#im so. fucking upset rn im actually in tears from stress

[femme-malewife]

I knew today was going to be a bad day.

#we were just so fucking busy and stressed. esp bc one girl didnt even show up today so we were understaffed #and over an hour ago this old bitch did SOMETHING in the bathroom and it overfilled and clogged the toilet #and my fucking fatass dumb coworker Flushes the toilet and literall #i am NOT fucking exaggerating when i say old man feces went ALL OVER THE FUCKING FLOOR. #LITERALLY FLOODED OUT OF THE TOILET BOWL AND ALL OVER. #you could dedass smell it from wayy on the other end of the store #it took over an hour of clean up and febreeze and bleach and just #good fucking lord #i helped out but it was mostly my manager/pal who had to clean it #and bc he was out of commission and my fatass coworker didnt have any food to make or anything #it was JUST me and one other girl doing EVERYTHING ELSE #fucking scrambling #and shit kept breaking down and some stuff kinda exploded in the middle of the rush #and the stupid bastard just stood there and watched #AND HE WAS STILL THE FIRST TO BE ABLE TO FUCKING LEAVE #im so. fucking upset rn im actually in tears from stress #if i see him again tomorrow yo im Literally gonna beat some ass if he fucking dares try to talk to me #im NOT gonna put up with his bull fucking shit anymore im literally fuckign done #one word motherfucker. say one fucking word to me and im gonna cuss you the fuck out #dont think for a goddamn fucking second that i fucking wont

[remarkable-ghost]

county roads, take me home

#it’ll be county roads and then an interstate to take me home and i desperately need it #there is nothing stopping the tear flow anymore. i saw a dead bat this morning? fucking broke my heart #the campus atm is down and the office where i need to pay a parking violation doesnt take cards #im especially upset because the only fucking reason i got a ticket in the first place was because they needed to plow a lot #they never told us when to move back tho? so thats fucking great. i get having a vehicle means responsibilities and shit #but they cant fucking tell us to move to a restricted area and then fail to tell us when to move back #anyways spring break is tomorrow and i am SO close to just driving home rn #im already skipping work tho because of this shitty morning/week but i know i have to like... stay till tomorrow #special thanks to the front seat of my car; without it i would have bawled way more in a diff campus building #special thanks to friends i hope your spring break goes well or at least not bad #special thanks to my family who will be waiting for me and welcoming when i come home #special thanks to family and friends who i still wont be able to see for a while yet #special thanks to the existence of spring break; the buildup of school + work + social stress/drama would surly end me #^you not only offer a break from the rough stuff but an opportunity to actually do some fun stuff. i am grateful #ghost rants

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

#long post #like long long post #rambling #tw csa #tw grooming #tw suicide attempt #vent #ramble #oof #yeah #mine #actually traumatized #trauma #autistic #depression #ptsd #c ptsd #maybe i dont fucking know #dissociation #traumatized #derealization #depersonalization #online csa #rip to me i guess lmao

[strawberryspeachy]

Within a couple days of my mom passing my mother was just going out shopping and shit

She kept calling me asking how i am. Fucking terrible what do you think

As usual she doesnt wanna listen to me talk about mom and she got mad when i wouldnt say anything.

Dont call me. Leave me alone

My grandfather is miserable crying being surrounded by places my mom was and food she ate and stuff she had. He went to the er a few days ago and then was called back in he has an infection of some kind but they dont kno what

My uncles 13 year old dog died a couple months ago and then he went to the hospital for 2 months with covid and then pancreatic problems of some kind. He doesnt talk to me but im told he’s miserable and crying too

So my mother this obnoxious fucking child who hates when the attention isnt on her. So she went out and got high. I told her ill block her if she does that shit and her friends yelled at her.

