#im a cold and selfish woman who just really wants that fucking death wish already

[shidoukanae]

still thinking about how she-

is the same person as her:

#isogai saya #ousaka mito #kujirai keido #000000 Ultra Black #Saya my love #do you know how fucking long i've waited for a competent female antagonist who is not reduced to waifu bait or fanservice??? #do you??? #the way she goes from uwu i am a typical middle school student girl to #im a cold and selfish woman who just really wants that fucking death wish already #is sooo good im in love #like i want to dissect her a lot because fucking hell the rollercoaster of her character is A Lot #like can we talk about what seems like literal cruel irony that the sister of the man Inuhiko killed is dressed up as his own dead sister #i really love how Saya sees herself as all alone thanks to the tragedy of her world but at the end she resigns herself to being by Kujirai's #side #and even kind of tells him with a few panels that 'hey this is my demise but im resgined to it' and he's In Pain but faithful to her #like Saya is the female antagonist ive always wanted to see in a shounen esque show #one who masterminds things and plays the part of a trickster to obtain her goals #and the fact that her nickname is fucking 000000 #still gets me because the author def named the manga 000000 with her in mind as the catalyst of the narrative tragedy and i #I love Saya she means so much to me just like everyone else in this goddamn manga does

[killthe-illusionarydreams]

Chronic Emptiness

Fred x reader

After the war

Summary: Y/N having a depressive episode & Fred trying to help her through it. Basically me living vicariously through her. Soft moment.

Warning: Mentions of depression & plainly feeling like shit

——————

Y/N was exhausted. Not by her job or work, just mentally drained. This sort of thing happened sometimes. One moment she was okay, the next it all came crashing down on her & she’d feel pure hatred for the world she was living in. Fred had gotten used to it by now, he’d be the ever so caring boyfriend & try to help her through it however he could. Exept he really couldnt do much but reassure Y/N that he was there for her.

And of course Y/N appreciated him & all his efforts, she loved Fred more than life itself & everyone knew that. But sometimes she just needed space. Like today.

They were at a bar with George & Angelina and several other mates after their shifts had all ended from their various occupations. George & Fred at their joke shop, Angelia at the Ministry, Y/N at St Mungos.

Y/N never truly felt like she belonged, not growing up at home, not at Hogwarts, & certainly not in St Mungos where she was working as a nurse. Its not that she hated the job, more like it didn’t particularly cause her immediate joy. She just did it. She got on with it & did what she had to.

As her friends were dancing to the music Y/N leant into her boyfriends ear so he’d hear her say “Hey Fred I think I’m gonna head home early today, I’m tired.”

The man looked up at her, as if trying to read her thoughts “D’you want me to come with love?”

Y/N shook her head, declining the offer “No dont worry. I’ll go through the park, I need some fresh air anyway.” Fred nodded & bid her goodbye with a kiss, telling her to stay safe. “I’ll see you at home.”

It was already dark outside, the tall streetlamps being the main source of light for the woman, but she wasnt really paying attention to where she way going, not caring enough to look. Y/N got to the park near the flat where her & Fred lived, deciding to make a pitstop there she sat on one of the wooden benches that overlooked a small river.

Letting out a heavy sigh she put her head into the palms of her hands, it was feeling all too heavy lately. “Dear Merlin I’m so tired.” Mumbling, the woman rolled her head in her hands before sitting back up and gazing at the sky. Oh how beautiful it looked tonight.

Lighting up a cigarette, she put it to her lips & took a long inhale. She was supposed to be quitting smoking, Fred always got on her about continuing the habbit. In all honesty Y/N didnt care enough to stop, at this point she wasnt even sure if she still got the same boost of seratonin from smoking as she used to. But again, it didnt bother her.

“Fuck me why is life so draining?” She asked no one in particular, she knew why it was draining, the abundance of issues with her brain promptly being the answer. She just wished it were easier. Easier to deal with things.

Realistically Y/N had nothing to be unhappy about anymore, there was no war, she had a good life, an amazing boyfriend, a stable job, decent friends. But there was a permanent void in her heart that could never be filled. Ever since she was a child it stayed with her. Maybe her cold & harsh, unloving parents brought it on, or maybe how she didnt let herself feel love & would distance herself from anyone that ever got close to her. But it was there. Unmovable.

The woman let the smoke out from her mouth, sighing at why she was having another one of her episodes, feeling shitty about having said episode. Yet, there was nothing she could do to stop it from occuring. “Fuck off brain.” She mumbled to herself, cursing her biology & upbringing “Stop feeling so Shit.”

“I keep you alive you ungrateful idiot.” She huffed to herself “And I’m doing a pretty good job, so stop making me feel like its my fault.” It wasnt her fault. If it were, Y/N would know how to fix it & evidently stop feeing this way.

Some would say the war brought this Y/N on, but people knew that she was like this way before. However, before she was better at hiding it. Better at hiding the dark circles, the restlessness, the ‘I dont care what happens to me’ attitude. In all honesty it didnt bother Y/N that people knew she was like this, she didnt do it on purpose. And when she could- she’d be happy- the life of the party, in those instances she could hide her feelings. But sometimes they just got too overwhelming to bare.

“You’re being such a selfish prick.” She sighed and puffed on yet another cigarette “Go home Y/N. Go to the man who loves you.” Yet she made no motion to move. It’d probably been two hours since she left the bar, she wasnt keeping track of time, not feeling the need to.

Sometimes she thought that Fred didnt love her, not because he said something or did something, but because she thought that Fred puts up with her. Which wasn’t true, the man loved her to death, she made him feel alive. Y/N was a risk taker, an adventurer, someone that kept you on your toes- & he admired that about her. Y/N was smart & funny & the most gorgeous person Fred had ever seen, but he knew that behind her sarcasm & faux narcissistic comments, she didnt believe it. Oh what he’d give for the woman to see herself through his eyes.

A few more minutes passed & the woman got up with a sigh, throwing the butt of her cigarette down, she made her way home.

The door creaked open, a little too loudly for Y/N’s taste, she winced at the sound, hoping it wouldnt wake Fred.

“Where were you?” The light flicked on. Before her stood a dischevelled Fred, arms crossed “I got home and you werent here.”

“I was in the park.” She mumbled, taking her coat off “Lost track of time, sorry.”

Fred looked at the woman before him, he noticed the dark circles that she tried to cover prefousley with makeup, noticed the ash on her jacket and faint aroma of smoke mixed with sadness.

