#if i cant even keep myself fucking clean

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Oh to have someone who would notice when I haven't showered in a few days and ask if I'm ok without making me feel bad about myself...

Like yeah man I know my hair looks like shit and I smell gross I really don't need to have another person point that out to me I am aware and I feel yucky but I'm just kind of out of it and everything feels like too much and idk what to do

I know I would feel better if I get clean, but showering just sounds like so much effort somehow and I feel oddly avoidant about it, especially knowing that once I'm in I really won't wanna get out, but there are other people who live here and I can't just hog the bathroom all day

Besides, I'll just feel all gross again tomorrow or maybe the next day if I'm lucky, so what's even the point?

#depression #apathy #autistic burnout #duck's thoughts #duck rants #mental health #mental illness #self care #or rather the lack thereof #how tf am i supposed to be an independent adult #if i cant even keep myself fucking clean #like right now i dont necessarily have to be presentable #bc im on break and im pretty much just staying cooped up in my dorm #but like it doesnt feel good #not having to deal with the outside world is comfortable and safe but it isnt good for me #you know? #feeling disconnected from life #and from myself to some extent #humans are gross #and thats unfortunately just a part of life #its so annoying

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #venting tw #negativity tw #gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low. #i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you #to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot #and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3 #fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping #it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it' #and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them. #and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work. #and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need #to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE #DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM #bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month #sorry i needed to get that out #suicide tw #abuse tw #not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another #and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30 #years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years #have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness. #shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer. #gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞

[jonny-b-meowborn]

As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.

#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism #like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled #cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need #but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced #i wanna throw up just thinking about it #i cant do anything without my moms help #i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't #i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop. #i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone #i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me #i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything. #my brain refuses to let me work on anything #and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything. #im built to live like a parasite baby and die #my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself #i dont know what to do #bee buzz

[natandacat]

btw im feeling a lot today bc my neighbor is having a bbq and i really wanna go but i had to lie and say i was working bc everyone there is a hardcore party goer and theres too many covid cases rn so even in an outdoor setting i would need to mask and that crowd would be super weirded out by my n95 and also it would suck bc i wouldnt even be able to eat. anyway. being at risk is like living in purgatory while 99% of the population literally doesnt care.

#I WANNA DO DRUG WITH MY NEIGHBOR AND INSTEAD I HAVE LONG COVID #i think the universe is spitting on me #the levels of restraint i need to have to remind myself that its not worth it #i kinda have to keep thinking about the infection and the bad relapses #even though its super traumatizing lol #bc if i dont force myself to remember i would just go bar crawling like tonight ngl #but then i remember being too weak to moan #and how terrifying those hours were #i remember the days where ive been too weak to move in my bed too weak to breathe without effort #and it kinda kills the urge lol #but it sucks!!! that i have to think about this all the time!! #i wanna forget those horrible times fr but the pandemic is ongoing #the mental fortitude i need to survive this fr. #just bitching #medical cw #i live alone rn i cant have a big PEM im not doing another survival week unable to feed or clean myself #im NOT lol #last year was harrowing and this time around i am more prepared and i WILL not end up at the bottom of the hole again #sorry i need to give myself this pep talk bc i hear the music outside and fuck i wanna drink and smoke weed 😔😔😔😔😔😔

[puppysdog]

having a whats the point of it day

#.txt #ill be fine im just struggling and need to vent #but man whats the point. i cant keep things clean. i cant get my shit together. i can barely even try and be healthy #i hate almost every emotion i have because i dont feel like im ever expressing it right or feeling it right #and im probably not bc awtism #im so tired again all the time #every couple of months i get like this and im like ill be better we can get things together #and i do one thing and then let it all build up again #i want to be better but i barely have the energy to be good #i get upset and angry at myself so easy and i want to hit myself but thats bad #i feel like im faking it all anyways and its not that hard. that im just being a baby #so its fucking stupid to feel like this anyways #but if i cant get around it then whats the god damn point!!! #my day off and im spending it trying not to cry in bed #i was gonna get up and go to the park but whats the point. im just gonna go back to sleep like i always do #and waste my life #and somehow still be tired after and make everything bad #whatever maybe when i stop crying ill clean something and pretend it makes me feel better #upsetting andrew with this lol. love being the worst <3