Her ex bf stopped talking to her a few days before my mom died - dont know dont care why. Well she wont stop crying over him and my uncle told her to be grateful for the friends she has. She replied with ‘you wouldnt like it if i told you be grateful for your friends if your wife died’ she told her that was fucked up and is mad at her now. She thinks shes justified in saying that. I asked her if her ex died. She said no but “he may as well be dead because he wont talk to me”

My grandfather got back from the hospital this morning. Now shes saying that she feels oh so sick and thinks she needs to go to the hospital

SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS AND ITS MADDENING

Oh your all sad over mom well stop being sad. Youre still sad? Well look at me im more sad - so sad that im fucking myself up now. Oh youre still upset yourselves and not refocusing on me? Well you should because i have it worse because more than one person in my life just died-dont care that hes not actually dead-ive lost more than you pay attention to me!! No no dont all pay attention to the heartbroken sick widow in the hospital- im sick too!!! More sick than him probably!! “Everyone forgets i also have asthma and prediabetis and blah blah blah everything THEY have AND MORE!!” <—— her response also anytime my mom was having issues with her asthma

When my mom started forgetting how to take care of herself she went to the barn and came to the house literally unable to breathe. It was horrifying. I saw her and didnt know what to do but luckily realized she probably needed her inhaler as i was calling an ambulance. I didnt know where hers was and ran to my mother asking to borrow hers.

Me in tears frantically on the phone with 911 saying moms having an asthma attack let me borrow your inhaler - was met by angry resistance from my mother demanding to know why cant she use hers?! Shes sick of sharing stuff with my mom!! She needs it

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING INHALER BEFORE MOM DIES

keep in mind my mother doesnt work. She got fired from all her jobs when i was young for STEALING then she just refused to work. When i was going to college she got social security which shed been fighting for for years after abusing the welfare system. She doesnt pay rent or anything. She get money from the government.

So the fact that she doesnt work for all the stuff she gets makes it infuriating that she has issues with sharing food and her FREEE medical supplies with my mom..had

Ive told her several times already that i cant just mourn in peace because of her. None of us wanna have to fight with her rn. She literally always feels like this giant aggressive irrational animal wreaking havoc in a tiny store full of glass

And she does break everything. Yes. My old house was old af and a lot of stuff (the floors) were falling apart. But not stuff we bought - the sink the cabinets the fridge the oven the microwave ect. She slams bangs and hits things. Stomps around. Breaks everything. Breaking stuff we had kept in good condition for years. I cried one time cause i came down to the kitchen snd saw she broke the glass on the cabinet for the dishes… everything… she broke everything.

She trashed my room. We put a lock on it to keep her out. Shes taking advantage of my mom to now go in my room and leave trash in there assuming that everyones too upset to fight her on it. My aunts gonna lock it back up when she visits tuesday so i guess my mothers not gonna send my package because now that shes set foot in my room she feels entitled to it

Thats another thing she does. If she asks you for a favor and you do it. If you say no the next time shell attack you and scream and rage and fight you because she takes it as granted the second you say yes to something ONCE

And it’s stressful calling her and her wanting me to baby her (rn that shes sick and thinks she need to go to the hospital. Before with her drugs)

Maybe shed get more sympathy from me if she didn’t literally do this to me since i was A CHILD

She stole my breakfast in kindergarten. She still thinks that was ok because her. An adult. Didnt have someone taking care of her and giving her food so i, a 5 year old, could just eat later!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posts about things with absolutely no introduction but it's because i was reminded of the topic the other day

this one's for those of us in the lifelong isolation no friends society, i know sometimes there's other people out there!! anyways i've been thinking about how like, personally, obviously, b/c idk how other ppl do it b/c we aren't friends with each other lol, its just a fuckin wild thing to deal with in part cuz its one of those answers to which there's not necessarily any Right Way to handle things or Answer or Solution or anything. isolation p much = more isolation and plus not having friends makes ppl less likely to socialize with you so that's rough; anyways yknow, the point is just oops you can't Choose to like, obtain a friend. u can try to get ppl interested but you can't control it beyond that, so, yknow

anyways what am i getting to? yeah so i've never had close friends in that i was never able to share personally honest things anyways for the longest time for a couple reasons, and also, people just didn't like me. the double whammy of "oh no its abuse" and "oh no you're lowkey socially ostracized by your peers from preschool on without end" is like, good luck to little me getting friends! i had sort-of friends in like a couple ppl who'd hang out with me regularly and on occasion we'd go to each others houses or smthing but it wasnt able to be like, the normal fun event it should. oh well. middle school was a little better and a little worse but i didnt keep up w ppl cuz i went to a different school later and its that situation where you're friends-ish Because you're at the same school right...smh...didnt thrive in college magically, but one essential thing was i was away from home more often than not so, that was real important ultimately. but anyways in the end i had like a handful of college friends-ish (accepted by other friends groups lol) and theres a couple of them i still talk to now and again

so like, yknow, friends, mostly friendly acquaintances, my siblings i'd classify as friendly acquaintances, i'm very glad about all of them really. just unfortunately i've only just started to have friendships that are like a decade old and the "longtime close" friendship is nonexistent b/c college is just four years and then you go other places, and i'm not at the heart of friend groups and not "good" at communication in other ways so its hard to keep in touch in ways. smh!!

