#that is very real and i’m sorry for any lesbians who experience that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cowboyjen68 · 4 months

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Hi Jen, sorry for dumping a big rant in your askbox but your blog has helped me figure out my identity and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life lol. Feel free to delete if this is too weird.

So I’m a 17 y/o butch, and I have been masculine since I was a little kid. I always felt lucky to have a family that was generally okay with my gender nonconformity. They treated it like a cute quirk of mine, and I never felt like I was being judged or that I should change the way I am around them. My dad got a kick out of it. One summer he let me help him build the deck in our backyard. He always took me to baseball games, he dressed me up in his old clothes, basically treated me like I was his son and I loved it.

I feel like as I get older, my masculinity becomes less acceptable. I went to visit my paternal grandmother for the holidays, hadn’t seen her in a few years, and the first thing she said to me was “I thought you would’ve grown out of all that by now” (in reference to my haircut and outfit, I think.) I just don’t know how to react to the way my extended family treats me now. They used to be totally fine with it, but I spent my entire Christmas feeling like I was being judged for every little thing.

Like, what’s changed? Why is it cute and funny when a little girl wears boy’s clothes and wrestles with her cousins, but disgusting when I grow up and settle into my masculinity?

It’s like I’ve crossed the invisible line between being a tomboy and being a dyke, and now no one wants to entertain it anymore.

Again, sorry for the rant haha, I just feel like I’m going crazy because I tried to talk to my sister about it and she said she didn’t notice them acting any different, but I swear my aunt spent half of our Christmas dinner telling me how pretty I would be if I just wore a bit of makeup lmaoo. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, because I’m feeling pretty lost right now. Thanks, and happy holidays!

It is not weird at all. I hear that young lesbians, particularly butches, do not have older role models to bounce ideas off of or vent or get any perspective on certain experiences. Moms and Dads and straight sisters and cousins, no matter how well meaning, will just not always "get" what is happening. They say things like "we love you no matter what" and "we don't care if you are a lesbian" and they mean it, mostly. But they often don't see the subtle clues (or blatant ones)they toss around that indicates how uncomfortable they are with you being so visible, but just existing as you naturally are.

AND OH MY GOSH yes I have experienced exactly what you are talking about with the deepening judgement as you move from a cute little Tomboy to an adult butch women. It is almost like they hope to "catch it early" when we are in our teens and redirect us away from the "danger" of being a visible lesbian. And a woman who does not, in very overt ways, conform to their idea of how a woman should be and act.

My dad was relatively consistent in treating me pretty much like he would a son and, to his credit, he did so with my straight sister. We were allowed to do just about anything my older brothers did. In part because my sister was pretty strong willed but also a lot like him. I was less strong willed but she had mowed the path.

Mom was the one who was forever concerned about my looks and behavior, both out of worry I would not fit in, and because she had a certain expectation of how her daughter should grow up. Both normal Mom reactions. She understood bullies and knew that sticking out could be difficult. Her solution was not to strengthen my resilience but to attempt to "tone me down". Her efforts increased as I made the jump from kid to teen and into my late teens. She would discourage me from cutting my hair, becoming almost angry when I brought it up. She would tell me how lovely I was in dresses and skirts and say thing like " a little make up would be nice". It got really old. It lead to us not always getting along even though I loved and respected my mom. She was a great mom. But this one thing made us both crazy. She could not cool it and I could not change who I was.

Friends at school saw hints of my liking girls. I stopped wearing cowboy boots and my favorite horse buckle and it their place went with K Mart Tennis shoes and a generic belt that came with my pants, again, from Kmart. I put away the cowboy fringed shirts and flannel and went with simple jeans and sweatshirts, the acceptable attire for boys and girls in my rural high school. I kept my hair long to disguise my "looking like a boy" traits.

I (barf) agreed to date a boy and spent the better part of that time making excuses to not kiss him or spent time with him. I was starting to listen to mom and do my best to hide ME from the world. Anything (with in reason) to throw the world off the scent, the scent of me being a lesbian. Being butch made that one more step difficult.

It is hard to hide the space we take up naturally.

It might seem hard to see it now by your family is slightly well intentioned, knowing that being "seen" easily as a lesbian can be dangerous. But also, they are uncomfortable with your energy and physical presence because it does not coincide with their ideas of what a woman acts, feels and moves like. This is a THEM problem and I can give you words of comfort based on experience.

The more you begin to be you, and dress in what gives you comfort the more your confidence will grow and be evident. People who are emboldened to try and change you for their own comfort tend to back way off when there is no opening for their opinions. They just sort of realize they are wasting time. AND for those that don't, there are always a few, you don't have to give them any air or acknowledgement. You get to let them waste time and energy while you look great in whatever you wish to wear and however you wish to cut your hair. And in a wonderful turn around, you don't have to spend any effort just being you or trying to defend or correct them.

You are fast approaching adulthood and with that will come even more freedom and independence. Don't rush it but also, work towards that.

#butch #lesbian #family #unwanted opinions of family

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zethwritesss · 10 months

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Heartthrob

modern au: actress!ellie x actor!reader, afab!r, reader plays a female character, but they/them pronouns are used for reader.

Warnings: cursing, no use of y/n, reader is not fem, angst, fluff, eventual; kissing, substance use and smut. ALSO SPOILERS FOR 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU!!

Synopsis: Following a recent heartbreak you promise to never fall for another person again. Ironically you’ve been chosen to play a lead role alongside oscar-winning, Ellie Williams. Ellie is an actress you’ve looked up to since you started your acting journey. “10 things i hate about you” is a lesbian rom-com parody of the 1999 film of the same name. Despite the acting being a breeze you’ve encountered a major problem; can you and Ellie keep the romance on the set only?

word count: over 1k

Authors note: i don’t know how long this fic will end up being but your support and reblogs are very appreciated! also enjoy the little phone call audio!! i watched the movie last night and rip heath:((( GO WATCH THE GODDAMN MOVIE IF YOU HAVENT ALTHOUGH THIS IS A SFW POST MINORS AND MEN DONT INTERACT

soooo… with out further adieu:

Heartthrob: The Prologue

The clock read 7:04pm, you were situated in your tiny apartment located in L.A. Your phone buzzed, you picked it up quickly, excited that your crush, Freya had texted you. You and Freya had matched on a dating app over a month ago and things were going good so far.

Your heart sunk to your chest, your hands began to shake as you felt that familiar pain of heartbreak seep back into you. It's a feeling that you hate with every fiber of your being. It is one that leaves you unable to function for days on end. The girl who you had stupidly fallen for unfortunately had commitment issues, you mourned what you two could’ve had, the dates you could’ve gone on and you couldvt watched the cheesiest of rom coms together. “I will never fall for another girl again” you promised yourself, now ever so aware of the pain that loving someone can cause you to experience. You decided to send your friend Dina a message.

Speaking of rom coms you’re supposed to hear if you got the lead role for “10 things i hate about you'' the highly-anticipated, sapphic parody of the 1999 movie of the same name, starring Juilia Stiles and Heath Ledger. The role you auditioned for was for Kat Stratford, an abrasive but beautiful girl, who’s temperament leads her to not attract many women- and the rule her father has placed, which is that Kat’s younger sister can’t date unless Kat herself has a date. Over the course of the film Kat falls for a girl named Sarah.

Sarah is portrayed by Oscar-award winning actress Ellie Williams, Ellie has made herself well known as the lesbian heartthrob of the 2020s. Her presence sends any lesbian onto their knees, turning them into nothing but a muttering-stuttering gay-panic.

