#it's still so incredibly funny to me how I legit BLOCKED IT OUT ENTIRELY. until fuckin 3 minutes ago. GOD.

[ghostboyjules]

made the mistake of listening to boygenius' new album while I was at work earlier and it literally hurt my feelings so bad I mentally blocked it out until like. 30 seconds ago. like fr they didn't have to say all that.

#and by mistake I mean that I should NOT have made the first time I listened to it be AT WORK. IN PUBLIC. #where I literally couldn't cry or I would have had to forcefully eject myself from the building. #via. window. 3 floors up. #I'm talking. lower lip trembling type shit I was holding those goddamn tears back so hard. #like they did. NOT. have to do all of that. #fam I haven't even gone to actually IN DEPTH look at the lyrics yet I'm *SCARED*. #those three just. really know how fuck me up. #WHO WROTE THIS. WHO DID. IT. PHOEBE??? I'M LOOKIN AT YOU. #like. for all my fellow mitski girlies (gender neutral) this album legitimately hurt me worse than like. #puberty 2. #it's still so incredibly funny to me how I legit BLOCKED IT OUT ENTIRELY. until fuckin 3 minutes ago. GOD. #okay im done. for now. jfc. #jules.intothevoid✨ #jules.songrec✨ #I GUESS. TECHNICALLY. go ahead like it's so fuckin good but the EMOTIONAL DAMAGE. #the opening track? like what the fuck. that felt personal. like. the typa shit I been on recently?? & they open with that??? hello?? #boygenius

[hopeymchope]

Magia Record: Reflecting on the Anime and the Game’s Story Ending

With Magia Record's story now complete in-game and with the anime "finished" (only the first season, but it took until literally this past weekend for the production team at Shaft to acknowledge that the second season is coming/inevitable), I have like… a ton of thoughts about where the game and the anime landed.

This will probably mostly be gripes, but overall, I'm still pretty happy with both. I've invested my past year into Magia Record during a lot of my free time, and hey – no regrets here. That game was absolutely worth the experience. The anime? Jury's still out somewhat, but it looks good so far.

This is definitely a normal thing to find surrounding a radio tower.

Anime Adaptation Thoughts:

The original Madoka Magica anime made the world feel slightly off-kilter by employing locations that were just a little off the rails from reality. The producers noted Madoka's bathroom as an important example; it's simply too large and has too much wasted space. It's maybe the biggest room in their house for no discernible reason, and that's by design, because it feels wrong. Another one was the music store we see in the first episode, where the technology is noticeably on a level that you just can't find in any real shop. On the flip side, the Magia Record anime creates a world that is deeply bizarre in many ways – much moreso than the original anime or the Magia Record game world. This is probably because the creator of the witch designs in the original was given far more creative control over the series as a whole this time around, and the result was BUGNUTS. Take note of the massive stack of discarded school desks that is arranged in a dangerous, precarious pile atop the school building (helpfully labeled as a waste pile, despite the fact that… well, who is picking up these garbage desks from the goddamn roof?). That's some imagery straight out of a witch's labyrinth, but it is ostensibly "reality." I think that's where Magia Record's anime really goes bugnuts, sometimes to powerful effect in that it makes things feel more unsettling… and sometimes to ridiculous effect. I mean, the field surrounding the radio tower now being replaced with a yard of jagged, cockeyed, towering gravestones and cross-like woodwork dangling with ropes and tridents? That's a LOT. That's… that's too much.

Look, if you were a die-hard fan of Kaede in the game, I am deeply sorry, because your girl got done DIRTY by the anime. Anyone who played the game who then sees where she winds up at the end of episode 12 is likely on a train straight to Double-You Tee Eff Station. I can't deny that it makes sense for the limited story she's given to develop across, but it was still disappointing to see. I suppose we don't really have the time to develop up all of the other characters from the game, so somebody had to sub in for this role… but oof.

Sana's backstory with her family is not nearly explained or explored enough in the show. I honestly think it comes off as confusingly unclear why they treated her like this or why they didn't notice her vanish at all. The game justifies this devastatingly well, but it feels like it's not clear at all here.

I think they could've had Kyubey run around Kamihama for part of the first season before he got ousted/blocked, and I think it would've been beneficial to do so. Now, that's not just because I love his character and find him fascinating, although that's definitely true, but it's also because there's so much exposition that I wish he could deliver to the characters about what's happened before we got here. Like, the tragic truth about Felicia's backstory is wonderfully awful, and I wish there was some way to deliver that into the anime, but I don't think it's possible without a ton of flashbacks. (And to be fair, players of the game may never know it without playing her particular Magical Girl Story.)

The change to not having Mami attack Yachiyo when they first meet was something I felt was a positive move. I loved that Mami got to have a moment she never had in the game during the Radio Tower arc, too. In generally, I enjoyed the slower, more piecemeal involvement of the original Holy Quintet, which has served as nice slow tease compared to having them be more upfront in the game. I did kind of miss the Madoka/Homura involvement in the radio tower case, but I ultimately came away feeling like it was better to save those two for later in the story because they're probably the best-known characters from the original series.

The combat soundtrack is exquisite - maybe better than ever before, honestly. The Magia Record anime has the best fight music in the series outside of, say, Rebellion.

Game's Ending Thoughts: (Spoilers Within)

The anime cutscenes in the final chapter are delightful.

Puella Magi has never shied away from having its characters die in the original anime or in the many manga stories. I'd argue that those deaths are at least part of what makes it such a successful subversion of the Magical Girl formula; the threat of death (often via witchiness) establishes the idea of there being permanent consequences that simple hope and faith and love can't overcome in spite of what those other anime may have told you. On the other hand, Magia Record turns out to have very close to zero consequences. Aside from established deaths from flashbacks that have occurred before the game even begins, by the end of the game, literally no one dies. Not even the most blatantly psychotic character is allowed to shuffle off her mortal coil; she just "disappears" and escapes. I particularly like (please note the sarcasm) how three different characters do some kind of "super-move" during the final two chapters that is said to most likely kill them, and yet they all survive them! At least ONE character winds up with some paralysis, but jeez, the others walk away completely unscathed. I can only hope the anime doesn't go quite so weak in the knees about any of the characters suffering actual consequences from the potentially-world-ending-level battles that occur.

I previously griped that I actually expected the psychos responsible for the entire storyline to get off scot-free, and although they don't get off 100% free and clear by the time the credits role, they come extremely close to doing so. However, I was really happy with the "Cherry Blossom Dreams" epilogue event, because there is dialogue in there that has the Magius admit that whatever guilt they have now, they are still capable of being complete sociopaths who want to dominate the Earth. That one person's presence (Ui) shouldn't be (and isn't) enough to keep them from being incredibly dangerous. Ultimately, the solution/punishment they receive is probably the best one available in light of their overall survival. Well done.

Speaking of the Magius, I mean… is it really possible that so many feathers never questioned that they were following a couple of 11/12-year-olds and one blatantly obvious psychotic? I guess having face time with the Magius was pretty rare, but there was still enough that some of the feathers declared their allegiance was primarily to those three above all else. And most magical girls range closer to 16 than to 11, I mean, y'know? Which is practically an eternity in terms of maturity. So I guess MIfuyu did a lot of heavy lifting on NOT making them seem like absolutely the worst possible choices for leadership, huh? (And for that reason: Mifuyu got off fucking LIGHT.)

Aaaand speaking of "one obvious psychotic," I find it funny how almost nobody knows Alina outside of her Magius role except for Karin. Because, just… it's so perfect. Karin (who is not a "Karen") happens to be the most insanely tolerant person when it comes to Alina. She seems to shrug off Alina's entire everything as amusing, forgivable quirks. Perhaps because so many people believe Karin's own obsession with Halloween is a weirdly morbid quirk, Karin doesn't even question Alina's obsession with making art about death using actual human remains. Which is… funny? No, seriously. I think it's legitimately comedic in a good way. But it should probably be much more alarming to me that she doesn't care. I'd like to think that Karen feels it's just delightfully Halloween-y for Alina to paint her canvas with legit blood, and I do believe Karin isn't really the kind of person who would ask where the blood came from because whatever, it's probably fine, better get back to planning my pageant or something. She probably even thinks Alina's skulls are plastic Halloween decorations. :P

We need to talk about Mami: Mami in "Another Story Chapter 9" felt so off and out-of-character compared to how she was written in things like Rebellion or A Different Story or Wraith Arc, and furthermore, despite that chapter being entirely about Mami wanting to just be a simple peer with no superiority over the rest of the Holy Quintet, Another Story Chapter 10 has her immediately revert back to being the smart senpai character, further cementing how weirdly "off" Chapter 9 felt. I realize they had something difficult to write, here, though. It's painful how Sayaka has to run middlewoman between Kyoko and Mami in Chapter 10 of AS. I feel like I could write a whole screed about Kyoko's behavior across the franchise and how difficult a character she is for me to like even though I "get it" and don't think she's necessarily a bad person; she's just living on the edge of being almost a total hypocrite basically ALL THE TIME. The conclusion where Kyoko acknowledges that she's going to continue to work with Mami and the others semi-regularly in spite of everything is really the best closure you can hope for with her. She's too antagonistic to give us much else, and she prefers it that way. It would take years to see her mellow.

At this point, it seems safe to assume that there isn't going to be any "season 2" of the game like what happened with Fate/Grand Order after its finale. The main narrative is well and truly done, and it's just going to be various events from here on out. Is that enough to keep me around? Um. I don't know. Probably not? Hard to say. I don't really know what other mobile game to throw my heart into. I've considered Attack on Titan Tactics, but like… Attack on Titan hasn't been kind to me lately so uhhhhh.

#magia record #puella magi madoka magica #pmmm

[promisenolies]

So... I never want to forget what BTS Chicago Night One was like... the pictures and video will help that I got.. but I wanted more. Something concrete...so I wrote this: 

I have sincere doubts that I’ll ever be able to accurately describe what going to BTS’s Speak Yourself show in Chicago on May 11, 2019 meant to me. Part of being able to convey why it was such a life-altering experience for me would include y’all having an understanding as to why I love these guys so much, what their music, and general existence means to me. And that, is a task that is beyond my capabilities…but I’ll try.

               I didn’t know what I was missing. I shrugged my daughter off when she’d try to tell me about them or get me to listen to their music. I didn’t understand why anyone would listen to music outside of their native language. How do you even enjoy it? But then…in July…I heard Fake Love on the radio while on my way to a Hanson String Theory show. Something about it called to me. I jumped in and started reading lyrics (as the message is always my number one concern—after having a good groove/sound) …and I fell in love. –Do you know how hard it is to find a great beat and fat bass WITHOUT sexually degrading lyrics? Damn near impossible until BTS for me. Instead of ‘bitches, hos, money, drugs, and pimping’ they’re singing about chasing dreams, rejecting status quo, finding home with those you love and who love you, about love, relationships, and connection. They sing a wide range—pop, pop/rock, rap, hip-hop…it keeps my many moods quite satisfied.  Their music fully transcends language. You can just FEEL it, so deeply, so wholly, you don’t need to know every last word to get the message.

Then, I fell in love with THEM. I fell in love with their message of loving ourselves, speaking our truths, of not trying to meet anyone else’s expectations, to do what makes YOU happy. They are so engaged, humble, gracious, and kind. They’re funny and dorky. They’re reflective and intellectual. They’re driven and talented.

               Yes, they’re a “boy band.” Yes, they dance and wear ‘costumes.’ But these boys also write and produce their own stuff (with others as well…but still—active participants!) and always sing live. They give 110% for a minimum of two hours-even to the point of getting sick/passing out/injuring themselves.