“Its fine.” He reassured her and went to hug her, pretending to not notice her cold body & how she stiffened when he touched her “Just let me know next time alright?”

The woman hummed in agreement and walked into the living room, as she sat on the couch she put the tv on to play some sort of muggle program but not really paying attention to it. She just didnt fancy Fred interrogating her about her feelings. She hated talking about them, normally just botteling them up. Maybe that was the cause of her unhappiness.

A few moments went by & she thought Fred had went to bed, but then she felt the couch sink next to her. “Here” he placed a blanket around her & handed her a hot mug of tea “You’re freezing.” Mumbling a thanks she sipped on her drink, not really feeling like talking she waited for him to say something, anything.

And he did “Is it getting bad again?” Oh. Was it? Probably. Most definitely.

“I’m fine.” She lied “I’ll be fine.” Y/N wasnt convincing anyone.

Fred watched her, not knowing what to say or do. He wished he could help, just magically cheer up the love of his life. But thats not how life worked. “You’re good enough.” He blurted out “You deserve to feel happy.”

Y/N didnt look up at him, she knew Fred was trying to help. But was he? I dont know.

“Do I though, do I really?” She finally asked with a sigh, those seemed to be coming from her a lot lately “Because I know I do, I just dont feel it coming to me and its so draining to get on with life when you feel worthless.”

Fred took in what she just said, pausing before trying to come up with a reasonable response “I know.” He sighed “I want to help you Y/N, what can I do?” What could he do though? Realistically?

“I dont know. Nothing. This’ll pass soon enough and I’ll be okay.”

Fred knew that, Y/N was always ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ or ‘just tired’ “But I want you to be better than okay. I want you to be happy, to enjoy life and all its moments.”

Y/N scoffed “And you think I dont want that?” There was a tense silence

“Why dont we take the day off tomorrow and go out somewhere? We havent done that in a while.” Fred suggested. It was true, with both of them being bombarded by work they hardly saw eachother in the last few months.

“Sure.” Y/N smiled sickly and set her tea down “Yeah alright I’ll just sack my job off to have a fun little date with you eh? Why not risk getting fired just because I’m feeling a little moody huh?”

Fred was taken aback by her words and immediately went back on what he said “If you dont want to thats fine I-“

“Im sorry” she cut him off “I’m sorry, that was a dick move I didnt mean it, just everythings gotten so much-“ she put her feet up on the couch to hug them “Im sorry.” A few stray tears fell onto her knees

Fred moved closer to her “Hey, its okay, its okay dont worry. I understand.” Oh sweet understanding Fred, Fred who gave you unconditional love and support. Fred who you keep snapping at.

Moments pass as he embraces you, your body leaning against his heavily. Not sure whether its the exhaustion or something else “I dont deserve you.” You mumble into his chest. He frowns cups your face in his hands, you lean in to his warm touch.

“Dont say that” you let out a quiet sob “Y/N you deserve the absolute world, and I wish I could give it to you & more. If I could take away your pain, I would. In an instant I would. You dont deserve to feel like this, to think like this. But I’m here for you okay. I love you, so fucking much you don’t understand.” He gazed into her eyes, wishing she could feel how much he meant it “You’re the best thing that happened to me & I’m going to prove it to you, whatever it takes Y/N.” He kissed your nose before letting you hug him tighter, relieved that you no longer shrunk away from his touch “Words cant express how much I love you.”

After a few more tears fall, Y/N laughs into his chest “Good because you’re stuck with me.”

Fred grins to himself “I wouldnt have it any other way.”

#slytherin #harry potter #hogwarts #hufflepuff #gryffindor #ravenclaw #james potter #remus lupin #sirius black #draco malfoy #fred wesley #fred weasley imagines #fred weasley imagine #fred and george #Spotify #depressing things #george weasley #sirius black imagines #fanfic #ron weasley #gryffinpuff #hermione granger #fred weasley x slytherin #slytherin x gryffindor

[ayanna-wild]

A Place To Call Home

Word Count: 1557

Pairings: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Warnings: angst, possible trigger, fluff

A/N: Request from anonymous, And thank you all so much for being so supportive, screw the haters, you guys are amazing and I truly couldn't ask for better readers!

Tag list and Request are open!

Summary: He seldom came to this part of the city, where the people who resided would sooner rob him then help him. But he had a favor to collect on. While he waited to cross the street, he notices a small crowd of people and there you are at the center, torn clothes, dirty, and giving away all the money you had just collected from the crowd who had bought your art. He can't help but be curious and you soon find a persistent devil tailing after you. Wondering why you gave everything when it was clear you had nothing. 

..................................................................................

Lucifer sighed as he stood impatiently on the sidewalk. This light always seemed to take so long to change, with how old it looked he was surprised it even functioned at all anymore. He'd have crossed the street already, light be damned, if he didn't think someone might run him over. He wouldn't put it past anyone in this part of the city. Most watched him like greedy vultures, waiting for his demise, so they could swoop in and collect from his misery.

A small crowd of people gathered around someone who was sitting on a blanket. He didn't think much of it, they'd been there a while. He turned his attention back to the light, just in time to see it flicker before fizzing out all together. 

"Oh bloody hell." 

Lucifer glared at the wretched thing, looking both ways to see if he could safely cross. He wouldn't even be here if the Detective hadn't asked him to use one of his favors. He was beginning to regret agreeing. He'd been seconds from stepping off the broken concrete, and onto the street when he threw one last glance over his shoulder. The crowd had dispersed, and he saw the person at the center was now gathering their blanket. He watched you closely as you walked a few feet down, handing the cup of money in your hand to an elderly woman.

The two of you seemed to argue for a moment, but ultimately it seemed you won and you draped the worn blanket you carried over her shoulders. Lucifer watched you walk away curiously before changing his direction. He approached the older woman with a kind smile.

"Excuse me, do you know who that was?" He asked politely.

She regarded him closely for a moment, almost suspiciously.

"I do. What's it to you?" 

Lucifer smiled at the woman's attempt to be intimidating.

"I simply wish to ask her a few things is all."

He held his hands up, trying to show her he meant no harm to her or you.

"Her name is Y/N, she lives not far from here." 

"And does she do that often? Give her money away like that?" 

The woman shrugged, peering into the cup you'd given her.

