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axelsagewrites · 1 year

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Jon Snow*Home Alone

Pairing: Modern!Jon Snow x f!reader

Summary: Jon and the reader finally get the flat to themselves and want to make use of the freedom

Warnings: fingering, teasing, f!receiving oral 18+

Word count: 1298

GIF by thatonekimgirl

Masterlist here

You had half an hour before you had to leave and Jon was still curled into your side, refusing to let go. “I’m gonna be late,” you said but it came out as more of a laugh.

Jon nuzzled his face into your neck, “No one even uses High Valyrian anymore why do you need to study it?” You laughed as he wrapped his arms even tighter around your waist. “Just email in sick,” Jon pouted.

“I need to study,”

“I’ll help you study,”

You laughed remembering the last time he had said that “Look how well that went last night,”

“I think it went very well,” Jon grinned as he finally removed his head from your neck at the memory. “I never knew you could bend like that,” You rolled your eyes as you hit his shoulder, but Jon only laughed, “C’mon. Lemme give you a reason to stay in bed,”

“What reasons that?” you laughed as Jon finally released your waist only to grab you by your hips before pulling you on top of him to straddle his waist. You settled into the position, his morning wood under his boxers pressing into you, “I have 20 minutes before I need to go and im not even dressed yet,” you protested, putting your hand on his chest to keep you steady.

Jons hands went on top of yours, “This is like the one time no one else is in though. We're finally home alone," he said, eyebrows wiggling causing you to laugh.

“Yeah, cause they’re in class,” you teased, leaning down to kiss his lips. It was supposed to be a quick peck, but Jons hand moved to the back of your neck, the other to your hip, as he captured your lips into a desperate kiss. His hips bucked up beneath you and you couldn’t help yourself grinding down onto his hard length. His fingers squeezed into the flesh of your hips as you began to grind against him. Finally, you broke the kiss, glancing at the clock before back at Jon, “I suppose missing one class wouldn’t be the worst,”

“Yeah?” Jon asked, “Because you know I value your studies,” he teased.

“Oh, shut up,” you laughed shoving his chest, “You’re the one who got us into this position,”

“I could stop,” Jon said, moving his hands away with a smirk.

You rolled your eyes before diving back down for another kiss, “I never said that” Jon ignored your taunts, desperate for your kiss. His lips fit perfectly with yours. His hands returned to your hips as you began to grind down onto his clothed cock. Jon broke the kiss to flip you back onto your back, “Make up your mind,” you giggled.

His lips moved to kiss your neck and you silenced your protest. You moaned softly as he left sloppy kisses to your skin. His hand moved in between your thighs, his finger dragging a slow line up your wet cunt before he smirked, “No panties?”

You had fell asleep after your shower in his shirt but without putting any on. If his hand wasn’t between your legs, you may have argued but Jon just smirked as his finger trailed your folds, “Stop teasing,” you whined.

“But it’s so much fun,” Jon said as his hand fell away causing you to whine but it was silenced by his lips crashing onto yours.

As his tongue explored your mouth you felt his hand trail up your thighs before finally returning to your wet pussy. You shivered as he ran a finger up your slit before he finally moved two fingers in. you moaned into the kiss but did not break it. your hands tangling in his hair as his fingers began to curl inside of you.

“You look so hot in that shirt,” Jon praised as his lips fell from yours only to begin sucking light hickeys onto your neck. “You should wear it more often. Just the shirt,” his lips left hot kisses to your neck, his fingers still curling inside of you.

“Please,” you moaned at his touch.

“Please what sweetheart?” Jon grinned as he hovered his face just over yours, lips just out of reach.

You could feel his hot breath fanning your cheeks driving you insane, “Please just fuck me already,” you begged.

Jon laughed and placed a kiss to your check, “Not yet baby,” he cooed, “Just relax and let me take care of you first, okay?” Jons lips finally closed the gap, moving against yours with slow passion. His fingers moved to the speed of the kiss, and you were desperate to speed it up, but Jon wanted to enjoy this sight.

A pressure began to build in your stomach as Jons thumb rubbed your clit and his fingers hit the right spot. You were moaning into the kiss and the vibrations of it alone was already making Jon hard and desperate. He broke the kiss, his breathing hard and his eyes filled with lust, “I wanna taste you,” he said before moving down your body.

His lips began to latch to your skin around your hips, pressing rough, sloppy kisses down your body, till he was kissing your inner thighs. He kissed your inner thigh, nibbling the skin gently between his teeth before turning his attention to your wet pussy. You shivered as his warm breath fanned over your wet folds, desperate for his tongue. You whined, gripping his hair softly in your fingers. Jon just chuckled.

