#it’s that i wanted to distance myself from the at times utterly unhinged things people who insist on there being

[lubdubsworld]

Change of Heart ( TaehyungxOC) (Chapter 6)

Pairing : Taehyung x OC Werewolf AU!!

Genre : Romance, Explicit Content.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3/ Chapter 4/ Chapter 5

[ Summary :

Times are changing.

After years of being oppressed, werewolves are taking a stand against humans , demanding equal rights and fair treatment. Heading the movement is Kim Taehyung, the breathtaking heir to the Kim fortune and one of the few remaining Alpha werewolves in the country. His disdain for the human race is well known and well warranted. They killed his family after all…..

He wants to change the world , to put humans in their place but when his five year old daughter takes a shine to their very human neighbor , maybe he has to start with a change of heart , first.  ]

Warnings : Get ready for the unsexiest sex in the history of sex.  werewolf sex, knotting etc 

You can completely skip this chapter if it makes you uncomfortable . 

Literally nothing happens except that they mate. 

Chapter 6

“Luna is staying with Jimin for a week. Jimin’s sister and her kids are home so he’s sure she’ll be fine.” Taehyung said, when I asked him about the young girl. 

I nodded, slightly disappointed because I loved her and was looking forward to seeing her.

Although I suppose he probably didn’t want her to be around when he was doing....well whatever it was that he intended to do to me. I felt my pulse raise, the first tendrils of fear and panic beginning to weave through my veins. 

“You look terrified.” Taehyung commented mildly, fingers curled gently around my elbow as he led me to where his car was parked. I swallowed.

“I am terrified.” I pointed out.” I have no idea what I just agreed to.”

Taehyung hummed, fumbling with his car key and a second later the lights in a swanky black car , a little bit ahead of us, flashed with a familiar beep. Taehyung’s car looked as expensive as it probably was, black and sleek .

“Is this the car you choose anytime you’re seducing unwilling humans?” I teased. 

 I stared at the glossy metallic finish, the swanky lights that lit up along the car’s sharp and beautiful lines and my eyes caught the small exquisitely detailed silver wolf, carefully mounted on the bonnet. 

“Hmm....no one has been unwilling , so far.” Taehyung’s eyes danced with mischief. 

I rolled my eyes at that, handing over my carry-all bag when he held his hand out for it. 

“This isn’t what I would have chosen for myself.” He moved to open the boot space, lifting the small suitcase I’d packed and stowing it inside carefully.

I stared at him wondering what he was talking about.

“Someone like you...for a mate.” He pointed out and I wondered if he even heard the insult . 

“Someone like me for the rest of your life?” I gave him a dry smile.

He closed the boot sharply, the sound making me jump a little.

His gaze was intense, lush lips twisted in a frown.

“A human ...for the rest of my life.” He corrected. I felt a pang of hurt at that. It was somehow worse, knowing that I was just interchangeable with every other human of his acquaintance . He moved closer to me, reaching past me to touch the sensor on his key to the door. 

The door opened when he touched the handle, arms brushing my body as he leaned in close to me  and I flinched back instinctively..

He gave me a look. 

“Sorry...I’m just a little on edge.” 

He sighed.

“I won’t hurt you.” His voice was steady and firm , his gaze calm and soothing as he stared at me and for the millionth time, I found myself utterly enthralled by his beauty. The perfect , sharp as a blade jawline, flawless skin and sharp, bewitching eyes. 

“I think.... you know that’s a lie.” I smiled a little. He had the good grace to look a little contrite. He stepped back a bit to give me space to get in. 

“It’s not a lie.” 

I tilted my head and stared at him.

“Really? You’re telling me a human mating a wolf isn’t going to do a number on the human? ” 

Taehyung frowned, thick eyebrows furrowing. 

“It’s not going to leave any permanent damage.” 

I let out a slightly strangled laugh.

“How comforting!” 

Taehyung shrugged. 

“ It is how it is. Mating is..... an ancient ritual. Something that we’ve been doing for centuries. At the heart of it, it is something animalistic and feral because it isn’t the human part of me that’s going to be involved. And my wolf isn’t familiar with being gentle. I can’t promise he won’t hurt you but I can promise that I will help fix what he breaks.”

  What he breaks, I thought with a slightly hysterical flash of trepidation. His wolf was going to break ....what exactly?

He must’ve caught the look on my face.

“I think I could have worded that better.” He muttered. 

My tongue felt like sandpaper in my mouth.

“I’m just wondering if perhaps , a week from now,  I’m going to prefer being shot in the shoulder, to having sex with you.” I croaked out. 

His lips quirked at that.

“Not unless being shot in the shoulder gave you multiple orgasms.....no.” His eyes flashed red, boring holes into mine and my lips parted in a soft gasp. 

Arousal shot straight through my center, hot and heavy and I felt the blood rush to my face so abruptly that I was momentarily lightheaded. Feeling a bit like there was steam gushing out of my ears, I dropped my gaze away from him, down to his knees and then turned away, face flaming. 

I moved to the open door, ready to climb in hide but Taehyung moved quickly, gripping my arm and pulling me around till I crashed into his chest. 

“Tae-” I broke off when he reached out to gently cup my face, thumb brushing across my lower lip in a gentle caress. 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered, smiling gently, “  I find you incredibly desirable and I intend to show you that when you’re in my bed. The fact that my wolf also approves of you will only make the whole thing more enjoyable for you. Trust me, I’ve never had any complaints before.” 

Certain that I was probably the same shade as a ripe tomato, I yanked my hand away from him, turning around and stumbling to the door. I got into the car quickly, slamming the door shut. I could hear him chuckling lightly outside as he finished putting away the rest of my bags. 

I tugged on the seatbelt with shaky fingers, trying not to overthink. I felt torn, confused. Like he was toying with me. He was so carefully vague about what he wanted and what he felt , it was impossible to understand him. I watched the seat belt click into place and the sat back to stare straight ahead. 

The driver’s door opened and Taehyung climbed in, powering the vehicle and slipping his belt on in one smooth move before letting his fingers play across the backlit dashboard. Soft music began crooning through the speakers and he carefully adjust the mirrors manually before gripping the steering wheel and carefully easing the care out of the parking lot.

“We’ll pick up a few supplies on the way.” He commented mildly. 

“Supplies?” 

“Medical supplies.” 

I felt my pulse jump again.

“I’m beginning to regret this immensely.” I whispered, fingers digging into my thigh as I willed myself to not scream. 

Taehyung turned to give me a look.

“you do know, I’d have to bite you, right?” 

I felt my jaw come unhinged.

“I...you... what?!” 

Taehyung groaned. 

“please don’t freak out. “ H’s voice deepened, probably in an attempt to be soothing, “ It’s just a small bite. It won’t be that deep or anything but it will leave a mark. It’s supposed to. Kind of a sign that you’re mated.”

I stared at him , dread pooling in the pit of my stomach and making me feel mildly nauseous. 

“Would it.. Would i... ?” I couldn’t even finish it. 

Taehyung looked confused for a second and then his face went completely blank.

“No.” He said shortly. 

“No, I -?”

“No, you won’t turn into a fucking werewolf, Jesus Christ” He snapped furiously,” Do you really think I’m gonna turn you into a were without your fucking consent? “ 

I felt myself sinking back into the plush leather seat in the face of his anger. 

The air was heavy with a tense silence for  a few minutes and then he sighed loudly, breath leaving him in an exhale.

“I’m.... I’m sorry. I know this is frightening for you and I’m grateful that you’re here. I want... Fuck. I want to make this... good for you. And if not good at least ...bearable. “ 

I stared down at my shoes. 

“I’m just... I feel scared because I don’t know what I’m walking into.” 

I looked up when the car slowed down and I noticed he was pulling into the parking lot of an all night mart of some  kind. I watched as he carefully pulled in between two smaller cars .

“You wanna come in with me? Or would you rather wait here?” He asked casually. 

“I’ll...I’ll stay here.”

He hummed and kept the air conditioner and the music running , moving out of the car . I watched him leave , his tall suave figure earning him dazzled looks from the people in the parking lot. 

I watched as nearly every single woman in the place ogled him, taking in the perfectly tailored slacks, the silk shirt and his striking good looks. He looked a little rakish today, having run a  hand through his hair earlier and even from a distance, there was no doubting that he was one of the most gorgeous men in the entire country. 

And no one in their right mind would think he was anything but an alpha, I thought balefully, watching the way he stalked across the tarmac, his gait predatory and focused. People stepped out of his way instinctively. No one met his gaze head on and I knew exactly why.

Staring at Taehyung was like staring down an apex predator. 

Even the dumbest of men wouldn’t be dumb enough to provoke someone who looked like  that. 

 i caught my own reflection in the mirror and felt myself shrink in on myself. 

I wasn’t ugly. 

Far from it.

 I could even be beautiful if I had a couple of hours and access to some good beauty products. But I wasn’t werewolf level beautiful. I couldn’t think of a single quality in me that would qualify me to be Kim Taehyung’s significant other. I remembered the model he had been dating, Ji hyun. She had been so beautiful. Tall and lissome with perfectly sculpted features. 

in what world could I compete with that?

 And What about.... the emotional connection?

 I groaned at the very though of it. 

Love was such an abstract thing to define but I wasn’t a cynic. I could imagine myself being in love with Taehyung, falling for him and in fact, I was pretty sure that I was already half way there already. 

I had wanted him to be interested in me when he had asked me to look after Luna. Had wanted that hot and heavy gaze on me, had wanted him to touch me,  with  less than pure intentions. But it had still  been just  a crush, albeit a big one.

Back then,  I had convinced myself to forget about it because of the sheer impossibility of it ever happening. But now, my traitorous heart was beginning to whisper little phrases of hope at me. 

 What if he likes you too....

What if he fell in love with you too....

I had to tamp down that voice before it grew any louder, I thought miserably. Did I not remember how he had looked, when he’d asked me to come with him? Like he was being held at gunpoint? 

The door clicked open again and I blinked. Taehyung opened the rear door and tossed a few bags on the seat there before the slamming the door shut and climbing in next to me. 

“I’ve asked the house keeper to stock the pantry and get the rooms cleaned. The staff won’t be around for a week so I would have to make sure it doesn’t get too filthy.” 

“I can help... to cook and clean.” I said quickly.

He hesitated before smirking a little. 

There was something feral in the smile, something lewd and suggestive and I felt myself blushing although I had no idea why. 

“What? Why are you looking at me that way....”

He shrugged.

“I just think its cute that you think that.” 

I frowned, not at all sure what he was implying.

“What does that even mean? What am I thinking that’s so ridiculous.?” 

“It cute that you think that you can still move around after getting fucked by an alpha werewolf on his rut. “ His eyes fairly danced with amusement and I felt my jaw drop.

“You- That's- “ I was momentarily incoherent with how much his words had scrambled my brain, “ ... ...How dare you!” I finished in a hash whisper. 

He laughed out loud at that. 

“I’m supposed to be selling this whole mating thing to you . I think I’m doing a bad job of it.” He shook his head, before starting the engine again. 

I didn’t reply, my cheeks hurting from the effort it took not to scream. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I held the bags carefully, while a couple of young men carried over my suitcases into the elevator. Taehyung was leaning on the counter at the reception desk and the girl behind the desk was making moon-eyes at him. 

