#i want to give up so fucking badly

[softcryz]

Cat with homophobia in it's eyes

#zoc scrambled #zoc artwork #rain world #rw oc #rw iterator #zoc shack #LANDS_EDGE #this was just a warm up #the brain has been wanting to draw so so badly but my hands won't allow it #Him with pupils still feels incredibly strange to me but my friends want him carnally when I draw him with them #so #hypothetical him with pupils #they're like screens and he can project whatever the fuck he wants with them #but also him showing pupils is INSANELY rare . Even if you scare him #It is just not something he'd do he'd much prefer having the blank eyes surprisingly #“why did you put paint on your optics you can /literally/ just give yourself pupils” “nuh uh” “ WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NUHUH” #|| <- uh #IF YOU SAW ME.. REPOST THIS #No you didn't <3

[poisonousquinzel]

"a dude in Texas legally changed his name to "Literally Anyone Else" and he's attempting to run for President against Biden & Trump" [source]

okay, but putting aside the comedic aspect of this, it is concerning the amount of people who are prompted to vote for candidates just because it's funny. I'm not the biggest fan of how his policy about the boarder sounds [Site], but I do implore anyone who is able to vote in the 2024 US election to please research other candidates.

The media is only going to continue pushing the idea it's inevitably going to be Trump vs Biden 2.0 and we have no other options, that we have to vote for Biden again because of Project 2025. Is that whole thing terrifying?

Yeah, fucking absolutely.

But voting for Biden will not solidify our safety from that. Biden is exactly like the rest of them. He always has been. You can't make the lesser of two evils argument when they're both just plain evil.

You cannot say that Biden is even mildly a better choice than Trump when he is currently directly involved in a genocide. That is not some little fucking thing. That in and of itself disqualifies him as a lesser evil. Biden is just as bad as him and he will not save us because he doesn't fucking care.

Cornel West [Site] is an Independent candidate running for President in the 2024 Election. [Policies]

Claudia De la Cruz and Karina Garcia [Site] are running for President and Vice-President as the candidates of the Party for Socialism and Liberation in the 2024 Election. [Policies]

There are options.

There are people trying to change the corrupt foundation our system is built on, but we have to help amplify them because the mainstream media will not.

#have you looked at what's happening in New York & the subways #There's so many reported shootings and deaths and it just seems to be getting worse. #I just looked up subway shooting ny because I wanted to check before saying something #There's reports from like 3 hours ago about someone getting pushed in front of one of the moving subways & there's so many others #or how about the like thousands of police officers that they've got stationed at subways in ny literally doing fuck all #or how everyone's going through a housing crisis and cant afford rent and cant get medical care because it can cost #$4000 to get a fucking ambulance and that's cheap. That's a ride to the hospital less than 20 minutes away probably. #or the rise in hate crimes and bigotry and all the shit they're now trying to censor with the kosa bill #or how terrifying places like Florida have became for anyone thats not seen as an equel by people who dont view most others as equels. #or how they're pouring billions into wars while we're in the midsts of a homeless crisis #suicide rates are at record levels in the us and it's only going to get worse. theyre pulling telehealth which will take away #life saving medical care for people who dont have the ability to go in person. people's ability to get therapy and meds being taken away #Is going to kill people. or how the Biden administration has fucked up their Covid response so goddamn badly #people are referring to the pandemic in past tense and have lost understanding for others who they'd have understood before #they've lied and they've concealed and its killing millions of people and disabling even more. but they will not take accountability. #long covid is ruining people's lives and they've successfully led the narrative that its not real or not that serious. #they will sit there and they will lie. they will say they've protected women's rights and that its a top priority. #they'll say that healthcare is a top priority but have suggested that they'd veto a healthcare for all bill because of its price tag #but will spend billions and billions and billions on a genocide that the majority is against. the system isn't going to begin collapsing #it already is. #its crumbled and we must demolish the corrupt remains and rebuild a better government that gives a shit about people #ALL people. #they use basic human rights as bargaining chips. #the Democrats and Republicans on a Venn diagram is a circle. wake up.

[ftmbruce]

i have been rolling him around in my empty ass head all day like he's a beyblade with no opponent, hes just lazily whirling around in there bouncing against the walls even when i ask him nicely to stop.

#goofy ass loser... #the batman #battinson #im just. THINKING! #i need him to have a harvey so badly. after a whole movie showing how much of his character is his life threateningly devoted loyalty and #admiration for people. he falls in love SO hard. and this bruce clearly doesn't have a string of not-bat exes but i think harv is #definitely number one. bc he could so easily just appear in tbm2 and i think rpatz could give him one look and it would channel everything #that we need to know about those two. #i just want tbm2 to be robin year one. fucked up things happening to harvey dent and dick grayson and bruce wayne interchangably. #twobats i guess #bruceposting

[dragonseeds]

there’s a horrible sickness in me that makes me want to stop and replay da:i whenever i start a different game. how am i supposed to resist the story of my own unwilling apotheosis? especially as lavellan, who doesn’t believe in the maker and who has every right to hate and mistrust the chantry but chooses to use what power they have to try save people, to fix what’s broken, no matter how afraid they are or how careful they have to be. walking side by side with the great trickster god/adversary of your people without knowing, befriending him, changing his mind about this world but ultimately not his choice. he understands what’s happening to you because it happened to him once and he gives you his castle, built over the place where he sundered the world, and paints your story there in frescos that will last long after you’re gone and after the story has been retold and reshaped so many times that the truth of who you are and what you did is lost—just as he did his own story, which was lost and perverted by war and propaganda, and he shows all of this to you knowing you’ll understand because you’ve lived through something similar, grown into something larger than yourself and your true name, and it doesn’t change anything but. he wanted you to see him just for a moment, even if he can’t tell you everything (or almost anything) and you can’t save him—because he owes it to you as a someone who is a friend, almost an equal, and because there’s no one else left who knows: a direct result of what he did to your people and which he now seeks to undo at the cost of this world.