               And the fan base!! Holy mother! Sure I feel a little isolated here in small town MN in my love for these boys (aside from my kid, my cousin’s kid, and a few friends of theirs) but the fan base is MASSIVE. And incredibly welcoming (for the most part). There’s drama of course—I mean, there are at least 20 million of us. But it’s pretty easy to stay out of and find people to connect with. It’s one thing to know there’s a network of us online… it’s a completely different thing to experience it.

               Which, I guess, brings me to this past weekend. After a roughly 8 hour drive, we arrived in Chicago. Right away, the streets were sprinkled with ARMIES—BTS and BT21 gear proudly worn and displayed. A sense of belonging and home seeped in. And that’s not a new sensation for me, as I’ve felt that every time I went to Tulsa, or Back To The Island or any other Hanson event/show. It’s a beautiful feeling. We got checked in and decided to head to Soldier Field as the merch lines were already open and apparently essentially non-existent. The field area had a small number of ARMY milling about, nothing too crazy. We stopped and took a picture of a few BTS banners, then found the merch area. And yeah, after less than a half hour later we were at the front of the line, mostly certain of our merch choices. I pretty much wanted it all, but had to limit myself. We wandered a bit more, and that’s when it finally started to sink in…I was in the same city as seven men who had altered my emotional well being over the last 10-11 months, I would be seeing them LIVE in around 12 hours. I was quickly overwhelmed and started to cry. It feels somewhat embarrassing to say, and I don’t even fully understand what it was that overwhelmed me so much. The rest of the evening was pretty chill—grabbed some dinner and mentally tried to prepare ourselves for the next day.

               The next day we went back down to Soldier field—equipped with layers and an umbrella because the weather was turning cold and rainy. When we arrived we knew we made the right call by going to get merch the afternoon before because the merch line was RIDICULOUS – we’re talking thousands of people in line. There were multiple merch locations—all with the same size lines! But we wanted to get pictures done at the BTS Studio – a very neat little booth where you get to “interact” with one of the guys via a sort of hologram like thing, but the pictures turn out so freaking legit I was dying to get one. ….however….BigHit/Mattel (I don’t know who made this call..but!) cut off the general line after we waited for two hours. There were at least a couple hundred more behind us waiting, as well as about a hundred in front of us, and there were five hours left before doors opened to the stadium so it literally made ZERO sense to cut the line. BTS SOLD OUT Soldier Field (roughly 70,000 seats) and they only allowed 250 general people into the studio (there were more QR holders—which tons of ARMY tried for an only a few got) … it was a disaster. I suppose I would have been less angry had it not been so ungodly COLD out. We certainly did not plan for 40 degree weather in MAY.

               We decided to hop an Uber and go back to the hotel until showtime. After lunch we drove downtown to check out the BTS Pop-up Store situation, and then made a quick decision to avoid that line as it literally wrapped around an entire downtown Chicago city block – INSANE—but beautiful. So, back to the hotel. The weather was not clearing up, and I was starting to worry about the show—both for our comfort but also and more importantly the guys’ safety. Wet stages are slippery and these boys don’t hold back, the risk of injury was high. So, we joked and tweeted a bit about how Yoongi (Suga) needed to say out loud that he wanted the rain to stop and skies to clear because anything Yoongi says out loud tends to happen – saying he wanted BTS to win daesangs (Korean absolute top awards – they now have 15 from 2016 to 2018) saying he wanted to go to the Grammys (and they presented at this year’s Grammy Awards) saying he wanted Billboard top 200 (done) Billboard top 100 (done) A Billboard Music Award (done x4 – three top social artist and this years top group award). So we called on Yoongi to say he didn’t want the rain… and while the boys may have said it was the power of ARMY that cleared the skies I still say it was Yoongi.

               When we got into the venue another rush of realization hit me when I saw how CLOSE to the stage we were. I may have missed out on the VIP tickets (thanks to the stupid ticketmaster app freezing on my phone) but level 100 was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely astounding really. We got our ARMY Bombs paired to our seats and then waited. They play music videos while we wait, and it was amusing to have fans scream for those as well – and indicative of how insane it was going to be once all the fans were in and seated because it was loud even with just around a few thousand inside. My brain still couldn’t quite comprehend that I was about to see BTS live, that I was as close as I was, and that it wasn’t a dream.

               The thing about it is…once it started, I had no idea what to do. Do I watch the stage, do I watch the screen, do I not try to capture any video or pictures and just dance, sing, and scream? I tried to do all of those options, but I still feel like I missed so much. I feel like it all went so quickly.

               They opened with DIONYSUS – from their new album Map of the Soul: Persona. A heavy hitting, party-anthem type song. A great opener to get the crowd hyped up (as if we needed the help) The pyrotechnics warmed it up a bit when they went off (holy shit we really were close!) The stage was amazing! Large silver leopards behind them, Greek pillars adorning the sides…totally fitting of Dionysus.

               They transitioned straight into NOT TODAY—another heavy hitter for bass, power, and intense choreo. Theses guys BURST into their stage presence, taking no prisoners and leaving us all breathless and trembling. The sensation of hearing tens of thousands of other fans screaming with you, singing with you, and doing fan chants for the guys…well, that’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

               My first round of tears started when they did their introductions/welcome speeches. Let’s be honest, I’m Jimin biased through and through. He will always hold the biggest part of my heart out of the seven. And, honestly, I thought he was the most beautiful being I’d ever seen…but to see him in person…holy mother, there is no comparing it. He’s absolutely ethereal. An angel just walking among us. But each of their moments touched me, made me smile or laugh or just bask in the feel of love they send to us. And then…WINGS. I was so excited to know that they were performing Wings as it’s one of my favorite songs and I worried I’d never hear it live since it’s an older one. My teary-eyed state did not go away once they started it, even though it’s an upbeat song. There’s just something about BTS singing about facing fears and chasing dreams, having their wings spread and taking them to where they want to go…feeling that it was the work of ARMY helping them get there…but I know for a fact that ARMY also feel that BTS are our wings too—the way we feel encouraged and empowered to live authentically and without apology, to chase dreams and find our passions.

               A small break and then we got J-Hope’s solo JUST DANCE Hobi is a great entertainer, clearly loves the stage and his passion for dance is legitimately felt through the entire stadium. After J-Hope we got an iconic performance of EUPHORIA by Jungkook. Kookie is stunning! Absolutely beautiful. He goes from adorable baby bunny to professional rockstar in half a second. His vocals are solid and his choreo locked down. But who thought up the crazy idea of hanging onto a giant hook-like-thing and just soaring over the crowd on a cable!? My mama bear heart struggled with that, fam. But he did great and seems to really enjoy it so we’ll let it pass.

               BEST OF ME!! Ugh, another song I was DESPERATE to hear live and worried I never would. A stellar performance! The energy was still high with them and us, everyone singing along and dancing. So many of their songs are “one of my favorites” but this one definitely is. And I was GIDDY hearing it live. And yes, the answer call between Jimin and Jungkook was a highlight.  

               Clear the stage, play a quick video… and then… SERENDIPITY. This experience STILL feels like it didn’t happen. Jimin singing live… wow… just… I lack words to express Jimin and his performance. His choreography is always some of the most intricate and demanding and yet he does it flawlessly while maintaining his angelic vocals. He didn’t get the title main dancer by chance. The level of professionalism is incredible. You can tell he feels so loved by ARMY, his smile is so genuine and gracious as he’s absorbing all our cheering and screaming…and yeah, maybe a little bit of sobbing. He’s a soft, sweet person and an absolute powerhouse on stage—even with a ballad such as Serendipity.

               And then RM brings us back up in energy with his solo LOVE. They’re all great performers, and RM is no exception. It’s hard to capture a good picture of him because he’s constantly moving on the stage, making rounds to every corner. Another beautiful moment to be chanting “salam salam salam (person person person) and salang salang salang (love love love)” with tens of thousands of fans… it’s quite overwhelming.

               BOY WITH LUV is like a blur for me. They all looked AMAZING. I loved the mix of pink and blue clothing. I probably missed a ton of moments through that song because my brain short circuited, I tried to get some pictures but the movement is so constant that not many of them turned out. Strong vocals, a ton of fun together, an all around great performance.

               From the newest to some old school – DOPE followed Boy With Luv. I love the energy and power in Dope. I also loved the cute little moment I got on video between Jimin and Jungkook. Dope blended into BAEPSAE and FIRE … this medley is INSANE. I LOVE watching the guys freestyle their dancing and then effortlessly joining formation and nailing the song’s choreography. It’s stupidly impressive. JHope jumped out and attacked us all with some power dancing and then the dreaded/desired hip thrusting.

               I got absolutely zero pictures or video from IDOL because I was so enraptured by them on stage. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. It was pretty neat as Idol faded out, they went back to the top of the stage then went full in to the Idol choreography again. Like a second dance break when it appeared the song was over. Another small break and then Tae (V) comes out in pajamas on a freaking bed. The crowd lost their minds. It was a stunning performance of SINGULARITY, and I’m really hoping I can find video of the small dance break he has in it where he flung off the jacket. Sometimes Tae fades a little into the background but this performance wasn’t one of those times.

               After Singularity we got a seamless transition into FAKE LOVE—another song I have zero pics or video from because the whole thing was an experience. Seriously. Damn. From the strong, solid vocals to the hard hitting, precise choreo, to the passionate fan chants…Fake Love was perfection. …And do I really need to mention Jungkook’s abs? Oofta. I was utterly enraptured by this performance. Also, since Fake Love was the comeback I came into the fandom during, it holds a unique place in my heart.

               I don’t remember Fake Love ending, but I do remember the next song starting. SEESAW. Shit. Again, I shall remind you that Jimin is by bias—always has been always will be. But I’d be a bold-faced LIAR if I tried to say that Yoongi isn’t the most amazing performer I’ve ever seen. They are all phenomenal. But Yoongi has something extra. Something you don’t expect from him. He often flies a little under the radar, not often the highlight of red-carpet appearances or interviews, fairly soft-spoken. But when he hits the stage—watch out! Min Yoongi was BORN to be on stage. Even with a softer song, and less intense choreography Suga owns it. He commands all attention. He’s claimed in the past that he can’t “sing”, since he’s a rapper, but Seesaw (and First Love—his solo from Wings) prove otherwise. Gorgeous. I was speechless, and a bit teary watching him.

               And if I wasn’t already an emotional mess by then, Jin gets the stage to perform EPIPHANY. Oh my heart!! This was a song that when I first heard it, my heart and soul KNEW it was intense and it touched me instantly. And then, when I listened again with subs/lyrics I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. Epiphany live was like the first time all over again. And to be surrounded by tens of thousands of other fans singing “I’m the one I should love…” Well, cue me crying.  A message of needing to love yourself before being able to find love with anyone else…well that’s a message we all need to take to heart. A stellar performance. An emotional experience.

               But then! Then you know what they did!? When we’re already emotional hot messes? They go into THE TRUTH UNTOLD. Whhyyyy!? Why would you do that to us!? The Truth Untold is a transcendent song, no way around it. A song about feelings of inadequacy, of being rejected if people knew who we really were, hiding behind masks because we’re so afraid… God, just rip out my heart. And our dear vocal line (Jimin, Jungkook, Jin, and Tae) were so lovely and beautiful and somber. The song has no choreo, no fancy stages… just four guys singing their absolute hearts out.

