#mickey fans getting mad at us will never not be funny like girl that’s the same person except mickey did say slurs
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#i thought about steve and billy having ian and mickeys love story and now i can’t function#so i need to get it out of my system#mickey fans getting mad at us will never not be funny like girl that’s the same person except mickey did say slurs#mickeys forced wedding but with billy and steve… what you and i have makes me free… i need to lay down#i think steve would recite his vows exactly how ian did 🥹#and billy too. oh my god. he’d be so serious about it because he wants to get something right for once#cool now i’m crying !!!#why do i do this to myself#my post#harringrove
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Film Challenge
Okay guys. Finally did it. As requested.
Have you ever left a theater before the movie was over?
Yes. Only once.
If you ever left a theater what was playing: Savages
Craziest (Random) movie you’ve ever seen:
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
“And thanks for all the fish” -Dolphins
Most disturbing film you’ve ever watched:
Crimson Peak
A film you only watched because (Tom Hiddleston ) was in it: Crimson Peak
A minor role (or movie) with a major actor you greatly enjoyed: Sebastian Stan as Jefferson/The Mad Hatter in Once Upon A Time.
A minor role (or movie) with a major actress you greatly enjoyed: Emma Watson as Pauline Fossil in Ballet Shoes
A movie everyone should see at least once: The Princess Bride
A movie you thought everyone has seen but apparently not: Who framed Roger Rabbit?
A movie you’ve tried multiple times to watch but never get through it: Silence if the Lambs
A movie that legitimately surprised you:
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. While it came out in 1980 I didn’t see it until much later obviously. I wasn’t even ten when I watched it the first time, I and was genuinely shocked.
Movie that you enjoy, that surprises people you enjoy: Scream (1996)
A movie you associated with Religion and it turns out that tracks: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
A movie you watched a lot as a kid but your not sure why exactly you watched it so much:
Hook. (And) The Sandlot.
My first movie that made me question my sexualité: The Priâtes of the Caribbean.
Sections
Anime
First Anime: Fruits Basket. Vampire Knight.
Anime I watched with my (brother): Full Metal Alchemist
Anime I tried to get into and couldn’t: D Gray Man
Anime I was surprised I enjoyed: The Neverland Promise. (And) Soul Eater
Anime I always liked (even when it confused people): Black Butler
Anime that makes me cry: Your lie in April
Anime that I love but now makes me sad too: Sword Art Online
Anime I’m just not into: One Piece
One that was recommended that I enjoyed:
Blue Exorcist
One that was recommended that I was ehh on and did not finish: Attack on Titian
One I probably should watch: Pandora Hearts
One I watched Randomly : Castlevania
One that I did not watch until (college) that everyone seems to have watched: Sailor Moon
Cartoons
Cartoons Everyone should see:
- The Peanuts.
- Garfield.
- Scooby Doo.
- Tom and Jerry.
- Pink Panther.
Cartoon I never liked: Spongebob
Cartoon I hate now: Kiayu? Idk. The one with the bald kid that whines a lot. Ugh.
Cartoon I can make myself ‘watch’ with the (niece/nephews): Paw Patrol
Films you would Recommend:
80s: The Breakfast Club
Book Adaption 80s: The Outsiders
Murder Mystery:Murder on the Oriental Express
Jim Henson pick: Labyrinth
(Suicide) Satire:Heathers
Romance: Titanic
‘Horror’ Movie: The Lost boys
Horror Movie: The Nightmare on Elm Street
Spy Flick: Saint (1997)
Mind trips: The Sixth Sense.(1999) Donnie Darko.
Stephen King: The Dark Tower
Stephen King Miniseries: Rose Red
Studio Ghibli: Howls Moving Castle. Or. Kiki’s Delivery Service.
Action Comedy: Miss Congeniality
Adventure Comedy: Jumanji
‘Dark’ Comedy: The Addams Family
Romantic Comedy: Legally Blonde
Tim Burton
Tim Burton Animated: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Tim Burton Live Action: Edward Scissorhand
Tim Burton Musical: Sweeney Todd
Dreamworks
Favorite Dreamwork’s Film:
Rise of the Guardians (and) How to Train your Dragon
Disney:
Unpopular Recommendations:
The Black Cauldron (and) The Great Mouse Detective
One that is still rather disturbing: Pinocchio
Best Soundtrack (Golden Age): Fantasia
Best Soundtrack (Modern): IDk?!
Classics (Golden) everyone should see at least once: Snow White (and) Bambi.
Wartime Era Pic: The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr.Toad
Silver Age or Bronze Age: Both!!!
Disney Renaissance or Post Renaissance: Both! If I absolutely had to choose though, Renaissance.
Moana or Lilo and Stitch: Lilo and Stitch
Frozen or Tangled: Both
Soul or Monsters Inc: Monsters Inc
Toy Story I and 2/ or/ 3 and 4? Toy Story I and 2.
Underrated: Candleshoe
Disney Holiday:
Live Action Halloween - Hocus Pocus
Live Action Halloween Series- Halloweentown
Animated Halloween- Frakenweenie
Live Action Christmas- Miracle on 34th Street (and) Eloise
Animated Christmas- Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas, Mickey’s Twice Upon a Christmas, (and) Winnie the Pooh: A very merry Pooh year.
New: The Nutcracker and the Four Realms. (2018)
Disney Reimagined/Live Action:
First that made you rethink the story: Maleficent
Favorite ‘Princess’ Story: Beauty and the Beast
The Surprise: Cruella
The one you worried about but we’re happy with in the end: Lady and the Tramp
The one you worried about but ending up enjoying anyway: Aladdin
The one that was good but you could have done without: The Lion King (which really surprised me!!!I like it but I didn’t love it. Which for me was so strange since I’m a fan of the original and the play.)
The one you had high hopes for and had a mixed reaction too: Mulan. (Ended up really liking it, but I miss Mushu. )
‘Modern’ Shakespeare Adaption:
10 Thing I hate About You (The Taming of the Shrew)
Clueless (Emma)
and
The Lion King Series. (Kid appropriate)
The Lion King: Hamlet
The Lion King 1 1/2: Rosencrantz and Guildenstein
The Lion King 2: Romeo and Juliet
Vampire Pictures:
90s: Interview with a Vampire
2000+: Twilight Series
Tv Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Vampire Action Series: Underworld
Classic: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Dracula with a Twist: Dracula Untold (2014)
Fun Supernatural Flicks :
Witches: The Craft
Male Witches: The Covenant
Fairytale: Red Riding Hood (2011)
Ghost Hunters: Ghostbusters
Multiple Supernatural: Van Helsing (2014)
Werewolf Romance: Blood and Chocolate
Kid Friendly Live Action: Casper
Kid Friendly Animated: Hotel Transylvania
Supernatural Series:
Multi: Supernatural
Animated: Sabrina The Teenage Witch. (And) Scooby Doo.
Witches: Charmed
Fairytale: Once Upon a Time
Darker Fairytale: Grimm
‘Superhero’ Movies:
90s: Batman. (And) The Crow.
Series: Marvel’s Cinematic Universe
Classic Animated: Batman the animated series
Modern Animated: Harley Quinn
Girl Power: Wonder Woman. (and) Birds of Prey.
Something Different: Deadpool
Younger Audiences/Nostalgia: Teen Titans (animated)
Harry Potter
Favorite Film: Idk. Can’t choose honestly.
Least favorite character portrayal: .. Ginny Weasley?
Someone you loved: (so many..) McGonagall
Someone you loved hating: Bellatrix LeStrange
Someone you just hate: Dolores Umbridge
First time you cried: I cried for Sirius and Remus in Prisoner of Azkaban.
First time you jumped: Snakes or Basilisk. Chamber of Secrets. (I think I was 12?)
Someone who was so spot in acting on you can’t see them as anyone else now: Luna Lovegood
Someone who was so good even if the look wasn’t perfect: Emma Granger as Hermione OR Alan Rickman as Severus Snape.
Someone who’s injury hit you harder than the books: Colin Creevy.
Someone who’s death hit you harder than in the books: None. They hit but not as much as the books.
A scene you found just breathtakingly pretty: Christmas at Hogwarts
A scene you found creepy (even when you knew it was coming): Nagini uses a corpse as a mask.
For any Potter heads. Some things that bothered you about the Harry Potter films:
- Where is Charlie Weasley?
- Where is Peeves?
- Where are Neville’s parents?
- The green/blue/brown eye thing. (This is not against Radcliffe. Some special effects could have fixed this easily)
- HarrY DiD YOu PuT YoUR NaMe IN tHe GoBlET of FIRE?! 🔥
- In Sorcerers Stone, Why did you change the snake at the zoos breed??
- “Voldemort” versus “Voldemor”. The silent t.
- Hermione’s. Yule. Ball. Dress. Color. Blue. Not pink. She specifically changed the color.
- Fluffy. Hagrid’s adorable Cerberus was originally bought from a Greek man. Why change it to Irish? I like Ireland but it was a Greek man due to where Cerberus’s initially came from right???
- Harry’s first Weasley sweater color
- Why does Harry only see his parents in the Mirror of Eirsed? Where’s the rest of the family?
- The Underage magic rules aren’t well explained in the movies making the 3rd year summons even more bonkers sounding
- The Patil Twins Yule Ball Outfits. They could have been soooo beautiful. Like this is the Yule Ball! The Twins would have (in my opinion) much more elaborate traditional Indian styled dress robes?? Idk.
- Love Movie Hermione! But some moments take away from Ron. Like when Ron defended her in the Chamber of Secrets. Hermione didn’t know what the slur “Mudblood” meant in the books. Ron had to explain it.
- Dobby needed more screen time. Some stuff Dobby did went to Neville because so many Neville scenes were cut.
- Where’s all the secrecy from the books when communicating with Sirius- “Snuffles”? Something Harry’s godfather insisted on to keep him safe.
- Snape’s title of “The half-blood Prince” is not explained. Neither is it made clear that Severus was also abused horribly at home throughout his childhood. Also that like Harry Dumbledore did nothing to help Severus when he was a student. (Or maybe Tom Riddle when he grew up in an orphanage. I’m sensing a pattern)
- Dumbledore should have still spelled Harry during Dumbledore death scene. No way would Harry just stand there if given the choice.
- Ron was not quite as ‘dumb’ in the books and a lot of his funny moments were cut from the movie. Which makes his jealousy moments all the more unbecoming. He also comes off a bit more arrogant in the movies. (This is not against R Grint. Who is awesome) The movies gave Ron the short end of the stick.
- Weasley/Malfoy Fued. Who else wanted to see Arthur and Lucius have a fist fight in a bookstore? Exactly.
- Albus Dumbledore isn’t all Sunshine and Daisys. He does some really messed up stuff yet no one ever seems to question this.
- Remus was the last Marauder. Yet his and his wife, Tonk’s, deaths are barley acknowledged.
- Also Teddy. Harry’s Godson.
- Harry’s and Ginnys relationship is not built on. It’s just there. Ugh. Heck Movie Ginny isn’t that great. You don’t know much about her except: She’s the only girl in Ron’s family. She’s the youngest Weasley. She’s obsessed with Harry. She’s a good Quidditch player. She has a temper. She was possessed by Riddle’s Dairy when she was eleven. She’s obsessed with Harry.
- Draco is essentially Harry’s antithesis. Where is he in some critical scenes in the movies?
- Where’s the Luna love???? Harry’s pretty rude to her in some scenes.
- There is no S.P.E.W. And Hermione’s more ruthless side is gone.
- The guys hair in The Goblet of Fire. Get a hair cut. Please.
- Some of Molly’s less than Stellar Moments. (Ex. When she believed rumors about Hermione and so treated he coldly. How horrible she was to Fleur. Ect)
- Fleur. Fleur and Bill still get married but the objections to the wedding aren’t as presented in the movies. Not is Molly’s and Ginny’s extreme dislike of Fleur. Or when Arthur apologizes to Fleur. Or really any of Fleurs best moments. The whole courting process is skipped.
- House Elves. The House Elves of Hogwarts.
- Percy Weasley. The ‘betrayal’. The returned Weasley sweater. Him turning to protect his family and fight for Hogwarts at the last minute. All gone. Which involves being forgiven by the Weasley Twins not an hour before Fred dies.
- The connection of the Black sisters. Specifically Adromeda - mother of Tonks. Who is Sirius cousin. Who married Remus Lupin. Tonks and Remus the parents of Teddy.
- Dean Thomas is pretty much gone.
- Rita Skeeter. Illegal Animagus. Hermione kept her in a jar.
- The movies didn’t allow Radcliffe to be sassy and sarcastic enough. Harry Potter is one of the sassiest boys to ever walk through the halls of Hogwarts!
- Harry didn’t fix his wand in the last movie.
- The history of the Marauders.
- The history explaining why Snape could never be comfortable around and trust Remus Lupin.
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Mickeys horror picture show
By Pamcake21
Ian X Mickey
Notes: Hey guys I know I don’t make fan fiction often but this one literally popped in my head. I wasn’t even thinking about Rocky Horror Picture Show or shameless. I really love this one. It might be my favorite. Hope you like it. Sorry its soooo long but the ending is worth it.
Summary: Ian gets a call from an old friend, inviting him and Mickey to a party. Ian doesn’t think Mickey will go to this kind of party, but with just the right wording mickey goes and boy is he in for a wild night.
Enjoy ;)
Ian and Mickey were relaxing on the couch in the Gallagher house. It was the first time in a while they had the same day off. It was nice. They were watching an old action movie (It didn’t matter which one.) When Ian’s phone rang
“Hello. Hey how are you? Yeah I’m good.” Mickey looked over and mouthed
“Who is it?” Ian looked over.
“It’s one of my old coworkers.”
“Oh.” Mickey didn’t really like Ian’s coworkers. They made him feel weird.
“What? No we’re not doing anything tonight. Uuuuuummmm, hang on.” Ian got up from the couch and went to the Kitchen. Mickey watched Ian then went back to the movie. Moments later Ian came back.
