#is it really comphet or do you just have internalised biphobia

[dawningfairytale]

okay i feel like i have to make this post to know it’s out in the aether

whatever imogen’s canon sexuality is revealed to be next season, we will respect it!! if she’s like “yeah i’m a lesbian” we’ll give our girl all the sunset flags and icons. if she says “yeah i’m bi” we’ll shroud her in pink purple and blue. if she says “yeah i’m pan” we’ll give her all the pinks and yellows and blues her heart desires. if she says “yeah, i don’t want a label” we won’t give her one. these examples are non-exclusive, there are many more ways she could identify!!

what we’re not going to do is “yeah, i know she said she was a lesbian, but actually she really seemed like she was into nick/ben, so she’s just got internalised biphobia and is lying to herself” or “yeah, i know she said she was bi, but her attraction to men seems so comphet so she’s probably actually just a lesbian”. no. no. whoever she is stated to be, we will accept and embrace.

i know that, generally, the tumblr heartstopper fandom is good and accepting. and ofc you can theorise between seasons, in fact it’s encouraged!! this is just something i wanted to put out there

#imogen heaney

[lilacbestpurple]

For what it’s worth, I did identify as aroace when I was younger. I was dealing with internalised homophobia and biphobia, but also mental health issues which caused me to be wary and downright hostile to the idea of ever being in a relationship. As a result, I ended up repressing my attraction to anyone.

One day, I decided to see if there was a group of people who didn’t feel attraction to anyone (of course I knew about straight people, and upon learning about gay people, it clocked that bisexuals would exist, which I’m pretty relieved about given how many people have to learn later that there’s not just straight/gay out there) and lo and behold, asexuals! And with that, I decided to learn about asexuality... through online spaces. With this came posts validating asexuals who had sexual fantasies, who wanted sex, who were having sex, etc. The same for aromantics who wanted and were having romantic relationships. So I used the label aroace for a year or so.

Now, it’s hopefully obvious that I wasn’t actually aroace at the time. I had an unhealthy view of relationships and was using the aroace label to avoid relationships (read: avoid confronting my issues). It ‘felt’ right, but it wasn’t actually right - I accepted these messages that signs of attraction didn’t really mean you felt attraction because the idea that I could feel attraction (and the possible consequences) was terrible to me, when what I really needed to do was 1) acknowledge that feelings can exist and manifest in healthy ways and 2) confront my internalised homophobia and biphobia.

To be clear: using a label that does not really fit you isn’t unique to asexuality or aromanticism. Some gay people identify as bisexual because they want an identity that will allow them to access straight(-passing) privilege (although how successful this is is... a post for another time). Some bisexual people identify as gay/lesbian because they don’t want to be seen as an overtly sexual or greedy person. But I feel there’s not (as much) content about ‘gay people can fantasise about and want to have sex with someone of the opposite sex/gender despite not being attracted to them’, with the exception of comphet lesbians - and even then, those discussions usually conclude that it’s unhealthy to want sex with someone you’re not attracted to.

Meanwhile, people rush out of the gates to validate aromantic and asexual people who have relationships and sex with people they aren’t attracted to. I probably would not have been able to deny myself had I not been receiving the message that “enjoying thinking about intimacy with someone is not a sign of attraction.” I’m willing to bet my money that there were other gay/lesbian/bi people questioning themselves who were affected by this.

And this idea that it’s fine to have romantic/sexual relationships with people to whom you aren’t attracted in that way will hurt aromantic and asexual people too. In fact, it’ll hurt anyone, because you shouldn’t feel like being in a relationship just because and you shouldn’t expect relationships from people who won’t be into relationships with you.

#my words #lgbt #lgbt+ #ace #asexual #asexuality #ace discourse #asexual discourse #lgbtq #lgbtq+

[nineteeneightywhore]

“yeah i have really bad comphet. it’s so bad i date men and want longterm relationships with them and can picture myself with men i know and—“

(read the mf tags before arguing, please)

#can we stop with pretending bisexuality in women is comphet #there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual it’s wonderful and valid #is it really comphet or do you just have internalised biphobia? #also this is not to diminish the reality of comphet #that is very real and i’m sorry for any lesbians who experience that #this is specifically to non men who label attraction to men as comphet #ok #thank u #lgbt memes #bisexual #bi pride #bisexual pride #bisexual memes #comphet #lgbtq #lgbt discourse #lgbtpeople

[vampish-glamour]

I have noticed it a couple of times from people who are anti gold star lesbians/gay people assuming that any person who has ever dated the opposite sex is bi and can not be gay. I totally understand wanting more bi visibility and that it gets exhausting seeing bisexuality be constantly erased in favor of straight or gay. Or people who assume anyone who has ever dated the opposite sex and later on dated the same sex must be gay in denial or dealing with internalised homophobia and comphet. But the whole idea that gay people don't date the opposite sex out of hatred for their sexuality, to deny it (especially if they are a celebrity or so) and for literal conversion therapy is just stupid imo. I might have went a bit overboard because your post was more focused on celebrities especially ones who did not confirm or deny but I hope I still made sense.

