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usedtobeguest123 · 2 years

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Encantober - Transformation

Hello, can I talk your ear off about the music in Encanto, specifically Bruno's instrumental themes????? What if I promise to give you some unsolicited character writing tips on the side....😁

So was on the struggle bus with my current WIP that focuses on Bruno, and wanted to reconnect with the characters in order to better ground my depictions of them. Rather than watch the movie (again), I decided to listen to the instrumental versions of Lin-Manuel's songs as well as Germaine Franco's amazing score, and wrote a little way longer than planned analysis to condense my thoughts.

I'm nerding out a bit about it all (okay, I'm nerding out a lot…), so I wanted to post it for my fellow Encanto lovers to nerd out with me. Today's Encantober theme is transformation, so thought it was a fitting day to post it :)

A rough musical analysis by a very non-musical music lover below the cut 😊

1) Songs: WDTAB/All of You

To recognize Bruno's main instrumental theme, it helps to start with the instrumental version of All of You. It's easy to pick out here, as it plays in the part where he is singing (and in one other place…more on that later). Listen in at 1:08. This is when Camilo would be singing "So, we're gonna talk about Bruno?"---and leads right into when Bruno sings for himself. His theme is a sort of boom dih dih dih boom dih dih dih boom dih…dih…dih (yes, those are the technical terms), a strong base hit interspersed with plucky-piano.

What I love about this theme is how it mimics the movements of the character, and defines how he interacts with and perceives his environment.

Bruno often moves with big jerky movements sandwiched by small fidgets—hesitation, explosion, hesitation/doubt, explosion, very rat like. When a rat moves, it evaluates the environment, moves, pauses and sniffs some more, moves again. The tip-toe of the piano gives the feel of creeping or gingerly stepping, while the boom recreates the jerk into action, the push to make a big move, framed by caution.

This says a lot about Bruno's perception of the world. He's grown to be wary of his environment, like a rat sensing out danger. If he's gonna move, better make it quick (maybe before he talks himself out of it!), and then pause again to re-evaluate if it's safe to keep going. He avoids detection, tip-toes, sneaks from cover to cover—you can almost see him moving when you listen, shoulders hunched, hood drawn. Bruno is wary of being seen, as being seen has meant danger to him in one way or another. Many fans have interpreted what this danger looked like in many different ways (from social ostracization to actual physical danger), but at the very least we can identify a high level of learned social anxiety that forces him to proceed with caution and keep a low profile when interacting with others (more on that later). Bruno has learned to tread carefully because of how others have perceived him, through the lens of his gift.

Of course, once he's in the walls, fear of being seen takes on a whole new meaning. Discovery at that point would mean the consequences of discovery of the vision as well, and discovery of his shame—he never left/couldn't leave, and has been reduced to a rat in the walls of his own home.

When Camilo is singing, we hear a different feature associated with Bruno—the whine of a synth keyboard (I think?). It gives me major theremin vibes, and the song draws on that classic horror sound to drive home a "villain," seven-foot-frame image of Bruno, as portrayed by Camilo—-and, more importantly, as seen by the townspeople.

Let's backup to WDTAB. If you listen to that instrumental version, you can hear that the synth sound picks up right away (on the line "Bruno walks in with a mischievous grin," no less!). It comes in and out, and even picks up a more complex melodic pattern here. It's the townspeople's fear—but it's not a horrific dread sound; it's actually a bit playful. Now, part of this is because it's a Disney bop, but I like to think that this also points to the nature of rumors—we get enjoyment from spreading them, and the Encanto-folk are clearly eager to dish. Listen to how creepy this guy was! Ooooo doesn't it give you the shivers?! It's like a fun ghost story around the campfire. This juicy piece of gossip is a favorite to share.

BUT Bruno's actual theme—the one we hear when he actually speaks in All of You—doesn't appear until 1:33 of WDTAB. It's when the townspeople are sharing their grievances that we really hear his tip-toe, like he's tip-toeing through the minefield of their complaints. Now we can see the shapes he's learned to step around—you can almost see him weaving through their disgruntled narratives in the song. The music shows that here is where that learned social anxiety was formed.

Note that the theremin synth drops away when Isabela and Dolores sing their parts in WDTAB. When Isa sings hers, the plucked rhythm of the strings mirrors Bruno's plucked string style in his theme, though the melody changes. I think this speaks again to careful footing—they both share anxiety at being found out, being truly seen, and live life having to tiptoe their way through social interactions. Where as Bruno's plucked strings are jerky, Isa's are more graceful. When Dolores picks up, the plucked strings are replaced with a symphonic strings in a very romantic princess-esk style of longing.

To tie things up, let's pull forward again to All of You. In this song, notice the theremin-synth sound also drops away as soon as Bruno speaks, and we don't hear it again. We are left with the real Bruno—meek, anxious, and full of nervous energy, the antithesis of scary. The theremin really only appears in Camilo's part, highlighting again the one character in the song who was really only there for the novelty of the rumor and the story telling opportunity, and had no memory of the real guy. THAT'S Bruno???

In the end of Bruno's part in All of You, the melody overtakes his theme, symbolizing his unconditional acceptance by his mother and sisters and his reintegration into the family.

Also, let's not forget the nod to Let It Go! It's perhaps just an easter egg, but character-wise, I like to think it's also testament to his use of quirky meta-humor to deflect and avoid uncomfortable vulnerability. Does everyone in the room always get his jokes? Nope! But he can still disappear in the confusion!

Character Takeaways, for writing reference:

When uncomfortable, Bruno often moves and speaks in quick, nervous bursts, interspersed with small fidgety movements.

Nervous energy reigns supreme. Bruno hides behind quirky, lighthearted, sometimes meta humor as a way to deflect and avoid being seen/made vulnerable.

Bruno has learned to literally and figuratively tiptoe around the townspeople, and eventually, around his own family. Post-movie/All of You Bruno is unlearning/releasing this social anxiety around his family through the experience of (unexpected) unconditional acceptance

Isabela shares a similar underlying social anxiety to Bruno, though it manifests differently. They both have experienced having to tread carefully around other's expectations

Camilo is full of it. 😆 He feeds off of the environment to parody it, finding his drive in giving the people what they want to see—much like his gift. This can be a boon and a detriment to his character.

Knowing/hearing the real Bruno dispels the rumors that evolved in his absence

2) Instrumentals: The Rat's Lair, Tío Bruno, and It Was Me

I'm sure there is a lot more to say about these three pieces, but my main takeaway comes from the contrast between plucked strings/knocking percussion and wind instruments/bowed strings in Bruno's pieces, and how they reveal his layered character and his developmental arch.

