#mention me to your therapists

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[crybaby-bkg]

Dabi is surprisingly a lightweight. You honestly would’ve never figured by looking at him, but as you think back on it, you’ve never really seen him drink a lot. Not when there were celebratory parties, or when things didn’t go right for him. It’s why you’re so shocked when you convince two shots into his system, why he suddenly looks so loose, why his grin splits so wide.

He’s a clinger, you’ve also learned as you’ve started observing the blue eyed man where he shoves his face into the crook of your neck. His body bends over almost uncomfortably to fit into the position, and you can’t help but flinch a little when his damp breath blows a quiet little raspberry on your flesh.

omg wait my favorite thought is of you not even necessarily being a heavyweight, you can just handle your liquor a little better than anyone expects. you love to knock back drink after drink, convince Dabi into some stupid competition that he falls for because he’s such a little nerd and secretly wants to impress you. he does it thinking you’ll be the drunk one first, the one hanging off of his arm and hopefully his dick by the end of the night.

it belatedly shocks him when it’s the exact opposite. when he’s slurring a little and smiling at you, when you watch him through low eyes with a wide grin, when he wraps himself around you like a python, when you shake his face gently as you squish his cheeks together in hand. he’s just so utterly obsessed with you in these moments, and maybe it’s the liquor in him, but he knows his lowered inhibitions are only bringing forth the feelings he’s always suppressed.

drunk sex with Dabi where he’s the one too loose limbed and limp and weak. he flops onto bed like some rag doll with his arms and legs spread wide, but he musters up enough strength to release the heavy weight of his cock from its confinements. doesn’t do much besides lift his head from the pillows with a point to his crotch and a lazy grin, an announcement of, go ahead and hop on already before he’s flopping back down again, ready to lay back and get fucked like how he knows he deserves.

#at first I wrote about him getting whisky dick and not even realizing it and being so embarrassed about it the next morning #but it made me laugh too hard and I was like #no one will enjoy that dude shut up AJSHDKDJDJD #but omg lightweight baby that can only cling to you and whine to go back to your room to fuck #only to pass out immediately on the bed lmfao #I love him I’m gonna str*ngle him so bad #anyway I finished all my work for the week and now I feel empty so I will be moving onto next weeks work tomorrow LOL NERD #but everything next week is simple too so why not get it out the way ya know???? #after that I might sit down and actually write another fic since it’s been a little minute #everyone voted for therapist obsessed bkg next but I kinda wanna write something emotional for touya now lmfao #I’m becoming so obsessed with him and it HURTS!!!!! #I can only handle one ☝🏻 at a time or else I start getting the shakes #also omg my regular dr is making me go to the heart dr bc she said my anxiety worries her for my physical condition aksjdj embarrassing #okay bye I’m gonna read a little and sleep #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #dabi treats! 🍬 #tw: alchohol mention

[weird-unlimited-ramblings]

I feel like what hurts me most about Sparrow being all “I’m not proud of you” isn’t that he said it, cause I could already kinda guess that from the first scene.

It’s just that normal doesn’t seem to have had any inclination of it prior. Like, to him that’s just his dad being his dad. Not his dad trying to nudge him into being more normal.

And that’s exactly why Normal believes his dad hates him (at least in my mind). Cause as humans we are built to remember the bad as a way of survival, and normal probably can only think about the times he’s seen his dad cringe and how he’s so stupid for just thinking his dad was worried (even if he was worried and not in fact cringing.) like every memory gets corrupted with this new realization. When Teeny won the mascot contest was your dad actually smiling at how happy you were or was he just avoiding a scene, Did he actually enjoy watching those anime movies with you and hero when you were little or are you misremembering, was your uncle trying to warn you that you shouldn’t trust when your dad says he loves you, and so on and so on.