"Yes, sometimes to me, sometimes to other people, I always tell that girl not to worry about me. She's worse off than I am. I've got my coat for the winter, but she insists on giving away her stuff. Her hard-earned money, she's talented, if her situation was different she'd have made a name for herself by now."

Lucifer was even more intrigued now, and he glanced down the street.

"There's a soup kitchen close by, poor funding but it provides at least three meals a week. Hardly anything, but it's enough to keep some skin on her bones."

Lucifer frowned a little at that, and the elderly lady began to gather her stuff.

"It's the alley by the old deli, you can't miss it, she's draped this old blue tarp over a few crates. Bit rough, but it gets the job done." 

Lucifer thanked the woman before going on his way. He looked around the area, searching for the place she had described. He found you, placing an unused trashed bag over a hole in your tarp. You didn't notice him lingering as you taped the bag down.

"Not exactly a five-star hotel is it?"

You jumped at the sound of his voice, turning to face him with unease. Lucifer took a step into the alley, making you take one back.

"Maybe not, but it does the trick."

He watched you shiver, saw the goosebumps on your skin as you stood there.

"I don't have any drawings left to sell if that's why you're here."

Lucifer looked around the place you called home.

"You don't have much of anything by the looks of it." He hummed.

Your unease was gone, replaced instead by annoyance and you crossed your arms. 

"It's better than what I had before... where I was before." 

Lucifer frowned, tilting his head.

"Anyway, if you're just here to comment on my living situation than kindly fuck off." 

Your words were bitter, a stark contrast to the actions you had displayed earlier. Lucifer walked closer to you, but you didn't seem as hesitant this time.

"I apologize that was rather rude of me, I assure you that isn't why I'm here."

"Then why are you?" You looked at him skeptically, like you didn't trust his words.

"I suppose your act of selflessness quipped my curiosity so, I've come to ask you why." 

You looked at him confused and a little lost, and he continued, further explaining himself.

"You gave that woman all the money you made, from those drawings I'm assuming you spent hours making. Then you gave her your blanket, which by the looks of things was your only source of warmth for the winter, despite how tattered the thin fabric was. I simply wish to know why that is. Why share everything when you have nothing to give?" 

You stared at him a moment, studying him as you tried to gauge if maybe he had ulterior motive beyond his question. However, it seemed he really was just curious.

"Her name is Edrsia, she's almost seventy-years-old. She's not on the streets by choice, her son took everything she had and pawned it off. Her husband passed years before, and she couldn't afford even a shoe box size apartment. She helped me, when I first started living on the streets. So, I give her what I can, whether I can spare it or not."

You expected him to be satisfied with your answer, maybe even leave you alone, but your response seemed to have the opposite effect.

"Yes but why? From what I can tell you're barely making it yourself. I simply cannot fathom why you'd give up what little you do have. Just because she helped you once, that hardly means you should risk your own well-being to return such a small act."

You smiled a little, offering a small shrug.

"I guess because it's just the human thing to do. I don't need a good reason to help someone, just a reason."

Lucifer pondered over your answer silently and you glanced back towards your makeshift tent.

"It's supposed to rain tonight, I really should-"

"Would you like a place to stay for a while?"

You almost tripped over yourself when you heard that.

"What?"

"Not for free of course, you see I rather like your art, and my bar could use a bit of...artistic flare."

You suspicion didn't go unnoticed by the handsome man, and he gave you a charming smile.

"The choice is yours, I'm merely offering you a warm place and a small job."

You mulled it over, he didn't come off as the type of person to play a joke this cruel. Yet, you suspected he had some underlining goal to this.

"What do you get out of this?"

Lucifer grinned, your question making him like you all the more.

"It's been my experience that humans can be rather selfish creatures, very few offer any real selflessness. If nothing else you can at least teach me a bit more about this side of humanity."

The deal seemed almost too good to be true, and a part of you wanted to refuse. But your shaking hands and the numbness in your limbs told you that you couldn't afford to be stubborn, not unless you wanted to freeze to death.

"Okay."

"Marvelous! Then if we have a deal-"

You shook your head, not moving to shake his outstretched hand.

"Not yet. I'm only agreeing if you help Edrsia, she doesn't have good health, she can't survive another year out here." 

Lucifer once again seemed surprised, but he nodded regardless.

"Consider it done, now do we have a deal?"

This time you did shake his hand, and let out a yelp when he tugged on your arm pulling you to his side. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, leading you down the street.

"Goodness you're chilled to the bone darling, here take this."

Lucifer released you to remove his jacket, but you shook your head looking almost ashamed.

"I live on the streets, showers aren't a luxury I can afford."

He ignored your protest draping the material over your shoulders, despite your words you quickly pulled it tighter around you.

"I don't mind my dear, it's not your fault."

You looked up at him smiling a bit.

"Thank you... I never got your name."

"Oh dear how rude of me to skip introductions, my name is Lucifer Morningstar."

"It's nice to meet you Lucifer, I'm Y/N."

He raised an eyebrow, but the smile never left his lips.

"No last name?" He inquired.

"Does it matter?" 

He hummed a little at your answer but didn't pry.

"I suppose not, well come on love, let's get you out of the cold."

You didn't argue when he placed a hand on your back, and you fought back grateful tears. Lucifer watched you from the corner of his eye, a soft smile on his lips, his heart swelling at the hope in your eyes.

Maybe you could teach the devil a thing or two about the better side of humanity.

..................................................................................

Tag List: @sallyp-53 @mizzezm @adira-secrets @we-are-all-alittle-strange-here @gingernarwal @im-just-along-for-the-ride @lifeshortbro @star-trek-is-my-lifesource @measure-in-pain @emiwrites3reads

#lucifer morningstar x reader #lucifer x reader #luciferonfox #lucifernetflix #luciferonnetflix #lucifer morningstar oneshot #lucifer morningstar imagine #lucifer morningstar imagines #lucifer morningstar #lucifer morningstar x you

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

[chokememrstark]

The Soulmate Sam Never Asked For // Part 4

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2425 (Chapter 4 / 12)

Fic Summary: When Lucifer suddenly fails to come to class, Sam begins to feel absolutely awful. Things get so bad that he seeks the help of a school counselor, only to find out Lucifer had dropped out for an undefined period of time. He gets a hint, however, that it's because of family issues, and in a desperate attempt to stop himself from feeling like he's falling apart, Sam tries to find Lucifer. When he does, however, he finds out much more than he expected.

college!AU, human!AU, soulmates!AU, dysfunctional families, abusive parents, dramatic romance, or romantic drama, your choice, big brother!Lucifer, soulmates hating each other, referenced alcoholism, death and abuse, some violence, and lots of feels, fluff and cuteness, some drama but not too much, lots of bickering, and two damn stubborn soulmates (!!)