#dragon age #solas #literally i am ILL #i love religious trauma and stifling hypocrisy and walking carefully so carefully through a place i don’t belong but i’ve chosen to be #and questioning everything and losing and discovering myself over and over #and accidentally becoming friends with my work colleagues #and most importantly dating an actual god who is just a nerdy little guy who keeps fucking everything up #he’s such a liar but he wants to badly to tell the truth but he can’t he won’t #yet he only really lies through omission and speaks carefully so as not to give himself away #ok and also he very much wanted the anchor and manipulated that whole situation #but he also shows you who he is and tells you a sliver of the truth #and he didn’t have to do that! but he chose to—he wants you to see him and on some level to save him from his path i think #also i debated sooo long about the phrasing ‘almost an equal’ because i think he does consider everyone as worthy of life & choice as him! #but ultimately he is making the decisions of a god whether or not he acknowledges himself as one #he is deciding for a whole world—so i think there’s some cognitive dissonance there #and i went with almost #i’m fr stalled out in the middle of bg3 like i miss solas i miss my work friends

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Bro I was reenacting the "Just So" clip while I was putting away the dishes and when Frank yelled at Barnaby I was gonna say "oi fuck you" y'know because I was being silly but what came out was an almost PERFECT imitation of Barnaby's voice- I couldn't even finish the "fuck you" because I broke down laughing

Btw the reason this is so funny is because I'm a 5'2" Latino AFAB with NO experience in voice acting whatsoever yet for some reason the spirit of Giant Blues Clues decided my vocal chords were the PERFECT place to set up real estate

Anyway peace and love

HAGHASBCAKJSCNAKLD I WHEEZED

#the spirit of giant blues clues were the perfect place to set up real estate #PLEASSSSEEEEEEE #how dare you people come into my inbox and be leagues funnier than me- #fuck now i really want to hear barnaby's va say 'fuck you' In His Voice... what i wouldnt give... #i think it would heal something in me! i can imagine it well enough but to Hear It... #but yeah thats so fucking funny. peace and love Indeed! #rambles from the bog #i actually had a similar experience once if you dont mind me uno reverse carding you #when i lived with my mom i made a game out of trying to scare her #so one night shes downstairs in the dark. messing with the printer by the light of the stairs #and i am not a light person by any means. but im fucking Quiet. i regularly sneak up on my cats #so i snuck up behind her- #and im afab w/ no experience in va too. my voice is a lot higher than id like it to be. #but holyyyy shit when i said 'Hello' - STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER MIND YOU!!! - my voice dropped Several octaves #im talking roadhog from overwatch level deep. deeper than mark introing three scary games #im talkin Downright Demonic The Devil Himself Possessed Me deep. deep as the marianas trench #to this day i have never startled or scared anyone that badly. she literally almost fell over. i saw true fear in her eyes #so. 🤝

[carefulfears]

top 5 (or 10 if you have em) scully taking care of mulder moments <3

she said IF i have 10 😭😭😭

1/ sein und zeit

i fear i have talked about this television scene more times than anyone has ever talked about a television scene....like. one, two, three, four, i was even foolishly invited onto a podcast to talk about it more...

my tags here:

she gets down on the Ground. there's something so primal about it. there's such a lack of pretense and sense of desperation about it. the way he hits the table. we so Rarely see him lash out like that. but it's just too much to Bear. like everything in him is just Breaking the only thing that he's even remotely been able to hold onto amidst all of the unbearable loss and trauma in his life has failed. he's fumbling around for anything that might make it better. that audries fic describing him in this moment as an 'addict out of a fix' with 'newborn anger.' “this is the world? this is it?” it's the way that he spends this whole ep cooking up some elaborate mythology about missing children and how they can be found and then the last shot of the episode is that wide shot of all of the children's graves. sometimes he's just wrong. the world is so much fucking darker and uglier sometimes than the way he sees it. and that's what is crashing down around him in this moment. and she's sitting in the wreckage holding him tight.

this is such brave, brave love. i keep thinking about CSM in the following episode, standing in scully's apartment, warning her. "allow him his ignorance, it's what gives him hope."

she doesn't know what will happen to him, to her, to them, when she breaks down the only method of coping that he has. his mother lost her bedrock too, and she didn't survive. from the moment scully enters, you can watch it break her. she does it anyway. she gets down on the ground, and she cries, and she holds him. god, it all just would've been so different, if there'd been just 1 person, 27 years ago.

(thinking about mulder reaching up to hold scully when missy died, and these tags asking: did anyone hold him, when it was his sister?)

i love the show's message on grief (and trauma), in that this is all that is necessary for "closure." there is no "Truth," (and there really isn't any closure, there's no "beyond" the sea). but it matters that someone knows. it matters that someone bears witness. it matters that someone tells you the truth, even when it fucking breaks their heart. sits in the destruction with you.

the exhaustion in her voice the next morning, when she tells skinner, "it's been a hard night for him." she's still wearing her work clothes from the day before. she was up all night. she's tired, and she's scared, and she's sad. it's been a hard 7 years. it's been a hard 27 years.

it makes me tear up every time i see it, the way she blocks him in the doorway. she's not moving. this is just so scully. it's not even starbuck, it's just so scully. she would keep him in that apartment where she could cover him and control what touches him forever, if she could. (she can't, so you're not taking him anywhere without her. the way she looks her boss in the eye and tells him he better book her a flight too. brave love.)

2/ demons

god, this one just makes me sad. this might be the one that makes me saddest. she's dying. she doesn't have it in her, anymore. i talked about this in my newsletter (and i wrote a fic about it once) but this is like...the only time where she never calls him out on what he's doing. she never yells. she never rolls her eyes. she never gets frustrated with him. she doesn't have it in her. she's dying. he will be alone. she won't be here the next time. what can she even do about it?

i always think about this post:

and you know she is thinking about how if she hadn’t been there he would’ve died. and how the next time he does something like this, she won’t have enough life left in her to keep them both alive. she might not even have enough left for herself. and she’ll give whatever she does have left to him, but it won’t be enough to save either of them. she’ll die cold and pale and he’ll burn himself out. and what can she do but hold him? who will he have when she’s gone? what will he do to himself? who will he call?

and these tags:

this is so cautious and tender and apologetic. sorry for all the pain he feels constantly. and sorry that nothing can ease it. and sorry that she is dying and leaving him like this.

she started writing to him as soon as she was diagnosed, begging. begging forgiveness, begging courage, begging grace. begging for him to not feel there was anything more he could've done, to not become the next cause he is lost in. for him to keep going, as she needs to know he's "out there."

but she's seen him hold a gun to himself too many times, and she knows he's coming down with her. and it's such a loss? this is a person she gave up everything, including her life, to follow, because she believed in him and what he wanted to do in the world that much. but things are different now. he won't survive this. he won't be "out there" saving the world.

what can she do? go to rhode island at 5am, wrap him up. stay quiet, stay still, but scream and thrash at anyone who's careless with him. sink down next to him, cover him, hold him. "maybe we need every answer in the world to survive a single question: how long do we have each other?" (x)

(also, her memento mori journal, in general. she sat in that hospital alone, for days, knowing she was going to die. and she wrote letter, after letter, after letter, to him. so that he would have something. so that he wouldn’t be left alone with nothing, again.)