"Mr. Kim, we’ve already spoken to the other residents. The penthouse suit if off limits for the rest of the week as you requested. Your daughter’s nanny was here earlier and she said she’ll bring Luna back when you ask her to.”

Taehyung nodded.

“Excellent. This is my fiance, Yoon Mi Rae.” He said casually and I flushed at the phrase. 

“Oh, fiance?” The woman made no effort to hide the disappointment and disbelief on her face. I smiled weakly.

“Yes. Surprised?” He chuckled and I frowned when the girl laughed too.

“Never thought you would go for a human, Tae.” She tilted her head . 

The nickname surprised me. So they were close, then?

“ Sometimes life surprises you that way.” 

I sighed, turning away at the words. I tamped down the urge to yell at him that I didn’t particularly savor the thought of being mated to him either. That given a choice I would rather be with a man who actually  wanted  me. 

But that wasn’t why I had agreed to this whole thing was it? Taehyung’s cause was bigger than both of us. My father was doing something illegal and damaging and he had to be stopped. 

That was what this was about. 

If I lost sight of that bigger picture and focused on the little things, then I would likely be miserable for a long long time. 

Little things like the fact that Taehyung had absolute no interest in falling in love with a human. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The apartment was spacious and decorated s tastefully that I couldn’t help but stop and stare. It was very obvious that Taehyung had painstakingly picked the decor out himself. A few Van Gogh paintings hung on one of the walls and the entire living space was done in muted tones of beige and also colors of rich mahogany brown with lush red and maroon trinkets for relief. 

Taehyung directed the med to leave the suitcases in the master bedroom and then once they left, he carefully closed the door behind them.

I heard the sound of the lock clicking in place and slowly, the dread from earlier returned. 

“Do you drink?” Taehyung asked casually, shrugging out of his jacket and tossing it on the couch., I watched him move to the massive fridge in the kitchen, and felt my lips trembling a bit.

“Just- Just water.” I said softly. 

He grabbed a few bottles of water and carefully poured me a glass. He looked up then and his gaze caught mine. 

Feeling incredibly vulnerable, I merely stared back. 

“Are you hungry?” He asked gently. 

I shook my head. 

He nodded, stepping out from behind the counter and walking over , holding out the glass of water. I took it from him cautiously and took a sip. 

“We need to talk about this. I don’t... I don’t want you to be blindsided by anything that happens tomorrow. “

 Tomorrow. 

“Okay. I’m listening. “ I took a few more sips of the water and he carefully took the glass from me. 

I moved to sit on the couch but he stopped me with a hand to my arm. 

“Do you dance?” He said casually. 

I blinked.

“Dance?”

He smiled and snapped his fingers a couple of times. 

I gasped when the lights in the living space dimmed down not turning off entirely but bathing the entire room in hues of gold . The light made him look ten times more enthralling and the soft smile on his face made me want to weep. If I had been half in love earlier, I’d certainly fallen the entire way down in that damned smile. 

“I think you should get used to my body first.” He smiled and stepped closer, gently wrapping one arm around my waist before grabbing my wrist and guiding it to his shoulder. I curled my fingers tentatively, feeling my pulse pound at the smoothness of the silk and the underlying strength of his muscles. I brushed my fingers gently against his shoulder blades, stroking down to his pecs and stopping when my palm rested right over his heart. 

“You like that?” He smiled, “ Because I certainly do” and there was no hint of teasing there, just genuine pleasure and in the face of such honestly, I couldn’t help but blush. 

“You’re.... big.” I finished , feeling my face flame. 

He nodded. 

“I am. Everywhere. its probably going to be a bit of a problem for you later.” He smiled and pulled a small square remote from his pocket. 

Music began to spill into the air from the speakers and I laughed at the song.

“ I was made for loving you”  Tori Kelly’s beautiful voice crooned and I shook my head.

“You are good at this, Alpha Kim.” I said softly. “Is this the part where your conquests begin taking off their clothes?” 

He hummed and began to move, one hand curving around my waist and the other lightly resting on my back. I swayed with him, enjoying the gentle intimacy.

“I actually prefer doing that myself.” He smirked and I nodded, relaxing a bit. Taehyung was likeable, not an asshole by any stretch of the imagination and surprisingly humble considering the kind of wealth he had at his disposal. 

I liked him deeply and while it was obvious he thought he had to handle me like fine china, the truth was I wasn’t even half as scared as I ought to have been. 

“You’re pretty calm now. You were..... very would up earlier.” I pointed out.

He hummed,  his fingers tracing up and down my back before resting at the base of my spine, thumb gentle as it stroked my skin through the fabric of my dress. 

“I can control it easier because you’re right here. My wolf is calm because you’re in my arms. And my rut probably won’t start till I’m ... well , for a few hours at least. “ 

I nodded.

“How do you know its starting?” I asked, curious.

He gave me a grin.

“Oh trust me you’ll know.” He muttered, pulling me slightly closer till I was pressed right up against his body, hips pressing into me gently. I felt the hard press of his erection and even with the layers of fabric between us I could tell how well endowed he was  and I stilled, backing away a little. 

“I’m.... Sorry, I...” I whispered.

But he grabbed my wrists, tugging me back gently.  

“Don’t apologize. Its alright.  You need to get used to me. Like this, I can watch how you react and back off when I want but later...I may not be that coherent. I just want you be comfortable before we start anything. “ He said softly, fingers fluttering down to link with mine. 

“Are you saying you won’t stop if i ask you to?” 

Taehyung hesitated.

“No...if you’re actually hurting or in danger , I’ll know and I will stop. But my wolf probably won’t stop if its just you getting cold feet and you aren’t in any real danger from me. “ 

I looked away, not feeling very reassured. The bigger picture, I reminded myself. I wasn’t here for a good time. I was here because he needed me and not the other way around. 

Taehyung took my silence for disapproval and gently touched my face, eyes wide with apology. 

“I’m sorry.” He said calmly, “ Wolves have....different moral codes and that's probably why its incredibly rare for a wolf to mate with a human.”

“What do you think happened with us?” I asked him, “ You obviously need a were in your life. So why did your wolf pick me?”

He didn’t reply. 

“Is this permanent?” 

“For me, yes. For you, no.”

“What does that mean?” 

“When you leave here , you can go back to your old life. You can probably meet another guy and get married if you want. I however would not be able to have another relationship...” 

I felt my jaw drop.

“That’s....” i began but he shook his head. 

“It’s alright. I’m not a huge fan of relationships. I have my work and Luna. My life is complete as is.” 

There was nothing much to say to that. 

“You wanna go to bed now?” He asked quietly . 

I smiled at how nervous he looked.

“Lead the way.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taehyung’s bedroom was almost surgical suite clean and also incredibly huge. The large four poster bed had huge ornate frames and I felt my eyes redden when I saw the handcuffs neatly cuffed to the lowest rung.

Taehyung followed my gaze and smiled.

“Ah. Thats just a precaution.” 

“you want to put me in handcuffs?” i blurted out and he laughed.

“No...I’ll be the one in the handcuffs. When I’m knotting you, my claws are going to pop and I don’t want to hurt you accidentally. The handcuffs will make sure that my hands stay off you.” 

“Okay.... “

He moved around the room, casually fixing the lights , turning most of them off and leaving only a couple of lamps near the bed on. 

“Would you like to shower?” He prompted. “ I bought... well, there's a nightgown in the bathroom that you could wear. Only if you want to .... No pressure.”

Nightgown?

I nodded and moved to the attached bath .

“the towels are in the cupboard.” He called out behind me when I closed the door. 

I stared around at the bathroom which was almost as large as the living space. A bathtub stood in the corner and it looked large enough to hold three people comfortably. A shower stall stood on the left and I quickly stripped out of my clothes and moved to the shower. 

The buttons took a little time for me to figure them out but the hot water on my body was a welcome relief. The water helped loosen my muscles and the slight twinge in my shoulder was almost fully gone. 

I wrapped myself in a fluffy towel and noticed the white box , tied together with a satin ribbon. I opened it carefully half expecting something scandalous.

It wasn’t. 

I pulled out the plain white cotton nightgown, and it looked especially fragile. 

Confused but willing to indulge him, I slipped it on quickly, brushing my teeth and fluffing my hair before stepping out. 

Taehyung was half naked on the bed and I froze near the bathroom. He was wearing just a pair of boxers which did nothing to hide his arousal. 

“You alright , sweetheart?” He said gently and the nickname made my teeth hurt. 

“Umm...yeah. So...we’re just doing this then?” 

“I think its starting...” He said tiredly. 

I startled.

“You said... I thought it was tomorrow..?”

“Guess the guy doesn’t wanna wait that long.” Taehyung muttered tiredly and his eyes flashed red. 

But it didn’t fade back to chestnut brown, the way it usually did.

Instead the irises stayed red, like a ruby , glinting across the distance between us as he stared me down. . 

I could feel the hysteric fear beginning to build and I fought to keep it down. It was okay... He was an Alpha and so his eyes flashed red... that’s all. Jungkook’s eyes had flashed red plenty of times when we were together. 

“Come here.” He patted his lap. 

“Okay. “ I squeaked. 

Feet leaden, I walked over to the bed , climbing over carefully and then scooting across the clean white sheets to reach him. i stayed kneeling near him. 

He was staring at me expectantly.

“Oh, you want me to sit there?” I pointed at his lap.

He looked amused. 

“If it isn’t too much of a bother.” He said primly.  

 Stop acting like its your first time.

I yelled at myself internally before throwing one leg over his thighs, raising myself up to hover over him. Taehyung grabbed the back of my thighs. gripping me hard through the flimsy night gown and yanked me forward till I was seated right on his hardness. 

I grabbed his shoulders to steady myself, staring down into his red eyes as he smiled, a slow calculating grin.

"You're beautiful. I had more than my fair share of dirty dreams about you when we first met." He confessed softly, and I felt pleasure bloom inside me at the shallow compliment. Whatever, no compliment was bad if it came from a guy like Taehyung. 

“I’m sure anyone who meets you has the same compulsion,” I pointed out and he chuckled. 

“I wanted to talk to you about tonight. It isn’t because I want to scare you but because I don’t want to blindside you when it happens. Humans aren’t built to take a knot. They just aren’t. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you haven’t tried anything ....along those lines before?” He asked carefully. 

I shook my head.

“The only were I’ve slept with is Jungkook and he never-”

Taehyung snarled, so sudden and uncalled for that I nearly toppled over. A ripping sound near my waist made me balk, and I stared down at my side, where one incredibly sharp claw had popped , tearing cleanly through the fabric of the nightgown. 

“fuck... I’m sorry... Are you okay?” He whispered urgently, the claw retracting and I could only cling to him, shaking a bit.

“Um....” I stared at him and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead like he’d run a mile. I realized he was struggling to control his wolf, eyes flashing red intermittently. “ Are you alright, Tae?” I asked him, pressing a palm to his chest . He grabbed my wrist before pressing a kiss to the inside of it. 

Taehyung gave me a strangled smile.

“Perhaps, you shouldn’t mention other wolves you’ve slept with when you’re with me,” He suggested and I felt my head swim. 

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ve always thought possessiveness is a pathetic thing to feel for someone but unfortunately as an alpha it pretty much defines my wolf.” He grimaced. 

I reached out, carefully tracing my thumb across his forehead, dabbing up a bit of the sweat gathered there before wiping it on my gown.

