#it was very time consuming‚ but so worth it

[helium-stims]

i made an octopus :)

#stim #stuffed animal #octopus #green #pink #white #crochet #tentacles #mine #this pattern has 232 suckers on it #it was very time consuming‚ but so worth it

[comradekatara]

hi!! i'm sorry i don't go on tumblr a lot anymore but i was trying to look up sokka/yue playlists and i found a post of urs that said u might make one/have made one!! i was just wondering if u have it still since i'm not sure when that post was made? thank u so much for ur time!!

i definitely have one...... in my head......... but because spotify hates me, i lost access to my account shortly after i made my (extremely slept-on) katara playlist, so i never got around to making any more character playlists officially. but i can definitely make one for sokka and yue now! in no particular order...

my love, mine all mine – mitski (song, lyrics)*

fast car – tracy chapman (song, lyrics)*

57821 – janelle monáe (song, lyrics)

earth angel – the penguins (song, lyrics)

don't let me sleep – shana cleveland (song, lyrics)

cosmia – joanna newsom (song, lyrics)

watching you without me – kate bush (song, lyrics)

goodbye ghost – la luz (song, lyrics)

they can't take that away from me – ella fitzgerald & louis armstrong (song, lyrics)

happy – mitski (song, lyrics)

kokomo, indiana – japanese breakfast (song, lyrics)

fernando – abba (song, lyrics)*

northern lights – st. vincent (song, lyrics)

day dreaming – aretha franklin (song, lyrics)

don't judge me – janelle monáe (song, lyrics)

i want you – mitski (song, lyrics)*

i'll be seeing you – billie holiday (song, lyrics)

black roses – escondido (song, lyrics)*

starchild – ghost quarter (song, lyrics)*

slow like honey – fiona apple (song, lyrics)

dissolve me – alt-j (song, lyrics)

stars – grace potter & the nocturnals (song, lyrics)

timefighter – lucy dacus (song, lyrics)

tides – the xx (song, lyrics)

moon river – audrey hepburn (song, lyrics)

doused – diiv (song, lyrics)*

isle unto thyself – miracle musical (song, lyrics)

i bet on losing dogs – mitski (song, lyrics)

ready, able – grizzly bear (song, lyrics)*

have to go – esther rada (song)

responsible – sara bareilles (song, lyrics)

picture me better – weyes blood (song, lyrics)

also, some bonus sokka songs, just for fun

the motherlode – the staves (song, lyrics)*

only kid on the block – cherry glazerr (song, lyrics)

hater's anthem – infinity song (song, lyrics)*

my way – frank sinatra (song, lyrics)

heat lightning – mitski (song, lyrics)*

mouth log – sidney gish (song, lyrics)

creep – radiohead (yes) (song, lyrics)

under ice – kate bush (song, lyrics)

funeral – phoebe bridgers (song, lyrics)*

window – fiona apple (song, lyrics)

how could i – thao & the get down stay down (song, lyrics)

blue spotted tail – fleet foxes (song, lyrics)

P.S. asterisks (*) indicate that the link to the song provided is a music video or live performance and not just an official recording

#i couldve made this entire playlist with mitski songs EXCLUSIVELY. know that i bravely refrained #sokka #yue #sokkaxyue #asks #atlamusic #ihauntmyselfdaily #oh. of course someone w this url would ask me this kind of question. of course #why was this soooooo time consuming #(i already had a list written out on my phone. believe or not. but finding all the links was so tedious) #of course it's worth it tho. as a testament to my insanity #also if anyone DOES have spotify and wants to make this playlist for me (excluding some artists who arent on there like joanna newsom sadly #and then link it to me. that would make me very happy. btw <3 #my music taste must seem so sappy assuming this is as a standard sample........ it's noooottttttt #(but also. isn't it a little?)

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I know Quackity said "Don't stress if you can't watch every single POV and if you don't know all the lore" and all that, but it genuinely frustrates me so much that I cannot, realistically, know every single detail of the QSMP storyline. Even trying to just focus on the "main" story isn't possible since so many people are doing things tied to it, and so many unexpected things happen.

I don't really have a point to make with this post, I'm just venting my frustrations. I like knowing complete stories and knowing I can't do that with QSMP frustrates me so much.

