#im probably using it wrong lol

[esotericrapture]

during the pandemic I was lucky and was doing some volunteer work rather than being in quarantine, essential personal and all that (hurricanes and wildfires didn't stop)

in 2021 I left that job and for 3 years I have done nothing since cause some of that said work exacerbated and added new quirks to my already funky brain

I feel like that's just an excuse but my therapists and medical professionals have told me otherwise

In particular I can't drive which fucks everything up when you live in that nightmare section of suburbia where you can't walk anywhere and the only thing around are strip malls with pricy restaurants

Though there is a library close by that I frequent, it's not one of the two where events happen where I might talk with other humans (beyond the common courtesy talk)

I've also gotten so highstrung i act fucking aggressively or panic when i start talking to literally anyone for more than the 5 second chat with a store clerk

I need to find people I can parasite their automobility for and I'm plenty likeable so it shouldn't be a problem once I get to an activity (it's taken me years of therapy to somewhat believe that, let me indulge that particular delusion and truth)

I'll start by screaming here, and by trying to actually showcase my stories online, still, even that will be a problem cause of my aforementioned funky brain

I don't know what the point of this was, maybe its just noise, and it's definitely an invitation for communication, but it's unlikely many or any will see this (or they/you will be anxious too)

It's also likely I'll be too frightened to do anything about potential first contact and delete this account before I end up engaging with you native aliens (humans but my brain is funky and I don't understand y'all sometimes, least of all myself)

Anywho, I think my messages are open. I'm pretty chill I think, if you want to be a dick that's fine too.

As for things to talk about i think I'm a standard nerd with a little more travel experience than most.

/End incessant droning

#mental health #ramblings #social shit #idk how to tag this #I'm socially stunted online #so i dont use emojis #except to perform or indicate insincere humor #im adhd #ive done a lot of different things #for one week or less #in most cases #but still #...this tagging function is fun #im probably using it wrong lol #am i? #i have had access to a bunch of things though family #and a pushy parent who wanted me to do things

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

The fanon interpretation of Vox and Valentino's relationship really is just Satan and Saddam Hussein in South Park huh.

#which I don't think is necessarily wrong? #but I DO think there's one key difference: Vox hits back #like obvs u should leave ur partner if they start hitting u even if you can fight back #but I just don't think Vox is as powerless in this situation as fans initially thought he would be lol #which means their relationship will probably end up more on the “fun to watch” side of the toxic scale #that one dynamic where they just shove two shitty guys together not bcuz they work but bcuz theyd be a fuckin trainwreck y'know? #either way I still think Vox should dump him :) #hazbin hotel #hazbin vox #hazbin valentino #staticmoth #south park #sp satan #I am not. I am not tagging this as Saddam Hussein. I refuse. #I don't have a tag for early morning ramblings so Im just gonna use the late night one #cuz tHIS IS MY BLOG I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!!!! #late night ramblings

[haemosexuality]

*sits up in the middle of the night* in this next universe where vampires seem to have taken over the world, marceline probably either never met simon or he died soon after they met, which means that since her mom also died when she was really young (too young to remember a lot about her i bet), she most likely raised herself completely alone through the apocalypse and never really learned about Morals which is how after getting bitten she joined the vampires and, became evil i guess. we see that even with simons good influence in her formative years she went through a rough path after getting bitten so it would make sense that shed turn out nasty if it wasnt for him. she is part demon. we just saw an universe where simon lost marcy and was fucked up and now we're gonna see one where marcy lost simon and became fucked up

#thinking about the flashback in the ep simon petrikov where hes like #''youd be fine if you didnt meet me better even. as for me...'' #itd be so so cool if the show showed us that actually she Wouldnt be fine. they both needed each other to keep their sanity and morals #during the apocalypse #like itd be neat #this isnt me saying marceline is naturally an evil person shes literally my favorite character im just saying that like #if ur a child in a post apocalyptic landscape that didnt have anyone to teach you what morals are #aside from ur mom who died when u were like 5 #youd probably turn out a bit fucked up too. like look at bonnie lol #im jusy using ''evil'' as a descriptive bc its easier and also we havebt actually seen this marcy so i cant speak much on her personality #but at characters arent usually that 2d #also we literally see simon being the one to teach marceline morals. Vandalism Is Wrong Marcy #and we see her having demon instincts- the wazzup dog in obsidian #i always thought that demon and vampire prolly didnt mix up well and she had to work a Lot to get to the level of stability and ethics that #she is now #so im excited to see a world where she had no reason to work on that skfhsjfhejfhejf #ok im rambling. its 3am and i have to be up in 2 hours help me #adventure time #fionna and cake #watch me be completely wrong when the ep comes out #but thats just a theory... a cartoon theory

