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heauxlycoitus · 4 years

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It’s not this guy’s fault. I’m not sure what he was trying to prove. But I read his message and then I got mad at Big C church, Republicans, and people who don’t congratulate others for their personal victories.

The other thing that this triggered is how personal victories aren’t celebrated cuz the goal is the fluffing up of one’s own personal ego and the deflating of someone else’s story.

Here’s the screenshot.

Now, granted, in his profile, he did say that he was blunt and tended to be a little harsh and couldn’t deal with someone who is easily offended. I took that as–you’re just an ass and will say it’s my nature if I ever called you out on your ass-ness. Also, he said he’s German and Germans are far more direct than other cultures (true), but you still don’t need to be an ass.

Here’s the backstory. I’m fat. And exercise doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m brainy. I write. I read. I sit down. End of story. I’m not someone who says, “Wow, I’m overwhelmed with my life. Let me just go run 10 miles so I can feel better.” I say something like, “Wow, I’m overwhelmed with my life. Let me just go buy a whole tray of Oreos and eat them under my blanket with the lights dimly lit.”

So, it’s mid-March now. Since I’ve been in China for the last 15 months, the one thing I have HAD to do is go to the gym to exercise on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes 5 days a week. If I don’t, I literally will fall apart. I need routine and consistency. The machine at level 20 of 20 looking out the window and listening to my podcast was that for me.

When the Coronavirus started up, it was at the tail-end of the Chinese New Year. My gym was already closed and it basically just didn’t open back up. I could have gotten super fat and lazy again and eaten Oreos under my blanket or faced one of my fears.

Running outside.

Ever since I was a kid, even walking outside had caused me the greatest amount of agony and crippling fear. My legs would start burning like fire ants and I would cry like Mary at the tomb of Lazarus, weeping and wailing and foaming at the mouth. I remember about 12 years ago now when I first chose as an adult to do something about my exercise level (which was zero), and decided to start walking my neighborhood. I walked down the driveway, 2 mailboxes, and then walked my ass back home–about 5 minutes maybe 4 in debilitating pain. I sat on my floor and bawled my eyes out. How did my life get to this point? I was determined. And later that year I got up to 50 minutes at an out-of-breath speed.

Then I’d get fat and again and then in shape again and fat again.

Over and over. For the next decade and some change.

Then China happened. I was at my heaviest weighing in at 239 pounds on my 5-foot-6.5-inch frame wearing a too-tight size 16. I felt like shit. I looked like shit. I was not emotionally stable. I was in a really rough spot. So I quit my job, travelled to Europe taking selfies and asking random folks to snap photos of my roly-poly self just as happy as a clam. I came back, left for China, and started on the elliptical while I was even still jet-lagged.

12 months of strictly elliptical and Chinese diet and lots of therapy, I basically just melted away. The kilos kept dropping until I hit a plateau. I knew doing the same thing at this point would keep me steady, but I have goals to meet. I wanted to run again. And I couldn’t be a heavy runner cuz my knees wouldn’t be happy.

So I decided to download my running app again and see what would happen. This was about 7 weeks ago now. The first day was 6 cycles of 3 minutes run, 15 second sprint, and 2 minute walk with a warm-up and cool-down. Fast-forward 5 weeks and I was running 30 minutes non-stop! A few days after that, an ENTIRE FUCKING 5K WITH NO BREAKS!! I was over the moon. Cuz Lordt if you only knew and could feel the fire-ant pain in every muscle sinew when I barely survived my two mailbox stroll many moons before.

So, cute German messaged me asking what I was up to for the day. I sent him my screenshot of my run. About 12.75-13 minute mile for a 5k. He then sends me his. 10k in 60 minutes. And says, you need to run faster.

Bitch.

I have so many cuss words cuz he truly had the audacity. I don’t care how far, how slow, how fast, how whatever, congratulate the fucking person cuz you don’t know their fucking story. There are days when I would congratulate myself for only eating ½ a tray of Oreos cuz I used to need the whole tray to find emotional stasis again. Our accomplishments are to be measured only by the person’s story who tells it. Full stop.

I messaged him back a “well I used to not be able to run at all” response and, even now, puke in my mouth cuz I could see in myself a need to still pleading for his approval of my journey or somehow justify why my milestone was a good and amazing thing to a random dude I’ve never met and only swiped right on. What does he matter? Why do I care about pleasing him?

I bet with all that ego his dick is small and stroke game whack.

You don’t deserve to be inside me.

Not at all.

