#ive been manifesting a bf like him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suekre · 3 years

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So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense. It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this - I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

#ocd #rocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #relationship obsessive compulsive disorder #mental disorder #sanne rambles

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melodramaticmelon · 4 years

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cw / tw emotional abuse

Soooo about 11 months ago I shaved my whole head due to some interpersonal stress that had triggered my scalp eczema, and 3 months after that I got out of an emotionally abusive / toxic / manipulative friendship.

I only intended to keep my hair until the end of last year but idk i thought it might be fun to try and keep it again since i`m back in school and who knows when i`ll be able to do this bc of work and office dress codes or whatever.

I started to view my hair growth in parallel to emotional recovery, since i shaved it off around that time, and lets just say IT HASNT BEEN EASY BC my god my scalp and ears went completely berserk bc of the constant contact/ heat/ dirt/ general irritation but like... its gonna be a year in a couple weeks and this is the longest ive ever had it AND had the knowledge about how to take care of it. idk i thought id draw some choice moments from the last few months, since i’ve had a rather strenuous relationship with my hair in this period (i.e. I almost impulse shaved 3 times)

i`ll maybe reblog with some of the reference pictures bc ive been thoroughly documenting my hair (i started to notice hairfall around last week and starting obsessing even though all the long haired ppl in my life... essentially all the women... said it was normal and im like IM FALLING APART but whatveer) anyway ive written much more than i expected and its entirely possible that fucker will see this but doesnt matter lmao

also my bf has been rlly great throughout this ordeal even though the rship was strained and idk... defos couldnt have come out of this w/o him and like he’s stopped me from shaving my head on a few occasions haha, im terribly lucky to have the support of my friends and family too so im just like... i need to hair to THRIVE as a physical manifestation/representation of recovery i guess

#art #artists on tumblr #drawing #character design #curly hair #original #me #i guess its pretty clear now if it wasnt before why my about me section is #ihavecurlyhair #i cant wait to like... try those like... viking-ish hairstyles...#omggg #andre talks #draws

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stillwooozy · 3 years

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well my mom is having heart surgery, or idk a stent put in her heart - isnt that heart survery? Anyways shes getting better so thats good.

Ive been playing chess w/ my dad but my 10 yr old brother can beat us both so my dad isnt pissed at me anymore. He lost to my brother so he yelled at HIM for “having an attitude” and i felt bad. sore loser much? I’m competitive as hell, but only for things i know im objectively good at. He admits he isnt good at chess. I’m kinda surprised cuz ngl my dad is smart and my 10 yr old brother is..... 10. But i guess my dads intellect manifests as writing ability and my brother is advanced in math sooo... maybe chess = math? Idk. They are still forced to quaratine cuz they have covid, i doubt i’ll get it but i’ll get tested when they do again. My dogs are going crazy cuz i cant take them to the park.

My mom will come home in a few days. I’m actually excited/relieved. Usually i dread seeing her cuz she always finds something to critize me about but now im just happy she isnt dead. Haha hashtag-compassion. Shes on a bunch of drugs but shes off a venilator and sounds okay. she tested negative for covid so shes done with that im pretty sure. Shes getting a stent put in. I tried to talk to a doctor cuz she was being vague but he wouldnt tell me anything and im like :/ i get it but... i wish they would make my life easier, im the last person who should act as a husband/parent figure but here i am. My dad is pissing me off - if he cant control a situation he gets angry & ignores it. Straight up. I WISH i could do that but i have a guilty complex instilled by my very own mother.

One of my brothers i watching attack on titan so thats pretty interesting. he’s 12 and i was like... um isnt that too young? But i was 13 when i watched it so i guess not

My mom told me if i picked up her meds after i pick her up from the hospital she’ll give me half her painkillers and was like “but dont OD”. I mean im not going to turn them down. Me - turning down tramadol? What reality would that be. she’s a weird woman. I feel bad for her, she blames everyone else for her problems including me but ik she loves me. even if she hates part of me at the same time. A part of me is convinced that ill die by drugs if i never manage to kick the habit but i’d also feel really bad knowing she’d blame herself. I mean its almost comedic how dysfunctional my family is. She goes full Karen begging for opioids, then gives her mentally ill son half the pills as a reward. hey - positive reinforcement i guess? Good for her. Dont hit ur kids - just give them drugs when they are being a good little boy.

I think i’ll watch AoT w/ my brother. Hes the sibling i probably ignore most. him and my 10 yr old brother. I like my 6 yr old brother and my 19 yr old sister. I mean i love all my siblings but come on..... 9-15 yr old boys are batshit. i say this from personal experience.

