#it's worse when im not high. im so tired of the nausea. at this point i don't know what it's tied to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shyrose57 · 3 years

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Brothers anon, im gonna start combing the two separate submissions again cause its getting too short to have them separate I think?

1: His possession messed with memories Ranbob had before, so memories of school friends or playing with Ran were distant to erased. Though after Dreams possession it was also harder to make and keep memories. But thankfully as Ranbob was recovering from Dream and got futher away making memories came eaiser to him, though he'll never get back the memories he lost.

3: Oh he would very quickly grow to regret his decision, but it would be funny. And Benjamin would later admit that while it was annoying and stressful, it was also fun and he was very happy to have his two families meet and generally get along.

8: Everyone is just in shocked silence before Cletus just goes "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!" Oddly happy that Ranboo committed so much arson. Oh definitely, after all the outcasts of society where put there. Of course people would make such negative rumors about Mizu and treat the people as the scum of the earth. Though this also means, people don't know what happened in Mizu, and anyone who knows, view it in a more happy and a "Their finally gone" type of way, then viewing it as the tragedy it was.

Spoons is a card game technically. A group of people sit in a group and everyone gets 4 cards, and you keep discarding at least 1 card of yours to the person on your left, who then does the same to their person on their left, the last person in the group puts a card into a discard pile. The goal is to get 4 of the same cards, and once someone gets 4 of the same cards, that person goes and grabs a spoon in a pile in front of them (let's say there's 5 players, theres only going to be 4 spoons cause there's always a spoon less than the people playing), once they grab one anyone can grab a spoon. And the person who doesn't get a spoon gets a S added to them, once Spoons is spelled the person gets out of the game, and a spoon gets removed to continue the game. Basically for flowers its played the exact same way but with flowers in the middle expect for spoons.

11: I just imagine Dream sulking in a corner as you yell at him and him going like "well I didn't know…" as he kicks a stone. And he wasnt sure what it was, but quickly jumped on the idea that maybe it was the fact that Ran was still alive somewhere, and that that's causing Ranbob to willingly let himself become weak and defy him. Causing Dream to become angrier at Ran and punish Ranbob harder.

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3: During the brothers fight in the storm, and after everyone runs off to find Ranbob, Ran is left alone. And he decides to just wander off into the storm, not protecting himself from the rain so he does get burnt. The whole time he's lost deep in thought and isn't really paying attention. He continues to wander for a whole day unfollowed (because after the Gladiators and Fishermen came back to the cave after finding Ranbob they are in no rush to find Ran and decide to look for him after the storm passes, which takes a full day) and at some point Raq finds him wandering. Which Raq then uses Rans distraction to his advantage and attacks him. At first only really the gladiators where concerned when they found Ran gone. But once they found him blinded and terrified everyone felt awful and a looming sense of guilt. And everyone continued to feel that way, even after they got the antidote and Ran started to see again.

4: They would just leave Ranbob alone and check in on him every now and again. But generally let him deal with it himself. They'd feel guilty leaving him alone, but they also know that they can't really do anything for him as their not prepared or briefed on how to help him in this situation.

10: Oh definitely, even with Ran blinded they would've been kicked out immediately for fighting, without even a second glance. Dont forget, Ran still cares for his brother. And maybe, losing his sight made him face the side of him that wanted to become family again with Ranbob, maybe it brought enough to light that he just can't ignore it anymore. Mostly only negative potions can be permanent, like posion, blinding, wither, and nausea (I know the last like 3/2 are effects but they've also found a way to make effects into potions.). You already know what a antidote for blindness would be. A antidote for wither would be, a ghast tear (actually a basic ingredient for almost every antidote), blaze powder, and glistening melon to make a overpowered healing potion. Antidote for posion would be ghast tear, swiftness (so it acts fast to get rid of the posion), and the 3rd ingredient depends on what kind of posion it was (posion that has a side effect of constricting or filling the lungs with water? Pufferfish and Turtle shell for last ingredients. Posion that has weakness? Blaze powder, and glistening melon) And antidote for nausea would be ghast tear, and potion of slowness to allow the person to slowly feel better, so their nausea doesn't hit them all at once before disappearing, which can cause them to throw up or have side effects.

13: Thats exactly what they did.

14: Jackie will 100% attempt to fight God and no one can stop him. :) (to be honest im not sure yet, I know I want to do more with Raq and have the idea that maybe he could be the person that finds Dream and gets him out of Mizu, but that's pretty often used in stories and I want to try to think of something more unique. Maybe I'll have it so Raq actually manages to capture the brothers or at least one of them and uses them as blackmail?)

15: When Ranbob was a child and Ran was just a baby Ranbob would often take Ran out of his crib and take him to go watch the fish swim by. When Ran was old enough he'd follow Ranbob everywhere, even a few times he managed to sneak into Ranbobs class room and almost wasn't caught. Ran got extremely clingy one day and managed to gather his haunting all up into his arms and carried them around, even though he was obviously struggling. And Ranbob used to complain about his teachers and idiotic classmates whenever he got home, which is funny when you consider Ran was very impressiable at the time and Ran started mimicking Ranbob, leading to him cursing, much to Ranbobs dismay.

And im curious, do you have any questions that I havent answered? Or do you have any ideas for anything? I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about anything honestly!

Course! I dont have much lore wise other than they go to Kelalen and when they hear Dream is still around they decide to stay back to help fight him. But the idea I have is that Karl is just kinda hanging with everyone I listed, talking about allies or treaties when his time traveling clock/watch starts to go off, and he panics, but sadly in his haste to stop it he makes it worse and it grabs everyone, where they end up in the future. After hours of confusion and explaining they calm down. When 2 days later they find the Gladiator and Fishermen group, at first Karl is strongly against going to then for help, but everyone basically ignores him and go to ask for help. Hours of explanation and proof giving later the GF (Gladiator and Fishermen, got tired of writing it out) group sadly tells them that they cant really help. Until Ran (who was previously gone searching the surrounding area and making sure it was safe) appears high up on a tree (cause I just can't get the image of Ran on a tree and looking comfortable and confident as hell out of my head), and says that maybe Kelalen can help, if not going to Foolish may be a good alternative. Isaac, and Grievous are extremely against going back (at this time a 2 months have past since they left Kelalen)n saying it could be dangerous but Ran just aboustely shoots them down, along with Watson and Jackie agreeing with Ran, and Karls group agreeing to it. They head off to Kelalen. And Jackie is extremely excited at the potential of going to see Foolish finally. And it'd probably be like a sub au where the brothers au is the main backbone for it but at a certain point it separates from the au and becomes its own.

1: Okay, ouch. Can you imagine if Ran brought one of those memories up, and just had Ranbob look confused, or horrified, depending on how quick he realizes what happened? How would Ran react to that realization, both before and after he forgives Ranbob?

3: If nothing else, everyone got some laughs from it-even Benjamin, once his friends were far, far away from his family and not able to teach them more chaos.

8: Cletus, why are you so happy? Do you just enjoy knowing chaos existed back then? Are you an arsonist? What’s up with you?

Also, wow. Not cool, other city people, that’s very mean.

Spoons sounds like it’s interesting, I might try it sometime. Did the group just have those cards on them? What other games did they have?

11: Good, put Dream back in the corner, I’m gonna be yelling more. Because, seriously dude? I know you probably exist solely out of spite, but c’mon. Admittedly, from a certain point of view, it could be considered amusing that your first thought was that Ranbob was making himself weaker out of defiance/spite but like. From a more responsible and mature viewpoint, that’s incredibly stupid, and I-just. Buddy, hate to tell you, but I’m pretty sure that’d just be a you thing. Besides you were in Ranbob’s head, didn’t he think Ran was dead? It doesn’t even make sense. Good lord, I’m half-tempted to get the broom and chase you around like you’re a particularly unruly barn cat.

------

3: First of all, that sounds really scary for Ran. Second of all, are we getting an overprotective arc?

4: Kind of sad, but understandable, they’re dealing with the situation as best they can.

10: Even if the group was provoked by the townspeople? Potions sound really cool, wish I could make those in real life, tbh.

13: W-what do you mean ‘that’s exactly what they did’? Anon, is your friend, like, a legit gremlin? I’m spooked.

14: Foolish takes one look at Jackie, wearing a smile that exactly matched Tubbo’s when he was about to cause chaos, and immediately nopes out of that. He knows that face, and he will not be getting tangled into a fight with a goblin child today, no sir. I’m sure Jackie tries regardless though. (Also, that sounds like that goes horribly, do we get an overprotective ender-sibling, for whoever gets captured or used as blackmail, if that’s what you do?)

15: I love all of these so much, oh my gosh. Baby Ran seeing the fishes and following his big brother around. Poor Ranbob’s face when his baby brother cursed one day, Ran trying to carry all of his haunting. I’m in tears, honestly.

Umm...I can’t think of anything right now, to be honest. If I ever do have a question or idea though, I’ll through it on the Brothers AU tag for you to check out, I guess.

Oh, this sounds really cool. The part about them just ignoring their local time traveler when they’ve just time traveled particularly amuses me, as does Jackie wanting to see Foolish-I feel like Foolish may be a little more than terrified to see both Tubbo and Jackie back, honestly. Why was Ran willing to help them so much? What did they do to offer proof? How did Ranbob react once they proved who they were? How does all the group get along? Are they Ranboo’s haunting, and if so, if Ranboo gets close with his descendants, does he merge his hauntings with theirs? How does the time group feel about the Brothers fighting, and Ranbob’s possession?

#Brothers AU #dream smp #dream smp au #tales from the smp #ranbob #tubbo #ranboo #foolish gamers

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rpausandwhatifs · 3 years

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Is This What You Call...Safety?|| Hush Hush

A/N: This is for my friend Jayde for her belated birthday! Enjoy bb!

@ledabunnie-rp @nevergoodenoughforthetruth

Vincent had came to work, but he had gone through his load entirely too fast. He was mostly at the hands of one guy- and he was the host. However, it was too late to really think about it before the drugs had set in, causing the man to stumble and fumble as the pills he took before the party mixed with the lean in the cup he finished while making sales. He was a blurry mess and somehow guided his way to the closest bathroom he found in a part of this rented house where most of the goers in this area were having sex or chatting it up so they could hear. He pushed past them, going into the first open door and falling into it. “Oh..fuck..” he muttered as he almost collided with the wall, feeling the tile and touching the wall as the spinning continued and he found his way into the toilet, vomiting immediately before finding the flush lever.

Leda forgot that she didn’t lock the door, so the really cute boy in the skin tight chinos and boots with the long hair barged in it scared her half to death. She put her 3DS down and slid her headphones off, about to bang on the glass chamber that was the stand alone shower until something stopped her and it just made her watch the man try to recover as he lit a cigarette.

The man propped himself up and crawled to the top of the toilet and threw the lid down as he took another drag, trying to see where the light switch was even though there was a hue of red and purple from the string lights. Quickly giving up on his adventure he threw up one more time into the bowl and sat up on the closed toilet, dragging his cigarette while he let the cool porcelain calm him down. He heard the distant movements in the shower and pryed one eye open to barely see a girl with turquoise hair in a rave outfit with a backpack or something staring at him in a clear box. "Who's in the shower?" He calls out, rocking his head back and forth fighting the nausea.

"I'm here in spirit..I don't exist," Leda said back, weary at how he was able to spot her.

"That's the most human thing I've ever heard from a spiritual entity," he laughs and scoffs, "That's a cute voice you got, you have a name oh spirit?"

"I'm... not telling you that.." she said, "And you die from a heart attack in here im not saving you."

"Are...you... you're in here.. you're human- fuck i can't see- are you in the shower? Is that why you sound like that?" He asked with a small joke, "Wanna cigarette?"

"Maybe.. if you can't see then how are you smoking and offering me one?" She challenged him.

"Muscle memory. You'd be surprised how many things you can do automatically.. Just with your arms and hands..." he trailed off, "Also you didnt drink out of the cup when you got here? You sound like... crazy sober."

"No..I didn't, Felix told me about it before the party and I just-"

"Wanted to keep your clout you came to this party even though you didn't want to, but you didn't wanna let your friends down, but you didnt wanna just sit at home on a Friday night again..I heard something close, did you bring a video game?" He said.

"Shut the fuck up, Vincen-"

"Ohhh you do know me... interesting. It must be because of Felix... speaking of, wonder who he's got down his throat...Ah, I'll worry about it later...I thought I knew his friends.." he muses, I would remember an ethereal voice like yours.."