In The Rat's Lair, we get Mirabel's (and our) first real impression of Bruno. Whereas the chase scene leading up to this piece is full of cacophonous, screechy strings (Chasing the Past), this piece has replaced those fearful sounds with plucked strings. We again get that image of tiptoeing, and it's playful. His room is full of mischievous rats, he's nervous and jumpy, and Mirabel is just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. We get a nice contrast between the expected Bruno (scary) and the real Bruno (quirky, but sweet and harmless). Also present are a bunch of percussive knocks, a nod to his superstitious/compulsive knocking.

Contrast this with Tío Bruno. This piece plays when Mirabel first peeks through the crack to the dining room, finally getting a look at the real tragedy of Bruno's situation. Tío Bruno has the main Encanto theme throughout (we also hear it when the Encanto is being created at the beginning of the movie). It's a nod to the miracle, but it's mournful here, with parts in a minor key. The miracle has had tragic consequences for Bruno. Tío Bruno is full of woodwind instruments and bowed strings (as opposed to plucked). Rather than nervous tiptoeing, we get raw emotion, frequently underlined by a sustained guitar tremolo (??) that speaks to the familial tension driving it all. Tío Bruno plays when Mirabel gets past all the nervous deflection and connects with Bruno in a meaningful and vulnerable way. Under it all, Bruno is deeply sad, carrying the dismay of a miraculous gift gone awry and the tragic consequences of his last vision.

Finally, we have It Was Me, which acts as a redemptive contrast to Tío Bruno. In this piece, the plucked strings return (he's nervous, confused by Abuela's unexpected embrace). It then transforms into a grand symphony as Mirabel, Abuela, and Bruno take off on the horse toward the ruined Casita, and then a chorus singing the Encanto theme when Julieta is reunited with Mirabel. It ends with the All of You theme. All of this follows the action of the scenes from Mirabel's perspective, BUT if we look at this from a Bruno perspective, apart from the scenes' action, we get a redemptive arc.

It Was Me carries Bruno's nervous plucked strings (tiptoe, anxiety) to disappear in the Encanto theme chorus (miracle, hope). He is reunited with the Miracle (his family, the true gift) and the sadness of the Tío Bruno theme is changed into the hopeful chorus that the Miracle once was (major key?) as heard in the beginning of the film. From there, the song moves into the to the All of You theme as Bruno is finally on his way to being seen and unconditionally accepted, a true healing moment.

Character Takeaways, for writing reference:

Bruno hides behind humor to deflect away from those vulnerable places within him. Maybe it's painful, maybe it's an attempt to keep the burden from those he loves (a cool analysis on that here!), maybe he's afraid of being rejected for being weak. Regardless, he has a deep sadness hidden underneath the nervous, quirky exterior, and Mirabel is the one to break through to it

When Bruno's defenses are down, the music slows down, and so does the movements of his character. It's like the weight of it all catches up to him, and he drops his attempts to be upbeat and lighthearted. He eventually picks the jumpy style of movement back up again in the film, when Mirabel begins to feel the weight of the situation (OR NOT! It's a mystery, it's a mystery…). In sum, when he is nervous (most of the time), he is deflecting, humorous, playful on the outside, with a deeper sadness carried within.

3) WAIT WAIT MY FAVORITE PART as a FINAL note I swear:

Bruno's theme reappears in a strange place at the end of the movie, in All of You. At 2:56, he's no longer speaking; in fact, he's not even in the scene! What's happening in the song? It's none other than the moment that Dolores opens up to Mariano (I can take it from here, GOODBYE). Bruno's theme underlies Dolores' entire speech to Mariano, but then the theme transforms at the end, rising up and bleeding into the All of You melody.

Why bring him in here? I think it's a moment of redemption. Bruno's 'bad' prophecy for Dolores is cast in a new light. The time pining after the "man of her dreams, betrothed to another," has built up in her this momentum, manifested as courage to speak out and demand what she wants (Wake up and NOTICE me!). At the moment that Mariano verbalizes that he sees her, Bruno's theme transforms into the All of You theme. Dolores is seen, all of her, and the moment arises from the backdrop of her Tío's prophecy. Perhaps this symbolizes a freedom from the confines of the prophecy, but maybe...if not for the years of not having the love she longed for, would she have had the courage to seize the moment when it came? Bruno's prophecy comes true in a way they'd never imagined, and with that comes hope—the promise of transformation.

End of essay 😁

People more musically inclined, please feel free to add to this! Also, please excuse any misuse of musical terms, my musical vocab is wanting. I am a non-musician in a very musical family, so when it comes to music, I often feel like I've missed something important… 😆

#my family is sick of hearing about it #so now you get to!#Encantober #transformation #music analysis #encanto music analysis #it really is an essay #oops #oh well #bruno madrigal #isabela madrigal #dolores madrigal #mirabel madrigal #camilo madrigal

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wangxianficfinder · 2 years

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Fic Finder

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1. I’m looking for a fic that takes place post canon, and its Xicheng. From what I remember LXC is doing horrible in seclusion and JC secretly hides his bell when he visits one day. They become friends while LXC is still in seclusion and one day, after LXC precious gift from his parents break, JC goes missing. JL tracks JC through his clarity bell but finds it at LXC’s place. LXC goes on a journey to find JC and finds him injured but with a replacement for his precious gift he got from his father. A very clear but beautiful crystal I think? That’s all I remember. @youkaimeimi

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2. Hi! i hope you're having a great day!! this blog is everything to me and it makes my day and makes finding fics so easy!! thank you for the hard work ^^ I'm trying to find a wangxian time travel fic. i don't remember much except that there was this one scene in the library. wwx travelled back in time and was with lwj and thought he was the only one who travelled back until they're in the library and lwj asks wwx about lsz and wwx is shocked that lwj is from the future. thank you <3

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3. Hi!! I had a request for the next fic finder if you don't mind! I don't remember a lot that happened, but it was some kind of au fix it. The scene I remember the most was the banquet after the end of the war at nightless city. Jin guangyao greets lan xichen and acts really personable to him and lxc is actually really uncomfortable from it. I think it had a nielan side pairing but jgy didn't know or something? And so thought he had a chance with lxc? I think wwx comes to lxc's rescue at some point too during one of their conversations. I'm pretty sure the fic was complete and mainly wangxian but thats what I remember most about it 😅 any help finding it would be fantastic!