“I’m gonna enjoy this love,” he said, placing a soft kiss to your mound, “I wanna make you scream,” he added before suddenly licking up your folds. You gasped as his tongue began to leave gentle kitten licks up your cunt almost painfully slowly. Jons hands gripped your hips to stop them from bucking as he slowly began to increase the pressure and the pace of his tongue.

Moans and soft whines fell from your lips as Jons tongue worked you up, a knot building in your stomach. When his nose began to nuzzle your clit, a loud moan ripped through your throat causing Jons own moan. The vibrations against your cunt sent chills up your spine. Your fingers gripped his hair tighter, but Jon was not complaining as his tongue worked its wonders.

One of Jons hands moved from your hip to your pussy, slowly teasing your desperate hole. Jon slipped two fingers back inside, curling them with precision, while his tongue moved north. He began to lightly suck on your clit, pulling it into his mouth gently. The feeling made your toes curl as moans raged your body. “Fuck Jon,” you moaned as his fingers began to hit new spots.

The pressure was almost too much in your stomach until your felt his teeth gently graze your bud and the pressure washed over your body like a flood. A loud whiney moan came from your lips as your grinded your cunt into Jons face as you rode your orgasm. Jons tongue did not stop till he felt you collapse onto the bed like a puddle.

Jon came up from between your legs with a massive grin, his face wet with your juices. “You are amazing,” he praised as he moved to lay beside you.

You couldn’t respond as you panted for breath, eyelids drooping from the ordeal. Jon chuckled gently as he pulled you into his arms for a cuddle, nuzzling his face into your skin, placing soft kisses to it. you looked up at him with hooded eyes and admired his loving face gazing back. Jon placed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “Thank you,” was all you could think to say as you came down from it all.

You felt the vibrations of Jons chest as he chuckled, “You're welcome love. Better than class?”

“Way fucking better,”

Game of Thrones Taglist: @clairacassidy @nyotamalfoy

A/N: Accidentally put this in my queue instead of my drafts so it posted before i got a chance to format and tag ppl so sorry about that lol

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killerlookz · 2 years

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𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐌𝐞 𝐎𝐮𝐭 | Brian Wilcox x Gn! Reader

description: a fic very loosely! based on im not okay by my chemical romance in which, reader often seeks out their best friend brian's help regarding their failing relationship with their boyfriend, but never seems to listen. and brian gets frustrated that reader won't break up with their boyfriend for more reasons than just them not being treated right.

content: lots of angsty teen stuff. vague reference to leaked intimate photos. best friends to "enemies" (using that word loosely) to lovers, angst, cheating, comfort, first kiss, fluff!!! (happy ending)

word count: 3285

"I just don't understand why you have such an interest in us breaking up!" You snapped, staring at your best friend's expressionless face as he sits on the edge of your bed. Suddenly, that changed, his eyebrows furrowed, and he grimaced, shaking his head.

"Why?" He retorted with equal force to you, throwing up his arms in disbeleif, "Because he fucking treats you like shit!"

"Not like shit, Brian. You're being overdramatic." You cross your arms over your chest defensively.

"Like SHIT y/n, I'm not having this argument with you again." He runs a hand through his greasy black hair, the strands lifting up from their spot thrown over his forehead as they fall through his fingers. "You know y/n, you claim to have all these fucking problems, but you don't, everything wrong in your life would just be solved if you broke up with him, and I keep telling you this, and you never fucking listen, I have no advice left to give you, I'm sick of hearing about this, I'm worn out." He rants.

"Brian!" You scold in a weak, faint voice, tears welling up in your eyes. "Well, who's the one treating me like shit now?" You huff.

"Don't start with that," He gestures his pointer finger at you, shaking it up and down. "You told me you wanted my honest opinion, I'm being honest, it's not my fault you don't want to hear it."

"Well you tell me he treats me like shit but never tell me why all you say is to break up with him. I feel stuck, like I have no other options."

"Don't tell you why?- Because you do that for me. Every. Single. TIme you bitch to me." Brian sighs, frustration deep within his heavy breaths. "Come on y/n, don't be stupid, everyone's seen those pictures he took of you."

Your throat goes dry and you swallow viciously while sucking in a hard breath through your nose. Your face contorts with discontent, and your jaw clenches. For a moment you're suddenly transported back to the most humiliating weeks of your life. You can still feel the stares of your judgemental classmates burning into your body, with knowing eyes, aware of parts of you that they shouldn't have been. You can hear their whispers and giggles swarm around your head.

"That was fucking low, Brian." A tear rolls down your face which you quickly wipe away using the entire back of your hand. You shake your head, knitting your brows, "It was an accident-" You choke.

"You and I both know that's not true." Brain mutters.

"Why are you being so cruel." Your voice begins to crack as you can feel a sob coming on. Brian's reaction isn't exactly what you expected, most times you ranted about your boyfriend Brian was usually there to give you a hug, and to comfort you. Sure, he'd usually tell you to break up with your boyfriend, (in less friendly terms than that), but still, he'd at least always offer some sort of positivity.