Note: My lovely beta reader @brieflymaximumprincess called this a rom-com and even though I don’t believe it is, in my eyes, it does have certain elements of it. This is not the angst you know from me, not at all.

Yes, there is some drama, but there is also a lot of sweet and cute moments, much more than the dramatic ones. I guess you could say I accidentally wrote cute fluff? Because it was not intended, but here we are.

This fic is already completed and will be posted by the regular schedule from now on: Thuesday, Thursday and Saturday! So, enjoy ♥

Tagging: @shebahda   @sassysupernaturalsweetheart    @spnyoucantkeepmedown  @brieflymaximumprincess @multifandomhcsforinsanity @etysky @justasmalltownsuperwholock @humongouscandycoffee​ @daddycasstiel @nnegann​ @blakechaos08

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

 If Sam thought things between Lucifer and him couldn’t get more awkward than before, the following days proved him dead wrong. After their encounter in the toilets even the platonic greetings and farewells stopped, and Lucifer refused to even look at Sam directly or acknowledge his presence at all. Despite wanting to be glad about that - after all it meant he wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore - Sam felt really shitty when he was suddenly faced with this kind of rejection.

 Rejection was a weird word for someone he didn’t even like ignoring him, but it felt exactly like that. Not that he was the kind of person to need constant attention or validation, but it was pretty obvious that Lucifer was giving him the cold shoulder, even when Sam tried to keep up his greetings at first. He quickly stopped his attempts, however, because the cold silence he got in return made him feel like an utter fool. After two days he just sat down quietly and tried to ignore the other next to him.

 Sam might have gotten used to this change of events after a while if it wasn’t for Lucifer suddenly failing to come to class after another week. Sam was confused at first, but as the days passed he began to worry. His anxiety had come back by now, accompanied by an awful nausea, which only worsened his well-being and made it much harder to stay on track. It got so bad that he had to leave one of his lectures early and finally decided to do something about it.

 Since he didn’t know much about Lucifer, other than that he had three brothers and a shitty father, Sam had no idea where to look for him. He decided to go to one of the school’s counselors in the end, it was worth a shot at least as he couldn’t just walk through town and knock on every door by himself. Luckily he was the only one waiting at the moment, as classes were still ongoing, so he didn’t have to sit there for too long. The counselor was a woman named Ellen, who signalled for Sam to sit right away.

 “I hope I’m not disturbing you,” Sam immediately apologized and shifted in his seat. “But I wondered if you could help me with a co-student of mine. He hasn’t been to class in a while and I’m worried.”

 “Of course you’re not disturbing me,” Ellen said with a smile and looked over her papers quickly. “You’re Sam, right? Sam… Winchester?”

 “That’s me, yes,” Sam nodded awkwardly.

 “Well, we don’t usually give out personal information about our students, but maybe I can still help you.”

 “I thought you’d say that, but it’s really important. I know he dropped out for two years already and I worry he might be away for longer again.”

 “Oh!” Ellen’s face showed a slight hint of concern and understanding for a moment, but she collected herself again quickly and sighed. “It’s about Lucifer, am I right?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Yes, Lucifer was actually here last week to talk about this.”

 “And?” Sam didn’t know why this woman couldn't just tell him what was going on, was it that difficult? “What did he say?”

 “Wait a second,” Ellen said and pulled a sheet of paper out from a different pile on her desk. “Ah yes, here. There are some family issues that forced him to take a break, but he will be back soon.”

 “How soon is ‘soon’?” Sam asked confused. “A week? Two? A month?”

 “No time frame, just the note that a family member is hospitalized and needs his support. I’m sorry,” she put the paper back down, looking into Sam’s shocked and pale face. “I wish I could tell you more, but that’s all the information I have.”

 “Alright… thanks…” Sam felt numb when he stood up and walked out of the room.

 Now he felt even worse for his selfish way of thinking. Lucifer had to deal with more than just some anxiety and he sat there, demanding to know when he would come back and being a selfish prick about it. As if Lucifer owed him anything. Instead of going back to class - Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate anyways - he decided to retreat to his room and lay down for a bit. There was no way he could sleep, but he didn’t know what else to do with himself.

 While laying there with his eyes open and staring at the ceiling, Sam began to wonder if he should do anything about the current situation. Of course he couldn’t bring Lucifer back, that was ridiculous and he was needed right now, but maybe he could do something else? Ellen had said something about a hospital, maybe it wasn’t far away and if Lucifer had to take care of a family member, probably his brother, he might be there most of the time. It was a wild thought, considering their relationship - or the lack of it - but it stuck with Sam. He didn’t want to anger Lucifer by just showing up, but now that he knew it was kind of the next logical thought.

 Sam sat up and glanced over to the clock. It was two in the afternoon, so if Lucifer was there he might still catch him. And if not? Well, then he would just get back here and wait for the other to return.

 He grabbed his backpack and phone, calling a taxi while he walked out of his dorm already. It only took a few minutes to arrive luckily and Sam asked the driver to take him to the Universal Medical Center. He figured that this was his best bet. When they drove past a flower shop on their way, Sam instructed the driver to turn around and wait for him while he got inside. If he would find Lucifer he didn’t want to come empty handed, that was rude, so he got a small bouquet of roses and carnations in bright colors and hopped back into the waiting taxi. Maybe he would embarrass himself, but if he did he would just give the flowers to someone else or the nurses and leave again.

 After finally arriving and paying the taxi driver, Sam hesitated a little. Wouldn’t it look very crazy if he just showed up with flowers randomly, without even knowing what had happened or if Lucifer wanted him to? Now that he thought of it, he wasn’t even supposed to know about the reason Lucifer was gone and it made him feel like a stalker when he looked down at the flowers in his hands.

 “If he’s here he’ll understand,” Sam sighed eventually, wishing he could believe his own words. “Or he’ll throw me out and tell me to fuck off.” That was a possibility too, he had to admit that. Eventually, Sam just forced his feet to walk inside, even though he was still nervous as hell. He had made it all the way out here after all, just leaving again without even trying seemed like a pretty cowardly way out.

 “Excuse me?” Sam said quietly when he stood in front of the information desk. The young woman behind the glass turned around and smiled at him.