#i talk #qsmp talk #I also dont like that it takes 4+ hours to get 30m worth of the story #I'm realizing more and more that I'm just not cut out for long-form SMP storytelling through streaming #I've been under a lot of stress lately and I was watching stream to kinda take my mind off things #and realizing I've missed so much just kinda pushed that frustration over the edge a bit #I'm not actually a huge fan of the twitter updates and the ''summary of today'' thing the update accounts do #it's not that it's not helpful— it just doesnt mesh with my ability to absorb info #by which I mean reading twitter threads to catch up on lore makes me feel like I'm dying #I like the lore recap video they posted recently and I'd love to see more of that #especially since it's short and easy to digest #but it still leaves a lot out #idk like I said there's no real point to this post I'm just very frustrated #both in general and in terms of story consumption #(for the record: this is just a me problem and I'm not about to start demanding the server change or anything) #I just need to start consuming more short contained stories I think #just a bit stuck on QSMP because the dtory is really interesting to me #I also think I need to drop the archive it eats up too much time and energy #as helpful as it is for my own records and others' its just not realistic #especially with all the new people who are being added #a few of whom I just straight up dont plan on watching

[conspiracydawg]

idk. I understand why people get very up in arms about harry potter (even though I do think that the pendulum has swung too far toward "these books are pure evil"), but it does bother me when folks say "don't pirate it it's just as bad." I could vaguely understand that if it were about, like, not blogging about it, because I can see that that might be "providing engagement" (I loosely disagree with this not only because tumblr is largely unmonetizable but because the average tumblr doesn't have many followers and is unlikely to make a dent in the prevailing anti-harry potter mindset), but it seems to me that this is becoming less "don't financially support jkr because she uses those funds to campaign against trans people," which is an extremely valid and important approach, and more "don't consume jkr content because it is capable of corrupting you and turning you into a jkr minion," which I oppose on principle

#me bitching #people do have brains and are capable of consuming content without irretrievably incorporating it into their belief structure #nor do I think that every mention of a 'morally impure' book has to be bookended by 'I'm consuming this critically' #because I think that's just. the normal way to interact with the world #idk I do think people latch on to harry potter because it's easy #it was immensely popular at a time when a lot of this site was at an age to be contrary #and I think it's very easy to look back at something and be like 'oh yeah I hated that for moral reasons' #I will be generous and say there could be some overlap with the type of pirate who's like #'I'm engaging with the media I pirated so I'm generating revenue for the creator in a roundabout way' #so it would make sense to reverse that and be like 'if you pirate something Evil you're generating revenue for the creator in a roundabout #way' #I'm losing the thread of what I was talking about but I think my thesis here is just that people should consume content they enjoy #and sure go ahead and consume it critically but again I think that's just the default way to do it #if reading harry potter is capable of turning you into a transphobe or racist or what have you #then I think your beliefs about equality were so shallowly held as to be not worth mentioning

[seapasture]

i am going to sit down and draw the gentlest scene one can possibly imagine, or the pure visual manifestation of unabashed fury. there will be no in-between (unless)

#so 4am me was right! i really had hoped for a few days that things were looking brighter but clearly optimism is foolish #and this agony is entirely beyond my control which is fantastic. absolutely great and wonderful. i have never felt more empty #i think i will simply just try not to feel anything ever again because it simply isn't worth it #if i can pour it into some art then that will be something at least. i haven't drawn for myself in a very long time #but in this moment i literally have nothing else beyond some terrible coping mechanisms which i won't divulge #i think i will draw until my head hurts and my hands hurt #art and writing are really all i have right now. i can't physically speak without crying and i need to sequester myself #i will attempt to continue to reblog things as usual because i need every shred of normality i can consume #apologies in advance if i am not massively cheery again for a while - any semblance of joy has been violently stripped away from me #i'm not keen to conceal the fact that i do not feel normal at all right now. but i hate constantly venting here whenever i make a textpost #alas i am shigeo kageyama and i am holding a bouquet of flowers. and i'm about to cross at a junction #but it keeps happening over and over and over #if i draw and it's abysmal then good. i don't care #everything just gets worse and worse and worse and worse #i am so sorry #sea rambles