So in my mind, Republicans, hot German with blue eyes, big C church, and other self-aggrandizing douchebags are connected by this theme of not valuing people’s stories and journeys, of living in the should and the what’s-next. From the Republicans and big C church evangelicals, I hear the “Great, you’re no longer an alcoholic, but now you need to work on blah and blah in order for us to accept you and deem you good enough and worthy of Christ’s love and our fellowship.” And from douchebags like the blue-eyed hot German, I think I was supposed to be like, “Omg, you are so right. I am a slow runner. I will work and exercise more and more until I reach the level that makes you happy–oh you Tinder dude.” You, douchebag you, can now find yourself at the bottom of the waiting list of potential dudes who have earned the right and privilege to be between these thunder thighs that can run a 5k like a badass motherfucker. Y’all my ass in leggings looks so great and I’ll be damned if someone unworthy gets to glide his fingers across it and grab it with intention.

But, thanks to therapy, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Big C church, blue-eyed hot German, and self-aggrandizing breathing humans can all go fuck themselves.

Thanks, hot Germany runner, for forcing me to see me and know that I need nobody else to approve of my journey, chub, distance, and speed to the finish line.

Ms. Heauxly Coitus.

#my writing #passion #passionate #sexy af #sexuality #sexy #journal #anonymous #tinder #dating

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itsjustkaotikme · 4 years

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NaNoWriMo 2019: Someone - Day 3

Marge woke up at least five times before her alarm went off the next morning. She'd barely slept despite all her best efforts to calm her active mind. She'd read through the A's in her old school dictionary, drank hot tea, had a warm bath, but none of her usual tricks helped. She eventually settled on watching a light comedy until she was exhausted and distracted enough to doze off around 3 am. Even asleep, the day's events had worked their way into her dreams, causing her to jump awake only to drift off into another troubling dream. She rubbed her bleary eyes and checked her sleep log on her phone – 3 hours of sleep, 1 hour restless. Ugh, she grumbled, Definitely not a great start to my first, err, second day of work. She figured she may as well get up and start getting ready though.

The room was still dark, that was the worst part about this time of year, the sun taking so long to come up in the mornings. She wasn't used to having to leave the house this early, or deal with the sun being so lazy when she woke up. Even with the distraction of getting ready for work and pondering solar cycles, Marge couldn't stop her thoughts from drifting back to everything that happened the day before. Two days ago, she'd bemoaned her boring and jobless lifestyle; now, she'd very much like things to calm down just a bit. An attempted robbery, a new job, and now this strange ordeal over a simple envelope.

Ever since she got home last night, she'd been kicking herself for not opening it before she took it in to the police. When she saw it amongst her things yesterday, she'd been terrified, but by now she was certain she'd overreacted and felt very embarrassed she'd made such a fuss about it. In fact, after thinking about everything over and over last night instead of sleeping, she realized it *could have*, *maybe*, *possibly* been one off her new coworkers slipping her a friendly note. She was certain she have have noticed if someone had gotten that close to her, but maybe they'd been really sneaky? Surely this was far more likely than a sinister stalker message from a random career thief? There must be a reasonable, non-threatening explanation, right? She really needed to lay off the true crime podcasts and tv shows. She tended to gravitate towards worst-case-scenarios in general, so she really didn't need to give her overactive imagination any more material to work with.

Just the thought of getting a phone call from Officer/Detective/Whatever-His-Title-Actually-Is Luke made her feel nauseous. Had he been thinking she was being overly paranoid the whole time? If he calls just to tell me it's a welcome package from the office, I will literally crawl into a hole and never come out ever again, she silently resolved. Or maybe I should just not answer if he calls? she shook off the line of thought for the umpteenth time. Focus, Marge! .. or else you are going to be late! she chided herself as she chugged the last of her breakfast smoothie and grabbed her keys. Her roommate likely wouldn't be up for another couple hours, so she locked the door behind her when she left.

"Welcome back!" It was the manager that hired her yesterday, he greeted her cherrily as he opened the door. "Remind me before you leave to give you a keycard so you can get in and out on your own."

Marge was pretty sure his name was Mark, but didn't want to risk getting his name wrong. She smiled warmly and replied, "Thank you, and good morning!" She had decided on the way over that she should ask him about the envelope and here he was, but she couldn't seem to form the words fast enough before he started speaking again.

"I believe you got your desk and computer all set up yesterday, all your work accounts created and operational too - correct?" He asked as they walked towards the the desk she couldn't tell believe she could call hers.

