#like how the fuck am i supposed to fix

[ariiiloves]

I swear the day my mother actually supports me instead of telling me all the time to smile and not get angry

That day

I will believe in god

#I really hope the dude who stole my fucking bag to have a fucking bad year #god #someone took my identity in my governments free website to get higher education and now I can't one of the course until i solve this shit #and the fucking help that the website offers doesn't do shit #like how the fuck am i supposed to fix #and the worst of everything its that now i wont be able to calm down bc my anxiety is eating me up so I need to solve this #my brain isn't going to let me do anything else until i figure this shit out #but i have no idea how i am going to figure it out #and my mom doesnt help at all #she's just jugding me telling me to not get angry #like dude how am i supposed to be calm and happy now? #I can't do shit to solve this #i got mugged and now every time i wanna do something that requires using my legal identity i have issues #why? #well the mf who decided wanted my bag took with him my ID #and now i can't do shit bc turns out the muy perro hijueputa decides he wanted to study as well and guess what? HE USED MY FUCKING ID #SO NOW HE GETS TO STUDY BUT I DONT BC HE REGISTERED HIS ASS BEFORE I DID #AND NOW HE HAS MY ID NUMBER AS HIS AND IDK HOW TO FUCKING FIX IT #so fuck me I guess

[b4kuch1n]

ough brain is doing SO bad but sometimes. there are colors

#bakuspeech #WIP #cw: gore #the stuffed animal cartoon kind. but still #ask to tag #Im so fucking sorry I keep going like I will draw! (does not draw for three weeks #I. ngl Somethin is goin on up there. I finished writing a Thing and it doesnt solve that #I just. this is my capacitance really I think. I just gotta. accept it. work with it #its always so funny tho bc like I look at whatever it is Im drawing rn and its like hey this looks like shit! this looks ass #and then I keep drawing it. #like this piece is at Least two weeks into something thats supposed to be a pretty quick revised illus for #an old wizard leon design. and like if I werent Bit Off it wouldve stayed that way #instead. this is how its goin #I have not slept for 23 hours. I should uh. fix that #but yeah its just. my brain is wrappin itself around some new ideas n concepts n shit rn #like. I was really afraid I wouldnt be able to paint digitally if Im not on the screen tablet #and its kinda fuckin with me? like obviously I can. I am literally doing the exact same things Im doing on the screen tablet #but now on a graphic tablet #thats just. not getting thru to my brain yet. for some reason. its still generating goo n such #well! what is a guy to do. if not blastin off regardless #sorry. I really should sleep now #have a good night lads! this piece will be done when its done. I am NOT saying more I am not jinxing SHIT #u should change ur pillowcases! it really does send u to another realm

[why-the-heck-not]

me waking up from my stress induced dreams, frothing with hate, ready to fuck up fix my laptops or die trying

#how am i supposed to live laugh and love in these conditions #i need working laptops #or like one (1) #should I contact IT-support as the first step? yes #am I going to bc chatting with a person is anxiety inducing and I’d rather try to fix everything myself and have at least 3 breakdowns #before reverting to that? mmmh who’s to say #september 2023 #2023 #all i fucking want to do is to code like why is nothing working now when I’d finally have actual motivation #(or.. do I have motivation to code bc it’d be way more comfortable than this laptop fix mess? (yes))

[savrenim]

so for those who have been following our chronicles of Holy Fuck Not A Week Has Gone By Without Something Going Terribly Wrong, we had a pipe burst which cost $2300 to fix and handle the water damage before mold set in, and then the plumber found another corroded pipe and pressure problems that will be $1400 to fix to make sure this doesn't happen again in a month. at this point I'm just flat-out not going to make it through the summer without some serious help. 

(for those of you who have not: I am the sole reliable source of income in my household, my previous job broke the contract it negotiated with the union resulting in us not getting thousands of dollars of backpay we contractually should have and a class action lawsuit there will take years, we ran into $5000 unexpected extra moving costs, and my beloved 18-year-old cat nearly died last month resulting in $3600 vet bills. before. you know. a pipe burst last week.) 

we never filled up the ko-fi fundraiser goal from last year, which is pinned here: https://ko-fi.com/savrenim. any help would be VASTLY appreciated. I'm fairly certain if I make that goal and manage to negotiate for more overtime at my current job I'll be able to make it through the summer. any bit helps.

I've also got a patreon https://www.patreon.com/savrenim although that's going to be a bit choppy with respect to what I usually try to do monthly there just given my mental health right now and everything I'm trying to juggle. If you're interested in my writing, I'm going to try to throw together some of the stuff I already have to try to self-publish an original novel before summer as one last hail mary.

#my life #mutual aid #signal boost #if possible #I have spent months trying to hold back from making this exact post but like #we are so far in the red right now that it is not funny #and we KNOW that we have electrical problems upstairs and haven't even gotten a quote on what that looks like for fixing #I am at the end of my fucking rope #we have been SO CAREFUL #I HAVE NOT TAKEN A SINGLE DAY OFF IN EIGHT MONTHS #WE PLANNED FOR SOME EMERGENCIES #AND OVER THE COURSE OF THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS BETWEEN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED #AND THE BACKPAY WE ARE JUST NEVER GOING TO SEE #ADDS UP TO $20 000 #LEGITIMATELY DO NOT KNOW HOW THE FUCK I WAS SUPPOSED TO PREPARE FOR $20K #OR WHAT ELSE I COULD HAVE DONE

[send-me-a-puffalope]

why did my teachers think it was okay to give us like one single weekend to finish all of our midterm projects and study for our tests.

#slight vent #i have 3 projects and 3 tests #i’m halfway through my lit/history project and halfway through my psych project #and maybe a quarter done with my programming project #which is fucking insane btw cause how tf am i supposed to code a whole video game in like 3 days on top of everything else 😭😭😭 #and some things he hasn’t taught us and just thinks that we should just be able to figure out like HELLO???/?/// #I DONT HAVE TIME TO TEACH MYSELF NEW CODE #ITS THE MIDTERM/FINAL FOR THE CLASS?????? #and once the weekend starts i’ll have no one to trouble shoot my stuff and fix my bugs so literally i’ll be hopeless so 😭😭😭 #my calc teacher JUST finished teaching us everything we need for the midterm TODAY. THE MIDTERM IS ON WEDNESDAY. BRO. #my physics teacher doesn’t let us copy down any of our idk test questions or take our old assessments home to study #*old #so we get to look em over for like 20 mins and hand em back. which doesn’t exact fucking help me when i’m studying for the midterm. #WITH NO STUDY GUIDE. #my teachers even said that this years midterms are worse than previous years cause they’re all in a row instead of split by a weekend #we’ve had 2 delayed openings and 1 early dismissal this week which means we have less time to work on our midterm projects in class 😭😭😭😭 #i’m so overwhelmed i’m gonna explode #by the time i finish these projects i’m not gonna have anymore energy/time to study for my tests. WHICH IS THE HARD SHIT BTW.

[koko2unite]

#missed my social media activities from 2 months ago #not a single art flop #art that i had fun doing is actually art that people love too #hell my vikdecai art are fun and people hate me for it but i once got 5k likes from it and it felt so good like yay everyone loves vikdecai #idk if its shadowban or not #but now my art doesnt even reach 100 likes #10k “followers” #not even 100 likes #i know its because they didnt interact with me in a while so they cant see my post until someone famous rt it #but whennnn #i fucking hate that #also a bunch of mutual artists that i admire are suddenly unfollowing too #what the fuck #i hate it so much #i know the fix is to just get a viral tweet #bcs 2 months ago the engagement increase was caused by one with 20k likes #but how am i supposed to do that when even my art cant reach 100 likes #it feels shit knowing how i enjoyed drawing this and then posting it and people say oh its fucking shit #dont even deserve a like #let alone let their followers see my art #disgusting #the artist should fucking die #fucking fag drawing gay shit #only pure white gays can draw gay shit #fag from indonesia like me should die

[running-in-the-dark]

it's so funny when I rewatch a show but with a new/different/additional crush. like I'm rewatching the librarians with my partner right now and it just feels soo different lol

#anyway. Jenkins 😍 #on a completely unrelated note... #I need to learn more about pocket squares and ties. #because it's already driving me insane when they don't go together on night court but it's much worse on the librarians where I can actually #like. see stuff lol #I don't mean 'oh no the colour isn't an exact match'. more like 'these patterns and/or colours look fucking bad together' #but maybe there's like. reasons for that. rules that my silly little brain isn't smart enough to figure out #because all I'm basing that on is. my eyes and my opinion lol #anyway he's so baby. 🥰 and I definitely like him better now. very very huggable. #he takes that suit jacket off and I'm like 🥵 #man I feel so weird about this :') but I must talk about it anyway or I will never get over that :) #like it just feels like. ohh this is weird I'm not supposed to think he's hot because he's old 😬 but he just. is 🤷 #anyway touching his ears would fix me man it totally would #*with my mouth also. but whatever it's cool I'm not thinking about that #no haha why would I be thinking about it that :) #or when he sits on that table sometimes and I totally don't think about how I absolutely need to sit in his lap :) #haha noo I'm not thinking about fucking him at all who even brought that up #anyway i am very tired & have already taken my sleep meds so I am extra stupid rn :) and the dumb thoughts just keep coming out

[da-proti-toku-grem]

why can't anyone understand that everyone is different and not everyone likes the same things and that it's completely okay AND normal for someone not to like going out and preferring to stay at home :/

#honestly i understand that my parents care about me and they don't want me to be feeling bad #and that they ask me bc they just want to make sure i'm okay #but i've explained to them what i feel like and they just don't get and i get mad but i akso know it's not their fault and just... oughhhhh #like yeah i have a weird kind of social anxiety according to my therapist and even she doesn't know exactly how to help me yet #but there are just so many reasons behind why i don't like going out and it's not just bc it gives me anxiety #or why those situations give me anxiety in the forst place #1. i'm just a very introverted person that doesn't like going out #2. crowded places/closed spaces/places where there's not enough ventilation/loud places (be it people talking or just music) overwhelme me #3. all said in 2 + flashing lights give me huge migraines that can linger for over 3 days #4. i am very much a night owl and i'm forced to live in a society where that isn't fucking acceptable apparently and i'm called lazy for - #- not being productive in the morning when the only reason behind it is that i am a lot more productive at night #but no one ket's me do that bc 'why are you doing stuff when you're supposed to be asleep?' #i have been the same since i was little. literally nothing has changed #and people where always like 'oh she's just shy' #but idk wtf changed #maybe it was that i became and 'adult' or maybe the fact that i started therapy and they told my parents that i have social anxiety. idk #but suddenly every single person in my family is worried about it and they're genuinely making me feel like there's smth wrong about me #i mean. i have my problems i'm not gonna go telling you that i'm perfect bc i'm pretty much not #but is there really smth that wrong with me that i need to fix #or is society just a bitch that doesn't understand that there's different kinds of people and everyone is different & IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY #have they ever thought about the fact that maybe these situations cause me anxiety bc i've been forced all my life to do them #even if i don't like them #instead of thinking that i don't like them BC they cause me anxiety?? #i mean. i know i have to go out more and that there's tons of things i can do ofc #but you can't just force me to do things i don't want to and put on a good face while doing it *every.fucking.day* #aaaaand i could add a lot more things but i'm once again reaching the tag limit so i shoukd just shut up #it's just driving me crazy bc i know they're trying to help but it really is not helping at all............. #ranting

[deadcrowcalling]

me remembering exams start next week

#they start on a MONDAY #in first period like bruh #at least give me a day to mentally prepare myself #and because of how the exam schedule is set this year i've got to do MATH first thing in the morning #bro it's gonna be like 8:00 AM #and i'm gonna have to do math #i'm literally like a few years away from being an adult and i still don't know my 7's and 8's times tables #like i know 1-6 but that's it bro #how am i supposed to do math at 8 in the morning broo 😭 #i am NOT finding the area of that shape fuck you #i want to be asleep in my bed not drawing triangles with the old broken protractors #i am not fixing to do math that early in the morning i'm sorry im not #it is 8 AM BRO i want a BAGEL and to watch reruns of FRIENDS while im half awake #not doing MATH #FUCK MATH BROO #i hate math #im yapping im sorry #yap yap yap #i hate math so much #i'm dropping out istg #but i cant #gotta finish the end of year exams for neil 😔 #do it for neil guys #gays can't do math #i sure can't #wheres cameron when you need him #can bro come do my homework #at least help me do it pls #that's all i ask #wheres a smart ginger kid when you need em

[coffee-bat]

i haven't been having the best time lately

#sorry vent incoming in tags. you dont have to read you really can skip this #/so the day before yesterday i had a major argument with mom. about something incredibly small but she got super mad at me (basically i #suggested she might have made a mistake while cleaning the oven bc when i turned it on i smelled and felt burning chemicals. like- #-teary eyes and sneezing i wasn't imagining it. and she got super mad and started yelling) #for the whole afternoon it was either silent treatment or yelling abt how what i said is 'unforgivable' #and ofc rejecting apologies and attempts to calm the situation down bc 'this isn't something you can just fix with an apology' #i literally just asked if she's sure everything went right with the oven cleaning. bc it was done in a rush. #so anyway at 10pm i HAD to get the situation to a manageable level bc i was starving and she was in the living room (we have an open kitchen #) so if i wanted to get sth to eat i'd have to confront her. so screaming match ensued again with me apologizing and explaining my point - #and her yelling over me. it went on for 40 minutes. finally after me apologizing like 70 times she calmed down but said that 'what i did is- #-unacceaptable and she does not give permission for it to happen again'. i went to sleep without getting anything to eat of course. #and this fucked me up. bc i really thought we were doing better. i really thought our relationship would only get better now esp after we - #-bonded on vacation. but turns out not. and shes still lowkey mad. #THEN yesterday im studying for a zoology exam and mention it on the phone with her #she goes 'who do you have zoology for'. i respond with the name of the teacher. confused. #'professor (x) died on friday.' #?????????? #'it's not published anywhere yet so yeah YOU have to tell your class' #i had a panic attack legit. i threw up from stress. i couldnt do it. first off bc of shock and secondly bc how am i supposed tojust jump #into group chat like 'oh hey btw professor died' #thankfully the info was posted officially by uni at 10pm. so i didnt have to do it. but mom kept pressing me to the whole day #i was nauseaous all of yesterday bc of it. i couldnt manage to study anymore after the shock. sure he was older but he was so energetic and #seemed healthy. i wouldnt have expected it it was just. a huge shock. im still not over it #like you cant know someone for half a year then not be shaken when they suddenly die yknow. and mom is lowkey making fun of me like #'what were you emotionally attached??? he wasnt anyone close' #no he wasnt but im still shaken. and being mocked is only making it worse. as is having to keep studying for his subject for the next few- #-days. #sorry ok vent over theres just. a lot happening for me and im struggling i needed to let it out ig. theres just too much at once #vent #death mention

[lucin-kun]

Nintendo should really do something about those mirror matches

It's literally not even funny anymore

#LIKE WHY #literally tricolor only mirror matches #it's just annoying how am I supposed to get points for my team if I only get mirror matches #btw I'm team love #and everyone is so focused on killing and winning the mirror match #like chill we are on the same team #use that energy if you're against team money or team fame but not on your same fucking team #i can only hope that team money gets as much mirror matches as team love does #Nintendo should fix the splatfest first before bringing out another one #Splatoon #Splatoon 3 #splatfest #money vs fame vs love

[bmpmp3]

oog

#art #traditional art #oil pastel #so i had this old ass underpainting that i was gonna finish that was based off some weird eisuke art i did back when i was making all that #weird weird eisuke art and i was gonna actually use paint but the weather has been too fucked up to do oil painting and i didnt feel like #using anything else so i slapped a weird clear gesso i have that oddly feels like pastel ground overtop the underpainting and just used #oil pastels LOL i actually kinda dig how the weird fleshy parts look even tho i did it in like an hour #i do like doing oil pastel art a lot but when thing i still havent quite figured out is like #how on earth am i supposed to seal these thangs #is there oil pastel varnishes. i heard of one a long time ago but it was not available in my country #(and you know how hard it is to import aerosols in canada) #i wonder if other varnishes or sealants or fixatives would work #i must.....research

[orcelito]

Read the most depressing trauma dumping letter Ever sent to me from my mother and then went right into the manager meeting where I had to get it thrown in my face AGAINNNN that I'm a fuckup who's doing nothing right, as if Saturday wasn't one of the most humiliating days of my life

I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking break things. But it's nearly 10 pm and I can't do Shit because if I throw shit in my apartment I'll scare my cats and I don't want to break my shit and I can't leave my apartment because it's fucking 10 pm and that's Dangerous but I need to release this energy somehow because I. Am. So. Fucking. Fed UP with life. It feels like no one sees how much I'm trying, it's always always always always my fuckups. Always always always. And meanwhile I've been slipping in a major way and I'm trying so hard to keep myself on track but I am

Needing to calm down. Before I start thinking drastic things.

I'm just so. Fucking. Frustrated.

I'm trying. Does anyone see that I'm trying? Can anyone fucking tell me they see I'm trying?

Of course not. We have to remind me that I'm a fuckup who's awful at their job. Of course :)

#speculation nation #negative/ #i feel like.im going to explode #Dont Mind Me i just had to get the words out #skimming over the letter thing with this one just bc i dont think i want to talk about that actually #i just really shouldn't have read that before the meeting. #but whatever. too late now. #i need to either curl up in a ball never to see the light of day again #or go on a screaming rampage to break Everything in my path and release all of the energy all at once. #maybe then id feel okay #but probably not. #im. just going to keep trying my best. but holy fucking shit i feel so severely under appreciated #i know i havent been doing my best in some areas but im trying to fix them #im taking the criticism into consideration and working hard to fix my behavior #and several of the things are largely me not knowing the exact perfect thing to do in the current transition #i got chewed out for so much on Saturday and one thing was the way i sent the list #which was how the prior manager had me do it. how the fuck was i supposed to know he wanted it differently? #i did it the way he wanted it today. working hard like the pathetic little dog i am. #arf arf look at me do my tricks. why arent you praising me? this is what you wanted isnt it? #oh we still have to talk about the things you already humiliated me for? no recognition for all the things ive been trying to do? #only ever the fuckups? only ever the fuckups! only ever the fucking fuckuos. #maybe itll get better. i hope itll get better. ill try my best to make it better. #but if it doesnt get better and it's always only my fuckups all the time always then why the fuck should i stay here #part of why ive stayed here for so long is the comfort of familiarity. but right now i dread going to work for more than just working. #i dread being exposed to this atmosphere. it feels like a place of comfort and familiarity has turned into a place of ridicule. #i already prostrated myself. i already took a ton of tip points away from myself for what were honest mistakes. #what more do you fucking Want from me? #shall i strip myself bare and flog myself to show im truly repentant? would that be enough? #of course not. it never is. #devalued and humiliated. i never want to step foot in that store again. but i need money. and so i shall go. i guess.

[overchromatic]

babygirl i can draw so many things that will never see the light of day

#weed screams #thinkin about how since my laptop is broken i have to do traditional art now. and i never show off traditional art. #cuz y'know. it looks bad. compared to my digital stuff at least. #i REALLY wanna get my laptop fixed asap but i don't have the money to do so. so idk how long i have to live like this #its only been a few days but i already feel like I'm going crazy #i miss you so much layers...undo button...every color option imaginable... #i don't have any fucking neon colored pencils 😭 how am i supposed to color my splatoon fanart like this??

[queer-crusader]

Either I'm going through some phase or I'm having something hormonal happening again (combo??) but. Brain is... Having a weird one? Shall we say?

#anne speaks #bit numb and snippy and your honour i don't fucking like it #like. im okay im just. not really happy? and it's an uncomfortable feeling #really hoping this will pass soon #hoping the sun will help #but atm it doesn't feel like a Proper™ fix ya know #so yeah. i have changed the way im taking my hormone meds at recommendation of the gp #and that may be what's going on here #but i can't fucking tell and that sucks #i wanna know how to fix myself and get back to feeling like myself #honestly i think it may be the hormones yeah bc im supposed to be having my period right now #but the gp said 'try taking two strips back to back to not suffer the Bad Symptoms as often' #and like im doing that but i AM having pains and headaches and clearly my mood is down the fucking toilet #and honestly i prefer just having the period bc then i know what the fuck is up #hate being in limbo

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've been particularly incoherent for the past few days (again), and it's so dramatic and ridiculous but it seriously feels like something is punishing me. I just want to like things a normal amount. I just want to like people and characters a normal amount.

I don't want to become so fully obsessed that literally nothing else exists and thinking about anything else feels like my brain is being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. I don't want to need to find every piece of information I possibly can on whoever it is this time. I don't want to feel like I'm (literally) losing my mind when I see them. I don't want any of this!

I can not believe that I exist as a human being on this stupid planet just to get obsessed with people over and over and over again forever.

#like it's not. fun. it's not 'oh haha I just like this guy a lot :3' no it feels like. dying. #like I said I know it's fucking dramatic I know. but it feels SO BAD #and sometimes SO GOOD because nothing else gives my brain that feeling but god damn it most of the time it's just painful #maybe I should try drugs #probably. #maybe I should start drinking again #that made it bearable #but no that's. stupid #but my god how am I supposed to go through this again and again and again so many times in a row #I don't know how to explain how fucking devastating it is to attach yourself to. some stupid idiot (I'm sorry I don't mean that.). only to #not really care anymore after a couple months #what do you MEAN. I literally love this person with every stupid fibre of my stupid being and now he's just. some guy again?? #I don't know. how. not to do this. it's not a choice! it's not something I DO. it HAPPENS to me. #and it only doesn't happen when I'm so depressed that I want to actively die. #anyway yeah it's about John Larroquette and Dan Fielding and Jenkins and yeah I'm the fucking stupidest fucking dumbass on earth #someone hit me in the head to fix my brain please #and seriously this is not normal. it can not be normal. this is not how normal people feel about stuff. it can't be #I think this is why I don't get fandom culture. and shipping specifically. like. no I'm not. I'm not enjoying these characters. I'm not #watching this show and thinking aww these two should kiss :) #I'm. not there anymore. I don't fucking exist. all I do. is think about this person. I can't stop it. #I am not a person when I don't feel like this. I'm not even real. I'm just whoever I'm obsessed with. I say that so much but that's how it #feels! I'm not real. #so anyway when I say 'haha I'm fine' what I mean is no I'm not someone make my brain work right please #I just. see him and start crying. because it's so overwhelming. #maybe I should find a therapist and hope they speak English and show them this post :) #haha no that's ridiculous I could never mention this to a normal person #guess I'll just keep driving myself to insanity with this crap. #personal