 “Hello, sir!” she said overly friendly. Sam assumed she was instructed to act like this. “How may I help you?”

 “Well, I’m looking for a patient and wonder if he’s here. I don’t know his name though, I just know it’s a boy, either six or ten?”

 The woman gave him a very weird look, but apparently something made her refrain from telling him goodbye because she actually pulled up the keyboard of her computer.

 “Are you a family member?” she asked, even though it was pretty obvious that he wasn’t. “Do you have any additional information maybe?”

 “I think his brother is visiting him regularly, his name is Lucifer Milton?” Sam asked hopefully with the most friendly smile he had to offer. “He’s a classmate of mine and is missing for a few days, I’ve been told his brother is hospitalized and wanted to pay them a visit.”

 “Well, we have someone that fits your description here,” the woman said and squinted at her screen. “But visitors are strictly limited, I’m afraid. Only family members may visit this patient.”

 Sam’s hope was reduced to a hot stone in his stomach.

 “Is there nothing you can do?” he asked sadly.

 “This is really important for you, isn’t it?” the woman asked and Sam nodded quietly. “Okay, give me a moment.”

 Sam clutched the flowers tighter when she took the phone and waited impatiently.

 “Hello?” she said, listening for a minute before continuing. “Yes, I have a visitor here for you. What? No, no he didn’t tell me his name, he just-”

 “Sam!” Sam quickly said, loud enough for her to hear him. She nodded and continued.

 “Yes, he just said his name is Sam and he… yes, of course. I’ll tell him, thank you.” She hung up and turned back to the waiting boy.

 “Your friend will come over in a bit,” she said, smiling brightly. “You can sit down in the waiting area.”

 “Thank you,” Sam sighed relieved. “That means a lot to me.”

 He walked over to the seats in a corner, but even when he sat down he still felt very awkward and as if he was in the wrong place. So, Lucifer was really here. That was something. And if he came here now and was furious and angry that he just showed up and kept him away from his brother? Sam felt a cold shiver run down his spine at this thought and quickly shook his head in denial. No, Lucifer might not be happy, but he wouldn’t make a scene in here, no way. At least he hoped so.

 A few minutes passed and Sam kept looking over to the elevators, but Lucifer came from a different direction eventually and he didn’t look happy at all when he walked up to him. He was about to say something, probably nothing nice or friendly, when Sam jumped up and stopped him.

 “Before you get mad, I’m sorry,” he quickly said and held out the flowers for him to take. “The counselor told me why you were gone and I wanted to see how you’re doing, nothing more.”

 “How do you even know where I am?” Lucifer asked and raised his brow at Sam before inspecting the flowers in his hands. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

 “She said someone from your family was in a hospital and I just guessed,” Sam answered a bit ashamed and scratched his ear. “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay, that’s all. And, well, give you my best wishes, I guess.”

 Lucifer huffed, but didn’t reply. He nodded at Sam, signaling him to follow and again at the woman behind the info counter to let her know it was okay that he did so. Sam didn’t dare to speak, too intimidated and confused, so he just walked a few feet behind Lucifer through the corridors. When the blond finally stopped in front of a door he turned around with the handle between his fingers.

 “You’ll keep this to yourself, understood?” the blond asked serious and Sam nodded with a stern face.

 “Understood.”

 Lucifer opened the door and Sam followed him into the room. He heard the sounds of machines before seeing much, but where he expected a lot of tubes and wires, he just saw a young boy laying in a bed all by himself. If he wouldn’t know better, Sam would have never guessed this was Lucifer’s brother. The boy was not only dark skinned and had short, black hair, unlike his fair skinned, blond and blue-eyed big brother, but all of his features were completely different too. He had his eyes closed, but when Lucifer shut the door behind them they fluttered open and a smile appeared on his face.

 “Luci?” he asked with a weak voice. His big brother immediately sat back down next to the bed and took one of his hands, in which Sam saw a needle and tubes sticking out.

 “I’m here, don’t worry,” Lucifer said calmly and brushed his brother’s hand gently. “Raphael, this is Sam, a friend of mine.” There it was again, the word ‘friend’. It made Sam feel very conflicted. “He heard you’re feeling sick and wanted to visit you.”

 “That’s so nice of you,” the boy smiled and looked at Sam. The smile the older one returned was very difficult because he could see that the boy was very, very sick.

 “Hey Raphael,” Sam said overly friendly and walked over to Lucifer. “Does your big brother take good care of you?”

 “Always,” Raphael smiled proudly. “Luci always takes care of me.”

 “That’s very sweet of him.” Sam kind of liked the little one and he felt very sad to see him so sick. “I brought you some flowers to cheer you up, do you like flowers?”

 “Yes!” the boy said excited and his smile grew brighter. “They look so pretty! Luci can we put them on the table, please?”

 “Of course, Raph,” Lucifer answered. He got up and walked over to a sink in the corner where he got some water and a vase for the flowers. Sam followed him with his eyes and only now realized that there was someone else in the room too. Hidden almost completely under pillows and blankets, slept an even younger boy.

 “There you go!” Lucifer pulled Sam out of his staring suddenly and he turned back around. “Do they look good here?”

 “Perfect!” Raphael decided and couldn’t take his eyes off the colorful flowers anymore.

 “Raph, I’ll go get something to eat for us, okay? Do you want something special?” Lucifer asked, earning a giggle from his little brother.

 “Pudding! And ice cream!”

 “Of course,” Lucifer chuckled. “I’ll see if I can bribe the nurses. If Gabe wakes up tell him I’ll be back in a few minutes, will you?”

 “Of course, Luci,” Raphael groaned and rolled his eyes. Lucifer nodded, grabbed Sam’s hand and literally pulled the other out of the room again. Sam didn’t know what to make of Lucifer’s behavior, especially when he had acted so differently before, but he followed him without asking any questions - not that he would have had any say in the matter, Lucifer’s grip was tight and the pulling very determined.

#samifer #sam x lucifer #sam winchester #spn lucifer #myfics #soulmate!au #college!au #human!au #multi chapter fic

[hellsangelsheavensrejects]

Present Day: Recompense Come

Wynonna

Someone in the universe had a mighty big sense of humor with a little hardon of cruelty dashed in. At least that's what it felt like when Wynonna saw him, John Constantine, coming towards the part of the bar she'd parked herself at. He hadn't seen her yet. If she worked it just right she could get away with him none the wiser.