"I...I..." she was stuck, she shouldn't have said his name, "Thanks for the compliment, can you go back to quietly being too fucked up on drugs to acknowledge me now?"

"Actually...I've overstayed my welcome at this place anyway.. there's a guy in here and he's... less than thrilled his house got rented out for the debauchery that is horny college students," he mentioned, slowly lowering himself on the floor and crawling to Leda, placing himself against the wall, facing straight ahead with the girl in what would be his peripheral.

Leda's ears perked up, he knows there's a spirit in here? Was he just pulling her leg or what? His eyes were still closed but his voice sounded way better up closer than across the large bathroom. The crackles and creaks of it made her nervous. "There isn't anyone in here," she claims supposedly.

"No... he's dead. The house was sold to a PM that rents houses out for events and vacations..he likes the renovation though...He showed me he carried you in here," Vincent said, "You woke up and immediately tried to protect yourself in the shower."

"Now you're making shit up," she called out wrapping on the glass box.

"If I'm making shit up then how'd you get in here?" He asked and was met with silence, "You don't remember... do you?..He told me you just kinda walked out your house with the lights on.. guess he didn't want you to get hurt- but seriously, how did you not drink the syrup at the door?"

"I poured it out when no one was looking and washed out the cup with vodka and hoped an appletini would calm me down.. cus I got really anxious being around everybody pushing everyone and the music is too loud..." she started, drawing her knees to her chest, "He scared the shit out of me."

Vincent laughed, "Yeah that's how i was when i saw him standing in the middle of the room... Did you want the cigarette? Also i have a valium if you want one.."

Leda smiled when he laughed, feeling way better that someone other than her could see spirits and understood possession. She knew what valium was, and just one couldn't hurt with a cigarette cutting it up, "He tell you how he died?"

"Wife poisoned him.. then shot him.. didn't take the divorce very well... sounds like a gold-digging bitch anyway," Vincent said as he used his to light another for her.

"Wow... you don't wanna share?" She gasped quietly as she slid her hand out of a crack in the door to take the cig.

"That.. would mean I get closer... didn't think you'd want that.. you know who I am..I'm the drug dealer on this campus... You don't know what I'm capable of.." he warns her, finally looking into the glass at the door, "I sold all the things I have so anything at this point is personal stock.. but..I couldn't keep a freebie from a cutie like you holy shit...If I could see you like he showed me, I dunno if I could contain myself.. What color is your hair?" He leans into the glass as his head starts spinning again almost muttering his words. He gets up and takes out a Tic-Tac, fumbling his way to the sink and crunching on it as he washed his mouth out on the faucet, wetting his face and wiping it on a towel before bringing the damp cloth to the floor. He stumbled back to the huge glass chamber on his hands and knees, opening the door and crawling over her and excusing himself before settling next to her.

Leda was shaken to her core at his words, and forgot that he was probably on a few different drugs and high on something else. She couldn't get her mouth to open to create the words. She quickly forgot the question and watched with wide eyes as she no longer was terrified of opening the door when Vincent pushed it back and crawled to her. She was almost shaking as he excused himself. "Purple a-and pink," she stammered, "I have to dye it again..I'm doing black with tips.."

"Hm..i see," Vincent said with a weak nod, pushing his wet hair back again as he exhaled, "I'm sorry I'm trying to come down and this shit is coming in like... waves and.. fuck~"

"What is it specifically?" She asked, taking him in, he looks so interesting yet her eyes darted back to the toilet across the room, "And don't worry I don't need the valium right away..”

"Ah shit right.. the valium.. doing what weed has done for years since the 70s," he chided as he fished a pill bottle out of his pocket, then handing her two pills of different shape and color.

"What's that?" She quickly asked.

"Muscle relaxant..that's for you too..helps the valuim, no psychoactive side effects to speak of...reduces lactic acid," he mentioned, relighting her cig, "I have friends in pharmaceutical chemistry.. they really hook me up and in return they get paid in weed.. down the hatch."

Leda's heart was racing at how he sounded so close to her, lighting her up like a gentleman even as a slumped mess. She smoked quietly as he had fallen into another unconscious stupor while the drugs were doing their job. They were working faster than she expected. "Vincent..." she called to the ceiling, "I'm tired.."

"I thought you would be..i forgot to tell you it acts fast.. but you're fine I promise," he mentioned.

"No I feel amazing, I just...I need something soft to lay on," she sighed.

"How about we go to one of the suites?" He offered, "I can see now if my legs will work."

They get up, getting out of the bathroom in search for unoccupied rooms. Settling on the empty pool house, where they found an open skylight in the bathroom since the doors were locked. They bust in and find the bedroom, resuming their conversation in this California simple and dainty king bed.

"Why'd you lock the bathroom door?" She asked as she lit her own cig even though she just begged him for it.

"You always do that at college parties if you create another entrance to the bathroom.." he said simply laying back on the end of the bed with his legs planted to the floor, bending his head up to see the girl snuggled in his jacket, twisting his body to lay on his stomach, "uhhmm yeah, you lock the door behind you at any party because frat boys with give you a swirly or worse..or someone who's eager to use the bathroom and they're too fucked up to be aware so they do it on you-"

"Ugh that's gross!" She exclaimed, laughing lightly, really allowing herself to enjoy this guy that she barely knew and at most should have hated. He just was so sweet and up her alley for her to ever admit but he undoubtedly made an effort to come to this party for her. She hadn't realized until she looked down and saw him looking up at her again from her feet. She could kill for his eyes and the way he collapsed on her legs to just touch them, it was sending electricity as dull needy aches through her body. "Vincent~... what are you doing?"

"Admiring your body... listening to you talk.. thinking about how i can get my jacket back," he croaks stretching a little, lightly throwing his head back on the bed, "What you thinking?"

"Have you come down yet?" She asked cutely, and instantly panicked at her casual feelings of interaction with him.

"Not all the way, I'd have to sleep it off mostly or something...sex also resets the clock, but...we're not doing that," he mentions while he rubs his eyes, checking his phone.

Her chest caved when he mentioned sex, and even though he wasn't offering it up, she just wondered what it would feel like to be that close with a guy like him. If this is all he usually did, outside of being a homewrecker as she's heard, then maybe he's not a creep. Girls do lie in college for any reason, but always putting themselves at an advantage. "Uhh.." seeped out of her mouth before she bit her lip and tried to disguise that.

"You know I'm looking right at you, right?" He says to her, giggling at her embarrassment, "Don't feel like you have to...I know you've got a problem with peer pressure-"

"I don't!...I don't have a problem with peer pressure..shut up!" She bit at him.

"Rawr...calm down kitty cat, put the claws away..Im just saying. Me mentioning sex kinda made you think," Vincent said, "When's the last time you got some..if you have gotten any- cus I have came across a few virgins..."

"Were they virgins when you were done with them?" She asked tongue in cheek.

"Mostly. I respeected that they didn't want sex...and they're firm in their beliefs that they're still a virgin if thou therein whereto receive or produce cunnilingus... they just want neverending head. It's heroine to them," he explains gesticulating to make it interesting and twisting his voice.

"Isn't that a good thing?" She asked, loosening her grip on the pillow she was holding.

"I don't mind it... but sometimes they're horrible at head and that's all they can do. Girls at this school count the ass too, so even face-fucking is a far cry."

"Oh..okay...Uhhh..I haven't thought about it, honestly.. been kinda dealing with my issues over having sex. The stories I hear about hooking up really have weirded me out.." she's admitted.

"Are you a virgin?" He asked, exaggerating his inflection.

"Unfortunately no.. well, I consider myself a born-again...I don't really remember a lot of the sex I used to have, and since it was... traumatic, to say the least, I'd rather act like it didn’t happen and get more memorable experiences, cus...I heard it's fun if done right," she explained.

"It is...I'll keep it in mind.." he nodded with a smirk, sighing as a weak wave passed thru him.

"Yeah.. but.. you've peaked my curiosity, honestly," she jumped up to say, causing Vincent to turn his head and raise an eyebrow.

"I hardly think that's fair," he said with a giggle, "You took a valium and a muscle relaxant..you'll never cum or cum too much. Im fucked up, and not exactly of consenting or open to communicating during sex like you might need me to..."

"That's... true.. then why touch my legs if you weren't going to?" She asked, a little frustrated, kicking her legs a little.

"See? That's what I'm talking about!... Acting like a brat when you haven't asked for anything," he said, giggling.

"But...I..." she started, realizing herself that he was right.

"You didn't straight up ask for sex.. you implied that it interests you..I can't start anything off implications," he explained, sitting up.

"I know how consent works, don't fucking patronize me!" She snapped shoving his chest with her foot. He falls back and rolls his eyes, which makes her more riled up, throwing his jacket on the floor.

"Leda.. what the fuck?" He asked sitting up on his knees to look at his jacket, "What the hell is your problem?"

"Don't act all fucking innocent! I know you.. you're a damn dog and you would've had me 5 ways to Sunday by now! Rosanna told me how creepy and controlling you are-"

"Thaaaaat's who it is... see i knew it sounded familiar.. You're her rogue drone! I just didn't realize... are you spying on me? Did she send you?" He jumped up once he realized why she knew him, her name would come up with he spoke to Rosanna, possibly whenever they were speaking again.

"Wh-No! She's not even at this party! She's with Mark!" She fussed, "It doesn't mean she's wrong..."

"Uh that's exactly what the fuck it means-"

"Why should I listen to you?" She prodded, folding her arms.

"You've got this fucking far! Wouldn't you want to at least understand my side? Ms. Confectionery Prodigy got some skeletons of her own," he was quick to explain how they had a fleeting relationship that was mostly roleplay meetings and oral and heavy petting. Leda wasn't entirely convinced and he made her promise not to tell anyone before he showed their messages leading up until the first 3 months she was dating Mark. It was Ro no doubt. Her fantastical language and promptness in response, pastry emojis as her signature. Cookie's toys in her explicit pictures.

"That's ridiculous..so she just left you for dead?" Leda asked, knowing she just swore never to speak of this, but she had some questions because he'd seen a side of her not even Mark has seen. And probably never will. "Why?" She asked simply.

"Said I reminded her of her ex. She was in deep with the guy.. he was older so she felt like her freedom in her youth had kinda been held back, so she went after me and Mark because she just... found herself in the middle of being young at heart but feeling grown and confident...I guess.. but she's always worried about her lies being found out and she loves a secret if she can help it," he said with a shrug, "They way she spoke about him, I'd love to drink with him, but, she's just happy where she is and who was I to stop her? If she hadn't made me a villain then she would have lost everything- from her confidence to her credibility."

"So you just... leave her alone? That's..that's," Leda was almost at a loss, but it was both the most mature and childish and high school thing she had ever heard. This felt like the heaviest thing she's encountered in a while.

"Not for you to think about," Vincent said, quickly and low as he had inched closer to brush her hair behind her ear, "Humans are complex creatures.. weaving these dangerous webs of lies and history.. you should always worry about your own but don't ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt.."

Leda couldn't handle his gentle touch or his words, she wanted to still be mad and hate him for it but she didn't know how. She wanted to be mad at Ro for being such a hypocrite but most of that was pushed back when she felt his lips on her jawline. It made her shudder and lean into him, submitting herself into the kiss that could replace her first kiss. She wanted more, she wanted him. Her mouth pushed out little sounds against him, whining quietly when he pulled back and breathed with a smile. "Vincent~" she breathed, her head in a tizzy.

"You want it don't you?" He asked, his lower voice sending shivers through her body.

"Can I have more, though, ..of what you gave me?" She asked, "I-"

"Later, okay?.. You'll be fine without it," he interrupted her with a soft smile and backing up to give her space to breathe and rubbing her back.

“Uhm...I feel like-”

“You’re overwhelmed...it’s okay. You seem confused, and it scares you a little...”

“I wouldn’t say it scares me..I just have never related to someone I now wish I hadn’t met..so much so..Because..Rosanna...Rosanna would-” the girl gasped and controlled her hollow breathing, definitely happy she had his hand on her back to focus on.

“You don’t know what Rosanna would do..and you really thought you’d known her..is that it?” he asked.

“Y-Yes!..N-No~! I-I mean...I don’t know how I feel~ I’m really into you, but...but why me?!” she asked looking at him with slight exasperation.

“You look like you deserve not to be living in someone’s shadow just because you don’t see yourself that way,” he answered.

