#its so so hard. i cant even put it into words

[chrissfawn]

ꨄ MAKE IT UP . 𓂃 ㅤ۫ ㅤ⊹

— c.s. series | part 1 . .

pairing :: chris sturniolo x fem!oc

summary :: in which isabella decantis has to share a dorm room with her high school enemy, chris sturniolo.

word count :: 1,390 k

warnings :: swearing, angst (??), lowercase intentioned, 3rd person, chris is a dick, drinking, throwing up, fluff if u squint, n thats it

a/n :: yall r crazy for getting tense to 800 notes 😭😭 i love u guys all dearly. also the story line is js smth i ended up doing on c.ai and i thought it was realy good so 😁 also credits to maxine for the name she said she wouldnt read this if i didnt give her credits

COLD was what amber-eyed isabella decantis felt while walking down the long hallway. after waiting for weeks and even months, she had finally gotten accepted into her dream college. the brunette girl looked down at the small folded paper to know which dorm was hers. to her surprise, the hallway was empty on move in day. she knew how hard had been working and how much money she paid to get one of the dorms that have a private bathroom. she knew she deserved this.

‘ROOM 617’ was said on the small sign on the door. isabella put her boxes down after struggling to carry them for almost 10 minutes. she excitedly took out the key to unlock the door, but it was already open. bella raised her eyebrow slightly, a bit shocked that her dorm mate would already be here. she opened the door slowly while letting out a soft, “hello?”

her amber eyes met with blue eyes. “uhm.. what the fuck are you doing here?” chris mumbled, getting up from his bed. isabella’s jaw clenched as she looked back down at the folded paper. “this is room 617?” she spoke with anxiety laced into her tone. “are ya’ blind?” the brunette boy spoke coldly. “no because if i was, i wouldn’t already know that im gonna have to be with you.” she spat as she kicked her boxes filled with clothes and other things into the room.

bella picked up the few boxes and placed them on top of her bed. the room now completely silent, she took a box knife that she had in her purse and started to open the boxes up. “cant fucking believe im gonna have to be stuck with you for the entire year.” chris mumbled under his breath, thinking that isabella couldn’t hear him when in reality she did. “well we both wouldn’t be pissed off if you didn’t bully me through all of high school, wouldn’t we sturniolo?” isabella snapped.

“well thats what you deserve for being all slutty n shit when you fucked every guy in school decantis.” he argued back, not even looking up from his phone. bella paused from packing to turn to chris. her hands rested on her love handles. “excuse you! your the one who played every girl in bell borne! remember lizzy? yeah, you fucked around with her for a bit and then you cheated on her with her sister.” she retorted with frustration laced into her words. “but ohhh, no remember that one time when you cheated on her sister with her bestfriend?” bella continued, pissed off that chris was probably not even listening.

“oh please bella! you sent nudes to basically all of the guys during junior and senior year. dont act all innocent and act like you didn’t do anything.” chris finally snapped as he put his phone down. “jesus christ and you fucked how many guys in the bathroom?” he didn’t stop there. “don’t be coming after me sayin shit like im a player when you were a slut too.” he finally stopped. isabella rolled her eyes, turning her back to chris. “oh so now what? when i finally say the truth you stay quiet? is that what hurts you to know bella?” he taunted.

“that’s because its all a shitty humor chris! i didn’t fuck anybody in any bathroom, i didn’t send nu— well i sent nudes to my boyfriend.. i didnt send nudes to any other guy but him!” she defended herself while throwing her hands up with mercy. “for fucks sake chris you’re just like your ex girlfriend. she was such a fucking dick. you know you were nicer in eighth grade but when you started to date her during the summer you became a prick. guessing you also played her then?” bella added, tilting her head to the side slightly while crossing her arms. after a few seconds of awkwardness, isabella knew chris was finally silenced, atleast for now.

bella turned back to her things and continued to unpack everything. she carefully placed things on top of the shelfs next to her bed. her dainty crystals, her box of tarot cards, her little jewelry box, everything that she had loved. but it wasn’t too soon until the silence started to kill her. she then remembered that he had brought her vinyl player along with two or three records. the brunette girl carefully opened the book that held them, then taking them out. happily, isabella plugged in the vinyl player and putting on a mac demarco record on to play. chris groaned quietly as the music started to fill the room. “jesus what is this shit?” he asked while getting up from his bed to turn off the music.