#dungeons and daddies #dndads #dndaddies #normal oak swallows garcia #normal oak #sparrow oak swallows garcia #sparrow oak garcia #I mentioned lark and hero but I’m not gonna tag them cause it’s more father son focused #this is also coming from someone who overthinks everything #if this is confusing I’m sorry #like when Lincoln places together all the little sniper stuff his dad did #honestly that’s probably why part of me doesn’t like sparrow #y’know I love sparrow but I don’t want to show him off to people #I don’t even dislike him though #you think my therapist would let me figure out what I feel about sparrow in a session #another good example might be Nick getting all of his memories of Glenn back #you love your dad but you have an example of a father that is at least from what we know so much better #Honestly Nick and Normal might need to talk about looking back at memories with new knowledge

[ickypuppi3]

there’s something about the events leading up to billy being flayed that i can’t stop thinking about

like you’ve got this 17 year old who gets sent out to look for his little sister and he winds up at a much older woman’s house where he essentially has to flirt with her to get the information he needs and she reciprocates, all while knowing he’s underage

then the whole situation at the byers happens and no one sees it the way billy does, no one except for him seems to realise that it’s fucking weird for steve to be in the middle of nowhere with a group of kids while lying about it, no one believes billy and he still comes out worse in the end with him being even more isolated than he already was

and then you move onto season 3 and you have the first episode where a newly 18 year old billy is introduced by being sexualised and objectified by a group of women way older than him, karen included, and it’s made obvious that they had to have learnt his work schedule by the way they talk and that they do this often which.. yeah

then billy goes up to karen and she reciprocates his flirting once again and agrees to meet up with him later with the full intention of having sex with him out at some motel somewhere, despite knowing his age

and it’s so wild to me that all of this predatory behaviour is what actually lead to billy crashing his car - he was literally on his way to see karen when it happened, that’s the only reason he was ever there - and that all of this grooming is essentially what lead to billy being attacked in such a brutal way that is so reminiscent of sa

then there’s the scene after he gets dragged to the basement where he manages to call 911 and he doesn’t answer when asked what his emergency is because he doesn’t know what to say/doesn’t think he’ll even be believed which is all too common among victims

and then you circle back to the night at the byers, the night where billy’s seen as irrational for thinking anything’s off, where he ends up being the person ‘in the wrong’ and where all of that happened right after karen started being predatory towards him and the first time he was (unknowingly) in a situation relating to the upside down

i have a lot of thoughts

something about the chain of events leading up to billy being flayed, about how everything is so interconnected and how that works when you’re looking at it in this specific way

something about grooming, something about victims not being believed, something about billy in particular never being believed and people blaming things on how he acts rather than seeing that the way he acts is a direct result of things that have happened to him

something about how he’s immediately isolated after the fight at the byers, something about how isolated he is after he’s attacked, the way his demeanour changes when he leaves karen’s house, how his behaviour seems to change after the byers, and how his behaviour changes completely once he’s attacked

how all of it fits this allegory, right from the start

#yes his reaction afterwards but also the events leading up to it #billy hargrove #cw grooming #cw assault #cw sa mention #yeah i’m still on this #like something about the mindflayer being a metaphor for karen being a metaphor for the whole process of grooming and eventually sa #something about how abuse victims are more likely to have something like this happen #something about not being able to deal with the after affects and no one helping #something about how experiences like that isolate you #and the fact billy quite literally kills himself at the end #idk call me crazy but it’s there #i could go into the whole ‘it’s like a shadow’ thing #considering my therapist and i literally had a whole conversation about how you can see shit that isn’t there due to trauma #like your brain is so stressed that it makes up something to be scared of #it’s all there ! #and then it’s like #the fact i know they didn’t do it on purpose #considering they use the whole karen billy situation as a funny #and yk it’s the duffers #really hate them for that #if you see any spelling mistakes no you don’t #does this make sense? i hope it makes sense #it’s one of those things that’s been stuck in my brain and that whole talk yesterday brought it back full force

[ink-asunder]

Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.

#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here. #ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i- #-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up- #-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“ #not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK #like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college #im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd. #also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds! #why am i being forced to do it again? #also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough #for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why- #-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol #its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life #demand avoidance #medical demand avoidance #chronic illness burnout #chronic illness #chronic pain #medical tw #ptsd #disability #medical neglect #medical trauma #vent #this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first #idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.

[thenotsolittlelady]

How do I get things done?

