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#like outside of that context it wasnt really For that anyway lol i just had it on the mind while i was looking thru stuff 🤪 idk lmao

dyketubbo · 1 year

Note

Hey I'd like to say this, Charlie has never explicitly said he is uncomfortable with the shipping/sexual fan works. (Only that his GF Grace doesn't really like them) Charlie heavily encourages shipping in the JRWI podcast, and has canonically had sex in said podcast with an npc- he isn't new to all this stuff lol he just never seen the insane amount of fan work coming from this SMP. Let's not make assumptions until Charlie himself explicitly says something about it.

basing what i say here off of this clip: https://clips.twitch.tv/AlluringKindBoarCeilingCat-qGlXgOmqD3s1JiH5

1. i dont know how to tell you that even when its "just" charlies girlfriend who has been stated to be actively uncomfortable you should still care because shes a human person and yes even her opinion matters here. because you should care about other people

2. charlie did not explicitly say "i am uncomfortable and people should stop making slimeriana porn" no but he does call the porn the weirdest fanart thats been made of him (and he doesnt say Of His Characters, he says Of Him. i wont say that this suddenly means the qsmp characters arent characters, they are, but i feel that makes it clear that this is different from jwri. which should have been obvious anyways?)

3. going off of 2, while weird is often used as a positive thing on tumblr, i certainly hope that you interact with people in the real world enough to know that charlie doesnt necessarily mean it positively here (especially made clear by how mariana mentions that he likes it, which.. clearly means he got the impression that charlie Doesnt)

4. the most i will admit here is that yes it wasnt an explicit boundary and i misspoke there. however i still think that people should be more considerate about the content that they make. grace is uncomfortable and charlie doesnt seem very comfortable himself based off basic use of context clues. from what i can tell i think one of his mods is going to ask for clarification so hopefully we can get a clarification but as far as what we have goes yeah i am fully within my right to say what I Feel is the correct course of action based off what has been said so far. thats not speaking for charlie thats just saying what i think. good day i hope debating about the morals of minecraft porn with some 17yr old on the internet was better than like idk going outside and feeling the sun on your face

#angel answers #rubs my temples. mcytblr learn the difference between speaking for ccs and just saying your own feelings on a matter #im going to go on a walk fr when i get home #or maybe ill just like draw on the porch outside. i need enrichment i need to roll around in the grass #instead of thinking about fucking. whether charlie slimecicle is okay with people drawing his minecraft skin having sex 😭😭

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cainightfics · 2 years

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what countries have you visited? which countries would you like to visit and why?

thanks for the ask! this is an interesting question lol

so basically ive been poor pretty much my whole life, and ive only ever been able to travel when part of it was funded by an outside source. so far, ive been to america, mexico, and a few different countries in europe. ill give you a #hashtag storytime about the europe trip tho.

ok so. in 2017 i was sent by my school district, along with a couple of other kids (i was in highschool at the time) to attend the 100 year anniversary of the battle of vimy ridge in france. if you don't know your WW1 history, basically this battle was a massive fight between the canadian army and the german army over this big hill in france called vimy ridge, which the german army had captured. the battle is considered a big deal in WW1 military history because the canadian army did some crazy tactical stuff to beat the germans and return the area to the french. this is what the ridge looks like (this isnt important lol its just for context):

anyways. so out of like thousands of applicants, me and a couple of other kids were selected to represent canada at this big 100 year memorial ceremony. flights, hotels, food stipend all paid for. i got picked because my french was pretty good (we're required to do 10 years of french class in canadian public school), and because i also knew some german.

so we get to france and go to the ceremony. it was a pretty big deal, i shook hands with prime minister trudeau, met prince harry, etc. i don't really care about any of that and if you ask me the royal family should be abolished and/or guillotined but whatever. in fact i did not care about literally any of this because when i signed up to go in the first place, i had any one goal in mind: to go to as many european countries as i could using the travel stipend the government gave me.

the ceremony ends and most of the schools im with are planning on heading back to canada the next morning. NOT ME LOL. i was a teenager with a passport and i had big plans. i had 500 euros, a eurail pass, and a dream.

over the next week or so, i (and two other people with me who i didnt really know) basically rode the trains/busses around central europe. we went to the netherlands, all around france, denmark, and germany. i stayed up for 72 hours straight at one point because i was so determined to experience as much as possible. this answer is already getting super long so ill just tell you some highlights of this trip:

at a burger king in munich i got scammed by a guy named salvatore who pretended to be a security guard and demanded a 2 euro "tip" for opening the door. salvatore if youre out there i havent forgotten and you WILL be dealt with if i ever see you again

i milked a cow at a dairy farm outside brussels. in exchange, the farm owners gave me a huge block of cheese. on the flight back to canada, i was told my cheese would be confiscated at the airport, because it wasnt in a checked bag. but i was like "well wtf im not just throwing out this wheel of cheese" so i ate the WHOLE THING in the last hour of the flight. it was at least three pounds of aged cheddar. id never felt so sick before

i had the best ramen of my life in an alleyway in paris. i have no idea if this was even a legit restaurant (it was literally just an alleyway and some guy cooking on a bunch of hotplates) but for some reason i ate there anyway. idk if i was tripping from lack of sleep at this point or what but the taste was literally heavenly

i managed to get into a techno club in frankfurt and then also talked my way into hanging out in the DJ booth for a good part of the night. heres a pic (i blocked out ppls faces for privacy, im the short dark haired one on the left):

anyways, that was teenage me's trip to europe. i had 500 euros to get me through a week and somehow managed to only spend 150 because i slept on the train, showered at public pools and rec centres, and ate nothing besides coffee and street food.

the last trip i went on was to las vegas in 2019, where i ended up joining this half naked furry stripper (?) in his street routine. we did some sort of dom/sub situation where i pretended to throw him around, choke him out, laugh at him while he pole danced, and force him to be my human chair. i made $50 in 2 minutes in tips from the crowd doing this btw and i was wearing like a hoodie and jeans just walking back to my hotel from dinner lmfao. idek i always just end up getting into these fucking random situations whenever i go anywhere lmfao 🤣🤣 i have whatever the opposite of social anxiety is

ANYWAYS enough of my stories.... as for where i would LIKE to travel?? hmm... probably asia? id like to see the chinese countryside, singapore, japan, korea, vietnam, thailand, etc. i do face this sort of ethical dilemma tho where a lot of travel that westerners do seems very exploitative and sort of like neo-imperialism, you know? plus with covid and climate change idk how i feel about international flights at the moment. but in an ideal world, id definitely like to check out asia

thanks again for the ask!

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dezemberzwolf · 7 days

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Ff14 for 3 and 5, and zenos with 6 and 8

fandom ask meme!! ask me.... memes >:3

thamk u ilu....

3. which scene I would like to erase from the universe and why.

it technically was erased from the universe via retcon but every time someone mentions to me about the original moenbryda minion desc. that implied urianger was creepy towards her it makes me want to bite the writer again. also yknow what?? the lancer quest where foulques dies. my boy deserves to live so many other random ass shitty npcs get to live. like ok foulques was a dick but like he was a dick because every he knows decided to be racist at him and he HAD a POINT. like maybe some people deserved a stabbing. and yet 'known canon rapist npc ungust' gets to live? im sure theres 800 other things ill think of later bc its not as if the game is free of weird narrative choices, but ill be real. most of the time theres something where im like "this shouldnt Exist" i just vaporize and rewrite it in my mind LMAO. hear me out about werlyt

5. the scene from it that lives in my head rent free.

everything urianger has ever said in his entire life and also 90% of shadowbringers. its really good. for no particular character reason i think a whole lot about when you and the scions go to storm eulmore and u walk in on vauthry and ryne immediately screams 'no, make him stop' bc hes eating a pile of meol and i know. i know. in my heart. that if it wasnt gonna be too heavy gore and a bunch of graphics, the story intended that to be read as him ripping into and eating that lion sin eater that always sat in that exact spot. i know in my heart they ran in on him mid transformation eating a lion raw with his hands. i know this. shadowbringers is normal and fine for everyone involved.

also yknow in endwalker after [6.0 SPOILERS BEGIN] meteion reveals thancred is dead, urianger speaks and she immediately turns to him and goes 'youre full of loathing and dont even know why you still exist here'. that fucks me up every day. do you know how much has to happen for urianger, whose entire motivations this entire time is that he loves people so so much, to Actively Loathe you. to Hate a scared child. and he hates her because she killed thancred. and he doesnt know why its never him who gets to be the one sacrificed. im fine thats fine [END 6.0 SPOILERS]

6. the scene that I think shows just how awesome they really are.

The final fight with him here he speaks to the wol "not as a hero, but as an adventurer", and asks if your journey was a blessing or a curse. I like zenos because he is very much an exact foil for Laurel and that scene just shows that. hes aware of how close they are, and he cares.. he wants to know if someone 'like him', as the wol is, ever actually had a chance to live a life that could be enjoyable. he's trying to connect this entire time the only way he can understand you... i get if people dislike zenos. tbh im like, zenos agnostic outside of the context of him and the wol LOL but. i think at the end hes able to show that he really truly did connect with the wol. he managed to make a bond and some kind of understanding.

at least, with a wol like laurel.... with my other WoLs its like "YOU DONT GET SHIT GO AWAY!!!!!!" poor zenos. anyways him calling you an adventurer instead of a hero at the very end is neat. he cares about you he wants to understand very badly. he loves laurel hes her princess ok in this zenoswol laurel essay i will,

8. a headcanon I have about this character.

theres so much horny zenos fanart and i respect this i understand where it comes from but im also like. this man does not practically know what sex is and cannot flirt. he has only the hunt. if he fucks he does it almost by accident and it started as a fistfight or he has to be instructed into it. he has never seen pussy before. the wols gotta give him a diagram bc he understands concept but not execution. hes got other priorities.

also in In From The Cold when he possesses the wol the actual first thing he does is fall flat on his face because the center of gravity is way too different and hes not used to walking. and laurel specifically is lightly digitigrade and trekking around the snow in stiletto heels zenos gets into her body stand dramatically and then immediately eats shit because what the fuck how are you standing up like this.