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

#MOTHER FFFFUCKER #to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants #im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night #at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn #to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS #the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori #but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey #consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!! #just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick #outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to #animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better #at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH #i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc #im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over #where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands #there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE #ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles #but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your #health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!! #im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves #also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet #im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to #have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to #to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up #their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ #yapping

[mokutone]

hi what do you think abt t4t kakayama (it's canon to me tbh)

:) hi ty for the question. i will do two sweet pictures of them being intimate and then under the cut there's going to be a longer very unsweet and more technical response

so i'm usually not a very shippy person! but that said i am also on the record as an occasional kakayama + kakayamagai enjoyer

i do hc them both as trans and in different ways w/ different experiences of transition and identity! i have no interest in proving my view as canon, but i do regard my reading of the text (text here including the anime) as a valid interpretation of yamato's experience of identity

yamato, for example, imo, doesnt have any real lived experience of being raised as a child of any gender. he was an experimental subject, and then he was Danzō's weapon/vessel for the mokuton, and then he was in anbu.

in a fun little word game which should not be taken seriously: it'd almost be more fitting to describe him as "adgender" rather than "transgender" since the prefix "trans" implies moving across where the prefix "cis" means to stand still, but the prefix "ad" means "to move towards" and i headcanon him as somebody who was degendered as a child, not in a cool nonbinary way, but instead in a dehumanizing, objectifying way, so his experience of creating his identity and his gender along with it is one of moving toward the concept of gender this word doesn't and wont exist, but bc of the way english works it would probably be simplified to be spelled precisely the same as "agender" in the same way that "aggression" came from latin "aggredi" which came from "ad" (meaning to/toward) and and latin "gradus" (meaning step) (essentially the combination means "to step to" [in a threatening manner]) the only diferences is where agender (meaning no gender) is pronounced ay-gender, the agender that comes from adgender would be prounounced more like "uhgender" in the same way that agressive isnt pronounced like "ay-gressive" but instead like "uhgressive"

and then...as for kakashi? i just decided on vibes. i didn't think hard about it.

i guess i should also say that, while i draw kakayama very infrequently, when i do draw it i usually try to be very apparent about the transness in the artwork if i can? especially if i'm drawing anything more intimate than a peck on the cheek. it's no secret that shipping is often times the most energized part of fandom, and i kind of don't want to produce romantic or sexual artwork which will be enjoyed by people who don't think trans people can be attractive? or who find that trans headcanons make a character uninteresting to them? or worse, "ruin" a depiction of a character to them?

often i think about in terms of. IF there are people that follow me that love my work (usually) and think that kakashi or yamato are hot (usually) and love kakayama (usually) but get frustrated or even uncomfortable out when i draw them as explicitly trans? then i'm drawing all intimate artwork of them as explicitly trans.

it's a little like...nobody gets to love my work if transgender characters are a turnoff for them. that's the bar for entry, is the way i think of it, but really its more like putting onions in a dish. if you want to eat the dish you have to eat the onions. if you don't want to eat the onions, don't eat the dish. all the meals i make contain onions. i'll never compromise on my intention to put onions in every dish i make. that's my ninja way, as the kids say.

especially in the climate we're in right now.

i don't know. i have a lot of feelings about how most fandoms tend to view trans men, especially in terms of romantic and sexual relationships. I'm doing a bad job of expressing the depth of how much seeing how fandom treats trans male identity and transmasculine bodies impacts the way that i draw + write kakayama, but genuinely it's something i think about every single time i create content about them.

#yamswers #danova #often even when there r trans characters/trans hcs of characters the m/m pairings are usually trans + cis #+ i wanna emphasize: there's nothing wrong with that. trans+cis relationships are as beautiful and valid as t4t #but...in fiction...there's like. expectations. of how a trans guy will act in a relationship with a cis guy #literally every transmasc person knows exactly what im fucking talking about lol #i'm trying to keep this conversation PG bc naruto is not an adult show—so. anyway #the presence of t4t depictions is basically essential in offering an alternative image of relationships + intimacy for trans individuals #a view of trans bodies which is not designed for the pleasure of cis consumption+assumption #a view of trans bodies not couched in an artist statement saying ''this is a trans body. this is how you interact with a body like it.'' #sometimes even stuff made by trans people will cater to explaining transness to cis people + thats fine and okay and— #—can be cathartic to create. esp as a trans person since so many of us are Surrounded by cis people irl #but. as a singular consumer. i get tired of that. i don't want it—at least not in the way that fandom frequently produces #i'm sorry this was probably an ask that expected a reply full of trans love and just got a bunch of technical stuff back #but to be fair this IS how i feel about t4t kakayama

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it? #ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol) #yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love. #sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

[lesbiangiratina]

Need to fix my cringe fail visual memory problems so i can learn more japanese and write an essay on testament’s gender. I will use those 2 new abilities for no other purpose. I dont need to do anything else.