[thotcontagion]

working on him AGAIN (vertex group and weight paint issues)

i feel like i might be able to work on toggles pretty soon, so i'm anxious to work on that aspect

#god i knew making an avatar would be very time consuming #but it's also super tedious #i brought this upon myself though and it's been so worth it

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

Looks at the pre-constant wigfrid tea,,, also looks at how things might go if they ever do go out of the constant,,,,

adelaide (her hc real name for those who are new here) went through an entire metamorphosis from her time in the real world, to first entering the constant, to when she actually became wigfrid as we know her today. however, just because they're 'different people' doesn't mean that you can't see flickers of one in the other, or vice versa.

where there are some people (her audience, mainly) who adelaide would bend to the whims of almost immediately, beyond that she had a surprisingly strong spine. it took a lot of effort and will to claw her way to the position she had, and she did all of that on her own. it stands to reason you'd learn to stand your ground on most things (again, audience) after long enough of that.

however, um. the thing abt adelaide is that. she hates herself. and wigfrid loves herself. which makes it pretty difficult to share a lot of qualities with adelaide, when remembering adelaide too deeply makes you loose your damn mind. it's why wigfrid needs to keep the persona up. really, it's far thinner than most of the survivors would expect it to be… beyond having a better survival instinct and speaking without the accent, wigfrid reverting back to her old self wouldn't really change her by an astronomical amount.

If she were forced to go back to the real world… forced to be adelaide again. i think all of it would feel like a fever dream. i don't think she would really know how to be adelaide anymore- how to be anyone other than the persona she spent so long crafting. she's spent far too long conforming to a script to go off-book now. i think it would turn her into a paranoid recluse honestly

#headcanons #hiii rye hiiii hiiii 💕💕💕 we both should probably be doing school work rn. but hiiiiiiii 😊💕💕 #i could talk abt adelaide for a million years honestly she's so fucking silly she's so nuanced #and rye since YOU'RE here and you would get this: to me. again. it feels so parallel to like a william thing #where ppl think that the two sides of themselves were so different and that one couldn't possibly be akin to the other #completely forgetting the fact that the old self was the very foundation FOR the new self #adelaide is mild mannered and sophisticated but she's not a pushover she's not meek to the point of helplessness #she fought and clawed tooth and nail to get a PRESTIGIOUS spot as a talented female actress- #-in a time period where the masses NEVER would have appreciated how difficult something like that was to do #her issue is not with her talent. it's not with her resolve. her issue is that she let her audience consume her. #she let them dictate her worth. she gave them her puppet strings and now she's in their debt forever. and without them she's nothing. #i don't know im digressing. im getting too silly for 8 am

[night-dragon937]

gods listening to music of artists that i've gone and seen in concert/at raves and just like. reliving the euphoria of the moment when i was there at the live performance like. obviously sitting at my desk with my headphones is not the same as being at a rave or concert but i can kind of capture some of the memory and those good feels are just smth else

#blog post #tw ahead im gonna go on about some dark shit #kind of? idk #like so when i was younger and struggling #by which i mean when i was suicidal from ages 9-18 #one thing i tried when i was 15-18 was making a bucket list and essentially it was stuff i wanted to do before i died because saying #'im at least gonna live to do these things' was SO much easier than saying 'im gonna live the rest of my life' back then #and on that list was going to several concerts (all of which i've done now!!) and like tbh i had my doubts like is a concert good enough #to keep living for (yes) and like what happens after i see these bands in concert (i wait for them to tour again and see them again duh) #(and also see other bands) #and i wish i could go back in time to past us and be like. u were so right. seeing these groups/artists in concert (and the ones i like now #and hadn't heard of back then) is SOO worth it #im so glad i have been alive to go to all the concerts and the rave that i went to in the past year and a half it was so so good #and im so fuckin excited to go to more #there's at least two concerts im planning on going to this spring plus a rave im considering going to (its a three hour drive one way so #idk yet) plus our top favorite band for years is hinting at releasing new music which means a tour!! #im just gettin the feels because im remembering good memories and so fuckin excited to make more good memories #im so glad im alive and honestly that brings tears to my eyes that i can say that totally honestly now #like. i have a cat! i am reconnecting with family i didnt use to be close with! im working on cutting off toxic family! im working on #health issues which is very good. im out as queer and im so happy and proud of that. i have several hyperfixations i love consuming and #cosplaying. cosplaying!! i have so much fun making tiktoks and going to cons and putting everything together its so great!! im starting to #work on my big huge writing project with my coauthors for the first time in years and im soooo excited to revive that old hyperfixation and #share it!! i have an awesome partner who i care very much about and while i recently cut off some toxic friends i have plenty actual #friends that im so glad to have!! #im currently at a job that pays well and that i enjoy which is a win for me and i might possibly be in a position to go back to college #soon which means going into my preferred field which im SO stoked for!! and im actually really excited to go back to college. when we were #in person i had such a great experience and i cant wait to go back #ough