“its music…” bella mumbled, quickly turning it back on. “well yeah it sounds depressing, who listens to that kinda stuff.” chris argued as he turned it back off. the girl pouted slightly. “people who listen to mac demarco?? if its bothering you so much then get out while i finish unpacking.” she shrugged. chris didn’t give her an audible reply, instead just simply putting his shoes on and leaving the room. isabella let out a small sigh of relief, thankful she had the room to herself now for a while.

. . . .

isabella was now in her nicely made bed comfortably. her wired earbuds connected to her phone which played music softly into her pierced ears. she hummed to herself quietly once she noticed the time. 1:03am. the brunette girl couldn’t actually help but feel a little bit worried about where he was. but of course, she quickly brushed it off and enjoyed how cozy she was currently. soon enough, a loud thud hit the door. isabella’s eyebrow raised slightly while lazily getting out of bed.

the brunette walked over to the door, taking out one earbud while opening it. her eyes met chris’ eyes. his hair stook out everywhere and some of it stuck to his forehead, his hand holding a bottle of something, his eyelids droopy, and his scent reeking of alcohol and his cheap cologne. “jesus what did you do?” bella asked while moving to the side to let chris in. “mmmhh” he rather giggled. he belly-flopped onto his bed and wiggled around on it for a while, bella assuming he was trying to get comfortable. “are you.. drunk?” she asked, crossing her arms. “don’t be ridicu-lush.. ‘m not that drunk.” he slurred while continuing to giggle like a baby.

isabella hesitated, but she grabbed the bottle that was in his grasp. “jesus! vodka chris?” she groaned in annoyance. he let out a small hiccup in reply that kinda made her laugh. isabella just watched him wriggle around in his bed before his body shot up. “what now?” she mumbled. “im gonna throw up.” chris groaned as he quickly ran to the bathroom that was connected to the dorm. the brunette girl ran after the boy as he kneeled down in-front of the toilet to throw up. isabella who had emetophobia, was also not doing well. her fingers lightly held chris’ front pieces of hair back with one hand patting his back gently, trying not to look at the throw up.

“there ya go..” she whispered quietly. after he was done doing his thing, isabella grabbed a plastic cup and filled it up with tap water. “here, drink some water.” the brunette said, then flushing the toilet. chris gladly took the cup of water and took little sips. “feel better?” she asked as she leaned against the sink counter, looking down at chris on the floor. “hm, i think ‘m still drunk.” he admitted, putting the cup down. isabella hummed quietly, nodding her head as she stuck out a hand to help chris up. “get some sleep.” she suggested while walking chris back into the room. “m’kay..” he babbled while quickly flopping back on his bed.

the amber-eyed girl turned off the bathroom lights then walked over to her bed. she had also decided to go to sleep. isabella turned off her lamp and put her phone to charge. her body slid underneath her sheets and blankets. she heard chris snore like a truck, “great.” she thought. honestly though, she didn’t mind it that much. after staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, she quickly fell asleep.

a/n ;; STARTING MY FIRST SERIES 🙀🙀🙀 this might be a bit messy for the first part but i do hope u guys enjoyed it!!

taglist :: @espressomads @mattsluttywaist @sturniol0s @luverboychris

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x fem!oc #chris sturniolo x you #chris sturniolo angst #light angst #fluff if you squint #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #chrissfawn #matt sturniolo x you

[caffeinatedopossum]

I just want to be able to indulge in my disorder without losing my ability to draw often and hyperfixate and hold a conversation and physically digest food without nausea and pain