You did make sense!

There’s lots of cases of gay people dating, or even marrying, the opposite sex. It could be for many different reasons, maybe they haven’t figured out they’re gay yet, maybe they know and are trying to repress their sexuality, maybe they think they can “fix” themselves… honestly the reasons are near endless because it might be different for every individual.

So it’s really annoying to see people claiming that if a gay person was with the opposite sex in the past, it means they’re bi. When that’s often not the case.

I’m not denying that there’s a problem with defining bisexuals by who they date, because that absolutely is a problem and has proven to be a problem. But there also seems to be an issue with people not understanding that not all homosexuals are going to be living openly or being accepting of themselves.

Really the solution for this is to just not call anybody anything specific unless they say so themselves. Otherwise you’re just speculating and using biphobia or a black and white view of homosexuality to do so.

#asks #anon

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

hi. i'm bisexual but i thought i was a lesbian for literal years because i would always see like, posts saying that if ur attraction to men feels weird or uncomfortable it's just comphet. when in reality it could be internalized biphobia or past trauma! but anyways yeah here's the thing. i've wholly accepted my attraction to both men and women now but i still feel quite uncomfortable around men who i like?? i just feel so weird and apprehensive and scared. vs with women i feel giddy. i don't know how to get over this or why it's happening, because i want the chance to be intimate with both. but there's like.. some kind of block that prevents me from fully leaning into my attraction to men? i don't think i have any past trauma related to them? unless maybe dad stuff? but just fmhdknfda it's frustrating. i know y'all aren't therapists but maybe someone has a word of advice?

I guess that can be tough when you’ve been convinced for years that you’re a lesbian. It also (I assume) means that you haven’t had any or not a lot of intimate experience with men so some of the anxiety might come from that. Like... while “““everyone else”““ has made those experiences already, you haven’t. Of course that’s not really true bc everyone moves at their own pace anyway and it also shouldn’t matter but it might be what your brain is stuck in. If that’s the case then I’d say that any decent guy would not mind a lack of experience at all and would be happy to accomodate you and make this work as you explore something that might be new to you.

Also, I’m not sure how out you are/were as a lesbian? If you were out as that then another aspect might now be that you feel guilty for “““betraying the lesbian community”““ and dread re-coming out. Again, also bullshit because people can change their labels at any time, but sometimes our brains are weird and we put much higher expectations onto ourselves than we would put on others.

I guess the best advice here is to just try not to freak out. Do what feels right and take your time. But it’s always fine to take a step back and take a time out when it’s getting too much. And if you realise there are some general trust issues with men then perhaps it does make sense to talk about that in a couple of therapy sessions, even if there wasn’t any severe trauma in your past.

Also also.... have you considered specifically trying to date queer men? That’s a very valid choice and might make it easier for you to trust them because the whole aspect of them having to accept your queerness isn’t gonna be a problem? Though I would also suggest trying to internalise that cishet men can also be wonderful partners to queer women.

Do you have any male friends? Maybe it could also be a good first step just to hang out with guys more without any intention of dating them just so you can get used to being around men and interacting with them?

I really don’t have any concrete solution here, so this was more of a brainstorming but I hope it helps.

Maddie

#Anonymous

[screwtheprinceimtakingthehorse]

Reading Journal: Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales

SPOILER WARNING: This reading journal contains major spoilers for the events of this story. If you'd like to read the (mostly) spoiler-free review, you can head over to Rainbow Bookshelf's Perfect on Paper review.

Aside from teenage angst, another thing that Darcy feels that really resonated with me was the ‘you’re just not queer enough, either.’ And it really touched me that, despite their conflict, Raina supported Darcy in that meeting at the Queer & Questioning Club. I really appreciate that she called Alexei out on gaslighting Darcy by saying that it’s all just in her head and no-one thinks that about her — the implication being, ‘or about other bisexuals.’ The #DropTheB isn't something we collectively hallucinated. Self-doubt fostered in bisexual queers by internalised and outright biphobia is often dismissed as “insecurity.”

In queer spaces, we’re not allowed to talk about our experiences with different-gender partners because “straight” relationships have no place at Pride. But our relationships are, by definition, not straight. We’re in them: we’re queer. I myself am in a relationship with another bi woman, and it’s so freeing because neither of us feels like we have to downplay our attraction to men, or past relationships with them.

