#ive had this on my mind for a LONG time

[cactuupng]

Mumbo is more dogboy than catboy send post

#ive had this on my mind for a long time #at BEST he has a “catboy aethetic” and a dogboy personality #cactuu talks

[madamemiz]

sad: falling out of a hyperfixation

tragic: watching your beloved friends and mutuals fall out of the hyperfixation while you're still in it

#oughhhhhhh #this is about the dca fandom but also about every other strong fixation ive had over the years lol #i know it's normal and inevitable esp for less popular works or minor characters with little canon content #and there's nothing wrong with smaller communities of course those rock #but there’s just something special about getting into something at the same time as a lot of other people all at once #and existing in this chaotic fandom space that's just bursting with creativity and passion #i've been in fandom spaces for as long as some of you have been alive and i've only come across that sort of unbridled joy like #a handful of times at best #it's just a heartbreaking feeling to see real lightning in a jar fandoms like that wither away as people drift away #(understandably so!) #anyway don't mind me i'm just having thoughts #musing about fandoms past as well #that i too eventually moved on from but remember fondly even if im not active in anymore #also my music just aint hitting right so im just sitting in silence which makes me more Contemplative(tm)

[wasyago]

the brainrot won

#GUY S i know i haven't posted anything in a while and thats because im working on a big cool project that i really want to finish without- #distractions. but uh. as you can see. ive been distracted 😔. still working on it tho!!!! and im very happy with it turns out its just- #super time and energy consuming so ive tried to limit my intake of other media to not make myself want to draw other stuff #i also haven't read the last two (two already?????) chapters of RnS and im very sad about it and i want to read it but you know that if i- #read it ill want to make fanart and then ill never finish my project :( #SO. sorrey for the lack of art itll be coming when im free to draw!!!!!!! #but also. yes ive watched new life because i dont want to go insane with nothing but this project on my mind and umm. had to take a little- #break to do a couple designs for fun... and to switch it up a bit because for real im going insane i think #ALSO. friend got me into zelda botw and i haven't played a whole lot yet (because project) but ive tried to take some inspiration for- #designs from there. at least for joel and scott. everyone else not so much... #WELL ANYWAYS this is getting long. i should really stop rambling in the tags and just make separate posts for all this but i dont want to #umm. tags. #new life smp #smallishbeans #mythical sausage #geminitay #pearlescentmoon #smajor1995 #inthelittlewood #my art #sketch

[quinnonimp]

elquackity after tricking everybody into thinking wilbur was coming back tonight then ending the party with a bang and killing two candidates ( im devastated )

#qsmp #quackity #ive had an elq design on my mind for a long ass time but i kind of said fuck allat and made a new one right now lmfaooo #elquackity #q!quackity #qsmp fanart #quackity fanart #art #doodle #tumblrimp

[bardicblast]

#curse of strahd #werewolf #dnd werewolf #dnd bard #dnd shifter #bard #artists on tumblr #those who know: 👀 #i literally cannot wait until he goes over a development milestone bc ive been playing him as somebody who only shifts if #if its life or death situation and boy does he need to be put in situations #i had this one concept/composition in my mind for so long but a lot of time passed and i felt the need to add more to it

[mxwhore]

lets go to the library! tip jar

#ive had this concept on my mind for a very long time #jmart parenting dynamics! silly but heartbreaking! introducing alice: martin's butch coworker! not to be confused with alice daisy tonner! #amyas amyas amyas #tma #jonmartin #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #amyas blackwood sims #tma somewhere else #tessart

[duskerot]

i disappear inside myself / my friends don't know it can't be helped

[Pure You - Nothing But Thieves]

#my art #mysme #mystic messenger #v mystic messenger #jihyun kim #ummmm hi guys #^-^ #fanart from me?? posted directly to this blog ??? or at all??? Well. #i was looping this song and i had the idea for this and then sat down for about four hours and here it is #im on like day 2 of v's route for the first time AND this song just came out like right as i got into his route yknow #and i was listening to those lyrics like.... huh..... #this soundssss. familiar. #anyway. politely i did NOT think that if i made fanart of this game after returning to it for the first time in like 6 years. it would be V #i adore this song though. and it compels me #i havent ever seen his route before so i still don't know how it ends idk how accurate this vibe even is #i would say try to avoid spoiling me in the tags but im gonna be real say whatever you want kings #i love u mysme fandom thats still around in 2024 you get me #anyway im drafting this at about 3 in the morning and i need to be awake earlyish tomorrow SO. #we'll see when i post this #its been so long since ive posted art i just do nawt make fanart until i get divinely inspired #iffff its blurry please click to see it its supposed to be crisp ^^; #been on this site how long i still pay no mind to their suggested image resolution #OH and by day 2 of V's route i mean like day 6 overall. you understand

[strangewiggles]

You were spilling all my will out I was bleeding my last brains It's nothing like the nothingness That normally numbs one's pain

Goodbye, oh goodbye

some closeups for you

#almost forgot to put tags #pathologic #pathologic 2 #my art #pathologic albino #albino pathologic #ill keep my ramblings IN THE TAGS this time . #oomf finished patho2 and we had a long conversation about how the albinos feel like. wasted potential for what they SEEM to symbolize #in the nocturnal ending anyway #this art is of the diurnal ending if that isnt. clear #because TO ME #what they symbolize is. a dying culture. and that seems. like its true? and not just “oh this is how i felt about them” #but some people are bigger pathoheads than me so idk #but they had been presented as fictional or a part of artemy's mind #as theyre first shown in the tumbler human #then the dream #but yknow when things get so unbelievably desperate they have to get out of hiding #and come out of hiding i mean literally cuz i like to think they went into hiding deep in the abattoir #sorry if i am just explaining stuff that is very blatantly in the game . ive been thinking about this for the last few days #let me feel smart okay #“give the albinos a voice” is very on the nose #IN A GOOD WAY!!!!! [SPONGEBOB ROCK FALL IMAGE] #in a WONDERFUL way actually. when i think about the kin too much i start crying #HENCE #THIS DRAWING #i wanna draw some herb brides soon. maybe nara

[forecast0ctopus]

which characters do you want to draw more of?

yknow i feel like this is probably more pointed towards star trek. which there ARE a lot of trek characters id like to draw more of. but you just opened a whole can of worms man theres so much stuff i love that i havent really done much fanart for..... i want to do scooby-doo fanart soooo bad but i never get past the sketch phase....i havent drawn hardly any paranatural in ten years... woould love to draw more my babysitter's a vampire fanart its been so long since ive drawn those guys....... ive wanted to do jaane tu ya jaane na redraws for the longest time... okay i wont go on any longer ill stick anythin g else. in the tags lmao

#ask #anon #om shanti om i want to do fanart of om shanti om so so so bad but id want it to be colored n finished but. i dont finish things much :( #gravity falls ive got gravity falls wips tht i wanna finish #AMERICAN DRAGON i wanna draw jake long again its been forever since ive drawn that guy #PARANORMAN MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME PARANORMAN #jab we met my favorite romcom #ive got a screenshot redraw of that but i haated how it turnedd out lmao #aditya kashyap u are sooo handsome. #i just get so single minded about things and get so many ideas that i just have to draw that one thing over and over and over #and i get stuck with so many wips that i never finish #that i cant even get around to drawing the other things i like because they arent the one media thats shoved its way to the front f my brai #anyways. #at least i had a scooby doo halloween costume last year #somewhat fanart considering i did a painting for it. but it was captain cutler........ #i had a scooby-doo birthday party when i was 5 and i think it was probably the best birthday ive ever had and will ever have

[sonknuxadow]

just saw the steam description . you now have my full attention

#this is about sonic x shadow generations btw. well i feel like thats obvious but whatever #I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THAT A SONIC GENERATIONS REMASTER IS POINTLESS. AND IT IS . #but im also really excited to see what the shadow levels are like and ive been wanting to see the black arms again for so long #if only the cool shadow content wasnt attached to a pointless remaster of a game i already have. sad ! #well they had my attention the second dooms eye was shown in the trailer but i was just assuming hed only be there for a couple stages #but this makes it sound like theres going to be way more of him than i was expecting #also the part about painful memories..... is maria going to show up in a game for the first time in like a million years #actually maybe thats why some of the egg memos in sonic frontiers mentioned maria and the black arms and gun #because they knew they were going to release this a little while later #and they wanted to refresh the minds of people who arent as knowledgeable about sonic lore #also black doom being described as shadows old nemesis is kinda funny. thats his dad that he killed

[crebbyhermit]

jan 2024/oct 2021

vici redraw

#crebsketch #dumping here for archival purposes again #ocs #vici #my little guy ever <3 #i can't believe ive had him for so long. #it will continue too i know. im biased towards him. token edgy oc you make when you are...i forgot how old i was. #very much a “the horrors persist but we stay silly” fella (by going customer service mode at all times) #that is the repression my friend #i scroll up and i forget he's my pfp rn. do not perceive me #i remember making him with purple/black/white color schemes in mind. and going all teehee its the ace flag. i have news for you now girlie #it was not just a bit #im also literally redrawing another piece rn that i did at the same time as the oct 2021 portrait. like i drew em on the same day i remembe

[dreamingofthedteam]

the dteam as my fav childhood snacks

also much thanks to @sapnapstummy for helping me find the sapnap pic that was killing me by not wanting to be found

#god ive had this post in mind for so fucking long its crazy #like since the middle of my exams in december but i kept forgetting and remembering at the worst times lmao #i also just noticed this works as snacks theyd like very much too?! #like dream loves mangoes we know #george..has probs had that chocolate but idk what u can get in the us or uk #and sapnap would def go crazy for a packet of that spicy flavourful goodness #druka's post

[marblerose-rue]

click for better quality!!

rosetail + bonus kits / request

name one thing better than a good story . ill wait . there isnt

#my art #do not copy trace or steal #rosetail #cinderpelt #brightheart #brackenfur #thornclaw #THIS ISNT MY FIRST TIME DRAWING THE FROSTFUR KITS TOGETHER but i think it got deleted with my old art blog #i kept all of the files of course but . i think ive improved a lot in terms of anatomy and design #BUT ANYWAY do you think the elders told kits/apprentices embarrassing stories about themselves to make them feel better about like. how #theyd do in their apprenticeship/as a young warrior #or just embarrassing stories to get them to laugh #LEADING TO THE POINT I WANT TO MAKE my grandma told me she met her life long best friend when they got into a fistfight in high school #idk who won but but ohh my god it was always my grandmas favorite story to tell and she loved her best friend so much #i dont think my grandma would mind me telling tumblr i think shed find it funny . i also was her favorite grandchild so i also get an extra #pass on that . and it was never up for debate either everyone on my dads side knew and when she passed and my grandpa brought her jewelry #up for us to come get he called for me first and said she wouldve wanted me to get first pick #WHICH SOUNDS LIKE I GOT MORE THAN I DID but i didnt i cant wear normal earrings and thats what she had a lot of #this is just me talking about my grandma at this point in the tags BUT its relevant (to me) and she was also a hoot

[the-kipsabian]

"why is kip sabian wrestling orange cassidy again they do it too many times"

this is the fifth match in over a year. you think thats too much? just admit you hate good chemistry and love and shut the fuck up

#this is why i dont read twitter ive made a mistake ough #just. this is just a bad take? its not even one on one on friday it hasnt been since the botb title match. over a year ago #and pre injury stuff shouldnt count yes that feud was a little bloated but that was 2020 to 2021 and plagued with injuries #i think we can forgive that you know #but like. saying 'they are wrestling too many times' is like? do you even watch the product? #so everyone else can have a long term story and multiple matches but not these two who genuinely work amazing together in the ring?? #im sorry im mad its just. im finally getting something after literally months and people complain and say its 'too much' #fuck you #wrestling musing #the dislike and hatred wrestling fans have for kip is just mind boggling to me like. i dont understand #whats fucking wrong with you #counted my matches wrong also but only if you count the battle royale as one. i guess you do since it had the cuddle moments but yeah #five is still a single digit and one handed number. too many my fucking ass

[lobotomyladylives]

literally wanna dieeeee I realized belatedly that not only was down bad written for me due to being an alien abduction metaphor song but it perfectly describes my situation w/my ex who dumped me 3 days into our second vacation in his country

#but yknow thats what i get for dating a fucking man last year when i absolutely knew better. i was in a low place & the idea of being #whisked away from europe was an escape for me . we got along really well but the second i showed any emotional weakness he couldnt handle i #oh but he sent a bunch of messages begging me to come back when i was on the plane fleeing to my sisters london flat! lol!!! #i didnt tell you guys about any of this on my old blog when it was happening bc i just knew itd invite a flood of #''why were you even dating a man'' messages. yeah im aware. it was stupid & yet another result of my inability to purge myself of the #desire to be in a relationship my homophobic father wouldnt hate me for. and i didnt think any woman would want me . im over it now #fuck my abusive father fuck men in general im so over the internalized homophobia. ive always preferred women why should i have to #supress that to make my fuckface hypocrite father happy. i only rly care bc i love my half brother & want to be in his life which means #i have to appease dad. but at what goddamn cost #why did i say from europe in that earlier tag. i meant TO europe...im from the us #anyways. what a shit show situation that was. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone except for my dad himself #oh i didnt even mention the worst part yet. when i texted from london asking if our friendship was over too (god. so cringe) he then went #into this spiel about how actually what he said earlier when he was asking me to come back #(that it had been a stupid impulse & biggest mistake of his life) was a lie & it had been a long time coming #IF IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME FLY ACROSS THR ATLANTIC FUCKING OCEAN 3 DAYS AGO FOR YOU #and said hed tell me the reasons but ''didnt want to hurt me'' #i have so much hatred in my heart for this man to this day when i really think about the mind games he was playing. unreal. #and he KNEW i already had massive trust issues

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/ #this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me. #getting the thoughts out. processing. the works. #nearly cried several times just from writing this. #...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy. #things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different. #feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories. #but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly. #it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit. #but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.) #as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education. #and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'. #the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers. #maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more. #ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It. #everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her. #and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad. #(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.) #it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father. #i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.