#if not for mga being cowards

[matterstobepassedover2]

01-23-2020 / 9:35 PM realizations

It's been one month since we broke up. Sobrang nadevastate talaga ako sa mga pangyayare. Sinabayan pa ng kung ano anong bagay tas andyan din yung mga disasters.  

It was the worst.  

Pero in that span of time, sobrang dami kong narealize. Tungkol sa buhay, tungkol sa atin. Hmmm hindi ko alam kung bakit ko pa diniferrentiate at pinaghiwalay yung dalawang ayun (yung 'buhay' at 'atin'), eh iisa nga lang pala naman yun. Kase isa sa mga narealize ko na, you really are my life. :'(

Mapapa-'how do i live without you' ka nalang talaga.

Shaira simula nung nawala ka, sobrang lala. Kung minsan ang kailangan ng isang buhay para ito ay umayos eh ang magpahinga, yung buhay ko lalong gumulo. Andaming emosyon nun. Sa umaga tulala kakaisip sayo. Sa gabi naman mas malala. Minsan may kasama pang ulan. Gabi gabi hindi ako makatulog kaagad, naabot palagi ng madaling araw. Kagaya ngayon kung kailan ko ito sinusulat.  

Sa mga gabing ito, kahit pagod na pagod aako at gustong gusto ko na matulog, hindi ako makatulog kase hinding hindi rin mawala sa isip ko yung 'tayo'. At dito ko narealize yung mga bagay bagay nga. Pero may mga narerealize naman din ako kapag umaga pero syempre majority ay kapag gabi.  

So ayun nga. Pero Shaira bago ang lahat, gusto kong magsorry sayo. Sa lahat ng nagawa ko, nasabi ko and everything. Sobrang seryosong sorry.  

Isa sa mga narealize ko ay kung gaano ako kagago sa ating relasyon. I guess I was too focused sa ating future na nagiging pabaya ako sa ating present. I wasn't taking care of you that much. Kase nakampante ako na sobra ko namang pinagsisihan ngayon. Seryoso. Sobrang pinagsisihan ko. Inassume ko na tayo na hanggang huli, na hindi ko na kailangang masyadong mag effort sayo at umasa nalang na iintindihin mo yung pagkukulang ko. Shaira I'm so sorry. I became blinded by my own thoughts. I was too busy looking at the bigger picture that I forgot that the small details were the ones that make the picture beautiful. Sa bandang dulo ng ating relationship noon, naging dull ako. Ewan ko kung dahil ba shs na or college na or ano, pero basta narealize ko na I really wasn't the man I used to before. Tama nga pala si Gionnel nung sinabi niyang nagbago ako. Don't get me wrong ah? Mahal na mahal pa rin kita nun. Kung maymagbabago man sa love ko nun para sayo, yun ay mas naging love kita. And narealize kong nagbago ay yung nga yung aking efforts para sayo. Napakaminimal na siguro niya. Siguro kase nga naging kampante ako. And I'm so sorry for that. Sobrang mali ako nun. Losing you made me realize na among all the three times (past present future), the present is the most important. What matters is what happening now and not the future. Kase pano na nga ang future kung wala yung ngayon diba? Ganun narealize ko lang din yun.

Isa ko pang narealize is that I was being unfair sayo. Shaira ang gago gago ko talaga. Lalo na talaga nung padulo natin. I thought speaking up for myself was the best thing I ever did but it was really the opposite. Sobrang sorry kung naglash out nalang sayo ng kung ano ano. Yung mga sinabi ko sayo na toxic ka, di marunong umintindi, na ang unfair mo, narealize ko na that was all me pala. Masyado kong inisip na perpekto akong boyfriend na nasabi ko pa sayo na wala kang makilala lang tao na kagaya ko. Sobrang sama ko nun sobrang nagsisisi ako na nasabi ko sayo yun. And then narealize ko na ako nga pala yung may mataas na pride sating dalawa. Ang taas ng tingin ko sa sarili ko na inisip ko na ikaw yung may diperensya, na ikaw yung mali, na ikaw yung nagbago, na you aren't showing love for me anymore, pero what all you really did naman was love me harder. Kase nung mga oras na yun, I was becoming too hard to love pero you did it anyway. Even more than what I deserved. Kaya yung pagsspeak up ko sayo ng ganun, i realized na hindi pala yun 'communication'. It was me pointing the blame to you cause I am too coward to accept the blame. Sinisi ko sayo ang pagiging malungkot natin nun kahit ako yung dahilan. It was me trying to make a fool of myself by saying things to you that I should be saying to myself. And I'm so sorry for that. Siguro nga kase nagbago ako nun kaya naging ganun ako. Sobrang sorry talaga. When i told you na hindi ka maintindihin, narealize ko na that's when I stopped being maintindihin myself. Pero syempre bulag din ako nun sa sarili kong pagkakamali ko na ayun. . Mataas tingin ko sa sarili ko nun eh. Kaya sobrang pagsisisi talaga ngayon. Kaya nung lumisan ka, dun ko rin narealize kung gaano ba talaga ako kababa. Sobrang sorry talaga :'(

Madami pa akong pagkakamali na narealize. Like giving you lesser time and attention. Tas narealize ko rin na even though you're my number one priority, nagiging busy ako sa ibang bagay. Ang tagal mo nang sinasabi to sakin pero ngayon ko lang din nga narealize na tama ka nga pala. You deserve all the time and attention. Not just because you are my girlfriend and I love you, but also because that's what you been doing to me. Narealize ko na, kahit hindi ka malimit magchat sakin, you were giving your 100%. Ako naman si tanga, there were times na I could've have given you 100% but I didn't. And I'm so sorry for that. Sobra akong nagsisisi. Masyado kong inisip siguro na kung ilang hours at pansin lang yung mga binigay mo, yung lang din yung ibibigay ko sayo. Hindi ko agad naisip na may kanya kanya tayong workloads tas kapag weekdays may byahe periods ka pa. Hindi ko naisip na 100% mo na pala yun. Etong tangang self ko, sa masyadong kaiisip about sa pagiging fair, ako na yun naging unfair. Kase I wasn't giving my 100%. I was counting the hours instead of the efforts. Sobrang sorry talaga.  

Narealize ko rin na of all people, I should focused on you the most. At sobra akong nagfail dito. Nung napahiwalay ka nung shs, nanibago ako. Hindi ako sanay na hindi nagsshower ng love for you daily. So siguro unconsciously, i decided to give some of them to others. At nagkulang naman ako sayo :(. Shaira hanggang ngayon, kumbinsido pa rin akong habang buhay ko yung pagsisishan. Sobrang sorryyyy. I was telling you na ginagawa ko lang sa mga kaibigan ko ang mga ginagawa mo sa mga kaibigan mo, kinumpara si sonny kay rona na narealize ko ngayon na incomparable nga pala talaga. Inisip ko yung iba kasabay mo kase malayo ka. At nung nawala ka, dun ko lang narealize you're the one that matters. At nagkulang ako. Sorry. Sobrang tanga ko rin sa part na inisip ko mahirap ang ldr. Na bahala na kapag ldr. Sinasabi ko palagi sayo na sobrang hina ng loob mo sa ldr. Pero ako pala yung mahina. Kase nagkukulang ako sayo.

Shaira sobrang dami pa talagang realizations. Pero what I realized the most is that I need you.  

Time spent with you valued more than all the times I spent with others all combined together.  

It was the best.  

Sobrang tanga ko para pakawalan ka. I wasn't very fond of the quote 'You'll never know the value of a moment till it becomes a memory' before, pero it all becomes clear now. Nung nawala ka naalala ko lahat. Something I should've done nung tayo pa.  

Binalikan ko lahat. Iniisip ko kung bakit at paano ba ako nahulog sayo. Yung ating mga masasayang moments, yung malulungkot at kung pano natin ito nalutas. Yung ating mga firsts. Yung ating meetings with our family members. Lahat. Tapos habang nagpplay yung mga kwento natin sa utak ko, mas dumadami yung reasons kung bakit nga ba kita mahal. Hanggang sa narealize ko nalang rin na, "Gosh this girl is everything"

I definitely can't imagine my life without you. You are my everything. You are my life. At kahit magkahiwalay tayo ngayon, ikaw lang ang aking naiisip. I'm still into you. You are the perfect girl. You're the one I want. You're the one I need. You understand me more than I understand myself. You're the one I want to marry and have kids with. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You. You. You. It's always been you. And loving you was the best thing I've ever done. And worst thing is not loving you enough.  

Nung nagbreak tayo, kahit umaasa akong babalik ka, parang tinanggap ko na rin na baka nga wala na kase baka yun ang kailangan mo. Lalo na nung Jan 2. Nung tayo lang magkasama ang lungkot lungkot mo. Pero nung dumating yung mga kaibigan mo, abot langit mga ngiti mo. Masakit pero inisip ko nalang nun na baka mas masaya ka kapag wala ako. Pero ngayon, I realized na I shouldn't give up like that. I will do everything I can to get you back. Na hanggang pwede pa, hindi ako susuko sayo. Hanggang sa magkachance ako para pasayahin ulit ka kase yun ang ginawa mo sakin :(  Sorry talaga sa lahat. Sobrang tanga ko noon pero if you ever come back now, I will strive to do things right. At kung may na fail man akong marealize, we'll help each other out.  

Kagaya nga ng sa ever enough na kanta, I'll write you this song to get back at ours. I don't know how, i don't know when and I don't where will I start, but I'll get you back.

-arpd

[amstories]

S04E01: Hanggang Dulo

Pairing: AM x PM from Dear Alyssa (East Anderson High, #1)

Prompt: Fluff Bingo - Love Letter

One of the reasons why Alyssa looks forward to weekends is that she would always receive a handwritten letter from Paolo. He would tell her about his entire week through his letter. This has been their routine since he went to the city for him to study college.

Every time Alyssa gushes over the letter she's reading, Charmaine would comment, "Bakit ba kasi kayo nagtitiyaga sa mga letter na 'yan? May Messenger naman. Kung gusto niyo ng mail, may e-mail naman."

Inirapan lang niya ang kaibigan. "Inggit ka lang e."

Pabirong sinabunutan nito si Alyssa. "Sarap mong saktan, bes!" nanggigigil na sabi nito. Tinawanan lang ni Alyssa ang kaibigan. "E kailan mo ba sasagutin 'yang si Kuya Maki?"

Napaisip si Alyssa. They've been sending letters back and forth for six months now. Sometimes, Alyssa would think how their relationship would be like, especially that he's away for college.

Is she even ready for a serious and mature relationship with a college student? Are they gonna be able to maintain their relationship even if they are apart most of the times?

For this week's letter, Alyssa chose to pour out those questions to Paolo. It's better for her to be honest right now than just simply saying no to him just because she was scared, right?

The next week, Alyssa receives a new letter again from Paolo. This time, kinakabahan siya sa pagbukas. This is the first time she felt her hands shaking and her heart pounding.

* * *

Dear Alyssa,

    Katatapos lang ng finals week namin. Sunod-sunod ang Christmas party na a-attend-an ko ngayon. Meron sa block, sa dalawa kong orgs, at hiwalay pa yung sa aming magkakaibigan. Sobrang nakatulong nga pala yung mga suggestion mong ireregalo ko para sa kanila. Nakabili na ako kanina pa. Ibabalot ko na lang mamaya pagkatapos kong magsulat nito.

    Miss na miss na kita, Alyssa. Excited na akong umuwi next week. Nakabili na rin ako ng regalo ko para sa 'yo rito. Sana magustuhan mo. Ikaw kasi yung naalala ko nung nakita ko 'yon sa mall habang bumibili ng mga regalo para sa Monito/Monita.

    Kakabasa ko lang nung letter mo kanina. Masaya akong seryoso mong pinag-iisipan ang relasyon natin kahit na sabihin ng iba na masyado pa tayong bata para pumasok sa isang relasyon. I'd be a fool and a liar if I tell you that I'm not scared as well. But, Alyssa, I've been a coward for the longest time already and I don't want to be that person ever again.

