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absolutebl · 2 years

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Until We Meet Again

This is going to be a watch along starting in Oct 2022, right before Between Us (the spin off) airs. But since I have never done a proper analysis or review of UWMA, I'll start with that.

Until We Meet Again is a 2019 Thai BL from Studio Wabi Sabi directed by New Siwaj.

It is an adaptation of the y-novel The Red Thread by LazySheep. I watched shortly after it aired in late 2019. You can currently (still) watch it on YouTube. Trigger warning.

Quick Pitch

UWMA is, without question, a work of narrative genius with a powerful and cohesive romantic backbone and stellar performances. It is (to date) the only Thai BL (of c.170 watched) that I’ve rated a 10/10 predominantly on the basis of story structure. That said, it is also very well cast (and it’s a BIG cast), with solid production values, and enduring pair branding as well as being the best Thai BL from a storytelling perspective. It is one of my favorite BLs of all time and I have probably rewatched at least some parts of it over 20x.

Narrative Frameworks

UWMA is long for a Thai BL at 17 ep of c.45 min of fresh content which means it comes in at around 13 hours total. It’s tropes include fated mates (or soulmates), past love/tragedy, sins of the fathers, and family drama. It has a strong seme/uke structure and multiple couples (both hallmarks of Thai BL). Leads are grumpy/sunshine pairings, with a side dish of sunshine/tsundere. It’s medium heat but still rather sweet, because while all couples are followed into the bedroom, there’s a very strong emotional chemistry component that renders the physical chemistry somewhat background to the pure love connection driving the relationships. As a series, it is paced well, but is perhaps not the best one to binge watch. To me it feels like a show that needs room to breathe.

The production values are high but workmanlike. There are some flaws in sound, wardrobe, makeup, and repeated establishing shots. But the crew and cast were clearly bigger and better funded than any Thai BL production since. I would hazard a guess that this was one of Thailands most expensive BLs (with the possible exception of KinnPorsche).

Thai Language Corner

From a Thai linguistics perspective it’s pretty standard for a college set BL. I do use both DeamPharm and WinTeam as examples when talking about basic and more complicated linguistic couple dynamics (more here). OhmFluke, however, are a bit more interesting IRL.

New uses staggered couple framing, central aperture faming, peekaboo framing, and lighting to contrast the secretive and doomed nature of the past relationship against the attempted recovery and reformation of the modern day. He paid very little attention to manga style or BL’s yaoi roots, possibly because his style as a director is evidently not at all influenced by it.

This show stars Fluke Natouch as Pharm [reincarnated In] and Ohm Thitiwat as Dean [reincarnated Korn] AKA OhmFluke. They are a branded pair who since UWMA have done Close Friend 1 & 2, and Oh My Sunshine Night and have more BLs scheduled for 2023.

It also stars Earth Katsamonnat (AKA Smol Earth or CooHeart) as Intouch or In [Pharm’s past self] and Kao Noppakao as Korn [Dean's past self]. Earth has gone on to co-brand as SantaEarth starring in 7 Project and My Only 12%. He had acted in several BL shows prior to UWMA, although Fluke would have been the most experienced lead actor on that set. Kao would go on to star in Lovely Writer. Both Fluke and Earth are openly gay and were out at time of filming and promotion.

The support couple (or side dish) featured Prem Warut as Team [Pharm's best friend] and Boun Noppanut as Win [Dean's best friend]. BounPrem are strongly cobranded and have since co-lead 7 Project, Even Sun, Long Kong, and guest-coupled in Cutie Pie and You Never Eat Alone. They will anchor Between Us the spin off of UWMA (an adaptation of Hemp Rope) reprising their roles of Win and Team. In UWMA their couple has relatively little screen time but they absolutely stole fan attention and adoration.

UWMA also featured Samantha Coates (AKA Sammy) as Manow [Pharm's best friend] and Pineare Pannin as Del [Dean's sister]. Sammy is a staple of many BLs, being an active member of Wabi Sabi’s stable. Del is best known for playing Yuri in 2014′s Love Sick, Thailand’s first big hit BL. These two starred together in Wabi Sabi’s only GL (part of 7 Project.) (Don’t bother, it’s still all about the boy.)

I am telling you all this up front because I will make mistakes and refer to everyone by their character or actor name all the time. Sorry. Also I want you to know how biased I am.

I LOVE this show.

And now....

the watch along.

Episode 1 - Oh, I Forgot...

It has probably been about a year since I did a rewatch of UWMA. And I think I’ve only ever watched the first installment of the first episode one time through. I didn’t forget how dark it was, but I am reminded why I always say ‘original trigger warning” on UWMA.

I can see why I like to the show from the start, because it does open on a crying kiss. I am an absolute sucker for a crying kiss. This time around, I noticed the intrusiveness of the music a lot more, especially in KornIn’s stuff.

Earth turns in a killer opening performance (in the great cry off between him and Fluke that is this show). In that moment before he picks up the gun, Earth almost does look like Fluke will later on. It’s a really interesting bit of facial performance and acting.

I got to say, barring some of the darker Japanese BL, this is probably the most powerful opening sequence we’ve gotten in the genre. Honestly, if this show we’re being released right now I don’t think it would’ve had this opening. They would’ve kept the trigger, but it would’ve appeared more chronologically towards the end.

Is this a pleasant way to start a BL? No.

Is it powerful? Yep.

Manaow and Del are still 2 of my favorites. We were robbed with their GL.

Oh my God Prem looks like such a baby.

I like that there are these extra bits with extra characters in UWMA, like in the cooking club. We don’t get a vast ensemble casts like this anymore. Not even from Thailand, not with this attention to detail. I kind of miss it. The little extra bits set in different parts of the university, they remind me a bit of origin yaoi.

Honestly Fluke is one of the best blushing maidens to ever blush. It’s still not my favorite archetype but he does do it beautifully. The part where Team jokingly says he’ll protect his two friends, is pretty telling actually. Since he’s going to have to step up to the plate later and try against and older boy. I do adore this friendship group. In the end, perhaps Pete & Kao’s friends (Kiss series) beat them out slightly. But not by very much.

And the set up for the whole show:

I will keep searching until I find you.

30 years later...

(You know, when I was first watching this show I always called it Until You Again, in my head.)

I wonder how hard it was for Fluke to cry on command like that, all the time. Here watch this AMAZING FMV of Fluke and Gun (Theory of Love) having a cry off.

WinTeam and the towel in the locker room is still one of the best early couple moments ever.

The end of the first episode and we haven’t even had a proper meet cute. And yet the pacing feels. I think because the show opens so top-heavy with the deadly drama at the beginning of the episode.

Honestly, I forgot how sort elegant and well executed to show was. I’ve grown to no longer expect that from New. It just goes to show that he’s one of those directors that really excels and thrives when he has a very strong script.

Episode 2 - The High Beans!

I love this meet cute. LOVE IT. Can’t wait to watch it again. But first the library (not quite) assignation.

One of the best prevailing themes of UWMA is this idea that making food, and specifically Thai desserts, is meditative and important for the cook. But also that preparing food is about the love and affection that you sprinkle feelings into the dish like seasoning, so that people can taste it when they eat.

Note the only other guy in the cooking club? That’s Best Vittawin from Check Out and a bunch of other higher heat BL. Also some of you who are paying attention to the language might notice that Luk Choup is mentioned quite a bit. Yes that is the same name as the character in La Cuisine. It’s also the desert that In makes with his Maa, and that Pharm makes into special star shapes for Dean in Ep 3.

Honestly KaoEarth never much resonated with me, but on this rewatch I am liking them so much better than I ever have before. It that @heretherebedork ‘ss influence? Possibly. I think it’s also because of both My Only 12% (which is making me like Earth more as an actor) and Lovely Writer (which made me like Kao more).

One of my favorite character development threads in the show is Dean’s relationship with his siblings. I love how austere and cold he is at the beginning of the show. But how, after being with Parm for a while, he mellows around Don & Del. It is Pharm who brings a family to Dean in the end.

