#like objectively “i need to eat someone” is funnier than “i need to kill someone”

[ryttu3k]

Finishing up SoNY, ‘bad’ end and final thoughts!

But first, the early game over.

Wow, she just gets shot. Not even slurped? That’s rude as hell XD;;

And on to the ‘bad’ end!

Beginning is much the same, ofc.

“You’re too in love with weaving a good story and establishing a seductive narrative to let facts get in the way.” Foreshadowing for the ‘good’ end, maybe?

God that Embrace scene gives me literal goosebumps.

Alright! Last time I did Danse Macabre and Retributive Justice, let’s try The Risks of Swiping Right!

lmao god I’d eat this guy too. Back to the ghost club! That legitimately is a really neat scene. ...Ooh yes so that’s where the girl was from.

Panhard just lowkey dying at the mental image of Katherine Weise in a fast food restaurant is so good.

The sweet scene between Julia and Dakota hits a bit different after the ‘good’ end XD;;

Went to the park, reminisced, and helped out the guy. That was sweet ;_; High-humanity Julia, this time!

‘Fairy God Mother?’ is great but ‘Vin Diesel?’ is objectively the funnier response.

“Shining even more brightly than usual, Aisling.” Samira got a cru-ush~

Poor Julie. It’s probably been tough without Sophie around :(

Huh. Interestingly, refusing to lie to Mia results in Julia actually feeling genuine loyalty to the Cammies (for now, at least).

Believing Agathon is still alive = more optimistic = different dialogue! See, this is how you make choices have consequences, game!

Oooh boy time to meet Adelaide XD;;

“She uncrosses her legs in a strangely seductive motion. In her mind’s eye, it probably looked like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but in reality, it had all the grace of a tracksuit Slav squatting.” *snickering*

Fight me, Adelaide >:(

‘sup Nastya. Went with the slightly less disruptive routine here XD Huh, she’s an aspiring DJ! Julia is deeply confused as to how being a DJ and being head of security works together.

lmao Julia referring to Hope as a girlboss. That phrase has lost all meaning to me...

The conversation between Julia and Father Leonard is still really interesting. Man, you know who I want Julia to talk to? Anatole. Interesting insights into balancing being queer Catholic vampires there for sure.

lmao oh my god I want to fight this street reporter.

‘I can almost feel my brain losing its wrinkles.’ *snort*

Yeaghhhh the Abyss bit is still so creepy...

Oops. Being honest regarding Tamika and Torque’s relationships gets a fail :(

Oh, or not XD That works! Also, uh, apparently the giant albino ghoul alligator is real, according to New York by Night. He’s Calebros’ pet.

“Because I think I have a pretty good nose for people’s auras. And when I take a good look at you... ...somehow, I have a feeling you’re a surprisingly decent person. Whatever way of unlife you choose, I hope you don’t change it. And that you remember my advice.” :)

“I know.” Oof.

“Hi.” “WAAAH!” lmao sorry Princess XD;; Just trying to imagine Qadir’s face as he tells Julia to find a 1990 glass statue of Scrooge McDuck... dying...

Oh she’s so a Toreador XD Low art options are a fantasy book, an anime DVD, or a video game... those can all be arty, though! And went with the anime DVD called ‘Ririsu no Daibouken’... that translates to ‘Adventures of Lilith’. How on the nose XD “The cover says ‘Lilith’s Carnal Carnival’.” Oh. Yeah, that’d do it XD

“This 90s original video anime presents us with a tale of five big-bosomed samurai warriors travelling through America in search of General Hastavista, The Incubus King. Don’t let all the titillation misguide you: the main draws here are peerless direction, a nearly avant-garde editing rhythm and dialogue that coyly comments on traditional gender roles in anime. Once you see the animation in the final battle, you’ll understand why it never fails to set a sakuga fan’s heart ablaze!”

She’s my new favourite.

“So can I know your name now?”

“Hmmm... Let me think...

No. <3″

I need to stress that the heart appears in the dialogue box. Like. The actual less-than-three heart.

Didn’t investigate the rat this time, so Qadir did and I die. “Glad you’re alright, little guy.” Qadir...

Still not over the drunk blood doll rats.

Kaiser’s still a goddamn creep and this time Julia is not going too far. She still has her humanity, dammit. Final set of traits:

Loyal to the end

Glass half-full

Not into a bad cop schtick

Honesty is the best policy

No more human, still humane

Onwards to the ‘bad’ end! Oops, and Dakota still did the Single White Female thing XD;;

Man I’m still really curious who the ‘good friend’ is!!

Okay! Time for end game!!

So that’s the good friend, huh? “Let me phrase it differently, then. You’re not Ecaterina the Wise, the Agitator of Prague, a Brujah elder causing turbulences all over the world... are you?”

Mention of Christof! Mention of Christof doing shady shit :| Poor Hana.

“An immigrant from Eastern Europe comes to New York City, takes the position she always expected to find herself in, is molded into someone who is no longer herself.”

Julia and Dakota representing Carthage is kind of neat.

I want to say the mention of St Jude is a reference, but I’m not sure what to XD;; Is that from Redemption? Christof could have been the one to tell Hana that.

“Like a two-person human centipede loop or something. An Ouroburos? Or an, uhh, Mobius strip?” No, that’s the other traditionally Sabbat clan XD

That‘s. That’s a hell of a reconciliation XD “Yeah, let’s give it a try. By the way I’m on the run for my unlife, want to go to California and try to find utopia?”

Julia, wear a fucking mask XD

“Hey.”

“Yeah?“

“Do you love me?”

“... Of course I do. For now, at least.”

I still don’t know if I love her. Or even if I can love anyone, for that matter. I’m a fucking monster, after all. I don’t even know if we’ll exist next month. The prospects are not looking good. But although I can’t see myself in the rearview mirror right now...

...I will remember this image of us leaving the city, somewhat melancholic, and somewhat hopeful, forever. And maybe the meaning of this image will be clarified with time. Or maybe I will just force a more positive description on it, and that is what I’ll believe.

No matter what happens... even if oceans of blood lie before us, I will make this a cherished memory.

Whatever possible salvation still remains for me... ...it probably lies in the eyes of another.

Oh dang I have chills.

So the ‘bad’ ending is about the subverted compromise. Julia resigns herself to letting the compromise about the truth of Callihan’s death go ahead. ‘Catherine’ is a walking compromise to hide the Ecaterina’s real deeds. But while Hana is still stuck in her role for now, Julia refuses to accept the compromise she’s made, both the one relating to the investigation and the compromise she made of her own views and morals. It might blow up in her face, yeah. But damn, she’s going to try.

So, final thoughts! For the sake of completion, this is what I said about Coteries:

And of course this is the part where the game all falls apart :-\

Just… god. This is probably the biggest problem with CoNY, and the reason I didn’t bother getting it until it was like… 60% off. The bulk of the game is great - the writing is intriguing, the design is stunning. But the choices themselves are so limited it’s barely worth even getting it at 60% off!

You have three choices of characters, with their own opening chapters and own individual scenes with their touchstones. You have four choices of coterie members, and three sidequests. You can probably get in at least three full story arcs and a sidequest or two, but you’re only ever limited to two of your coterie members showing up at the not-yet-endgame.

So let’s say you decide to play all three protags, which, indeed, is encouraged (there’s an achievement for it). You are going to repeat coterie arcs and side quests, because there simply aren’t enough for three unique playthroughs.

And then you get to the end and literally everything is scripted. You get attacked by the SI. You get rescued by your two coterie members (and then never see them again, despite the game being called Coteries of New York). You meet Torque, you escape the SI, Sophie reveals her plan to Torque, you go to Ellis Island, Adelaide kills Sophie (and despite the fact that you’re given multiple options there, none of them work), Arturo does his spiel, end of game. You don’t even get to choose between ending up blood bound or going “no fuck you” and at least dying with a bit of dignity!

I just. I really want to like it, and there genuinely is a lot there to like! But uuuugh the ending. Like damn at least give the poor protag the option to choose what happens to them!

Anyway. Not sure what’s next. To get all the achievements, you have to finish with all three protags, so that’s three full runs and a lot of repetitiveness (compare to, say, Bloodlines or Night Road. I have eighty-five hours on Night Road and there’s still stuff I haven’t seen!), so I can’t even just… rush it through up to the meeting with the touchstones on the third play. Nope. Gotta finish it :-\

Final rating: 6/10

8/10 characters, 9/10 atmosphere, 8/10 story aside from ending, 3/10 story ending, 2/10 replayability. Final consensus: get it on major sale if you can, otherwise, you might as well just watch an LP. I might do that instead of doing a third run, although I at least want to do a second.

I ended up revising that 6/10 to 5.5/10 after finishing all runs and getting the achievements just out of how goddamn repetitive it was. So, how does Shadows measure up?

Absolutely continued with all the things I enjoyed about CoNY (characters, atmosphere, and writing), and of the bits I hated (cookie cutter protagonists, lack of real choice, repetitiveness, the godawful ending), every single part has been completely improved.

Instead of three fledglings so similar they even have the same internal thoughts, we have Julia, who’s got such a distinct voice that she becomes the most memorable game protag I’ve seen in years, and I’m including non-VtM games in this. This is absolutely her game, and it’s just... absolutely fascinating to read and watch.

Related - actual real choices. There are five key choices that determine the ending, and every single one has actual consequence in-game. You get different dialogue. Different introspection. Different philosophies. And this carries across - if Julia believes Agathon is alive, she’s more optimistic about her relationship with Dakota, too. And of course, both endings are completely distinct and incredibly written - the ‘good’ ending where Julia gives in to her most Lasombra instincts, plays the game, wins it, gets power and respect at the expense of her humanity and avoiding all those wraiths... or the ‘bad’ ending when she listens to her morals, reconciles with Dakota, and leaves for California, uncertain, but hopeful.

Not a lot of repetitiveness. Yes, by design, you’ll probably do two playthroughs. The main plot is much the same, but there are enough options there to get multiple dialogue options and stuff. And for the little sidequests, you can actually get all in with just the two playthroughs, only repeating like... two, I think. Still, I wasn’t feeling actively bored like I was midway through my second run of CoNY!

Loved seeing more in-depth backstory and development for the coterie members. Agathon’s section was particularly fascinating, literally getting into his head.

And just. Atmosphere and music is so, so good.

Final rating: 9/10. Thank you, Draw Distance, you hit it out of the park.

#vampire the masquerade #vtm shadows of new york #ry plays sony

[latveriansnailmail]

Favorite Movies as of 2021

Subject to updating because surely I’ve missed a few. This is not supposed to be a list of meritorious films but rather just a list of movies I genuinely enjoy. It runs from Shakespeare to Bill & Ted with heavy doses of 80s fantasy, superhero schlock, and pretty much anything with Kurt Russell in it. Enjoy.

1- Harvey No contest, my favorite of all time.

2- Big Trouble in Little China It’s always a great joy to introduce a new viewer to this film.

3- Flash Gordon (1980) In which they totally lean into the camp and low budget.

4- The Thing I watch this annually upon the first major snowfall.

5- Titus (Taymor) One winter break Titus would be on one of the movie channels each day when I woke up, so I watched it daily for a month and it didn’t get old.

6- Death to Smoochy “Are you alright?” “I’m a little fucked up in general so it’s hard to gauge.”

7- Blade Runner (The Final Cut) So there’s this dude Deckard and he hunts robots but it turns out HE’S a robot, oh so very clever, little film

8- Tombstone I recently learned that Kurt Russell directed this film in all but name.

9- The Dark Crystal Immersive fantasy, though I’m sure it appears plain, drab, and simple now after the Netflix prequel.

10- Somewhere in Time I’m a romantic, I guess. Thus all the John Carpenter movies.

11- Grosse Pointe Blank So good, I used to think I liked John Cusack.

12- The Producers (musical) You heard me. Wilder and Mostel were great but the musical version had decades to mill over and expand the premise.

13- To Be or Not To Be (Brooks) Surprisingly suspenseful.

14- The 13th Warrior Saw it again recently and it holds up. Horror, only it happens to viking warriors who would rather chop the horror down than run.

15- The Mighty Thor I mean, Black Panther is objectively the best of the lot but subjectively this is my personal favorite superhero flick. I must have seen it a half a dozen times at least.

16- Lost Boys A billion Chinese can’t be wrong.

17- Die Hard A Christmas tradition. As a postman, it’s cathartic for me to watch Christmas get blown up a little before all the hugging and sentiment.

18- The Blues Brothers Deadpan hilarity cut with performances by legends of blues and soul.

19- The Sting The best heist film. It keeps you guessing until the very end and no twist feels arbitrary or leaves a hole.

20- Interview with the Vampire Fun fact, I looked like Pitt’s Louis when I was a young man in the goth scene.

21- Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure “Be excellent to each other!” “Party on, dudes!” *air guitar*

22- The Seventh Seal See? This list has its high points.

23- Revolutionary Girl Utena Note: Read the entire manga, watch the entire anime series, and read Adolescence of Utena BEFORE watching this or you’ll be left confused. Dazzled but confused.

24- The Nightmare Before Christmas So good I got the tarot deck.

25- The Last Unicorn It’s still a damn shame they never made that live action remake. Christopher Lee was set to reprise King Haggard.

26- Chasing Amy Honestly changed my life.

27- Excalibur It’s weird though how they’re always in armor. Wedding? Armor. Dinner? Armor. Deathbed? Armor.

28- Ginger Snaps A cut above any other werewolf movie I’ve seen.

29- Top Secret! My sense of humor distilled.

30- Clash of the Titans (Harryhousen) Yeah it’s dry but then there’s the monsters.

31- Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life People are not wearing enough hats.

32- Shadow of the Vampire Nosferatu nearly made this list but it’s hard to pinpoint a definitive cut. Try instead this film about the making of Nosferatu with an actual vampire as the vampire.

33- Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust Look, we as a culture had the unfortunate experience of Twilight. This is the same premise but actually good.

34- The Last Supper This film challenged and changed me as a young man more so than any other work of art.

35- The Princess Bride The perfect film, but I’ve seen it so much it’s down at 35 now.

36- Blazing Saddles What can I as a white guy say? Just watch the movie.

37- Streets of Fire Always suspicious to me how Final Fight premiered within a year of this movie.

38- Gremlins More Christmas havok. Yum?

39- The Beastmaster Forgotten and underappreciated.

40- Ladyhawke A thing of beauty.

41- Willow C’mon. It’s Willow. I have nothing to justify here.

42- Speed Racer I know you heard it’s bad but hear me out: it is the strongest narrative I’ve ever seen on film and it’s exactly the way you played with your toy cars when you were little.

43- Angelheart You’re supposed to know that de Niro is Lucifer. The rest is mystery and the final reveal set up a trope that’s been done into the ground nowadays.

44- The Hunger More atmosphere than plot, but hey, vampire Bowie!

45- Zoolander My partner’s favorite.

46- Faust (Murnau) You will be shocked to see what was possible to achieve in film in 1926.

47- A Muppet Christmas Carol but a cut that includes the fiance’s song This finishes out my traditional Christmas films.

48- Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Y’know, I’ve got two Branagh films on here and neither are what you would expect given his catalog. The other one’s Thor for crying out loud.

49- Highlander I noticed in recent editions of Vampire: the Masquerade that it’s still possible in that game to hide a katana in a trenchcoat. This movie is why.

50- The Name of the Rose One of only a few instances where I prefer the film to the book. That book loooooong.

51- Robocop (1987) Of all the damn science fiction, why must we be in Robocop?

52- The Prophecy Now we’re getting into films I demoted since the last time I updated this list. This film’s a slow burn unless you get turned up for angels and Christopher Walken like I do.

53- The Warriors Would be higher if the opening wasn’t so slow.

54- Legend Tim Curry kills it as Darkness.

55- Black Panther Objectively the best superhero movie and the Academy backs me on that one.

56- Wonder Woman I do wish they’d trot out Vandal Savage as a Wonder Woman villain.

57- Captain America: The Winter Soldier Just rewatched this one earlier! It is heavily marked by the height of the War on Terror.

58- Blade The ancestor of all modern superhero movies and a solid vampire flick to boot.

59- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Nostalgic for me? Maybe, but I hold that this is the first comic film worth a damn because they stuck with the comics when they wrote it.

60- Captain America: the First Avenger This movie is a real test of character. If someone doesn’t like Cap it’s because they think goodness is unrealistic.

61- Four Rooms Really just rooms 3 and 4.

62- Reservoir Dogs Hey, two Tim Roth films in a row!

63- Event Horizon Do you see?

64- What Dreams May Come Kind of an emotional ringer, especially after William’s death.

65- Monty Python and the Holy Grail Have I watched it into the ground? Yes. Is it still hilarious? Yes, and it gets funnier the more you study Arthurian myth.

66- Pulp Fiction I’m kinda over this now.

67- The Crow People who liked the comic passionately disagree with me but I still like this one.

68- Akira Still.

69- Ghost in the Shell Still, though the farther you get from 13 the less titties you need in your art.

70- Beetlejuice Why not? Let's just tack this on there.

Honorable Mentions:

Fight Club A suburb film but one I grew out of, as should everyone. If you meet a man who’s passionate about Fight Club, run!

American Psycho Ditto. I grew out of this but it’s still excellent.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape A horrible caricature of my brother’s life. I don’t get along with my brother any more.

Rocky Horror Picture Show Not actually a good film if you watch it straight with no commentary. Still, it’s a cornerstone of queer culture.

Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 Of all the superhero films, this is the one that resonated with me the most. I was in a weird place at the time. It still resonates with me now because I’m a foster dad.

[pacificwanderer]

Hux Comic dropped and it’s interesting! I liked it a lot!

Thoughts below the cut and obviously I’m a super fucking Reylo, but I’m in no way ant other ships, so ya know, I’ll do my best to be objective here lol

OBVIOUSLY Spoilers below.

All in all, I liked it. Obviously, most people who are into this already read the beginning sample, so I won’t summarize that (it’s sad and hurts my heart).

But after their ship crashes (it was sabotaged by someone in the FO–my theory about Hux not being well liked is pretty correcto), they end up getting saved by someone who’s been on the planet since before the Empire fell and he doesn’t actually know that the war is over. Hux tells him and it’s through this we learn just how much Hux knows about Kylo Ren.

Hux knows way the fuck more about Kylo Ren than the movies let on. Like, he knows who his parents are, thinks that Kylo is like his mother (though he wouldn’t admit it), and that he’s a son of Alderaan, that he looks like his parents and wears the mask to hide it. Like whoa.

“The galactic empire was never renowned for its creativity” LOLLLL.