How do I not get stressed about one thing I have to do and have it keep me from accomplishing anything else? How do I manage to buy groceries and take my cat to the vet and still sit down to draw? How do other artists do studies, finish personal work and other projects, cramp in appointments, chores, handle social media and keep in touch with friends without feeling absolutely stressed out...? I can't figure it out. I can only do one of these things in a day and... I don't get it. What is your secret

#wondering what is wrong with me #I've tried making lists #making a schedule #it's not helping #I'll have breakfast and suddenly it's 11 am and I have take a walk and also shower at some point and of course my livestream starts at 9pm #and don't forget to eat and text your friends and there's a letter you gotta send and this email needs a response #oh you wanted to draw or write? sorry day's over get some sleep we'll try again tomorrow #only that it'll be the exact same thing tomorrow #and if I'm real lucky I'll be in a bad mood and manage to accomplish even less than usual #and did I mention I'm not even working? #other people can do it so why. am. I. so. bad. at. this?? #something to bring up with my therapist I suppose

[theoldaeroplane]

(pawing through the Hallmark cards) (muttering) where's the "i scored over my dr's diagnostic criteria for PTSD" section?

#more accurately cptsd but im american so im not allowed to have that as a real diagnosis #anyway i talked at length with my therapist about how i never know how to answer a lot of the ptsd screening questions #but i did my best not to minimize my symptoms---i have strikingly little memory of childhood #im frequently interrupted by thoughts of my childhood or parents #i will go way out of my way to avoid things that remind me of said childhood #etc #like i cant tell you how many times a day my brain does the equivalent of ramming a bowl of smelling salts under my nose #but i just never mentioned it bevause. i mean how do you do that. #how do you explain 'i saw a truck that looked a little like my dad's earlier and it ruined my day' #'oh did your dad do something to you or did something bad happen in the truck?' #'uh .... not .... really...?' #anyway idk. it was sort of a relief to hear i scored over the You Are Fucked Up threshold

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

#i have adhd ptsd and depression myself #and im not sure if physciatrists are misunderstanding (ima be honest ive lost a lot of my faith in them for stuff like this) again #or if its just a coincidental overlap in the presentation of the conditions #it would honestly make a lot of sense to me though #a lot of physciatrists and therapists agree that bpd is a trauma disorder #it almost feels like what happens if you recieve the trauma that would cause DID (i have DID as well) but #but either at an older age or without the necessary capacity for dissociation required #the reason i say adhd is because the link between adhd and depression seems heavily overlooked #not to mention the effects of adhd in adulthood #given that bpd is a trauma disorder im guessing a lot of people with the condition were neglected by their parents to some degree #not necessarily all but enough that adhd symptoms in childhood would go undiagnosed #and once youre an adult its much harder to get a diagnosis #youre more likely to be diagnosed with things like depression and bipolar disorder #because its gone on so long that its sort of metastasized into more har. #*more harmful conditions #i could be totally wrong about the adhd thing #i just think that its unacceptable how ineffective the treatments are for it #feel free to tell me about your experiences with the condition if you have bpd #that includes self diagnosed people too btw. anyone with bpd #i know a lot of people who suffer needlessly because doctors are incompetent so im just really passionate about this

[explodingstarlight]

the universe has had 23 years to smite me and it's yet to succeed,,, so now i get cake

#you'll never guess what day it is #is this my amphibia/frogsona? yes #am i basically playing chicken with my amphibia moots/followers at this point? also yes #i thrive on the knowledge that soon enough my art is going to jumpscare them on their feed :) #because i never mentioned i made an account >:) /devious #will i post my amphibia art on here?? 👀 perhaps #i'm hyperfixating hard on rottmnt at the moment so i'm appreciating having a blog dedicated pretty solely to it #but if the people demand it #i can supply some frogs (and possessed teens what who said that) #anyway happy birthday to me ig #amphibia #frogsona #my art #personal art #explodingstar art #btw her name is scrunch and she likes arson #a fun game for you to play with your therapist- who can find my insta and twitter the fastest ready set go #theming is consistent but username is not #good luck :)c

[trannakinskywalker]

.

#s.a. mention incoming-> #I'm realising ng more and more i need to maybe get professional help im just being a pussy about it #last time i tried the therapist (who was from israel but i didn't know wjen i booked her) immediately victim blamed me #for my own assault when i was crying telling her what happened #literally the only person i had told at that point even though it was a year and a hakf later #it was so vile how are you gonna ask someone what THEY did to make that situation happen #ig it gave me trust issues with therapists bcs i havent tries ti find one again but atp #i need to talk with someone i feel lik i am nearing a breaking point as certsin habits and patterns are accumulating #i can recognise this migt lead somewhere bad tje pattenrs never lie! #this is such a pointless rant and i am mad bevause i was doing so well #the last thing i need to be cruel to myself #i need to find someone that isnt just going to say oh wow youre so self aware ok that'll be $150 #like bro i am slipping

[7-oh-ta1]

Been trying to working on my trust issues thru writing and here's the problem: I think everything I say makes sense how does everyone else not think this way

#lindsay speaks #// vent ish #like yk usually therapist say it's coming from an irrational fear but i don't feel like I'm being irrational i think I'm very logical #like i mentioned recently i don't believe in absolutes especially in relationships and the counselor I was talking to was baffled ghhghfh #''not even your family?'' girl especially??? what are we talking about #and then it was how do you know if you don't try / every person is different every relationship is and it's like yeah #but someone always leaves first there's no other end to this story yadayada so then it's it's normal for relationships to only last a seaso #like ok so you agree there are no absolutes and shes like wait no. ok so what gives. there's no such thing as unconditional love #there's always conditions. there's always exceptions. there's always an end. and the majority of the time it's a bloody one. #so really why treat anything seriously.... it will never last soooo... i give up #literally everytime i have said ''yk what... I'm going to trust them. if they say nothing's wrong then nothing's wrong. if I'm loving them #wrong they will let me know. if they hate me they will tell me. stop worrying stop worrying!!'' and then it's always [ #[psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation] #and I'm left feeling like what the fuck is reality what is going on and they're like ''yk you're just not fun anymore'' and throw me away #meanwhile I'm still laying there in the garbage bin confused as fuck !!!!!!!! what the hell !!!!!! I'm not fun anymore because I'm hurt?? #and confused??? #so no. absolutes do not exist. and people will leave you for reasons such as ''too emotional'' or ''no fun anymore'' #and I've accepted that. i guess it's trying to unaccept it that i struggle with. #because logically. it just makes sense. #and it's ruining my life that i can't trust anyone #and I'm right about it. #and if it's not a universal truth then... it's just me. and I'm cursed #my b lemme stop being so not fun then.

[yourcalamity]

i just carry a lot of bitterness right now but no matter how much things hurt i have to keep going and if i dont communicate and talk about my feelings then its my fault but every time i have tried to have a serious conversation it cant just go bad it has to go so badly that i want to open up even less, and if i do that whose fault is it? mine. salt and bleach and draino and fire ants and franks red hot directly into the wound on a regular basis

#like at what point can i talk about how severely i am struggling without someone laughing in my face #at what point can i talk to my friends about my struggles and actually be heard and not spoken over #at what point am i more to my mother than a therapist #life is still good and getting better and it will get better and i will do something soon to change these issues #i just feel like ive made the same cry for help a million times and everyone just wantss the problem to go away #without having to actually do anything about it #at what point can you tell me the problem is me not letting my guard down without tearing me apart or treating me like a joke #or treating me like all my problems are not serious or treating me like an idiot for not doing what you think i should be doing #which is literally what i am doing as you tell me #im pulling random examples from memories from the past few years #but it just sucks genuinely. its like openibg your door to a beautiful spring morning and then a brick hits you in the face instantly #and then the person who threw the brick is angry that the brick hurt you #then if you ever mention the brick again they get even more pissed. WELL STOP THROWINGBIT THEN…

[daz4i]

blegh. it's been a few years but i'm still so mad at my old therapist for screwing me over this much in the long run

#you are a THERAPIST your job is to do THE OPPOSITE of that. #i might meet my psychiatrist earlier than expected bc i've been doing Bad and. she really wanted me to start therapy before our next meetin #but i'm genuinely so scared to contact anyone i can find/the number she gave me askjdfdhfg #i've been rejected by too many mental health workers at this point 😐 #and usually when they hear i'm this suicidal they chicken out which. girl this is why i contacted you... #isn't this supposed to be your job... ummmm. #(not to mention most therapists don't wanna work with bpd in the first place so i'm choosing from a smaller pool already) #anyway. i'm angry. and scared

[possibly-eli]

i dont understand what about this is so difficult for people to comprehend:

i just kinda want my thoughts on opinions on MY OWN HEALTH to be entertained instead of immediately disregarded

like. im 17. i shouldnt be having back pain so often. i shouldnt be having such severe leg pain. i shouldnt be dealing with such shitty hand joints. but FUCK ME i guess i dont get a say in jack SHIT about my own health!!!!! because what i say means fuck all!!!!! ok man!!!! whatever i guess!!!!!!!