The note passing in the secret smiles and the spitting of the orange juice remains very cute.

I am quietly obsessed, well not quietly (because I’ve never quiet), about Dean with his hand in his pocket.

Honestly, the only time Dean takes his hand out of his pocket is to touch Pharm.

And there it is, FINALLY, the mung bean meat cute!

Best ever.

This is such a GREAT romance.

Pharm starts to cry and Dean immediately touches his face. There is a reason I call Dean the most handsy seme in BL. He is pretty much never not touching Pharm from this moment on. It’s glorious (and very unlike KBL and JBL).

And you can see him look at his own hand and surprise, because he is clearly not a touchy-feely person. But being then he just accepts this about himself and will do everything he can to be close to Pharm from here on out.

I love how New does this dirty screen peekaboo shot on DeanPharm right before he cuts back and forth to KornIn, it’s like framing foreshadow since normally this style of short is used with KornIn so highlight the secrecy of their relationship.

Episode 3 - Wabi Sabi Shows Off The Stable

I just realized one of In’s friends (played by Title Tanatorn) is also in Remember Me and My Only 12% airing right now. Boy needs a series. He v cute. Also “HI DR SING!” (Sorry, due to Triage, Tonnam will always be Dr Sing. Although he is also a side character in LITA right now. Honestly my brain is becoming an MDL for Thai actors in BLs. Of course, Perth is great in this role, a foreshadow for all the crying he’ll do in LBC2. I am sorry we never got to meet his character older. It would’ve been nice for him to have gotten closure with the Pharm as reincarnated In. I wonder if his character got to meat Pharm did in the book?

And Win’s Patented move the casual arm throw. Honestly, Win gets all of the best lines in this show. No wonder we all like him so much. I hope he stays a witty and snarky in Between Us.

I have to say, Dean’s soft voice is one of the best in the biz, thank you Ohm. Almost as good as Solo’s (Oxygen).

And so Dean learns about Pharm’s panic attacks and the after effects that his past self’s actions have wrought on the person he loved the most. And he reacts in the most seme way possible. Honestly he is such a poster child seme in this series.

Also he flirts.

In a VERY Dean fashion.

Dean: I’m still single.

Pharm: I am single too.

Dean: Not for long.

This is the show where I first learned that in Thailand do you say “bur” when you want someone’s digits. This makes me unreasonably happy.

Meanwhile back in the past selves, In is so brave. The worst consequence of the tragedy that lead to their reincarnation is that his future self is so timid and afraid because of what was done to In in the past. It’s really the only reason I forgive Pharm’s blushing maiden actions. I think of that fact of his personality as somewhat dictated by the past, much like his panic attacks.

The bit where Pharm is serving Dean breakfast in his condo for the first time and he puts out a carafe of water and there are little flowers floating in it? What are those flowers?

Meanwhile, he way Dean fixes Pharm’s hair and tie and then Phram misspeaks “gin” gets me every time. Although I gotta say if a boy cried like that every time he met me, I’d probably have backed off my now.

Episode 4 - Bisexual Rep & Stereotyping. Are we happy or sad?

Does one get pleased to see bisexual rep or annoyed by the stereotyping? At the time, because it was so rare in BL (still is, actually), I was pleased. But now with Mame busting in on the bi/pan=predatory slut trope regularly I’m just annoyed.

P’Alex (Mean in his best role, fight me Tin stans) as a sleazy bi actor won over by food. Honestly? Been there done that, been that done there, and fucked that. Oo, I’m three for three!

OK so in LITA when Payu says/implies that he wants Rain to talk like a good boy, really he wants him to talk the way Pharm does to Dean (all the time). Pharm is so bloody polite.

So cute that Dean won’t allow Pharm to be jealous for one second. Dean has no interest in playing any of the normal BL games. These two are fated, gay, and into each other and he has no interest in pretending otherwise. Oh he will tease his uke like a proper seme, but only because Pharm lacks faith in Dean’s constancy.

The scene with Pharm and the girls carving the dumplings is one of my favorites. It’s so cute the way Manaow teases Pharm with Del’s sibling connection. Also it’s really sweet the way that Pharm instantly understands the complexities of Dean’s familial relationships, and immediately sets out to heal them.

Win and Dean racing.

Look, competition is how 2 semes show their love for each other.

And then the most famous scene in a BL that’s full of famous scenes.

Does anyone one in BL execute the feeding trope better? I think not. And if you can name one, leave a comment and make a case for it.

In addition to having one of the best soft commanding voices in Thai BL, Ohm has got to have one of the best side eyes as well.

I love that Del is already protective of her brother’s boyfriend.

Happy clap hands we get the first date and the penguin walk next!

Episode 5 - The Ping-guine Walk!

I would like to stress from this moment on that we, the collective BLers, do not talk about Dean’s driving in this show. Or we did at the time, but that time has passed. Just ignore, okay? Cause it cray cray.

Del cooking for her brothers is so cute. Also the way she gently teases Dean about Pharm. Love her!

And now the first date.

The bus trip so Make it Right. Just FYI Thailand and Korea LOVE a bus trip in romance (BL or otherwise). They tend to do it the most. Japan has done it a few times too. But the others not so much.

Also sharing earbuds = MIR again.

I do love P’Sorn.

Yes, that’s Na from Kinnporseche but we knew him when (also forthcoming Wish Me Luck).

I love the aquarium visit.

Pharm doing the penguin walk.

Dean’s expression when Pharm does a penguin walk.

Dean secretly taking photographs of his cutie. It’s just wonderful. Pharm is so bouncy and cute and Dean is so soft and indulgent. And it’s one of the few times where we get to see Pharm be a little bit more like In. Dean spends the whole time looking at Pharm rather than the fish. He’s so doting.

It’s so good.

The story about the sea ogress and what to do with a traitorous lover. Pharm’s response is actually typical uke, as possessive as seme are, it is usually the uke in yaoi & BL who ends up being the most fierce about ownership in a relationship. Because the uke has, in many ways, sacrificed part of their identity to the seme (in In’s case, all of it), their’s is the more powerful claim by right of sacrifice. It’s very old gods, ancient instincts.

Meanwhile there’s Dean always making his intentions crystal clear.

That hand hold.

But also...

No Dean, he doesn’t trust you, and for a very good reason.

And finally we have everybody’s least favorite character in UWMA: Ja’s wig.

There’s a wild speculation around this wig.

Perhaps he had just finished Ror Dor and had no hair? Or had just come back from serving in the military? No matter wha,t it’s totally unacceptable.

Thailand is never allowed to use wigs. It’s one of the sacred rules of BL. It’s a bummer because Sorn & Sin are fab minor characters. (They will rep for the “elder gay advice giver” archetype. One of my favorites.)

Episode 6 - The Read Thread Kiss

This rewatch I really feel a lot more for Korn than I ever did before. He really did try to warn In that it wasn’t a good idea for them to date, like he knew he wasn’t gonna be brave enough, even for love. But In is so relentless and so cute, who could resist?

Everyone eating lunch together and teasing each other and Del finally relaxing around Dean is one of my favorite little vignettes. Also, everybody laughing at Dean rgr “forgetting to swallow.” And my boys holding hands under the table. It’s glorious.

I also like how we get to see Dean reacting to the past negatively too, finally. And his siblings are so worried about him. This crack in his stoic armor.

I do love Pharm standing up to Alex before the play. And the fact that Del records it and sends it to Dean is just so good. Especially knowing what happens next.

The fated mates of the red thread.

Dean’s faculty cohorts are all such frat boy type dicks. I kinda love their sleazy mame-ish little ways.

Honestly there’s nothing carnal when these two kiss but it’s so beautifully romantic and soft.

I love love love the way Dean checks in on Pharm and tidies him up, afterwards. It’s so sweetly caring and careful.