3/ the end

"as mulder appears. the look on his face is of a man who's seeing, smelling, and tasting the loss of everything he has worked for. it's the look of utter defeat. angle on scully at the door. she sees only mulder right now...she moves to him now. putting her arms around him, holding on to keep him from breaking. off this, we fade out. the end." (script)

i think so often about the script notes of this scene. the description of mulder, as absorbed in destruction. everything that he's worked for, literally reduced to (cigarette) ash. scully only focused on him.

in the final angle of the season, you can really see how she's standing in front of him. her fingers clutching him. but when she first grabs him, it's so tentative. it almost feels like she's trying to see if he's still there, if he exists, if his work doesn't.

this is...the whole thing! there's a reason why this was "the end." the final image of this iteration of the series, before everything changes. this is what it is all about. it's mulder walking headfirst into the devastation of the world. drenched in loss. seeing it. smelling it. tasting it. surrounded by it. and it's scully knowing what he'll find even as he's still moving (this script note, from the hallway: "reverse on scully. returning the look. knowing what mulder is going to find. and what it will mean.")

following behind. eyes on him, while he takes in the ash. just holding on for dear life; trying to keep him close, whole.

(also, i love the moment before the fire, at his apartment, after diana was shot. the way scully tells skinner that he can reach her at mulder's if he needs her, because that's where she'll be. he doesn't even have a bed, or anywhere for her to stay!! she's not leaving him.)

4/ paper hearts

oh, starbuck. we are really in it now.

paper hearts is an ahab and starbuck episode, yes. but mostly it's about grief. mostly it's about harsh awakenings. mostly it's about confrontation with fear, scully's included.

one of the most haunting moments of the series, to me, is when they speak to the father of the 14th victim, twenty-one years after his daughter went missing. and through tears, the father says, "i used to think...that missing was worse than dead, because...you never knew what happened. now that i know, i'm glad my wife's not here. she got luckier."

in that moment, as mulder looks over at the photos on the mantle, missing is not worse than dead. it is not worse than knowing. and later that day, in his first scene, roche calls it exactly as it is: "i understand you take this very personally, mulder."

i've written about this scene in the hallway so many times, because it's truly the crux of this episode (my favorite episode).

from my newsletter:

There’s something so viscerally deep about this episode that’s hard to put into words, but to me, it is most palpable in the moment in the hallway when Mulder asks Scully if she believes that his sister was abducted by aliens. And you can see in his face that he knows the answer, and he’s challenging her to come out and say it. You can see in Scully’s that she would rather admit to anything else.

he's challenging her. he's taking their entire dynamic, and throwing it in her face. not to be cruel. not to disrupt. but just to say...so what now? isn't this what you believe?

i don't think that they've ever been so fragile, as in this hallway, honestly. they rarely threaten to break it all down. their entire lives are built on him walking up to tragedy and saying: it was aliens. it was XYZ. and her following behind saying: no. it was a killer, it was a man.

what does that mean? what is she really saying?

this episode is hard on scully. mulder has never been more haunted. there has never been a bigger reminder of what they are actually doing. they are not just chasing little green men, having adventures, studying sewer worms. they are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. they are trying to find a "truth" that they do not want to know. they are living their lives in mourning, in bereavement, in remembrance, of a missing little girl, and scully is terrified that they'll find her. that it will be exactly like roche threatens. that missing is not worse than dead.

and there is no one else. there is no one else that even knows how haunted he is. how stuck he is, in that childhood bedroom, like he said all those years ago. how deeply sad it is.

it's all of the little things. it's the "you did good work, mulder" in the beginning. it's the way she asks if he's okay to go tell the 14th victim's family. it's way she exclaims "oh my god" when roche says that he just wants to see mulder's face, when he finds samantha's body. one of the few times that we ever see scully lose control, but she just stands up and screams, opens the door and wordlessly waits for mulder to get up and get out of there.

it's the way that she hears "help me, scully" and digs in the dirt, with her bare hands.

(you can tell in his eyes here that he's been crying, and it really gets to me. there's so much that we don't see.)

in the end, they're back in the basement. nothing left but one scrap of tattered fabric, one more lost failure. it's over. she just comes down to check on him.

the progression of scully's face in this last scene is just unbelievably gut-wrenching to me. her smile, when she tells him to get some sleep, and he laughs. the way it disappears when he holds her, and can't see her anymore. with his mother, flashing that smile and hugging her was all that it took to convince her not to worry. when he repeats the same actions with scully, she looks like she could break.

this post:

Episodes like this make me think how alone - not just lonely, but truly alone - Mulder was before her. Nobody lost sleep over him falling apart under the fist of decades old trauma. Nobody grappled with him, let him wrestle his grief against them, and still stayed. Nobody visited him in the hospital, flew to Alaska, lied for him, stayed by his bed for days straight without an extra change of clothes. Nobody else knew he was suffering or wanted to, knew it more than he knew. That end of Paper hearts where she tells him to get some sleep, he laughs at the ridiculousness of it, but also out of incredulity at having someone to wish for better on his behalf. The heartbroken look on her face as he’s laughing into her waist seems to be her coming to the same realisation; “Who looked after you before? How long did you feel like this on your own?”

she is heartbroken. there is so much grief, in being starbuck. there's grief in being needed. there's grief in following ghosts. there's grief in loving someone who is so encased in pain, in loss. he will not go home and get some sleep. a well-placed joke, that smile, a hug, does not convince her that he's okay. he hurts so much, for so long, and he has one person who knows it. and all they do is keep moving: closer and closer to that breaking point that she is so afraid of, and they can't stop.