“Hey one of my friends from the fairytale Justin, is having a party tonight, wanna go?”
“What kind of party?”
“It’s a movie costume party. You know, everyone dresses up as the characters in the movie. Justin said theirs even going to be a costume contest.” Mickey looked hesitant.
“What movie?” That was a tough question to answer. Ian wanted Mickey to go but he wasn’t sure he would if he Knew what it was. He took a breath.
“It’s the Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Mickey thought for a moment.
“Sure.”
“Really?” Ian was surprised.
“Yeah I like horror movies.” It suddenly dawned on Ian that Mickey had no idea what this movie was about……... This could work to his advantage. “What’s it about?” Ian thought for a moment. He had to word this just right.
“It’s about……a couple that get trapped in an evil scientists’ house where he is creating life and the couple get horribly mixed in with all of it.” Technically Ian wasn’t lying. That was the basis of the movie.
“Oh you mean like Frankenstein?”
“Yes exactly” Ian said Happily. Mickey looked at Ian suspiciously.
“Is there something you’re not fucking telling about this movie.” Ian froze.
“Should I tell him? Damn I want him to go so bad. We never do anything like this together. Uuuuhhhhgggg.” He thought.
“Yeah sorry. It’s kind of a B movie. It’s really cheesy.” He started to sweat a little.
“Hey that’s ok. It can still be fun.” Mickey said. He could tell Ian really wanted to go to this, and if that meant he had to sit through a shitty movie and an even shitty-er party in a dumb costume to make his boyfriend happy, then so be it.
“Really?” He said excitedly
“Yeah, sounds like fun.” Ian looked like he was going to explode with excitement.
“Great. I’ll tell Justin we’re going.” He said texting.
“So what should I dress up as?” Ian froze “oh shit.”
“Uuuuummm you… can go as… Eddie. He’s the tough badass biker.” Mickey still onboard. “Ok. I guess I could do that. What about you?”
“Oh I’m going to be the experiment.”
“Cool. What time?”
“Around 8. Don’t worry I’ll get your costume together. You just stand there and look sexy.”
Mickey chuckled “I always do.”
………
7:12pm Mickey came down the stairs in a great Eddie costume. He even had the cut on his forehead.
“Ian hurry up.” He yelled up the stairs.
Lip walked in through the kitchen and stopped when he saw Mickey.
“What’s with the outfit?”
“Ian and I are going to some movie costume party thing at one of Ian’s faggot friend’s House.”
“Oh yeah, what movie?”
“I don’t know some weird horror movie. I don’t remember the name. Rocky Picture Horror something.” Lip paused for a moment
“Rocky horror picture show?”
“That’s it. Have you seen it? Ian says its good but I’ve never heard of it.” Lip had to hold back so much laughter and stop the shit eating grin that was begging to spread across his face. This was going to be really funny.
“Yeah it’s a great movie. I think you’ll really like it. Do you know where Ian is, I need to ask him something.” Lip had to get the low down from Ian. This was just too good.
“He’s upstairs. Can you tell him to hurry the fuck up?”
“Yup.” Lip walked up the stairs. He found Ian, who was dressed up as Rocky all wrapped up.
“Hey does Mickey not know what kind of movie party you guys are going to?”
“No and don’t say anything.”
“Oh I wouldn’t dream of it.” He said laughing. Ian smiled and punched Lip in the arm. They walked down stairs to an impatient Mickey. He looked Ian up and down
“You look good.” Mickey said wanting to unwrap him.
“same to you. You ready?”
“Yeah let’s go. See you later lip.”
“Bye.” Ian and mickey left. “Oh I wish I could be there.” Lip said to himself.
…………
They both walked down the hallway of the apartment complex. Mickey was preparing himself for a couple of hours of feeling out of place. He never really felt right around Ian’s friends. They were so different from the people he normally hung out with. His friends made him feel comfortable, but these people made him feel like white trash. It was weird how nervous he was.
“Do I look ok?” Mickey asked.
“You look great.” Ian said surprised. Mickey wasn’t one to care about his appearance. “26B. We’re here. Ian knocked. Justin opened the door…...in doctor franks outfit.
“Hello.” He said excited to see them both. Mickeys eyes went wide.
“What the fuck.” He said so confused.
“Oh I know don’t I look great. You two look amazing. I love the Eddie costume. You pull it off so well. And Ian, can’t wait to unwrap you.” Justin said leading them into the apartment. Mickey looked around. There were a few people dressed in suits and party Hats. A tall skinny red head dressed as Columbia in her gold outfit and tap shoes. A girl dressed as magenta. She was talking to a couple dressed as brad and Janet. He looked around and saw more people dressed as the iconic cast. Then he looked at Ian who was talking to Justin. Mickey gave him a look that said “We need to talk.” They both walked over to a semi privet area.
“What the fuck Ian?!” Mickey said sternly. He was not happy.
“Ok I’m sorry. I should have told you. The movies a little different.”
“A little different!? Ian look at what that fucking freak is wearing, and you expect me to be ok with this? No I want to go home.”
“Oh come on Mickey, we just got here. I really want to stay. Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeease?” Mickey stared at Ian. God he had such a cute puppy dog face that Mickey just couldn’t resist. He let out a huge sigh
“Fine but I’m drinking…... a lot, where’s the booze?”
“Over on the table but they only have wine.” Ian said pointing at the table. Mickey made a disgusted face.
“Ok everyone the movie is going to start soon so find a seat.” Justin said as he set a big bowl of popcorn on the table. Mickey sat down on the end of the couch. Ian sat next to him and put his hand on Mickeys leg. Mickey jerked it away. He was mad. Ian felt kind of bad.
The movie started.
“Let’s see those big red lips.” Someone said. Mickey was confused. That’s when the most famous pair of red lips appeared on the screen and began to sing.
Michael Rennie was ill
The day
The earth stood still
But he told us where
We stand
“What the fuck.” Mickey said a little too loud
“Ssssssshhhhhhh” said a few people. Mickeys anger started to boil.
Mickey whispered to Ian angrily “You didn’t tell me this was a fucking musical.”
“It’s really not that bad I promise. Please just stay?” Ian pleaded. Damn his sexy eyes.
“alright alright.” Mickey look at the glass of wine in Ian’s hand, took it and downed the whole thing in one gulp. The movie played on.
To mickeys surprise, the movie was… tolerable. He didn’t get up and dance like everyone else when “the time warp” came on though. Ian’s eyes couldn’t make him do that, but all in all it wasn’t that bad… That was going to change. The time warp had just ended and Brad and Janet were backing away towards the elevator.
Janet: Look I’m cold, I’m wet and I’m just plain scared.
Brad: I’m here there’s nothing to worry about.
Janet: (screams)
Dr. frank: How do you do
Mickey looked over at Justin. “Wow” he thought “That’s pretty accurate makeup.” He thought.
Ian looked over at Mickey. He wasn’t sure how he was going to react to this next part.
Dr. Frank: (takes off cloak) I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvanian.
Mickey angry whispered to Ian again. “I want to go.”
“Mickey come on.”
“I want to go NOW! He said through gritted teeth
“Please mickey? I promise when we get home ill make it up to you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, please stay.” Ian was feeling really bad. This was really different for mickey.
Mickey thought about it for a moment.
“Fine but you owe me big time and I mean it.”
“Thank you so much. I love you.” He said planting a kiss on his cheek.
……….
Ian was shocked. Mickey sat through it all. He sat through the “I can make you a man,” The weird dinner scene and the pool scene, and that wasn’t all. He stayed quiet when two of the guests unwrapped Ian all the way down to his gold booty shorts. He didn’t make a scene when the guy dressed as Columbia tried to dance with him during the scene with Eddie. (Surprisingly mickey didn’t mind his character. Eddie was kind of a badass. A lot cooler than the rest of the characters.) He even accepted the prize for most character likeness. He won a $25 gift card to Starbucks.
“great another thing I can carry around in my wallet and never use.” He said to himself. Mickey stayed quiet for the rest of the night.
It was finally time to leave. They both said bye and walked out. As they got outside, mickey started to walk down the sidewalk instead of to the car.
“Where are you going?” Ian called out as he went after Mickey.
“Home.”
“I’m sorry I-”
“YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME! You let me go in there blind.”
“HEY I DIDN’T LIE. I just gave you a very vague explanation and left out some really important details. Besides if I told you what was really going to happen you never would have come.”
“I would so.”
“No you wouldn’t have. You would have said something like “fuck that queer shit. I’m not going.” And then you would’ve made me stay home and we would’ve missed out on a fun party. tell me I’m wrong.”
“You’re wrong I-”
“You do this to me all the time, we never do anything I want to do and it-”
“I WOULD HAVE FUCKING GONE IF YOU FUCKING ASKED ME!” Mickey yelled
“What?”
“You’re right you know. We don’t do a lot of the things you want to do and I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to be more open to your shit. I was going to say yes to the party no matter what. You looked so happy and I just couldn’t say no. I wanted to do something nice for you. I… I wanted… I wanted to please you. God that sounded so fucking gay.” They both stared at each other under the light of the street lamp. Ian felt horrible, he knew Mickey was being sincere.
“I’m sorry.” Ian said. “Thanks for staying, I know it probably wasn’t easy for you. I’m really sorry.” He said walking over to him. Mickey walked back and put his arm around Ian.
“It’s ok, but you still owe me big time and not just a blowjob either.” Mickey said smiling finally.
Ian laughed “You got it.”
………..
“They walked through the front door.
“I’m gunna get a beer, you want one?” Mickey asked heading towards the kitchen.
“Yeah. I’ll meet you upstairs.” Ian said heading up the stairs.
Lip walked into the living room.
“Hey how was the party.” Mickey looked at him. His rage immediately shot up.
“YOU!” He shouted bolting towards lip ready to kick the shit out of him. Lip didn’t need a second to wonder why Mickey was mad, he knew he had to get away as fast as he could.
“YOU MOTHER FUCKER YOU KNEW! YOU KNEW AND YOU STILL LET ME GO TO THAT SHITSHOW. WHY!” Mickey chased him up the stairs. Lip was laughing.
“Cause if I told you what the movie was really about, it wouldn’t of been this funny.” Lip ran into his room and locked to door. Mickey pounded on the door.
“GALLAGER GET THE FUCK OUT HERE.”
“Not a chance.” He said with the biggest smile on his face.
“You gotta leave sometime bitch.” He said heading to Ian’s room.
Three days later
Ian walked home. It was 2 in the afternoon. His job let him go home early. He was excited. He thought about taking Mickey out to lunch. He walked through the front door.
“Hey Mickey, I’m home.” Mickey would be the only one home. Everyone else would be at work or doing something. “where you at sexy.” He called out. He walked through the living room, his eyes found him, and what he saw melted his heart and made him smile so much, his face would split in two.
Mickey was in the kitchen making a sandwich, listening to music and slightly dancing, but it was what he was listening to that made Ian smile. Mickey was singing.
“My saxophone was blowing on a rockin’ roll show. You climbed in the back seat, really had a good time!” His voice went higher and he started to head bang. Ian could barely hold back laughter.
“Hot patootie bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll” He was really getting into it now. His hips were moving and his head was banging with the music. He turned around to go to the couch only to see Ian Dying of laughter. It startled him. He quickly stopped singing, paused his music, and took out his earbuds.
“Jesus you almost gave me a Fucking heart attack.” He said trying to steer the conversation away from the obvious. Ian was still laughing.
“Oh my god you liked the movie didn’t you?” Ian said with a shit eating grin.
“No that is not what thi-”
“MICKEY LIKES ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, MICKEY LIKES ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.” Ian shouted
“Motherfucker.” Mickey said as he charged at him. Ian didn’t need a second to think he just bolted up the stairs. He continued to yell. Mickey couldn’t help but smile. It was kind of funny
“YOU HEARD IT HEAR FOLKS, MICKEY MILKOVICH LOVES ROCKEY PICTURE SHOW, HE LO- GAK” Ian tripped and landed on the floor. He tried to get up quickly but mickey was already on top of him. He wrapped his legs around Ian’s legs so he couldn’t get away, and his arms around his waist. Then he dug his fingers into Ian’s sides and ribs. Ian’s laughter burst out.
“AHAHAHAHAHAH MICKEY STOHOHOHOHOP!” Ian tried to squirm away but Mickey had a tight hold on him.
“Oh no way. You deserve this you little shit.” Mickey said with a smile. “Plus this is way to fun to stop.”
“MICKEY QUIHIHIHIHIHIHIT!” Ian squealed.
“Hey ill make you a deal, I’ll stop if you say you’re my bitch.”
“FUHUHUHUCK OFF MICKEY AHAHAHAHA!” Mickeys fingers were driving him crazy. Going in between each rib and squeezing his side. He thought he was going to die.
“Come on say it.” Mickey was having way too much fun. He loved touching Ian. His body was warm and soft.
“DROHOHOHOHOP DEAD!”
“Oh that’s not very nice. I’ll give you one last chance. Say you’re my bitch or else.” He got real close to his ear. “come on fire crotch say it.” His teasing voice tickled Ian’s ear witch made his laughter get higher.
“AHAHAHAHAHA NEVER!” Ian knew what he was getting into but he didn’t care.
“Oh tough guy huh? Well you asked for this.” His left hand moved down to Ian’s thigh and started to squeeze and his right went up to his armpit. Ian’s laughter exploded when Mickey squeezed his thigh. He tried desperately to get away.
“OK OK OK OK STOHOHOHOHOP!” Mickey slowed his tickle onslaught.
“Say it Fire crotch.”
“IHIHIHIHI’M YOUR BITCH!” Mickey stopped. He let go and stood up feeling triumphant, still smiling at his giggly mess of a boyfriend.
“And don’t you forget it bitch.” He stared to walk away. “If you’re lucky I’ll let you suck my dick later.”
Ian stood up and stared at mickey. He liked this playful side of him……. And he wanted more.
“Hey Milkovich.” Mickey turned. “I want a rematch.” Ian said with a mischievous smile and ran after him. Mickey bolted down the stairs not wanting to get caught. He knew if Ian caught him he would be done for.