“I’m sure you have other redeeming qualities.” I shrugged , grinning and he smiled in return, hands coming up to gently cup my face leading me down for a soft kiss.

The pillowy softness of his lips completely threw me off and I moaned into the kiss, one arm hooking around his neck so I could kiss him better. He tasted heady and minty and altogether delicious, tongue tracing the seam of my lips before slipping in.

There was something incredibly gentle about how he kissed, so at odds with how he behaved when he let his wolf take over and the dichotomy of it was so fascinating to me. 

Kim Taehyung with his soft subtly seductive words, his gentle touches and patient kisses was also Alpha Kim, the wolf with ruby red eyes, blood lust and violence in his gaze when he was threatened. 

When he pulled back I was panting and almost in a trance. 

“I wanted to help you get through tonight without being too hurt. Is that okay?” 

I gave him a bemused smile.

“No, I’d rather you put me through immense pain.” I said drily. 

His eyes narrowed at the sarcasm, and he lightly spanked my thigh. I flinched at the sharp pain, gone before I could fully process it but the delicious heat from the impact stayed, thrumming under my skin. 

“Vixen.” He growled.

I quieted down, watching him expectantly. 

“Why don’t you lie down?” He gave my hips a small squeeze. 

I quickly climbed off him, sinking into the mattress and carefully lying down . 

“I’ll be back. Give me a second.” 

I watched as he carefully climbed off the bed , my gaze drawn to his naked back, the strong width of his shoulders and the way it tapered to his waist. The silk of his boxers left nothing to the imagination and I had to look away, gripping the sheets and breathing evenly through my nose just to curb the urge to whimper. 

Muscle memory is a hell of a thing, I thought desperately, feeling my thighs begin to tingle. Naked man, dim lighting and bed equaled sex in my mind and my body was responding easily to the atmosphere and Taehyung’s gorgeous body was just an added bonus. 

He grabbed something from the cupboard and a bottle from the dresser and I stared, curious as he made his way over. 

“Have you ever dabbled with ....bdsm?” He asked casually , tossing the bottle up and catching it easily.  I stared at his long , long fingers, the way they looked, gripping the surface. 

I felt myself flush from the top of my head all the way down to the soles of my feet. 

“Uh... A couple of times. I was really young.” I said hastily. “ He was...uh..well he was older and...”

“Don’t worry about it. I just didn’t want you to get scared. You’ve been in subspace then?” He was making his way over and I could feel nervousness build. It took a me a second to process what he’d just asked. 

I hesitated. 

“It... I was too scared to fully let go..” I admitted. “ I fall easily and it terrified me because I didn’t fully trust him .” 

Taehyung hummed, moving closer to me and carefully placing a strip of black cloth on the pillow next to my head. He dropped the bottle on the mattress and knelt on the edge, next to me, stroking the hair back from my face and smiling.  

“I understand. Do you  feel that way with me, too? If you do, we can think of some other way to do this. “ 

I felt my eyes flutter shut at the gentle touch of his fingers. 

“I trust you.” I said softly.

He nodded.

“It’s nothing intense , I swear. I just want to blindfold you. And then maybe a little bit of impact play...i noticed you liked that....” His lips quirked. 

I blushed , nodding. He picked up the dark strip of cloth, stretched it between his fingers, testing the give of the material. 

“The blindfold is going to help keep you grounded. No distractions, yeah? I want you to follow my voice and feel my touch, don’t think about anything else ....is that clear?” 

I nodded.

“Words, angel.” He said gently. 

My toes curled at the endearment. 

“Uh... Yes.” 

“Yes, sir.” He corrected gently. 

I felt my body run hot and cold all at once, lips parting and throat going dry. 

“S-Sorry?”

Taehyung chuckled gently and I jumped when he gently placed the blindfold over my eyes, the world dissolving in black before me as he carefully tied the strip behind . 

Once it was secured, I felt the gentle touch of his finger across my cheeks.

“It’s not just about you tonight, is it, pet?” His voice had dipped lower, the drawl more pronounced. “ Don’t you think I deserve to feel good too?” 

I almost sat up , nervous and jittery because I couldn’t see him and I startled when cool hands gripped my waist and shoulder, holding me down.

“What’s wrong, angel?” 

I swallowed.

“Nothing.. I... I’m sorry. “

“Colour?”

I blanked out for a second.

“Red for stop, yellow if you want me to slow down and green if you’re okay to continue, angel.” He said gently.

I nodded again. 

“Words, angel. I need you to use your words at all times.” 

“Yes...” I whispered.

“Yes?” He prompted. 

“Yes sir.” I answered quietly.

“Good girl.” He whispered and I felt the light touch of his lips against mine. I felt my breathing even out at the gentle caress. Fingers fluttered over my hand and I felt him gently loosen my grip on the sheets. 

He gripped my wrist gently and moved it over my shoulder.

“I want your hand over your shoulder at all times. Can you do that for me? If you can’t , I can restrain them for you.” 

I was already moving them down almost unconsciously. He hummed, pulling my wrist back up and I flushed. I wasn’t going to be able to do that. 

“Please ..tie them up for me.” I whispered. 

He didn’t reply and I felt him move away , my body suddenly cold from his absence , and I took deep steadying breaths. I felt myself relaxing against the covers, lips parting as I stopped trying to hold my hands up, just letting them rest on the pillows , limbs loose. 

The touch of something silky to my wrists, made me jump, but fingers pressed my hips, stroking gently.

“Shush....its okay , baby. Let me just take care of you, yeah?” Taehyung’s voice came from right near my ear and I exhaled.

“Yes sir.” I whispered and he laughed softly, the sound mellifluous against my lobe. 

“Now you’re learning. ” He pressed another kiss to the corner of my mouth, lips slightly wet and forceful as he breathed , “ Good girl.”  and I felt the words all over me, like euphoria in my veins, spreading to every part of me.

 It was blissful, the way warmth spread through me, my limbs going lax as I felt him carefully tie my wrists to the bed post, the thought if tugging on them didn’t even cross my mind.

 All I wanted to do was to stay here forever, my head clear and thoughts practically nonexistent. It was like nothing existed, except for the endless dark I was in and the touch of his fingers on me. The music of his voice as he whispered praise against my skin. 

I felt bereft when he moved away but he was back before I could fully miss him. 

“I’m going to touch you baby.....Going to make you feel good. Is that okay?”

“Yes sir.”

“Perfect.”

I heard the pop of a bottle opening.

I felt the bed dip as he climbed on, kneeling near my legs. 

A few seconds later, fingers lightly gripped my ankle, warm and smooth.  lifting my foot up and placing it on his lap. 

My lips parted in a filthy moan when he dug his fingertips into my ankle, smoothing out the skin and pain blossomed where he squeezed, the muscles protesting as he gently massaged the knots away. 

“I’m going to get familiar with your body first.... wanna know what makes you feel good.” 

“Okay Tae....” I breathed out.

A sharp spank on my thigh made me jolt in surprise and I gasped, heat licking its way up my leg and making me clench my thighs together . The pain was sharp and stinging and it made my eyes water just a bit.

“That’s not what you’re supposed to call me, is it pet?” He sounded annoyed and I felt myself scrambling to apologize. 

“No..I’m sorry ... sir.. I’m...”

“I’m being very patient with you , pet. Next time, I won’t stop with one.” 

I nodded before quickly remembering.

“Yes sir.”

He hummed and went back to massaging my feet, first one then the other. I relaxed against the pillows, feeling my eyes grow heavy as he worked his magic on me and time became insignificant.

I didn’t know how long I’d laid there and it was only when his hands moved up, past my knee, across my thighs and then closer my inner thighs that I began to come to myself. 

“Can I take your panties off baby....” He whispered, voice hoarse.

I was breathing through my mouth, slightly dizzy. 

“Yes, sir.” I whispered. Fingers hooked on the edged of the fabric, tugging my underwear down and off me swiftly. Somehow everything inside me shifted when I felt him against my skin. The soothing pleasure disappeared, replaced by apprehension . 

“Beautiful .” He whispered and I swallowed, nervous and scared.

I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come.

“What’s wrong angel? You alright?” He asked urgently. 

I swallowed again.

“I’m...Sir... I... what are you... I want...” I couldn’t get my thoughts in order and the panic rose again. 

“Its okay baby... tell me what’s wrong?” He whispered gently, and I bit my lips. 

“Red.... I... I’m not... I can’t ....”

He moved away at once and a second later, the blindfold came off . i blinked at the dim light and Taehyung was kneeling right next to me, worry clouding his eyes .

“You okay?” He whispered. 

“Can you ....on top of me? I’m just.. I feel so cold.” I whispered. 

Taehyung smiled, wide before nodding. 

“That’s fine. Anything for you...” 

The next second, I felt him move on top of me, hot and warm, heavy and firm and solid as he pressed into me. I wanted to touch him, to reach out and grip him and anchor myself because I felt like I was about to float away. 

“Should I take the restraints' off?, “ Taehyung read my mind so swiftly , it left me reeling. “  Do you wanna touch me?” He whispered and I nodded. 

“Okay... as you wish baby...we’re doing it your way... okay?” 

“Okay...sir.”

“You can call me Tae....” He  said warmly and I felt myself relax a bit more. He pulled on the restraints quickly and my wrists dropped to the bed t once, my shoulder beginning to throb a little but even the pain was muted, barely there. 

He massaged my wrists gently, pressed a kiss to them and I felt affection bloom inside me along with regret. 

“I’m sorry...” I whispered.

Taehyung glanced at me in surprise and shook his head.

The first time isn’t going to be perfect. It happens.” He kissed me again, gently but firmly, fingers fluttering down my waist .

“First time?” I grinned. “ Wow I didn’t know I was your first, Alpha Kim.” 

“First time with each other , brat.” He lightly spanked my hips and I yelped.

“I’m beginning to think, this whole spanking thing is more for you, than me...” I wrinkled my nose.

Taehyung grinned.

“I prefer paddles and whips actually. “ He said coolly and I felt my heart leap to my throat. 

“I-”

“Don’t worry... only with  absolutely willing partners.” He winked.

And then he groaned, eyes flashing red. 

“Fuck....” He groaned. 

“What’s wrong...?” I whispered, worried. 

“Can I touch you... I think... It’s ... My wolf... “ He muttered and I smiled wrapping both arms around his next and drawing him down for a kiss. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is this okay....? Fuck...” Taehyung grunted and I keened as his fingers slipped in deeper, stroking and searching and I blinked away tears, face pressed into the pillow as I lay face down on the bed. Taehyung was on me, finger fucking me so well that I’d already cum twice and now my limbs weren’t functioning at all. 

“Okay...just please....” I groaned when another finger traced my entrance and a sob got wrenched out of me when he dipped it in lightly.

“Doing so well for me baby, taking my fingers so well... Can’t wait to see you wrapped around my knot....gonna claim you and fuck you so well, my pretty , pretty pet...” He pushed the fourth finger in and the stretch made me wail. 

Taehyung had a filthy , filthy mouth and everything he said made me want to cry. The stretch of four fingers was too much and I had to grit my teeth, breathe through my mouth just to stay in my senses. I took deep shuddering breaths, willing myself not to start sobbing. 

“I’m so sorry... “ He kept apologizing, alternating the push and pull of his fingers with wet, messy kisses along my shoulder. I groaned , eyes heavy as I tried to stay conscious.

“..’s too much...” I slurred, my eyes wet with tears and lashes damp. 