John

Somewhere between leaving the US and the moment he's made his way towards that bar, John Constantine had broken a curse and reacquired the demonic taint he'd deliberately locked away years prior. By sleeping with his friendly neighbourhood succubus Ellie, to regain enough power to ... well, to make sure he'd be strong enough to deal with Mormo the next time she came around.

He'd also gotten in the way when Father Gregor had tried to throw Holy Water (the real deal, it turned out) at the demon they had spent their afternoon fighting and hit John across the arm and jaw, searing his skin.

John would later think that he should be forgiven for not recognizing the familiar curves, the leather jacket, the razor sharp jaw ... the curls that were now just a little longer, when he slid into a chair and gestured for a drink. You know. Given the fact that not two hours earlier, his skin had nearly boiled off.

Wynonna

Her eyes stayed on him as he made his way to a chair. The whole of him looked rough. And not in the usual way that made her want to take his tie and-- Nope. Not going there. But he does look hurt. What happened? The question bounced around in her mind as gave Peacemaker a pat.

She would have made it. If she hadn't zigged when one of the women carrying drinks to tables hadn't zagged and gotten so off balance that she fell backwards. Right towards him. Like she'd thought: Someone had a sense of humour. It just wasn't her.

John

A crash and a clatter drew his attention and his new, quicker reflexes had him reaching out both for whatever large thing he could see falling towards him from the corner of his eyes and magic.

His hand clamped on an arm dressed in soft, wellworn leather and when John pulled up the young woman he had just rescued from a nasty fall with a smirk and a "Careful, luv.", it took him a moment to recognize the eyes staring up him.

Blazing angrily.

When he did recognize them, the narrow, angular face, the defined lips ... his heart tumbled out of his chest, crashed into his stomach and made him feel sick.

"Wynonna...", he muttered and let go of her as if burned. As if touching her caused him pain.

Wynonna

"Oh you remember me?" The remark left her before she could truly think about it. When it caught up with her, she cursed under her breath and looked down for a moment. While it had come out like a dig, she hadn't meant it as such.

Some of her softness left, edged out by quickly returning anger when he released her with the swiftness of someone who had just grabbed something that was white hot. It stung at her, digging deeper into that already there hurt.

(Really she wouldn't be surprised if her heart looked like swiss cheese by now.)

Wy rolled her shoulders back and stood tall, gaze daring him to say something. Anything.

John

John huffed, face twisting into a painful smile. "Clever.", he replied. "Yeah, real clever ...", he swallowed the endearment that wanted to jump from his tongue.

His eyes skittered away from her out of their own volition, scanning the room with a painful sinking feeling.

"He here, too?"

Wynonna

"Didn't mean it like that but if the trench coat fits..." She watched John look for Harry, even then. Wynonna scoffed softly and shook her head. "No. He's not here. I don't know where he is, actually. But my guess is that he wouldn't want to see you even if he was. You have to know that."

John

"Yeah ...", John agreed, voice quiet and toneless as he looked away from her, finding the drink the bartender set in front of him somewhere in the few seconds he'd been dreading (hoping, don't fucking kid yourself, Con Job) to see Harry. "I know tha'.", his lip curled into a sneer. Disgusted with himself. "Don' worry, he won' have t' see me ever again."

Wynonna

Her eyes lingered on him and it took more effort than she'd ever admit to keep from reaching for him. When everything with the three of them had imploded no one had escaped the shrapnel from it. The fallout was still raining down and everything. Still. Hurt. One shoulder rose up in a quick shrug.

"Even if he does you could always just mojo it away no problem." Wynonna pursed her lips before reaching past him and taking his drink for herself. Because why not? Alcohol certainly won't make the pain worse.  "Did you love him?" She asked after drinking down about half the glass.

John

A part of him wished he had the energy left to get angry at her for the accusation. The selfish, self preserving part of him. The rest, however? All the parts that were tender and raw still, they nodded.

"Yeah.", he agreed, loathing and sarcasm dripping of the word and twisting his face into a grimace.

And then, suddenly, she was in his space and the warm scent of coconut wrapped around him, made his fingers twitch with how much he wanted to reach out. Pull her close and into all the cracks of him that losing her along with Harry had left.

Something stopped him. A burn just under his skin, starting where her hip nearly touched his and he looked down. Right there, in its holster, sat Peacemaker. Sigils flaring to life along its barrel. She hadn't seemed to have noticed it. Not yet. Too preoccupied with her anger, maybe.

But he had no time to contemplate that. Not when Wynonna asked that simple little question that hit him in the chest like a bullet from her gun.

It drove hot tears to his eyes and wrenched a painful sob from him. Again, he looked away from her, tried to ignore the nausea that was building slowly. "Wha'ssit ma'er now?", he asked around his tight throat. "I cocked i' up, nothin' to say to make da' right. No' when I knew wha' Justin did to him an' did i' anyway, cause I couldn' ge' over me bloody ego.", now he'd started, the words didn't want to stop. "I thought I was so fuckin' smart. So much fuckin' stronger than 'im. I could take it, I thought. 'e can't. No' when 'e might want fuckin' kids one day. Can' ge' your nice li'le white picket fence American dream with the knowledge a demon will come for your kids, Eh?"

Wynonna

The drink in her hand--what was left of it, anyway--was cold and comforting. It gave her something to hold on to so that she wouldn't lean into Constantine like she wanted to. She nodded along with him. "Could even mojo me too." As if that had just occurred to her...Which it had. "If you haven't already, right?"

Wynonna's gaze dipped down when she realized that the low hum she was hearing wasn't bar related. No, that deep, formerly comforting sound of Peacemaker flaring to life so it could do what it needed to do was real. Was now. Because it was resting against his skin.

Her mind flashed back to that long ago night at the hotel with Harry. When Peacemaker had woken her from heavy sleep because Lash was in his head. To the way the gun would flare to life in reaction to the Mantle. "John what did you--"

Then she fell silent, dread making her heart drop into her stomach when his words caught up to her. Wynonna didn't reach for Peacemaker but she did grab his jacket, yanking him closer. He didn't know. Harry hadn't told him and neither had she. God they were all so fucking stupid. "What the hell do you mean that a demon will come for his kids?"

John

Another snort of pained laughter. "Yeah, if I haven' yet.", he echoed and then, because he was watching her from the corner of his eyes, he saw her face change. He saw the penny hit the ground for the first time and bounce back up in the air.