FOUND? unstoppable by netrixie (T, 149k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, Wolf-shifter WWX, Shapeshifters, Slow burn, Unreliable Narrator) sounds like a scene at the end

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4. hello!! for the next fic finder, i lost this fic in the middle of my bookmarks and can't find it anywhere, it's a time travel fic, wangxian both come to the past and get together early. the thing is when the betrothal letter is sent, jc and jfm get suspicious, bc wwx has been different since "meeting" lwj, and they think lwj is doing something to him. the thing is wwx is way older, so he doesn't go around making trouble as much, and spend his time with lwj. jc and jfm still dont believe it but alow the betrothal.

hi! i'm the #4 anon from the last fic finder, and sadly, its not that one(altough ive read "here with me", and its very good). the one im looking for its in the cloud recess study arc. hope this helps!!

NOT FOUND Here With Me by iamwish (T, 50k, WIP, WangXian, Time Travel Fix-It, wwx turns this into a no war!au, Canon-Typical Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Bad Parent YZY, POV Multiple, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, WWX Has PTSD, and also depression sometimes)

FOUND? And Time Is But a Paper Moon by sami (M, 139k, WangXian, Time travel, Hurt/comfort, Canon typical violence, Getting together, Everybody loves/Nobody dies)

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5. Hello everybody,

I've been looking desperately for 2 fics for some weeks now. A) The first one is modern AU. Wei ying is a nurse and when he drives to work he listens to lwj's radioprogram about classical music. They call a lot on the radio and i vividly remember wwx drivi g past an owl statue that looks like a dick. B) The second one is an areanged marriage au. It has something about courtshiprules in the title i think. Its also an abo. I think wwx was some kind of general and is married of to lwj bc jgs thi ks he'q to strong? Im not sure. Thank you for the hard work! @follyfallenflapdragon

Hello! Nr5 here! Thank you for finding the 1st one! That was what i was looking for! About the second one, i remember a scene in which wwx and lwj are spending a heat together and have locked thelselves inside their house. One moment, a servant is bringing them food and lwj almosy kills him for coming to close. Jiang yanli tries next bc she is worried wwx is not eating and she is allowed to come closer. I hope this ringes a bell in somebody's mind! Thank you!

5A)

FOUND! Cantabile by MonocerosRex for captain_apostrophe (G, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Radio host LWJ, Fluff, Meet-Cute, Dialogue only, Swearing, Humor)

5B)

FOUND! Three Letters, Six Etiquettes by 2501987 (M, 24k, WangXian, XiCheng, Royalty AU, A/B/O Dynamics, Arranged Marriage, Angst and Humor, Idiots in Love, Eventual Romance, BAMF JYL, Family Feels, Awkward First Times, Bad Sex, Wedding Night, Domestic Fluff)

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6. hello dear mods and lifesavers!

thank you endlessly for the wonderful public service you're doing. i was wondering if you knew of this fic: modern au, where wwx, who disappeared and left everyone, randomly runs into nhs, gets drunk at the party they're at, and egged on by nhs drunk dials lwj to tell him he's the love of his life. after this wwx and lwj start talking a lot on the phone, and eventually wwx texts lwj his address so lwj can come.

other random details i can remember: nhs is married to jiang cheng and probably orchestrated this whole thing, wwx is friends with the wens now and works in a sex shop (i think together with wen ning?). thank you so much! @teresis

FOUND! Love Don't Belong To Me by airinshaw (E, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Getting Together, Kissing, Intercrural Sex, Light Angst, Happy Ending, PTSD, Panic Attack, WWX's canonical self-esteem issues, Canonical Child Abuse, not as dark as the tags imply, Past Relationships mention)

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7. Hi mods! Do any of you remember that fic where lwj accidentally transfers back into time and everyone is "omg its QHJ" and wwx is like "Lan Zhan!!" I've already checked the time travel tag and I don't see it there....

FOUND? 💖From the Future for the Past by friedchickenlord (G, 27k, wangxian, time travel, fix-it, fluff & humor, happy ending, denial, pining, bullying ur younger self is in fact ok)

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8. hello! I'm looking for this fic where wwx is a footballer and lwj is a ballerina and wwx's footballl team comes to lwj's ballet school to learn ballet? I found the fic for the first time from you guys too. so i think you might know it.. Thank you in advance and keep up your great work!! <3

FOUND? varied my velocities by fantasiavii (E, 58k, WangXian, Modern AU, Ballerina LWJ, Football/Soccer player WWX, Enemies to Lovers, Top WWX/Bottom LWJ, Dom WWX, Angst with a happy ending, Internalized homophobia)

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9. Y’all I’m legit losing my mind trying to find this fic. It’s post canon and WWX is on a night hunt and the Lans come to help him. I think WWX was being haunted? Anyway the major point is that he had this box of letters he’d been writing and the ghosts basically sensed that he was lonely so they wouldn’t leave him. The juniors end up getting into the box at some point. I’m afraid it might’ve been deleted, but if anyone remembers it or has it downloaded I hope they’ll respond. Right now it feels like I made the whole thing up 😭

FOUND? the dock of the bay by Haysel deleted, but available on the Wayback Machine; the January 26, 2021 capture has all download formats except html

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10. Hello! I’ve been trying to find a specific fic I closed before saving, but I understand if you can’t find it since my memory is shoddy at the best of times. The fic was set during the sunshot campaign. Jiang Cheng was angry at Wei Wuxian and hit him with Zidian, and because wwx didn’t have his golden core anymore it stopped his heart/hurt him very badly. Wwx doesn’t die, but his core being gone Might have been revealed? That’s all the information I remember. Thank you for the help!

FOUND? these colours fade for you only by doodlebutt (T, 36k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everybody Lives, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn)

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11. Hiya im looking for a fic that is untamed x among cross over where wei ying give his anti imposter healing meds to his brother and get infected and when they land lan zhan starts studying him, all i really remember is tentacles grow from his chest and he later names them and at the end lan zhan turns into an imposter with a long tongue. @trisketandpadquackie

FOUND! no innocent among us by ficwriter103, frostferox, lovingryuu (T, 72k, WangXian, Space AU, Tentacle Sex, Tentacle rape, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Body Horror, Alien Biology, Explicit Sexual Content, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Suicide Attempt, Switch WangXian)

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12. I'm looking for a fic I remember only one scene. It's a modern fic and there was a scene where LWJ & WWX were dining together. The food was very spicy and LWJ had a strong reaction for it, got like really overwhelmed.

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13. L-xiansheng and C-guniang? Perhaps someone out there can help me identify a fic (and this would’ve been a fairly early novel-compliant and post-canon one, circa 2019/20) in which WWX, under LWJ’s rigorous (and anxious) supervision, brings himself to the point of clinical death to experience what Inquiry sounds like.