    Ayos lang kung matagal pa kita kailangan ligawan. Walang kaso sa akin 'yon basta hihintayin kita hangga't handa ka na. Kahit na magkalayo tayo, handa akong ipaglaban ang relasyon natin kahit ano mang mangyari.

    Ipaglalaban kita hanggang dulo.

Nagmamahal, Paolo

#amstories #ficlets #S04E01 #dear alyssa #ampm

[skamremakesfromhell]

god i’m so nervous going into the 2nd half of this season 👀👀

#druck #they’ve been doing great but theres a lot i just #cant #i stuff i really want to see addressed in druck!! #one of the biggies being acknowledge mia’s mga you cowards #mine

[jonamaecanillo]

[ March 16, 2021 ]

Hi. Basically, I tried writing short stories again. I want to share it here because I've come to realize that I always am babbling here. I am not a professional in the field and I am still learning, so please don't judge. Not to brag, I only finished this for like an hour and for sure there will be lots of grammatical errors and I'm too lazy to correct those. Bare with me and correct me if you feel like. These aren't based on my experiences, and just purely imaginations. So here it is.

JUST ONE MISTAKE

We were both 17 years old when we engaged ourselves in sexual intercourse, fine teenagers trying to feed the curiosity. After weeks of begging to God na sana hindi, na sana wag ngayon at na sana hindi nalang namin ginawa, the result came. I am bearing a child.

I couldn't called it a blessing because I wasn't happy. I can't named how I felt, but the only thing I knew, I don't want this. Not this early. I still have dreams, we still have dreams.

The feared of being criticized by people, my family, made me want to aborted the fetus. He planned to meet my parents and talk about this shit, but I didn't agreed.

I am the breadwinner and disappointing my family would be the least I can do. We both talked things out on how to sort of fixed the situation and I planned to live away from my family without their notice.

We rented a small bed space for the three of us and lived normally like we've never abandoned our families. Living just the three of us wasn't easy. We were struggling daily and we always argued na sana we admitted our crises to our parents nalang.

I didn't proceed to college because I don't know where to obtain tuition and we were still young back then to find jobs that demand better salary. Gladly, he found a work, perfectly enough to sustained our daily needs. I also tried selling clothes through online.

Four years later, we were both 21, we've passed the examination of becoming a scholar. We were doing excellent in our academics and both of us got the dean's lister titled. Most of the time we entrusted our closest neighbor to take attention to our baby while we both are attending classes. Sometimes, one of us will take care of the kid when there's no classes and when we have time.

Studying while being a mother and a wife was never easy. I cried alot and blame God for the things I've experienced. Sometimes I thought of hanging myself but I've realized I am being selfish. I am being a coward for leaving my family again when I can't deal everything inside me anymore.

One night, I've arrived at home late night from school, I've seen my precious persons hugging each other. I almost cried because I didn't thought that I am still grateful for having these two. I went to them and felt the warmth of home.

Four years passed, we graduated college. Finally. I was not ashamed of studying despite my age. For my family, I can do anything. My best friends went to our graduation ceremony and they insisted to assist my baby while we are in stage.

I reactivated my social media before the graduation and I told them everything that happened to us few years back. They immediately went to see me and we were crying together. Mga abnormal. They even promised to be the sponsors of my baby's christening and I couldn't argued because they felt bad as they've said for not knowing what happened to me. Days after the graduation ceremony, the christening happened.

After years of being delayed, now I've reached my one and only desire. I was applying for a job and got directly accepted in my dream career and so as my husband.

Couple of years passed, we are now in better state. Both of us got stable work and we can now sustained our daily needs more than enough.

One sunny day, we planned to have family church date and have dinner. While we were looking for a good restaurant, a boy came to us and hugged me without hesitancy. At first I was confused and trying to pulled him away from me but as soon as he called me ate, I melt and I found myself hugging him back. Oh my god, my bunso!

A soft patted in my back made me back to my state and I've realized that I am sobbing. My eyes wandered and looking for someone's presence.

A shouted from a familiar boy saying "why did you leave us, ate?!" while tears dripping in his handsome face made me cried harder. Oh my god, they grew so fast!

He went to us and I embraced them tightly. They used to be so little before and now they stand taller than me! I actually missed our joke-karate and boxing bondings. Hays, time flies so fast.

My son went to us and hugged my back like indirectly saying that I am his only. How cute. My husband chuckled and my two siblings went to hugged him. Tss.

I was going to asked them who are they with but one of them talked before I could uttered.

"Parents" he said.

With just one word, fear wrapped around me.

My husband squeeze my hand telling me that it'll be okay. I just smiled and I asked my brothers where.

They both happened to saw me while they are going back to the resto from the restroom. They even fight in a kidding manner because one of them didn't believed that it was really me and hesitant to approached a stranger.

I was breathing heavily outside the resto because after 10 damn years, I can finally see my parents.

I can see my parents through the glass wall and they literally waiting for me and I just found out that my brothers were already there with my son.

I am crying while walking towards them and immediately hid myself inside my father's arms. My father keep saying I miss you and I love you, and it breaks my heart. My mom hugged my back and slightly squeeze me just like the old times.

I was keep on saying sorry and they just hushed me to keep me calmed. While I am trying to get a grip, I am slowly feeling uneasy. Like oh my god, I don't have the courage to face them again after what I did!

My husband keep squeezing my hand while I am trying to tell everything what exactly happened to us. I was kind of relieved to finally outbursted and fixed everything we've left behind.

Our journey was not simple. We were lost and somehow managed to continuously connect from the lost lane. I was a coward and shifted to being a brave one because of my experiences. From all the sleepless nights, breakouts, depression and anxiety to this unending happiness.

xoxo,, ❤

[babiedeku]

i’m furious at how the philippine government is ran by and composed of cowards and mga hinayupak na tuta who fear the filipino people’s, the very people that they swore an oath to protect, dissent and activism. 

so much that they even had half the mind to go and prioritize the passing the bill instead of prioritizing the health care, the transportation of the working class, the livelihood of the jeepney drivers, and the overall lives of the filipino people.

what’s terror bill + additional links

here are our constitutional rights. 

donations for the jeepney drivers and their families

this isn’t much but it’s a start.

the thought of being red tagged for speaking up and taking a stand for what’s right is scary, i know, but what’s scarier is to keep silent and not fight for our very own rights.

#oust duterte mga hatdog #mga duwag nasa gobyerno natin #huwag tayo gumaya sa kanila #speak up and stand up for our rights

[sing-it-out-anonymous]

Open Letter 19

Hi there! How are you during these times of pandemic? Ako, i'm coping up with the current situation. Mas daghan man jud times na wala koy ka storya, and my ideas somehow are shutting off in my head. Scroll-scroll lang permi sa fb and daghan jud kog mga disagreement sa mga post, lami pud mu-react, dili man ko ani dati ahaha so i call it side-effect of the isolation.

Mutuo na ko anang notion nga the more na maka get along ka, hinay-hinay pud na mugawas imong tinuod na color. like me, at first sa tumblr newbie pa ulaw-ulaw kuno kay murag tanga ga sulat og mga butang na nahitabo around me, pero kadugayan og sigeg anonymously ranting about anything or stating things here, it really made me comfortable and i can say nga naa nako sa comfort zone nga ibulgar nako sa akong mga readers kung kinsa sad ko, by way of my writings. So bare with me, it’s not like I’m a coward nga I didn’t state my name kung kinsa ko. But this brings me comfort, I can shoutout what I want to state.

So here it is..

First of all, I’m a political science graduate, and I’m proud of it. I didn’t end up working on any non government organizations neither working sa mga government offices. Nag pol sci ko, dili tungod kay gusto ko mahimong governor, senator, mayor, kagawad or unsa pang klaseng rank sa government offices. Tong highschool ko, I really don’t know what I’m going to do after, and when people saw my character, ni-ana sila na nice daw kung maglawyer ko, and then sympre pag lawyer, pol sci jud na ilang prep course. So nag pol sci ko, siguro slight sila ang reason, pero before ko nagpa enroll, I really think this is my destiny. And I never regretted it. Every single day of learning were like “ aha moment” for me. My intellectuality widens, na akong perspective sa kalibutan na maximize. I love learning pol sci, I love learning theories, historical facts atbp. That’s why even nga I didn’t end up sa mga pang pol sci nga trabaho jud, I didn’t regret my choice. And if mubalik ko sa akong past, kani gihapon ang course na gusto na ko e take. I’m a die hard fan of this course. I’m a die hard fan of my teachers, nga maskin karon gina follow nako sila sa fb to get good insights. Kani akong topic run, cause I was scrolling yesterday late at night and I saw someone endorsing Political Science sa mga graduates sa K-12, and I didn’t think she did a good job in endorsing the course. The way I read it, mura bag wala jud niya na-tagamtaman ang gina offer sa course. So sad. Pol Sci iyang prep course sa college, pero murag dili sia graduate of pol sci. What a shame.

Kani tanan questions diri, mao ni ang questions na gipang tubag niya, and I want to put justice sa Pol Sci nga course, dili ni english pero I’ll try my best na e- endorse ni sa uban.. so here it is

Question 1: “Why Did I Choose Political Science”

Yun nga, I told you the history why naka take og Pol Sci. Basically, you will never know the reason man jud, and most of the influences ngano ko nagtake ani is based on my circles. Pero like what I’ve said, I never regretted to be here.

Sa ako nga nahuman nako ni na course, I can say to you that this is a good preparatory course for law school because of its discipline. Tinuod nga mas daghan subjects sa law school na natake up sa Accountancy na course, og mas hasa sila magbasa og law subjects kay yun nga, mao na na ilang training sigeg basa og law like oblicon and the same, ilaha man jud na. naa silay overview, mao mas hasa sila. While ang Pol Sci, 2-3 subjects lang ata ang naa sa Law School: Phil Con, Int’l Law, so sa kana na butang kulelat jud ang pol sci because dili kana ang pol sci about. Parehas sa akong giingon, ang disiplina sa political science ang reason ngano ideal sia pang preparatory course. We can understand the public policy behind every law, because every law is not just a “law” on its own, but the heart of every law is to safeguard and protect the welfare of the people and only the discipline of political science will help you understand the depth of safeguarding the people, mao mana ang law all about diba? Law school should not be a money making industry and to prevent that of becoming one, I really suggest na magtake up kag pol sci.  being a lawyer in the making, should give you a sense of responsibility and accountability. And ang pol sci jud ang best na prep course for that.

I’m currently working as a staff sa isa ka business and pol sci helped to examine and analyze mga puzzles diri sa office. Coz business is not just about business, its about the people also, the employees, the employer and their relationship. Discipline is really important. Kung ni graduate kag pol sci without its discipline then maypag wala ka nag pol sci dhai.  

 Question 2: “What is my current job and how long did it take to find a job?”

I’m a licensed real estate broker, currently I am working as non-exclusive broker and as regular staff in a real estate company. Before I graduated College, nag take kog 120 hrs nga course para maka take og board exam sa real estate broker, which means mon to fri school, and Saturday-Sunday lecture time for REB. For my case, dili siya lisud mangita og job since kaila na ko ang tag iya sa company. But as far as I know sa akong mga friends, naay uban nga naka trabaho dayun, og naay uban nga dugay nakakita og trabaho. Mas daghan kog classmate nga nag proceed og law or nag study og balik sa different course-naay uban nag teacher, nag pilot and etc, naa say uban nga nahimo governor, government worker and same. Actually kung imong pangutana, dali ba makakita og trabaho, well dhai depende na siya sa imong attitude mangita og trabaho. Dili na siya sa imong kurso. Kung disidido jud ka maningkamot makakita jud dayun ka kay makita mana sa imong “exterior”- sa imong aura. kung tamadun jud ka, wala juy para sa imo. Dili man gud pattern ang kinabuhi nga 1+1=2, in reality kelangan jud ikaw mismo naa kay pananaw sa kalibutan para makasugakod.

