#idk what this is im just. i feel gross and i have to figure myself out so i can do this lol

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[arthur-r]

im super proud of myself for fixing my brown leather jacket though like i didn’t do a very good job but i literally have a hundred year old leather jacket that isn’t falling apart anymore. or i mean. it’s falling apart slightly. but i sewed seams into LEATHER and i survived and didn’t destroy everything badly and forever. and that’s pretty friggin cool.

#like. idk if you guys remember my hundred year old leather jacket #that i was still wearing even though the seams of the sleeves were literally gaping open #i took around a year and a half break from wearing it after deciding that actually no it is very noticeable and not in a good way #anyway for the last week of school all my fashion ii class was doing was working on mending and diy #and basically my teacher lent me a leather needle and a good thimble and i did everything else myself #and there’s parts of it that i can’t quite fix but the big super noticeable parts are good now #and im pretty friggin proud of that #anyway i have to get dressed and i feel gross so i want to shower #but i showered last night so that would be pretty dumb and stupid #so idk what im gonna do exactly. cause my sanctity/degradation foundation doesn’t like me right now #i’ve gotten so insufferable since i read that book shdhdfdf it’s just. cool knowing a couple of theoretical psychological roots of stuff #like from an evolutionary standpoint. it’s good to remember that i only feel like a disgusting person because of a warped moral filter that #was only supposed to exist to keep me from literally getting sick and dying by the omnivores dilemma. and like. im fine #not that i shouldn’t be keeping myself clean and such. but the compulsion about it feels like. it’s just so stupid because it’s like im #compelled to do bad behaviors. in response to my feeling of disgust at having done bad behaviors #and it just cycles and cycles and cycles. just because i did bad stuff yesterday doesn’t mean i should hurt myself about it. basically #and if freaking evolutionary psychology is going to be the thing that keeps me safe then so be it #im gonna stay out of the shower im gonna wash my hands a couple more times than necessary and im going to get dressed #actually fun morality fact: you’re less likely to do stuff that goes against your moral foundations if you washed your hands recently #so im gonna wash my fuckin hands and get my care harm foundation up to par and then figure out where im at #also sorry for derailing this post and talking about moral psychology. if you’ve been here any amount of time you know how it is #me. my post. mine. #delete later (probably)

[theghostofashton]

.

#the past like two and a half weeks have just been job interview after job interview editorial test after editorial test #and i've been stuck in this permanent anxiety loop where i'm nauseous and shaky all the time and i can't relax ever #and it's just been fucking exhausting like i am so tired #and this recruiter emailed me last night after i had an interview yesterday saying i have my last one today and just #i got rejected from something i really wanted yesterday #and this job i'm interviewing rn i also really want like this is the dream the people are so wonderful the books are incredible #i want it so bad i'm so scared to fuck it up lol #fuck up the interview fuck up my chances whatever #it's just been like. the past few months have been hell and i want this to work so bad #i'm someone who hates change but i am begging for it rn i want my life to change #and i feel good about this but i also don't bc i can never trust my gut my anxiety is too bad for that #i just want things to work i want things to stop being hard i want the universe to do me this solid #also yeah this is why my fic hasn't been updated in a while i'm sorry lol #my life feels like an emotional rollercoaster atm and i just do not have the energy #all i've been doing other than panicking is watching lone star and feverishly reading fics like i don't feel like a person anymore lol #i want this interview to be over but i also just want to do well #idk what this is im just. i feel gross and i have to figure myself out so i can do this lol #delete later

[our-polyamorous-experience]

So, I thought I was monogamous until I got a gf.

I love her, I love her so much, I genuinely am being risked disowned just so I can be with her. She is literally the light of my life.

Now my problem is, despite my love for her, I feel like something is just missing, idek if that is the right term for it. But I feel it.

I have dreamed of having another man in our relationship, just another guy along with her, in my head it feels like it would complete it. But like, I don't even know any thing about being poly, I have never thought myself to be polyamorous, I don't know if what I am saying even aligns with being poly.

But its not even sexual, I rarely think of it as sexual, just as a relationship. I know I am the dominant one in our relationship, not just in the bedroom, but overall, I am someone she can lean on.