FOUND! Inquiry, Reprise by EHyde (G, 1k, WangXian, Fluff)

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14. i lost a mdzs fic. All I remember is the wwx ended up in nie sect thinking he was a prisoner and jgy stole his letters and threatened jyl. He gets no letters so he thinks everyone he loved abandoned him.. Equally cos he's not replying they thing he's gone to the dark side. NHS gives him books ect and doesn't know wwx thinks he's not a guest. Tia if u know the name @eeeeeeeeeeeeagle

FOUND? Always walked a very thin line by tucuxi (T, 22k, WangXian, NHS & WWX, JYL & WWX, Depression, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Divergence, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Oblivious WWX, Golden Core Reveal, WWX Has No Golden Core, Chronic Pain, Chronic Illness)

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15. Hello mojo, I was hoping you could help me find a fic. I dont remember the name and I have been looking for hours! All I remember is Wei Ying is about 5 years old, trying to save his parents but discover/witness Yu Ziyuan killing them. His uncle (on his father side), find him and take him to his kingdom/empire and explain about him being his fathers brother. I remember his father was taken away from home when they were attack and lost his memory. And he saves Madam Lan, (Time-travel, alte-univ)? @liznara

FOUND? Young Master Hua Ying by Mikaalpaca (T, 50k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time travel, Not Jiang Friendly, Immortal Cultivatiors, Massacre, Child murder, Child abuse, Revenge, Anger and Hatred)

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16. Hi, Thank you so much for this blog it js. Alofe saver! I am looking for a fic where Lan Qiren and Jin Zuxian visit the burial mounds and here the Wens stories from the camp. They confront the Jins about it and I know Jin Zixan forgets he branded some of the Wens. I cannot remember what it is called. Thank you

FOUND? ❤️Tragedy is Not the End by Hobbsy3 (T, 358k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Golden Core Reveal, Canon Divergence from Qiongqi Pass, Angst with a Happy Ending, mojo's post) chapter 13 is where lqr and jzx are listening to the wen if it helps

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17. Hello! I’m trying to find this fix where some rogue cultivators (I think) captures lwj and brings him to burial mounds as a gift for wax to get his favor? And they have lwj’s head covered so wax doesn’t know it’s him and after he finds out he goes crazy on those rogues. It wasn’t a long fic from what I remember. Also if you can can you reccomend more fics of the same kind where wwx goes crazy because someone hurt lwj? 😭

FOUND! I’m 99% sure this one is How to piss off the Yiling Laozu in one simple step! by Eicas (T, 3k, wangxian, kidnapping, hurt/comfort, pre-slash, hurt LWJ, mojo's bookmark)

SIMILAR Crimson Scars by ShootMeDead (T, 1k, wangxian, post-canon, protective WWX, YLLZ WWX, BAMF WWX, hurt/comfort, hurt LWJ, fluff & angst)

SIMILAR the field meets the wood by astronicht (T, 7k, WangXian, Post-Canon, BAMF WWX, slight whump, Ritualistic, Self Harm, Canon Era, Tang Dynasty style, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, salt, economics, [Podfic] the field meets the wood by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona), [podfic] the field meets the wood by jellyfishfire, mojo's bookmark)

SIMILAR green flame, black flute, red ribbon by Fleetling (T, 3k, pre-wangxian, LJY pov, BAMF WWX, people will die violently for kidnapping the babies, hurt/comfort)

silk threads and precious metal by Sevidri (M, 5k, wangxian, hurt lan wangji, BAMF yiling lazou wei wuxian, mojo's post)

thrice as cruel by iliacquer (E, 15k, WIP, WangXian, BDSM, Switch WangXian, Kushiel's Legacy Fusion, Dubious Consent, Sex Work Courtesan LWJ, Submissive WWX, Dominant LWJ, Exhibitionism, Public Sex, Consensual Non-Consent, Canon-Typical Violence) warrior monk WWX saves courtesan LWJ from some abusive clients in Chapter 2

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18. Hello! So um I've been looking for this fic for the past 2 months and I've been through every relavant tag I could think of. If I remember correctly, it was a WIP. It is a canon-divergence after the fall of Lotus Pier. JC strangles WWX and leaves him there in the field. LWJ arrives and finds JC and JYL and asks them where is WWX. JC goes into hysterics and starts screaming about how WWX is dead because he killed him. LWJ goes to the field and has to conduct Inquiry to find WWX. There is a line that where WWX's spirit says his body is two li away. LWJ finds WWX's body and brings him back to the inn but orders all of the Lan disciples to not tell JC and to never let JC near WWX's room. But LWJ does inform JYL that WWX is alive though.

Thank you for all the help that you do, I've scrolled through the entirety of this blog for fics to read and am currently on my second re-scroll, haha <3

FOUND? a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 65k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Heavy Angst, Self-Worth issues, Amputation, Situational Mutism, Slow burn, Angst with a happy ending)

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19. Looking for a fic which was a WWX wasn’t recognised au or something similar where LWJ says ‘I was nothing to him’ or something along those lines. Can’t remember if he was drunk or not.

afdjfld seems like I was mixing the fics together 😂😂😂 the first fic definitely has the scene but the tavern one is definitely from the second fic

hi! this isn't very helpful, but for #19 - i would like to ask op if these details also apply to the fic? - rogue cultivator 'wei zhan' who wears grey rescues mxy!wwx without recognizing him, and wwx decides to tag along, to lwj's irritation. wwx asks if he took yllz's name out of any relation/attachment to him and lwj says '^i was nothing to him'. wwx outs himself after they were attacked by a yao or smth, and lwj is hurt for a little.

FOUND! all i want is nothing more (than to hear you knocking at my door) by jojkees (saspa_melon) (G, 4k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post Resurrection, Getting Together, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, LWJ Getting Drunk, POV WWX) if it's not this fic then i deffo haven't read the correct one 😅

FOUND! To Have Found You Early by Porceline Blue (E, 10k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Case Fic, sort of anyways)

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20. Hi guys! I’m trying to find a fic but I only remember one thing about it 🙈 LWJ was the god of devotion. Hopefully someone remembers that 😬

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Thank you for all the suggestions~

#wangxian #mdzs #wangxian fic finder #wangxian fic search #the untamed #wangxianficfinder #long post

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lizzyverydizzyyo · 6 months

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D.E.A.N | Chapter 31 - Civilian (END)

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | Prompt on trope-appreciation-tuesdays that inspired this is here. | @whumptober-archive

Fandom : Original Work

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

AO3 (Will be added later)

A/N Aaaaaand here we are at last. The last chapter. The pseudo epilogue. The wrap-up. The end (before a new beginning for the sequel). I'm so proud of myself because this is genuinely the first long fic I've ever finished in my entire life. I have so many WIPs and they're all always half-written and get somewhat abandoned in the middle. Maybe this is the beginning of me finally being able to finish my other WIPs, including the sequel for D.E.A.N.