Question 3: “Am I using what I learned in college in my current job and/or further studies?”

Of course, parehas sa akong giingon sa Question 1, gina-apply na ko ang discipline sa akong course. Imposible kaayo nga dili ni ma-apply nga tanan tao is a political animal and social being. Tanan tao kay naay influence-either gamay or dako og tanan tao naay measurement sa ilang power. Og dili lang kana, personally kay makahalobilo man sad kog mga clients, ma-apply na ko na kelangan sad nako e- safeguard ilang welfare as buyers and also the employer. Dili man gud all the time imong answer sa tanan problema kay 1+1=2. Naay ubang problema na kelangan e set aside nimo ang answer, sometimes you need to compromise, og ang discipline sa pol sci ang nakatabang ana sa ako-on how to handle spaces of error sa akong circle and to give teeth on the regulations. Teeth is really important, without it, there is no authority. Kana bang social authority, dili enough imong charisma ana og coercive kaayo ka maskin pag ikaw ang tag-iya sa company. Kelangan na ma-balance nimo na para naay loyalty imong tao sa imo.

Question 4: How did Political Science improve my views towards the government, society, and life in general?

Pol Sci really impacted my world views; nga tanan diay is an interconnected beings, especially nga naa ta sa republican state-nga ang tao naa siay freedom of speech whether unsa iyang ika-ingon sa gobyerno. Our right of suffrage entitles us to demand sa atong governement. Second, what pol sci taught me is to really see the facts, kung naa bay historical context behind every dispute, naa bay cultural racism nga nahitabo. Dili pwede sa personal views lang nagadagan tanan, hence, e-base nimo ang imong analyses sa facts and the probabilities. Being a Pol Sci graduate does not entitle me to be opinionated, rather, to see both side of every dispute, and analyses without prejudice. It trained me to detach my self from my point of view. Third,  “understanding” is an understatement kay para sa ako mao na ang main theme sa Pol Sci, if you can’t understand a belief that is contrary to ones beliefs, naa kay kulang sa imong learnings. Dili ka complete kung ang rebuttal nimo is imo lang sang belief. Kung naa jud kay pinaglalaban nga thought, make sure nga gitan-aw nimo ang both sides. Pol Sci in general is about helping us to cooperate sa matag-usa. It should give us an avenue to build bridges. Mao mas lisud-lisud kung mutrabaho kag gobyerno tapos imong disiplina kay naa kay racial discrimination. Importante jud nga ang connection sa gobyerno, society og sa imong individual self kay naay harmony og dapat mao na sia ang goal. Because our reality is not lemons, it’s not simple as ABCDs. Pol Sci is a training ground for interconnectivity. Kung makita nimo ang kalibutan wala sia naga return kung asa sia nag-begin, rather every progress is a process of development either by peace or destruction. And ang discipline sa Pol Sci is to expand the evolution of peace with nations, welfare sa mga tao, og naay collective trust ang tao sa gobyerno, vice versa. Mao na ang realidad jud.

For me pud noh as closing remarks sa Question 4, shut up ka kung colurom ka og wa ka gabayad og tax. haha.

Question 5: What is my advise to people planning to take up Political Science?

Political Science is ideal also for business management, all in one na jud ni nga course. For people na gusto mutrabaho og gobyerno sa maskin unsang aspect, mas nice jud guys na mag Pol Sci mo para naa moy conscience kung mag-corrupt mog kwarta sa bayan.

Og sa general public, love it with all your heart and you will not regret the universe of political science. Ayaw ng pinugos sayang kwarta- may nalang ng kwarta mabalik pa sa imo, pero ang oras sa jud dili na mabalik.

-          End   -

I hope na natagaan na kog justice akong course. Wala jud ko nag sugar coat guys. This is plainly based on my personal experience. I hope nga naingganyo ta mo to have a harmonious living thru learning pol sci. :D

Always,

A

#davao city #DavaoCity #beyond politics #course #college days #open letter #bisaya #bisdak

[someone-noone-knows]

12, 24, 59

12. Who do you look up to?

The person I look up to is my mom, I'm amazed how she cares about us and her sacrifices in order to give us our simple life afar from being perfect but a happy life. 😊

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

Yes I have. Hindi ko lang siya siguro crush, mahal ko na ata siya eh😅. One year and up na yata siyang laman ng puso ko until now, and I'm trying to move on (move on amp HAHAHAHA kahit wala namang kami😅). Hindi ko alam bakit ko siya nagustuhan, actually hindi ko siya type on the first place and I think hardly about the things I liked and dislike about her. Siguro ganun nga talaga kapag nagmamahal ka you tend to ignore their flaws kasi even I think of her flaws to question why I like her, my heart always cancel it and leave the positive traits. In the end may gusto siyang iba and he rejected me when I confessed to her (immature kasi ako at coward 🙄 )

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

Minimalism 😅 dahil simplicity is beauty

To be honest di ko alam isasagot ko dito so I research na kaunti kay pareng google, kahit confused pa rin ako sa mga kinds I think na-gets ko naman yung point nung question.

Maraming salamat @hannahbananuuh for the questions😊 Have a nice day ahead!

[rksuas]

It’s the morning after the information came out. You either saw it yourself or someone else showed it to you—it’s been all over the internet now. Once you arrive for your regular schedule, a staff member is waiting for you outside. He rushes you in and helps you dodge the questions thrown at you by the few paparazzi who had been waiting for any announcements. 

You’re automatically taken upstairs to where only the offices are found. You go inside as soon as you arrive. It’s a small meeting room. Sitting inside is your CEO, Baek Jiyoung, and two men. “Please, take a seat,” Jiyoung says. Once you do so, she stops tapping her finger against the table and shifts on her seat.

“You’ve probably already seen the news. If not, the word is out that you’re dating.” She motions towards one of the men beside her who then slides a cellphone in your direction. The screen shows the original post showing the given information. “We reviewed the proof, and it’s even more than they usually give. It’s usually something ridiculous, or only a few pictures. This is a whole case, Sua.” Jiyoung shakes her head. Her tone isn’t angry but disappointed. “You probably know him, here,” she motions now to the other man between you who gives you a nod. “He’s one of the dance coaches at Sphere, and he has some things to say.”

The coach swallows and pushes his chair closer to the table. “After spending enough time with the trainees, you start noticing when someone’s into each other. Whenever you pass by each other… it’s obvious.” Jiyoung continues from her seat at the end of the table. “Thank you. Getting attracted to someone is easy, right? But to date, in your situation, is both brave and incredibly stupid. Haven’t you worked hard to make your way here? Don’t you think about your future?” Before she can lose herself, Jiyoung stops for a moment and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

“First, you’re going on an SNS ban. Don’t post anything for a month, especially not about this. Secondly, you won’t be removed from my company– not yet, anyway. I don’t know what it is like in TRC, but I want to give you a second chance. Don’t leave this room hoping for a third chance, as you won’t get one. We’ll expect more from you. The coaches won’t leave your side, and they’ll make sure that your time spent here is spent training, and not daydreaming about our artists.”

“Lastly, you’ll break up.”

If you’d like to fight about it, she raises a hand to let her proceed. “He’ll be arriving soon, and I’ll tell him to do the same with you. We’ll tell the press it was all a lie, and we’ll move on, but your relationship ends here. This could have been the end of both yours and his career, Sua.” There’s a small pause. “I’m disappointed in you.”

The air is tense in the room, and no one else seems to want to say a thing.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

baek jiyoung sounds more like a disappointed mother than an angry boss, and for that reason, sua accepts the lecture.  the last thing on her mind was ever disappointing her  -  there’s a lot of things that she could say, and there’s a lot of things she’s thinking.  things along the lines of, what a fucking load of shit and i didn’t realize i was working for a bunch of cowards.  but baek jiyoung is a disappointed mother, and sua hasn’t had a mother in a very long time.  how else can she reply but accept the scolding like a child shamed?

she swallows her words with a blank expression  -  because ever since the news came out, sua hasn’t quite been herself.  (  it’s almost like watching a movie play a scene; like sua is someone else.  

but then the bomb drops, and it’s called break up.  )

that’s when sua wakes up.

by the time that baek jiyoung finishes speaking and allows her to, it seems like she’s already decided how this is going to go.  sua isn’t going to take it lying down.  she hears the words do you have anything to say for yourself and in between the child shamed and the angry rebellion, she settles on something in between.  her voice is level when she speaks up, for the first time since she stepped into the office.

she let the ceo lecture her.  she let her nervous dance coach say his anxious piece, but sua is different.  she won’t lecture and she’s not nervous.  she’s not scared of this at all.  “ i do, actually.” i have a lot to say.  sua wonders if it’s clear that they’re going to be here for awhile, because this isn’t going to be an easy conversation.  this isn’t going to be a sob story and i’m so sorry please keep me sajangnim, either.  it’s going to be the truth, and it’s going to be what baek jiyoung needs to hear.

after all, a disappointed mother deserves that much.

“ i want to start off by saying that i’m not someone who wears my heart on my sleeve.  i think that was very clear in the mgas, when people said i wasn’t funny  -  that i wasn’t someone who should be on my team, because i couldn’t make people laugh.  that means i’m not like hyun.  it’s hard for him to hide his emotions on his face.  it’s a lot different for me.” here, she takes a second to throw a glance at her nervous coach, sighs a little, and continues.  “ hyun and i actually broke up once, before i was even signed to trc.  that’s the reason i was actually signed in the first place, so that means i started off my career as a trainee single.”

“ we wanted to try again regardless.  because we love each other, and that’s what people who love each other do.” she pauses, and keeps her eyes locked with baek jiyoung’s.  “ by now, we’ve dated for two years, which means that he broke his contract for me.  of course i would do the same for him.  but because i’m not someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and he is, it was hard at first.  i had to keep reminding him to be more subtle  -  because i haven’t had a problem being subtle.  that’s not a problem for me.”  sua tosses her hair back out of her eyes before she continues, “ i fully suspected that you brought me to sphere because you knew about us, sajangnim.  but the months went by and i never heard a thing from you, or from my coaches saying otherwise.  i’m not sure if you were turning a blind eye to it, or if you actually didn’t know.  but if you didn’t, that means we’ve gotten a lot better at hiding.  it’s true too, if the evidence they provided is anything to go by.”

sua sucks in a breath through her teeth, but her expression is carefully neutral as she speaks.  “ i’m not sure if you think i have the right to negotiate with you, but i do want to point some things out and try.”  she relaxes in her chair, fingers knitting together as she works on how to word the things that she wants to  -  without rudeness, without bitterness.  it’s not as difficult as she thinks it would be.  “ you’ve called this my dream, and i suppose you can say that.  but i wouldn’t be standing here today as a person striving to be an idol without hyun.  in the end, he’s the one that pushes me to be better, and to do better  -  in the end, somewhere along the line, he became a dream, too  -  ever since i met him for the first time when i was fourteen.  it’s a story that he doesn’t remember, but i do because he made that much of an impact on me then, and he still pushes me to do better now.  he’s a dream that i intend to keep.”

“ you said it yourself, sajangnim, but i’ll say it in my own words: i’ve worked my ass off to get here.  clearly you’ve seen it, or else you wouldn’t have said it  -  so why, because of this, am i being accused of daydreaming instead of working? i’ve always came to training on time, every day  -  even on days when i didn’t want to.  even on days especially at trc where i was questioning whether or not i wanted to be in this industry, because i really just don’t like how dirty it can be.  but i’ve persevered anyway, and i’ve worked hard for it.”  here, she pulls her gaze away from the ceo to look at her coach, as if she’s speaking to him:  “ i’ve never heard complaints from the coaches.  not once.”  she pauses, biting the inside of her cheek.  it’s something like betrayal, or tastes like it when she tastes blood on her tongue.