But I want someone to lean on, I want a man, I want a boyfriend so fucking badly. I want someone I can share her with, I want someone she can look at and love just as much as me. And be someone he can love just as much as her and vice versa.

I have been raised in a super religious, super conservative household, I am eighteen, this is all so so new to me. I feel like I'm being perverted, or gross, or wrong, and I am so fucking terrified to bring it up with her, especially cause we're long distance.

But I love her, I love her with all of my heart, everyday I talk to her, I have talked with her more than anyone else in my entire life, she is my best friend. I don't even know if this counts as being poly.

I know I've got my whole life to figure this out, but man I was the ten year old who had a 20 year plan because I desperately needed structure and I am no different in my relationship or in figuring out my sexuality/gender.

Idek what this was. Should I talk to her about this? I can live without it, I know I can, but I feel like its something I need not want. We havent been together for even six months yet, maybe I should wait until we're more secure in our relationship. Brother, I do not know.

Anyway, thank you for listening and thank you for your blog. These are things I could never voice irl so having blogs like you does make a difference.

im gonna be so fr idk what to tell you other than "yeag that definitely sounds like youre poly". I'm glad youre starting to be able to figure yourself out, anon.

#our polyamorous experiences #polyamory #sinastre answers asks

[bipbopdepmop]

howdy

i'm anton. i am just a silly little guy who might be lurking in your walls at any given time. (/j)

pronouns: he/they. mostly he, but we silly as they too :3 this blog posts/reblogs MCYT. specifically hermitcraft and the life series. (there's some other stuff too but not nearly as frequent). also lots of memes n stuff i sometimes reblog hermittshipping / trafficshipping. beware. dni if proship or just. generally gross

we subscribe to the philosophy of (see below) here!

passive aggressive blinky by @/stiffyck <3

additional sideblogs:

@crookedgrifter <- homestuck sideblog. go read homestuck @/davejade-daily <- we draw/post homestuck jade harley/dave strider. i am a mod on this! note: it is kind of dead. oops. @/impulsesvdoodles <- i forgot to link this here. i run this as well. there's another blog that i have that im not linking here. if you see it in the wild, it is me! not a fake.

feel free to:

send an ask! standard be nice, don't send weird things, etc. spam like/reblog. go nuts, i'll see it and go wow, they had fun! i'm glad they liked that Thing so much. send art requests. will not draw nsfw/suggestive. will draw hermitcraft and/or life series! probably not ships though. = i don't really tag triggers, peruse at your own risk.

masterposts: alien cowboys au (silly au by @/stiffyck, @/bigb-enthusiast, and me!) link only works on desktop..

media filtering list: here so you can filter non-mcyt posts and/or spoilers for certain medias!

tags (that i never use) and more below the cut!

major tags! warning, my tagging system has fallen by the wayside

#reblog <- this tag is new. to find any reblogs from before nov 9 2023, search #rebop #my art <- this tag is new. to find my old art (anything before nov 9 2023) search #bipbop art #my writing <- i write. sometimes. #talk <- random posts, talking, whatever. this tag is new as of nov 9 2023. to find my old posts, search #bipbop rambles #asks <- ask tag. this tag is new. to find anything from before nov 9 2023, search #ask bipbop #liveblogging <- is what it says on the tin. sometimes stupid comments about the video i'm currently watching

tags i use mostly for myself!

I forget these all the time so this is staying here AKSJLALDJ

#for later <- things containing information i want to be able to dig up later #rotates in brain <- things that I love forever and want to be able to see again #art to scrutinize <- art for me to stare at later and try to figure out what's going on there in an attempt to study how to draw an stuff :D #videos of all time <- any sort of video or clip that I liked and wanna be able to find again. idk. #shenanigans <- for my frieeends yay!! #posts of all time <- famous tumblr posts or things that were funny

#my art #my writing #for later #talk #fic reblog #liveblogging #not mcyt #asks #rotates in brain #art to scrutinize #videos of all time #posts of all time #for alex #pinned post #shenanigans #<- for friends :D

[appsa]

um you don't have to answer, but what about Mindy Kaling do you not like?? I'm Indian myself and i watched a little of her show and something about her just felt Not Good but i couldn't figure it out? if you could put that to words that'd be cool if not, have a good day!