funnily enough i'm also not good at internet stuff though it's been absolutely essential, god knows. that's why i'm able to talk to anyone rn!! but i can't do group chats and i only like approaching things "one on one" aka i don't like feeling like im in the midst of a group even outside group chats. if you get what i'm saying. like even back being in the small early mh fandom of like, three dozen ppl, in retrospect i didnt like having to be in the entire Group yknow. lemme just be over here. which is what i do now.

anyways for additional reasonsl, communicating has been trickier these past few years and for the most part its been kind of a situation where i wasn't necessarily going to get to talk to someone every day, though usually it'd maybe only be like, a gap of a day or two. and anyways, the thing is that, over the past ten years especially its started to be Distressing like wanting friends, not as much having them, and also having it be more obvious that there was some kind of deficiency keeping me from having (and having had) friends like other people did. not fun! but what i'm getting around to here, whats been wild, is just this like, decade-ish (or two decade-ish if you want) Personal Effort to just figure out how the fuck to stop having to feel like shit about it all the time right? then you're lonely AND stressed and probably self loathing also

so like yeah, the thing is that the other day something was going on about like, yknow, the idea of the longtime close friend with a steadfast presence in your life, and that's just always like, lfjdglmao what!!! sounds nice. i had a friend for a week in second grade and im not sure we ever spoke and then the teacher made us sit on opposite sides of the classroom and it was too embarrassing to be friends anymore. that's kinda close but lol for real......it's not only the lack of friends to tackle but also like, i don't assume to have friends in the future. it's something that like, i would obviously theoretically want, and be happy if it happened, but i can't say i hope for it, because that implies too much being expectant or whatever. and it's weird!! its a weird time just kind of presuming friendlessness until otherwise occurs. and it's not great, i'm definitely still unhappy about all this shit. its just that i've also like, been able to shave off how distressing the issue mightve been in earlier years yknow

like it sounds all depressing to say like, i've just had to be less emotionally invested in the whole thing, but it's kind of true. not by ignoring it or ignoring the feelings so much as like...just acknowledging that this is how it is and there's only so much i can do but not hating myself about it is a start. and yeah it's like "oh, feeling less, depressing" but also frankly when i decided also that its less horrible to be friendless than to feel stuck w crap ppl / ppl who you aren't too important to / etc, i figured that i'd also rather be friendless and just enjoy being myself than try to make myself easier to talk to. i'm not like intimidating or anything, i just can't hold a conversation. but i'm not very interested anymore in trying to convince ppl to like me, yknow, i'm out here, and if i'm ever going to have friends i'd like them to be people to like me For Who I Am, wipe tear. what i'm just saying is "a weird dumbass" b/c its just vague social weirdness that ppl don't necessarily like, loathe, but probably they'd rather talk to someone else. i'm not great at socializing stuff, like i said, hence social rejection since age 4

oh and i meant to say!! i've been able to turn up my emotions by turning down my investment in the idea of Needing To Always Be Trying To Make Friends b/c, as anyone might know, all i like to do is talk at great length about whatever weird, niche shit i'm into at any given point. and that's pretty much it. i'm not pretending to be deep by not really knowing how to do small talk. lmao you guys know what i'm talking about. and obviously not everybody is into Getting Enthusiastic or super focused on whatever weird thing at any point, and i'm not Into getting my passion all fired up and being brushed off or anything, so we can all avoid each other, and i get to continue entertaining myself

so that's a way i've been able to turn my feelings up actually lol.....dunno how to segue into it so i won't but it's also just like, not saying that i Truly Don't Care about not having friends, or that it doesn't hurt that i've had this relative friendless past and the futures looking bleak, b/c it does!! it's still distressing. but like, its turned down. the whole general issue can be a very Bitter one for sure!!!! and it has been in the past sometimes and like.....it's still there basically, i've just been able to turn down the volume a lot on a bunch of these shit feelings like "that's upsetting" or "i'm bitter about that" and just kind of calmly let it simmer back down b/c i'm sort more familiarish with what sets it off and more familiar with Dealing With It Always overall