5/ redux ii

remember when dana scully lied on her death bed and looked up at mulder as he told her that he was not willing to jeopardize skinner to save himself, and she replied, "well, then, you have to lay it on me."

the way he smiles and shakes his head, chokes out "i can't...i can't do that." through tears...they are so kind to each other. all that she has left in the world is her reputation, and she says: take it. take it all. take everything.

she cries when he won't do it.

6/ herrenvolk

okay, i wanna get into some slightly lighter ones, so y'all remember when she nearly fully knocked skinner into the wall, because mulder came in with a (checks notes) scratch on his face?

this is just so scully.

she is so panicked. she just wants to slow him down, to stand between him and the world for even one moment longer.

these tags:

she's almost begging him not to go in. the extent of her worry is heartbreaking. she loves him. it frightens her to know what awaits him.

one of the biggest conflicts of scully's character is that she just cannot stop him, she cannot shield him, she cannot protect him. the way she leans up here, and pulls him to her shoulder. covers him with a blanket. this is what she can do.

there is so much grief in being starbuck!! in loving someone who walks blindly into a world that you do not trust. in following someone into the worst night of their life: over, over, over. years, years, years. in being first mate, holding the responsibility on your shoulders of having to steer in a safe direction, only having one to choose from.

(i also think it's really special, all of the little moments where she checks in. in the previous episode, in the hospital hallway, the way she says "are you okay?" so softly.

in paper clip, when she makes him stop, and says "no, wait, hold on a second...i don't think you've had time to process everything that you've been through."

remnants of the girl who told him she'll cover for him and he should just go get a beer, take some time for himself, after jersey. who suggested he talk to someone, when jerry lamana died. she's always wanted so much for him, but she understands more now. there's still room to pause, for a moment, before he carries on.)

7/ anasazi

ladies, would you shoot your man with a gun, to keep him from endangering himself, while he was being laced with LSD, and then drag him across the country singlehandedly, while he was unconscious, despite him being twice your size? and this, too, is taking care.

the way she says, "i was certain they would have killed you, mulder." and the fear in her voice, his hand on her knee. (she is so young. she really doesn't know what to do, not as often as she seems like she does). the way he says, "thank you. thank you for taking care of me." they are so kind to each other. it'll break your fucking heart.

(i remember asking y'all a few weeks ago, if mulder and scully ever say "i'm sorry," if they ever apologize to each other. and we came up with a couple of times. i'll tell you what, though: not as often as they say "thank you.")

8/ fire

girlbosses when they singlehandedly solve serial murders, to get their best friend's shitty ex away from them!!! okay, i put this one on here because we were talking about it yesterday, but scully really does handle the entire situation with phoebe so perfectly, and that's hard to do, when you're dealing with friends and abusers.

trish, i loved this part of your post yesterday:

scully gives him the space to talk about it, never says too much but she says enough. her phrasing is SO important. she repeats what he just told her in a way that frames it as wrong.

she's a little rabid, lol. we can see it on her face when she's alone, or when mulder's not looking. but around him (around phoebe too) she's calm. she listens, she addresses what he tells her as bad, without pressing. when he tells her that she's off the case, that he doesn't want to expose her to what phoebe is doing, she asks one time: are you sure you don't want help?

he says yes, and she does it anyway. she catches that fucking murderer so that this woman can go home. just, like, an inspiration to us all.

trish's tweet:

really, truly, genuinely. scully solving the case in fire was the absolute best course of action she could have taken. get that woman out of here, an ocean away from mulder. (give him freedom, let him heal, teach him what real love feels like)

(her eyes locked in on him here, phoebe behind her. the way that when phoebe leaves the room, scully says, "you alright?" instantly.)

meeting phoebe just a few months into their partnership made her so fucking crazy like...i make fun of her for being sick in the head in regards to everyone he meets (men and women alike) and never wanting anyone around him other than her but like, my god, can you blame her!!! he's such a gentle person and people are so cruel and it makes her eyes bug out of her head.

yeah, i really don't have much else to say here, you guys. she solved a murder herself, a case that she wasn't even supposed to be working, so that his old gf would go away and stop being mean to him. she doesn't play!!

(also! while we're on the subject of abusive exes, honorable mention to scully cornering diana into an empty room and telling her to "just think" about who mulder is, who he was when she met him, compared to where he is now. "and then try and stand there in front of me. look me in the eye. and tell me mulder wouldn't bust his ass trying to save you.")

9/ deadalive

oh, you guys remember that time she raised him from the dead, right?

scully at 8 months pregnant, sitting in that hospital chair, holding his hand, for days. knowing he can’t feel it, knowing that there’s nothing that says he’ll ever wake up. that it’s impossible. that there is no science…yeah. she just sits there and holds his hand.

i love the moment when she finds out, and she comes barreling through that hallway. she hits skinner first, and starts yelling, “i want to see him. no, i need to see him,” slams her fists into his chest.

then she moves onto doggett. repeats, “i need to see him” through tears. and the way doggett says… “i know. but i wish you wouldn’t.”

she’s loved. they want to protect her, protect her image of mulder as she knew him. but they also both know she will fucking plow them down.

i always think of this fic and feel so ill:

“I pulled you six feet out of the ground,” she whispers, dangerously low. “Because I couldn’t live without you. I gave birth to your child.”

she fed his fish while he was in a casket. she planned a funeral and decorated a nursery alone, at the same time. she ran herself ragged all over the country, trying to keep his work going. she raised him from the dead.

(i also feel that i can throw in here, as related, the time that she busted him out of prison and then abandoned everything in her entire life including her career, her family, and everything she owns, to go on the run from the law and live secretly in seedy motels for years to be with him.)

10/ fight the future

there are too many contenders for my last spot, so i’m gonna keep it simple, and go with the most special movie moment. (of all movies).

from my newsletter:

“Mulder watches the spaceship as it flies overhead, his face glows with a heart-melting grin of childlike wonder and awe.”(x)

That’s exactly what it feels like to me, it’s an innocence and excitement that was so present in season one, that was all over him when he told Scully to come look in the second episode, but that’s rare to see in the later seasons. It’s rare to see at this point in their story, after all that’s happened. They are stranded in Antarctica, both of them injured, both of them freezing in the cold, and they are holding each other and gazing up at the sky. What a perfect thing in their big momentous feature, to bring it all back to what it started with.

there’s such a reverent sentimentality to it, in the simplicity. she had stopped breathing, a few minutes earlier. but when he passes out, she pulls herself up, and grabs onto him. keeps him alive, keeps them both alive, just by holding him close. that’s really the heart of it.