I cannot promise when I will start posting the chapters of the sequel, but with the first book in the installment now finished, it might be a little easier to finish writing the second book too because I don't have to jump around between writing two of them. I have another whump misunderstanding WIP too about a prince and a knight in a medieval setting that has a similar premise to D.E.A.N. And I have an anthology-style non-linear whump fic about two of my original OCs that are basically the prototype of Mark and Nick (you can read them on my AO3, if you want). It's likely that I will start posting those before posting D.E.A.N - Resurgence, so please be patient.

Anyway, if you want to read this chapter and immerse yourself, I suggest reading this while listening to T*ylor Sw*ft's "Wildest Dream", because Nick and Mark are so "Wildest Dream"-coded lol. Not to mention I loosely base Mark's appearance on Scott Eastwood, who is in that song's music video. Look, I know a lot of people here don't like her, but some of her songs are really good and fascinating, and I think that song really fits the end of D.E.A.N. (If you want to immerse yourself when reading the first few chapters, especially Chapter 15 - Visit, I suggest listening to Adele's Easy on Me, because that's the song I was constantly listening to when writing those chapters).

Anyway, adieu everyone! I'll see you in the next book, hopefully soon!

Wordcount: ± 5067

TW: Discussion of Past Sexual Assault, Kidnapping, Captivity, and Torture, Allusion to Slight Panic Attack, Allusion to Past Suicide Attempt

After all is said and done, and the dust has settled, Mark realizes everything will—and has to—change from now on, so he takes care of some unresolved heartfelt business before going ghost with the hope that it’s not going to be forever.

Whumptober 2023 Tropes:

Day 16 — “Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

Day 21 — Vows

Day 29 — Troubled Past Resurfacing

This story is set in the last half of 2016.

——

"Mister Belyaev! Mister Belyaev! Over here!"

"Nikolai, how would you describe your experience in Helga?"

"Nick Belyaev, is it true you made Helga network?"

"Nicky, over here!"

"Nikolai, can you tell us anything about your rescuers? They were said to be confidential?"

"Mister Belyaev, is it true you were prostituted to several senators? Which ones are they?"

"You were said to be the first surviving victim of Helga, is that true? How do you feel about that, Nick?"

"Mister Belyaev, can you tell us which politicians you know are involved in this syndicate?"

"Nikolai Belyaev, can you look here for a bit?"

The screen of the heavy-duty laptop is showing Mark the scene of Nick slightly slouching and covering his face with his hands, while double D.E.A.N/Secret Service agents stationed to protect Nick are trying their hardest to create barriers between the heterochromatic-eyed boy and the reporters trying to devour him.

Still, Nick and the agents can barely move, let alone walk away to their car to drive them to a safe house for Nick and his family. Despite the Secret Service agents pushing back reporters roughly and yelling, "Step aside now, all of you. He will not comment. Keep a distance or we will take necessary actions if you injure him," the reporters are relentless.

There are even civilians with signs yelling at the entourage, some saying, "Welcome home, Nicky! You're safe now :)"—which Mark begrudgingly feels grateful for as he hopes that it will cheer Nick up a little—while others have unsavory things to say regarding Nick's forced prostitution, his so-called ‘communist’ ancestry of being Russian-Vietnamese, and the fact that he created Helga's server—blaming him for it despite the widespread news that Nick was tortured into doing it.

Mark is tuning in on one among many livestreams available of the transfer. Some of them are filmed by reporters and broadcasted on behalf of the news companies they’re working for, big or independent, while others are by civilians from their personal social media accounts. They’re all equally competing with each other to get the best shots and audio so that they get the most viewers.

Nikolai looks so distressed in the livestream. Mark can tell from the screen that Nick looks somewhat pale with his swirly blue-brown eyes moist, lips also bitten. He hears Nick whispering with quivering voice to the closest reporters and nosy civilians, "Please, can you let me go?"

As usual, when he watches Nick being hurt by someone (like the times he was allowed to see Nick indirectly while being treated in D.E.A.N medic facility—many doctors and nurses, unfortunately, had to put Nick through somewhat painful treatments sometimes—or the instances Mark was shown more torture footages of Nick for intel purposes), he feels a jolt of fury and protectiveness seeing Nick deeply upset and scared like that.

Unfortunately, watching the livestream is the only thing Mark is allowed to do right now while the transfer to the safehouse is commencing.

He knows he isn't allowed to go near the building where Nick is officially announced to be rescued, with high-level commanders from Central Hub saying that 1056 agents aren't allowed to be near Nick. They’re citing worry that 1056’s objective judgments might be impaired after living with Nick for so long. So, all he can do at this point is just seethe, clench his jaw with balled fists, and wish his knuckles can connect to those asshole reporters and harassers roughly.

He muses that maybe the commanders are right about their suspicion.

Mark then ponders whether calling it ‘announced’ is too generous of a word. D.E.A.N simply moved Nick out of a confidential headquarter in Colorado and into this public venue—a transitional building to make sure no one can track D.E.A.N's classified locations—before delivering him to a safe house. D.E.A.N has finally decided that Nick has done enough work for them in secrecy, so he can now continue helping the division outside of their confidential sites.

They have also determined that Nick is safe enough to be put back into civilian life, although they will still station agents here and there to make sure Nick stays alive to keep helping D.E.A.N and other government agencies, including public law enforcement. Many national and foreign justice system courts have also requested help and testimony from him, since many are now starting to open criminal cases against Helga syndicate members who are caught and identified.

For some reason, crafty and sneaky reporters caught a whiff of the news of Nick's transfer and immediately descended upon the venue like a ravenous pack of vultures. The news traveled fast beyond reporters' communities too, so other curious or sympathetic people, along with bitter and mean trolls, are now also standing around the building, adding to the crowd that is swarming Nick.

There are at least 10 double D.E.A.N/Secret Service agents who are assigned to chaperone Nick right now, and they are still obviously overwhelmed anyway. It seems that they have underestimated just how easy and quick it is for classified information like this to breach containment, and how many people would be interested in it.

They are moving like ants, little by little, inches by inches, practically crawling instead of walking, but Mark can eventually see them pushing Nick gently into the car. The windows are tinted, and he knows that they are all also bullet-proof, but the reporters and the crowds do not give up in trying to see inside the car, many cameras shoved right onto the glass windowpanes. They’re probably hoping that if the lens is basically touching the glass, it can penetrate the dark tint of the windows.

It doesn’t matter. The car still manages to drive away, protected by another car in the front and one more taking the rear. So Mark sighs and closes his laptop, relieved on behalf of Nikolai, but also still anxious if the younger man is going to arrive here in one piece.