I asked him if he liked Eren x Mikasa cuz idk. Isnt that what most basic shonen preteen boys are into? I forced myself to read eremika hentai when i was about his age. He’s a nice jewish boy too, so 50/50 chance he has an east asian fetish. You want to know his reply??? “No I don’t see anyone as a couple they all seem gay to me - no offense”. None taken brother ... i have to agree

i was flirting w/ 2 girls on tinder - no worries im not going to spread covid i promise - and i’ve come to the realization that....... why do most “alt” girls SAY they want a bi boy to “peg” but...... get uncomfortable when that bi twink actually gets fucked by men. like what??????? they just want a boy who wears flowery blouses and eyeshadow. sorry hun i’m not that person. I look like mac demarco if he was a twink in the worst way possible. I hate this trend cuz its insincere or maybe im just self concious cuz im gross. its just....... u cant ask for a bi bf...... but not really want them to ever have fucked a man????????? Grindr is disgusting but damn tinder girls are judgemental. I look like david dobrick if he was gay & mentally ill - what do u expect of me? I just miss my ex. She was unusal and im just fully appreciating that. She was the only person (beside my ex who pulled a lil peep before it was cool) who matched my type of crazy. Unfortunately 2 crazy ppl can’t last long.

To clarify i dont tell ppl, i never will, that she was “my crazy gf” or “crazy ex”. I dont mean it as a fully bad thing - i mean im the one on antipsychs (she was on lithium.. what a romance amiright). I miss her so badly. I think about texting or calling her everyday. Honestly idk if she would answer. Maybe she has moved on. We both have a minimal (public) social media presence so i cant stalk her online. she just posts memes & social justice stuff on her sc. she didnt block me from any platform. I pretend she found this blog and can stalk me & i hope she feels bad for me - pathetic right? It wasnt even a bad breakup. We were never on the “same page”, not that type of couple or chemistry, but we enjoyed being together and i miss that cuz atm i have no one but my mentally ill family. jk my siblings are surprisingly sane. I mean the younger ones have time.

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ohkimani · 4 years

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i know this might be a weird ask but how do you not get separation issues from your boyfriend when he or you have to leave eachother....i always seem to be a little down when me or my bf have to leave and idk what to do

omg yes 100% and he calls me out on it all the time because i get so irritable and mean when i realize we’ll be apart and ive been trying to work on it but i think it’s just my wiring??? he laughs it off but i just dont like missing people (especially him) and this manifests itself as me throwing an adult tantrum smh

#Anonymous

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angelstalkshit · 4 years

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my new job is so perfect for me 💘

ive been making friends!!! real ones toooo not just situation-based or toxic ones like i always have😊

i know that i definitely definitely definitely need more friends and time TRULY to myself (not just in a different room than my bf), so i know i need to move out... which is still ahhhh so scary to think about. i've been living with a boyfriend for basically 10 years straight (current one for 5 &1/2 years). and im only 24!!?! i know that it is most definitely time for me to change that.

however it gets tricky when the details come in like, will we still be together? do i need a break from being in a relationship or just call it all off without any regard for the future? do i need to see other people and be polyamorous but still with him?? do i just need to learn how to take care of myself and everything will be better???

hahahaha so ive only made the first decision which is to move out..

now i just have to like figure out how to do that (: on my own? with a stranger or two? with some newly made acquaintences? ugh. i know the chickie i met today is in a similar situation and i already get good vibes from her but damnnnnnnnnn thats a lot of trust from me like i can only feel comfortable with living either by myself or with a fucking boyfriendddd.

but i know my distrust holds me back so... should i just not think too much about this sort of thing...... i REALLY like my space to express myself though i think thats why i need to live with people i can trust af.

next personal post will be of positive manifestation.

#personal #text post #relationships #relationship trouble #trust #mistrust #distrust #hurt #scars #trauma #anxiety #feel free to reply

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gremmin · 4 years

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The other day I had a dream:

(There was a chameleon changing colors when I seen him he tried to hid from me this was me and my sister in the same place like a Arizona type house but she’s been being very distant to me lately, ✨)

Ooo he chameleon shows us The ability to camouflage is something that is used to defend against unwanted predators in the wild. To see a chameleon in your dream means that you are recognizing your ability to change and adapt to the environment around you. 🦎 (So it is saying I have to camouflage myself when I’m around Sonya and other people to protect myself and that it is becoming more easily for me to obtain being that way) 🦎 as well as A dream about a chameleon shows that you have the ability to change and adapt to strange and uncertain circumstances in your life, especially if the chameleon in your dream is adapting to a healthy green environment. The dream shows that no matter what is thrown at you, you can handle it.