#maybe i just want to get better but i dont know how #its so so hard. i cant even put it into words #i dont want to live like this. its like my only 2 options are relapse and maybe feel happy sometimes #or keep pushing for recovery but hate myself and my life and everything i make and every waking moment #and every bite of food that im just a little too aware of sitting in my stomach as i wait for something to get better #but it doesn't. i can draw and talk to people ig but its not good enough. my life is still being controlled by this shit #i wish i never tried to recover sometimes... just to keep up the illusion that things could get better if i chose to make them that way #what a joke. i was never in control of my life. if it isnt my ed its my DID or my anxiety or my phobias or ptsd or my insomnia #or my dysphoria or my autism or my disabilities #im so tired. i cant do anymore but i cant do nothing. i just want some decisiveness for once

[rbtlvr]

(text from this post, fic is little kid with a big death wish by @remedyturtles)

i'm genuinely not sure where to start here - ig first of all this fic is absolutely incredible and if you somehow haven't read it yet you absolutely should!

okay. man. rem, this fic means so so much to me and i'm so glad i got to be here for it. i think this is one of those fics that'll stick with me years down the line even if one day i'm not into tmnt anymore, one i'll come back to over and over again

your writing has touched so so many people myself very much included, and i just. want to thank you so much for writing this fic and thank you for sharing it. you're an amazing writer and an amazing person and i'm lucky to know you. i can't wait to see what you do next

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #tmnt #little kid with a big death wish #my art #forgor all my tags its ok ill come back later <3 anyway #god theres legit so so so much more i wanted to say but i cant get. the words right augh #i kinda tried to put some of it in the comic though so. yeah. the emotions anyway #idk idk i just have a Lot of feelings abt this fic and how real it feels and just . man. it hits so so hard /pos #just... the fact that dw leo has been through everything he has and is capable of recovery and living. even if he doesnt want to live just #yet. hes getting there. makes me feel like i can too as cheesy as that sounds lajfd;lajlfkl #anyway ive rambled enough i spent ten (10) full days on this comic i am setting it loose into the world. be free #suicide attempt cw #dissociation cw #<- just to be safe. ask to tag if theres anything else lafj;dljsafkl

[51ft]

(Bg3 spoilers)

So you know how one of the tenets of Shar’s church is “Love is a lie. Only hate endures.” But Shart is so desperately hopeful that Shar loves her….. then Shar goes on to demand DJ Shart’s “whole heart” …. Shart’s line to a romanced Tav that goes “please don’t call it love” or something or the other. Do you think this is something she demands of every DJ or another god’s favorite princess thing

(Coughs also something something Shar wants Sharts whole heart uhhhh um. Shadow Heart ???) (I am forcefully expelled from the stage)

moment of silence for every single dj in a loveless relationship rip...

I THINK THE IDEA IS LIKE, (imo) their worship of the goddess should supersede any kind of romantic entanglement which makes sense but i think shart is just exceptionally zealous (overcompensating, but for what?? :)c) about her worship and thus is super dramatic about it bc shes gods favourite princess

we have exhibit b nocturne who is So Normal by comparison

#bg3 spoilers #q&a #you cant tell me nocturne is the only normal person trappedi n the cult even if the game doesnt show us #its hard to figure out the deal with the dark justiciars bc the timeline is so wack #youre telling me that the battle for reithwin was fought ~80 yrs ago with an army of dark justiciars #but by the time of the game theyre like #a lost tradition #in a universe where some creatures live for a millenia or more #ALSO WHY IS THERE AN ARMY OF DJS WHEN THEYRE SUPPOSEDLY SHARS RIGHT HAND ELITE WHO WORK ALONE AND IN THE SHADOWS??? #WERE THERE NO OTHER SOLDIERS IN KETHERICS ARMY BESIDES DARK JUSTICIARS #i mean this is fine its just dndisms retroactively silly puttys in the lore #anyways if dark justiciar rly are the small handpicked elite then yeah it would make sense for me that they THROW THEIR HEART AWAY FOR SHAR #its just funny that shadowheart has to take you aside and put it in those words specifically #like she needs you to know she cant love u bc shes bad at lying and despite everything she still cares :''')