"Yes! and Lucy from HR sent me some paperwork and the handbook as well," she replied. He nodded, distracted by a notification on his phone. This gave her a perfect opportunity to plan her question, she tried out a few options in her head while she traced the faux wood grain on her desk with her fingers in effort to calm her nerves.

"Sorry, had to deal with that right away, now where were we?" he asked.

"All good! I was just saying that I'm all settled in," she took a quick breath as she worked up the courage to ask, "I do have sort of a strange question," she paused to gauge his reaction, then rushed on when she saw his concerned expression. "Do you know if anyone would have put like, a welcome package, or something like that in my purse yesterday?"

He seemed surprised, then puzzled, "I don't think so, why do you ask?"

"You remember I told you about my bag getting snatched yesterday?"

He nodded.

"Well, I found an evelope in the bag when I came home, and I thought maybe the guy who snatched it put it in there, but then I wondered if maybe it somehow it came from here.. somehow..?" she trailed off her question.

"I can ask around, what was in it?" he asked.

"I don't actually know, I was pretty freaked out after everything yesterday, so I ended up taking it to the police." she replied sheepishly.

"No worries, better safe than sorry, right?" he said kindly. "I'll ask around the office and let you know if anyone here knows anything about it. What size and color was it? And did it have any markings?"

"It was.. you know what? I actually took a picture of it." she pulled out her phone and opened the app with her photos, "I can email it to you, if you'd like?"

"Sure, that's even better," he nodded as he pulled his phone out of his pocket as well. "I've got to get going, but stop by my office if you need anything. Tyler and Kate are going to help you get up to speed today, I think you met them yesterday?"

"Yep, I'll let them know I'm here," she answered. He gave an absentminded thumbs up and started walking away. "Sorry, I know you need to go, but I don't think I have your email address," she called after him.

"Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting you're new!" he grinned as he turned back. She smiled bacc while tapping the side of her phone in preparation to type his reply as quickly no accurately as possible to appease the the blue line blinking impatiently in the address field on her phone. "It's Mathew at SMSolutions dot com," he said pausing after each part to let her typing catch up. She repeated it back, and he nodded.

"Okay, sent!"

"Got it," he said a few seconds later.

"Thanks for checking into this, Mathew!" she was so glad she avoided using names earlier, mentally reprimanding herself for getting his so wrong.

"Yeah, anytime," he smiled, then made his way to his office.

Mathew the manager, she thought while picturing him in her mind. She'd read about this strategy to commit faces and names to long term memory somewhere online one sleepless night a couple months ago, and now she was hoping it was based on something scientifically sound. She now has a whole company's worth of faces and names to keep straight, after all. Tyler and Kate were easy to remember, since she'd spent most of the day working with them yesterday. Maybe one of them put the thing in my bag? she wondered.

#nanowrimo2019 #nanowrimo #november challenge #daily writing

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the-bounce-back · 5 years

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THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART II - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR BODY/APPEARANCE

This is post 2/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

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Before I start...Yes, I am fully aware that it’s been three months since I said I would post more regularly. Yes, things have been shit in my life for a minute, and you probably know that I hate writing when I’m in a bad place. No, I’m not going to address it right now - probably in a future post though.

Cool. Safe. On to the good stuff.

Ever since I started this blog, I knew I wanted to do a post (or even multiple posts!) about confidence in your body, body image and getting to a point where you can look in the mirror and confidently look past your “flaws” and say “yeah… I’m that b*tch”. But truthfully speaking, I’ve been kind of struggling with figuring out how best to approach the subject.

Although I keep reiterating that I write these posts mostly for myself to express my thoughts and feelings on certain topics, I really wanted to make sure that this topic in particular was written in such a way that it can apply to anyone reading it. This, simply due to the fact that the insecurities I’ve battled over the years in relation to my body and appearance made me feel extremely alone, and it took me a very long time to understand and accept that - shock horror - I wasn’t the only one with crippling insecurities that I let limit myself.

Obviously, now this embarrassingly obvious, but I genuinely think that it took me longer to comprehend it due to that pretty much regardless of what situation I’m in, I’m always different to the norm in some way. My skin, hair, build and other physical features have always and probably will always set me apart from my peers regardless of where they are from, and this whole jOuRnEy has been about learning to accept and eventually love these differences and uniqueness. I want everyone reading this to come away from this post feeling the same way - that you, too, can learn how to love every aspect of your appearance regardless of what your “flaws” are, as an effort to boost your confidence and as a fat middle finger to a society that literally feeds off of our insecurities.