For the rest of the day, the Gallagher house was filled with laughter and empty threats.
The end.
#shameless#Ian Gallagher#mickey milkovich#Tickling#tickle#ticklish#tickling ian#tickling mickey#tickle fic#tickle fight#fluff
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✩ watergate
i want to preface this by saying that i hate watergate and the fact that this meme is four-hundred pages long only furthered my hatred for this abomination of a ship. and yes, i am using kennedy walsh as a mascot for this occasion. mind your own.
DISAGREEMENTS
who is more likely to raise their voice? we been through this. it’s mickey, he inherited his father’s temper. giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘daddy issues.’who threatens to leave but never actually does? mickey. the man is full of empty promises. who actually keeps their word and leaves? emma. mickey would never leave, he’s mickey : abandonment issues and all. who trashes the house? worst case scenario, mickey. but normal circumstances, nobody. they’re not wolfgang circa 2016, post ziba finding out about his heart issues, oil on canvas. do either of them get physical? i mean, #basementgate … ringing any bells ? it’d be a mistake on mickey’s part, otherwise no. how often do they argue/disagree? only when their collective insecurities start acting up. and if my memory serves me right, that’s like every other week. who is the first to apologise? both, simultaneously.
SEX
who is on top? do you remember You 1x04 ? joe was on top … let’s aim for nine seconds, okay.who is on the bottom? did i not just answer that. who has the strangest desires? what is this, an episode of lucifer ? jokes, all jokes. probably emma. shy in the streets, freaky in the sheets. any kinks? does … harmonicas count ? literally retire the joke, mads – RETIRE IT.who’s dominant in bed? neither. they’re vanilla and boring and i hate them.is head ever in the equation? it’s always in the equation, we’re no dj khaled stans here.if so, who is better at performing it? mickey will toss your salad like he’s aidan gallagher’s biggest fan.ever had sex in public? public sex for them is in her car. so, yes.who moans the most? emma ‘cos she never knows when to zip it.who leaves the most marks? mickey. mark your territory, y’know. it’s critical.who screams the loudest? i said what i said.who is the more experienced of the two? big oof @ emma’s bodycount. do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? they make sweet, sweet love.rough or soft? soft as hale.how long do they usually last? 9 seconds. however adequately long is … that’s how long. they drag it out. make a day out of it. is protection used? they never wrap it before they tap it. and with is history of … you know, [ finger banging motions ] emma should’ve had chlamydia by now. but yes, they wrap it. sometimes. they don’t remember that often.does it ever get boring? nope. where is the strangest place they’d have sex? on his mother’s grave. or maybe not. i dunno, would they fuck at a preschool ? i don’t put it past them.
FAMILY
do your muses plan on having children/or have children? together they haven’t spoken about it. but separately, fuck yeah. if so, how many children do your muses want/have? i feel like emma wants two or three, mickey wants a football team.who is the favorite parent? since mickey is gonna be a stay-at-home dad, fuck you, him. who is the authoritative parent? odette. they hire her to come in every week to stare real hard at the kids until they clean the entire house unprompted. works like wonders. super nanny who ?who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? mickey. who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? mickey, mickey, mickey. emma’s all about carrots and nutritions. fuck that, we’re going to mcdonkey d.who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? mickey organizes the extra curricular activities. he’s that dad.who goes to parent teacher interviews? emma ‘cos mickey gets mistaken for flirting with the the mrs. grundy looking teach every single time. not riverdale!grundy, comics!grundy. [ chicken girls vc ] spicy … who changes the diapers? mickey avoided it for the first couple of months by sheer magic and a lot of pampering @ emma. but she caught on, and then he was on diaper duty for a full year. after that the kid doesn’t need diapers so … unless they wee the bed then we have another problem on our hands. who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? mickey, that’s how he avoided diaper changes. who spends the most time with the children? mickey ‘cos he’s ugly and unemployed. who packs their lunch boxes? emma ‘cos mickey would sneak brownies in there and all the other kids would get jealous and cry during lunch. true story, i was there. who gives their children ‘the talk’? mickey would want to but seeing as he’s who he is, emma took it upon herself to give them a more science based talk. ironic considering what his current job is but … who cleans up after the kids? mickey-boy.who worries the most? emma by a long shot. mickey has zero cares in the world. he’s the type of dad to toss the kids up 375ft into the air while emma yells frantically in the background of the video odette is filming. she’s there for chaos, not so much for telling mickey the kid’s neck can break. who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? i think emma. mickey’s gonna be super good with coming up with psuedo-swears like motherflubber and fudge. emma will slip up, i know she will.
AFFECTION
who likes to cuddle? both.who is the little spoon? mickey, he likes to be held – it makes him feel safe.who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? fucking mickey the horn-dog. who struggles to keep their hands to themself? did you not see what i just said. how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? several hours. they never get uncomfy, fuck off. who gives the most kisses? listen, mickey loves giving love. whatever that touchy feely result was on the love language quiz, that was he. so, – he’ll smooch her everywhere and whenever. try and stop him, you can’t. except they’re not dating right now so i guess he’s successfully kept at bay. barely. what is their favourite non-sexual activity? banter. like genuinely. they just sit on the sofa and tear each other apart. it’s a good old time. that or soaps. mickey’s a huge fan of days of our lives.where is their favourite place to cuddle? probably couch. who is more likely to playfully grope the other? mickey. but emma’s known to grab his ass at times which is honestly childish, emma quit it. how often do they get time to themselves? seeing as they’re currently childless and also single, all the time in the world.
SLEEPING
who snores? emma, i said it.if both do, who snores the loudest? emma …do they share a bed or sleep separately? they’re not the weathers, ok.if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? close, so very close.who talks in their sleep? mickey. he says some dumb shit, she writes it down.what do they wear to bed? dicks out. kidding. mickey sleeps shirtless, and emma sleeps in his shirt. fair deal. are either of your muses insomniacs? no.can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? only if he wanna knock her out for some quiet. but also no.do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? they’re a whole ass pretzel, k. who wakes up with bed hair? emma might have more hair but mickey’s is untamed. who wakes up first? emma. who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? mickey is a king in the kitchen, so.what is their favourite sleeping position? his face full on in the crook of her neck and like completely wrapped up in each other like my headphones after 2 minutes.who hogs the sheets? both of them, every night is a struggle.do they set an alarm each night? emma does. mickey likes to wing it.can a television be found in their bedroom? no, emma said that’s not allowed and that’s why she’s currently sexless. who has nightmares? neither … who has ridiculous dreams? mickey, hence the talking. who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? mickey probably.who makes the bed? emma, she’s so responsible.what time is bed time? like two hours after they decide it’s time to sleep. they talk alot. and … do other things we shall not mention ( discuss the current political climate ). and they fuck. any routines/rituals before bed? dental hygiene is very important to them both so they spend like 20 minutes in the bathroom. who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? emma. mickey is ready :clap: to :clap: go !
WORK
who is the busiest? mickey. being a nurse is no joke. neither is having to take up shifts at the hardware store ‘cos your dad’s a drunk.who rakes in the highest income? i dunno. they both have shite jobs in terms of salary. google it. are any of your muses unemployed? not yet. who takes the most sick days? honestly, neither. mickey’s the type to go work with a flu and emma is too much of a suck-up to risk looking like a bad employee. who is more likely to turn up late to work? mickey. who sucks up to their boss? both. love that for them.what are their jobs? er nurse and preschool teacher. if you didn’t know that by now, kill yourself.who stresses the most? emma, no doubt, no doubt.do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? LOVE. are your muses financially stable? * laughs in the spirit of president snow choking to death on his own chortles * no.
HOME
who does the washing? mickey mixed the reds and whites once, so … take a gamble.who takes out the trash? mickey whenever he leaves for work. get it? ok.who does the ironing? mickey also burnt a hole in one of her shirts.who does the cooking? MICKEY. so stay out of the kitchen if you can’t handle the heat, woman.who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? emma.who is messier? mickey. who leaves the toilet roll empty? mickey, but it’s on purpose. you see … he likes to do it just so she’ll have to yell at him to get her some. it’s just funny. every time. sometimes he forgets to put it back before he leaves. those are the times he gets a roll thrown at his face when he gets home.who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? mickey. it’s charming.who forgets to flush the toilet? ew, no one.who is the prankster around the house? they’re both equally pranky … not a word ! mickey just tends to be more unexpected in his pranks. who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? emma. mickey doesn’t have his own car.who mows the lawn? they’re apartment people, buzz off.who answers the telephone? no one, their answering machine message is just too good to go to waste.who does the vacuuming? emma.who does the groceries? mickey.who takes the longest to shower? mickey. he’s depressed.who spends the most time in the bathroom? emma.
MISCELLANEOUS
is money a problem? of course it is. they’re broke.how many cars do they own? one.do they own their home or do they rent? rent.do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? … fuck if i know. where even is sheffield.do they live in the city or in the country? downtown, asshat.do they enjoy their surroundings? sure.what’s their song? i know it’s not 1998 yet. but – closing time by semisonic is a bop i’ve mentioned for them before. what do they do when they’re away from each other? pine.where did they first meet? i wanna say her place but she’s not that stupid. probably joe’s or something. how did they first meet? when mickey answered the roommate ad. who spends the most money when out shopping? mickey. it’s all on food.who’s more likely to flash their assets? like tits ? neither.who finds it amusing when the other trips over? mickey. and emma. both. they’re ten.any mental issues? plenty to go around.who’s terrified of bugs? emma.who kills the spiders around the house? mickey carries them outside, thank you very much.their favourite place? at home. yeah, they’re like that.who pays the bills? emma pays pays them, but like … he gives her money.do they have any fears for their future? so many we cannot get into that right now.who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? mickey. but like home-cooked ‘cos he’s a poor, poor man. who uses up all of the hot water? mickey.who’s the tallest? [ softly ] don’t. who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? ickey-mickey.who wanders around in their underwear? MICKEY. who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? they both try and out-sing each other. he starts it, she ends it. what do they tease each other about? harmonicas and their deepest insecurities. who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? remember the bee shirt.do they have mutual friends? no, jack hates him and i hate jack.who crushed first? i wanna say … mickey.any alcohol or substance related problems? nope.who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? mickey, it’s in his genes.who swears the most? neither of them swear that much but i guess i’ll have to go with the ugly one.
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Love Like Lava, Epilogue
Notes: The final section of my story has completed, so it's time to doll out some thanks.
To my close pals for their wonderful friendship, ones who kept me going with their smiles - Boxlunches, Palooka, Chllstarr, Greta, friends old and new within the Mice Discord, without those last pushes I wouldn't be here!
Once again, a big thanks toward my great gal Angie, who is the co-creator of Millicent! And, by that line, Agalma too!
A special thanks towards Disney Diligent, who helped inspire/create the final look for Aphrodite Minnie.
As always, super ultra huge mega thanks to my fantastic editors, Drucilla and Blueshifted! Funny enough, this story seemed to create the most division between them, one adoring lines that the other insisted be kicked out! XD Thankfully I as the narcissistic writer get to ultimately choose =P But yes, these two put in hard work and great effort for my little hobby, and deserve all the praise in the world!
Finally, thank YOU, yes YOU, all of my fans for reading, liking, commenting, reblogging, and for ultimately enjoying this wild ride! It's definitely gone through some changes since I first bubbled the idea years ago - a simple romantic comedy turned into questions of loss and sense of purpose. I had to cut out a few ideas (at one point, I debated about a sideplot of Clarabelle as Medusa and Horace as her blind boyfriend), but I think in the end I came away with a better story overall. I hope you all had a good time, and I also hope you stick around for next lovey-dovey tale!
(... and apologies in advance to all the donald fans because yes I am absolutely going to kick him around again)
Summary: When it comes to legends and myths, the final curtain never rests. What can the love story between two unlikely immortals inspire for upcoming generations?
“You don't have to do this, you know.” Donald knew his statement was obvious, yet he felt a need to say it anyway. “You don't owe him anything... except maybe a kick to his almighty shin.”
“I know,” Mickey casually replied, finishing the last strikes with his hammer upon his project. “But when I had this in mind, it was for someone huge, and he's the only guy big enough to use it. Besides, I like makin' stuff for folks.”
“Oh, Mickey.” Minnie was sitting on his workbench, admiring him with a swooning sigh. “You've got such a big heart.”
“If you two are going to get all lovey-dovey,” Daisy warned, averting her eyes, “I'm out of here.”
One of the newly repaired Axelias came over to wipe away Mickey's sweat, and he gave her a smile. “Thanks, Axelia.”
“You-Are-Welcome-Welcome-Welcome.” This one had the newest feature, a movable mouth. It was still a work in process, so her smile was lopsided, but it was still a smile she chose to make.
Mickey brought the hammer down one last time, then decided he was finished, pulling back to admire his work. “What do you think?”
“Not bad, not bad at all.” Donald offered a thumbs-up, grinning with pride.
Daisy snickered. “I can't wait to hear the mortals' reaction when they see it for the first time.”
“It's positively perfect.” Minnie came up to kiss Mickey's cheek, and he chuckled. “Oh, Mickey, will you ever stop being amazing?”
“Only when you stop bein' cute as a button.” Mickey nuzzled his nose to hers, causing Minnie to giggle wildly.
“Guys, seriously, I'm gunna hurl.” Daisy pretended to gag with a finger in her mouth. “Look, can we get this over with already? The sooner we can drop it off, the sooner we can go sailing. The ocean misses us.”
Mickey laughed, and placed his hand on the project, his other hand steady on his walking stick. “Fine, let's get going! It's not going to deliver itself!”
Thus the four of them reappeared on Mount Olympus – it had been several months since they last touched the cloudy paradise. No, it didn't deserve them, but Mickey had ultimately decided he could grace them with his presence when he felt like it. It wouldn't be too often, but he found such joy in his creations that he wanted everyone to have them. They popped up near the rebuilt thrones of Hera and Zeus, now separated. Hera flinched when she saw them, ready to duck and hide if need be. Zeus grimaced until he saw the unusual glimmer in Mickey's hands.