“Just a bit more... I don’t wanna hurt you when I... when we ... please baby...just hold on a little yeah...” Taehyung sounded desperate.

I sobbed out in protest when his fingers went in deeper, cleaving my insides and trying to make room where there was none. It went on for a few minutes and then his thumb was brushing my clit, lightly , barely a brush and I was cumming again, clamping around his fingers so hard that I felt like I was crumbling on the inside.

“Okay.... “ Taehyung kept his fingers inside me, soothing me through the tremors., “ I think... It’s okay... I think this should work.” He pressed one last kiss to my shoulder and I made to turn over but he held my shoulders down. 

“Let’s do it like this, angel.... It’ll hurt less.” He whispered and then he was pulling his fingers out , spreading my thighs apart so he could lie in between and I whimpered at the emptiness, feeling like I’d stepped right off a cliff , but before I could hit bottom and shatter, he was on me, grounding me, gripping me tight as he pressed his hardness against me.

“You ready?” He whispered.

I managed a weak nod and a second later he pushed in .

It felt a little like being stabbed straight through, only a million times more pleasurable. 

And then he was gripping my waist, lifting me up and moving me till I was on all fours, staring at the rungs of his four poster bed. He moved his hips gently, pulling out just a bit before pushing back in and I felt my eyes roll back in my head. 

He was so fucking big even the four fingers felt like too little of a stretch. 

His hands came around to grasp the lower rung of the bed. 

“Put the handcuffs on me .” He said from behind me and I exhaled harshly, trying not to collapse into the bed as I fumbled with the metal restraints. My head felt heavy, my body thrumming with adrenaline and exhaustion and I could feel the messy wetness between my thighs, dripping down the length of my legs and pooling on the soft white sheets. 

When the handcuffs had locked both his wrists in place he shuddered behind me. He was so big inside me that I couldn’t even clench down on him, my inner walls stretched so wide around him that I felt like I was inch away from coming apart.

“We’re doing this... any last wishes?” 

I smiled despite myself , shaking my head.

“Is it too late to say I don’t put out on the first date?” I choked out and his laughter, warm and inviting flooded my senses, a better aphrodisiac than the hour long foreplay he’d subjected me to. 

“Is it too early to say that I want to do this to you, everyday for the rest of our lives.” He whispered and I felt my eyes widen in shock, the confession so unexpected that I actually nearly pulled away from him. 

But before I could fully relish what I’d just heard, he was gripping the bed hard and pulling out before shoving right back in. 

“Oh, God...” I choked out as he fucked into me, each thrust carefully sharp and strong. He had insane control over his hips, the steady staccato of his body hitting the back of my thigh, loud and incessant in the quiet darkness. 

“Touch yourself for me baby..... come on make yourself cum so I can make you mine...” He said harshly and I felt the warm wetness of his lips against my shoulder, kissing and leaving wet trails as he mouthed at the skin there.....and I slipped a finger between my legs , rubbing lightly at my clit , my body screaming in protest because I had long fallen over the edge of overstimulation and this was just too much , too fast now. But I kept my eyes closed, listening to his voice as I gently rubbed circles on the swollen nub at my entrance and when I felt my orgasm hit, my eyes flew open.

“Tae, I’m....” I began , raising my head as I began to clamp down on him . My eyes widened as the hands in front of me transformed, claws popping out from each finger , razor sharp and deadly. 

I closed my eyes in terror, a scream getting torn out of me just as Taehyung growled behind me, pushing hard inside me, going deeper than I thought was even possible. The lips at my shoulder moved, pulling back and my eyes flew open in shock when twin pricks of pain bloomed on the junction between my neck and shoulder. 

Fear broke through the adrenaline fueled mess of pleasure in my head and I whimpered when he sank his fangs into me, teeth breaking skin without any effort and the hot, warm wetness of my blood as it gushed out of the tear. as right. 

Humans did not belong with wolves because this...this was just so effing painful.

And then before I could fully recover from the pain of the bite, I felt him shifting inside me. And then somehow he seemed to be getting bigger, inside me. 

“I’m so sorry , baby.” Taehyung whispered, “ Can you get the  handcuffs.?”

I pulled on the safety in the handcuff and he pulled his hands away, gripping my waist and lightly turning me over till I was on my side, panting as he stayed inside me . We lay there, staring at the side wall, him spooning me as he struggled to stay still inside me, because everytime he moved, I whimpered. 

“Just a few minutes.... I... I can’t pull out for a few minutes.” He whispered, now licking away at the blood on the bite mark and I couldn’t bring myself to respond because it felt a little like I was being split into two. 

“How... how much bigger are you going to get?” I choked out , vaguely aware that he was still cumming inside me that there was so much of it that it was beginning to drip out of me.

Taehyung didn’t reply and I closed my eyes. 

The pain was building , now, steady and sure, slowly replacing the pleasure and I wondered briefly if I should have gotten drunk for this. But Taehyung had been very adamant about me being sober. 

I flinched when he shifted a little.

“So that’s it then ? We’re werewolf married now?” I choked out.

Taehyung chuckled.

“Yes, we’re werewolf married.” He said gently and moved to touch my face but the movement jostled him inside me and I let out a low keen of pain. Taehyung froze. 

“Does it hurt too bad?” he asked worriedly.

I grimaced.

“Not the most pleasant wedding I’ve been to.....But definitely prefer it to getting shot though.” I choked out and he laughed,  stilling quickly when I whined at the movement. 

“I’m sorry. Don’t worry...Once I can move, i’ll get you the pain killers and I’ll clean the bite mark too. It’s not too bad. Don’t think you’ll need stitches even. “ 

I blinked back tears as the pain intensified steadily. 

I felt my eyes grow heavy , exhaustion slowly seeping in along with the pain.

“I think... I’m gonna pass out.” I whispered. 

Taehyung kissed me gently.

“That’s probably your body offering you some respite. You should probably take it up on that offer.  “ He whispered and I couldn’t even muster a smile. 

Instead I closed my eyes and let the darkness wash over me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : Did I really just write 7k of bad porn ?  Why yes...yes I did. 

Also poor taehyung, my baby really tried to make it good for her :’( 

As always comments are love <3 Please show me more love <3 I’m needy.....

#taehyung smut #bts werewolf au #bts werewolf #taehyung werewolf au #bts fics #bts au #bts smut #taehyung fics #taehyung reactions

[textsfromtheborderline]

When a psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them, run away with them, and live with them happily ever after in a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?

This sounds like the premise of a slasher horror movie, but I was once faced with this exact choice in August of 2016.

At the time, I did not know that I had BPD. All I had just discovered was that the person who I loved madly was a psychopathic Narcissist. As far as life-defining moments go, this one still makes the top of my list. All the research I was finding at the time was stigma infused and utterly shocking. I was appalled at what I was learning about Narcissism; I was even more repulsed, scared, and heartbroken by what this meant for our relationship.

My Narc and I had known each other for a long time, seven years to be exact. We’d had on-and-off periods, with the most recent one being from the summer of 2013 to my Narc’s sudden reappearance in May of 2016. It didn’t take long for her to turn my life upside down, of course, but what I remember the most was the thrill of it all.

Just days into our renewed contact with each other, she sent me a lovely text message that was as vibrant and promising as the blooming weather:

Hey I had this wonderful plan. I plan on buying a lot of land in the middle of nowhere, on which I’d put an ‘eco home’. I’d grow my own food and have a horse as well as my small pet now. Wanna come?? (Serious offer). Remember when we used to dream about this stuff in high school? Well guess what, it can happen now! Haha.

The thought of living with my best friend was already dreamy. We had indeed planned to move in together ever since high school. I think it really speaks to how deeply we had grown to be comfortable in each other’s presence, how close we’d become, to the point that our future plans always included each other without question. Of course, these were also the early indicators of co-dependency, but we just did not know it at the time.

We were quite happy to chat excitedly over the phone while we browsed interior decorating magazines and giggled about choices of furniture. We sighed over houses we could never afford. We fantasized about places we could never live in, most notably Chicago, because that was where one of our favourite bands was from so obviously we would have to live there, too.

We philosophized over the colours of curtains and which kinds of scented candles we would have upstairs and downstairs. We could have cats or dogs. And better yet, both! Years later, we would quietly discuss the prospect of adopting children and we solemnly vowed that if we weren’t married for love (particularly to each other) by the age of 30, that we may as well never get married at all.

When my Narc used to work exhausting factory night shifts, I would prepare a series of cute text messages for her to read while she was relaxing in the bath after work. Circumstances being what they were, we had to maintain a long-distance relationship at that point. This was my small, imaginary means of greeting her with a kiss on the cheek when she came home.

I would poetically describe a different scenario each night: cooking and eating dinner together, massaging her feet while we watched a movie, taking her coat off at the door and sweeping her into my arms, making her coffee in the morning, going shopping together, having her sneak up behind me and surprise me with a searing kiss while I was working at my computer, bringing her breakfast in bed…my imagination offered an endless supply of domestically blissful scenarios in which we found ourselves, and my Narc was quite a willing and able participant in our shared fantasies.

We meant no harm. I guess that in our minds, we already functioned like a happily married couple. There was just this little thing called reality that kept getting in our way.

Like all the best laid plans, our plan to live together never became a reality. It’s worth pointing out here that my relationship with my Narc was my only most serious and intense one. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but my Narc is truly the first person with which I imagined a life-long future with. I wanted the whole nine yards, as they say: professional fulfillment, personal happiness, a joyful family, and a wife with which to share this miraculous life with.

I was completely captivated by the connection I felt with my Narc. It took my breath away to know that she seemingly reciprocated my feelings and that I was not alone in my visions for the future. I loved her for taking my loneliness away, for encouraging me to explore my desires, and for never once trying to constrain my emotional intensity.

My Narc and I pushed the limits of each other’s imagination with graceful ease, never pausing to wonder for a moment if we were being realistic. We did not care about fracturing reality, about facts and feelings sometimes being mismatched. All we cared about was the high that we got from being together. That was enough. God, that was more than enough.

Over the years, and especially near the end of our relationship, we somehow tacitly gave each other permission for our shared imaginations to become a safe place for us to explore…darker thoughts. Sometimes we would text or email them to each other, despite feeling that it was risqué to put them out there like that.

Yet the rush we got from doing so was incomparable. I was hesitant to share my sexual fantasies with her at first, but she prompted me to be forthright about them. She told me that she didn’t mind at all, and that in fact she wanted me to be even more detailed.

It got to the point that we didn’t even have to wonder if we shared the same needs and wants; we explored everything between us from the most tender, sensual possibilities to rough, careless, wicked trysts that seemed to drip with fiery passion even through the screen.

Our influence on each other was corruptive. In our imaginations, we could do no wrong. Moral considerations paled in comparison to the power of feelings. Whatever we thought of, instantly became our reality. The greatest element of our seduction was the fact that we shared this potent, intoxicating reality.

We were, I supposed, always just on the brink of making our imaginations come true. This lent a kind of super charged energy to our interactions over the years: the promise of something more, just teasingly out of reach, yet conveyed through just a touch or a gaze. I still shiver just thinking about it.

So in truth, my Narc’s marriage proposal shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. She’d practically foreshadowed it a few weeks prior during one of our many late-night text fests:

You always catch me off guard. When i really love someone, i want them to be like you…

I guess what i was trying to say is when I was hopelessly in love with my ex, i wish he would’ve had half the devotion of you.