(also, i find it so moving that this film is the only time in the franchise that scully considers leaving, not working with him anymore, and it’s because she thinks she’s not good for him. that she’s holding him back. she never considers him as anything other than wanted, something worth believing in.)

some honorable mentions to: little green men, which i’ve written about here. (especially her secret-signaling him to their secret meet-up place, just to ask if he’s okay). the erlenmeyer flask, which i’ve talked about here. (she literally stops him in the street to tell him that she should have listened to him, and she’s sorry, because she should have trusted his instincts. that means so much, you guys). her telling colton she hopes he falls on his ass after he was making rude comments about mulder in squeeze, screaming at a serial killer that she’ll gas him into hell herself and no one will stop her, if mulder isn’t okay, in beyond the sea….she has threatened and shouted at and smacked around so many people for fucking with him, and this too is care!! (anger meaning you’re worth being angry over, etc etc)

how desperately she became frantic to find their son, after 17 years resigned to never ever looking for him, never ever endangering him that way…because she became convinced that it’s the only thing that would help mulder.

and how important samantha is to her. it matters. it matters, that sam is remembered. that someone else in the world knows. someone knows that they played baseball in the summers, that they fought over the television, that he’s looked for her in every room he’s ever been in. someone else cares about her; not as a white whale, not as a photo on a desk, as a little girl who broke her collarbone because she played on swings too hard. scully listened to her journal, and cried. listened to how much she suffered. how much she just wanted to see her big brother. (scully kept a journal like that, too, once. underwent those same tests. almost died at the hands of those same men. wrote her testimony to that same person.) it’s taking care of mulder, to love samantha. and she does.

#i got really really tired by the end but it is what it is #i want y'all to know #that i almost put 'trust no 1' on here #the way that she yells at doggett that she wants to see mulder 'SO BAD' #but in the end: writes to him that she just wants him to be okay even if she can't see him or hear from him #or even if he can't read what she sends him #and the way that she looks over at william in the stroller and puts her hand on his face #just like...that one semblance of mulder that she still has in her life and that she holds onto- in this baby #and he's growing up without his dad and she NEVER wanted that. #and mulder is writing to her that he just wants to come home to her and to will. #and how her voice shakes and she screams when she talks about how badly she just needs to see him. she feels so alone. #and there are only so many solar system onesies and star mobiles and lullabies from the florida woods that she can give #but ultimately she just wants him to be safe and alive and that's what she tells him and that's what she fights for with everyone else #but it's just so fucking unbearably sad and i couldnt do it after the first few i put on here ksjdfk #i would also say!! that her leaving him post-iwtb and their break-up was in a way taking care of him #getting the fuck out of that house. trying to save herself from that trap of grief. #then coming back when it was less haunted and he was healthier and it was able to be their home again #refusing to suffocate there just because he was. salvaging SOMETHING for him to come back to- and ALWAYS being available for that. #asks #sein und zeit #demons #the end #paper hearts #redux ii #herrenvolk #anasazi #fire #deadalive #ftf

[quietwingsinthesky]

you think sam ever wonders if dean would have tricked him into saying yes to lucifer again if it meant saving his life.

#like. disclaimer: Dean would Not do that. not even if he was desperate #up to you if you think it’s because that’s where he draws the line about disrespecting Sam’s autonomy #or because he’s just so fucking furiously jealous that Lucifer has already gotten so much of Sam to himself that dean won’t give him more #either way he Wouldn’t. but. sam doesn’t know that does he. #the facts sam has are 1) dean okayed an angel entering his body and 2) dean lied to him about an angel being in his body #and 3) dean probably would have kept lying about it after ‘Ezekiel’ left. never told Sam what was in him. #so what’s the difference between one angel and another really? especially since Lucifer could have made that offer with much more experience #of course he can patch Sam up. he’s done it before. he’s torn him up and put him back together so many times. child’s play really. #I think the only comfort Sam would have about this is that Lucifer would not be able to help himself from giving away the game #he wants Sam’s attention sooo badly. he’d want Sam to know that he’s healing him from the inside #well then. what’s worse. his brother lying to his face about the devil possessing him. or Lucifer being the one to tell him everything. #can Sam kick Lucifer out? yes I think so. does Sam think so? very different question. after all. he couldn’t push Lucifer out last time #that he let him (hallucifer) in <3 #spn #sam winchester #lucifer spn #Dean winchester

[caterpillarinacave]

#He’s like the embodiment of a little shit. Like look at that. Holy shit. #That there is the human version of a thorn on ones side. Whose side? Just about everyones #Fuck I love him. #I love him I love him. #It’s his show RWBY is a weird semi canon spinofff full of sidechaeacters #Should I talk about the burns on the eye thing? That I came up with all on my own but I twist to fit everything perfectly? #It would be a thing. How he hides more and more of that eye over time even though the scars show up pretty early in his life. #Anyways I want to hug him so badly. Let me put him in the backseat and take him somewhere safe please. #Let me give him the chance he wanted so badly the one he worked for the one he was denied #Fuck I have feelings. He wanted to be good he tried to be good he tried again and again ext ext you know the drill #Anywyas #roman torchwick #rwby

[swampthingking]

oh! oh </3 oh!! okay!