Thinking about working alongside her gave you chills and made your stomach do flips. You and Ellie were roughly around the same age, but she felt way out of your league. You’ve always looked up to Ellie since you saw her in her breakout film. She was an extremely talented actress, and has definitely made a name for herself.

You hear your door unlock. “Hey, I'm here! Where are you?” Dina says with a worried tone in her voice, she knows when you don’t give her much context to the situation that something has definitely happened.

“'m over here” you reply quietly.

Dina walks into your living room. You’re curled up in a ball on the couch, eyes red and puffy from crying. “Aww noo- what happened?”

“Freya and i- fuck… w- we didn’t work out.” You said, in between sobs, Dina hugged you, her hand rubbing your back as she held you. “I am so sorry to hear that- what can I do to help you out here hun? You’re pretty distraught”

“I- i don’t know Dina.” you said, quietly. “Maybe a distraction could help?”

“Ooh! Why dont you tell me about that role you auditioned for!?”

“oh yeah! You’ve seen the original movie right?”

“Yep I have! I’m really excited to see how this movie turns out!” Dina said, smiling, you could tell she was really excited.

“i auditioned for Kat Stratford- i don’t think i’ll get it though- OH FUCK- they haven’t even called me back yet!” You said to Dina, starting to get worried that they wouldn’t call you back.

You were an anxious, emotional heart-broken mess and desperately needed that lead role. Having that lead role would give you something to look forward to. Your phone rang, you quickly picked it up, hands shaking as you anxiously awaited your results. You set your phone down on the coffee table and set it to speaker.

“Hey, this is Jessica! You auditioned for the role of ´Kat Stratford’ in ‘10 things i hate about you’ right?”

“mhm- yep that’s me!”

You twiddle your thumbs together. “deep breaths” you tell yourself. You and Dina looked at eachother.

“Well congratulations! you got it!”

“Oh my god!! Thank you so much! I really needed to hear this.” you said, as a sigh of relief went through your entire body.

“Wait before you hang up, I've got someone else who wants to talk to you! Give me a minute as I transfer you over to her”

You and Dina were freaking out, excited butterflies erupting in your stomach. Dina had brought you into a very tight hug.

The phone switched over to the other person on the other end.

“Hey! It’s Ellie here! I wanted to congratulate you personally on the role, it’s well deserved! I'm really excited to meet you and work alongside you! I'll see you at the script reading on Monday!” Dina gasped and you put your hand over your mouth in shock.

“Oh my gosh it's such an honour to meet you Ellie!”

“And the same to you, you’ve got quite the talent for acting! Also feel free to write down my number, It’d be good for us to get to know each other before we start!”

“Yeah! Sounds good!” Out of the corner of your eye you saw Dina writing down Ellie's number on her notes app! “Thank god for Dina she’s a lifesaver for real” you thought to yourself.

“Don’t be shy and shoot me a message!! Really looking forward to connecting with you! Take care and see you soon.”

“Bye Ellie!”

“see ya later!”

Ellie hung up the phone and you looked at Dina, no words could come out of your mouth at the moment- your mouth hanged open in shock. You and Dina squealed and you two started jumping up and down out of the euphoria you were feeling.

“DINA- WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS THAAATTTT…”

“I DONT KNOW but i'm so happy for you! you’ve worked your ass off man!! This is well deserved!” Dina exclaimed.

“Dina give me her number- WOAH that sounds unreal. Ellie Williams herself gave me HER NUMBER LIKE WHAT THE FUCKKKKK!!! All of the stans would kill to have those 9 digits! Is this a dream? Dina, slap me please!”

You said, your brain trying to process what happened.

Dina slapped you hard on the arm. “OW- Yep i’m definitely not dreaming”

“NO you are not-”

Your heart was still broken but you had something to hope for and something to look forward to, which really helps you move on. And Dina helps you too, Dina gives you that shoulder to lean on, she’s always got your back and you’ve always got hers!

TAGLIST: @m-3-ijiworld @anchoeritic @no-nameno-face @dropsofs4turn @little-star-bun @girlescapes @elliespookie

#ellie williams x reader #tlou fanfiction #modern!ellie williams #zethwritesssfanfic #actress!ellie williams #ellie x afab!reader #zee zee's heartthrob

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bigbroadvice · 20 days

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Hi, I want to preface this with the fact I was raised in a conservative home, homeschooled, and very .. insulated from people I guess. My first public schooling experience was college and I only made a few friends I kept at arms length for a while. So I don’t know a ton of people.

I have recently been questioning a lot about politics and religion and science (I was never taught about evolution either and am just now learning about it) and I am .. questioning LGBT stuff and I was wondering if you know of studies proving LGBT identities? Or evidence for them? I was raised being told they just didn’t exist and the idea that they could be real is .. I guess amazing to me. I’m so sorry if this sounds cruel at all. I support and love my LGBT friends, I just don’t understand if there’s any science or proof behind it and .. I’m kind of questioning if I’m LGBT too but I really need evidence or I know I’ll never be accepted by my family. Are there studies proving people can be born gay or trans? Or anything else? Something like that? I’ve found studies looking at trans brains that look promising and the hemispheres and hypothalamus of gay and lesbian people but idk if there’s anything else.. thank you in advance.

Sorry this took so long to respond. I felt like I needed to do some research for it but I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water with college work.

Don’t worry, this is a perfectly valid question given where you’re coming from and that’s exactly what I’m here for, all the questions you’re not sure who else to ask.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re already doing a really thourough job researching, in fact I’d love to see what you’ve found. I’m not sure what kind of scientific proof I could find for you that LGBT people are real. It’s like finding research that proves the sun is real. Of course it is, it’s right there. Queer people are everywhere and always have been.

But I understand that you were raised in an environment that went to great lengths to deny that reality. I was also homeschooled in a very conservative home and while they couldn’t outright deny the existence of queer people because I had some access to the outside world and knew I myself was queer, they did try their very hardest to explain it away as something you get infected with, confusion, a choice, and/or sin.

I don’t know all the science behind why people are queer, I just know that they are and there’s no changing it. Some people are naturally attracted to another sex, and some people are naturally attracted to the same one. Some people have always felt comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth, and some people never have and never will. People will try to tell you that can be changed, but it can’t. They used to try to medicate it like a disees but all that did was make people depressed or feel nothing at all, not start feeling attraction for the opposite sex.

Growing up, they told me that if I prayed enough and did all the right things I could stop being queer if I wanted it enough. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a lie. I went though years of conversion therapy and am still just as queer as I’ve always been. No amount of bible verses and earnest pleading prayers and counseling sessions and exorcisms was able to make that go away, it just made life miserable.

The only choice involved in being LGBT is weather you choose to love or hate yourself for it. It’s not going away, so you can either choose to live in shame and keep yourself from things that would make you happy, or you can embrace it and live freely.

If you’re looking for more avenues to research, I’d recommend queer history. It’s really eye opening seeing how queer people have always existed in every time period and every culture, through persecution and celebration. We have been and always will be here for as long as humanity is, because we’re an inextricable part of it.

