrosity drops in front of the door blocking your way to freedom. It swings it injured arm out, wrapping your legs up swiftly, Leon shoots at it's arm, your gun goes flying from your hand and off the platform.

Being jerked into the air you feel a crunch in your leg, shooting pain going to your ankle as you scream in agony being waved around, your body flailing like a rag doll as gun shots continue to pop through the air.

The beasts arm finally snaps off, sending you over the edge of the walkway and into the dark abyss below. Screaming for help as you plummet into whatever lies below.

"NO!" Leon looks over the rail seeing you disappear almost instantly into the darkness below. Finally hearing a loud crash a few seconds later.

Looking at the thing in his way he makes the quick decision to just do what he knows best...

Blow it to hell.

Grabbing his own grenade her grabs the trigger and pulls the pin throwing it at the monster. He jumps over the railing diving into the dark as he hears the explosion blow above him.

Darkness... He's surrounded by darkness as he hopes to live, for the first time in a long time he cares if he lives. He needs to know if his partners okay...

Being swallowed by the only black he sees the hole you've made, you laying lifeless on tile right before he almost lands next to you.

...

The darkness soon breaks... Being replaced by a bright blinding light.

A blinding florescent light.

Leon cracks his eyes open, looking down at himself. A white hospital blanket pulled up to his shoulders and a thick fleece gray blanket covers his lower half.

I'm in a hospital?

To his right she sees a heart monitor, IV bag dripping liquids into him and a tiny thin tube leading somewhere to him.

The hell happened to me...

Looking to his left, he sees you. Curled up in an arm chair asleep, covered by a black blanket. Your hand holding onto his for dear life.

"mmm..." He can't really talk yet, but he weakly clenches his hand around yours. Giving the strongest squeeze he can manage in his weakened state.

Your head lifts slowly, sleep invading your eyes as you swore in your sleep your felt something. Looking up at Leon you see his head slightly turned towards you, blue eyes on you, brightest you've seen them in these past grueling week.

"Leon!" Darting up from your chair, you lean over him. Staring at his eyes as you study him to make sure you aren't having some cruel dream.

"Where..." His voice is so hoarse as he tries to talk, you stop him.

"Don't, don't talk... Just let yourself wake up." You look at the table grabbing the nurse call button and start pushing it a few times.

"You're at a rehabilitation hospital in DC... There's a lot to explain."

A nurse and Dr. Owens comes in as you take a seat, watching them do an exam on Leon as he responds the best he can.

It took a while for Leon to be able to respond properly, his doctor doing more scans, tests and anything possible to test his abilities.

Sadly you both found out that Leon would have to relearn how to walk again and get his strength back up. Both very possible through physical therapy.

...

But through it all he still has you. From being in a wheelchair at your retirement dinner, moving him into your tiny apartment to keep an eye on him and watching him take his first steps again without assistance.

An now, 4 months later, he still has you by his side. Making sure he's taken care of and cherished like he's supposed to be. He knows he's loved, he's never felt this loved before in his life.

Even now as you walk out of the restaurant you went to for his 40th birthday. A day you made a huge fuss about, something he probably wouldn't have done if you didn't make him enjoy himself.

You look up seeing him walk out, cane pressing against the sidewalk with a soft click as he waltzes over and sits next to you on the bench.

"You okay, Hun?" He nods with a smile, messing with something in his pocket. He looks nervous almost.

"I just don't get why you made such a big deal out of today." Leon looks at you, letting his cane go and holds onto the edge of the bench.

"It's your 40th birthday, Dumbass. Of course I'd make a big deal, the day is all about you." You smile watching his eyes light up, hands gripping the bench. Squeezing rhythmically, almost like it's a stress ball.

"Well," he begins, looking back at you with an inviting smile, "what if I don't want my birthday to be only about me?"

Your eyebrows wrinkle, confusion falling on your face before he starts fiddling around in his jacket pocket.

"You know, for the longest time I've felt lonely. Years, it's been years. Since before we met. Before I started working for the government."

"Leon, what's-" He cuts you off before you can say anything else.

"Please, let me talk. I promise I'm going somewhere with this." He sounds serious, nodding you shut up and let him go.

"I guess you could say that I felt empty. Tried filling the void with... a number of different things. Nothing ever made me happy or feel whole... Until I met you."

He pulls his hand out of his pocket and covers his hand with his other hand. Not taking his eyes off you.

"You were such a hard ass when we met. Didn't let me breathe wrong way without putting me in line. But, I liked it. I liked that you were blunt and not afraid to speak your mind or call me stupid. Especially if I was being stupid... And it made me feel like someone truly had my back. After all the shit I've been through."

A soft pop sound comes from his hands, a blue cap falling from his hands. Bouncing across the ground a few feet away.

"And then you told me you loved me. An proved it... Proved that I could depend on you. Stuck with me through recovery, even if the past few months have been a personal hell for me. You really showed me what it was like to be loved. Loved by someone who wanted the best for me and actually cared."

Finally, he moves his hands reaching into a small white cup, pulling out a plastic ring with a giant fake diamond on it. You gasp soft, looking at it your eyes start welling with tears. A few slipping out and leaving wet streaks down your cheeks. His smile grows larger, looking at you fondly. Like he always looks at you when he thinks you don't notice him.

"Now, I know it's nothing *fancy* and we can get you something real. I just haven't had the chance to leave your side and get something... not 50¢."

He grunts, sliding off the bench and to the ground, bad knee up and his good leg under him. Taking your hand you give a wobbly smile.

"I don't want to spend another day where I can't call you my wife... My actual wife. I don't want anybody else. Just you... Just you and me. Just the two of us."

He takes a deep breath, holding the ring up.

"Will you marry me?"

#leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy x fem reader

[squeaksinc]

2023 creative year in review! 💦💦

The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.

costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!

the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.

thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.

More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.

like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.