no idea if i've made the point i was setting out for there. dealing with the No Friends Isolation Life society life is not fun but we're out here, sometimes. it continues to be not fun. "oh well," is an often relevant sentiment. c'est la vie. c'est ce que c'est? i think. and i think it's nice that after years and years of just like, struggling to figure this shit out myself, and probably feeling like shit most of the time, i've at least managed to go "shh" at some Bad Feelings. definitely still there. but this time it doesn't heap extra shittiness on top b/c of having to deal with the intensity of it and feel bad about that too etc etc. it's all weird! getting more familiar with dealing with some shit which is just, the way that it is in part because of bad luck and of course i'm jealous of everybody who does have friends. but oh well. b/c c'est la vie. im also glad for everybody who has friends, obv. it's all complicated!! which is just part of why this post exists. it has no real point, i'm just kinda going like, weird, huh? and kind of good, and kind of a bummer. oh well

also im aware this is a suddenly long, technically depressing post at like circa midnight for a lot of people, but basically this is just me in normal mood. sometimes it's depressing posts time out of nowhere, but i'm not especially depressed!! nighttime is just more of my Peak Hours. night owl 4 life. thanks

oh and ps. another thing i would think about (with more distress in the past, and like, no distress now) is that its also funny cuz, one thing i’ve generally had to do is be aware that it’s a bigger deal for you (me) to get a new Friend than it is for them to be getting you as a friend, b/c math says so. and so i’ve had to push myself to not be overly hopeful or invested in order to be both fair to them and myself. and nowadays that’s just kind of how i view the no-friends-ness of it all, like. i’m not mad that i’m not for some reason way closer to anybody i know. why would i be. and i don’t expect anybody to think like “oh my god we have to be Good Friends” because like. not in a self deprecating way but like, why would any random person want that. and i dont expect to be better friends with ppl im just casual friends with, which is great, cus like Friendly Acquaintances and other lite friendships are fantastic and im very grateful. but i am aware there’s plenty of reasons making it difficult to just like, pick up a Close Buddy and i’m not like “oh i demand one from somewhere, from some reason.” so what i am trying to say is that keeping my expectations honestly realistic is an effort to be fair to both other ppl and myself and i think it works. no friends!! we out here!!!!

#long post //// #long and incoherent lord knows. whatevs #its midnight...the no Purposeful Writing hours....... #(bat emoji)

[notyourbabygirlx3]

late night thoughts- 2:41 AM.

you know it hurt right. it hurt so bad when you’re comparing two people. one of which is your pregnant girlfriend and one if your bm. your problem always has been comparing us. but I’m done. im done being compared to your ex. im done making everyone around me happy. but I’m not happy at all and it doesn’t seem to matter. but what I said was true, if she’s becoming more like me and I’m not the person you thought I was then do not be with me. go be w her. I deserve a lot better than someone who gets frustrated w me saying that I just wanna say hey, what’s up, how are you doing, making small convos w your bm rather than being best friends w her. if you care so much about that side of your family, then please go be with them.

seriously. just go. i won’t be bitter. you’ve made it clear your whole entire life is about them. our argument was OBV about it, so stop wasting my time and energy. stop wasting my effort and love. and please stop hurting my baby. my baby feels so much pain every time I cry or I’m upset. and my baby doesn’t want that.

I don’t think my baby will ever feel apart of your family if he thinks I feel this way inside my tummy.

I can sit here and compare you to my ex. And you wouldn’t want that because I’d actually hit a nerve or two.

youve always put your bm first. now don’t get me wrong, but it’s always about her feelings over mine and my baby’s. I’ve cut out exes for you. I think it’s honestly time I bring them back into my life. and now don’t say you haven’t put her first!!!!! I mean I’m ignorant and childish??? I don’t wanna give her a chance? It’s MY right if I don’t want to hang out with someone. It’s MY choice. You will NEVER make that choice for me. I’ve had exes that made those choices for me and my parents. But because of that, I’m getting yelled at? I’m hurting your feelings? I’m doing something wrong? I’m wrong and you’re right?

Just because you’re frustrated and tired doesn’t mean you hurt me. I’m losing everything while you’re losing nothing. And I’m not saying that to make you feel like shit, but if I’m losing everything why do I have to compromise, why do I have to put my feelings before anyone else?