“Is that what you said to Rosanna?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“No..what I said to Rosanna to start our whole fling is..vastly different from just us talking about a mutual friend-”

“What about my current state makes you think I’m gonna be friends with her-”

“You wouldn’t throw her away for me..”

Leda leered at the Vincent and clenched her jaw, knowing that this whole night was something she’d throw her whole life away just so she’d know where in the world he’d whisk her away to and for how long. “And what if I did?” she asked at a low whisper.

“What do you think you’d deserve for doing that? Because I definitely didn’t ask you to renounce your gods and join my great legion of the undead...”

“This would totally work if I was a Virgo or a Taurus, but I’m a Leo, so you must not understand-”

“I’m a Sagittarius, and I’m attempting to be very patient but since I know I don’t have to I’ll call you stupid to your face. That would be one of the dumbest decisions you could make but the fact that I make you feel like you’d rather make that decision than live with the ‘what-ifs’ or knowing that you could never look at Rosanna the same way again because I arouse you intellectually and emotionally-”

“Don’t forget sexually-”

“And sexual- Really?” Vincent looked over at her.

“You talk a lot, I see why she liked you...”

“You hate talking about yourself-”

“I can talk about myself-”

“You can’t even tell me you want to have sex with me let alone that you like me..also, I feel like that should be thought about after tonight...given the circumstances,” Vincent sitting up, backing away from her more. It causes the girl to stare at him at the loss of touch completely, pushing out a frustrated sigh. The air was tight to her, but Vincent rolled his eyes and pulled the glass rod from his jacket pocket in front of her and smoked out of it.

“So...could you maybe stop being an aloof prick and explain to me how to get laid?” she said while pulling the ponytail out of her hair and taking the rod from his fingers and smoking out of it.

“You want to fuck me specifically or you want some faceless hookup?” he asked giggling.

“What exactly is a faceless hookup, Vincent?” she asked, her eyes meeting his again for the first time in a while and still couldn’t keep herself together. His hand was gently over hers and she deciding on playing with his fingers, biting her lip.

“Well, first off, you’d have to take off your clothes...then I’d suggest a brief makeout session before first or second base- given that my way of doing these things is slow mostly-”

“I dunno if I have the patience for slow,” Leda said quickly as she slid off the side of the bed and stood up, pulling her pants down and deciding to undo the knot that kept her shirt up, hiding her midriff. Then got back to Vincent as he tried to watch, but his mind flowed with ideas. He pushed himself forward, planting his feet on the floor and taking off his boots. He looked up at Leda, who was waiting for him patiently, which made him smirk as he stood up and gave way to his jeans.

“You don’t have the patience for slow?” he echoed.

“Nah, never did. Guys usually don’t take their time with me or they had made up their minds already and I hadn’t gotten a choice,” she explained, hoping her shirt hid her thighs rubbing together at the crooner in front of her. She could feel her anxiety rise in an interesting way as Vincent saw right through her. “Vincent-” she didn’t mean to breathe.

He raised his eyebrows as he heard the wind whisper his name, and he quickly moved around her to make the back of her more aligned to the back of the bed. She gasped a little as she heard his phone and wallet hit the nightstand and did a magician’s gesture to make a condom appear between his fingers, “Not yet, though.”

“Why?” she asked.

“You tell me,” he said, gently taking her waist into his hands and Leda could barely hold in her exhale and moan as it felt so slight as her body moved into it. All of the thoughts started flooding and so did the memories. She felt like he could be there at any second, but there was Vincent blocking him. Her body ached a bit at how he just froze. “Your lips look so soft and plush..and I like your hair down like this.”

The girl tried to hide, but it was met with another squeeze, “V-Vincent~” she sputtered as he kept yanking her out of her head, feeling the muscle relaxants and the weed mix.

“You alright, babe?” he asked softly in her ear, being sure to not touch her elsewhere. Leda didn’t understand why she felt this way.

“No..” her voice shook as she gulped, “My head’s going crazy but my body’s not..and I want to be terrified, but that’s..just..not what I’m feeling...What was in that tube thing?..” She finally asked.

“Weed obviously...not even the stuff I sold tonight. It’s a preview from the guy I buy off of-”

“I don’t really smoke grass-”

“Is it because THC can be a psychostimulant?”

“Ye-yes!..I feel like-” she cut herself off and took in his cologne instead. She couldn’t let him know what all she was thinking. It wouldn’t make sense. She would look more certifiably crazy then. Her mouth pushed out half of moan as she exhaled his scent where she tasted the cigarette and the fact they had been at a college house party.

“I was gonna tell you to take a deep breath but you did it already-”

“Are you...Are you gonna fuck me or not?” she balled up her fists.

“If you would let me fucking finish and stop interrupting me solely to say something that would piss me off then yes!” Vincent said as he let her sides go and folded his arms.

“Not my fault you drugged me and are taking your time..” she folded hers and looked away from him, not wanted to meet his eyes.

“So what, I was supposed to brazenly assau- Ooooohhhhhh....You’re not mad at me..And...I just became mad at myself for realizing it-”

“What?” she asked, whipping her head towards his.

“You don’t know how to enjoy it, because you’ve never been given the option..nor the opportunity,” he mentioned, returning his hands to her sides quickly.

“What?!” Leda asked, more surprised and now sent back through those thoughts of him touching her again, “You do-don’t know if I-”

“You told me you did..I dunno if it changed..did it?” putting slightly more pressure to allow her to embrace him.

“Ugh~..no..” she once again cursed herself on the inside from only getting a hug from being revved up by his hands lingering on her waist and lower back. Part of her just wanted to let go, or at least tell him to- since part of her completely trusted him. He passed the tests. He was so close to figuring her out and it angered her how clandestine he could carry himself through it all. Her body relaxed into the long hug and waited for this to not be real. For Vincent to pop a hard-on or something so that she knew he was doing all of this because he was still plastered and wanted to bed her. It was hard to expect him to do that when he would talk and his hands wouldn’t really move. And when he moved he tried to stay quiet. Leda’s arms started to move once again, snaking her arms up and crossed them behind his neck, “B-be...be gentle, alright?” she pulled back slightly to meet his eyes- gods those eyes- and his hair in his face before kissing him.

Leda was at Vincent’s again, no longer afraid of him or his touch, if anything, he’s the only one whom she trusted. Before she would be ready to fight if anyone tried to touch her, and obviously Vincent was given exclusive access. However, Vincent had to always do something to salvage their experiences, and there were times where he didn’t have it in him.

The fresh couple lived through such a visceral honeymoon stage that Leda couldn’t think that a guy could have loved her more than the one who was after Cameron. She tried so hard not to think about it. One evening Leda was excitedly waiting for Vincent in the car while he made a sale. This is how they started dating and it just became something she found herself doing before she stopped staying in her dorm and sleeping at Vincent’s apartment. He came back and put everything in the trunk before getting in the car and only resting his head in his arms over the steering wheel with a huge sigh.

“Baby..you ok?” she asked as she sat up and rubbed his back.

“No..” he said quietly, desperately trying to keep himself together.

“Well..we..we gotta go..or..are we going somewhere?” Leda said, looking up and looking around.

“I have to go back in there...It’s not like..I mean you don’t care right?” he finally says when he sits up and pushes his hair back.

“How can you even ask me that question?” Leda looked at him, coming off louder than she expected, “What do you mean?”

“We’re not...This isn’t..Look it’s a party in there and...I wanna be single tonight. Like my boss, he’s- fucking treating me to the party in there and I can’t tell him you’re in here and you don’t do parties so-”

“I never said I don’t do parties. I don’t do party drugs and uncomfortable situations-”

“Your whole life is an uncomfortable situation, Leeds,” Vincent chuckles lightly, reaching in a pocket for his cig he started before he went in the first time, “It’s not gonna take me that long, babe..”

“Wait! You’re actually going back to the party?” she pushed her hand on his chest, then shook her head slowly, “What the fuck?”

“I’m going back in, yes. To enjoy the party? No...To probably get my dick sucked by a drunk Sean McLoughlin cus he’s been walled up and he said he would?..Yea-” he gave her some theatrics before turning away.

“NOO!” she snatched his shoulder, “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“What? You’re not going to do anything about it. And it’s not gonna change anything with..us..per say...it’s just I’m having sex with Sean tonight,” he tried to explain.

“I’m not fucking stupid! That’s if I allowed you to! Who put you at the head of this relationship?” she looked at him, perplexed and angry.

“Who put you at the head of this relationship? Listen, half of this problem is the fact that I fuck other people. The other half would be the disrespect of dishonesty and I’m not giving you that!” he said trying to deescalate the situation.

Leda was so upset and couldn’t believe that he was just trying to brush off cheating in her face. He had brought up a few good points, so maybe he doesn’t understand how this hurts her, “Ok but you’re not respecting my additional choices, the fact that I may feel some type of way about it- You just came in here and told me you’re gonna fuck Sean!”

“Is it because it’s Sean specifically?” he asked, pulling back a little.

“Urgh! No! Well-..no, because...I should call Mark because he should be home right now,” Leda tried to say, feeling caught up by his question and now enraged that she felt anything because he was still in the wrong.

“We can drop him off,” he shrugged and chuckled before looking over to her, “Oh come on! I wouldn’t not stop the car or anything like that. I’d make sure he’s sober or at least hydrated...but he looks like he could blow off some steam and he gets a safe ride home. You can bring him in his dorm, tuck him in, let Mark know he got back in one piece- fuck! Knowing Musclebound Buffpants he’s probably on his way because Sean probably called him accidentally on purpose.”

“He’s with Ro tonight..she told me he’s being held hostage for the night,” she interjected with not as much energy, “Why won’t you take him in? You’re the guy!”

“I’m in the running to apply for Alpha president..I don’t have good luck with being seen in a good light..You know that, you came from the factory,” Vincent scoffed, before finishing the cig and flicking the butt out of the window and blowing the smoke with it, “And so because Ro is with her future husband, you have to play pretend with me?”

“No! Can’t we just...like hang out?! What the fuck is your problem?” Leda snapped at him, throwing her hands up.

“This! This moment right now and everything about it is my problem, Leda!” Vincent snapped back, “Answer me this, am I your boyfriend?”

“No, I-”

“Right. Not your boyfriend. And you’re not my girlfriend. You won’t let us call us an us...and why is that again?”

“Because you’re a fucking prick.”

“Ah no..sorry, we were looking for you care too much about Ro’s opinion and your social status with her friendship.”

“No I fucking don’t! I don’t need to be with her like that!” she defended weakly.

“Listen, if you don’t like what I’m doing then take my car and do whatever the fuck you want and I’ll call you in an hour. Go back to my place, go fuck someone else, go have a some weird lesbian fantasy about your best friends and deny it in an attempt to keep them because you know you don’t have a chance. Go hang with someone else, actually fucking take your meds and do your homework for once-”

“Shut up, Vincent!” she yelled as she shoved him, causing him to abruptly get up, slamming the door shut and wrangling his car key off his ring and tossing it in the car. Leda had screamed when he shut the door, holding her arms up defensively as she heard the keys fly into the car through the driver’s window and hit the dashboard.. the girl cried for several minutes and contemplated going into the party, but it was too dangerous. She realized she shouldn’t have come with him. She takes his car and has a night out of her own, knowing Charlie was probably aching for some human contact.

Vincent couldn’t believe he actually was able to move in. He was already so excited to be the Alpha house president, even if not everyone agreed with him. Rosanna dutifully worked under him and kept herself busy, vowing to herself and to Mark that they almost never see one another unless it concerns the house. Vincent could still see every moment they had together. He doesn’t ignore her lingering looks and touches while they tried to quickly check and proof records and evaluations and documents for the house. She didn’t regret no looking back when she could still steal glances from the very corners of her eyelids and faintly think of Mark for a second. Allowing their imagery, their voices, their strength to overtake her for a fleeting moment before she was brought back and remembered the business at hand.

Since Leda disappeared with his car a few weeks back, Vincent hadn’t a clue what came over her after one fight on one night. She hadn’t known where she’d gone, but didn’t know what Cyr had done with the things of hers that she left. She went up to the registry and seen that Cyr lived in Alpha now. She had remembered him very vaguely discussing running for Alpha president, but hadn’t really cared about it at the time- she thought he wouldn’t get it. Vincent was going over the printout of the proposal for an event that Rosanna had suggested to boost revenue and new pledge turnout when he got a shiver, and it made him play it off by rolling his neck. “You ok?” Ro cooed, rubbing his shoulders, Vincent sinking in.