I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.

in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.

for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Pmd9: Wolf Moon '24: Update;

greetings all i've been taking ttime /offline/ to reflect upon my inner self its been rly helpful i will continue a little longer.. I got into this state ovr the past few months where i felt like i had to fill every empty moment w someone elses thoughts, or beautiful stimulating imagery, any time i was bored or uncomfortable i just wanted to scrooooollllll . . . i started to feel like i was losing mysedf @_@ & losing myself ON purpose, at that

lately i began to long for this feeling i felt as a teen, b4 smartphone was everywhere, when i used to jst have to like. stare at the wall for long periods or look out the window and retreat into contemplation or fantasies to occupy myself. like in the ambient moments of waiting. or if i didntwant to think that day, i wld invent a task for myself , draw, go for a walk, ask my friend to hang out, find stuff to take photos of.. the internet was at it's most fun cus it was reserved for when u had time to be at the computer so it felt like more of a treat instead of being~everything~

it kinda hit me like oh i can pretty easily feel that way again ! just got to sternly banish the phone. And let me tell u it feels reallll niiice....i been playinggg all day long tbh i been having a blast. granted my reality has improved a lot recently so its easier to disconnect, but yea i duno its like dangg things r looking up & i want to b present for this part of my life. :*

its freaky how even holding the phone is so addicting?? does anyone else have that? i have rly restless hands so i noticed them searching for that thingy to hold. like i dont even think usning the internet is That harmful its just better left to computer-moments. i dont plan on ever stopping posting cus i looove posting i just cant b so *online* rn i cant b as engaged w "feeds" im burnt outtt

even after just a few days break i feel my thougts flowing better, a lot more true to me, i remember why i luv working on my stuff :+)

Soo lets see, some stuff i been up tooo ummm: i DEEP CLEANED my room / rearranged for better feng shui, added new pages to my website, work on music every day, yoga every day, started figure drawing class(!!), going strong w herbal tea regiment, joirnalling.. playing acnl evry night ^^ talking to my mom and grandma a lot which has been rly sweet and new for me. oh & pochita's eyes healing up perfect after her surgery a few weeks ago~~

thats pree much all the update i have for now.. tldr need to get serious about making sure my thoughts r my own & keeping grounded in reality. hope everyone having a pleasant full moon's experience tonight ^^ Since its Wolf's Moon maybe try howling at it..

Yours Truly,

-Pink_Moon_Doll_9_Shih_Tzu_9

P.S. today in the wolf moon yoga video i did she talked about how the most successful wolf packs r the packs that r most diverse..a pack where everyone has their own unique skills so they can come together to help each other in any situation. U dont got to b like everyone else, just lean into being the best version on YoU ^^ thought it was a sweet sentiment to contemplate over this moon. <3

#update #updating #new info #knowledge #facts #wizdom

[ssuperficialspacecadett]

i kinda wanna see the triple frontier boys and reader do the “lala” or “okok” challenge from the song see you again by tyler the creator and kali uchis. i’d like to see your interpretation on who’s who and their relationship dynamics.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Melodic Friendships - Through the Scope Drabble

Rating: everyone ?? (im just having a fun time with this hehe)

Word Count: 2.3K

Notes (more at the end as well): i received this ask maybe two weeks ago and have been meaning to tackle it ! i saw this trend on tik tok back when it was really popular and it seemed like such a fun idea to characterize the TF boys and Estrella using it ! i will preface this post by saying that while i was trying to nail down what the exact definitions for what 'lala' and 'okok' were so i could correctly apply them to our boys,,,i found that each person had their own take/idea/meaning for it. so in the case of this little project i will be defining each term like so ...

'lala' characters (to me): people who are more extroverted, cheerful, talkative, carefree for the most part, and easy to get a long with

'okok' characters (to me): people who are more introverted, a listener, a planner, and easy to be around

*this is also going to be an unedited/stream of consciousness/off the top of my head kinda vibe so i'm sure there will be grammatical errors and i apologize for that now*

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Benny Miller - lala

There was once a time where Benny thought that nothing could compare to being out in the field with his brother and two best friends. He loved the feeling of holding a gun in his hands, the feeling of never knowing what was around the next corner, and constantly knowing that his men had his back. There were some draw backs...okay a lot of draw backs. There was always the fear of his finger getting trigger shy, that what was around the corner could be to much to handle, and coming home one man short. Even so, he didn't think he could love anything more. That was until he opened up Brass Knuckles. And then, he found, his love grew even more when you came to work with him.

You kept up with him in everything he did. Honestly, you did more than keep up with him. If he had cleaned three workout benches, you had already cleaned the last four and were on your way to start another task. If he asked if the water was stocked in the mini fridge, you would roll your chair back with a grin and reveal a full fridge and sneak in a comment about how you 'picked up an extra pack from the store yesterday after work'. Everything was a competition, but it was all in fun. It was so refreshing to not be the youngest anymore. Not that he ever let it stop him. He was the youngest in his academy graduating class, but you better believe he snagged that number one spot. Will had told him once he was 'a one in a million talent' and he wanted to prove it every single day.

The two of you could talk for hours about absolutely nothing and never get bored. He wasn't even sure if either of you ever took a breath the entire time too. It was always go go go with yall. He could always count on you to act as a spring board for new ideas he was concocting for the gym. If his own ideas fell flat, you were there to air them back up with imaginative creations of your own. The pair of yall were a fucking powerhouse. It extended far past the gym too.

Whenever he managed to bully you into having a night with the guys down at The Barrel, neither one of you were quiet the entire time. It was like you were feeding off of each other like batteries that never lost their charge. The other guys would look around try to get a word in, but both of you had already moved onto greener topics. The others could only laugh and look at yall with intense amazement because who knew there was another person alive who could go toe to toe with Benny's mind. As cheesy as it sounds, you made him feel like he got his spark back. He didn't even realize he had lost it to being so wrapped up in life until you showed up either. You were his platonic other half.

***

Will Miller: okok

Will liked to be around people. However, he was picky about who he was around. He guessed that's why he didn't have many, if any, friends outside his group. They were all that he needed. He knew he would never be pestered for being on the quiet side or mocked because he was a little particular about the way he liked things. He was happy for Benny when he hired you. Lord only knows how much help his brother needed running that place. Of course he helped out whenever and however he could, but he had a job of his own.

He was wary about meeting you, he wasn't going to lie. Sure he would treat you with respect regardless, but for all he knew, you were just another employee. Nothing more and nothing less. However, he was taken aback at how naturally you bantered with Pope. When it came time for him to introduce himself to you, you didn't let him down either. You had a bright smile and a firm handshake. Not that he would call himself old fashioned, but he regarded people who had a solid handshake quite high. If he only knew that your grip would capture his heart as well.