Brian takes a deep inhale, "Because," then he exhales, "You wear me out."

"Do I?" You sneer, unsure of whether to be more sad or angry.

"Look, I don't mean to like make you upset, or let you down, or whatever," He speaks rapidly, shaking his head and screwing his eyes shut tight. "But I think it's better off you if you just hear the truth."

"But Brian," You sigh, "I can tell you're not telling the whole truth."

"That's on you." He crosses his arms, "I'm not arguing anymore, I have my own shit to worry about, I can't keep dealing with your problems. Try taking a good hard look at yourself sometime, and maybe you'll actually understand where I'm coming from."

You don't respond, only staring at Brian through misty eyes. As your breath falters, trying your best to hold back a full-on sob, you try took look for some semblance of warmth from Brian, just an ounce of comfort. Despite how upsetting Brian's words were, you knew that just the smallest amount of consolation would make you feel better, even if he just gave you a loose hug, that always worked, that always made you feel better, why couldn't he just do that?

"I gotta go," he huffs, "See you around."

You can't bear to look at him as he gets off his spot on your bed. You continue to say silent, your arms crossed around your chest, looking down at your legs. You can hear the sound of his footsteps walking out of the room, and the door closing on his way out, the shutting sound signaling you were now alone was an immediate trigger for the tears to come falling down your cheeks.

That's just it. You were alone.

The one person in your life that you could count on to make you feel better in times of need just walked right out the door without an ounce of hesitation. What were you to do now? Cry to your boyfriend about it? That would go over well. 'Hey babe, I really need someone right now, my best friend just stormed out of my room because he got frustrated about me always complaining about you.'

You sighed, throwing your head back on your pillow, your tears now running sideways down your face. The worst part is, you knew Brian was right. You had to break up with your boyfriend, and that would solve all of your problems. The two of you weren't in love, you weren't even sure that you had ever been. But with no boyfriend, how could you possibly deny your actual feelings for-

"Y/N! DINNER!" You heard your mother scream from the kitchen, cutting your thoughts off completely. Shit, you quickly wipe away the tears from your eyes, not in the mood to be questioned on why you were crying over dinner. You take a few deep breaths in and out, preparing yourself to act at least somewhat normal before heading out to eat dinner.

You walked into the kitchen and your mom greeted you with a confused look on her face,

"I thought Brian was staying for dinner."

It had been a few days since your argument with Brian, and you hadn't talked to him since. Truth be told, you weren't doing well, not at all. The last few days had been full of nothing but tension and tears for you. Every time he'd pass you by in the hallway you were ignored, he wouldn't even spare you a glance. He'd usually avert his eyes and turn to talking to Amber, or one of his other friends.

It hurt Like, really fucking hurt.

You couldn't stand the feeling it gave you every time he passed you by, the way your heart dropped, and your stomach flipped. You couldn't count the times you felt yourself nearly throw up in the last couple of days alone.

Not having Brian around was far worse than any heartbreak you ever experienced. It had only been a couple of days, and it wasn't like he loathed you or anything, but you'd almost felt like a part of you was missing without him around. It felt stupid to say, he was just some greasy teenager, but you never really realized how complete he made you feel.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, seemed happier than ever. Glad you finally ditched that "loser" Brian. He'd never really enjoyed having Brian around, and you usually had to fight to try to let him hang out with you whenever your boyfriend was around.

You sighed, placing your head in your hand as your arm rested on your desk. Your last period teacher was ranting and raving about something, you couldn't have been less interested. You picked up your heavy head and raised your arm way up.

"Yes y/n?" The teacher shot a look your way.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" You ask, desperate to get out of class.

"I'm in the middle of a lecture-"

"Okay, but I have to go to the bathroom."

"Fine. Go." She responded reluctantly before getting back onto her tangent.

You're relieved the teacher did not put up much of a fight, and begin to slip out of the classroom, into the dismal halls of the school building. You had no real destination, you didn't actually have to use the bathroom, only the desire to roam around aimlessly to try and clear your head. The poorly-lit, decaying classrooms filled with far too many people you didn't like tended to get pretty stuffy really quickly.

You tried to think of nothing else other than the sound of your footsteps as your beat-up old vans hit the dirty tile floor with every step you took. You let the quiet thudding sound sort of put you into a trance until you heard a voice around the corner.

"Oh forget them," You heard an all-too-familiar voice say, "They'll never know." It was your boyfriend. You stopped dead in your tracks, not really wanting to be seen by him and have any sort of interaction, but you were also very intrigued as to what he was talking about. You inched closer against the wall he was on the other side of, just around the bend. You were meer feet away but he had know knowledge of your presence.