#i do have like a half written timeline/compilation but well i am so scared of getting smth wrong lol. im probably fine. just scared. 👍 #learned more today. did not know they were still referred to with a masculine pronoun in strive #and in the dev backyard where they make it clear testament is nb. so its not just a leftover #there was some interview with daisuke a couple months before they were added to strive where he used kare for them? i Did know abt that #testament themself still uses some more masculine speech (mostly when theyre annoyed) so its not all that surprising #idk cool and interesting. would love to inform the people who complain about strive testament being ‘too feminine’ and watch them explode #i just want to see those people explode in general maybe. #their pronouns are still they/them btw. exclusively. i will attack people for saying otherwise. btw #the kat goes meow

[puhpandas]

going on my ao3 and seeing 29 fnaf works and 1 pokemon fic I posted last year is so 😭

#ive always wanted to write for gravity falls or paranorman/mystery kids but its so intimidating #because i hold it so high on a pedestal and i wouldn't want to mess it up and characterize anybody wrong #even though i know i would have a blast writing the vibes of both and matching their dialogue to their actual selves lol #thats one thing about fnaf #is that theres no canon to try to match #like theres no humor you can try to match or dialogue you can try to make feel like the characters so much you can hear it in their voice #or setting and atmosphere you can describe l #its pure fanon #but its fine to me because especially with flashlight duo i like coming up with my own of that stuff to put in #i want to actually try to focus on that next flashlight duo oneshot #put more into the vibe and feeling of the world theyre in #and make it distinct #its probably just because its me and im the one who wrote it and people who arent me who read my series #probably definitely have something in mind #but i think i could focus on it more #this is me wanting to use the enviroment again in my writing like i did in rabbit burrow lol #it was fun ok #pandas.txt #pandas talks #my fics

[wetslug]

.

#TMI but am i the only one whose never managed to use a tampon and b actually Comfortable #like i swear i downsized and im doing it right like its all the way in but yet i can still always feel it... sitting there...menacingly #its not outright painful but its definitely a sensation that im not fuckin with #and ive probably tried like 20 times in my life ok ive tried #what fucking gives #is there a lifehack i dont know about am i doing it wrong or is this what its SUPPOSED to feel like #in that case; why r tampons so popular lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad #bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young #and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder #but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small #and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible #grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing #and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is #probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a #fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong #with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality #and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever #as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun #its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to #read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like #yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess #i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she #clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate #unrelated

[sugared-violets]

having some kind of Dr Seuss ass breakfast rn

#they're from my grandma's chickens lol #also it's weird to be on tumblr at 10am on a wednesday. feels wrong lol #its cause i asked to come in late since i knew i wouldnt get home till late after the concert #i didnt fall asleep until like 2am 🥲 which probably doesnt sound like a lot to yall but i have to get up at 7 for work usually #and i dont function well when i dont get enough sleep. i used to be good at it but i think im too old now 😞 #dani.txt

[moodr1ng]

one weird and annoying effect of me spending so much time on mainly american social media and watching all these american shows and movies and reading books by american authors and having all these online friends from america etc etc is that like.. when i write i no longer feel like i can set my stories in france? like, bc i write in english it feels like i need to set my stories in an english-speaking country, and the us is the easiest one to set up (i think in a way it kinda feels like the "default setting" of western media?). i feel like if i wrote a book set in france itd be weird or confusing to people, and also im always bugged bc like.. the stuff i write in english cannot be directly translated into french, like it doesnt correspond 1:1 to french sentences, and so if i set a story in france im always bugged bc i think "but that cant be what the characters are actually saying, because theres no equivalent to this in french". so i end up setting a lot of my stuff in the us, except ive only been to the us once and not long enough to get a good impression of what living there is like (not to mention ive only been to nyc), so i also feel like when americans read my stuff theyre gonna immediately go "huh? thats not how things are here. this author is a hack who cant do research." .. so then sometimes i set my stuff in fictional countries or in an ambiguous impossible setting which mixes stuff from various english-speaking countries + france, but then that makes my story immediately less grounded. this is such a big issue that it blocks me from writing entire stories i wanna write bc i just cant even begin to put them somewhere 😔