#he KNEW that apologizing in the nest was futile but when he thought riko was back he STILL APOLOGIZED #HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO WAS TOUCHING HIM BUT HE WAS ALREADY APOLOGIZING #his genuine confusion makes me SO SAD #he’s been through so much but he's still like. so...innocent #his “normal” is so fucked up. he can’t even fathom how wrong the things that happened to him were #he knows firsthand that apologizing does nothing to break his fall and he's like... “is this a trick?” #like “what do you mean you’re not going to beat the shit out of me after i accidentally hit laila in a triggered state?” #“what do you mean there are ways to solve problems without violence?” #and him saying “i can't promise it won’t happen again” (lashing out when triggered) #as in: when it happens again i am expecting to be punished #as in: i will apologize if that's what you want. if that means you won't hit me. if it pleases you. #as in: but when it happens again-do what you must. i will deserve it. #he’s been hurt so often so badly that protecting himself is second nature #he has never been around safe people #his first instinct is fight or flight #his body is protecting him before his brain can catch up #and he obviously does not want to hurt them #but its so fucking HEARTBREAKING because he KNOWS he won't be able to control it when fight or flight kicks in #and if they are going to be around him it is inevitable he will resort to violence. it is all he knows. #but he still cares enough to prepare them for that reality #like. “i can't promise i won't hurt you again” and “i don't mean to” and “punish me as you see fit” #he's giving them permission to HURT HIM for protecting himself #tsc spoilers #tsc #the sunshine court #all for the game #aftg #jean moreau #the foxhole court #tfc

[southern--downpour]

having upsetting thoughts about the “live” ending

#what would he think? would he think the audience just wants to see him suffer for as long as he's entertaining? #how do you feel being dragged away knowing you're going to loose every memory you've ever had after just getting them all back? #how do you come to terms with the fact that you *begged* to die and they refused you? #do you think h'ed fight back? or just accept his fate silently and let himself be dragged away by showfall's drones? #sorry genloss is giving me such severe brainrot #it hurts me so good #honest to god want to write stuff for this and i am not a writer #shut up virgil #genloss #like you know if chat picked live it'd be because we couldnt stand to kill him/had *some* kind of hope he could escape eventually #but he wouldnt know that #he'd just think that however many people (hundreds? thousands? he doesnt know) wanted him to suffer #i so fucking wish gl!ranboo could know just how badly chat wanted to find a way to save him #GENUINELY almost tied the poll 50/50 to find any other option than kill him or have him suffer #uwahhhhhhhh

[skitskatdacat63]

Hiii CATIE!!!!! HIII

Im pretty pretty sure people have already asked BUT HOW WAS ATTENDING THE US GP LIVE!!!! WAS???? TELL ME!! DO YOU HAVE PICS??? I know I know im late.

I ALSO HOPE YOU GOT HOME SAFE AND SOUND AND THAT YOU ARE RESTING NOW+!!!(I saw the chaos you went through im deeply sorry for you :( )

ANYWAYS HOW WAS THE RACE? HOW WAS EXPERIENCING STROLLONSO LIVE?????? AND omg did you get pics of drivers??? :00

You must must share pleaseeeeee.wax.poet

OH MY GOD ELLE SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!!! IT WAS VERY COOL!!!!! VERY SURREAL!!!!!! I've taken a week to answer this but uhhhh yes I am in fact home now 🥰 I got home at like 1 am which was cool....

First of all I have to mention this! I was fighting for my life walking thru the Austin airport(from sleep deprivation), and I had my Fernando hat on my backpack, right? Some girl comes up to me and asks if I'm going to the GP, I say yes. SHE GAVE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET, I COULD'VE SOBBED 🥹 It says on it "wtf is a km", I'm still so happy

COTA was the first race I ever watched, so to be actually at that track and watch a race live there was extremely surreal! Very hot though my god 😵‍💫 I think last year it was pretty hot, right? And my brother kept sending me the temp and it was pretty okay, and then of fucking course the temp leaps up to 89-97°(31-36° Celsius btw) right in time for the gp....so that was nice(I say as I burn in the sun like a vampire. But don't worry I didn't even really tan at all 😭 I always wore a hat and a lot of sunscreen. And meanwhile my brother was literally a lobster)

(This is a long post):

So unfortunately I missed the drivers parade because my brother and I were dying on Saturday night and his friends wanted to go first thing in the morning, and we're like "we will go later actually 😊" and missed it entirely 😭😭😭 but his friends took pics of Mclaren and Aston for me!!!!! But unfortunately I havent gotten them still, so I'll have to reblog this later with those! I took a lot of pictures of the cars I took from behind the fence, which I think I've posted some of? Lmk if anyone wants those!! They're very random, I just thought it was very surreal to see the cars flying past, so I took a million.

The coolest part was definitely running on track after the race was over!!! Soooooo surreal, and so I'm only gonna post pics rn from Sunday(bcs pic limit on phone) and also I think everything else kinda pales in comparison(but of course lmk if there's anything you're interested in seeing 🤭)

Okay and did I see any drivers...? ONLY ONE BUT AAAAHHHH I DID SEE LANDO!!! Not even one of my favs but it was soooooo surreal to see him, even from afar. As you can see above, everyone standing on the fences was blocking the view 🙄, but during the podium, I was focusing my camera btwn their legs and got literally one second of Lando 😭 I think its a pretty aesthetic clip, so I gifed it!!

It was so funny, I went to the gp with my brother and friends, so all these older guys yeah. And I was showing this off to them on the ride home, and his one friend was praising me so much for it 😭😭 like: "oh my god!!!! You could put this in an edit !!! This is so sick!!!!"

Oh one other thing!!! I think I've mentioned it before but my god, my favorite f1 podiums are always the ones with confetti, right?? AND THERE WAS CONFETTI AT THIS RACE!!!

LOOK AT HOW PRETTYYYYY!!!! And so anyways, I picked up so much confetti off the ground and now it lives forever in my phone case 🥰🥰🥰 I have no other room for pics on this post(for now) but oh my godddddddddd most of the confetti were just rectangles BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONES SHAPED LIKE TEXAS!!! SO COOL!!!!! And I also picked up a bunch of tire marbles off the ground!!! And a piece of plastic that probably came off some car. It was so funny when all of us were just scrounging off the ground. My bro's one friend somehow found a piece of carbon fiber, and we're all like "how can I kill him in his sleep and steal this from him..." But no the highlight actually of that process was watching my brother sprint to the podium, but stopping and grabbing a bunch of gravel first to shove in his pocket 😭😭😭

The other two days were fun as well, but also a lot of just dying in the heat and drinking a fuckton of red bull, so there's not too much specifically to say! I really liked hearing the cars. I think if you wanna know what's actually going on in a race, watching from home is better, but hearing the cars go by and seeing them is just so fucking sick. It was so funny to see grown men be like "I think I'm going to cry hearing these cars." I was really flexing on them with "uhhh yeah I've already been to a gp already 🙄🙄"

Anyways I ended the day by breaking bank by buying my dad and myself Fernando shirts because he is of course Fernando's biggest fan 🥰🥰 and I bought the most delicious overpriced lemonade, which I only drank half of bcs my brother proceeded to accidentally elbow it out of my hand....