"Are you sure?" You heard another voice say, a girl this time, you recognized the voice as a friend of your boyfriend's that had hung out with the two of you from time to time.

"Positive, they'll probably be home crying tonight or something, too emotional to even realize or even care where I am."

You felt your muscles stiffen at the sound of his words, certainly, he wasn't talking about you, was he?

"Don't be a dick." The girl giggled.

"I'm not baby, it's just the truth, they're such a downer. I need some fun in my life."

Baby? You listened onwards, feeling your blood begin to- not boil, but simmer. You were nearly certain he was talking about you, and why was he calling her baby?

In a surprising move of bravery you peered around the corner, hoping to god the two of them didn't see you. As you peeked just your head down the hall you could see them standing a decent distance away, the girl with her back pressed against a locker, and your boyfriend hovering over her.

Some fucking nerve he had. Doing this in public? Not even having the decency to break up before going after someone else?

You couldn't even find it in you to be sad right now, you bit down on the inside of your cheeks, surpressing a cackle of utter disbelief at what you were witnessing.

"Okay," The girl smirked before catching her bottom lip in her teeth, "I'll see you at 8 then?"

"On the dot." Your boyfriend smirked back.

"See you then."

Your boyfriend leaned down from his spot standing over her, pressing a kiss onto the girl's cheek. If only he knew you were here to see this right now.

You quickly swung your head back from around the corner and began heading back the way you came, hoping that neither of them would also walk this way and run into you.

Your legs trembled under you as you walked, and you feared that they might give out any second now. Your breath shook and you could barely get a decent-sized breath in or out.

God, if you'd just listened to Brian and broken up with your boyfriend when he first told you to none of this would have ever happened, and you'd still have your best friend.

You walked right past your classroom, unable to functionally act like a human, right now there would have been no way that you could sit down for the remainder of class and not freak out. You swallowed hard, trying your best to repel a sob, or maybe a laugh, perhaps even somewhat of both. You had no clue how to react, what even was the proper emotion to witnessing your boyfriend cheating on you? Probably being sad. But you didn't feel sad, no, not in the miserable cry yourself to sleep sort of way. Not in the keep your head down low not talking to anyone sort of way. Instead, you felt like you had to jump out of your own skin. Nothing in your body felt right, everything was uncomfortable. You couldn't stay still, your jaw, your breath your hands, they all shook.

There was a bubbling in your throat, not of the painful lump that precedes a cry, but a burning, one that could only be soothed by screaming at the top of your lungs, a sensation that could only be quelled by a presentation of your flaming anger.

You postulated that perhaps you'd probably be sad later, once you experienced the comedown of all this disbelief and anger. And you dreaded that too, you didn't know which emotion you'd prefer, both seemed positively unbearable.

On your aimless journey down the hall, you passed a clock hung up on a depressingly beige wall, glancing up at it with nearly teary eyes you realized there were only five minutes left in the day. A slight relief. You blinked away the forming tears in your eyes and began your shaky journey back to the classroom to get your things.

"Thank you for deciding to come back." Said your teacher, giving you a disappointed glare as you walked in the room.

"There was a line." You grumbled, heading back to your seat at the back of the room.

Defeatedly, you threw yourself back into your seat and anxiously watched the clock. Time had never seemed to move so slow as it did now, each passing second hand teasing you, bringing you closer and closer to the end of the day. Even with the minute amount of time left that burning uncomfortableness inside of you made you want to just get up and run out right there.

Then finally, the shrill ringing of the dismissal bell. It's ear-shattering high pitched tone was absolute music to your ears right now as you nearly ran out the classroom door, and pushing passed the hoards of people in the hallway.

You'd never felt so claustrophobic in your life, the dozens of students lining the hall suffocated you as they prevented you from the sweet release of being out of the school building. You pushed, and pushed, and pushed, being an absolute nuisance to everyone you came in contact with, but right now you really did not care. Then finally- you stepped outside.

The contact with the fresh air was not the cathartic release you were hoping it to be. Rather, you stepped outside and realized you no longer had anything further to look forward to, nothing else that you thought perhaps could free you of this feeling. You ran a hand through your hair, tugging on the strands a little out of pure stress. Your eyes roamed the courtyard of the school, looking out on the sea of students leaving for the weekend.

Then- you spotted him, Brian, walking alone to his car. Fuck it. You needed to do something. Talk to someone. You began walking in that direction, your legs picking up at an unreasonably fast walking pace.

You made your way to Brian's old, beatup car, he hadn;t noticed your presence right outside his passenger window. You peaked in the dirty window, you could see him in the drivers seat, head down with various CD cases strewn upon his lap, his shaggy hair falling in his face.

You tapped on the window, feeling the sun-warmed glass under your knuckle. Slightly startled Brian looked up, his face turning to one of confusion, or maybe it was disgust as his eyes locked with yours. You were having none of it. You knocked again.