The girl had found out that he had done away with his off-campus apartment for Greek Row, so she took the long walk going up from the office. Ro hadn’t been this sweet on him, and she didn’t know what came over her in this moment to try her luck- to see if it still pulled the same, to see if it was still like lighting a fuse, to see if he remembered her. She couldn’t help herself taking in his relaxation into her hands and watching him push his glasses off, “Ah..yeah uh...You’re just gonna have to come back for the second..revision...tomorrow- I..I don’t think I’m gonna get this done,” he said, rubbing his face and taking a few more breaths before taking both her hands in his swiftly and gently, bringing them on top of one another, and closing them in his as he directed her to come from behind him. He locked eyes with her as he slowly stood up, towering over her as he let her hands fall, hearing the light gasp as her hands fell. The lanky man turned back around, having already excusing himself past her to start gathering the papers on the table, at her noise, “You alright, doll?” he asked plainly and still killed her.

Leda knew somewhere that maybe if she could admit her side of the story, things would be smoother. She could definitely talk to Ro about Cyr than to Cyr about Ro, and since no one can know, it felt even more important. She admired all the people around and the new faces for a mundane weekday on campus as she strolled onto Greek Row, seeing the lights on and the Congratulations banner still up from his apparent celebration. Vincent felt the shiver again as he put his shirt back on and played it off by adjusting it. Ro was long gone, but it was another isolated moment of quick stimulation. All she ever wants is to be touched, and he knew all the right spots and loved the noises she made when he did get them just the right way. It didn’t worry Leda much that Ro wasn’t answering her phone at this time of day, she probably fell asleep after a brisk walk with Cookie. Joey sang her praises for her return and spoke of the boy who’s car she’d stolen and no longer had. “Leda~..wow...I wasn’t sure what happened, but you can come get all your stuff- uh...I dunno if you wanna talk or anything-”

“Who is she?” Leda asked, pushing past him and wiped her finger across his lips then showing him, “Whoever it is, it’s a cute color..”

“Leda, I think you owe me an explanation-” he said flatly, pulling off his shirt entirely and wiping his face.

“Is my room in here still good?” she asked as she immediately started picking out and finding clothes. She was safe here again, she didn’t need to hide.

“I let them give it up for more room, we had an influx of- Stop that...Leda, talk to me-” he said, strolling over before getting a hand to the chest.

“Congrats on becoming President, baby~! How about..we celebrate?..Just you and me! Just like before! Hm? I wanna take a shower first, though, cus I’ve been...traveling all day,” she led him into the bathroom as she turned the shower on.

“Can we talk while you shower?” he asked, standing and filling the doorway, “You know this whole suite is mine. So it really is just us.”

“Nah..you, me, the spirits I brought with me and that are on these grounds, the gods and goddesses, and Rosanna’s lace dainties?” she said as she picked the light lace cheeky underwear on the bathroom floor, “Let me take my shower alone, please.”

Vincent sat out and cleaned up his room a little bit, chain-smoking as he wasn’t sure what was going to happen when the girl got out of the bathroom. Leda didn’t really understand how she felt the way she did, and why she wasn’t angry at Ro. Why was it a little more interesting to know she was still going to Cyr to get her rocks off? She opened the door to Vincent’s surprise, not wearing anything else but her t-shirt bra and a dainty lace thong. Her hair falling over her curves just right, and he couldn’t help but follow her with his eyes. She had grown up into her shape more, maybe not as much colour on her still plush soft skin, but there’s now tattoos and her hair is as vibrant a colour can be when he met her. She smiled at him, even though she wasn’t smiling on the inside, and she straddled his waist on his bed. She lured him into a kiss and an energy boost he’d missed from her- the world felt more at balance and it made sense with their lips pushed together. “I missed you..so much..” he breathed, unable to hold back his overwhelming comfort.

“Your car broke down and I left it on the side of the road in Oregon..I sold the drugs out the trunk and ran into some ex...problems,” Leda started, “Did some cat and mouse and travelling and yeah..I..I missed you, too Vincent~”

“That’s fine...but..why’d you leave in the first place?” Vincent asked laying back as she worked on kissing his neck and grinding. The girl stopped and avoided his eyes, “Leda...Leda baby you can tell me..I’ve been waiting about a year to know...” he reassured her as he leaned up to embrace her and kiss her shoulder.

“I-....I..He said he was gonna find me, and the stick had a plus on it and I was gonna show you when we got home, but even I didn’t wanna go home so...” she stiffened as she explained, moving her fringe out of her face, shrugging.

“You were pregnant?” he asked, eyes immediately darting down, “Did you lose it?”

“I...I just didn’t want you to get upset and I didn’t want him to find me if I-”

“Ok Ok...I don’t care about that..What happened to the baby, Leda?” he asked her pulling her in and rubbing her back.

“I lost her...” her voice broke, “I can’t have kids...he’ll find me. He did this to me...”

“Hey, hey, hey...Hey, look at me, Leeds. Alright?..I’m not mad about the car..I’m not mad that you had to handle things with your ex..and I’m not mad about the baby...” Vincent said, “I just wanted to know if you were ok..And that I wasn’t holding your stuff and you didn’t need it anymore..”

Leda couldn’t help her tears and was so glad she had a fresh naked face to let herself cry in. “I-I-It’s not that I didn’t want her, I just..she didn- I dunno what happened...” she tried to say while she cried.

“It’s alright, babe..Don’t worry. She’ll come when she’s ready, okay? And when she does I have no doubt she’ll be as beautiful, smart, and creative as her wonderful mother,” Vincent said, rubbing her back some more, “Listen, next time you get knocked up, I’ll take care of you...I’ll make sure nothing happens to you...I’ll keep you safe.”

“Vincent~ you can’t..no one can..he’s always gonna find me,” Leda whined, shaking her head quickly, “He’ll kill you.”

“Not if I kill him first and even then, I’m giving all of this to you. You deserve not to worry. You deserve safety, babe,” he said, “Is that why you were at my apartment?’

“Yes, but you don’t live there anymore-”

“I’m subleasing until I graduate from here...or I get tired of these people finally,” he chided.

“And how long do you think that’s going to last?..Especially if it’s you and Ro..” she started chuckling lightly.

“I don’t think it’s gonna be me and Ro for much longer, anyway,” he sighs, letting the girl off his lap and onto his bed as he got up to start turning the lights down and closing off his room from his office, “Don’t get me wrong- it’s exciting! It really is, but she shouldn’t be doing that. She’s...gonna need that wakeup call.”

Leda sat and waited for him and lit one of his cigs from the box on the nightstand even though he opted for the little glass tube, “What do you mean?”

“She’s still careless, she’s playing with fire...She didn’t want everybody to know but she’s had-like- two scares...She’s gonna tell you when she finds out that you’re back,” he said, hushing his voice like she was in his office. Leda was shocked to say the least, but she liked Vincent for that: he held onto the only side of her she was never proud of.

“Like...pregnancy scares-”

“No STI- yes pregnancy scares! Told me that she didn’t want to get rid of the kid but didn’t want to think of losing the life she was building with Mark and wanted all of the kids she had to be in their happily ever after or whatever shit...you know Rosie..” Vincent snapped, clearly still emotional and indignant, smoking more frequently as he stress-cleaned his room. Leda was stunned. It wasn’t exactly something she expected from someone who craved so much stability and control- safety.

“How...”

“She disappeared. Like three times, She told everyone she went to visit family. I saw her and she stayed with me for like..a few days..and we just hung out how she wanted us to. She never left because nobody could know that she was back yet. So when she did return it was like she picked up Cookie from the sitter on her way home from the airport...I liked it, but..when she told me all of that over those days and she told me about being President and how she would eventually hate me enough to overthrow me and then she’ll have her life with Mark and I’ll leave the Youni...”

“So then...when’s the last time you saw Ro?” Leda asked, frightened slightly by what she heard. And part of her wanted to fight her. It wasn’t much of her business but as a friend and as a human that’s not something she should get away with.

“You didn’t see her going to the Vice President’s suite?..Or the girls’ side? Kitchen?...Cus she literally just left when you had knocked on my door,” Vincent paused and stared at her with a squint.

“Nope,” Leda admitted shaking her head and threw her hands up, “Honestly I didn’t really get here until I told you I lost the baby and by then I kinda knew that I could let it go I guess..because now I feel fine..”

“Weird...I had a weird feeling the whole time she was here that someone was coming..I didn’t think they were alive so I didn’t think anything of it...This is all..you know, Indigenous grounds, not necessarily burial, but sacred space tends to pop up when they’re talking...”

“That’s weird...but highly likely..Western U.S. does have some crazy energy pockets,” Leda said, blushing a little that he knew she was coming, “Are they leftover or residual? The panties, I mean..” She giggled.

“I couldn’t tell ya, but I’d have to guess that she left those in my bathroom because it was very apparent she wasn’t wearing any, but I thought she had come over commando..Didn’t think she committed to the idea while she was in the bathroom. I guess that’s what she’s gonna wait for me to say something about. Can’t lie, I’m gonna miss how smart she is,” he said with a smile and waves of realization of what he liked about the girl after not knowing for so long.

“Clearly not smart enough,” Leda scoffed, “If she’s pulling the ‘I had to go to my mother’s for a summer so I can have an abortion and therapy’ this early in the relationship and they’re still going strong, maybe it’s that you’re not gonna judge her and she can kinda reward herself with you and vice versa- definitely a karmic soulmate...” She smiled again as she realized that they might be a particular soulmate or at least spiritual partner. “Vincent, sit down, please,” she asked sweetly. He sat back down and she rubbed his shoulders, sighing, “I’m sorry, Vince...Like that’s really shitty and I’m..so..sorry, babe..but like that’s what happens when you gamble.”

“It would help if you’d taken responsibility for running out on me fucking months ago,” Vincent bit at her, “Maybe I wouldn’t have leaned on her so much...chasing fucking waterfalls,” he scoffed.

“Wow you’re really gonna sit here and blame me?” she backed up, raising her voice.

“No! I said take some fucking responsibility! Like do you understand how you’re no better sometimes?” he said.

“Oh my- FUCK YOU! Who the fuck are you?!” Leda snapped, shoving his shoulder and getting up.

“Will you keep your voice down?!” he whispered quickly standing up and taking her arm in his hand gently.

“Don’t fucking touch me!-”

“Or what?! You’ll scream? Ro’s gonna come rushing back in here to check on me to find what? Us fucking fighting about her and as far as she knows you dropped out of school,” Vincent breathed, “No one..and I mean no one..knows about any of that.-”

“WHy are you still trying to defend her?!” she growled as she fights him.

“Same reason I defend you, but not the same because you’re not about to marry some meathead to forget your slutty phase,” he mentioned and the girl released her grip, “Also again with the dick jealousy and arousal over your friend and you screwing me.”

“Stop saying that! It’s not fucking true!” she snapped at him.

“I’ve been talking to college girls for a long time. This is the most bisexual thing two straight girls can do is fuck the same guy and give the guy shit for getting off on the fact that at least one of you wants to fuck their lunchbox friend...and right now, you’re the mad at the Snowflake Queen, Needy.”

Leda stopped and looked at him, “Did you really just use that reference?”

“It’s true. No matter the reference. I’ve told you that before-”

“You didn’t-”

“Yes I did, you just forgot because we were having fun...you know..dating,” Vincent lit his cig, handing it to her, “My whole thing is I wanted you to have fun without living in Rosie’s shadow.”

“Don’t do that,” she said, smoking quickly going back to the bed before he takes her hand and twirls her and dips her.

“What?” he said.

“Don’t call her Rosie,” she said, blushing hard.

“Why? Cus you’d call her Rosie?” he asked, shotgunning a hit with her.

“Stop saying I wanna fuck Ro, cus I don’t,” she giggled.

“You’d watch me fuck her though,” he inserted, putting the butt in the ashtray as he pulled her in, “Or vice versa.”

“She said she would?” she asked, furrowing her brows.

“Needy, when I say she’s never been worried about you when she’s with me, she’s not. I don’t push her, either. Like I think about you if she says or does something that reminds me of you but other than that she’s in her own little world with me,” Vincent said, caressing the girl, looking away to think.

“Stop calling me Needy, I clearly look like Megan Fox,” she said, meaning to put herself down.

“No, you’re Needy at the end of the movie after she’s been affected by Jennifer,” he explained, “You were simping and running and screaming while getting teased the whole movie then at the end, even though you kinda lost your guy, you’ll get more..and it’s kinda because she took what was meant for you..even if it killed her..”