He expected her question and still, he heard Harry's accusation there, twisting his heart further like barbed wire wrapping tightly around it.

There wasn't really an explanation for what he'd done. Not one he could just lay out there for her in that moment.

And then the penny dropped again.

Ting

And the universe flicked another one in the air.

The world tilted off kilter.

Not because Wynonna nearly dragged him out of his chair, but because he could see the fear in her eyes. Because her question wasn't phrased to relate to a mere possibility. Will. Not would.

John's own penny dropped like a hollow point bullet to his gut.

"He's go' kids…", John whispered tonelessly, blue eyes wide. "You've go' kids. You two … got kids."

Wynonna

Her own curiosity about how far his memory rewrites was completely and utterly forgotten. At that moment she didn't give a damn about herself or what he may or may not have done to her. Her mind had been screwed with before. It could wait.

The grip on his coat tightened as she basically dragged him out of the bar. A bouncer moved toward them, ostensibly to see if any sort of intervention was needed. Wynonna flashed her BBD badge and shook her head at him. "I've got this, thanks."

When they're outside she looks up at him, still not relinquishing her hold on his stupid trench coat. "Guess he never got around to telling you about them." Wy let sharp cruelty edge into her voice because if any kindness slipped in she would fucking break then and there. "He has two. A daughter with Susan. And with me. Two kids, John."

John

He followed along, numb and silent for once. Teeth clenched, breathing hard through his nose, throat working to keep down the threat of being sick. The alcohol he'd consumed even before coming to the bar trying to crawl out of his stomach in a hot wave.

Harry had children.

Harry remembered.

Mormo … was still out there.

"No…", his voice was still toneless. "No … he never told me...", neither had she. Fuck, they'd been together for seven months back then and she hadn't even told him the name of the man who's death had devastated her.

"Two children …", he echoed, staring at the spot below her collarbone. Where the neckline of her shirt revealed a glimpse of a familiar chain. Did that chain still hold the pendant he'd given her?

He sucked in a shuddering breath and looked up at her, a spot right under her left eye. "I go'a go. I go' favours to call in. 's abou' time I drew a final line with tha' bitch."

Wynonna

"Guess maybe he didn't trust you as much as you thought." Even as she spoke the words, she knew that wasn't it at all. Harry had trusted him. Implicitly. It was why everything had cut so deep for him.

Wynonna watched Constantine continue to work through everything, her own mind feeling full while her heart felt heavy. She nodded at the repetition. "Two little girls." She didn't say their names, knowing that was information that could be used against them as well.  His gaze strayed toward her chest and if they'd been in any kind of place for it, she would have called him out on it.

She shook her head. Within seconds Peacemaker was out of its holster and held up to John's forehead. The gun glowed in the dark of the night, humming lowly as she did. "No. You're not goin' anywhere. Not yet. You're going to tell me why my gun's so friendly with you now and explain why your Goddamn ego might get two kids dragged down like Astra."

The magic of the gun tingled against his skin, the demonic blood trying to escape the touch. A cruel smile twisted his mouth and he reached up to curl his hand around hers. Tightening her fingers around the gun and pressing his forehead against the muzzle.

"Don' poin' a gun a' somethin' you don' intend to shoot, luv.", he hissed. "Every moment we stand here, those two li'le girls are in danger. You really wanna play 20 Questions righ' now? Yeah. Then lemme give you a short rundown. And if you think tha's worth riskin your child's life over, you be'er be prepared to pull tha' trigger."

And right there, standing in the dark, his hand holding hers still, the gun to his forehead and searing his skin, he told her everything. Trying to save Astra's soul with their hair brained scheme, Mormo vowing to kill them for the spell they had concocted, going after Harry, nearly killing him, John wanting to save him, but not being strong enough to banish Mormo for good … and then making the hardest decision of his life.

Erasing himself from the memory of the man he loved.

He ended with: "And I fucked a demon. 'parrently tha' leaves a stain tha' your gun don't like."

Wynonna

Wynonna ignored the familiar zip of electricity that went through her when John wrapped his hand around hers and upped the ante by pressing the muzzle flush against his head. If things were different, she'd comment on how that ticked a few boxes for her.

"You think I won't?" Her voice was cold but there was the barest hint of wavering in the question. If she had to she would. But it would break her. She knew it.

But she fell silent, listening to John spin his yarn and explain what had happened. Wynonna pushed back the wave of emotions threatening to breach the calm, cold demeanor she was working to hold onto. Her gun was still pressed to Constantine's head. "Here's what's going to happen. You talk to whatever damned contacts you have. Call in your favors. Say whatever prayers or curses you have before you put up some sort of cloaking bullshit to hide them. If that doesn't work I'll send you to hell myself."

John

He was breathing heavily against the splitting pain radiating from where the gun touched him.

"I will.", he promised her then, jaw tight. "By the end of this, those kids are safe or I'm dead."

And when he found it in himself that he meant it, that he was fully prepared to die in the process of saving his former lovers' children or get on his knees in front of her so she could put a bullet through his head, his gaze moved up from where it had been fixed to her cheek and met her eyes for the first time.

Any resistance he might have put up against a Soulgaze before, he willed away. Laying his dirty, tainted, terrible soul out for her ...

Wynonna

Being drawn into a Soulgaze was something she'd only experienced once before. With Harry. It started out the same way, sensation wise. With Wynonna feeling like she was tumbling down a tunnel with no clear light at the end.

She saw small John Constantine being berated by his father. "Killer." Mucus Membrane. The Newcastle incident with Astra. Every trick and stunt he pulled and the loathing that often laid behind it. Nights with Harry and the love he felt for him. ...Love he felt for her too. Guilt. Fear. Anger. Hope. There was so much in there that it made her breath catch.

John

The world fell away as he let himself be drawn into her, racing through images and emotions.

The gun in his her small hand, the shot, his her father dead, running, running, running from a responsibility too heavy, from the hatred, from the name calling, the gun back in his her hand …

Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry, the child.

Harry's death.

John.

Both of them.

And all of it, underneath the pain and the guilt … woven into it, drifting through it like the smoke of his cigarettes, love.

Love for her sister.

For her daughter.

For Harry.

…

…

…

For John.

He came out of the Soulgaze gasping for breath, wet asphalt under his knees and palms and tears finally, finally falling.