You had been convinced to join all them out at The Barrel one Tuesday evening. He was already waiting with Pope at their usual table when you and Benny arrived after closing duties. Frankie would be running late due to his NA meeting, but that wasn't his truth to deliver to you. He watched you walk towards them with that beaming grin on your face. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one in the bar that noticed. Men turned their heads and stared at you as you plopped yourself down to his right. He felt his chest swell with pride as you reached over and hugged him so lovingly. He wasn't much of a physical touch enthusiast, but you somehow made it seem bearable. For you, he was more than willing to make an exception.

When you realized you had left your wallet at the gym, you were insistent that you went back to get it. You said 'just because I'm a lady doesn't mean yall have to buy me drinks all the time. Maybe I want to buy yall drinks sometimes and I can't do that if I don't have my card'. He pushed away from the table just as you did and gave you a look that meant 'you are more than welcome to go, but you're crazy if you think you're going alone'. He listened peacefully as you pointed out constellations to him in the sky. You looked so pleased with yourself that he didn't have the heart to tell you that he already knew where each one was and how to navigate by using them. He just liked hearing you talk.

On the way back he found himself on the opposite end of the conversation. You had managed to get him to tell you about his job and what it entails. It felt so natural to talk with you by his side. Usually he is the one with a quippy one liner or words of caution, but with you, someone who used to be a stranger, he is comfortable enough to really talk. You pull him out of his shell and make him want to shed the armor he had built up around himself. It felt safe to do that with you.

***

Santiago Garcia: lala

He was smooth. Santi knew he was smooth. He had the body count to prove it and everyone around him knew it. He had never felt so challenged by a woman in his life. Usually they all turned to putty in his hands when he spoke, but you held tough. You were Fish's girl (even if he hadn't officially asked you yet) and he was so excited to see where it went. Yet, that didn't stop him from loving to push your buttons. He knew you could take it. The first moment he met you he knew. What did you say to him exactly? 'Kissing and telling wouldn’t be a good way to end my first day, don't ‘cha think?' God, that was a good line and he would have to put it in his back pocket to use for later. From that day on, the two of you were constantly trying to out wit the other.

Yall were once in the middle of a particularly devious match while grocery shopping together. He had lost at a five way game of rock, paper, scissors to see who had to buy the beer for a hangout. He was pretty pissed about it and it didn't get any better when he heard you volunteer to go with him just to rub in your victory the whole time. He was moping around the beer isle when he saw her. A beautiful woman maybe 10 years younger than him. Unfortunately, you saw her too. 'You couldn't keep up with her if you tried, old man' , 'funny, that's the same thing I told Fish when he said he liked you'. He had to pretend to look at the contents on the shelf to keep himself from laughing at your shocked face. Sure he could joke around with the other guys and they would always joke back, but there was something about your spirit that just matched his so well. Benny was a close second.

However, the one thing he loved more than ganging up on you was when the two of you would gang up on everyone else. 'The entry fee for the table is one shot' you told Fish one night when he showed up late one Tuesday evening. He saw the twinkle in your eye and knew exactly what to do. 'We all did it, man. Now it's your turn'. Will looked like he was about to object, but stopped when he noticed you placing your hand over his. You just had a way with all of them.

He found himself anxiously awaiting each time the two of you would meet so he could pick on you. He felt younger when you were around him. He felt just as spry as he did before his knee and neck surgeries. The weight of his years in the service had started to get unbearably heavy on his shoulders. Little did he know, all he needed was to see you throw back your head in laughter because of something he said to ease his pain.

***

Frankie Morales: okok

Frankie loved watching you. He knew that probably sounded creepy to say out loud, so he kept it to himself. He thought that there was a lot that you could learn about the inner workings of a person just by watching them in their day to day lives. When you called him that your car broke down he went through so many emotions and happiness may or may not have been one of them. After everything was squared away at the shop, he realized he didn't want to let you go. So he bucked up the courage and asked you to breakfast.

You allowed him to chose the spot since he was a local and he settled on a hole-in-the-wall diner. He peaked over his own menu to see you smiling and looking over each and every item the restaurant served. He couldn't help but smile when he would catch you mouthing the description of the food to yourself. Frankie didn't even mind that it took you forever to order either. That just meant that he gets to spend more time in your presence. When yalls plates were brought out he saw you sneaking glances at what was in front of him. He wanted to ask you if you wanted a bite, but did that seem to relationshipy?? After you excused yourself to go to the restroom, he cut a piece of his meal off and set it on your plate. He would have given you his entire breakfast if he knew how bright you were going to light up when you came back and saw what he did.

When breakfast was finished, it was you that suggested that the two of yall do something else. He willingly let you drag him into a bath and body works store. At first he was a bit apprehensive, but you guided him over to the mens section. 'I'll break you just like I broke Benny' , "You'll break me? That sounds like a threat' , 'Just smell the candle, Frankie'. He lost track of how many candles he smelled by the time you were checking out. At this point he wasn't sure if it was the perfumes or you that were clouding his brain and making him feel all warm and fuzzy. 'I noticed you liked this one a lot' you told him producing a three wicked candle 'I wanted to get it for you as a thank you gift for helping me today'. He wondered if you saw his heart jump into his throat.

Although his favorite time to watch you was when you were asleep. He never dreamed in a million years that he would be luck enough to have someone as beautiful and kind as you lay in bed next to him. Your body was huddled up as close as could be to his. Your face was smooshed up against his bicep and he could feel your gentle breathing tickling his skin. He brushed a hair that falls in your face away and cursed at it for threatening to wake you up.

Frankie felt differently in the way that he carries himself since he has met you. Honestly, he had seen a change in each and every one of the guys. He felt like he was coming back to life again.