#big bro advice #cw religion #cw conversion therapy #cw christianity #cw homophobia #cw religious trauma #lgbtq #lgbtq community #queer #queer community #queer history #lgbt

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butchspace · 7 months

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hello :-) sorry if this is an awkward ask but... i’m a teenage nonbinary lesbian who has been recently been thinking that i might be/want to be butch, because the identity really speaks to me, especially after i’ve been reading up on lesbian history and butch/femme culture. but i’m very insecure about earnestly identifying with the term because i don’t feel like i am confident or strong enough to call myself butch. is this something that other butches experience? i’m kind of at a loss for how to continue exploring my identity, because i don’t know many other lesbians in real life, and i don’t know any butches at all. i guess i’d just like some guidance if that’s possible. thank you.<3

Yes! This is very common among butches. I don’t identify as one anymore, but I’ll say I definitely felt that and saw that in the community when I did. You’re valid, anon

#ask #butch tag

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sapphic-luthor · 1 year

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different anon here but does your gf have any good lesbian media/book recs (since she read so many lesbian books in such a short amount of time lol)!!

gf said, and i quote,

“i’m going to take the rest of the day off to work on this list”

so without further ado, here is her short list of recs copied straight from her (and with my own comments in italics for the ones i know):

Okay! So here’s my book recommendations.

- Fingersmith by Sarah Waters. Loved this book, love all Sarah’s books (haven’t read the non-gay one though, sorry not sorry). Sarah is a great one for the twists and I enjoyed this one so much that I actually recommended the book to my mam and she also loved it. The story is gay + set in the 19th century + lady/handmaiden trope so what’s not to like. Also really recommend. For related media, there’s a BBC miniseries based off of it, and a film by Park Chan-wook called The Handmaiden, which is honest to god one of the best films ever made. It is harrowing, but it is brilliant.

- Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters. Again, gay + set in the 19th century. Explores the queer scene in Victorian London to its full extent. A real page turner. GREAT fun, a little dark at points, but good and raunchy.

- The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters. Gay + 1920s + yearning + tense + murder + dramatic. My recommendation when it comes to Sarah’s books is to give them time. Do not put them down because I promise you they will get GOOD. Slowburn of slowburns. Gorgeous.

- Affinity by Sarah Waters. Gay + Victorian prison + disgraced spiritualist. Compared to the other three this one is actually a little bit… boring? You’re kinda waiting for something to happen for a long time but WHEN IT DOES boy is it worth it. And that part that’s worth waiting for actually made me want to read it again.

- The Night Watch by Sarah Waters. This was a bit like Affinity for me in that I was waiting for it to pick up a bit but once again, Sarah did not disappoint and I finished it wanting to read it again. The story is told backwards through third-person narrative, takes place in 1940s London during and after WWII and follows ‘Kay, Helen and Julia, three lesbians; Viv, a straight woman; and Duncan, her brother, whose sexuality is ambiguous.’

- One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston. This was my favourite book of 2021 because I read it as a baby gay and it’s set in modern times and is so full of life and found family and fun but also considers life for gay people in the 1970s and things that they didn’t often get to experience (loudly, at least). It tugged at my heart this one. For the “sort by top kudos” “filter for fluff” fanfic reader. Not really my style.

- This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. This is the most beautiful book I’ve ever read. As Madeline Miller said, ‘this book has it all: treachery and love, lyricism and gritty action, existential crisis and space-opera scope, not to mention time travelling superagents.’ This story is truly gorgeous. Unbelievable. Not even words to describe how good this one in. Possibly my favourite read of all time.

- Afterlove by Tanya Byrne. This book made me cry! In…a good way? I’m not sure. But I enjoyed it. Set in modern day when MC dies and joins ‘a clan of fierce girl reapers who take the souls of the city’s dead to await their fate’ but can’t forget her first love who she’ll do anything to see again. This one just tugged at my heart a lot.

- Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon. Epic fantasy. Dragons. Follows many characters in GoT style so it requires A LOT of focus. This isn’t a light read but it’s very good (and a prequel is coming out in 2023). IF YOU LIKE FANTASY AT ALL READ THIS ONE IMMEDIATELY.

- Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden. Okay this one will definitely not be the most well-written book you’ve ever read buuuuut there’s something VERY precious about it. It follows the relationship between two 17-year-old girls, Annie and Liza, in New York. As far as I know, when this book was published in 1982, it became the first YA novel ever to depict a main character’s same-sex relationship in a positive light. (In the 90s copies of this book were burned on the steps of a school in Kansas and there was a whole court case about it).

- Gideon the Ninth, Harrow the Ninth and Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. Oh these are great. I was about 100 pages in to the first two before I could grasp what was going on but the story is intriguing, the characters are great, there’s good humour, and the world is fascinating. The first one, Gideon, is almost like Hunger Games meets Cluedo. I’d highly recommend these and I can’t wait until my gf reads them so I can talk to her about them.

- Everything Leads to You by Nina LaCour. This one is a nice, light read. MC is interning as a set designer so I found this aspect of it really interesting actually. Has some mystery, some gay love, so like why not read it.

- Matrix by Lauren Groff. ‘Born from a long line of female warriors and crusaders, and cast out from the royal court, Marie is sent to become the prioress of an abbey.’ This is a bit of a dreary, grey read (probably due to the setting and period, think Wuthering Heights), but there was something about it that fascinated me and kept drawing me back in.

- The Falling in Love Montage by Ciara Smyth. Lesbian rom-com set in modern Ireland. Very light, easy read (with some serious topics too).

- Not my Problem by Ciara Smyth. Again, a very light and easy read for the most part, with a touch on some heavier issues. Quite funny too!

- Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo. Set in 1950s America and tells the story of Lily Hu, a teenage daughter of Chinese immigrants as she begins to explore her sexuality. This time period was really interesting and the incorporation of Chinese culture into the story was something I hadn’t read before.

#mine #book recommendations #personal #answered #anonymous

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deus-and-the-machina · 1 year

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Ranking the Xenoblade Games based on how straight they are

this is a mix of legitimate grievances about the writing and just goofing around. starting at least straight to most. Also not including X sorry I havent played it.

1. Xenoblade 2

Most of the romance in this game is light due to it being a sort of cute puppy love. Nothing actually happens between the characters and it’s mostly contained to the main characters with most side characters being free from clumsy straight love plots. There’s a couple of blushy scenes between Pyra/Mythra and Rex but most of their serious/emotional interactions are genuine and honest and don’t really get into romance or some hidden feelings they need to confess to. Even Nia’s confession is more of something for herself and she never really changes bc she’s in love or focuses on it that much.

Beyond the main characters, sheba exists, jin and lora can be considered one sided at least romantically (she’s the one to make flirty comments in Torna and he always responds along the lines of ???) and he’s explicitly not motivated by her death, while it did obviously impact him it’s something he’d accepted and used as fuel for his ultimate goal. and of course there’s Malos, who’s own voice actor was like “cmon he was in love with Jin”. Morag and Brighid also exist. There’s even some old man furry yaoi implications with gramps and azurda in that one scene??? ngl its kind of cute.

2. Xenoblade 3

Got a lot of points in the heteronormative category here. The main characters are paired up in m/f duos, but while 2/3 of them are romantically coded, Sena and Lanz aren’t really and Sena’s most focused relationship is probably Mio. To the game’s credit, it also doesn’t restrict them to these pairs and lets the whole group interact and have friendships and dynamics outside of the shippy ones.

An emphasis is put on the true nature of humanity being to fall in love and have kids, but considering the context of the scene only certain parts of it really make me go “mmmmmm”. these characters are test tube babies who have never seen a real human baby and so it’s wholesome and understandable, but Monica’s wording about specifically couples later does lean towards heteronormative “everyone must grow up and have a kid.” Considering she canonically had a teenage pregnancy though and her baby daddy clearly isn’t around I expect she’s very shaped by that experience though.

After that scene we don’t see a ton of heteronormative sentiment from city members (Ghondor, Shania, and Masha dont have any romantic sentiments, grey and rozana dont have kids and have a rather atypical but trusting relationship in general) and the focus on legacy and family is shown to have its toxic sides with Shania’s mom (who is also just. no 1 messed up lesbian in my heart).

