#idk i feel like breaking my own heart

[sensazioneultra]

i love my mum and i love my cat but he's clearly not gonna get better which we knew would be the case it was only a matter of (very little) time but my mum keeps trying to buy him new different food to get him to eat and again i love them but this is breaking my heart

#he looks so so sick.. #i don't know if there's any point in trying to get him to feel better #when we know it's terminal and they gave him 35 days over 35 days ago #obviously the number is not exact i know that but it is a fact that he's so so sick #and it breaks my heart to see him like this bc if he's pain i really don't think it's good to #keep him around for our own selfish reasons #i wish so badly we could enjoy his presence for longer #but... it's. idk. it might be cruel. if he's in pain it's cruel to not end his suffering #i understand my mum i really do i was the same with our previous cat when she got old and was clearly not gonna last #and in the end i regretted waiting til it happened naturally bc i know i just prolonged her suffering #which was entirely for selfish reasons bc there was no way she'd get better #and it's the same for ripy now. it hurts so so bad i'm crying my eyes out rn #but i can only imagine how much HE is hurting. and what is the point when we know there's no chance #for him to get better #he might die later but having been in more pain for longer. why should we do that to him when he could die as peacefully as #possible with us by his side and so he can rest wherever good sweet cats go after death #idk. i feel so sad. and im here alone crying while church bells ring. and while everything feels meaningless

[lorephobic]

idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?

#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive. #like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love #and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me #she is. the most important person in my life #and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her #like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this #if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh #what more could i ever ask for #but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right #even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be #in just over a year #when she's making enough money for it #she plans on moving into a place of her own #which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point. #but i just. don't know what i'm going to do. #and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing #i thought we were going to move into a house together #i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke #but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year. #i would still want to be here. with her. #or somewhere else. with her. #like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me. #and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t #give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted. #and she's leaving. #she doesn't want to be with me. #sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do. #for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs #its what sufjan would have wanted #fucked up terrible no good week

[pollen]

hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own) #experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself. #it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

[camellcat]

tententententententententen nya

#despite my rose and amy designs this is... not my favorite #I just really don't know how to turn any of the doctors into cats #but ESPECIALLY ten despite how badly I want to #I am like disgustingly bad at character design and it always rears it's ugly head when I'd like it least to LOL #this probably won't be the final design but it's good enough for now that I wanna share it #also obsessed with my own idea that ten loses the sparkle all the cats have in their eyes when he loses rose. crazy for that. ohh xD #I'm half tempted to “break” his heart markings but I feel that might be overkill idk #tenth doctor #doctor who #doctor mew #doctor who fanart #my art: oil paint pawsteps 🐾

[isa-ah]

the dichotomy of how my mom treated me vs how much los mom loves me is always so stark.

#my mom wouldn't come to my wedding bc im trans and we no longer speak #los mom is so scared of the trans genocide she #'feels like shes being traumatized by her maternal fear for our wellbeing' #and has talked about selling her car to put hs on a plane bc shes so afraid something will happen to us #id rather we buy our own tickets so she can come with us though. she said herself it would break her heart for us to go alone #'to not have anyone in the whole country to check up on you' like 💔 #bro idk. i havent felt parental love in almost 10 years im just laying here turning it over and over in my head #that shes been going down the rabbitholes and keeping her finger on the pulse if anti lgbtq laws #and shes making contingency plans to keep us safe and having meltdowns over how bad it is #its like. idk #feeling so so seen after my family being so useless and shitty about me being trans

[rattusn0rvegicus]

do you ever cry a little bit about your own writing 💀

#I just #Gale starts this fic out extremely depressed and isolated and about to kill himself and he will die for nothing. He's never had real friend #And then he meets the bg3 crew and they make him feel at home and he takes Wyll to space and he feels like a kid again #a HAPPY kid. #he experiences so much and sees so much - and he finds he has purpose and meaning #and then he DOES fucking kill himself at the end and it breaks Wyll's fucking heart but here's the thing okay #he still experienced a lot of growth and good things and community and love. he got to have that. even though his life was cut short #he saved the world - but it's a tragedy all things considered. a preventable tragedy #it's really fucking bittersweet bc he gains so much before he loses everything #but that doesn't make it less meaningful. he died but he died knowing he was loved 😭 #idk that's the shit i want to evoke with this fic 😭 #suicide cw #SORRY FOR TOOTING MY OWN HORN I JUST. ASKJFHSKJHGHGHG GALE OF WATERDEEP #screaming crying throwing up etc and etc