[knightfeared]

Sometimes? Not all the time, but sometimes? It’s nice to do pre-established ships & just enjoy the soff wholesomeness. c:

#I normally do slow burn build ups #Because it’s so juicy once you finally get to a point where the muses do fall in love #It feels so so worth it #Plus you always have so much to draw back from along with a vast array of HCS personally built over your interactions #It’s amazing! But also very time consuming and a lot of the time can likely unfortunately go nowhere if your writing partner #And you aren’t equally invested or on the same page. #Idk what I mean when I say I’m happy to indulge in pre-established SOMETIMES if I know the other writer well enough #👏 I don’t do it as often as I should but I’m seeing the pros and kicking my lil leggies in delight rn #Tbt

[demoness-one]

if i dont create a subarute at some point while owning bluebaru i stg. i need a shop soo bad. just look at this shit.... people are out here making their own baby truck i want one :'(

#ppl mostly do wrx's but im not a snob i love my subies equally #now these are the smythe kits that you just cut and paste basically but it costs more than bluebaru did so i wouldnt be doing that lol #you can diy it and its more time consuming but i find the lines of the kit very boring so it would be worth it to me #bluebaru #subaru

[stellacendia]

I used to think that the only thing I learned in photography class is that I don't like photography as much as I thought I did, until I started going through old pictures from (years) before that class and I realize I did learn something else after all

#stella speaks #teenage me was very passionate about photographing the sunset but was not very good at it #though teenage me was better than 11yo me lmao #i have some old pictures from when i was 11 (printed out too) that are objectively terrible #like super blurry can't even tell what it's a picture of kind of terrible #but i keep them anyway for nostalgia #11yo me thought some random squirrel was worth photographing and that still means something to adult me #anyway. it's very boring sorting through old pics and screenshots but i have thousands upon thousands #that are making a huge mess on my computer #and i don't need to be saving soooo many of these #so it's tedious and time consuming but it'll be so satisfying to be done

[reasonsforhope]

Ancient redwoods recover from fire by sprouting 1000-year-old buds

Article | Paywall free

When lightning ignited fires around California’s Big Basin Redwoods State Park north of Santa Cruz in August 2020, the blaze spread quickly. Redwoods naturally resist burning, but this time flames shot through the canopies of 100-meter-tall trees, incinerating the needles. “It was shocking,” says Drew Peltier, a tree ecophysiologist at Northern Arizona University. “It really seemed like most of the trees were going to die.”

Yet many of them lived. In a paper published yesterday in Nature Plants, Peltier and his colleagues help explain why: The charred survivors, despite being defoliated [aka losing all their needles], mobilized long-held energy reserves—sugars that had been made from sunlight decades earlier—and poured them into buds that had been lying dormant under the bark for centuries.

“This is one of those papers that challenges our previous knowledge on tree growth,” says Adrian Rocha, an ecosystem ecologist at the University of Notre Dame. “It is amazing to learn that carbon taken up decades ago can be used to sustain its growth into the future.” The findings suggest redwoods have the tools to cope with catastrophic fires driven by climate change, Rocha says. Still, it’s unclear whether the trees could withstand the regular infernos that might occur under a warmer climate regime.