The chameleon symbolism represents a period of changes. ... The chameleon spirit animal symbolizes sensitivity and clairvoyance. It encourages you to have patience, to gain insight, to always be curious, and to be resourceful. I’ve forgotten what color it changed to but I’m pretty sure it was green turning into a blue.?

The next sign I saw was a mini pig 🐖

To dream of a pig is associated with being rather stubborn in life. It can be associated with gluttony and greed in waking life. Additionally, the pig can also stand for a terrible menace. Perhaps somebody has cost you dearly or treated you badly. 🐖 (since this was a mini pig in the dream this shouldn’t be as big of a problem but a small annoyance, it can mean maybe I’m walking with greed, this could be for certain reason because why would I want to give to my sister who is hating me, maybe I’m being blind in a side, Sonya has been treating me horribly as if I’m not even in the house when she came up stairs, this only adds to how much I won’t want to “forgive” her. Fuck her.

🐖 In dreams, pigs can be a sign of stubbornness, selfishness, filth, gluttony, greed, overindulging and similar things. This dream could represent someone in your life with such traits, or it could reveal some of your characteristics, pointing out that you need to change them ( I’m just going to flat out assume that it’s about Sonya because it only make SO MUCH SENCE) come to a fact that Sonya was actually born under the pig totem in Chinese totem! As well as Kenny! They are about the same people lmfaooooo

The next sign I saw was me riding on a horse I cannot remember the color at this time: 🐎

Riding a Horse – If you dream that you are riding a horse it can indicate a control over your natural instincts and a strong drive towards your goals in life. ... Controlling or Restricting a Horse – If you see a horse that is being constrained and controlled it can indicate a feeling of your true self being repressed. 🐴 ( I’ve learned a lot how to handle myself and respect myself in a lot of ways now, I have strong goals and I could feel tied up because my relationship a bit but maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’ve taken a lot of control myself to be able to drive and feel confident while driving, I’m getting close to some goals.)

Horse. ... The horse is a universal symbol of freedom without restraint, because riding a horse made people feel they could free themselves from their own bindings. Also linked with riding horses, they are symbols of travel, movement, and desire. 🐴 (I’m a half of Sagittarius I have a strong will to travel and a lot of desires, a lot of movement is key to my source of energy)

Other characteristics horses represent are prosperity, forward motion, growth, loyalty, and stamina. Moreover, all horses are associated with the feng shui element of fire, as well as strong yang.

I’m feeling as if the horse was a light brown; Brown is the color of stability, comfort, and the home. Brown horses in dreams can symbolize a time of feeling safe and secure in our relationships at home and even indicate a comfort with ourselves.

Riding a horse in this manner means that we have command over impulses, our instincts, our intuition, and are friends with our unconscious 🐎 (Like Iv said I have taken a lot of time to work on myself along with my impulsiveness and my sexual instincts, my intuition has become quite sharp as well it all makes me super happy and I feel calmer in life now, I now expect for things to happen for a reason. I don’t have a lot of friends but I have quite a few acquaintances, a friend is someone I can be completely open with a someone I can talk to without hesitations and Iv known them for quite some time, you earn your stripes in my eyes lol )

The next sign was walking my dog Harley, 🐕 now Harley has passed for a long time now I’d say about 9 years now wow.. I always need to give him a moment I’m very sad on how I lost him.. rip my babyboy Harley,

To take a dog for a walk in the dream is a positive sign which denotes that, you will have much success and your life is highly productive. So keep working hard to maintain your lifestyle. If you see another person walk a dog in the dream it means that you feel you are in charge of something you are accomplishing. 🐕 (I was actually walking Harley while riding the horse lol it wasn’t hard but Harley was going slow at sometimes and I was nervous about his walking rope/chain. 🐕 ( maybe this was indicating that I will have a big amount of power with a type of business that I have that I will have success but it could be rocky at times,)

To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream may suggest that your values and good intentions will bring you success

The next sign was someone eating a mushroom, that so happened to be Austin my bf eating the mushrooms lmao this wasn’t a very good choice for him in the dream because it was a unknow mushroom and if I remember correctly he didn’t feel good after eating it:

Mushrooms are very symbolic and can mean quite a few different things. If in your dream you are eating mushrooms rather carelessly, this may indicate a sudden abundance of wealth. However, this is a wealth that is dealt with somewhat foolishly. ... Dreaming of a mushrooms that are growing in the ground symbolize fertility. 🍄 (this is probably saying he will get a large amount of money but handle it carelessly, and loose it all this is what I’m always worried with him/: I’m really good at money but he can be very poorly with it)

Eating mushrooms in a dream is a symbol of a happy marriage and a full life, dream books predict. 🍄( it was a dream of Austin and I so we should have a happy marriage one day and a full life together ) 💕

Eating raw mushrooms - unexpectedly interesting relationships. 🍄( Austin was eating the mushrooms raw I’m nervous of him trying to have a affair one day.. even though he’s not like that I still have to suspect it) 💔

if you pick up mushrooms, it means that you will receive unpredictable reward for hard work and diligence, manifested in some deals. After eating mushrooms in a dream, you will have only pleasure and enjoyment in life. 🍄( Austin picked them up lol)

Another sign was a pink prying mantis:

To dream of a praying mantis represents your feelings about a person or situation that has a total disregard for your feelings. Feeling that someone is intentionally unsupportive. ... A praying mantis may also reflect your own attempts to pressure people with fear or unbearableness to get them to go away. ✨( Sonya has disregard for my feelings asf lmao she is a very UNsupporive person in my life) ( I can say that I pressure people a lot into leaving me alone because I know it’s for the best and I guess that’s just how I like to live, easy and simple)

A Spiritual Symbol of Peace and Patience. The Praying Mantis naturally attracts attention. Its beautiful color and graceful form command us to look and ponder. Encountering these remarkable insects may indicate that Spirit is speaking to you in an important way. ✨( that could be saying to have more peace and patience and to watch in silence)

Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds. An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. ✨( this week I am home alone Austin goes to work and colter is at my moms for the week I’m going to be cleaning but also working on myself with excersizing and more meditation with my spirit guides) I need to take time to be calm and collected and to understand so much more and love this silence I get to have this week)

The color pink for the pink prying mantis is that Pink, a delicate color that means sweet, nice, playful, cute, romantic, charming, feminine, and tenderness, is associated with flowers, babies, and sweetness. The color pink is the color of universal love of oneself and of others. 💞( this pink is meaning to be sweet and having all that good energy put to use, good things come out of it)

(Before all this a sign I had in a earlier dream before this long dream took place I was with Logan and Crista she was still pregnant and I seen a color black take over, I have a lot of rocky dreams with those two and they seem to always be rough and confusing. ) I’ll look up a lot what it means at some point but here is what the color black indicates:

Color Meaning: Meaning of The Color Black. ... Black is associated with power, fear, mystery, strength, authority, elegance, formality, death, evil, and aggression, authority, rebellion, and sophistication. Black is required for all other colors to have depth and variation of hue. The black color is the absence of color.

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kattitude130 · 6 years

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i gave up on infinity war and decided to just watch cloak & dagger episode 1. putting it all in one post bc theres multiple eps so it might be better organized this way

hhhhhh ballet class *war flashbacks* (i have bad memories of ballet class)

little boy ty looks precious in that big hoodie

“if i get in trouble again my pops is gonna beat the black out of me” “looks like he already did, b” oh damn

where is this little girl’s dad its pouring rain in new orleans, its gonna be up to her knees before he gets there

*cops show up* oh fuck

this is why you dont talk on the phone while driving!!! did dr strange teach us nothing????

oh fuuuuck brother no

well now the water will reach her knees in a different way

what the fuck just happened

went from ballet classes to club regular real quick (idk how old she is but isnt she a teenager????)

im not getting good vibes from this guy shes hanging out with

BTW i am definitely taking constant mental notes of how marvel interprates/uses/utilizes new orleans for my self insert ideas..............because APPARENTLY they didnt forget it existed like i thought they did and now i have to acknowledge there are mcu heroes on MY turf

“clubs arent actually my thing, i love a good house party” “i have a house!” asdfghjkjhgfddfghj actual quote guys

now, BASKETBALL memories? those are still bad but at least better than my ballet memories. i was actually good at basketball we just never won a single game

OK SO YOURE JUST GONNA...GO HOME WITH A TOTAL STRANGER PROBABLY 5+ YEARS OLDER THAN U AND JUST....DRINK ON HIS PROPERTY AND ACT LIKE THIS IS OKAY... OKAY!

god i know that feel bro when u get knocked down by an opposing team member and the ref dont call it...... :discord sadface:

OH DFGHJKHG OH SO SHES A BURGURLAR THATS WHAT IT IS. im so fucking relieved. this shouldnt relieve me but i am

omg shes actually badass, deja vu would look up to her. somewhat of a criminal but deja vu would let her slide

HOLY SHIT that white boy fucking pushed him by the head down to the ground n ty grabs his arm and fuckin socks him ON THE FUCKIN COURT GET HIM TY

FGDHFSFKHDS IS THE REF REALLY NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING IF I STARTED THROWING PUNCHES ON THE COURT THE COACH HERSELF WOULD BE ON THE COURT BEATING MY ASS

THE TEAM HAD TO STEP IN AND SEPARATE THEM WHAT IS THIS BASKETBALL GAME!!!!

oh....tandy.... :(

emojis are what makes us human

fghjkhgfdfghj tandy trying to scam ty....i know how this story goes its going to backfire and then hes your boyfriend

emojis hold power

sdfhgasjdfhsgh i knew it, she took his wallet

COPS STRAIGHT UP LYING ABOUT THAT BOYS DEATH fuck....

oh fuck pig spotted

ty’s mom :(

???? i knwo youre a scrappy teen but you couldve just stayed in the seating area? why did you have to sneak to the railing above the stage? okay

ty you have got to stop waking up in random places this is getting ridiculous (i already know he has teleportation powers and theyre manifesting in hilarious ways asdfghjkl)

where the fuck do you find a beacj like that in new oreans?? this was filmed in new orleans? (i guess ive mostly ever been to Tourist New Orleans but ive gone pretty far too ??)

CREEP ALERT CREEP ALERT

POCKET COCAINE!

die scum

so she did the steal-your-bfs-hoodie thing before he was even her bf that is hardcore girlfriend material right there

keeping a little girls ballet show for years is a little weird but ill let it slide for you, ty

honestly....not bad.....script could be better but i am intrigued......

#my post #marvel journey #cloak dagger watch #so i guess im doing this now

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wincore · 3 years

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hi miss moon! sorry it’s been so long, life has definitely gotten in the way a bit. i actually had a showcase the other day, so between rehearsals and practices i was swamped, and practically sleeping at the rink lmao. i have a few more finals next week and then I’m out for the summer! which is both exciting & daunting at the same time, i actually really love life on campus :( but the good thing is a lot of us from the hockey team and figure skating team are staying in the area for a multitude of reasons so I’m lucky enough to be able to spend summer in my new favorite city with my friends and a certain special someone...

which brings me to my next update; my boyfriend (!!!). I thought a lot about what you said, and what my best friend chimed in, and thought i should just be myself. which in this case meant asking him up front if there was a specific reason he wanted to put a label on it, etc. and while I’ve never been in an actual relationship before (plz don’t clown me ik🙄) i felt that i would still be able to gauge his intentions based on his response. (besides, i had a fruit slush bubble tea and moon’s advice; what could go wrong?)

well, actually, i started crying in his dorm room lol. but before you go all big sis energy 😡😡 let me explain 😭 so i asked if he wanted to get like boba after practice at the rink and he said yea, so we got boba and then we just started idly chatting but he had a finals paper to work on so he asked if i wanted to come back to his dorm room to chill. & again, let me preface by saying I’ve been to his dorm room before to play halo w him or when we’ve watched movies, so this isn’t his devilish man ploy to get in my pants, trust me moon, i would know✋😔 ANYWHO i was just up front about it when we got to his place and kind of just asked him if there was like a specific reason he wanted to be able to call me his gf yadda yadda the works. and get this. he said that a few different girls had approached him lately asking to hang out/hookup whatever, but he wasn’t interested because he was with me in whatever capacity our relationship was, but he wanted to ask me if i was ok being called his gf so he could tell other girls that he has a girlfriend because he only has eyes for me. but he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable so he wanted to ask me first before he started telling other ppl we were exclusive 😭 idfk if i explained that in a way that makes sense but SHEESH i started getting so emotional and crying because i didn’t know men could have thoughts like this??? and actually consider a girls feelings??? so long story short i said yes and he had the cutest smile ever and then we spent the night watching avengers endgame before he called me an uber home. now i swore i would not be caught dead saying that i cherish and respect a man, but hot damn if this hockey player isn’t growing on me...🥲

and finally, i saw your post about your adhd diagnosis. if it brings you any comfort i actually have a mild ocd diagnosis :) it manifested itself after starting ice skating so young and being pressured to have everything a certain way all the time, and that kind of just bled into the way i organized my life outside the rink. I’m on some pretty low dose meds for it now just to help me navigate school & life a bit easier, but i totally get it! getting a diagnosis can be unsettling because before then it was just a what if in your head. i try to tell myself that a diagnosis isn’t even that big of a deal, I’m still the same person i was before that i am now, except now i know why i sometimes arrange things around my dorm with a ruler so they are all geometrically even lmao. what I’m trying to say is that your diagnosis doesn’t define you! life goes on and whatnot, I’m always here if ya need me miss moon 😉 mwah😽😽🥰