[shrekisshrimpthesimp]

Liebestraum and Erwin Smith brainrot incoming

Ok but like imagine a modern AU with Erwin Smith where he is let's say a teacher/professor, living simply with his S/O and he loves to play the piano.

Every morning you are greeted with the same tune, the sound of heavenly melodies, one that sounds like love, one that sounds like a dream. 'Liebestraum' he told you was the title of the piece or 'dreams of love' in English.

'Dreams of love, huh', you thought. It truly lives up to its name. Because everytime Erwin plays it you feel like you are floating in a dream, inside a reverie with all the enchantments of love. And when you look at Erwin playing the piece, he touches the keys ever so gently and his expressions, even with eyes closed, were full of passion. Everytime Erwin plays it, you can feel his love.

And it touched you. It made your heart flutter. 'What a very sweet and grand gesture', you thought. Waking up every morning to this melody, it may be Erwin's way of saying 'I love you' first thing in the morning but in a way that is more beautiful, more heart-warming. He indeed is a very sweet man and you are so, so lucky to have him in your life.

'Dreams of love, huh' , it truly is some sort of a dream to be loved by someone like Erwin. The most gentle, passionate and ever so romantic. Living this life here with him is truly like a dream, living a life loved by Erwin Smith is a beautiful dream, one that makes you never want to wake up again.

But you never knew that you misunderstood it.

One day, while grabbing something from the storage room, a box suddenly fell. And there you saw it, a young Erwin smiling ever so gently, looking at her ever ardently. A woman you've never seen before. Erwin dated quite a number of women before but this one is someone you've never heard of Erwin speak about. And so you pick up the picture, it looked like when Erwin was a young freshman back in college. For some reason the photo exudes the kind of romance, the kind of love that happens once in a lifetime. And you turned it around. A small note and you immediately recognized Erwin's elegant handwriting.

'To my greatest love. You will always be in my heart. Life may have taken you away from me but know that my love for you will endure. And I will show it to you, I hope the heavens will allow you to hear it, when I play Liebestraum for you.

I will always love you.'

There was an aching in your heart that you could hardly bear. You knew that Erwin is a great lover, one that is capable of so much love, too bad it wasn't for you.

And you heard it once again, the what used to be a soothing sound of Liebestraum is now a haunting melody for you.

It used to be the sound of a beautiful dream, the sound of love, but now it has become the sound of a heart shattering nightmare.

'Liebestraum, huh' it truly lives up to its name. A 'dream of love'. A dream of being reunited with someone again. A dream of holding someone again. A dream of caressing someone again. A dream of kissing someone again. A dream of loving someone again. But that someone is someone else. Too bad it isn't you.

#hi im shrek and i like breaking my own heart #idk man i just want to feel some pain today #suffer suffer scream in pain how am i still sane #erwin #erwin smith #erwin x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin x y/n #erwin smith x y/n #erwin smut #erwin smith smut #just kidding #erwin angst #aot #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #aot angst #snk angst #attack on depression #tee hee

[gregmarriage]

god, i love tom wambsgans and his disaster of a love life.

first, he married shiv, knowing she’d cheated on him. she asks him for a open marriage on their wedding night. she can’t love him the way he wants her to. she’s so traumatised by her childhood and the roy life that she treats him like shit (i personally don’t think this is intentional. i think shiv hates herself for hurting tom, but she can’t stop. she just keeps doing it. she has a really warped view of love. she is NOT as evil as some people make her out to be) and he gets used as a doormat by her and her entire family.