***

Reader/Estrella- lala

I feel like it is fairly obvious that Estrella is 'lala'. I didn't want to write a specific one for her as she is featured in each of the boy's character descriptions and can be seen displaying 'lala' characteristics. I will say, what I love about her is her ability to so easily adapt to the people around her. Her overall personality doesn't change, but she is able to understand what Frankie, Santi, Will, and Benny all need from her. Estrella can bring Will and Frankie (okok) out of the prisons of their minds and mess around on the same caliber as Santi and Benny (lala). She is talker while also being quite the listener. She knows when one is needed and can let the other take a back seat. Estrella loves these boys more than she ever thought she would and I can't wait to see how she spends the rest of her time in Florida with them.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Notes: Hello to noonie and everyone else who made it to the end of my little brain dump ! I loved this ask so so much and again im sorry it took me so long to complete ! I hope this sufficiently answers your ask ((: thank you again for submitting it to me <3

{tag list: @cutesyscreenname @rsquared31 @smol-beb @bitchwitch1981 @avastrasposts @hoeslingz @saltybutteredtoast @javicstories @c-justhere @pimosworld @modernperplexity @beboldbebravethings @mxtokko @moonliqhtszn @tanzthompson @megcads @myloveistoolittle @casa-boiardi @jitterbugs927 @partyofone3413 @pedrit0-pascalit0 @golden-library @pati-et-vivere @mashomasho @lilmizmoz @angstylittlepascal @sofiparallel @selflcontrol @adriennemichelle98 @painitemoondust @pedritosgirl2000 @tpwkmera @romanarose @missbabyjay @missgurrl }

#through the scope #through the scope drabble #through the scope headcanon #frankie morales fanfiction #benny miller fanfiction #william miller fanfiction #santiago garcia fanfiction #i love asks #literally please blow up my asks

[i-prefer-base-twelve]

Hello ! Could I ask for a oneshot (or headcanons if you like) of Dipper x A reader who was pressured too much by parents with school grades? My whole life I've been pressured, and I must say, it's not good, you end up doing the things that others want without thinking about you first, mostly you do it out of fear of suffering consequences... But I'm getting better ! If you can be inspired by this little description I would love it ! — Anon Simp

Hi sorry it has taken me literally forever to get to this. It's been a long time since I've had to worry about grades, so I hope this still rings true, but I think it might go something like this--

You and Dipper start talking because of DD&D, of course--he noticed your pin and couldn't help but strike up a conversation. You've never actually played yourself, but you've read all the rulebooks and you watch a lot of videos and--

"You should play with us!" He cuts you off in his excitement. You immediately agree. But as the day draws closer, you realize you can't, there's no way, you've got too much studying to do. You text him your regrets, and you can tell he's disappointed, and you agree to try again next week.

Of course, the next week, you still have homework.

Just like the week after that.

But a funny thing has happened over the past three weeks; you and Dipper have started texting each other, not just about rpgs, but about, you know, life. And as you stress-text at him again and again, he starts to put the pieces together.

One day he says, "You're really hard on yourself."

It strikes you as absurd. "Well, yeah. I have to be."

He frowns. "Why?"

"Because--" is he being deliberately obtuse? Isn't it the most obvious thing in the world?-- "Because if I don't get straight As, my parents will kick me out, I'll never get into college, I'll never get a degree, I'll never get a job that pays more than minimum wage, I'll die alone and homeless at 27!--"

He watches you with concern as you catastrophize. Then he says, "You know, my uncle Stan never even graduated from high school. He lived out of his car for ten years. But even he ended up ok." He smiles to himself; he clearly loves this uncle. "And anyway, you're smart. I bet if you don't study for this test, you'll get like a 92 instead of a 98. That's still an A."

You shake your head miserably. "Not good enough for my parents."

He nods sadly, then says, "Listen, I get it, I used to be really anxious too. About, like, everything. But last summer I kinda had a... near-death experience."

He what? You stare at him in horror, but he doesn't elaborate, just goes on, "And it really put things in perspective, y'know? A bad grade isn't the end of the world."

Something about the look in his eyes as he says that, the sudden flatness in his voice, makes you shiver. What happened to him?... you hope he's in therapy.

He meets your eyes again. "I know it feels like it, though."

You swallow. His eyes are big and serious and looking right at you. "Maybe..." you say, voice wobbly, "Maybe we should start smaller. I can't take a whole Saturday off to play games, but maybe... maybe if we, got a coffee or something? I can tell my parents we're studying."

Dipper breaks out into a huge grin, and you feel like you might float away. "See? I told you you were smart!"

#dipper pines #dipper x reader

[coyotestarcraft]

I Need To Know

Fandom: Good Omens

Poly!Aziraphale x Reader x Crowley

⚠️PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANYTHING LIKE THIS TRIGGERS YOU!⚠️

A/N: It’s been over a year since loss of my grandfather that I miss dearly, there’s a lot I want to say about him, but I’ll wait till the end, if you want to read it or not I don’t care, it’s just a way to show how much I loved him.

So please read this story and know that even though you’ve gotten into many fights or quarrels with your grandparents, they still love you, so go hug them or call them and tell them that you love them. Spend as much time with them as possible, because you never know when you’ll get to have that chance to spend time with them again.

And I call him papaw.

______________________

First Person POV

I sat on that grass ledge expressionless.

I wish I had more time, more memories, more.....anything. I wished had spent more time with him, I wished had given him more hugs and kisses when I left for school each morning.

Now that I sit here and think about all of it, it doesn’t matter anymore....none of it will happen again because he’s gone...forever.

He used to say to me, “I love ya, but I don’t like ya.” I chuckle at that, it’s the first time in a while since a smile has taken over my face.

He used to aggravate the crap outta me, and honestly, I miss it more than I know. I hated it but as I sit here now I want that back more than ever.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice softly calls out, pulling me from my thoughts, I turn to see Aziraphale and Crowley standing between two trees and forest behind them.

“I was just thinking again, about him.” I say as I turn back around to stare off into the sunset that sets just above the horizon out far in the distance.

Maybe, just maybe I could ask.

“Aziraphale?”

He comes and sits next to me along with Crowley who sits to the right of me.

I need to know.

Now.

“Yes my dear?” He wraps an arm around my shoulder, looking at me curiously.

It’s now or never.

“Will you please....go...check on him?” My voice breaks as I try my best not to break down in tears.

“It’s against-“ Aziraphale gets cut off as he looks at my face and sees how much I need him to do this.

“I will see what I can do, if I have to fall to make your pain go away love, then I’m willing to do this for you.” He puts his forehead to mine.

Just one day is all I want, one time is all I need.

“Thank you.” I sniffled, it was hard not to break down, but after not knowing if he’s okay is rough.

I just need that feeling of relief knowing he’s no longer in pain.

*Timeskip To a Week Later*

Crowley’s flat had it’s comforts, he had his plants, Aziraphale had some books stashed somewhere and Crowley gave me my own room with a desk for drawing and to just hang out it when things go to be too much, it was a safe space.

I sat at my desk drawing away, Crowley was in the plant room yelling per usual.