Mio and Noah do start to have their characters focus more on romance and have their whole doomed soulmates shtick but I feel like they’re still given focus as individual characters in the main story post that revelation so I kind of forgive it, and the unhealthiest possible manifestation of their relationship is one of the main villains so. Also ngl they’re just cute, so I’m a bit biased here. I get if you’re groaning at the game pushing the main straight couple hard but at least they don’t suddenly lose all their personality when it happened.

3. Xenoblade 1

Hoo boy. There’s just a lot of it in this game. Ngl it took me a while to properly get into Xenoblade bc while I liked the first game overall, it also just had some things that rubbed me the wrong way and 2′s general reputation didn’t make it seem much better (then I played it and fell in love and retroactively appreciate 1 more but yeah) and one of those things was how the game very quickly fridged the only female character as a love interest. Yaaaaay.

Like yes she comes back later but at the time I was just kinda like. oh. ok then :/ and even when Fiora comes back, she’s super Shulk focused. Girl, you’ve been kidnapped and forcibly made into a cyborg and house a god who was walking around in your body but ig you’re mostly thinking about how your bf would feel. seriously when she’s fucking DYING her main concern is that Shulk doesn’t find out. like ok. Even her interactions with melia have that whole love triangle hanging over them as subtext. I greatly appreciate they didn’t got he jealousy angle and had Fiora genuinely want to reach out and be friends, but it does definitely feel like shulk is a matter constantly lingering whenever they talk.

And poor Sharla man. Seconds into meeting reyn she’s comparing him to her missing fiancé, despite still feeling he’s alive and wanting to find him. The game gives every hint that Gadolt may still be alive and rescuable, Meyneth even says smth like “I can feel this Homs still there” but not only does he die, he basically says “take care of her” to reyn like BOY you don’t know this man??? why would you say your last words to him and not your fiancé like ok. It felt like they wanted to make it “ok” for them to get together by killing him off and having him say that, even though everything until then had hinted with a hopeful tone that he could still be saved.

Ngl Melia’s unrequited love isn’t that bad but it does feel unnecessary considering how much she already suffers. Like you just really gotta rub it in huh. The fandom is wayyy worse about it than the game though, because canonically she moves on and is still surrounded by her friends and subjects and whatnot and doesn’t become some bitter scorned lover, but the fandom constantly jokes about it/acts like she is.

also some of the alt outfits, esp Sharla and Fiora’s are just...very obnoxious sexy fantasy armor. esp for flora when most of her body is supposed to be replaced with mechon parts but ig her tits were miraculously intact. They both deserve better writing ngl.

#xenoblade #godbles alvis for being in 1 I needed some homoerotic tension after all the friction. 3 was even so nice as to give melia a catgirl gf :)#I didnt go into nia but she's honestly got a lot of scenes that could be interpreted as her being wlw in addition to the canon polycule #so cheers to that. didnt wanna get into The Photo tm tho since thats not teeeechnically 2 and I was ranking each game individually #xenoblade chronicles

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year

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Hello sex witch👋🏼

I’m an eighteen-year-old lesbian with almost no relationship or sexual experience. I’ve never been kissed, been on a real date, had a girlfriend, etc. My roommate is dropping out of college soon and so I’ll have my own room for the rest of my semester, until I go studying abroad in April. I’m also going to start getting a monthly allowance from my parents, so I figured now would be the perfect time to start exploring my body now that I have real privacy and unlimited access to adult products like sex toys, lube, etc.

I’ve always had a passive interest in BDSM. I read Sunstone as a naïve young teenager and had a toxic online relationship with another girl around the same age who was sexually active and had actual practice in that area. Now that I’m old enough to actually dip my toes into the community, I’m considering joining Fetlife or another site and exploring the scene.

However, I have sexual trauma from childhood and I’m very wary of trusting people, and especially terrified of trusting people sexually. I’ve been trying to get into dating but I don’t want a romantic relationship as badly as I want a sexual relationship right now. Ideally, I’d have someone online and/or in real life who was experienced and could explore it with me safely and privately. But I’m worried about being taken advantage of, being unable to safely engage in sexual activities because of past issues with consent, being outed or exposed, etc.

What slow steps can I take to explore this aspect of myself? How do I stay safe and develop healthy sexual relationships/trust potential partners? Should I focus more on romance and then let my sexuality progress with a relationship? I’m sorry if this is too long or my concerns are too broad to address. I love your Batman takes and your advice :)

hi anon,

holy shit on a stovetop you've given me a lot to speak to here! bear with me while I organize some thoughts and helpful links.

right off the bat I'm going to say that I love you making the most of your newfound privacy and disposable income to do some self-exploration! that's the best and safest way to start learning about your body and what you like, especially if you don't have much prior experience to draw on. as always, I'd like to heartily recommend Smitten Kitten and Spectrum Boutique as great places to start looking if you don't have a local brick & mortar shop in mind. no comments on this part.

now, let's talk about everything else - the BDSM, the trauma, and the trust issues.

I'm going to say something that I think you already know, but that I want to make sure is out here in the open: right now it sounds like you're not in a great headspace to be engaging in partnered sex of any kind, let alone BDSM which is so heavily reliant on trust and vulnerability between partners. you've got some work to do, and I'm glad that it sounds like you know that!

first off, because I legally have to say this: talking with a therapist about your fears concerning intimacy sounds like it could be a huge help. you don't have to lay out the specifics of all your particular sexual wants (although you can, if you want!), but we've got to start working through that trauma and specifically tackling the issues you have with trusting others. that's something that will benefit every part of your life, not just your sex life - being able to trust is vital to forming healthy, mutually beneficial relationships of all kinds.

in addition to working with a professional, I'd also really strongly recommend doing some of your own research about BDSM before you wander in unknowing. there are a lot of genuinely wonderful folks in the kinky community, but there are also scumbags who might take advantage of someone brand new like you, and knowing what to look for and how to keep yourself safe is vital. I'd recommend these Evie Lupine videos as a good starting point

youtube

and then further advise checking out Evie's backlog; she has hundreds of videos covering all kinds of topics about the community ranging from navigating different types of relationship dynamics to various kinks and fetishes. a great way to start learning about staying safe in the community while getting fun ideas for what you might want to try someday when you feel more ready to do so!

re: romance and dating - I absolutely don't think you need to try to prioritize romance if that's not something that's interesting to you; as an entire aromantic I'm extremely aware that sex and romance don't need to coexist. however, what's not optional is learning the skills necessary to build and maintain relationships with people if you're ever interested in having sex.

I think it might be really healthy for you to go on some casual dates without any expectation of a serious relationship or even sex ensuing, to see how you feel about opening up with new folks and navigating interactions with them. GREAT practice for getting comfortable with others and opening yourself up in small, risk-free portions.

listen: nobody with trust issues needs to START addressing those by jumping headfirst into BDSM. that would be like me, a bitch who has never run willingly in her life, deciding to get into running by showing up with zero practice or training at a 5k. do you know what's going to happen if I do that, anon? I'm going to seriously fucking hurt myself, and probably turn myself off of running forever. it will not be fun. I would need to start with much smaller, lower-risk goals in order to work up to hardcore running safely.

you currently need the relational equivalent of, maybe, a brisk walk in the park. keep it safe, be extremely mindful of your comfort zones, stay hydrated. (that's not a metaphor, drink your water.) focus on practicing alone to find your preferences and boundaries, and start building your circle of potential running buddies (wink) at a speed that feels safe and comfortable for you. remember that this is absolutely not a race, and progress needs to happen on your terms rather than at any particular speed.