#buzzings #im holding you in my arms

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galaxy-of-me · 3 years

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a response to waywardfacegarden’s response bc ily why did you write so much

note: i forgot to post this i’m clowning so hard rn anyway i made a separate post bc long but uh enjoy

@waywardfacegarden

OH MY GOD YOURE AMAZING YOU LITERALLY WROTE AN ESSAY ANBDABSHSHASAKKQ. never apologize for writing something so in-depth and passionate!! i really loved hearing your take on it all and like wow there were a lot of good points.

(also sorry if i get any of this wrong it’s been a hot minute since i read the manga lol)

uh but basically when i first read the last few chapters i was literally so shocked like NSJSJSAJSSM I REALLY WASNT EXPECTING ANY ACTUAL LGBT+ RELATIONSHIPS FROM THIS SHONEN JUMP MANGA BUT NO. they de👏🏻li👏🏻vered👏🏻. i was one of those people who thought the ending was kinda rushed but i think part of the reason for that was because i literally zoomed through the last chapter when i heard about the taichi/touma endgame LMAO. but also i felt like the transition was just very sudden. i’m generally pretty neutral towards timeskips because, while realistically the most important events in your life do not all happen in one year, story-wise it leaves a lot unsaid and often feels like an excuse for when the author doesn’t really know how to transition one event to the other smoothly. (this is not the case with all time-skips but it does often happen when a story is rushed to a sudden conclusion.)

i do agree that taichi and futaba breaking up was realistic! okay, but when i read “i broke up with futaba” i was actually shocked, haha. i was just thinking “what? they were doing so well though??”. but after a while i kinda just accepted it. i mean, that’s what happens. you aren’t always going to end up spending the rest of your life with your high school sweetheart and that doesn’t mean that something horrible happened between the two of you. break ups happen for a lot of different reasons. maybe it just isn’t the right time or you’re just heading in different directions.

one of the core aspects of the story for me was platonic vs. romantic love and how a lot of characters outside the main trio would push the idea of romantic love being more important than platonic love on taichi and how he felt he had to choose to either keep his best friend or his crush. it felt kinda contradictory for the story to go “lmao well you see the solution is to just marry your best friend” lol. when put under the context of what you saw as the main theme though (as in make decisions that will make you happy in the moment) the ending makes a lot more sense.

i think the contradiction of this theme i had set for the story (which had made me so invested in it) was what tipped me off about the ending for the most part. there is also the fact that the story spent so long on convincing the audience that taichi did not reciprocate touma’s feelings. many of the major conflicts in the later half of the story rooted from touma’s one-sided love. even though taichi did love touma very much, he still could not just lie to him to make him feel better. that’s just not the type of person he was or is. (okay, but taichi totally had a crush on him when they were kids though i will not even try to argue with that LMAOAOAO.) some romantic development between the two would have been nice, like literally just three panels of taichi slowly becoming more fond of touma would have been enough lol. i do understand that it was probably difficult as hell to even have a taitouma endgame (i mean touma’s face wasn’t even shown for the entirety of the last chapter like mm censorship is fun). the fact that they were even allowed to show taichi and touma being married is so. significant. thank you, wow. but i am still allowed to give “what if”s and such.

overall, i think i had my expectations for ao no flag way too low while reading it which is why the ending caught me off guard. if i re-read it today i think i’d be able to appreciate it a lot more but the stuff i wrote above is pretty much the thought process i had directly after reading the ending lol.

(btw you can call me galaxy/hayes/lila/audrey or like all of the above lmao!! i don’t really have a preference :0)

((also is there a name i can call you bc i’ve literally just been referring to you in my head as “KDJSJSJS NICE MUTUAL WHO IS NICE” or “sasunaru pfp” or “waywardfacegarden”, hahA.))

#original posts #ao no flag #taitouma #this is not NEARLY as long as your post but I just kinda wrote about what I remembered lmao

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piduai · 3 years

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this is delusional but i need to speak my truth😩. koito straight up might’ve gotten the Woman Treatment. like he ended up with that genre of of writing some men do for all their female characters. the whole responsibility of “fixing” The Sad Tortured Grown Man and how tsurumi; a man hes infatuated with and he is manipulated by (if i can be a bit reductive lol), take up most of his arc. i was about to say that at least he doesnt have the baby thing all adult gk women get but id be wrong since there actually was a reoccurring baby. wack. anyway this concept Would be very funny if koito wasnt a good character. so funny that when i first noticed it i thought it was on purpose bc it became so oddly predictable? and i was really interested in where it would go but so far it just follows the ‘man writes woman cringely But koitos face is glued onto it’ route unironically just dead serious. but im still waiting for the punchline. i know its somewhere in there💕

also thank you for speaking out against koito in tsurumistache. finally somebody said something ily so much i thought i was the only one❤️

female-coded koito CONFIRMETH but i kinda get where you're coming from, i also thought before in the context of ktsk that if koito was a woman everyone would immediately catch on how rancid this ship is, but because they're gay babies it's all dandy 💕

i don't necessarily agree that koito has cringe writing (noda reserved that for his actual two and a half female characters) but sometimes yeah it's... frustrating. some things just lead nowhere, and he's teased, and teased, and has been teased for so long, but nothing changed really. i want to believe that noda is swinging koito like a pendulum because he's going to turn out a very big shot for the story so he's building anticipation and this frustration will eventually pay off, but i do recognize that it may be just my love for koito speaking and there's no actual trace of that in the story and there's a chance he will stay like this until the end. koito is not exactly comparable to the female characters because he's not one after all, he has a personality and he's actually been developed, but you and i do agree that he keeps being reduced to the two men in his life. and while tsurumi being central to his character makes sense (he was to usami's too, but usami funnily had relationships outside of him which were based. usami.), but clitface has been dragging him down like an anchor for a looong time, nothing will convince me he's not a hindrance on koito's character both in canon and in the fandom lol.

that is an interesting point, though, and i could see it being a thing actually. tanigaki is written like a run of the mill fanservice girl too except his boobs are hairy so maybe you're right. as characters both of them are kinda messy, if compared to the stronger, more clean-cut ones (tsurumi, ogata, sugimoto, asirpa, clitface) but as i said i hope that koito is simply a work in progress and that he'll get his piece of cake and eat it. there's been too much foreshadowing for him to remain stagnant, he'll have to decide on a direction sooner than later, which direction though... we'll see.

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wickymicky · 4 years

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i got tagged by @chuukitten like a month ago lmao oops

rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people (im too lazy lol im sorry i just like to talk about myself so thats what im gonna do HAHA)

im gonna put this under a read more cause it got long

1. nickname: my bf calls me cube

2. zodiac: i dont do zodiac shit lol sorry

3. height: i dont actually know, im bad with remembering things like that

4. hogwarts house: the “fuck jk rowling” house (okay fine im hufflepuff)

5. last thing i googled: farmersonly… dont worry about it

6. favorite musicians: i mean yall know my kpop ones haha… loona, dreamcatcher, fromis 9, pentagon, exid, red velvet, twice, eyedi, weki meki, etc……. outside of kpop oh man where do i begin… its tough cause ive basically only listened to kpop in 2019 but okay so i’d say the band idles, death grips, grimes, streetlight manifesto, huh idk i have a lot that i like but i dont know who else i would consider my “favorites” at the moment

7. song stuck in my head: right now its pirate king by ateez

8. following: 1800 lol

9. followers: on this blog 264, but 724 on my main

10. do you get asks: occasionally

11. amount of sleep: i should sleep way, way more than i do

12. what are you wearing: pajamas

13. dream job: hmmm. i mean i dont dream of working, i dont have a dream “job”, but if the question is about my dream “thing i wanna do a lot of in my life” then i guess my answer is… idk… something where i can just engage in whatever is interesting to me at the moment. like in the vein of my tumblr blogs where i can just post and talk about stuff im interested in. idk if that means being a youtuber or journalist or just someone who does something else and engages in my interests as a hobby, but yeah. or something to do with linguistics of course. though like i dont wanna be a teacher and thats basically the only path lmao (that i would even consider, anyway)

14. dream trip: you know i dont actually have a lot of interest in travel. idk, it stresses me out. i cant think about going places without worrying about how i’ll get around, what i’ll be doing, what i’ll be able to eat since i have a lot of food anxieties… idk. if someone i love wanted to go on a trip with me i’d probably be down, but i dont really know on my own.

15. instruments: i wish i could do music lol

16. languages: are amazing and i love them. okay fine lol i only speak english, but i took german in middle and high school, i took latin in high school as well, then took latin and ancient greek in college, and then after college i did a lot of looking into hungarian, vietnamese, a little bit of indonesian, turkish, and polish, and then recently i’ve been pretty focused on korean for obvious reasons. i speak none of those languages tho, lol. if i heard someone speaking some of those i could get the gist of what types of things theyre talking about most likely, but honestly my whole thing with languages is that im more interested in learning about the intricacies of how languages work and especially how they change over time than i am in actually learning the language. i’d love if my dumb adhd brain allowed me to focus hard enough and really commit to becoming fluent in a second language because so far i’ve only steadily approached being barely conversational, i’ve never actually reached even that point yet lol. and being only fluent in english makes me feel like a stupid american lol. i pick up bits of language really easily, but the rigor of learning ALL the vocab and ALL the little details you need to become actually fluent is where i fall off.

like whenever i go through an anime phase, i pick up lots and lots of japanese. like if they keep using a word i’ll see it in the subtitles and figure that it must mean that, and then i’ll pay attention to the endings they use and how they inflect it and i’ll make little inferences about what those signify, so then when i hear a word that i dont recognize but it has a grammatical ending that i know, i can infer the meaning of the word from context, and im going through this same learning process with korean now and it’s super super fun and i’m loving how much progress ive made (though i could have been making progress like three times as fast if i was actually taking a korean class)… but the actual work of learning common phrases, learning the sheer volume of vocab, all that stuff… yeah that’s where i fall off. so idk how fluent i’ll get in korean, but i’m down to find out, lol. maybe this is the one i’ll really try to focus on and achieve it with!