OH WAIT ONE MORE DETAIL LOL. On Friday, my brother and his friend were waiting in line for smth and I was talking to them outside of the barrier. I look down, hmm theres a red cap abandoned on the ground, I pick it up, it is in fact a Ferrari hat. And that is how my brother acquired a $40+ dollar hat for free. Lucky bastard....I was the who found it!

#there is my experience kinda summed up???? i #i wanted to wait to answer this until i got all the random misc photos but alas i sitll havent #but its still very sweet to me that theu took pics of the drivers parade for me 🥺🥺 #he was like “here is mclaren!!! and here is aston!!!!” THANK YOU STILL 🥹🥹 #oh fuck wait i forgot to mention a crucial detail #on the wah home from the gp my brother's tire popped 😭😭😭😭 #and im ofc chilling in the car while these three car men(horse girls tbf) change the tire #and theyre all covered in grease and i say “what a great way to end the day!' and his friend turns around anf gives me this face: 😐 #various misfortunes but it was fine!!! it was great!!!!! just tiring #OH YEAH THE KILLERS WAS PRETTY COOL AS WELL!!!!! #basically: everything was sick 😎 #except every time oscar and nando did badly and i would fall dramatically onto the ground bcs that's the type of persom i am #thank you so much for asking elle 🥺🥺🥺 #if you hadnt prompted i prob wouldve never ended up recapping it #all i can say is im incredibly lucky to have all the experiences i did this year #catie.rambling.txt #catie.asks. #*OH MY GOD YEAH ONE THIGN #*i bought a new phone beforew this gp. for this gp tbh. bcs of the camers. i think it paid off pretty well no? 🤭

[supahstarrr]

"whitemisia" are you fucking stupid.

#white people want to be victims so badly #''an example is getting hair touched when your blonde''???? ''people staring at you for ‘looking different'''????? #do you fucking hear yourself. #also let me remind yall. these people whining about ''whitemisia'' are radqueers. #idk whats up with that space but bitches on those communities always turn out to be racist as fuck #oh and i heard that theres ''slavery flag'' where you want to be a slave or want to be a victim of past slavery #so that could also tell you a lot about radqueers (and about how they view generational trauma from slavery ^^) #i feel like out of all of the classic ''community that give a font that they're progressive but actually very fucked up and racist'' #communities that makes me so angered the most... its got to be radqueers #genuinely have no fucking idea whats up with their ideology. and i heard so much from minors escaping that community #ive definitely heard some fucked up stories about constant grooming.. like wtf #this community is SO detached like.. do you hear yourself.. racist mfs. full of nasty and horrid bigots #i wish therapy was free!!!! almost seems like they need it more than i do

[prettyboykatsuki]

i have many many many critiques about wylls story, most of them being about the fact it's just so lackluster in game when compared to other companions which is a shame. because wyll to me is and has the potential to be an even more emotionally compelling companion. and he was early access!! he was so gritty in ea please bring him back larian i beg of thee. the way he was rewritten has stripped him of so much nuance and depth. wyll to me is such a wonderful character to me because of what he represents, which is heroism so down to his core he never gives up on it even when he ought to

his goodwill and nobility are ceaseless. at the center of his story is betrayal trauma, his agency over himself vanished into thin air. mizora turns him into a monster and there is no turning back. he has become the thing he's despised, the things he's hunted for his entire life. and we know so little about that canonically because of the way his story is set up but its hinted time and time again that he struggles with his reality deeply and even that cannot make him turn away from the city he loves so much.

if larian would go back to clean up and fix his story (which im truly praying to god they do) i want them to touch on what wyll must be going through as he continues to try to ground himself and deal with his newfound reality. i want them to touch on the abandonment he experiences because of his father and the inevitable burden his title as blade and hero has on him. because these things obviously compel him, they're hinted at all the time but they were completely stripped of him in final release and its fucking disheartening... larian please im begging you. thats the love of my life. please.

but for now i will do it with fanfiction and gather enough wyll fans to make a fuss about it . peace and love

#aristotle.txt #wyll ravengard #bg3 #i love wyll so desperately. which makes sense as a deku lover certainly. #but i love him even more because his story is narratively interesting #here is a classically heroic noble making a devils pact to save his city #who is only rewarded for doing this by being banished from the city hes sworn to protect. by his father no less. #he spends seven years away from home and makes a name for himself as a fucking folk hero #he never returns. he doesn't explain himself. he decides that the least he can do is give his life to the sword coast #and then wyll meets karlach. a devil hes supposed to kill except shes not #and because wyll is wyll and because what matters to him most are his beliefs he is easily convinced to not kill karlach. he doesnt want to #kill karlach. so he doesn't. and he pays the price for it. his entire existence is uprooted and he is turned permanently into a partial #devil #hes become his own prey. he spends the game clearly sorrowful in the mourning process. and the game just refuses to touch on this set up #as a WRITER it boggles my mind why wyll does not get that attention from larian because the concept of a hero balancing the weight of his #own pain and sorrow against his beliefs is moving. being able to open up that path with tav narratively that allows wyll to be #selfish and heartbroken. to not be blade or sword. just wyll. what a beautifully interesting storyline would that have made #i have delusion in my heart. i hope they fix it. i want them to fix it so badly because i fucking adore wyll in every way. #and i want the game to represent who he is as much as i feel for him. he is an origin companion and deserves it. #bg3 spoilers

[sunflowersorrows]

SANSHEE FUCKED UP MY ORDER AND GAVE ME LTTM INSTEAD OF FP ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME

#sunflower's sorrows #ALL I WANTED WAS PEBBLES I WAS WAITING MONTHS TO GET HIM #AND THEY GAVE ME MOON INSTEAD... HOW DO U FUCK UP THE ORDER THAT BAD #1 item order. only five pebbles #'nuh uh! u get moon instead!' #im legit so upset rn i wanted pebbled so badly he is a f/o of mine #they prolly dont even have any to send when i go to support and will give me a refund or something #man #rain world #rw #sanshee #shout out to the person who prolly got FP instead of LTTM we are starcrossed lovers now

[boxwinebaddie]