               Cue the rap line (Suga, RM, and JHope) coming to pull us from our emotional state with OUTRO: TEAR. Oh lord, as it started there was a woman the row behind us who asked her friend, “what song is this?” and her friend was so offended! She screamed, “Tear, bitch!” It was slightly hilarious. All three rappers dominate the stage, and having never been to a live rap show before, I gotta say the ability to maintain the flow at the speed they do is impressive. TEAR flowed into MIC DROP and ooooooh how I lost my mind! MIC DROP was the song that really got me to jump into the BTS scene head first. It’s always been a favorite, will always be a favorite. I tried to get video, but I couldn’t stop dancing so it’s pretty bad video. (also, no one wants to hear my horrible voice fan chanting and singing along) The choreography to MIC DROP kills me. The choreo (and the song itself) just screams “we’re badass and we have no apologies” so get on board or get the hell out.

               A small pause so that they could set up the guys’ giant Anpanman bounce house! ANPANMAN has always been a fun song and a great live performance, but it hit a new level when you get to watch the guys play on a giant bounce house. It’s easy to forget how young they all are and how much of their youth they kind of missed out on as they chased this dream. I mean, Jungkookie is only 21 now, was 15 when they debuted. Jin, the oldest is only 26 and was 20 at debut. They lost a lot of freedom and playful years as they trained for debut. It’s freaking adorable to watch them play on stage. Even cuter when Yoongi goes from savage rapper in MIC DROP to soft and playful on the inflatable. Jungkook chased Jimin to the top, did a little dance and then they slid down (JK after Jimin though I think he had wanted to go down together)

               Anpanman transitions into SO WHAT which is truly a sight to see. No set choreo, just the guys dancing along every last inch of the stage to spread their love to everyone in the stadium. Playful moments, a lot of laughter. It’s BTS being authentically them. And I love it.

               We all got a bit emotional during the closing speeches. Jin being classic Jin and screaming AARRRMMMYYYY at us, “today is so cold, you know…thank you for coming out today even though it’s cold and rainy, I’d like to hug you with my warm heart” (and he hugs JK) “I actually really hate being cold, I was so happy though because I was with you, Army. I LOVE YOU ARMY!!” Jimin showing us how floored he was by our presence, soaking in our cheers—eyes wide and smile bright. “I’m so so happy today. But! I hope you guys don’t catch a cold.” He then essentially points a finger at us, daring our immune systems to go against his wishes.  (the screams overtake the next part of his speech so I’m not positive as to what he said) Jimin always finishes with “I love you” and lots of hearts. Jungkook and his adorable bunny smile, acted shy when it was his turn. He starts with “…It’s been awhile. I know it’s was rainy and cold, rainy and chilly…but you warmed my heart. I hope you also felt warm energy from us. One more thing, please, don’t catch a cold. Alright? See you all again!”  Suga – commanding the stage once again. “Chicago make some noise! I heard it’s actually really cold in Chicago but I didn’t know it was going to be this cold. But because of you Army, you guys melted this place. Chicago make some noise! Today’s going to be such an unforgettable day. Thank you so much for coming out today, see you tomorrow!”  JHope: “My lovely Chicago!! Did we have fun today? Since it was raining hard, and cold, I was worried for you all. However, as I was watching all of you, having fun, with your smiles on your face, my worries disappeared and I gained my power back. Army, you guys are my hope, you’re my hope, thank you so much Army Chicago, see you tomorrow.”   Tae: “How you feeling Chicago? Make some noise. A few days ago I had a dream about chasing some stars and this scenery was exactly my dream. I really wanted to chase and make sure to grab a star. I want to keep this scenery forever (Tae fooled me and I thought his speech was over so my video stopped)…ssshhhh…we will come again next year!”  RM: (gets bundled up by Tae, fans chant KIM NAMJOON) “My parents are gonna love this.” (in response to the chanting) “Guys, welcome to the first BTS winter concert. You might catch a cold, it’s freezing but whatever, it’s special right!? It’s fresh. It’s Chicago. Is the weather a serious problem for us? So right before we get onto the stage, like during the sound check, um while we were coming to the stage it was raining a lot and like these friends and every staff were so worried that it was raining and maybe we might do the little dance not very good, so we were worried, but I told them ‘don’t worry Chicago army is going to stop the rain.’ And you guys did! Seriously you guys gave us a miracle and I love this special weather in Chicago. So when the snow comes in Korea I’ll definitely think of Chicago. …”

               And then they came right for my heart and soul performing MAKE IT RIGHT and MIKROKOSMOS. Two of my absolute favorite songs off the new album. Sweet, personal, emotional. And the realization that this euphoric experience was coming to an end and I started to lose my composure during MIKROKOSMOS. “Shine, dream, smile” …always for you boys, always for you.

It was around this time that Jimin stood at the corner of the stage facing my section and started to blow kisses. And I teared up because somehow, in a crowd of thousands of people the way Jimin sends his love into the crowd every last one of us feels like the ONLY one of us at that moment in time. You just FEEL the pure love emanating from him...and it’s a feeling unlike any other. A feeling I’ll never forget. 

               I still don’t think, almost 4000 words later, that I’ve even scrapped the surface of how incredible that night was for me. How touched I was not just by the band, but by being surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people of all ages, races, nationalities, sexual orientations, classes, genders who love them just as much as I do. BTS is so much more than seven beautiful men who dance well. BTS is connection and love. BTS is inspiration and encouragement. BTS isn’t a phase, they’re making an impact far beyond what anyone imagined. Music with a message? It’s been far too long since we’ve had that. BTS is like a long drink of fresh water after being stranded in a desert.

               BTS – Seven lights in an otherwise dreary and sad world, reminding us to find our own lights and share it with the world.

#BTS #bts in chicago night one #concert reflection #i still can't believe it #can't wait until next year #i love them so much #kim namjoon #rm #kim seokjin #jin #min yoongi #suga #jung hoseok #jhope #park jimin #jimin #kim taehyung #v #jeon jungkook #jungkook

[foreverhauntingme]

BTS LY 10/3 GA EXPERIENCE

I was in the GA for the October 3rd BTS Love Yourself Tour in Chicago at the United Center and I want to document my experience not only for myself, but because I want to help other people who are debating about possibly doing GA in the future. If you don’t want details, Skip to the very end…

Let me start by saying that if you ever get the chance to do it you seriously SHOULD. What I’m about to talk about sounds like a lot and there were dozens of moments I thought “what did we do?!?!?” but I have to say, the moment a member is 7 feet in front of you NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! Not recording. Not how much your feet hurt. Not the ARMY BOMB by you ear. NOTHING. It’s incredible. So now that I have that out of the way let me tell you about my experience.

I was 10000% lucky and I managed to get 5 GA tickets on May 5, the day they came out, within 10 minutes of the sale starting. My mom’s iPad saved my life where 5 laptops could not. I’d never bought tickets before so I was nervous as hell and was on my phone with my friend, http://dingdangdiggity.tumblr.com/, starting 2 hours before hand and I NEVER let the screens go dark. It was tense and the fact I got it never registered until a month later.

Oct 2, Britt and her sister, Val ( http://missvalerieann5.tumblr.com/ ) came up and spent the night since I’m not far from Chicago and they are. Oct 3, we were up at 4. I am not a Chicago driver and I wanted to beat traffic and I mean, GA line am I right??? So friend number 3, Jax https://average-jax.tumblr.com/ , comes over because she lives near me and we head up, stopping on the way to pick up our newest edition to the friendship, Megan https://warmyoon.tumblr.com/ and we are off.

Now parking was supposed to be weird. Rumor was lots opened at 10 and we were getting there at 7:30 so the day before I used Spothero to get a spot in a garage 15 mins from the UC. I had planned to move the car to a closer lot when it opened but chose instead to extend the time where it was from 6pm-12am for another $5 so in the end parking was a 15 min walk down the street for $20 instead of the $25-29 they were charging at the venue. Plus it was going around lot C would open at 8am and other would open at 5pm and like no I was not fucking around with that.

So we did end up in the merch line on accident before we realized GA was on the other side of the building. Even with wasting a half hour though, it wasn’t a hug issue since we saw people who passed us in merch were only like 2 people ahead of us when we got in GA. Now here’s the thing with GA. People camp out. In this case, they started camping Friday for Tuesday’s concert as well as Wednesday. Some of them did both concerts some just did one. Either way, people were annoyed. The venue said they would honor the unofficial line, since official started at 10 am on D-day, if everyone was organized. So they handed out unofficial bands with numbers until they could get the official ones. Let’s just say after waking up at 4am, I didn’t give a single shit where I was in line and it was like 8 am and I had to pee so fucking bad. So Jax, Britt and I walked the length of the line towards the building because rumor on Twitter was security was letting us use the bathrooms inside. Holy. Shit. The tension was insane. These people were so pissed like we got GLARED AT for walking towards the front. I got pissed back and started screaming “I don’t give a shit about your line, I have to fucking pee!” and “I stopped caring about you’re line when I woke up at 4, I have to piss!” I guess some crazy bitch tried yelling at us. Whatever. It was hell up there. People were yelling about not bothering with the numbers since it was’t official and others were all about those numbers. I was happy to be in the back. But yeah, we got to pee and return to the back with the horror stories about the crabby pre-campers.

Val had guessed being 804 which was funny cuz we got #799-803. Rule was be back in order at 4 pm, doors opened at 5:30 and concert at 8. So we had agreed to run straight to the LG experience thing. We wanted to do the thing where the screen shows your bias like they’re next to you so bad, but for Chicago it was a raffle. You either reached in and got the pink ball to do that, a yellow ball to record a message for BTS or a blue ball where you got NOTHING. Rumor is LA let everyone do the picture. So that pissed me off. Other than that, it was still cool to take pics with the cut outs. We checked out merch and saw the line wasn’t terrible so we tried it and yeah a lot was sold out, but it went by so quick compared to the Wings tour in Rosemont. The whole C lot was set up for merch, LG, dancing, and pictures so it felt like a convention and it was really nice.

My biggest advice apart from BRING MONEY is HAVE WATER and make sure you HAVE FOOD. Snacks. Sandwiches. Anything. We had chips and water bottles and decided to walk down 15 mins to the Mcdonalds, which sucked cuz it was 85 degrees and sunny, and when we came back we went right back to where we’d been that morning so it would be quicker to get organized…which was a cluster fuck. Everyone was tired. It was now 5 pm but listen, second biggest advice is DON’T BE A DICK! Seriously. Security wanted single file order and they delayed letting us in because people would rather bitch with the fans trying to help. Rule of thumb, if you’re number 1400, don’t bother standing where the 300s go. Security wanted us in order and they fucking MADE SURE we were so it was pointless to refuse to move to the back cuz you had to wait anyway. So when someone is trying to put 600s here and 700s here and 800s move back, don’t bitch about it. Just fucking do it.

Now this is what you really want to know. Number 800, how close was I. Pretty. Fucking. Close. So the stage has the main stage, a jut out in the middle and then another lengthy stage (you know what I mean). We were off to stage left, audience right at like………if you’re on the farthest jut out in the center, we were on your 9 0’clock. Now I am 5’4” so when they performed songs on the main stage, I couldn’t see shit without being on my tip toes or looking at my camera or the screen. So that did suck. I wish we’d been closer. We were about 5 rows back from the barricade and below will be pics to show you my views. But like…I was 5 feet from every single member at one point. They could see me. They are so fucking handsome. It made the entire experience worth it. Seriously. even with 1400+ people in the pit, it was fantastic. I probably won’t do it again for money, time and stress sake unless a ticket fell into my lap, but it was a wonder thing to do and I suggest it for sure.