And then the big realization about reincarnation over shabu shabu.

I gotta say, as a chronic rewatcher, this show stands up to a rewatch better than pretty much any other Thai BL I could name. Probably because it has so many character vignettes, and little moments of side affection between friends as well as lovers. There’s a lot of meat and sweetness to revisit.

Episode 7 - Possibly my Favorite Episode

The tiny snippet where Dean sees Pharm as In is actually one of the saddest bits of this whole show. It’s rough watching DeanPram figure everything out.

I do love the scene where Pharm meets Dean’s younger brother. Don tricks Dean into coming over, and everybody teases them.

I feel like every episode I say “this is one of my favorite scenes.” Which just goes to show why this is my favorite Thai BL ever.

Meanwhile, sitting on the couch crying, DeanPharm finally figure out that they promised to find each other and that they are both experiencing the same feelings of reincarnation. This particular exchange of gifts is so significant actually talk about it as an example in my blog post on the trope. Gift exchange is not a trope I love but it has a lot of meaning in this particular instance.

Public claiming of a relationship is one of my more favorite tropes on the other hand, which means the next scene where Dean has to run Alex off is just too good. When I talk about Thailand in the context of age dynamics as part of culture, I use the example of how hard it is for Team to protect Pharm under these circumstances - where he is fighting against Alex who is not only older but from a different department. It’s such an important insight into Team’s character, that he’s willing to stand against Alex even though the whole social structure is against him. Dean sweeping in and running Alex off is just so powerful as a result. Also I really love the way Dean is always touching Pharm and tidying/playing with his hair and clothes - it’s so proprietary and boyfriend. It also shows that Dean is never not thinking about him, his eyes are always on Pharm whenever they are together.

And this ep ends with WinTeam and the forehead kiss in the convenience store. Finally there’s some movement on their romance. This really is one of my favorite episodes.

Other Stuff Related to this Show

Why Until We Meet Again is special among Thai BLs

Thai Desserts in Until We Meet Again

BL With the Highest Chance of Breaking Into The West - Until We Meet Again (I wrote this before KinnPorsche)

Sex negativity as part of the seme/uke dynamic

Thai Food You Should Eat Because of BL

(source)

So I will try to updated this original doc as much as possible, but sometimes Tumblr just stops me from editing, in which case I have to repost and add. So I’ll be putting a rough date here, please don’t get mad if something is out of date and I can no longer fix it. October 2022.

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letstalkwhump · 1 year

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Let's Talk Whump

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host today.

Here today to talk all things whumpy is the fabulous @flowersarefreetherapy!

It’s an honor to have you here! Do you want to start us off with a fact or two about yourself?

Hi! I’m Marz, I’m a baby adult, and newer here to the whump scene! My favorite color is blue and I enjoy a huge variety of music. I have a Golden Retriever named Guinevere who is five years old and loves swimming, chasing tennis balls, and running through corn fields. Yeah, that’s about it!

Let’s get straight to the point. What does whump mean to you?

As much as I love the hurt part of it, whump to me is about healing. It’s about picking yourself up even after life has beaten you into the ground. It’s finding your people who will help you and stand by your side on good and bad days. It’s taking those little steps towards healing, then looking back one day and realizing just how far you’ve come and how much you’ve accomplished. The pain and whumping of characters is horribly fun, but it’s the recovery and knowledge that there is something to lose that makes whump for me.

How did you find the whump community and what made you want to join?

So, I found the whump community purely by accident by jumping through writing blogs on Tumblr about three years ago, I think?? It was around 2019-2020 and I was looking for writing prompts when I stumbled onto @ashintheairlikesnow’s blog and learned there was a whole community dedicated to the hurt/comfort plotlines I had been reading all my life. Really what made me want to join was seeing there was an audience for the whump I was writing and the acceptance of OCs I was struggling to find in other writing circles. So I lurked for a while and then made the decision to join!

Do you think that your view of whump has shifted since you discovered it?

My view on whump has stayed the same, but what I write about has expanded. I’ve been exploring the BBU sandbox with different characters and different perspectives. It’s been a good challenge and one I look forward to continuing!

Everyone’s favourite question: what are your favourite whump tropes?

Dehumanization and noncon are two of my favorites. What makes them so appealing to me is the loss of autonomy and the way it can fully break a character. Not only that, but it allows for some very fun power dynamics that I really enjoy in whump. Alongside that, those two tropes lead to the characters learning how to rebuild their world, their trust of other people, and what kind of life they want to make as part of their future. The healing that’s involved in both these tropes is messy and hard and something that is fought for, always with the support of those around them.

Would you mind sharing a favourite piece you've written? Hype yourself up, we want to hear it!

This is one of my favorite pieces! I love Thad’s breakdown here and while writing it, having that insight into how his past training impacts how he sees himself and sees the kids they’ve taken in. Another really fun piece I love is this one, mainly for the emotion and heartbreak of it all.

Aww Thad! So much emotion in “You Are My Sunshine” ! Do you have a standard writing routine?

Chaos!! *evil laughter here* Just kidding (mostly). I tend to write when the inspiration strikes and knock out large chunks of writing at a time. Sometimes I’ll write bit by bit, especially when life is crazy, but I prefer to have the uninterrupted chunks of time. Usually I have caffeine with me as well to help the writing process speed along, in which my poison of choice there is Dr. Pepper!

And do you find some things are easier to write than others?

Dialogue! I love writing every bit of it! Using the words to both reveal and hide characters’ motives, changing what they want to say into what they can’t, playing around with hidden meaning in the phrases chosen: all of it is so good and makes it so fun to write! If I could write scenes that are all dialogue I would

Is there anything you're working on at the moment?

Something I’ve been working on for a while is the next part of my Hold On series. It’s about to get sticky and complicated, so I'm working on how to get all the characters going the way I want them to. Of course, that’s not going to happen, but I’m trying to at least plot a path for the characters to run down.

Do you have a joke or pun you would like to share to spread some smiles today?

. . . . . . . wish I could be hilarious on command, but sadly I am cursed to not be.

That’s fine! Do you have any writing advice you’d like to share?

Love your writing, even the bits that seem weird or you think no one will like them. There are people who will love it and read it and scream about parts you didn’t even think were that good. You will find your writing groove and you’ll find your audience. Also, don’t delete anything! That is really important! You can always go back and edit a choppy scene or reuse a bit of dialogue, but deleting something means starting from a blank slate. Scenes can always be reworked, so keep them!

Shout out your favourite writing/whump blogs, bffs or people who've inspired you!

Oh man, oh man, there are so many people I could highlight! Seriously, this community is fantastic and wonderful and so welcoming! I had heard that about the whump community, but experiencing it for myself has been an honor. Okay, so people to shout out:

@for-the-love-of-angst (you know why. For everything, thank you <3) @eatyourdamnpears (chaos friend!) @whumpcereal (your writing! ah!), @winedark-whump (your responses to every one of my ramblings on discord always make my day), @ashintheairlikesnow (still in awe of your writing/characters) @pigeonwhumps (*waves*) @quietly-by-myself (your characters!!) @soheavyaburden (characters! Writing! plotline!), @blood-is-compulsory (screaming in the tags is always welcome!) and so many more I have probably forgotten (in which case you can yell at me in the comments)

Seriously, go check out each and every one of these people! They are amazing and so so so cool and you won’t regret it at all!

Finally, is there anything you'd like to add?

Thank you for this opportunity and to everyone for making this community so welcoming!

Thank you for joining us today, @flowersarefreetherapy !

And to all you lovely folk at home, have a whump-derful day!