17. 10 favorite songs as of now: of all time????? um okay i cant possibly do that without spending a looong time thinking about it, so i’ll just do the first ten songs that come to my mind when i think of songs that i adore more than most others

keep the streets empty for me by fever ray

colossus by idles

watch it crash by streetlight manifesto

lucky girl by fazerdaze

realiti (demo) by grimes

egoist by loona (olivia hye)

picky picky by weki meki

mother by idles

peekaboo by red velvet

hi high by loona

18. if you were an animal: red panda maybe haha

19. favorite food: pizza cause im a garbage trash person

20. random fact: idk... if yall couldnt tell and didnt already know this, i’m a linguist haha. i went to school for linguistics, i majored in linguistics and classics (latin, ancient greek, etc) though honestly i was only into the languages, roman and greek history is cool and all but not really what i’m most into. majoring in classics was a mistake lol but oh well. i didnt end up graduating though because of unrelated reasons.... adhd, depression, just a general sense that the way the whole system works just wasnt made for me and it didnt click with me and ive never been good at forcing myself to be good at school... and like i was tired of hearing from professors that i have “a very organized mind when it comes to linguistics stuff” (something a greek professor said that meant a lot to me) or that i “understand how language works better than most other students my age” and that im a natural and that its impressive how nuanced my understanding of these concepts is.... while also failing or almost failing all of the classes whose professors said that about me. like basically all those statements were followed by a “, but” or a “, so if you just-”.... sigh. so i guess i’m not “actually” a linguist. whatever “actually” means there.

so other random fact i guess, which is still related but anyway... i have a conlang! that’s a constructed language. ive been working on a language for like 6 or 7 years. its at a state right now where it’s not really something i can just like... speak? it was at one point, maybe. but basically what i like to do is try out various ideas i have about language and phonology and morphology, so my language is kind of like a sandbox lol. if youre a scientist you conduct experiments, if youre a linguist i think you should try making a conlang. its not a common hobby but its something i spend an unconscionable amount of time thinking about lol. like basically 24/7. i’m almost always thinking about my word for x thing im seeing or thinking about, or like some sound change i heard that some language had, and how that would sound if applied to the words in my language...

like the reason my language isnt at a point right now where i can speak it is because getting into korean has made me think about massively reconfiguring how the grammar works. its always been kinda like latin and german, cause those are what i was taking when i started, and then it got kinda like ancient greek, so the grammar has/had a lot of complicated conjugations that are just honestly so superfluous... its such a mess lol... i have a much better understanding of how those systems come about in language now, so even if i remake my language to have verb conjugations like latin or greek, it’d be a much more coherent and natural system than the one thats existed in my language for years... but after learning about hungarian and korean in particular, i really wanna try making it a lot more logical like those languages are. but my big thing is phonology (speech sounds), so i just get hung up on sound changes and cool new consonants and vowels to add, so i keep putting off actually fixing my language lol. also ive become attached to my awful, amateurish words haha. im so bad at this... a real conlanger like tolkien or the dude who made the languages for game of thrones would look at mine and scoff haha. most of my words are just straight up stolen from words in latin, german, many others, but predominantly... english. i just mangle english words and call it my own lol, and ive been trying to replace those words with original ones that i made up arbitrarily... like my word for nose is just “nass” and my word for dog is “handir” which is just based on english “hound” and german “Hund” and stuff lol. i wanna change those

21. my aesthetic: if you actually read this long ass post, you know that my aesthetic is just “too much information” but not in a sexy way or even an interesting way

#personal #kitty #long post #writing #idk i should have a tag for stuff people tagged me in #tagged

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happycakestories · 5 years

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old mx fic dump pt. 3

a very self-serving highly gratuitous twins au -- unrealistic but very fun in the moment - cowritten with @deardystopia

God, why couldn’t he have just suffocated? He needs to work on that - for next time hopefully. (If there even is a next time, the pessimist within him groans loudly).

First Chapter : Hotter than hell

Literature class never felt so slow to Jackson as it does today, he decides, grumbling and writing notes in his chicken scratch handwriting of what the professor is saying. None of it is helping to make the minutes pass faster. Nor is sending playful and stupid messages to his best friend, typing fast on the phone screen hidden behind a tall student sitting disinterested in the row in front of him. Okay no, it helps just a bit, but reading Tolstoy also feels like being punched in the gut over and over.

Usually they would be together whispering and chattering like two old grandmas for the entire lecture, but Jooheon didn’t arrive today on time. When he showed up as the class was starting, he literally looked so lost and confused like he had just gotten out of bed, but it wasn’t surprising as this was the first class of the day. He was sporting messy dark chocolate curls, a bordeaux adidas hoodie and a pair of black sweat pants that probably were the first things he fished off of his room’s messy floor – he was the messiest person, really – to get dressed fast, and by the time he had gotten there, almost no seats were left. Jackson couldn’t have kept the reserved spot any longer as more sleepy students were already dragging themselves into the various rows of seats in class, occupying everything too fast.

Also, Jackson would have been late as well if it wasn’t for his noisy roommates returning to the dorm at 6 am in the morning - God knows what they were on about - and let’s not even talk about the constant pressure he felt being the New Exchange StudentTM. He moved to study in Korea one and a half months before, to start sophomore year in Seoul thanks to an international exchange program hosted by the college. He must also admit that if it hadn’t been for Jooheon’s bright smile, incredible charisma and that charming pair of deep-set dimples that made him the most adorable human to ever exist, he would have felt completely alone. Some people weren’t so welcoming at the time they found out he was a Chinese exchange student, even if prejudices were based on old history for some communities, it was hard to let things go, but with Jooheon all that was needed to get to know each other was a simple smile during the first day of the class they were now always attending together.

Uh, usually you don’t think something like that about your best friend… But nobody could resist Jooheon’s smile in any way and Jackson was definitely pining over him since they met, always dreaming of being able to touch and caress those dark chocolate curls of his and kiss those pink plush lips. They probably would have tasted just as sweet.

Anyway, today’s messages’ topic was: What happens when you get ‘scared half to death’ twice?

Last night Jooheon’s brother insisted on entering one of those terrible and scary houses… Because, why not? He said everything would be fine and that those ‘monsters’ were just people working and doing their job, so there was nothing to be worried about, right?

Jooheon wasn’t entirely convinced as he was telling Jackson, all his friends knew that he gets scared easily and maybe it’s one of the reasons they enjoy frightening him at all times – his reactions are the best really -, but there was his brother too with him, so he decided to go inside and face all his fears.

‘Face’ is a strong word, “Suddenly this guy with a big bloodied chainsaw and a freaking mask started to scream and chased US! BUT I FELL (☼Д☼)” Jackson is reading the story unfolding on the messages and lets out a small giggle as he keeps going on “I wanted to run but my legs went numb and my BROTHER DISAPPEARED (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ”

“He abandoned you there??”

“YES!?”

“Why? What happened then? What did you do?? （・□・；）”

“I cried,” Jackson must hide the big smile that is emerging reply by reply by sliding down more on the chair, he doesn’t want to get scolded by the professor as he tries to imagine Jooheon crying on the ground of this warehouse with a masked man threatening him “And the chainsaw guy took off his mask, put his hand on my shoulder, kneeled to talk to me, and APOLOGIZED ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚”

“WHAT щ(゜ロ゜щ)”

Okay, Jackson now has to bite his bottom lip hard to not laugh out loud in class. How much would he have payed to see that scene in person? Probably his entire tuition.

“I KNOW” Jooheon answers in caps “And he led me to the exit by my hand!!! That shit was too scary tbh. Remind me to NEVER go again inside of one of those houses lol”

“I guess he actually felt bad about scaring you like that ahah. But at least you didn’t have to endure the entire house till the end ┐(´∀｀)┌”

“Maybe? But you know who wasnt sorry about leaving me to die in there? MY BROTHER (ノಠ ∩ಠ)ノ彡( o°o)” there were more dots under Jooheon’s name on the chat, signaling he was typing something more “HE WAS WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE AND WHEN HE SAW MY FACE HE LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF!! HE CRIED ABOUT MY PAIN. He is SO MEAN really. I don’t know why we’re still brothers??”

“You can’t change your relatives, I know something about it… But if it was me I would have bought you sweet pastries and a hot coffee to be graced by your forgiveness ahah”

“You’d be a better brother for sure ♥”

Did he just…get bro-zoned? You got yourself into this situation Jackson. You did this to yourself.

Jackson mentally slaps himself as he tries to change the topic to something entirely different in order to stop where all of this is going to lead before it happens. Besides, as he thinks about it, he actually hasn’t met Jooheon’s brother at all, his best friend told him only that the first year was really tough and messy. His brother was never home or attending classes, and lots of fights happened between them when he wouldn’t even say where he was spending most of his nights. Jooheon kept worrying over him, stressing over him, almost reaching a point where he almost failed two classes, but since the start of the sophomore year, everything was getting better slowly, his brother started to attend classes more and seemed “more tamed” as Jooheon described it.

“Do you have another class after this? (´・ω・｀)”

“Yeah, man. Gotta attend linguistics, sad stuff (;´□｀)”

“Oh!” You’re probably going to hell for this small lie as you’re typing it and for all the times you thought about your best friend in not the most innocent ways, Jackson thinks, biting his lying tongue, “Can I walk you over there? I’m going in the same direction. (◡‿◡)/”

“I’ll wait for you outside then! ♥”

It went smooth. But why does he keep sending those hearts? Is he using them with his other friends as well? Is it a Korean thing? Probably - Jooheon most likely replies like that to everyone, but Jackson can’t and won’t stop his hopes from soaring higher than they should as he slips his phone into sleep mode and slides it back inside his jean’s back pocket.

Finally, the longest literature class in history ends, and Jackson’s heart starts to pound faster as he prepares to approach Jooheon waiting out in the packed corridors. Most of the time it’s not like this, but today it’s different for them, Jackson will ask him out. Or try, at least.

He gathers all of his books, his favorite blue squid-shaped pencil case and his literature notebook, throwing them inside his blue backpack before high-tailing it out of there.

“Jooheon-ah!”