I don’t even need to give you a reason as to why I don’t want to be bffs w her. I just don’t. Plain and simple but instead of being a good boyfriend and saying, “you know what, I get it. I understand.” Once again, it’s not about MY feelings it’s about your other family’s. Actually. They are your only family. The baby and I aren’t. I’ve made that decision and there’s no way in hell youre gonna change that decision for me.

Plain and simple.

I can’t stop these tears because you actually hurt my feelings. I pray my little baby is okay. Too much stress can harm the baby, but I’m trying so hard always not be stressed but this doesn’t help. I’m sorry baby. Really, my love I’m sorry I’m so stressed out and momma can’t help it 😔 but please don’t give up on me right now when I don’t have anyone else.

It’s not like you care about the baby and I. I have my mind made up on that one too.

I hope you find in someone else whatever it is you’re looking for because I will never give you that. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to be a good girlfriend and obviously it wasn’t enough. I’m tired of fighting for your attention. I’m tired of proving to you I’m not like the rest. I’m just tired. I’m beyond done with the sadness and how lonely I feel. I’m done being treated like shit, like my baby and I don’t fucking matter.

It’s 3:32 am, you’re sleeping and I’m crying. I haven’t had an hour of sleep throughout the night.

My little baby must be wondering why I’m awake. Even though my baby can’t hear me rn.. I can promise you that from now on it’s me and you honey. It’s me and you against everyone. It’ll always just be me and you. And just like your father loves his other family more than anything, don’t you worry. Because I love you more than anything in this entire world and I’m willing to do anything for you.

[fakwed]

I just had a fight with my mom and I feel like she’s completely dismissing my feelings. Like, I’m really stressed out rn over homework, and have been since the first day that summer vacation started.

Every day I worry “I’m not going to be able to finish all this work” and it’s so stressful to constantly have that at the back of my mind all the time. Our fight started because I didn’t want to go to music class. I use to tell people it was a way to get relieve from my stress, but now it just feels like a burden and it’s even started to cause me more stress, so there’s that.

It also doesn’t help when any amount of homework causes me to stress and the work load for this summer is 3 chapters worth of reading for history, study guides and 2 other parts that go with it, my 3 section math homework with khan academy lessons, video lessons, and problems from a calc book, memorizing about 100 words for English and separate mini essays, my science homework, and my remedial online English course. So I feel <i>really</i> stressed out.

I have had less than 60 days to finish it all (i have about 2 weeks and a half left), and I’ve only finished my Spanish homework and a Spanish course to get ahead in my classes. So even with busting my ass for basically a whole month to finish Spanish stuff, my mom basically calls me lazy, “you already had a whole month to do your homework.”

Ok so now I’m going to write what pretty much happened: Before my mom gets home I text her “ma, can I stay home to do homework please” (note how I fuckin even said please, which I rarely say to others unless I really want something). When she gets home with my brother, I can obviously tell she didn’t read it because she still tells me to get ready to go to music class. I say “no I have to do my homework” which is what I was currently doing

She said “you had the whole day to do it”

I said “ i HAVE been doing it all day”

She said “good for you. Hurry up and get ready.”

Now I’m there like, ‘I can’t, I have homework. You’ve seen what i have to do, please let me do this.’ So I tell her, again, “I have to my homework.”

She says I can do it over there, or even on the way there. And I say “ I can’t concentrate there”

So I keep doing homework and my older brother says “you better not be missing out on music” And I’m just thinking in my head 'it’s not like I’m going to do anything with it,’ but I don’t say it out of fear. He stands up and is preparing to leave, but not without fucking trying to tickle me. Which I fuckin hate. I hate it when people touch me when I haven’t given any signal of “ok”. Even if it’s a hug or whatever. Don’t touch me unless I’m ok with it and you.

So I’m there very uncomfortable and already very upset and angry. The second time he tickles me I really wanted to just stab him with the pen I was holding. I was obviously not happy and angry but he kept on trying to tickle me. The third time I was fed up and brought the pen I was holding with my right hand next to my face and pretty much stabbed/poked him REALLY hard, but not hard enough for him to bleed because that would be god awful and I honestly don’t want that to happen.