#sex edventures 2022

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mercuryonparklane · 3 months

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Do you still use this account? If you’re still here, as an OG gaylor, how do you feel about so many gaylors taking “Tayvis” seriously? Never surprised the general public thinks PRomance isn’t a thing celebrities do, let alone something Taylor would partake in, but gaylors? I find it so fascinating how many are not only buying it, but getting defensive over it. A lot believed in Toe, and while I personally have my doubts about that, it was more “plausible” than this. Is it just because there are so many that are either newer, younger, or both in the gaylor community now? Or have we completely lost the plot here?

Hello, Anon, if you’re still around to see this. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply. I do check this account every once in a while. Things have been kind of crazy the past couple months with work, the holidays, and some health stuff I’ve been dealing with. So, I haven’t been on here as much…

and, tbh, I’ve lost a little interest lately (not that I don’t believe in gaylor… I’m just at one of my points, as has happened a few times over the years, where I’m finding the PR narrative a little overdone).

Obviously, we all have different personal experiences that shape our perspectives and interpretations/opinions of Taylor’s music and public image (or just Hollywood/celebrity PR, in general), so there will likely never be a consensus about Gaylor and her alleged boyfriends (or even her rumored girlfriends/flings).

Tayvis feels very Tayvin to me. The complete opposite of the narrative with Joe. I think she needed a more public relationship at this point because, whether they want to admit it or not, a lot of her fans that believe the public narrative want her to have a husband and kids. For them, that is the happy ending.

Idc, if she wants to be a single, lesbian spinster, with 20 cats, or if she wants to marry a woman. I just don’t personally don’t buy the alleged boyfriends. They don’t seem genuine to me. They almost always coincide with promotion for an album, or some other project, (aka product) - and are almost always mutually beneficial. Tayvis is the epitome of mutually beneficial PR.

I absolutely do think the beliefs people held prior to entertaining gaylor will shape the opinions they have about the public narrative and what is real vs what is PR. And maybe that’s why I just can’t see what people are saying when they say that any of the boyfriends have seemed genuine. The staged kisses look awkward to me every time.

Idk, there is always the chance that I am the one who is entirely off base with my opinion. I’ve learned to block out the people who get defensive or are overly aggressive about the theory that some of the boyfriends were real, the same way I have always ignored the hetlors.

I personally believe it’s possible for someone like Taylor to be a closeted lesbian, even in the current political/social climate (which, tbh, while a lot better than it was during the early years of Taylor’s career, still isn’t great). I think PR relationships and lavender marriages still exist, even for those in Taylor’s position. I think there are a lot of younger people who didn’t grow up in the world Taylor did, and even some people around our age who may have forgotten what it was like, and can’t understand why someone would still being doing those things today.

A big part of her whole career and public persona (although, she won’t admit it) is dating the heartthrob of the month and getting her heart broken and writing hit songs about it, leaving very obvious “clues” in her lyrics that point to that man and their (typically quite short) time together. It’s something her fans and the public/media eat right up. They love it and it sells… it sells really well.

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sparatus · 4 months

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Aephis meets Sephira pls 🥺💕

wip game

hi sorry work happened ANYWAY so i lied, because i was recalling file names off the top of my head at work when i made the post, the file is actually named aephis WINS sephira which is much more fun imo

anyhorse!! this one's a challenge fill, prompt was in the beginning and this is going back to a backstory fun fact that im stupid fond of. we're visiting axilus's parents when they were young, back when aephis was a whore carefree young NCO and sephira was working towards her master's degree. aephis's friends make a bet with him about whether or not he can get the ice queen in engineering to sleep with him, and he loves a challenge, but oops instructions unclear caught feelings and forgot the bet entirely, and oops she might be falling for him too

special for u here is extra long snip (cause the context is needed)

Aephis Madelivio, by all accounts and purposes, was the ideal turian, the kind put in every romance schlock vid to be admired and panted after, turian and xeno alike. He was tall, muscular, and sported the classic turian romance hero frame of broad shoulders, trim waist, rugged claws, and sturdy legs and feet. His plates were a ruddy maroon, his crest was attractively long, and the clan tattoos striping his face in white were elegant and complimentary without hiding too much of his handsome visage. He was top of his class in every flavor of combat available, and was doing quite well in the tactical testing, too, thank you very much. He was loud and boisterous to the point it might almost be irritating, but so friendly and charming and genuine about it the annoyance never lasted. His parents were both from well-known clans, the Madelivios of Shaal and the Sparatuses of Tiirtias, and even more famous names before them, giving him the kind of pedigree that didn't sound real until you noticed the sand-scattering length of his toes and the xepöa'vach on his back and keel. He was, checklist-perfect, a model young drake any turian worth their teeth would kill to be seen on the arm of.

And, most insufferably of all, he damn well knew it, and walked around with the swagger in his step to prove it.

Not that he let it go to his head. No, of course not, he was modest, too. Being humble on top of everything else was even more swoon-worthy, after all, and he had pretty girls to woo and handsome boys to flatter. No time for being unappealing. Especially when they were between ground missions. There was only so much time in the day cycle their superiors could make filler for, special officer’s training or no, and, well, what else was he supposed to do?

“No way,” Salvirian blustered, flaring out his mandibles. “You can’t get anybody on board, nobody’s that good.”

Okay, maybe he was a little immodest. Nobody was perfect, so sue him. Besides, bragging about it with his gaggle of friends was different from going around telling anybody who would listen.

Aephis purred, tapping his chin with one talon. Salvirian wasn’t that bad-looking himself, silver plates with a striking darker patch in the middle of his face, but the yellow-green tattoos didn’t do him any favors. He also just sucked in bed, Aephis knew from experience, and judging by the scuttlebutt around the ship, he wasn’t just the unlucky one. “I didn’t say anybody,” he argued. “I said anybody who’s into drakes. I’m an equal-opportunity bisexual, but not everyone here is. I’m not a dick, I’m not gonna try to go after a lesbian.”

Agnianus snorted into her reconstituted meat product in sauce. “Thanks for your consideration.” She poked at a somewhat suspicious lump that immediately fell apart into mix dust and heaved a long-suffering sigh. “Iunno, Sal, I think he could do it. He already pulled Dardaion, and she bit the last dude who hit on her.”

“Dardaion doesn’t count, that was after they sparred to a draw and wrestled a bit,” Salvirian huffed. “That wasn’t his charm, that was his fighting skill.”

“No, no, that counts,” Tanidonis argued, already holding out his rations to Agnianus in trade. “We're just talking about ability to pull anybody who might be interested, not specifically how it happens. Just because Dardaion doesn't wanna fuck you doesn't make her magically unavailable, Sal."

Salvirian’s throat flushed, and he pulled his head down in his cowl. Agnianus swapped trays quickly, then huffed. “I have an idea," she said. “I heard some of the engineers talking about one of theirs who's, like, total ice queen. Threw a wrench at somebody for disturbing her work with flirting and just went right back to her math. If you can tap that, you can tap anybody.”

Aephis raised a brow plate, but Tanidonis just scoffed. “Yeah, I heard them, too. Flaucius is just pissy she turned him down. He sounded like a prick, all, ‘ohhh, I was sooo nice to her, I was her only friiieeend, but she was still so meeeaaan to meee.’ Fucking pathetic. Like, I learned I’m not entitled to a hot girl’s attention just ‘cause I’m nice to her when I was ten. Y’know, when I realized girls were pretty and not made of cooties and violence, and my dad had a talk with me about dating like a normal parent.”