Mild fires strike coastal redwood forests about every decade. The giant trees resist burning thanks to the bark, up to about 30 centimeters thick at the base, which contains tannic acids that retard flames. Their branches and needles are normally beyond the reach of flames that consume vegetation on the ground. But the fire in 2020 was so intense that even the uppermost branches of many trees burned and their ability to photosynthesize went up in smoke along with their pine needles.

Trees photosynthesize to create sugars and other carbohydrates, which provide the energy they need to grow and repair tissue. Trees do store some of this energy, which they can call on during a drought or after a fire. Still, scientists weren’t sure these reserves would prove enough for the burned trees of Big Basin.

Visiting the forest a few months after the fire, Peltier and his colleagues found fresh growth emerging from blackened trunks. They knew that shorter lived trees can store sugars for several years. Because redwoods can live for more than 2000 years, the researchers wondered whether the trees were drawing on much older energy reserves to grow the sprouts.

Average age is only part of the story. The mix of carbohydrates also contained some carbon that was much older. The way trees store their sugar is like refueling a car, Peltier says. Most of the gasoline was added recently, but the tank never runs completely dry and so a few molecules from the very first fill-up remain. Based on the age and mass of the trees and their normal rate of photosynthesis, Peltier calculated that the redwoods were calling on carbohydrates photosynthesized nearly 6 decades ago—several hundred kilograms’ worth—to help the sprouts grow. “They allow these trees to be really fire-resilient because they have this big pool of old reserves to draw on,” Peltier says.

It's not just the energy reserves that are old. The sprouts were emerging from buds that began forming centuries ago. Redwoods and other tree species create budlike tissue that remains under the bark. Scientists can trace the paths of these buds, like a worm burrowing outward. In samples taken from a large redwood that had fallen after the fire, Peltier and colleagues found that many of the buds, some of which had sprouted, extended back as much as 1000 years. “That was really surprising for me,” Peltier says. “As far as I know, these are the oldest ones that have been documented.”

... “The fact that the reserves used are so old indicates that they took a long time to build up,” says Susan Trumbore, a radiocarbon expert at the Max Planck Institute for Biogeochemistry. “Redwoods are majestic organisms. One cannot help rooting for those resprouts to keep them alive in decades to come.”

-via Science, December 1, 2023

#redwoods #california #wildfire #climate change #extreme heat #natural disasters #botany #plant biology #photosynthesis #santa cruz #hopepunk #sustainability #climate hope #united states #good news #hope

[oatmilkandvellichor]

i love being me. i have chosen a career path that requires me to have an M.S. to even take the licensing exam. but that’s not enough nooo. despite the fact that it is not required at all i am gunning for both a PhD and rabbinical school despite the fact that i do not need a doctoral degree to do the clinical work i am aiming for and i have no intention of actually working as a rabbi outside of taking a highly informal role within my community. unfortunately i am just… like this

#pfffft free time?? a savings account?? don’t be ridiculous #BUT ALSO #eating disorders are incredibly common in the jewish community #and i am inadvertently setting myself up to be both a rabbi and an registered dietician specializing in treating EDs in a clinical setting #which outside of my professional work #puts me in an incredibly well formulated position to be able to help my community in a way that is VERY important to me #so like #the time and money is worth it #not to mention i have an all consuming soul burning desire to do these things and i find joy meaning and purpose from all of this #even outside of the role it will allow me to play within my community

[sneak-a-cat]

actually the fact that i wrote nearly 2,000 words purely of my reactions and thoughts and theories to a fic i've been following along to for years and sent all of it to the author is the hottest trait i have.

#ive decided to not be embarrassed by doing that <3 #i would literally write a play by play of my reactions and thoughts and theories to a lot of authors #but cap and i have built up a rapport so it wasn't that scary #it is the fear of the writer disliking that sort of attention that is stopping me #it also took me 2 hours for a 21k monster chapter so for longer fanfics that would be time consuming #not as time consuming as writing them and very much so worth the time imo #but time consuming all the same #this should be a trend btw #writing intense massive reactions to a fic #i think writers would appreciate it #or maybe i'm insane #no i think i would find it overwhelming but good if someone did so to my as of yet unwritten story #rambles

[mortalityplays]

You need more free art.