"Open the fucking door Brian." You barked through the glass. Shaking his head in perhaps confusion, he leaned over the console and pulled up the lock on the door. Before Brian could even sit back down completely you were tugging on the door handle, and flinging yourself into the passenger seat of Brian's car.

"What the hell, man?" He asks as you get in.

"Save it, Brian." You snap.

"What did I do?" He asks, throwing his arms up defensively. You turn over to the side and glare at him, "Point taken." He sighs sitting back in the driver's seat. "Whatever," He shakes his head, "What are you doing here?"

"I've sat in your car a million fucking times why are you questioning me now?" You're vaguely aware of your harshness towards Brian, but part of you feels like he maybe deserves it... just a little.

"God, rough day?" He asks unsympathetically,

"I'm okay." You look him dead in the eyes. Brian turns to look at you,

"This is okay to you? Aggressively throwing yourself into my car and snapping at me after not talking for four days?"

"I said I'm okay Brian." You insist, not really keen on telling him the whole cheating situation, nowhere near being in the mood for his 'I told you so's'

"Don't fucking tell me it's him again."

You sit up a little from where you're sat in the passenger seat, inching closer to Brian's face,

"Listen to me," You raise your eyebrows, trying to emphasize your words, "I'm telling you the truth, trust me, Brian, I'm okay- I mean it."

Brian sits up in his seat as well, bringing himself closer to you. His face is so close to yours, you're looking him deep in the eyes, trying your absolute hardest not to start crying to him.

"Look man, I know I said I'm sick of hearing your problems but you don't have to lie to m-" Suddenly he's cut off when you lean forward, pressing your lips to his. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck did I just do that? You thought. You pulled away quickly, that sick feeling entering your stomach again after realizing what you did. You could feel yourself on the verge of throwing up. Your eyes darted around the car quickly as Brian stared at you in disbelief, you felt compelled to run out of the car, to leave here, and never ever show your face in Cody ever again.

"Oh my god Brian I'm so sorry I don't know what I was thinki-" Suddenly you were the one being cut off this time, Brian's lips pushing against your own. A sense of relief washed over you with this kiss, his hand comes up and holds your cheek. Brian's kissing is sloppy and inexperienced, and you can't help but to notice the faint smell of french fries on his hoodie sleeve, but you don't mind at all.

It's a little overwhelming, actually, the way he's holding your face close to his, the way your lips work together, literally everything else that's been going on the last few days. You feel a tear roll down your cheek, and Brian must have felt it brush up against one of his fingers because he pulls away, your face still cupped in his hand.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks again.

"Im not," You sniffle, shaking your head, "I'm not okay." Tears falling down both of your cheeks now. Brian raises his other hand to your face, wiping the stray droplets away with his thumbs

"Do you want to talk abou-"

"Please just kiss me again." You beg desperately.

"Of course." He nods eagerly.

a/n: finally a non eddie fic!! i've been on SUCH an mcr kick recently so i obviously had to write for my fav emo boy :,) ... sorry if this fic is a little uhh... teen angsty... but look at brian... that man is the EPITOME of teen angst. hope everyone enjoyed :)

#brian wilcox #brian wilcox x reader #brian fast food nation #paul dano #danonation #paul dano fic #brian wilcox fic #fast food nation

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cavewretch · 1 month

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my insurance is currently nerfing me in every possible way it can before they kick me off in june and i'm in a lot of pain (migraine etc) in the dark just kind of weeping . time for a captains log entry (vent/rant)

thinking about how being a sickie means we are on the front lines to get worse/die in crisis but also in on the ground revolution. maybe i'm wrong about that but it feels like no political alignment actually has sickies in their ideal world for what comes after. and like ok. i never expected to live til i'm old, if i as an individual die in the process of fighting for something better that's okay. but if my whole social class of sickies (disabled/immunocompromised/high risk/surplus class, whatever u call us) has to die too then that's not something worth fighting for. where are the sickies in the revolution . where are the sickies in ur utopias .

im so tired of not being able to see anyone without a mask. i'm tired of my life not mattering enough to people i care about that they still won't crack the shell of their liberalism. i'm tired of watching people get sick and die . i'm tired of the us empire's tendrils poisoning the globe and i want it to fall apart desperately but i also know that as it does my health will get worse without medications and i will be useless to any movement and no movement would have me . my brain creatures whisper i am a parasite and social norms reaffirm the whispers at every turn.

it's raining again and i have to ride out the pain until i can try a double strength injection in april. i don't even know if it'll help. nothing gives me any relief anymore. insurance might not even cover the double strength dose, which means $800 a month, which is impossible for me . i have to beg people in positions of authority over me again and again and again for basic basic things and i'm sick of it . i want to live so bad that it's making me think death is the only way out . i refuse to do it myself, they will have to squash me themselves. but god does everything fucking suck . good night see u tomorrow xo

#can you believe i thought i could do a class this summer .#wretched text #sickie notes

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thenarrativefoil · 7 months

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health stuff (positive)

I FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDS LAST NIGHT... AND I FEEL FINE AND WENT TO SLEEP OK AND SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT...

only side effect is my gums/mouth hurts a little more than usual. got a little bit of a cottony head.