“Wow..Vincent..did you just say you loved me even if it kills Ro?” Leda asked, smirking wildly.

“Yeah I guess so.”

#vincent cyr #leda muir #au #ro

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kurtwarren54 · 3 years

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Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish.

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation.

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother.

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot.

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it.

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2021/02/17/pregnancy-2-first-trimester/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

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elizabethcariasa · 3 years

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Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

Growing pains

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

Constipation

Baby bump

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

WHAT I’M EATING

HOW I’M SLEEPING

EXERCISE

MEDS IM TAKING

CHALLENGES

WHAT I’M WEARING

SELF LOVE

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

WHAT’S NEXT

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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arcs-and-blah · 7 years

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remember when i made this post about otp in disneyland then said i’d do a california adventures on a bad day? well.... here’s the california adventures part!!

OTP California Adventures HC fluff!!

alright, so they get there in the morning right? well Nijimura just springing to Paradise Pier before the lines get too long and of course he’s holding onto Akashi the whole time. good thing he’s an athlete hehe

they go to Toy Story Mania first bc yeah there’s no fastpasses for that ride. it’s basically astroblaster take two! I feel Akashi would enjoy Mania a bit more because there’s so much to it. high score anyone!

(they come back later in the evening bc Nijimura gotta see and yep the high score still there. heck Akashi beat it the second time through)

afterwards is Screamin’! Akashi’s hair is even worse than when he was in Tomorrowland’s rides. and Nijimura of course been on the ride a thousand times, so he knows when the camera is cue silly faces! Akashi’s just like ‘why’ bc maybe he’d want the photo! doesn’t matter bc yeah Akashi would definitely want the photo Nijimura was cute.

oh no on the ride, they do that count down thing at the pier before they shoot you through the ride right? well just Nijimura watching Akashi, Akashi’s like ‘what are you looking at?’ and Nijimura fucking loses it laughing because he’s never see Akashi so startled and discomposed.

continuing down the pier, Nijimura has to stop Akashi from playing the boardwalk games. he does not succeed. Akashi winning toys for little kiddies all around!

they go on Mickey’s Fun Wheel! Nijimura wants to go in the moving cart. Akashi unknowingly gives the okay. Akashi feels lied to when it comes to the name. it’s not fun. he’s feeling so nauseous and as green as Midorima. Nijimura feels bad, but he can’t help but smile as he comforts Akashi.

“Shuuzou, get me off this ride.” “aw come on, Sei. just two more circles. you can do it!”

they give you barf bags in the cart for the moving ones, the mom from the family sitting with them sympathetically passes it to Akashi. Akashi’s never going on another ferris wheel.

afterwards, Nijimura asks if Akashi wants to try the Golden Zephyer. Akashi’s prepare to shove his boyfriend into the water.

they decide to take it slow with Jumpin’ Jellyfish so Akashi’s nausea can calm down. not that they mind the slow ride. it was cute and yeah a nice change of pace! Nijimura points out the ride they’re going on next. and just when Akashi got his stomach back.

Goofy’s Sky School! Akashi sits on the left while Nijimura on the right. this is important bc there are more sharp left turns, so Nijimura cushioning his dear boyfriend during a sharp turn.

OH MY GOSH every time Akashi slides into him, Nijimura gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek!! Akashi’s new favorite ride!

okay now Akashi’s okay to go on circle-y rides. Silly Symphony and Golden Zephyer! which were both actually very relaxing. same with Ariel’s Undersea Adventure!

psst. They overheard a little girl pointing at them like ‘they look like Ariel and Eric’ bc hair color and ADORABLENESS! (idea from something Toki said a while back hehehe~)

okay by now it’s definitely like very hot. hotter than morning sun, afternoon sun. anyway, Nijimura decides it’s definitely time to head to Grizzly Peak for the Grizzly River Run! the two of them take sooo many pictures while waiting in line bc of the pretty waterfall and everything.

Akashi seated spot in the circle makes it so he’s backwards at first. getting unexpected wet when those ‘leaky pipes’ drips over him. also, curled up a bit when preparing the the first ‘drop’ (that tiny one) and Nijimura can die happy his boyfriend is so cute. Akashi is prepared to kill Nijimura himself with how he’s being teased.

jokes on Nijimura. he sat on the side seats and got most wet. well at least that was what they were going for with the heat and all.

walking to their next destination, at a crossroad at Cars Land and “A Bug’s Land.” they got Cars Land. Nijimura know what he doing!

Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree! Akashi returning the kisses Nijimura gave him earlier ( /)//////(\)

they probably go on Luigi’s Flying Tires but i’ve never been on it myself since every time i go it’s always down so i can’t give my thoughts im sorry

finally another fast pace ride! Radiator Springs Racers! Nijimura doesn’t know what to think when their car wins the little race the ride does. i mean, it’s 50/50 chance and all, but seriously Akashi! doesn’t need to do anything and still a win!

now this is what i mean when Nijimura knows what he’s doing. they cut into “A Bug’s Land.” now, they’re pretty much all smaller rides, but that doesn’t mean Akashi doesn’t love the place.

Nijimura couldn’t help but laugh when Akashi compliments the park designers’ work, making it so they ‘shrink’ down to bug sizes and all!

hehe catching ‘It’s Tough to be a Bug’ show~

okay. not time for one of Nijimura’s favorite rides. Hollywood Tower of Terror! Akashi hesitant bc freaking free falls, but Nijimura still taking in right in~

Nijimura not saying anything when they’re going up and Akashi’s holding into his hand super tightly despite his face not super freaked out. Though, Nijimura knows bc Akashi’s eye’s are narrowed.

going up and up and up and DROP “DEAR GOD I WASN’T READY!” ~ Akashi Seijuurou 2k1X

may or may not be based off real thing i did on the ride

Akashi mad at Nijimura yet again for teasing and laughing at him.

Nijimura wanting the photo at this ride bc hIS BOYFRIEND TOO CUTE

Akashi finally on sweet sweet land again, but nope! Nijimura taking back back to Grizzly Peak! They going to Soarin’! (i take offense to anyone who’d think i forget)

Akashi wonders why they didn’t go after River Run since they’re next to each other, but then feels the nice AC inside and yeah soaking wet to AC’ed room probably not the best

now this i can see being one of Akashi’s fav rides too! bc it really does feel like they’re soaring and the artificial wind blowing feels so nice and the scenery is so great and well done Disney hehe~

btw, it’s probably still daylight, yet to went to pretty much all the rides in California Adventures, so they park hop and chill at Disneyland again for a bit. go on a few rides a second time.

oh! maybe catch the Aladdin show! hehe, Akashi poking fun and like ‘well, we can definitely relate to the Aladdin story’. Nijimura like ‘what’ but then caught the jeer about him being a delinquent ‘street rat’ and yeah Akashi freaking rich kid. Nijimura gets back at him by calling him princess

they come back for World of Color at night though and WORLD OF COLOR! they got a good spot bc Nijimura was sprinting to the ticket line that morning before Toy Story Mania and yeah come first for color seating (this and here if anyone wanna check it out bc it pretty! from youtube)

Akashi finds the music and visuals shown on the water so charming and cute. Also! mini animation history lesson!

Nijimura just watched Akashi’s eyes light up before with the fireworks, now he gets to relive it with the World of Color!!

MORE FLUFF AND CUDDLES AS THEY STAND AND WATCH!!

when it ends, Akashi asks if they’re all done with California Adventures. Nijimura takes him to one last ride: King Triton’s Carousel! Akashi laughing at some of the sea creature designs, setting for a cute otter bc OTTERS (yall know how much i love otters~)

when they finally do leave, they exit the park and notice the fireworks going off at Disneyland. so they stay to watch that once more hehe~

this one is 42 points! and yeah definitely brought back my mood again hehe~ never know, i might do a mini Downtown Disney one just in case i get dressed again later. this really does work, but there’s only 2 Disney parks i’m SUPER familiar with

you guys! let me know if you went through this one too! and share other NijiAka in Disneyland hc stuff too! or NijiAka in general! or even other ships you might share with me in Disneyland! actually, i could do that too with other otps hehe~

thanks for reading my long ass hcs if you did!

#another NijiAka installment!#arcs blah

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maggiehanhamgrad701 · 3 years

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All About Annie

MY LOVES

Its about time we become straight up and just say what we are all thinking right (lol)? So here I go, here at the most annoying, frustrating and honest things that float to my brain when I think of Endometriosis.

HERE ARE THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ENDOMETRIOSIS SUFFERER\

Yeah, sorry to get straight into it with the gorey details. However the amount of underwear ive had to handwash in the shower, or are to far gone and had to be thrown in the bin is so high I have lost count. Might I add it really sucks when I treat myself to a beautful sexy matching bra and undies set and after the first wear I have to bin them.

2. Constant STI/STD Checks

OK this one for me is a serious annoyance. The fact that I have probably had more check-ups than a sex worker (no hate) is absolutley ridiculous. Its even more frustrating when I explain that ‘I was literally tested a month or 2 ago and havnt had sex since then’ and still get poked and proded amazes me. Even more crazy is the fact me and my boyfriend were given pills to take for an STD even though we both tested negative more than ten times, but just in case we had to take them. I have endo, not a STD mate.

3. “OMG I get really bad period pains toooooo”

Look, I know you trying to be supportive or whatever by saying this however this one one of the most offensive things you can say to an endo sufferer. You may get severe period pains and that sucks, but the fact that you think endo is just period pains is frustraing. When you can hardly get out of bed for weeks on end, talk to me.

4. Greasy Hair and Hairy Legs

You know you are having a bad episode when even the thought of showering is draining let alone actually completing this task. So to say I literally get in and out would be quite a good description. My poor boyfriend putting up with my hairy body and my poor, poor cute outfits being let down by a greasy bun. Oh the joys of fatigue.

5. Paying for Pads and Tampons

This stuff is expensive, espically when you bleed for 6 weeks straight. Goverment listen up, fund ’em!

6. When everyone you meet suddenly has the ‘answer to my prayers’

Im just not even gonna…….

7. “My Aunty had a baby and thats how she cured her Endometriosis”…..

First of all, CURE – LOL, second of all, whatever rock you live under, please remove yourself from it and educate yourself, Pregnancy doesn’t help everyone people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. When the Staff in the Emergency Department think your a Drug addict

We all must have been here right? The funny looks, the whispers and stares, the “are you sure your really in pain hunny” chats. A common complaint from a lot of woman who deal with Endometriosis is they are made to feel like drug seekers. Seriously? Do you think I want to be lying in a cold, loud hospital wing on a Tuesday night at 1:13am instead of my warm cosy bed fast asleep? Do you really think if I had a choice I would like to be hooked up to a morphine drip filling myself with pharmaceutical crap?? NO I AM NOT SEEKING DRUGS! But I would really like them to help get rid of this pain so please come to your senses and realise I am in desperate need of your help and assist me in getting sane and comfortable enough to head home, thanks 🙂

9. The wheat bag is just never hot enough

Ok, how many of us have literally nearly burnt ourselves from frying our skin with an extra hot wheaty? (I imagine you are all raising your hands at this point) When the pains are so bad it is literally impossible to get your heat device hot enough to even slightly make the cramps bearable, there is so no saving you lol.

10. “Does like, that mean you can’t ever have babies?”

Firstly, sit down you insensitive human. Secondly, my chances do become slimmer then normal, thanks for reminding me 🙂 isn’t it actually the worst when people don’t even think about how this question is going to make you feel? So cut throat it hurts.

11. Painsomina

100% is a thing. 100%. You are so sore, that you can’t even sleep. But you are so tired and exhausted from being in pain all day and you just wanna sleep. But you can’t, cos your in pain still and you cannot get comfortable no matter how hard you try or how many painkillers you take. You are just awake, dying a slow death whilst watching time slowllllllly tick by.

12. Explaining to your new partner what is wrong with you

Isn’t the “it sometimes hurts to have sex” convo literally the worst? Explaining to a male who has it drilled in his head that periods are even more taboo to talk about then the devil, that what Endometriosis is and how it effects you, ughhhhhh such a drag. I actually have now decided we should get like gold medals after having this conversation?