“ if i’ve not been up to your standards, this isn’t all on me.  no one ever told me i wasn’t doing my best because i know i’ve been doing my best, and more.  if i heard a critique, i would have changed it because i’m not the kind of person to swallow it lazily.  i’m someone who works to undo that perception.”  sua sighs, swallows  -  this is the first time she’s talked so much at once in such a long time, but it’s for something important.  it’s for something worth fighting for.  “ i know that i’m lacking, especially in vocals.  but it’s not to the point that any critique i’ve gotten has been because of daydreaming, or laziness.  it’s been because of technique which i’ve still been working to learn.”

“ in sphere, you’ve given us the freedom of time in our schedules; you’ve given us freedom when it comes to our creative interests.  but when it comes to how we choose to use that time, when it comes to the freedom of being happy  -  suddenly it’s as if the company thinks we don’t know how to act.  the industry itself expects us to be robotic creatures, but we’re human.  and i think, of all the companies, sphere has the ability to recognize humanity more than anyone else.  that’s what an industry leader is meant to be.”  sua pauses, pursing her lips as she thinks.  “ sometimes, being a leader means taking risks.  having faith in your artists might be hard, but you won’t ever know unless you let them prove themselves.  as a company, sphere might have happier artists, and more willing artists, if you let them choose happiness.  more people would be willing to work for you.”

“ i know i would.  if you think that i’ll be working harder after a breakup that you’ve forced on me, you’re mistaken.  energy depletes quicker when you’re sad, you have less drive to do anything than you would were you happier, or at the very least, content.  i understand that this is a disappointment to you, sajangnim.”  sua pauses, and a glimmer of apology does cross her features, but it’s back to being carefully neutral in but a moment.  “ but people won’t get anywhere if they’re crushed.”

“ i want to be someone in this industry who tells people to stand up for what they believe in, and that it’s okay to do so.  i think that starts here.  and i want to continue being this person in sphere; i want to be someone people look up to.  i don’t want to bow my head and be afraid  -  i’ve faced a lot of things far more scary than someone telling the world that i love someone else.  it doesn’t scare me, and i want to show you that it shouldn’t scare you either.  i want to change this world.”  there’s no begging in her voice, nothing to say that sua is pleading with her ceo.  instead, she’s simply trying to convey her thoughts  -  as an employee, and hopefully, as an equal.  “ so i’m asking you to let me prove myself.  to let hyun prove himself, and let us prove to you together that we can have two dreams instead of just one.”

sua licks her bottom lip, knowing that this is coming close to the end  -  the worst that baek jiyoung could do is say no, right? but if that’s the case, then sua’s not really sure this is the place she wants to be  -  she’s not sure if anywhere is right for her, anymore, if someone won’t let her play on an even playing field.  “ i don’t mind if you take my sns away.  you can work me until i drop, or until i break.  whatever you see fit, i will prove to you that i am an adult, and can handle two dreams.  i don’t expect you to let me go public with hyun.  i don’t care if it’s in secret, but i won’t be breaking up with him.”  she pauses.  “ it’s his choice if he wants to do so.  but i can’t, and i won’t do that to him again.  but if you give me a chance  -  ”  here, she looks determined, fiery  -  more like herself.  “ whatever it is you expect from me, i’ll achieve it and more.  because i want to be someone who stands up for what they believe in, in this industry and out of it.  and if i don’t, i won’t be me anymore so i  -  .. hope you understand.”

#sphereent #rkhyun #sua rly said yeah let's not to baek jiyoung KDFJSL #sua vc: i'm on my expert leadership shit #submission #tw: disassociation

[peskytrolls]

PLS LANG MGA BES

DM ME U COWARDS

jkjk yall are lovely

[siyeonrk]

while you’re down.

@rkevent

A beautiful woman in her early 30s waltzes towards you with a cordial smile. It’s from the pocket of her white lab coat that she takes a business card from as she stops in front of you. “Hello! I hope you got to enjoy the event.” Despite the stethoscope hanging on her neck, it’s clear it’s only part of her improvised costume. “I work for KT Entertainment and I think you could bring something interesting to the company.” This time, she hands the card to you and gives you a second to check the informations. “Call us if you’d like to schedule an audition.” She nods and walks away. 

( tw !! self-deprecation )

she hadn’t noticed the woman until she was at her side, a business card between two fingers and a too polite smile stretching thin lips. siyeon’s too busy messing with the sleeve of her costume, wondering how long it can possibly take lee jeno to use the bathroom. a second feels like a minute, a minute like an hour, when all she wants to do is curl into his body heat and drag him to each and every stall to make their time together last as long as possible. it’s easy to get lost in her thoughts when there’s a million and one things to worry about ( does he actually like her costume or was he just being nice? does he really want to be here with her? why is she so much of a coward? ), so a strange woman watching her is little concern to her. perhaps it is any day, any time. siyeon tries not to bother herself with others’ problems — strangers, at least.

“uh,” she’s a little stunned. there’s so many words on the tip of her tongue but for the sake of peace, she just smiles, an awkward rounding of her cheeks and flash of her teeth. it doesn’t last long, fades away when she bows in greeting. “thanks.” she takes it, even if she doesn’t really intend to look at it. she must’ve left a really strong impression on kt during her short time on the mgas, for them to completely forget about her participation already and offer her the chance to audition. she’s not sure what feels worse; thinking that they’d wiped any memory of her from their records, or that she’d essentially been scouted for being pretty — which is, of course, true, but not exactly the most humbling thing. she’s always been pretty, but she’s rarely been talented, never smart. 

she dips her head once more, barely gets to say a word in reply before the woman is leaving again, likely to hand out more cards to unsuspecting people just trying to have a good time. maybe to others it’ll make their night, but for siyeon, it fills every part of her possible with guilt. she shouldn’t even have gone on the mgas, let alone try for this. her parents had brought her back from england to look after her grandmother, not to go frolicking off in an entertainment company from dawn til dusk and leave the elderly woman alone all day. if something happened to her whilst she was potentially wasting her youth away ( because who knows if she’d ever debut? especially if all she’ll ever be is a pretty face ), she’d never forgive herself. 

she’s lucky she spots jeno coming back towards her before he can get close enough to see. she’d been planning to throw it in the bin before he came back, but instead, she quickly stuffs it and her phone in her bag and offers him a big, bright smile. it’s fine. she’s here to have a good time with him, not to worry about the what ifs and her parent problems. 

it’s far from her mind for the next three weeks until her grandmother finds the card on her desk whilst looking for god knows what. ( siyeon’s not so concerned about the invasion of her privacy and more about when she’s going to escape the guilt overwhelming her from every angle. she can’t go out because it’s her duty to be here to care for her grandmother. she can’t stay in because she’s smothering the woman. she can’t make her own decisions, her own mistakes. she’s expected to do everything at once and when her grandmother closes the door behind her, words hanging in the air, she cries. )

SENDING SNS → SPIDER-JEN 🕸️

( ✉️ ) hey, so I didn’t tell you but when I was waiting for you to come back from the bathroom at that halloween thing we went to, someone gave me a card from kt ent and told me to call and schedule an audition. ( ✉️ ) I... didn’t do it, as you can probably tell, because I can’t, you know? I have to take care of my grandma... ( ✉️ ) so I just kinda forgot about it, life goes on, you know? but  ( ✉️ ) my grandma found the card earlier because I was stupid as always and didn’t throw it out, I just threw it on my desk and it got covered up... ( ✉️ ) so she just lectured me about making mistakes and wasting my youth and I could really just do with a hug right now?  ( ✉️ ) I’m sneaking out to the convenience store by yours, so if you want to join me, you’re welcome to ( ✉️ ) either way, sorry I sent you so many texts haha ( ✉️ ) sike, I’m not sorry and we both know it...! ( ✉️ ) see you soon? maybe? love you x

“you’ve not only disappointed yourself, but me, too.” she sucks in a deep breath as she quietly tiptoes out the front door. 

#rkevent #* solo! #submission #( wc; 823 ) #tw: self deprecation #rkjeno

[ryujinrk]

-.✦･｡ﾟMGA season 5: episode 6, outfit (lyrics + line distribution)           performing nct 127 “whiplash” with @rkyeji, @rkmason, @rkchaeryeong, @rkkhg

Ryujin wasn’t at all surprised when she realised that the so called Golden Trio was deemed as one of the lower ranked performances, the trio was even last to be called out. The news came somewhat as expected but was just as defeating nonetheless, and honestly it made her angry when she know that two full days went to an unnecessary spectacle of a drama scene when it should have been spent on practices. At this point there is no way of knowing whether the two days would have mattered but one thing is for certain, the hiccup was unneeded and certainly avoidable if SUWOONG had only just came to her instead of speculating. 

She gets it though, that’s not the case, when the source of the rumors was none other than a vicious snake who caused the end of the entire group Amarante. It’s just so annoying, and so incredibly unfair, when one isn’t allowed to fend for and explain themselves. Although they had managed to make amends and provided with a solid performance that they all had faith in, she can’t help but wonder whether the amazingly poor start of their week had something to do with this particular outcome. It was like a slap in the face really, she thought that after what they had been through and what they had pulled off, it had been a great stage in the end.

Apparently it wasn’t, and she was sad when they announced that JAEMIN had to leave. If the outcome had been different then in the end he could have joined them into the next week, but obviously with a new group, just like them. She felt so guilty knowing that, so inncredibly guilty, especially since it was him. The one person who believed in her during dark times, and he was ultimately the one and only reason why Ryujin managed to get to the bottom of the issues that she didn’t know she had with SUWOONG. It wasn’t fair that he had to go home but in the end, she is fully aware that talent shows like the MGAs are never fair. Ever.

-.✦･｡ﾟ

It feels like Ryujin wears weights on her shoulders when she meet the new week, even if there certainly are things to be excited about. For one, she is finally grouped with YEJI, who’s one of her best friends for some years already. It was never a goal of hers to step on stage with friends, not anyone but OLIVIA anyway, but she notice that she is eager to perform with the elder. Perhaps it’s because they have danced together multiple times before that she didn’t necessarily crave this scenario before, but now that the opportunity is here she can’t wait to actually perform with the other dancer. Secondly, she was picked to join the TRC group.

Anyone who knows her knows that she is in heaven right now as BigStar, Feeldog and TRC are the main reason that she wanted to step onto a stage in the first place. So to be trained by some of the idols and trainees of the very company she want to sign with, it’s a dream come true just that alone and she can’t even begin to express how much it means to her. She listen to their advices carefully, and want to prove to them that she deserves to be placed in a group with a concept fitting TRC. If she can say so herself, Ryujin does believe that she can fit their image with the skillsets that she provides. She is sure of it, she has to be.

The week starts off well, in spite of the guilt and vary steps that she thread. Since SUWOONG has been telling people false truths she wonder just how many he has told, and whether those have realised that it was all a misunderstanding, whether they believed that it was all simply a misunderstanding. Well... she wouldn’t necessarily call it so herself, because in her eyes it was straight up lies told by a coward who needed someone to blame. It’s what she has agreed to however, misunderstandings, because she couldn’t be bothered with making a scene out of something so small like that. She just wanted to be over with it.

MINHO invited them out on dinner so that the group could get to know each other better, and HYUNGGU suggested that they had an introductional game to break the ice.  She appreciate that as it allowed her to relax sooner, to feel more comfortable around the current members of her group since ultimately she was still worried that someone believed the lies about her. That she was the cause of Amarante’s cancellation, when she was so close to debuting. In her eyes that doesn’t make sense but then again, it doesn’t make sense that Jimin would jeopardize such an opportunity either and in the end, that was precisely what she did.

She smiled when HYUNGGU chatted with her during the introduction where he explained that DOYEON is someone that he used to dance with back in the days, that he used to be her sunbae and that now it’s the other way around. “Really? That must be so weird,” she chuckles under her breath and wonder how that must feel like, “but it must also be nice to have a familiar face regardless. I know I’m glad to have YEJI unnie by my side, it makes me feel more at ease.” As the second youngest members of the group she feels a bit small, especially since she is grouped with MINHO, who is also an ex-idol. He isn’t at all how she expected him to be however, pleasantly surprised with how caring and thoughtful he is.