“I have brought you a gift,” Mickey declared, his back tall and proud. “I want nothing in return. I call it... a lightning bolt!”
Zeus' eyes went as big as the planet itself, and he knelt down to take the mighty yellow arch in his hands. “Such electricity... such power... I have never felt anything so magnificent! I feel a thousand years younger!” He burst with glee, hoisting the mighty weapon above his head. It was the best toy he'd ever gotten, and he wanted to play with it right now. He opened the clouds with his hands, trying to find a good place to strike. “Maybe there, or, no wait, how about here? But there's good too...”
Hera eyed the group suspiciously. “You SAY you bring a GIFT, yet you want NOTHING? What MADNESS are you SPEAKING of?”
“Careful.” Mickey wagged a finger. “My girlfriend can kick your butt.” Hera promptly shut up, cowering from Minnie's gleeful grin. “Aw, naw, I meant it! And I want all of Mount Olympus to know that I'd be happy to craft them anythin' they want. I need projects to keep me busy.”
“And he's very good at everything he makes,” Minnie cooed, snuggling up to Mickey's free arm.
Nearby gods found themselves piqued by curiosity, and it was Fethry who dared to speak first. “Say, could I get new shoes? These ones keep molting their feathers!”
“I wouldn't mind a new vanity mirror,” Gladstone happened to comment.
Even Mortimer found himself wanting in on this. “Okay, if you're that good, maybe you can bring some new life to my goblets? If you can.”
Daisy groaned. “We're never going to go sailing at this rate.”
Donald put his arm around Daisy's shoulders. “Oh, how you suffer.”
Gods and goddesses began to line up in front of Mickey, asking for jewelry and armor and other trinkets. Out of the corner of his eye, Mickey saw Pete hiding behind one of his deformed statues, and he quickly retreated when he saw Minnie's eyes on him. Judging from the smell, he still hadn't fully recovered. But he would one day, and perhaps he'd foolishly try for revenge. There would always be people who didn't learn from their mistakes.
There would also always be people who became better from their mistakes. Mickey smiled at Minnie, but then blinked as he saw her licking her lips with a puzzled look. “Minnie? What is it?”
“Hm? … Oh, it's nothing. Just...” She shrugged. “I have the oddest craving for peaches again.”
That probably had to do with Goofy placing the finished carved peach in her temple, having felt for some reason that it was the right thing to do. He hadn't seen Minnie or any of his unusual friends in all those months, and while he missed them, he wouldn't allow his sadness to hold him back anymore. It was the last act he did in the village before he left for his trip around the world with Agalma, and with his newfound confidence, he also brought the story of Millicent, Agalma, Aphrodite, and himself to every shore. The story spread throughout the land, although a few creative individuals decided that Agalma was too lazy a name, and decided Galatea was far more suitable. It is the nature of stories to change, after all.
The stories of Zeus and Hera, of Hades and Persephone, of Hephaestus and Aphrodite also changed as the decades came and went, with some believing Persephone was Hades's prisoner, and others thinking Aphrodite saw Ares on the side. One day the history became legend, the stuff of fairy tales and impossibility. People no longer needed the gods, and thus couldn't believe they'd ever been around in the first place. Yet these stories stayed, inspiring generations in many ways – art, music, theater, and even morality for a few. Even though such tales couldn't possibly be true, they were still told and enjoyed, even in museums of the highest education.
That's where a young boy was admiring a carving of the mighty Hephaestus presenting a gift to the lovely Aphrodite, although the stone was so worn down it was impossible to tell what the gift was. The mouse boy smiled in admiration – so the Greeks and Romans believed even a powerful god could have been disabled? He looked down at his own legs, forever bound in a wheelchair, and felt an odd sense of pride. If Hephaestus could be capable of great things, maybe he could too. With a funny chuckle, he touched his wheels, ready to move on. But when he lifted his head, his jaw dropped in shock.
What a coincidence – the prettiest girl in his class, and who he had a gigantic crush on, was also in the museum, looking at a nearby vase depicting Persephone. What were the odds? The boy always wanted to talk to her, to have that melodious voice directed at him, but had also felt that because of his disability, he never had a chance. Yet... he glanced back at Hephaestus. If that guy could land the most beautiful goddess, the boy had no excuse not to try.
He cleared his throat. “Say, uh... hi there!”
The mouse girl blinked and turned around, equally surprised to see him. “Oh! I didn't know you were here too!”
She responded she responded she responded – CALM DOWN. “Uh, y-yeah! I love this exhibit.” Thank goodness the wheelchair was blocking her from seeing how hard his tail was wagging.
“Me too.” The girl giggled, nodding towards the vase. “These stories are so romantic! I just love them! Which one is your favorite?”
She wanted to know more about him she wanted – FOR REAL, CALM DOWN. The boy hoped he wasn't blushing as hard as he thought he was, pointing at the stone carving. “Well, uh, gee, I always thought Hephaestus was kinda neat. Even though his legs didn't work, he made gold servants and lightning bolts and all kind of nifty things.”
“Oooh, I love that story!” the girl squealed, walking over to see the carving closer. “And he won the heart of the fair Aphrodite! I bet they loved each other sooo much!”
“Yeah, me too.” The boy scratched his chin, wondering if there were gods since his luck had never been so good. “Say, uh...the cafe here ain't too bad! You... maybe... wanna grab some lunch together?”
The girl turned to face him slowly, her own delicate chinks pinking. “Really? … I'd love to!” She smiled shyly, hands curled up together. “You know, I've always wanted to tell you how great your art is.”
“W-what?” the boy stammered, his disbelief at new levels.
“Those drawings you're always making in class... I think they're really amazing! They're so lifelike! Do you think you could show me how to do it sometime?”
“YEAH! … I-I mean, yeah, sure, okay.” As long as she didn't know she was the subject of more than half of the things he drew, then he was fine with showing her his doodles. “I guess I could show you my sketchpad over lunch.”
“Great! Let's get going!” The girl took a step forward, but then hesitated. “Do you need help pushing your wheelchair?”
“Naw, I'm just fine,” the boy said, beginning to roll. “And, y'know, I'm glad you asked instead of doin' it right away. Folks see me like this and assume I can't do nothin'.”
“That's very unfair of them...but if I ever make you feel like that, please let me know.”
“Sure thing!” He smiled at her, and she smiled at him, and they began to exit the exhibit together.
But as they left, the boy could've sworn he saw the stone-faced Hephaestus smile. It must have been his imagination.
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It’s not easy.
Trying to make the transition from special education teacher to female comedy writer at the age of forty is not easy.
Many emails and attempted connections get ignored while your resume gets put on file in case anything comes up that feels like a good fit.
Growing up hearing impaired surrounded only by the fully hearing and never quite fitting into either group is also not easy.
Writing and working and wondering if you’re making any progress while you figure out if you have enough money for both gas and food can be quite draining.
Yet when I find myself feeling emotionally tired or ready to give up, I turn to my own inspirations. These women have inspired me. Their stories filled with their own personal traumas serve as a constant reminder to simply keep going.
These are women who are changing the way things are done and who don’t follow the norm. Women who are a little different and in the most wonderful way.
So let’s dive in or as I prefer to say….
Let’s do this. Hey
1. Mary Tyler Moore
They say never meet your heroes but standing in front of this woman at her book signing for her autobiography, After All, I could not speak. My father had to speak for me. He told her that I considered her on the same level of Lucille Ball. Mary Tyler Moore said that being compared to Lucy was great company to be in. There are just certain people you get a vibe from. A genuinely kind vibe. You can’t really fake that. I’m forever grateful for my Mary Tyler Moore encounter because she debunked the “never meet your heroes” theory. Before she passed away in 2017, she had endured so much tragedy. Her son and only child had died of an accidental gun shot wound to the head, she had struggled with alcohol as well as health issues due to Type 1 diabetes. Yet despite every obstacle, every tragedy, she broke down barriers. She is remembered for her iconic roles in two television shows: The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Mary Tyler Moore Show. By playing Mary Richards, she was paving new ground by playing single career woman which was considered unheard in the seventies yet Mary Tyler Moore played women that broke the stereotypical images of women at the time. Laura Petrie and Mary Richards were not women who stood in the background. They were strong, intelligent and equal to the men in their lives. In addition to her ground breaking roles, she also founded her own production company with her then husband, Grant Tinker. MTM Enterprises was responsible for not just The Mary Tyler Moore Show but also Rhoda, Lou Grant, Phyllis, The Bob Newhart Show, The Texas Wheelers, WKRP in Cincinnati, The White Shadow, Friends and Lovers, St. Elsewhere and Hill Street Blues. Mary Tyler Moore most certainly belongs in the same category as Lucille Ball. Together, they changed entertainment. They changed television.
2. Lucille Ball
The original icon. When trying to get I Love Lucy on the air, executives were reluctant to have her then husband, Desi Arnaz, play her husband because audiences would not believe they would be married. Lucy and Desi took their act on the road to convince executives and it worked. Lucy also was the first woman to ever run a major television studio, Desilu Productions and after she and Desi divorced, she bought out his shares and became the head of the studio. They were also the first to employ the idea of filming a comedy show in front of a live studio audience and using multiple cameras. She passed away in 1989 and left a legacy. She didn’t take no for answer and did things on her own. Lucille Ball was an continues to be an inspiration and I’m only assuming but if Mary Tyler Moore considered Lucy an inspiration, I’m going to assume that women on this list might feel the same.
3. Kaitlin Olson
Kaitlin is a Groundlings alum who has been on Punk’d, Curb Your Enthusiasm and has appeared in Coyote Ugly. Her most iconic role however is the one she’s been playing on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for thirteen seasons. She is Sweet Dee. She made Sweet Dee by simply asking for what she wanted. She landed the role of Dee Reynolds after auditioning with a monologue that ultimately ended up being for Dennis. Rob McElhenney, the creator of the show and her eventual husband, called her to tell her they were going to work on Dee but they just weren’t sure how to write for women. She told them to just write the character and she’d make it funny. First season Dee was a completely different character then she is now and that’s all because of Kaitlin. With the exception of a few moments in that first season, she is the voice of reason. Season thirteen Dee? Oh, well she’s a complete mess. As shown through Dee and of course through her own show, The Mick where she played the title character, Mickey, you will never see Kaitlin as the voice of reason. You will never see her as the stereotypical pretty girl in a sitcom. She simply wants to be funny even if it involves ramming her head into a car door.
4. Andrea Savage
A Valley Girl Native who grew up in the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles like me so therefore I will always be a fan even if she went to my rival high school. I first knew of her from Episodes where she played a television executive who ends up in relationship with Carol. She also is known for playing President Laura Montez on VEEP. Currently, she has her own show on the network that I’m pretty sure I used to watch Forensic Files on. I’m Sorry is on TruTv and is in its second season. I am absolutely addicted to this show, so much so that it has now ruined CBS sitcoms for me. Yes, Andrea Savage’s Andrea Warren is raunchy and talks about sex and buttholes but what’s most refreshing is how marriage is portrayed and how relationships are portrayed. While the show is only in the second season, I think I can confidently say that there will never be an episode where Mike forgets their wedding anniversary or as I saw in a recent episode of a CBS sitcom, there will never be an episode where Mike will be scared that Andrea will find beer or food that he keeps at work. Though there has been an episode involving Mike and a tank top but that needed to be discussed. It was a very special episode. Andrea Savage shows a real relationship. It shows the give and take, the friendship and the partnership between two people. Much like her Groundlings cohort, Kaitlin Olson, and before them, Lucille Ball and Mary Tyler Moore, she is paving a new way to show a marriage in a sitcom….a far more real way.
5. Jennifer Aniston
Her tabloid life was done without her consent and that’s a tragedy. She’s been portrayed as a perpetual victim. She’s been divorced twice. She has no children. Yet judging by the photos and articles about her fiftieth birthday, is that accurate? Is the victim role that’s been unwillingly thrust upon her by the media true? She’s one sixth of the cast of one of the most popular sitcoms in television history. Friends, of course. It’s still so popular that when Netflix wanted to remove it, all hell broke loose. Also, her movie career has been pretty amazing too. The Break Up, Horrible Bosses, Leprechaun and Marley and Me which I think should be used a litmus test to determine whether or not you’re a sociopath….if you don’t end up curled in a ball weeping by the end of that movie, get help. My favorite Jennifer Aniston movies are not the romantic comedies but instead the smaller movies she’s done: Friends with Money, Good Girl, Cake. Movies where she’s really shown her talents as an actor. She’s continuing to work, not letting the narrative that the media has written for her control her. Not letting the thoughts of others destroy you is an important lesson, one that I keep relearning. She just does her job, doesn’t let the forced narrative destroy her and also she apparently has really cool birthday parties.
6. Erin Ryan
She actually began her career in finance as a registered associate at Merrill Lynch. She was a writer for Jezebel and is currently a writer for The Daily Beast, the host of the Hysteria Podcast as well as a writer in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Her episode entitled, The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem was incredibly clever and probably one of my favorite episodes of the thirteenth season. There was a message, just the right amount of heart for Sunny and of course, a grown man who identifies as transgender when he poops. Her Hysteria podcast which she hosts with Kiran Deol, Grace Parra, Michaela Watkins, Dana Schwartz and Alyssa Mastromonaco gives a humorous view to some very serious topics. This is the only political podcast that I listen to because of how it’s presented. I admit to not following politics until the current administration but through listening to Hysteria, I feel like I’m catching up in my political knowledge. Erin is someone who did switch careers and it worked. Her talents as a writer are evident in the Daily Beast as well as on Sunny. It gives hope that you can change careers and be successful in it.