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killing-myself-slowly · 6 months

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Hey everyone, I’m remi

I was active a lot in 2020-2022. Not sure if you’ll remember me, but I’ve always been a form of “killing myself slowly” finally got the username without any numbers so rip to whoever had it before me lol

I’m 18, turning 19 in March. I have a lot of mental illnesses: CPTSD, some sort of dissociative disorder, bpd, delusional parasitosis, schizoaffective, and a fuck ton of phobias lmao

I was diagnosed with an0rexia in 2019-2021, now I’m diagnosed with ednos or osfed or whatever it’s called now. I’ve been in “recovery” since 2022 so I was forced to leave this side of tumblr. But I don’t give a fuck anymore abt anything. So I’m backkkkk

I’m fat af now, birth control really fucked me up, but I’m off it now so this bitch is gonna be ✨skinni✨again.

I recently r*lasped in sh after being clean for 7 months. Idrc anymore I’m gonna do it and I don’t care what my therapist says

I’m a huge nic fiend haha

I hope to get down to 125 lbs by the end of the year but idk if that’s doable. Im definitely more than 140 lbs rn but idk how much exactly

I hope this blog doesn’t get snapped like my old ones did 😭 I had a pretty large th*nspo blog in 2021 but it got termed. This is prob my 8th or 9th blog since 2020

Anyways I’m just rambling at this point. If you come across my blog just be warned that I talk abt dr*gs, heartbreak and obsession, dysphoria, and Ed topics a lot. If you don’t like it then block me, I don’t want to lose my safe space so please please don’t report me

Stay safe everyone! <3

Also sorry for the censorship, I don’t wanna get snapped

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sitp-recs · 1 year

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hello, im new to drarry fanfics and i’ve found myself to love the ones where they’re in their 8th year or the ones where one of them loses their memory! i wanted to ask you if you have anything to rec with these ‘tropes’ ? or if you have a tag i can search for! thank you for your work!

Hello anon, welcome to the Drarry side of the force! I definitely have some recs to share, hope you enjoy :)

Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 combines both tropes and is an incredible ride, I’d definitely start with it if you haven’t read it yet. I have a few reclists for the 8th year trope:

8th year: 1 | 2 | 3

As for amnesia, I could swear I had a reclist but unfortunately couldn’t find it. I don’t read it much but am linking some titles below:

the shape of memory by hogwartsfirebolt (2022, T, 3k)

Harry's brush with death has left consequences. Thankfully, Draco is there to help him navigate the uncertain waters of his mind.

fermata by onewhodiedyoung (2019, M, 6.5k)

Or, Draco, after and before he forgot Harry, after and after he lost his mother.

It'll Come Back by vukovich (2021, E, 16k)

Draco Malfoy wakes up in the Thickey ward not remembering anything except that the Auror in front of him is his husband. But he's not.

Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia (2020, T, 18k)

This fic was taken down but you can access it on the archive made by @geesenoises

When Harry gets amnesia and forgets he and Draco were ever married, he refuses treatment to remember.

Sleeping Dragon by Omi_Ohmy (2012, E, 20k)

When Draco loses his memory, Harry struggles to recognise the man he loves. As they get to know each other again, can Harry overcome his sense of loss? And will Draco ever remember that he loves Harry?

In Pursuit of Lost Marbles by Theartfulldodger (2021, T, 22k)

Every night after work, Healer Malfoy follows the same routine, beginning with a familiar flight of stairs that leads to the Janus Thickey Ward at St. Mungo's. With an air of professionalism, he introduces himself to Harry, his husband of seven years, when a memory curse makes Harry look at him like a stranger.

The Four Doors by fluxweed (2020, E, 50k)

It’s been four months since Harry lost his memory. Four months of dead ends and no answers. With time running out until his memories are gone for good, Harry agrees to a course of Legilimency therapy with a renowned specialist: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy.

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by November Snowflake (2012, M, 57k)

When the long-missing Draco Malfoy turns up at a Ministry field hospital with amnesia, bitter Auror Harry Potter must confront the shadows of their shared past to shed light on a potentially deadly mystery.

Nor All That Glisters by sweet_s0rr0w (2021, E, 110k)

Lonely and frustrated on house arrest, with no prospects for the future, Draco begins brewing Felix Felicis in an attempt to improve his lot. Just in the short term, of course. He isn’t a total idiot.

Kiss Me (Under the Light of a Thousand Stars) by Iwao, Sophie_French (2015, E, 114k)

Harry rescues Draco Malfoy from Azkaban, where he has been imprisoned for three years after the war. Draco is not as Harry remembers, as Azkaban leaves its mark on even the strongest of wizards. With no memory of who he was or how he came to be in Harry's care, Draco needs Harry's help if he is to have any hope of making a full recovery.

There Is Always the Moon by firethesound (2016, T, 159k)

Draco's life after the war is everything he wanted it to be: it's simple, and quiet, and predictable, and safe. But when a mysterious curse shatters the peace he'd worked so hard to build, there's only one person he can trust to help him. After all, Harry Potter has saved his life before. Now Draco has to believe that Potter will be able to do it one more time.

#asks #anon #drarry reclist #8th year trope #memory loss

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lilflowerpot · 1 year

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hello flower! i’ve never submitted an ask to tumblr before, but i just wanted to say this.

(btw, everything in this post is true. it’s kinda an unbelievable story)

i’ve been a fan of LB since it’s publish! i’m pretty sure i discovered it in mid 2018, so i’ve been here for a long time!

i’ve been following ur writing for years and watched you improve annually. i fell in love with your story and writing extremely quickly, and i always looked forward to your new chapters. i distinctly remember feeling ecstatic when keith finally revealed his face !!

however, in 2019, i suffered a catastrophic head injury whilst skiing, which caused me to lose most - if not all - my memories. in truth, i should of died or been in a coma, but i escaped with some critical injuries instead. a broken neck, fractured skull, broken eye socket, the whole shebang lol.

luckily, i was not paralyzed, and i can say now that my recovery has been well! i’m back to being fully functional (sometimes) except for a couple motor control issues.

but the real problem was my memory, i could remember my family and relationships, but i forgot practically every fundamental fact about myself, including my middle name. additionally, i suffered a lot from aphasia and neuro problems which made me struggle to understand sounds coming from people if that makes sense. to cure this, my mom and dad introduced me to (guess what!) voltron. they knew it was my fav show before the crash, so in a sense, they tried to reignite my memories and help work on my sensory processing ability.

i fell in love with the show - again- and watched it during my recovery. probably the only reason i can talk today is because of vld! i find it a little ironic that despite losing myself in the crash, i came full circle. and u can probably guess what happens next!

in 2021, i rediscovered ur fic whilst in the voltron tab. it kinda shocked me to see “Visited: 309” under the fic because i had no recollection of ever reading it. the person i was before must’ve loved it, so i gave it a shot! (btw, me before crash and me now i consider different ppl)

so, i began to read, every word from start to finish. and, as cheesy as it sounds, i think i fell in love again. my recovery has been endlessly difficult and was particularly rough 2020-2021, so this kinda supported me in a way. seeing the growing number of how many times i visited LB reminded me that i had existed the day before.

to give context, every morning i woke up, i would forget almost everything abt myself. eventually that got resolved, but it was jarring. so, seeing that number rise, and reliving the joy of reading LB for the first time gave me hope.

LB means so much to me for this reason. sometimes when it felt like i was losing my humanity to depression and pain, it reminded me that, out there, the previous versions of me were hoping to read LB again. in a sense, i was motivated to read the new chapters as an ode to my previous-day self if that makes sense.

now, 7 months after successfully waking up and remembering the previous day, i am writing this with tears in my eyes. i am writing this with a smile, and i’m writing this with the hope that it reminds you that your literature has saved me, and i’m sure countless other people.

in a way, i view LB as the sunrise. even though there’s the chance that tomorrow never comes, the sunrise serves as a reminder that the previous day existed, and that there are more sunrises to look forward to.

and, to be honest, i think that if i woke up forgetting everything everyday, id be okay with it because i get to read your fic for the first time - again. also, the humor in it is 10/10 haha!!