Now that you’ve read it all here are my tips for any GA goers:

Get their early if you want first dibs but remember that you’ll still be closer to them than you have ever been before and that once it starts and they move around, you will be shifting constantly throughout the night.

Scout out the area before hand whether you go there and drive around or check it out on Google Maps. Know what kind of food and stores are around and how far of a walk it is.

BRING WATER!!!!! You will need it all day so you don’t faint. I took in an empty bottle and filled it in the bathroom before the show. Not all venues will let you but better to throw away an empty bottle later than to go in and realize you could have had it.

PORTABLE CHARGERS!!!!!!!! Make sure your phone has space and enough charge for the whole day and night without an outlet. We charged ours at MCDonalds. Mine got to 33% by the end and had storage issues so I couldn’t record the end. Everyone else’s died.

Bring FOOD! Anything will do as long as you snack. I don’t eat during events like this but I make myself just in case.

If it’s hot and sunny, bring a cheap umbrella to block the sun and catch any breeze. It was 85 F during the day.

If it’s cold, bring a cheap blanket. It was only 60 F when we got there.

HAVE FUN! Be comfy! Make friends. Ask about biases. Remember there are people there with legit tents. Bring whatever you want as long as you can either throw it away, keep hold of it, or have someone get it for you to take home.

The line goes up and around the corner all the way to the building

So yeah hard to see when they were back there

Joon was by us a lot

Hobi was by us the most

Jimin was apparently checking on a fan who was about to faint.

I didn’t get a lot of Tae, Jin, or Kook but Hobi and Joon were on our side a lot and Jimin and Yoongi bounced around. But yeah...that was my experience. 

Any questions? EDIT: Britt just did this to her’s and I forgot but I put blood, sweat and tears into this pictures so you BETTER CREDIT ME if you share them. 

#BTS #bangtan #GA #united center #love yourself tour #my experience #GA advice #october 3rd #Chicago date 2

[seigaku9th-blog]

my computer broke months ago, hence the lack of updates. apologies for that! i tried writing up a quick summary of my latest trip to japan on my phone despite that, since i really wanted to share some details with everyone.

i was in japan from february 1st to 21st! during that time, i saw tenimyu’s VS higa six times, which i will talk about in a separate entry. so for now, let’s talk about bungou stray dogs on stage, stage oofuri, mononofu & nostalgic wonderland, as well as spi’s valentine fanmeeting!

02.03 BUNGOU STRAY DOGS what better way to start one of my japanese theater pilgrimages than by going to see my #1 boy, hideya (7th tezuka), less than 24 hours after landing in japan? i also had the chance to see teruma (6th inui) & kuwano (2nd shishido).

what most impressed me about this production was the choice casting. people i usually am iffy on were given very fitting roles that they rocked in, and of course, hideya was able to shine as the very popular & multidimensional character that is dazai. i was really happy to hear so many audience members gush about how good he was during the intermission! i think it’s one of the greatest compliments for an actor when fans of the original work & characters enjoy their portrayal.

i also enjoyed all the effort & wit put into the staging, the supernatural aspect of the franchise put into motion in such smart & artistic ways. also hideya is fantastic, gorgeous, versatile, charismatic, perfect.

when i got home, i found out that ryosei (8th inui) had went to see the show at the same time as i did...

02.11 OOFURI ️ oofuri was such a lighthearted & fun stage play, which really carried the energy of the source material. fantastic casting decisions were made here, i had a lot of fun both discovering actors i knew less and also seeing actors i’ve known for a while in person for the first time!!

i was mostly inclined to see the show because mashu (7th momo) & junpei (2nd marui) were in it!!!! i love them so much and was really happy to see them perform. they have very sparkly eyes and mashu is just such a delight to watch.

ps. ino hiroki is ridiculously handsome

02.12 SPI’S FANMEETING this was my first time going to an event without any tennis motivations, but spi is just such an amazing guy who’s always been very welcoming and inclusive towards his foreign fans, so i thought i’d honor that by attending his fanmeeting. well, of course, i also think of him as an amazingly interesting person and a fantastic performer!!

he had an entire talk section dedicated to sharing toumyu gossip, which i loved. he notably mentionned how arayan (2nd inui) is The Greatest Senpai Ever, that mario (7th eiji) has hilarious over-dramatic reactions of relief and keeps complaining about how tired he is when they’re finally done training, and that imari yu has this tendency to wrap his arm around whoever is sitting next to him...

otherwise, it was mostly spi showing off his wonderful voice with a variety of english songs. including a one direction song. help. he made a few jokes about english stuff, like how funny he thought the lyrics in real love story (tonbokiri’s solo) were, and each time he would look into my direction in a moment of north american bonding... i felt like i couldn’t unleash my full fanboy self bcuz we had an unexplainable bro bond now

after the event itself, much like for tenimyu, we had to wait our block’s turn to get out of our seats for miokuri. while waiting for my turn, an older lady came up to me and started talking to me in english, asking me where i was from, if i liked tourabu, if i’d go see take me out, saying her friend & her saw me earlier and thought i was cute, thanking me for coming, etc. now, i’m not going to assume anything, but spi did make a joke at the start of the event asking if there were mothers in the room (said lady cheered), and i also know for a fact that spi’s mother is an english teacher... hmmm...

afterwards, i got to meet spi! he handed each of us a rose since it was valentine’s day, which i thought was absolutely adorable  i was getting ready to ask 英語でいいですか？ before saying anything in english, just in case, but he was the one who super excitedly started talking to me in english, asking me where i was from & all!! we talked for a surprisingly long while considering it was just a miokuri! i was really happy... i also went WOW YOU’RE SO TALL I’M SURPRISED bcuz i’m never prepared for anyone that isn’t an inui to tower over me

02.16 MONONOFU  i went into this show excited to see so many of my favorites gorgeous boys, notably tsune (2nd atobe), kubohide (2nd niou), arayan (2nd inui), kent (3rd shinji) & sugie (2nd yuuji). since i didn’t particularly enjoy or understand the previous titles of this franchise which i had seen on DVD, my expectations for anything other than eye candy were fairly low. i ended up pleasantly surprised, as a fan of japanese history & the bakumatsu era in particular! this segment of the story covered the shinsengumi’s fall, with kondo isami’s execution & okita soji’s death at the hands of illness. i actually ended up crying along with everyone else in the theater, the actors’ performance & dramatic staging allowing a really emotional, honest & down-to-earth portrayal of a story we all love so much.

and of course, tsune was incredibly hot and kubohide really does look like that and arayan is so cool and kent is ridiculously handsome and sugie is a charismatic angel. but everyone was really fantastic! i knew ryosuke from kamen rider ghost, but his portrayal of okita really touched me. i also thought it was super cool how katsura’s actor was a legit kabuki actor! so impressive to watch!

02.17 NOSTALGIC WONDERLAND oh this show. THIS!! SHOW!! you guys!! this was undoubtedly one of my favorite things i’ve ever seen on a japanese stage!! okay, i might be a little biased because i’m a really big fan & collector of all things 60s~90s, but really!! this was just a bundle of joy, nothing but singing & dancing & casual talk segments between the actors.

the story here is actually pretty funny. i initially didn’t get a ticket for this, thinking “okay this would be fun but i already saw miura (3rd atobe), ikumin (3rd oshitari) & masa (1st niou) in person and i’m not supposed to spend money on anyone other than seigaku anyways”. then my love for miura amplified tenfolds. then my friend was like hey i have an extra ticket. then i was like i shouldn’t. then i watched shinken ranbu sai. then my love for miura amplified even further. then i was like okay please. i need that ticket. then my friend is like okay sure here is a pic of your ticket btw! and i see. the words. “Guest: Yata Yusuke”. written on the ticket. i have never been so happy to have ever decided to go see a show.

so, yes. i had the chance to watch yata (7th fuji) perform in person. he sang Open Arms by Journey, which was an absolute delight. a song i love and a voice i adore. i actually found myself crying while listening to his singing. listen... y’all know how much i love 7th cast. this meant a lot.

during the talk segment, miura was extremely excited to introduce yata, and is so jumpy, happy & clingy near him! it’s adorable! these two have been senpai & kouhai before miura’s days in tenimyu and continue to work together to this day. yata, in classic 7th fashion, was incredibly entertaining & hilarious in all of his crude honesty and lack of fucks. notably just saying “i don’t know these guys” about everyone who wasn’t miura, ikumin, masa & utsumi (2nd saeki), being absolutely exasperated and lacking in any efforts when asked to do cute fanservice, and also getting upset at masa for talking so much instead of letting him sing his solo. beautiful.

but my favorite moment was when miura exposed ikumin as a being a huge fan of yata! saying he always sings yata’s tenimyu songs when they karaoke! ikumin was incredibly flustered, but he confirmed this and straight up said “yata’s fuji is the best”. he then proceeded to kneel on the floor and reinterpret yata’s boku wa kawaru from VS shitenhoji for at least half a minute. i was howling with laughter, i can’t believe this was even allowed to happen?? where is the tennis police?? (too scared of miura and a 7th, probably.)

back to the actual show! they performed a wonderful variety of our songs, from The Karpenters to Blondie to Elvis and the Backstreet Boys as the great finale. absolutely incredible content. we all know the range of singing and/or dancing talent from our tenimyu boys, but the other actors were also really incredible singers, one is a trained ballet dancer as well, and another could play a wind instrument! sheer talent all around. miura & the other dancer, rui, had a contemporary dance number together, a very sensual one at that!!

there was also a lot of fanservice & audience interaction! and of course, i wound up with an alley seat. let’s start smoothly. i got a wink from masa when he stopped at our row during the final number!! and a big smile from ikumin during his solo!!

but what still has me *ahem* Shook to this day... is miura. yeah. during his solo — a cover of Venus by Frankie Avalon — he walked thru the alleys, doing cute fanservice with a few audience members, up until he stopped right in front of our row. i was smiling so widely from 50% happiness & 50% nervosity, and then he ended up looking right at me. held out his hand towards me. and smiled so beautifully as he continued singing. i think my heart actually stopped beating in that moment. and my hands were still shaking by the end of the show. i’m fine. yeah. uh huh

#admin reports #bungou stray dogs #oofuri #spi #mononofu series #nostalgic wonderland #tawada hideya #teruma #ishiwatari mashu #araki hirofumi #yata yusuke #miura hiroki #I DON'T USUALLY TAG NON-SEIGAKU BUT MY MIURA ADVENTURE IS TOO IMPORTAN #2nd #6th #7th

[welllpthisishappening]

You Play Ball Like a Girl (33/?)

“I think I might try and play right field.”

Emma breathed in slowly through her nose and chanced a glance over Henry’s head at Killian who was sitting rail-straight in the seat next to the teenager. His eyes flicked over to her and Emma tried to breathe again – staring at a ridiculous amount of blue and an even more ridiculous amount of emotion.

“That so?” Killian asked softly and Emma smiled.

Also on Ao3 where we follow a very legit Tuesday & Friday update schedule to maintain my sanity and tag’ed up on Tumblr as well. 

The story ran on Sunday.

And it was fantastic.

David had gotten up early – or early enough – and walked to the bodega around the corner to actually buy the entire Sunday edition of The New York Record , handing it to Emma as she bit into a piece of toast on the couch.

“It looks great,” he said, a small, proud smile on his face.

“Thanks dad,” she mumbled back, silently pleased as well.

David made a face at her, walking back into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee, and was immediately replaced by Mary Margaret who sunk onto the couch next to Emma and peered at the sports section over her shoulder.