7. Megan Ganz
She began her career interning at Mad Magazine in New York and later became an associate editor at The Onion. She later became a writer on Community and Modern Family. She is responsible for probably one of my top five episodes of Modern Family called, Connection Lost. Actually, it might be my favorite as it’s been four years since that episode aired and I remember it from start to finish. It seemed like such a risk, an entire episode basically taking place on a computer but it was truly a remarkable episode. She is now a writer and executive producer on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and her episodes have become the most memorable to me. In The Gang Tends Bar, there’s a surprisingly sweet moment, many sweet moments, in a show that’s not known for being sweet. It remains a perfect episode especially that moment between Dennis and Mac. The other episode of hers that I love is Times Up for the Gang which is about the Me Too/Times Up movement. I can’t help but wonder how cathartic that episode was for her. I’m not going to mention the person’s name because I don’t want to keep tying his name to hers. When Googling Megan’s name, his name comes up in every result and not her work so I’d rather not add to that but while writing on Community, she was exposed to a pretty toxic work environment that to paraphrase her words made her doubt her own talents. I’m inspired by her strength and the ability to keep going. Toxic work environments are all I’ve known in my adult life and to see a story of someone persevering and rising above so much toxicity makes me happy. That Time’s Up episode almost felt like maybe it meant more than just an episode or maybe I’m reading too much into it.
8. Elizabeth Laime
I stumbled upon her Totally Laime podcast through a Charlie Day interview. In this interview, she had mentioned her sister and her sister’s comments about Elizabeth’s writing career and the words rang so true. Elizabeth is a year younger than I am and I’ve heard those same pieces of negativity, “too old” “not good enough” “the ship has sailed”. Yet in 2010, she started the Totally Laime podcast with her husband, Andy, and in 2011 won the Earwolf Challenge which was a reality podcasting competition where the winner was awarded a distribution contract with Earwolf. The show ended in 2015 only to start again in 2018 but this time independent of Earwolf. In 2018, she wrote on the second season of I’m Sorry and is also a writer on the upcoming NBC show, The Village. Her Wikipedia page is a story of someone who keeps moving forward. She’s dealt with personal tragedy through losing both of her parents at a very young age. Despite this, as well as some professional set backs, she’s proving that you’re never too old to go after what you know you should be doing. She’s proving that you can survive the most unimaginable and not let it completely destroy you.
9. Yvette Nicole Brown
Following Yvette on Twitter is sometimes the highlight of my day. Sure, there are days when I wonder why she responds to all those saying these horrible things to her but the fact that she does is incredible. She stands her ground and I love watching it. I became a fan of hers when she was on Community and truly admired her when she left Community to take care of her dad. She later appeared on The Odd Couple and became my favorite character on that show and is now on Mom playing the role of Nora. Nora is Christy’s AA sponsor and I will always love reading her tweets. Twitter can be a scary place at times, overwhelming and yet, Yvette has got it down to an art.
10. Carla Jimenez
She was the Ethel to Kaitlin Olson’s Lucy on The Mick. Or maybe it was the other way around. What I loved about Alba was that she was as crazy as Mickey, probably more insane. What I especially love and this seems to be the theme with every woman on this list, she too is debunking stereotypes. On The Mick, you had two actresses on two very opposite sides of the weight spectrum and I want to tread lightly as not to hurt anyone but what I loved was that no jokes were ever made regarding the physical appearance of either actress. The fact that Alba was just as disturbed as Mickey was what made that show so fun. They didn’t rely on easy jokes or tropes. There’s also a quote she had given in an interview that I feel should maybe be tattooed somewhere. She told Refinery29 that she challenges all women to never take a job or do anything that makes you feel demeaned just because you need the money. It’s brilliant advice and advice I have not followed as much as I should judging by my own work history. I have talked myself into many jobs I was not qualified for because I just needed it. I’ve dealt with so many toxic work environments just so I keep the lights on.
So to Mary, Lucy, Kaitlin, Andrea, Erin, Megan, Elizabeth, Yvette and Carla, I simply say……
Thank you.
Thank you for the laughs and life lessons.
Thank you for the inspiration and breaking down barriers.
Thank you for doing what you do.
And hey maybe it’ll finally happen tomorrow or next week but from the sidelines, it will happen.
Why won’t it?
Take Notice: 10 Inspiring Women I’m Taking Life Lessons From It’s not easy. Trying to make the transition from special education teacher to female comedy writer at the age of forty is not easy.
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Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Doctor Who (2005)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Donna Noble
Additional Tags: Cousin Mo - Freeform, wedding au, bridesmaid au, Garter Toss, bouquet toss, Fluff, Romance, Silly
Series: Part 9 of I love AUs
Summary:
Prompt: "I caught the garter, you caught the bouquet, now we're supposed to dance"
Rescued by the lovely captaingrahamcr
“Alriiiiight!” screeches the DJ. “Clear the dance floor, ‘cos it’s time for the Battle of the Babes, aka, the bow-kay toss! Come on now all you single ladies, don’t be shy, don’t be shy.”
“Fan-bloody-tastic,” Rose mutters into her cup of treacly-sweet, pink champagne punch. She deflates in her chair, hoping to make herself disappear, but all eyes are on the head table, and she is Bridesmaid Five of Seven, after all. She has no place to hide.
Bridesmaid Four elbows Rose in the ribs. “Go on then. Get on out there, catch that bouquet. You’re the only single bridesmaid after all. I caught the bouquet last time I was a bridesmaid. Paid off, too.” She wiggles her hand in Rose’s face. The enormous diamond in Number Four’s engagement ring flashes as a point of light bounces off of the disco ball, hitting the rock just right.
Rose pastes on a smile. The chair screeches as she pushes away from the table. She walks on tiptoe, nervous that she will catch a four-inch heel on the hem of the slightly too-long, carnation pink gown.
Single Ladies is now echoing off the walls of the reception hall, and the DJ is doing a surprisingly good imitation of Beyoncé. Rose makes her way to a spot on the outskirts of the scant group of females — half a dozen of them are tweens, and Rose is one of the four women above the age of fourteen, and the other three are on the verge of engagement. Beautiful Bride Maureen — aka Cousin Mo — scans the group of (mostly giggling) women and girls, points at Rose, and winks cheekily.
“Don’t you dare,” Rose mouths.
Mo’s eyes flash devilishly. She turns her back to the group, and launches the bouquet over her head with much more effort than necessary. Rose shields her face with her hands as the pink and white missile flies towards her. Too late now. It’s in her hands. Within seconds, her cousin has Rose wrapped in a hug.
“Love ya, Cousin Rose.” Mo kisses Rose’s cheek, her painted pink lips leaving a perfect imprint of the smooch.
“Ta,” says Rose with a sigh. “It’s lovely, really.” She looks down at the nosegay, and then buries her nose in the tightly-packed fragrant pink and white rosebuds.
“Don’t be too mad, Rose. You’re my favorite cousin. I just want to see ya happy,” says Mo.
“I am happy! And why are we talking about my relationship status at your wedding?” Rose raises her eyebrows and laughs. “Go on, stop fussing over me. You have a reception to enjoy.” Playfully, Rose shoves her younger cousin towards her handsome groom.
The other six bridesmaids — every single one of them is either married or engaged — encircle Rose and begin to tease her mercilessly, pointing at various single men, daring her to introduce herself.
“Oh, there’s a candidate,” says Two.
“He’s wearing a pinkie ring, and his shirt has ruffles,” says Rose.
“How about that one?” Six points at a table towards the back of the reception hall.
“Right...” drawls Rose. “He’s about fourteen, and is gorging himself on wedding cake.”
The women laugh, and then disperse. Rose gulps down one more cup of punch, and then heads to the loo.
oOo
“What’d ya do that for?” squeals John, dramatically rubbing the spot on his ribs that Donna has just assaulted with her elbow.
“You told me you were going out for a bit of fresh air. You’ve been gone for over forty minutes!”
“So? I don’t want to be here anyway. I don’t know these people. Remind me. Whose wedding is this?”
Donna rolls her eyes. “You are exasperating. Robert and I grew up together. Next door neighbor. I’ve known Maureen for years. Now go on, get out there.”
The heavy thumping bass of that 80’s song Oh Yeah elicits a groan deep from John’s throat. “I’m not going to try and catch the garter, Donna. I don’t even know these people. Don’t know what possessed me to actually let you drag me here in the first place.”
“Because you’re my best mate, and you need me remind you to leave work once in a while,” she says. “You go out there, or you won’t hear the end of it. There are only about ten single men at this wedding reception, and half of ‘em are under the age of consent, and the other half are leaning on their walkers.”
“Donna...” The tone of his voice offers a clear warning for her to back off.
“Spaceman...” She gives as good as she gets. “Get on that dance floor. Now. I promised Robert and Maureen that I’d bring an eligible bachelor to this wedding.”
“Who says I’m eligible?” His eyes are flashing, and his lips are pressed into a thin line as he juts his chin defiantly, trying to intimidate his best friend.
“Oh please. Tell me the last time you had dinner with a woman someplace that didn’t make you carry your food on a tray back to your table.”
“I just had dinner with someone last week, thank you very much.”
“Oh please! That doesn’t count. Jack tricked you into having dinner with that weird Margaret woman.”
He got a funny look on his face. “Did I tell you I think she tried to drug me? I swear I saw her open a trick ring, and pour some powder into my glass of wine.”
“You are kidding me?” Donna gasped. “Then that definitely doesn’t count as a date.”
“I didn’t say I was dating, I merely said I wasn’t eligible.”
“You talk and talk, and I have no idea what you are even saying,” guffaws Donna.
“It’s simple. Being single does not mean I’m eligible, now does it, hmmm?” John crosses his arms. “I’m practically a hermit, Donna. All I do is work. Work is my life. I’m not eligible. I’m not a candidate to offer anyone a decent relationship.”
“I’m not asking you to get down on your knee and ask some woman to marry you! And maybe it’s time you come out of that cave of a lab, and stop being a hermit! Come on John, it’s just a silly tradition.”
John grunts. “I like my lab. My lab is nice. It’s comfortable and cosy and has lovely mood lighting.”
Donna pauses for a moment. “You know the blonde bridesmaid? The one you were ogling the entire wedding?”
“I don’t ogle.”
“You were so ogling,” teased Donna.
“So I’m not allowed to appreciate a brilliant smile on a good-looking woman?” he humoured her.
Donna grins. “Well, the bloke who catches the garter gets to dance with her, ‘cos she caught the bridal bouquet. And I know you can dance. Saw you at the Christmas party dancing with Astrid.”
“Got you some cake,” says Shaun as he sits down next to his wife. He places a slice of cake in front of Donna, but before she has a chance to lift her fork, John has already palmed the dessert, and shoved the entire thing into his mouth.
“Cammm’t make me go out mare mow, my mouff iff full,” he mumbles through dark chocolate sponge and vanilla buttercream.
“Rude.” Donna points at him. She leaves the table, heads to the DJ’s station, and grabs his crystal bedazzled microphone. “Do we have a Dr. John Smith in the house? Doctor Smith, paging Doctor Smith, your presence is required on the dance floor,” says the ginger.
“Donna!” whinges John.
His fiery friend puts one hand on her hip. “Dr. John Smith, get your skinny little bum off of that chair and do as you’re told. And if you don’t catch that thing, I’ll call in sick all next week and you’ll have to file your own bloody paperwork.”
The reception guests break into hysterics, and someone starts to chant, “Doctor, doctor, doctor,” and the sound quickly surges as everyone joins in.
John wipes his mouth with a pink paper serviette, wads it up, and throws it halfway across the table.
“Sorry mate, you know she always gets her way,” says Shaun, apologetically. “Never shoulda fought it.”
oOo
“There you are! What are you hiding in the loo for?” asks Bridesmaid Number Two. “Been looking everywhere for you. The photographer needs you for one more picture.”
“Sorry. Just needed to get away from the noise for a bit.” Sighing, Rose stands from the ornate velvet settee. “But what picture? Thought we got all of those done before.”
“You caught the bouquet. Mo wants a photo of you with the bloke who caught the garter. Don’t forget the bouquet.” Number Two nods at the side table.
“Oh.” Rose retrieves the pretty bouquet. “I suppose that means I gotta dance with him, too. Who caught it? Robert’s twelve year old nephew or the guy with the ruffled shirt?”
“Neither. Some friend of a friend of the groom’s family. He’s fit, too. Not that I have eyes for anyone but Mickey, mind. But he is gorgeous.”
“Really?” Rose perks up a bit.
“Completely gorgeous,” says Martha. “Wait ’til you see his hair.”
oOo
“Hi,” says Rose, smiling up at the tall man with playfully tousled hair. “So you caught the garter then?”
“Yep.” John twirls the satin and lace circlet on his pointer finger. “You didn’t catch the spectacle?”
“I sorta slipped away after I caught the bouquet. Spectacle, yeah? Tell me what I missed.”
“Places please,” orders the photographer. “Okay Garter Boy, lift up Bouquet Girl’s skirt, and slide the garter on.”
“What?” John and Rose ask simultaneously.
“Since when is that a thing?” Rose asks her cousin, incredulous.
“Oh, it’s a newer tradition. Might not have seen it at any weddings around here yet. It’s from the States. Saw it in a magazine,” replies Maureen. “Cute, yeah?”
“Real cute,” mutters John.
Rose rolls her eyes. “My cousin Mo is so dead,” she whispers.
“Dr. Smith, go down on one knee, please.”
Donna’s words about not having to go down on bended knee come to mind, and he shakes his head. He raises one eyebrow at Rose, but he complies, and then looks up at her from his position on bended knee. “I’m John, by the way. Figure you should know the name of the bloke who’s about to slide a garter up your leg.”
Rose offers him a wide smile. “I’m Rose. Rose Tyler.”
“Show us those gorgeous legs of yours, Rose! I want you to lift up your skirt and balance on one foot,” orders Cousin Mo, slurring slightly. She hides a giggle behind her hand.
“What?” Rose protest.
“Oh come on, don’t tell me you’re embarrassed. Those leotards of yours show more skin.”
“I was ten the last time I wore a leotard, Mo,” Rose cries.
“My wedding, my rules,” replies the bride.
Rose rolls her eyes, but complies. Gingerly, she lifts her skirt. “Do I look like a pink flamingo?” she asks the man at her feet.