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

It's hard not to be gloomy about the things I'm no longer capable of doing

#solo road trips to the ocean used to be one of my favorite things to do #but i cant drive myself that far anymore #i cant even reliably drive myself to the store #i cant be outside on sunny days or i get sick #and its sunny here most of the year #i cant do the exercises i used to enjoy #i cant keep my apartment as clean as id like it to be #i cant do much of anything #my old friends are out doing cool things and my siblings are all accomplishing so much for themselves #but i cant do any of that #my life is painful and boring #fucking hate it sometimes #i miss how my life used to be before i got sick

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw rant

My greatest fear is my own negligence. I'm so scared something will happen- something to someone I love or something important to them. And I will watch it destroyed, frozen by fear or not having the knowledge or reaction time to do anything.

I feel like people I love are going to die. I feel like I have to prepare myself for it even. Sometimes I almost think I *want* them to die just because the fear is too much. Of course I desperately don't want that, that's the whole point. It's a vicious cycle and I just feel so trapped and helpless.

#the only thing i can do is try to be useful #i think to myself 'if i can make things easier on them then they wont die' #the first thought that comes to mind is that they will die specifically from being over worked #so i try to do everything to lighten the load #i clean the house and help with shopping and try . #and try my best #ill even try things like exercising because i think its my fault and i shouldnt be disabled and i can just get stronger #but i keep hurting myself and that just makes the fear worse #it just solidifies that i am helpless #maybe i cant handle the pressure of being a human being #to have things inevitably beyond my control #i can't stand the gray area there. where there are things tgat can be done but no one expects #because i dont care who expects it. i NEED to prevent these fears in any way i can #i dont know what would happen to me if i didn't #im just so so scared all of the time i fucking hate this

[blood-trip-god2]

.

#I'm so increasingly become unhappy at work #like every time i think I'm doing good something comes up and just wrecks my motivation #i like my job and what i do but its so stressful and idk how much longer i can take it #and with how my hours are scheduled it puts more pressure on me because i leave before orders are picked up #ups/fedex/private courier get picked up at/around 5pm and i leave at 4 #im the sole opener at work and im expected to get the whole office ready for the day and expected to clean at the end of the day too #i cant even enjoy my weekends because now im getting emails and texts from my boss #im stressing the fuck out right now and im miserable #i dont want to eat and i cant calm down and im about to make myself cry #i try to do my best and it just keeps coming up short #wrath of a god revealed #im tired of it #blood trip god speaks

[enigmasandepiphanies]

I miss my mum

#adulting is lonely #why do i have to have an elaborate bedtime routine why can't my tired ass just sleep #why prep for tomorrow why oil your hair why clean your bowls and plates why take your meds and apply moisturizer #why does it take so much effort to keep yourself alive and healthy #why do backs hurt and why cant sleep be enough #and why cant research papers write itself on days when you can't read #why can't you read stuff fast #why is unproductivity so attached to sadness #burnt outs are hard #every day is too much living #when did home become a place when time stilled so you could breathe without effort #why is it so lonely #this is not making me even sad I am just like pensive #hence i shall go to bed at a very holy time and wake up early to live too much again #ps people should stop perceiving me and idk what am i doing with my life with myself with my wants needs all that maslow hierarchy crap #i just wanna sleep and wake up anytime i want #it became a luxury #now #ugh i am so fucking whiney and petty

[timehascomeagain]

Im sore and guilty and i want to be held until the feelings go away. <- 24/7 shouted chant in the back of my brain