The coaches suggested some songs, and the group suggested some. When they landed on the choice of NCT 127′s Whiplash she truly understood CHAERYEONG’s worry, since the younger had already performed the group’s songs twice already. But with the others she assured her that the feeling would be completely different, that they will not perform exactly what is expected. As they make their own choreography, as well as write their own raps, it will be something new entirely, just with the original song in the background. The song fits their image well, and it provides a proper distribution of lines along with the fact that they all get to show what they do best, which is dancing. Five dancers in one group, trying to fit TRC’s image.

It was difficult, should she be honest, since TRC isn’t dance focused whatsoever, but they all managed well. YEJI and HYUNGGU was assigned to choreograph the new dance, with MINHO and Ryujin’s inputs. The latter two writing their own raps, and helping CHAERYEONG with hers. Ultimately, it would end up with a original take on the song with some small exceptions like the bridges. With the wound from last week still fresh Ryujin felt guilty for ending up in the infirmary and thus, worked even harder this week than previously. Now, she isn’t known to take breaks but she certainly worried YEJI to the point where she was told to relax, multiple times.

Drink water, sit down, rest a little.

And she did, eventually, because she know better than to say no to the other female in addition to the fact that she would definitely not be of any use if she’s sent to the infirmary again, just this time due to exhaustion instead of pure stress. During one of her breaks she decided to go out for a little walk, and to bring them all refreshments in the sorts of smoothies-- with the incredibly warm weather she found that they needed to keep themselves chilled, and energized. Bringing five different flavours she let the others pick first and though she know how to memorize lyrics, the ingredients of all five drinks went straight over her head.

-.✦･｡ﾟ

It’s strange being so close to a dream, yet so far away. The set up has changed and instead of sitting as an audience when not performing, they are now hidden behind the scenes as the audience has been replaced with an actual audience. Ryujin is thrilled, beyond excited because this will be the first time she actually perform in front of a live crowd of fans. Not necessarily hers, she is that realistic about it, but she hopes that at least some of them are there for her. She know that some people noticed her during the promotion times, when Starship released their dance practices and blogs, but she don’t know whether anyone kept their interest in her.

She squeezes YEJI’s hand back before they walk onto the stage, the crowd screaming loudly because of all the hype around them. Having been assigned to open their stage she look over towards the others before she speaks with a grin, “we are your,” and then they all speak in unison, “ANTIDOTE.” It was funny, cliché and something that Ryujin won’t ever let YEJI live down because she was the one to suggest the team name. They all get in position and she is ready. During the past few performances she has had no cue because she either rapped without the music, or she spoke just as it started, but this time she has a split second cue.

채찍질로 나를 깨워줘 My baby you are like (널 데려가) Palazzo Rocco, you are my antidote Lemon detox, right

The chorus comes up just after the intro, and it’s split between the two people in ANTIDOTE who can actually sing. She honestly envies them for their vocals, though she know that they are not by the best in the show, because she wish that she could sing as well. MINHO has the bigger rap verse almost for himself, Ryujin adlibs here and there but does not by any means try to take the spotlight as she know that she will get her own. He finishes off a self written rap verse strong as expected, having delivered his rap perfectly as expected. The chorus comes back up just like in the beginning before CHAERYEONG and Ryujin move into their parts, the former starting off with her own self written rap, Ryujin coming in every second line in the end to transition into her own verse that she has also written herself.

When they close up to YEJI’s big part of the stage she get anxious, Ryujin anticipates what the other has in store and she believe in the elder to pull off the high note because she has practiced so hard... and, she nails it, of course. She expected nothing less of her friend, and is satisfied not only for their performance but for YEJI as well as she know how much it means to her to master the art of singing. It leads straight into their dance break, which Ryujin suggested could be a sort of dance battle between the guys and the girls, excluding CHAERYEONG for only a short moment as her role becomes obvious soon enough, when she bring them all in to dance together again.

Ryujin feels good about the performance, like they have managed to complete it without flaws and that they could not have done anything differently. It’s how she has felt before however, so she doesn’t want to rely on such a feeling since she can’t possibly know what the judges look for in particular. But she is happy with their stage, more than happy actually, and the crowd seems to be satisfied as well because they roar in response, cheering loudly, and it only makes her want to step onto the stage again, again and again.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5groups #rkyeji #rkmason #rkchaeryeong #rkkhg #rksuwoong #rkjaemin #rkdoyexn #~*(wc: 1973;)

[hyojinrk-archived]

#5020 — kim hyojin &  #5025 — kim seunghun ( @rkseunghun​ ) 

MGA 5 EPISODE 3: hwasa′s twit, rearranged ( 0:10 - 1:12 ; 1:28 - 2:26 ) — spicy pork ver.

the moment when it finally sinks in that his name was not called for eliminations, hyojin starts to genuinely wonder if this is some kind of mistake, or if he actually deserved to move on. it physically hurts him to see how wonpil reacts when his name is called and criticism is doled out, reminding him of a similar situation last week -- the familiar, heart-wrenching feeling of guilt and shock and confusion. it only takes one lift of a microphone, one decision for him to now be completely and fully alone. 

perhaps that’s not factually true. in fact, living proof of the counterstatement to that was sitting right next to him on his other side, another piece of evidence directly behind him. sakura and seunghun. somewhere else in the audience is sungwoon, probably with daniel and the other empty enigma members. he feels foolish for even thinking that he might lose them -- they were incredibly talented, after all -- but then again, he had thought wonpil to be one of the most talented vocals that he knew. it’s jarring and exciting altogether; he can’t seem to get over the fact that now his other cousin was gone, too, but there’s an adrenaline rush accompanying the realization that he now was expected to move onto the next challenge. he looks around the studio with wide eyes, almost not even registering the next thing that the ceos say.

duos. two contestants, partnered with each other to deliver a performance. on impulse, his eyes flicker to his other side, half to avoid wonpil and half because he’s looking at seunghun. shaking his head, he resists the urge to glance behind him at a certain girl, instead staying tight-lipped and tense on his seat.

minho and nakyung. strange duo, but it’d be interesting if they could pull that off. yewon and minkyung, yoona and jackson -- rapper-rapper -- kyungsoo and yugyeom. hyojin winces at that combination, remembering vividly that kyungsoo was a singer, while yugyeom was a dancer. inwardly, he wonders if he’ll also find himself partnered with a dancer, and feels his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. he’s fairly sure that if that was the case, the end of his journey on this show would end rather quickly. for the sake of him and his partner-to-be, he desperately hopes that isn’t the case.

some more names fly by, and he feels a slow sinking disappointment as more vocalists passed by, including sungwoon. without knowing, his fingers cross over each other and he starts to repeat a mantra of names in his head in a desperate hope.

kim hyojin and kim seunghun. his heart drops when he hears one of the names he was repeating in his head flit by, and he looks devastated for a second when he realizes the name partnered with it. kim hyojin. hyojin. hyo --

“oh my god.” he hears a hearty laugh resounding next to him, and his head whips to the side, eyes wide and jaw hitting the floor. blinking multiple times when seunghun asks him for confirmation of what they both just heard, clearly not believing the coincidence himself, hyojin finds himself lifting up his hand dumbly, showing the male his still crossed fingers before breaking into a goofy grin. “it worked, i think.”

with that, he crushes the younger in a hug, before pulling away and chuckling at his comment. “what should we sing this time? monodrama? yanghwa brdg? there are still so many more tears to be shed.” he says it with a loud laugh, waving his hand teasingly to show he was joking. they leave the studio together once the filming ends, hyojin’s arm slung over seunghun’s shoulder affectionately and the two of them chattering about potential songs to perform.

even when it feels like his luck has just run out, he feels like he’s on cloud nine.

❀ PREPARATIONS;

he feels like an absolute coward for asking wonpil for his electric guitar. it’s obvious in his stance and the way his fingers fiddle with each other that he knows he could be reopening wounds, wounds that hadn’t even started healing yet but were being stitched together by calloused hands. he knows, and he feels awful, atrocious, like a monster. he hadn’t even dared to talk to seungmin face-to-face after the latter had been eliminated, and the fact that this deeply set feeling, this desperation to do all that he could to protect his spot in the competition because now seunghun was on the line, too was more important than his sense of decency made him sick.

hyojin almost cries when wonpil agrees, unaffected, excited, even, showing him where it had been stored away in the little apartment of theirs, well loved but still beautiful and shining in his eyes. the older seems proud of him instead of annoyed or bitter, supportive. it fills hyojin with a newfound sense of determination, because, no, he shouldn’t be ashamed. he shouldn’t feel bad for trying his best and making use of what he had.

this wasn’t for the sake of winning. this was for the sake of something a little bigger than that, for the sake of the slowly growing hole in his heart from not being able to do what he’s been wanting to do his whole life. no matter what happens, he needs to leave the stage on thursday knowing that he’s done all that he could.

even though it’s too formal considering how close the two of them were, he turns and bows deeply to his cousin in thanks, not sure how to classify the thickness in his throat and how his eyes started to water.

❀

with some careful guidance on where to find the amplifier and what to do with it, and some even more googling later, hyojin finds himself holding the guitar in his hand, the heavy metal ( no pun intended ) feels like the many burdens he’s started to take on. he’s only just made amends with seungmin not too long ago, but the insecurities are starting to well up. the bandaids he’s tried to put on the wounds on his heart from the elimination of his cousins left other parts of him open and vulnerable. he had watched seungyeon’s live the other day, and although he found himself smiling at her show of support for him and seunghun, he couldn’t help but feel the same tug at his heart that always came up when he heard her voice or saw her face. 

he’s been so busy worrying about mgas and his other friends that he’s almost completely forgotten about the heartache he had gone through before, heartache that was in the process of being patched up by sakura. even then, he wonders if she’ll see his stage too this week, and what she’ll think of it. absentmindedly strumming a chord, a habit he’s picked up to break himself out of any dark thoughts, he jumps at the loud feedback, suddenly remembering that he was holding an electric guitar and not an acoustic one. right, he needs to focus.

❀

“oh, i like it, it like it!” sitting up from his initially slouched position, hyojin almost startles gamja into falling off his lap, catching the adorable puppy before it could scamper off and trying to soothe it. seunghun’s been playing the keyboard he brought for a few minutes now, messing around with the song choice they had decided on. it’s basically a given that they wouldn’t be doing a ballad -- they’ve both sang plenty enough themselves, and he’s sure that the judges knew well enough that they were both capable vocally of singing heart-jerking tunes.

he’s fairly sure he’d be smacked on the shoulder if he suggested something trot -- although he couldn’t help himself from making a joke or two, snickering. the younger male always brought out the childish and energetic side of him, and every time they were together in the studio, it felt like all of his worries had melted away, and he could do things without a care in the world. he could sing any song in his music library and seunghun would be able to pick up after it, their music tastes going hand in hand. after some preliminary discussions, they had agreed on adding some electric guitar into the mix, providing more of a rock-house fusion of the hwasa song, something smooth and a little sexy, even. 

perhaps a little shyly, he even finds himself suggesting that he bring in the guitar to play during the performance, both as a shock factor and a tribute to wonpil, although he didn’t say the latter out loud. it feels wrong to go into the studio without such a comforting presence next to him. after three years of seeing him as an older brother, hyojin feels like it’s morally incorrect to not have a piece of his cousin with him when he sings, especially when wonpil won’t be there physically.

the rearrangement goes smoothly from there, and a few impromptu song covers and more fiddling later, they already have an outline done. the rest of the week passes like this, a mix of fun and frantic preparation, and when they part on the final day before d-day, hyojin feels like the guitar case on his back was significantly lighter than it first had been when he picked it up.