“It really does look great,” she said. “The color is something else. Makes it stand out.” “That was Killian’s idea,” Emma said softly, doing her best not to analyze every last centimeter of the story’s layout. “I think he bartered columns for it.”

Mary Margaret didn’t say anything – a fact Emma was grateful for – but did shoot her a knowing looking before staring back down at the newspaper. “Is he coming later?”

They were going out – a celebration dinner of sorts, although this one wouldn’t involve drinks. At least not until they had sent Henry home. Emma nodded. “Yeah, of course,” she said. “I mean, this is half his celebration too.” “You wrote the story, Emma.” “I know,” she countered, “but he was...supportive? Is that lame?”

“Of course not. I know he was. And I know Henry would want him there. He’s been talking non-stop about their latest hitting session.” “He idolizes Killian,” Emma laughed. “I don’t think Killian even realizes. Or if he does it makes him uncomfortable. He’s not good with being the center of attention.” “You think he’d be used to that by now,” Mary Margaret mused, but Emma just shook her head.

“No, that’s why,” she explained. “He was. All the time. And then he got hurt and he wasn’t anymore. He doesn’t like drawing attention to himself anymore.”

“Huh.”

Emma raised her eyebrow at her friend and stared at her skeptically, waiting for the next observation. It never came. “What?” she asked.

Mary Margaret shrugged. “Nothing. I’m saying nothing at all.”

“Yuh huh.”

“So,” Mary Margaret said quickly, trying to change the subject. Emma grimaced at her. “Where do you want to go later? The bar is obviously out.” “M’s, we haven’t actually had a bar in six years. We have places we go , but we hardly have a bar.”

“That’s neither here nor there.”

“We’ll go somewhere around here,” Emma said, moving her hands slightly to indicate the immediate area surrounding their walk-up. “Killian literally lives five blocks away. He can meet us anywhere.”

“Does that include here?” “Excuse me?” “Is he coming here before we go?”

“No,” Emma said, laughing despite herself. Mary Margaret stared at her like she had possibly lost her mind. “He and Henry are running. Again. It’s become a weekend thing.”

Mary Margaret started to laugh as well and Emma folded up the paper still in her hand. “What’s so funny?” David asked, walking back into the living room, coffee cup in hand.

“Nothing,” Mary Margaret said quickly. David ignored her.

“Are Killian and Henry hanging out again?” he asked. “You know I played baseball in high school. I could help.”

“You played Kiwanis when you were 10,” Mary Margaret pointed out. Emma couldn’t stop laughing. David just glared at her.

“Still played before,” he mumbled, sitting on the far end of the couch.

“Are you jealous, David?” Emma asked.

“No.”

“I’ll tell Killian to let you know when they go next time. You can run too.” He didn’t answer immediately, but Emma heard his quiet thanks next to her. “No problem,” she said.

David mumbled something under his breath again and Emma smiled, her heart twisting slightly – hope .

I don’t know where I’m going, Swan .

Emma’s phone buzzed with the new message and she rolled her eyes at the text. To be fair, I don’t know where you are.

Her phone rang approximately two seconds later and Emma shook her head, leaning into the depths of the couch cushions. “What?” she said as soon as she slid her thumb over the phone.

“Rude.”

“Where are you?”

“Henry and I are five blocks away from you.” “You could probably just say that you and Henry are at your apartment.” She could almost hear him shrug at her. “It’s not nearly as fun.”

“M’s has decided we’re going to some sort of tavern on West Broadway.” “A tavern,” Killian scoffed. “Doesn’t seem appropriate for a 17-year-old kid.” Emma heard Henry yell I’m almost 18 in the background and she shook her head again. “What kind of tavern are we talking about?” “Relax Mr. Surprisingly-Overprotective. It’s just a restaurant. No one is going to force alcohol on Henry. In fact, no one is even going to drink in front of Henry.”

“When do you want us there?” Killian continued, ignoring Emma’s slightly sarcastic jab.

“Now?” “Not much notice.” “Did you need more?”

“No,” he objected. “Henry’s just liable to lose his mind if he doesn’t see his story soon.” No I’m not , Emma heard in the background, no one is losing their mind. They’re just anxious! “And,” Killian added, “maybe I just like teasing you.”

Emma ignored that. “You didn’t let Henry look at the paper yet?” He was silent for a moment and Emma lowered her eyebrows, waiting for an answer. “Killian?” she prompted. Mary Margaret and David walked down the hallway, waiting expectantly for her to get off the phone and put shoes on.

“It didn’t seem fair to show him without you there.”

God .

“West Broadway,” Emma repeated. “And Chambers. We’ll be there in like ten minutes.” “We can do ten minutes,” he answered and Emma could hear the smile in his voice.

“I’ll see you there.”

It only took them seven minutes to walk to the restaurant. Henry and Killian were already there, lingering in front and completely oblivious to the hostess who kept glancing over at them – at Killian – every two and a half seconds.

“Swan,” he said, stepping towards her and Emma noticed the hostess breathe out forcefully, like she had been holding it around Killian. She looked disappointed.

“Hey,” Emma responded. “How long have you been here?”

Killian waved his hands slightly in front of  him. “I don’t know, two minutes?” He glanced over his shoulder at Henry, who simply shrugged. Teenager.

Mary Margaret – ever the organizer – had taken over the seating situation and before Emma could say anything else, she found herself walking into the restaurant, Killian’s hand hovering over her back.

She did her best not to lean into it.

They sat down in the back corner and Emma leaned over, grabbing another copy of The Record out of her bag and tossing it to Henry next to her. He caught it with ease. Baseball player.

“Good catch,” David muttered approvingly from across the table.

“Thanks,” Henry said, smiling. “Is this it?”

Emma nodded. “That’s it.”

Henry practically raced through the paper and Killian reached over him, pulling the sports section from the middle with practiced ease. “Save yourself some time,” he said, earning an eye roll from Henry in the process.

And then Henry was smiling. Beaming. His head flicked between Emma and Killian on either side of him – like he couldn’t figure out who to look at. Emma put her hand on his shoulder. “Looks good, huh?” she asked.

“It looks awesome.”

“Read it,” Killian added. “Swan made you sound very deserving.”

“He is deserving!” Emma responded quickly. Killian just shook his head.

Henry didn’t say anything for several minutes and Emma chewed on her tongue inside her mouth, suddenly very nervous. She wanted to do this right. She wanted him to like it. She wanted Henry to know that he had people in his corner – an entire table full of them.

“What do you think kid?” Emma asked softly.

Henry turned to look at her slowly, a look of wonder on his face. “You wrote this?”

“Of course.”

“This is incredible.” Emma’s breath rushed out of her – her hand still on Henry’s shoulder – and she pulled him closer to her quickly, practically yanking him off his chair and hugging him tightly. “You’re going to play again, kid. I promised.” “You did.”

“And this is going to help. Or at least I hope it’s going to help.”

“Of course it’s going to help,” Killian added. “After all, Swan’s got a whole life plan for you, Henry. You can’t disappoint her.” “Life plan?” Henry laughed. “What kind of life plan?”

“You’re going to play third base for the New York Yankees,” Killian answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Mary Margaret laughed, but David looked a bit put-out. “What?” Emma asked, him, mouth twisting slightly with the words.

“Third base? You want to relegate him to third base?” David asked, sounding slightly scandalized. “Aren’t you ridiculously fast, Henry? You’ve got to be in the outfield. It’s the only option.”

“He doesn’t play outfield,” Emma countered. “Third base for the New York Yankees.”

“Actually,” Henry said as four pairs of eyes snapped towards him. “I was thinking about maybe changing positions this year. You know, when I get back out on the field.”

“That’s exciting,” Mary Margaret added, a constant source of metaphorical sunshine and optimism. “Where are you thinking about playing?”

Henry paused for a moment, lips pulled tightly like he was thinking – hard. “What’s your plan kid?” Emma prompted.

“I think I might try and play right field.”

Emma breathed in slowly through her nose and chanced a glance over Henry’s head at Killian who was sitting rail-straight in the seat next to the teenager. His eyes flicked over to her and Emma tried to breathe again – staring at a ridiculous amount of blue and an even more ridiculous amount of emotion.

“That so?” Killian asked softly and Emma smiled.

God – he deserved that.

Henry nodded quickly, turning towards Killian. “Yeah,” Henry said, his voice picking up quickly. “I thought it’d be a good idea, you know? I mean I was looking at the roster last year and they graduated all three of their outfielders. Their third baseman led the team in fielding percentage last season. Even if I do get back, they’re not going to put me out there instead of him.” “When,” Killian muttered.

“Huh?”

“When you get back.”

Henry rolled his eyes and Emma was almost ninety-nine percent positive her entire face was going to crack in half with the force of her smile.

“Am I missing something here?” David asked and Emma suddenly remembered there were other people sitting at the table. She shook her head slightly, opening her mouth to answer David. Kilian beat her to it.

“I played right field,” he said, no trace of anything except pride in his voice. It was a good thing he wasn’t sitting next to her, Emma thought, or she’d do something stupid like hold his hand or put her hand on his leg.

David nodded his head slowly in understanding and Mary Margaret actually looked like she was about to cry, eyes flitting between Emma, Henry and Killian.

“You know,” David added, “I used to play baseball.”

Emma groaned, but Henry seemed genuinely interested. “Really?” he asked. “Did you play at school too?” “If by school, you mean elementary school, then yes,” Emma said and David shot her a glare. “You weren’t really that good,” Mary Margaret added. David simply looked affronted by the attack. “Where did you play?” Killian asked, earning a questioning look from David. “Where in the field?” he corrected.

“There weren’t any positions,” Mary Margaret interrupted. “We were eight. He had barely graduated off the tee ball stage.”

Emma tried not to laugh, but David’s vaguely outraged face was simply too much. It deserved all the laughter it got. “Rough, M’s,” she said. Mary Margaret shrugged.

“I’m just being honest.”

“It was definitely several steps above the tee ball stage,” David added, trying to save face. Emma couldn’t stop laughing. “You weren’t even there, Emma, you can’t laugh about something you didn’t witness.” “You weren’t there?” Henry asked, turning towards her in his seat. Oh . Emma shot David a frustrated glance and she thought she saw him sink a bit lower in his chair.

“I met M’s and David when I was 12,” Emma explained slowly. “I didn’t live in Storybrooke until then.” “So where did you grow up?”

“There are some that would argue I did most of my growing up after I got to Storybrooke,” Emma said, working a small chuckle out of David. “But before that is a slightly bigger and more convoluted story.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t exactly have the best family from the get-go. Or any family, really if we’re being honest. I lived in a couple of different foster homes and one absolutely heinous group home in Boston, but then I landed in Storybrooke and things got better.” “You grew up in foster care?” “For awhile, yeah.” “Like me?”

Emma smiled slowly and put her hand back on Henry’s shoulder. “Yeah, kid, just like you actually. But, and here’s the exciting part, things got better for me. Way better. I found people who love me and want to help me.”

She kept her eyes focused only on Henry, ignoring the stare she could feel coming from Killian, and kept talking. “It’s not always going to suck,” Emma continued. “It’s going to get better. So much better. You’re going to get out. And get back on the field and get to school. Then third base for the New York Yankees.” “Right field,” Henry mumbled and Emma let out a short, watery laugh.

“Of course,” she agreed. “Absolutely right field.”

Henry did his best to duck his head, blinking back the tears Emma had already seen and she did her best to hide her own emotion, wiping her cheeks quickly with the back of her hand. She heard Mary Margaret sniffle to her left and laughed again.

And then Henry was hugging her – tightly and slightly awkwardly, almost pulling Emma off her chair. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“You’ve got people now, kid.”