NINNAAAA WHATS SPCD STAND FOR??

oh, it's not that exciting, it's actualy awful. i mentioned it towards the tail end of chapter five of rm. it's basically what cartman used to call kyle when they were growing up. a really cruel fucked up nickname.

the s.p.c.d,

or rather,

the south park city dump. :(

the sp boys used to be fucking horrible to kyle because cartman ruled their elementary/middle school. and when cartman and the boys saw kyle in the hallway they were like "what are you doing here, broflovski? trash day's tomorrow" or omg whenever he walked ANYWHERE they made the "Beep! Beep! Beep!" trash truck noises, but worst of all was that they used to dump out...Full Trashcans On Him. like spoiled milk, rotted food stuffs, glass bottles that werent put in recycling, crushed aluminum cans that cut his cheeks, all kinds of awful, foul smelling sludge...sigh. :/ ily so much baby jersey.

also, if you want to cry extra hard, i think that being covered in all that disgusting lunchroom trash, feeling it soak thru his shirt, stink down to the skin, pool around his shoes, get buried in his hair -- just feeling that dirty and disgusting and Unclean was one of the factors that made his ocd so severe and it's a large part as to why he takes scorching showers and rubs his skin raw bc especially if he smells something weird or its trash day, he gets triggered & has to SCRUB.

but anygays! you bet your ass that tiny lil stan was giving them ALL the business rippin around on his bike brandishing his hockey stick like a big sword, running them out of town and back to their mommas crying and screaming bloody murder all in that giant wayne gretsky *ravenstan vc* yersey...they were SCARED, lolllll!!!

which is a very interesting juxtaposition to sweet, gentle stan very lovingly picking all the food debris out of his kyles beautiful curly whirly hair before marching him over to the bathroom where while kyle showers, stan always sits on the toliet bc their running joke is that kyle might drown ( yes yersey also can't swim ) while stan listens to rock n colors his nails in w/ sharpie or stolen nail polish from shell.

and he's just like "dude, Fuck them, kyle! those fkn gilipollas are just mad because theyre all total perros and you're the most handsome guy in school, hands down." wHICH? AAA??? tbf stan does say shit like that all the time & Means It bc ravenstan has loved jers from the moment he Heard him but kyle thinks he's fuckin w/ him

bc haha!

very fun joke, stan! hit on the weird, overweight, clunky, awkward, nerdy loser boy to make him feel better about himself! great joke, bro!

bUT ITS NOT A JOKE, BESTIE!!!!

HE WANTS TO KISS YOU SO BAD!!!!!!!!

not them both bein secretly and painfully in love with each other but convinced that acting on their feelings would ruin their friendship/be unrequited and both of them being like "he is perfect, what would he want with a fuckin Loser like me?" :/ </3 WERE IN HELL!!!

regardless of thinking it was a joke, it totally made kyle blush, my rosecea king and stan was sooo nervous like oh my god, you are SO stupid, stanley marsh!!!!! guapo??? gUAPO BITCH??!!!! ARE U ACTUALLY INSANE!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!!

i love nervous ass tiny stan with his massive universe sized crush on kyle broflovski that he carries around in his black jansport backpack at all times...along with the weight of the world, ofc. we know this.

but anyways..off topic.

closing thoughts?

fuck you fartman.

-uncle nina, tiny but big baby jersey kyle defense club

( don't touch my sweet son!!! MY BABY!!!!! )

p.s. i'm sorry i just started making new sections without warning. i wanted a way to post about what the boys looked or acted like during different periods of their lives -- so like, satana ( which is what stans mom called him ) refers to the period of time before the fire and kyle's 'the s.p.c.d.' section also refers to that period of time.

it's cool you guys are so perceptive tho! i hope you like them <333 you're always welcome to ask me questions about them xx

#the spcd nickname always makes me want to cry #i love you baby jersey kyle he is my angel #the world was so cruel to him #just for being fat too like #everyone who has ever hurt jersey can go hell right after they meet with me and i beat the living shit out of them...til they Die #stan was mad over protective too and stan was weird but he had Clout from being pretty so he was like IF I SEE THAT SHIT AGAIN ITS OVER #and then goes to lovingly tend to kyle like dude im so sorry you dont deserve this shit look im gonna tell their moms #and theyre gonna get so busted and have to pay you back for al your clothes...then we pretend to hit the gap and go to good will instead #and use the rest to buy tokens at the arcade or buy the new mario game and see who can finish a pizza faster its me btw #theyre in love ur honor like why didnt i give them a chance like they were...so married #ALSO AN ANON ASKED ME ABOUT BALLET KY #YES JERSEY TOOK BALLET it wasn't his idea it was an accident bc they were marking electives #and ballet was RIGHT next to basketball and then basketbal got full and sheila was like I ALREADY BOUGHT YOU SHOES UR GOING #and like at first it was really awkward but i think kyle actually really liked the structure of ballet and when u dance beautifully #what he found is that no one had anything to say about his weight just that his pirouette was perfect it was freeing #he dropped it during the kyley b era #but picked it up again in college and its kind of a form of self harm and he fucks up his feet very badly trying to be perfect #also hes like fuck all those people who laughed at me im perfect now im fucking perfect i have to show them i have to be the best #sigh...kyle kyle kyle...ill elaborate on that more in one of the ballet kyle asks but kyle loves ballet and going to preformances #ice skating and dainty refined stuff which is cute bc theyre very nosm like jers on ice skates and stan w the hockey stick during winter

[ceasarslegion]

Actually so fucking sick of conspiracy theorist nutcases who come through the checkpoint when its backed up to the check in desks demanding full pat downs because theyre convinced the equipment is gonna give them brain cancer or whatever fuck else they read on a facebook qanon meme page its taken every ounce of my self control not to slap a bitch today

#'waa waaa i dont want it' #if you dont have alegitimate reason then shut up and get in there #'facebook told me itll give me havana syndrome' is not a legitimate reason #good evening i told a passenger to shut up today #'if there was anything unsafe about it WE wouldnt be working around it ALL DAY now would we???' #was exactly what i snapped at the third fucking guy who demanded a full pat down in a row for NO REASON #while it was backed up so badly people were missing their flights #and so many people called in that we only had one line open #cool opinion bro. shut the fuck up and get in #work tales