#its shit like THIS that makes me TERRIFIED to bring shit up to my therapist #i cant tell her if i have an idea on what might be wrong with me because shell probably just NOT LISTEN TO ME #because thats what my LAST therapist did #and what my mother CONSTANTLY DOES #FUCK #this is why i have to self-diagnose by the fucking way #not that its any of your goddamn business what we do and why #its because of Trauma and Stigma and the fact we already Have autism so apparently. according to The Law or something #that means i cant be mentally ill in any Other way #so i GUESS ill go Fuck myself and have to deal with only being self-diagnosed with adhd. and atypical depression #and c-ptsd. for the rest of my life #and not get any treatment for anything despite it directly impacting my quality of life #and maybe being connected to my shitty memory issues #but lmaoooo that doesnt matter lol lmao rofl fuck this guy this guy doesnt know what hes talking about #how could any mentally ill person have an idea on whats wrong with them Thats Not How It Works #did i mention that that was a mindset i had btw #i dunno where i picked it up but probably from my parents #“a mentally ill person doesnt know theyre mentally ill” thats the stupidest shit ive heard in my life #also im not going to debate the validity of my mental illness with you #i have npd. that is a fact because of LITERALLY. FUCKING EVERTHING #im just not pursuing a Professional Diagnosis at this time because it wont do anything for me and itll be more trouble than its worth #and if i have my knowledge on That questioned i might Actually kill myself

[knightoflove]

Do you ever have someone say something to/about you and go ‘yeah this is gonna stick around for a while’

#I was joking about how my new fear is getting food poisoning. that I think everything is going to make me sick #we were deciding something to eat and I just joked like ‘this is my newest fear my brain is obsessing over isn’t that inconvenient lol’ #but my mom just goes ‘I can’t do this right now. I can’t deal with your stuff right now’ and walks out #and like yeah she’s feeling bad but… that really hurt #like I try SO HARD to not be annoying to my parents #I already feel like a failure as is #I’ve shut up about having trouble at work #I try not to complain about finances #I feel like I can’t even talk to them anymore. like I’m always pestering them #trust that I would move out if I could. if I had a job that paid enough or friends that were looking for roommates #or both #I’d move out. #but I can’t. #vent tw #illness mention #I can’t wait to see my therapist

[perenlop]

rewatching quinton reviews icarly series and the people in the comments fucking deepthroating nickelodeon and being like “i’m sure the writers had no idea about jennette mccurdy’s abuse and eating disorder dont be mean to them over it!!” as if mccurdy hasn’t said that her mom not only openly abused her in front of the writers, but the studio itself participated in it by allowing it to happen and even refused to pay her for her work if im reading her wiki page correctly? not to mention dan schnieder is a known freak and the writers KNEW she had an eating disorder bc she was fucking hospitalized and they had to write around it and STILL had several episodes digging down on sam’s binge eating and abusive mother.

#like. yes the character of sam wouldve been written before jeanette was brought on but if they can phase out spencer's art #they can phase out triggering aspects of a character so that a child is not being harmed as much #and also playing ed's and abusive moms as a joke is bad anyways like i can say that those aspects made me uncomfortable as a kid #someone was also like ''well the writers dont need to be therapists'' and ''well mccurdy is rich who cares'' and like. #wow empathy really goes out the window once it means criticizing a show from your childhood huh #eating disorder mention #ed mention #abuse mention #echoed voice #also its in character for dan bc hes a fucking freak who was already making minors act out his kinks on kids shows #and who thought making fun of abuse victims on the show was peak comedy. how do u think he's reacting to his abused child actor #reaching out for help or being abused in front of him. hes not doing anything that means he'll get less money