❀ IN THE STUDIO;

“woah, looking good~” greeting seunghun with a half-smile, hyojin laughs as he sees his friend with his new hair color. he had to say, ash brown suited the male well, giving him a more mellow and mature look in comparison to the blonde hair he had before. not that he looked better or worse -- it was arguably as good as the one before, but it was definitely new. hyojin’s heart may lie elsewhere, but he genuinely meant the compliment when he said it. they make their way into the studio, the taller’s arm looped around his shoulder, both dressed in loose dress shirts and hyojin’s slightly unbuttoned at the top, tie purposefully loosened and the smooth expanse of his neck shown.

he has a head of bright red hair himself, having gone to a hairstylist recommended by a busking friend of his who had gotten their hair dyed at the same place. if his best friend was going to do it, he might as well do the same. besides, he had always wanted to try out red -- at the very least, he could take this performance as an excuse to do so. it’s kind of funny at the same time, because ever since they made their duo name, they’ve been joking about dying their hair to match it. turns out it actually did happen.

as they sit down next to each other, hyojin smiles softly at seunghun’s question, nodding. “i’m as prepared as i could be, you?” as the male responds, hyojin finds himself absentmindedly fixing a tuft of seunghun’s light brown hair that had gotten rumpled by the cool air of the studio, putting it back in place and patting his friend’s head affectionately. it was a pretty normal gesture considering how close the two of them were, and hence, passed by naturally. “let’s enjoy the stage today.”

and with that, the recording starts. there are a few explosive performances, many of them entertaining and some even soulful. admittedly, hyojin and seunghun were going in the later half, and although he tries his best not to get affected, he can feel the nerves ebbing away at him. nevertheless, he thoroughly enjoys the stages. 

making a sound of surprise and shaking his head in happiness when he hears the song that sungwoon and his partner, jaemin, were performing, hyojin looks to seunghun with a grin. easy was for sure one of his favorite songs to listen to, the groove of wheein’s voice, coupled with the smoothness of sik-k giving it a high replay value. the both of them execute it well, and hyojin finds himself unable to stay still in his seat, grooving along. 

sakura’s stage with ryujin is equally stylish, albeit more upbeat and old-fashioned. he’s only heard the song a few times, but bond girl is for sure going on his playlist after watching. bopping his head to the addictive beat, he cheers for sakura and her partner, even chanting her name at one point while shaking his fists, like it was a fanchant and he was at an idol concert with a lightstick.

❀ ON THE STAGE;

soon enough, their names are called, and hyojin gets up, making his way to the stage with seunghun behind him, ducking his head shyly in thanks at the light applause that came up at the announcement of their team.

as he was older, he took the lead for their introduction, counting to two before doing their signature pose, raising his fists up to his cheeks in a crying gesture, instead biting down as if biting on a meat skewer, and then pretending to cry. it’s a silly thing they made up during one of their late night talks in the studio, with one stupid suggesting leading to another, and then them building up on each other until they came up with something both witty and embarrassing that they just had to do.

“hello, we’re spicy pork! i’m contestant #5020, kim hyojin,” he says, before letting seunghun finish, then adding, “like our team name and our hair colors,” he says, gesturing at seunghun’s head, then at his, “we’ll make sure to burn the stage with our spiciness!” 

with that, he tries not to get too embarrassed by the giggles that resound around the stage, keeping a straight face save for a little smile at seunghun, nodding back at him. putting the electric guitar strap over his shoulder, hyojin strums experimentally, hearing the sound echo faintly throughout the studio, before stepping up to his own standing microphone. 

the moment the instrumental starts and they begin to sing in harmony, hyojin’s smile drops immediately, and he takes on a fiercer, more serious expression. instead of vulnerable and gentle like it usually was, he finds himself wearing a new mask this time with seunghun. they were here to show new sides and new colors of themselves, keeping the judges and their competition on their toes. it wasn’t uncomfortable in the slightest, surprisingly enough -- they’ve spent hours on hours refining the performance and their synergy did wonders for their performance, after all.

( bold = hyojin’s lines, normal = seunghun’s lines )

oh 너는 멍청이     you’re a twit 가녀린 심청이    like simcheong

taking the bottom note when harmonizing, hyojin looks straight at the judge panel as he sings with an almost intense gaze, nodding his head when seunghun sings the first line powerfully, starting to play the guitar, feeling the chords resound and blending in smoothly with the piano track going in, opening the floodgates to more instruments that they had pre-recorded when re-making the track. they had also modified the lyrics a little to fit the allotted time, rearranging them but not rewriting them.

after a few rifts, he sings into the microphone with seunghun again, their voices flowing together well and making for a pretty melody.

내가 멍청이     i’m a fool 너를 병들게 한 싸가지     i’m the wench for making you sick 한 번씩 주위를 둘���봐     why don’t you look around once in a while 너는 아파도 모르고 있잖아     even when you’re in pain, you don’t know

starting off the first verse with an almost sultry tone, hyojin decides to go for something more smooth than seunghun’s more powerful approach so that they don’t clash, setting the mood as he tilts his head while singing the second line, fingers slowly but surely plucking at the guitar strings on beat.

he turns his focus back to playing when seunghun continues, matching his smoothness to further build up until the drop.

you make me loyal you make me hero you make me genius 주는 게 많아 근데 왜 너만 불행해질까     you give so much but why are you the only unhappy one? 나를 위해서만 숨을 쉬니까     cuz you only breathe for me 너무 외로워 보여     you look so lonely

flowing along the notes as if riding waves, hyojin’s mouth turns up slightly at the corner to form a half smirk, his gaze never leaving the ceos. it’s a completely different persona than he actually has, but it fits well for some reason, and he feels like he’s pulling them in inch by inch, closing the distance with his aura.

this time, seunghun comes in with power, and hyojin feels himself shift into a grin, his body moving along to the music as he plays.

너는 멍청이     you’re a fool twit twit twit twit i do not like it nobody likes it 가녀린 심청이     like simcheong twit twit twit twit i do not like it nobody likes it

hitting the chorus, hyojin picks up his playing, singing into the microphone with a controlled power to hit the note with the correct mood. he sings the ‘twit’ line almost delicately, hitting the high note smoothly, before fading into seunghun’s voice for the hook. seunghun sings the next line with his own flow, making them both stand out despite matching so well.

아이야 아이야이야     just a baby baby sky야 아이야이야 야이야     baby sky, just a baby

transitioning into the bridge, hyojin stops playing to let the emptiness sink in, now singing softer and feeling the attention focus on him as he grabs the microphone for the first time during the performance, clutching onto it and having an indignant look in his eyes as he sings the line, as if calling everyone watching a baby. seunghun then comes in, changing the attention focus, and hyojin aids him, harmonizing for the high note and taking the bottom line.

he meets seunghun’s eyes at this, breaking into a smile when the male winks at him.

너는 멍청이   you’re a fool twit twit twit twit i do not like it nobody likes it가녀린 심청이   like simcheong twit twit twit twit i do not like it nobody likes it

this time, a pre-recorded guitar comes in, purposefully planned so that they could focus more on the high notes and executing the chorus well. repeating it, this time switched, he makes in effort to make it more explosive than the last time.

twit twit twit twit (twit) 우린 길을 잃었어 (woah)    we’ve lost our way twit twit twit twit (woah) 나 밖에 모르는 너는 멍청이     you’re a fool who only knows me

now was the time where they could show off their skills, seunghun singing the line soulfully as hyojin did the adlibs, hitting the high notes prettily. when it reaches his turn to do it, he does the same, helping to segue into one of the many highlights of the song.

(yeah)

너는 멍청이     you’re a fool

(woah, woah, woah, woah)

나 밖에 모르는      who only knows me 우리 멍청이     we’re a fool

they hit the high note together, holding it and harmonizing, reaching the end of the song. they echo each other during one last ad lib, and hyojin finishes off the song suavely, the both of them singing the last line and the song ending with a bang. as they end with charismatic poses, hyojin finds himself a little out of breath by the intensity of their performance, feeling everything come alive at his fingertips. 

as they bow one last time and leave the stage, hyojin hears seunghun jokingly ask him to treat him to pork if they moved on, and just ruffles his partner’s hair in response. 

“i’ll think about it.”

#rkmga5 #rkmga5duos #&. galaxy #rkseunghun #[[ mentioned! #rksakura #rkwonpil #rkseungmin #rkxsungwoon #rkseung #also a few other duos but very very very sparingly #rkryujin #rkjaemin #lmao hyo really said no homo in his head to seunghun NSDKSKNDDSK #wc: 3.3k+ #yeah i'm a terrible person #OTL

[rkminhyun]

         MGA SEASON FIVE AUDITIONS     ∙     june fourteen,  hanlim multi art school

                                      𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗿    :     𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗹𝗹

                               𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲    :     𝐝𝐩𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞'𝐬  𝐣𝐚𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞   ( 𝟎𝟎:𝟎𝟐 - 𝟎𝟎:𝟒𝟗  )

                                                                      ↺

        he's ready for this.

       or so he tells himself,  like a chant that repeats itself over and over as he prepares to show his best  --  oh god,  dancing.  

        maybe he's not ready for this.

        pushing the anxious butterflies that threaten to choke his windpipe aside,  he's practiced for this,  is ready to go.  when the news become official within their circle,  that all of empty enigma would attempt to go for the mgas together,  minhyun read and re-read the news articles a hundred times over,  analyzing for all the information he would need to succeed.  so when he's asked to improvise a secondary performance,  he simply nods and casually says i'll do a dance,  then.

       see,  it's not like he expects to make it far,  he's mostly just there to show a joint front as he and the boys take on the world,  hands intertwined metaphorically (and literally,  thanks to sungwoon),  but he would be lying if he denied the part of him that yearned to prove his own insecurities wrong,  that maybe he could be cut out for all this,  could adapt to something he'd taken the coward's route out for time and time again.

       maybe minhyun could be allowed to dream this little dream of his.

       he knows the song too well,  one that's long since made a home for itself in his mind when it first released,  the lyrics resonating with a seductive call  --  dpr live had that effect,  the slow and gentle vibe that engulfed the listener wholesomely.  

       he brought a cap  ( black with a simple E.E written in the centre  --  minhyun repping band merch even in times like these when it was everyone for themselves )  that had been held by his belt buckles until it came time for the performance,  one that he secures firmly upon his head once he's called out a "ready!" for the track to play.

       he takes a breathe.  showtime.

just let me

       the chorus of jasmine is where he finds himself melting to the beat,  body moving in ways both memorized and guided by the music alone.  his gaze works to invite those watching in,  eyes doing the talking as his body works to showcase he has much to offer.  the choreography is supposed to lead towards a casual image,  of someone who almost sways to the almost lazy rhythm of the song.  

i could be the painter baby you could be my

        so far,  it's still simply a taste of what he has prepared,  the next verse being where he feels the mood pops off,  where he feels shows more of the vibe the judges might be looking for.  

we could be drunk on that love till we pass out yeah right here right now yeah 너의 예쁜 허리에 두 손을 girl can't we just dance now i could I could i could paint your beauty that's if you

       a lip bite here and there,  accompanied by a body roll,  seduction in the way his entire being tells a story,  a teasing grin appearing from moment to moment to contrast the seriousness that rests beneath his portrayal of a man that knows what he's doing.  the music continues to guide him despite the varying thoughts in his mind,  and he lets it  -- it's all he can do.

just let me just let me just let me just let me

       a nod to end off the performance,  before the music trails off and minhyun quickly bows to signal he's done,  breathing a little heavy.  the thank you is quickly on his lips,  a natural response after having gone from room to room,  showing all that they could.