I quit my job yesterday. Well, actually I quit my job eight weeks ago, but they finally released me yesterday for good behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do - but I do it for the wrong reasons. Working for major charities, you learn very fast that 'I want to make the world a better place' is a phrase you use to ask people for money, not to give them things. I was an ass-backwards fit for that world.

You need more free art. I need more free art. Everyone has felt the shift in our media landscape over the last ten years, away from access and towards nickel-and-diming the human experience. That lack of access is making life and culture worse for all of us, across the board. Paywalled news sites leave us less informed, attacks on the Internet Archive leave us less capable of research. Algorithmic social feeds and streaming walled gardens trap us inside smaller and smaller demographic bubbles, where we are increasingly only likely to encounter ideas that have been curated for us by marketing departments. Hasty efforts to resist AI commodification have only led to more artists locking their work away and calling for even more onerous systems of copyright law. This is not good for us.

We all need more free art.

So what am I going to do about it?

This is a question I have been asking myself for years. It's easy to sit here feeilng frustrated and thinking 'boy I hope SOMEONE does SOMETHING'. It's harder to take action in a world where I still have rent to pay. But hard doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes hard just means time-consuming, frustrating and slow. And sometimes it's worth doing something time-consuming, frustrating and slow because...I want to make the world a better place.

I'm going to do this:

1. From April 1st, I am relaunching as a freelance writer and editor.

This is the one that will (hopefully) help to pay the bills. I am a very good and experienced editor. I've worked on hollywood movies, I'm a member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders, I have clients who have been coming to me exclusively for more than 10 years.

Alongside bigger contract jobs, I am going to refocus on offering my services to small-press creators at a reduced rate. That means you, graphic novelists. That means you, itch and amazon writers. I want to help you develop your work, the same way I help large organisations. You can learn more about what an editor even does and what kind of pricing you can expect here.

2. I'm also going to start giving shit away. Like, constantly.

Next week I'm going to launch a new free shop. If you're unfamiliar, a free shop, giveaway shop, swap shop, etc. is an anarchist tradition of setting up a storefront where anyone can take what they like for no cost. Offline, this often means second-hand clothes, tools, furniture, food etc. Online, I am going to be giving away digital art. Copyright-free, no strings attached. It will (eventually) feature everything from print-res posters to zines, poems, tattoo flash, t-shirt designs and anything else we come up with.

Yes, I said 'we' - while this is a curated collection, it will feature work from a variety of credited and anonymous artists and activists, all of whom have agreed to give their work away to the public domain. Some of it will be practical, some of it will be political, but a lot of it will be decorative or personal. This is, in part, a response to recent difficulty I had finding somewhere that would print a one-off joke poster for a friend that featured the word 'faggot'. Enough. No middlemen - no explaining ourselves. Just print our shit and enjoy it.

I'm very, very excited about this project. I'll have more to say about it closer to the launch, but you can expect it to go live on March 27th.

2.2 I forgot to mention the ACTUAL LAUNCH GIVEAWAY

To celebrate my launch, I am going to be giving away a ton of physical prints. When I went looking for my old stock to see if it was worth setting a new (paid) storefront up, I realised I had way more old work in storage than I thought. This will be announced in its own right on Monday, but this is why I've been hinting you should go follow my Patreon.

On April 1st, I will pick 8 random patrons (from across all tiers including non-paying followers!) and mail them a bundle of assorted prints and postcards. The prize pool includes A3 and A4 posters, packs of A6 postcards, and printed minicomics that I've previously sold for up to £12 each.

You don't have to be a paying subscriber to enter - this is strictly no-purchase necessary. It is purely and entirely a celebration of the concept of GIVING ART AWAY FOR FREE.

3. PORN, YOU PERVERTS

Because I still have to pay to stay alive, I am going to be subsidising all this free art with the introduction of Fuck You Fridays. Starting from March 29th, I will drop a new 18+ short story on the last Friday of every month, over on itch.io (yes I know my page is desolate right now, don't worry I'll get there).

The first edition, Go Fuck Yourself, is about, well - telling your boss where to stick it. Julia has had it with her millionaire man-child manager, and is just about ready to let him know what she really thinks. It's a short and steamy 5k words, with a gorgeous cover illustration by @taylor-titmouse, and you can pick it up for $3 starting from March 29th.