[mishy-mashy]

Julius is just a Hard Knock Life orphan on a path called Julius's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

#hes so optimistic that i know i cant be that forward-looking #i say that as an optimist #dude's parents died and he thinks he just has to keep moving doing his best and such #he had his name eaten and just keeps a journal so he can grow from the experience #his parents are dead his life was upheaved and considering the flash flood a lot of his friends probably died too #and he consistently makes terrible first impressions because of misunderstandings #with joshua ferris subaru and even reinhard calls him out on it #but hes still. forward looking? with his life id ask WHY #an optimist full of insecurities that nonetheless wants to become a better version of himself than yesterday #that wants others to grow #that wants to be someone who can respect his parents' sacrifice #and is willing to play the villain without ever explaining himself to save his own image #id think his mental fortitude is off the charts #rezero #re zero #re:zero #julius juukulius #little orphan boy living a goodly hard life #i can understand it but at the same time its incomprehensible and i dont know how to put it into words #life keeps kicking him #like footeball #and ottos the kicker right now #ITS A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US-

[majorshatterandhare]

Today I, an aromantic, was getting ready to attend a wedding… with Stranger on repeat.

#the mechanisms #stranger #ttbt2 #i knew what i was doing when i put it on but also i am working on an addtion to my brian-jonny foils post so i was thinking about brian #its always sad brian hours #i cant really read that song separate from him anymore. honestly not sure i ever could but. its just so unconnected from anything else.- #actaea and lyssa is pretty disconnected. but its still almost certainly on the city. alice is pretty disconnected but its a result of- #king cole’s war. the most disconnected songs are redeath. the ignominious demise of dr pilchard. drop dead. hereward the wake. and stranger- #(and frankenstein but i consider that its own thing). and redeath and drop dead are my least favorite mechs songs.dr pilchard i didnt- #really care for for quite a while. stranger has so few words in it. it’s my favorite song. but the story is minimal fron the song (ie w/o- #knowing the crane wife story) so making a story around it sort of makes sense? im having a hard time with the words here. like we expect a- #story. cause that’s what the mechs do. and stranger has a story. it just doesnt have context and so creatong that context for ourselves is- #understandable. to be expected even. hope that makes sense #side note: i think it would make sense for hereward to have been from the same place (system I guess) as the people that made- #fort galfridian. i mean hereward was more of a real person than arthur (since there was no one person arthur was based on. like thats a- #whole thing) and hereward was anglo-dutch. so it makes sense hed be related to that story somehow #its just a theory. obviously. theres nothing in the songs connecting the too as far as im aware. #OH also achilles pointed out to me the anti-amatonormative/aromantic reading of stranger and i liked that a lot #hereward was anglo-danish. not anglo-dutch. sorry danish and dutch people

[skyburger]

whos your favorite of the crusaders from part 3... i think i love baofu the most tbh

#persona 2 #baofu #jjba #jotaro kujo #noriaki kakyoin #joseph joestar #muhammad avdol #jean pierre polnareff #persona 2 eternal punishment #kaoru saga #p2ep #p2 #this is making me laugh stupid hard ITS NOT EVEN A GOOD BIT. THIS IS A STUPID BIT. but its really funny to me right now #im too lazy to type out context for this just search like the words ''baofu'' and ''joestar'' and youll probably find it #i mean. if tumblr search decides to work. but thats not up to me #(all jokes aside if u like cant actually find it just send me an ask and ill find it for u) #...should i tag this. i might tag this. i think im gonna tag this i want to really confuse and/or annoy someone #maybe even both if im lucky #and in case you were wondering (which im sure you were not): #i did actually google heights for this and try to make it roughly accurate. like i put a stupid amount of effort into this #not that much. but like for what this is? wayyyy too much time went into it #its okay though i had fun. peace and love on planet earth #muffin mumbles #edit: just remembered i think tumblr only shows the first few of ur tags im going to move the character tags to the front #so if these tags seem like theyre in a weird order. Thats probs why

[midnightfangz]

You know. When i started playing skyrim, i expected to get stuff like exploring a vast open world for hours, long and useless fetch quests, a handful of funny glitches here and there, a decent storyline.....