If people put the effort in as you do, no one would be divorced.

When I was a little girl imagining the love of my life and my wedding, it just didn’t cross my mind that I would fall in love head over heels with a psychopathic Narcissist. That kind of reality never factored into my imagination.

But I was abruptly faced with it in August of 2016. I’d spilled my heart and soul out to my Narc, knowing full well that she was a psychopathic Narcissist, and declared my undying love for her. More important than my message, however, was the way in which I said it; to my knowledge, I think that my Narc was exceptionally moved, caught off guard, and immensely pleased, which led her to text:

I don’t know what to say but i know that I’m blessed to have you. And everything that you are and will ever be. I hope its gonna be the rest of our lives.

Then a few moments later, she sent me eight simple words that made my breath catch in my throat:

Marry me and run away with me, ok?

And that’s how it happened: the love of my life just proposed marriage, and even though I had just discovered what NPD was, I was still seriously tempted. I remember being so excited that I ended up staying awake all night evaluating the seriousness of her proposal.

One the one hand, my feelings made no sense. I was struggling to process my already present shock, devastation, heartbreak, and rage regarding her abuse and the discovery of her Narcissism; this clashed viciously with a bewildering tenderness, hope, euphoria, arousal, and undeniable love that swirled within me like an intoxicating brew.

My imagination demanded that I surrendered to the intensity of my feelings, and just as I had become accustomed to doing, I gave into this pattern of fantasizing.

That’s why on the other hand, I was considering how profound our connection was. How striking my Narc’s presence was, and what a gorgeous young woman she was. Deeply troubled and damaged, to be sure, but then again…I already knew that.

I had plunged head first into our relationship from the start and never once wanted to let go, until holding on compromised my very life.

Come to think of it, my Narc is not exactly someone that you can easily say “no” to. We’re both very stubborn when it comes to handling rejection. But my point is that my Narc had an utterly compelling aura and charisma to her, to the point that I just had to share my observations with her:

Tonight there was such an intensity to your eyes. You looked at me once or twice with something that made my heart stop. Now I know I’m not completely unhinged okay. I just noticed a playful, wicked gleam, and something…else. Darker, even. It was fun and honest. Something that made me want to stare at you and never tear my gaze away, something to your sly smile that made me want to say yes to whatever thoughts were rattling around that pretty head of yours.

On the night my Narc proposed marriage, I did not say “yes.” I also didn’t say “no.”

Instead, I lost myself in fantasies of us together, or us against the world. Most interestingly, I found myself revisiting her most human moments:

Her penchant for drinking Dr. Pepper and crunching on Doritos. Her enjoyment of Christmas and assorted Christmas music (especially listening to Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra by the crackling fireplace). Her charming laugh. The way her rare smile illuminated her face. Her strong hands.

The photographs she showed me of her as a baby. Her blue toque. Her love of wearing all black. Her battered MP3 player. Her flowing hair spilled across the pillow, bathed in early morning light. The way she said my name.  

And I never told her any of this, but these were exactly the moments when I knew most profoundly that I was irrevocably in love with her. These were the moments that could not be faked or manipulated. Their truth was fully in how they felt. I wanted us to share those moments for the rest of our lives. Together.

At least, that was the plan.

During the moments when my circumstances overwhelm me, when reality gets in the way of all our plans, I retreat into the house we never lived in together.

This place has become a sort of refuge. I imagine that it’s in the middle of nowhere, in a cleared-out field, surrounded by tall pines. If you listen closely, you can hear a wolf howling in the distance. That’s how very far away from civilization we are.

Every time I came to this house, I would acquire a new identity, a new voice, a new purpose, a new way of being me. It is a place where my Narc and I are allowed to be alone together and to seek pleasure without consequence.

I imagine that the woman I am when I walk into that house is always different than the woman I am when I walk out of it.

Maybe it’s the way I style my hair. Or perhaps it’s the coat I put on. The meals we’ve shared. The things we’ve talked about. The nights we’ve spent. The arguments and reconciliations we’ve endured. The feelings we’ve drowned in. I am so sentimental.

Every room of the house holds a different memory, although my wish to see my Narc there remains the same. This house is where I can freely admit that I want to see her again without needing to castigate myself for this unhealthy thought. I’m simply free to think and to feel. And just like in reality, this is the place where my Narc lets me cradle the filthiest thoughts, but won’t approve or consent to them, which makes me feel dirty for even having them at all.

I am aware that using my imagination like this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. The problem is, I cannot stop. And to be perfectly honest, I cannot stop because I don’t quite want to.

You can speak to me without boundaries. I’m always intrigued by your mind. You never fail to amaze me.

My Narc and I imagined without boundaries. All things considered, this was far safer than living without boundaries. I maintain that the greatest thing we ever did was to make our minds unbound, to not put restrictions on our imaginations by sharing them earnestly and honestly.

But after a while, my mind stopped creating fantastic realities.

I clued into my hollow, aching loneliness in the face of reality. I admitted my deepest fears to my Narc once:

Another thing that frightens me is even if I have all I could ever want in life-including a loving, happy, respectful relationship-I will always somehow crave you.

And no, I don’t mean your False Self or all the ways you pretend; I do mean you.

Turns out I’m a hypocrite, too; I guess that’s only human. I’m worried that in all of my small, quiet moments, like when I’m making coffee, or getting dressed, or before sleep, or when I’m driving somewhere, I’m always going to find you-because I want you to be there.

I can’t give in, but I want to. I think…I also need to. In some moments it’s tiring to pretend otherwise.

I need it like a heart needs blood to beat, and I want it the way a desert wants rain. I used to be ashamed of my feelings for you, especially after I found out about your Narcissism, but not anymore. It’s pointless to carry shame for feelings, and in my case it’s impossible because I literally run on pure, intensified emotion.

You said once that you were glad you found it within yourself to reciprocate the same feeling I gave you (namely, love, only you didn’t admit that). That’s exactly why I need reciprocity, because if I don’t have it, then I feel empty.

Your reciprocity would be my euphoria.

So really, my pain isn’t coming from the fact that I’m in love with someone I can never have; I could have you. We could have each other. That’s not the problem. Sure, I put in place fail safes. Because I know my weaknesses. Many people are here to support me and ensure that I don’t crumble; I made it all but impossible for you to intrude into my life again. 

What I struggle with actually is how right it feels when I’m with you (until it all goes wrong, of course). How easy it would be for me to completely give into what I want.

You.

In the face of these fears, our house in the middle of nowhere became the safest place for me to go, somewhere that her and I could see each other again, far from the mocking world.  A place where this fear is not a fear, but the spark which lights desire and makes us come alive.

Some days I pray we don’t run into each other ever again. Other days there is nothing that I want more than for us to hurtle into each other’s’ arms, just the way we used to do.

But here’s the thing about imagination: it only builds on what you already know.

I know that my Narc is abusive. I know that her cruelty and cold, emotionless façade had become immensely tiresome. I know that I resented her apathy and hated her for every single way that she hurt me.

When I consider what I know, rather than just what I feel, I find that I cannot stay in our house for long. So let me rephrase my original question:

When an abusive psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them in order to emotionally manipulate you, insists that you compromise your own health, safety, happiness, and work to run away with them, and implies that you should drop all your family, friends, connections, and goals to be confined to a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?

If you follow in my footsteps, you will go No Contact.

Survivors talk about recovering from their abusers, yet no one seems to talk about how hard it is to retrieve your own feelings from them. Recovery is supposed to mean that you hate your abuser, that you despise them, that someday you are numb to them and could care less about their existence.

You’re supposed to change your number. Change your locks. Change cities. You have to stop listening to all the songs you loved. Stop visiting your old haunts. Stop stalking their social media.

You must especially stop having feelings for your abuser. You’re simply not allowed to. It’s wrong. And it’s wrong even more so when you have every reason to celebrate going No Contact with an abusive Narcissist. 

I know all this. But since I am living with BPD, I also know that my feelings just go on and on and on and on. 

I wonder, when will it all end?

In the aftermath of love and abuse, the truth is that I still love my Narc…my abuser. I still wonder about her and what she’s doing. I have to particularly turn my thoughts away from considering if she’s married or if she has any children. I stop myself from wondering where she is and who she is with. I don’t want to know who she’s become. Dwelling on that too much would take away whatever sanity I happen to have left.

And whenever I find myself at the doorstep of that house I imagine for us, I let my hand rest softly on the doorknob. 

Because I still want to find her there when I open the door.

#hold onto the memory...it's all you've got; I know you'll be there to soak up blood lost... #I may do more of these article-style posts! #anyway this one is very important #enjoy! #cluster b #bpd #borderline personality disorder #npd #narcissistic personality disorder #narcissistic #narcissism #Mental Healh #psychology #mental illness #abuse #healing #recovery #resource #article #non-fiction #writing #spilled ink #spilled thoughts

[jadekitty777]

Doomsday Dinner Party

Ooooh, we’re starting to hit some of my personal favorites for the week! 

Day 3 – Best-Worst Date @taiqrowweek

Summary: The world might be over as they know it, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t still time for a dinner date. [Zombie/Walking Dead AU]

Rating: T

Warnings: Just your typical things you’d expect in a zombie story – gore and lots of cussing.

Ao3 Link: Doomsday Dinner Party

~

“What’s all this?”

Tai looked up at the tall, lanky man who had just entered the room. He waved to the spread along the table like a game show host would when showing off a prize. “Dinner.”

“Yeah but what’s with the candles and the-” He looked around the table as if hoping to find something else to point out and just settled for repeating, “…candles?”

“Qrow, if you are about to tell me you have never been on a date before when you are the smoothest motherfucker I have ever known, I’m going to develop a complex.” Tai deadpanned.

The man barked a surprised laugh, raising a hand to his mouth to stifle some of it, but the wide grin stayed. “I think we’ve been hanging out too much if you’re starting to talk like me.”

“Your sense of humor is hilarious.” He retorted, pointing to the chair opposite him. “Now sit your ass down and eat.”

“Yes sir!” He saluted him before doing as told. He picked up his fork, looking down at the blue-trimmed plate.  To pretend the warmed up can of green beans and the strips of beef jerky was a feast by any measure of the word was so utterly absurd Qrow didn’t even bother joking about it as he carried on, “And you even dug out the good china and silverware! You really went all out. All for lil’ ol’ me?  What’s the occasion? Wait!” He mock gasped. “Please don’t tell me I forgot our anniversary.”

“Qrow this is our first date. Shut up already.” His tone was as dry as the Arizona desert, unamused at the other’s antics. He paused, then added hesitantly, “I just, wanted something normal. You know?”

The other speared some vegetables, expression bitter. “Nothing’s normal anymore.”

Tai looked away. “Yeah.”

There was a thick lull that settled, no other sound but a battery-powered clock that was miraculously still ticking. Qrow broke it with a sigh, “I’m being an ass again, aren’t I?”

“Lil’ bit.”

“Sorry.” He pointed finger-guns at him and winked, “Let me make it up to you tonight baby. I’ll rock your world.”

“Oh for the love of God. You’re the fucking worst.” Tai groaned.

“Since you’re like the only other person in a three-hundred mile radius, does that mean I get second place? Because, I gotta say, that’s actually a step up for me.”