Henry pulled away and nodded, resettling on his chair and Emma, finally, looked over his head at Killian’s awe-struck face, staring at her like he was seeing her for the very first time. Maybe he actually was.

“You all ready to order?” a waitress asked, stepping up to the table and breaking Emma out of any other deep, mental speculation. She stopped staring at Killian and ordered grilled cheese.

They walked out of the restaurant two hours later, still riding the emotional high of personal revelations and front-page feature stories and Emma realized she hadn’t stopped smiling all night.

Her cheeks hurt.

Henry was walking in front of her, talking about school with David and Mary Margaret and Emma knew Killian was just a few inches behind her. It didn’t take long for him to catch up.

“You did good today, Swan,” he said softly. “The story was incredible. Did I tell you that?” “No,” she said. He was the only one who hadn’t yet. Even Ingrid and Elsa had texted her during dinner after reading the article on The Record ’s website.

“It was incredible,” he repeated. “You were...incredible.” “You need to find another adjective,” Emma teased, glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes. He laughed, ducking his head slightly and rubbing his hand. That got the smile off her face.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” he lied. He knew she knew too. He kept staring at the sidewalk.

“Killian,” Emma pressed. “Come on.”

“He wants to play right field.” “That’s a good thing.” “That’s a slightly overwhelming thing.” “Why?” He stopped walking abruptly and Emma was a few feet in front of him before she even realized. She spun around and rolled her shoulders, bringing her hands up slightly in question. “Why?” Emma asked again, walking back towards him quickly.

“He shouldn’t do that,” Killian said. Ah, there was that patented Killian Jones lack of self confidence. Emma wanted to cry – again.

“Don’t say that,” she said, stepping closer to him again. “You don’t deserve that.”

He scoffed, kicking his foot slightly, but didn’t move when Emma was only a few centimeters away from him. Kiss him . Her mind was practically screaming at her and God she wanted to, but she couldn’t, felt almost frozen to the spot, wondering how much she had contributed to Killian’s lack of confidence.

“I think you’re giving me far too much credit, love,” he all but whispered, leaning forward slightly. Emma didn’t have to worry about kissing him, she thought suddenly, he was going to kiss her.

Until he didn’t.

Instead he reached up slowly – agonizingly slow – and brushed a piece of hair back behind her ear, fingers lingering along the back of her neck and giving Emma goosebumps. She sighed into the feeling of his hand on her skin again and tried to remember how to speak English.

“That’s not true,” she said after a few more seconds. “Henry wouldn’t want to be like you if he didn’t think you were deserving of that kind of adoration. And you are. Really. You are...so much more than you think.”

Emma needed to stop talking. He was staring at her again, eyes wide, his chest barely even moving as he breathed. She didn’t stop talking. She was on an emotional outburst role that night.

“I know you bartered column space so I could get more inches for my story,” she said, standing up to her full height as if that proved some kind of point. “I know you took Henry to the cages on Friday too. And I know that you deserve to have someone want to play the same position as you. You have people now too, Killian. People who want you to be happy and who care and who…”

She trailed off, but Emma knew exactly what she was going to say next. People who love you . People like her. And only her.

Killian didn’t say anything immediately, staring at her and making Emma blush. His fingers moved back up her neck until they were stuck in her hair and he was totally going to kiss her. He didn’t. Instead he answered her softly, muttering incredible into the space above her head. Emma sighed, the force of it moving her shoulders. “You’re incredible, Swan,” he said again. “I uh...I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Lucky that’s not going change,” she said quickly, without even considering what she had promised.

The words sunk into Emma slowly, the feel of them almost identical to those shots of rum she had done in Storybrooke, warming her entire body slightly with a dull glow that she never wanted to lose again.

She had caught up.

She just didn’t know if Killian had gotten tired of waiting. It was a terrifying thought – one that made more sense than Emma would have liked to admit. But it had hit her all at once.

She thought she knew she loved him before, but, somehow this was different. This wasn’t just wanting him – although she did want him, quite a bit – or even bringing him home. This was everything.

Because she'd pushed him away with both hands possibly her feet as well if that made any sense in whatever metaphor she was running in her head and he came back anyway, every single time – determined to help Henry and her and, God, he'd bartered column space so she could get more space for her feature.

He should have hated her. She kind of hated herself for what she'd done.

He didn't.

It didn’t make sense.

It didn’t have to. Because Emma was certain, for the first time since she had plowed him over outside the elevators, that she wouldn’t know what to do without him either.

“Good,” Killian said softly, hand still firmly entrenched in her hair. He bent his head slightly, faster than Emma was ready for and, brushed his lips over her cheek. He had kissed her and it was so goddamn sweet that Emma could hardly stand it.

The small tear trailing down her face betrayed every emotion she felt coursing through her system and she heard Killian’s breath hitch slightly, pulling back to stare at her, worry etched across his features.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, the note of concern obvious in his voice.

Emma shook her head.”Nothing.” He eyed her speculatively, lowering his eyebrows and making a face. “I promise,” she added, reaching up quickly to rub under her eyes. Killian groaned slightly and wrapped her hand in his, squeezing it tightly.

Emma was halfway towards making out forcefully with him in the middle of the sidewalk again when she heard David calling to them from the end of the block. “You know we were two blocks away before we realized you two weren’t there!” he yelled.

Emma rolled her eyes before she spun around, Killian’s hand still holding hers. “That’s because you’re crappy friends,” she shouted back. “Pay better attention!”

“Walk faster!”

“Come on love,” Killian said, walking around her so Emma’s arm was pulled out straight behind him. “Best not to keep them waiting anymore.” “David just wants ice cream,” Emma begrudgingly, following along anyway.

“Don’t you?”

“Well, obviously.”

“Then, come on, Swan. We’ll get crazy and get celebratory waffle cones.” “As if there was any other way to eat ice cream. You know this place won’t have nearly as aesthetically pleasing ice cream cones as we do at home.” “Of course no one can top you, Swan,” he muttered, glancing at her with that stupid smirk as they, finally, reached David.

Someday that smirk wouldn’t make Emma want to forcibly make out with him in the middle of the sidewalk. It just wasn’t at that moment. If she was being honest with herself, Emma would admit that day probably wouldn’t ever come.

Emma grabbed a dozen copies of Sunday’s paper on her way to her desk the next morning, stocking up for reasons – and also because Ingrid had demanded at least six.

A dozen newspapers – Sunday newspapers – were far heavier than she expected however and by the time Emma had found her way to her desk she was breathing heavily.

“Alright, Swan?” Killian laughed and Emma peered her head around the stack of newspapers in her hands to glare at him.

“Shut up,” she hissed.

“Here, hold still.” Emma could hear him moving and saw his hands reach out to the top of her newspaper pile, grabbing half the stack and depositing them in a neat column next to her desk.

“Thanks,” she muttered, bending down to pile her own papers on top.

“Can’t have you breaking any bones trying to balance all of those now can we?”

“Hysterical.”

“Just concern for your general well-being.” “What a gentleman.”

“Always.”

Emma rolled her eyes and leaned against her desk, crossing her arms as she stood next to him, an entirely unprofessional amount of space between them. “So?” she asked. “Why were you lurking?” “I don’t lurk.” “You were. Are. Currently. Why?” “Isaac wants to talk to us.”

“What?” Emma stood up, taking a step away from her desk so she was standing in front of Killian. She could feel the panic settling on her face and knew her eyes looked a bit manic as soon as she felt Killian’s hand settle on her arm.

“Relax, love, it’s fine. I’m sure. I bet he just wants to say how well it all went.”

“You’re sure.”

“Of course.”

That was a lie.

He was doing a good job of trying to cover it up. The small smile, the vaguely confident bravado, the protective hand on her arm. Emma almost missed it. But her intuition was – rarely – ever wrong.

“You’re worried,” she accused.

“No.” “Don’t lie.”

Killian rolled his head to the side, nearly resting it on his shoulder. “Swan,” he said slowly. “There is nothing to worry about.”

Another lie.

Emma pursed her lips and sighed. “When did he want to meet?” “Now.”

Her eyes widened again. “So that’s why you were lurking.” “I was not lurking. We have covered this. I was…” Emma rolled her eyes and cut him off, grabbing his hand quickly and tugging on his arm.

“Come on,” she said. “Let’s go see what this is all about.”

Isaac’s office – or rather, his entire floor – looked as imposing as ever when they walked off the elevator after being beckoned. Emma tried to ignore the nerves in her stomach and her slightly accelerated heart rate. And Killian’s smirk, but that was an entirely different challenge altogether.  

“It’s going to be fine Swan,” he assured her – again – opening the door in front of them and nodding towards Isaac’s secretary.

“He’s expecting you,” she said, hardly even looking away from her computer screen.

“Thanks,” Killian said, walking confidently towards the next set of doors and swinging them open. He moved into the office with practiced ease, smiling over his shoulder at Emma as she lingered in the doorway. “Lurking,” he muttered, widening his eyes at her and Emma quickly followed him inside, standing near attention next to him.

Isaac was on the phone, a frown on his face that looked as if it had been there for hours, impressive considering it was only one in the afternoon. He also looked angry. Very angry.

This wasn’t the same editor who had heaped compliments on them for their video hits. This was an editor who was dealing with something and it wasn’t good.

Isaac hung up the phone, leveling a stare at Emma and Killian that sent a flush of worry down her spine again, pooling in her stomach.

“Hey Isaac,” Killian said, some of that pre-meeting confidence lacking just a bit. “You wanted to talk." “I did.”

He didn’t say anything else and Emma was struck with the sudden realization that this was not going to end well. “And?” Killian prompted, taking a step closer to the desk.

“I’ve gotten a phone call,” Isaac said.

“And?” Emma made a significant face at Killian as he repeated himself again and saw him shrug slightly, trying not to attract any extra attention to himself or the movement.

“Let’s just say the DOE isn’t pleased with your story. And I can’t say that I am either.” “What?”

Shit.

Emma bit the inside of her lip and tried to come up with a scenario where this ended well for either her or Killian. She couldn’t. Shit.

“I have to admit, Killian, I’m a little surprised at your thought process over the last week or so,” Isaac continued. “Cruella told me that the department had sent you a letter last week instructing you not to run the story.”

Killian shrugged again, this time making sure Isaac saw every aspect of the vaguely sarcastic movement. “I wasn’t aware that we were in the habit of listening to singular letters after months of research and writing.”

“This newspaper doesn’t ignore warnings like that. As an editor that’s something you should be aware of. You should have informed me as soon as you got the letters.”

“Did you even read the story?” Killian asked sharply.

“I did.”

“Then you know why the DOE is upset. They fucked up and Swan figured it out. They didn’t want the story to run because Henry should be playing baseball this season.”

Isaac narrowed his eyes, glancing between Killian and Emma. She stood up straighter, trying to maintain some sort of control over her own story. “Cruella claims that’s not true,” Isaac countered. “Why are you talking to Cruella about this? Did she call you?” Killian’s voice was sharp and Emma knew he was trying not to yell. Or pace. He settled for rubbing his hand instead. Emma tried not to reach out and grab it.

“That’s not any of your business,” Isaac answered quickly, standing up as well and crossing his arms. He wasn’t very tall. In fact, he wasn’t very big at all. He looked a bit like a child in an adult’s body, face scrunched slightly with his more-than-obvious frustration. “I have known Cruella for years and she was kind enough to tell me that the DOE is thinking about pursuing legal action. They claim you can’t print those records.”