Well uh. I just wanna preface this saying i dont know anything abt mindy kaling. I never watched the office or whatever sitcom she came in first and like i only found out she existed like a yr or two ago when i watched some show she produced. Just going off vibes here alone but yeah i agree the vibes in her shows are just Bad. Theyre all about like... a brown girl being surrounded by hot white men who all want her, and all the other female characters around her come off as shallow and unimportant in comparison to her so they will never be competition for her in that regard. Which sounds like yeah whatever its just trashy television.

But like i feel the grossness of that attitude in her shows rly comes thru when she depicts other indians, especially other indian women. She immediately sets them up as a rival or whatever and its honestly a little embarrassing to watch. Her internalized racism comes thru so aggressively and lol idk if its because ive been around w a Certain Kind of diaspora indians and dealt w their bullshit before but i have zero sympathy anymore for the heartbreaking dilemma of indian americans who have so much internalized racism that they hate their relatives who visit from india and give them second hand embarrassment by being "too indian" and "too perfect" with family stuff in comparison to them. I simply do not care for the self hate that poor indian americans feel around us.

More on how she depicts indians, her right wing sympathies especially visible in never have i ever, but it gets brushed off because ppl outside india will miss it because its not as obvious if ur not in tune w indian politics. Theres so many little things like the main character being completely ignorant of knowing that most of indias population eating nonveg food (showing that shes only picturing uppercaste indians when she thinks of india), the immigrant sister being told that she'd be treated as an outcast in the community if she married someone who her parents didn't pick for her (basically she'd be miserable and never find community again if she doesnt marry a guy of the same caste same religion etc), and then her actually abandoning the guy she liked for the guy her parents chose for her, and the literal shout out to modi the main chatacter's mom does like. U get it. It paints a picture. And the show still gets praised for being progressive because it has a "diverse cast".

Honestly its not even surprising to me that it came out that her brother racefaked to get into college (or whatever he did. I never looked up the details and im not interested to either). Right wingers in india have been attacking affirmative action in india (reservation for depressed classes in institutions) for literal decades because they are losing seats they feel theyre entitled to, but they have no problem going abroad and using 'diversity' to their advantage. Idk if i put it in words right but thats the vibe.

Pls do not rb btw i dont want to start shit

#ask #idk dude! vibes are rancid! #theres a special subset of nri thats just. like that. i simply have no patience for them #im not getting into her racism towards black ppl in the shows btw cause i dont remember exact examples #but i remember it was there #mindy kaling needs to stop w these self insert shows where she complains with her stupid voice abt #how everyone is pressuring her to be politically correct #when she is cracking shameless jokes to make her white boy of the day laugh

[nerves-nebula]

Same thing happened to me. Different circumstances, but yeah it is super painful. My mom didn't tell me what I period was until I got it for the first time, and I wasn't even with her. I was at my grandmother's house and had to learn what they were from her, my mom only explained it to me after.

She also hasn't taught me hygiene either. I know the basics of course, the really obvious ones that are easy to do. Anything else? Hell if I know. I don't even know how to properly wash my hair, I have dandruff constantly. She complains about it, but she sure as hell isn't gonna teach me how.

Anyways, I wanted to write this to tell you that you aren't alone. This shit is incredibly common, for whatever reason. It sucks, but my advice is to just try. Focus on the now, and just try your best. Tacky advice, I know, but Focusing on the now will get you to the future. And that way you can prepare yourself for it, and actually know how to do it.

(You don't have to answer this ask, I just wanted to send some words of encouragement :D)

thank you, it feels really nice when people offer their stories unprompted like this <3

my mom taught us the basics too, by which I mean she TOLD them to us and barely ever enforced them. I've gotten better at showering regularly (probably still less than most people though) but I cant fuckin STAND brushing my teeth. it makes my mouth feel sooo gross and i never got into the habit of it so it's still difficult.

I used to have HORRIBLE dandruff too, and it itched so bad that I would scab my head all over scratching at it. turns out I have seborrheic dermatitis (diagnosed via tumblr user saying I might have it, and then a nurse confirming it lmao) and now I use a medical anti-dandruff shampoo from like. walgreens or something! I think its called selsun blue or something, so idk maybe that'll help?

ALSO FUCKING. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH HAIR. so im mixed and my mom has straight hair cause shes very white. so i am FUCKED cause god knows she wont learn to do black hair. but my hair isnt as tightly curled as my other siblings either, so im kind of just left floundering cause idk what kind of hair i even HAVE so how do i figure out how to take care of it??? all i know is that shampoo goes before conditioner ;O;

ANYWAY yeah you're advice here is actually pretty solid. unfortunately the truth is that when it comes to hygiene, you just have to try to do it consistently.

one thing that helps me take showers (and this is advice i got from ppl with ADHD, which i might also have idk) is to either set a timer or just don't. think.

if i think too much I'll never take a shower cuz i'll be thinking about how hard it is and how long it will take.

but if I think "i should shower" and just ride that thought out then I can collect all my things (towel, bodywash, etc) and go to the shower before I have the chance to change my mind.

my hygiene is still probably "gross" to most people but I've improved a lot so i'm proud of myself.

sorry for the ramble hah, I appreciate the encouragement <3

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #neglect #child neglect #unhygienic

[futurewife]

Your post about not wanting kids irl but exploring having kids in a fictional context is really relatable. I like the idea of being a parent in a fictional context, especially if it’s like being a parental figure to fictional children who’s fictional parents didn’t treat them well. Additionally, the idea of a character you love telling you that you’d make a great parent is also really assuring and weirdly affirming. I’m not sure how to further explain it, but it’s just a really comforting thing to me personally.

but having kids in real life? Yeah no, that’s off the table. I have so many reasons why and most of said reasons are out of my control (ie: the climate is fucked) - but mostly it’s because of my medical condition which leaves me really tired a lot and taking care of myself is already hard enough as it is. Raising a whole human being while tired? YEAH NO, that’s not going to happen. But yeah I’m sorry about this ask/2 cents but your post was really relatable.

Yes totallyyy like I like thinking about telling my f/os they're gonna be dads and stuff, I think that's super cute but even then I feel like it's more about me and them and us than the baby itself HAHAHA... Just imagining little contained scenarios like that is enough for me, and it's not even in my ship lore or anything. Great for higher stakes drama and angst though. Plus I lose interest in imagining anything past uhm... delivery and the first 24 hours....uh uh no thank you. selfship inner mind theatre over. once that baby starts impeding on our relationship (jk)

I think it makes perfect sense to enjoy it only in a fantasy way because well... if you do it in real life you get an actual real baby you have to centre around and it won't even be C.able's from d.eadpool 2 ☹🙁😬😬(L)

I agree with what you said about a character telling you you're gonna be a great parent- I think this hits the part of the brain that's like yesssss f/o picked me they picked MEEEEE im going to be their little broodmare for all time :) cuz they just like me sooooo much :)) - which I am all about almost pathologically. It feels kinda gross and biological but I guess i still have that switch that says find the best genes out there and make sure you snatch them up so they get deposited into you and create offspring. ig my f/os are my brain's idea of "THE BEST GENES" so I want them to br**d me for not only sexual reasons. it's like I don't want to actually be a mother but I still want you to want to if I wanted to idk... it's nice to be ASKED ig 🙄😤😤

when I was a kid I just assumed I would have kids at some vague future date, like it was an inevitable thing coming towards me I couldn't prevent. but when I got into my 20s I realised i literally didn't have to and it's crazy that that blew my mind HAHA. I was like wait... this idea never excited me and I never really cared about it or fantasised about babies it wasn't a part of any dream future type plans. I would always wanna rp as the pregnant mother when we played house tho ig that's the only part I liked the idea of HAHAHAHA and still to this day... but hell no i don't want to take care of the doll and tote it around and pretend to feed it. this explains everything

I also agree with your climate change reason for not having kids. That's one of my personal things too- call me a doomer or whatever but I just feel like I'm doing them a disservice, when I myself am already concerned about what the rest of my life will involve with weather messing up food supplies, plastic pollution, extreme temps etc- plus the environmental impact of one more person when in all likelihood I KNOW I wouldn't really enjoy being a mother. The cons far far far outweigh the pros for me (I can only think- my partner may really want kids? but then why are they with me lol. also i feel this is a quick trip to resentment and regret because you only did it for someone else- and as a woman statistically most of the child rearing would be on me too). i also am a bit weird in the brain (menthol illness that i think emotionally stunts me and takes a lot to manage- i need a lot of time to myself to decompress) and a lot of that is coincidentally due to my own mothering experience (bad and scary) + having no positive modelling of motherhood (hence never developing the instincts? behaviours? maternal warmth who?) so it seems like a real surreal nightmare situation to have my own children.

it's ok tho I hc C.able as infertile due to the virus 😎✌

#tw pregnancy #thank you for reaching out- to me it makes perfect sense to not have children but it's surprising how not understood this is #the societal narrative + expectation is really so strong and normalised- like how I just thought it was coming for me no matter what

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw pedo, confusion, family.

sometimes i feel like my dad may be a pedo. not that i caught him with any porn of that sort, his stash was completely adult related when i used to see it scattered around the house and what not. i was hyper as a child and unfortunately viewed such things every time. he's never done anything to me that i know of, except once he roughly spanked me as a teen which i felt very violated from in a bad way type of touch feeling. i was pretty confused.. they also shamed me for being sexual (getting caught in school making jokes with a friend and drawing dicks n writing things about teachers) which they ended up seeing and ofc i felt guilt bc they were disappointed in me and shamed me, banned me from watching shows and what not. couldn't even have a phone bc they didn't trust me. this was up til 11 years old to 14.

ive been sexualised my whole life. shaming me for wearing clothes that expose my figure, I was only 14 when an uncle apparently commented on me saying how im dressed inappropriate bc he can see my shape.. mind you, i was fully clothed head to toe. i didn't know about this until my parents mentioned it in anger, implying its my fault basically. yeah u get the gist of it. my whole life ive felt uncomfortable. getting looks from people and even my own family.

i remember being in my early 20s my mom mentioned this to me bc I said how my dad would be harsh. she said its bc of ur actions, also holding what i drew and wrote in school still against me. i was only 11/12?? but what's even crazy, she said i wrote those things about my own dad. yes. my mind was shocked how she could even say such things. and yet she believed that even tho I said it wasn't even about anyone except a teacher. so, i know my mom holds jealously and resentment of this. probably thinking ill steal her man vibe, which is gross. I felt extremely gaslight, I always have with them.

since their messed up minds think that idk if that's why he behaves weird with me. i know he's a pervert but this is just. there was a show we would watch and he was very obsessed with the girl. (She was 17, same age as me) and i found that so bizarre. my mom simply didn't gaf. I even said its wrong but no one cares. his obsession was unhealthy, finding pics of her and searching up explicit scenes of her which I found on his search.

its like its so normalised. she's like the age of ur daughter wtf. ig since then its just been confusing for me bc I've been gaslight badly. idk if i ever got abused by him bc i don't really remember such happening. i only had a sexual dream with him once which was strange. he does take offguard pics of me which I hate and tell him to delete but he never does. he gives me weird looks and i hate dressing up bc of it. they make me feel ashamed of myself and disgusted. I feel like a whore, like im begging for this.

I'm glad I haven't had any weird touches or anything, but its still uncomfortable with the energy that lingers around. like im always reminded when they give me certain looks esp my mom. i feel like im going insane just thinking of everything. i wish things were normal but they really ain't are there

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

I can see how being shamed for being sexual or making sexual jokes may have influenced the way you view your own sexuality, especially at such a formative age. It's saddening and frustrating to hear that your family seems to normalize victim blaming. It's gross that your uncle made that comment, not only because you were a child, but because it implies he was looking to see your "shape". The comments that your mom made towards you are not okay either. The things that you found out about your dad are also quite disturbing and predatory.

Even if you dad hasn't touched you or anything like that, he still does some harmful things and it's valid to be upset or traumatized by that. I think a lot of this, especially with the example of your uncle, could count as sexual harassment.

It makes sense to be uncomfortable with the environment that your family creates. Your wish for things to be normal is completely understandable, and I'm sorry you've been having to put up with this. Please know that there's nothing you could've done to deserve being abused, and you don't deserve to be disgusted at yourself for things that aren't your fault.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw sa #tw csa #trauma details

[magnoliamyrrh]

this is about the convo earlier with being molested by family members..i'm also balkan and i grew up with my grandparents but especially my grandpa inappropriately touching my chest and when i tried to tell my mom, older sis and aunt they all dismissed it as 'ehh he probably didn't mean to/his hand slipped'. i didn't wanna insist and look crazy because i do love my grandpa and he was the only parental figure i had in my life growing up, but at the same time...he did do that. idk if he thought it was normal or what but i think about it often. i can't bring it up with my family again because they'll just ignore it (especially now that he's dead). it's weird to think about how loving and nice he was when he was also doing shit like that from time to time. idk where i'm going with this but yeah. i don't think of myself as someone who was molested as a kid but this shit is definitely normalized. i've seen it in other families where they'd constantly touch and talk about their little boy's genitals... it's so fucked up

it really is fucked up, and its fucked up to realize that so many of us grew up w this.... for a long time i thought this was a me issue not a cultural one - and all the silence and shame around it certainly didnt help w that.... its been fucking weird to think abt the last couple of days since i asked on here abt it. like.. weve really made this SO normal and common huh?? that going against it is outright dismissed or even punished??? i cant help but just keep wondering where the fuck it all went so wrong and how we got here - and whats so wrong that things like this havent been accepted only in the balkans but elsewhere. what. what is wrong with this species. incest is one of the only universal taboos among humans, and most other mammals also have an aversion to it. and yet. we have normalized an abnormal amount of it nontheless over and over again .....? uuuff

im sorry you went through that, and im sorry they didn't take it seriously and listen more to you. thats something that always hurts in particular. discomfort/repulsion is a normal reaction to have and youd expect at least the other women in ur family to care or understand it too, and its rly fucked up when they just... dismiss it or minimize it or make you feel guilty for it or like its your issue or hell do it themselves.. i figure for a lot of them, if theyd accept that what youre saying is bad, itd mean theyd have to accept that things they went through themselves was bad, and they dont wanna do that. so they dont do either.. im sorry that u cant speak abt it and i totally get how him being dead would make it all much harder. in my family at least we v much have a "dont speak ill of the dead" sorta thing, or just excusing the actions of particularly men after they did sorta thing......i still haven't told my family just about anything. any time i ever tried to bring up anything as a kid id get dismissed and ignored at best or be punished or degraded and humiliated at worst so.... learned my lesson on that one but. thank u for sending this, i hate to hear how many of us went through this but also its. nice to know that were not alone in this and that other ppl do get it

and i feel you. its a really confusing mess to try to make sense of how to feel abt ppl like that... be angry? be grossed out, be scared? be numb, be okay with it, pretend it didnt happen? excuse it, explain it away? .... and its just weird in the cases when it wasnt rly something particularly violent, or ""not that bad/bad enough"" ig or towes that line of being able to convince urself that maybe welll it could have been an accident. its weird to know how to feel abt them when they were seemingly ok ppl you cared abt and still do and who were nice other times. .. but also... did shit like this which end of the day just isnt ok. idk... i dont think theres rly a end or solution or one way to feel, i think.... its just kinda bound to be a cocktail of conflicting emotions... im still trying to figure out how to find some sort of. idk, potential resolution or peace w any of it but i haven't rly figured it out yet, i just keep turning it in my mind too

#anon im sending u many hugs and wishing u all the best 🌸 feel free to vent whenever

[rukistarz]

✩ STAR DIARY - entry four - 20.2.23 ✩

6:19 pm

im on day 9 of my liquid fast and the cravings are getting like…really bad. im not planning to give in, obviously, but i can’t help but feel like shit for wanting to eat already when i’ve barely made a dent in my fast, you know ? it makes me feel less than, and pathetic. but im so determined to prove myself wrong and show myself that i can continue on, ignore these stupid cravings and complete my fast like i planned. im tired of being a failure. i will reach my ugw, and i will be successful and happy.

im currently at my lowest weight (124.4), which is great, and it keeps dropping, but i still feel really really fat. like, i can physically feel all of the excess fat on my body and it makes me feel horrible. the thing is tho, it’s not just a feeling, it’s actually there. like, my love handles are still there and they obscure my body in a disgusting way way. my thighs are unbelievably huge, as well as my arms.