He couldn’t decide if the joke was in bad taste or not, but it was so left field he couldn’t help but chuckle, if only because Qrow’s eternal insufferableness still managed to be endearing. He wasn’t the only other person in a three-hundred mile radius – or at least he hoped he wasn’t. It was hard to say if they just hadn’t seen anyone else because they weren’t staying in one place for very long or if just that few people had survived once the real fallout began.

The news of a chemical bomb striking Canada in early September had hit overnight and by that morning, Tai was being called to arms for the national crisis. He barely had time to think as he packed up some of the girls’ clothes and toys and dropped them off with his ex-wife. “It’ll be just a few weeks. I’ll be home in time for Christmas.” He had told them just before he drove off to the nearest military airport in central Texas.

Christmas was months ago.

The attack had been without provocation and even if the source was ever determined, his platoon had never been told. At first, his only assignment was to provide immediate relief to surviving victims – but upon arrival, he’d found himself in a warzone. No one knew what to make of it. It was like a nightmare as they were overwhelmed by a force they hadn’t been prepared to fight.

The dead just… coming back to life. The bodies of former comrades rising from the ground, mindless and hungry before they turned on them. If one was lucky, either they killed it or were killed. If one was unlucky and only got bit, then it was days of suffering as the body overran with the volatile sickness that had people running high-grade fevers and coughing up blood. By the time they had figured anything out, so many were already gone – and it only grew worse as information of in-home attacks started coming in. The chemicals had poisoned the air and spread across the states and into Mexico. Hospitals and morgues were overrun within days and, soon, entire towns.

Tai could still hear Summer’s terrified cries as he gave her directions to a military encampment and told her to take the girls and stay there. Gave promises he doubted he could keep that he would come get them. Choked down his own sobs when he told his girls, maybe for the last time, how much he loved them.

He tried to reach Raven as well, but his ex-girlfriend never answered. He left the information on her machine anyways, praying she got it but fearing it was already too late.

After a month, the blackouts started. Reports stopped coming in. Within another week, people started to desert. He followed his own squad as far as the Montana border and that was about when General Ironwood, sounding a little unhinged, started talking plans about storming the Pentagon. For what reason, he never made clear, but that was all Tai needed to hear to know it was time to set out on his own. He tried to invite Winter along, knowing his lieutenant was desperate to head to California where her own family was but, for reasons he couldn’t quite fathom, she declined, leaving him only her blessings.

Getting out of just Montana took weeks; the streets were crowded with abandoned cars and being forced to avoid towns with large populations was making him take detour after detour. It was shortly after the ground was dusting with the season’s thicker snowfall that he found himself in a department store, desperately searching for something, anything, to eat. What greeted him instead was a grand ol’ view of some guy’s pale ass while he slipped on a pair of “free” boxers in the middle of an aisle.

That was how he met Qrow.

They bonded over a pack of Oreos and some Snapple. As it turned out, they were both headed the same way. Qrow had an estranged twin sister he hadn’t seen in years but knew had been living in Wichita Falls. “It’s appropriate, since she’s a witch herself” He had jeered. Apparently, the two had been split up when their parents divorced and they hadn’t kept close contact over the years. When Tai asked why he’d seek her out at all, the other man just shrugged and looked away, his gaze dark. “Nothing else for me here.”

He didn’t ask any more questions after that.

“Gotta say,” Qrow’s voice brought him back to the present. He was eyeing some of the candles that were burning brightly on the kitchen counter. “I know I’m being a bit of jerk about it but, this is actually kind of nice.”

He smiled happily though he couldn’t resist teasing, “That’s only making me worry more that this really is your first date.”

“Of course not. Just, I always had a bit of trouble keeping my relationships long term. My longest was maybe a year and then I just started to purposely distance myself until Oz got fed up and walked.” He scratched the end of his nose, looking both a mixture of amused and sheepish. “According to my old AA coach, aside from all the rampant drinking, I also have a bad habit of sabotaging myself due to my insecurities. Purposely avoiding calls and being late. Picking fights just because. That sort of thing. It was part of my ‘recovery’ to work on it.” He rolled his shoulders some, “But obviously, I still do it.”

“You’re not that bad.” Tai reassured. After a moment, he snorted and added, “Actually, you’re no worse than me really. I tend to rush things. I was jumping into bed with Rae without asking all the important questions. She never wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t find that out until after she was pregnant with Yang.” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, his face flushing with embarrassment. “And with Summer, I somehow was even worse. I proposed after we were only together six months. So when she just told me one morning she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t happy with me, well… that was a hell of a blow. I told myself next time I’d do it right and take things slow.” He looked across the table, waving between them, thinking of the various nights they had lain together. “Instead, I’ve upgraded to pulling off the clothes before the first date.”

“Wow, we’re perfect for each other.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

Qrow chuckled, popping a strip of jerky in his mouth and saying around it, “To be fair, there’s not much opportunity to do anything slow right now.”

“Nor is self-improvement a high priority when you’re constantly running for your life.” He countered. He had to wonder what it said about both of them that, despite knowing those things, they were still making an effort regardless.

“For what it’s worth,” Qrow said as he set his fork down, “If I have to walk through this hell on earth, I-”

He never got to finish before the sound of a siren loudly going off jolted them both to their feet. They stared at one another with wide eyes, before they hurried to peer out the kitchen window. They had holed up in a small, fenced in home that was part of the rural district on the north side of town. They hadn’t bothered to waste energy clearing the streets, so they could see how the straggling dead were lifting their heads and starting to stumble down the street.

Tai turned his head some, listening to the pulsing drones that echoed across the town. “Is that… the tornado siren?”

“How is it even going off?”

He shook his head. “They have back-up power for emergencies. Maybe something malfunctioned?” Or someone was setting it off intentionally, though he couldn’t fathom the reason why if that were the case. “Either way, that’s gonna attract a lot of attention if it keeps up.”

Qrow took a few steps back, frowning. “Then we need to leave, now.” He turned, heading for the den where their stuff was. “Can’t get a damn bit of sleep like this.”

Tai glanced out at the darkness warily, not really liking the idea of traveling at night. But knowing the alternative could be worse if they got caught in an unexpected horde, he blew out the candles and joined the other in gathering their things. They searched the house one last time for any last provisions they could scrounge up and poured the melted wax from the candles before packing them up too. Most of the lumbering dead had made it to the street corner by the time they stepped outside and the jarring noise of the alert and the thickness of the summer’s heat and humidity pressed down on them.

Tai pulled open the gate while Qrow started the car, the roar of the engine gearing up being lost to the siren’s call. He hopped into the passenger seat, saying, “Looks like they’re heading towards the center of town.”

“Then we know where we’re not going.” He backed the car up, heading up the street. “Alright navigator, which way should we go?”

“Go left. We should avoid the main street.” Tai said, turning on the overhead light and unfolding their map. He ran his finger down the blue trail lines. Even though the 44 was a straight shot into Wichita, they definitely wanted to avoid going through Lawton. “If we keep going down this way, eventually we’ll hit a road that crosses into the 17. We can follow it up to Sterling and stay there for the night. It’s mostly just countryside from here to there. Should only take an hour or so.”

The other nodded, leaning back some as he drove with one hand. Tai could have believed he was entirely relaxed, if not for the white-knuckled grip he had on the wheel. “Sounds good to me.”

He clicked the light back off and settled back as well. With no street lamps and the moon barely a crescent, there wasn’t much to see. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; without all the light pollution, the sky was littered with more stars then he’d ever seen in his entire life. Clusters upon clusters of them that shaded the sky in a dark sapphire blue and the barest hint of violet nebula clouds that he’d taken to admiring during times when they were holed up and safe. Sometimes Qrow would join him and they’d huddle under a shared blanket as they tried to pretend they knew anything about constellations.

“They’re not all dragons Tai.”

“Oh fine.” He moved his finger in a few wide arcs.

“What are you making?”

“A crow. The dragon needs a meal after all.”

“I can’t decide if you’re trying to scare me or seduce me.”

After a few minutes, they were already out of the small town and into nothing but miles of dark fields on either side. Qrow was keeping their speed tempered so they could avoid any potential hazards. Still, Tai tried to stay alert, knowing they could come upon something at a moment’s notice whether it be an abandoned vehicle or a shambling body. It was why he didn’t miss something shifting in the dark and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“I see it.” Qrow murmured softly, the headlights illuminating the form of a deteriorating body that was reaching out for them before he swerved carefully around it.

A few feet later, there was a small group of about three that they also drove around. When they hit another cluster, this one a little bigger, Tai felt tension coiling within him, gripping his own knee tightly. “Qrow…”

His partner shifted forward, gripping onto the wheel with both hands now, “Maybe we – fuck!” The tires screeched as he slammed on the brakes.

Tai caught himself on the dashboard as momentum jerked him forward, heart stuttering to a stop at the sight of the massive horde now illuminated in their headlights. They came lurching towards the car, the sound of their snarls loud over the hum of the engine, a few hands banging onto the hood.

Beside him, Qrow cursed again as he fumbled for the gear shift, throwing them into reverse. “HOLD ON!” Tires screeched as he hit the gas pedal hard and they shot backwards, only for them to slam into the bodies that had been behind them. The whole car shook hard enough toss them in their seats and rattle their bones.

And then the back of the car pitched upwards like it was on a hill and stopped.

Qrow’s breathing was coming out in rapid pants, slamming his foot on the gas again and again as the mass of dead came closer. The tires were spinning but the car wasn’t moving. He gave a yell of frustration, tearing off his seatbelt and reaching over the backseat for his weapon. “Get our stuff, I’ll cover you!”

Tai didn’t argue, throwing open his door. It smashed into a few of the bodies that had started to come close and he dove out of the car, pulling open the back seat, tossing the duffel bag and backpack over his shoulders. While he was, Qrow slid across the hood of the car, landing on his side and swinging his gardening scythe in a fierce arc, looking much like the grim reaper himself as he lobbed off a few heads.

Tai unsheathed his own machete knife, slamming it up the underside of someone’s jaw, a harsh kick dislodging her and throwing her down. “Come on!”

The other threw a few more wild swings before turning and sprinting back down the road with him, his long legs making it effortless in catching up, angling his weapon astride himself. Their feet pounded together on the asphalt, a discordant harmony to the growls and snarls following behind them. “Now what?!”

“We run back to town!” Tai replied, reaching behind him to grope for the mesh pocket on the side of the backpack. They had only been driving a little while. They couldn’t be more than a few miles from town – but even if they got back, then what? Unless the horde moved on, they’d be trapped. His hand caught around the flashlight and he yanked it out in front of him, the beam of light bouncing along the road as he tried to guide their way, only to reveal a slowly growing crowd stumbling up on the street from the west side. “Shit! This way!”

They ran a diagonal path into the fields, the tall weeds swallowing their shins. The taller pushed back his bangs, throwing a look over his shoulder. “Why are there so many?!”

He yelled back between gasps for air, sweat already slicking his skin from the heat. “They must be coming off the freeway! They’re probably following the others because of the siren!” And now they were following them, pushing them away from the road and from the town. Without having slept or eaten well lately, Tai knew they were going to run out of energy very quickly. If they didn’t think of something soon, they were going to die.

Qrow slowed his pace some, squinting at a dark, imposing shape they were quickly approaching. “I think something’s ahead of us!”

He held the flashlight forward, exposing circles of white that didn’t make sense at first until they started to get closer. It was a brick wall that was about nine feet tall and, as he waved it down both sides, found it was covering a few acres worth of land. They’d never be able to run along it without being intercepted.