then, there’s greg. who gives him attention where shiv doesn’t. who is tom’s emotional, and occasionally literal, punching bag. he’s to tom what tom is to shiv. at first. because you can see tom actually begin to care about greg pretty fast. but to his own detriment. he protects greg, even though, he doesn’t have to. even though, he should just treat him as expendable as he once said he was. but greg manages to lodge himself in tom’s heart and tom hates him for it. he’s married. greg is shiv’s cousin. they work together. it’s gonna ruin everything tom has worked to build. but the lines are way passed blurred by now. tom has fallen out of love with shiv, and into it with greg. but he doesn’t know if greg even loves him back. if he’s not just using him. will he stay? they’re supposed to be nero and sporus. the waystar two. greg made a deal with the devil, and sold his soul to tom. but is all that real? or has tom fallen for someone else who’s just gonna break his heart?

#howdy partners we’re getting depressing in this chilli’s tonight #s4 tom definitely has those thoughts of losing greg and being scared and hating himself for it #i just know he’s gonna be terrified of what’s gonna happen next #he pushed shiv down the stairs and brought greg with him but what if greg doesn’t want him after that? what if tom loses him for good? #idk just things that have been on my mind for months #no but for real i love tom and his love life #because he just had to go fall in love with two different roys imao #and he’s just constantly breaking his own heart #like obviously i believe tomgreg is requited but i like to hurt myself by thinking about it like tom and him believing it isn’t #like i said before i’m still unsure if tom even realises his feelings for greg but let’s just pretend for this post he does #just using tom as my own personal voodoo doll and sticking pins in his heart for fun x

[dylanconrique]

i need lucy to be taken care of. she always goes so far out of her way to help others in need and i love that about her, but i don't think she's had a real break since her recovery from being kidnapped and so much has happened to her since then that i just need her to be hugged and taken care of. not only by tim, but by everyone else too. 🥺💗

#*and this is icarly! #the rookie #tim bradford #lucy chen #otp: you know me so well #she's always been my fave and has had my whole heart from the very beginning that's why i need her to be taken care of 🥺💗 #idc in what context whether she's physically mentally or emotionally hurt i just need someone to wrap this girl up in a big bear hug #tim needs to quote to her 'you take care of everyone but who takes care of you?' can you IMANGINE?!!! #like 'let me do it. let me take care of you.' #breaking my own heart over here 😭😭😭😭😭 #ngl i love angela and nyla as a due but it would be nice to see lucy included with them on occasion 🥺 #watching tonight's episode made me fully realize just how not easy my baby girl has had it :( #sure she's officially dating the man of her dreams but eho does she really have to fall back onto when things aren't working out with them? #ik that's a big question to ask considering their relationship rn is secret and apparently no one has caught on to their little charade #but.... #idk i'm just over analyzing her plotline this episode outside of her relationship with tim and it got me spiraling in my lucy chen feels

[chiimeraangel]

it's coming up on that time of year where I rewatch Samurai Jack in its entirety...

#I'm excited but also... #idk I feel like when I get to s5 it's gonna break me #Jack has been my guide my comfort my muse for YEARS #plus the art is just so. fucking. good. #but mannnn when he's down bad it makes my brain so sad 😭 #and I know when I see him feelin defeated I'm gonna draw parallels to my own life #and I...whewwww am I ready for that??? idk #I usually start watching in October and finish around December #I am a slow tv watcher and I find it actually v difficult to marathon shows 😭 #my brain needs breaks and my heart needs breaks and it's like #??? ok all movies are like 4 hours long now but they used to be 1.5 and that was perfect! #but my cousin will marathon a show that's 12 episodes each 25 minutes or even shows that have HOUR LONG EPS #and idk how she does it #but um yeah #another chii fun fact I guess #samurai jack is one of my favorite pieces of media of all time it's nostalgic and inspiring and so very beautiful #chii talks atchu •.• #samurai jack #for a while I even contemplated getting a tattoo based on the show like oooooo I'm glad I didn't but I was CLOSE #I know a girl who got one of Aku and it looks fuckn SICK #ok bye I have to work now :-((

[bewilderedbuck]