When Jackson calls to the red hooded lump leaning against the corridor’s wall, Jooheon raises his chin up and looks directly at him, sweet eyes accompanied by that irresistible deep dimpled smile that drags everyone into a utopian paradise. Jackson’s heart painfully skips a beat for a long moment.

I’m going to die, he thinks as he moves forward to his best friend, attempting to reciprocate with a small smile and hoping to not seem too obvious about his crush for him.

“Hey! All good?” Jooheon chirps fondly, moving off from where he was leaning to walk side by side with his friend, fiery red backpack dangling wearily from one of his shoulders as the weight of culture made itself apparent.

“Yep,” the Chinese student starts, bending his head slightly toward the ground as he doesn’t feel so confident in his self-restraint when those angel-kissed dimples are there. “Though, what about you? You seem quite, uh tired this morning? … Don’t tell me it’s because of the House of Horrors you went to yesterday?”

“Well, that definitely helped! But when it was like 2 a.m. I was about to doze off, my mind was literally blank… And then the thought of Lit’s midterms results coming out today HIT me so hard that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” Jooheon makes a startled face, giggling at an invisible thought, gesticulating to make it less abstract. “Like, it’s the first exam this October and I want to pass it so bad?? I don’t want to repeat last year’s grades seriously.”

“What?! You shouldn’t be this anxious! I’m sure you got a straight A with a full score.” Jackson pushes jokingly at the other’s shoulder, almost making him trip on his feet. “We studied together, I know what you’re capable of. Don’t worry too much! And if it’s not what you hoped for, we’ll get through it together.”

Was he being too extra with the compliments? But at the same time…why is that when he said I know what you’re capable of, it made him think about totally different things that were incredibly out of context?

He know his best friend is a great student, a slow learner but with enough time he could analyze and understand things way better than others. Also, Jackson got help from him many times with Korean language misunderstandings – and there were many of these times - but Jackson wouldn’t have minded knowing what Jooheon was capable of in other contexts. Contexts where Jackson imagined himself on top of Jooheon, bodies pressed together on unmade and crumpled sheets as he drinks himself drunk on each one of those wet and incredibly sweet kisses, as their fingers intertwine together. He could almost make out the stunning sensation of Jooheon’s soft, ruddy lips on his.

“Thanks man, we will see later I guess…!” His best friend’s cheerful voice feels like a bucket of freezing water thrown over him.

Jackson, chill. Literally. Also, maybe it’s time to ask him about… “Oh, yeah… Later I-“

“Ugh. I really want a Smoochie right now, in this exact moment. Like right now.”

But it seems that his best mate didn’t hear his mumbled words as he was groaning and pouting like an adorable child in need of his daily sugar intake to keep functioning.

Still, what the hell was a Smoochie? Was he talking about a literal smooching session or what…? Would Jooheon ever be so forward with him? Did he notice Jackson’s embarrassing crush for him?

“A Smoochie is one of the best smoothies in town, you know?” Jooheon laughs again, probably from the confused look on the Chinese student’s face. He had to explain.

“Ah.” No kisses involved, then.

“It’s made with hibiscus flowers! It’s one of the seasonal drinks they prepare in that nice coffee shop near the campus, Flower Café, you know?” He seems so eager to explain the entire story of the drink to Jackson, that if he didn’t know him, he’d honestly assume he was some kind of amateur food enthusiast. And honestly, knowing him as he is, the fastest way to his heart was definitely through his stomach. “It’s so colorful and it smells amazing…You should try it sometime! Even though, I think they changed the menu to fit the Autumn theme by now.” With a deep sigh he keeps going on, “It’s a pity I couldn’t go before the end of September, there was no time to breathe with this midterm coming so fast…”

Jackson lets out a nervous laugh as he musters up the courage to say what could only be an incredibly embarrassing thing, his mind completely blank and unable to think. His brain decided to not function anymore at the word ‘hibiscus’ for some reason.

“Hibiscus flowers symbolized, in the Victorian Europe, ‘delicate beauty’” - stop - “In China their meaning is related to wealth and fame.” - STOP BRAIN - “I think it’s the type of drink that fits you perfectly, you know for your bea-“

“OH NO!” Jooheon shouts, his mouth hanging open for a moment as the sudden realization hits him hard “I forgot my essay for linguistics!”

God maybe is real, maybe not, but Jackson owes him at least for this. He was definitely saved in the very last moment before he made himself look like a fool. He bites down on his upper lip hard, thankful he didn’t finish what he was going to say.

“I’m sorry man, I’ll catch you later, ok?”

Wait.

“Sure, but about tonight’s party would you- “

But Jooheon already rushed through the other side of the corridor, running for his life as he probably had to get back to his apartment near the campus, fetch the essay and come back to the same building and arrive late for his class.

Jackson remains by himself, talking alone and completely out of the range from his next class. He accompanied Jooheon just to be able to talk with him about the party, but his plan to ask him out completely failed. Sure, if there’s time they will meet later at Jooheon’s apartment, so he might try to gather the courage to try to ask him out for a second time, but…

“You can do it, Jackson.”

“...called you, but your cellphone is down - but workin’ on weibo what you think I’m blind? Playin’ hard to get, I know you want me too-”

Jackson looks up from his own phone, pulled away from his temporary distraction by the uncanny timing of the party’s booming music. Working on weibo huh, he thinks, echoing the lyrics in his own mind, smiling slightly at the out of context reference. The DJ tonight must be Chinese, he guesses. Maybe he should pay them a visit at the end of the night, strike up some conversation, and leave the party with another friend. He strides across the dance floor, empty messages already forgotten in his excitement at the chance of finding someone from the motherland. First and foremost, Jackson Wang has always been a social butterfly and not even a language barrier can stop that.

Unfortunately, the complexities of texting etiquette can, and he’s nervously clicking his phone open again, scrolling through a string of messages he’s read over at least three times. Writhing bodies mill around his own, an awkward unmoving block that sits smack dab right in the center of the party, but Jackson can’t bring himself to care about the hastily bumped shoulders or rude murmurs. It’s not like he can understand them that well anyway.

What he can understand is the fact that there seems to be no sign of Jooheon replying to the messages he sent over thirty minutes ago. Earlier this morning, he had stood there in the crowded hallway with his tongue swollen in his mouth as Jooheon had gone on and on about a terribly named drink. It had been on his mind the entire time, nine simple words, do you want to go to the party together, reverberating over and over in his throat and practically on the tip of his tongue for the entirety of the conversation. Casual, friendly, and entirely platonic - nothing could have gone wrong with him just asking outright. And yet, the words had sat fat and swollen in his mouth, souring like spoiled milk from being exposed to the rot of his cowardly disposition. Now remembering Jooheon’s innocent rambles about sugary drinks as he had considered a multitude of things less than pure brings a flush of heat to his cheeks, and the bitter taste from earlier bubbles in his mouth like acrid vomit as he scrolls again through his messages.

Sent 9:17 PM. The time reads 10 by now, and still no reply.

Getting to know the potentially fellow Chinese DJ suddenly seems much less appealing now, and Jackson considers trekking all the way back across campus again so he can eat away his feelings in bowls of Szechuan-style chicken as he cries his eyes out to old imperial dramas in his tiger print pajamas. Why yes he is a fully grown functioning college student, why do you ask?

He’s already retracing his steps back through the disgruntled crowd, picturing in his mind’s eye the exact arrangement of pillows he’ll set up on his bed for the night, when a familiar stare forces him to a sudden stop. Slim eyes, usually so soft and gentle, are lined to a knife-like point with perfectly flicked curves of black. Still, it’s unmistakably Jooheon’s stare pinning him like a taxidermied butterfly right where he stands, rooted motionless against the far wall of the lobby floor. Even from clear across the room, Jooheon’s gaze burns so intensely Jackson feels it down to the very marrow of his bones. Oh, and also directly in his crotch.

The unflinching stare draws closer and closer, never removing itself from his wavering own as its owner weaves his way effortlessly through the shifting crowd. The bass pounds up through Jackson’s locked legs, flowing through his blood and right into his brain, elevating his current consciousness into a state of lucid drunkenness. Maybe that’s a good thing, he wonders, especially if Jooheon keeps staring at him like that, there’s the very high chance his brain will leak right out of his ears and plop right onto the neon patterned dancefloor. Not very attractive, Jackson, he thinks, grimacing at the sudden appearance of the explicit imagery inside his swirling mind.

In his panicked what-ifs, Jooheon has somehow already stalked his way across the floor and is standing in front of Jackson with his dark, glittering stare, looking as if he’s absolutely ready to party the night away. All thoughts about melting cerebrums and drunken bass beats fly out of his mind as Jackson blatantly ogles the entirety of Jooheon’s too tight fashion. Not that he doesn’t appreciate his friend’s frayed hoodies and sagging sweatpants, but just - goddamn - they really don’t hold a candle up to the rips situated dangerously over gloriously thick upper thighs and the rest of his legs bound in skin-tight black jeans. The shock hits him again in another breath-sucking punch as he looks up to see a leather choker buckled dangerously around a pale neck, so thin and stiff Jackson faintly wonders how Jooheon is breathing with that on.

Then again, how is he breathing with anything he has on right now?

The DJ shifts songs, switching to something smoother with the same pulsing backtrack, and Jooheon sidles right up into Jackson’s space in perfect timing with the beat. Oh god - Jackson is really holding his breath right now, staring right into slitted orbs that blink lazily at him almost as if in wait. When raucous silence passes by for a few nerve-wracking moments, Jackson finally summons up his lost voice and says in a very manly, very steady tone, “When did you get here?”

Jooheon’s gaze flows like liquid mercury, dark and inscrutable as he tilts his head to the side in a movement that Jackson has seen an infinite amount of times before under innocent sunlight in hazy cafes. This time though, it’s so...predatory, Jackson is gripped by an irrational fear for his life.

No ripping teeth or hungry growls come though, only the same smooth, elegant smile dipping over the other’s full cheeks and revealing a very familiar set of dimples. “Just now, you?” he murmurs, stepping even closer, practically tangling his toned legs around Jackson’s own.