13. The initial convincing the doctors theres something wrong with you saga

Omg how did I nearly forget this one? THE ABSOLUTE WORST! Trying to convince a medical professional that your BODY HATESSSSSSS YOUUUUU and them not believing you for idk, like 8 years (using that number as its the average time a girl has to wait for a diagnosis) is so horrible. I remember the “take some pandadol, its just a bad period” chats like it was yesterday. You leave feeling so deflated and so mental

14. The after surgery gas

Haha k, I’m sorry, we have to discuss it. The first few days after surgery, and all that gas that they have pumped your tummy with is leaving your body, so embarrassing lol. You feel so un feminine and its so unacceptable. With no choice in the matter, “Pardon me” becomes your new favourite saying

15. When tired really, reallllly means TIRED

I literally hate it when I get to this point. When you actually have to put thought into picking up each leg when you walk. When simple tasks such as the dishes, folding the washing or brushing your goddam teeth feel like an olympic race. Once the fatigue takes over, the only thought I can concentrate on properly is getting myself to bed.

16. The bloating

You don’t know bloat until you have meet the Endo belly bloat right? Being that bloated sucks, especially when it means you can no longer eat your favourite chocolate unless you want to deal with the 4 month pregnant belly look. Even worse, looking pregnant when you run the possibility of never actually being able to be pregnant – can suck it.

17. Having your period, like all the time

SO many of us have been here – the never ending period. The waiting for it to finish and it never does. The loosing count of how long it has been since you didn’t have to change a tampon. The “OMG WHY WONT YOU GO AWAY” tears whilst sitting on the toilet unwrapping yet another night pad that will only last an hour because the flow is so heavy. Lets all have a moment of silence for all those who have been there, we deserve it.

18. You become your friends and families pharamcist

“So, can I take these two medications together?”

“You know that thing I got off you that time I felt nauseas, can I take some home with me?”

“I have a headache, do you have anything that will help?”

“Will I be fine if I take this without food?”

“How many of these can I take at once?”

19. Cramps

Its an obvious one, yet one that still needs to be addressed. How flipping sore are those cramps though? Cramps in your belly, cramps in your back, in your legs, in your actual vagina! Like enough is enough. However your body doesn’t understand that saying and just keeps throwing you cramps on cramps.

20. Calling in sick for work

Having to try and explain that periods are not an easy task for you and that you need to stay home in bed to your manager is not a fun or ideal task. Having them believe the severity of it can be so hard. Especially when you did this last week, and now you have the same problem and they can’t quite get their head around how you have your period again in such a small amount of time? Like when is ” I have my period and I have Endometriosis so leave me be” going to be an acceptable reason for a sick day? I vote it should be now.

Guys, honestly lol – I could sit up all night typing because the list seems to be never ending. Feel free to add “the confession you wanna make but never say” into the comments below – I can’t wait to see what you all have to add and what I’ve missed!

Hope you had a lil laugh relating to the above.

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sorryparis-forihavesinned · 5 years

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No One Actually Cares.

It’s too early in the year to start resenting my roommate and only friend, yet, here we are. It could just be because of the day I’m having and I’ve been waiting for this breakdown to come or I could just be justifying her shitty compassion. I knew this year would be hard, I just didn’t think it would be this hard. This past summer really fucked me up and I’m only now realizing that. I didn’t have a break and I continue to not have break. My anxiety has never been this bad before and I am in so much fucking pain. I wake up everyday and I can’t breathe and my chest gets tight and it’s fucking painful. I’m tired all the time and my mind keeps racing and I can’t shut it off. Talking to people or in class has gotten unbearable, I shake, stutter, my mind goes blank, I can’t breathe, I go cold and sweat. I’ve been high since I got back to Florida and just today I made the decision to quit for a little while, just to get my shit together and I also think it was making it worse. I don’t want to drink as much anymore either, just occasionally. I’m just tired of living like this and I want to be and do better. I hate going through these attacks everyday and having to act like everything is okay. I’ve been emailing psychiatrists all day to go forward with this, but of course, off campus is self pay and on campus can’t prescribe me anything. Anyways, I talked to my only friend and roommate about me doing this and I assured her that I wasn’t doing this just to get drugs but because I really do want to change because it’s getting bad. And like everyone in my fucking life, instead of being encouraging I’m told, “well, she isn’t going to right off give you drugs, she might try other things first and I know you, will you be open to that” and I said, “yeah I know I’m going to have to talk to her for her to determine what to give me, I’ve done this before” and she interrupts with her whiny bitchy voice, “yeaaaah me too, I’ve done this so many times, I know.” and at this point I got pissed the fuck off and tried to explain, “yeah so have I years ago and I had to talk with them for weeks before getting anything, I know. I researched the names on the health centers packet and 4 of the 6 say they don’t like using medicine and try holistic healing instead and that isn’t for me because my head races too much to meditate or do games to keep my mind off of whatever” and she repeated that the doctor won’t give me drugs right away and that I’m not open to anything and nothing will work and that I’ll go to one meeting and it will be a waste of my time. (not word for word what she said but pretty much what she fucking meant). I tried to explain that it’s hard to explain how my brain works and how it just fucking races and I’ve tried so much shit in the past and nothing works. But she just got more bitchy and changed the subject because it was getting too awkward for her. I’m finally putting myself out there and trying to change me with doctors which I was against for the last 3 years and thinking my friend would be proud, she just shits all over me making me feel fucking worse and as if I shouldn’t even be doing this. She thinks she knows me and she clearly doesn’t. I’m not myself around her because every time I am myself, I’m shit all over because I’m either dumb, or saying something stupid, or she disagrees with everything I talk about or like. She acts like she is there for me and give a fuck about me but I know she doesn’t. I’m just her little chew toy until I graduate because she has no friends either and I’m an easy target because I don’t talk back. She has no fucking clue what goes on in my fucking head everyday. I’ve been trying to cope with this shit since I was 13 years old and obviously coping mechanisms don’t work for me. She thinks seeing me have a couple of breakdowns over the span of 2 years sums up my entire 21 years of living. Like, she didn’t know me as child or in middle school or in high school or in Boston. She literally has no idea what the fuck I go through every single day and every time I try to talk about it, I’m told “ugh, I’m not in the mood for your depressing attitude” or “lets change the subject” and then she goes on and on about her fucking boyfriend because that’s the only concern she has this year. Her homework and her boyfriend. It really fucking sucks when your only friend here finds someone new and wants to spend all their time with them and you’re just left in the dirt, doing nothing, talking to no one, having no where to go etc. I’m having a really shitty time and all I want right now is a fucking friend and my best friend in Boston doesn’t even talk to me anymore (the friend I moved in with over summer) and this one has a boyfriend. She acts like we have our “nights” but we don’t anymore cause majority of those nights, she is too tired, we don’t stay up late anymore, she falls asleep, she smokes which she knows makes her more tired, doesn’t stop talking about her boyfriend and how she wants to be with him in that moment and how she misses him (which is a really shitty fucking feeling when your only friend has been talking for 2 hours about how bored she is and how all she wants is to be with someone else and is ready to go to bed because time will go faster for her to see her boyfriend and I have to sit there and say, “im so sorry, I feel bad” when I’m not either of those things because I’m trying to have a fun night with my friend but she clearly doesn’t want to be there”). I’ve been there for her so many times, I actually listen and help her when she needs it. I was there about to leave my house in NY to go to PA to be there for her pregnancy scare, I cleaned up her vomit two nights in the same week and made sure she was okay to sleep, I supported her during her tinder days last year, I was there when she was crying over her parents almost splitting up. Like she knows my family from what I’ve told her and she knows what happened to me over summer and how I think that fucked me up. Yet just like last year when I talked about my depression and anxiety I was shut down and even last year she said “don’t talk to me about this if you’re not looking to change or get help” yet here I am saying I’m getting help and she goes off on how I won’t accept talking to this doctor. LIKE BITCH I’M NOT FUCKING RETARDED I KNOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY PROBLEMS AND SHIT TO BE PRESCRIBED ANYTHING!!! And, i literally just found out my other roommate was like so close to being prescribed zoloft from this doctor last year and that was after one fucking visit, so clearly you have no idea wtf you’re talking about. People act like they care to make themselves seem like better people but little do they realize that they don’t actually give a fuck. Everyone’s out for themselves, so I might as well be too. My friend from Boston doesn’t talk to me, this one ignores me or changes the subject, can’t talk to my family because they’re all fucked in the head and would just tell me that I’m nervous, other than that I literally have no one. I’m alone here and I can feel the walls cave in on me. And I’m tired of constantly caring for others when no one cares about me. It’s a lot of fucking energy that I don’t have. My anxiety is so bad this year, to the point where I was invited to someones 21st and surprisingly I did go Saturday and I had to skip classes today because I need a fucking social break, and I’m going through it today. I’m also terrified that I’m pregnant but I don’t want to say anything because the first time I said anything I was told “you’re overreacting because of me, because I’m always freaking out about this”. I tried a test and it was negative but I could have taken it too early. I could be overreacting but, I blacked out and so did M at that wedding and there’s this moment I remember that night when he got in bed with me. I have not gotten my period since PA, it’s about to be two months and I wake up with a pain in my stomach and nausea in the mornings and my mood has been up and down which can be a result of everything above but could also be a pregnancy. I don’t want to bring it up again to them and I’m trying to figure out how to get another test. I’m just tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of helping and caring for others, when I get nothing in return. I feel so horrible and I can’t show it and everyone thinks I’m fine. I have no one and never will have someone, and this depressed me.

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lambunctiousme-blog · 7 years

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Clomid

Well that's what they have me on to treat for infertility and PCOS. Infertility issues aren’t talked about a lot however I’m not even going to get into them. This is rant is about PCOS and how treatment doesn’t seem to be necessary and the only answer any one can give us is birth control. Unless you are trying to conceive. Then insurance doesn’t consider treatment a medical necessity and you pay out of pocket for either some really awesome health insurance (that I’ve never heard of) or just paying for treatment itself.

According to www.pcosaa.org “ A main underlying problem with PCOS is a hormonal imbalance. In women with PCOS, the ovaries make more androgens than normal. Androgens are male hormones that females also make. High levels of these hormones affect the development and release of eggs during ovulation. “