In a way, i got all of that and yet. It gets boring pretty quickly and the worldbuilding is kinda lacking so i padded out the lore w my own headcanons and interpretations in the more important parts to entertain myself, but uh.

Is the intense and long lasting Cicero obsession supposed to be a part of the whole playing experience, too, or

#tell me why he (as a character) sticks out the most to me #and its not even in the hee hee hoo hoo funny crazy guy in a jester outfit :) way. he fascinates me so much i cant even put it into words #ulfric? fuck that bitch i didnt even realise he was in the beginning cutscene too until i talked to him later in the game #brynjolf? smash but he loses all character development when you finish the thieves guild questline #farkas and vilkas? literally anyone from the companions? i only remember aela bc i married her #not one skyrim npc was interesting to me no matter how much info i got about them. then came cicero #cant get enough of that bitch and i still dont understand why #i wanna put him in a pringles can and shake him so hard #(welcome to my collection of blorbos that never leave my head. sorry) #not writing related #long tags #skyrim #skyrim tes #cicero skyrim

[tlgtw]

MGSV really is *so* misogynistic it is honestly hard to believe. It has ONE named female character, just one. And holy shit, the things they make that single woman do.

I don't know what happened. Or how Kojima thought what we was doing was defensible.

I could just link to the introduction of the SKULL snipers from Mission 28 Code Talker but even that I feel is so unbelievable to see with your own eyes that it would exit the mind as soon as it stopped playing.

Literally every criticism made during that era toward's this game is accurate. Every single one.

It might legit be the WORST example of "male gaze," literally literally ever. Out of everything.

If MGSV had outright no women in it whatsoever it would be better than what this is.

The cutscene for when Big Boss comes to Mother Base after not showering was what sealed it for me.

And the fact that there were people back then who thought they could defend this perhaps makes it even more deranged.

#mgsv #completely incoherent post #I love love love playing this game but holy shit #It is fucking unbearable. #Play it on your computer with the mod 'Take Me of the Grid + No More Timers + Free Deployment' installed #The game is legitimately hot garbage without it. #what the fuck happened to result in the difference between how woman are treated in this game and then... Death Stranding????? #Wtf??????? #its inexplicable #Kojima; as skilled a designer and director as he certainly is #is absolutely also a misogynist #I think MGSV is the hard fucking proof frankly #You can't make this. AND whine about how people refused to like it. That shit definitely counts augh my god #still a completely incoherent post #aough #i cant even put the words together #the actual moment to moment core gameplay is so fun its ridiculous #but oh my god everything else is SO so bad #how can I even like it? #I don't know. I do. but somehow maybe I should not ldjfjskjfsjkdf #dfjkbgjkdbflglbksbkfgbjkdsfbgbdfgbkjbjkdfbjkg #and it's still stupid as hell that you can't fulton yourself like you do in Peace Walker. Literally just to make you waste more GMP #to force you to depend on the online features. Which gives you millions of GMP at the drop of a hat #Evil game

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol #anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol #i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious; #ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc #then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close. #next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go. #they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state #i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go. #like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away. #yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u #to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds #if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing. #my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left #in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself #22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world #i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too #i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like #i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this #situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it #ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming. #at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy #while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday #like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh. #i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare #and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth??? #truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin #when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!! #its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever #mcr #when will mcr return from the war