The Chinese student muffles an indistinct sound in his throat, something suspiciously resembling a choking cough as he unintentionally inhales the scent of heady jasmine mixed with a strange smoky sweetness from Jooheon’s upturned cheek. In what universe has Jooheon ever been this forward, this alluring? He admits it, he may have slightly dug his face a little too deeply into past hugs and it’s always been the soft, curling scent of warm cotton and fresh spring detergent, but right now the only way he can describe the perfume curling off of Jooheon’s skin in waves of heat is - pure sex.

“Uh, like uh thirty minutes ago, but no worries - woah-” Jackson’s reply is cut off with a definite sound of him choking on his own spit as Jooheon presses himself to the panicking man’s front in a smooth serpentine arch, pushing their chests together in a searing line of flesh. A light hand traces down his jacket clad arm, before loosely circling around his wrist and fitting Jackson’s locked fingers into the curve of a warm, supple waist.

Abort. Repeat. Abort. Hand. Jooheon’s waist. Chest. Jooheon’s chest. There are spots dancing over his vision, and he knows these ones aren’t from the neon beams. If he passes out now, at least he can go out with the perfect sight of Jooheon’s face burned into retinas as he descends into Hell.

“I’ll make it up to you,” Jooheon hums, practically purrs, pressing over Jackson’s twitching fingers with his own cool hand as he continues staring up at him with sharp eyes. They’ve changed though, still two pools of inscrutable ink, but the predatory glare has faded into something more silky, more inviting. And Jackson, with his shaking heart and pounding head, who is he to say no?

It’s as if Jooheon mentally heard the automatic response within Jackson’s head, and he’s backing out of the other’s space, leaving the air around him suddenly so cold. Still, Jooheon keeps one hand curled watchfully around Jackson’s wrist, tilting his chin towards some dark corridor in the furthest recesses of the dorm as he mouths “come on” to the stunned man with a shiny, pink smile. The moment he turns, strutting confidently through the flickering shadows, Jackson is tripping into action, allowing himself to be pulled along by the heated tether between them.

Now, Jackson doesn’t know what he expected his first time with Jooheon to be like (if he ever even expected a first time at all), but it most definitely did not include being pushed up against a wall and being kissed within an inch of his life. Jooheon’s lips are locked glossily over his own, and already there’s a tongue licking into his mouth, draining every shocked moan right out of him with its skilled workings. By the time Jackson comes back enough to the real world to begin reciprocating, there’s already fingers dancing down his jeans and popping open his fly without a second of hesitation or struggle.

The mouth over his own is suddenly gone, leaving him panting at empty air as Jooheon’s dark head situates itself right at crotch level. Jooheon. On his knees. For him. Jackson is definitely going to hell after tonight.

Jooheon sends him a sultry glance up through delicate lashes, complete with a hint of a tongue peeking out over spit-shined lips as he proceeds to maneuver Jackson’s rock-hard cock out of his boxers without a hint of hesitation. Jackson swears he’s already shaking down to his very bones, but the tremors only escalate another level further when Jooheon’s hands grip soft and steady around him, stroking gently up and down with deft fingers that smear beads of pearly precum over every inch of his painfully red cock.

“You don’t have to-” he starts, wincing at the sound of his own cracking voice, but Jooheon only puts a wet finger to his full mouth before swallowing Jackson down in one go.

Jackson bites his tongue, clamping a sweaty palm over his mouth for good measure as he tries to hold in every embarrassing sound as a tight, wet heat begins working itself over his cock in a quick, unforgiving rhythm. The slick noise of flesh against flesh echoes lewdly within his ears, and Jackson knows, no matter how much control he has over his 3-pack abs, if Jooheon continues at this pace he’s going to come like an eager middle schooler discovering the wonders of porn for the first time again.

Somehow, Jooheon seems to read his mind for the second time, and he pulls of Jackson’s now purpling cock with a sucking pop! There are trails of white smeared around his lips, and he makes direct eye contact with Jackson as he openly licks away the droplets and swallows them down with a distinct bobbing of his throat. Jackson automatically swallows his own spit at the sight and feels his tortured cock twitch happily in response to the sight. Somehow, Jooheon has twisted him into a complete masochist tonight, but with the way he’s straightening in front of him with further promises flashing within his slitted eyes, he can’t say he has a problem with that.

And without warning, complicated lacings of combat boots are being pulled loose and kicked to the side, and Jackson watches, flabbergasted, as Jooheon shimmies out of those skin-tight black jeans with a wiggling of his hips, his underwear quickly following until he’s standing thighs bared before Jackson, head cocked again as if in wait.

This time Jackson stands, absolutely frozen in place with no idea what to do, so Jooheon takes the initiative and slips forward, grinding himself up against the other man’s front as he pulls Jackson to his lips with looped hands around his neck. The moment their mouths connect, Jackson is shocked back into awareness, and it only hits him now that this is real, that Jooheon is willing to kiss him, willing to let him fuck him, and oh, how badly he wants it, how badly he needs it and how he needs it now.

Jooheon is the one being slammed back against a wall now, releasing a shuddering breath into Jackson’s all too eager mouth as he latches on even tighter around the other’s neck. Jackson hikes his hands up under the crook of bent knees, winding them around his waist as he lifts Jooheon off the ground entirely, and a surprised moan brushes sweetly over his lips as a reward. Maybe all those years of professional fencing are finally paying off now, he thinks deliriously, digging his fingers into the soft, full flesh of Jooheon’s ass.

He’s ready to move on, to take it to the final point, to take Jooheon as he’s presented so enticingly before him, but a realization suddenly douses his entire body with cold water. Jooheon senses it too, hands cupped around his cheeks as he separates his mouth from Jackson’s, a clear trail of spit hanging between their open lips. Jackson’s gaze catches on that erotic sight for a moment too long, before he knocks himself out of it with a stuttering whisper of “condoms?”

Jooheon gives him a squinted stare that strangely makes Jackson feel like folding to his knees and begging for forgiveness in a deep bow. “Why, are you not clean?” he asks bluntly, digging a foot into the curve of Jackson’s back.

The Chinese student splutters, pushing Jooheon further up against the wall in an effort to avoid dropping him. “No, no, I am, but shouldn’t we be safe?”

The hallway is almost entirely encased in shadow, but he swears he receives an immediate eye roll in response. However, the weight latched around his waist disappears as Jooheon steps down without shame, hips swaying confidently, over to his discarded pile of clothing. He bends over, Jackson trying and failing to not gawk over his full ass, and returns with a shiny packet in hand. He slips into the space between the other man and the wall and tears open the condom with a quick snarl of teeth before discarding the silver packet to the side.

Hail Mary, Jesus, and Joseph, Jackson might as well die from a brain aneurysm now. The sight of Jooheon opening a condom in a flash of white teeth and pink lips is the only thing he ever wants to remember for the rest of his life.

He shivers as Jooheon roughly rolls on the latex sleeve over his curved cock, biting his lip when a hooked finger pulls it tight with a snap right at the base. Jooheon straightens, seemingly a pout on his face as if asking ‘satisfied?’ Jackson swallows guiltily as heat begins roiling in his gut again, and an idiotic surge of bravery courses through him as he crowds Jooheon back up against the wall with his own body.

Soft hands slip smoothly over his shoulders in response, curling along the column of his neck in vague threat that has Jackson obeying immediately. He’s in the middle of hiking thick thighs up to his waist, when Jooheon laughs, high and lilting. Jackson pauses, rightfully confused and a little lovesick as he stares at Jooheon’s dimples on complete display. “Come on,” he murmurs, “don’t you want to try for the shoulders instead? Or can you not handle it?”

Oh it’s on. Jackson’s never known Jooheon to be so cocky, but if he’s asking for it, then Jackson is going to give it to him.

“Sure I can,” he smiles, purposefully letting his rough syllables roll low off his tongue as he immediately hooks bent knees to sit at both sides of his neck in a quick, steady hold. Jooheon blinks, appraising him perhaps, before grinning wickedly and seating himself down over Jackson’s cock in a single smooth push.

Velveteen heat encases him in an immediate vice, and Jackson chokes on the feeling, at the realization that Jooheon decided to come prepared. The image of Jooheon spreading himself open at home just for this, for him, flashes through his brain, and he has to grit his teeth to not come from that sight alone. For once, the other man finally shows signs of breathlessness as his mouth drops open in a silent o from the full drag of Jackson’s cock within him. The slight gasps dropping out of Jooheon’s shaking lips are doing wonders for Jackson’s already self-assured ego.

When it seems like an eternity has passed with them connected together like this, Jackson dares to move, pulling back with a slick sound of flesh and pushing back in with a simultaneous moan from the both of them. Jooheon immediately clenches around his cock and kicks his foot into Jackson shoulder, glaring up at him with a very obvious command.

Jackson obeys with another burning pull, dragging it out even longer just to feel that sparking friction from Jooheon’s fluttering insides. Another hard kick digs into back of his head, and Jackson slams in without warning, the force of it knocking Jooheon so hard against the wall he arches his throat up in a cry of breathless surprise.

The air fills with cut off moans and yelps as Jackson picks up pace, drilling Jooheon onto his cock over and over again as he chases after the oncoming wave of absolute ecstasy. Jooheon’s bare legs bounce uselessly over Jackson’s shoulders with every thrust, no resistance left for any bruising kicks as he can only cling to Jackson’s tensed body to keep himself from falling.

Jackson’s close, too close, and the sentimental idiot he is, he wants to come with Jooheon’s lips on his, crying out the other’s name, so he blindly gropes for Jooheon’s face in the darkness with his own. Like a magnet, plush lips fit themselves over his, and they’re messily making out as Jackson pistons erratically in and out of Jooheon’s wet heat.

It’s here, the wave, the final build up in his stomach, and Jackson groans out his final confession against Jooheon’s gasping breath. “Jooheon, I, I’m going to-”

A bruising force slams into his shoulder, and Jackson literally has the breath knocked out of him as he falls back onto his ass. He can only gape, jaw dropped, as Jooheon stands above him, glare raining down all of the fires of hell upon Jackson’s prostrated body. The other’s cock still bobs proudly, its head tinged pink against his black shirt, and there’s a hint of slick dripping down his pale thighs. Jackson’s traitorous cock twitches heartily against his stomach at the sight.