Marcus knows this is probably going to land him in hot waters with Central Hub, but he cannot make himself stay away until he can make sure that Nick is safe and sound. He is hoping Central Hub will only realize he is not accounted for in the headquarter within an hour at least, enough to buy him some time to see for himself that Nick has arrived in the safehouse, alive and well.

So he waits, leaning against his discardable car which he parks around a hundred meters from the aforementioned house.

Three cars that look different from the livestream finally pull over the safehouse property, and Mark is guessing they stopped by somewhere hidden to change cars, since the previous ones were already identified by the public. Those vehicles are probably no longer safe for travel to a sensitive spot like this.

Mark pulls out his binoculars, pointing them at the cars one by one until he finally sees Nick walking out of one of them. He sees Nick stumbling and hesitating when he sees his family—his mother, his father, his sister, his niece, and his brother-in-law. They are at a standstill for a bit until Alisa finally chokes out a sob and runs to Nick to hug him tightly.

Nick looks a bit surprised, but he raises his arms to hug his sister back, burying his face in the crook of his sister’s neck and shoulder despite being almost a head taller than her. The others then follow suit, walking towards Nick and hugging him tight. Mark can’t tell what they’re saying to each other, other than being able to see that they’re finally hugging each other with happy tears all over their faces, except for Tom who is more stilted and distant without hugging Nick like the rest.

Mark can only guess what Tom is saying to Nick, but Nick gives a small smile before looking at his brother-in-law’s arms where Nicole is being held. Nick immediately brightens up and bends down a little to coo at her, inviting a smile on Mark’s face too. He knows full well Nicole is really, really important to Nick. Months of living together in their Nevada headquarter have shown him that.

He sees Nick straighten up again with a wide smile and excited face—giving a peck to baby Nicole—before running to the car again. He pulls out a carrier, which Mark knows has Nightingale in it, so he is not surprised when he sees Nick unzipping the carrier and pulling out his black blob cat to show her to Nicole. The baby is reaching out to pet Nightingale stutteringly, probably because she hasn’t mastered her motor skill, and she laughs jovially while screaming in excitement because Nightingale turns to lick her tiny fingers. They all laugh together, and even the chaperone agents smile at the scene.

Mark pulls down his binoculars, feeling somewhat at ease since he can confirm that Nick is safe now, back with his family and hopefully getting better and becoming well-adjusted into normal life eventually.

Mark knows he should head back to the Central Hub headquarter right now, seeing that his secure D.E.A.N-issued phone is pinging alerts that he is being summoned to one of the offices in the headquarter, but nowhere to be found. He estimates that within 30 minutes they will realize that Mark has exited the premise without permission, and another 30 minutes to pinpoint exactly which coordinates he is at now.

Well, he still has time.

He pulls up his binoculars again and he sees the Belyaev (and Conrad) family walking into the house with Nick having his sister’s and mother’s arms around his shoulders. Alisa’s other hand is holding the pet carrier, while Nick is holding Nightingale in his arms, the feline looking much bigger than what Mark remembers seeing. Nick’s father and Tom are walking in front of him, opening the door so Nick can go in first.

He still sees some agents standing around the cars and the front door with their typical idle pose—a hand on top of the other over their stomachs. Mark can tell their earpiece comms are still on to communicate with some D.E.A.N management, seeing the lips movements of the agents with his binoculars.

He feels another vibration of alert in his phone, tsking in annoyance but still pulling out his phone anyway. A Central Hub agent apparently sent a direct message saying that he knows that Mark has gone somewhere out of the headquarter without clearance, and soon the commanders will know too. Mark rolls his eyes and types a message saying he has a pressing security matter to take care of, not really feeling bad about it because he is technically not lying. The matter of Nick’s safety is paramount to him.

But he continues the chat, sensing the testiness of the agent from the texts. He sounds pissed that Mark doesn’t show him enough respect despite being a higher-level agent—and also an agent in charge of managing several teams, one of which Mark is going to be assigned to. Mark tries to continue the lie, trying to conceal the fact that he is going directly against Central Hub’s instructions to not go anywhere near Nick.

He suddenly hears a knock on his car behind him.

He turns around near the speed of light, one hand already going to his holster, but then he sighs deeply in relief as he sees Nick there.

“Hi,” the heterochromatic-eyed boy says to him with a small smile.

“I thought you’re someone dangerous,” he responds with a slightly irritated voice.

Nick smirks, evidently pleased he could sneak up on Mark.

Mark narrows his eyes with a realization.

“How did you get here?”

Nick just shrugs. “Saw a suspicious car parked here since I arrived.”

Mark narrows his eyes even more in question.

“And you just decided to approach it?”

Nick shrugs again, making Mark slightly uncomfortable with how brazen Nick is about his safety.

“You know, for a confidential government institution agent, you’re kinda bad at disguising yourself,” Nick comments lightly, sensing that Mark might be concerned about his sense of self-preservation.

So Mark chuckles now, relieved.

“I’m not here under Central Hub’s command,” he explains casually, “so I don’t have enough resources and preparation to conceal myself like usual.”

“Hmm,” Nick smirks again, “Sure.”

Mark smiles lightly, feeling serene at the opportunity to talk to Nick again after weeks of not being allowed to meet directly. Or at all.

“You’re pretty good at ambushing me, though,” he comments again. “Learning well from those agents working around you all this time?”

Nick shrugs again. “Maybe.”

Nick moves his legs but stutters, seemingly wanting to get closer to Mark but not knowing if he is allowed. Bells are ringing in his head that this might be unwise to continue, but his heart yearns so badly for a chance to see Nikolai, so he steps aside to give space for Nick to stand near him. Nick walks around the front of the car and leans against the driver’s door next to Marcus.

“How are you?” he eventually asks softly, looking at Nick from top to bottom to detect if Nick is in any harm. He pauses a bit at Nick’s abdomen.

Nick gives a small nod with a bashful smile as he says, “I’m okay.”

It makes Mark feel that weird jolt in his heart again.

“How about you?” Nick asks back, now his turn to lower his eyes towards Mark’s abdomen on his right side.

Marcus looks down too, one hand absently going to his upper waist.

“Yeah, of course,” he replies with a reassuring voice as he feels softness in his heart at Nick’s concern. “Told you I was just lightly grazed.”

Nick nods again with his own relieved breath.

“That’s good. I didn’t know what became of you all these weeks. They didn’t tell me anything.”

“They want you and us, team 1056, to work efficiently,” he shrugs and adds, “Well, as efficient as we could be with all of our ongoing injuries recovery.”

Nick furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“They think separating us will help. Getting rid of distraction and all.”