His grit his teeth as he realized their only choice was to go over.

As he put away the flashlight and his knife, Tai looked to the man beside him, the worried look on Qrow’s face clearly telling him he was coming to the same conclusion. “Can you make that jump?”

“Yeah, I got it!”

As they came to the wall, Tai ran ahead, finding purchase against the brick, lunging upwards. His right hand caught along the back of the fence, using the leverage to pull himself up. As he did, a scythe flew by, Qrow having pitched it over like it was a javelin. He looked over, seeing the other man distancing himself a few paces before rushing forward and taking a leap.

The tips of his fingers grasped onto the edge before he was falling back to the ground. The man cursed, stumbling backwards and shaking out his hands before trying again. His second attempt fell even shorter. Qrow looked up at him, panicked, while the growls behind him grew ever closer. “Uh, Tai?!”

Tai glanced to the other side of the wall, seeing nothing in the enclosure except some large tanks – a propane facility, possibly – and yanked off the bags, throwing them over the side. He swung around, jumping back down. “I’m gonna vault you over, alright?” He clasped his hands together into a make-shift stirrup. “Put your foot here and put the other on the wall. You jump and I’ll push you upwards. Got it?”

“Yeah!” He replied, placing his foot in his hand as told.

He counted down, “One, two, three, JUMP!” Suddenly, all of Qrow’s weight was on him as he hopped up. Tai’s arms shook with the strain, lifting the other’s leg high when he was able to grab the edge again, the extra height giving him the boost he needed to scrabble on top. Once he was sure the other was secure, he took a few steps back as he readied himself again.

Just as he was about to run forward, a hand grasped onto the back of his shirt and a hiss echoed in his ears.

“TAI!”

Acting on instinct, he threw his arm back, his elbow driving home into the nose of his captor, throwing him and his gnashing teeth miles from his shoulder. He pivoted on his toes as he drew his machete again, hurling it into the skull of another, but when it didn’t slice through like he wanted, he just used the leverage to push the stumbling dead into the crowd behind him, making quite a few fall down like they were dominos. More continued to stagger over them.

Qrow had stood, running lengthwise along the wall as he pulled out his pistol and took shots. “HEY! HEEEY OVER HERE!” The noise he was making was drawing most of them his way.

Taking the opportunity, Tai dashed forward and scurried up the wall a second time, finding it much harder this time when his whole body shook with effort. He straddled the wall, the adrenalin that had kept him going waning fast. His heart was hammering hard, lungs and eyes burning, muscles trembling with strain and clothes stuck to sweat-soaked skin. He waved when his partner called in concern, wordlessly pointing to the other side, and they both hopped down to the other side. Tai fell back against the wall, hand against his chest as he caught his breath.

Qrow hurried across the grass, fishing again for the flashlight before he turned it on, giving several long, slow sweeps of the area. Other than the tanks he had seen before, there was a single, long, metal warehouse at the far end of the facility. But nothing else. For now, they were safe.

He pulled off from the wall, walking over. “We did it Qr-!”

The flashlight hit the ground, the beam of light dancing as it rolled away, and Qrow whirled on him, dragging him forward into a bruising kiss. After a moment, Tai tore off his bloody gloves, tangling his clean hands into the other man’s hair, kissing back with equal fervor. He hummed pleasurably as their tongues tangled together, the other’s hands slipping up his chest and around his neck.

When they pulled apart, the other whispered breathlessly against his lips. “I’m glad it’s with you.”

“What?” Tai gasped back.

Qrow pulled back slightly, his gaze intense as he said heatedly. “If I had to walk through this hell on earth, I’m glad it’s with you.”

Tai stared back at him, his heart thudding again for an entirely different reason as he replied, “Yeah. Me too.” And then he lent forward, capturing his lips in another kiss.

~ A/N: Not written – the moment when these two discover that Qrow’s twin sister and Tai’s former girlfriend is the same person.

Also, a dad’s happy reunion with his two precious daughters because for god’s sake I’mnotamonster.

#taiyang xiao long #qrow branwen #taiyang #qrow #Taiqrow #taiqrowweek #rwby #fanfiction #Chase Firekitten's Tale

[xottzot]

2017-11(NOV)-17th-afternoon (continued) -- and a long message to all, dear Fliss, and to dear Cath. (and later added to)

(This message has been edited and added onto and expanded by me on Saturday.)

2017-11(NOV)-17th-afternoon (continued) -- and a long message to all, dear Fliss, and to dear Cath.

There was one thing I forgot to mention in my last post......

There was two males, young men, aboriginals, (one very dark skinned),and they were walking along the footpaths carrying a bottle of strong alcohol each unopened that they had just obtained from the liqour store at the Koongamia shops.

They walked on the footpaths and when they got to the aboriginal criminal husehold (Fatguts ol' place that's been well-known by Police and everyone as a drug dealer place), one of them broke away whilst the other slowed right down and waited for him on the footpath a short distance away.

Classic drug buying behaviour that went on at this hellhole for over a decade, and Fliss certainly knows about that going on too because she witnessed it countless times.

He was only in there for 30 seconds or so, (again classic drug buying behaviour), and then he exited and rejoied the other dark skinned man, and the two of them walked off, crossed Clayton Street, and went onto Koongamia School property on the oval.

What became of them I have no idea. If they traversed the oval and went to other criminal places or whatever.

It matters not that the school was in session. None of these criminals ever cares or has ever cared about that, and least of all cares abut any of the child pupils.

Anyway, that was something that was witnessed at this hellhole. Somewhat minor but should not be forgotten.

---------------------------------

Fliss (Felicity Ann Carthew), was before I met physically her in a very terrible state, crying, sobbing, and was going to lose her job, AND be thrown out of her rented flat. She was extremely distressed and in 1999 & 2000 we had been talking over the phone and internet for quite some period of months before all this. We had fallen in love and we had gotten to know each others minds. Despite myself having no money whatsoever, I borrowed some money for my travel (which put me in debt) and I travelled right across the country of Australia which took many days by bus and gave me severe agony due to my medical back conditions and so on, which dear Fliss knew about since I had told her long ago and she accepted all that. - I went there to rescue her. I used ALL my money in the bank and thereafter to pay for any and all of dear Fliss's needs, bills and expenses including food. And we spent many several weeks together and I helped her intensely to deal with all her problems in life, even to getting her not drink alcohol anymore which she was very heavily drinking and had MANY bottles of empty bottles in her flat as 'trophies' and as an act of bravado to her friends in Queensland there. (it was strong alcohol) -- I'm stating all this in case people are too lazy to read through all my blog posts in my assorted blogs to know how much dear Fliss means so much to me and I to her but which her illnesses and medical ailments made life very difficult for us and which she got no real help from anyone about. All THAT I have been blamed for! -- It's all deeply upsetting to me to write all this message. -- I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you.

Dear Fliss herself decided to come and live with me in Western Australia, as she said to me, 'to escape my demons and all those people who claim to be my friends (but are not) and to escape from my parents'.

So dear Fliss and I went back to Western Australia and lived together for over 10 years. Having great times together, happy times, and anything I could do to make her life more bearable. But her ailments and conditions grew worse and worse. And she kept more and more from me and everyone else. She fell apart, lost every job she had, had a breakdown, and fled to her parents in Tamowrth, New South Wales, Australia. -- But dear Fliss and I still communicated! She admitted she had been so teribly bad but was getting better and would soon be back with me here in Western Australia. (that took months) But it made my heart and soul sing, and I told her that. But when she did come back she quickly returned to bad things and making terrible decisions and treating people VERY badly. And she stole money from me, and money that was ours, even money for food and for paying bills, and she kept it all quiet and hidden, using her credit cards to keep me from ever knowing about anything and covering it all up. (I STILL HAVE THOSE CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS OF HERS AS PROOF.)

And she was secretly in contact with her parents (at least her domineering mother) on the internet, and making plans to leave me here in this hellhole. Plans based on lies she created and which were encouraged and spread about by her parents.

Fliss had asked of me to see a 'counsellor' to 'see about my temper with her'. That was utterly ridiculous, some crazy stuff created to make me look bad in other peoples eyes. It was Fliss who was acting more and more crazy, taking more and more pills and potions, and was becoming more and more unhinged, manic, and literally becoming more crazy.

We often talked about it in private, and she admitted she was 'getting worse', and she quietly (literally whispered to me), "I'm not getting any better. I'm going to go crazy (insane) and die. I don't want to drag you down with me."

And of course I NEVER told anyone any of that at the time to protect dear Fliss. She insisted that.

Her visits to her own counsellor was getting to the point where she was going every week for months. And I was forbidden by her to go with her. But on two ocassions I insisted. But on the second time, I was made to feel terribly SO UNWELCOME by the counsellor and dear Fliss, that I vowed never to go with her ever again if I was treated like that. (I had been made to sit silent for an hour in a chair and listen to Fliss 'play' the councellor woman, and keep her so distracted from asking questions.) - Fliss later admitted this all to me that it was a 'normal' plan of hers to always never answer questions other than anything she herself had previously decided upon. (all that stemmed from her time LONG BEOFORE I had ever met dear Fliss and her terribly emotional treatments by the Australian Army and psychiatrists after she had been viciously physically asaulted by thugs on a train (and hospitalised?)). - I had taken a hand-written list of matters that I wanted the councellor to address and talk about with dear Fliss. Matters of great importance that anyone would ask and be glad to be answered. But the councellor/psychiatrist completely ignmored all my questions and just chatted to Fliss about TV shows and other inane rubbish. It was utterly bizarre, like a social chit-chat meeting bewteen the councellor/psychiatrist and dear Fliss to catch up on what had been happening with TV shows Fliss herself had been watching!

That afterwards lead to an argument between Fliss and myself and I had angrily said to her, "Why did you do all that!? - She's (the councellor/psychiatrist) is there to help YOU. All you did was have the two of you talk about stupid TV shows!" - And Fliss quietly replied to me, "You noticed that did you?", and Fliss laughed. She actually thought it was all a big joke. All she was doing was getting 'help' but ONLY on Fliss's own internal terms because as Fliss admitted to me, "I don't like anyone getting it my head." - THAT was because of all her terrible experiences of Army psychiatrist's or ones that were working for them when seeing Fliss (which had occured years and LONG before I ever met dear Fliss). - NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT ALL THAT.

Dear Cath of course had NEVER EVER known ANY of all this. And Cath was supposed to be one of if not the MOST DEAREST and closest friend that dear Fliss had in life. And yet, dear Cath knew only what Fliss wanted her to know about Fliss herself and nothing else was to be talked about. (Cath was severely shocked when I revealed all this to Cath.)

Fliss had a breakdown. And she fled to New South Wales, Australia, and therafter to Queensland and spent time with dear Cath. We were all in internet communications with each other. And I was given hope and reasurances all the time. And I accepted it all. -- And Fliss eventually returned to me here in Western Australia and I cried when we hugged we finally met each other. But Fliss was very strange and she refused to be emotional in any way. She actually said to me sometime later, "I refuse to cry." (even in joy?)