Shippers are going to really enjoy how Hux calls Kylo, “Ben.” Probably haha. I thought it was fun, anyways. Also Kylo coming up RIGHT close to Hux to snarl in his ear? A+++ Good shit. Lots of punctuating sentences with his lightsaber (Hux dgaf and isn’t intimidated, which is fun). Shippers should also like the "Hux! Stay behind me!” When they’re attacked by the noorwoods (of course, Hux is long gone lol). 

At any rate, I thought it portayed Hux as cunning, capable, and willing to wait for the right moment to strike. I think people are underestimating his role in TRoS and he’s going to give us one hell of a time during the final movie. Personally, I don’t think he’s heading for any sort of redemption, but more power to anyone who wants to see that/sees that from what they’ve show here. I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade, if that’s what you’re after.

Personally, I’m more interested in cunning and dark, but I get why people want to sympathize with him (and of course, his background is horrible and worthy of empathy), I just think that his adult actions are pretty clearcut at this point. 

That he was willing to garner sympathy with Blysma so he’d allow him to use his comms and stay safe until his people arrived, and then, ya know, order the planet to be used as target practice for Starkiller isssss probably not the best for redemption’s sake (Ben, on the other hand, that he was willing to protext Hux says a lot about him).

ANYWAYS. I love the snarky banter between them. Love that Kylo gets knocked the fuck out (lol), loved the discussion between Blysma and Hux detailing Ben’s life (because I’ve always been curious about what he actually knows), loved the dark ending. It was also funnier than I was expecting, so kudos to Tom for that.

Also, shout out to Bria with that Hamilton ref in the Hux summary in the end.

You can ask questions if you want and I’ll get to them as I can. Not gonna post pics until people have a chance to actually grab it. I think the art is really nice and this is deffo worth a purchase if you have the funds :)

All in all, great chapter in this series and I’m excited to see what else Tom does with these characters.

FORGOT TO ADD! Hux totally kills that asshole from the beginning (just like he did his father), so kudos to him for playing the long con and being patient because fuck that guy. Eat shit, Admiral Brooks! So that’s the framing of the whole story. Hux gets his revenge.

AS A DISCLAIMER, I’m not looking for discourse. If you disagree, that’s fine. I don’t need to hear about how I’m wrong and all the reasons why I’m horrible and the worst. Your interpretation is valid and anyone is welcome to believe what they want/glean what they want from this. As it stands, I actually like Hux. I think he’s an interesting character and I can’t wait to see what the movie does with him.

Cheers!

#star wars age of resistance hux #general hux #armitage hux #spoilers #comic spoilers #kylo ren #ben solo #if you're gonna repost my shit on reddit #please drop a link

[pooktales]

Dannox Does Dalaran

~45min read

In an alternate universe where Kael'thas is king...

*doom music* The quaint Legerdermain Lounge in Dalaran has an amateur comedy night. Dannox, a raunchy Night Elf druid, decides to do his standup routine. You may recognize Dannox from such things as my ‘My Life for My Prince’ fanfiction series. This post is LGBTQ+ friendly. It is also 18+ and NSFW because of dirty jokes. Enjoy!

...

Center stage at the Legerdermain Lounge in Dalaran. A dark-pearl skinned Night Elf man with deep green hair down to his waist strides up to take the Gnomish microphone device. He smiles well, as if he’s been laughing really hard back stage with the staff already. Charcoal gray t-shirt that looks soft. Light blue, linen slacks. Unless your eyes are playing tricks, there seems to be a shadow, or an outline through the thin fabric, of his bare hip underneath and the start of a muscular thigh. He moves again, and it’s gone. Dannox has spread hands and feet apart, bracing as if he’ll have to fight the strange mic device at first, but then cuts that out quickly since the mic is not a toy. Maybe no one noticed.

His joy is genuine and infectious. It’s hard not to smile along with him.

“Hey, so before I begin—Shit, you’d think I’d be used to a moon-white spotlight in the dark, being a Night Elf, but I’m just not. Can you offensive fuckers turn that off? Okay?” Dannox cackles and squints. He looks at his dark hands, while adjusting the mic up to his height. Dannox is magnetizing in a way. Fun to watch his sly mannerisms, his voice is rich.

A burst of embarrassed laughter in the back, while the Gnome techs actually accede to Dannox’s demand. It’s not a joke, they really are trying to fix the lights for him.

“So. Dalaran. The big D. Well, the other big D. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Which… is exactly what life is like with a big dick anyway...

“Sorry if you thought I couldn’t say that word—DICK. But back to my joke. You do one guy, or lady—I’m bi—and word gets around, right? So I make it everywhere.

“Oh, Dalaran. Come on, baby. I just got here and you’re turning me on. I’m lit for a magical city right now, and that is so wrong. Wow, what a weird fetish that would be…

“Seriously, though. This place cracks me up. A fancy, beautiful city. Perfectly designed. A beacon of hope. Holy, in a way. Floating majestically through the air. And plenty of massive, purple, phallic objects poking the sky.

“Hey, don’t get mad at me, I know it’s not really like that—that’s not why those spires are there. They have a real functionality. What got my mind dirty in the first place were all the snooty, Kirin’ Tor, tight arseholes walking up and down the streets… Yum.

Shocked, sort of uncomfortable laughter, but Dannox presses on, “Hey, don’t judge me. You guys been to the Underbelly, yet?” He shakes his head sorrowfully, “Don’t go down there. I mean, did you hear what it’s called? The Underbelly. That’s another low-key sex thing about Dalaran. This place is secretly very dirty, believe me. Underbelly. Do you know what’s under my belly? Well, on most nights. He’s not here right now.” Dannox uses a hand to shade his eyes, pretends to look around the room for someone. Loose laughter escapes from the back. “Sorry, that one was too easy. But yeah, so please don’t go down there. Just a lot of nasty fuckers like myself, flagging themselves to get jumped from behind by some rogue, and trying to wrestle each other—” Dannox starts laughing and cuts himself off, “All… oiled up. Well I was, anyway. Okay, I lied. I’ve been here before. Plenty of times.”

To a woman looking very serious and refusing to laugh in the front row, “Ma’am. Ma’am? I’m going to need you to loosen up tonight, okay? You’re in the hands of a professional tonight. I’m serious. I’m more serious than you are right now about that statement, do you know why? I’m fully trained at this, I was once a very successful stripper, I promise you.” Excited whistles and shouts, “I know smut and I’m proud of that, so tonight you have my express permission to laugh at my nasty jokes.

“But I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, ma’am, really I am. Please forgive me. Do you want a lap dance to make up for it? I’m being serious. Would that help? You don’t?

“Damn, I’m getting old then. Anyone here heard of Commando Dan, from Fel Candy? West side of Kezan? There must be a few Goblins in the house.”

A couple of gravelly cheers.

“Hoo, yeah! That’s me. Look how far I’ve fallen. I still got all my clothes on and people are even laughing.”

The blazing spotlight finally goes out, leaving Dannox in a darker room, offset by easy peach candlelight. Some polite applause for the lights being fixed. Then glasses click gently as people drink, begin to enjoy their food once more.

“Hey, great! I can see again, though you all really can’t see me, cause it’s dark. And your eyes have to adjust. Sucks to be you. Shout out to the other Night Elves in the house. The revolution begins now, by the way. Hail to the night, motherfuckers…”

Throaty laughter, especially from some kal’dorei men in the back.

Dannox looks down and snakes the microphone wire around the stand, to give himself space to move with it, “Anyway, I am definitely grateful for my chance at amateur night here in Dalaran.” He winks, “I intend to take the prize. I’m already a prize, I figured we’d go together.”

He turns a little to his left, sticks a hand in his pants pocket. Also, semi-sheer fabric confirmed. Nice.

“So. A little about me to start, other than my being an exceptional stripper once upon a time. Today? I’m a bum. A handsome bum, but my husband reminds me that still means I’m lazy and bum. I do nothing. This is my first thing that I’m doing, after a hiatus. Stripper in retirement. Never thought you’d see the day, right?” Dannox shrugs, grinning anew, “Actually, I do work hard, just not in the way you’d expect. I’m a trophy husband that got picked up years ago in a seedy strip club, I kid you not… stripping my clothes off in Kezan, which is a beautiful, nearly lawless Goblin Island, at least on the redlight district side. Anything goes on that side. A Blood Elf and a Night Elf can meet up, get it on, and have all kinds of adventures together in broad daylight. Faltheriel and I once had a dirty weekend that turned into… ten years now? And so I got picked up by the man who eventually became—who eventually would become—the Chief Advisor to King Kael’thas Sunstrider.

“The king? Yeah, we live in an alternate universe back home. It’s totally normal though, don’t worry. It’s like living in the suburbs—hardly anyone goes there, it’s nice cause it’s less expensive. We get crime, but it’s weirder suburbs, alt-universe crime. Like… whenever we read about Kael’thas’ new fun addictions and various shortcomings in the news. It was Murlocos Tacos last week. His daughter caught footage of him on the floor eating them while drunk or high, probably both cause it’s Kael’thas, and slurring every single thing he said. It came on all the scrying orbs. That was a rough week for him.”

Some snickers. “Yeah, you guys out here have dead, looted body Kael’thas at the end of a Quel’danas Isle dungeon. But back home, we pretty much have the Hearthstone Kael’thas which is way nicer. And funnier. I thought I’d get up here and do a Hearthstone Kael’thas impression but… yeah, he’d send some people over to kill me. He’s still an evil genius with bloodthirsty Sunfury agents. Also, ‘I’m coming doooown!’

“Haha… So worth it. Best part, when I get assassinated by Sunfury agents soon and I die, I’m totally going to ask my wife and husband to put that exact quote on my tombstone. That’ll really piss Kael off.

“And then, what is he even gonna do? Dig up my body and beat me some more?” Dannox looks down, casually kicks the wire for the mic out of his way, “Actually, I wouldn’t put it past that fel-addicted, demon-fucking motherfucker. He’s into everything.

“Anyway, we’re actually cool, me and Kael’thas. Don’t worry. And I truly like him. Since my husband works for Kael, and I am a druid after all—I heal. I heal a body good… I get to talk to Kael’thas himself sometimes if you can believe it. But it’s all so horrible. He’s a good-looking man and he knows that I’m bi. And I’m an awful person, generally. I guess that’s why Kael and I get along.”

Dannox walks to the other side of the stage, “And then Filthy—that’s my husband, don’t ask… Well, you will ask about my husband’s nickname, but I’m warning you not to, not yet, I’ll tell you later—Filthy is practically like Kael’s family at this point, so I always take my chance to rip on our lovely king. Also, Kael’s Blood Knights. Blood Knights are such easy targets. And mind you, in this alt universe, Azeroth is united, the factions are at peace, sorta. Kind of like how Dalaran lets everybody in, we’re sort of like that. Anyway, so we’re out in Netherstorm again with King Kael’thas, waiting on the Sunfury army to show up. Kael’thas looks right at me and he says, ‘I think I really like having a Night Elf man salute me, for a change.’

“And then I wink, ‘…It’s only natural, Kael’thas.’

“Hoo, boy. Poor Kael’thas. I think he was trying to be community-spirited. But, you know, he just tangled with the wrong Night Elf. Or, exactly the right one. Remember, I do like to get oiled-up first.”

More laughter.

“And then these soldiers of his, they’re taking a really long time to arrive. So one of the Blood Knights that’s already there, she turns to me. Everyone’s curious about the Night Elves, I suppose. Daphne goes… and I guess she didn’t let on yet that I’m unbelievably nasty, by some miracle. That’s what happens when hubby refuses to talk about home at work, I guess.

“Daphne asks me, ‘I heard you were the bane of Malfurion’s existence at one point.’

“I say, ‘Well, only for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time.’

Gasps, shocked laughter.

“See? I can keep it professional if I want to. And it’s fine, that’s another world leader I’m cool with. Malfurion and I go… way back. Right. In the back.

“Hey, no judgment. We all have our reasons for leaving the Emerald Dream. Am I right, fellow druids? Or, getting banned from it by a jealous wife. Hey, I’m calling her out, that wasn’t cool. She should know by now, everyone secretly loves Malfurion.

“Then I decided to have some fun with my husband Filthy—Faltheriel—who was standing right there next to me, turning beet-red, ‘What’s this, Faltheriel? You don’t look well, and your forehead is so warm. Maybe you’re coming down with something. Let’s go get you into bed, make you perfectly comfortable… then see what happens.’

“He didn’t like that. And in front of his employer, too. You see why he calls me a bum. I’m so good at being a trophy husband and jobless, it’s like I think everyone else needs to lose their job. Anyway, Faltheriel left to go do something else. Divorce me or something, I don’t remember what he said that afternoon. It’s not important.

“There was also a nice girl with them, a tall redhead named Tempest. I think she’s a retribution Paladin—Blood Knight, whatever. They all get to talking about old times, and she recalls how my husband used to be a zealot for Kael’thas, because he was. Or is. I’ll put it this way, ‘Kael’thas’ is the opposite of our safe word at home. It’s more Filthy’s trigger. Filthy gets one. One ‘Kael’thas’ every evening, and after that he has to stop. Don’t ask me how he works for the guy. I’m a sleaze, Faltheriel’s a fanboy, I guess. We struggle through this life together in our exciting marriage, putting up with all you muggles.

“I’m not joking with you. In person, Kael’thas is a very handsome man ontop of everything else and Faltheriel’s only mortal. Like I said, we have amazing, alt-universe Hearthstone Kael’thas. It’s a different outfit every hour with that guy. My favorite is nineties Kael’thas. He shows up with slicked-back blonde hair, neon shapes on his t-shirt and a giant cell phone, obsessing about how Arthas stole Jaina Proudmoore from him, and he needs revenge in time for the Dalaran Academy dance.

“Hey, I just remembered, you guys would have been there for all that Arthas in ripped stonewash jeans, shoving Kael’thas into a locker stuff. Beat, ba-beat, ba-ba-ba-beat, gooooo Dalaran!

“Anyway. Wow, I keep going off what I memorized. I need a minute.” Dannox winces laughter and pinches at the bridge of his nose, before calming down. “So. Faltheriel and his crew were all zealots back then, doing bad things for Kael’thas, but Faltheriel can get right in the danger zone till this day, remembering weird Kael’thas facts and lore, though I do love him. Tempest goes, ‘Look, I’m a Blood Knight and Faltheriel’s intense obsession over Kael’thas even makes me uncomfortable. Dannox, are you sure everything is alright?’

“I go, ‘Eh. It’s all about energy, where you direct it. Faltheriel can revv up his cute little engine all day if he wants to, as long as, at the end of that day, I’m the one who directly benefits.’

Daphne, as Tempest is laughing, ‘Uh… what?’

“I say, ‘It’s called husband physics.’

“And it is, it really is! That’s how you manage a marriage with a fanboy. I’ll only worry if Faltheriel comes home cosplaying and threatens that we need to take an emergency family vacay to Blizzcon. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But when your husband likes to dress up as a succubus… you keep an eye on it. He’s going as Drag Queen Azshara next year, by the way. And there’s rumor of an ‘It’s Raining Men’ act to go with it, but Rachel and I are mostly letting Filthy have his alone time with the costume and his music for now. We’re all really excited. Albeit—each in his own way.

“Later that day, with the Blood Knights you know--the Sunfury finally arrive and it’s time for us to get moving, mount up to go someplace. I’m on my nightsaber. They’re staring at my beast. You would… I say to Daphne, ‘Let’s have somebody ride up front, and then the other person can climb on the back. Don’t worry, Faltheriel and I do it all the time where we’re from.’

“This guy Sunthraze goes, ‘In Darnassus? Or do you mean Silvermoon where Faltheriel’s from?’

“I say, ‘Wait, my wife wouldn’t want me to finish that joke.’

“Sometimes, Faltheriel does really get annoyed with me when I make those kinds of jokes with his colleagues. I mean, they are his coworkers after all. I guess that’s unkind in a way. But that’s also okay because my husband and I like to fight. Or, that other thing that begins with the letter ‘F’.

“That one too obvious? I can be subtle as well. I’m a centaur if you don’t think about that too much.”

“Now, please ask yourselves... Why was that not put in as one of the male Night Elf pickup lines? It’s excellent.”

Dannox then kindly leans down to the first row again, “While we’re on the topic, ma’am, I see that you’re smiling now. I knew you would. But I wanted to say, I am very sorry that you didn’t want that lap dance before. These are my emergency tear-away pants, as well. They’re not just awesome fitted slacks. But I need you to know, it’s too late now. Like the Goblins say, ‘If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!’ he snaps, pretending to have real attitude.

He straightens up again, as the laughter dies down, “…Well, in my case, a giant cock ring.”

A raucous reaction spreads from the cheap seats. The laughter makes it hard to hear the next part, as the woman begins talking and gesturing up at him, “… Huh? Haha!” Dannox leans halfway to listen to her, then attempts to stop his own laughter, “After the show? Really?! Wow, you’ve come a long way. Alright, I give in. Ladies and gentlemen, please clap for Offended Lady, I’ve got a convert! Welcome to the dark side. But you’ll have to run fast after the lap dance, my wife’s here somewhere. Thanks, Offended Lady, I’m so glad we’re cool now. Come find me on Tumblr later, too. I can’t follow you back, but I promise you won’t regret it.

“Well, back to me and my husband. Sometimes, I have to be reminded that I’ve got one... Oh! So Faltheriel and me arguing and fighting--it’s alright, really…

“I try not to pull on Faltheriel’s hair unless I mean it.

“Actually, when we first met, it was better. When we first met, I told Faltheriel I was a baker. Go on, you can ask me, ‘Why is that?’

“Well, you don’t let strange men glaze your buns, obviously.

“I really love that joke. I tell that one a lot. You know, usually, there’s an upstanding person nearby—not you, ma’am. We already addressed that, like I said, and you kindly booked me tonight from 12-12:07am,” Dannox gives a sly wink and checks his watch, “But usually it’s someone with these excellent manners who warns that I’m a horrible person. Like I didn’t know that already, but it’s their duty to glare up here, gasp all shocked and say that. Do you know what I tell people who act like that? After I tell the joke, ‘You don’t let strange men glaze your buns, obviously.’ Then they say, ‘Dannox, you are a horrible person.’

“I clarify, ‘No… I’m a baker.’

“Very innocent, just like that. Even funnier when, truth is, I do know how to bake. But I only let Faltheriel find that out years later. I waited until after we got engaged before I baked him anything. I was far more serious about the success of that baker joke than our relationship.

“But it’s true, Faltheriel and I like to fight. We always have. Though, mostly, it’s wrestling. Before bedtime. Aaaaand in this corner…” Dannox raises his voice, as if about to call a wrestling match, “they lived happily ever after.

“Also, now that we’ve been married for about a decade, Faltheriel doesn’t always listen to me. Then again, I don’t always face him while we talk… It’s win-win.