I’ll be using my former insecurities and anonymous examples of other people’s insecurities to illustrate my point, and hopefully you can find something that resonates with you and can help change your perspective on your physical appearance and body.

1. Consider taking time away from social media.

Who else remembers when Instagram first launched, and the “popular page” being clogged up with #thighgaps, #thinspo and #fitspo? I definitely do, because it was at this time in my life that my body image was at its absolute worst. I was very young at the time, and although it makes me sick to admit it, I let all those likes on the photos of thin and petite bodies get to my head and made me hate myself and my body for a very long time.

Looking back on it, I try (and fail) to not beat myself up over letting validation through likes, comments and followers ruin my self-esteem to the extent that it did - but what’s important is that I’ve gotten over it now, and I strongly believe it was due to my decision to take an indefinite hiatus from the app. Without the constant reminder that my body deviates from social media’s (often unrealistic) beauty standards, I definitely feel that learning to appreciate and love my body without something to compare it to came naturally, as opposed to feeling forced to just accept it - a mistake that I feel that many people make in the body positivity movement.

For me, putting some distance between myself and beauty standards online has really allowed me to see how harmful, contradictory and negatively influential social media can actually be - big shocker, I know. It’s no wonder that our generation of young women often struggle with extremely negative views of their own bodies - we literally get indirectly (and sometimes directly!) attacked regardless of how we look.

Naturally skinny? Honey, you’re anorexic.

A few kilos overweight? Babes, you are obese and if you don’t stop eating, you will die!!!11!1

Very curvy? B*tch, I know you’ve had work done.

Not curvy at all? Sweetie, you look like a boy.

In other words… we can’t win, and I’m sick of it. Recognizing that I would most likely (definitely) be somewhat affected (completely destroyed) by these beauty standards and peace’ing out early from Instagram is hands down the best choice I’ve ever made in terms of building my confidence. I can definitely say that due to this choice, I can now look at other womens bodies and appreciate the beauty of them, without letting it undermine my own beauty by cOmPaRiNg ThEm.

Who knows - maybe I’ll rejoin Insta one day, now that I know for sure that these illusions of perfection won’t get to me. I’ll keep it real though… considering I can barely manage to post regularly on here/my other socials, it’s probably a no.

2. Ensure that all changes you make are for yourself, and yourself alone.

This is a bit of a sticky one, and I appreciate that not everyone will agree with me on this. Luckily for me, it’s my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want.

Regardless of what your insecurity/insecurities with your body and appearance are, I’m a firm believer that you are 100% entitled to deal with this insecurity in any way that you see fit. This should be a no brainer - you’re the one dealing with the distress of whatever you’re insecure about, so why should you care what anyone has to say with your coping method?

The way I see it, it’s not the actual notion of doing whatever you want to feel secure in your body that causes division, but the actual coping method in itself. On one hand, we have those that are in favour of using ‘quick fixes’ (i.e. surgery) to achieve the body/features you want to have in order to feel secure. On the other hand, we have the gym goers and body positivity activists that adamantly argue that using invasive methods to change your body is a) not body positive at all (some even go as far as saying that surgery has to imply severe body dysmorphia and self-hate), and b) that not opting for changing your body through exercise and a hEaLtHy DiEt is lazy and implies psychological weakness.

Now - I’m really not here to argue about which one is the “right” or “wrong”, because I honestly believe it isn’t as simple as that. It’s important to remember that we’ve all had different experiences in life that have led to our confidence levels being as high or low as they are, so I really don’t understand why we feel the need to comment and judge other people on how they choose to combat their issues.

Do whatever the f*ck you want with your body - as long as you’re doing it for yourself and not for anyone else's satisfaction/validation.

When I say ‘someone else’s satisfaction/validation’, I mean letting yourself be policed by other people’s thoughts and feelings about your body/appearance - or altering your body/appearance in a way for someone else’s benefit than just your own. Yes, completely shutting other people's opinions out when you’re considering making changes is easier said than done - but the earlier you learn how to do this and understand that people are going to have their opinions regardless of what you do, the better.

Personally speaking, I often feel a little sad that I spent most of my teenage years/early 20s worrying so much about other people’s opinions on what I did with my body to boost my confidence - and not even just in terms of working out/staying in shape. The amount of tattoo/piercing/hairstyle/hair colour ideas I felt I had to shoot down because of fear of what my parents, friends, colleagues and mEn would think genuinely breaks my heart a little. I think it’s because I can look back on it and see how my obsession with how others perceived me ended up overtaking my own happiness and self-confidence.