Hey fuck that anon “is this real” please mind your business and dont feel so entitled to the details of the personal lives of people you follow on this website???????

thank you nonnie <3 like fr i really don't mind sharing things if we are close friends and there have been other things i've been open about on here (like my mom's death for one) but this is something i've literally been ashamed of for the past 2 years so i don't think it's crazy for me to have kept it a secret yk

#and even then it wasn't a secret to the mutuals i'm close with. like kay & grace have known for 2 years. sara & rae have known for months. #my friends from home have known since like. two days after i figured it all out lol #yk why? bc we are friends! and i am comfortable w them! #and like there are still things i haven't talked abt on here even regarding the divorce and idk if i ever will! and that's ok!!! #bc i am just Some Person on here i'm not ur friend (for most of u) and i have my own life and my own boundaries #i am going thru a very emotionally intense thing in my life rn and i am breaking the heart of someone i really truly care about #so like. idk. if u have questions n i feel like answering them i will answer them but in the otherwise please let me go at my own pace. #asks #anonymous

[dontmeanyoudontmissit]

The real reason you should never date anyone from your hometown is because when you date someone from your hometown and are awkward af you still desperately want to avoid them a decade later so then you have to consider not going to things they might be at

#my high school ex might go to a thing that I want to go to #which there would be enough people there to avoid him like crazy but that's rude and unnecessary #but also avoiding him is the key to my own personal survival #he would be polite and lovely and introduce me to his wife (who like idk is probably pregnant. I could be wrong on that.) #and it would be FINE #but I still feel so bad about breaking up with him and then basically hiding in a hole after and avoiding him #and then I fucking emailed him 2 years after we broke up to apologize #ANYWAYS SOMEONE DELETE THIS EXPERIENCE FROM MY BRAIN PLEASE #I want to go to my event in peace but I can only do that if I know he won't be there #I'm down to say hello to the rest of his family but I don't want to do the whole #'hi high school bf meet my current bf. Oh this is your wife? yes your sister and my mom told me all about her!' #that is not the christmas spirit I seek #some of my EEK about this is also just like. Every since I had MY heart broken for the first time like 5 years ago or whenever #I really realized what kind of crazy emotions our break up spawned for him #and like honestly good for him that he went and saw me two days later because if I had had to see my ex two days after he broke my heart I #would have quite literally thrown up in the street and gone home

[airenyah]

so i just set bad buddy on mydramalist from 9.5 to 10 stars and with that bad buddy is now above theory of love

this is relevant because up until now theory of love was the only drama with a 10/10 rating on my completed-list. and i couldn't get myself to put bad buddy at 10/10 since due to the alphabetical order theory of love would have gotten pushed down to no. 2

but now i finally could

i think it's safe to say that i'm finally. truly. well over my very own personal irl-khai

#it took me 2.5 years but here i am!!!! #during christmas break i saw my irl-khai at youth group for a bit #(he was about to leave just as i arrived) #there was a girl with him #i think it was his girlfriend (at least that's what i assumed idk i didn't talk to them) #anyway it didn't hurt!!!! it didn't make me feel like shit!!!! i was okay!!!! #so far i never wanted to see (or even hear about) his girlfriend and then i ran into them completely unprepared for this situation. and i #i was. completely fine???????? #and look at me now. putting bbs above tol #growth indeed. growth indeed. #i don't wanna brag but. i'm fucking proud of myself #airenyah plappert #bbs #tol #no but tol will forever have a very special place in my heart as THE most cathartic things i've ever watched (up until now) #it was like looking into a mirror and it played a big part in how i reflected on my situation and how i dealt with it #i would watch tol over and over again whenever i needed a reminder not to get close to my irl-khai again after i took a step back #as a reminder to myself how unlike superior (fictional) khai my very own irl-khai did NOT go through character development #and i don't mean i ever needed him to realize any hidden romantic feelings for me #i'd be happy enough if he at least realized how he hurt me back then. how his behaviour caused me a lot of pain #i've tried to explain it to him on multiple occasions but he just. doesn't get it. and he's surely never reflected on anything i've said #anyway he's mostly out of my life now and it's better that way #we're back to where we were almost a decade ago: talking only when we happen to be at youth group on the same day #i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine and i am sooo so happy about this and now bbs is above tol on my watch list even can you believe