Wynonna

Overwhelmed didn't even begin to describe how Wynonna felt as the Soulgaze ended. Though it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, it had felt like so much longer. So much shit that Constantine had to wade through. But Goddamn it. Damn him. Damn Harry. Damn her. He was good intentioned.

Peacemaker's light winked out as her hand fell away from him, her other arm wrapping around her midsection as she attempted to catch her breath. Her own eyes blurry with tears. Try as she might, she couldn't hold them back either. "You asshole." She cried with frustration. "I wish I could hate you."

John

His laughter was breathless and bordering on hysterical, just for a moment. Then he looked up at her, brows drawn into a pained frown. "Yeah …", he muttered "Yeah, I wish you would."

The echo of her love for him was still rattling around his chest, the feeling of it making his skin feel raw, as if even his familiar, well worn clothing was chafing him.

"I really, really wish you would.", it would be so much easier to walk away after this. Once he had made it right, once he had made sure the children were safe …  when he would need to leave her.

His hands pressed hard against the pavement, he took a few steadying breaths, before he pushed himself back to his feet. "If you have a way of contactin'im, do so. Make sure the kids are alright. I uh … my promise still stands, bu' if you still don' believe me … if you think I'll bail … you have my name, from my own mouth. Do you still have the amulet?"

Wynonna

"If I could...I would. It would hurt less." Apparently it was far easier to be honest this soon after a Soulgaze, with her defenses down and broken. Her other hand rested on Peacemaker, this time for comfort rather than the need to try and intimidate John.

Wynonna looked back at Constantine. Without a word she unwound her arm from around her middle to bring her necklace out from under her shirt. It swung loose now, the amulet from John and a charm from Harry as telling about her feelings as the damn Soulgaze had been.

"Ma--" She'd almost said her name. "I know one is safe. Hidden away." Anyone would have to be absolutely reckless and stupid to try and breach the defenses that surrounded the Carpenter household.

John

Not only had she kept the amulet, it still hung exactly where Harry had put it after John had given it to Wynonna. Together with Harry's own charm …

It would be shocking if he hadn't seen exactly where her feelings for both of them still stood. A thought nagged at him.

'What does Harry think about that?'

He didn't ask the question, instead, he nodded and pushed a hand into his coat pocket to retrieve a pocket knife. He'd barely flicked it open with a blunt nail before he pressed the sharp tip to the palm of his hand.

"Gimme the amulet."

The fresh wound wasn't deep, but deep enough to weep a few drops of blood that he pressed to the metal, whispering a spell under his breath. He could feel the connection being made, like a silk ribbon being drawn through his veins from his heart to the wound and he wince before he pulled his hand away and pressed his palm to his mouth to watch the blood being sucked into the crevices of the pendant.

The sharp, acidic sting of his own tainted blood on his tongue made him wrinkle his nose before he continued to speak.

"A promise spell. You get one wish from me 'n I'm beholden to carry i' out or suffer consequences. Use it now to compel me to save your daughters or save it to summon me when you need me. Your choice. Either way, should be security tha' I'm no' bout to run."

Wynonna

She handed the necklace over without question, silently watching the process with appraising eyes. It was something she'd seen from him dozens of times. And, just like with Harry, it was always an interesting thing to watch. Let's not get sentimental, Earp. That'll do jack shit for you in the long run, remember?

Any other time she would have laughed at the way he'd used beholden or the notion of a promise spell. As it was she nodded and took back the necklace, resting her hand against it for a moment before slipping it under her shirt once more.

"I don't think I need to compel your already guilty conscience," Wynonna told him. "But it's nice knowing that you won't just..." She trailed off and shook her head. "Whatever." A long moment of silence passed. "You ever fuck with my head, Constantine?"

John

His fingers had started fumbling for his cigarettes in that quiet where both of them seemed to be looking for what to say, while being unwilling to just turn and leave. He'd just put the white stick between his lips when her question hit and he sent her a sad little smile.

"'xcept for tha' time we played strip poker 'n I made you believe I coul' outplay your three Queens?", he tried to joke, but the smile dropped immediately and he shook his head. "Never. No' even once."

Wynonna

Despite everything his not quite landing joke still managed to eek out a whisper of a smile from her, though it was as brief as his had been. "Thanks for that." Which might have been an odd thing to say to your ex...whatever the hell he'd been but when had she ever done things normally?

"Later on I'll have to...See if I can't summon the Winter Knight. Saying his boss' name three times brings her around so maybe it's the same for him." Though Wynonna wasn't in a rush to say his name. It hurt. Far too much.

John

"Mab ...", John muttered, teeth clenching tight enough so he could hear the crackle of it in his ears. The fairy bitch who had been trying to manipulate all three of them. Who had organised that little reunion of theirs and who had made sure that Harry had had a reason to seek John out again afterwards.

"If I never 'ave to 'ear 'er name again, i'll be too soon.", he grumbled and took a drag from his cigarette. Another moment of silence and then, for the second time since they had first met, he presented her with his business card.

John Constantine Warlock Phone 021....

Nothing more than that.

"In case you need to ge' hold of me the mundane way."

Wynonna

"Yeah, good luck with that. It's about as likely as never hearing--" Wynonna stopped short, realizing that the comment she was about to make would have been bordering on cruel.

No need for that, Wynonna. He knows how you feel now.

Instead she looked down at the card fingers tracing over the slightly raised lettering. One eyebrow rose up. "No more 'Master of the Dark Arts'?"

John

"Notice tha', huh?", he replied dully, not quite looking at her. Habit or lingering guilt, he wasn't going to question it. "Was a bit pretentious. Master. Wassnit?"

The hadn that mechanically put the cigarette to his mouth was shaking. The effects of the day, the exorcism, his injury and now ... this, settling into his muscles and making them weak. God he needed sleep.

"I know where to start, who to ask.", he said finally. "I'll find you when I'm done."

Cigarette between his lips he reached up to pull the collar of his coat higher, tighter against his injured neck, before stuffing both hands into his pockets and turning away from her without another word.

Wynonna

There was more she could have said. Wanted to. But her mind was already sliding back toward the drinks behind the bar and the lonely hotel bed she wanted to slip into. Wynonna watched him walk away and she felt her breathing catch.

All because of her stupid heart.

"Be careful, John Constantine. I don't want to kill you but I will for them."

~finis~

#arc: Whiskey Gunpowder and Magic #Present day #Post Cold Days #Recompense Come #thenewcastleincident #nowmakeyourpeace #finished threads #Discord RP archives #you two gave me feels all over again #dammit