4. ANOTHER BIG SURPRISE

I'm keeping this one under wraps for now, but April 1st will also play host to one more (FREE) launch. If you've been following me for a long time, you might remember the other significance of this date (no not April Fool's day, though that is certainly thematically relevant to this entire effort). That's all I'll say right now. Watch this space.

tl;dr: I'm sick of paywalls and career ladders. I'm literally putting my money where my mouth is. More free art for everyone and I'm not kidding around!!!

#announcement #please reblog let's make this HAPPEN

[moondirti]

big fan of the headcanon that simon riley is hard to get.

if we're being realistic, he's probably gotten very good at ignoring any inclination he might have towards a person in the years since his families' murder. it's easier to function as a soldier, as ghost, when he doesn't have to carry the burden of concern for someone so vulnerable. whether it's worrying about their safety while he's on deployment and can't afford to, or otherwise repressing his darker tendencies in an effort not to break them; the extra effort just isn't worth it to him. he won't seek you out, he won't take care of you, he won't reassure and coddle and communicate.

and he's not blind, nor is he passionless. he can appreciate a pretty face when one happens to pass by, but that's pretty much the extent of it. he's gotten used to the scorch of the lonely flame that flickers inside of him. if anything, he thinks putting it out and tending to the burns left in its wake would be a more traumatic ordeal than just letting it consume him.

so for him to accept love, it'd have to sneak up on him.

it happens with johnny first. he's the natural candidate, of course. his stubborn subordinate, clever with a fixated loyalty and quick wit – who better than him to get under ghost's skin?

granted, he isn't as guarded around him as he would've been with a civilian. not as cold upon introduction because he doesn't need to be. soap's a soldier, and this is work, and he's confident enough in the sergeant's resilience that it doesn't hinder his routine. he doesn't have to make accommodations, bend backwards or wake up in a cold sweat concerned about the man's wellbeing; not at first, anyway. and such are the floodgates that allow him to embrace johnny's company.

jokes crackled over comms. sitting next to each other on the airlifter. claps on the back after a successful operation. trust in every decision he chooses to take, regardless of whether or not he agrees. he thinks about johnny's eyes, johnny's smile, johnny's fierce little pout and the scar on his chin – but everything in moderation. the perfectly healthy amount. passing appreciation of his best mate's features and nothing more. it's the only meaningful connection he's had in years, and so what if he tugs his cock to the thought of it? people have cum to less.

until the bastard gets himself shot in the liver on solo reconnaissance in cyprus, and almost dies on medevac.

because when ghost gets that call from price – soap's hurt. it's looking grim. – he's wracked with a terror so acute he thinks his heart has given up on him. it's about the worst way to find out that he considers johnny as more than a friend. this sheer desperation, longing, regret. he ponders over it in the plane, tries to scrub the dread from his being. tries to pick apart what went wrong, what makes the sergeant so special.

by the time he reaches the hospital, he's already accepted defeat. all it takes is one look at johnny in his hospital bed – features peaceful, bandages wrapped around his bare chest, mohawk and facial hair grown out – to understand that this isn't going away anytime soon. he'll just have to make his peace with it. readjust to accommodate the protective flare already sparking in his chest.

it's a hassle, but manageable. despite his injury, johnny's still a competent man. they already know how to function in bouts of high stress. they're good– great friends. all this is really is an opportunity for simon to finally dig his cock within an ass he's been eyeing for months – or at least, that's the rationale he uses to come to terms.

and then you arrive. and things get a whole lot more complicated.

johnny's bird, apparently – gaz whispers to him outside of the inpatient room, watching through the window as you fret over the comatose man's pillows – didn' know he had one. m'surprised. you'd think a loudmouth like him would let the world know. she's cute too. really, ghost, did you have any idea?

he can't find it in him to respond, opting instead to march back into the room. you're fussing too much, causing a scene, no doubt disturbing the air with the nervous energy radiating off you in waves.

"he isn' supposed to be elevated like tha'," simon scolds, inflating a bit when you straighten up, eyes blowing wide with distress.