INSANE!!! Can't believe i feel well enough to forget my meds AND THEN WAKE UP STILL FEELING OKAY!!!!!

september was hell bc of transient illnesses but it's clear that my overall health has continued stabilizing even while I was sick.

; ___ ; im so relieved ahhh

have continued cutting down on other meds, and am no longer suffering the side effects of taking less. Hopefully I'll be completely off one in another month or two and then I can work on reducing the H1 antihistamines 😁

The dream is to get off all allergy meds and then continue working with my diet and hopefully expanding it... many foods are still out of reach but I've got a solid short list of foods that don't hurt. I'm taking some time off experimentation rn while I recover from transient illnesses. Luckily I've found a really great grocery store that stocks figs and pomegranates year round AND has a live fish counter (AMAZING)

Just like. going from having a brush w death in 2022 to almost a year later and I'm IN RECOVERY & actually seeing tangible improvements ( ；∀ ；) I'm so fuckin happy dudes. Yeah life still sucks in a lot of other ways but I'm NOT going to be a bloody pile of skin and suffering anymore!!!!!!! WE ARE GETTING BETTER!!!!!

#chronic health #text #eh that got long

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d1et-cok3 · 8 months

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Sorry about the depressing vibe that's been on my account for a while but I just wanted to update y'all. So tomorrow my friends made plans with a person from my school and tomorrow there getting PIZZA and I'm so scared because that's so many cals and carbs plus so much cheese and I just don't wanna eat it especially cause don't wanna break my fast but to also have to go to go to my dad's today which sucks I love staying there except we eat dinner together every night and it's been so hard on me to be forced to eat and i just don't know what to do anymore feel sick at the thought of getting any bigger and nothing able to weigh myself for who knows how long I just wanna throw up it freaks me out so bad. Anyway good news a shirt that was tight a month or two ago is loose now!!! So it's making me feel glad that a least something I'm doing is working anyway thanks for reading my long ass ramble I'm gonna just try and restrict and stay positive love u❤️

August 31 2023

UPDATE

I ate some pizza and drank soda and I'm ok Im still losing and I dont feel too guilty I'm trying to have a good mindset while suffering from this horrible illness❤️

September 3rd 2023

#tw ed diet #tw ana trigger #tw disordered eating #tw ana diary #an0r3c1a #i wanna be weightless #th1n$po #thinspø #pro a4a #anorex14

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compassionatereminders · 1 year

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Hi sorry for the long ask. i think i might have depression or something. I just feel like im always looking at people through some kind of mask, idk. Like i dont fit in anywhere. And sure at work that might just be normal for me bc ive always been a bit different than everyone else but i also feel like i have to pretend to be someone im not even with my best friend. Im just very low on energy all the time. I used to like art i think? I dont even remember if i actually liked it or just pretend i like it. Right now i feel like ive just been saying i like art because it's always been like that but do i really still like it? I sometimes dont draw for months. I feel like im not good enough at work, im a graphic designer but im not creative at all and im being compared to my coworker by my boss and it sucks. I just started my job 2 months ago but i already want to quit but i dont know what else i want to do. The only thing im maybe a bit decent and interested in is design and art even though i dont know if i even like it or if i just pretended to like it for too long that i dont know the difference anymore. On top of this my dad is sick and its incurable and he's literally gonna die soon and he's too young to die.

I just feel like something is wrong with me, at this point im hoping something is wrong with me so it can be fixed. I dont want this to just be my personality. But i dont really want to seek professional help because i dont want my mom to worry. There's so much going on for her already, im the person she depends on the most right now and i dont want to make this more difficult. And of course i also feel like its not bad enough to really count as any mental illness or something. I mean it's not that bad, it might just the the winter season that's making me sadder than usual. And the entire situation im in. And also the fact that i just dont know what i want regarding my job. So its not that weird that im low on energy and i dont want to draw something for my friend that he asked for even though i have 4 days in the week i dont have to work. But i dont draw on those days, i only watch series all day. In the morning i lie down on the couch and in the evening i get up to go back to bed and that was my entire day yesterday and Wednesday. Just no motivation to do anything fun other than this.

You dont have to diagnose me or anything but any personal thoughts on this?

Btw i started following your blog because somewhere last year when i could feel myself just needing some encouragement and positivity. The posts really did cheer me up a little for a while.