Jooheon steps right between his spread legs, and leans down, a strangely gleeful smile pulled across his dimpled cheeks. “I’m Hojoon. Jooheon’s twin.”

And with that he’s spinning on his heel, the same confident sway in his walk as he collects his clothes and disappears past the corner without even a backwards glance.

Jackson sits there, fly down, dick hard as he considers whether or not he still has enough dignity to drag himself back to his dorm tonight. Jooheon’s twin’s - Hojoon’s - words ring over and over again through his mind, and Jackson prays to his dear grandma’s heavenly soul this won’t come back to bite him in the ass tomorrow.

Jooheon keeps glancing wistfully now and then at his blacked-out phone screen because of course he had to forget the portable battery charger in his room. Before coming to the party, when he got back from afternoon classes, he didn’t think of plugging it in at home as eating pizza had seemed much more important at that time. In his defense, he was starving after being out for the entire day, and then his brother was talking about having a “fast” match on Overwatch, so he needed to participate even if “fast” matches usually lasted hours. That was because Hojoon kept whining things like “Fuck no, we need to do another one! It can’t end like this” – “I need to beat this person’s ass again!” or “My reputation completely depends on destroying this Hanzo for one more match.” Jooheon wasn’t really into gaming as he actually sucked at anything related to hard competition, but he was glad they usually played in groups with some of Hojoon’s internet friends. They won most of the times against strong parties, and he couldn’t really complain when he was carried as Mercy - plus it was funny to see his brother flame people and talk rubbish into the voice channel.

Sometimes playing was a good distraction from college-related work, annoying parents, and just moments when he felt like not talking to people for some reason.

Though, it was almost 10 p.m. when he noticed what time it was after getting sucked into eleven more matches, and just a few hours before he promised himself to not be late again on Jackson, like how it had happened this morning during Literature class and a few other times, but he was already breaking his promise as they had to meet around 9.

When he arrived at the party, almost thirty minutes had passed, and along the way he even lost his brother somewhere into the mess the dorm had become for that festive and liberating night at the end of midterms.

“I’ll help you search for your friend,” he said with a smirk before disappearing, without giving Jooheon a chance to answer, as the younger twin would have probably suggested that they look for him together, since his phone was basically dead in its electronic grave at this point. Hojoon knows what Jackson looks like, Jooheon talked about him and showed him their countless dumb selfies they took during classes, so he’s sure his brother will be able to recognize him… But if they can’t communicate in some way, how can they meet? He can’t stop his mind from thinking about those comic strips with different characters chasing after each other, opening more and more doors without being able to come across one another.

Jooheon slides his lifeless phone into one of his black sweatpant’s side pockets and keeps looking around in search of familiar faces, still everything seems to be the same on every dorm floor - people dancing, drunk people dancing, beer pong matches, and yep, just more people drinking and dancing - Ah, if only he could chug down drink after drink like everybody does and be carefree. With just half of one of those he knows would start to ramble about random stuff (nobody would want to know how bees could actually recognize human faces) and dance in every possible awkward way, unlike Hojoon, who has the tolerance of a devil (or at least that’s what people say) and can drink straight for an entire night, ending it though with a massive killer hangover in the morning that Jooheon has to take care of...

He is about to change floor and go up the stairs when he sees his brother coming down from the same stairway as he zips his fly up, buttoning his pants with a smug look on his face. His parted hair, which had been styled so effortlessly, is now completely messed up into a dark tangled nest, the laces of his combat boots halfway tied, and his black shirt slightly rucked up to show a slight outline of his hip bone.

“Had fun?” Jooheon asks when Hojoon sees him and stops for a moment, probably thinking about what just happened, before keep going down the stairs with a now tensed smile.

“Uh, nothing special really-” He starts saying, stopping then in front of him at the end of the stairs as he fixes himself, sliding down his black shirt, “but I haven’t found your friend and this party sucks…sooo shall we go?”

The younger twin pouts, furrowing his brows as he looks at his older brother with defeat. “But hyung, we just arrived! And I- “

“Yes, you promised him and everything,” Hojoon imitates him with a slightly more high-pitched tone than his own, completely it with an exaggerated eyeroll, gesticulating in an exasperated mocking way. “By this time though, he probably went back to his dorm since you had to meet him almost-” he then looks down, annoyed at his own phone, the time showing up on the lock screen with a simple tap of fingers, “-two hours ago.”

Jooheon finds no fault with his reasoning as he catches himself sighing loudly, head slightly drooping, lolling to one side while glancing at his brother sideways, with all the sadness in the entire universe at once.

For sure Jackson is mad at him right now, thinking about how blatantly careless his friend is or how stupid he is when he’ll tell him about the phone charging problem. Like, what kind of irresponsible adult forgets to charge his phone when he knows it has 10% of its battery left?

He kind of regrets now playing Pug’s Quest during afternoon classes, but after some time he had to occupy his mind differently as some sort of a break, since he couldn’t really focus for more than forty minutes straight at his teacher’s boring tone without seeing double or getting a headache.

He definitely needs to apologize to Jackson soon, he thinks, sighing loudly again.

Hojoon, knowing him better than anyone else, comes closer and graps his lukewarm hand into his own colder one for a moment, before pulling him lightly into the direction of the hallway which is even more crowded than where they’re currently standing.

“Come on Jooheonie, let’s go home.” He pulls again with a bit of more strength. “You’ll see your friend tomorrow.”

Jooheon just nods silently, looking more most miserable than he ever has while following his brother around, hands still locked together, and Hojoon can’t stop himself from letting out a small amused laugh at seeing him react like that.

“Hyuuung, don’t laugh at my pain!” a pleading whine comes from behind him, making him laugh even more.

“I’m sorry, your face is just too funny,” the older twin shakes his head as he tries to contain the amusement Jooheon always causes with his childish behavior – even if his younger twin thinks the same of him (and whenever that happens they can’t help but physically ‘fight’ about who’s the stronger one. Hojoon always wins by pinching ruthlessly Jooheon’s thighs, ending up as maybe the more childish one, but definitely the winner).

“Then your face is funny too.”

“Did you just sass me?” the older twin asks glancing back at Jooheon for a moment, before he keeps pulling him through wasted people overdoing the celebrations just a bit too much, as only the midterms period passed. It wasn’t like it was finals ending.

“Maybe.” Jooheon murmurs with a small smile, following his brother through the crowd…Oh. He stops for a moment in front of a bulky and muscled guy, and with his free hand he grabs the plastic cup in the guy’s very intimidating grip and chugs it down in one fast go. A deep “hey!” can be heard from above, but when Hojoon drinks the entire cup, he only replies with an overconfident glance, chin tilted up in a manner that seems to dare the man into saying anything else.

At that look, no more protests can be heard, and the older twin pulls the younger one again into a silent march aimed into getting them out of here.

Before leaving, Hojoon throws the empty cup somewhere into the writhing mess, satisfied.

End of the first chapter

Second Chapter: Here come the regrets

“Hyung, I’m worried,” is the first thing Jooheon says, pouting as he plops himself onto Hyunwoo’s lap.

The older man blinks, glasses slightly skewed over his nose, as his English report is entirely replaced with Jooheon’s sullen visage. A pen dangles halfheartedly from between his thumb and index finger, the next sentence more or less forgotten. The warm weight in his lap wriggles needily, and he sighs internally, dropping the pen with a light clatter as Jooheon scooches further and further up along his crotch. Hyunwoo wraps his newly freed arm around the younger boy’s waist, hiking him up to his chest (like a baby, his sleep deprived mind coos), keeping him still against his lap. Jooheon pouts again, but he ceases his squirming and plops his head softly against his boyfriend’s shoulder, nuzzling at the threadbare t-shirt there. Hyunwoo makes direct eye contact with the other’s wide, puppy-dog gaze, and he swears something is melting within him. Most likely all his internal organs, but Jooheon tends to have that effect on people.

“What’s up?” he asks simply, stroking a hand over the curve of the younger’s sweater-clad waist. Jooheon smiles at the gentle touch and takes to wriggling again, burying himself in the other’s all-encompassing warmth as he settles into story-mode.

“So, Hojoon, my brother you know-” Hyunwoo nods sagely at Jooheon’s questioning tone, and the younger continues, deeming it satisfactory, “he’s been coming home with a lot of...bruises.” Hyunwoo watches Jooheon press his pink lips open and closed, a perpetual sheen shining across the soft curves, and he almost doesn’t register the implications behind the younger’s murmured statement. When “bruises” and “Hojoon” finally register in his distracted mind, he physically jolts at his realization. Hojoon is Jooheon’s perfectly identical twin and the idea of him covered in bruises...well, Hyunwoo’s mind is certainly going places.

Jooheon’s voice pierces through his haze, and Hyunwoo blinks back into focus only to see genuine worry in the younger’s eyes. “I just, he started dating a new guy recently…” Jooheon sighs, gaze wandering, cheeks bunching as he tries to find the right words, “and he always comes back the next morning with um, hickies? But like-” he gestures with his hands, grasping for an image Hyunwoo can’t see, “they’re always so intense I end up calling them bruises in my head…”

He trails off, eyebrows scrunched in a light furrow, and Hyunwoo presses his thumb over it, smoothing out the wrinkle with a gentle swipe. “Who is your brother dating again?” he asks, bouncing his legs and jostling Jooheon in his lap, attempting to dislodge the frown from the younger’s face.

“Um-” Jooheon’s voice hitches with each bounce, and he pouts up at Hyunwoo to stop. The older man muffles a chuckle against his cheek and ceases the movement, patting affectionately at Jooheon’s waist. His boyfriend scooches up against his chest, resituating himself in Hyunwoo’s lap before muttering, “Kihyun, I think?”

Kihyun. Hyunwoo knows that guy: round cheeks, pinched mouth, always ready to yell at someone somehow. Also, he goes around with a head of bright pastel pink hair. Hyunwoo shrugs because hey, at least he rocks it better than the students from the art department. Hyunwoo has passed him in the hall a few times, and other than a casual nod, they don’t talk at all. Basically, he assumes he’s an alright guy, if not a little uptight.