#i feel so badd😭😭 i will always put myself ahead of what i owe other people but not in a good way in a deeply selfish unkind unpleasant #way. like girl no one cares u were overwhelmed with school and work get a fucking grip on yourself. #i dont know what it is i just find it all so difficult. i feel like ill always let people down by dropping out of touch so it's just better #not to try at all WHICH DOESNY EVEN MAKE SENSE.......... #but i feel so bad bc my mum so #unded so put out when she asked why i hadnt been texting her while she was away #and i didnt even have an answer #and i feel this visceral tug of grief every time i think of my grandma as if shses not still alive and also waiting to hear from me. it all #feels so frahile and temporary and like theres so much riding on it all and im so stressed and it's not good. anne Carson did you ever figu #re out where to put it down etc #im just so freaked out. i have to write 3 essays tomorrow ajd clean the house and avoid getting into any shit with my family. it's all #painfully real now ngl #i feel so alone but i cant bring myself to nurture the connections ive got. especially family. and it sucks. i wish it didnt feel like it #is all on me to keep everything together. #like i guess it's just a matter of really really trying to balance everything bc at the end of the day id rather have a late essay than kno #w i put an essay before my family. #but it's all just sooooooooòooooooiioooooiioioioiouououiyoririioo #Omfg i realized today that the intro of free in the knowledge uses the same chord progression asthat 1 bit of sweet song thats like #And ahhhhh it seems that we keep falling apart but i hope i see the good in you come back again. which i think is neat. #also i think someone is using the blundering #the blender* and i am not impressed. #oh my god im just so tired i think getting a job might have been a mistake. i think surviving birth was a mistake actually🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[strawbearydreams]

.

#so ive never really done a vent post like this on here (or anywhere for that matter) #so idrk how this is gonna go but ig im gonna try it anyway cause idrk what else to do at this point lmao #look. listen. i know. i know *logically* that if i did die or disappear or whatever i know people would miss me #i know people would be sad and heartbroken and i know people care about me listen. i *know* #but i just. i cant help but think that everything would be better if i just. wasnt here #like. i just feel like such a burden to everyone around me. like i feel like i make everyones life actively worse #especially my dad #god he deserves so much better than me #i treat him so fucking badly like. all he asks of me is to keep my spaces clean and i just fucking. dont #i let the shit and the garbage pile up until hes overwhelmed cause i cant fucking bring myself to do simple fucking human tasks #cause of my fucking adhd or whatever #even though thats just an excuse #i should be able to do these things! i should be able to function like a normal human being! #i should be able to keep up with my hygiene and my chores and my school and work responsibilities! #but i cant! i fucking cant! #god im so fucking tired im fighting. im so tired of trying over and over and over again all for it to not fucking matter in the end #cause im right back where i fucking started #god all of this is just a shitty excuse to continue being a shit fucking human being #i dont even feel human anymore lol i feel *less* than human #god i wish i was less than human. i wish i was a fucking dog or something #that way i wouldnt have to worry about this bullshit world #that says a lot about me huh #im gonna end it there #ignore this pls #vent #tw vent

[hecksupremechips]

The most validating thing about having a brother in law is sometimes I’ll make a comment about my parents being kinda horrible and he’ll just be like "DUDE FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT IVE BEEN THINKING THIS THE WHOLE TIME BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO ADDRESS IT"