(also, if u were wondering or worried, i’m also okay with waking up with no memories do to other things and not just LB. incase u were worried that i’m strictly dependent on LB, which i’m not LMAO)

i would’ve submitted this a couple months ago, but i couldn’t put it into words. i don’t think i can possibly explain what you and your fic means to me, so the sun over the horizon will have to do.

even if you think that it’s cheesy that a goofy voltron fic means so much to someone, i hope you find it in yourself to treasure your talent and skill in writing.

i’m so excited for the next chapter, and the next sunrise i get to see <3

here is a pic of the sun i took this morning. thank you for writing, and reading this really long ask. there’s no pressure to respond, although it would be cool to see, but i hope you read this nonetheless. btw u can publish the response if u were wondering.

sincerely,

D <3

I have been trying quite desperately to compose an answer to this one since it first appeared in my inbox, and at this point I don't know that I'll ever be able to do you justice, but two months is far too long for you to have waited for something of this magnitude, so please bear with me while I endeavour to do my absolute best.

First and foremost, I am so sorry for everything you've been through (though I can only assume you've heard that sentiment ad nauseam, so do forgive me if you're sick of it), but more than that I am distinctly and unbelievably proud of the grace with which you seem to have taken such catastrophe in stride. I couldn't possibly claim comprehend the true scope of all that you've endured, but I hope in some small way it might give you,,, comfort? a sense of camaraderie maybe? to know that aphasia is something I'm intimately familiar with as a recurrent symptom of my migraines, due to them being hemiplegic in nature, so I know the frustration of being unable to comprehend sounds you know you should recognise- being unable to articulate your own thoughts- feeling half trapped inside your own damn skull- all too well, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of so sweet a soul as yourself.

My darling, I'll say again: I am //fiercely fucking proud// of you, for not only enduring but in truth overcoming all that you have. Though we do not know one another, this message alone bleeds with such admirable strength of character that I cannot think you anything less than a remarkable and resilient individual, and to know that my writing could in any capacity support you through such an ordeal is both an honour and a privilege.

All my love,

lilflowerpot ♡

#sincerely I am in tears #sa screams back #the author speaks

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trigun-manga-overhaul · 1 year

Text

Trigun Ultimate Overhaul Update - Unreleased Promotional Material and Origin Story.

OVERHAUL FRIDAY 12/23/22 - PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL AND ORIGIN STORY.

It's been four years since the project started and the goal has never changed. The only thing that really changed was the scope of it and how much material was needed to keep people interested and all the edits made in connection with that. It started as a single man undertaking but eventually grew to have a consistent team of three, along with a few guest helpers here and there.

In this post we'll share the story of how the project came to be and then a few iterations of these edits we've made.

(Above: Early Overhaul promotional edit.)

THE STORY

To briefly tell the story of how we got here, we've got to go back to 2018.

It started with me, the project leader, D, getting into Trigun in November of 2018. Being a relatively new fan, I have learned a lot in the brief time I've been in this fandom and community, actually, it was pretty dead when I came around. I had no intention of being alone in my newfound interest, so I wanted to start get things going and wrote up a plan for how I wanted to revive the fandom as a whole.

At the same time, I started checking up on the history of the fandom in every corner it existed, learning more and more about what has happened in the past and where everyone went. During that dive I learned about people's displeasure over the manga and how there were two translations. I realized quickly afterwards that I had seen both in my desire to read the manga back at the start, and that I had found the Scanlation first but immediately dropped it due to the horrible quality and went on to find the Dark Horse Comics translation.

But what I few from fans of the past, a repeated notion between more dedicated fans, was that the Dark Horse Comics translation was also subpar and that the writing was off, something I agreed with.

I've always been a very determined person and a perfectionist, so it was just a matter of time before I decided to be the one to make that new translation. I got all the files I needed and started working on a method for preparing them, planning out everything I needed done before I really could get to work. I was doing all of this in the background while I made daily content for the subreddit in early 2019, back when there were only about 2000 people. I also started a Trigun Discord server, TriCord, at the time, wanting to connect with as many people as possible.

(Above: The thumbnail for the Spotify playlist "Dancing Revolver.")

I spent the next months cleaning pages. I was removing text and redrawing bubbles and backgrounds as needed, as well as removing compression from the downloaded pages to make them clear and crisp. Some would see it as tedious work but I personally quite enjoyed it. It was pretty therapeutic and a nice way to unwind after coming home from work.

On a more personal note, it was also really nice to have this project on the side when things went a little sideways. Within the span of a single week both my parents were suddenly hospitalized and I had to temporarily move into a room at their house, so that I could look after them when they came back from hospital, as they required care. My mom was wheelchair bound for a month and then used crutches for a while afterwards, and my dad was very ill. With all that worry, it was vital to be able to clear my mind with a bit of creative work. My dad was diagnosed with cancer then, but through a successful operation, he made a full recovery and has been cancer free since.

A month or so later, I finished the entire cleaning process, allowing me to tackle the translation finally.

(Above: A black background variation of the 10/29/21 release.)

In retrospective, there's a ton about the earliest translations that I want to change in the new version, as my skill have vastly improved since. I have more experience and the tools I have have grown, so I would be able to do a better job today than back then, another reason why 2.0 is needed before I'm satisfied with the work done.

In late 2019 I had some help looking over pages I've already translated and typeset, just to get a better sense for what I need to look out for. This is the first time I'm actually working with anyone on the project, having been handling the planning and work alone before this. However, those who were kind to help me out didn't have all the time in the world to help out whenever it was needed, and they weren't as deeply into the process I was, so it was difficult for a few people to get a feel for what I wanted exactly.

I had a stable work partner from November 2019 and to July 2020 but then that partnership went silent. It wasn't before the summer of 2020 that I ended up with one of my current stable partners for the project, someone who really brought the quality of the writing to a whole new level. That partner being Vulpana. With our combined set of skills, I personally feel like the final results of our writing that improved greatly.

Later the second work partner, Arth, would join. With a sharp eye for all the technicalities of writing, as well as a much less constantly tired eye on all the work, we have reached as good as the text can get. I am very happy with the work we're doing together, the feel of it and the coherency. We work really well together and our communication is professional and fantastic.

(Above: The first version of the credit page for Trigul Vol 2.)

It was also through encouragement from various parties that I decided to list the Overhaul project on my CV while looking for another job. As I personally didn't see the point in listing a nerdy project, others insisted it couldn't hurt and that the project in of itself is impressive.

I had to eat my own words in late 2021 though, as I ended up getting offered a job as a professional translator for a respected international theater anthropology organization. They expressed their interest in my project, noting that they were impressed by the personal dedication to translate and formulate for fun. I gladly accepted the position, of course, and it became my dream job. Been working that position since and it has both helped my project and my project has helped it.

As there's not much else to say, I'll share a few more images as promised! Enjoy!

(Above: Early idea for the credit page for Trigun Vol 2.)

(Above: Spotify thumbnail for the upcoming Overhaul work theme playlist.)

MORE INFO NEXT WEEK!

#trigun #trigun maximum #trimax #fan project #manga #trigun overhaul #trigun ultimate #trigun ultimate overhaul #infodump

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lifblogs · 9 months

Text

This is totally random, but since almost no one knew I was suffering so much my senior year of high school, I feel like part of my recovery should be celebrating that I graduated! I was malnourished and sleep-deprived my entire senior year, and somehow I survived, and managed to graduate, and get accepted to a prestigious science college. I didn’t go to that college, and I haven’t been able to complete college, but who cares? Damn, this all just hit me. I should really celebrate legitimately surviving senior year.

I was at a time in my life where I felt so empty and numb, and I focused on not eating, and not sleeping to fix it. I think only one person knew I was endangering myself like that and that’s my brother. My graduation felt as empty and numb as everything else did. Any positive emotion shown by me about any of that was fake enough that I should’ve decided to pursue acting instead. Almost everyone believed it.

I’ve been in recovery since 2019 now and even though I graduated in 2016 I think I can finally recognize my pain and should celebrate that I survived. I’m serious. I want to have a mini celebration now because I was too sick to celebrate then.