To others it may have frightened them, but I laugh, it’s typical Crowley, the demon I have fallen in love with for a long time.

The sound of the door opening and closing is what draws me away from my desk.

“I’m back loves.” Aziraphale calls out.

I walk out and smile at Aziraphale who gives a wide smile back, he never did that unless it was good news.

He had been gone the past week, up in heaven doing work.

“I’ve got some good news my love,” he opens the door, and there stands my grandfather.

I stand there wide eyed and mouth agape.

“Hey huckleberry.” He says.

Tears fill my eyes and before I realized what I was doing, my arms wrap around his shoulders and I’m sobbing.

“You’re-you’re, okay, your not in pain anymore!” I smile appears on my face, I look at him and noticed how young he looks since the last time I’d seen him.

“Holy crap, when did you look like this! You had white hair and everything since we’d last seen each other!” I laugh.

“Things change dear, even in heaven.” He says.

“I guess so.”

We chat for a bit and I talk about how Aziraphale and Crowley have brought happiness into my life, how I’m working on bettering my mental health, and much more.

Eventually he has to leave, I give him a long hug and a kiss on the cheek, “I’m happy knowing your okay and not in that hospital bed in pain. It hurt when mom got the call about your passing.”

“You know I’ll always be here, in your heart.” He smiles.

“Yeah, I know pops.” I laugh.

“Please come back and visit, I miss you more than ever.” I say.

“Alright, but you know I’ll have to aggravate you.” He laughs, making me laugh along with him.

“Okay.” I say, he walks out shutting the door.

“Do you feel better?” Crowley asks.

I turn to him with tears rushing down my face, but I have smile, “yeah.”

He knows I need him, he knows I love him, he knows I won’t forget him.

THE END!

Rant down below! ⬇️

In case anyone wants to know, his name was John, that’s all I’m giving to keep his full name private.

I think he knew I loved him a lot even though I didn’t show it much, and yes the name huckleberry was an actual nickname he gave me and I hated it, but after he passed I came to like it.

I almost cried while writing this but I stayed strong.

I wrote this not for fun, but to get people to realize that you NEED to spend as much time with your loved ones as possible, not just your grandparents, but your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whoever.

It may seem like you have all the time in the world to spend with them, but that can change in a heartbeat.

I feel so guilty that I didn’t spend as much time with my grandfather as I should’ve.

Anyway! I hope you read this story and learned to not take time for granted, you never know when you’ll have that chance to spend time your relatives again.

#Good Omens #good omens crowley #good omens aziraphale #aziraphale x reader x crowley #fanfic #fan fiction

[germanboyyippee]

hm okay real honest question then so from what youve said it sounds like youd consider your past and who you were at those times to be a different person from who you are right st this moment.

how do you be ok with that? with having everything about who you are just a collection of an unimaginably huge amount of tiny events ?

hm... see i've been thinking on the first part of this, ever since i got this ask, and honestly i think this is a case of "ship of theseus paradox is easily solved/described if you had the proper terms for it" if that makes sense at all. who i was in the past and who i am in the present are the same Person, but different People.

my past self and my present self are both Me but the Person i was two years ago is different from the Person i am today. this doesn't mean he's a different entity or thing entirely (even if i, typing that, instinctively wanted to refer to my old self as They as in a Different Person), but if you presented a younger version of Me to the current Me, i would go "that's not me anymore, but it was once and i carry them with me even if we've grown apart"

i guess one way i've thought of describing it is that i'm every version of me i've ever lived and ever Will live ^_^ alt. a post i think about often but don't have on hand, "i am a mosaic everyone who's ever loved me/everyone i have ever loved". i am one person but i am made up of many many tiny events that have compounded into making me the Me i am today and helped me grow beyond the Me i was years/months/weeks/days ago. some of these are bad events, some of these are good, i tend to think of myself as an optimist so i'm usually trying to focus on the good but i know i couldn't have been shaped and changed without the bad ones

i feel like... being okay with it, i'm not sure, it's not something i've ever really considered, it's just something i've accepted. people change me and i change them in turn, i like seeing and knowing how i impact people and vice versa. a lot of the things i enjoy today are because friends recommended them to me, some of my favorite games and bands i only found because my friends told me about them. i know i change people both in habit and likes and memory, from things as big as "this is their favorite show now, because we watched it together" to "this person i've never spoken to stopped me in a hallway to say that, in a large classroom where i've never actively seen or made a note of where they sit, they always enjoy seeing the earrings i wear to class".

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i know change is a natural part of life (the whole time i've been writing this stp has been in my brain specifically the "is a child the same as an infant?" conversation with the shifting mound) and that i will always change, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better, sometimes it'll be in my control and sometimes it won't be. i'm still Me years later and even if i don't have the same mannerisms or things i did when i was younger, they're still part of me.

maybe part of this accepting this also has to do with knowing that other people are this way too! i am made of every day i've lived and every person i've met and loved even for brief moments, even if i don't realize it :]

smth also... change is inevitable and for me there is no reason fighting against it when that's the case. sure, not all change will be good, but i've found that knowing that and being prepared is better than trying to fight against an unstoppable force, and even in the case that you do try to prevent change, it usually won't work. you will change anyway, or you will stagnate and suffer. sometimes the act of trying to resist change itself will change you. without change i don't know who i am, i like routine in my day-to-day life, but without change i'll be the same Me forever, without experiences and new things to draw upon and think about, and i think that's a very boring and uncomfortable life to live.

i'm not sure if this is necessarily what you were asking, or if this makes sense at all, but if you have anything else i'd be happy to elaborate! identity and how it changes over time is something i think about a lot honestly ^_^ it's one of my favorite things to write about in regards to my ocs too so i think about it often!!

#coyote princess #i just got done with essay prep so i'm in the writing mood. if you couldn't guess

[nghtchngs]

𓆉⋆｡˚⋆❀ 🐚🫧𓇼 ˖° (  havana rose liu,  cis woman,  she/her  )  —  🎬  just  announced,  DIOR  CHEN  has  been  cast  as  CLEO SERTORI in  the  upcoming  H2O: JUST ADD WATER  reboot.  the  twenty-four  year  old  is  trending  as  people  are  debating  if  the crying selfies on her spam account she forgot to delete, iridescent pink nail polish, a secret twitter account where she rates movie theater lobbies, and eccentric jewelry that  they  are  known  for  is  enough  to  make  them  as  good  as  original.  a  quick  google  search  shows  that  their  fans  call  them observant,  but  internet  trolls  think  they’re  more  spacey.  i  guess  their  newest  interview  for  variety  where  they  talk  about  how she recently started learning to crochet will  let  people  to  know  them  better.