- 🍡

ahahaha it's alright!!!! ive actually been having a pretty overloaded week too with reviews and assignments, not to mention the groveling I have to prepare myself to do to appease grad schools 🥲 i.... do not know when this was sent I'm so sorry 😭😭😭 but I hope your finals went well if they're over ❣️❣️ I'm sure you'd do great !! Also, omg I hope you got some rest too. Being a figure skater sounds fun but also super exhausting 😳

HELLLOOOO???? CONGRATULATIONS???!!? I'm so glad you decided on something so big and went with it 💕💕 also it's ok I've never been in a proper relationship ship before and don't plan to at this point 🤠👍 I will never love a man the way I love myself but it makes me feel so giddy and warm to see other people in love!!! does that make sense?? I don't rlly want it for myself (except just to experience it LOL) but listening to you (and your bf's hehe) story.... YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE !!!!!! WTH. congratulations on getting yourself a proper man 😡💘 (omg fruit slush bubble tea is the best, it brings me campus memories)

JDHDJFKK when you said you started crying in his room, I rlly was about to go big sis energy and beat this bitch up omg 🙂 it doesn't matter if I personally believe in non-violence. ("his devilish man ploy" SHJSDNDN I started laughing so hard) some men do deserve rights methinks also yeah 😭😭 every time a man expresses thoughtfulness irl I get stumped and I rlly shouldn't keep the bar that low but men who have emotional intelligence??? sign me tf up. You snagged a real male specimen there, I'm so happy for you 🤩🤩🤩

And thank you for telling me that!!! I didn't know a lot of people upfront with their diagnoses so it does bring me some comfort to hear that in a way. I'm much better rn since the initial shock (?? Can I call it that??) Has worn off and now I'm just. Ok. This is like this but it's okay. Your words are so nice to hear so thank you so much, mooncake, it really helps 🥺🌼

#🍡 anon #anon #answered

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yoantoneo · 6 years

Video

youtube

Check out @shaynainshamblesnew video, she talks about beauty in society and how it’s not the entire picture.

She also talks about eating disorders…. And I’ll share mine here:

When I was about 12 years old, I was scared that the girl I had a crush on in wouldn’t like me bc I was a bit chubby in my eyes. I still have a school picture of it. As a kid I thought I was “fat” but looking at it now, I would’ve been better off.

The heaviest I’ve been ever to this day has been 120lbs….I still struggle with it, not because I feel ugly about my weight, but I want to gain more and be “healthy” but I’ve gotten so used to not eating that eating a little fills me up. Im trying to gain weight but with depression and anxiety, ive lost a few more pounds in 2016 that I weighed 90lbs by December…so I began eating a bit more, weighed myself again a few weeks ago (2018), I got to 110lbs.

Now it’s the opposite, I’m embarrassed that a 25 yr old guy is really small. I hate that about myself. But I am trying to get better. It’s just that I’m forget to eat or I get full really fast :/

I was bullied since elementary school for my looks… I had a lot of testorerone that I grew hair quicker than my other friends during puberty. I also had a “unibrow” that the “cutest” girl in 5th grade told me that I should shave it off in front of the entire class as we ate lunch.

In middle school, I was fairly popular but quiet but my eating disorder haunted me. A girl I had a crush on always lost her pencil and she always asked me if I had any, I did, but since it was the middle of the day that I became hungry so often my stomach kept growling… Super emberassing for me

High school comes along and then I get bullied for talking to a girl, 2 guys jeep screaming behind me freshman year that I have a long nose… I tune them out as I talked to her. But it still got to me that I developed a dislike for my long nose (among other bully behavior)

Math class, a kid steals my seat, I don’t want to fight, so I just keep asking him to get off, everyone keeps watching, IDK what to do… He finally gets up but adds insult to injury by asking me about my teeth which I’m super self conscious about even to this day

Junior year I date a girl, she’s kind and all but there’s an ex bf who is like super bulked up and been in jail, to protect me I guess, she brakes up with me… Adding to my self image issues aka I’m small