"oh... i just thought- he gets all hot when he lays on his back like this. i wanted him to be comfortable."

he knows that he's being cruel. you've done absolutely nothing to deserve the harsh glare he shoots your way, nor should you be expected to handle it. your eyes are red-rimmed, puffy like you've been crying on the way over. no doubt unused to crises like this one. he should be a help, not another source of stress.

besides. johnny's your boyfriend, not his. he has no reason to be so territorial. he'd only just discovered his feelings eight hours ago.

but–

"are you a doctor?"

"n-no."

"then it's best you keep your opinion to yourself."

he just can't help himself.

over the next week, ghost treats you with nothing more than cold disregard. he side-eyes you when you cry, wakes you up with rough pokes to your shoulder once visiting hours close, and takes every chance to one-up you when it comes down to who knows johnny better. you've got a leg up in the domestic department, but simon knows that nothing can surpass the borderline psychic bond they've built, and he makes sure to emphasise it whenever he can. and fuck, does it annoy him that you take it with grace every time, nodding receptively as though his input is meant to be more than just a searing critique of your shortcomings.

his behaviour doesn't go unnoticed, either. gaz is infinitely perplexed to see that the usually controlled lieutenant is so quick to lose his temper around you, despite your earnest efforts to not be a nuisance, and all price offers are long, disapproving looks that have him itch uncomfortably in his seat.

on the other hand, you must believe that he's just like that – foul mouthed, disparaging, mean – because you don't take it to heart. you remain pleasant, gentle, if not a little bit emotional. never once do you raise your voice at him, or fight back when he extends a particularly hurtful comment. on the occasion that his attitude grows to be too much for you, all you do is slip on a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and spread out your textbooks to spend the evening studying on the other side of the room. not keen on making amends, or discovering the source of simon's malcontent, but not affected by it either. you're peaceful. conflict averse. a good girl.

then, you come back one day with a tupperware of cookies.

"i made them myself last night. couldn't sleep, so..." you shrug, holding it out towards him. he assesses them, assesses you, roving over your chapped lips and hollow under-eyes. when did you get to look so defeated?

"no." he looks away, back to the unconscious man in front of him. in his periphery, your shoulders deflate, and he doesn't know what compels him to add the quiet "thanks."

"you've been here every hour of every day. i don't think i've seen you eat. um–" you dodge his gaze when it shoots to you. you've never tried to hold a conversation before now, have always accepted his gruff responses as an indication to leave him alone. he wonders why you can't catch the hint now. "just- let me know if you change your mind. they're shortbread."

and that's the end of it. at least until an hour later:

you're sitting on your armchair, directly across the bed from him, staring blankly at johnny when you speak up. "lieutenant?"

ghost doesn't remember introducing himself to you. he doesn't respond, but clenches his jaw to let you know he's listening.

"he's been comatose for a while." you warble. meaningless chatter. he sees it for what it is: talking so you don't cry. seeking reassurance in someone who knows how these things go.

"hm."

"is this how it usually-"

"sometimes."

"oh."

"he'll be alright." simon adds. more for himself than for you, but your lip wobbles like it's exactly what you needed to hear.

a few moments later, you speak up again.

"he holds you in such high regard, y'know."

he didn't. his heart aches as he follows the rise and fall of johnny's chest, finds solace in it, calming himself before he rips the hair from his skull. he can't speak, can't muster a rude dismissal, or any hatred for you. not anymore. this hospital has sucked the soul from him, as it seems to have done with you.

"he'll be happy to know you've stuck to his side." you smile, stirring from your seat and slinging your bag over your shoulder. "i have to go, got an exam tomorrow. i'll leave the cookies here in case you crave one."

you're halfway out when simon replies. "good luck."

and he's on his third cookie when johnny finally wakes. by then, he's already made up his mind. it's revelation he comes to much faster than the first.

if he can't have just johnny, he'll take you both.

#i ran out of steam towards the end could you tell #ghostsoap #simon 'ghost' riley x reader #simon 'ghost' riley x reader x johnny 'soap' mactavish #johnny 'soap' mactavish x reader #ghostsoap x reader #simon 'ghost' riley x johnny 'soap' mactavish #call of duty