While I won't try to diagnose you, it does sound like you are genuinely struggling - and even if this does not qualify as mental illness, that should not prevent you from seeking help and answers. Because the earlier you reach out for support, the better are your odds of avoiding a severe mental health episode. And it's better to worry your mom a bit to get better than to bottle all of this up until it reaches the point of no return. Because you're right that something is going on here. And even if you aren't mentally ill, losing a parent is by itself a major life crisis and a very good reason to seek out therapy and support

#chat with kat #death tw #terminal illness tw #parent loss tw #internalized ableism tw

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disco-cola · 1 year

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dudes i need to rant cause yall know this is my online diary so i honestly feel so lost my life has no direction and hasnt had any for the past years and the years just seem to fly by in the blink of an eye and with every year i get more anxious about my birthday and getting older and my lack of achievements well at least if you define achievements by university degrees and work experience which is sadly still the standard instilled in this society and if you struggle with anxiety and or depression and cant function you are worth less (or even worthless) and you constantly need to justify and excuse yourself and the future seems so dull not only bc of my era-struggling™ but because i literally have such a hard time with the vicious cycle of getting a job and being sucked even more into this exploitative capitalistic system (idk what its like where you live but where i live rents have risen beyond any realistic affordability, grocery prices too but work wages and unemployment "benefits" from the state have not and even people working full time living with a partner who is also working full time are struggling to pay their rent and pay for groceries and electricity and make ends meet and for what you would have to work even more than forty hours a week to be able to afford a decent lifestyle as of right now but people are already working and worrying themselves sick to not fall down behind into poverty and get a pension plan which again is the vicious cycle im talking about retirement age will probably get even higher but how are you supposed to even work until at least 67 years old when you already destroy your body and soul decades before that? people are burned out several decades before that and still so many old folks now have worked so hard all their lives to only get such little pension they still need to work despite being sick, or go collect bottles (in countries where you get a few cents for returning plastic bottles at least) or even beg. honestly its sick this cant be the essence of life. it keeps me up at night. i dont wanna do this. i dont want life to be like this. i used to wanna go into the music business so bad when i was like 18 and be a manager or in a band but ever since my era-struggle™ despite the fact i dont like whats mainstream today but i also dont think i could last a day in the fast pace of todays business with social media and cancel culture. i just couldnt. i barely can now from my current position and deleting all social media and getting a nokia or motorola flip phone like i had as a child or a landline phone seems more and more appealing. my old friends are moving into the big city and we are drifting apart. they work so much they dont have time. but i also realize that i am starting to exclude and seclude myself and dont crave much human contact anymore. it honestly drains me. even grocery shopping or walking my dog during daytime drains me at this point. i dont wanna move and live in a big city anymore like other people my age. my suburb is too much for me already. i have fantasies of escaping from here daily. i literally just wanna go move to a small beach or mountain village and open a dog daycare. this is literally the only thing i can see myself doing in the future that does not give me anxiety and makes me wanna run into oncoming traffic.

#rant

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bootbooot · 17 days

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cross posting this from toyhouse to tumblr because it seems like a good website for this kinda of stuff

I remember having a cookie run hyper fixation lasting from June 2021-febuarary 2022 honestly around January is when i felt like i was at my worst mentally I was aware by that point that this wasn't good for me and all the fun i had in the summer talking to my friends about it had just withered into angry ranting and them being sick of me talking about it. Around February things still kinda sucked I was still fixated on cr but I was more aware of it around that time i rediscovered my singing monsters i quickly got hooked I got out of my obsession with the game things were going good for me for a change I started actively posting on su again showed oc art talked about my life a bit I rediscovered my old sona and redesigned them then i created ecgf but thats a different story for a different thought dump and it would be TOO long so I would have to make it it's own bulletin

I remember around the time school started last year I would listen to THIS song a lot I cannot tell if it's good or if im extremely autistic and nostalgic and some how find this enjoyable to listen to and I replayed it multiple times holy shit i must have been desperate

whenever a rando favorites one of my characters I get a random ego boost for no reason idk why

June and April are my favorite months of the year for reasons too long to type they will be their own things its extremely complicated

I randomly remembered that I have Ruben Sim the youtuber added on pokemon go he is like my only friend on there

I remember getting really invested in the Slaton Sisters back in 2021 during my trip to New Jersey I did feel like shit a lot then though I had a canker sore and water in my ear that wouldn't get out i would suddenly miss when I wasn't it constant pain you could say i wasted the trip but honestly I don't feel that way Im starting to think about it a lot

2021 was one of the worst years my life yet it was really enjoyable for me I mean my friend did say that painful times bring comfort now i feel like im on top of the world and I feel terrible

I have a lot of ocs i make in my head I never draw them though I never draw them even if they last in my mind for years my goal is to change that for a couple