Senior year went smoothly, besides the physical manifestation of anxiety… A girl told me I had really small girly hands. That shit gets to you…

The whole reason I joined athletics was to be the least a little bit of a “jock” even tho I played for the tennis team lol,but it all stemmed down to being scared of what people thought of me, that’s when I fell so deep into the toxic belief that you can be a man if you had a dozen girls in your arms… Maybe I couldn’t be bulky and I’m weak (since I dropped a girl 2x on accident lol), I could be considered hot and attractive

Ironically, the role models I secretly chose were genuine and attractive like the likes of Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds… I liked the way JT moved and how he seemed to have fun all the time and of course his moves/body, Gosling for his cute but serious demeanor, Reynolds for his confident roles

I love my nose most times now, I like the way I dress sometimes (I’m broke so….), and my teeth thing, yeah I know they’re cooked don’t point it out, if you do you’re rude af

And body hair, yeah I don’t like it, but maybe a little stubble and that’s about it

What I’m saying is…

I’m real, I have always felt ugly af, and if it wasn’t for YouTube and social media, I wouldn’t be able to meet the people that I know and love and support! Like @groove-patrol @quinintheclouds @shaynainshambles @justalphonse

@break-my-horcrux among others So, I’m with Shayna… Let’s take back the selfie and show others our realness. Hollywood is dead people… It’s part of the old school way of thinking. Just be you, because there’s something so beautiful about being perfectly imperfect! I'm finally at a place where I'm happy with who I am, but it took awhile, with enough selfies and videos of myself, I've shown the world who I am, little by little, and found amazing friends... This is the happiest I've been in years, and it's all thanks to my "vanity" and people who saw the value /beauty /talent in me and thus believed in me... And thus manifested into believing in myself, and that's the best fucking feeling anyone could ever give or receive

#shayna in shambles #yoantoneo #eating disroders #anxiety #depression #my story #being bullied #my insecurities #take back the selfie

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jonghyyn · 7 years

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1)this fandom turned to be disturbing yall only care about shinee sexual orientation and gender when its not of anyone's business. you spend all ur time on fighting over their personal matters instead of enjoying their music and what they give us. both sides acting like what they say is confirmed facts nd when one of shinee say random names or look at someone you act like they want to have sex with them nd yall act that the only attraction is sexual or romantic

2)the side that gets angry of the possibility that shinee are queer is homophobic nd not all idols has to be cis. the side that gets angry at the possibility that shinee might be like girls is weird coz we don't know these idols in real life no matter what they say or share with us

3) as an pan-aro nd part of lgbt its lowkey skeevy for me that shawols are painting shinee as lgbt icons when they only did basic decent things but in no way they r lgbt icons. yall literally could be calling a hetero guys an lgbt icons. I get wanting to connect more with them nd wanting representation but its not like this. actual lgbt people get killed nd a lots of lgbt people are fighting for our rights with little support bc we r looking in representation somewhere else we r not sure about

4) and please don't start with the closet talk bc I know how dangerous for an idol to come out but the idols u think they r queer might not be queer in the first place and if they were we have no right to want to them out too, at the end we don't know their sexualities. what am I saying is both opinions should be treated as headcanons not as confirmed facts nd this whole issue shouldn't have got that big. also neurodivergent idols headcanons should be respected too

tbh i dont even know what ur..trying 2 say by this?? i dont understand how youre like Yeah, Headcanons! but when ppl talk about headcanons ur like no...i didnt mean it like that... i mean it honestly baffles me how you reconcile these two things. if u respect ppls abilities to have headcanons youve also got to accept ppls ability to Talk about them as headcanons?? getting in discussions w ppl who say every idol Must be straight or cis isnt fighting w someone over shinees orientations Specifically, its fighting against the bigotry involved in this line of thinking. arguing w ppl who say “___ Msut be cishet” is not saying “_____ must not be cishet” its saying to question what motivates ppl to say the first thing. its not really About shinee exclusively bc its applicable to every single idol, and tbh every single person. its a discussion larger than any one particular person. i think this is an aspect that a lot of ppl miss.

also i truly dont know when ive ever acted like attraction can only be sexual or romantic bc i rly have not. talking about how queer idols Exist is not demanding idols be out. its acknowledging a reality that is hardly ever acknowledged. like. ignoring queerphobia is Not whats going to make it easier for idols to come out, discussing how queerphobia manifests in the idol industry is what will.