He voices his belief out loud, pressing it in a whispered kiss against Jooheon’s curtain of bangs. The scent of soft baby powder unfurls into his nose, and he nuzzles deeper into messy brown curls. He’s pulled out of his reverie when sweater-clad hands yank at his neck, and he’s met with Jooheon’s round cheeks, puffy and flushed with dissatisfaction. He sits up straight, hands flapping over Hyunwoo’s back as he tries to make his point.

“But, but bruises hyung! Bruises! I don’t want to question him, but...don’t you think it might be unhealthy?” He lips curve out again into a pout, and Hyunwoo’s heart does a row of backflips all the way down from his chest to his stomach.

“Jooheonie, I think,” he pauses, considering his words carefully, “it’d be best if you asked your brother directly instead of assuming things here with me.” At the younger’s unmoving pout, he presses a chaste kiss over soft lips before pulling back with what Jooheon calls his “half-moon smile,” humming a light “okay?” as his final nudge for the younger man to do the right thing.

Jooheon sighs, deflating against his chest, before stealing a quick, sweet kiss from Hyunwoo’s lax mouth and springing out of his lap. “Thanks hyung,” he smiles, pecking the older man’s cheek on his way out, a hopeful spring in his step.

Hyunwoo waves until Jooheon is disappearing behind the door frame and turns back to his English assignment, drooping back against his chair as a wave of lethargy instantly overtakes him. He forces the pen back into his cramped fingers and continues the lost sentence, lips and cheek still tingling from the force of Jooheon’s casual affection.

Hojoon rummages for his apartment key, shouldering wayward bags of groceries and books up from his fatigued arms. The key fits into the lock after much stubborn jamming, and he pushes roughly into the room shoulder-first, paper bags shifting loudly against one another as they slip at the sudden movement.

“Fucking-” Kihyun swears, muffled, as he fumbles at a wall of flesh, scrabbling down tensed thighs that encase his face completely from all sides. There’s the heady taste of salt and something more dripping down his mouth, but there’s also the distinct lack of air flowing through his currently crushed nose. He claws again down the curve of Hojoon’s bare ass, digging his fingers into the soft flesh there, knowing exactly how the marks will look on the other’s backside in the morning and not regretting a moment of it - not when he’s actually choking from his boyfriend’s very supple and heavy weight.

He audibly makes a noise of distress when said weight only bears down even harder, crushing with the force of a two ton truck against his cheekbone as Hojoon grinds down without mercy against his spluttering mouth. Alright, enough, Kihyun may love it when his partner makes him lose his breath during sex but to the point of absolute suffocation? That’s a discussion for another day entirely (safewords!!! the last functioning part of his brain screams).

He says it just so as he musters every ounce of strength back into his jelly limbs, launching the scorching inferno off of him in a sudden toppling motion, gasping air into his soaked mouth like a drowned man. Which, to be honest, he almost did...under the absolute wonder of his partner’s thighs that is. Again, absolutely appreciated, just no literal choking please.

Hojoon doesn’t seem to get the message though as he rolls onto all fours in a perfectly unruffled landing. Like a cat, Kihyun thinks, replaying all the videos of children dropping their cats from terrible heights just to see them land upright without any trouble. Even still, after landing like a cat, Hojoon follows through with the attitude, glaring over at Kihyun’s gaped expression with a cocked chin, legs coiled tense against the bedsheets. Silence ensues and in his oxygen-deprived brain, Kihyun almost expects the younger man to begin grooming his curled black locks in a prissy manner.

Hojoon only glares harder, turning so that his back is entirely facing the end of the bed before yanking a blanket over his bottom half. There goes the fresh laundry of the week. Not that Kihyun expected anything on the bed to last after tonight, but what with the way Hojoon is cocooning himself with that goose down blanket...it’ll be awhile since they use it again.

“Quoting you,” the younger man begins, still sulking darkly as he rests his cheek on raised knees, “ ‘Please fucking choke me with your thighs, that’s how I want to go tonight.’ “

A sharp heat pulses through Kihyun’s gut at hearing his own explicit words uttered out loud, and he presses his lips together into a thin line. Hojoon arches a neat brow at his silent reaction and scoffs, turning his glare to a loose feather stuck among the bed sheets instead. “Don’t tell me you regret it now...”

His words trail off, and the atmosphere between them immediately chills, filling with a kind of murky lull where all Kihyun can discern from Hojoon’s errant sheet-tracing is a tinge of quiet bitterness.

#happycakewrites

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dadzawa-adopt-dabi · 3 years

Note

1-35 on fanfic asks

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

2 stars maybe? Im not great and i forget a lot of things. but no one can stop me from writing and i enjoy it. the more i do it the more i may like my own writing one day

2. Why do you write fanfiction? Fanfiction is everything to me. It was a matter of time until i started writing it seriously for myself.

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Literally nothing. I tend to go off with ships and specific things i want represented... but thats it. anyone can write.

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Always! so many! the best thing about fanfiction is how it builds upon itself and spreads!

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Im very proud of Secret Baby/ River run. Its large and a mess and i hate it. But im proud ive done it. A completed one im proud of is "Compress said its his turn on the murder screen" i think i did well with that one and kept the tone I wanted.

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

Arguments between characters and having them express themselves other ways.

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

It's the making up and posting works i struggle with. Along with editing which is another monster.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

I do love the murder boys! Dabi, Itachi, Deidara, Naruto (should have killed everyone), Reno. If theyve got issues i love them!

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

happy characters. I just don't know what to do with them. Like a domestic setting with no action? nope not for me!

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for?

Hurt/comfort has always been my jam!

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

im not entirely sure? I havent been really writing/posting that long.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

Expectations! its a collaboration i'm working on with a friend and a DabiHawks fanfiction again! It's a fic where they fall in bed together before they even like each other. A lot of assumptions are made and not a lot of talking gets done until quite a bit of Damage has been done. Hawks finds out that Dabi's been doing some things he wasnt comfy with just because he didnt know how to tell Hawks and because he was attached to him. It's messy and won't get less so.

interesting to write to say the least because im such a Zero tolerance person.

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Naruto lol

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

part of my heart will always belong to naruto. can't leave it. But im enjoying writing for bnha immensely!

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

Food Fantasy! a video game i did a short one shot on last october!

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

Soulmate au's! Omegaverse! I love tropes! Oh! Hanahaki!

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

none.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

I wouldn't say ive done anything too wild?

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between?

get canon away from me! i love au's! any and all!

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff?

both!

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

currently its DabiHawks! i love my enemies to lovers! (everyone deserves compassion lave and basic decency)

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

Sometimes! some fics have specific playlists!

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

All of the above! i dont know how to put wips back lol!

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

I like one shots better but the amount of effort for multichapter fics is something else tbh!

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Yes a few times brought on by comments! What if Hawks ran in to Dabi early on or if Dabi had stayed and talked to Hawks the last night they spent together. None of it ever really goes well? Dabi has no support besides his Significant Other in both of these and i dont like that.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

Nope! Ive been getting the hang of NSFW and i feel like that's one of my biggest areas to improve on!

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

any! seriously i love comments! telling me to write more or that i forgot something was done 6 chapters ago or a string of emoji's!

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing?

Much better than I used to!

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

Every time i post lol. Im pretty comfortable with a variety of things! there's been times in this roleplay i participate in that i was very uncomfortable with how my character was acting but that was the entire point and it turned out well considering the outrage he kept causing!

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

Best of both! ive also taken a shine to writing things that out of story context are fluff but in context are horrendous angst!

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

Nope! I don't really do Oc's!

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

Secret Baby/ River Run- Dabi gets pregnant and runs away. Hawks is the father.

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I've had such a kind fantastic audience but i wish they would pay some more attention sometimes to why i have characters do things the way they do. Hawks leaves Dabi alone? theres a reason for that and the awnser is not to stalk him. even for Dabi's saftey.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

Dabi dosen't meet Rumi like expected. He expected to just get taken out by her in a fight one day, if they met at all. Not him cleaning his torn staples in Hawks bathroom after he's been shoved in there, Rumi having interrupted a blowjob and Hawks had roughly shoved him in his bathroom. He couldn't hear much of the conversation going on outside. But what he could made his face burn with embarrassment as he tried to put himself together. The fact that she was also a Hero and Hawks best friend made him nervous. What a great first impression, sucking her best friends dick with a bloody face. -" NOT DATING-" Hawks voice broke through for a moment and then quieted. -"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE'S A VILLAIN KEIGO, HE WAS JUST GIVING YOU A BLOWJOB THERE IS NO ." There was a loud thump as Rumi was yelling and Dabi let himself flinch here in private. She quieted down soon after she had started yelling. Dabi sat down against the sinks cupboard and rested his head on his knees. Waiting for it to stop and Hawks to kick him out. He wouldn't actually get to meet Rumi as Keigo's, well as Keigo's anything. It was just sex between them on Hawks end anyways. There's stomping towards the door and Dabi scrambles up as he resists the urge to lock the door. To lock himself inside like a child thinking it will save him from Enjis rath. Hawks is.... he's not kind to Dabi, but he's not Enji either. The door opens and Rumi's gaze finds him as he's getting up. He ducks his head and gives a little half hearted wave, not sure what she's doing. Why she's looking at him with a gaze much softer than expected. "Hey. Sorry I walked in on you guys. I'm Rumi. Hawks best friend he's been hiding away from you." "I uh. Um. Dabi? I go by Dabi. I think it's more like I'm just his dirty little secret." He gives a small dry chuckle and a smirk, a tad on the mean side like he did with Keigo. It came out a little to real and he winced. He sounded like a whiny asshole, he thought as he kept his gaze on his bare toes digging into the tile. "Dabi, I doubt Keigo thinks of you like that." Rumi reaches her hand out and Dabi tenses in anticipation of her grabbing him. To harm him maybe? To throw him in cuffs? Out of Keigo's apartment but he has no doubt that he will be there soon enough after Rumi leaves. "Its fine. I'm just a villain he can sleep with ya know?" Rumi gets a determined look in her eye as she draws her hand back, having noticed him tense up. "I'm going to give you my number Dabi. Villains don't any resources and I don't like how Hawks treated you when I walked in. If anything happens, I want you to have a way out. I don't think you've told your friends who your sleeping with. Or you would have teleported out of here." Dabi hands his phone over still in shock to Rumi and she gently takes it. She's still super confident in person but, there's no violence or anger from her. Its... suprising.