An afterwards Fliss settled down into all her routines and I was lead to believe by her that she had 'gotten better'. But what was actually happening was that Fliss was actually getting WORSE AND WORSE. She was also being harangued by Social Security. And her physical conditions became worse. And her financial situations became worse and VERY worse. Whenever I tried in any way to help her, she exploited it and stole money and kept it for herself to pay for secret medical apointments and doctors visits and medical pills and masses of them, and amongst all that she was stealing money from me to pay for all the normal domestic things I thought she was taking care of for us both. And when I say MY money, I do mean MY money that we used for us both. Fliss was almost destitute by now and was increasingly being threatened with DEMAND letters for things to be paid, chemists bills, doctors bills and so on. All this was building up like a volcano that was about to erupt, and it was all apparently was secretly being planned for by dear Fliss in advance or at least that is what I have been lead to believe judging from all the events and credit card paperwork bills of Fliss's I was able to obtain as proof. Even the records of the councellor/psychiatrist was forbidden for me to have access to. And indeed even the councellor/psychiatrist herself had retired and left the councellor/psychiatrist business that Fliss had frequented for so long in Midland. -- ALL THIS was planned for by dear Fliss as a means to cover up all evidence of herself. Had she been tutored on how to do all this? I have no idea. But I don't know what to believe now. I wish I was dead.

When late in 2015 dear Fliss one very late night went beserk, unhinged, deluded and violentally deranged attacking me, she then took off in darkness and abandoned me and walked kilometres to the Midland Police stating she had been attacked for 'no reason' by me. - Later they came and took me for a formal interview which was recorded, and I made them listen to SO MUCH because by saying only snippets would lead anyone to blindly and wrongly accept utter garbage and NOT truth. - Afterwards, they said that Fliss and I together should see a counsellor. And I exclaimed, "THAT'S the VERY thing I've been wanting and Fliss knows that!"

Fliss later returned to this house accompanied by Police and mysterious women 'helpers', who went inside this hovel of a house without my supervision AT ALL and ransacked it whilst I was forced to sit outside, as if I would go beserk or something. (can you see how Fliss's deranged hypotheses had been blindly accepted?) - And Fliss was quickly whisked away with black garbage bags full of stuff. Stuff that was also MINE and cannot be replaced. - I let Fliss leave because she was acting calm (very strangely calm and in control) and I assumed we would soon be back together once she had had treatment for her mental and medical conditions.

THAT NEVER HAPPEND.

But we were talking via mobile phone to each other, and she was in Western Australia in a hostel (full of thieves she told me), and was soon to catch a plane and go to New South Wales to be with her parents. She assured me she would get better and we could be back together again. And later in email she invited me to join her. But then ALL email and contact with dear Fliss suddenly stopped, her mobile phone was taken away for her and given to be in control of somebody else (a thug who later ordered me to commit suicide) and that thug professed to be in constant contact wih dear Fliss and was following what she wanted and for me to cease any any and all contact and attempts to contact with dear Fliss forever. -- ALL THAT lead to me having a breakdown though I have never had one in my life. It has severely destroyed me. And what of Fliss I have no idea despite Fliss herself insisting to me that we would ALWAYS stay in contact NO MATTER WHAT. She went out of her way to tell me that at the time.

And from dear Fliss there has been NOTHING. Not a whisper. Not a greeting card. Not a written letter. Not an email. And all her internet web existance has been cleaned away and erased.

There has been minor tiny hints and fragments on the intenet that dear Fliss is perhaps still alive but I truly have no idea at all. I do not know what state of being she is in. I do not know where she is living. (in Tamworth, New South Wales) or what she is doing or being 'trialled' doing.

A massive anount of Fliss's personal belongings and cherished things are still here. They are not worth anything monetarily, but to dear Fliss they mean a great deal. I WILL NOT SEND THEM TO ANYONE because NOBODY absolutely NOBODY has goven me ANY ASSURANCES whatsoever about ANYTHING. Least of all any contact to me from Fliss's parents in N.S.W., or dear Cath in QLD. - Absolutely NOTHING. - I may as well be dead.

All this to a person I love and have always loved so utterly and dearly when all others cast her aside and threw her to the wolves. And my life has become utter shit here in this hellhole. It is worse than any prison sentence. It is HELL.

----------------------------------------------

Poor Max is still VERY under the influence of being overdosed with sedatives which I was forced to give him to stop him continuing to be so vicious and attacking me the other day. It's only a temporary stop-gap measure and it's harmful to him. But his life is ebbing away as is mine. So is Sam's.

Poor Sam is VERY upset and has been crying and whining and having nightmares in his sleep A LOT. A lot of that, the majority of constant despair for both dogs dear Sam and dear Max is because dear Fliss has abandoned us here in hell and has not contacted me for what is two years now.

(note: dear Sam is whining and crying VERY loudly in his sleep behind me as I type this.)

Fliss could very well be DEAD for all I know. Or suffering incredibly andor bottled away somewhere and kept from the world as some sort of bizarre 'intervention' method of controlling her by her family in Tamorth, New South Wales, Australia.

I don't know what to think. I really don't. I'm purely guessing. That's all I have. No hope. No promises. no nothing.

If I had any money to travel to go to dear Fliss I surely would to be with her. But I have no ready money. And in any case there is NO destination for me to go to. No contact. No information. Only threats if I try. Or complete ignoring of me. The one person who loved and protected dear Fliss for well over 10 years together.

I do NOT trust ANYONE anymore. Not ANYONE. Nor will I ever trust anyone evermore. All my honest trust has been destroyed and thrown back into my face and had me ridiculed and theatened and demeaned and accused by those who do not even know me at all or have ever known me.

Others like dear Cath of Quuensland has abandoned all contact with me. And that truly has hurt me a great deal because I have great respect for dear Cath and her family in Queensland which Fliss and I stayed at several times both together and seperately and which dear Cath helped dear Fliss and I to get back together after Fliss's first terrible medical/mental episode. - Yet when dear Fliss suffered the same things AGAIN, dear Cath just abandoned me and has never allowed me to contact her ever again nor has she ever contacted me. Cath blamed me! Cath, I was never to blame for anything!

Dear Cath I believe at that time was also having her own medical & mental issues, and is still bravely dealing with all that. But she has cast me aside as if I am nothing and mean nothing and that I'm guilty for so much utter lies against me. There was been a great pile of bullshit thrown at me of the 'battered wife' kind that is absolute lies, and that seems to have been orchestrated to keep me away from dear Fliss and to never have any contact even email.

Cath leaps to supporting any cause she finds favour with, even momentary things, and gets involved with thigs too much sometimes. Perhaps she does that to divert herself from things she has to deal with, just as dear Fliss was oten doing. - And Cath too has long abandoned me since late 2015. So much for dear Cath and all her supporting for everyone she finds favour in doing so with. But I should not and do not blame you dear Cath. You have been struggling too with you own personal problems.

I'm stating all this down here for a record to the uncaring world and everything.

Fuck being alive.

Distracting myself from my own abject all-encompassing total misery of not being with dear Fliss by documenting the shit all around me at this hellhole is a poor substitute for the person I once was before dear Fliss left here and went to Tamworth in 2015. After which dear Fliss promised us that Fliss and I would be together and have a new life together there.

Please God let me die right now at this very moment), it is forever at me and has destroyed me so utterly and which there is no future without being with dear Fliss.

The world is going to shit. - This entire area here at this hellhole has gone to shit. There is nothing but hell ever worsening.

Poor dear Sam and dear Max are suffering greatly too. Fliss doesn't seem to care at all. - I have had not one iota of contact from her since late 2015. Fliss deeply loved Sam & Max and I. - Dear Fliss KNEW we and her were all under terrible lifes pressures, including monetary. But I was ALWAYS going above and beyond everything to make Fliss's life happy but we struggled so hard but alwasy had shit shoved upon us, especially upon dear Fliss as we scrimped and saved and did everthing ourselves to a great degree, and still suffered because if it all.

In one of Fliss's last private email messages to me, she said, "Rememeber the 12 month rule." - I replied that I had NO IDEA what she was talking about, and I still have no idea over 2 years later. At the time I thought to myself it was a message from Fliss of hope. But her messages then had been getting worse and worse and erractic and drunken, and showed me that she was terribly under the influence of drugs andor alcohol and stresses, the very things which had destroyed her here in Western Australia as she tried by herself forever in seceret to manage her escalating and growing mental and physical maladies and conditions and pain.

Our friend dear Cath of Queensland has her own problems. I expect that Cath mistakenly believes I caused dear Fliss all her problems, but that has NEVER EVER been the case Cath! YOU KNOW THAT.

I have NOBODY in my life except dear Fliss. And life is not at all worth living without being with dear Fliss. The one I love and took care of for so very long when NOBODY cared about her, and everyone ridiculed her, and everyone exploited her in any way they could. And everyone took advantage of Fliss's great honest emotional heart and her support and wants and needs to help others.

There is nobody like dear Fliss who has suffered a LOT of terrible tragedy to herself long before I ever met her but which she forever kept secret for me only telling me tiny snippets of her ordeals. - And I HAVE BEEN EVEN BEEN BLAMED because I do not know about any of her past ordeals! - How could I ever know? There was and continues to be no possible way for anyone to know other than her parents because dear Fliss covertly knew that situation and of Fliss's extreme covert secrecy, and Fliss exploited it. And I got the blame for all that too and have suffered because of it all!

So I will try soon to go to bed to sleep. Sleeps which I pray I never ever awake from ever again. And yet because I am in HELL and this is hell, I always wake up and I find I am alive. - I have been getting VERY few hours of terribly broken sleep each and every sleep period, and whatever I get is full of nightmares. That is the horror and sentence given me unto me until I am dead. It has been that way since late 2015 when dear Fliss left. - Whenever I have ever told anyone about that (VERY few), they refuse to believe me and think I am lying.

No proper sleep and no proper rest.

It is also what hell has been given unto dear Sam and dear Max.

Hugs to dear Cath who may or may not read entries I ever write in this blog of misery. I miss you. - If ever I vanish from existance forever, please know that I thought kindly of you, despite you casting me to the wolves and depair and hell. - I still would like to communicate with you however dear Cath.

I love you dear Fliss and have never ever stopped loving you and so very much want to be with you just as you promised yourself and myself.

P.S. Fliss, one of the last two chickens (of 5) of yours and mine looks to be on its way to be dying. If so, that will leave the one you found and brought home as a 'rescued chicken' when you were living here. It will be alone and it will suffer in loneliness and die. Just as I am. Just as poor Sam & poor Max are without you with us.

To the rest of the world....fuck you! -- And to everyone in the world, my advice from experience is never to love anything or anyone because NOBODY and NOTHING actually really cares about YOU. And NOTHING GETS BETTER. No wonder there is so many drug addicts about this hellhole area and suicides. - There is nothing but the nothing. I embrace the nothing and hope it takes me and my miserable shitty life. - Please dear God let it be so.

I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU just as you promised. Are you still a person who keeps a promise,.....or......have you dear Fliss finally become all the terrible things that you forever have despised and which I protected you so much from and which you loved me for protecting you from your 'inner demons' as you always put it to me?

I was going through our things yesterday in the damned HEAT, and I came across all YOUR cherished personal items Fliss including your beloved Australian Army dog tags which yu always kept as your own memories of happier times in the Army. (not the bad memories of you being in the Army, such as the cockroaches in your bed). -- I have NOT sent them to you. - You are in an unknown place and I have had no contact with you and I certainly don't trust anyone to pass them on to you. If they were lost forever, I am sure I would get the blame no matter how innocent I am.

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with YOU just as you promised.