#the klock keeps ticking #like i remember about 2 years ago when it really clicked with me that my parents were worse than i let myself believe #i had like covid and so to be safe i completely isolated myself in my room and only came out when no one was around #or with a mask on just to get food or use the bathroom that was it #and like when i had mostly recovered i stopped isolating and i looked around and noticed huh the house is kinda a hot mess #and i realized it was because i was the one who kept up with like basic cleaning and making sure things were in order #so like a little bit later i was in the car with my sister and brother in law and i was talking about this #and i was like ‘i think ive realized our parents are kinda unable to take care of themselves without me doing it for them’ #and my BIL was like IM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY NOTICED THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR YEARS #which was just so validating i was like okay so im not just being an ass like this is an actual problem #and idk a more recent thing that maybe uh. made me a little bit emotional was we were basically at a cool place where you can climb shit #and he was just kinda there helping me when it seemed i was gonna lose balance to make sure i didnt get hurt #as well as my sister too and i was like oh god is this was like. basic affection feels like??? #is this what it feels like to have someone care like actually kinda give a fuck about your safety and well being??? #so yeah i maybe am still not okay with that and still dont know how to feel anymore 😭 #so i guess even though hes stinky and i like to bully him I GUESS hes actually a pretty cool guy and he does make my sister happy and he #treats her with respect and hes very good with their cat so yeah maybe i actually really appreciate him and care more about him #than i do my parents and most people in my family #but i cant say that cuz then itll like. go straight to his head 🥺 #and he still wont play pokepark 2 with me even though he PROMISED its been like 4 years since he said that and WE STILL HAVENT PLAYED IT 👺👺👺

[tokyoteddywolf]

It sucks so much once you realize how entwined someone is in your life, then it just sucks more when you have to scrub away the traces it existed. That it was there, and it was good, until it wasn't anymore.

(Ignore my angry venting it's 3am I'm cranky and want chocolate.)

#vent #i feel like my hands are soaked in blood that soap cant clean #'blood is thicker than water' they say but that just makes it all the harder to scrub away once it goes bad #i loved you so much and i still do but now everything is just bitter and rotting and i hate it so much #and im just ranting to myself about how unfair it is that im doing so much better but i still miss what i had #that it wasnt your fault i didnt get help sooner- i believed so badly that i didnt deserve help. #that if i just waited long enough id rot away and be done with it all. #and i never got to say 'thank you for loving me when i couldnt love myself' at the worst time of my life. #you tried to help me. i can appreciate that #but i can be bitter that you still abandoned me. i have that right. i am going to be better and do better but you dont get to have that. #im still learning how to be a proper human. one that can learn to love herself and not distrust any form of affection. #but im going to do that on my own and when im better i hope you see it. i really hope you do. #you both still abandoned me though so fuck you both for that. im not gonna be nice about it anymore. #i didnt wanna hurt feelings even though mine were CONSTANTLY trampled over. so yeah. fuck you. that feels good to say. #fuck you for never apologizing. fuck you for abandoning me in a city i had no place else to go in. fuck you for giving me false hope. #fuck you for making promises you couldnt keep. fuck you for all the times i felt alone or excluded or just plain unwanted. #fuck you for constantly picking each other over me. fuck you for all the times i had to swallow how i felt because it was 'mean'. #fuck you for making your love conditional. fuck you for never even trying to understand how i felt. fuck you for taking years of my life. #and mostly just- fuck you for making me think i was worth it. #i felt like i had to do all the work in that friendship. starting convos and game days and INTERACTING. #the friends i have now dont do that shit. they COMMUNICATE WITH ME. Fuck you for that too by the way! not communicating! #rant over. fuck you. im gonna sleep now knowing you wont see this cuz ya BLOCKED ME.

[milo-is-rambling]