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

Dabi and Hawks can both have issues and have to put in some serious effort to not only see those issues, but work together with them. this has been a PSA.

#dabihawks #bnha #mha

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misterbitches · 3 years

Text

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.

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trs80sbby-blog · 6 years

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Fireworks!

“Fireworks” is appropriate since the story I’m about to tell took place on New Years Eve. We all know that I have been struggling with the dating scene and that I pretty much gave up on that bullshit, but I want to remember this story. I want to remember it because I want to come back to this one day and say that I lived with a stranger for a couple of hours and I loved him before he left my sight. ( Let’s be clear that when I say I loved him, I loved him. His energy his personality and everything that makes him, him.) And honestly, I didn’t believe that any part of this story was actually possible.

Tinder

I have been on Tinder for way too fuckin long. It’s a gateway to life’s destruction to be completely honest but i took my part in it. Swipe left, Swipe Right, SUPER LIKE!!! Bullshit! But I would spend my time at work swiping left and right on people and reading minimal bios in the 500 characters that were allowed. I swiped right another time on a bio that read, “ be prepared to meet if we match.” Or something in that context, I’m sure there was more but I’ve since deleted tinder, again, so I cant go back and say for sure. Anyways.. I dont remembered who messaged who first, but we started chatting a little bit and then eventually we got off tinder and started texting each other. Again, I know I’m leaving out some details but I don’t remember the conversation we had on tinder or who gave their number first. I wasnt invested really. And seriously thats not important. You’ll see. We met on Tinder. The universe introduced us on Tinder.

Dodging Bullshit

Sometimes I think that I am so broken or so insecure that I’m genuinely not worth people’s time. And then there are other times where I am this powerful insatiable Queen and I believe that people aren’t worth my time. At this time I was conflicted with both. It was refreshing that he didnt like to text so much, so the brief couple of conversations we had after exchanging numbers was nice, but mentally, I wasnt sure if I wanted to be vulnerable or a total bitch. Look, I have a back story that I can tell one day, but just know that i have a reason for the way i am. People have thrown so much shit my way while dating and I have had enough free dinners and free drinks and free movies, that I have concluded that my time isn’t worth all that. I like to eat but I dont like to repeat myself.

“Hi, my name is Shawnta.”

“What do you do?”

“What are you looking for?”

“What’s your story?”

Who wants to answer those question 50 thousand times over and over again for different ignorant people? I need a fuckin drink please..

So when he asked to take me out before New Years, I was hesitant. Sick and hesitant. Details..

Planning

Initially we were suppose to go see a movie since apparently we both like movies. Now, that might sound common, but I love movies. Junkie... And with the admittance of him being able to shed a tear during a sad scene, I was able to accept that he might be just the junkie i needed when it came to a movie partner. We never went to the movies. Lol. Discussed it a little more, but nothing solid. I didn’t care.

Pause; If I’m coming off as if I’m lost, I was..

Do you meet people while you’re sick? It’s not like I didnt tell him. He said I had sars and still wanted to meet me. I procrastinated on plans so much and time was running out to the point that I really had to make a decision. By this time, in my head, I wanted to meet him, I just didnt want to be disappointed or be the disappointment. We finally planned to get together on New Years Eve around 7 because I did not want to stay out all night. 7 changed to 8, 8 changed to 9, and 9 changed to 9:30pm SHARP!! Some where between 7 and 8 is when the Universe decided to start making decisions for me, and make it very clear that I’m going out.

Have you ever felt a shift in your energy that was so noticeable and positive that you had no choice but to embrace it? That’s what I felt when that decision was made for me. I did my make up. I got dressed in this beautiful, shoulderless, shear, burgundy, full length dress. And wore heels, my favorite ones at that, and I walked out the house with more confidence than I’ve had all year.

Shady Lady / R15

Shady Lady requires collared shirts. He didnt wear one. We didnt go to Shady Lady as planned. We went to R15 which was at the other end of the block. Downtown, Sacramento has all these places that can bring you in and swallow you whole. I think R15 did that to us and the fact that the bartender made a really decent Manhattan for him and a heavy handed margarita for me. We sat at the bar and I was finally able to really look at this beautiful, 6 foot something, brown skinned man. He has the perfect eyebrows, seriously the perfect face and bone structure. But the most irresistible part of him is his eyes. His eyelashes are thick and full, and did I say perfect? He’s gorgeous. And then he spoke. I need you to understand that yes, we had previous conversations over the phone and his voice is captivating, but it’s a spell in person. He spoke and I listened to his tone. What the fuck! This man spoke to me and I felt the universe’s desired to take hold of this situation all over again. The power of attaction, as he says, was definitely present. The way he looked at me was indescribable. And I could be in my own head at this time, but he looked at me and called me beautiful. I’ve been called beautiful by a lot of men this past year and not once did I believe them. But when the words flowed off his lips, I tasted his truth. We were in this bar full of people, but a chill environment and music surrounded us, but it was just us. You can read that a million times in a million books and never understand it until it actually happens to you. It was loud, so I had to lean into him so that he could talk to me, and as I’m moving away to look at him again, we kissed. Did I go in to kiss him or was it the other way around? I’m not sure.. But it happen and the world tilted a little. His kiss was soft, he held my cheek and lead that kiss into another realm of pleasure. Heroin.. The most addictive drug known to man. His kiss instantly became my heroin, and it didnt go unnoticed by anyone.

Midnight

The countdown was coming. And we already kissed, so you’d think, what’s one more new years kiss right? You couldn’t be more wrong. I kissed him at 12am January 1, 2018, and I loved him in that moment. I loved the energy that he forced into my body through that kiss. Sleeping beauty would’ve woke up with that kiss, fuck Prince Charming, I had him.

Public

Throughout the night we talked and people watched a little. He had to go to the restroom and thats when it became obvious that we were being watched. This incredibly bubbly woman came up to me, and told me that she’s been wanting to come say something to me for a while. She told me that i was gorgeous and my idiot self asked her who she was talking to. One day ill learn to accept compliments without making a total ass of myself. Then she started to talk about me and him. This is when I knew i wasnt imagining what was happening.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“You guys look at each other so intensely.”

“I just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you guys are.”

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that this was our first date.

“DAMMNNN.”

By this time, he returned with a kiss. But so did his friends. This allowed us some time to become a little social. I introduced him to my bubbly new friend, and he introduced me to his friends that arrived. I excused myself to smoke a cigarette with miss bubbles and met her boyfriend. He was handsome too. Omg they are the cutest couple. Lumberjack meets tinkerbell. Lumberjack was trying to be kind and tried to introduce me to one of his friends.

“I don’t know if youre here with anyone, but if you are, my guy here is better than your guy,”

When I tell you that MY GUY had perfect timing. We were standing right outside the bar door when this was happening. I could see him through the closed door, and as lumberjack is talking I could see him making his way to me. He came out and i introduced lumberjack to my guy. He didn’t come out because he say us three talking, he came out to see if I was ok and give me a kiss. After the introduction he went right back in to his friends. When I went back into the bar, we socialized a little more and then the bar started to prepare to close. Time flew.

Goodbyes

He asked if i was ready to leave. Unfortunately I had no choice but to say yes. So he walked me to my car. As we were walking I asked him if he wanted to sit in my car while he waited for his Lyft or Uber, and then the words just slipped off of my lips.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Ok Pause again...

The words slipped my lips but I meant them. I didn't want him to leave. I didnt want to drive home and not have him around me or next to me.

He got in the car and the goodbyes didnt happen.

Goodnight, Good morning

When we got into the house, I changed into what I regularly sleep in. Nothing sexy or remotely attractive. And he stripped down to his boxers or briefs. I wasnt paying attention. The alcohol kicked in for him and i was a little tipsy. Two too many Manhattans lol. I remember asking if he wanted a glass of water and getting it for him... So this is probably where you want to hear all the details on what happened. Sexually... I can’t. God, I want to say everything and be like, we had amazing sex and it lasted all night and blah blah blah.. No... That’s not what happened. Things happened that deserve gold metals, but whatever... I woke up at about 4 or 5 and I thought it was all some sick dream that I had. I went to the bathroom, not even looking at where he was laying. Coming out the bathroom, I saw him sleeping and my heart stopped for a second. It all hit me like lightning hitting a tree and leaving its beautiful artwork. This man chose to spend New Years with me. He is genuine, kind, honest and in my bed sleeping like that has been his side of the bed for years.

I wanted to climb in bed and hold him just so that when i fell back asleep, he wouldn’t disappear. I did, just for a moment though because I dint know if he liked to cuddle. I found out later that i totally could’ve lol.

8 o’clock... We were laying there, and we may not have been able to witness the fireworks the previous night, but we made our own that morning. What the fuck, I’m so cheesy.. This man is... Who is this man??

Have you heard of Malanda Jean-Claude? He’s my favorite writer, and his poetry will leave you completely lost in a forest of confusing, frustrating, necessary love.

I felt like he was writing our story.

This morning has an ending

So, he had to leave at some time. I mean come on now...

But that night was life awaking inside me. I have slept for so long and I didnt know I was ever going to wake up. And to top it off, I regret nothing. I know that I used some strong descriptions with this man, and I’m completely aware that i could be disappointed later, but maybe not. Who knows. Shit, it wasnt us that was making all that happen that night.

We talk everyday. Seriously, i told him that I’m obsessed with his voice. Fuck a text.

Point of the story is this. You can have plans for your life all you want.. You can fall apart and build yourself up again, and repeat this 100times before you die. But dont sleep through life. Embrace the good, accept the bad, learn, grow. And on top of all of that BE LOVED, BE BLESSED, cause your forehead is being kissed every night that you close your eyes to go to sleep. And you lips are being kissed every morning you open your eyes and take that breath.

#love #short story #malanda #new years #2018 #2017 #tinder #sacramento #california #916

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