it’s ironic because when i was like, twenty pounds heavier, i thought i’d be so skinny at this weight. but im not. i feel like i will finally feel okay, and not so fat when i get to 110 and lower, because i haven’t seen anyone my height being fat at that size. though, the possibility is still there, if feeling fat and gross, you know ? idk

anyway, im going out with my best friend tomorrow, and im really excited for multiple reasons. we haven’t seen each other in over a month, so im looking forward to meeting again. my birthday was on the 1st feb, her’s is on the 29th, so we always meet up during the middle to have a joint b-day celebration, and we’ll be exchanging gifts too. im excited for her to see what i got her, because i really went all out, and im excited to see what she got me. i feel like she probably got me an album or something, which would be cool because i got her two, so we can unbox them together. i also got her other bits and bobs, and a really funny birthday card that i think she’ll thoroughly enjoy.

though, im not planning on eating anything tomorrow, obviously. and the worst thing is, that she knows about my ed, so she’ll probably know that things are bad. she won’t pry or anything, but i know that she’ll figure it out. i feel bad, because i usually omad when we go out, but i cant this time. im also really scared that i might trigger her one day in some way, because she also struggles with body image, too. like, i don’t vent about my ed to anyone, especially in depth, but she knows about it already, and she’ll see my weight-loss and me turning down food, you know ? i just don’t want her to experience anything like this ever.

we’re going to a cat cafe, and i think i might just order a hot chocolate and drink that and when we go out to get food, i’ll say it made me nauseous and i cant eat, or something. i could also say that im on my period, which makes the sickly feeling even worse, and much more believable. granted, im not sure if we’ll go get food after, anyway, because she said she’ll probably get a pastry there, and idk if she’ll feel hungry after that. but it’s whatever, i have my plan in mind. im also glad because we’ll be doing a bunch of window shopping and walking a lot, and i wanna burn a lot of cals from the hot chocolate, you know ?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

11:22 pm

my mind won’t stop thinking about something my sister said to me a few weeks back.

i was weighing myself and she walked in on me and decided to weigh in too, i was about 128 at that time, and she weighed in at about 180.

she said she wished that she was my size instead, but then went on to say that we’re not that far apart in weight.

which is true, however…that shit literally triggered me so bad.

like, does she think we look the same or something ?

like, no shade to her, i love her and all…it’s just, it fucked with me and it won’t leave my head.

honestly though, it’s crazy motivation because, she wants to lose weight, but refuses to change her eating habits. she always hounds me and my other sister (who has been going to the gym and eating healthily) for trying to lose weight (my family think im on a diet) and how it makes her feel insecure since we’re already skinny in her eyes.

i cant wait to see her again once im at my ugw and for her jaw to drop lmao, her as well as my other sister who’s trying to lose weight too, i want to surpass her and lose weight faster. i also want to be the skinniest in the family too, so this 100 day fast kinda like killing three birds with one stone.

✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩

#star ✩ diary #tw ana diary #tw ana diet #tw ana related #tw ana vent #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw ed in the tags #tw ed vent #tw ana relapse #tw ana shit #ana trigger #anamia #anor3x14 #anorex14 #tw ana fast #tw ana mention #tw ed relapse #anarec1a #ed but not sheeran

[bekurimkarlar]

Sigh. Figuring out sexuality is annoying and frustrating and depressing for me. As an ace spec person I know there’s diversity among us aces. But most of the time aces can and do masterbate. I don’t enjoy it. It’s too much work and idk if I’ve ever had an orgasm cuz by the time I’m done it doesn’t feel satisfying as others express it to be. It feels empty. I don’t think im sex repulsed. Im not grossed out by the thought of one day having sex with my partner. It’d be for emotional love and intimacy.

I’ve wondered if maybe CSA has impacted me but even when I get myself in the right head space it just doesn’t feel enjoyable. It feels more like a chore whenever I do get horny which is super rare. The only times I’ve gotten the most aroused to feel any type of pleasure are when my partner is involved. But I don’t want to be dependent on a person to feel pleasure. Why can’t I take care of myself!?

Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal like other aces? Why does direct contact with my genitalia gross me out? Toys don’t work either. Nothing works unless there’s someone else doing it for me. 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫

I really wish I wasn’t this way. Hearing other aces and my gf talk about what makes them feel good just doesn’t make sense. Sigh. Idk. Just needed to get this off my chest otherwise I’d implode. Is there anyone else like this!? God I hope so.