Nick rolls his eyes.

“That’s stupid. I’ve been worried sick about you for so long I couldn’t think of anything else,” he says, before he sputters with widened eyes and continues, “I mean, the others in your team too!”

Mark tries not to read too much into it.

“Speaking of which, how are the others?” Nick starts again, his bashfulness after his comment about Mark starting to dissipate. “They didn’t tell me much about what happened to the agents in that attack.”

Mark stares at Nick for a while, eventually feeling some grief and maybe anger settling in his mind. He looks down and inhales deeply.

“3 from 1082… died in action.”

“Oh,” Nick whispers with a shocked and melancholic face.

“The deputy, one sniper, and another agent. I think. Wasn’t informed directly.”

“Agent Leonard, right? The black man?”

Mark nods mournfully. “That deputy, yeah.”

"And the decoy agent?" he asks unsurely, again with fearful face. "Robert Van Hoven, right? That's his name?"

Mark nods to confirm the name, but then gives a half-hearted shrug.

"He is not from 1056, so we weren't really given any information on him." He pauses a bit. "I hope he is okay, though."

Nick nods too.

“The thing is…” Mark leans his head back with a deep, weary sigh “…we weren’t told anything other than the official report. Even I don’t know what exactly happened to the rest. Just hush-hush info, not even verifiable.”

Nick stays quiet reverently, waiting for Mark to recount further.

“Over 25 died in that clash. 4 Tactical Intelligence agents. 11 Offensive team agents,” he explains with despair but also fury in his voice, eyes cast down.

He feels that familiar anger again at himself for failing once more—wondering what could have been done differently so that not so many lives were lost—and at to those sons of bitches from Helga themselves.

“Two out of Doctor Lowe’s three nurses, and another two out of the 5 additional Medical agents sent to 1034. I think at least 6 agents from backup teams also died. That’s all the report says.”

Nick’s lips part while looking down too, probably not knowing how to react to Mark’s obvious tumultuous emotion and expression, or show his condolence appropriately and sufficiently. They all pretty much died for Nick, after all.

“What about…” Nick hesitates, so Mark turns to him, “…your team?”

Mark breathes out heavily, relieved but also forlorn.

“We all survived,” he starts.

Nick’s eyes widen and he breathes out in relief too. “That’s… that’s really good to hear. I’m glad.”

Mark turns to him with slightly raised eyebrows.

“Oh, god, I don’t mean… I’m not glad about the other non-surviving agents,” Nick blurts out nervously with his raised hands waving frantically, “don’t get me wrong!”

Mark gives him a reassuring smile, although still tinged with mourning.

“I understand.”

Nick waits for a while in silence. He then asks, “But all 10 of you in team 1056 survived?”

Mark nods. “Yeah.”

“I’m relieved,” Nikolai says again, body slightly sagging against the car.

“Even for Don and Anna?” he jokes lightly.

“I’m not heartless, Mark. I never wished for any of you to die even if I’m angry,” Nick responds with a slight frown.

Mark chuckles. “I know.”

“Although you and I saw Anna and Angie in the end anyway, so I know they’re okay,” Nick tells him.

A silence passes where they just look forward to the other side of the road, then turn to their right to the safehouse far away from them.

“But…” Nick hesitates again, “…are they… okay?”

“Mostly…” he hangs his words, not sure about how to continue.

“Is anyone in critical condition?” Nick asks worriedly.

“No, not really.”

Nick still seems puzzled, waiting for more explanation.

“Horace is doing better with his shoulder after getting shot,” he recounts, “Anderson almost died of blood loss… had to have his burst spleen taken out… and Luke is still doing physio after his knee got shot.”

Nick raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“But I don’t know if he’s going to be recovered enough to still be a field agent. Fractured knee is kinda hard to repair, you know?”

Nick keeps silent to give Marcus the time he needs to collect himself.

“George… had to be resuscitated in the medic facility,” he informs more. “He survived, but… being dead for around 2 minutes gotta leave some chronic and permanent damage. For now, the Medical agents say just to wait and see.”

Nick bites his lips, unsurely asking him, “The rest?”

“Mary and Lena are thankfully pretty much unscathed. Somehow. Only bruises here and there.”

Nick sighs in relief again.

“And Don?”

Mark gives him another reassuring and somewhat cheeky smile.

“Of course, that son of a bitch survived despite getting shot in the spleen too. Why wouldn’t he?”

Nick laughs loudly, seemingly surprised by Mark’s sudden change of tone.

He drinks in the sound and tries to etch it into his mind deeply, sensing that he is probably not going to be able to hear it again for a long time.

“I mean, they’re probably not going to be fully okay-okay, you know?” he continues again with a somber voice after a while. “But they live.”

They both look down again in sedate silence.

“And are you… really okay, though?”

The way Nick says it tells him that he is not just asking about Mark’s physical condition.

That battle is the biggest conflict he has ever faced so far, seeing as multiple circles of Helga were all swarming them at once. He knew that he trained for this, but looking at the chaos and even some agents shot dead right in front of him still rattles his mind sometimes. He has never been in a collision that chaotic in all of his D.E.A.N history, short as it is.

The fear too that he might not be able to get Nick to safety—that he would have to watch Nick down a full vial of morphine just so that he wouldn’t be taken back by Helga—still haunts him too. It’s as if the fear when they got separated kept surfacing in his dreams all the time, making him this worried and obsessed with seeing Nick again despite direct prohibition from the higher-ranked agents.

That’s why he is here now.

Still, he nods anyway, a silent reassurance that he is fine.

“How about you, Nick?”

He knows that aside from his prior trauma in Helga and at the beginning of his time with Mark’s team (he shudders at the reminder), Nick also had to witness the chaos in 1034’s headquarter, running for his life and then separated and alone with his old handlers several times. He also had to escape with Mark, Anna, Angie, and Doctor Lowe until they eventually ran out of bullets, at one point considering doing a suicide pact with the morphine vials.

Nikolai experienced all of those hells too.

Even from the livestream before, Mark can see that Nick is still deeply anxious and mentally fragile. With how public his rescue is and how ruthless the reporters and harassers are, it’s bound to be another source of trauma for Nick.

“I’ll… I’ll be okay,” Nick hesitates with a small voice, “I think.”

Mark tilts his head so that he can still see Nick’s cast-down face.

“You’re out of there now. You can get better now, yeah? Try, for me?”

Mark says it with such a weight, a pleading at the reminder of what Nick did the day before that collision. He stares again at Nick's abdomen, coldly remembering the sensation of dripping blood on his thigh and Nick’s scream when he had to be cauterized.