+ pinterest . + playlist.

BASICS:

full name: dior rose chen age: twenty-four gender: cis woman pronouns: she/her sexuality: she says she lets the stars decide (unlabeled queer) date & place of birth: july 3rd in sydney, australia residence: beverly hills, ca occupation: actor/model faceclaim: havana rose liu similar to: giselle (enchanted), luna lovegood (harry potter), jessica day (new girl), phoebe buffay (friends), alice cullen (twilight), ariel (the little mermaid), penny pingleton (hairspray)

BULLET POINTS:

— born to two very wealthy australian parents with ties to the entertainment industry (an awarded actress mother & esteemed director father), it was really just a matter of time before dior began participating herself. — growing up she enjoyed most of what came with being in an upper class family, more of a socialite than anything else. she acted in various roles as a young girl, but stopped once she turned ten (she preferred drawing, at that point). she began modeling when she turned fourteen, at the recommendation of one of her mother’s friends. this naturally developed into her wanting to resume acting, as it “just seemed fun”. — blissfully unaware of most things & able to be delightfully weird in the way only nepo babies can. she will also fully acknowledge being a nepo baby, because she doesn’t understand viewing it as a bad thing. — most of her acting roles were small, since she was just doing them to have fun. her big break came when she started as belly in the summer i turned pretty, & now being cast as cleo in the h2o reboot (she’s so excited & very eager to play cleo, since she was her favorite of the three as a kid). — known as a spacecase because she kind of is. loves crystals, the moon, & the way water shimmers when light hits it. quite sensitive at times but is easy to make friends with and loves her friends to death (always buying them gifts, the personification of “this reminded me of you so i got it). very go with the flow but as a result is pretty flippant about things.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

— anyone dior accidentally left broken hearted because she’s incapable of realizing when things aren’t just haha funny and are actually serious feelings — flirtationships (it’s dior giggling and sending heart emojis) — dior’s flavor of the week (she thinks she’s in love with every attractive person she passes on the street) — best friend ! the yin to her yang the sun to her stars the person you’d think she’s in love with with how much she clings onto them (she isn’t) (she’ll say she is to confuse everyone). — close friends, maybe people she met growing up in the industry or who she’s seen with a lot. — fwb — frenemies, enemies, idk she’s very easily hated go for it — bad influence on her — anything n everything

PAST ROLES:

— belly conklin in the summer i turned pretty — lamina in the ballads of songbirds and snakes

#2000s.intro

[groggygrogu]

drabble that’s been sitting in my drafts for months now - also here on ao3 :)

—

Construction Corner with Joel Miller

__

It was irritating how quickly she found herself warming up to the older Miller, Maria thought. It wasn’t like the man made tons of effort to get into her good graces, aside from his automatic Southern politeness. Six months in and he was still gruff and distrustful, mapping her every move with Ellie like a hawk.

The thing was, she couldn’t blame him - not really. She got it, not completely but she understood him more than most of the others did. What really pissed her off, if she was being honest, was how much she trusted Joel. Not with everything, don’t get her wrong, but with patrol duty, stables and most importantly her own daughter. The feeling was quite clearly not mutual.

It was just, he was a goddamn baby whisperer, it turned out. Tommy had mentioned it years ago, in reference to Sarah of course, how quickly her father could get her to sleep just by being there. As reluctant as she first was to hand her child off to a man who’s past she knew far too much of, she couldn’t deny how right it looks - Sofia’s tiny blanketed form encased in her uncle's large, steady hands.

He became the number one babysitter very quickly.

And it wasn’t just Sofia. The teenagers of Jackson took quite the liking to him. Once they’d gotten over the intimidation (pretty easily, she might add) he became some kind of idol. Grumpy and more than a little stand-offish but the tales of his trek across the country seemed to outweigh his less attractive traits.

Ellie was somewhat to blame for this phenomenon, bragging about their infamous journey at every chance she got. Maria wasn’t complaining about that in particular - when they first arrived, it was quite a different picture. The teenager certainly hadn’t been bragging then, barely speaking, in fact. She’d take this version of Ellie over six months ago any day of the week.

As it got closer to the colder period of the year, there was a rush to get certain building jobs finished - extra houses for newcomers and new and improved stables for the winter months. Joel was of course very much part of this effort. In fact, Tommy pretty much put him in charge. Maria wouldn’t comment on the nepotism at play there, having better things to waste her breath on.

—

There was an hour left of daylight when she arrived at the edge of town. At the time, half a dozen men were working on the largest of the new builds, shouting between each other in a mix of English and Spanish as the scaffolding went up. They were ahead of schedule, she noted.

The next thing she noted was the small gathering of adolescents standing four feet away from her. In the centre was none other than Mr Joel Miller. From what she could tell, he was illustrating something with his hands, drawing straight lines in the air and explaining himself ever so earnestly.

She had to admit, she was curious. A quick glance over to the half built structure located her husband and she nodded towards her brother in law. Tommy grinned and jumped down from the platform he was perched on.

He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and the soft smile that seemed to be reserved for just her and Sofia, and maybe Ellie on a good day.

“You’re walkin’ in on Construction Corner with Joel Miller here, sugar.”

Maria raised an eyebrow - what the fuck is that?

“Joke me n’Tess used to have going. Whenever he goes off on his contracting bullshit, history of some estate or whatever.”

“I wouldn’t expect the teenagers to be quite so riveted.” She mused gently. “Although I suppose anything from Before is exciting to that lot.”

“Neither, but they think he’s very ‘cool’ don’t they?”

“Jealous, love?” She laughed, noting his (mostly lightheaded) scowl.

“No.”

“Mhm.”

Her attention was drawn back to the small gathering, now chattering over each other with varying levels of enthusiasm. From what Maria could tell, Joel seemed gruffly bemused (as per usual) and underneath it all, more than a little proud.

“Oi, Joel,” Tommy yelled across.

The older Miller looked up, an eyebrow raised in question but it didn’t look like he was planning on joining them.

“You can finish up here, right?”

Joel nodded curtly, eyes skating over Maria before his attention was caught once again by the teens. One of them had asked a question.