“Straight-passing privilege” is also often ascribed to bi people in “het-presenting” (there’s not enough quotation marks in the world for how that phrase makes me feel) relationships, which is interesting because it hinges on marriage equality being held up as the gold standard for lack of societal scrutiny; which kind of ignores that it pushes a narrative of assimilation to heteronormative standards. (That’s not to say that the attendant considerations — being your partner’s medical contact, health insurance, taxation and benefits — aren’t a big part of that as well. But too often, the public perception is also that once marriage equality is achieved, the fight has ended. When in fact, it’s only just begun.)

We ‘pass’ as straight only as long as no-one knows we’re bisexual; and that’s just being in the closet — there’s no privilege in hiding who you are. As soon as we’re out as bi and not in a wlw/mlm relationship, we’re condescended to by the hets and the queers! Fun! One side of the fence ask us why we’re still acting ‘spicy’ if we’re not gonna ‘go full gay’ anyway — especially if we marry that partner — and the other side calls us traitors to the cause. (Remember the meltdown when Stephanie Beatriz married a straight guy? I do.)

I understand the argument of hypervisibility in public spaces: my girlfriend and I are hypervisible when we are out together. But you know what’s the true cause of that? Heteronormativity, baby! But in the current Discourse, it seems that the bisexuals are once again everyone’s favourite target to project their frustration onto because we “refuse to pick a side.” Or some of us pick the wrong one. Our attraction to different-gender partners is either invalidated as ‘comphet’ or used as a prop to blame us for straight people’s homophobia. When we’re accused of being “over-represented” in pop culture (lol) because we make ourselves more “palatable” to straight people by not rejecting them from our lives outright, that’s… not our fault? That’s straight-dominated media commodifying us.

Hypervisibility and visibility politics are also intrinsically linked to the closet & forcing people out of it for “the good rep.” For some, visibility means freedom. For others, it’s dangerous. And no matter on which side we land, we cannot dictate to others what to do or how to feel about their choices. See also: Becky Albertalli.

Acting as though heteronormativity and erasure of our queer identities isn’t doing a number on bi people because checks notes we can get married whenever, is not cute.

Visually passing being a factor in straight people’s acceptance is undoubtedly a thing. But that acceptance goes away as soon as they know. Which means, in order to pass, the closet it is. For everyone. (Unless it’s regarding absolute strangers in the street. I personally find making “do random cishets hate you on sight” the arbiter of Real Queerness really fucking daft.) The commodification of privilege in queer spaces renders the discussion moot when there are so many more factors entering the equation, including but not limited to race, class, gender presentation, and the inevitable fact that by infighting and haggling over fucking assimilation points, we’re doing patriarchy’s work for it, free of charge.

Telling bi people that they are wrong to choose one relationships over the other replicates homophobic talking points. For how long have we been trying to tell the cishets that queerness isn’t a choice?

Brooke says she doesn’t understand why Darcy would go for a boy when there’s “perfectly good girls around.”

Stop.

We can discuss and dismantle toxic masculinity without invalidating the choices of our friends and partners. Bi women and men — who report the highest numbers of domestic violence and sexual assault in relationships — deserve allies, too. We need them.

And hearing the Q & Q Club reaffirm that felt really, really good.

This was my experience reading Perfect on Paper, and the things it made me feel as a bisexual woman. And even though it may seem as though it has dislodged an airing of grievances, it was good to get to this off my chest! The acceptance that Darcy feels within that community of queer people made it possible for me to write all of this.

I wholeheartedly recommend reading this novel — mainly and simply because it's sweet, charming, and sincere; but also because it's making a damn good point. Because as a bisexual woman, I recognise myself in Darcy.

My Ko-fi ☕️

#biphobia #queer literature #bi pride #bi erasure #bisexual character

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Is crushing on a celebrity of the same gender for a bisexual women is consider as an unrealistic attraction or not real attraction ? Fist time I found out I am a bisexual is when I was attracted to an actress so here where I realized my sexuality and I was happy but however I’ve read about comphet that when a lesbian crush on a celebrity who’s a man it’s unrealistic attraction and that you shouldn’t based your sexuality on unrealistic things because you cannot reach, touch or talk to them (1/2)

So I was worried, I know I am not lesbian but what if it was the same case for bi who crush on or being attracted to a celebrity of the same gender ? is it a fake attraction bc I cannot reach them ? I am actually str8 bc most of women I was attracted to are celebrity ? I tried to wash these thoughts away by reminding myself I want to date non-celebrity women but the worries still had affect on me and even if I am a real bi I don’t wish my attraction to celebrities -men/women/nb- to be fake (2/2) 

aaaaand one more reason why I dislike how big the talk about “comphet” is on this hellsite. Its transphobic background is the main reason but it also really ends up failing m-spec wlw.

Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s totally correct that some lesbians have celebrity crushes on men and they can still be lesbians. But that’s not because ~all celebrity crushes are not real~. It’s because every person gets to choose their own label and interprete their feelings/crushes/attractions for themselves. If someone identifies as a lesbian then they should be trusted with that judgement. Even if they have a male celebrity crush I trust them to be able to decide for themselves how “real” that is or not.

However, it is a really skewed logic to hear “some lesbians have crushes on male celebrities and that’s okay because that attraction isn’t real™” and come to the conclusion that “all celebrity crushes are fake”. Darling, I can show you a group chat full of bisexuals lusting after James Spader on the daily and I’m sure none of them would agree that their attraction to him isn’t real. Just because we’ll realistically never be able to bang that boy, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the fantasy or that the thirst is “not real”.

I’d also go as far as saying that sometimes when a lesbian has a crush on a male celebrity that attraction can be “real” (whatever the fuck that even means) in some way. But there’s different kinds of attraction and again, if someone still feels like a lesbian despite celeb crushes on guys then I don’t question or doubt that because it’s their sexuality and I would never dare to know better how to describe or label it.

This all feels a bit rambly so I hope you can still follow my argument here which is: it’s up to you to decide how relevant your attraction to celebrities and non-celebs (whatever gender they are) is and how that influences or determines your sexual identity. Some people might make a clear distinction between “what happens in celebrity fantasy land” and “what I actually want in real life” - that’s how you get a-spec people who lust after celebrities but aren’t interested in any of that in real life. But I think the majority of people who have celebrity crushes don’t really doubt the “realness” of that attraction. Like... my celebrity crushes are exactly the type of people I find attractive in my everyday life as well.

So I think you need to stop overanalysing this and just trust your own judgement that you are bi. And maybe consume some more m-spec content instead of lesbian content on tumblr. Of course there can be overlaps between lesbians and bi experiences but it can be really counterproductive for non-lesbian wlw to always compare their experiences to lesbians because it leads to the idea that you can only be a wlw if you experience the exact same things that lesbians do. There’s also some internalised biphobia you may wanna work on so I’m gonna link you to my special post about that here.

Maddie

#Anonymous

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I feel kinda trapped using any monosexual label, I get sad to the thought I will have to spend my entire life focusing on just one gender, I don’t want to “choose”. But sometimes I really think I’m a lesbian cause I have some signs of comphet, like being uncomfortable when a boy says he likes me, but I also identify with some things you guys say bi women do, like being obsessed over gay porn. I don’t know, I’m so confused

“comphet” is a concept created by a TERF and despite being helpful to some lesbians and other queer women I think given its origins isn’t really a concept you should care about too much, espcially if you don’t fully relate to it. The concept just pretty much falls flat when it comes to non-monosexual women. Like... a bi women might be able to relate to some elements of it but that doesn’t mean she’s actually a lesbian, however “comphet” is often used as a justification for biphobia. Also it is not an exclusively lesbian experience to be uncomfortable with men. Many women have that because patriarchy, people on the ace/aro-spectrum have that and yes, also bi women have that sometimes.

Reasons why bi women might be uncomfortable with attention from (certain) men are: the guy could be a stereotypical Straight Guy who fetishises bisexual women; she might have sexual trauma caused by men and despite being attracted to men she’s still scared of them; she might be afraid of her queerness being totally erased when dating a man (which wouldn’t happen to the same extent when dating a woman); she might not like the idea of leading a “traditional” m/f relationship but doesn’t know how to subvert gender roles and heteronormativity when dating a man.

You see.... there’s plenty of reasons (and probably mroe than the ones I just came up with) that can explain why a bi woman - especially one who’s not yet entirely comfortable with her sexuality - might be uncomfortable when a man signals that he likes her.

Anon, I’m not here to tell you “you are x” or “you are y”. That’s for you to decide. Maybe you are a lesbian and it’s internalised lesbiphobia that’s keeping you from embracing that identitiy. Everything’s possible. But if you currently feel uncomfortable in a strictly monosexual label then don’t use one. At least not now. You can always change your label(s) later if things change and become clearer for you. But until then you can identify as “bisexual” even if you’re not exactly sure whether it’s perfectly right for you. Even if it’s just the closest approximation to your individual unique sexuality then that’s good enough of a reason to use it.

Also, there’s more options than just “lesbian” versus “bi”. You can call yourself “sapphic” or “non-monosexual” (yes, that’s a valid identity in and of itself!) or “homoflexible” if you think it’s a matter of preference. Or have you thought about just using “queer”? The beauty of that label is how open and vague it is. It simply means not-straight and/or not-cis. It can be both monosexual and non-monosexual. It can include attraction to men or not. It can be anything you want it to be.

Maddie

#Anonymous