John looks up at her and smiles. He stretches the garter as widely as he can, and eases it over her foot. He’s trying to avoid skin to skin contact, and he successfully guides it all the way up to Rose’s knee.
But then Rose loses her balance.
“Oh!” exclaims Rose as John wraps his arms around her exposed legs, successfully preventing her from losing her balance.
The pink chiffon of her gown covers his head, and his face is firmly planted against her bare thighs.
The room explodes with hoots, hollers and cat calls.
John successfully extracts himself from the soft pink chiffon. His face burns. “Sorry. I tried to be a gentleman.”
“It’s okay, I lost my balance on these stupid shoes.” She smiles down at him. “But you can let go now.”
John blushes even more vividly, and releases Rose’s thighs from his hug and he stands.
The photographer studies the screen of his digital camera and smiles. “Great photos! Just brilliant! Make sure you ask the bride and bridegroom for copies. The looks on your faces! Absolutely priceless! Would you mind if I use one or two of these in my sample book?” asks the photographer.
Rose laughs nervously as she watches John tug his ear.
She breaks the heated silence that has built between them. “That wasn’t half embarrassing.”
“I’m so sorry,” John apologises again.
Rose presses her lips together, but she can’t stop herself, and she bursts into laughter. It’s infectious, and soon John Smith is laughing along with her.
The DJ announces that it’s time for the bachelor and bachelorette dance.
“Shall we, Dame Rose?” asks John, gallantly offering his hand.
“I think we shall, Sir Doctor.”
The music starts.
“Really? Another One Bites the Dust?” Rose snorts.
But then the music changes. “I was just teasing,” says the DJ. “How about this.”
“Birds flying high. You know how I feel. Sun in the sky. You know how I feel. Reeds driftin' on by. You know how I feel. It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. For me. And I'm feeling good...”
oOo
The bride sits down next to the fiery redhead who had commandeered the microphone from the DJ.
They high-five.
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Today’s Movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Year of Release: 1961
Stars: Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, Patricia Neal
Director: Blake Edwards
This movie is not on my list of essential films.
NOTE: This installment of Movies Everybody Loves That I Hate is being done strictly of my own behest. It isn’t part of a blog-athon, it isn’t part of MovieRob’s Genre Grandeur franchise, it’s just yours truly having a good, old-fashioned rant. In other words, there’s nobody else to blame; if you don’t like what you see here, there’s nowhere else to address your hate mail. All the contact information you need is in the footer of this post, so fire away.
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Now that you know the genesis of this post, here’s why I would rather “French” kiss a light socket than sit through this movie again.
1) Mickey Rooney’s “Mr. Yunioshi”
I know right now there’s a big thing about actors playing characters that are not of their ethnicity. In all honesty, I don’t give a damn about that. I’ve long been on record about the silliness behind of holding old movies to today’s standards. But, holy shit…this is an awful character.
First of all, the make-up doesn’t even make Rooney look Japanese; it makes him look like he has Down’s Syndrome. But that’s not all which is completely retarded here. In my installment in this series about “South Pathetic Pacific,” I said that craptacular found a way to make racism even dumber. But Mickey Rooney’s character in this movie is so dumb it’s beyond the stupidity of racism.
If you want to get hung up on that angle, be my guest; doing so misses the real problem. Simply stated, the problem isn’t the ridiculous “Asian stereotype” bullshit…the problem is why does this character exist like this at all? Think about it. There’s no reason for this character to be Asian, and even if you just wanted to make him Asian, and even if you had it played by an Asian, there’s still no reason for it to be so over-the-top stereotypical. It’s just the laziest excuse ever for “comic relief” ever.
But if you really want a character to go full “Krusty the Klown ‘Flapping Dickey,'” why not have Mickey Rooney do this shit in “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World?” Just imagine the “Airplane” scene with Buddy Hackett while Rooney is playing off the whole “Asians can’t drive” thing while he’s trying to fly the plane.
I mean…if you’re going to be brain-numbingly stupid, at least be funny, at least have the common courtesy to be funny.
2) Where There’s Smoke…
I completely understand the attitude towards cigarettes was very different lo those many decades ago. But, is it just me or does this movie have far more than its fair share of pounding the butts? In order to see more smoke than this movie contains, you would need to be in a ranger station in the middle of Yosemite during the brush fire season.
3) The Only Reason Anybody Cares About This Movie
It certainly isn’t because it’s a cinematic masterpiece. This all comes down to a clique of classic cinema fans who find a borderline-anorexic as some sort of fashion plate; those people have same sort of fetish for Holly Golightly. In all fairness, what I know about fashion could fit in a thimble and there would still be plenty of room left for one of my enormous fingers, but here’s what I do know…
4) Holly Golightly is a Twat and a Fraud
There…I said it. Let’s cut through the crap here; I have no idea why anybody would admire anything about this train-wreck of a human being. She’s shallow and superficial, super annoying, and quite possibly has a screw loose. Let me take the level of honesty up a notch here. She may be moderately attractive, but she’s nowhere “hot” enough to be this loony. For some reason, George Peppard’s “Paul” loves her “stick-figure” ass, even though she routinely treats him like something she would scrape off her shoe. Paul’s problems are a whole other story; I’ll come back to him in a bit.
Oh, by the way, Holly Golightly is a complete fraud. She’s no “happy-go-lucky” girl about town…even her fucking name tries to alliterate that. Instead, a she’s runaway hillbilly child bride named “Lula Mae” who’s too damaged to have a deep emotional connection with anyone but her brother. That sort of sexually-driven emotional baggage is the mirepoix for the classic recipe to create what Holly really is…
5) Holly Golightly is a Mob-Connected Prostitute
Golightly: Totally doesn’t look like a high-priced “call girl.” (wink, nudge)
This movie trying to describe Holly Golighty “high-priced escort” is just a call-back to the “Breen Code;” it’s an overly-polite and completely transparent euphemism for “sucks dick for money.” I know this for a fact as a kid who grew up on TV westerns. Holly Golightly has the exact same “not supposed to figure this out” factor as “Miss Kitty” from “Gunsmoke.” I wasn’t more than 11 years old when I figured out the old saloon lady in Dodge City was a “madam,” and the reason why nobody ever got out of line in her saloon is she was giving Marshal Dillon a steady diet of “freebies.”
Miss Kitty: Because no saloon girls in Dodge City were prostitutes. (wink, nudge)
The same goes for Holly Golightly. I find it hard to swallow that she’s paying for her lifestyle by being just an “escort.” When that apartment used in that film went on the market in 2011, it fetched almost $6 million….or about $815,000 in 1961. When you consider in those days you could buy a fully-loaded brand new Cadillac convertible for less than $5,000, she was doing some serious swallowing on her own…if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
As a sidebar to the whole “high-priced hooker” bit, when she’s not turning tricks, she’s turning her services as a messenger for an imprisoned mobster to the outside world into another fat cash cow. This is the aspect which is used to hide a lot of Holly’s not-so-savory qualities; her lack of education and intellect is used to hide everything under a blanket of her alleged naiveté.
I’m not buying that…not even at Wal-Mart clearance prices. I mean…how obvious does it have to be? She charges men for “conversation” and asks for $50 for “powder room” tip money, and they follow her home begging for sex. Naturally, the movie never shows the commission of the actual deed, but don’t even try to tell be she doesn’t hunt like a high-end sex worker. She picks a flounder with a fat wallet, uses her charm to set the hook, and digests as much cash as she can extract.
If you doubt this, remember Truman Capote was the author of the 1958 novella this on which this film is based, and described the “Holly” as an “American Geisha.” Capote also wanted Marilyn Monroe to play Holly Golightly; he believed that character’s charm wasn’t just her “je nais se quois”…it also lies in her “overt sex appeal.”
Not to mention, Marilyn Monroe rejected the role because her advisor and acting coach Paula Strasberg said Monroe shouldn’t play “a lady of the evening.” That one change would have fixed so much of what is wrong with this movie, namely because…
6) Paul Varjak is a Prostitute, too…
Varjak and 2-E.: Coffee with one “sugar mama.”
George Peppard plays “Paul Varjak.” In theory, Paul Varjak is a writer, but we never know of anything he’s written, and we never come across anybody who’s read his work. There’s a brief bona fides where we get a glimpse of a few lines he’s scribbled inspired by Holly, but it doesn’t take long to see what Paul’s money-maker really is.
Unlike Holly’s whoring, Paul’s is damn near right out in the open. For every minute he spends banging his typewriter, he spends about four hours pounding the cobwebs out of the cervix of an older, married woman known only as “2-E Failenson” (played by Patricia Neal). He has an amazing amount of sex with “2-E” while showing almost no affection for her.
Not only that, but the money is also right out in the open. She clearly leaves cash for him on the nightstand, offers to bankroll a weekend away for him and Holly, and she talks to him like he’s a rented piece of meat. The bottom line is Paul’s income ain’t coming from his pen…it’s coming from his penis.
In other words, Holly’s vagina has one of those “Now Serving” signs like the customer service desk at Wal-Mart. Paul wears enough tread off “2-E’s” tires he should probably have a steel-belted radial Trojan…and yet nobody figures out how that complicates the love story between Holly and Paul. It boils down to Paul’s main attraction for Holly seems to be he wants to be the “shining knight” to her “damsel in distress.”
He wants to save her from being even more of a mess than he is, but he clearly has no idea how to do that. There’s a fun level of gallantry in his self-serving pointlessness. It’s almost like the relationship between Paul and Holly is an omelette made with eggs which weren’t broken; they were emotionally shattered.
To me, the two best examples of how truly scrambled their psyches really are come in the fact Holly makes Paul go to the train station to tell her “husband” Doc Golightly (played by Buddy Ebsen…more on him later) that she isn’t going back home with him…and Paul willingly does her “dirty work.” If that doesn’t paint the picture, then explain to me Holly’s obsession with trying to rename Paul after her brother Fred?
Oddly enough, that’s not the only “Fred”-related bit of weirdness here…
7) Did You Know Fred Flintstone was a Mobster?
“Sally Tomato” is the jailed mob boss for whom Holly plays messenger. When you watch this movie, every time you hear Sally say something, close your eyes and tell me what you hear. What you should be picturing is Fred Flintstone, because “Sally Tomato” is played by Alan Reed…who also voiced the iconic 1960s cartoon character. Now that you know that, every time you hear Sally speak, you’ll be waiting for him to order a rack of ribs so big it flips over his car.
That brings to something which always bothered me about “The Flintstones;” the size difference between Fred and Wilma. Fred looks like he’s two brontosaurus ribs away from a prehistoric lap-band. I mean, rule #1 of “portion control” has to be your entrée doesn’t flip over your fucking car, right? Not to mention, something isn’t right when you have that much food and Wilma still looks like Bedrock’s version of Karen Carpenter. But on the topic of eating disorders…
8 ) Was Audrey Hepburn Already Dying?
“Dem Bones…”
Yeah, I know she lived for three decades after this movie was made before cancer killed her in 1993. Despite that, her appearance in “Breakfast Tiffany’s” set the tone for the “heroin chic” fashion craze of the 1990s. This is one of those problems immediately solved by casting Marilyn Monroe in the role of “Holly.” As previously mentioned, Truman Capote intended for “Holly” to ooze sex appeal. “Sorry, not sorry” in advance to all you “Hepburn-o-philes” out there, but Marilyn Monroe had more of that in her left big toe than Audrey Hepburn had in the entirely of he 87 ½-pound body. Seriously, how can somebody who looks like they have the mother of all tapeworms be in a movie that has a meal right in the title? Maybe this film could have been more aptly titled “Bulimia at Tiffany’s.”
Having said all that, let’s get to the truly disturbing aspect here. A great number of the men who find Audrey Hepburn powerfully attractive are Italian fashion designers, pedophiles, and others who exhibit more than moderate turgidity at the physiques of 11-year old boys. There’s more evidence of that in Capote’s novella; Peppard’s “Paul” was changed significantly from the book. In the novella, Holly Golightly refers to Paul as a “Maude;” a slang term for a male prostitute.
Fret not, gang…before you sharpen your crayon to write me some pointed hate-mail, just wait…it’s going to get worse…
9) The studio wanted to remove the only good thing about this movie
Upon his preview screening of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” Paramount executive Martin Rackin hated “Moon River;” a track composed by Henry Mancini and written by Johnny Mercer. To her credit, Audrey Hepburn was reported to have said the song would be removed “over my dead body.” The song would go on to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song.
What an idiot.
10) Another casting change that could have fixed this movie
I’m not going to spoil the ending for those of you whose curiosity might have been peaked here; after all, this is about a movie lots of people consider a classic. So, check it out and form your own opinions. The one thing I will tell you…the ending is total bullshit.
Once they couldn’t get Marilyn Monroe, director Blake Edwards wanted Steve McQueen to play opposite Audrey Hepburn. They couldn’t get him either because he was under contractual obligations for the television western “Wanted: Dead or Alive” despite the fact he was interested in the part. But putting McQueen could have allowed for the perfect setting for the conclusion which would have made perfect sense. After all the bullshit she’s put Paul through, the film ends with him punching Holly dead in the face and walking off in the rain…fade to black and roll the credits.
11) The Type-Casting of Buddy Ebsen
Yeah, I know most people younger than me never even heard of George Peppard outside of his role as Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith on the 1980s action-adventure series “The A-Team,” but short of possibly being a bi-sexual prostitute, his Hollywood career doesn’t offer the lurid possibilities that of Buddy Ebsen does.
A recurring feature in this series is noting a phenomenon I call “reverse typecasting.” This happens when when you see an actor who played a role in something which became part of this country’s cultural fabric, and even when you see them in something made before their face became associated with an iconic character, that’s all you can see. Fair or not, my first exposure to Buddy Ebsen was “The Beverly Hillbillies.” Yeah, I know the guy had a long career and was in a ton of stuff, but there’s just no way I can see him and not immediately think “Jed Clampett.”