“Well, you see, things were built different back then. We had all sortsa folk we had to work with and get ‘em all agreein’ which…”

Maria tuned out Joel’s explanation and leant into her husband.

“Home time?”

“Let’s get you home, darlin’.”

#the last of us #tlou #ellie williams #joel miller #fanfic #ao3 #tommy miller #maria #found family

[nancypullen]

Thursday

It’s been a lovely couple of days and that’s mostly due to being able to play in the dirt.  It’s hard for me to remember that we’re not on Tennessee time anymore and I can’t rush the planting and blooming schedule.  If I’m being honest, I tried to rush it in Tennessee too and I was always the lady running out in a nightgown to cover tender plants to protect them from a late spring frost.  Having said all that, I’m ready.  Seeds have been sown, shrubs planted, soil prepared for bedding plants, and I’ve got an itchy trowel hand.  I need some red vinca and everything else will fall into place.  Send a wish into the universe that my Zinnia seeds all pop up.  They’ve never failed me in the past but I’m having to learn about new dirt.  In Tennessee I had to learn all sorts of tricks for growing things in clay. Now I have sandier soil.  Clay holds moisture, sand does not. The flowers beds I don’t worry about, I’ve added plenty of good soil and nutrients to those. Crossing my fingers that everything bursts into bloom and makes us the prettiest house on the street.  I love this time of year, all of the planning and hoping and little victories - that’s good for my soul.

Aside from playing in the dirt, I’ve been painting again. I picked up a very ugly cupboard at auction for two dollars.

It’s heavy and solid, so the bones are good.  I don’t know why they’d put a pressed wood top on such a sturdy cabinet, but it’s fine for my purposes.  I may have to cut a little strip of trim for the front, but that’s easy enough. A little wood glue and you’re in business. Anyway, I cleaned her off and removed that ugly hardware.

Bet I could make some witchy Halloween jewelry out of those.

I’ll be using this for extra storage in my craft room and probably sitting my Cricut on top of it.  Since it’s going in that room, I decided to use the leftover paint from my desk rather than buy new.  I had plenty, why spend more?

I got the first coat on and let it dry.

I went back and touched up spots that I missed and then let it dry. Today I put on the second coat, let it dry, and attached new hardware.

Much better.

Two bucks for the cabinet, some paint that I already had, and just under ten dollars for the handles. Twelve dollars total for some pretty craft storage is a WIN!  It still seems a bit plain to me and you know I like lots of foo-foo and fuss.  I may have to add some roses.  I’m definitely adding roses. Speaking of roses, it’s almost KENTUCKY DERBY TIME!  I look forward to the run for the roses every spring.  I’ve spent the last few weeks tracking horses, checking points, reading lineage charts, and still making my pick based on names and silks.  Although there are gray horses (my favorite!) in this year’s race, I’ve actually picked a bay.  I’m going with Practical Move.  The name reminds me of Practical Magic (a favorite movie),and the trainer and the owners have great backstories.  I’ll probably regret it. Practical Move is the youngest horse in the field, his jockey is 0 for 1 in the derby, his trainer is 0 for 2, but this horse has never finished out of the top three. Dare I hope?  Right now I think his odds are 14-1 which isn’t bad at all.  Could be worse.  They’ll draw for post position on May 1st and that can hurt the chances of even the best horse.  I think the smart money is on Forte, there’s a lot of fuss over him and he’s been winning, winning, and winning.  I just don’t get a good vibe. How many times have we seen the favorite fail to cross the finish line first?  Plenty.  I may eat these words on May 6th, but I gotta’ go with my gut.  If I don’t, then I have to do math (points, odds,etc) and I’ll do just about anything to avoid math. Besides, who can resist a horse whose parents are named Practical Joke and Ack Naughty?  Not me.

Alright, bringing this nonsense to a close.  The mister is upstairs on a Zoom photography club meeting, so I’m going to go soak in a bubble bath and read for a while. Fresh air and turning the dirt makes me tired.  Maybe it’s the pasta dish I made for dinner.  We rarely eat pasta and now I remember why.  It’s heavy in the tummy.  Definitely having salads for dinner tomorrow. That’s all from me. Go have a lovely evening. Have a treat, watch your favorite show, lose yourself in a wonderful book, or just sit outside and count stars. Feed your soul something good. Sending out lots of love tonight, enough for everyone. Getcha’ some. Stay safe, stay well, XOXO, Nancy

[sjweminem]

do you miss your dad in a quantitive way? ive recently lost someone close to me and it hurts but you seem to be coping so well even tho its been years

i think a whole lot of it has to do with some of my own illnesses/disabilities (especially autism and SZPD), actually, as well as a severely trauma-ridden life..so i guess the """""""short"""""""" version (literally this fucking essay IS a short rundown) of the deal is this:

not only was i born with a predisposition for emotional scarcity, but also live the damage done by a life so harsh it just drains you of the more basic human emotions. i think that's why i'm so obsessed with math? everything is an equation to me. now, i loved my dad more than anybody on earth, but i don't know what "grief" means since i wasn't equipped with it, i don't think i know what it means to be "sad" (i'm recalling this old journal entry in which i said i was jealous of people who got sad, cuz like their mom died or they had a breakup or put their dog down etc. because my definition of the word "sadness" portrays it as a state of being with an inherent end-point, and good god did i wish i could be sad for that fact alone (i still have that journal, i can post that page or others if anybody wants, it's probably explained better there). the last time i cried was in drug detox like 3 years ago and that was due simply to the physical pain of opiate withdrawal. otherwise i straight up CANNOT cry, it's like i'm physically incapable of it. i think the ability has been taken.

it would make sense to cry over my dad, that exact moment while i was talking to him and felt life exit and soften the hand i was holding; at the moment we were looking each other in the eye and then suddenly..weren't. no tears; the mathematical equation had just been completed- when you become an adult it is the natural progression of things and has been for millennia. it made sense, it added up.

maybe, for weeks to come, it looked to others like i was repressing my Sadness (my WHAT?), that i wasn't letting myself Mourn (umm i don't think anyone ever taught me that ability?) but i'm still like that to this day. personally i just appreciate that i had him as a father, that he cared for me while my mother worked, taking me out for fun little adventures. i love that i had a father who so openly showed his love for me, was affectionate and never closed-off, and also he was brilliant and hilarious. moving on, i appreciate that the remainder of his life post-diagnosis was bright, that he moved in with us, that he and i got to be close again, that he continued with his passions. i hope you can gather past memories/positive facts to be seen through this kind of lens that eases your hurt.