[waitinginthecorner]

#dj ron #it feels so good to listen to this and feel kinda good #it took soooo long but im finally starting to forgive myself and take myself seriously and treat myself better again #im so excited for this year #ive never been a new year type but like. ive been building up to this change for so long and idk #it feels like im shedding a skin of sorts #im still me but in a different way. ive been worming out of my chrysalis the past few years and thats okay #im glad ive gotten so many big emotional milestones out of the way relatively young #ik im gonna face soooooo many more hardships and heart breaks and difficulties but im so much more prepared than i ever couldve hoped to me #to be lol #im far from perfect but i really do think im well of emotionally all things considered #im proud of myself :^] #and to anyone still nosey enough to read this far im so proud of you too xoxo #im sure youre doing plenty of your own hard work and i wish you the best. im rooting for you always :^] #i hope you feel it in the subtle twinges of your heart and lungs and veins bc thats where my love and hope lives #theyre like white blood cells #rambling #Spotify

[artemisiatridentata]

having the annual "my mom asked me to send her my christmas wishlist but i can't think of anything" crisis despair spiral, so in lieu of gifts, here's what I truly want:

my inspiration and insatiable spark to create art. I want it back. I don't know what i've been battling against these past several years - art block? severe depression? crippling fear and hatred of the way social media algorithms grind artists into dust? whatever it is, I hate this feeling. my hands feel lost. I want my pens to bleed again.

an end to the killing. all of it. take the bigots' power away. I just want them to stop killing trans people and queer people and I want cops to not exist so they can't kill anyone else and I want Israel to stop killing Palestinians and I want the US government to stop killing my disabled brothers and sisters and I want the Russian-Ukrainian war to end without anyone else dying and

the rainwater to be drinkable again

to not have to scrabble for survival in a world that is trying its damndest to be too expensive and dangerous to survive in, let alone thrive

i want to thrive. i want to live. And I want that for everyone else. I want to have my basic needs met for the rest of my life so I can focus on what matters to me - tending my garden, cooking food for my friends from the harvest, learning new skills like throwing better pottery and rowing bigger rapids and how to suture a wound and how to point a telescope at the crab nebula, hugging my friends and family more, teaching children about how wonderful this world is and how to get to know it better, talking to people about the rare books I work with, volunteering at the multicultural center, squandering an entire day wandering in and out of towering canyons, etc.

a few new tattoos

to not be allergic to cats

to be able to hug my grandma again

a radically different world in which we will successfully halt and even reverse the worst effects of climate change; a world in which historically marginalized voices are heard and heeded; a world where we never drove the lord god bird and the bramble cay melomys and the dutch alcon blue butterfly and so many more of our precious relatives to extinction; where no one has the power to take more than they need from others, so that every single person receives the care and the resources they need to live their best possible life.

to re-experience the feeling of drifting off to sleep in the back of my parents' car on the way home from a family dinner and to dimly feel myself being lifted out into a light rain and my dad's arms, and carried inside and carefully lain down on my bed, and to awaken the next morning feeling safe beyond measure

to pet my little childhood goat again and tell him that I love him and I'm sorry I couldn't save him

to forget and read Rebecca Elson's and Mary Oliver's and Joy Harjo's poetry for the first time

covid to have never happened, and for the 6.6 million people it's killed so far to still be alive and laughing with the people who love them

etc.

#i need to stop before i break my own heart #writing #words #christmas #you feel me though? like it's literally so overwhelming and my heart cracks open on the sidewalk every morning at dawn #can't ask for all this though obviously so maybe i'll just ask for a book and a stuffed animal #wish i could ask for art supplies but alas i don't even know what i want bc its been so long since i was able to consistently make art #and i don't want my family to spend money on art supplies that idk if i'll use.... #[hiccuping sobs ensue] #personal #ok to reblog