#personal #eating disorder #insomnia

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a-mag-a-day · 1 year

Note

MAG 42 - apple cutting

old timers… meaning boomers?

"middle-aged white men" - Yes, boomers… xD I mean, this was written in 2016. The big "ok boomer" thing came up in 2019 so it wasn't really in everyday use back then (I mean, the earliest uses can be traced back to 2015, but that was 4chan so yeah xD).

"one of the old timers, usually Mike Baker, would shout over, “I see you got the new Grifter’s Bone album!” or “I didn’t know Grifter’s Bone reformed!” or something like that. It was annoying as hell," - … God I hate it when people are like this… thinking they are so funny and original, but everyone annoys me with the exact same joke and most of the time I'm asking myself why is that person even talking to me, do I know you apart from being forced by certain circumstances to be in each other's periphery (co-workers, neighbors…)

"He was tall, black and careworn, deep lines of worry etched into an otherwise handsome face." - I wonder if Martin would have been even more jealous, if he knew that Oliver was hot XD

"then asked me what I was listening to." - Did he actually mistake the death tendrils for earphone cables?

"He shook his head again, and mumbled something about protecting my hearing." - It's so sad, he knows it won't help anything…

"Supplemental. I’ve been watching Martin. He’s been very attentive to my needs and recovery since I returned to work, almost to the exclusion of his own tasks." - Ok, I laughed so much at this when listening for the first time. This is where I was absolutely sure, that at least Martin officially has a crush on Jon.

"I glanced moments of competence, or even cunning, that are beyond what his previous work would indicate." - Maybe you're an asshole and getting paperwork right isn't everything?

"Is he playing the fool? Purposefully failing in his tasks to delay or hinder my investigations? It’s possible." - You're such an idiot!

"He has also shown remarkable interest in my own theories as to who killed Gertrude." - He's really that dense, is he?

Oh yeah, totally forgot that last episode, but that entry was already too long anyway, maybe it's better to include it here now: Alex now reading the outro. I was sooooo thrown off by this! Like, properly, I didn't even recognize him as Martin! I also didn't connect for a long time that Alexander J Newall = Alex/Martin lol… like, properly long time. I listened on Youtube, so just the story, no Q&As, trailers and I stayed off everything Magnus on the internet to avoid spoilers. It was… actually I think end S4/start of S5 when I finally made the connection. Yep. Not my proudest moment XD

I only noticed this time around but yeah, Oliver is mistaking the death vines coming out of her ears for earphones!

#a mag a day #tma #the magnus archives #episode asks #mod ashes #tma spoilers #mag 42 #lycanlovingvampyre

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akindplace · 2 years

Note

i really hope this doesn’t come off as offensive in any way, but just. how? how on earth do people deal with chronic pain? i’ve had pelvic pain intermittently since 2019 and no doctor can figure out a reason why, it got worse after i stopped taking my psych meds and even worse after the onset of my eating disorder. today has been especially bad now that i’m hospitalized for my ED. i think it’s stress related because it gets worse when i’m anxious but doesn’t everything? i’m just so lost. how are people with chronic pain not terrified 24/7 of the state of their bodies? how can they trust doctors who just look at them and shrug? how do they live? how do they find joy in life, especially after knowing what it’s like to not live with pain? i’m asking because i’m genuinely so lost and thought you might know. i’m not looking for a diagnosis or anything i’m just looking for the “how.”

I am responding in regards to the pain, since I don't have experience with eating disorders.

To be perfectly honest: I went through the same desperation, the same fear, the same grief, and I still do at times when the pain is most intense. I started recovery out of spite, to not let all the bad things "win". But it became later on more about me than proving anything to anyone. I am really hopeful and this blog helps me be positive. There are days the pain is so bad I just want to quit, because I desperately want it to stop, but I know that taking it out on myself is not going to help me. Taking it out on your body is not going to help it. You need to take your medication and you need to keep focusing on your treatment, but do it for yourself, do it for your own relief because you desperately want it and you deserve it. You are worthy of relief, simplesmente, give it to yourself if you can, listen to what your body needs.

I think what saved was hope. And human connections. Reaching out to people is hard. Walking away from the ones who are harmful is hard too. But it is worth it.

I'm not talking about self-love because it's not that easy, right? I'm talking about not taking it out on your body. I'm talking about being neutral. What works for me is thinking that I'm at just another human with very human needs, that I am not exception to other humans when it comes to meeting my needs, like resting, or self-care.

Please, take your medication, it will help you at least figure out what works for you and what doesn't. Remember that diagnosis are important, but they are guidelines. At the end of the day, you are in pain, and that is what you need to care for, and working on allowing yourself to do so is important. You need to figure out what works for the pain, what your needs are, and that is the most basic thing to focus on. Helping yourself, accommodating your needs, not depriving yourself of medication, taking care of your body. It is not easy, it is slow, it is annoying sometimes, it takes time, it takes learning how to allow yourself to have what you deserve and what you need, but you can do it because I believe that reaching out to anyone is already trying. You are trying so hard, please don't forget that. You are trying and that matters. At the end of the day, you want relief. And that's what matters most for you to get, so keep reaching out to people, to doctors, to therapists, to those who listen without being ableist. Keep trying, it is worth it. You are worth it.

Just please remember that you need to focus on other things as well as the disease. Find things that bring you joy, those little things heal you a little every day, and it builds up. It makes you hopeful( it makes you positive, it gives you reasons to keep going. Sometimes when we are sick, the pain is all we have, and that is not fair to us. We deserve relief from the pain, but some of that relief comes from distracting ourselves from it by remembering it's not all there is in life.

Again, I am referring to chronic pain, because I don't have much experience with eating disorders.

#eating disorder tw #tw chronic pain #on hope #on recovery #on joy #on neutrality

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strideofpride · 1 year

Note

ooooh I'd love to hear anything you got on your modern LW fic(s)!

safe travels <333

Thank you, love! 💕

Okay yesssss!! There’s so Much Detail I put into that fic that I don’t know if people didn’t catch or just didn’t comment on but I’d love to talk about lololol!!! And basically just be like “look what I did” hahahaha

-for starters, I did put quite a bit of myself into it, such as: Jo hating AirPods (I think they’re so dumb) and Jo & Amy being really really into Duolingo and often doing friend quests together (literally me and my friend lololol we’re obsessed). A Cinderella Story and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants were big movies for me growing up (I added Bend it Like Beckham for Jo cause duh). I even had John’s sinus surgery Meg references lol and Amy’s prized stuffed frog named Froggy is a reference to my prized stuffed bunny my mom named…Bunny. Like Jo, I think it’s horribly uncreative.

-I also used this fic as an excuse to dump my headcanons of who the March sisters would be as present day late 20-somethings (well Meg is 30 - Jo is 29, Beth is 27, and Amy is 26 (I think this matches their age gaps in the books) - I tried to subtly acknowledge all of their ages in the fic. Meg & John have been together half their lives since they were 15 - that’s also a little reference to George & Lemon from Hart of Dixie albeit more positive lol. Multiple references are made of Jo being almost 30. Jo makes reference to Beth not joining the 27 Club just yet. And Amy’s “revenge” of erasing all of Jo’s stories occurred when she was 13 & now she’s “twice that age”)

-Also getting to figure out who they would be in girlhood in the late 90s/2000s was a lot of fun as well! Like of course Amy had a Justin Bieber phase and Meg was a swiftie

-the March sisters group chat: I was very cognizant of how each sister would type. Meg types with perfect capitalization, grammar, and punctuation. Beth is looser but still has auto caps on. Meanwhile, Jo & Amy both have auto caps off (another shared similarity of course) (and Meg’s comment about Amy loading the car is a reference to Beth being sick)

-Meg buying her coffee from Blue Bottle (“basic and overpriced” to quote Jo) is my little reference to that scene where Meg buys the fabric she can’t afford in the 2019 movie. (Believe it or not, my only familiarity with the story is the 2019 movie which I’ve seen twice and read the script once) Basically, there’s still that girl who craves luxury deep inside her somewhere

-cancer obviously seemed like the natural modern equivalent to scarlet fever but a big part of why I’m reluctant to go deeper into this universe is that it bums me out to think of Beth dying but also…Beth is dying in this universe in the next few months or so. That is very very much a key element of Little Women I think, that Beth dies and the family has to find a way to go on living even in their grief, so no, Beth is not going to make some miracle recovery. She will die and that’s sad but it’s supposed to be. It wouldn’t be Little Women without grief.