Nick raises his head to stare back at him, slowly giving a nod and a small smile. Not completely happy-looking, but a smile nonetheless. Mark has to believe that it means Nick will be okay in the end.

Their silence is interrupted by another vibration on Mark’s phone. He sighs in irritation again.

“Where are you gonna go after this?”

Mark turns to Nick again at the deceivingly casual-sounding question, although he still can tell it’s a loaded one. Nick isn’t just asking where he is going to drive after seeing Nick here, but also where he is going to do his mission next.

He sighs.

“Pretty far,” he simply answers.

Nick looks down again with a frown.

“Central put together 100 new Offensive Department teams. Said it will probably be a good idea if I’m a deputy this time. But we’ll have to see from the preliminary meetings.”

Nick looks almost scared when he faces Mark again as he bites his lip.

“Where?”

Mark stays silent with his own melancholic look, the heaviness in his heart at the possibility of not seeing Nick for a long time settling deep. He doesn’t want to assume, but he senses that Nick is feeling the same about that possibility.

“North Dakota.”

“Oh,” Nick simply says, trying hard not to seem crestfallen as he fiddles with his fingers. “That’s halfway across the country from Oregon.”

“Yeah.”

They are quiet again. Mark doesn’t know what he should do or say now, with Nick not giving obvious hints as to what he wants from Mark.

“They… um…” he begins again at Nick’s silence, “…made the decision based on your story… to us before.”

Nick seems like he is working hard to not show any reaction, or even weep, but Mark can see the slightest movement of his jaw at the implication of what happened to him when he just turned 18. What was done to him before and after his attempt to escape at that time.

Maybe Mark shouldn’t have brought that up because he can sense the tension between them now, with Nick’s eyes glistening again despite his efforts to not seem affected. Mark decides to look away again to the safehouse instead.

Maybe he should end this before he makes things worse.

“You should probably go back.”

Nick follows suit by looking at the safe house, the place he is going to have to live in until whenever D.E.A.N decides he and his family can fully live as civilians again. Until they’re allowed to freely live wherever they choose with only having D.E.A.N agents check in on them once in a while, instead of watching them constantly.

“Your family must be worried sick about you. They might think you get kidnapped again.”

Nick stays looking firmly at the safe house, this time obviously trying to avoid facing Mark. He doesn’t know if Nick takes it as Mark indirectly telling Nick to go away.

He sighs quietly, mourning the gloomy and tense moment they’re in now. This is possibly the last ever moment they’re going to be together for a long time, and yet, this is the mood they’re currently in.

Eventually, Nick looks back at him with a smile that seems rough around the edge. Forced, even.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he says quietly too. “I should.”

Still, they both don’t move from leaning against Mark’s disposable car, not until a while when Mark decides to be the one to end the moment. He straightens up and faces Nick fully, so Nick slowly does the same.

“Take care of yourself,” Mark says to Nick, earnest with a hint of desperation. He feels worried now that he realizes he cannot make sure Nick will be okay with his own eyes and hands.

Nick just nods, turning around to see the safe house and then to Mark again, almost like he is debating whether he should stay or go. He still ends up taking half a step to walk away, so Mark puts his hands into his pockets to prepare to watch Nick until the heterochromatic-eyed boy is safe inside again.

But he didn’t expect Nick to turn around quickly to face him again, launching himself to Mark with arms tightly embracing him. His eyes widen in shock before he processes what is happening, feeling Nick’s face burying into his shoulder with a sensation of moisture on his clothes.

His face softens eventually, and he raises his own arms to hug Nick too. His arms are careful—gentle, but also tight around Nick’s thin body—while he is drinking in Nikolai’s presence in his arms that he knows is going to stay deeply in his mind in years to come. It will be his lifeline to tether him to Nick, at least for several months, or maybe even years.

“You stay safe too,” Nick whispers with muffled voice to his shoulder, “give me a sign once in a while that you’re still out there.”

“Nick—"

Nick pulls back quickly with almost frantic and desperate eyes, some tears visible on his cheeks while his arms are still linked behind Mark’s neck.

“I know that you’re probably not allowed to contact me directly, or be stationed close to me,” Nick quickly says, “but just try to give me hidden signs somehow.”

Nick searches his eyes, almost like he is begging Mark to say yes.

“Tell me you haven't forgotten me. That you’re still alive somewhere doing your mission.”

Mark inhales and opens his mouth to explain some protocol, but Nick doesn’t let him.

“Promise me!”

He stares at Nick, and he loathes just how easy it is for Nick to bend Mark’s emotions to his will, even right now after not seeing each other for weeks. It feels like his attachment to Nick hasn’t worn out at all throughout that. He can’t look at those teary swirly blue-brown eyes and say no. He just can’t.

So he lets out a soft breath with crumbling defense, unknowingly getting close to Nick until their foreheads touch, his arms around Nick’s waist tightening. Nick doesn’t rebuff him.

“I promise,” he eventually says, “It’s not like I can forget you.”

They stay like that for a bit, letting themselves dip their toes into that… forbidden… place for once, even if Mark knows he can’t fully jump in and stay there indefinitely.

Just once, he’ll let himself take this moment.

After a while, they both let out heavy breaths and reluctantly separate from each other, their arms letting go of each other too.

“I really need to head back home,” Nick says as if trying to sober them both up.

Mark nods again, already feeling heavy in his heart, but he still lets Nick take several steps back, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. He wants to keep the sight of those captivating swirly blue-brown eyes permanently in his memory.

Eventually, Nick turns around and jogs away, and Mark tries to gulp down at the tight feeling in his throat.

Why is it this difficult?

As if to torture him even further, Nick pauses his jogging to turn back for a second, tantalizing Marcus again with the offer he knows he cannot take. Then Nick continues jogging again before slowing down to walk away, steadfastly no longer acknowledging Mark now.

Nick’s back to Mark gets smaller and smaller until he can no longer see him unless Mark uses his binoculars again. He chooses not to. He knows he’ll get hooked again if he can see Nick clearly.

It’s only when he can tell that the small dot of Nick’s body is walking into the house—welcomed by his family again—that his logical mind finally catches up.

Regardless of what he feels right now—or even later—he knows making sure that Nick stays safe is important. He knows that taking down the people who hurt Nick before—and can hurt Nick again, if he doesn’t do his job right—is his biggest priority right now. Whether one day he can see Nick and have him by his side again or not, what matters is making sure that Nick will be safe and sound permanently, whatever he needs to do to achieve that.

So, he opens his car door as he receives the call on his phone.

“Agent Hayden speaking,” he says to the agent on the phone professionally, “Yes, I will arrive in 40, Sir.”

Now, his real work begins.

-----

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | AO3 series link is here.

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

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