it really tires me when ppl pull out the U Spend All Ur Time Doing This, we’re all here for the music!! enough of that!! because while thats true, we all did become connected through shinee through music, a part of being an Active participant in fandom for many ppl is also like...talking about stuff besides their music. we’re here for their music but the Reason ppl blog about them and do shit like make gifs or edits or fics or what have u is bc they also care about the members themselves. their music is a given. i also like mamamoos music a whole ton, but i dont have a blog dedicated 2 mamamoo bc i am not As invested in the band members as i am in shinee. which isnt to say that every stan has to get involved w this specific discourse or even discourse in general, just that stans often Do get involved w non-musicy things in the process of stanning.

why is it that only queer headcanons are policed to this level...why is it only queer headcanons are met w Listen To Their Music Instead ! instead of the numerous other things ppl involved in fandom do that dont directly relate to their music. why dont u tell gif makers that theyre Too Obssesed w shinees faces and to go listen to their music instead. ppl do shit like “boyfriend imagines” for shinee which are 1000% unrelated to their music and tbh effectively function as Headcanons except youll never see ppl respond to that with Go Listen To Their Music Instead! while its not always (although it. often is lmfao) explicitly said, a lot of bf imagines are implicitly cishet and i feel like this is undoubtedly why those are accepted w/o word. bc ppl find being cishet ‘more polite’ and ‘less intrusive.’ when u make being queer a taboo to talk about (whilst simultaneously accepting anyone that talks about being cishet) u are basically saying that it is more acceptable to be cishet, while being queer is something that ought to be kept private. if ur truly adamant that this is about not spending enough time enjoying shinees music, then id like 2 see u come at every single other thing in fandom that has nothing to do w music. every time you see someone say “hey jonghyun would make a great bf” remind that person they shldnt care about something like that and shld instead be supporting shinees music. in any case, you ought to examine what makes u think that someone being queer is taboo to speak of while not rallying against statements like ‘he would be a great bf 2 his girlfriend.’

anyway i agree that ultimately what people are doing is making. headcanons. ive always agreed w this fact? this is a thing i continually say?? its why im not out there to Objectively Prove that jonghyun is gay or bi or whatever. the reason people respond to statements like ‘no jonghyun is not gay hes a straightie hetero’ with ‘no ur wrong’ bc the first statement is one that is Constantly enforced by society and it just functions as a way 2 shut down queer voices and reassert the heterosexual default present Everywhere. society treats straight as the absolute default. this is why straight “Headcanons” arent treated as well lmao... headcanons. theres rly no reason for anyone out there 2 headcanon something as straight?? when its the Assumed Sexuality in every situation?? tbh the only reason ppl are interested in doing that is Denying that idols might not be straight. doing this when ppl are Forced 2 be straight is gross. theres a difference between queer ppl saying Hey, remember not all idols are straight so lets talk about that and straight ppl being all No! ur wrong! he cant be anything but straight so shut up! these two things are coming from different perspectives.

like. imagine a pie being sliced up. historically, a 100% of this pie has been given to straight people. when queer ppl speak up, theyre trying to take some of their fair share of this pie. saying Hey, queer ppl exist!! is trying to section urself out a piece of the pie when youve been given none. someone saying Nope!! theyre all definitely straight is stealing back the measly slices someone has Actively Fought to obtain and attempting to perpetuate this imbalance.

im not rly here for ppl painting shinee as lgbt icons. ive expressed how annoying i find statements like ‘king of the gays’ or whatever to be. but also just. saying that anyone in shinee might be lgbtq is not painting them as an lgbtq icon?? its just stating a fact?? esp since a lot of the King of The Gays ! stuff seems to come from ppl who position him as a Amazing Cishet Ally so. idek buddy i feel like youve got to further think through some of your positions bc some seem to be in direct conflict with others.

#long post #i am unable to be concise literally ever #but anyway my dude. how can u accept that headcanons are okay but also expect ppl to like..never talking about them...#i agree all headcanons should be respected but this sort of requires ppl being allowed to talk about their headcanons u know ?#i truly feel like youve got 2 work through some of this stuff and think it through #ppl talking about headcanons doesnt mean they dont care about other things #i definitely do #its just that the only thing im Interrogated on is headcanons and im a rather long winded person so ill answer as such #while im a Discourse Prone person and i discourse a lot of this #(mostly- like i said earlier abt- whats going on Conceptually bc Thats the most important thing here its not a shinee exclusive subject)#but someone could hold the same opinions i do w/o necessarily discoursing about them (and i kno ppl that are like that in fact)#anon #ask

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