-the headphones! When Jo makes her comment about not having headphones, she’s talking about herself, but Amy thinks she’s talking about Laurie! Which is why she reacts the way she does because she thinks Jo knows for a half second there

-Laurie grabbing an earlier flight was sooo cause of Amy. Also just want to point out that the third person narration only refers to him as Teddy cause it’s Jo’s POV and that’s what she calls him :)

-Amy of course refuses to meet Jo’s eye or hug Laurie for long because she’s trying to hide their relationship (as mentioned in the Laurie POV)

-the Bear article in Vulture about the one take episode is a real article published on July 29, 2022

-I decided halfway through writing it that the Marches would have a shit ton of cats they had taken in over the years but there was no natural way to fit a scene in about it so I just went back and started making a bunch of random small references to the cats whenever I could lol

-the avant garde letters bit is just a Julio Torres joke I stole lol

-this is very specifically set in August 2022 and as someone who still wears a face mask today, it was very important to me that I specify that they’re wearing face masks anytime they’re indoors in a public space (except only Beth is wearing one when they’re out at the strip club, because she’s immuno-comprised and can’t take a night off as Jo points out) also the rehearsal dinner takes place on the restaurants outdoor patio for that reason as well

-there wasn’t a lot of Marmee in this fic but anytime someone does a service for the family (tailors Meg’s dress, hosts the rehearsal dinner) you see her compliment them profusely which felt very in line with her character to me

-Beth is wearing a baseball cap at the Apple store…both to cover her bald head but also because as she mentioned earlier she burns easily

-of course, Laurie does not love the dig Jo makes at Amy because he’s in love with Amy!

-also, as discussed later on and in the Laurie POV, Laurie wants to talk to Jo to tell her about Amy

-also as mentioned in the Laurie POV, Jo is so surprised by the ooc bachelorette party Amy plans because it wasn’t her idea! It was Laurie’s!

-during their little fight at the rehearsal dinner, Jo thinks Laurie is noticing her sisters watching them fight, but really he was specifically seeking out Amy (and as you see in the Laurie POV, Amy did not walk home, she went out with Laurie)

-that part about Jo’s art consuming her in the big scene with Jo & Meg is very much inspired by Judd Hirsch’s scene in The Fabelmans

-heading over to the Laurie POV for a sec, the “very long intense conversation” they had about Amy having had a crush on Laurie growing up is of course a reference to the “I’ve been second to Jo my whole life” scene!

-the Marches having a backyard treehouse is a reference to my favorite Bones fanfic series Roots & Wings (specifically this scene)

-and finally, the ending: it’s of course a reference to the scene in the 2019 movie where Amy tells Jo to write something domestic. But it was also my attempt to be as meta as the end of the film was. “Who would want to read about that?” Well, millions and millions of girls over the past 150+ years have 🥹 And more personally, the reader of this fanfic just did as well ;)

fanfic director’s cut

#little women #laurie x amy #jo march #laurie laurence #meg march #beth march #amy march #modern little women #little women 2019 #my fics #terrainofheartfelt #strideofprideanswers

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smol-lydia · 10 months

Text

Personal post//cw for mention for ed no explicit details because we don’t do that here

So I finally got an admit date for residential: July 18th. Because I’m getting authorized through Medicaid/my county, I already know how many days they’ve approved which is an odd reassurance because in the past when I’ve had private insurance they only approve 4-5 days at a time so your head was constantly on the chopping block and it made it hard to focus on getting better

This time, I know I’ll be getting 50 days, no more, no less. I haven’t needed a HLOC since my last relapse in 2019 when my step dad passed and I’ve been working on my recovery since my admission to Renfrew in 2017 so…it’s weird to be back in the place once again.

I’ve learned that if you’ve had your Ed for more than a decade it’s considered SEED (severe and enduring) and I’ve had mine since I was 7 years old so….23 years. And yet I’m so harsh on myself for not being 1000% better blah blah

I’ve stopped using eat and yeet behaviors since 2019 but I still struggle with anorexic behaviors obviously and just….I really want to get back on track with things because I had a solid recovery for a while and I miss it. I miss food freedom and feeling ok in my skin. And secure in myself.

I’m not the toxic asshole I was before renfrew who burned bridges in my friendships and slept with men for validation despite being a lesbian or started fist fights in Denny’s or did drugs etc etc I never want to go “out” from AA or NA and I want better for myself….and for my loved ones….

I may not be in a relationship anymore, may not be getting married any more…..

But I don’t want to die from this disease. It’s not what I want to be known for.

#personal #chronic health tag #lyds talks

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lucysweatslove · 6 months

Text

10.28.2023 // I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this journal, but it’s a weird mood re: body connectivity.

Maybe I’ve been having fever dreams lately, but honestly, this is the best I’ve felt physically in a while, so I don’t think it’s quite that. Emotionally though, I’m feeling… weird?

I took two naps today (is it technically Sunday? Yes. But it’s Saturday still in terms of my days). I think the sleeping all week has helped a ton. I don’t feel 100%, but I don’t remember the last time I felt 100%.

During the last nap, the one in which my entire dream was me blogging on Tumblr specifically, I was trying to think of a title for a journal post that I dated November 2019. I don’t remember the day of the month, just 11/__/2019. I want to say it was 13, 18 or 23. Not 28 though because the cream didn’t feel like a 28th.

I bring this up not because the exact date matters, but because November 2019 was the last time I felt decently well. Not perfect, mind you, but this was before I got that upper respiratory infection that kicked off the years of illnesses.

Friday night, I had a mini-meltdown or shutdown or something… I can’t think of the words right now. I had multiple hours of extreme body dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria- it’s not about gender or secondary sex characteristics and more about… just not wanting a body or feeling like I belong or am connected to this specific body. I joke about wishing I could just be a purple sentient mist, but it’s not entirely a joke. I still want to be. I want to be alive and sentient and learning and doing and experiencing. I’m not unhappy with life in general. I love spending time with my husband and my pug and all that. But every time I look at myself, it feels wrong somehow.

Initially last night I was thinking about how much I miss my “old” body. I don’t miss the eating disorder, not really. But I miss how I looked. I never got the chance to delve deep into the pathogenesis of my ED, and I don’t really remember much at all. I think, though, that I may never have felt super connected to my body except when I was making it smaller. There were only a few times in my life where I felt like my body matched me, and they were during that pseudo-recovery period. Where my body was at it’s smallest, or nearly at its smallest, but I wasn’t actively restricting. A “best of both worlds” moment that never could’ve lasted.

I’ve realized since actually starting recovery, with every small change, I’ve become more and more distant with my body. Even though I’ve reconnected with a lot of physical cues, my body doesn’t feel like ME. It feels like a physical meat sack I’m forced to occupy so I can do things that matter to me. Like if you were from the tropics but you are venturing to Antarctica because you were really excited to do some science down there. You are only excited and fulfilled by this topic and can only do the science and gather the data down there. But, because of the cold snow, you have to wear ridiculously restricting and hideous puffy snow clothes. You know there’s no other option- you can only tolerate the Antarctic cold in clothes that feel like “you” for so long before you risk severe damage, and if you left to go back to the tropics, you would be leaving your dream or giving up on your life’s work.