“Though, being totally serious now—You know, when I first met Faltheriel, he wasn’t facing me. Do you know how goddam gorgeous you have to be to look like someone’s soul mate from behind?!

“And I’m a good husband to him. I truly am. I make sure that Filthy never falls in the shower, whether he appreciates it or not.

“You know, I once lied to Faltheriel and told him it was still dark outside. He couldn’t get out from under me anyways.

“Another thing, Faltheriel and I don’t always communicate well. Sometimes, we just grunt and slap each other’s thighs a lot.” Dannox, now raising his voice over the laughter, “Is that weird? Maybe other couples don’t do that as much, I don’t know.

“Being married to such a beautiful man is hard. God, it gets so hard. Sorry—was that a low blow? I’ll put it away now. Though it’s been going on for so long, I’ll have to roll it up, first.

“Anyway, sometimes I say this thing to my husband when it’s bedtime and he’s not in the mood. I totally respect him for that, I do… But I say to him, ‘Filthy--’ I guess that’s his pet name when he’s being adorable, or really irritating. Both a fun challenge for me. I realize I keep switching in and out of that, I tell him, ‘Filthy, I don’t mind if you’re too tired. You can sleep, honey. Just lie on your stomach, and loosen up first.’”

Dannox hangs in there, through a mixture of booing and hard laughter, “See? It’s so simple! It is so simple to make a good marriage, you guys. A dirty, dirty marriage with a lovely woman who puts up with us and a man who used to work for the Burning Legion, and who can END you if your jokes ever fail to land.

“I can tell you, if you don’t like these jokes, that’s fine. You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve already suffered enough. It was bombs over Shadowmoon Valley while I honed this joke routine in my house, I promise.

“By the way, don’t try that at home. Don’t try my sense of humor at your beloved home, not unless you enjoy having done to you what my husband used to do to his prisoners-slash-victims. Well, he still does it. But I-I get out sometimes.” Dannox rolls his big shoulder, pretends to twitch, “Like tonight.

“But I do find Faltheriel irresistible, so I admit that I keep trying to get into trouble with him. This one time, Faltheriel was really fussing at me, he really wanted me to leave him alone so he could read. Now I don’t know if I’m extra horny because I’m a big Night Elf compared to him—he’s a Blood Elf, I hope the Kael’thas thing gave that away—or because I’m just, well, totally nasty all the time, so much so, I like to give my husband a nickname that stops him from forgetting that I’m a dirty alpha male in this thing and I own his glorious ass… Told you I’d explain later in the show and that you didn’t want to know… But anyway, one evening while Filthy was downstairs reading and ignoring me like that, I just decided to compromise.

“I say to him, ‘Fine, let’s play a game to pass the time. I’ll be good if you’re good.’ He’s sensible, so he says, ‘Deal. What would you like to play, darling?’ He goes for the checkerboard. Then I said, ‘Faltheriel, this game I have is so fun. This is so easy. I’ll love it. It goes like this. Can you bend over the couch and not move for a half hour?’ He’s a sweetie and too trusting at times, so he actually does it. Then I say, ‘Also, this is one of those games where you can’t say ‘No.’

“I got slapped for that. It’s really bad when another man slaps you to defend his honor. And of course, truth be told… I liked it. Poor Faltheriel.

“Elune above, my Blood Elf husband is cute! He is so yummy. Fun fact, Faltheriel only wanted a sweet little hug last night, but in for a penny, in for a pounding.

“Though, the Cenarion Circle is probably going to come back into our lives, I think, to take Filthy away and try to find him a forever home.

“I mean, a new home with a good mummy and daddy. And walks in the park that don’t involve shagging behind the trees. And no bear-bottom spankings. Horny druid husbands are the worst, I should know.

“On another night, I told Faltheriel my balls were lonely. He brought his over to play.

“Awww, so sweet of him. Also, Faltheriel is really good at sex, but I would never tell him that. I just ask him to keep trying.

“Another thing about us, I almost forgot. When I first met Faltheriel, I got naked fast. He didn’t like it at the beginning, but he loved it in the end.

“And once, I told Faltheriel I was a piñata so that he wouldn’t stop beating me with it.

“And the most sex Faltheriel and I ever had was on the same night our wife had our first child, our twins. She was… SO mad at us.

“You know, when our wife had the twins—they’re fraternal, one Night Elf, one Blood Elf—Faltheriel forgot for a moment and went wild, accused Rachel of cheating. It was then that I reminded my husband that, um… I have sex with our wife too.

“Uh-huh. That’s right. That’s what you get when you jump to conclusions about your good spouse, Faltheriel.

“He’s not here tonight, actually. Faltheriel couldn’t make it. That’s why I’m really ripping on him, I guess. But my wife’s here, I think I said that earlier. Hi Rach, say hi. She’s a knockout, isn’t she? She’s so sweet and so kind, and hopefully, this wonderful Human woman won’t lock me in my cage later…

“And you know another thing, three-way marriages are interesting. They are so interesting. Women change, their appetites grow or something and you adapt in weird ways. Our wife gets so horny at times, it really does take the two of us. Wow, she looks mad at me now. Guess I shouldn’t have said that. But, then again, when she holds out, it’s like the world is coming to an end for us men.

“Just kidding, Faltheriel and I are perfectly fine.

“Sorry hun, it’s true. You shouldn’tve got us that set of matching spoons for the holidays. It’s just too bad. That cheap gift you got was like homo-erotic Kaja-Cola, it gave us ideas.

“I’m an idiot, I apologize. Anyway, this one time… the best stories start that way, have you noticed? So this one time when Rachel wasn’t there, Faltheriel came straight upstairs after work and found me in bed with another woman. God, he’s so adorable… After I put the mirror back and slipped the pink scrunchie from his soft, soft, ponytail, he calmed down and it was an amazing night.

“Seriously, though. My husband Faltheriel is so man-pretty, we only realized our wife had none of her own lingerie like… a week ago? And we’d been together for ten years? Yeah, it’s like that.

“So Faltheriel buys me my own lingerie, for once. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of the fuzzy, silky, or bright colored stuff he brought home. Eh, the see-through stuff was okay. The really super-short, see through stuff I was already poking out of, that we could do each other in immediately—that, I liked. Nice guy, but he really wasted his money on me, I tell ya.

“Alright, last joke. It’s June and I know everyone’s hot in here. You’re all ready to finish up and call it a night. So I’ll try and end on a respectable note.

“It isn’t June? Well, I know that, I don’t care. Listen to the joke, goddammit.

“Ahhh, my wonderful husband, Filthy,” to rising, expectant laughter, “Faltheriel ‘Filthy’ Darkweaver has the best ass in the world. It feels like I’m fucking a magical rainbow in there. Was that one too obvious, because it’s Pride Month? Did you know that big, horny, sweaty, well-hung unicorns fuck rainbows? Nice image. Yeah, enjoy your Pride Month.”

Dannox nervously puts the microphone back and waves once, while people scream laughter. “If you liked my set, please tell the very nice Legerdemain Lounge staff. I’d love to come back. Oh, I never said my whole name. I’m Dannox Silvermoon Darkweaver. That’s right. That was my real last name, I was a dream come true when my Blood Elf husband finally found me and saved me. For me, every day is Pride Month because I’m so proud of my family and so happy to be here these days. It wasn’t always like that.

“And Rachel honey, I’m so grateful to you for loving me and letting me be me. I’m coming straight home to you baby… after this one lap dance,” an anxious laugh, as Dannox checks his watch, “Uh. I want to thank you all for a lovely show. Night, everybody.”

More whistles and another round of cheers. Then, the Night Elf man confidently jogs off-stage.

…

Aww, thanks for reading this far if you made it!

Were you in the audience? What do you have to shout out, or ask Dannox after his set? He might respond.

@elendeare

[magaprima]

Part 1 Episode 10 Thoughts 2/3

When all the mortals are running into Baxter High, Principal Hawthorne is, as fits his role, at the head of everything, guiding everyone through. It makes sense, because he’s the Principal, he’s in charge, but then Lilith is stood there at the door. She’s not assistant Principal, she’s not vice principal, she’s only a history teacher, yet she’s even stood with more authority, as she stands at the doors, looking more like the Principal than the Principal himself. This is a nice foreshadowing for her becoming the new Principal after eating Hawthorne, but I also like to think she’s stood there thinking about how the High School is going to need a new Principal, perhaps even vaguely thinking she would rule this place far better, little knowing the Dark Lord was going to make her stay at Baxter High and do exactly that. 

When Hilda knocks Lilith. I found this funny when I first watched it because she really freaking knocks her and Lilith topples a bit with the unexpected impact and then the glare she throws her could quite honestly turn Hilda to pure ash. But, it is even funnier, when we found out it’s just Lucy constantly knocking Michelle at every opportunity. But if we keep it to characters only, man does Lilith get freaking pissed off at people knocking into her; the woman has a personal aura space and knock into it at your freaking peril.

When Hawthorne is constantly whispering in Lilith’s ear, totally invading her personal space, presuming allowed intimacy, she is constantly tense, her shoulders her up and she never moves a single inch in reaction to him; she neither gives him the satisfaction of either paying attention or pulling away. All that moves is her eyes, watching him out of the corner of her gaze, looking constantly pissed off in a silent yet deadly manner. She has a big task ahead tonight so she is trying her upmost best to tune him out and ignore him, and focus on her own things. 

Yet when he leans really close and is practically smelling her hair, she does flinch and it’s clear he disgusts her. I always find it interesting how Lilith reacts to different men depending on how they behave towards her, because you would think, as this ancient being, as the Mother of Demons etc etc, she would be above reacting to any mortal in any way. Yet, she’s not, she does physically react here. His closeness revolts her. But she still tries not to give him any satisfaction of a reaction; this is the mark of a woman experiences in harassment and men and their general shittyness.

“I’m engorged with excitement”

This is the point when she can’t point-blank ignore him anymore. He has so persistently revolted her and annoyed her and now he’s crossed the point and she responds. But it’s not with open anger, or walking way, or anything like that, she actually responds in the way many mortal women in these situations have done. By just saying his name in a ‘Oh I’ll accept your harassment, but I’m trying to let you know it’s not okay’ because mortal women know shit is not likely to be done about it, so this is the usual compromise they have to settle on. Again, I think this shows how often Lilith has been in that situation, even in the days when she wasn’t as powerful as she is now, and I do think, with certain types of men or certain dynamics with them, she falls into knee jerk reactions, instinctive reactions that, oddly, aren’t that different from mortal women reactions.

But when he suggests ‘finally have that drink’ and she turns to glare at him, that’s the moment, that is the precise moment she decides she will have that drink with him. In order to kill and eat him. He signed his own death warrant with that final misogynistic push. I mean the look in her eyes, the way she says nothing, the way she walks away, is killer, literally. Yet, he’s so oblivious, he just seems to think she’s turned on. But Lilith’s abhorrence here, her reaction, is an interesting counter. I perceive Lilith as being someone who likes to dress a certain way, who likes to feel sexy. I know I do. When I wear high heels, a tight skirt, a really great bra, red lipstick etc I feel sexy and I like it. And I do it for me. I want to feel sexy for me, not for the male gaze and I feel this is Lilith’s approach, it’s her own enjoyment...yet, as always in this world for women, the way we dress directly influences how men interact with us, even though it shouldn’t. 

So Lilith is yet again a prisoner, as she has been her whole existence. She was trapped in the Garden by the rules that said she was less than because of being a woman, then she has been trapped by her banishment, then she was trapped by Lucifer in an abusive dynamic, and even now, even while she is technically free to do as she pleases, to dress as she wants, that comes with a trap. Because she can’t just dress and enjoy it, it brings predatory, presumptive men and she has to constantly deal with them. Boring, tedious, repetitive reactions to her appearance. But why should she have to tone down what she enjoys just to avoid men’s attention? Why should the way she dresses, the make-up she wears, be directly connected to men? Why can’t it be what she likes? But no, she is still seen through a man’s eye, and is still seen as an object, something to be taken...and it’s gone on for so long, Lilith has literally learned what all mortal women have learned; to ignore it. It’s the wrong lesson, but we’ve all done it, and Lilith is included in that. Devouring Hawthorne is her having had e-fucking-nough. 

When Lilith goes over to Sabrina and Hilda, warning them of what will happen if they can’t maintain the spell, she walks over so slowly and casually, she doesn’t even feign rushing. She’s really, really not bothered on any level and we, from the camera viewpoint can see the lack of urgency, which she only begins to feign once Sabrina and Hilda are focused on her. Lilith definitely needs an audience to maintain her cover. 

I love how she goes into full ‘Wardwell’ mode when she’s talking about how the mortals will be unprotected and there will be ‘no escaping his sword’. I love Lilith openly acting as Wardwell; when she tries to be what she thinks is a school teacher who is also a witch who also likes mortals, it’s comical. She’s all wide eyed and over-dramatic movement, hair flicking, open speech, she blinks her big, blue eyes, she nods, she sighs dramatically and sadly, she speaks with this energetic yet desperate urgency...she basically has a lot of the markers in her movement of an animated Disney Princess when they’re trying to save the day. And that really tells you all you need to know about what Lilith thinks a mortal-loving-history-teacher-witch would be like. 

When Hilda says ‘pitch in at any time’ in the most annoyed, sarcastic manner, Lilith just completely ignores her, like nope my focus is Sabrina, oddly rebellious-yet-soft aunt. She can only fake to one Spellman at a time. She only fully focuses on Hilda when she’s like ‘It would mean your Aunt Hilda holding the fort here alone for a bit’ and looks at the woman with both insistence of like ‘don’t you dare fucking refuse’, but also with the added ‘Wardwell’ expression of ‘I know I’m asking a lot’. As a side note Hilda’s frustrated ‘Bloody hell’ in reply is priceless.

We see Lilith’s small smile of satisfaction as Hilda agrees to stay and Sabrina agrees to go; this is the final stage of the plan, and things could have still gone awry, but Lilith knows the large part of the journey is done; once she gets Sabrina to the woods, she’s done it. It’s only a subtle smile, but it’s there, the woman is feeling relief. Because not only does this mean, she thinks, closer to a crown, but it means Satan won’t be punishing her. 

Also, it’s interesting that when they leave, Sabrina is the one to take Lilith’s hand. Lilith is currently watching Salem and then Sabrina grabs her hand, surprising her (I don’t think she quite expected Sabrina to be so gung-ho) and Sabrina is the one leading. She has Lilith by the hand and is running and Lilith is running slightly behind. Despite her being the one to manipulate the events, we see Sabrina leading the way, which I think is foreshadowing for how Sabrina will lead the way on a larger scale, and does mark the new path for Lilith to follow in the Part 2 finale.

Also, the pair of them look adorable running together, because if we take it at face value without our audience knowledge, it just shows how close Sabrina and Ms Wardwell have become since discovering Ms Wardwell was a witch. Which, without all the surrounding context, is really sweet. 

#episode stuff

[howtohero]

#094 The Multiverse

The universe is quite vast. Science records it as being hella vast (trust us on this one, we’ve seen charts). But, as it transpires, one hella vast universe is but a single cog in the vast tapestry of existence. (Wait, what, tapestries aren’t made of cogs. That’s a piss poor metaphor. Hey that rhymed!) You see, our universe (and your universe, perhaps you and I live in different ones) are part of a larger, vaster, multiverse. That means that there are a possibly infinite number of universes and each of them is unique with its own characteristics and rules (except for the ones that are just copies of other ones of course). 

It would be impossible for us to cover and discuss every single possible alternate Earth or universe that you might encounter, so we’re not even going to try (but if you came her looking for vacation recommendations, might I suggest going to Universe 3.789 Epsilon Qwerty {the name of this universe will obviously vary depending on how your universe chooses to name other universes} everything in that universe is ice cream and it is delicious. Just make sure you don’t eat anybody. And if you do accidentally eat someone don’t mention my name). What we will do however, is lay out some situations in which you might encounter another universe and give you the usual tips and tricks for dealing with them.

Many alternate dimensions will have an alternate version of you and everyone else around you. Some universes have doppelgangers of everyone from a different universe, which can be very disorienting for interdimensional travelers since many of these doppelgangers just resemble their alternate universe counterparts physically, while their personalities and personal histories can be completely different (for example there are several universes where I write an educational blog for supervillains and some where I write a blog on creative ways to stack and store cans of soup and some where I am Power Jones, the man with one million powers, defender of the galaxy, lover of tree nuts). Other universes however only feature doppelgangers of major individuals. Which can be very humbling. Imagine if you travelled to another dimension (suppose you had a three-day weekend or something) and discovered that versions of all your super-buddies existed there but there was no version of you. That would be terrible. Like the universe really doesn’t think you’re important at all. You saved your world from the menace of an evil disembodied mustache (named Megalexhar Fizzleton XVII for those of you keeping track of these characters) yet apparently that’s not enough to score you an alternate dimension counterpart. Rough. 

The first thing you should do when you travel to another universe is determine what the deal with your doppelganger is. Do you have one? Are they well liked? Is their life better than yours? Are they a superhero too? Are they a villain? Is their costume cooler than yours? And so on and so forth. Once you get a read on how your doppelganger is viewed you can decide whether or not you want to temporarily steal their identity, seek them out and become multiversial pals, permanently steal their identity, or disguise yourself as someone else. What you decide to do about your doppelganger might be dependent on why you traveled to another dimension in the first place. If you’re going just because you recently discovered the existence of the multiverse and so obviously you’re gonna want to check that out, then you might try to disguise yourself so you can observe the alternate dimension without alerting anybody to your presence of existence. If you’re going because you’re in pursuit of a hostile supervillain (say the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner steps up his game and becomes the Rambunctious-Reality-Light-Runner) then you’re going to want to get in touch with that universe’s super-community somehow whether that includes your doppelganger or not. If you’re going in a scientific capacity, to study other dimensions or the alternate physics other dimensions may possess, or as an anthropologist, to study the cultures of other universes, then you might want to make your presence known so you can gain access to certain people and things that you might want to study. 

I would recommend making friends from as many alternate universes as possible. For one, it’s always good to have more super-allies. For two, you can finally create an all-you a cappela group like you’ve always dreamed. For threes, if your nemesis captures all your friends in an effort to draw you out so they can kill you, you can just call in some pals from other universes that they didn’t even know about! For four (!!!!!), sometimes bad guys want to go above and beyond the normal call of evil and try to either take over or destroy the entire multiverse, uch, so extra. When this happens the heroes of the multiverse need to band together to kick some evil butt. It’s awesome. And it’ll be a lot more awesome if you’ve already got some friends from other universes that you can contact to get the ball rolling on this multiversial alliance. For your reading pleasure, and to prove that we are not bound by things that we say, even within the same post, here is a list of some common alternate dimensions that you’ll no doubt encounter during your travels through the multiverse.