“That’s not true!” Emma interrupted. She had had enough. “Those documents are public record. I could put them up on a billboard and it would be legal.”

Killian chuckled slightly, ducking his head and Emma could see the ghost of a smile on his face. “We didn’t do anything that wasn’t in line. We even talked to a lawyer! It’s all in the story.” “I know it is,” Isaac said quietly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you were told not to run this story.” “I don’t work for the Department of Education.” “That’s right. You work for me. You both do. And these decisions you’re making have repercussions on the entire paper.”

“How?” Killian asked, the skepticism heavy in his voice. He had plunged head first into angry. “Swan should win an award for all the work she put in on this! We’re the only paper in this entire city with anything even remotely like this. This kid came to us . He wanted to talk to Emma and she wrote something that’s going to change his life. If the DOE wants to throw threats around, then let them. It doesn’t change any of the facts.”

Emma tried to smile at Killian without drawing any more of Isaac’s anger towards her, but realized after two seconds that she didn’t care. She leaned forward – he was still standing close to Isaac’s desk – and brushed her fingers over the back of his wrist. She could feel him relax. “That’s where you’re wrong,” Isaac said quietly. “This paper can’t afford threats. It can’t afford to make rash decisions that could affect every level of the editorial staff.” “What are you talking about?” The tension was back in Killian’s shoulders.

“Walsh. I am talking about Walsh.”

“What about him?”

Emma felt her own brand of tension in her shoulders. Shit . Again.

“You fired him.” “I did,” Killian agreed. “He should have been gone months ago.” “That’s not your decision. At all.”

“And who’s is it?”

“Mine.”

Killian sighed and Emma stepped up so she was standing directly next to him. We make quite a good team . “That’s not entirely true,” Killian pointed out. “It’s my section. I get some control over who is writing in my section.” “I don’t disagree with that,” Isaac admitted. “But Walsh was an asset to this newspaper. And now he’s very angry.”

“He tipped off the DOE didn’t he?” “He did.”

“Fucking asshole,” Killian mumbled, shaking his head.

“Why did you fire him?”

“He was an asshole.” “I need a better answer.”

Killian paused for a moment and Emma could almost hear the gears working in his head, trying to come up with an answer that seemed appropriate for a workplace environment. She seized that pause to provide her own answer.

“Me,” she said quickly, ignoring Killian’s stare. “It was because of me. Walsh wouldn’t leave me alone. Killian wasn’t lying. He was an asshole. And he made working her incredibly uncomfortable.” “I’d think you’d be able to take care of yourself, Emma,” Isaac said slyly.

“I can. But this was too much. He didn’t just step over the line, he pole vaulted over it.”

“Was any of it true?”

“Excuse me?”

Isaac didn’t say anything – waiting for Emma to respond to his original question. When she didn’t answer quickly enough, he stared at Killian instead.

“That’s not any of your business,” Killian whispered, repeating Isaac’s words from earlier.

“Another point on which we disagree Jones. That’s unacceptable.”

Killian tilted his head and rocked back on his heels slightly. “That’s your problem.” “You know Walsh talked to me after you kicked him off the sports floor. Came right up here to complain.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“He had some very interesting stories to tell.” “That so?”

Emma looked at Isaac who was, in turn, looking right at Killian. Isaac nodded. “Very interesting.” “Care to share?” Isaac nodded again. “He had some very specific accusations regarding your,” he nodded towards Emma and Killian, “relationship outside of this office. And he added that this might be a bit of a trend for you.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Robert Gold sound familiar to you?”

Killian looked like was going to fall over. His face blanched and every ounce of bravado had disappeared entirely. He looked vaguely terrified. Emma grabbed his hand without thinking, ignoring Isaac’s eyes, and squeezed as tightly as she could.

“What did he have to say about that?” “That he knows. It was slightly cryptic.”

“Fuck,” Killian mumbled and Emma squeezed again.

“So that does mean something. Should I be worried?” Isaac asked. Emma wondered at what point in the conversation he started to care again. Maybe around the time it appeared his sports editor and most popular columnist was going to faint in the middle of his office.  

“It’s fine,” Emma said as quietly as she could, trying to keep Killian’s focus on her instead of the millions of thoughts she knew were already racing through his mind. “Killian, it’s going to be fine.”

“What aren’t you telling me?” Isaac asked sharply.

“That’s really not any of your business.” “We don’t need to bring Walsh back. If what he supposedly was saying on your floor was true, then I’m glad we’ve kicked him out. But he’s got leverage and that worries me.” “You think he’ll do something?” Emma asked.

Isaac shrugged, but Killian answered. “No,” he said. “He’s too much of a coward to do anything. He wouldn’t go to Gold.” “He knew Zelena, you know,” Isaac added. “Used to date her or something.” “Jesus,” Emma muttered and, this time, it was Killian who squeezed her hand.

“We’re not doing this again,” Isaac said, snapping the attention in the room directly back to him. “No more of these back-room dealings. You get letters from city departments, you tell me. You want to fire a staff writer, you tell me first. He said you almost hit him.” “He would have deserved it,” Killian spit.

“That’s not a good defense if he charges you for assault.” “I didn’t actually hit him.” “I know.” Isaac shook his head slowly and fell back into his enormous desk chair. Emma glanced at Killian who looked as worried as ever. “The story really was very good, Emma. That kid should be thanking you.” “Thanks,” she said softly. “He made it easy.”

Isaac hummed softly in response and Emma knew the dismissal when she heard it. She started to walk away, but almost fell over when Killian didn’t move.

“Killian?” Isaac asked, surprised.

“Did he say how he knew Gold? How he met him?” “No. Does it matter?” “No.” Isaac narrowed his eyes – he didn’t believe him, Emma didn’t either. “Alright. Go run your section, Killian.”

Emma squeezed his hand again, tugging slightly on his arm. It took a moment, but he followed her out the door, silent as they walked back into the elevator. He hit the button for the ground floor and Emma glanced up at him questioningly.

“Take a walk with me, Swan,” he answered. She nodded and let him pull her out towards the sidewalk, but he didn’t turn downtown – towards Josie’s – instead heading uptown towards Columbus Circle.

The sounds of the cars and the tourists and New York overwhelmed both of them as they walked towards the park, weaving their way through traffic hand in hand, until Emma couldn’t hold back her questions.

“You’ve got to tell me what you’re thinking,” she said as he directed them past the statue in front of Central Park, walking past the bike vendors and novelty ice cream carts.

“None of it is very positive.” Killian stopped walking and sank onto one of the benches along the path, his head resting on his hands after he had pulled away from Emma’s grip. “Talk to me,” Emma said again, sitting down next to him and nudging his knee with hers.

He sighed softly and tugged on his hair with a force that surprised Emma. “How did he know?”

Emma shrugged – a totally unacceptable answer – and tried come up with something that would sound appropriately encouraging. “Do you think it would actually matter?”

She had failed on the encouraging front.

Killian still hadn’t lifted his head up and Emma wrapped one hand around his, forcing him out of the vice-like grip he still had on his hair. “Talk.”

“I think it’s...interesting.” “How?”

“Walsh hasn’t worked anywhere but The Record for years. He’s been in New York his entire life. He wouldn’t have just run into Gold.” It hit Emma suddenly and, suddenly, she realized what Killian was so worried about. “You think Gold is in New York.”

“The thought had crossed my mind.”

Emma was silent for a moment when she stopped breathing suddenly. “You think Milah is here.”

Killian smiled sadly at her, finally lifting his head up completely to meet her gaze. “The thought had crossed my mind,” he repeated.

She tried to keep her breathing even – knowing full-well that he would be able to read her like an open book if she even so much as thought about acknowledging the worry that was coursing through her system.

Emma wasn’t a clingy person. That particular characteristic had been forced out of her when she was eight years old and the family she had been living with in Minnesota sent her back to the foster home when they found out they were expecting a baby of her own.

She knew people left.

And she knew she had absolutely no right to feel the way she did – nervous and anxious and just as worried as Killian looked.

But she had finally caught up. And she was nothing if not a little selfish.

He stared at her, head tilted, hand twisting back up with hers as he desperately tried to meet her eyes. Emma avoided him. That was a mistake. She might as well have broadcast her anxiety with a flashing, neon sign.

“Swan,” he said softly and Emma finally looked at him. “You’ve got to tell me what you’re thinking.” Emma let out a shaky laugh as he repeated exactly what he had just told her. “And don’t tell me nothing. I can see it.” “I know you can.”

“Then tell me.”

“It’s more of a question.” “Ask it.” “Would you want to?” Killian’s gaze faltered for a moment and Emma was certain his eyes dropped to her mouth for a moment before he looked at her with questions in his eyes. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“If Gold is here and Milah is here and they’re both here, would you want to?” Emma was babbling now. She tried to get up – so she could pace in the middle of Central Park – but Killian held her hand tighter, an unspoken command to sit still.

“Would you, would you want to see her again? Go...go back to her?” Emma’s voice got progressively quieter as she continued to talk. Killian didn’t blink. “I mean you loved her, right?”

Killian licked his lips before answering, top teeth tugging on his bottom lip slightly before he, finally, answered. “I did,” he said.

Emma was hoping for a bit more. She bit back her questions and tried to take a deep breath, but found it difficult to actually fill her lungs with oxygen.

“I did, Swan,” Killian said again. “I loved her more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. She was...everything. But, well, she left. And I spent a long time being mad about that and certain that nothing else in my life would ever be important like she was was.” He took a deep breath, staring straight at Emma and all she could see was blue. “I was wrong,” he added.

“Yeah?” God , what an absurd answer. What an absolute emotional letdown. She didn’t say anything else. She couldn’t even think of the words.

“Yeah.”

Emma leaned forward, not even trying to to disguise her gaze, staring directly at Killian with every single emotion that she felt. He looked right back at her – he hadn’t blinked in days , Emma was certain of it – and the small, nervous smile on his face did something to her.

She was going to kiss him.

She wanted to kiss him.

She needed to kiss him.

And he didn’t look too upset at the idea.

The hand that had been wrapped up in Emma’s was now resting on her hip, thumb moving up and down slightly so that the fabric of her shirt rumpled underneath him. Emma moved forward again – her entire leg pressed up against his – and she nodded quickly, almost as if she were trying to convince herself he was being honest with her.

She knew he was – even without the sixth sense.

“Swan?” he asked quietly with Emma just inches away from his face. “Love, I need you to be sure. You’ve got to be sure.”

Emma swore she felt her heart break and wondered again how she had ever allowed herself to hurt him. She was an idiot. She reached up again, putting her hand on his cheek and he leaned into her touch, closing his eyes slightly.

“I’m sure,” she whispered.

It didn’t take a full second before he moved and kissed her and it felt like coming home.

His lips moved over hers quickly, like he was trying to claim as much as possible while they still sat on a bench in the middle of Central Park. Emma’s hands moved into his hair and his hold on her waist was impossibly tight, almost as if he was afraid she’d disappear if he let go.

Killian pulled away before Emma was ready for him to move and she whined, the sound reverberating in the back of her throat. He laughed at her softly, shaking his head as he peppered her face with kisses.

That made her laugh, some sort of girlish nonsense that Emma definitely would have mocked if she were one of the thousands of tourists in the general vicinity.

His hands ran up and down her spine, making Emma shiver and Killian kissed her once more, softly, just below her ear, pushing her hair out of the way in the process.

I love you .

The sentence was on the tip of her tongue, practically begging to be said, but Emma bit it back. Not yet. Not now. Now when Gold might be back and Milah may be in New York and the DOE was threatening to sue them for a couple of thousand words.