I think I’ve managed the body I’m in right now by this disconnect. I’m really not sure if I CAN safely reconnect as it is- like when I imagine what it looks like, I can see it, but it still doesn’t feel like ME. I can only reconcile my sense of self and my body when I look back in time. At least pre-Covid, but honestly even earlier than that is better. Aside from that, I can’t even connect with an idea of looking like anybody else or any way else- I just want to be a purple must.

So yeah, idk where I’m going with this because it’s impossible to go back in time or become a sentient mist and none of this makes sense anyway.

#personal

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yaminerua · 10 months

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Was in town today for my usual laser treatment appointment and for the first time since before the plague I decided not to immediately head home. I went to the Japanese place I used to go to all the time and saw that one of the ladies who I used to see working there all the time was still there, as was the guy from the Japanese night classes I took in like 2019. it was so weird being back there bc the last time I’d been was 2019. I didn’t eat in bc that felt like too much of a jump considering I’ve basically been living an extended lockdown existence but it was good to see some familiar faces again and find that they remembered and recognised me even with my shorter hair and mask on.

I wandered around some shops which had some pride stuff on display since the pride march is tomorrow. I’d love to go but again far too many people to be around for me just yet;;; but I did buy a little asexual wristband;;;

Also I saw a recovery vehicle with a bunch of shrek images on it???

overall pretty ok day out considering how overwhelming it feels just leaving the house atm but I think I’m super out of the loop with a lot of things still bc when I was heading back I got very confused;;;

what I used to do was I’d get a ticket into town to the station nearest my appointment then I’d walk to the city centre for lunch and then I’d catch a train home from one of the nearer stations that happen to be on the same route back. I thought normally you could get a ticket from A to D and be able to hop on at C just fine to go home bc it’s on the route bc I definitely used to do that no problem.

but the guy at the ticket machines was like no. And it threw me off bc I wasn’t sure if I’d just forgotten some key thing about trains in the years since the plague or something;;;; I felt very very embarrassed and stupid;;; He did let me go through but the whole confusion of it all had me trying not to burst into tears on the platform and idek why I got so overwhelmed by it lmfao rip

Anyway I’m glad to be home;;

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chained-to-the-mirror · 2 years

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Some introspective rambling about eating and weight under the cut!

I’m going to go ahead and ramble publicly about some personal things. Maybe it will help someone - maybe me, I don’t know.

If you have followed my blog for a long while, you may have come across my post with a self portrait (not the recent one, the one longer ago) that also had a ramble about my history with eating disorders. I think it was in 2019, and I was genuinely in recovery back then. Food was not really an issue for me, though I still was binging sometimes. It just didn’t come with guilt.

If you haven’t seen that post, to recap: I have a history of various eating disorders, and a few hospitalizations, all in some part related to those eating disorders. That history begins arguably when I was about 7-8 years old, and has continued for most of my life. In 2019 it had been quite a few years of relatively smooth sailing when it came to food - it had been about 6 years since I was last inpatient, and I was feeling confident that I was moving away from those things with every passing day. There was a short relapse in 2020 (I think) but it passed rather quickly.

Recently, about two months ago, I started intermittent fasting. It has been a great decision for me in general - the 15:9 rhythm suits me perfectly, and I have only had one minor binge since I started. For the longest time I was high on routine and balance and feeling good and light.

Then I had some blood tests done, and my usually super high HB was down by a lot. It’s still in the normal range, but I can definitely feel the difference. I’m having a follow up doctor’s appointment next week, having taken an iron supplement for a bit first. This was just inconvenient, but not really that big a deal. But anyway, I had the bright idea to track my eating for a week - to see if I really am not getting enough iron. So, I used a calorie tracking site.

A bit of history about me and calorie counting. At my very worst (2005-2007) I was literally weighing the spices I used in my food. I tracked EVERY calorie, meticulously. It was like a religion for me. I also tracked the carbs/protein/fat in everything I ate - even while in the end I was taking in 500 or less calories per day. It was a full on obsession that came with a bunch of other obsessions, and for years and years after I stopped tracking them I had the automatic calorie counter in my head. I thought I would never get rid of it, but somewhere around 2020-2021 I finally did.

But now? I tracked my eating for a week, as planned. Turned out I was not getting nearly enough iron - or protein. Or vitamin B12. No wonder I have been sort of tired all the time. So, in that sense it was good that I did the tracking. It was useful information. I have started taking a B12 supplement since then.

The bad news is that the calories were tracked too. That’s what the site is really for, let’s be honest. And I noticed I was not eating as much as I had thought. The first day of my tracking, I had 1600 calories. The next day, 1400. Then it was around 1500 on all other days of that week. I was surprised, genuinely. I was not hungry, I was not suffering from cravings. I thought all was fine. But apparently I am eating about 500-1000 cals less than I need every day. And I guess I had been eating that way since the fasting began.

Now, it must be pointed out that I am quite overweight, so it’s a good thing that I’m eating less than I burn. All this would be great, if it didn’t come with the baggage of my brain and the thoughts that spring up. Like: I must continue tracking the calories, to make sure I stay below 1500 calories per day. But not too MUCH below that. I managed to resist for like three days, and then I was back on that site. It’s a reputable site, and for a regular person it would be fine. I should not have gone there. I have managed to not weigh my foods to get the exact calories, but I’ve estimated with a LOT more thought than is necessary. I can admit that now, because I feel like I have to step in for myself.

Today I have not counted a single calorie. I had a home cooked meal, no idea about the calories. I have had chocolate. I didn’t hold myself back from eating. I think I ate about the same as the other days, but it’s been different. More like when I started the fasting and everything just fell into place. I hope I can continue to just be intuitive with all this.

The real reason I was supposed to write this was the issue of weight. I have not stepped on a scale since 2012 I think, and even then my back was turned because I didn’t want to be told the number. I was lighter then, in my estimation, but I was very much troubled with all things eating. And I have not owned a scale in years and years, because that was another of my obsessions when I was worse. I weighed myself multiple times each day, and my mood was completely tied to the number. (Except at my rock bottom when it just didn’t matter anymore - I just had to continue my routines no matter what.) I don’t ever want to go back to that. But recently I’ve become curious. At the calorie counting site I had to enter my current weight, and goal weight. I have no frame of reference for what my current weight is, so I estimated. But what is the truth? I’ve been thinking about it for about two weeks now, and last time I saw my nurse, I brought it up. I told her that I had no idea what I would do if I actually got the real number. It could go any which way. It could be way higher than my estimate - in which case I would have a panic/self loathing attack of epic proportions. It could be right, which would make me disappointed. Or it could be lower, which would… and that’s what I don’t know. It might trigger me to cutting the calories further. This is the reason I have not attempted to diet, despite being hugely overweight for years now. Because what if.

The nurse told me that I have to make my own decision, of course - but there is always an option of getting weighed when I go to see her. And this has kept my mind running in circles since my last visit. I have been going from ”yes” to ”no” on a loop. I have asked for advice from friends. And they have all been wise and told me that I have to really consider WHY I need to know the weight now, and what are the pros and cons of knowing. Well, friends, if you are reading… I have not been able to come up with a single reason why I need to know my weight. There just isn’t one. The only reasons I can think of are unhealthy, and lead to worse outcomes and quite possibly a lot of unnecessary suffering. So, I guess I have decided that I don’t want to OR need to know. I will try to go on as I have before, because for a good while it was working for me. Why try to fix something that already works?

The conclusion of this ramble? I have been humbled to admit that I may not be as recovered as I previously thought. I’m not in any acute danger of a bad relapse, but I do feel like I just closed a door to a dark downward staircase, at the last moment. I can lean on the door, but I won’t enter. It’s not worth it, it never is.

Thank you to anyone who read this. I feel calmer after writing it. I will tag this with some basic tags, if there is another tag you want me to add, let me know. I hope this only brings light and not darkness.

#eating disorders tw #eating disorder tw #eating issues tw #food issues tw #weight tw #calories tw #what else? let me know #personal

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