#97 #ig the two options are like.. #either suck it up and write shit set in france even if ik the language thing bugs me #or set it in the us and have someone from the area im writing about read through it and correct everything i got wrong #both of which are a bit daunting. #'sunny' is my one story thats explicitly set in france #and the language thing bugs me SO SO SO much. #even the tiniest bit like.. #omars nickname for sunny is 'bunny' #which works double as a cute nickname + as a play on her name right #but in french itd be like.. 'lapin' which could be a nickname ig but #it has a totally diff vibe. its not as cute. it comes off more weird or forced as a nickname. #and it has nothing to do w sunnys name. #stuff like that is always annoying me. #oh yeah 'brotherhood' is also set in france i forgot lol and i had the same issue there! #the librarian in brotherhood makes a pun on the phrase 'early bird gets the worm' #but thats not a phrase in french and neither is 'bookworm' with which she makes the pun #so its like. no she didnt say that. she cant have bc theyre supposed to be speaking french. #actually sometimes i even feel like im not knowledgeable to write france either!! #like i wanna set something in paris but while im in paris often im always a passerby #and i feel like i cant write paris in an authentic and genuine way #so what am i just supposed to set all my stories in my city and nowhere else?? #i probably overthink this stuff.

[milf-harrington]

"babes i'd get you mcr merch before getting my own lmao" literally wtf did i do to deserve this girl

#'think of it as a reconciliation gift' BUT IM THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP OUR FRIENDSHIP WHAT DO YOU MEEAAAAN #im really glad to just have her back in my life and she caught me so off guard with the whole mcr thing #bc she said it feels wrong for her to go without me bc mcr was always My Thing and im like 'lol im poor anyway its fine' #so she said she'd get me merch and i was like 'oh you dont have to really' #and then she said THAT #and im like *through tears* 'bro what the fuck' #and now im panicking a little bit bc i feel like i should do something nice for her too but i dont want it to seem like im #just trying to be even?? bc i know that's not what shes doing shes just genuinely thinking 'oh theyre his favourite band' #and i do still remember all the things she used to love and be into but at the same time maybe her interests have changed!! #maybe she's not BTS-posters-all-over-the-walls and spider-man-rug-on-her-bedroom-floor anymore #maybe she hates anime now #maybe she sold all of her gaming shit #i dont know!! #wait i could ask her #but see now it feels like the catch-up-small-talk phase has passed us and it'll just be weird if im like #'so. what are you into these days other than cars?' #or maybe im overthinking it! probably #maybe when she comes to town next month i can catch up w her #captain speaks

[bmpmp3]

dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!

#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔 #sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as #students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists #which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way #and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL) #i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities??? #specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life #(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.) #(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms) #(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid) #(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?) #irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont #have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist #again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my #art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL #i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual #capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I #far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3 #sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist #i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware #of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number #half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it #dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!! #what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone #motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

[omegasmileyface]

im slowly becoming more certain that ive lived an aromantic or aspec experience but im starting to think my experience was VERY much not the norm for those

#i feel like ive rarely had romance pushed onto me. ive been flirted with for usually a day or a couple days which felt so bad but its #over quickly. there was no background pressure for a relationship. i was never grilled or pressured by my family #in school my best friend was a boy which got me some 'oh they must be dating' but (a) nobody gave a shit about me enough to push lol #and (b) you can only consistently have guy friends for so long in a small school before people just get used to it #i feel like dating in high school wasnt really a thing. and i could be wrong but if ir was a thing it was a thing the same as having your #own car and playing varsity sports and doing spirit week etc etc. that was a world so outside mine it genuinely felt like there was no #crossover. we were a gay friend group but we were HIGH SCHOOLERS in the middle of nowhere. we werent gay as in 'dating queerly' we were #gay as in 'queer expectations for future dating' which was a very aspec INCLUSIVE experience #its very likely that the only reason i didnt experience this constant overwhelming pressure to conform that i hear from other aros is just #because im not very observant of emotions. im an autistic outcast who only cared about dating as a concept not a reality yknow? you would #have probably had to say it directly to my face if you wanted me to think you thought i was supposed to be in a relationship #i was just chillin. i dunno. anyway all this is to say i fuckin love valentines day #its a family holiday to me :)