She didn’t say it.

Instead, Emma jumped right back into questions she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to.

“Are you worried?” she asked.

“About?” “Gold. Milah.” “I don’t even know that they’re here. It’s just an assumption.”

“Are you going to find out?” Emma tried not to let the slight terror she felt at the idea of that creep into her voice. Killian noticed anyway. “What do you think I should do?” “I’m not part of the equation.”

He stared at her pointedly for a moment, brushing kisses along her jaw again and mumbled against her skin. “No?” he asked.

“No.” Her voice only shook slightly when she answered. Emma was proud of that.

“I don’t know that that’s true, actually. You said you were sure.”

“I am.” “Then what do you think I should do?”

Emma sighed, leaning back slightly to look at him. “Honestly?” Killian nodded. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “You deserve closure. You do. But I don’t know that I can see a scenario where this ends well.”

Killian smiled at her, trailing his fingers through her hair. “That’s what I thought.” “Yeah?”

“He can’t do anything. Gold or Walsh. I really do believe that. And even if they could, even if they thought they could scare me or something ridiculous like that, what could come out? That I loved someone once?” Emma smiled and Killian kept talking, hand moving absently over her shoulder blades. “I don’t need closure, Swan. I just…” “What?” “I need you to be sure.”

Emma took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m not running this time. You’re not quite as scary anymore.”

“No?” That smirk was so dumb – so incredibly dumb. And attractive – so incredibly attractive.  “What changed?” Killian asked, voice quiet and slightly nervous.

Emma considered her answer for a moment, thoughts drifting towards the absurdly sentimental and overly emotional before she realized the truth was her best course of action. “I caught up,” she said simply.

He kissed her again and Emma felt like her whole body had fallen into his. I love you , she thought again, swallowing that idea immediately and focusing on the heat she could practically feel radiating off Killian’s body.

“I would have waited,” he muttered against her lips, the promise landing directly in Emma’s heart like it belonged there.

“I know you would have. But now you don’t have to.”

“Noted.”

Killian leaned forward again and Emma was perfectly content to stay on that Central Park bench for the rest of her life, but the rest of the world had other plans. His phone rang – loudly – and Killian groaned, reaching in between him and Emma to grab it out of his pocket.

He kept his left hand on her waist while he talked, trying to calm down whoever was on the other end. “Relax,” Killian said. “Relax. Will, I swear if you don’t take a deep breath and talk to me, I’m going to uninstall the macros on your computer and you’ll have to do all your stats by hand.”

Emma smacked his arm lightly – Will was very particular about his macros – and Killian just grinned at her, squeezing her waist in the process. “I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” he continued. “15 tops. Go sit down and do some breathing exercises. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

Killian groaned again as he pulled the phone away from his ear and stuffed it back in his pocket, standing up quickly. “The whole building would probably collapse in on itself if I wasn’t there to make sure the box scores got in the paper every day,” he muttered bitterly and Emma laughed despite herself.

“You love it,” she accused and Killian shrugged, offering his hand to her. Emma grabbed it and stood up, standing next to him and bumping her shoulder into his arm. He pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head lightly.

“We’ve got to go save box scores, love,” he said quietly.

“You have to go save box scores,” Emma corrected. “I have newspapers to send to Maine.” “Using New York Record postal services for your own personal needs, Swan?”

“It’s just a lot of newspaper.”

“It’s alright,” Killian muttered, arm tight around her shoulders as he started walking them back out of the park. “I promise not to tell on you, Swan.”

#cs ff #cs fanfic #cs fic #cs au #ypblag #HAPPY TUESDAY EVERYTHING IS SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS #and a very minimal amount of angst #because #you know #i'm me

[justafastfoodknight]

I guess I should write about what’s been going on? because there’s a shitload and i kind of hate myself for not keeping up with it!!!?ok

so last week was our trip to San Fransisco. mind u i had posted that we had no place to stay and would most likely cancel the trip... well we found a place. On the first night we met up with M’s co-workers and got a hotel/motel. Juliette had texted me saying she really wanted to meet up so we made a plan to in the next couple of hours. I was so nervous cause I have never had a friend understand things like she understands me and this is legit all from memes and tidbits we’d message on IG in the past years. she said she was gonna pick me up and take me to eat with her friend. So i got the i’m outside text and there she was! it was legit surreal. So met her friend who was super tall but super chill. let me say i’m fat af and that we had to walk every fucking where. holy shit. so we walked and talked about living in SF and me in the Valley. We made it to the underground station, they call it Bart. and we started really talking... like how anxiety and depression has fucked with our mentality and how it effects our academics. she asked me what I wanted to do and i was like since HS it’s been the same thing: movies. but i have so many idea and i have resources but i don’t have friends who want to and i have a shell i can’t break out of to socialize and network to do anything... and i was like i feel like such a failure because i have such a burning passion and i’ve had time but nothing has come of it. and i swear it was so nice to have someone else who had this outlook like: tbh i’m not even worried. and it wasn’t even like she had a set plan so she wasn’t worried but more of: “why do i have to have a career at 30? i realized i can’t do school so i’m taking simple easy classes on things i like and i’ll see where that leads.. i’m trying to not let societies pressure tell me i need to be at a certain place by a certain age.” and then i had this epiphany right there with her and told her about how David lynch started painting and doing sculptures as a teen and how that actually landed him a scholarship to a film school where he fucking made Eraserhead. and i said that he even now, being 70 something has creative control of his work which is FUCKING rare but he legit stuck to his aesthetics no matter how long it took him and he’s still getting praised. 

so yeah, then we got off the bart and walked a ton to this pizza place. trust i was tired af wanting to die from walking so much, and this line to get pizza was fucking insane. i was like are u sure we can even wait to eat cause i’m already tired. but we stuck it out and I HAVE NEVER EATEN PIZZA THAT FUCKING GREAT BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I FUCKING SWEAR!! so we started talking about how everyone in our class has babies and is engaged and married or have careers and shit and then we got into it about TA. Mind you, no one but maybe 2 people know what i think about him regardless if we hang out or talking or whatever. so then i was saying how crazy baby fever is and then she said “yeah i had a serious case back in HS when I dated TA, i swear i would have had his child and married him right then and there no questions asked i loved him that much.” bitch my insides shattered. i mean yeah he has a gf, and yea i’d known that they dated, but i never knew it was that serious. and here’s a girl who’s friendship i really fucking value telling me she was IN LOVE LOVE LOVE with some dude I tell myself i’m going to marry or be with. it sounds fucking crazy and i sound like a fucking idiot because this is all theoretical but omg i was like girl-code says u can’t date a friends ex. i took it with a grain of salt and reminded myself of the past things that had happened (which i will get into) and was kind of like ok, chill the fuck out.

we then walked to the amoeba record store and talked about movies and music and she’s so talkative and funny bish i was so happy to be around her. she’s enigmatic and pure i loved that she always had shit to say. so we bought stuff and made our way back. on the train she said that she noticed i had a little crab symbolizing Cancer and she said that that’s why we understood each other so well because she is also one! I had no idea but i was like UR AN EMO WRECK LIKE ME!!! it makes a lot of sense actually. from how we act around people and how we think it’s pt fucking cool. so walking back to my hotel she said she was sorry for not offering to host us but she was in a super tiny space that she would even hate for her sisters to come and stay with her because it was just her big ass bed and almost no other space but she said she was moving in the next year so she said i’d have to come down more often and stay with her!! it sounds super gay, trust me i know! but i have not made friends in fucking years!! so getting back i go up and like i fucking said we walked for hours and Mel and her friends had plans to go to a gay club which i was all for earlier but now that i had blisters on my feet and had makeup running down my face i was like pjs on lay in bed, watch the proposal and fall the fuck asleep. her friends were really cool too though. like one is this super femme gay dude who is circling around the idea of doing drag so his makeup is BOMB AF!! and the other girls were a lesbian couple who spoke so softly but were the cutest thing ever. so they kept drinking and being loud but i tbh did not mind, and they got on their last coats and left. the next thing i remember it was 4 am and M was on top of me saying some crap about the club and sorry for being so loud. then i heard them say that the coke was working so well and that they had so much energy. M kept saying she wanted to run around the block and at thjis point i was so fucking tire di wouldn’t even get up to check up on her, plus i had cramps and it was honestly 40 degress in that room cause they left the air on. so we all knocked out and we woke up to 23498234092834092384 alarms and the snooze buttons like a million times omg it was so funny after. got breakfast, went down to the golden gate bridge, which is impossible to even comprehend, went bowling, got burritos, drove to lombard st. and then got dropped off at our hostel. there was a mix up and we ended up in different rooms. we met up outside and decided to walk to the venue to see how far it was... bitch it was 20 mins walking and another 10mins trying to find the entrance... but the second we turned the corner.. THE FUCKING MARQUEE SAID BRAND NEW SEPT. 11!!! BITCH I WAS SCREAMING AND PUSHING M BECAUSE HOLY SHIT!!!  we both got so excited!!!!! so we headed back and I said “i’m not taking chances i’mma wake up at 6 and be there by seven! i did not go through a fucking heart attack of a time to get here to NOT be front row.” so she said she was gonna meet up with a friend to get breakfast and that she would show up later. well I got there at 7 am and i was the first one for like 2 hours. honestly i have no idea how i do it, to pass the time i mean. like the show wasn’t until 9 and we spent all day outside just watching shit go by. but the people around us were super cool and raging BN fans which made me heart swell!! plus Jesse FUCKING LACEY walked right by us and was in an art supply store for hours!! i’m not even exaggerating but i heard he was on his phone the whole time and yeah. I didn’t wanna be that fan girl like before so i dropped it and just accepted it. so time came around to go in and right as i get into the part to scan my ticket it isn’t scanning.... i was like no!!!! hurry up i was being an asshole to the dude but he just let me go and my ass ran!!! i left M behind because i was deadset gonna save our spots and yeah we fucking made it center front row. let’s just say the show was a bit of a letdown. first: there was this huge screen in front which from far away looks incredible but from up front it’s just covering and outlining the band.. so that didn’t go up until half way and then came down again which was so fucking annoying!! plus!! they left off on an not so good song to end off on... i mean ur supposed to play an acoustic of best song last but no they did a hardcore one that left EVERYONE confused!! idk everyone after was like wtf tho!! but such a heartwarming part was singing Soco Amm with everyone in the crowd and knowing every word it was so fucking PURE!! During the wait outside before the show i decided to read up on the lyrics and facts which is my afvorite thing to do! i’m that bitch lol. but i was realling listening to the lyrics and Can’t Get it Out came on and i got so fucking teary-eyed holy shit i was shaking. the song about depression and feeling like a failure because nothing has been done although u love creating was so heartbreaking to hear. I decided it was my next tattoo so when this song came on and they played it my ass was crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. it was so good though cause i love love love the feeling of the crowd pushing me against the barricade cause it’s so reminiscent of my youth and shit i rarely ever do anymore. so the show ended and we left looking wrecked and flew back home.

now listening to Science Fiction i already have nostalgia and a fucking deeper love for Brand New i can’t stress it enough my heart will break the day they say it’s finally over ;~;

so work updates? um the shift at Urbane finally fucking left, it’s been months since he’s said he’d leave because things were “so fucked up there” but it was legit all rooted to him. so the manager and the dm sat down with him after multiple attempts to help him and told him he’d been demoted to kitchen cook. he got mad, and then later ranted that he wasn’t going to show up the next day... and he didn’t. legit everyone there is so much happier and less stressed out!! we all commented on the same thing it’s so nice!!

#personal #sorry @ mobiles