The one where everyone’s allegiances are switched: Evil Hatmans, good Democratically Elected President Murder Kills (don’t be fooled by the name, he’s a huge softy), competent Professor Paleontologists. Maybe other things will be opposites too. Cold is hot and hot is also hot because the universe doesn’t want you thinking that you know it’s next move.  Topsy-turvy universes can be quite disorienting to the untrained dimensional traveler, proceed with caution.

The Golden Age: The adventures that were so feel good happy and idealistic that we had to shunt them into an alternate universe where everyone fights for truth and justice and everyone’s always smiling. A good place to spend a vacation.

The one that is a post-apocalyptic wasteland: Humanity has been wiped out. Except for the humans who haven’t been wiped out. But they all hate each other. And they’re plotting to wipe each other out. Because some things never change. Watch this space.

The one where all your friends are cute animals: Ultiman is a caribou, Dr. Python is a wombat (don’t ask why he’s not a python, he doesn’t have a good answer and he gets all frustrated). They’re roommates. Hilarity ensues. And it’s even funnier because they’re animals!

The one with thinly veiled copies of characters from a rival corporation: We have no rivals so we can’t give any practical examples of this. 

The period pieces: These universes have never left a certain time period. There are Wild West Universes, Russian Revolution Universes, Gangnam Style Craze Universes. If you’re the kind of person who can’t let go of a certain era, there’s a universe out there for you.

The universe where a monkey typed out the complete works of Shakespeare: If there an infinite number of universes that means there are an infinite number of monkeys and that means there are an infinite number of universes where a monkey somehow conned his way into getting access to a typewriter and that means that there are an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of Shakespeare. (Also an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of this blog {also an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of this blog except these monkeys are so clever that every single word feeds into some larger, brilliant pun. I aspire to one day find the key to being that talented.})

The one where everyone is a talking animal except they don’t resemble any of your friends: These talking animals are completely original characters like Bunderclap, the thunder bunny and the Hurtle, the turtle with a temper.

The universe where someone or something kills everyone: Well gosh that sounds pretty frikkin’ dark. Don’t go there. Gosh, everybody gets killed? Worst alternate universe ever.

The one that is the future: Maybe it’s your real future, maybe it’s just a possible future. I recommend hopping into a few of these types of universes. Find the future that’s right for you.

The one that’s exactly like yours: Or at least it was until this one thing happened. Now everything’s different! Even if those things shouldn’t have been affected by the thing that originally changed by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course, these are only a few examples of some universes that you’re likely to encounter. There are plenty of universes that are nothing like any of these. There are universes that we can’t even fathom. Universes that we can never access. Universes that don’t support human life. Universes that don’t support three-dimensional objects. The multiverse is a vast vast vast place, there are people who spend there entire lives trying to catalogue it all and die feeling unfulfilled because that’s just how vast it is. So if you’re going to venture out into alternate dimensions, stay alert, stay safe, and if you eat anybody, don’t tell them I sent you.

#superhero #superheroes #comedy #funny #humor #creative writing #multiverse #alternate dimensions #multiversial alliances #doppelganger #alternate universe doppelganger #alternate universes #Professor Paleontologist #Hatman #Dr. Python #Ultiman #Democratically Elected President Murder Kill #All your favorite classic characters show up in this one wow #Hurtle the Turtle #Bunderclap the Thunder Bunny #animal superheroes #russian revolution #wild west #gangnam style #alternate earths #parallel universes #universal streams #Universe 3.789 Epsilon Qwerty #the golden age #evil counterparts

[crimsongenetics]

all the SO questions

Gdi Russian. I’m not even going to link the damn thing.

1. Tell the story about how you met.

Everyone knows how we met. Jeez.

You know what? I’ll link the very first thing he ever sent me. I think that’ll be new material.

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

I think at first it was gradual, for the friendship, learning to trust him, and then all at once I realized I was actually in love with him

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

The first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I want to see before I go.

The most stable things in my life at any given moment and exactly what I don’t realize I need in any way possible.

One of my favorite sounds even when it’s at my pride’s expense. 

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

Gemini and fuck if I know ok fine I think I’m ISFJ. Maybe. I don’t know how this shit works. Strider is a Saggitarius and shit he’s sitting right next to me hold on ISFP?

Load of shit straight from the bull’s anus.

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

We lived a block from one another for years without realizing. We still live a block from one another but now we spend most of our time together.

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

That first New Year’s eve when we started dating. He almost didn’t fucking kiss me because he thought I wouldn’t want to, and when I initiated it anyway, kissing was still so new to us that his reaction is one I’ll never forget.

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

He called me daddy the other day and it was a hot fucking mess, let me tell you.

And yes, I mean in the standard way of calling something a hot mess. 

(Mostly.)

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

Yes, they are, but I went into this 100% willing to defy the fuck out of Dirk and expecting him to not even look in my direction. 

‘Lo and behold I now call him at least once a week to catch up on things.

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

I guess so? We have separate pets, I don’t know if we’d have one together. 

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

Whoa there. Slow your roll, we’ve only been dating two years at this point.

Plus, me raising kids? How cracked is your skull right now?

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

He likes to be held and cuddled somewhere, maybe with a movie or some music or something, and he talks to me if he needs it.

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

Usually just him being there makes things significantly better. If I need to talk he listens. It’s basically the same shit I’d do for him, except I talk a lot more than he does when he’s upset.

He always listens to what I need to say even if it takes half an hour to get it all out.

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

His incessant tapping or moving. It’s not necessarily cute but I know it comforts him and I know when he’s doing it something’s happening that’s affecting him.

If anyone else did it I’d probably tell them to calm their shit.

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

We went to Malibu with his family. I was tricked and then pleaded to. I liked it, the beach was really cool and I get along with his family like they’re just friends of mine, and I learned how to kind of surf while I was there.

Also other things I won’t mention here. It, admittedly, was a good vacation.

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

I’m not as good at being alone as I tried to tell myself for a while there.

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

I have cats.

18. Describe the perfect day with your partner. It can be something that’s already happened, or something that you plan to do.

Anything without work or school where we can be together without deadlines and just do whatever the hell we want to do that day, even if it’s never getting out of bed.

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

Don’t let either of us cook. Ever.

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

We live in Manhattan, really? Any of the non-chain places have a chance at being fantastic, but the pizza’s always good.

Yes to movies, no to ball sports. We have other things involving balls we can do to bond, thanks.

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

We bicker all the damn time, ok. How could I possibly pick one out?

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

I honestly can’t even remember one enough to explain. We’re way better at communication than we were in the beginning.

25. Do you two have a “song”? What is it and how did it become your song?

Pfft. Closer.

I’ll just let that live.

26. Has your partner ever inspired something creative like your art, writing, etc?

The boy character in my book is vaguely based off of him, which was more accident than intentional.

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

That’s…

Hm. We’re pretty different, but something about the way we work together keeps us pretty in-tuned to one another? At this point, understanding each other isn’t hard, it’s just trying to figure out what the hell kind of a point he’s trying to make.

I understand him a lot better when it’s serious matters. Other things? No fucking idea what goes on in that head of his.

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

Just on movies, but I don’t think that counts.

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

He won two awards for his work last year and it wasn’t until I was sitting at that stupid table watching him go up for a second speech that it hit me and I realized I was unbelievably fucking proud to see what he did with something he didn’t believe was something he’d be good enough in to win at.

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

He’s clingy as hell, I’m horny 24/7 it seems like. We even out and aren’t ever left hanging.

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

We nearly live together, you can guess this one.

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

We barely have the same sense of humor but we still laugh at things together. It’s usually in the vein of things we say to each other.

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

I don’t think so? If there is, they haven’t stepped forward yet.

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

Getting Strider to pass Creative Writing 101.

(Also one time he hit his head so hard he forgot he was dating me. Turns out he was in love with me a lot longer than I realize though, so that ended up being a learning experience. Hardest damn few days of my life until he confessed a second time, though.)

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

Just Strider.

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

Have you ever seen the pictures he takes? Jesus, I’m no art guy, but the colors on them. And the way they look when he does those set things, where they all fit together even if they’re pictures of totally different places or objects. I don’t get how he does it.

I don’t always get his films either, but he’s good enough to have won things, so I know he’s better than I can give him credit for. He’s not half bad at DJing either.

He’s also really damn good with those fingers of his.

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

Sometimes he says something really stupid and he knows it was really stupid but his embarrassment ranges from full-on red-faced to just the tips of his ears or the back of his neck and between the paleness of his skin and the color of his hair it never manages to look anything less than flattering and I kind of hate that but at the same time jesus he’s gorgeous.

Which is only exemplified when he takes off his sunglasses. You don’t realize what someone really looks like when they wear tinted eyewear and, while he’s attractive with them on, being able to see his eyes and discern what he feels is so absolutely stunning half the time I stop computing for a second or two.

Sometimes, if he’s done something he knows was a really good idea or was something I didn’t think of, he gets this stupid shit-eating grin on his face and it’s the cutest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen, even when I’m so annoyed at seeing it that I almost don’t want to look at it.

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

I think we’re both just taking it one step at a time and promising to stay on our track together for support, be it as boyfriends or best friends. I’m not going anywhere.

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

Communicate. God, you can’t know you’re with the person you’ll love forever if you don’t talk to them and listen enough to love them no matter what you hear.

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@fuckdavestriderheistheworst

Hey bitch you’re on tonight. GIF war? Just you wait.

#literalillbeats #ask memes // #NOSY SHITS

[peterjonesparker]

If you're taking prompts how about spideychelle with peter being jealous?

hello! thank you so much for sending this! i’m sorry it too me a bit to get it done! i’m currently on a road trip so i don’t have that much time. as someone who really struggles to write anything but fluff (lol), this was an interesting challenge! because jealousy is such a complicated emotion! for more angst: check out @spideyxchelle‘s jealous!peter headcanons here and here! they are soooo good!!!

also again, thanks to @accioharry for reading over this before i posted, like she always does. and check out her headcanons! and she’s cool i guess so maybe follow her?

but anyway, here’s wonderwall a fic in which peter parker has the best girlfriend. but everyone else notices too and it’s becoming an issue™ for peter. (ao3)

a short list of things peter lovesabout his life:

being spiderman, which he’s got onlock

aunt may, who hugs him when he’s sadand gives him good advice

going to mit, for which he’s payingbasically nothing thanks to financial aid and scholarships

knowing tony stark, who managed toconvince aunt may to let him live off campus after sophomore year and to lettony pay for said apartment

ned, his best friend, who’s killing itat columbia

michelle, who is, objectively, really fucking awesome, and also in lovewith him

a short list of things peter doesn’tlove about his life:

michelle is irresistible to peopleother than peter parker

peter parker gets jealous

a brief saga of thegreen eyed monster in peter parker’s life

chapter one

michellespends the night at peter’s apartment more often than not. the apartment is incambridge, so it’s close to her campus and it’s significantly less noisy thather floor in the dorm. plus, it’s nice to spend that time together especially sincethey can’t take all the same classes if they aren’t at the same colleges.frankly, peter’s life off campus has significantly improved since michellestarted partaking in it. she keeps his apartment well stocked with tea, snacks,and deli cuts because peter alwaysforgets to eat and he needs his protein.

so peter isn’ttoo surprised when he comes home to find orchids on the kitchen counter. hethinks they look pretty and seem to match with the rest of the apartment. andif michelle likes them, it’s more than alright with him. “where’d you get theflowers?” he asks when michelle comes out of the bathroom.

“oh, those?”she runs her hands over the petals gently. “my old lab partner got them for me.”she beams. “she said they reminded her of me.”

“the flowers?”peter questions, incredulous. because, really?flowers reminded her of michelle? “isn’t this the same lab partner from freshmanyear who declared her undying love for you at the end of your sciencerequirement?”

“yeah, butthat was two years ago.” michelle smiles down at the flowers before going tothe stove to heat up some water in the kettle (also courtesy of michelle). “wantsome tea?”

peter doesn’tsay anything for a few moments, just looking at her with his eyebrows drawntogether because really? flowers don’tremind you of people!! michelle scoffs, turning back to the tea. “you’re aloser.” but a few seconds later: “I’ll make you chamomile.”

chapter two

peter doesn’tthink about how great other people must find michelle again until a few weeks laterwhen he goes to surprise her after her last class of the day. he bookedreservations at that fancy greek place she’s been wanting to go to for the lastmonth. (so, tony may have helped. but peter’s not too prideful to refuse help towoo his girlfriend.) he waits outside the door as everyone slowly filters outof the classroom. but michelle doesn’t come out.

he peeks hishead in the classroom and a more basal part of him rears its ugly head.michelle is at the front of the classroom, laughing with that one TA he met atthe beginning of the semester. mark hadseemed a little too fond of michelle, considering it had been one week into theclass and she was his student. sopeter does something he will later claim that he would have done on any givenday because michelle is his girlfriend and the love of his life and he’s alwayshappy to see her.

yes, that’s precisely the reason why he walks downto the front of the classroom, wraps his arm around michelle’s waist, andkisses her before turning to mark and extending his hand in greeting. “hello, I’mmj’s boyfriend, peter.”

“I remember.”mark smiles, small and brief. peter keeps his arm around michelle, who doesn’tseem to notice any tension between the two. which is good. the last thing hewants is for his stupid jealousy to affect her in any way. he hates that it’salready affecting his actions because it’s such an old, archaic thing.

but: “I hateto break this up, but michelle, I got us reservations at that greek place youwanted to try.”

“oh mygoodness!” michelle’s face lights up and she grabs his face, kissing himquickly on the mouth. “have I ever told you that I’m in love with you?” petersmiles, dopey and bashful. because: oh mygoodness, she’s in love with me, oh my goodness, this is amazing, oh my goodness.

and then marksays quickly, “I should really get going. lots of papers to grade.” heemphasizes his point by lifting the large stack of papers in his arms. andpeter feels a bit badly now because mark has a long day ahead of him and he andmichelle were really only laughing. peter could have waited outside.

“it wasreally nice seeing you again, mark.” peter lets go of michelle for a moment toshake mark’s free hand. “hope to see you around sometime.” and a part of him istotally lying out of his ass. but a part of him also knows mark has helpedmichelle a lot in this class and made the experience so much easier. so a partof him means it.

but then markis leaving the classroom and michelle grabs his ass and bites his ear and peterdoesn’t really have the brain capacity for anything other than her at thismoment.

chapter three

peter doeshis best to avoid harvard parties. don’t get him wrong. he loves michelle andhe enjoys all the friends she’s made there. they all seem like really cool,really chill people. it’s just…well, whenever peter goes to harvard parties,someone inevitably makes him feel badly about not going to harvard. as if hewasn’t intelligent enough to get in. and he wants to punch them in the facebecause he’s fucking smart and capable and he chose to go to mit and mit’sgreat and he loves the people there and he doesn’t need to be at a school thatwas founded in the seventeenth century to be happy. but it’s usually someasshole dudebro drunk off his ass, so he doesn’t take the swing.

that’s whypeter tries to stay close to michelle whenever they do go to harvard parties.because she hangs out with her friends, who are all not asshole dudebros, andthen peter also gets to spend more time with michelle, which he never complainsabout.

it’s justthat…well…sometimes michelle gets approached at parties. for various reasons bydifferent people. he wants to laugh at the audacity of some people, who justcome up to michelle, as she’s standing right next to peter, and start blatantlyflirting with her and propositioning her. those are funnier and even mj laughsthose ones off. but the ones she can’t laugh off are the people she knows, whopeter can recognize are totally head over heels for michelle jones. because,really, who wouldn’t be?

so when, on aparticular saturday night when it’s a bit too chilly so they all drink more towarm up, one of michelle’s classmates from comparative religion comes up to thepair and promptly ignores peter to start having a conversation with michelle,peter decides it’s the perfect time to rest his arm around her waist. he’llblame it on the need for warmth in this dingy basement. that’s why he pulls hera bit more snug against his side and leans his head over onto her shoulder. helooks at the guy’s (damian’s?) shoes and just smiles, squeezing every so oftenon michelle’s waist so that she’ll twitch and hitch her breath.

and if, whenthey’re sobering up and walking back to peter’s apartment, arms pulling eachother close, peter can’t stop kissing her cheek and her neck and her lips.well, he’ll say it’s because the snow fell in her hair so beautifully that hehad to give her little lovings.

chapter four

peter hasbeen hearing about alicia for aboutsix weeks now. and even though he’s never met her, he knows he dislikes her. which, may be a bit unfair to alicia. but,in his defense, he’s had to hear about how amazing she is every single friday forthe last five weeks. he knows all about thesexy philosophy grad student who leads michelle’s discussions. how everyone’sbasically in love with alicia. how alicia is so well spoken and eloquent and knowledgeable.how alicia’s accent is really sexy. how alicia dresses phenomenally even thoughshe always looks like she’s operating on two hours of sleep. how alicia pays somuch attention to detail and questions them all on each word they use toexplain something. peter knows far too much about alicia for his liking.

when michellecomes back from discussion on a friday in late january telling peter all abouteverything alicia said today, peter can’t take it. so he walks up to mj andkisses her so that she’s quiet. but then michelle’s hand goes to his ass andshe’s pulling him closer and then peter is stumbling backward and leading totwo of them to their his bed. clothes disappear and then peter’s betweenher thighs for the next twenty minutes, eating her out like it’s his last meal,until she’s crying out his name andpulling at his hair. when she sighsand pulls him back up for a kiss, he doesn’t let any of that go and soon she’sscratching at his back until it’s raw and he fucks her a bit more passionatelythat he usually does. but after they’re done, mj just chuckles a little andasks, incredulous and a bit breathy, “where the fuck did that come from?”

peter givesher a peck on the lips and says the first thing that comes to mind. “it’s theone week anniversary of the perfect score you got on your essay.”

she laughs,shoving at his shoulder. “god,  you’resuch a loser, sometimes.”

“didn’t seemlike it just a while ago.” he smirks, and she pulls him into a kiss to get himto shut up for once.

chapter five

it all comesto a head when they’re shopping together at the target near his apartment. they’rewalking through the aisles, laughing about who knows what when peter sees a guyshopping a ways away, staring at michelle every couple of seconds. something inpeter’s chest flutters and he puts his hand in the back pocket of her jeans. mjgives him a funny look but doesn’t say anything because she probably thinksthis is him being dorky because they watched stranger things before they camehere and this was totally an 80s fad.

but thenpeter takes it too far when he notices the guy staring a bit too long for peterto be comfortable and so he squeezes her ass a bit. and michelle jumps andyelps, turning around quickly and looking at him in shock. peter blushesferociously and pulls his hand away like he’s been burned because he did not just do that. he’s absolutely mortifiedand worried he’s screwed this up. but then mj laughs and slides her hand intohis back pocket, pinching his ass tightly and smirking.

peter smiles,slipping his hand back into her pocket and then they’re walking like that throughthe store like bozos but they don’t care because it’s hilarious and they get totouch each other’s asses. when they get back home, peter lifts mj into the airand spins her around and she shrieks in laughter. they tickle each other and wrestle,but peter manages to pin michelle down on the floor, his arms trapping hersabove her head. she lets out a quick breath and manages to ask, “why are youbeing so handsy today?” a smirk. “not that I’m complaining.”

peter palesand he releases her arm, leaning back slightly. they always try to be honestwith each other, so he gulps and whispers out, “because I’m an animal who can’tcontrol my jealous urges?”

mj is silentfor a few moments and peter’s absolutely positive he’s screwed everything upand she’s going to tell him, rightfully so, how jealousy is archaic and about possession.but then she laughs and pulls him down to kiss him smack on the mouth. when hepulls back, a bit dazed, she smiles. “good, I was worried I was the only one.”and…what? peter’s jaw drops andmichelle grabs his jaw with her hands, moving it side to side. “we’re onlyhuman, you dork. everyone gets jealous now and again.” she kisses him once more.“let’s just promise to talk about it if it starts to become a problem, yeah?”

peter nodsquickly, a smile growing on his face along with his blush. and then he leansdown, bites her ear, and whispers all the dirty things he’s going to do to her.michelle just blushes and smacks his ass.

a short listof things peter will never stop loving

being with michelle jones, who is incrediblypatient with him, which is good because he’s probably gonna marry this girl

#ask #anon #spiderman homcoming #peter parker #michelle jones #spideychelle #sh #otp: i'm just kidding i don't care #i write things

[purplesurveys]

182

Do you prefer committed relationships or just friends with benefits? There has to be a commitment clause somewhere there. I don’t do the latter.

How many brothers do you have? Biologically, one–my younger sibling. My eldest cousin is a brother figure to me though and I grew up viewing and addressing him as such so I consider myself having 2 instead.

What if the last person you spoke to told you they wanted to marry you? I would be happy that there’d be some security in the relationship since I feel the same, and surprised since she never brings that up and is never that eager to tell me first.

What if you had a friend who could turn into random objects? Hahaha I think it would be very amusing. It’s funnier if they don’t also know what they would be turning into.

You know you’re in love when: I don’t know how to feel when I’m around them except helpless.

What kind of photo did you last see on the internet? A meme on Twitter before I started this survey.

Would you bring someone into your life who left if someone else had to die? These questions are never a joy to come across.

The last song you listened to was talking about: I have no clue what alt-J’s Nara is all about.

Did you have a happy childhood? Gotta love these childhood questions that mock me all the time.

How do you deal with grief? I cry it out, and I would rather be alone so I stay in my room, or if I’m in public I stay shut off from everyone. I would sleep it off, as well.

What was the last dream you had about? I’ve forgotten it but I know a Korean children’s song was playing for the duration of the dream and I can attribute that to the fact that I’ve been watching a Korean reality show with babies 24/7 these days…

Have you ever written a story just for fun? Probably as a kid. I disliked fiction more and more as I got older.

Are you a dreamer or a do-er? In the eternal words of Troy Bolton, “Did you ever think that maybe I could be both?”

Do you feel more of what you see or see more of what you feel? Too deep a question at 6:56 AM.

If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Can I cheat? Not a movie, but an episode. I want to experience San Junipero.

Do you think people get what they deserve? Fuck no. There are many people living in poverty who work their asses off who stay in poverty. Too many extra-judicial killings to count, involving children. Incompetent clowns getting appointed somewhere in the government. In the Philippines, people getting the life they don’t deserve becomes a reality.

If you were in charge of your country, what would you change? Welp my first agenda would be deporting the Marcoses (a political family whose patriarch is a dictator, and the matriarch a kleptocrat, and all their descendants just basically stupid) to a remote island with no food and water and never to be seen again. Gotta set my priorities straight.

Do you like to run? No I tire easily now.

Have you ever sang a solo in front of a crowd? Yes. In my 7th birthday party I had to sing Part of Your World to all my guests. That was the start and end of my singing career as we know it.

How about, have you played music in front of a crowd? Nope. I don’t play any instrument.

Does anyone have your heart? Er sure.

Do you wish your life was different than what it is now? I wish I wasn’t so sad all the time, that’s really the only difference I need.

What kind of shoes did you last wear? My black faux leather Keds.

If you were going to eat a snack right now, what kind would it be? I mean I’m having a pancake right now and that’s a snack. I wish I had something savory though, like chicken nuggets or fries. Do you have faith in anything or anyone? My relationship with Gab is my rock, yes.

Have you ever fell in love with someone you knew you would never be with? That was the initial thought process since I always believed she was out of my league. But by some funny reason I ended up with her, so.

Do you look on the bright side or darkness? Dark. Duh.

Would you rather be stuck on top of a mountain or in a deep-sea submarine? Mountain because at least I can always make the trip down. Don’t want to be stuck in a sub because there’s always the risk of my entire body and organs exploding thousands of feet underwater.

Does it take a lot of physical pain to make you cry? Hah no. I’m the worrrrrst at handling physical pain.

When was the last time you were in the hospital? Seven years ago.

What was the last thing you gave up in order to make yourself happy? My money. I bought myself lunch, which I never do. I felt it was right to treat myself since I got a 100 on my formal interview for my college org.

What do you think of homeless people? I feel sorry for them and wish the government would address their issues better.

What is the last book you read? I haven’t been in front of a book in a long while.

Do you stereotype people for where they live (cities, countryside, etc)? Not really, Filipinos are a pretty homogeneous people and it’s the same whether you’re in an urban or rural setting.

What is the last kind of food you ate in a resteraunt? I had tapsilog and sisig last Tuesday because I was absolutely starving.

What lyrics do you associate with your mood? I don’t have a particular mood rn.

Who is your hero? No one.

Do you judge a person by their looks? No, I’m not a bad person.

Have you ever had pets? Of course. I had a lot even before I had my current one.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game) Butt Ugly Martians. It was super weird looking back at it, but I know I enjoyed it in my childhood and that’s what matters.

What is the worst smell in the world? Any rotten anything.

What is the best way to break up with someone? There’s no best way, but the maturest way is to do it face to face. It will be incredibly hard for me to accept if it were done any other manner.

What is your top goal by the end of the year? Be inducted into my (future) org.

Are you artistic? Hahahahahaha.

Do you have friends you can joke around or are they all serious? Being able to joke around with someone is a prerequisite to being a friend of mine, so.

What would your dream job be if education and money were no object? I would have gone into wrestling.

In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Requiem For A Dream, Anomalisa, Grave of the Fireflies.

What is the best song to make out to? We’ve never listened to music while doing anything like that.

Do you go to bed early or late? Extremes, really. I’m either in bed by 9 PM or 1 AM.

How would you respond if a random stranger threw rocks at you? Take a picture of them and spread it on social media.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C? No.

Does it bother you when you can’t help someone who needs help? Of course. I feel most helpless when all I can give them are words.

#survey #surveys

[tumblunni]

A random game idea I had! It could be really cool to have like a survival RPG where you play as a wild animal trying to survive in the world. Seriously there are barely any games about the coolness of nature from the perspective of the nature, and the only one I found was just a platformer/walking simulator type thing with not much appeal to it. Still worth wasting my money on it just so the universe can see there's a market for this genre, tho! So yeah anyway, random thoughts for this game idea!! * I was thinking it could be a bit more fun if you're exploring an entirely new world of magical creatures instead of a super realistic documentary on any real animal. Plus that's just more flexible for me to do whatever I want with how things work for this species. * My first thought was maybe like a very unusual 'dragon' that's more insectile in design. Like a long Asian dragon crossed with a fluffy caterpillar. Lotsa legs, and a sweet lil face! There's even that one species of Japanese caterpillar that has the big head with horns and an EVEN MORE sweet lil face, that would work perfectly!! And I was thinking maybe it can charge up and shoot electrical blasts from those back horns? Its still very much a small underdog creature in this ecosystem tho, usually all it can do is issue weak zaps to scare predators away but not really fight back all that well. And your lil babies can't zap at all until their horns grow in, so you need to be very strategic to choose your battles carefully and keep your family safe. * also I was thinking maybe the babies could kinda be your lives system? It'd be hard to finish the game while keeping them all alive, and if you lose them all its a game over from despair. And also they follow you around and are cute and helpful and love u lots! And ypu can see them grow up if you keep them safe for the whole game, you can watch them leave the nest in the end and be so proud! I want them all to have their own lil personality, I want the player to get goddamn attached to their lil monster fam!! * alternatively maybe you start off with just one baby and then gain more as the game progresses? Cos I'm picturing this as you playing as a single animal, you're a solo mama lookin after the babs. Maybe your previous mate died tragically in the prologue? Or maybe you just don't have one and you're just a sweet lil dragon who adopts abandoned eggs you find along your journey. You could go on quests to find all the hidden unlockable children around the world map! And maybe they could be a big ol variety of patterns, and different special powers. Multi talented bebs! * another idea for adding variety to game is 'what about customization?' Let's defy all laws of logic and have the player be able to choose the course of evolution for these critters! Your skill tree could be growing extra legs or fangs or becoming an omnivore all of a sudden. Who cares if it makes no sense! Tho that would kinda lend itself better to a plotless game with intimate amounts of generations, so we could at least make the evolution semi realistic. Inheriting traits instead of just abruptly mutating a million things within the same generation. But I kinda wanted this to be a more emotional journey of a single family surviving a small lifetime together. Just a lil warm and soft snippet of life in this world. Just a lil family that you can keep safe. * a random idea I had for a helpful NPC was a big giant scary monster of another species that you end up forming an unlikely friendship with. Big scary is only scary cos they're protecting their sick child, you can find out about this and help find the rare herbs they need to get better. And now you have won a very large friend's undying gratitude! Maybe they could remove an obstacle in your path by fighting off a giant unwinnable boss fight for you, so you can get to the next area. Or maybe you can ride on their back so they can carry you further away from your nest than you can usually reach. I'm imagining the player character being like the size of one of their eyebrows, lol! Oh, and maybe they could even help dig stuff so you can do bigger renovations on your nest? I was thinking it'd slowly upgrade as you gather more skills and materials throughout the game, and you could have a super complex luxury lil meadow grove by the end. * oh and a random other optional side quest idea! One of the various biomes you explore could be a wintery area, and you could find a prime spot where you can store your supplies and have like rudimentary refrigeration. Storing up food supplies in prime cache locations around the world would be a big gameplay element if you're playing as a herbivore, and this would be a gamechanger cos now meat can be cached away too. And I was thinking the Large Friend could also be a useful way to make the game equally playable whether you picked herbivore or carnivore. Herbivore players can trade meat to the Large Friend and thus still gain some benefit from defeating enemies. Large Friend can probably bring you cool exotic fruits from high up in trees you can't reach. Yay! * oh and I've kinda been calling those characters The Bigman and Bigman Larva. Cos I thought it'd be funny if this is some large mammal and the protagonist doesn't really understand the difference. Their babies totally come from eggs too, right? When's the lil guy gonna spin his cocoon? * ...it'd be even funnier if they actually did spin cocoons. I mean, its a magical world! I can make anything I want! Mice hatch into bats in the spring~ * also I had a neat idea of how to maybe handle 'dialogue' in this game. Cos it'd be a bit lame to just translate all this animal talk into English, and it'd be hard to have an RPG if its completely 100% silent. I don't have enough confidence in my abilities to say I could pull off the awesome nonverbal storytelling of Journey! So the idea I had was that maybe it could be.. A nonverbal language? You see your protagonist's thoughts as lil dialogue bubbles of images. Lil semi-complex rune type icons that the player slowly learns as they play through the game. Starting just with very basic representations of the actual gameplay commands like 'run' and 'hunt' and 'small larva whom I love and protect', and then by the end you're able to hold entire simple conversations with friendly NPCs. * also I thought it could be hella neat if you could acrually name your babies using this system! Pick two or three runes to combine into a lil squeak you shall squeak towards this particular ball of fluff. "I love you [FIRE] [FRIGHTENED] and [BRISTLE BUSH] [ACORN] [TAIL]" * also I was thinking a cool way to organically teach this language to players would be to kinda compartmentalize it? Youd start off with a library of basic words and then everything would be introduced using those basic words. Like 'predator' is [RUN]-[EAT], displayed with those two symbols when you first encounter this problem. But then after its become more of a common part of your life it'd be smooshed down into a new rune symbol that combines those two, and that's added to your dictionary. And now you're able to say things about that predator, and use the word predator as a modifier to other stuff. Like 'coyote' might be introduced as 'fast predator' and then if you spend a lot of time scavenging in the coyote territory and fighting them, 'coyote' would become an actual word too. And it could be kinda oddly satisfying to name your newest child after a word you didn't have the last time, symbolising how you've mastered evading that particular predator. Hold your head high, [COYOTE] [FEET], my new and prosperous son! * Also, hmm, it could probably symbolise 'this shit is wrong and terrifying' when something breaks the naming conventions and reminds you of the components that first made that word. Like every other predator is just [adjective] [RUN]-[EAT] but then a griffon is [SKY]-[EAT] and a snake is [LUNGE]-[EAT]. Hell, to someone who's literally never seen a flying creature before, they might just be classified as like.. 'Jump' creatures. It'd be a giant shaking up of the whole world for our poor protagonist who only sees things as a collection of running or not running! And humans would be even more terrifying cos they're the only predator that isn't 'eat'. Why on earth does this thing kill us and just leave the body there?? Thats TERRIFYING! Protagonist might even have nightmares of their poor kid's soul being unable to rest cos their empty shell was never returned to nature after they died. They don't have the capacity to understand that humans hunt for sport or exterminate things they see as pests... And man, I can imagine that scraps of human materials could be super useful rare objects along your journey and like.. HOO BOY its a good thing protagonist will never know how exactly humans make those things. 'Wow this weird human thing called a clothes is useful nest lining material!' she says, as she sits on a dragon skin coat. 'Odd how it reminds me of my grandma!' * anyway lol I have a bunch of ideas but they're not very organized so I apologise for this rambley post

#dragon mom game

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

Trucy, you don’t need to take sides. There’s one side. The truth. And both Apollo and Phoenix are on that side.

They’re not at the same bench but they’re on the same team. It’s gonna be ok.

-

“I’m sorry too, little lady! this is all my fault..”

Oh so trucy gets an apology, but not Apollo? cool cool whatever 

-

Trucy, if Phoenix and Apollo become bitter enemies over a property dispute then they weren’t really all that close to begin with.

-

Dhurke: invalides trucy’s feelings while simultaneously spouting more of his Manly Man shit

-

“one minute we’re trading blows, and the next, we’re having drinks together”

well if that’s his mentality i can see why he thinks its ok do be an utter fuckwad to everyone

-

“We’re simple creatures at heart! Hah-hahahaha!”

yes... men are so simple at heart... they’re just a bunch of neanderthals... thanks Dhurke, truly you are the way to the future.

-

To be honest, I am glad that this is a civil case. When I first saw the publicity I was sure they’d made Phoenix a prosecutor for no reason and I was furious.

I’m not super glad at the way things turned out but at least the bullshit counter didn’t go into the red and explode.

Phew. I’m actually sighing in relief here. Maybe I can pretend what follows is all a friendly game or something.

-

Aww; poor Judgey’s confused :(

-

...they seriously don’t need to have a falling out to be on the opposite side of a courtroom. Lawyers face each other all the time. 

They don’t have to hate each other, they just have to keep things professional, otherwise they’d cause a conflict of interest. Like... it’s not ideal but tbh it’s more a danger to their clients than each other.

-

Y’know, I’m gonna dare to be optimistic here; as much as I hate this storyline and most people in it, this is actually an interesting and character-developing scenario.

Apollo has to face off against his mentor, the guy who... well I’d say Kristoph taught him all his tricks, but Phoenix was a sort of moral guiding force, I guess. Apollo standing up and holding his own against a superior is a legitimate way to show that he’s come into his own. Plus, since it’s not framed in a negative light (or at least, it shouldn’t be) it’s more impactful than phoenix being straight up evil since that would make it easy to take him down. This is a contest between two people who simply happen to be on opposite sides of the chess board. Again, it’s a pretty legit way to show Apollo’s growth.

...that said, I just wish it wasn’t happening after zero character build up and a heaping serving of bullshit. :T

Oh well. At least they got something right.

-

it is pretty hilarious how much they’re trying to up the drama though. it’s not that deep, guys

-

I guess Atishon just doesn’t have legs 

[snerk] his shitty speeches are actually kinda funny. ...if a little cliché.

-

...he’s standing... but I'm still not ruling out that he’s legless...

-

Tbh, even though Atishon is clearly lying, the fact that Datz basically threatened the orb out of Buff does make this kind of in their favour. 

-

...Apollo, don’t overcomplicate the case. All you have to do is prove that it’s not the crystal and you can have it. 

-

Reasons Apollo would make a good rebel: He doesn’t blab his rebelness all over the place for no reason.

-

SEXY PAN UP SHOT FOR MS. SKYE

nice ankles, ms skye.

-

“Ema..?”

“Use some manners, we’re in court”

thats not the way you acted the last time you were called as his witness :/

-

whoa seriously whats with the sudden crazy 180 for Ema? Yeah, she’s grumpy, but suddenly she’s acting like Apollo’s some rude little shit off the street. Why is she upset that he’s going up against Phoenix? Why does he need to apologize? JUST BEING ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE COUTROOM DOESN’T MAKE YOU ENEMIES.

or did the SOJ team forget the lessons we learned in the trilo–– oh who am i kidding they’ve never even laid eyes on those.

-

“You’ll never get the job done with that attitude. Take it from someone who’s been there” Been where???? Been where, Ema?????? what the fuck are you talking about what is going on 

-

haha the fey statue and the urn were ‘stolen’, huh? yeah. stolen from a better game.

-

pfft. So Buff’s some Kaitou Kid type, huh?

-

y’know ive been neglecting to mention it but have you noticed how much they skimp on animation compared to DD? DD had like 20 tiny animated cutscenes, and SOJ has one lame one at the beginning of each case to set it up. I can’t believe they even slashed the animation budget.

-

has anyone noticed how unfocused 3D phoenix looks. he looks like he’s just. staring out into space.

-

i love they don’t use gendered pronouns to refer to Buff’s kid. Remember the last time they did that? Mr. Andrews......

-

“I was shocked to see the urn that came from Kurain in Kurain”

anyway quit referencing actually good games, SOJ. Back to the shame corner for you.

-

oh COME ON. How do you steal a fucking wall relief?! 

and he really couldn’t just get a fucking permit? what the fuck is this

-

“but good intentions are no get-out-of-jail-free-card”

they are a sentence-lightening card, though! either way, this is one of the things i like most about AA. No matter how good your intentions were you still dont get away with cold-blooded murder. 

OR KIDNAPPING, AURA. HAVE FUN IN JAIL YOU SHITTY EXCUSE FOR LESBIAN REPRESENTATION.

-

every single theft of an artifact can be attributed to Dr. Buff. every single one.

-

alright, so we’re back to that whole ‘missing object report’. Thing is, unless there really IS a Crystal of Ami Fey, this wouldn’t work out. Atishon has to provide evidence that he owned the item, or that it existed in the first place. If this crystal turns out to be made up I’m gonna pitch a fuckin fit.

Don’t disappoint me, SOJ.

-

“Wimperson”

ah, SOJ, with all the comedic genius of a third-grader.

...to be fair i could say the same about Larry but i like larry and AA1. and it also plays into his phrase-thingy!

-

seriously. gimme pics of the crystal or we’re gonna have some serious problems.

-

“So how do you know this item is the thing he’s looking for”

“he said so”

THATS. NOT EVIDENCE. 

-

oh judge, your oldness never ceases to be to be enjoyable 

(that wasn’t sarcasm btw i love that dumb running gag)

-

seeing phoenix scream from the opposite side of the table is very enjoyable. just because i love seeing phoenix scream but also like having that scream not mean something bad for my case. 

i get to have my cake and eat it too! <3

-

um i dont think you can put dashes in email addresses.

-

“Don’t tell me!”

“Oh, but I will anyway.”

I love Apollo so, so much.

-

so you looked far enough into this that you tried to hack his computer but you’ll accept “its mine cause i said so” as concrete proof of something??

-

“Maybe the recipient of the email was a dog lover!”

he might be on the other side with the kid gloves off but phoenix is still Phoenix “a baseball also has stitches” Wright.

-

fuck. he walks to the bench. he cant not have legs.

...but maybe........

-

what the fuck

Atishon has the same birthday as my dad

DISGUSTING

-

oh my god, seeing phoenix /sweating/ on the other side is even more surreal

-

i also love that everyones making ‘politicians are gross’ jokes willynilly but they all forget that they’re Criminal Defence Lawyers

-

“This is... Quite... a thing... you’ve said”

I'm wheezing

this is turning out to be way funnier than i expected

please SOJ I'm having fun don’t stop me now

-

i mean he has a point. if Atishon leant the item to Bluff to study that still means that Atishon owned it in the first place.

HOWEVER, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PROOF OF THE ORIGINAL ITEM IN ANY WAY RESEMBLING WHAT WE’VE GOT HERE.

-

its so weird to see phoenix on the wrong side of the bench that i keep getting his voice wrong when i read him out loud. i keep making him sound deep and authoritative instead of... well, how he usually sounds.

-

“Well, grandchildren ARE meant to be spoiled... I mean, that’s what grandfathers are for!”

judgeyyyyyyyyy

im crying

-

ema: can i fuck off now

-

“lets get more info on the crystal”

FINALLY. thank you, athena.

-

NO, NOT ITS HISTORY, DAMNIT

PROVE THAT IT EXISTS AND YOU OWNED IT.

-

“back in the old country”

...england..?

-

pft i though his testimony said “The Hilarious History” instead of illustrious history and i was so ready

-

“he protected the spirit mediums, a minority back then, from the rest of the locals”

well thats a big fat lie because

A) Kurain village is build on mediums

B) no way the Fey clan would allow a male ruler

we could reaaaaaaaallly use some photo evidence, Atishon.

-

“One Ives Shineto”

ok what the FUCK. where the hell are all the women?! HEY. SOJ TEAM. DID YOU EVEN GLANCE AT THE  oh of course you didnt fuck meeeeeeeeee

also whats that pun

-

FFFF PHOENIX YA LIL SHIT

-

“The transformation the mediums underwent when channeling spirits frightened the locals”

i am glad to know changing your entire bone structure is as scary looking as it sounds. of course, i doubt people would be frightened for too long when they were talking to deceased loved ones.

-

i must say they did do a good job writing Atishon’s lines.

-

“The Kurain channeling technique is known to have originated from Kooraheen, and Ami was said to travel there to train”

No, Ami invented the technique, and according to your backstory, she lived there first. Can you even keep your own facts straight?

I mean, apart from all this being bullshit and i hate it.

-

i legit cant believe it took THAT LONG for phoenix to point out the fact that the handover agreement was signed under duress.

that'd be like, the first thing i pointed out. 

...ah, there it is. I knew this couldn't stay a happy little civil case for long. Here comes the murder.

Also, really Phoenix? You didn’t bring up the fact that he might have been killed any earlier too?

-

Now that theyre bringing up the pile of books, I realize how ridiculous it is that there were so many of them on the ground. Pulling out one book might dislodge one or two next to it, but not the entire shelf. For the books to have fallen like that, they would have needed to have been shoved from the other side, or for the shelf to have listed forwards. neither of those things are possible. and nobody noticed this?!

i mean the only reason i didnt think about it was because i knew this was murder from the start.

-

Man, Phoenix, with all your “with respect for the dead” talk, it sure did take you a while to bring up the fact that you knew he was murdered and the police should probably be getting on that right now.

>edit: Actually I just realized how despicable that is; keeping the fact that this was murder secret just to use it later on as a quick bargaining chip in your civil case.

Hey capcom? You can screw up the series all you like but FUCK you for making Phoenix a skeezy piece of shit on par with the likes of von Karma. Because you know who else withholds information that sensitive for such a petty reason? MANFRED VON KARMA. 

Fuck you, capcom, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK you. 

-

“Did you forget who you were up against, Mr. Justice?”

All I do is hurl baseless accusations!!

-

wow the second this turned into murder i just got tired of this case. Also, Phoenix, you better back your butt back to your seat. Being a murder case, this requires a prosecutor... something that you are not.

-

theres AN AUTOPSY REPORT. WHY ISNT THIS A SEPARATE TRIAL.  THIS SHOULD BE A SEPARATE TRIAL; THIS SHOULD BE BEING... TRIAL-ED IN ANOTHER COURTROOM. you can reference it, and use it as evidence, BUT YOU CAN’T JUST COMBINE THEM.

Damnit, Capcom, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DISAPPOINT ME.

BUT YA JUST COULDN’T HELP IT, COULD YOU.

-

...Datz is in the gallery... But he was just in jai–– fuck it whatever

-

ok now that this is a murder trial Atishon’s non-answers aren’t funny anymore, theyre ANNOYING. I WANT THIS SHIT TO BE OVER AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. YAP ME A CONTRADICTION OR I’LL CRAM YOUR BELOVED PLAQUE UP YOUR POLITICALLY INEPT ASS.

-

“Try me, o lord of plebs”

its been a long time since any meme-y type person has called someone else a pleb... please try to keep up, SOJ.

-

i love that phoenix, at the end of each statement, politely states “get the fuck on with it, asshat”

-

why the fuck did he 

fall asleep what

OOO THE JUDGE YELL 

AW YEA

-

“What did I ever do to deserve this?”

you existed in the first place, Apollo. I’m sorry.

-

No.............

I do not like that Phoenix used the phrase, “Witness, I think it’s time for you to come clean.”

You know who uses phrases like that.

Assholes.

-

“You should know I always come fully prepared, Justice!”

( buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it––)

-

...Right, so Phoenix isn’t a prosecutor but he sure as hell has been doing a lot of prosecutorial things. Calling all the witnesses, explaining the case, etc.

Oh and he and and Atishon still didn’t tell anybody that Buff was most likely murdered right off the bat so ffffffuck you capcom 

-

Fuck you, Datz. Stop laughing and fucking focus on the fact that you’ve been accused of murder and it’s kinda tough on your ol’ pal Apoll– oh wait silly me i forgot none of you give a rats ass about him. All you do is laugh and eat and sit around waiting for Sadmad to come home.

-

“Better brace yourself, son”

Hey guess what Dad warranty expires if you haven’t made or tried to make contact in 20 years so get that word out of your nasty mouth, Dhurke.

-

“Worried this might make a rift between you two...

...and that you might then leave the agency”

haha

“Hahaha. She has an active imagination”

hahahah

hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

-

“...Nothing a little persuasion couldn’t handle.”

Capcom. If it was something douchey. I will tear you in half.

-

SEXY PAN UP SHOT FOR

robot guy

-

i remember when i used to be excited for each new case. now I'm just scared what new horrors the next will bring.

-

hang on why does the drone not have a special sound font? if it didnt disguise the operator’s voice it would be kind of obvious who they were...

-

HOLY SHIT MISSILES

SO... THE WHOLE “BOMBS IN THE COURTROOM ARE HORRIFIC THING” FROM DD IS JUST FORGOTTEN, HUH??

-

hang on.

“Capitalist pig; I’ll turn you into pork stroganoff”

is “Sarge” legit Russian, then? That explains the “Komandir” thing. Shit, I have to change my voice.

-

ok so Sarge is written with an American Sargent phonetic accent, but uses Russian rankings and seems to be communist. What am I missing???

-

“I guess he does dress like he’s in the military...”

hes a paratrooper!!! why dont you know that? i thought you grew up with him.

-

“That’s true. Papa didn’t keep our house locked up.”

...the... archeologist... with a house full of priceless treasures... didn’t lock his fucking doors.

hey congrats for trusting the mediums and all but guess what? thats irresponsible as fuck and incredibly stupid for a supposed thief so I'm kinda surprised it took you this long to be discovered/bumped off.

-

those have got to be nerf bullets cause firing a GUN in court is just fucking ridiculous. like too far for Ace Attorney. Melee weapons, ok. Long range firearms? No.

...Though... Note to self... Next time, when creating parody prosecutor, you now have legit grounds to just give him a fucking gun........

-

“Sorry, but I’m afraid lawyers are missile-proof.”

Note to self. Upgrade gag prosecutor to missile launcher.

-

ooh, i see this drone is in the same vein as the Assassin’s Radio.

-

“Courtroom warriors don’t use guns or missiles, because evidence is our weapon of choice!”

Ahah! THATS why prosecutors are so violent. They never have any evidence to back up their assertions so they just fuckin ASSAULT people.

-

i... had a little chuckle at ‘truth bomb’

-

“What’s with him and Siberia of all places?”

Well context wise it seems he's some kind of... Defected-to-communist American?

-

Huh. Athena’s powers must be based purely on sound waves then. Interesting. 

Anyway, it’s mood matrix time! Hooray!!! I’ve warmed a lot to the Mood Matrix to be honest. I like the glowy lights.

-

I’m gonna make a guess right now that something was on fire. Cause thats some PTSD shit right there.

-

pfft the gallery was so on board with their new judge overlord. Also thank goodness this is Ace Attorney and this shit is allowed to fly, cause you’d get your ass handed to you if you tried this in real court, pal.

-

Um, I wouldn’t dig any deeper if sarge is still in such a state. It’s not... safe. Either that or you best hope that thing’s bottomless magazine has run out. Plus, I love that whoever’s watching over the actual Sarge in the Lobby hasn’t tried to stop them when they noticed them SCREAMING AND PRESSING THE ‘FIRE’ BUTTON REPEATEDLY.

Or they’ve left Sarge unattended and the Dark Age of the law isn't over because it was an omnipresent thing to begin with...

-

its ok, game. contrary to what you think, you did write Sarge’s backstory in a memorable enough way for me to remember it up until now.

-

Huh. 

HUH.

So... the person involved in writing Ace Attorney Investigations... Has written a sequence in which we must burn evidence to prove a point, huh?

:T

-

DONT YOU HINT AT ME, GAME

-

that solemn moment of reflection doesn’t include Phoenix cause he’s over behind his desk bawling his eyes out

“I’LL BE YOUR NEW PAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

-

actually Athena’s got a point. Her tragic backstory is much more similar to Sarge’s than Apollo’s. She can properly relate to losing one’s last family member in a horrific way.

-

S––

Well, considering her age, Cutesie Pan-up shot for Armie.

-

Apollo’s having serious Robin Newman flashbacks right about now

-

ahhhhhhhhhh. her mom was Russian. It all makes sense. Tbh just for now, forgetting everything else, this kind of does feel like an old case. I’m at peace... for now.

-

i guess it’s less of an orb and more of some kind of lantern then. Cause you can’t really burn a crystal

unless its

whitcrystal

hahah

hahahahahahahhaha

-

so far I'm ranking the cases from best to worst: Magical, This part of Revolution, Foreign, Rite and Storyteller. 

-

sgsjgsjsjjs athena’s INTENSE LOOK OF HUNGER as Apollo burns the orb

“I wanna see me some sweet mama goddess”

-

damn shit thats her face

thats uh

o

ohhhh

oh i see. I was wondering what the ‘great power’ the orb could bestow upon people was, and now I realize that since it depicts her face, if someone knows her name, they could channel her. And since she's basically an actual goddess that would bestow some serious power.

not bad, not bad at all.

i know i highly dislike Kooraheen but i legit feel kinda blessed

-

“The issue is crystal clear”

*seals phoenix’s fate with a fucking pun*

-

dont keep saying “did we just win” before the verdict is handed down, you'll jinx it.

-

oh hey, blackmail. its like a perfect reenactment of Capcom getting Phoenix to sign onto this sequel.

-

Phoenix: According to the legend, once the founder returned... She would bestow spiritual power onto the person who solved the riddle.

Apollo: ...Y-youre kidding, right?!

[Apollo looks flummoxed, the gallery whispers. We cut back to Phoenix’s smirk, and then––”

???: Phoenix... Just give it up.

[Phoenix screams in shock. We pan back to Apollo......... Who now has D-Cup breasts and a very familiar face.]

/...i wish.

-

legit tho i cant believe he's trying to pull this. I'm cackling

this is the lawyeriest lawyer ploy ive ever seen

-

“What’s gotten into him?”

bad writing.

-

sdsgsdhjafhgj EVEN THE JUDGE IS CALLING BULLSHIT IM CRYI

-

(sigh) i guess we’re really gonna have to finish this, aren’t we. oh well. on we go! let’s forge ahead!

-

y’know i just remembered that Pearl appeared like, once in this. Was that her only part? I guess she just existed to remind us that Kurain village used to have girls in it.

-

noooooooo fuuuuuuuuuuck

i really hope the contradiction doesn’t require pressing because i aint sitting thru this fuck’s antics again.

-

it has rounded corners.

and its huge.

-

phoenix and apollo’s objections are too similar, i can never tell who’s screaming.

-

“There haven't been many murders there, I take it”

well........ not “many”

-

i love that Atishon pledges to banish murdeer from Kurain village and Apollo is all “yea good luck with that” like Murder is inevitable, even in a tiny village like Kurain.

Thats. kinda terrifying.

...though considering the way Kurain is...

-

i cant tell phoenix and apollo’s voices apart (sigh)

i never know whose objecting 

-

Phoenix: my client couldn't have viewed the murder directly from where he said he was, but the fact remains that he had inside knowledge of said crime!

...phoenix, you’re just trying to help apollo along, right? you didnt seriously believe that that sounded positive to your case, instead of Shady as Fuck, right??

-

“You talk big, Mr. Justice, but do you have what it takes?”

he just finished telling Phoenix he was about to put what Phoenix taught him into practice. Phoenix should be swallowing a lump in his throat and trying not to cry of pride right now.

-

“that suitcase could be a weapon anyone could use!”

yeah... yeah! even someone in a wheelchair!! oh wait wrong case.

..........but we still have someone in a wheelchair

-

a 3D crimscene view

haven't seen that shit since AAAJ

-

‘THAT SHITSTAIN ON THE BOOK PROVES HE WAS HAVIN THE COFFEE SQUIRTS, CASE CLOSED BOYS”

sorry i just felt like being vulgar

-

“and there it is, the final excuse cornered killers are so fond of”

holy shit

i love apollo

-

phoenix shut up please, just shut up

let it end

let me rest

-

oh wait

ah here we go.

-

“hes a bright young politician with a future ahead of him, its in our nations best interests to avoid burdening him with the taint of scandal”

hey, uh Enshiro

ill never forgive you for putting those words in Phoenix Wright’s mouth

-

“Lawyer! Do something! Or a bad thing will happen to ‘her’!”

no? nobody else heard that incredibly obvious threat? nobodys gonna

“whats he talking about? well, i can ponder that later. for now...”

FUCK

YOU

DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN THAT IS CONNECTED TO YOUR FUCKING EARS?!

HOW THICK HEADED DO YOU HAVE TO FFUCKING BE TO NOT RECOGNIZE A GODDAMN THREAT WHEN YOU HEAR ONE YOU 

YOU

YOU PUTRID PICKLED RED PEPPER?!?!??!?!

-

Athena: oh yeah i also heard Atishon making blatant threats at Phoenix but meh, phoenix made me pinky swear not to tell. 

I’m not shitting a lung in fury, I’m just getting rid of an organ i dont need through the nearest available passage. I’m perfectly calm and not cursing this game, Eshiro and his entire team to the pits of their own stupid made up hell.

-

“I had no idea. This must’ve been excruciating for him.”

i wanted to write a sarcastic jingle but i had trouble coming up with rhymes, so the blunt bottom line is:

when you’re not good at writing, simply steal clever and impactful plots from previous iterations so that you’ll seem clever and exciting

i mean

nobody even remembers Farewell my Turnabout anymore, right????

-

what the fuck is his deal with being king

-

OH SHUT UP DURKE 

GO FUCK YOURSELF

think youre gonna steal Franziska and Mia’s thunder????????????? no

you aren’t a fucking fraction of an inch as cool as either of them.

-

“he’s saved my neck so many times”

w

when

-

“where there’s a will, there’s a way”

how about where theres a whip, theres a better game?

-

“wait................... maybe we can summon the founder now that we can see her face??”

aww. you got there in the end, didnt you apollo.

-

...that doesnt automatically spare Maya’s life. Pearl is also a spirit medium. And i’m fairly certain there are other–– oh wait SOJ retconned that neverMIND

anyway, Atishon could still bump Maya off and then force Pearl to channel Mamma Kooraheen

-

OH MY GOD HE JUST BROUGHT UP PEARL

WHY PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID 

-

WIMPERSON BROUGHT UP PEARL

THE IDIOT VILLAIN BROUGHT UP THE FLAW IN YOUR BRILLIANT PLAN 

GSEGFISGUILSGIULSGUI;SRHG

-

“pearl wouldn't help you if anything happened to maya”

um. you morons think he’d politely ask her to help??? he's already kidnapped someone and threatened their death?? he and his founder aren't above torture or blackmail????????????

you FUCKING MORONS

-

why even bother resigning? just do what you did before and let him go to jail.

-

...this’d better just be a lead up to his breakdown animation 

-

YOU COCKSUCKING FUCKSTAINS JUST END IT ALREADY

END IT END IT END IT EDN TI EDNEI HDFI HSRLG SIHFLIHIR HF;LIVHLSIRHIGHISRHOVGLORIH’WI’HSGOI’WSGZIHSI

-

“if only you'd been smart enough to kill the girl, too...”

wow

-

...what the fuck

well that was... interesting.

-

i cant even celebrate Phoenix congratulating Apollo, I'm just so tired

there are like 85 sarcastic remarks i could make but I'm just so exhausted 

-

yay we got the orb

dootdootdoot dootdootdoot

-

even the judge doesnt want to have anything more to do with this.

im right there with ya judgey

-

“All I can say is, thats my boy!”

NO, YOU DONT GET TO CLAIM PARENTAL PRIDE OF THIS KID

HES NOT YOUR BOY

YOU BARELY RAISED HIM

GO HOME AND DO YOUR SHITTY COUP

-

“Still, its kinda nice to be appreciated”

if only you actually were, Apollo

-

yeah, thought so... ill bet they dont even channel her. cop out.

“tsk, thats no fun” indeed, trucy

-

i love how nobodys like “OK WHERE’S MAYA??? IS SHE OK???”

its fine her whereabouts are unknown and the last info on her was just that her life was in danger

pfffff

-

its alright, Armie has a place at the WAO 

-

"i knew if i admitted i could walk, id have to leave the house”

uh honey newsflash: you can leave the house in a wheelchair too. I'm pretty sure your dad would let you stay inside anyway

-

christ how fucking corny can you get. I CAN WALK AGAIN. why dont we just have Tiny Tim in here throwing away his crutch and dancing a fucking jig

-

see, there we are. Maya’s still in danger you fuck wits.

-

and part one is over, folks! i am pooped. and furious.

till next time.

#sulking over SOJ #im so.... i #this fucking game good christ this fucking game

[huntertales]

Part One: Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years? (The End S05E04)

Useful Links: Last Part | All Episodes Word Count: 6,187. A/N: Okay, I would have totally gotten this up yesterday, but if you could tell from the word count, this came out about a thousand words over goal. I totally didn't mean for this to get so long it just sort of...happened. These parts for this particular episode are probably gonna be super long, as there's nothing I can really cut out. Good news for you guys! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ function replaceAll(find, replace, str) { return str.replace(new RegExp(find, 'g'), replace); } function myHandler() { var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; document.body.innerHTML = replaceAll('Y/N', document.getElementById("inputTxt").value, document.body.innerHTML); } // ]]>

Driving the Impala was a rare treat of yours that almost never seemed like an option with Dean and his obsessive mannerisms. But the man was feeling a bit generous when the both of you departed on a grueling sixteen hour drive from the last town you ended up in. Dean offered you the keys at the seven hour mark when he stopped to fill up the tank before heading back on the road. He was worried about being too exhausted to continue on despite the coffee you were offering to share with him after you slept a few hours in the back. So you switched with him, allowing him to rest his eyes for the rest of the ride as you took your seat in the driver's side, At first it was kind of fun to be behind the wheel after such a long time away, but as the time drifted to about nine hours later, you were barely finding it possible to keep your eyelids propped open with the aggravation of sleep deprivation settling into your mood.

You tighten your grip on the steering wheel when you spotted the little motel crammed between an Italian restaurant that looked like it was about to close and a newspaper stand. You found a parking spot against the sidewalk and straighten out the Impala until it was perfect. Killing the engine, you let out a sigh of relief to know that you made it in one piece, and a comfortable bed was just a few hundred feet away. You opened up the driver's side door and slammed it shut, awakening Dean who had been sleeping on and off over the past few hours. Both of you grabbed your belongings from the backseat and headed to the sidewalk. Your attention was straight ahead on the person running the front desk in the motel, you walked passed a man standing next to the door holding flyers and preaching the word of the impending doom.

"Excuse me, friend," You were a few feet away from the door when you stopped in your tracks to see the man had come forward to you. "But have you taken time out to think about God's plan for you?"

Your lips stretched into a faint smile from his words, "God doesn't have a plan for me. I'm not His child."

"Of course you are." The man said as he let out a small laugh, thinking you were pulling his leg by .making him presume you were a nonbeliever of a higher power. "He has a plan for all of us."

"No, I'm not." You whispered to him. Your eyes wandered over to see that Dean was finally lifting up the duffel bag of his and slamming the backseat door. You looked over at the man to finish your thought. "I'm really a cambion. You know, sort of like the spawn of Satan. I'm the reason why the Devil's here on earth and my best friend is his sworn vessel. So, yeah, I'm sure God doesn't have a plan for me."

You wished the man a good night with a friendly smile, letting the truth that had been burning in the back of your mind over the past few weeks finally be let out, only for it to come across as a sarcastic ploy to get some bible thumper out of your way. He thought you were joking when he started chuckling ever so slightly, but when you looked over your shoulder, the man started to slowly back away, thinking you were dead serious.

+ + +

You managed to kick off your shoes and rest yourself against the most comfortable looking thing you've seen in the past twenty-four hours, the motel bed. Unfortunately there was only one room available for the night, not giving you much of a choice to avoid Dean and the impending truth that lingered over your head.  You were worried about how he was going to handle it if you decided to be be honest for once in your life. Maybe he would believe you and understand, sort of like how he had been with everything else. Or maybe he would view you like his brother—a monster he wanted to shun away, forgetting he ever loved such a thing that wasn't even really human. You looked away from the wall you had been staring at and glanced over to the window, watching as Dean kept himself busy by shutting the curtains, blocking out the street lamps so you could sleep in darkness.

"We're talking about the colt, right?" You asked. You sat on the bed with your cell phone on speaker so you and Dean could have a conversation with Cas, who had not even called you five minutes ago. He brought up some interesting news that seemed more like a blessing in disguise from what you had been thinking about. You turned your attention away from the window, finding the idea of having the colt, the one you had spent years gaining and losing, still in decent condition after Lilith got her hands on it. "I mean, as in _the _colt?"

“We are.” Cas said.

"Well, that doesn't make any sense." You said, watching for a moment as Dean wandered over to the small kitchen area directly across the bed to grab a beer from the fridge. "I mean, why would the demons keep a gun around that, uh, kills demons?"

"What? What? Did—" You overheard what sounded like a truck passing by Cas, making you realize he must be standing at the edge of the highway while having this conversation. "I didn't—I didn't get that."

You couldn't help yourself but let out a quiet laugh, finding the image a funnier than it should have been. "You know, it's kind of funny, talking to a messenger of God on a cellphone. It's, you know, like watching a hell's angel ride a moped."

"This isn't funny, Y/N." Cas said with a serious tone. "The voice says I'm almost out of minutes."

"All right, all right." You mumbled, letting your smile slowly drift away from your lips as you began tracing a pattern into the stained carpet with your big toe. "I'm telling you, Cas, the demons have melted the gun by now."

"Well, I hear differently. And if it's true and if you are still set on the insane task of killing the Devil," Cas argued with you, making you subconsciously roll your eyes in frustration at hearing just the mention of Lucifer's name. It made your skin crawl all over again from what he had said to you, all the insane allegations you wanted to believe were false. "This is how we do it."

"All right." Dean agreed with him, joining on in the conversation. "Where do we start?"

“Where are you two now?” Cas asked.

"Kansas City." You said. Cranking your neck over your shoulder, you see the room key was still sitting on the nightstand. You twisted yourself around in the bed, outstretching your free hand and snatched the key from the table to read the thick plastic tag to find your exact location. "Century Hotel, room one-thirteen."

"I'll be there immediately." Cas said not a second later.

"What? No, no, dude. No." Dean complained. He wandered over to the bed, grabbing the phone from your hand as you tossed the keys to the nightstand. "Y/N and I have been stuck in the car for the past sixteen hours together. We're still human. And there's stuff I'd liked to do. Eat, for example. And for this case, sleep." Cas agreed with the plan. You dropped yourself to the middle of the bed in a horizontal position and closed your eyes, letting the exhaustion you've been fighting off slowly take over your aching muscles. "Okay, so, you can pop in tomorrow morning."

"Yes. I'll just—" Cas tried to speak, but before he could finish his sentence, he heard the line from your end go dead. Dean tossed the phone to the edge of the bed as you rested the crook of your arm over your shoulder, deciding to spend fifteen minutes in this position before taking a much needed shower. You didn't realize you left the angel standing in the middle of the night at the edge of the empty highway, staring at his cell phone with confusion. When he realized you had hung up on him, he shut his phone and looked straight on, deciding this is how he would spend the next four hours. "Wait here, then."

+ + +

You must have fallen asleep for longer than you expected, because when you finally came back around, it felt like you had been out of it for years. Your back hurt from how you had been lying backside on the mattress and your arm had fallen asleep itself after you kept it in the awkward position it wasn't used to. With squinted eyes, you placed both hands on the mattress, feeling around the material, expecting it to be the soft cotton you had felt before. Instead your fingers brushed against something cold and almost like metal. Your eyes propped open when your finger accidentally slip into a hole, trapping it for a second before you roughly yanked it out, accidentally cutting the skin in the process. You examined your wound for a second before your eyes darted around at your motel room, and what new design you were given while you were sleeping.

Everything in your room like it was stripped bare and exposed to years of wear and tear. You shifted around in bed, only to see the mattress you had been sleeping on was long gone, leaving you on a very uncomfortable metal box spring. You pushed yourself to your feet and cautiously glanced around the room, noticing the paint had faded and chipped away, leaving nothing more than a dull color with shades of brown from mildew. The objects in the room weren't in better condition, everything was broken or tipped over, neglect for someone to take care of them was evident from the way it ended up. You swallowed as you turned around in your spot on the floor, now facing the window, you instantly noticed that you weren't alone. Someone was looking at the outside below with their back turned to you.

You were tempted for a second to open your mouth and speak, breaking the eerie silence that had surrounded the both of you. But before you could, you watched as the person turned around in their spot, facing you straight on. It took only a moment before you realized it was Dean, and from the look on his face, the two of you weren't in Kansas anymore.

+ + +

It seemed the both of you stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. You and Dean wandered around the motel after you managed to get the door unstuck. The first thing the both of you did was to see if anyone else was here. You checked every room on the floor, there wasn't a sign of human life beside the garbage they left to rot. You were completely alone, there wasn’t even a mouse that popped up after you disrupted its search for food. The both of you decided it was best if you figured out what was going on by walking out of the motel and to the empty streets below. The feeling of nervousness wouldn’t leave your mind when you made your way out into the wasteland what used to be Kansas City. You knew this wasn't right, but your mind couldn't explain what happened, or if you were still sleeping--maybe you were having a very vivid nightmare from all the stress you'd been putting on yourself.

The streets were empty. You couldn't see a sign of anyone, not a single soul to tell you what was going on. Dean kept your company as the both of you took to the deserted streets, warning you to stick close, knowing anything might just happen if you let your guard down. Junk littered the streets from abandoned cars to debris that once belonged to someone's daily life. Maybe this was the apocalypse everyone had warned you about. Everyone was dead, except for you and Dean for some reason. You pondered on the thought for a moment's time until the perfect silence was destroyed by the sounds of glass shattering. You and Dean quickly looked over at one another when you realized the noise had come from an alley not too far ahead from where the both of you were standing.

Dean was a bit hesitant to follow, you shrugged your shoulders, thinking it wouldn't at least hurt to try. You followed the noise with Dean hot on your trail, the both of you headed down an alleyway tagged with graffiti, much of it you just glanced over, not giving it much of your attention. You  wandered around until you turned the corner, that's when you spotted a little girl. Dean quickly grabbed ahold of your arm and lightly yanked you backwards when he spotted her for himself, seeming to wonder if she could be considered a threat. From the way she was crouched down on the ground with her head hanging low, you noticed she was filthy from her matted hair and dress stained from dirt. You thought she appeared to be wounded, so you did the right thing, you began to approach her to see if she was all right.

"Little girl?" You quietly called out to her, she didn’t move a single muscle. You started to make slow steps when you started to approach her when she wouldn't respond to you. When you spotted the glass near her feet, you wondered if she had accidentally dropped it while lurking through the trash for something to eat. "Little girl? Are you okay?"

You bent down so you were at her level, curious to see if she was able to speak and tell you what was going on. When you reached out a hand to place it on her shoulder, your eyes drifted down to see a drool of a wet mucus seep out from her mouth, plopping right onto the shards of glass. You furrowed your brow in concern when you noticed it was blood from the color, but your attention was quickly pulled back into reality when you heard a piercing scream. You flinched back your arm when you felt a stinging pain come across your skin after the little girl managed to make her move. You hissed out in pain, but before she could get you again, Dean quickly acted out on his instincts. He roughy grabbed a hold of you, yanking you out of harm's way before swinging in arm directly at the little girl, throwing away all morals of hurting someone younger.

You stumbled away when you watched as the girl get tossed safely into a pile of mattresses after being knocked unconscious from the blow. You inhaled a deep breath as Dean took a step away from her, slowly approaching you again after noticing there was no movement from her. You inhaled a breath and glanced down at your arm to inspect the damage of the cut, not knowing where the glass had been, you might have been prone to an infection. You and Dean mindlessly turned around in your spot to find a way out of here, as you looked up from your cut, you noticed that you had two options to exit. But your attention was focused on the eight letter word spray painted in crimson red.

"Croatoan." You whispered to yourself. The word didn't register in your mind for a few seconds, but you could tell there wasn't something quite right about it. As you glanced over at Dean to see if he might know why it looked so familiar, it was the look on his face that made you suddenly remember fearful memories you associated with it. "Oh, crap."

If you thought things couldn't have gotten any worse,  it did. Your eyes drifted away from the word when you noticed a shadowy figure dance across the brick wall. You wondered what it was for a moment, until it came across the corner, making your fears growing even more. You could feel your eyes widened when you saw group of people shuffling forward to the two of you. It started off as no more than three people, but the crowd began to grow even larger, their feet shuffling forward to you. At first you were confused at what was going on. Everyone looked dirty and almost dead in the eyes, there was no emotion, that was, until the man standing in the front of the crowd spotted you first, his eyes drifted over to Dean not a second later. When you noticed the speed was starting to grow into a sprint after they spotted two targets, you bolted out of there.

You ran fast as you could out of the alleyway and back into the isolated streets. Your legs moved quick as they could and you forced yourself to keep your attention directly in front of you. This wasn't going to play out like a horror movie where the damsel runs for her life from the infected crowd of monsters, only to fall flat on her face and be dragged away for a snack as they tear apart her body. Dean shook the terrifying thought out of your mind when he snatched your arm, yanking you to the right, hoping this could be a way to lose the group. As you took the chance to at least look at the wild group of animals that looked like human, you inhaled a deep breath and focused your gaze in front of you. But you could see the horror cliches were working out when you spotted the high wire fence, cornering you, giving you no chance to make another run for it.

You and Dean stopped dead in your tracks when you spotted a large metal fence, a dead end. You let out a frustrated breath as you began examining the fence, wondering if you could somehow jump it in time or find a rip in the wiring just big enough to squeeze yourselves through. But there was nothing. Much to your dismay, you turned around to face the crowd of people that had been following you for the few blocks now. There was too many people, you knew there wasn’t a chance in hell you could fight your way out of this. But it seemed there was somebody looking out for the both of you.

The sound of gunshots registered in your ears just a few seconds after you saw the man who was starting to make his way forward to you take about six bullets to the chest. You instantly dropped yourself to your knees, Dean followed suit, the both of you stumbling out of firing range as you crawled to find better coverage. You fell to the pavement when you heard the gunshots come dangerously close, Dean did what he thought was necessary, he quickly shielded your body with his, waiting for a break from the madness before it would be safe to move. Both of you stayed in the position for a few seconds, listening to the gunshots as everyone who laid in the path was shot down with no mercy. You suddenly found this situation become even worse when you heard music being blasted through a stereo, drowning out the gunshot sounds. You furrowed your brow, listening to the lyrics, someone thought it would have been funny to play "Do You Love Me" by the Contours. It sure didn't fit the mood, but someone had a sick sense of humor.

Dean glanced up to see there was another alley just a few feet from where the both of you were lying. He moved up just enough so you could begin crawling to safety, all while trying to keep yourself hidden in the debris that you tried using to keep yourself hidden. The two of you managed to avoid any detection as you found another fence with a decent size break in it big enough to make a getaway. You squeezed yourself through as you stumbled down the steps, Dean followed behind close as possible as the both of you kept yourselves hidden from the danger that lurked outside. You dropped yourself to the pavement and leaned against the wall, trying to catch your breath from the unexpected chaos that was brought upon you. You listened as the gunfire began to slowly quiet down, you glanced over at Dean, both of you shared the same baffled look, unsure of what you had been subjected to.

+ + +

You and Dean traveled through the town, avoiding the dead bodies that littered the streets and listening for anything that might pierce the silence that had been keeping you on edge. Dean managed to find another fence that seemed promising, he worked diligently on digging through the dirt to make the ripped fence bigger for the both of you to squeeze into. When he thought it was decent enough, he had you go first, crawling through the tight space before making his way though himself. You pushed yourself to your feet and dusted off the dirt from your jeans, mindlessly looking ahead, that's when you noticed a sign. You wandered forward to read it, hoping it would give you insight on what you had landed yourself into. "Crotaton Virus Hot Zone: No Entry By Order of Acting Regional Command August 1st 2014 Kansas City."

"August 1st, 2014." Dean's voice came from behind you, he read the sign for himself to see what was going on here. You read the information for yourself just one more time before looking over your shoulder, wondering if you had really landed yourself five years into the future. Dea shrugged his shoulders, seeming unsure of himself what to believe, it seemed he found something the both of you could use right now, an abandoned car not too far from where you stood. "Let's hope the poor son of a bitch left us a full tank of gas."

Both of you headed to the car, happy to see the owner was in an obvious rush to get out of here, because they left the doors unlocked, giving you easy access to the passenger side. Dean took no more than a few minutes to rip out a few wires and fuss around with them until he got the car started, with almost a full tank of gas. You and him got started on the road, driving out to the empty road to see if you could find any survivors out there. You reached out to fumble with the radio, Dean took out his cell phone, hoping to find service. All you gotten was static and Dean the warning of no service. You let out a frustrated sigh, flicking off the radio as Dean shoved his phone back into his pocket, making a remark about how this wasn't a good sign.

"'Croatoan pandemic reaches Australia.'"

You heard a voice break the silence, making you jump out of your skin as Dean flinched, not expecting for a familiar friend to pop through. You glanced over your shoulder as Dean looked into the rear view mirror to see Zachariah casually sitting in the backseat, his attention focused on the newspaper he was able to read in the darkness. "I thought I smelled your stink on this 'Back to the Future' crap." Dean said, dropping his eyes back to the open road.

"'President Palin defends bombing of Houston.' Certainly a buyer's market in real estate. Let's see what's happening in sports." Zachariah was all too casual for your personal liking, he continued flipping through the pages of the newspaper and skimmed through the articles, looking at all of the sections, as if he was searching for a particular one. "That's right--no more sports. Congress revoked the right to group assembly. What's left of congress, that is. Hardly a quorum, if you ask me."

"What the hell is going on?" You questioned him. "And how the hell did you find me?"

"Afraid we had to tap some unorthodox resources of late—human informants. We've been making inspirational visits to the fringier christian groups." Zachariah explained to you. You realized the man you had spoken to outside of the motel, the one who had been so truthfully sarcastic to, had put you in this situation. "They've been given your image along with Dean's, told to keep an eye out for you two lovebirds."

"The bible freak outside the motel," You said. "He ratted us out?"

"Onward, christian soldiers." Zachariah replied, closing up the newspaper.

"Okay, well, good. Great. You had your jolies." Dean said with a sarcastic tone. You looked over to see his grip around the steering wheel had turned dangerously tight, his knuckles slowly faded to a shade of white. "Now send us back, you son of a bitch.'

"Oh, you'll get back—all in good time. We want you two to marinate a bit." Zachariah explained to you. You narrowed your eyes on him, still unsure of what he was trying to accomplish here. "Three days. Three days to see where this course of actions takes the both of you. Your choices have consequences." Your eyes wandered down to the newspaper he was holding and read the headline. "This is what happens to the world if Dean continues to say no to Michael."

"Sarah Palin becomes president? Yeah, that is scary. And here people say Obama was ruining the world." You said, rolling your eyes in annoyance from the tricks he was trying to pull on you. "Are you going to tell me that Donald Trump is gonna run in 2016 and win, too?"

"Joke all you want, Y/N. Have a little look around before you make up your mind. I'm sure you won't like what you helped create." Zachariah warned you. "Have a look see. I'm sure the both of you will change your tune when these three days are up.”

You were about to look over your shoulder once more to give the angel a skeptical look, but when you searched the backseat, Zachariah was long gone. You found yourself sitting back in the passenger side seat and rolled your eyes, finding this situation all too frustrating. The both of you kept driving on the deserted road, hoping when you reached an old friend's house, he would still be there and could explain what was going on.

 + + +

When in doubt, go to Bobby's house. You and Dean arrived in South Dakota an hour after the sun rose, marking the first official day of whatever Zachariah was trying to prove. Bobby's place was usually in a messy state, but when you took notice, it seemed more out of place than it normally was. The both of you headed to the front door, knocking a few times, waiting to see if somebody would answer. But when nobody did, Dean took it upon himself to slowly open the door and peeked inside, hopeful to find Bobby hiding somewhere.

"Bobby? Bobby, it's me and Y/N! We’re coming in!" Dean called out as a precaution. He opened the door wider and began to take slow steps inside, you followed behind. The both of you began walking through the house, tracing your steps through the familiar setting, but with much different interior than you had remembered. Everything seemed to have been shoved around and more cluttered than you had last remembered it seeing. Papers were thrown across the floor and books laid all over, not to mention the faded wallpaper was torn off and frames were barely hanging on. You let out a heavy sigh and followed behind Dean, the two of you stumbled into the living room, where you found a sight that didn't leave a good feeling in the pit of your stomach. "Oh, no."

You moved forward into the room, your eyes drifting to the wheelchair Bobby used to get around. It laid abandoned on the floor, tilted to the side with its owner nowhere to be seen. You bent down and picked it by the handles, you shoved it upwards so the wheelchair was sitting up properly. In this position, you could see the years clearly in the ripped fabric and rusted metal. You ran your fingers down the armrests, wondering what the hell was going on. "Where is everybody, Bobby?"

You looked around the room to see that Dea had disappeared from your sight, drifting off to another part of the house. You pushed yourself to your feet and searched to see where the man had landed himself. It took a few tries but you found him in the library, his back was turned to you as he stood in front of the fireplace and took apart the secret hiding place where you kept John's journal when you didn't carry it on hunts. You wandered forward when he grabbed the journal and began flipping through the familiar pages, hoping to find a certain clue of what was going on, and when he found a photograph sticking out, it seemed that he had done just that.

You peered over his shoulder to see that he was holding a sepia toned photograph. You examined the faces to see it was a group of five men standing outside of a compound you'd never seen before. You glanced over to the right to see Bobby himself in the crowd, along with an all too familiar face, Cas. The angel seemed out of place, holding a gun amongst the group, and sharing the same casual attire, something completely different from what you were used to seeing. Dean's index finger pointed at something in the background, you didn't notice it at first until he directed your attention. You noticed it was a wooden sign with the words "Camp Chitaqua" carved into it. You glanced over at Dean, thinking you may have found your first clue to figuring out what really was going on.

+ + +

The best thing you could find with the word Chitaqua was a lake, and with a simple search of a map, you learned it wasn't too far from where Bobby lived. You and Dean headed over to see the lake also had a campsite with the same name, providing cabins to locals for a summer's resort. The both of you wandered through the darkness to try and find a way in, but one thing lead to another, you found yourself lurking in the woods alone. You shoved a tree branch out of the way and took a giant step forward, trying to make your way through. You managed to find an opening that lead directly to the sign you were looking for. You began heading forward after you noticed there was yet another fence keeping you out and a sign that looked confidental enough was only glanced over by you as you walked forward, wanting to take a look around for yourself.

You made it just a foot away from the fence until you spotted two men walking the grounds, probably keeping an eye out for people like you. You quickly hid yourself behind a bush, watching from the shadows as they kept on going, neither one of them seemed to be a threat as they kept a conversation, laughing at certain parts as you watched them head to a cabin way in the distance. You made your way to the fence and looked your fingers through the holes, your eyes drifted across the empty field, not seeming to notice much, that was, until you spotted a very familiar piece of your past. You leaned forward and squinted slightly, wondering if the junk car with its missing wheels and doors was the Impala itself.

You found the smallest beak in the metal fence, but it was enough to get you through and onto the compound. Quietly, you walked forward to the Impala to see your suspicions were right. The car laid with its front doors missing and all the wheels stripped away. You were rather shocked to see what time had done to the car which had shared so many memories for you. You bent down to examine the damage even further, only to see it was even worse. You let out a sigh and rubbed your hand on the steering wheel, the question yet again what was going on lingered in the back of your mind.

The sounds of footsteps crunching underneath the tall grass caught your attention. You looked over your shoulder to see there was somebody coming forward, giving you little time to find a hiding spot. As you were about to circle around the Impala and hide, you squinted your eyes to see in the dark, the shape of the face was a familiar one. You noticed it was Dean, he must have found a way inside and made the same discovery you had. You peeked your head out just enough to see if your suspicions were right. You quietly called out his name, deciding it wouldn't do harm to put yourself out in the open. When you stood next to the car, Dean's eyes wandered over to you, but his expression was all from what you were expecting.

Dean stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted you standing next to the Impala. His expression changed ever so slowly as his gaze lingered longer than it should have been. You watched as his brow tightened and his jaw slowly slack open, almost like you had appeared out of thin air. "Y/N?" Dean whispered your name, breaking the long pause of silence between the both of you. His voice sounded strange, it was quiet and soft, almost like he hadn't said your name in a long time. You gave him a look as you stepped forward to him, that move instantly broke him out of this trance. "Stay right where the hell you are. Is this some kind of messed up trick your boss thinks is funny? Well, I ain't laughing."

"Dean," You did what you were told, leaving a few feet of distance between the both of you. "What the hell are you talking about? Did you fall down and bump that stupid head of yours while we got separated? It's me, Y/N."

"Sure you are." Dean replied with a bitter tone. "I aint' falling for this again."

You gave him a look of confusion when you listened to the words coming out of his mouth. While you were about to ask him what had crawled up his ass, your eyes drifted down to his outfit, taking notice of the subtly different parts you didn't notice until now. The Dean standing in front of you was wearing a navy green jacket, something you hadn't seen before, not to mention the gun holster on his right thigh. You knew something was wrong here, but before you could declare your innocence from whatever accusation he thought you were holding against him, you felt a sharp pain against the side of your head.

Dean watched as your body dropped to the ground, landing safely on the wild grass that hadn't been taken care in the past four years he'd called this place a safe haven. He dropped himself to a crouch and loomed over your unconscious body, he let the moonlight reflect the features he hadn't seen in a long time. Reaching out a hand, he softly ran a finger across your skin and flicked a piece of hair that landed in your face. Dean examined you for what felt like a lifetime, his throat was starting to tighten up when he noticed you looked exactly how the day you left him, even with the mouth to match. As a smile began to creep across his lips, the rarest moment of happiness that he hadn't felt in five years was broken by the sounds of another pair of footsteps approaching from behind.

Pushing himself to his feet and drawing out his gun from the holster, Dean pointed the barrel directly at the stranger who dared creep up on him. Everyone in the camp knew curfew was at nightfall, and all of his men knew not to approach him without warning him first. Dean stared at the person with a dangerous glare, wondering if a croat had somehow snuck itself on the property. But the person staring at him was almost like looking at a mirror. It was him—a much younger him. The Dean standing across from him had his arms drawn out with a pretend look of panic, something he'd always liked to do just to give the look of surprise when monsters got the jump on him. Dean, the real him of this year, cautiously stared at the man, wondering what the freakin' hell was going on here before his double met the same demise as you.

#huntertales update #supernatural #reader insert #supernatural imagine #supernatural fanfic #supernatural reader insert #supernatural x reader #spn #spn imagine #spn fanfic #spn reader insert #spn x reader #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #sam winchester imagine #sam winchester x reader #sam x reader #the end #the end: part one

[arachcobra]

Naruto Episode 7, 8 and 9 Review

Enter the cowprint ninja and his boomerang blade of doom.

Review of Naruto Episode 7, 8 and 9: The Assassin of the Mist! The Oath of Pain! And Kakashi: Sharingan Warrior

ArachCobra

So we start out with our intrepid crew being rowed to the Land of Waves through the fog. We get some exposition about Gato, who's a very small colossal asshole and how he has broken the land. The Tazuna emotionally blackmails three teenagers and a grow man into risking their lives for him, despite the fact that they're only here because he lied in the first place. You're so sympathetic, Tazuna.

Yes, I know it's a joke. Doesn't make it funnier or any less dickish.

So then they arrive and start going through the forest, with Naruto scowling at Sasuke all the way, thinking about how cool he is and how he'll prove himself better. At this point, he's moments away from pulling his dick out and yelling: “LET'S MEASURE THEM!”

So then to prove how badass he is, Naruto runs ahead and stars attacking random shrubbery, just to prove how on guard he is.

You see, Naruto isn't very smart.

Then he almost murders a rabbit. He's so apologetic that he starts rubbing the rabbit all over himself. It's weird.

Then Kakashi realizes that the rabbit is white and must have been saved from winter to be used for substitution. Which raises some questions. Like, does ninjas have to prepare materials for substitution? If yes, does that mean Kakashi has a stack of logs somewhere? And if no, why would anyone bring a rabbit when there's probably a thousand less suspicious objects in a forest?

Then Zabuza throws his sword at them like a Frisbee. I have no idea how he manages, but it looks stupid. It slices into a tree and he just materializes on top of it so he can look all dramatic.

Now, before I continue, I actually do like Zabuza. I like his second outfit better than the cow-print and I do think his intro is silly. But as a villain, I like him. Unfortunately, Zabuza is a severe victim of being off-model these episodes. At one point, his torso is stretched, in another his pants have been pulled up to his nipples and in one shot, it looks like he broke his neck just so he could glare at our protagonists from under his armpit.

Anyway, Naruto takes one look at this guy who's build like four brick outhouses stacked together and made from pure muscle, wielding a sword that's bigger than he is and just goes: “Yeah, I can take him.”

You see, Naruto is a bit of an idiot.

Kakashi has to point out that no, he can't take Zabuza on and reveals his right eye. We are informed that its a sharingan. It apparently allows you to see very well. So the fighting begin and fog envelops the area.

Now, we're informed that Zabuza is the master of the silent kill technique. So of course, he start yapping about all the ways you can kill a man. The tension of it all gets to Sasuke, who's having a surprising moment of vulnerability. That ends with him wanting to kill himself. Yeah, maybe that's a tad bit too vulnerable. Anyway, it's okay, Kakashi comforts him.

Then Zabuza gets ready to kill them all.

But then Kakashi appears and kills Zabuza.

But it was just a water clone and Zabuza appears and kills Kakashi.

But it was just a water clone and Kakashi appears and stops Zabuza.

But it was just a water clone and Zabuza appears and kicks Kakashi in the stomach.

Then things get a little weird. I think what happens is that Kakashi, while being kicked in the lake, drops some caltrops. Zabuza then stops in front of them and spends some time talking about how Kakashi thought he could delay him with the caltrops, thus being delayed by the caltrops by talking about how the caltrops aren't delaying him. Then he backflips into the lake and catches Kakashi, who's spend all this time floating like a rubber duck, in a bubble.

Then he summons another water clone to attack the crew, which it does with gusto. Naruto tries to flee, but then sees his own bandaged hand and remember he swore to never give in, never surrender. And therefore, he has to fight the musclebound blademaster goliath that is Zabuza.

Point actually goes to Sasuke here. He also realizes they have to fight. But his reason is much smarter. That without Kakashi, Zabuza will just hunt them down and then kill them.

Sakura yells warning and occasionally she and Tazuna groans like they decided to spend their off-screen time vigorously banging each other.

Anyway, Naruto charges Zabuza and then gets the shit kicked out of him. But he got his headband back, so it's all cool.

Then he and Sasuke performs this actually pretty clever strategy. Naruto jumps him with some clones of his own, transforms into a giant shuriken, passes it to Sasuke, who throws both it and his own big shuriken(Not sure when he got one of those, but whatever), forcing Zabuza to catch one and jump over the other, only for Naruto to transform back and throw a kunai, so Zabuza has to let go of the prison and let Kakashi go free to avoid getting an impromptu lobotomy.

As I said, this is actually a very clever strategy that, for the most part, utilizes the skills we've seen and gives a believable way that the characters can outmatch Zabuza, without negating everything we know about Zabuza.

But here's the problem.

This entire combo relies on Naruto and Sasuke being so in sync that they can concoct and perform such a strategy without communicating.

Bull.

Fucking.

Shit.

Those two have shown nothing but scorn for each other so far. The most teamwork we've seen was in the bells test. There's no way they've fought enough together to be able to pull that off. And don't tell me their rivalry allows them this insight. They've barely interacted with each other. Maybe if they had fought with each other for years, I could buy it, but here, no way.

Anyway, Kakashi gets free and him and Zabuza attack each other simultaneously by spending half a minute chanting and then summoning water dragons to bite each other.

I'm unsure how that technique would be useful in battle, but okay.

Then they clash in melee. You'd expect this to be a tense battle where Kakashi would have to use all his acrobatic skills to avoid Zabuza's superior reach and power.

Instead, Kakashi blocks Zabuza's blade with his own dinky kunai and then they stand there pressing against each other while grunting. It's kinda lame to be honest.

Kakashi then wages a campaign of psychological terror against Zabuza and overwhelms him, smashing him through the forest with a water spout. It's actually pretty cool. But just as he's about to finish the swordsman off, he gets needled in the throat. The swordsman, that is.

A masked ninja shows up and says he's been hunting Zabuza for going rogue.

And then Naruto gets super pissed that someone that young could be that much more powerful and skilled than him, yelling about why are they there and that they don't know anything. Rarely is Naruto this much on point.

And then Kakashi faints.

All in all, an enjoyable battle with some issues. Sakura feels completely superfluous, but I suppose somebody did have to guard Tazuna, just in case.

Givenea

Let’s just start at the beginning of episode 7, shall we. The gang is in a boat on the final stretch of the journey to the Land of Waves, and Tazuna finally comes clean about everything, from his reason for lying about the assignment to just how much danger they will be in. This is where Kakashi actually sounds like the leader of the inexperienced team he has, as he contemplates if they can handle it.

BUT FORGET ABOUT THAT, before anything can come of this, can even be properly discussed, Tazuna guilts them into continuing by saying his family will be sad if he dies. Then he turns to the camera, holds up two fingers, sends us the most shit-eating grin and proclaims “I win” in an almost singsong voice.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS ASSHOLE???!!!

Anyway… once ashore, they run into the terrifying rogue-ninja Zabuza Momoji, who traps Kakashi in a bubble, forcing Naruto and Sasuke to enact a daring and complicated plan to save him, while Sakura… does her job and protects their client???

Okay, I’m just gonna put this here… SAKURA NEEDS TO BE UTILIZED MORE! SHE NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO!

Anyway, Naruto’s plan involves him attacking Zabuza, then making a bunch of clones and attacking again, to disguise that he has turned into a giant shuriken, which one of his clone tosses to Sasuke, who pairs it with his own giant shuriken (PS. He has one of those) and tosses both at Zabuza who catches one and jumps over the other. But uh-oh, the second shuriken was Naruto, who now transform back and throws a kunai at Zabuza’s face, forcing him to let go of the bubbled Kakashi, who breaks free.

Naruto then explain that the purpose of the plan was always to free Kakashi and that he only had to toss the Naruto-shuriken at Sasuke for him to be completely in on everything.

Sakura then declares Naruto and Sasuke the perfect team.

And… I don’t buy it… Nope… Not even for a second… Na-ah…

Naruto and Sasuke has up to this point never communicated really. Naruto has whined that Sasuke is too cool for him to keep up with and thrown a few insults. Sasuke has ignored Naruto, aside from a few times where he has mocked him.

So, I don’t believe, not even the tiniest little bit, that they are capable of this level of understanding and teamwork.

This scene comes too early for that. If this was the season finale and we had seen them train and grow and learn together for some 20 episodes, seen them develop a begrudging respect, as they fought together and got used to each other’s different strategies and fighting styles, then sure.

Here… It’s just stupid, go back to square one and try again.

Fluttersniper13

There was the boatman who said he couldn't take them all the way, but he clearly almost did and then the forest of boredom, and then Zabuza show up with his boomerang blade of doom. And his amazing silent kill technique of never shutting the fuck up and taking way too fucking long to do anything. Sakura is useless, Naruto is useless, Sasuke is useless. Tazuna just stand their gormless and Kakashi look like he wants to be anywhere but here. Then dragons out of nowhere, tsunami and needle to the throat. Naruto says some stupid shit and Kakashi decides to take a nap. The end.

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125294/6/Naruto-Rewrite-1-Road-to-Ninja

#naruto #naruto rewrite #review