#asexual spectrum #asexual #aspec #ace spectrum #masterbation #dysphoria

[suedrawl]

personal health vent stuff. god im at a loss. but got to keep pushing myself forward and figuring it out

i just looked at myself in the mirror and…hmm, i’m not looking so great

weight gain is starting to more seriously affect my face; i look swollen and saggy. bad breakouts that are healing slowly. body is bloated, heavy, even with feeling that overweight dysphoria. i’m purple under the eyes, haven’t showered in days, fascial hair keeps growing back fast and thick, and…idk, i just look gross and sick

i finally managed to get out of bed, but don’t think i slept well. i feel pretty awful too, in a physical sense. stiff, achey, dealing with fibro and the myofascial pain. headaches, foggy brain, blurry vision. i feel like i dont eat much, but always am feeling heavy and full. everything feels like it’s spinning out of my control, and trying to gain some footing. at a bit of a loss, but it’s pretty clear i need to get those doctor appointments set up; I think at this rate it’s beyond my ability to handle. going to try to sit down and do some calls/emails

and i got so much shit to do. i’m a week behind in laundry, i dont remember the last time i got up to help Pablo prep for work/getting up in the morning at all, the apartment is a wreck, I haven’t drawn in a weeks, not socializing much, not getting outside, not having enough energy and focus to handle basic tasks like hygiene and taking meds on time. it’s a bad spiral

lets see what i can accomplish this afternoon…i have to find a way to fix all this

#sue personal #chronic illness #i really dont want complete med redos and hospital stays #at least i’m not passively 24/7 suicidal these days #there’s been a lot of improvement #more and more i realize how much was based on LEGIT PAIN and environment and not just me being sad and lazy

[waitimcomingtoo]

hi its 🧚‍♀️ anon here, so i just wanted to say smth here just bc i don't really know where else to say this or anyone to confide to, im sorry if this is so long

so i've been struggling with my sexuality for quite awhile, for the longest time i have thought that i was straight, just bc i have always been attracted to guys and brought up in a really straight family. growing up i have crushes on like a few female characters and such but due lgbtq+ not being a subject that was discussed a lot i didn't really think much of it. i only discover all about lgbtq+ when i got into marvel which was in 2018, but honestly i only really really educated myself when lockdown happened. for the past two years i didnt really talk much with my irl friends and mostly just interacted w my online friends but for a year ish now i've been thinking a lot about my sexuality and how i might like women and want to date them, but at the same time not really?? like idk if its my inner homophobia or im just straight. the fact that i've never been in any form of romantic relationship doesnt help either, literally never kissed or date anyone or even hold hands...i always wanted to experience it but from the few occasions i found out ppl like me i just felt grossed out and immediately dislike the guy? like its all so so confusing, the label that i felt quite nicely that might fit me rn biromantic demisexual but i haven't really come out to anyone yet except for 2 friends, one queer one straight. im so scared to even label myself bc i dont want to act as if im gay passing or suddenly label myself as straight and feed on the stereotype where being gay can be cured... i know i dont need to label myself or anything but it feels as if a part of me is missing.. but if i do came out i doubt i will anyway, my sister is open and out to me but i dont really feel safe coming out to her, my real life friends are so so religious and not really that open with lgbtq+, my family is a bit weird bc my cousins are supportive ig but they're not active supporters, my parents im not sure bc sometimes they act as if they're supportive but sometimes they dont so i honestly am not sure anymore this whole thing is so confusing and i just feel alone most of the time

wow lots to unpack here. My advice to you is not to rush into labeling yourself. That will only confuse you more and make you feel like you have to confine to the label. You don’t have to decide right now if you want to date girls or not. Sometimes, the only way you can find out is personal experience. I didn’t know I didn’t want to date boys until I was literally dating a boy. And unfortunately, I had to hurt him in the process of figuring myself out. Try not to do that lol. Try talking to women and seeing if you could actually imagine yourself dating a woman. It’s very different to want to actually be in a relationship with a girl versus just liking the idea of it. This process of figuring yourself out could take years and that is okay!! There is no rush. Don’t care about what other people think about this. It’s your journey and it’s all about you 💖