       --  and before he knows it,  the end of the day has arrived,  passed within a blink of an eye.  minhyun leaves the room with a light heart tinted by a hint of heaviness he won't let settle.

       what matters is he survived.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5audition4 #wc : tba #no one read this or else

[rkjeno]

〈♫〉MGAS SEASON 5 → 01. callback performance. singing.                             ↳ lay me down by sam smith ( 00:04 - 1:53 )

it wasn’t constantly on his mind. if jeno claimed that he’d been obsessing over hearing back about where he stood on the mgas, he’d be lying. truthfully, the second he left that school he started doing everything that he could to move on from it. it was easy for him to flood his mind with other things given everything that he had on his plate. if he wanted to be stressed and anxious, he had around a hundred other things that would cause him to feel the exact same way, most of which were a lot more pressing matters. still, that didn’t mean that he was calm the second that he received an email and took notice of its sender. he didn’t even want to click on it because he was afraid of what it might say. not feeling capable of reading its contents, jeno quickly slammed his laptop shut and slid away from his desk.

now he was allowed to obsess. it was going to totally consume him until he worked up the strength to find out what it says. he has given his mind an unfair advantage since it now has the power to make up a hundred scenarios that are completely catastrophic and unlikely. the first thing he did was pull out his phone and text seoyoung that they sent him an email, though he didn’t disclose the fact that he has no idea what it says. hopefully that would push her to check her own email and figure out the reason they're being sent. he doubts that it matters, however. they surely sent them to those that moved on and the ones that didn't make it any further, right?

he waits an hour. after that, he can't bear it anymore. he'd been avoiding all forms of technology like the plague but he was pretty certain that he was beginning to lose his mind. returning to his desk, he shamefully opened his laptop once again and typed in his password. the screen was exactly the way he left it, gmail pulled open and that unread email staring right at him. he tried to be really fast about it— clicking without thinking, then his left hand flying up to the screen so fast to hide the words. he was going to take this slow, so he only revealed one line at a time to stop himself from having some sort of breakdown.

the result that he was met with made him feel super stupid for this entire situation. it was embarrassing that he panicked and waited an entire hour just to find out that he was one of the one-hundred people chosen to move on. but now, he had something else to freak out about. jeno kept rereading the email, trying to ensure that he wasn't missing any details. it would be just his luck to misread something or overlook a sentence that was necessary for his success. perhaps he read it a few too many times, but that was perfectly normal, right? lots of people are sure to have memorized the email in a way that they could recite it if their life depended on it... he was totally in the majority here.

he was supposed to prepare a performance that had a length of two minutes or less and the song he was doing needed to be submitted. that was doable. the only thing that worried him was that he wasn't going to be able to focus on anything else now that he knows this is a major thing that he needed to focus on. it was almost immediately that he started listening to albums saved in his phone's library, shuffling various categories on spotify, scrolling through performances on youtube... this was going to be bigger than his initial audition since he had a feeling the pressure would intensify given that he was definitely going to be on tv now, even if he wouldn't have been before. on these types of competitive shows, it was always dire to one up yourself every time that you get back on that stage.

this time, he wanted his voice to be the sole focus, so he wasn't going to need a guitar, keyboard, or anything like that. he wanted it to feel more personal and... intimate? if that's the word that he genuinely wanted to use. it was time for him to be more vulnerable than ever, just to see how his heart, mind, and body would take it. the entire point of this little experiment was to see how much of this spotlight he could handle. he didn't want to crack later on in the show after prancing by comfortably. it had to be all or nothing.

eventually, he settled on the song "lay me down" by sam smith. it was one of his favorite songs by one of his favorite artists, plus he thought it had a lot of potential and gave him some freedom to show everyone what he's truly capable of when it comes to his vocals. he may not be able to impressively dance like many of the other contestants, so this was pretty much what he was banking on. if his voice couldn't do it for him, he wasn't going to make it far either way. it just seemed like the smartest decision that he could make at the moment. it took him a few listens to figure out what part of the song he wanted to sing, as well as how he wanted to sing it so it wouldn't sound like a carbon copy of the original.

unfortunately, the closer it got to the date of the callback, the more anxious he felt. he considered multiple times just not showing up at all, however that made him feel guilty for the person whose spot he would have stolen for no reason. but still, performing in front of more than a hundred people? most of which probably hated him already simply because he was competition? it made his stomach turn. regardless, he couldn't allow this to stop him. if he was eliminated, that would be fair and all, but he couldn't do anything to ruin it himself. it had to be someone else's decision, not his. that was the only way that he could prove anything to himself. otherwise, he was just going to feel like a disappointment and a coward. that... didn't seem appealing at all.

the day of the performance finally ended up rolling around and jeno couldn't be more relieved and panicked all at the same time. it was nice that he wasn't going to need to constantly think about it anymore, but he still felt super jittery and moderately terrified. still, he was going to have his few friends there that would ease his nerves which did more to comfort him than he actually assumed it would have.

once he was at the venue and followed other people until he was confident that he was in the right place, he was made to find a seat of his liking. truthfully, he didn’t care where he sat as long as he had one person close to him that he was familiar with. whether that be seoyoung, jaemin, yuqi... it didn’t matter. he just might literally fall over dead if this was something that he had to experience all by himself. the very concept of that sort of amused him, given he was surrounded by loads of people. how could he possibly feel alone?

right as his heartbeat finally begins to resemble a normal pace and he no longer feels his fingers trembling against the hem of his shirt that he timidly messes with, he is hit right in the face with a new curve ball that knocks him back about fifty paces. suddenly, his heart is beating faster than it’d even been before since... the judges are actually the ceos of the big companies... wow... that’s... well, jeno was absolutely thrilled. except not... unless thrilled is just another word for “horrified”. still, he tried to convince himself that it didn’t change anything. sure, they were respected and powerful people, but what did that matter, right? ....... right?

it gets a little better again once everything starts happening and he has the opportunity to watch others perform. he feels fortunate to be here and to witness all of this talent. it made him feel proud that he obviously did well enough to be called back with all of those he was surrounded by. still, each time a ceo would call someone new to the stage, he felt his heart seemingly pause for just a split second. there was always a wave of relief that would wash over him once he would realize that he wasn’t the one who was meant to go next.

of course, eventually he didn’t get that same relief. it was bound to happen, even though he stupidly deluded himself into believing that maybe it wouldn’t. it was interesting to him that he’d been called to the stage by so jisub since he wasn’t the ceo of either of the companies that he was forced to mention on his application form. it felt a little awkward, but it wasn’t as if the ceos had any of that knowledge anyway, right?

truthfully, he was doing all of the thinking in an attempt to distract himself from his nervousness. most people seemed to be fairly nervous, though, so he tried not to feel too embarrassed by it. it seemed impossible for him to make his heart calm down and he already knew that his hands wouldn’t stop trembling no matter what he tried focusing on, but those things didn’t matter as much as his voice. as long as he could deliver his performance without screwing up too bad, nothing else would actually be important.

he tried to mentally transport himself to someplace else. once he was standing in front of the microphone, hands grasping the handle in an attempt to steady himself, his eyes softly closed and he waited for the track to begin so he could get this out of the way.

yes i do, i believe that one day i will be, where i was right there, right next to you and it's hard, the days just seem so dark the moon, and the stars, are nothing without you

luckily for jeno, the tone of the song made it perfectly acceptable to close his eyes as often as he found fitting. the main thing that he had to worry about was his facial features and allowing himself to feel the feelings that that came with the lyrics. if he could just manage to get his breathing, notes, and emotions right, he didn’t think that he would have an issue making a fairly good impression. although he had practiced for ages on this performance, it was still so much harder to do in front of so many people. occasionally while singing, he would reach up and place his hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat for just a couple of seconds, then return back to his previous position.

your touch, your skin, where do i begin? no words can explain, the way i'm missing you deny this emptiness, this hole that i'm inside these tears, they tell their own story

he was incredibly grateful that the song started out so slow. this gave him the chance to ease into it instead of trying to belt out high notes the second he steps foot on stage. given he was so out of his element, it was really important for him to work his way up to that point. if he tried to do too much at once, surely he wouldn’t have been able to pull any of this off.

you told me not to cry when you were gone but the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

as he continued leading up to his more impressive and harder to achieve notes, he really tried to completely clear his mind of any insecurities and pessimism. right now, he needed to solely focus on his song and this performance. the people in the audience didn’t matter, not even the judges. the only thing that had to matter to him was connecting to this song and picturing himself being in a situation in which these lyrics would apply to him. if he could convince them that he was going through a situation like this himself, that is how he would succeed. his expressions and execution of this performance had to tell a story. especially given he was speaking in a language other than korean, meaning some of his fellow contestants may not even be able to full comprehend the song. that just made it so much more important for him to sing in a way that it would be understood either way.

can i lay by your side, next to you, you and make sure you're alright i'll take care of you

it was always a great feeling when he managed to hit the notes aloud the way that he could hear them in his head. it was one of the biggest reasons that taking all of those classes were so important to him. one thing that made him feel completely trapped was when he would have visions or ideas that he couldn’t bring to life. having the ability to make something real after it lives in your head for a while so, so satisfying.

i don't want to be here if i can't be with you tonight

the most satisfying thing, however, was nailing those last few notes which brought an end to his performance. he didn’t want to really focus on thinking about what other people thought of him, instead he just kept trying to remind himself that he did what he wanted to do. he was on stage in front of so many people and didn’t mess up... which is more than he thought he would have been able to say. although he was going to do his absolute best to keep negative thoughts from overwhelming him, he wasn’t sure that he would entirely succeed. either way, at least if he fought them off, they wouldn’t be too bad. he just had to constantly mentally tell himself that he made it this far when others didn’t, he showed some people what he was capable of, and more importantly, he showed himself what he was capable of. for now, that was enough.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5callback #; solo. #tw: anxiety #wc: 2300 #( u won't regret watching his performance i promise )

[ishacapistrano]

Thought #2

I met you online last November 2018. My closest friend introduced you to me. I already knew where things would go, so I had this big NO to your every “kita naman tayo.”

Last December 2018, I didn’t had anyone to come with me at the mall to buy a gift for my baby. You said you wanted to come. I didn’t want to be a loner, so I said yes. It was the first time I personally met you after a month of talking through social media. You even asked me to come with you on your band practice. So I watched you, and that’s when I knew that you were the bassist of your band.

Sometimes, you’d even call me while you’re drunk. There’s this one night, I was already asleep, when my phone suddenly rang, and I found out it was you calling. It was already 4am so I asked you, why? You said, you just wanted to talk to me, because you said that’s what people do, when they like someone, they call them, they find ways to talk to them. But I’m really not that into you, so I hung up my phone. And then you called again, I told you I was already sleeping, so I hung up for the second time. Then after a few minutes, you tried to call me again, but I didn’t answer anymore, because I don’t want to talk. I wasn’t really interested. And sleep was the only thing I wanted that time. When I woke up, you sent me a message and it says, “wag mo ng pansinin lahat ng sinabi ko, pasensya na.”

Then after a week, you asked me out. You said you wanted to watch a movie with me. But because I felt guilty for saying a lot of no’s, I finally said yes. So after my 8 hour tiring shift, I went straight to the mall to meet you. Honestly, I really enjoyed your company. We were so comfortable with each other, to the point that we didn’t had any second thoughts on opening up about the struggles we had in our lives. We had a few drinks at the bar. You noticed I was already tipsy, so you called a cab for me. It was the first time that we kissed, I could still remember. You were worried that I was slightly drunk so you walked with me until I reached the front door.

Little did I know, you were my hurricane.

I built a wall that is strong and high enough not to be broken by sweet gestures and fake effort. But I let you break that wall, thinking you have your pure intentions, and that you’re different from other guys.

You invited me to your house, and then introduced me to your parents as your girlfriend. It was December 20, 2018 when I first heard you say “I love you.” You were sweet, kind, and caring, enough to not make me notice of who you really are.

I noticed that when we’re going to have fights, you’ll just let me walk away. You didn’t care about what would I feel or think. You would let me sleep with worries and a heavy heart. You said you just want a “happy relationship”, and that you’ll break up with me if we would have one more fight again.

I started accepting you in any way. I was so scared to be left alone again, so I let you treat me the way you wanted to. I was so blinded by what I thought was love.

You knew that I’m suffering from depression. But instead of helping me get through with it, you made me depressed even more.

Napagod kang alagaan ako, sabi mo hindi mo na alam kung ano pang gagawin mo. Sabi mo masaya naman buhay mo noon. Sabi mo hindi ako yung gusto mo, hindi mo na ako mahal. Sabi mo makikipag break ka na.