I have a oc named Alease because I thought the name was pretty she's a white rodent creature it's not anything ultra special but I do draw her a lot I don't consider her as an oc much anymore but who knows

I named my artfight profile after a gag character but im not changing it because i feel different

I tried onion rings yesterday they were fucking awesome

I love visiting states my favorite ones to visit are probably the north eastern states they feel closer to home and more relatable to me yes even new jersey but also because i have more positive memories relating to them

I WOULD BE A HIGH HONORS STUDENT IF IT WASNT FOR FUCKING MATH

I wonder if i have dyslexia or some form of it because i struggle with reading not really the words but just connecting with it but then i remember who i read when it comes to ao3 fanfic

Arashi No Yoru Ni is a good movie and I want everyone I know to watch it

#arashi no yoru ni #scout and friends #AO3 #fanfic #artfight #Cookie run #autism #hyperfixations are draining #Besides my catcf phase that was awesome

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self-h-rmageddon · 1 month

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i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

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rpfisfine · 3 months

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(hi im back I got scared bc I worried I'd focused too much on myself in my last ask and the demons took over Help) idk why im shocked that there aren't any fics unique to wattpad I dont think the boyboy following is a wattpad bunch we're all old pretentious fucks (endearing). I rly hope they're cool with fics,,, i hope they Get It,,, that would be really sick. they've surprised me before, they can do it again!

you ARE being brave holy shit if I was in your position I think I'd shit myself to DEATH this tension is killing me but I agree your fics are so well written like they're rpf but more importantly they're really good??? truly moving?? literary even??? and i have hope that they'll appreciate that too

- 🌵

HIIIIIIIIIII noooooooo omg not at all!!! its just that ive genuinely sucked ass at answering asks in general since the dawn of time and in the past couple of weeks i have gotten more asks than ive ever received before in my entire life LOL plus my memory is shit so if i dont answer Immediately i forget ive even been sent anything in the first place and its just this whole thing but me not responding wasnt caused by anything you did in the slightest i LOVE getting asks from you!!!

god i literally know it makes complete sense but at the same time it surprised me as well maybe wattpad rly isnt what i remember it being anymore maybe it has fallen off in a pretty major way since 2014..... dude i literally cannot exaggerate how much i want that to be true LOL i rly rly rly hope they are too like i know logically they wouldnt be making the video if they werent but still...... tbh aleksa does strike me as someone who has legitimately written self insert fanfiction abt him & alex in the past so. i think there's some hope for us (joking obvs. unless..)

im gonna be real there hasnt been one moment in the past couple of days where i wasnt shitting and pissing and vomiting myself to death i literally wake up in cold sweat nowadays expecting my inbox to be flooded w anons being like DUDE THE VIDEO IS OUT FHFGNG.. like its BAD the tension is kiling me as well. ohhhhhmy god stop you guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo niceys to me i cant believe it..... god.....them apprer . them Complim , them ap- i cant even say it . is something i genuinely honestly cannot even begin to think abt like you guys r being so brave and normal abt this and r trying to comfort me constantly and i just feel like i havent made any mental progress at all since the day of the fateful discovery LOL like ever since i learned its not gonna be posted to their patreon w roughly 5000 subscibers like i hoped but instead to their yt channel with 800k+ subscibers i have been trying even Harder to gaslight myself into thinking my fics somehow wont make it into the video bc when i like sit down and make a serious attempt to entertain the possibility of 800k ppl potentially seeing my writing its just . Like my brain legitimately shuts down. i just cannot physically or mentally comprehend that number at all its not REAL!!!! to me!!!!!! get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<33333333333333333 #i rly need to like get over myself already and stop being so dramatic abt this whole thing like maybe its literally fine .#i cant rly explain my general issue in a way that doesnt make me sound like an asshole but i guess it all boils down to the fact that #with my black and white autistic as shit thinking i consider there to be only 2 major types of rpf #1. the like . normal wholesome cute lighthearted G-rated kind that revolves around them going to the grocery store or sth #and 2. the genuinely seriously creepy kind written by maladjusted ppl that makes me sick to my stomach when im unfortuante enough #to encounter it in the wild #& because i for some reason dont consider my writing to fall into the 1st category (even though some of it probably still technically does)#i automatically freak out over it potentially sharing some similarities w the 2nd kind which i KNOW like logically know isnt true.#and in fact its what exists in the vague middle that is the most popular kind of rpf and can range from Bad to seriously impressive #and i guess literary to use your analogy. and like. maybe thats fine. maybe my worst offense is having written a couple of thousand words #abt them having sex. and maybe they can handle that.#asks #cactus anon #sorry for how obscenely disgustingly disturbingly long this is holy shit i need to relax. but i think ive FINALLY articulated what i mean

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