and: “With PCOS, women typically have:High levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, though females also make them.Missed or irregular periods (monthly bleeding)Many small cysts (sists) (fluid-filled sacs) in their ovaries.” The website itself is full of information. My issue lies with the list of symptoms as it is with most information presented in a casual informative way, it’s not taken seriously. Not every one has all symptoms and for some they may have some more or less extreme than others. However when talked about in the medical community, any professional community the extremity needs to be made aware. There are better options than one treatment for every woman and it needs to be address at a political level. Women’s health has been a joke for far to long. When it explains “increased hair growth” its not saying any thing about painful ingrown hairs, or actually growing beards and mustaches. Or having to wax your face, bleach, pluck or shave daily. Its not your face either, its your whole body, tummy, back, chest, arms legs, butt, toes hair growth kinda goes crazy. Pelvic pain is listed here as well. Just pelvic pain. Not abdominal pain so severe you may black out, have dizziness, vomit, be unable to stand, be sent to the ER to have a doctor tell you all women have periods but giving you pain relief its the most humane thing to do. (My exact experience) It also doesn’t say that while your body is doing other things it needs to do that the pelvic pain can become epic-ally worse very quickly. You ate? Well now when you stand up and pressure is put on your ovaries BAM! That didn't kill you? ok now your body is going to digest the food and force it out of you! Then a sharp pain goes through your entire body and you faint, on the toilet, shitting. Don’t bother having to pick any thing up! Bending over is extremely risky! And not in the hot guy bends you across the table way. The worst part is that it may start with pain just during mensuration.... mine has escalated to a small mild pain all of the time with occasional sharp pains then extreme pain during menses. Then there’s nausea and diarrhea which is listed on most other sites and not this one. This can cause dehydration (Which has also happened to me.) As well as mentally traumatizing social situations. As in accidents, yea like you aren’t sure you can go out of your house because you 1 may have to pull over to puke or 2 may crap your pants at your mother-in-laws garden party. Cysts on the ovaries is one that we all pretty much know. Hence the name PCOS. Which not a lot of women know cysts are normal, What they don’t know is that with PCOS the cysts may not go away, they may rupture, or they may go away and come back! Cysts may skip a month!. There is also different types, some on the inside some on the out side and you know what really really sucks? When you have been in horrible pain so you go to the ER then that doctor tells you its just your period and to follow up with your primary doctor in 2-4 days (maybe longer) then they order a ultrasound which is in a couple days and by then you don't have an active cyst at the time. Guess what? you then have to pray that the next time it happens your primary care doctor has an opening and that they feel like you need urgent care. It may be a merry go round like this if you aren't aware of what “could be” wrong with you and demand proper treatment in the ER. How is a non-doctor supposed to know? Exactly. Weight gain, diabetes, etc. Doctors will try and recommend weight loss in some cases for individuals with PCOS. In many cases it could help! Truly! However, PCOS can cause weight gain. When my symptoms got really bad, I was doing physical therapy for an old injury 3 times a week for 3 hours each time for almost a year. I had a physical therapist working with me on strength training too, its not like I went for massages and such. I had gotten past that point. I sweat, I turned beat red, and I had other physical therapists telling me they couldn't do what he was having me do. I trained until my ulnar nerves freaked out and I had to stop. This being sad... I lost no weight. Yeah I bet you are ready to tell me muscle weighs more than fat etc.... I didn’t slim down.... and I didn’t get stronger. NOTHING HAPPENED. As we increased weight, my body started breaking down, my hip flared up, my back went out, I started getting shooting pains down my arms and legs as I slept, my left ankle went out and then my ulnar nerves. Some days my arms would swell and I couldnt fit them into some of my shirt sleeves for a few days. My point is, when your body is sending out hormones like it doesn’t know what its doing it effects your entire body. Loosing fat, building muscle hair growth and mental health.... Speaking of, I was diagnosed bipolar when I was a teen. It’s been so long I can’t even remember what year. My issues have been pretty successfully managed since I was 21 and Im 30 now. A few years ago, about when the pcos symptoms first started. ( I can connect that now since I'm looking back on it, I couldn't at the time) My anxiety started getting worse.... and as my therapist and I tried coping techniques then increases in medication then added one med and that one didn't work, then added another.... I went from taking 25mg of lamital, to 200 for mood stabilization and another SSRI. Sure they do blood tests. Check to see if your pregnant and check to see what level of medication is in my blood and do drug tests to make sure I'm not doing street drugs along with treatment. I have no idea when the last time they checked my hormones, if they have ever. Well... things were ok on all of that medication. My anxiety wasn't 100% figured out when we decided to try and get pregnant but it was extremely manageable. Then as the months went by my moods got darker and darker. I went from being manageable to not waxing my face any more, then not cleaning the house, not getting out of bed and having naps through out the day. The doctor put me back on my SSRI and Im only to stop it when I find out I'm pregnant. Sure the sites tell you about pcos causing anxiety or depression.... which is just a quick fleeing statement as to exactly what that means or what it means for some one who already has issues with those things. I’ve been on clomid for four days now. I take it for 6 days, it will hopefully make me ovulate so I can get pregnant. In 2 days I wasn’t tired all day and took no naps, in 3 days I cleaned house and actually felt positive and wasn't nauseated. Today is day 4, I’m not tired, I’m not nauseous and its the first day in so many months that I’ve actually just been generally happy. I still have just a in general abdominal pain however this is the first time in over a year that I'm occasionally pain free... I don’t know what will happen after 6 days. Will it come back? Will my mood get darker? who knows? Will I be insane? Treatment varies for the individual. In my case I started having symptoms while on birth control. For others birth control may be the answer they are looking for. However, if hormonal therapy is needed insurances don’t want to cover just treatment for pcos. If I wasn't trying to have a baby, they wouldn’t be trying hormones first, instead they would be sticking a scope in me. (Which if this treatment doesn't work they still may.) Doctors literally have to make sure they write up the need for procedures fro treatment for pain etc. because if it smells slightly like some one is trying to get pregnant then it wont be covered. ITS IMPORTANT TO OVULATE! Again: Women with PCOS have greater chances of developing several serious health conditions, including life-threatening diseases. Recent studies found that:More than 50 percent of women with PCOS will have diabetes or pre-diabetes (impaired glucose tolerance) before the age of 40.The risk of heart attack is 4 to 7 times higher in women with PCOS than women of the same age without PCOS.Women with PCOS are at greater risk of having high blood pressure.Women with PCOS have high levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol and low levels of HDL (good) cholesterol.Women with PCOS can develop sleep apnea. This is when breathing stops for short periods of time during sleep.Women with PCOS may also develop anxiety and depression. It is important to talk to your doctor about treatment for these mental health conditions.Women with PCOS are also at risk for endometrial cancer. Irregular menstrual periods and the lack of ovulation cause women to produce the hormone estrogen, but not the hormone progesterone. Progesterone causes the endometrium (lining of the womb) to shed each month as a menstrual period. Without progesterone, the endometrium becomes thick, which can cause heavy or irregular bleeding. Over time, this can lead to endometrial hyperplasia, when the lining grows too much, and cancer. Sorry for copying and pasting so much. Eh, I’m venting on a blog and I even gave credit to where I got it. That’s more than what most do. This needs to be looked into more, what women's bodies do needs to stop being treated as unmentionable. http://www.pcosaa.org/pcos-overview/