Luckily for me, I now associate myself with likeminded people that agree with and encourage people’s individuality and autonomy over their bodies. The notion of doing whatever floats yer boat and makes you feel good about yourself in this life has now become the centre of attention in all aspects of life - and that includes doing whatever you want to do with your body. I’ll drink to that!

Anyways. Devise a 20h/week workout plan and low carb diet. Save up for the surgery. Cut and dye your hair. Get the piercing that’s always intrigued you, and take it out 2 days later if you don’t like it. You get the point. As long as it’s your life, your body and your appearance, do whatever the f*ck you want, because life really is too short to risk lying on your deathbed and wishing you had taken the opportunity to do something for your own satisfaction while you had the chance.

“But Liv! Telling people to alter their appearance to feel better about themselves isn’t body positive at all! How can you promote such?!”

Again, this section isn’t about blindly accepting your body for what it is if you’re not inclined to do so. Whilst we all ideally would be confident enough to leave our bodies in their natural state and not care, the sad reality is that it is actually really hard for most to just accept it. My point is that we should do whatever we want with our bodies to feel happy and confident, because life really is too short to hate the skin that you’re in and care about what other people think. ¿Entiendes?

(Of course, you should always care about what professionals (e.g. doctors, dieticians, surgeons) have to say - but I’m sure you get that. Do your research and stay safe before making choices, because if you come crying to me I won’t be listening.)

3. There is something very empowering about embracing your “flaws”.

I think everyone can relate to letting their “flaws” and insecurities hold them back in any type of way.

It can literally be anything - not wearing certain outfits/not having your hair parted a certain way/not doing certain makeup looks/not wanting to show a certain body part because someone at some point gave you the idea that it’s uNfLatTeRiNg when you do it, either directly or indirectly. Either way, it is up to you to determine how you react to criticism of this sort. Most of us (myself included) fall into the trap of just blindly accepting it and doing everything within our power to hide/conceal whatever the thing is - no questions asked.

This is where we’re all going wrong, because why do we care so much about what other people have to say about our natural appearance? Why do we let others dictate how we should present our bodies in order to be considered attractive? It don’t make no sense, luv.

I’m really saying all this like I wasn’t relaxing my hair every 3 months, using tons of makeup to conceal my deep set eyes, wearing clothes that didn’t cling to my stomach or hating how hench my thighs and shoulders are, because I wasn’t conventionally beautiful - at least not in the way that Swedish society dictated at the time. Spending a large time of your life convinced that you are ugly and trying to change things about yourself that make you unique is incredibly hard to break away from - but it is definitely possible and I have made amazing progress with this, and I hope you can too.

Basically, you need to force yourself to let go of all notions of what is considered beautiful and start from scratch with your own body as the bench-mark for beauty. You need to regard your appearance without any kind of input or influence from an external source. Without anything to compare to, how can you not find yourself beautiful? It really is that simple.

I’m definitely kidding, by the way. It’s really f*cking difficult - but it gets easier over time. It’s all about how willing you are to be uncomfortable with your appearance for a while until you’ve gotten used to it, and can work towards loving it. For example, when I decided to cut back heavily on makeup, it took an insane amount of time to get used to seeing my chubby face without painted on cheekbones and perfectly angled eyebrows - now I actually prefer my face without makeup. When I decided to start ignoring that my belly is pretty much visible regardless of what I wear, it took so long to stop trying to subconsciously cover it up, but now I wear whatever the f*ck I want - and look sexy af while doing so.

Etc, etc. You get the point.

The way I see it, letting go of the media’s/society’s notion of what beauty is, forcing yourself to get comfortable with the body you’re born into by any means you see fit and learning how to embrace your “flaws” as something positive that makes you unique are the main keys to becoming very confident in your skin. Of course, everyone has different notions of what body confidence entails, and I’m not really here to dispute anyone else’s theories.

As long as you’re learning to love what you see in the mirror, not letting your body be policed/criticised by irrelevant audiences and not trying to make changes for anyone else but yourself - I definitely reckon you’re on the right track to loving yourself in the way that you deserve.

Finally - showing how confident and in love with yourself you are has a positive effect on everyone around you, attracts more positive energy and empowers others to love themselves - this is literally a win-win situation, and I really hope you take the time to build this for yourself.

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #selflove #Empowerment #goals #opinions

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