i'm proud that i was the one to take care of him, driving him to and staying around for every single chemo session, sitting up next to his bed where he'd watch me draw in amazement. i'm delighted that the very last thing he felt while still a living human was my hand on his, that the very last thing he ever saw was my smiling face, that the last thing he ever heard was my voice. that's enough for me. i don't understand why i should feel hurt. i have plenty of "oh man i wish my dad could see this drawing!/hear about this stupid thing i did today!/etc but i mean..hey, i wish a lot of things! i wish i lived with mobius in a little house in maine! i wish there weren't so many dirty dishes in the sink right now! i wish my skin didn't get so dry no matter what i do why is it so fucking dry! i don't dwell. maybe the fact that i can't feel sadness and loss and whatever but am still able to feel love and affection work out in this case.

all that being said though, i wouldn't call any of this "coping well"- i just never HAD to cope. and i wanna make sure this doesn't come off as braggy abt how Strong i am or make you feel jealous for how i handled this loss!! like i come on here for people and content and i cuz i think i'm funny but the downside is it can project an inaccurate picture. like even if you've read the worst of the worst about my life and self i've cared to mention here over the years you've still only read the children's edition. if anybody ASKED for a real rundown i'd be totally fine writing that dissertation and pop some pics in for extra fun but i'm not the kind of person who whines all woe is me on their social media as if everyone cares lmao

#anonymous #correspondence

[doga-a-god]

Chaotic Academia

i have been obsessed with dark academia for the past - idek. week? maybe. and the thing is i was stressing over an aesthetic bc it just seemed very unattainable. im not elegant, planned, organised or calm. im very much a messy stress ball but instead of helping people release stress, i get stressed with them, adding to my own stress. BUT i suddenly got the urge to look up "chaotic academia" and YES. THAT'S ME. i get so stressed that i failed miserably last year when everyone else passed. i get so messy that i don't want to enter my studio as it irritates me and im too tired to tidy shit up. i get so lazy that i eat bread and cheese for days, just so 1. i won't cook and 2. i won't wash dishes. i get so depressed that i refuse to leave bed except to go to VERY NECESSARY LABORATORY CLASSES (and pee). but i still love art. in every possible way. i listen to music non-stop while im too depressed to leave bed. when i can, i go to museums for hours (as they are free for students) and buy my favorite pieces' postcards to put them on my wall. i despise going to school for classes but i spend entire saturdays for "scientific illustrations" workshops bc i love biology and i love drawing and what could be better than putting them together?? my brain refuses to learn from school and yet i watch random educational videos for fun every day and do research and i LOVE it when i can use my knowledge on further researches. my studio/dorm room is not an aesthetic and elegant place with brown colors and antiques everywhere, neither is my campus. my dorm's doors are bright green, my curtains are gray and my couch/bed is red. random stuff like bowls and towels are pink and everything else is just not aesthetically pleasing at all. my campus is just a few modern buildings and a lot of ugly industrial buildings. im also not aesthetically pleasing. im slightly chubby with bright pink hair and absolutely no style. i want to read books so much but i can't leave my computer or phone for some reason. im struggling with socializing with students and teachers although i desperately want the approval of them. i want to take neat notes and understand them but i fall asleep almost every class. and if im awake, i get irritated as my hand gets tired and my writing gets uglier so i give up. i don't understand the classes or the notes but i want to learn everything and be on top of the class. im very close to becoming an alcoholic as i drink at least twice a week i think. my university life is extremely chaotic and i hate it but at least we're romanticizing it so i hate it a little less than before.

#dark academia #chaotic academia #aesthetic #academia #university #university life #im dying out here

[ratking-lyrr]

This week has been hellish. Necessary and good for my health, but painful. I just want to write about it to have it out there in the open and maybe mark the day, because right now things are going to get better. This is going to get a bit long so I'm putting it under a cut.

After a lot of reflection, I've come to realize I've been used an abused for a long time. Maybe not groomed specifically, but I was absolutely pulled into adult spaces as a kid. Like, when I was in junior high school. And, well, manipulated into doing kink and fetish art and roleplay for people. It started small and innocent, then slowly became more overt, by a rotating cast of creeps. It sucks. It's another aspect of my life that leads me to feel like I never got to be a kid properly.

I think a lot of my problems stem from this. Those people would get upset with me if I talked to people outside that space, shame me for experimenting or drawing SFW art, and get angry if I was playing games or doing schoolwork instead of roleplaying. And even now, as an adult, sometimes one reaches out to insult me. "Why are you not drawing kink stuff? I like your normal fursona more, so stop drawing that stupid ugly cat (Pascal.) You're disappointing your fans. Draw what WE want." And that still does affect me. I still don't talk much outside of a few people and I spend a lot of time laying down, inactive. A lot of my artistic progress has regressed over the year because of it. I'm sure you might have noticed I'm not as experimental as I was last spring and summer.

I've managed to properly cut off all of those people as well as I can, as of this morning. Blocking accounts, exiting Discords, that sort of thing. Most were banned, inactive or nobody accounts. A few were genuine people that did apologize or weren't actually aware of my age at the time, but we've still closed off contact. Whoever slips through the cracks now really doesn't matter to me anymore, so I think I can call myself free. And I can be open about it. None of them care about my page here.

All that said, despite everything, I'm still who I am now because of that. I've been piecing myself back together over this past year or so and this was one of the toughest bits to figure out. Tossing the people and the memories. I'm glad to be rid of my abusers. I'm not going to turn a negative into a positive. What I went through sucks and I hope no one else ever has to. I should find a way to live with it for my well being, at least.

I still love what I do. I'm still a kinky asexual, though I wish I could have discovered that in my own time. I still love to make NSFW (and SFW, of course) for my actual friends, with permission. It feels empowering to have turned that around into a show of care and affection for those close to me, as opposed to just a product for the people that used to act like they cared. I'm still an artist, no matter what.

I think I'm happier now. My head is certainly clearer and I feel like a burden's gone now that I shouldn't have to deal to those people. It was tough and stupid, but I should have more space to flourish.

#talk tag #venting #CW for: #childhood trauma #manipulation