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glass-ladybug · 7 years

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Mae woke up at the perfect time of 1:35 pm, only to be decked in the face by exhaustion and boredom. As a kid, getting a day off of school was like heaven. Unfortunately, after you become a disappointment to the family and a college drop out with literally nothing to do, and no responsibilities past showering occasionally, it starts being less fun and more... depressing. Mae didn't like thinking about that too much. As light filtered into her messy little room, Mae opened her eyes and immediately regretted it, sinking deeper into the bed covers. Waves of pain and nausea coursed through her head, and she clenched her teeth, clutching onto the bedspread. The dreams hadn't gotten... worse, necessarily, but it seemed that they were getting more vivid. Which sucked. Face still firmly planted in the covers, Mae blindly groped around for her laptop, shuffling things around on the nightstand as she dragged it onto her lap. Unfortunately, this was the step where she would need to be able to see. Slowly, she rubbed her eyes and reluctantly opened them, giving a sigh of relief when no second burst of pain affected her. She absently logged on, yawning as she waited for the morning's messages to load in. greggrulz: Heeeeey!!!! greggrulz: at work 2day.... u should stop by!!! greggrulz: my boss dropped off some new stuff greggrulz: lightbulbs for like..... 68 cents greggrulz: im sure she wouldnt notice if a few... went missing greggrulz: anyway!!! see u later greggrulz: Sincerely, Greggory. Well, it was too late now. Gregg had the morning and evening shifts which meant he'd probably be at home with Angus right now. And Mae really didn't want to stick her finger in their broken call button again. So, that was out. Wouldn't hurt to text him back, though! witchdagger1031: Hey gregg witchdagger1031: ur not online now, but we can def hang tomorrow witchdagger1031: im down with whatever witchdagger1031: tell the big guy i say hi witchdagger1031: over and out Yeah, that was good. Angus, per usual, had only left an away message, but that was okay. He was probably having fun fixing a giant robot, or programming a top-secret device for the FBI. Or... Whatever Angus did in his spare time. BeatriceSantello: Morning. BeatriceSantello: I'm at work, If you want to come by or whatever. BeatriceSantello: See you soon. Mae shuddered. So.... Formal. Aack. For as much of a badass Bea was, she kinda needed to loosen up a little. Mae let her mind wander. Maybe there'd be another furnace to beat the shit out of today. Hmm. No, she was actually more in the mood to destroy a refrigerator. Yeah, that sounded good. Dragging herself out of bed, Mae pulled on a worn orange sweatshirt and yanked a pair of shoes onto her feet. She trudged down the steps, feeling a little lonely when her mom wasn't in the kitchen. She knew it was unreasonable for her mom to still be there, considering, y'know, she had a ...job. She still couldn't help feeling a little sad, though. Mae thew together some cereal and an Eggo waffle - a delicious combination, despite what everyone else seemed to think. Losers. They didn't know how to appreciate good food. After dumping her bowl into the sink, Mae disappeared out the door and into the quiet atmosphere of Possum Springs. The door to The Ol' Pickaxe jingled softly, and Mae sauntered up to the counter, and plopped herself down on it. "Hey, Bea!" Amused, Bea continued to stock the register. "Hey, Mae." "So," Mae shifted around, "how's the Pickaxe?" "Trying to kill me." Bea muttered. "Unsuccessfully, thus far at least." "What's so stressful?" "Well, on top of everything else, we're hosting that Harfest play tomorrow." Bea grumbled, tapped out numbers on her keyboard and absently handing a customer their receipt. "Oh, wooooooooww. Lucky you." Mae snickered. "Yeah. I'm never offering to help with this again." Mae swung her legs, bouncing on the counter. "So, what are you up to tonight?" Bea raised an eyebrow. "Uh. Nothing?" She shook her head. "I'm, like, super tired." Frowning now, Bea began organizing a list of fluorescent labels in a pattern Mae didn't really want to decipher. "Because everything in my life is exhausting. And I'm doing the work of like /three/ employees, plus a store owner. Even though I'm one employee, and I /do not own this store/!" Bea's husky, low voice quickly rose in volume, and she ended the sentence with something near a shout as she slammed down her pen with a bang. "Oh," Mae said helpfully, "weird." Bea gave another worn out sigh, and for the first time Mae noticed how /tired/ she looked. She did a good job of hiding with her black, expertly applied eyeshadow, but creases and dark circles were still visible if you looked closer. "I thought for some reason you owned this place now." Mae said. Bea let out a derisive laugh. "You'd think. Actually, though, I'd rather die. Like, make me a coffin using tools from this store, and bury me literally anywhere else." "Wow. That got intense." A drawer clicked as Bea slid her finished work into a file. "Aaaaagh. Sorry I'm so high strung." Mae scuffed her shoes against the counter, attracting a dirty look from an employee across the store. "It's chill." "Anyway. I'm doing nothing tonight." Mae perked up, sitting a little taller. "I can do nothing too!" There was a beat of dead quiet. "Fine." Mae did a little victory dance to herself, pumping a fist into the air. "Nice!" "So, are we doing this now? My shift is over soon." "Yeah! Let's hang out!" Bea began packing up, wrangling a set of several scratched keys. "I don't having anything very interesting to do. I'm just knocking off work early to pick up some groceries." Mae shrugged, and hopped off the counter. "That's fine!" Bea shouted to the other on-duty employee that she was leaving early, giving them a glare that just dared them the contradict her. As Bea turned around, Mae stuck her tongue out and waved at the employee, reveling in her retribution. Take that, capitalism! ------------------------------------------ "-And that's why U.S. pennies aren't 100% copper." Mae rambled. "You sure know a lot of useless shit." "Yep! That's my specialty. Knowing useless shit and beating things up." "It's a good combination." Bea snorted. The two walked side by side in the Ham Panther, Bea adding various items to her red plastic basket, and Mae salivating over the snack section. Bea held up a can of corn, examining it before dropping it in with the myriad of other food items. "OK. I need to grab a few things quick." "Aww, I thought we were gonna hang out!" "Uh. We are hanging out. I'm just here to grab something for dinner for Dad and me. I don't feel like ordering again." Mae beamed widely. "Let me pick out what we have!" Bea choked, grinning slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry. You're coming to dinner?" "Can I?" The older girl let out a disbelieving laugh. "Um. I guess?" Mae fluttered her eyelashes, smiling saccharinely. "Are you asking?" "I wasn't." Mae snapped her fingers. "Damn." "I wasn't, but now it feels weird not to..." "Great! Then I'll pick out what we have to eat!" Mae yanked the basket from Bea's arm, and began speeding down an aisle, when she felt someone grab onto her arm. Bea looked at her carefully. "Wait, you're actually serious?" Mae nodded excitedly. "You know what? Go for it. I hate shopping. We need a main course and like, two sides?" Smiling brighter than ever, Mae pointed at her beloved snack aisle. "Dessert?" "We're not children." "Appetizer?" "We're on a /budget/, Mae." Still not letting go, Bea held Mae out at arms length. "And no shoplifting. I can afford a few groceries, and this place has cameras." "Good point." Mae complied. Bea let her arm fall away, and the self-proclaimed 'fierce warrior' sped down a random aisle with a clumsy salute. She quickly grabbed the brightest and most colorful looking can, which turned out to be chicken noodle soup (with stars!). Then, satisfied with that decision, Mae sprinted toward the boxed, 'make it yourself' aisle, yanking some 'Nice Rice' off the shelf. Niiiiice riiice. Mmm, great. Shoes screeching on the shiny tiled floor, Mae sharply turned into the refrigerator aisle, eyes flicking over the array of goods stacked neatly. She tossed a roll of off-brand biscuits into her basket, not really even looking at what she grabbed. Facing her own invisible time limit, Mae booked it back to where Bea was meandering under the Ham Panther's fluorescent lights. "That was quick." Panting, Mae rested her hands on her knees. "Haah.... Good..." Mae looked up, still out of breath. "My dad, uh, works at the deli! We could get meat from there." "Lead the way." As they walked, Mae noticed Shakey Bakey was on sale. Nice. That stuff was awesome. She added it to the basket. Over at the Deli Counter, Mae's father, a kind of robust (but lovable!) man, was working the cash register, fully decked out with apron, hair net, and thin rubber gloves. "Ladies!" He greeted. "Hey, Dad." "Bea, long time no see!" Bea smiled politely. "How are you, Mr. Borowski?" "Can't complain." Mr. Borowski's chest shook as laughed. "Just me and the meats." He smiled, patting a fish fillet. "Still weird seeing you here, Dad." Mae chimed in. "Beats the alternative!" Bea furrowed her eyebrows. "What's the alternative?" "Unemployment." "Oh." He smiled cheerfully, his eyes crinkling up around the edges. "So what are you lovely ladies doing here?" "Just grabbing something for dinner." "How's your dad?" Bea's expression darkened briefly. "Alright." Mae's father nodded absently. "What can I get for you?" Gesturing to Mae, Bea took a step back, allowing the smaller of the two to press her hands on the glass display counter, scrutinizing their options. "She's picking." "One of your best fishes, please!" Bea hummed vaguely. "Whatever's good. Dinner for three people, nothing pricey." Mr. Borowski slid out a tray of fish, wrapping one in paper. "Bea, you should come by for dinner sometime!" Mae's heart immediately froze, and she repressed the urge to bolt out the door, steal Bea's truck, and never return. While her body was unfortunately stuck here, her brain was already far gone. "A-at the Ham Panther?" She stumbled. "At home, Mae. I'll grill us up something nice!" Bea was calm as ever, and Mae almost hated her for it. "That'd be nice. Thank you." "Ok-ok, let's check out!" Mae said, hastily shoving her basket at her dad, who was trying not to smile. Pulling out a cigarette, Bea flicked her lighter, much to Mae's distaste. "I'm not even looking at what you got. That is how straight up tired I am." "It's gonna be great!" "If you say so. Let's keep moving." Mae's father began bagging their groceries. "Hmm. Hmm, yes, okay. Oh? Well that's... interesting." "Interesting?" Mae said hopefully. "Maybe I'm just behind the times. Have a nice day, girls." Bea grabbed her keys and their bags. "Alright. Thanks, Mr. Borowski." "See you later, Dad!" Her father gave a little wave, as the two departed from the Ham Panther, and into Bea's car. That was his girl. Awkward and odd, but with a good heart. ------------------------------------------ Bea's apartment was messy. It looked like someone had /attempted/ to keep it clean, but over time it had just fallen into despair. Mae didn't miss the nervous little glances Bea shot her when she thought she couldn't see, nor the way her body tensed up as they walked through the doorway. Seeing the disarray the house was in, Mae felt a little less... underdressed than before. She looked over at Bea, waiting for her to extinguish her cigarette. She didn't. "I'm home." She yelled out. The couch- wait, no, a /person/ on the couch- answered back. "You're early." Bea set the groceries on the table, leading Mae to a slightly scratched chair. "We're having someone over. Do you remember Mae?" Mae gave a little wave, and the figure on the couch grunted. Grabbing a pan from under a cupboard, Bea started preheating the stove. Motioning for Mae to help, she began spouting off instructions. "Butter. Top shelf in the refrigerator. Add it to the pan, and then stir in the rice. When you're done with that, grab the biscuits and open them." "Aye-aye!" In about a half hour of splattering, sarcasm, and Mae stealing a taste of food whenever Bea turned around, dinner was cooked. "No, don't touch the oven. I don't need a house fire." "I was ten!" Mae cried indignantly. "Pyromania is for life." As Bea pulled the fish from the oven, her father stood up, and seated himself at the table. "Nice to see you, Mae. Been awhile." Mae raised her eyebrows at the quick attitude change, but gave a nervous smile in return. "Uh... Hi?" "Um." Bea said. "Huh?" "You.... Put Shakey Bakey. On fish." "So?" "Just take a bite." Mae bit into the crispy fish, and almost gagged. It tasted spicy, sour, and a whole bunch of other things that fish should definitely not taste like. "Oh." Bea sighed. "Yeah. 'Oh' about sums it up. Dad, do you want me to order a pizza?" "Go ahead." Suddenly filled with guilt, embarrassment prickled over Mae's skin. "Did I ruin dinner?" Mr. Santello laughed- a far cry from his attitude when Mae arrived. It was a little unnerving. "Yep. But we'll live, I think. The fish just didn't work out." Mae fidgeted and looked away. "I thought: Hey, fish is good. Shakey Bakey is good..." Bea snorted. "Did you like it?" "No, I agree. It's pretty terrible." With that, Mr. Santello made his way back to the couch, and flicked on the T.V. Bea sat next to him, and started talking business, leaving Mae to only be vaguely tuned in, and staring at the putrid orange walls. "So, we're all paid up 'til the 15th next month." Bea's father grunted. "Alright. That rock salt sorted?" "Yeah, should be fine." She was looking away now, a crease forming on her high forehead, and her posture tense. "Okay, uh, I need you to sign some things. Left them on the table." "Think I might just get to 'em." "Please do. We have to pay the guys in a few days." "I don't need you to remind me." There was a prolonged beat of silence, and Mae could swear the temperature dropped a few degrees. Bea pursed her lips. "I know, but-" "I /don't/, Beatrice. Whose name is on the deed?" "...Yours, Dad." "Whose names on the checks?" Bea was almost perfectly still now, her fingers clutching the armrest so hard they were turning pale. "Yours." She ground out. Mae wanted so badly to pipe up, but before she could say a word, Bea shot her a Look. It wasn't harsh, nor a glare like she gave her co-worker. It was almost a ...plea. Like she was silently begging her to shut up. So, Mae did. But she wasn't happy about it. Bea stood up stiffly. "Mae and I are gonna hang out in my room." Mr. Santello smiled kindly. "You girls have a nice time! Thanks for dinner, Mae." "O...kay." "C'mon, Mae." Bea muttered. Mae lingered around for a few seconds, running a hand over the apartment's chipped and cracked walls. Bea. Badass, smart, always calm and cool Bea lived /here/. For as cynical and sarcastic as she was, there was no way Bea was okay with that. ((NO TRANSITION SENTENCE BC I CAN'T THINK OF ONE)) Bea's room was filled with an array of boxes, some semi-unpacked, and some completely untouched. There was a laundry hamper pushed to a corner, and a laptop laying on the carpet, plugged into an outlet. Bea herself was curled up on a tiny, rickety blue wooden bed, her heavy-lidded eyes only half open. "So... Did you guys move in recently?" Mae questioned. "10 months ago." "Why aren't you unpacked?" Bea just shifted over, fiddling with a loose string on the bed, wrapping it over her finger again and again. "So I've got a question." Mae said. "Mmhmm?" "Your dad is kinda up and down, huh?" "He has good days, and bad days. Often in the same day." "Haha, Gregg's always been like that too. Just more...uh... zany about it." "Well Gregg is most likely bi-polar, or on the autism spectrum. He's never actually told me the specifics." "Yeah, he doesn't talk about it much. But thanks, Doctor Bea." "My pleasure. Whereas, my dad is having a years long breakdown." "You run the whole store now, right?" "More or less." "Yeah," Mae huffed, "but it's still his name on everything." "Yep." "And meanwhile, you're running basically /everything/." "Yep. And! And! Working there /every day/ too. Yep." "I just think you shouldn't! I mean, I would probably just quit. Or, like, take over the store. Like, you not doing anything just reinforces-" The string Bea was pulling on snapped. "Is this really the road you want to go down with this?" Mae clenched her jaw. "I'm /saying/ it's not right that you roll over and take it." Bea's voice was dangerously calm, and Mae was sightly taken aback. "Take it?" "Take it?!" Her words were filled with a seething, dark anger, and it took all of Mae's willpower not to back up. "You're doing all the work, and he's getting all the credit!" Mae snapped. "Oh, go to Hell." Mae's jaw dropped, and she stared at her friend. "Why? What is your /problem/?" Bea's eyes were squeezed shut now, and her mouth was twisted into a grimace. "Here's some reality for you: You know Creek? Repair guy Creek, at the shop?" "...Yeah?" "When I was fifteen he asked my dad if he could teach my how to drive. And my dad said no, and then told me not to be alone with him." "Oh my God." Mae whispered. "Yeah. Exactly. And you know what? He still works for us." "Why haven't you fired him?!" "I can't fire people! And, even if I could, he's on the crew. Frankly, he's our best guy. Practically heads up the repair team, since my dad's not doing anything!" Bea's voice was losing it's anger, and melting into disdain and exhaustion. "Creek's got a family, and he needs to work." "I'm gonna be sick." "Yeah! Me too! I have /no power/, Mae, and I can't change that." Mae paused, not caring that she was being blunt. "I'm just saying, if you keep letting these dudes off the hook-" "Off the hook?!" "Like, you're stronger than this, Bea." Mae gestured wildly. "You're like... Badass, and shit!" Bea froze. "Y-you..." Bea slowly sat up, and rose to her full height. Fueled by anger, Mae stared Bea dead in the eye, stepping forward. Every inch of Bea seemed to be dripping with fury, outrage, and most surprisingly... hurt? Bea's temper was barely in check, and Mae could see her fists clenching and unclenching at her sides. All of her features that had before seemed pretty, were now imposing. Her dark eyeshadow made her eyes look fierce, and cold. Her long painted nails brought on thoughts of metal screeching on a chalkboard. Her half shaven head, and the little knobs of black hair bunched up at the back stopped being cool, and started being foreign, and odd. It's amazing how different things seem when you look through a different perspective. "Badass?" Her voice was trembling now. "My mom dying was not very 'badass'." "Me sitting in this tiny, mess of a room complaining is not very 'badass'." Her voice cracked, and she gritted her teeth. Tears were glinting in Bea's eyes, and Mae's fury and delusion began dissipating on the spot. "I... Okay, sorry, I-" "Your are such a shithead, you know that?" "What the hell?" Nope, never mind. It was back. "You don't get it, Mae. Most people can't just get up and 'choose' to do whatever it is you decree to be the right thing! Because they /can't/ do anything else!" "You can /always/ choose." "Choose what?" Bea's voice was scathing. "No, tell me. What is my choice here?" "Tell your dad you're not gonna take this!" Mae shouted. Really, it was surprising he hadn't heard them screaming already. "Tell him what? What is your magic solution, that /I/ need to do?" Mae opened her mouth to respond, but Bea held up a hand, silencing her. "I am seriously gonna punch your goddamn lights out." Bea didn't break eye contact, but her voice lost some of its wrath, exhaustion overlaying her tone. "You come in here and start telling me how /I'm/ screwing things up? You want to come in here and say, 'Oh yeah, just ditch your dad, who is both getting old, and can barely get off the couch half the time'? You want to come in here and say, 'Oh yeah, just start this big drama, and make your life way more stressful?'" "It's just not right is what I'm saying!" Mae said, ignoring the guilt prickling over her. "Yeah. It isn't. Nothing's right. The whole effing world isn't right. Like Gregg is probably off doing /God knows/ what wacky shit right now, and I'm here making an awful dinner and doing payroll. You know, like, /nothing/ about my life. You just know what I should do." Mae bit the inside of her cheek. "And you- you're the last person I'd ask for advice." Bea said. Mae finally looked away, staring down at the musty, worn carpet. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Bea's voice was raspy, and tired. "Yeah, you're sorry. Everyone's sorry. But you don't get it. You did what you wanted. You threw away the thing that I've always wanted- that I've dreamt about for years. And now you're here, waltzing in and telling me I should do the same with my life. But I can't, Mae. I have responsibilities. This is it for me. This is all I have, and I can't just walk away from it." Mae looked up, and Bea looked like a hollow shell of herself. Eyes tired, posture weary, face drawn, and sad. "I should go." Mae whispered. "You should go." And with that, Mae departed from the tiny, rundown house, and walked home. ------------------------------------------ ((I wanted to add another scene in here, one that wasn't included in the real bit, but idk what to do???? bc rn its basically a rewrite, with added dialogue and emotion and monologue??? if u have any thoughts let me kno!))

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