Aephis snorted and clicked his mandibles. "Nah, girls are definitely still made of violence,” he countered. "That's the hot part. Remember the Dardaion part of this conversation?”

"That's also why you're all straight or bi drakes who follow around a lesbian,” Agnianus added sagely, taking a drink from her canteen. “Turians are matriarchal by nature, and our gender-equal society is proof we're civilized and more than our base natures. It's, like, science. Anyway, I still think that Actinus hen is a solid test of Aephis's appeal as a drake. She did still definitely throw a wrench at a guy, that's irrelevant to Flaucius being an entitled bag of dicks.”

#ierian's writing #ierian's ocs

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piqued-curiosity · 1 year

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“i do sincerely agree that bisexuals and lesbians should simply not interact beyond calling out bigotry tbh. imma call out lesbophobia when i see it but i have no wish to go have community with some of the deranged people i see here and i’m sure it’s likewise cause all it does is build even more resentment”

To be honest I’m the same, and it’s because of a combination of real-life experiences and online ones. I understand there’s a lot of sympathy for lesbians who “have bad experiences with bi women”, but in MY experience, at least a good chunk of the time, the “bad experience” is that the bi woman dated a man at some point after they broke up, or acknowledged that she was attracted to men and the lesbian was disgusted.

I was in a serious relationship with a woman, and she broke up with me after a year and a half. It was amicable and I was upset but nobody was in the wrong. 6 months after we broke up I started dating a man and she told all our mutual friends that I had “gone crawling back to cock” and must have only been treating her as a bit of fun etc even though SHE BROKE UP WITH ME! I was open about being bi before we started dating so it wasn’t a shock to her, but for some reason she thought it was her business and I had “betrayed” her in some way by dating a man??

Like, they are aware we are bi, they know what the definition of bi is, and then are upset when we aren’t the same as a lesbian and are actually attracted to a man? I had another relationship where the lesbian wanted an open relationship after 4 months and I didn’t. One of the terms of the “open relationship” would’ve been that I couldn’t date a man, only women. I didn’t want an open relationship ANYWAY but I thought this was insane. Like the “open relationship” is basically that she gets what she wants but I can’t do any icky thing that would turn HER off. She was flabbergasted then when I broke up with her instead of going along with it, and I was the bad guy then of course.

It’s like some lesbians are offended and disgusted by the concept of bisexuality, but want to date us anyway? Just like straight people pretty much. But then there’s the added bonus that the lesbians feel entitled to tell us to shut the fuck up about our experiences and basically pretend we are lesbian to appease them, but at the same time want to us acknowledge that we are different from them and stop riding on their coattails or whatever. Like “how dare you act like your experiences are in anyway similar to mine, acknowledge that you are different!!” And then want us to functionally be lesbians???

And when we say we’ve been assaulted by men etc it’s “well that’s your fault for associating with men in the first place” victim blaming bullshit. Female solidarity my ass.

For this reason I only date other bi women now, and while I recognise that there of course ARE situations where bi women treated lesbians badly, I’m very very suspicious whenever I see a lesbian saying she had a “bad experience” with a bi woman. I’m like “did you? Or are you just not ok with her innate sexuality?”

It’s funny though cause I don’t usually admit that I feel this way on radblr cause I get metric tonnes of shit from lesbians saying I’m calling them abusers or whatever. I’m a big lesbophobe if I say I have bad experiences with lesbians. But when lesbians say actual heinous shit about bi women they get sympathy because “I’m sure an evil bi woman did something to her to warrant her saying that bi women are all asking to be raped :(“

I’m sorry that you had those experiences, you were treated unfairly.

But I don’t know why you’re so shocked about the attitude these lesbians have towards opposite sex attraction when it’s something we voice constantly.

Lesbians often talk about how awful it feels when we date a woman and after breaking up she dates a man. Even if it’s just part of what bisexuality is, lesbians have been raised in a homophobic society which tells us to view ourselves and our sexuality as lesser. A lot of people feel badly when they see who their ex is with, maybe they’re with somebody taller than you, prettier than you, etc. A lot of people feel insecure when they see who their ex is with. Lesbians are human too so we feel those normal emotions, and for us an ex’s partner being a man is just one of those traits that fuels insecurity. Just as a woman might feel insecure seeing her ex date a taller woman because that’s something she can never be, a lesbian might feel the same about seeing her ex dating a man. Except now add a bunch of internalised homophobia.

If you think that’s irrational that’s fine, plenty of bi women have voiced that because they simply don’t understand the lesbian experience and that’s fine. Your ex acted really shitty with the whole “crawling back to cock” thing, and I’m not excusing that. You just seem baffled by how she could possibly feel the emotions she felt so I’m explaining.

And that condition of an open relationship makes perfect sense to me. Men easily transmit STDs, of course a lesbian doesn’t want to have to worry about opening herself up to that risk. I mean, the solution would obviously be to not have an open relationship… but I can see where she’s coming from.

Plenty of lesbians are honest about all of the above and say that’s why they don’t date bi women, but then they get called biphobic. So yeah we do get caught in a weird spot, similar to the one TRAs have us in, where we don’t want to date within a group of people, and are called hateful bigots for it. So a lot of us don’t want to date you, we’re just pressured into it.

What you’re explaining is exactly why I support lesbians who don’t date bi women, because it’s an unfair situation all around. Bi women shouldn’t be in relationships where they have to suppress a part of their sexuality, and lesbians shouldn’t be in relationships where they have to be around OSA if it makes them uncomfortable.

#I’m sorry that you had those experiences but a lot of this ask just can be summed up with ‘I don’t understand lesbians’#asks #anon

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 1 year

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I watched this movie Blue Jean last night. It’s an independent movie about a lesbian gym teacher, and some other lesbians, living in Newcastle under Thatcher’s Section 28 (link because I hadn’t known about that specific law, not being versed on every bit of British history from the 80s and 90s beyond “Thatcher very very bad, miners on strike”, though I know Canada’s had similar legislation). I realize that plot sounds like something someone would make up if they were trying to describe the stereotype of a hypothetical indie movie. I really, really liked it anyway. Or maybe I shouldn’t say “anyway”, as though I liked it in spite of it being a stereotypical indie movie. What’s wrong with being that?

I’m the sort of person who should be really into indie movies, given everything else about me. My dad and I share an interest in Canadian folk music and British comedy, and he’s also really into independent movies, and by rights I should share that one with him too. But I’m just not that into movies generally. If everything that happens is on the surface, two hours isn’t long enough for me to get hugely invested the way I do with a book or TV show, and if there’s enough subtle artsy stuff going on to imbue it with extra meaning, I tend to not know enough about how that works to catch most of it.

There are exceptions. I think my favourite movie might be The History Boys, for which I try to find a lot explanations for why it’s not really equating homosexuality to adult male teachers who touch up male children. Obviously that would not be the message from Alan Bennett and the real message is about what homophobic repression does to people, but also, sometimes it’s hard to justify when the surface message very much is “homosexuality means adult male teachers who touch up male students”.

Anyway. Blue Jean. It is not The History Boys; it has a gay teacher but she very specifically does not touch up any of the students. It is really, really good. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a movie that much. I don’t know enough about cinema to explain this, but I’m pretty sure the acting was very good. And the directing or editing or whatever leads to all the shots that convey a hundred things in eight seconds with no dialogue.

All right, this got long, so after finishing this post I’ve come back up her to add a “keep reading” link. It also takes a turn for the increasingly personal after this point that I didn’t really plan, so... fair warning on that. Also, honestly, this post was kind of hard to write, so I’m not going to edit it, sorry that it’s full of errors. I feel better for having written it, though.