The good news is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” solved that problem. The bad news is now I think Buddy Ebsen might have been a “Level III” sex offender. Seriously, have you ever noticed that throughout out his career, Ebsen always has women around him who are creepily younger than he is?
Think about it. It starts with this movie. “Doc” is easily old enough to be Holly “Lula Mae” Golightly’s father, and yet he’s supposedly married to her. Flash the clock forward by a decade or so, and you have the geriatric detective Barnaby Jones and his former Miss America sidekick Lee “Catwoman” Merriwether, who is also unnaturally close at all times and may very well be one-third his age. But the best example is why Ebsen shows up in this category.
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If you recall, Ebsen’s “Jed Clampett” was the patriarch of a piece-meal family unit consisting of two “stray cat” cousins, an elderly grandmother, and himself. Despite the fact that Donna Douglas’ “Elly May” was always belabored to be an animal-collecting tom-boy who WAS NOT Jed’s daughter, we were all reminded more often than necessary that she was really every bit the prototypical 1960s Monroe-esque voluptuous blonde sex-bomb. There’s tons of episodes of “The Beverly Hillbillies” in which Donna Douglas is shown in lingerie or revealing swimwear for some sort of quasi-gratuitous reason, and 10 will get you 20 she had to “model” all of them in Buddy Ebsen’s dressing room.
Too bad the gold-digger Holly didn’t hang on to Doc Golightly…if she had only waited a few years when Ol’ Jed’s a millionaire. Talk about a plan that didn’t come together…
Conclusion:
The reason there were so many Wal-Mart references in this piece: Both Paul and Holly are both pretty low-rent human beings, and this movie isn’t worthy of being included in the $5 cheap DVD bin along with “The Bodyguard,” “Airplane II,” and pretty much anything with Steven Seagal.
FUN FACT: Alan Reed isn’t the only famous cartoon voice which appears in this movie. Mel Blanc (the voice of Warner Brothers) lends his pipes to an unseen drunk at Holly’s house party.
You can see all the movies I hate here.
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Movies Everybody Loves That I Hate – Episode 8: “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” Today's Movie: Breakfast at Tiffany's Year of Release: 1961 Stars: Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard, Patricia Neal…
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Story 5: the devil and Ms. Vallen
Big Horn Memorial County Hospital, February, 2:03 pm 16th, 2019.
You get kind of used to hospital beds after a while, they’re comfy honestly. Well, comfy is subjective so just take my word that it isn’t horrible. They bring you three meals a day, which was already more than I’m used to when compared to my two, one during school lunch and one in the early morning, a light snack as I leave the house to hold me over. People think that’s weird; one nurse was actually surprised when I told her that and asked why my parents were “so irresponsible.” I never had the heart to tell her, nor anyone else who worked here. They were god sends compared to the people I deal with all the time. I’m a black sheep at school at this point, my fascination with horror and the rush it gives me has always made people question my sanity, their questions often echoed in my mind when I was alone. Maybe it was the never being alone here that really helped me more than anything. Beth, Chuck, my roommates who rotated more than a wheel, the nurses and doctors who came in to check on me. It was nice. It was Chuck’s turn with me now, but Beth was never willing to leave the room when he was here. He had cuffed me to the bed, as was normal for someone to do to a suspect in a hospital, even though I wasn’t. “Can never be too safe” he says every time he slapped them on me. It was bizarre but strangely normal for me at this point. Beth would always complain about it, at one point even calling the FBI office in Big Horn and insisting he be charged with police brutality after he accidentally cuffed me too tight one time. I laughed way louder than I should’ve when I heard “police brutality” come out of her mouth. Chuck threw some pictures down for me to look at. They still only had Earth Eater evidence, “We’re working on getting more” he’d say if I ever mentioned that they were all from the same day. I was surprised I took so many pictures of the scenes, and how few of them actually mattered. Thank god I had the only picture that mattered back at my place, the one that could tie Beth and eventually all of us back to this. Browsing photos was oddly the best part of my day, besides spending time with Beth when I could. “There really isn’t anything more here than there was last time.” I said, trying to be as gentle yet direct as possible. Chuck let out a sigh “I’m aware of that, Ms. Vallen.” Ms. Vallen... that made me sound like a professional or something. I never bothered to correct him on it, it felt nice to finally have someone actually look at me as a superior. I figured I would try and lighten the mood a little. “So, I think I’m getting discharged today! Maybe I can finally get to see that office you talk so much about hating?” He laughed, his laugh was low and soft and sent a feeling of joy gently rippling through my body. “Maybe you will,” he said, “and maybe you’ll finally get to spend a night in your own bed, whenever she” he gestured towards Beth “feels like leaving you alone long enough to.” I giggled, Beth on the other hand wasn’t such a fan of it. I just think she didn’t like him, but eventually she caved and laughed a little too. He left the pictures, handed me his card like he had a hundred times, shook my hand and left, wishing me and Beth well. Beth sat down next to me and took my hand in hers, sighing. “Juni, do you think he’s on to us?” I... had honestly never thought of that before. I still really don’t, no point in it now a days. I shook my head reassuringly, but I had no real clue, like I said before. She smiled softly, calming down a little bit more, her body going from tensed up to practically melting in the chair. Can’t blame her, it was hot in here. The only time I really got chills in this room is if she asked questions like that. I asked for her to hand me my phone and started checking for things nearby for when I got out. As nice as this place was, I was still the same girl who broke into an abandoned house and found the girl sitting next to me doing the same.
Big Horn Memorial County Hospital, February, 11:55 pm 16th, 2019.
When they said “later today,” apparently hospitals mean more of the later and less of the today part of that statement. The once nice staff were somehow taking their sweet time and tripping over themselves rushing to get me out of there at the same time. I gave Beth a call to let her know I was out and got an annoyed groan and a “give me five minutes.” Lazy as she is, she really did mean five minutes, even though going the speed limit and staying on the road the fastest her and Mickey, my other personal Uber, could’ve gotten here was fifteen minutes. I wasn’t complaining, it was too late for me to do so anyways. I hopped in and hoped there weren’t any approaching sirens. My plans to get ice cream were still on, even if we had to go somewhere a little out of the way. We must’ve looked like drunk college kids, the three of us rolling up to an ice cream place late at night, the only real clothes I had being Micky’s jacket and my hospital gown. While the others browsed the flavors, I snuck off to the bathroom to put on real clothes. The stalls were small, but they were stalls nonetheless so I went in one and locked the door, making sure it was locked a few times before undressing. A scream echoed through the bathroom, sounding like it had come from the stall next to me. I quickly peaked under, half dressed, to see what was going on. I was completely alone in here, my search told me as such. My skin started to crawl, not because I was afraid but quite literally it felt like my skin was... crawling. Imagine the feeling of worms in your arms, that’s what I was feeling. I quickly reached into my bag trying to find my clothes but magically only being able to find the book. “Nope, nope nope nope NOPE! Not this time! Leave me out of your magic fairy war or whatever the hell it is! My life was normal before I found you!” I screamed at it. I didn’t really mean most of those nopes, but the book didn’t care. It threw itself at my face, as if shushing me and flung open to a page. Reading it, I suddenly noticed I haven’t had my camera for a while. I dug through my bag. Nope. I threw on my clothes and read the page over again aloud. “Mr. Yuki, an artifact hunter who was formerly a warlock who became so corrupted by his own dark magic that in 1982 he turned into the beast Native tribes called a wendigo. Yuki doesn’t survive off of just human flesh, in fact Yuki doesn’t truly need anything to survive as some hunters have noticed. It uses its dark powers and high intelligence to isolate Artifact Bearers and drain their artifacts. Yuki has also been known to steal artifacts from their Bearers for other monsters with dark intentions.” I bolted out of the bathroom, panting. Despite the bathroom being so small it felt like I had been running miles. I grabbed my camera from off Mickey’s neck and put it around mine. He looked at me confused, “Juniper, are you ok?” I nodded before realizing I kinda forgot pants. I made my way back to the bathroom, the feeling slowly subsiding. I sighed and wiggled back into my pants, rolling my eyes at how stupid I was being. I came back out, with pants this time, and came up to the counter, hoping everyone would drop it. Judging from their face though, I wouldn’t be off the hook that easy. At least they still let me get ice cream. I got a double scoop of strawberry and threw whatever money I had in my pockets down on the counter. “Isn’t that a little much for ice cream?” Beth asked, literally counting what I threw down and checking the prices on the board behind the counter, giving him the proper amount of the fifty dollars in varying coins and bills that I had thrown down. I hugged her, shaking. “Why is this my life?” I asked in her shoulder, barely standing from how weak I was feeling. She hugged me tight, not really knowing what to say but still trying anyway. “Juni, you aren’t doing this alone, I know this is hard but we’re doing this together.” She held me out so I could look in her eyes. “I love you.” She said softly, reaching for the camera and slowly lifting it up from around my neck. I grabbed it, whispering “How do I know I can trust you with this?” She sighed and kissed my cheek, and I let go, seeing Mickey's reaction out of the corner of my eye. “Mickey, I don’t want to hear it. Whatever you think of us you-” He held up a hand and cut her off “I’m not mad, I just wish you told me sooner is all. I’m happy for you guys.” That made me feel good. Beth passed it off to Mickey, “I’m not gonna do that but you just got to trust me” he joked, getting a sad yet genuine laugh from me. The cashier handed me my ice cream and we took it with us to go.
The Vallen residence 7:15 am, February 17th,2019.
The sound of the alarm clock beside me filled the room like the cacophony of annoyance it is. I slammed on the broken snooze button a couple hundred times before finally just giving up and letting it beep its heart out. I tiredly rolled out of bed, hitting the floor with a loud thud, a thud loud enough to wake Beth, who was asleep downstairs out of concern for me. The only thing louder than my sudden escape from sleep that morning was the girl who loved me, storming up there before I could even get used to being on the ground for a second. She kneeled down beside me, and asked me the normal stuff you’d expect for someone who just fell out of bed, but with a lot more concern. You could hear her voice shake as she asked me, afraid that I was truly hurt again. I wasn’t but the sentiment was nice, it was new to have someone check up on me, so it definitely caught me off guard. I slowly picked myself up and walked out, the carrot top, who hates when I call her that but in the funny kind of way, stalking closely behind. Her gaze was always on me that morning, whether it was love or fear, it was kind of odd. What was even weirder was I could’ve sworn someone...pushed me out of bed, but I was alone in the room so how was that even possible?
Unnamed forest near the Vallen residence, 10:20 am, February 17th,2019.
There’s only so much of the same four walls you can see before it becomes annoying, and since our ride was probably going to be asleep for a while, I grab my camera and asked Beth if she wanted to go down the nature trail I always go down when things get too much. She agreed and we were off. My normal trail was easy to find, always is when you’ve done it a hundred times. There’re three trails, one for hikers, one for park staff to get back to the watch station, and one no one knows about. For those of you who know me and Beth, it should be no surprise that the old, abandoned trail that no one knows about is the one we took. There, you could see it all, everything nature had to offer. Deer, birds, hell even a bear’s den if you got the balls for it. On the trail was this abandoned mine shaft, covered by boards with stuff like “DO NOT ENTER” horribly spray painted on. Any other day this would’ve flown well with me, but for some reason I wanted nothing more than to go in there. I tried tugging against the boards but they wouldn’t move. “When did you plan on telling me it opened?” Beth asked. “What are you talking about?” I asked, the gentle, cold tap of the “Children’s survival guide” against my arm answering my question. “I came out here because we need to talk about yesterday. And the 14th. And about you.” I turned away, refusing to look at her. “Juni, I understand your need to do this stuff, I really do, but... you need to learn to relax. Let me hold onto... the ‘Artifact’ for a week, trust me, nothing will happen.” I didn’t want to, but the pain in her voice didn’t make me feel like I had much of a choice. She seemed scared, like at any point I could become the most dangerous thing in the world, and I was tired of being on edge all the time. She adjusted the strap to fit her a little better and smiled as she put the camera around her neck. I finally felt like a normal person, for once in a long time.
The Vallen residence 11:25 am, February 17th, 2019.
“God, she makes this look so easy.” was what had crossed my mind as soon as I took the camera from Juniper. The rush that had filled me then and had still filled me now was... otherworldly. Whether good or bad was beyond me, all I knew was I left the realm of normal long ago, this was just another step further in. I sighed as I sank down into the couch, stress from the constant reminders of what I’d joined had followed me everywhere, but I never expected a monster to actively get that close to us. I looked briefly at the scar on my arm from the last time one got that close, “yep, still there” I mumbled to myself as Juniper went upstairs, finally feeling like she could sleep again. I was happy to see her go, not because I didn’t love her but because she clearly needed a me day, she never bothered to take one since this all began. “Do you really think she’s gonna be ok? After all she’s been through?” I knew who it was, I didn’t even have to check. “I’m not doing this; you’ve done enough already anyways” I muttered angerly to the voice. “Really? You keep bringing hell to her doorstep and then have the nerve to get mad at me?!” It said, pissed at her for letting her do what she does and me for letting her, which is fair. I ignored it, turning on some music to try and drown it out. It wasn’t much use but I had to do something. The phone rang, and just like that it was gone, replaced with the voice of Mickey when I picked up. Except...It wasn’t him, it sounded like someone trying to be him. The pain in my arm telling me whatever it was, it’s other worldly. “Have you seen Juniper?” He said to me, I tried to ignore it but it’s an overwhelming amount of “this is bad” screeching, searing pain. “Who are you? Why are you fucking pretending to be my friend?” I was pissed, but not as pissed as the beast on the other end which had started growling. “I don’t know if you’re smart or an idiot for calling me out, either way I don’t have time for this...” A ringing sound filled my ears as I slowly saw myself turn into a monster, grey skin and sharp teeth, thinned black hair and pale eyes...I didn’t really know what to do, Juniper came down, yawning. Yawn turned to scream when she saw me, and I did the only thing my body would let me do, tear her throat out, a flash and suddenly everyone I loved was there...dead in front of me. “STOP IT” I tried to scream, but the words were drowned by the ringing noise. Suddenly I was normal again, and everything was gone. Everything except the monster on the other end. “Bring me the artifact, or else.” I didn’t even know where to start with my questions; Where’s Mickey, who even was this, WHAT was this, but I didn’t have the chance to ask as I was cut off by the sound of him hanging up. The once protective weapon around my neck had started to burn just from holding it, but something was...drawing me back to the woods. I didn’t know if Juni would’ve been angrier if I lost the camera or Mickey, and at this point I didn’t care, I had a friend to go save.