But he goes ahead and says “god you stabbed me in the eye” but the tone in his voice wasn’t that of a pained person getting stabbed in the eye. And then he said, “just kidding. But you really almost did.” And he walks to the kitchen I think

*this is where things start to get abbot blurry

Mom comes back and something about me needing to get up to go. I stay put, continuing my work.

She insists, “hurry up. We need to go. You can do that over there.”

And that’s where I say that I can’t concentrate. Then she says I can do it on my way there during the car ride. I get upset but I don’t remember if I said I can’t concentrate there ether or if I stayed silent.

I go back to doing my work and I seal my lips. My mom says “hurry and get up.” I’m silent. She says it again, “get up or I’m going to take those from you.”

So I think, 'Really? You’re really going to take away my HOMEWORK???? FOR NOT WANTING TO GO TO MUSIC CLASS???? SO I CAN HAVE THE TIME TO DO MY WORK???’

So now I’m even more upset. How can she criticize me for trying to do my homework.

“Stop throwing a tantrum,” she says. I stay silence and continue my work.

She loses her patience and snatches my history homework and puts it on the bed. I internally laugh because I know I have enough papers to take out if she continues taking my papers. So I get my history chapter 1 study guide, but she takes that away too.

“I dot have time for you to be playing around!” She’s furious.

“IM NOT PLAYING AROUND,” I fuckin lose it. Never have I been playing around. Actually, I stopped messing around months, maybe even years ago. It just feels like too much.

She speaks again, “Don’t yell at me!”

I respond with something like, “YOURE THE ONE YELLING AT <b>M E </b>!!!!” So now we’re both furious, but I have years worth of stress and being looked down upon all pent up and boiling inside me. But instead of it fueling my anger, it just made me brake down crying. I felt totally useless, upset, angry, heartbroken, and very small. I hunched over onto the table and brought my arms up to cover my head, crying. I was whimpering.

She yells something like “you’ve had ((a certain amount of time of something)) to do your work, so I don’t wanna see you stressing on the last day because you didn’t do your work!!”

And I scream, “I HAD A LITERAL MONTH!!!!”

And she responds, “YEAH a 'little’ month!”

She misheard me, so I repeated, “A 'L I T E R A L’ MONTH!!” By now my words are starting to slur.

While we were fighting, I’d notice my brother on the bed silently listening, we were in he living room btw. God I felt so ashamed, but my anger pushed that aside and we’d continue arguing.

She says something about my phone being the reason I’m so stressed out or whatever (not sure if it was before or after I scream at her–what I’m about to type)

And I scream, “IVE BEEN STRESSES SINCE THE FIRST DAY!!!!” And I swear, I broke my own heart. The tears began their, what felt like a never-ending flow.

I don’t remember what she yelled back (probably about the phone being why I’m so stressed). But I remember her being fed up and told my little brother to get up because they’re leaving.

To somehow prove my point of how desperate I am to finish my homework, I lean over to the bed as quickly as I can and I grab them, noticing I crumpled up part of them once I retrieved them.

After they left, I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t contain the noises that slipped out. I was a mess. I was shaking, I couldn’t breathe properly, with sharp inhales and such, and I felt so broken.

I tried things that might help me calm down, like pacing, rubbing my legs, and breathing exercises. I went to the bathroom and blew my nose. I got a paper towel and got it wet with cold water and put it under my eyes.

Of course the first thing I do is try is to stop crying and look like nothing happened. Of course.

Ive been crying for over an hour, with tears being on and off.

I caught myself saying “I can’t be like this,” and quickly assured myself I shouldn’t say that, but instead, “it shouldn’t be like this. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve this. This shouldn’t happen.”

I tried to assure myself, but that just made me cry more, because I knew I had such a horrible self-esteem and that’s a whole other issue I brought in.

While crying, I thought “great. Know our relationship is ruined. When she comes back, I’m not going to talk to her.” Because that’s how I am. I ignore things I don’t like. I try to stay away from them. Now the only good relationship I have is with my little brother and I’m terrified i might mess it up. He doesn’t deserve this either. And the thing is, i used to take my frustration out on him, and recently I’ve noticed I’ve become more irritable with him. So now I’m scared of making him feel horrible too. I don’t want to hit him again, we’ve finically mended our relationship. I don’t want to break it again. Recently, I’ve noticed how lonely I am.

#very personal #still crying #so sad #sad #heartbroken #I feel so powerless #summer of 2017