The intensity with which they make you feel everything that happened is amazing. Or that was my experience, at least, and I usually come out of movies where people say that’s what’ll happen and think I don’t get it. I got this one though. They did something right. My attention span did not even begin to waver for the 95-ish minutes.

It was an interesting way to learn some history, a bit of what it was like to be gay in Thatcher’s England, specifically in a school setting in Thatcher’s Northern England. And harrowing how little some of it changed for a couple of decades, which I hesitate to say because I’m incredibly lucky to have no idea what it was like to be gay anywhere in the 80s. But also, fucking hell, they took a few little shots to make the horrors of being gay in a high school gym class change room radiate off the screen. That, at least, was not that different in Canada in 2005 from this blue-hued indie movie in Thatcher’s England. You feel that terror just from a few seconds of watching the movie. And you say, “Ah, this is how movies are supposed to work, getting you that invested despite not having that much runtime.” Again, by “you”, I mean “me”.

It did really starkly remind me how much that was the scariest part for me, as a teenager. It took me a couple of years to go from “okay, as long as I never tell anyone this and never write it down or say it out loud, it’ll be okay and doesn’t have to ruin my life” (age 15) to “yeah I’m pretty much out, I’ve told most people I know well and I no longer swear people to secrecy when I tell them… except telling them not to tell girls on the team, obviously” (age 17). It wasn’t until several years after that that I stopped worrying about girls from sports knowing, that one was terrifying for so much longer than everything else. Being in change rooms with them and doing contact sports with them was scary enough just when I thought they might know, and sometimes, those fears weren’t unfounded. Sometimes, they did say shitty things in change rooms, because teenage girls can tell there’s something off, whether you tell them or not.

This of course makes me think of rhetoric around trans people now. I hate saying “what people said about gay people in the past is what they say about trans people now”, because it ignores the fact that they still say those things about gay people, and they said those things about trans people back then too. Also, it’s not separate, it’s a general sense of anyone who seems like they don’t “belong” in the safe space of the change room being targeted. Trans people who have the wrong bodies, gay girls who will look at the straight girls the wrong way – all unsafe, predators just by being there.

But these days, there is a lot of specific mainstream rhetoric around trans people just existing in change rooms being a threat to girls and kids generally. And somehow, that rhetoric manages to pretend that cis gay people are the victims of those trans people, rather than being the victims of that same rhetoric that thinks the wrong people being in a change room is an automatic threat. Change rooms are supposed to be a safe space for girls to not have gross people looking at them sexually, and any gay or trans person has always been seen as a threat to that (even though, I hope it goes without saying, gay and trans people are overwhelmingly likely to be the ones carefully staring at the change room wall in fear of being accused of seeing anything they shouldn’t see, they’re not looking at anyone sexually in there), which is how people end up calling someone an abuser or a predator just for being trans near a child.

I read something just recently about how trans women ruin change rooms’ status as safe spaces for teenage girls, and all I could think was how they did not feel safe for me as a teenager. I don’t need to get into all my high school gym class experiences, but the change room was definitely not a safe space free from fear or harassment for me. I’d probably have felt safer if I’d had some trans people in there, feeling like I wasn’t the only one ruining their otherwise perfect environment.

Anyway. Despite all the flashback-inducing shots of high school gym class from a gay girl’s perspective, that wasn’t what brought back the most memories. That would be the main character, a gym teacher who makes every move carefully, watches every step, for fear that she’ll be found out and accused of being a predator just for being a lesbian in the presence of teenage girls. Fucking hell, that was well done in that movie. I’m pretty sure that main actor was very good. I don’t know enough about acting to say, but I’m pretty sure good acting was involved in why that hit so hard.

That brought back fun memories of the time I was 22 and had a fifteen-year-old girl come to me for help because she was suicidal and in an abusive home, but beg me to not tell anyone, and I got to navigate the line of “break the trust of a teenage girl who came to me in confidence, who’s already had every adult in her life violate her trust and she told me this left her unable to talk to anyone but I’d been so kind to her and she was so scared that she took a chance on telling me”, or “not tell anyone what she told me and possibly have a teenage girl kill herself because I didn’t do enough to prevent it.” While also knowing that just about anyone I could report it to would tell her parents, and I had good reason to believe that would only make the situation worse. I remember her sending me a text that said “I Googled what to do if I want to kill myself and it said to tell an adult”, and I almost wrote back to say “Yeah holy fuck go fucking do that”, until I realized she was doing that. Again, I was 22.

Long story that spans the next year of me making lists for her of confidential hotlines and sources of therapy and professional crisis support, and making anonymous calls to her school board to find out how much she could open up to them about without her parents getting told so I could encourage her to talk to a guidance counselor, making her promise to call me if she needed me, making sure my phone was always charged and always had the volume up loud enough to wake me up if it rang in the middle of the night, missing social events and sometimes my university classes to take her calls every time, having nightmares about her dying and it being my fault.

Her mother never knew most of what was happening, but at some point she found out I was gay and coaching her daughter, and then decided that the small amount she did know of her daughter’s mental health problems were my fault. That I was a predator grooming her daughter and trying to make her like me. She threatened all kinds of things, and then I had a new thing to be terrified of. Either I’d respect the mother’s demands that I stay away from her daughter and then a girl might die if she was cut off from support, or I tried to keep in touch anyway, get accused of horrible things, and my life is ruined. Coaching was my life, I knew I wanted to pursue a career working with youth, all that would be gone.

Stayed in this difficult position for about six months, still taking the girl’s calls but terrified of her mother. I started having people I knew come to me to tell me this mother had cornered them to tell them that I was a danger to teenage girls and they needed to know there was a gay predator in their midst. God knows how many people she said that to who didn’t come tell me about it.

At the national championships, my friends told me they saw this mother yelling at her daughter outside, at first they wouldn’t tell me what she’d said beyond the fact that it was really bad, but eventually I got them to tell me one direct quote, which was: “If that fucking dyke ever comes near you again, I’m calling the fucking cops.” Weirdly, my first question was who else was around to hear that – I guess because I already knew the mother hated me and the daughter knew it, but if my friends who already knew the story overheard it, then some people in our community who didn’t know the story but did know me might have heard. They said our university coach was standing nearby and they were pretty sure he heard.

I had this confirmed a couple of years later, when that university coach got worried that I was trying to recruit one of my former athletes back from him (which I fucking wasn’t, he drove that guy away all on his own, but that’s another issue), and he told that athlete not to trust me because I have an history of being sexually predatory toward my athletes. I was devastated when I heard that, because that guy was my coach for two years. My high school coach was horrible (again, different story), but my university coach seemed like a nice guy when I was there, helped me through some difficult stuff, gave me good advice, I looked up to him and trusted him. And he knew me, I was shocked that he’d believe something like that about me just from overhearing a few things shouted by a woman he didn’t know. Honestly, he probably didn’t believe it, he was just using it to play politics. Playing politics with something that absolutely traumatized me – I mean, you’d think that some things would be off limits even in the cutthroat world of recruiting one fucking kid for your varsity team. Though he may not have known how bad it was for me. I wouldn’t know what he thought, I haven’t been on speaking terms with him since this happened like eight years ago. I did watch him yell pointlessly at an athletic director in a coaches’ meeting at a tournament two months ago, though, and wonder why I ever gave a shit what he thought of me.