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so the hospital group that diagnosed my stroke as an anxiety attack&let me sit in their er for roughly five hours is in the news #bc body cam footage came out showing them having called the police on a patient who was 'refusing to leave' #despite the fact that he 'had no medical reason for being there'. #he had ODd&they had given in narcan. he was also homeless. so all the actual rules about watching a patient post resus #went out the window in favor of calling police&being incredibly cruel about it. #the man died at the police station. where they took him bc they looked him up&he had bench warrants. #they couldn't process him bc he was totally unresponsive. they tried tho. best believe they tried. #&when they had to explain why they were didnt try to get him medical help they released the body cam footage. #prob the only time they didnt throw tantrums over it too seeing as it successfully shifted the blame. #the hospital has had to apologize publically for the 'failure' on their part. #i cant even put my feelings into words. #ive said it once ill say it every fucking time learning medicine was not&is not hard. its not worthy of special note. #its something you do bc you care. &if thats not the case i hope you die of the medical neglect you would force onto those #who come to you for fucking help. #pathetic. absolutely fucking pathetic. #i might not ever be able to work in traditional medicine but w stories like these why the fuck would i ever want to? #why would i ever want to be associated w willful fucking murderers? bc thats what medical neglect from a medical pro at their work is. #fucking murder.

[mogai-sunflowers]

i’ve realized that my gender feels to personal. so parts of it can be described with one word for a certain gender, but the deepest parts of it can’t be put into a singular gender title, so from now on for those parts of my gender i am just using a certain flag to fit a certain description of my gender, not a gender name. here’s my gender and its flags.

my gender-

my gender is the divinity of the sun and moon portrayed together in the sky, the celestial reign of the realm of the moon and the night, and the realm of the sun and the day- and all in a sapphic, femme/butch way. my genderqueerness is the depiction of the sun, the sun’s realm, as a butch divine being who compliments the moon, the stars, the night sky, and their realm, a femme divine being. one’s genderqueerness is the personification of the night sky, or celestiality, as a femme divine being/goddess who compliments the god of the sun and its realm, a butch divine being/goddess/god. the divinely beautiful colors, concepts, aesthetics, and deep meaning of the sun and moon as each others other half, a butch sun god of the day who is the other half, the compliment, the love, of the femme celestial goddess of the night, and the glorious harmony of their two realms complimenting each other in celestial eternity. this genderqueerness is deep and infinite beyond words, yet these are the best words i could find to fit.

A flag with nine horizontal stripes, each of equal size except for the thick central stripe. From top to bottom, the colors are off-white, golden, orange, red, deep grey, indigo, royal blue, periwinkle, and off-white. A sun-and-moon symbol is in the center

------------------------------------------

my gender is the sweet romance of the red rose beneath the deep blue divinity of the celestial domain of the night sky. it is the sweet taste of the divinity of the night sky, of the romanceful remedy that is the red rose's royalty. my gender is the gentle sweetness of a starcrossed love story, a story of love and roses written in the night sky. it is too sweet and beautiful for words, o that beloved sweet rose, o a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, o the embrace of long lost lovers becoming one amongst the stars, together forevermore in the night sky.

A flag with nine horizontal stripes, the top and bottom twice as thick as the rest. The colors are black, navy blue, mid blue, royal blue, black, royal blue, mid blue, navy blue, and black. There are stars across the flag and red roses in the center.

these feel like the two deepest, richest, most personal parts of my gender, so im just going to be using the flags instead of pressuring myself into finding a singular label for them because honestly it induces so much dysphoria to feel like this beautiful part of myself is confined to a language that doesn’t have the capacity to communicate the depths of my soul. that’s why im sticking with genderqueer as an umbrella gender label, using my gender hoard for other parts of my gender, and using these flags/descriptions for the deepest part of my gender.

#genderqueer #queer #queer gender #queer pride #queer positivity #queer community #this is so hard to talk about its so deep i cant even put it into words #but the flags help because synesthesia induces euphoria which is much more tangible to me personally than words

[lee-vi6]

.