Unnamed forest near the Vallen residence 1:00 pm, February 17th,2019.
I sprinted down the path as fast as my legs would possibly take me. I knew I was running into something I wasn’t ready for, something this powerful and malicious was certainly willing to kill and I had no way of knowing what I was going into but I didn’t have a choice, after all I’ve done I had to at least save Mickey, that’s all I could really tell myself as I got closer and closer to the mine, each step bringing me further from reality and into this monster’s new reality, where I would be alone and powerless to defend myself. The burning pain of the camera got less and less, step by step I could feel it crawling into my brain, a single thought: “I lived a good life, right?” The boards came off with loud snaps, each board louder and easier than the last, like each one had been there longer than the last. With a final snap, the boards had been cleared, and a sudden rush of what I could only guess was the smell of rotting corpses flooded the air, forcing me to nearly hack up a lung just from the smell alone. The sight inside was even worse than the smell, from the outside, dust that filled the door way made it impossible to know what it was for sure but once inside a pile of corpses was clear in the middle of the room. On the walls you could see names written in blood, like whoever or whatever had been here was showing of its kills. In the pile I could distinguish a few police officers, telling me that what I was walking into was bound to be awful. I grabbed a gun from one of the corpses, a revolver with a few shots loaded into it, and slowly made my way through a small opening in the right most wall. Despite how natural this place is, the shaping and damage and hell even furniture made it all feel...like someone’s home, a table and oil lamp that hasn’t worked for a while had been the only things to really look at. The hole was tight, barely enough room for me, and long enough to make it trigger claustrophobia in even the bravest of people. It felt like I had been going for hours before I finally saw anything, but soon a light in a hole on the other end signaled hope for me...or death. At this point, either was better than the hole. As I got closer towards the light, the hole opened more until there was enough room for me to stand. Once on my feet, I saw what the light was: an oil lamp hanging on a doorway, this one as old as the last but somehow working. The door was a dark oak, the handle a bright steel yet covered in rust. Opening the door an office that had a familiar feeling but I couldn’t quite pick it out. The familiarity, however weird, was comforting enough for me to go in, the door slamming shut behind me. Trying to turn the knob was pointless, but I tried anyway. As if on cue, a man came in, a suit and tie. He set his hat down on his desk and sat by the fire place, puffing a cigar. “oh...now I remember.” I thought to myself, seeing the markings on his arm, an old symbol from a cult that disappeared long ago. A young girl ran in, jumping into her dad’s lap. He stroked her hair gently, telling her about their plans for today. I checked the date on the paper next to him. April 16th, 1922. The day Ania Barnes went missing and her family turned up dead at a cult sacrifice. Conveniently, Mr. Barnes leaves out the whole “join the rest of the cult to go sacrifice someone” bit of his plans for the day. As nice as all this was, I had somewhere to be. I flung open the door the girl came in through and kept walking until I made it back to the mine. Looking back to make sure I didn’t miss anything, I saw a gap in the wall that lead back to the entrance, big enough for a semitruck to slide right through. “Damn, how did I miss that?” I muttered to myself, realizing how insane I sounded but not caring. A deep, growly voice called my name from the darkness. “Give it to me!” The creature screamed, lunging forward enough for me to see it. Dark fur covered most of its body, exposed bone being the only real injury I could find, and a dear skull for a head. “I need to know he’s alive, first.” I said, my voice shaking. “You’re in no place to negotiate here, Beth” It said, a mocking tone in its voice as it said my name. I knew it was right, it knew it was right, I’m sure Hellen Keller knew it was right, and yet it still did it anyways. It reached into the darkness and threw down my friend, clawed, beaten and bruised but alive. He sat up slowly, groaning. Slowly pulling him away from this thing, I set the camera down for it to do whatever it wanted with. The creature took it and chuckled, “this will be nice.” I didn’t care for it too much; I dragged my now unconscious friend back to the house to lick our wounds and get ready to die another day.
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West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 1/6/17
Happy New Year! Welcome to 2017, where we’re gonna lose even more celebrities than we did last year! That’s right, kiss Betty White goodbye!
On the movie front, since we last got together, I saw Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Yeah, it didn’t do much for me. Now, let me back up a bit. I did miss the first 20 minutes because I had double-booked the night. So, I did miss the setup, but my friend caught me up so I’d know who everyone was. There was Hector “Space” Gonzalez, and Trixie Bang Bang, and Gay Karate Man, and He Who Shoots From Canister Vacuum. And they were fighting the evil Sir Capes A Lot, who was building the Death Star. I got all that. Still, something about it just left me empty. I feel like it’s a giant Easter egg of a movie for those hardcore Star Wars fans, but I’m not sure what it offers the casual fan. ***SPOILER ALERT***I mean, it’s just one big suicide mission. It’s impressive how they’ve worked it into the existing tapestry of A New Hope, but it’s not a story that had to be told, especially since no one made it off that beach. Just kinda bummed me out***END SPOILER***. Anyway, every Star Wars fan I know loved it, so I’m happy for them.
I finally watched the Justice League Action special I mentioned in the last post. It was OK. I mean, I loved that a lot of familiar voices were back, like Kevin Conroy and Khary Randolph, but I’m not sure I’m sold on the animation. First thing to remember is that it’s not the Justice League/Justice League Unlimited that we got over 10 years ago. It’s aimed at a younger audience, and the episodes are best described as “bite sized”. In the special, the Trinity team up with Captain Marvel, Swamp Thing, Green Arrow, Plastic Man and John Constantine to fight evil D’Jinn brothers. It was OK. Like, it wasn’t riveting, but it felt like the kind of thing that would be released directly to DVD. Not sure I’m gonna be DVRing it every Saturday morning. What did y’all think?
Since I’ve been a booster of it since the development stage, it’s with heavy heart that I can confirm that Girl Meets World has been canceled by Disney Channel. I was a huge fan of Boy Meets World, as I feel like I basically grew up with Corey, Shawn, and Topanga. Their stories weren’t as zany as the TNBC fare, but they weren’t always heavy, either. Sure, every now and then you’d get an episode about how Shawn’s poor white trash, but those episodes were few and far between. So, that’s kinda what I expected from Girl Meets World. And I’ve gotta say I was disappointed because that show got heavy as FUCK sometimes! Is there a God? Why did Maya’s dad leave? Is Farkle autistic? It’s like every episode just HAD to teach a lesson. Oh, and they reminded us Maya was poor white trash every possible chance they could get.
I loved the legacy aspect of it, but it just didn’t hit on all cylinders like I felt Fuller House did (which, by the way, was just renewed for a 3rd season on Netflix). Sure, Full House was treacly dreck, but then again, so was a lot of Boy Meets World. They were both ensconced in the world of TGIF at one time or another, and had similar ingredients. I just feel like Fuller House came back with nothing to prove, while Girl Meets World seemed like it was fulfilling some mandate from Disney that it had to be educational. It is surprising, however, that it’s not getting a fourth season, as Disney tends to love their 100-episode runs – the point at which the shows become no longer profitable to produce. Sure, Even Stevens and Lizzie McGuire only ran two seasons, but later hits like That’s So Raven and Hannah Montana got four seasons.
To be honest, part of me feels like the cancellation stems from star Rowan Blanchard’s tweets last year, where she came out as identifying as queer. Now, Disney is a pretty progressive company, but I’m not sure they knew how to spin that, and the renewal question has been up in the air since then. Still, a lot of folks are discussing the fact that Raven-Symone is a lesbian, yet she has her That’s So Raven reboot coming to Disney Channel, so maybe I’m wrong. Some fans are hoping the show will be picked up by Freeform (formerly ABC Family), where it could tackle more mature themes, but I think it’s done for now. The final 3 episodes air this month.
In TV news, there were a few bait and switch situations this week. First up, it was reported that Will & Grace was definitely coming back for a limited 10-episode run following the success of that voting video they did a few months back. Recurring guest star Leslie Jordan started blabbing that it was a done deal until Debra Messing finally came out and said that nothing had moved past the talking stage at this point. On the one hand, I loved Will & Grace during a tumultuous time in my life, but I’m kinda done with it. I want a Will & Grace reunion about as much as I wanna see a Mad About You reunion (God, that was a horrible finale!). Still, Hollywood’s out of ideas, so I’d say it’s still happening.
Next up, reports came out of The International Consumer Electronics Show that Conan would be moving to a weekly schedule, a la Full Frontal with Samantha Bee and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. It’s been rumored that the show had been having trouble booking high profile guests, and the best ratings came from when Conan would travel and tape on location. By the end of yesterday, however, TBS reported that there were no plans for a format change “at this time”. So, just like with Will & Grace, it’s happening. They’re just upset they couldn’t get in front of it fast enough.
Speaking of cable shows, Archer is finally moving to FXX this season. The original plan was for FXX to be Fox’s cable comedy network, while FX would handle the dramas. However, when FXX launched, it just became the home of The Simpsons until It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia got shuffled over there. The fact that they didn’t move Louie and Archer, however, made it seem like a vote of no confidence for the spinoff network. Archer’s is little long in the tooth these days, and it’s no longer the crown jewel it once was, but I wonder if it’s got the juice to get more eyeballs on FXX. I hope it works because I love Man Seeking Woman and You’re The Worst over there, and they could both use more viewers.
In comic news, DC Entertainment President Geoff Johns confirmed that there would soon be an announcement regarding a new DCTV television show. Now, it’s not clear if this is another Berlantiverse series, a la Arrow/The Flash, or an unconnected show like Gotham. I’m curious if it’s just a confirmation of the Black Lightning show that had already been ordered to pilot by Fox, or if it’s something completely different. Also, it’s being reported that Johns will write some Watchmen comics this summer. This is a terrible idea since so many fanboys treat Watchmen like it’s their Bible, so there’s no way this will be well-received. They tried the Before Watchmen series, which didn’t really catch fire. They just had to go and reintroduce the concept in DC Universe Rebirth #1, so now I guess they’ve gotta do something with it. I’ve never felt Watchmen was “untouchable”, but I have no desire to revisit that world, so this project simply isn’t for me.
In wrestling news, it’s being reported that Diamond Dallas Page and “Ravishing” Rick Rude will be inducted into the 2017 class of the WWE Hall of Fame during Wrestemania weekend. The latter one really means a lot to me. I think Rick Rude was my first favorite wrestler because he was my introduction to the concept of a “ladies man”. The way he would pick a random woman out of the audience, and bring her into the ring. He’d kiss her, she’d pass out, and then he’d gyrate over her. That was a true pimp move right there! Like most wrestlers, he died before his time, so I guess he’s gyrating over angels now.
Things You Might Have Missed This Week
Supergirl star Melissa Benoist divorced her husband of 21 months, Blake Jenner
Woody Harrelson is in talks to portray Obi-Wan’s mentor in an upcoming Star Wars film
Former UFC champion Ronda Rousey lost to Amanda Nunes in 48 seconds, after training for over a year for her comeback.
A Charmed reboot is in the works at The CW. It’s reported to be set in the 70s, but will have some kind of connection to the original series.
Mariah Carey “lost the plot”, as out British friends might say, when her pre-recorded track messed up on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. She claims they intentionally sabotaged her for ratings, while Dick Clark Productions reports that she didn’t even come to soundcheck.
80’s pop star Richard Marx and wife, former VJ Daisy Fuentes, subdued a crazed passenger on a Korean airline. In other news, how the Hell did Richard Marx land Daisy Fuentes?!
It was revealed that Drew Barrymore’s upcoming Netflix sitcom Santa Clarita Diet is actually a zombie show. Meh. I’ve been over zombies since 2006.
In Arizona, folks reported seeing a winged demon, heralding the beginning of the apocalypse. Yup, 2017 is gonna be swell!
When I first heard about The Mick, starring It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia‘s Kaitlin Olsen, a lot of thoughts went through my head: Is Sunny over? Is Fox gonna bury it? Will it even be funny? Luckily, I got my answers pretty quickly. No, Sunny is still going, as they scheduled The Mick around its shooting schedule. Fox didn’t bury it, but instead gave it some prime real estate after one of the last regular season football games of the season. And was it funny? Yeah, it’s funny.
If you haven’t heard of it, Olson stars as MacKenzie “Mickey” Murphy who’s going nowhere in life. She’s got no money, no prospects, and a deadbeat boyfriend. She decides to pay a visit to her wealthy sister to hit her up for a loan when the FBI raids the party, carting her sister off to jail for fraud. Once released, Mickey’s sister and brother in law flee the country, leaving their 3 kids in Mickey’s care. There’s the college bound bitch daughter, there’s the privileged snob teen son, and then there’s the precocious little boy who doesn’t really know what’s going on. Of course Mickey butts heads with the older two, while befriending the maid, Alba. The pilot plays out somewhat predictably, as most of it had been shown in TV spots leading up to the show. It’s the second episode where things really kick into gear. A loan shark comes after Micky, while she and Alba are getting high at a rave. Meanwhile, the kids’ bitchy grandmother has come to take over the house, and grandma doesn’t play!
I thoroughly enjoyed both episodes that aired this week. As I said before, it debuted on Sunday, which I feel is a better night for it. Instead, however, its regular timeslot is Tuesdays at 8:30, following New Girl. It being a Fox show, however, it probably doesn’t have a prayer. After all, I thought Grandfathered would be a sure thing, and now Stamos is back on Fuller House duty. No, I doubt we get a second season of this thing, but I’ll enjoy it while it’s here. That’s why The Mick had the West Week Ever.
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