It didn’t work, either. The athlete he was trying to turn against me did know me, and he knew the story of why that mother had spread those rumours about me. He didn’t tell me what the coach had said, though. He told a mutual friend of ours, and made her promise not to repeat it to me. She got drunk and told me about a year later. Desperately hoping she’d somehow gotten the story wrong, the next time I saw that athlete, I asked him, “Last year, when [coach] was trying to turn you against me, did he say anything that you’ve never told me?” And he said, “Are you sure you really want to know?” And I said, “I think you’ve just told me.” And he said, “Did she get drunk and tell you?” And I said, “Yep.”

And he said, “I’m sorry, I only tried to keep it from you because you’d already been through so much and I didn’t think you deserved to hear something so awful. You know I’d never believe a word from that homophobic asshole, right?” And then he gave me a hug and told me I’d been like a mother to him. And for the record, that guy is Muslim, and everyone in this story who treated me like shit is white. I’m only mentioning that part to say that people who think Muslims are the big threat to gay people can fuck off right alongside the people who think trans people are the big threat to gay people (yes, Islam and all religions can be a threat to gay people, but Islam is mainly a threat to gay Muslims, so hating all Muslims is not a great solution).

Anyway. Writing all this is making me want to say “trigger warning” about that Blue Jean movie, because it turns out if you watch it and you were once accused of being a predator for being a gay woman who works with teenage girls, it might drag up some traumatizing memories. But that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t watch it, it just means, you know, maybe save it for a time when you can handle that. I meant for this post to be mainly about the movie, and did not realize how much I needed to write all this out until I started doing it. That movie did bring up some stuff.

In case anyone was wondering, the girl survived. She finished high school and moved several hours away from her mother, and we’re still in touch sometimes. She’s just started a PhD. She came out as gay a couple of years after high school, and I had a small breakdown, terrified that her mother had been right all along, I had, in fact, been somehow grooming her and turning her gay (please note that I did have the sense to not express this to the girl in question). One I had a horrible panic attack about it and expressed this fear to someone at a mental health hotline, a number I still had in my phone from when I’d first sent it to this girl when she was fifteen. The person on the phone pointed out that if there’s any way in which it’s not a coincidence that she came to me for help and turned out to be gay like me, it’s because she sensed that I she could trust me because I was like her, even if she didn’t know why yet. Which I think may be true. I saw her in person a few months ago, when I went to a tournament in the city where she’s living now. She told me she’s now several years older than I was when she first came to me for help, and she now realizes how young I was and how hard it must have been for me, but she appreciates everything I did for her. She did not say I made her gay.

After I finished watching the movie Blue Jean last night, I watched the new Hannah Gadsby special, Something Special. It’s lighter than he last two shows, about how she fell in love with, and then married, her now-wife. “Show that’s all about how I got into my relationship” is usually not a type of comedy show I love, but that one was pretty perfect for last night. Watching Blue Jean made me really enjoy seeing a lesbian who grew up in the 80s and 90s tell us her love story with the woman she married. Because as much as I’ve been through some shit, I have no fucking idea what it was like to be gay under Thatcher, or under those similar laws in Canada at the time, or anywhere in the 80s and 90s, or in a place that’s liberal than urban Canada now. I’m very lucky to not know that, and I felt genuinely inspired by seeing a woman who has been through that tell a positive story. I don’t even want to analyze its merits as a comedy show or anything (good though, it was good), it was just perfect for last night.

Watching those two things in a row last night was pretty cool. If anyone wants a night of watching cool lesbian things, may I recommend the movie Blue Jean followed by the Hannah Gadsby show Something Special? Made for a very gay night – the gayest night I’ve had since I broke up with my girlfriend last year. Anyway. I’m doing fine. I’m going to go back to listening to The Bugle now. With Andy Zaltzman, who was making jokes about the absurdity of anti-gay marriage arguments in 2007, and that wasn’t exactly a revolutionary stance for a leftie alternative comedian to take even back then (I’m still not clear on exactly what an “alternative comedian” is, but whatever definition you use, Andy Zaltzman is it), but still, it wasn’t the mainstream view at the time. Also, Andy Zaltzman has an agender sister (I believe the specific identity is “unsubscribed from gender”, and I’m pretty sure Helen Zaltzman is still cool with the word “sister”, correct me if I’m wrong) whom he fully supports, and the only time I’ve heard him make a joke about trans people is when Boris Johnson said “We’ve sacrificed to keep Britain safe” during the pandemic, and Andy pointed out that it is “overwhelmingly a good thing” that people can use any pronouns they want these day, the only time when anyone should be stopped from using any pronoun is in that one instance, Boris Johnson doesn’t get to say “we” there.

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a-room-of-my-own · 2 years

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Tbh I know it’s just dumb internet shit but like the stuff that’s been going on with radblr for the past several months genuinely has me really upset. I’m so sick and tired of all the shit talk straight women constantly get on radblr and I hate not being allowed to talk about it with being falsely accused of total bullshit. I hate how saying literally anything at all that might even allude to me having sexual interests invites harassment. I hate being accused of having a “victim mentality” for being upset about the misogynistic harassment I’ve gotten from so-called “radfems”. I hate how sexual the harassment always is. Having random women talk and gossip constantly about straight women’s sex lives is really upsetting. I hate how even on radblr I am defined entirely by my sexuality and whether or not I’ve ever had contact with a dick. I hate being actively pushed out of feminist spaces because my experience with misogyny is “too heterosexual”. I hate how literally all of radblr acts like the misogyny I face isn’t real and doesn’t matter entirely because I’m straight. I hate not being able to talk about it because I don’t want to be labeled a homophobe for doing literally nothing. Like I can’t even say that what they are saying is degrading or violating or hurtful because I’m “playing into lesbophobic stereotypes by calling lesbians mean or perverted” or whatever they want to claim even though I’m literally not doing that! I’m saying that the actions of certain users is disgusting and idc what their sexuality is, this behavior is wildly inappropriate! I hate feeling emotionally violated like this all the time. And I know this is just internet bs but I don’t have any real life feminist groups to go to. They do not exist where I live. Like why are the vast majority of women not allowed to exist in feminism?? And then they complain about that too! Saying nonsense like “het women think that being straight is required for being a woman” when literally the only thing anyone said was that it’s gross to exclude like 90% of all women from feminism and it’s gross to not let us talk about our problems. They act like straight women don’t experience misogyny.

Like this isn’t feminist anymore and I wish they’d all just fuck off already. It’d be a whole lot less miserable and a ton more productive without judgmental women like that. Idk I’m just really hurt and angry. Especially since this all kicked up again with roe getting repealed. It feels like their rubbing salt in the wound you know? I don’t believe them when they say that they’re trying to “help”. I think that it’s intended to be malicious and harmful. They know that no one can call them out on it though. I doubt that any of them even really care about abortion that much since it’s an osa woman’s problem. A while ago they had “it’s not that bad if straight women get raped since they like dick so much” discourse too and this piv nonsense really reminds me of that. I wish I kept receipts, that happened months ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if the worst of those posts got deleted they were really bad. Those women that participate in this junk all the time don’t actually care about women at all I wish they’d go rot in a discord server instead of tumblr. I think a lot of them are pornsick or something because it feels like some of them are genuinely getting off on this. I’m not really allowed to say that though.

First of all I'm very sorry you're upset and feel excluded, I completely understand 💙

I'm not interacting with so called 'radblr' so much also because of what I've read these last 4-5 years. They succeeded at pushing out a lot of women by creating their little toxic echo chamber, and by the number of silent followers I get + several people who sent me asks asking to not publish if it wasn't anonymous, it's obvious something is seriously wrong.

They also tend to periodically forget that not everyone lives in the USA, and that some women here live in countries/places where they can't have these discussions, or are already living in places where abortion is forbidden. And from that angle, this debate is borderline indecent.

#radrama

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