#another random thing #this happened a couple days ago now but it keeps popping up in my mind #i was hanging with friends and we were talking about if being left handed makes you left footed #i was like “ohh i don't actually know if i'm left footed just because im left handed hmm” #and then this one girl who i am friends with but not close tells me to stand up and face away from her #im obviously very apprehensive as to what she's about to do #the second i turn my back on her she shoves me #not hard at all #just enough to jolt me forward unexpectedly #and my right foot comes forward first to steady myself instead of my left one sooo she says i'm right footed #and then i obviously sit down like nothing happened #BUT #the question is...why was i like??? turned on????? #i'm not attracted to her physically at all so its not even about her but just what happened to me if that makes sense #do i just enjoy getting manhandled and pushed around that much??? that i dont care which gender does it?? #goddamn #i cant even put into words how it makes me feel when i remember it and its a bit embarrassing to admit #im just getting such butterflies in my stomach (and pussy)

[truckstoptigers]

i remember i'd hear about how my state is one of the most dangerous places in terms of sex trafficking and i would think, what an awful thing. how terrible is it that my state has such an issue with trafficking that it's enough for it to be a well-known, well-documented serious danger/risk area.

and i still didn't think it would ever happen to me.

#familial trafficking is a very real thing and i am not okay :) #i still have a hard time coming to terms w it. i mean. thats what happened. i was trafficked. but it wasnt a stranger. #it was my fucking dad!! what the fuck!!!!! #he wouldnt stick around whenever hed bring me somewhere so it could happen. he literally left me w men he didnt even really know. #i remember one of them asked me once 'think your dad would let me keep you?' and all i could do was cry because well. #what exactly was stopping him from taking me? it sure as hell wasnt the law because me being seven fucking years old didnt matter. #im sure some of them thought about it. i just got lucky. i only got to go back home because of dumb luck. not everyone gets that chance. #sometimes i still feel like shit for using the word 'trafficking' to describe what happened to me because i know thats what it was #but it still doesnt feel like its *my* word to use. like im blowing it all out of proportion even though thats. literally what it was. #i dont know how to talk to anyone about it. just typing this made me have to put my phone down for a minute so i could try to calm down. #and then i also had to set it down for like an hour for the same reason. i just. im gonna go play minecraft for a few hours. #csa vent #trauma vent #actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #tw trafficking #forgetting about this shit for years and having the memories come flooding back all of a sudden has been. SO difficult. #im so tired of thinking about it but i cant stop.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

n jus like that my academic standing goes from "im doing pretty well but i need to keep it up to keep my gpa above a three" to "im gonna need to fight tooth n nail to get a solid three n even then it probly wont happen"

funny how i end up in this situation every semester! i dont think my parents are gonna forgive me this time.

#like my cumulative gpa is decent enough to where i'll stay in the program #but lets jus say i am IN FOR IT when i go home to my parents #oh theyre gonna be sooooo mad #oh fuck im so fucked #i cant even put it into words theyre gonna be so so so mad #n its not like this semester was hard for everyone #MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING STRAIGHT A'S #FUCK when did i become so STUPID #i need to calm down #why does this always happen to me #i have friends who get hundreds on exams n i hafta fight TOOTH N NAIL TO GET A C #i jus got another fucking D on an exam i have no hope #ok off to calculate what i need on my finals to not have my mother scream at me n then gimme the silent treatment for three days #(not an exaggeration. its happened two semesters in a row now.) #yall better pray im not your nurse #cause apparently im FUCKING SHIT AT IT

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm so tired of having to put relentless effort into everything I do. I just want things to be easier for once.

#just realized this sounds like its about perfectionism but its actually about beinf disabled #everything is an obstacle. everything is a barrier. #and its so exhausting i just want a break #i cant even put into words all the ways that things are so hard because it would take so much time and thought #and i just dont have the energy