But I was so afraid of losing you, so I did everything I could to make you stay. I had bruises on my left arm and sore feet, pagkatapos kitang habulin sa nagyeyelong paligid. Sobrang tanga ko. I even went to your gig para lang suyuin ka, dala yung cake na binili ko para sayo.

I watched you from a far, and I saw how happy you were even though I wasn’t there with you anymore. I felt hopeless. That’s when I tried to take my own life.

But even though it happened, I haven’t heard any “kamusta ka na?” or “buhay ka pa ba?” from you. It seemed like you didn’t care at all.

Isang buwan akong nagkulong sa kwarto at walang maayos na kain man lang. Gusto ko lang matulog ng matulog, at kung magigising man ako, pinipikit ko ulit ang mga mata ko, para muling bumalik sa tulog. Sleep became my escape from pain.

Alam kong hindi mo na ako kakausapin, kaya hindi ko na rin sinubukang i-reach out ka pa. I deleted all the pictures and videos na nandun ka. Gusto kong burahin lahat ng alaala na meron tayo, kasi ayoko ng maramdaman yung sakit.

Then I found out that you made a group chat with your friends just to tell them that I was a crazy, obsessed, toxic, and possessive girlfriend. How immature, right? Minahal ko lahat ng taong mahal mo, pati na rin mga kaibigan mo. Kaya sobrang sakit para sakin na siraan mo ako sa kanila.

Well, first of all, stop calling depressed people as “crazy.” Pinapatunayan mo kung gaano ka ka-walang kwentang tao at kung gaano ka kabobo. Second, how can you say I’m obsessed when all I ever did was love you? Ano ba kasi yung obsessed para sayo? Third, toxic? After everything that I’ve done and sacrificed? After being so understanding and forgiving? Baka naman ikaw talaga kasi yung toxic, at masyado lang akong nabulag sa pag ibig kaya hinayaan kita na maging ganyan. And lastly, possessive? As far as I remember, gustong gusto mo mag club with your friends na hindi ako kasama. Pero hindi kita pinapayagan na wala ako, dahil unang una, bakit kailangan wala ako? Pangalawa, alam ko din kung anong meron at anong pwedeng mangyari kaya wag mo kong tatawaging possessive dahil lang dun.

Hindi ko sinasabing wala akong pagkakamali. Alam kong may mga pagkakamali din ako, at hindi ako nagdalawang isip na humingi sayo ng sorry ng maraming beses para dun. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan, bakit kailangan mo kong siraan sa maraming tao? Ginawa mo kong pathetic sa mata nilang lahat. Sinabi mo na hinahabol pa rin kita even though I already stopped doing it, matagal na. You made me question my worth, and that’s what hurts me the most. Kung dati, sobra kitang minahal, ngayon, wala na kong ibang maramdaman kung hindi galit at sama ng loob. Akala ko iba ka. Pero alam mo kung anong wala sayo? RESPETO.

I hope someday you learn how to respect other people around you. I hope you realize how important it is. And I hope someday you’ll finally come up to admitting also your mistakes. Don’t be such a coward. At least have some balls and stop putting the blame on other people. Ako ang sinisisi mo sa lahat ng nangyari, but you know what’s true? Duwag ka. Pumasok ka sa isang relasyon na ang gusto mo lang palaging masaya. Ang hilig mong magbitaw ng mga pangakong di mo kayang tuparin. Ang hilig mong paniwalain yung isang tao na you’ll do better at hindi mo sya iiwan kahit anong mangyari. Pero dahil sa depression ko, bibitaw ka na lang bigla? May pagkakamali ka din. Sapat na sana kahit isang sorry lang kasi hindi naman matigas puso ko eh. Wag ka din mag girlfriend kung wala kang balak maghanap ng trabaho. Mahiya ka naman kasi nung tayo pa, ako halos sumasagot lahat ng pang date natin. Sabi mo pa, wag akong tamarin magtrabaho para may pang date tayo. Now, who’s toxic? And again, most importantly, stop calling depressed people as “crazy.” Grow up!

If you’re going to ask me if I still want you back in my life, the answer is NO. Minahal kita, but you made me hate you so much. Sana lang pagdating ng panahon na mahanap mo katapat mo, kayanin mo. Kasi kung ako muntik ng mamatay dahil sa mga pinaggagawa mo sakin, what more kung sayo gawin yan? Good luck sa karma. Mabigat balik nyan. Matuto ka na sana.

#confession #thoughts #feelings #honest thoughts #realization #hard feelings #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #spilled words #personal post #personal

[halfthebattle]

Life Update

(Before you read this blog post, I just want to share that I’m currently listening to Sleeping with Siren’s playlist of Scene 1 to Scene 5 while writing this, hihi)

WARNING: Mahaba itong post na ‘to. Pagtiyagaan niyo nalang. Minsan lang naman ako magkuwento eh. Haha.

Hello! How are you? As always, I wish that you are all doing fine. As for me, well, I know I haven’t been active lately, and I have no better excuse than “My life has been a series of complicated mess and I didn’t know how to put those in words, I’m sorry”. Deep inside, there’s always been the urge and the need to write. Writing always calms me. It’s like an aromatic coffee that, once inhaled and sipped, gives me peace even just for a moment. But then again, I always want to find the right blend of coffee – the right words to write, that is. Maybe some of you can relate, but sometimes, it’s hard to put your emotions into words so oftentimes, you are left with suppressing them. But here I am now, about to mix in the best ingredients that I could find.

I’m about to share with all of you a glimpse of what happened over the past weeks – only those that I think are important but not too personal enough to mention.

1. Remember that post I had last August 16 when I said that I was having the worst weeks of my 2018 yet? Well, one of the reasons is my unfortunate chance of receiving ‘singko’. While taking our midterm exam, I was caught using my phone. No need to deny it now that I was checking if my answers were right, so yes, you can call that cheating, folks. I didn’t want to share it as much as possible because I felt ashamed, but then I realized, “To hell with it, I started out a blog, I should share even the bad sides that I have. I should be transparent to my readers.” My professor, who was already a senior citizen, had a hard time deciding whether he would fail me or not. He talked to the president of our class in private and asked for a second opinion. The president of our block didn’t know what to say but he did mention the oath that we signed when we shifted to Finance from Accountancy. It was written there that we are supposed to not receive a grade of 5.00 again, or else it will lead to expulsion. I was a coward, I didn’t have the guts to talk to my professor face-to-face about the matter, so I sent him a long message, explaining but mostly apologizing. He told me that I should just wait for my grades on the CRS. What really pained me were his other words. He told me that being a graduating student, being the eldest among the siblings in my family, and that my father is expecting me to graduate are not enough reasons to pass me. I swear I was tearing up when I read that. I was not worried about me, I was worried about my parents. I didn’t want them to know about this considering that it will only add to their burden. Left with no choice, I had nothing better to do than to swallow my pride and still attend classes in that subject and excruciatingly wait for my grades. As someone with depression, you could just imagine how that caused me to panic and pity myself. I kept on thinking, “Pwede bang sabihin nalang niya kung isisingko niya ako para alam ko na next move ko, kasi hindi ko na kaya na maghintay pa ng two months, hindi ako makahinga nang maluwag araw-araw?” You’ll know more about what happened after with this subject later.

Another reason for “worst weeks of 2018 yet” is our thesis. Even before we were able to do our business research, we were assigned to pass 5 thesis topic proposals. Among the 5 that my groupmates and I passed, nothing was approved. We were in dire need to start our business research already because time was against us – we only had one month left. To top it all off, sabi pa sa amin ng prof namin, “Ang babaw ng topics niyo.” Sinabi niya yun sa buong klase. Sobrang gusto na namin ng groupmates ko na kainin kami ng lupa. But I didn’t see it as mababaw. About Gender Finance yung isa naming topic, yung isa naman is about Neoliberalism. Ano mababaw run?

2. Last September 23, 2018, I wasn’t able to blog about it, but I took the Philippine Law School Admission Test (PHILSAT). I was able to muster all my strength and courage to take it and have our Thesis Oral Defense after two days! Yes, in less than a week, I faced the PHILSAT and our defense! Honestly speaking, hindi ko rin alam paano ko nakaya pero kahapon, October 15, 2018, the results were out. Lo and behold:

Hindi ko na ipapakita pangalan ko, pero NAKAPASA AKO SA PHILSAT! For less than an hour, I was happy about it, but things happen, and I feel like life (or some people) was selfish enough to let me rejoice for a day.

3. Last October 06, 2018, it was my first ever time to watch a movie in the cinema all by myself. The experience was fun and freeing at the same time. Though this was an impulsive decision I made after class, I think I should do it more often. It was a healthy way to reconnect with myself. Anyway, Exes Baggage is a 9/10 for me! Umiiyak akong lumabas ng theatre. Haha.

4. I had a day of pampering with my younger cousin at Laguna two days ago. We had a facial session, a whole-body Swedish massage, then we capped off the night with Seattle’s Best Double Chocolate Mint and Sip & Dip’s budget-friendly create-your-own snack! Gustung gusto ko kapag pumupunta ako sa kanila sa Laguna ‘cause parang pampering day ko talaga yun. Haha.

(Nagswitch na ako sa playlist ng LANY. Now Playing: Malibu Nights. Ang sakit, mga sis.)

5. Last night, as mentioned in my previous post, biglaan akong inatake ng Major Depressive Disorder ko. Masyado na marami nangyayari sa buhay ko minsan na minsan tinatry ko mawalan ng paki, tinatry ko huwag panghawakan yung mga bagay na yun, but sometimes, hindi pa rin ako matahimik. Kagabi, on my way home, di muna ako pumasok ng bahay kasi umiiyak na ako mag-isa sa labas ng bahay namin, mukha akong tanga though wala naman nakakakita sa akin. Chinat ko bestfriends ko. Ayun, minessage nung bestfriend ko since kindergarten yung nanay ko. Nung una, di ako pinayagan pero pumayag din naman. So, nagbook na ako ng Grab papunta sa kanila. Nag-usap kami sa kwarto niya about things that are going in our lives. Nagpa-McDelivery kami pero nakatulog na ako so siya nalang kumain kagabi. Sa umaga ko nalang kinain yung share ko. HAHA.

6. As of today, kumpleto na rin naman grades ko. Pasado ako sa lahat. Although hindi ako kontento sa grades ko, alam ko naman na deserve ko yung mga mabababa. Ang importante nalang sa akin ngayon is nakapasa ako. About dun sa prof ko na pinag-iisipan kung ibabagsak ako, well, nung Final Examination week namin, hindi na niya pinag-exam yung mga perfect attendance. Isa na ako run. Pero he talked to me separately. Nag-aral daw ba ako, sabi ko, “Opo, Sir.” Sabi niya, “Nevermind, don’t take the exam. You won’t fail. I assure you. In a 1/8 sheet of paper, just write the grade you think you deserve.” Oh, diba, mala-Fault in our Stars?! Haha. Nilagay ko 2.75. Binago ko. Nilagay ko 3.00. In the end, he gave me 2.50. I messaged him na super thankful ako kasi ang considerate niya. Di ko yata deserve. ☹ As for my other professor, gusto ko isampal sa kaniya yung sinabi niya na ang babaw ng topic namin. Pero thankful na rin ako kasi nabago topic namin. We got 1.25. KAMI PINAKA MATAAS, BESHY. We couldn’t get happier!

7. Oo nga pala, “sembreak” na namin ngayon. Pero limang araw lang. First time ko ‘to maexperience in my college life. Haha. Sa limang araw na yun, dalawang araw inilaan pa sa enrollment. Bawas pa ng isang araw kasi bukas, pinapapunta kami para i-file yung overload form namin for next sem. So, lumalabas na dalawang araw lang pahinga ko. At yung isa pa run ay kinuha sa akin ng depression ko. Haha.

That’s all, folks! If you’ve reached this far, please comment a heart for me! Kailangan ko ngayon ng love and attention. Asar, ang needy ko. Huehue. Anyway... Thank you so much!!

#DearDiary #personal #life #depression #depressed #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #school #college