I LOVE YOU PAST MILO -current Milo nauseas head in a sparkling clean toilet I cleaned literally a half hour ago and then got too high while celebrating how clean it looked and feel sick now😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#but yipppee sparkly clean. gonna put a little sticky toilet gel thing on the inside while I’m in here #maybe throw up if another nausea wave comes before I can stand up 😭 #I had too much cereal and a lot of water at once and like. yuck yuck yuck I feel yucky high on the floor yucky I wish I was normal I need to #back off of weed a little to become a real person but also. I’d rather dig my own grave and bury myself in it alive than work a real job #like. fuckkkkkk I want to cry. fuck retail fuck fuck fuck I’m a failure wahhhhhhh I cant even handle beginner jobs #rattling the bars of my cage screaming crying throwing up why am I alive waahhhhhh okay nvm that’s too far it’s not that bad I’m chilling #the toilet is clean! look at the bright side. my therapist when I talked about like my mom maybe wanting to set a goal for working like a #certain amount of doordash hours and my therapists number she came up with was three hours and I was so happy like. she gets it. I am #exhausted just existing and she was like hmm you should work three hours a week. like. at most. #love her so much. it was probably a mistake but also. keeping it in my brain forever #imagine a three hour work week being backed up by my therapist to my mom like haha my therapist said I only HAVE to do three hours #god three hours still feels like a lot rn #like two weeks ago I dropped a salad in a tight packed restaurant and everyone watched me drop it and then walk back to the kitchen and wait #for them to make a salad so I could leave and fucking deliver the food and it was so embarassing and I haven’t done a single order since #then bc I get so anxious that I just exit the app if I don’t get an order like immediately which I haven’t yet so no orders. #I just get high. too high. and admire my cleaning work. it’s nice. I have to do the bathroom floor still. dog hair. dust. brother beard hair #my hair and bleach specks. I need to clean the bathroom fr. I’m excited I’m redecorating the bathroom in my mind and it’s giving me #motivation to clean it and I want to work more dooordash shifts (when I’m not this high) to save moneys to update my room and the bathroom #a little before the summer. just. replace air matress bc it’s low key a trigger now. so that’s fun. so buy a futon or smthing. and update #the bathroom into a thing that I like in my extra Milo type way. while making room for three ppl to share one bathroom. bc. it’s small #small bathroom for sure. but I’ll get it lookin good. add some cute decorations. maybe a candle or two. an incense thing for when I tak bath #slay. slay. building my dream bathroom in my mind and also. my Amazon wishlist land. and Pinterest land. I love making lists of things.

[ilyzuko]

no cuz what's up with tumblr now showing me a random p*rn post like every 3 posts on my dash from random blogs nd tags i dont follow weren't they like all about dep*rnifying this site

#also my flatmate...im sorry but im going insane she honestly grosses me out at this point she cant clean for shit and when i ask her to #clean something properly cause she just goes over stuff randomly with a dirty cloth at best leaving it even worse she tells me im 'making #her paranoid by inspecting all the tiny specks' im gonna kill myself. i was away for a few months and i come back to a flat that was so #fucking gross everything sticky i really har to do shit like take all pieces of cutlery (that she claimed were clean) out of the drawer #cause they were all sticky and had food specs and wash them again #like im mean now sure idccc it's the tags of my blog that no one reads but shes literallydriving me crazyyy so tonight i said if she wants #to start looking for a flat for after the end of this tenancy i dont want to stall cause ill be doing something else she was like is it #because i didnt wipe the stove properly nd i was like i just think we dont work that well #house keeping level have different expectations and it stesses us both out. wanted to keep at that and she goes on in a full breakdown mode #starts yelling at me and stomps off saying i have 'an ego about being a clean person when im not' shdjdj like maam youre 27 years old youre #walking around with dirt under your nails and have never washed a hairbrush that youve had for years it's growing a whole microsystem. 28* #like im really trying to be normal about this but i just cant live with someone who lives like this and thows fits when asked to fix their #behaviour

[h-ypno]

.

#man ocd is not even fun #like ill have panic attacks over my medical obsession #like #I cant clean my room because everything I do all day every day is detract myself #The emergency room folks KNOW ME #But I cant go to a mental hospital for this mental illness because theywont take me unless I try to kill myself #and I cant afford therapy #so my whole life is just #oooo touhou oooo btd6 oooo cookie clickers number go up i forgot about obsessions! #ooo adhd go br #All while I get ACTUALLY sicker but not being able to commit to appointments because shit just keeps coming up #and the fact that my whole life is stalled makes my impending doom feeling be like #Impending doom: Hey OCD! Im so glad were friends so I can trigger you! Its so much fun! #SO IM FUCKED #IM JUST GONNA KEEP COPING UNTIL I KILL MYSELF #BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA THINK #oh i have a plan to kill myself im going to go get help at a hospital :) #it will be #FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IV ASKED FOR HELP AND NOBODY IS HELPING AND THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH #so