#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything
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there is literally not a worse feeling that exists than the feeling that you just annoy people.
#just doesn't exist. I'm so fucking isolated right now i absolutely hate it. and the people that ARE close to me?#i feel that i annoy them the most and one of them is actively pushing me away#i can't find anyone to be friends with me IRL here in Jersey. it's been almost nine months here#and I don't have a single IRL friend. i try online apps and support groups but nothing clicks#and the people that chat with me on the apps stop answering after 2 messages.#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything#but she is so fucking caught up in her own head that she literally avoids me. so that sucks!!#i know she's suffering bc she is so worried about me but. it's a really big slap in the face that#we've supported each other thru thick and thin the past 8 years. and i dropped everything for her more than once#but in my time of biggest need when I'm the most alone I've ever been in my adult life???#she cannot show up for me. that fucking sucks.#and I've distanced myself from my only close family bc they've severely mistreated me so.#all i have is my partner. who means the world to me and sacrifices so much to help me!!#but it comes at the cost of CONSTANTLY feeling like a huge fucking annoyance to the only person in my life#who is genuinely able to show that they love and care for me. that's literally awful to feel.#we just had our 5 year anniversary and i needed something really celebratory so badly.#and it didn't happen and our ''anniversary'' was just at home#and our official anniversary of starting dating is on veterans Day. and we won't even be in the same fucking region#so I'll be alone with my shitty family.#i hate it i feel so unappreciated and unwanted and like nothing about me is ever enough.#negative#audio
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Ok so- what about a Royalty + Magic Shuggy AU? (+ Fem Buggy 'cause I love her)
In this AU, Shanks is a prince in the human world, while Buggy is a princesse in the magic world. They meet during their childhood while Buggy "accidentaly" (she just wanted to have a little adventure) goes to the human world, and the red head is enchanted by her uncommon blue hair and red nose. The two start to see each other regularly, but, they never tell each other they're royalty.
Shuggy were 7-8 when this happen, and their friendshipp ends up turning into a secret unofficial relatonship when they're 17. Everything is fine, until Shanks is named the King at the age of 18 and they fight (probably 'cause the richs initiated to intent to arrrange a marriage between Shanks and their daughters, and him kind of "don't do anything", while he does but don't have much/none result. Or Shanks ends up thinking she only wants money, because Buggy never accept shows up in front of the kingdom), leading to a break up.
Buggy is upset, really upset. She thinks about going back and telling the truth about her not being from his world, but then she see Shanks in a "date" with a girl (a daughter from some rich man), and thinks that actually he never loved her and just wanted the "emotion" from having a big secret. That now he is with someone he really loves (he isn't, he is regretting leting she go).
+10 years later, both were 29-30 and they never talk or even see each other again. Shanks only tells about Buggy to Benn and Mihawk (both don't believe it totally), while Buggy only tells her childhood best friends from the magic world, Alvida and Crocodile. She and Crocodile marry forced by their parents (but they don't mind. Yes, their marriage won't be with romantic love but at least they will be with someone they trusth).
Shanks, Benn and Mihawk, while going to a reunion in another kingdom, accidentaly go to the magic world after a accident in their ship. They are send to the king and queen, to be decided what do with them. Can think how much Shanks is surprised seeing the love of his life married?
Buggy decide to let them heal the injure before going back to the human world, and in the castle. She's confused, after more than 10 fucking years she's seeing her past lover?! And he's wanting to talk suddendly?!
Crocodile knows she never really moved on about Shanks, so even if this will make some fights with theirs parents, he's ready to divorce to her if she wants to marry Shanks (Crocodile may be serious but is a good friend).
Well, hope you enjoy the AU! I am a new anon and you can gave me any nickname you want ^^
I've never had an anon ask for a nickname themselves, so I will give you the very human name of: " J i m ", you are now human Jim, congrats!!! :))
Ok you covered a long timeline! I can tell you've thought about it for a bit.
Some of my thoughts if you don't mind...↓
I'd like to think that kid Buggy would escape to the human world as a break. A break from her duties and all the pampering. Yes, she lives being treated like a princess, but for a kid especially, it can be tiring. So maybe she travels with her own powers, or maybe a magic item. Though my favorite is if it's a type of tunnel or hole that she found, like in Alice in Wonderland or like in Coraline. The first time she crawled through with her big pompous dress and got it all dirty so she got scolded. From then on she learned to take a second pair of clothes before she crossed to the other world.
Shanks on the other hand, in my opinion, would be a very wild child. A bit like Luffy. So him stumbling onto the place where Buggy crosses from world to world seems very probable hahaha.
I think for Shanks it was love at first sight. He couldn't stop staring at her, he would think she was the most beautiful girl in the land. And the more he got to know her the deeper he fell in love with her. For Buggy it probably took at least a few months for her to develop a crush on him. After all, he's nice to her, he's fun and funny, he treats her like an equal and seems to like her too.
Shanks being with another girl is the ultimate betrayal. For Buggy, the one who has so many insecurities. Being replaced by the boy she gave her first kiss to? The one she wanted to get old with? Her best friend - the only one she thought could understand her, the only one she could trust?
When she marries Crocodile, she keeps complaining about Shanks. Always. Shanks this, Shanks that, even on their first wedding night - she flops onto the bed grumpily and starts talking about how she told explicitly that she didn't want that shade of red roses because they made her think of Shanks and the maids still put those exact ones. All Crocodile did was refrain from arguing and just thought about how good this marriage would be for the economy of both their kingdoms. With time they become good friends.
One day, Crocodile - in his study, hears the door slamming behind him to find his wife out of breath and red-faced. Before he could ask what was going on she told him "I- I just realized something... I..." she was ashamed and hesitant to say it "I think I still love him..."
Crocodile did his best not to roll his eyes.
She bites her lip and mutters another sentence that would make Crocodile's head spin "He uh... also he kinda followed me here... into our world..."
"He what!?" Crocodile dropped his inked-feather and almost fell off his chair.
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The 8th Sense ep 8
Okay, okay, I'm braced for the pain. Lies that I tell myself.
We must find our other half
Yup... I'm okay. I'm totally fine.
Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. I love you, but you need educating on this. They are fabulous, and that took a lot of work. I need a gif of them because hot damn. I need them to teach me how to do eye makeup.
Cyborg, "I still don't know what my usage is." "Why was I created?" Through the portrayal of a colorful psychiatric hospital, we can conclude that the message from the art director was: Psychiatric hospitals don't always have to be gloomy. It's okay to be colorful. Live the way you want.
It's like we are getting a message about both Jae Won and Ji Hyun mental state right now. Jae Won is questioning so much about himself right now, while Ji Hyun is hopeful. Who would have thought that Ji Hyun would turn into a sunshine character.
Aww, bless him, he said, please. 👀👀👀 Okay, they turned into an ass, but they still look fabulous.
Love these girls. "I thought she was throwing a one-person show." Oh, and look at sassy Ji Hyun!
GIFs from the lovely maxescheibechlinichacheli
This scene. Fuck me. And the cunt rolling her eyes!
No, he isn't going to forgive him because he is a jealous little boy. Yeah, and you'll be a victim the rest of your life. And so called gf is just keeping her mouth shut. Seriously, she slept with him.
Yes... This is really how I am like watching shows. Just ask some of the people who have watched them with me. @suga4mycoffee
Bestie doesn't realize that Jae Won is in self-destruction mode.
See, he isn't even trying, but here comes baby boy to his rescue. And we see the first signs of a real smile out of Jae Won as his baby talks. Look at this baby giving such a speech. Bless him.
Anybody else watched the two-year-old tantrum on repeat and clap? No, just me?
I'm getting so little joy. Just emotional damage. Let me enjoy what I can.
Baby boy all excited and happy for him. Jae Won just lets him walk away. Then baby boy sits there waiting on his call. Fuck!
Fucking sunshine baby, just texting away to no response. And don't get me wrong, I know that Jae Won is fucked in the head right now, but if you think that this won't have lasting effects on Ji Hyun. You haven't seen the effects of what ignoring can do. Generally, if this happens in a relationship, there will be serious clinging when rectified and a tendency towards stressing out.
"I knew you had a girl." Bestie was getting mad that he hadn't been told and took matters into his own hands. Don't let me down, bestie. Oh, fuck, but I love him!
"How can you keep this news from your best friend of 13 years!"
GIF by troubledmindzzz
Dude, I wish so much happiness on bestie. So much!
Ji Hyun, I'm gonna need you to take off those rose colored glasses. I adore that you know where Jae Won is coming from and will support. But ignoring your own feelings and emotional traumas from this is not good.
This is like saving someone who slid off a cliff, but your shoulder was pulled out of socket while doing so, and you just ignore the shoulder wound. It won't get better on its own! You can't ignore it!
I really love the bestie, though. Like so much. Somebody GIF them tapping coffee cups. I need these besties immortalized please!!!
Oh, there we go. When all is silent, and he is all alone, we see the peaks of his real emotions. Boiling just below the surface.
This cunt. He literally saved Jae Won from being expelled. If you really loved Jae Won, you'd be thanking Ji Hyun, but you don't give two shits about anyone but yourself. I love that Ji Hyun is giving it as good as he is getting it. YES!!!
I bet a bunch of people showed up at his work after her complaint. Nobody likes the bitch but boys who want her. Everyone else is like, if she doesn't go there, then that's where I want to be!
I love the boss.
GIF by ahsung
Fuck me, this scene!
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The Comfort Between Your Scars
Chapter 8
They ended up each grabbing a soft drink and a slice of pizza and sitting on the small brick wall jutting out from the house.
"This is starting to become one of the weirdest days I've had in a while... and you know what I do for a living, I've seen some crazy shit!"
Joel laughed. "Oh wait, so, does Mari know? Just 'cause she looked so shocked when you mentioned work"
"Yeah, couldn't exactly keep it from her for long." He took a bite of his pizza, then continued. "She kinda put the pieces together after a while. Kid's too damn smart for my liking. When she asked, I just told her the truth. She's mature enough not to care but I'm still not sure it was the right call. It really scares her sometimes, I think"
"So that's why you didn't wanna go home after that fight"
Noah nodded, sighing. "Knew she'd be waiting for me when I get home, she always does. So I try my best not to look too fucked up when I arrive"
Joel nodded. Noah's more caring side and the exhaustion in his eyes that mirrored Joel's own ever since Sarah's mother left made a lot more sense now, knowing he was the brother Mari occasionally told him about. A young man, having to take the role of a parent. A kid, really. Mari had mentioned that they'd had this dynamic even years before they left their mother's home.
"Well, it looks to me like you're just a guy trying his best to raise his siblings. Can't blame you for doing whatever you can to provide for them, or for not making the right call sometimes. 'Sides, Mari's really proud of you, I think. Doesn't always like to talk about your situation but when she does, she always praises you. Even when she's mad at you"
Noah smiled fondly. "Thanks, means a lot coming from a parent"
They sat in silence for a little while, eating their pizza. Joel considered asking more of the questions that had been nagging him ever since he got to know Mari - and now Noah - but before he had the opportunity, he was interrupted by Sarah and Mari approaching them, Jamie clinging to his sister's hand. Immediately, Noah's expression grew a little more concerned.
"Hey, everything alright?", he asked the youngest of the group, who was now burying his face in his side. Joel hadn't paid attention to it before but realised now how weird it was to see Noah in more casual clothes, wearing a brown hoodie and jeans, but still with his signature turtleneck. When Jamie didn't answer, he continued, stroking his hair.
"Is the party getting a bit much?"
Jamie nodded before looking up at him.
"Can I sit inside?"
"Well, you're gonna have to ask Mr. Miller, we're guests at his house." Noah explained warmly, smiling at him before looking over at Joel, a little apologetic. Joel smiled back and looked at the small figure huddling against Noah a little more shyly now.
"Oh, okay...", he nodded, "Um, Mr. Miller, can I sit inside? Uh, please. I promise I won't break anything." The boy's small voice and awkward manners made Joel smile.
"Yeah, of course. You can sit on the couch and I'm sure Sarah would be happy to let you stay in her room for a while too if you want"
Sarah nodded and Noah shot her another grateful smile before giving Jamie a small nudge.
"Oh! Thank you Mr. Miller!"
"Good job, kiddo!", Noah said softly, placing a kiss on Jamie's head.
"C'mon, let's get some pizza on the way!", Mari said, offering her hand to Jamie, who gladly accepted it and scurried off with the girls.
It was sweet to see Noah interacting with his siblings. Despite everything, he radiated so much warmth and love around them. Joel now had a pretty good guess as to the origins of that dino tattoo he'd noticed on his arm before.
"I don't know how you managed it but it looks to me like you've done a good job with them. Mari's been a good influence on Sarah, I think"
"Well, you're not such a bad parent yourself. She's the first real friend Mari made, y'know" Noah smiled, nudging him with his shoulder. "Thanks for being there for her so much, by the way"
Joel smiled and tried his best to believe Noah. It was hard not to second-guess himself but he reckoned that's just what being a parent was.
Before long, they were interrupted by the girls again.
"Jamie wants some alone time, he's in Sarah's room with some pizza and a cup of coke... sorry, just couldn't say no to him. It's only like half a cup, really!" Noah rolled his eyes but smiled at both of them warmly.
"Thanks for taking care of him"
"So, what are you old farts talking about?"
"Hey! Joel may be old but I certainly ain't!"
Joel gave Noah a small shove, laughing.
"We were just gossiping about you and all the trouble you get into"
"Nice try but you know damn well I don't get into trouble", Mari shot back, getting a sigh of defeat.
"Speak for yourself. I skip school every day to sell hardcore drugs. Almost been arrested like ten times but they never catch me, I'm way too fast!"
"Yeah, she's horrible. Always up to something shady!" Mari nodded wildly at Joel. "You should ground her!"
"Whatever", Sarah laughed, turning around when she saw Joel and Noah looking over her shoulder at the quickly approaching click of high heels.
It was one of the other parents, Joel had probably seen her a couple times but he couldn't be bothered trying to remember everyone's names. Sarah had way too many friends. She walked towards them with a scary determination in her eyes and Joel tried to think of what she could be angry at him about before realising her gaze was fixed on Noah. The girls quickly stepped out of the way as she rushed past them and slapped Noah right across the face hard.
Joel immediately got up, ready to scream at the woman (what the fuck did she think she was doing, just slapping people out of nowhere - at his daughter's birthday party no less!) but Noah stopped him, one hand in front of his chest, rubbing his cheek with the other.
"Ow. I'm sorry, do I know you?"
"Don't play dumb! How dare you show your face here? Around my child!"
Noah looked just as confused as Joel and the girls.
"Lady, I genuinely have no idea who you are"
"Oh, I bet you don't! Sleep with a lot of married men, then? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Tommy had rushed over to interject.
"What's going on?"
"This... whore seduced my husband! A year ago, he destroyed my marriage and now he has the nerve to show up here! Bet he doesn't even remember, probably too high on drugs!"
"Mrs. Newman, please calm-"
"Wait, hold on, Newman? What's your husband's first name?", Noah interjected
"...Teddy"
Mrs. Newman just stared at Noah, dumbfounded, while he thought for a moment.
"Dark hair, tall, creepy blue eyes?"
"Well, I wouldn't say-"
"Well, I think we both know I'm not actually one of the many reasons your marriage failed, let alone the main one. If I remember correctly, and I usually do, poor Ted was just desperately in need of a distraction. And emotional support for that matter. Doubt you wanna admit that publicly though so sure, keep blaming me if that makes you feel better"
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh, you need me to elaborate? Alright! He told me all about you! Like how you spent half your daughter's college fund trying to hide the fact that you were unemployed after getting fired for drinking on the job. Well, in all fairness, he wasn't perfect either. He did say he was experiencing some, you know, performance issues. Though he didn't seem to have much of a problem with me. Weird. Do you want me to go on?"
The group stared in disbelief while Mrs. Newman opened and closed her mouth a few times, glancing around helplessly, before stomping off, grabbing her kid harshly by the wrist and leaving.
"Holy shit", Sarah voiced what they were all thinking. "Uh, are you alright?"
"Mari, you got the bingo card?"
"The what?"
The siblings grinned while Mari pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket.
"Let's see, we've already crossed out 'getting slapped', so we could do 'insane timing' or... oh, hey! We've got a bingo if we count her as 'wine mom'!"
"Sweet!"
They high-fived.
"Yup, definitely one of the weirdest days in a while", Joel mumbled.
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#joel miller#tlou fanfiction#cryptidz fic#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x oc#joel miller x original character#joel tlou#bisexual joel#joel miller fluff#joel miller angst#joel the last of us#tlou oc#tlou hbo#tlou#tlou fic
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Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-
So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.
Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.
Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)
Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.
And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)
I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.
And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?
I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."
I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!
I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.
So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.
I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.
And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.
And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.
He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????
Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.
It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.
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You don’t have to answer this ask, by the way, I was just curious.
How did you realize you were homosexual and is your family accepting of your homosexuality? Lastly, what are your thoughts on compulsory heterosexuality—is it real, in your opinion?
It's hard to pinpoint a moment I realized I was gay. I grew up feeling way different from other kids. When I was little, my two best friends were boys and then at around age 7 or 8, I suddenly hated boys out of nowhere. I think I finally got sick of how obnoxious they would get with me and try to kiss me, and I had enough of that. This sparked a little era where I stopped being a tomboy in a very childish attempt to only be around or do things relating to girls. I was obsessed with girlhood and gender. I needed everything to be girly and sparkly, I started asking for Barbies to play with and grew my hair super long and I was gonna have so many BFFs to play with because the other girls won't pick on me anymore for being weird. I could not explain exactly where my female separatist epiphany came from, it wasn't a thought that appeared to me, I just ran full force into gender socialization for a couple years. I made charts detailing my classmates relationships and who had a crush on who, who was friends with who, stuff like this (sidenote: I've never been diagnosed with ASD and don't identify myself as such, but I've been told these are behaviors autistic girls will do as a masking attempt)
Around this time, I also had a girl cousin who was a bit older than me. Her and her friends liked to give me "makeovers", and I allowed this even though they would periodically burn me with curling irons or poke my eyes with mascara wands. I wanted to fit in. My cousin and I had a...weird relationship. She pressured me multiple times to get a boyfriend (never did), we would play games where I was her or her friend's "practice" boyfriend? And unfortunately, this was a major part of how I began realizing I was gay. I would play these same type of games with my girl friends, and it was sort of a sexual awakening for me. There's a lot of trauma involved in these early childhood years surrounding gender roles and sex and my interpretations of them. This got worse when I discovered pornography at age 9, which had the effect of sorta sky rocketing my innocent crushes on girls into sexual fantasies before I think I could really cope with that. I drew a lot of naked ladies and wrote depressing as fuck diary entries about how I was a dirty woman and a sinner. Having visuals also made me realize I was not attracted to male bodies whatsoever and any attempt on my part was completely artificial. I solidly considered myself a lesbian by age 11, though my gender performance would continue until I was 13. I stopped shaving, threw away my makeup, didn't wear dresses anymore, and then a year later cut my hair short, and that's how it's been since!
So, I guess given all these things, I can't not believe compulsory heterosexuality is a thing. It clearly was for me when I was a child, and then to a lesser extent in my preteen years when I knew I was gay but felt the need to "keep up appearances" to fit it. So I think if you don't have a very strong sense of self, and a huge social pressure to act a certain way, you can be manipulated into pretty much anything to keep yourself safe from harm. Even if that act will also cause you harm. But if you're talking about like, having celebrity crushes or the desire to sleep with a man, I would not consider that comphet, so that's prob where the whole discourse comes from I'd imagine.
My parents are supportive now, but when I came out at 12 it was a whole huge thing. I always thought that was odd because my mother was never homophobic before me. My maternal grandmother was a late bloomer lesbian and immersed her in gay culture as a kid. But you know, I guess it's different when it's your own kid. They thought I was too young, that I had been molested, that they failed as parents. My grandparents gave me books that compared gay people to pedophiles and beastiality and cheerfully reminded me if I ever wanted, there were very nice doctors who could help me with my affliction. People were so quick to pathologize the innocent part of my innate sexuality, that all the actual baggage around it got swept under the rug. But it's gotten better, my parents accept me now, my grandparents do too, after a bit more time. Though I can't help but mention for a couple years after I came out, my dad would tell me "it's okay if you're gay, but you know, you don't have to be one of those butchy dykes who shaves her head or anything." Proud to announce I have done that very thing three times now LOL. They still pretend I'm that sweet, girly little kid though, but that's a topic for a different day.
Hope I didn't get too TMI or wordy for you anon, my coming out story is a bit of sad tale 💚
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Thank you Amalia ❤️. So the thing is: I come from a very catholic and close minded mexican family but my parents have always been supportive of ny studies and work, a few months ago the company I work for transferred me to Italy because they needed someone with experience/time in the job who could speak the language and I accepted happily, my parents bought an apartment here so I could live without worrying for the rent, then I met a man, this guy is a widower, his wife died a few years ago and they had a son who he has and is 8 years old now, he also has a daughter who is 3 years old but never married her mother they were a "we have known each other forever and we are horny so let's fuck without committing" kinda thing, he takes her of their daughter and she has his last name but doesn't love her mother. We started dating (without my parents knowing), after a while he took me to meet his children and they are both lovely, his son asked permission to call me mom and it warms my heart so much, his daughter calls me by my name but is lovely, I honestly hated myself and my life so much before coming here and meeting him, even tried to k*ll myself but then I met him snd everything changed, I feel good about myself, happy, loved, I like who I am when Im with him and how he makes me feel so I decided to tell my parents about us and they went absolutely mad, they told me I have to leave him or they won't speak to me again and I won't be allowed to live in the apartment anymore, his family loves the mother of his daughter (she's friends with the family since they were children) and support her and prefer her over me, constantly saying she should me the one my boyfriend wants to have a life with and not me, she insults me every time she sees me (of course they all do this when my man is not around because if he's there they pretend that they are the sweetest people in the world), his aunt (who raised him and his siblings because their parents died in a car crash when they were kids) constantly tells me we are not good together, that I'm too young for him (I'm 28 and he's 43) so I should just live him with the mom of his daughter and go back to my country, my boyfriend doesn't know anything about any of this... but since everyone is against our relationship I'm wondering if I should talk with him about it and find a solution or just do as they say and leave? My friends hate him for his age and because he has children so ... what's your opinion? Sorry this was very long 🥺
Damn that is quite the dilemma yeah, I also have a very Catholic, Mexican family and relationships are definitely a tricky subject because they can be close minded about that stuff like you said so I totally get it
Honestly I think you should bring all this up to him especially because he doesn’t know, you sound like you really love him and his kids and are happy with him and I don’t think you should listen to those who are trying to push you away from him or tell you that you shouldn’t be with him because of their own biases
Yes there is an age gap but you’re well into being an adult, you’re nearly 30 and I think that’s appropriate and you’ve already formed connections with him and his kids and especially if his kids approve of you, that’s really important and they do! I wouldn’t get up and leave without a bit of a fight, he deserves to know how it’s affecting you and everything and hopefully you’ll both be able to come up with a solution and he can talk to his family
Something I had to do in my own relationship was sit down with my family with my partner with me and say listen we’re going to do this, whatever it may be and that’s our decision, you may not approve or like it but I’m an adult and I’m doing what I think is best for me and what I want to do and that’s that. And that’s really hard but I think you’ll be better off for it, if you love him and want to be with him and he treats you well and you’re happy with him I think you should try and hang onto it and I hope that he would defend you and be on the same page too
Ultimately your families and how they disapprove may be a dealbreaker and it may not be something you and him can get past, they may not come around to accepting you and him are together that is a possibility but I think you should try and work it out despite that, then you can’t say you didn’t try or give it your all you know. I hope things work out for the better ❤️
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3/29/24
8:53 p.m updated/edited/added to
When I got up this morning at like 4:35 p.m I struggled to sleep. I actually fell asleep on the half MG of Xanax and I woke up from my fucking snoring.....at 8:30 a.m. I took a Benadryl and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up at like 11:50 slept until 1:50. Then took another Benadryl and struggled to sleep but I lost some time and woke up at 4:35. Idk how many hours I got but I must have gotten close to 7.... obv I was nervous about seeing Katie...
I looked up waking up from your own snoring and appearantly it can be sleep apnea, minus insomnia I have no other symptoms. So I hope its an one off event. It didn't happen all the other times I passed out the rest of the "night," I slept shitty as all fuck but I didn't turn to hydroxyzine. So that's a good thing.
Anyways when I woke up and typed in her address in my GPS I started to tear up bc I knew I needed to go.
I just got home from seeing Katie. I just showed up and rang the doorbell.
She came out and looked sad like she didn't want me to be there. And she asked if we could sit in my car.
So she didn't ever want me show up for her. Weird cause when we broke up she said she did... she was like you've never shown up for me. I misconstrued that for the last year and 3 months thinking she wanted me to just ring her doorbell... well now I know.
She told me she doesn't want to be with me romantically, which is a relief. I told her the only thing I want is her friendship. Even though I was open minded to it growing into more but I knew it couldn't just go back to what it once was. It would be something that developed slowly. I told her I had no expectations and that I just hope we can be friends and I wanted her to be happy and I'd be her best man at her wedding.
She said she didn't want to give me a glimmer of hope and I said you've been really clear, I just want your friendship. That's all I can hope for you're one of my favorite people and I miss talking to you. I just want to catch up and hang out sometimes.
It made her uncomfortable and overwhelmed her that I showed up unannounced and I got some feelings about that, I feel like an asshole sorta but the mental closure door is closed.
She isn't mad at me and understands why I did it. And I feel better. I now know what would have happened. There is no more wondering.
I apologized for being selfish. And told her I did it for me but I also thought she wanted me to and I explained why. She said it made sense and she's not mad at me and she understands why I showed up. She wishes I hadn't but she gets it and knows I didn't mean to be malicious or make her uncomfortable or anything.
We left it off with her saying, "I'm a shitty friend to people, and when we dated you were not okay with me being with someone else." And I said, " well it's been a year and 3 months and I am totally okay with you being with someone else and I want you to be happy. I want you to be fulfilled. " she explained our relationship wasn't fulfilling to her and she couldn't go back cause she doesn't think anything would be different and I explained that all I want is know her.
She said she would think about it but that I can't expect her to really be there for me. I told her I will never show up again. I won't text her. I won't like her stuff on Facebook and the ball is in her court and if she doesn't want to talk to me she doesn't have to. I said that I want to text her happy birthday at least but if you don't reach out to me by October I may not but just know that I want to. And that I will be thinking about you and I only won't bc I don't want to ever make you feel uncomfortable again.
I said all I want was friendship and a hug. And she said I'd hug you but I can't promise friendship. I offered to walk her to her door cause I parked at her neighbors. And she said she will be safe and not to bother and we didn't hug.
So for the rest of the night I've got to wrestling with this, I did this selfish thing that I thought was partially selfish but I also thought she wanted me to do it. I have to wrestle with my feelings being important too and I didn't make her so uncomfortable she wouldn't talk to me. However I've always been the type of guy who puts other people's emotions over mine.
Knowing she felt uncomfortable and didn't want me to go makes me feel like an asshole. I at least admitted I was selfish and upon leaving to show up I knew in my heart that I may be doing the right thing for me but that it could be selfish and make her uncomfortable but that I didn't know what she wanted and I explained I was worried that I would make uncomfortable.
I got to wrestle with the feeling of making her feel uncomfortable and feeling like an asshole.
However, I feel so much better closing that door. It's like on an asshole scale 10 being huge asshole and 0 being not an asshole, I feel like a 1.
On the being upset I made her uncomfortable scale I feel a 1-3 but she said she understands and she knows I meant well.
On the mental closure scale i am a 10 being full mental closure. I know I made the right right decision for me so it's a 10. I will never dwell on if I should have shown up and what could have been.
I feel bad being selfish. I did profusely apologize prob like 15 times and straight up called myself selfish and said I made a mistake. And I apologized like 15 times for making her uncomfortable and making her face me. I explained my reasons for it well but said nonetheless I was selfish and i regret it bc I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or overwhelm her. I didn't want to put my feelings first but I really thought she wanted me to show up for her.
So that's what happened. I'm saddened she doesn't really want friendship. I'm saddened that knowing me isn't really important to her and wasn't before I showed up either.
I'm upset that I made her uncomfortable and I have to feel like an asshole. She wasn't rude to me and her eyes looked really sad. My eyes did too. I feel like deep down she understands why I showed up and she doesn't hate me for it or resent me for it.
I know I did the right thing for me, but it wasn't the right thing for her. I don't truly regret going cause that door is closed and I feel mentally fulfilled. I got to get over making her uncomfortable and feeling like an asshole....
The issue is, if I hadn't shown up, that door would have stayed open. That auditory hallucinations haunted me for months. It played off my actual emotions... and despite knowing that it wasn't Katie, the bunny photo and how our relationship ended... and I misconstrued the show up for her thing...
She said she didn't understand why the bunny photo meant show up for her... and I was like well Sage tries to eat the bunnies and it gives you anxiety and I thought it was my time to, "show up" for you.... and she said she kinda understood but that's not what it meant...
So with full mental closure I feel minorly like an asshole and like I made her uncomfortable and part of me is like maybe I shouldn't have gone selfishly. The last thing I wanted to do was make her uncomfortable. She also said, "I feel like you don't know me, cause if you did you'd have never shown up... I felt like that during our relationship but this is another reason I feel that way."
I remember talking to Elise right after Katie walked out the door and Elise told me Katie does need space but she wants you to show up for her. I'm not blaming Elise, I felt the same way. She reconfirmed what I already believed based on how our break conversation went...
Either way I know deep in my heart, that the way we ended and what she said, "you never showed up for me." Really mislead me. I explained my brain is still broken from psychosis but despite me being worried about me making the decision for me/making you uncomfortable/being selfish, I wasn't sure if this what you wanted all along...
It didn't end badly, there was pain in her eyes. She prob won't be my friend. Not bc I showed up. She knows my intentions are good but rather bc she wasn't ever intending on being my friend.
Although it feels good to close that door I feel like an asshole and selfish. The door is closed but I made her uncomfortable. I've got to sit with this tonight.
All I know is that if I put myself first I made the right decision for me.... and there will never be another thought of what if, the bunny photo or her birthday or did she want me to show up.
Yet I feel like an asshole for making her uncomfortable. At least I apologized a lot and wholeheartedly. And even called myself selfish. And admitted I was worried that I was making the right decision for me and the wrong decision for her....
I'm probably going to have to think about this all night to, "put it away."
My feeling matter and that what if, and that misconstrued message would have haunted me forever.
Will making her minorly uncomfortable and being minorly selfish haunt me? Not entirely but it'll bother me for a while.
On a selfish scale I feel like a 5.... that's the issue. Yet I had to close the door and I feel better.
I wish she was, "warmer." She wasn't cold and I'm glad she doesn't want to be with me... I'm not happy we can't be friends...likely... and I'm not happy that I made her uncomfortable and acted selfishly..
My feelings are so mixed up cause I meant well and I know she knows that. I hate that I made her uncomfortable and was selfish. I truly wasn't trying to be. Yet we had the most effective communication we ever had.
So yea, idk I hope I can put this away before I go to sleep... I hope I can get over being selfish and making her uncomfortable for the sake of my feelings.
My feelings do matter and I have fucking psychosis. I know she gets it. I just got to comfort myself by telling myself I did what was right for me. She doesn't hate me for it. And sometimes you make people uncomfortable by being selfish and sometimes it's something you have to do for you. And she confused me. And If I hadn't I would have remained confused.
I did what was right for me. Yet I did what was wrong for her. I made her uncomfortable and I was selfish. Yet I did what was right for me emotional closure.
I hope i can put this away. Emotions are uncomfortable... but my feelings to matter. If she was that uncomfortable she wouldn't have gotten in my car..
I don't regret it fully cause if I think about it from my perspective I did the right thing.
I do regret it as in it was selfish but I wasn't sure if it was selfish. I had the thought but I wasn't sure. I wish I didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
My feeling matter yet her feelings matter more to me.
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Microsoft 'logic'.
I have been banned on any video game device only ONE time in my life. Probably close to over 1/2 a decade ago at least. It was for only 2 days. And it was ONLY for online communication; I could still play any games I wanted.
And I am quite proud of it. I worked HARD to figure out the best way to tell someone to fuck off.
"I am going to fuck your dad in the ass."
<and coming from a straight white guy, that pisses them off even more!>
It's short, sweet, but offends ANYONE I've ever said it to (which has been...1 technically. Everyone else I have said it to was me telling THIS story of getting banned and why. But they admitted-that's a pretty fucked up thing to say to someone.) Try it out on someone who pisses you off. It's fun! Calls their dad gay, a submissive bottom bitch (I will never imply force, only choice), and 3x worse than a your mama burn.
BUT, I was caught cuz I wrote them a message. So I knew, no matter how mad, never send a message to anyone. If anything, say it in game. Don't even send them an audio message. Don't need to give them bullets to fire, ya know? And I only would say that in EXTREME circumstances.
Flashforward to sunday afternoon. Wake up and SOMETHING I did saturday night got me reported TWICE, back to to back. Which makes absolutely NO sense. Because, again, both reports came in at the exact same time, I can safely assume that it was for the same offense. And maybe 2 different people reported me? But you get...marks, I guess? 8 marks in one year and YOU ARE BANNED FROM ONLINE GAMING FOR A YEAR!? I got THREE in ONE NIGHT?! (I had ZERO before this.) And it must be from the same person: literally, to the second, they were reported in. One was 1 second after the next. Literally. But here's where it gets weirder. 1-the first report was 1 mark. The second report was TWO marks. WHY was the second report worth more? If they came in the SAME time, it's the SAME offense, but one is worth more? WTF logic is that? 2-when I complained, they said I was being 'sexually aggressive' in nature. Did NOT say what I did, when, or to who. WTF? I never said I would rape or murder. I didn't send a dick pic. I didn't do anything! I talked a LOT of shit cuz I was playing comp with the dumbest mother fucking teams ever. But nothing sexual. That's...boring. And distracting. Like that insult above is the MEANEST thing I have said online in years. And I said it once. 3-again, I have been told to KILL MYSELF by assholes online. I made a promise DECADES ago never to say that to a stranger. Cuz they may just do it. And I don't need that on my head. But those evil fuckers talking rape and murder get to stay online?
So not only am I banned till WEDNESDAY night (4 days. 2 days longer than the last ban) but I am not allowed to play ANY multiplayer games. Tho I OWN them and have online gold. Evil fuckers.
What's even stranger? RIGHT after this happened, I had a FUCK TON of friends on twitter AND facebook saying how they were being shadow banned, censored, and straight up banned off social media, In HUGE numbers, unprovoked. My newsfeed was drenched in claims.
This isn't a coincidence. I have been doing/saying the same borderline rated R but NOT rated x in online gaming. NOW they start mass editing what we can say/do? I think this is one of those times of they wonder 'just how much shit can we get away with?'
<Side note. This was overwatch. Which I have 5 star level endorsement. The HIGHEST endorsement you can get. YOU ONLY GET THOSE IF SOMEONE GOES OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ENDORSE YOU! So are they endorsing me then doxxing me? WTF?>
Also I know I won't look like the best guy here. I am just throwing it all out there: I am not always the easiest gamer to game with, however, I don't tell people I'm going to rape or murder them. So maybe handle the PSYCHOS first? I've been told to go die! Holy shit man. That's not as evil as anything I ever said to a stranger. They're usually stupid fucking kids being cruel too. So even if they did convince a kid to kill themselves, they'd probably get away with it....that's fucked up. Here's a fun story. 7th grade. Bully. SMART bully. Literally, TO MY FACE, said 'I could kill you, declare insanity, and be out in a few years.' SEVENTH FUCKING GRADE!
#xbox#censorship#rated x#online#online gaming#online shit talk#shit talk#rape#murder#overwatch#blizzard#microsoft#bill gates sucks#video game#video games#talking trash
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I won't key his car...just thinking about it.
And I have had 0 contact with the wife because, even though I used to babysit her and she asked me to my face if I liked him and I said no, she has a belief that I have a crush on him
Honey I could have had him if I wanted him
I try to avoid them but you know what? His extended family loves me. Like I see some of them pretty regularly because we work together (they actually helped him get his job where we work which like...you couldn't even get a job on your own shut uppppp)
I am waiting for him to get his...its hard af
Especially cause he's telling people I used to be close to how bad I am and then sharing MY trauma, like who tf does that if anything im not bad but a victim but somehow he words it in such a way....crazy absolutely crazy
Looking back i can see how he was a dick to me. Always calling me stupid and putting me down, I just never realized. It is INSANE.
I cant believe I was friends with him for so long
Anyways, im just doing my best to be me. Id the wife reaches out then I'd be willing to listen and help if she needs to get out, but otherwise I don't talk to her (which like I said I BABYSAT her i taught her so much and have these memories and this mfer goes and marries her like I know he knew her before me but I feel he really knows her because of me even tho he doesn't but if me and him were ever hanging out and she happened to be somewhere with her parents she would run up to me and it just grosses me tf out like you KNOW he knew her before 18) (also still tempted to share a throwback picture and be like "cant believe we were so young and now look at us" just to show people how fucked their relationship is cause people DONT KNOW SOMEONE I KNOW JUST FOUND OUT THEIR AGES AND DID A DOUBLETAKE LIKE YEA HE SEEMS IMMATURE AND HE IS BUT ALSO HES A CRAFTY SOB)
I'm just thriving. About to sign on my own home, making a lot of money, happy healthy flirty and single. I'm living!! He can be a jealous prick, im doing that shit!!
good for you!!! don’t stress yourself out over someone not worth your value and time. mo’nique said it best, when you do clownery the clown comes back to bite!
one of my closest friends befriended this guy when we worked at macys and i waited silently 7 months before he exposed himself as a dumbass.
and we have a mutual friend who i’ve waited 8 years to reveal that she doesn’t make good decisions 😭😭 and yes she’s my friend but also she’s messy and too old to be doing these things 🫠
like im just looking around like yall ain’t notice anything???? nobody peeped that but me?
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My 2023 made me want to die over and over and over and over and over. And I almost did.
My 2023 reinstalled my trauma responses through family and through an ex who showed me all of the reasons I have to not trust people and to dislike myself were not only valid, but that they were actively being used to hurt me.
My 2023 made me promise to never date another person again, and I am avoiding the sapphic community like the plague it is. Wlw, more like whw because I have never met so many girls who fucking hate girls, who use girls, who fuck over other girls, who knowingly drag down other girls, who cheat and lie and manipulate and play to and with other girls before.
My 2023 reverted my life back to 2019-2020.
My 2023 gave me disappointment after disappointment and it didn't stop even once.
My 2023 had me dependent on alcohol, dependent on weed, dependent on someone who lied about loving me for at least 8 months (though I know it's longer and I'm sure I was cheated on as well but I have no picture proof because I didn't scroll through their phone in the night like I should've.)
My 2023 showed me that sometimes people want you unhealthy because then at least they don't have to deal with you, because if you're drunk enough you won't notice them talking to someone else over discord.
My 2023 has shown me how little people care for other people in general as long as they get what they want.
My 2023 has made me into a pessimist if I wasn't one already and you know what?
My 2023 has given me every reason to become the worst person, the version of the worst person, I could conjure. And I did.
But then.
I got a job by myself that I actually show up to.
I got meds by myself because I never got help even when I begged for it.
I got back into television I enjoy and books I like reading.
I learned to be alone and to feel alone and to be okay with that while also learning to detach from someone so quickly it felt like ripping off my own hands. But at least I don't jump from person to person because I'm too afraid to be alone, so I create hollow and malformed connections that die out around year 3 that I keep in my life until I know I have a new secure position to be in once I'm bored of my relationship I built and broke and don't want to put back together.
I got true understanding that some people are actually bad people, they're just really good at convincing themselves and others that they're not. That I had the capacity to be a bad person and for a while I chose to.
I got to become a good one again.
I got to see what I was and I condemned her.
I got to find out who my true friends are.
I got to find out who actually cares.
I got to leave this year all alone. No one by my side. And in that I got the truth.
2023 gave me the stark understanding that I am me and everything outside of that is temporary. To love things and experiences and people but to not try to keep them. That life is bittersweet all rolled up and shoved down your throat if you like it or not. That nothing will ever stay, and so you have nothing ever to lose.
2024 will hopefully teach me that middle ground. The loving but not attaching. The constant anguish that comes with choosing to want. And how to dampen the burning.
2024 will be me. Only me. Doing what I want. When I want. If I want. And I will never be the version of me who needs anyone else again. I will never become someone others have to care for again. I won't be their debt. They won't hold it over my head like you did.
2024 will be me rebuilding all of the good I gave up for them, for everyone.
2024 will give not one person access to me. And the rest of my life will be the same.
This year was one of the worst years of my life. I'm back where I fucking started. And maybe that's for the fucking best. Just restart like you never existed, you might as well not have. This version of me doesn't get hurt. She doesn't have anything to take from her. And it will stay that way. Forever.
2024, give me peace and solitude. And give them everything. I want them to have everything they've ever wanted. And then, I will watch as they cycle through losing it all over and over because they don't truly love anything but themselves and never have and never will because they are an unfeeling monster with no real capacity for love or connection if it doesn't serve them.
I'm excited to live the rest of my life alone by choice. And I'm excited to see everyone else's fall to pieces in the same way, by choice.
Fuck 2023. Fuck you. Fuck them. And I fucking swear 2024. Treat me well or I opt out so fast you won't even have time to beg me to stay like they did.
I'm done, 2023. All done.
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I'm keeping this here. What for? I don't know... but I know that I want to look back into this on a happy note. One day.
I want to remember that most of the times, things in life won't work a certain way I expect it to be - and it's fine. It is. It completely is.
I just let out a sigh as I'm writing this haha.
I mean, who am I kidding? Life has been... how do I put this into words, hm? Bitter... sweet? Mindboggling? It feels like I got punched multiple times in the most hurtful ways, but every. single. time. I kind of... managed to survive? I couldn't dodge though, so I'm left with some real ugly bruises. But they're fading, so it's fine, except for the new ones I just got HAHA.
Ok enough with the metaphor.
Now on to the real talk. This would be the first time I'm voicing out what I'm about to.
And there goes another sigh.
Back on August last year, I broke up with my longtime boyfriend - 5 years and 8 months went down the drain. It was a mutual agreement, I initiated though. The guy was a coward, so I did what I had to do. I always knew it was coming, we were like spoiled milk, what do you expect? He made me wait, maybe too taken aback with my advance. I remember one time during my suffocating wait, I was praying and silently crying in the upstairs room, holding back a scream because everyone was asleep and I ended up with the most terrible stomach cramps I've had in my entire 27 years of living. That made me stop crying abruptly, and the next thing I knew I was clutching on to the nearest table tops because I thought I was gonna die from the pain. Very dramatic. Even my cats were judging from afar. 'Ugh, when will this end', 'Make it stop', 'What an embarrassment' were evident on their evil little faces.
So then the breakup happened. It was sad, but I was mostly relieved that the spoiled milk had finally find a home - yes, the garbage dump, duh! We also had this stupid thing where we say "Let's be friends. I have a feeling we'd make the best of friends even we're no longer lovers" as a closing statement. Total cuckoo move. Can't believe Vicky was right.
To be honest it was hilarious watching myself going through my first breakup. Definitely a journey not to be missed out. I'm not gonna go into details but let me paint you a picture through the songs I associated during this 'self-discovery' phase.
Phase 1: Astrid S - It's Ok If You Forget Me
Phase 2: Taylor Swift - Tolerate It & Champange Problem
Phase 3: Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever
Phase 4: Cokelat - Karma
Phase 5: Tulus - Hati Hati di Jalan
Yeah, I basically went through the infamous 5 stages of grief without me realizing it.
Fast forward to October. I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down I kind of expected him to wish me Happy Birthday. But of course, he didn't. Fucking asshole. Let's be friends, my ass.
Then, came December. If this was a movie, it must be the crazy sister of Denis Villeneuve's Enemy - for its next level of mindfuckery. It actually left me saying 'what the fuck?' even today, because what in the actual fuck is happening, really? I blinked and what... he got married now?
He fucking did.
Now, this was the moment where it finally came down to me that; this is it - The Grand Finale. I've had billions of scenarios I always play in my head; what's gonna happen that now we're on our own. It did occurred to me that cases like this would happen but I calculated and the chances are slim, because I was confident that I'll have it first. I'll be happy first. I'll meet someone first. And he'll live a miserable life knowing I am the best he's had. Oh, I know I am. Still, what a dick. Good luck, though.
Lesson learned: please improve on your calculation skill, it is highly unreliable. /look self in disgust/
Just around the same time when the breakup was about to happen, I was offered an opportunity in my current job for an overseas relocation. The timing was just too perfect. I couldn't say no. No, why would I say no?! This has been a lifetime dream of mine. You see, the whole year I was struggling to find the time to prep for my scholarship permits and docs with Schoters which I subscribed to but never had the time for - now I didn't have to reach so high, because this time it's handed to me on a silver platter. For once, life finally gave me what I want.
So, I agreed instantly. I didn't even have to think.
Two weeks ago, I was informed that my IPA has been issued and I should be able to fly there by early Feb. What an opener for a new year, right?! Until today happened... they told me that overseas assignment will be hold until further notice. Apparently, the project I'm handling is causing quite a loss to the Company so they want to cut costs and might opt for offshore assignment instead.
I am at loss of words.
Lesson learned: i've spent 5 minutes just thinking about this, and i still can't come up with anything good. I'll see and come back to this on end Feb. Fingers crossed everything's settled by then.
Yep, that's all I want to say.
Before I end this entry, I want to put here these very cute pictures of me and my 10+ years girl friends, as reminder that nothing is or will be too bleak with them around.
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#2
I'm keeping this here. What for? I don't know... but I know that I want to look back into this on a happy note. One day.
I want to remember that most of the times, things in life won't work a certain way I expect it to be - and it's fine. It is. It completely is. Trust me.
I just let out a sigh as I'm writing this haha.
I mean, who am I kidding? Life has been... how do I put this into words, huh? Bitter... sweet? Mindboggling? It feels like I got punched multiple times in the most hurtful ways, but every. single. time. I kind of... managed to survive? I couldn't dodge though, so I'm left with some real ugly bruises. But they're fading, so it's fine, except for the new ones I just got HAHA.
Ok enough with the metaphor.
Now on to the real talk. This would be the first time I'm voicing out what I'm about to.
Yep, there goes another sigh.
Back on August last year, I broke up with my longtime boyfriend - 5 years and 8 months went down the drain. It was a mutual agreement, I initiated though. The guy was a coward, so I did what I had to do. I always knew it was coming, we were like spoiled milk, what do you expect? He made me wait, maybe too taken aback with my advance. I remember one time during my suffocating wait, I was praying and silently crying in the upstairs room, holding back a scream because everyone was asleep and I ended up with the most terrible stomach cramps I've had in my entire 27 years of living. That made me stop crying abruptly, and the next thing I knew I was clutching on to the nearest table tops because I thought I was gonna die from the pain. Very dramatic.
So then the breakup happened. It was sad, but I was mostly relieved that the spoiled milk had finally find a home - yes, the garbage dump, duh! We also had this stupid thing where we say "Let's be friends. I have a feeling we'd make the best of friends even we're no longer lovers" as a closing statement. Total cuckoo move. Can't believe Vicky was right.
To be honest it was hilarious watching myself going through my first breakup. Definitely a journey not to be missed out. I'm not gonna go into details but let me paint you a picture through the songs I associated during this 'self-discovery' phase.
Phase 1: Astrid S - It's Ok If You Forget Me
Phase 2: Taylor Swift - Tolerate It & Champange Problem
Phase 3: Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever
Phase 4: Cokelat - Karma
Phase 5: Tulus - Hati Hati di Jalan
Yeah, I basically went through the infamous 5 stages of grief without me realizing it.
Fast forward to October. I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down I kind of expected him to wish me Happy Birthday. But of course, he didn't. Fucking asshole. Let's be friends, my ass.
Then, came December. If this was a movie, it must be the crazy sister of Denis Villeneuve's Enemy - for its next level of mindfuckery. It actually left me saying 'what the fuck?' even today, because what in the actual fuck is happening, really? I blinked and what... he got married now?
He fucking did.
Now, this was the moment where it finally came down to me that; this is it - The Grand Finale. I've had billions of scenarios I always play in my head; what's gonna happen that now we're on our own. It did occurred to me that cases like this would happen but I calculated and the chances are slim, because I was confident that I'll have it first. I'll be happy first. I'll meet someone first. And he'll live a miserable life knowing I am the best he's had. Oh, I know I am. Still, what a dick. Good luck, though.
Lesson learned: please improve on your calculation skill. It is highly unreliable. /look self in disgust/
Just around the same time when the breakup was about to happen, I was offered an opportunity in my current job for an overseas relocation. The timing was just too perfect. I couldn't say no. No, why would I say no?! This has been a lifetime dream of mine. You see, the whole year I was struggling to find the time to prep for my scholarship permits and docs with Schoters which I subscribed to but never had the time for - now I didn't have to reach so high, because it's handed to me on a silver platter.
So, I agreed instantly. I didn't even have to think.
Two weeks ago, I was informed that my IPA has been issued and I should be able to fly there by early Feb. What an opener for a new year, right?! Until today happened... they told me that overseas assignment will be hold until further notice. Apparently, the project I'm handling is causing quite a loss to the Company so they want to cut costs and might opt for offshore assignment instead.
I am at loss of words.
Lesson learned: i've spent 5 minutes just thinking about this, and i still can't come up with anything good. I'll see and come back to this on end Feb.
Yep, that's all I want to say.
Before I end this, I want to put here these very cute pictures of me and my 10+ years girl friends, as reminder that nothing is or will be too bleak with them around.
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My 'friend' is a bitch and I think i want her boyfriend
I've never been the type to outwardly show romantic interest in people, even platonic. I don't tend to go out of my way to try and build a relationship with people, they either come naturally or they don't. This year I joined a class that has a very small number of people in it, one of the people in it is a sweet boy a grade below me(i'm a junior in hs). He's tall and lanky. He only wears cargo pants and crew necks, with his signature band T's underneath. He's kind and 'argues' with me over stupid shit. We tease each other and I just seem too crave to be held by him, i melt at the slightest physical contact. I've never been like that, I don't open myself up to people, and i still don't, and likely won't for a long time. Recently, he started to date one of my 'friends'.
This is someone he met last year, whilst I've known her for literally 8 years, and she's not a nice person, she's a fake bitch and expects to be the center of attention and forces herself into everything, blows things so far out of proportion. However, the way she does this is so subtle that only the people who have been around for 5 yrs and more have noticed this. One by one all of her longer friends have distanced from her, and I've desperately tried to but naturally she sees me as her best friend and I love her family that I can't stand to just break things off. Not to mention she would immediately turn around and make herself the victim and I a crazy, self-centered bitch, who hates seeing her happy. Not to mention she's leaving for collage in 6 months and he's literally 15... but the one person who said something was immediately cut off with a lovely essay which contained a very long drawn out version of how I said she reacts to things, she had known this friend for 11 years. This friend is now being shit talked about every 10 minutes and people are being manipulated into thinking that the friend is at fault and should stay out of their relationship as this is, "the happiest I've been in a long time" a 'long time' being the last time she got attention from literally anyone(which with her habits is every 2 minutes).
He has fallen for her love-bombing and manipulation, and not to mention grooming. All patients that I had for her has evaporated, i can hardly look at her without wanting to scream in her face. I had a plan to just faze myself out of her life when she went to collage, but now i want to scream in her face about all the times she's fucked me over, about how she's a spoiled- entitled brat that doesn't deserve the amazing loving family that she has. How she has no idea what really goes on in my life--which she loves to think she knows more about my own family and life then I do.
I don't even really know if I like him, i tend to think myself into crushes. I like the idea of people but I have no idea how to actually have a relationship or even show my real genuine emotions toward people. I think that part of my anger at their relationship is stemming from jealousy and that pisses me off, i don't like presenting real emotions, especially ones that could be used against me. What I know right now is that i want to slap her across her face, and I think i want him to just hold me, to talk and be playful with me. fuck
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Ugh i gotta talk about this to someone so here i go. So my sort of friend, and i mean sort of friend because we just haven't been close for a long time and honestly we were never super close, she was more my other friend's friend than mine if that makes sense. Well last year she went through a life threatening medical issue and I'll admit i never asked her how she was doing, and i have no excuse for that, i just don't know why i didnt. But yeah i recently got a piercing and posted a selfie on snap and she replied to it by calling me out about never asking how she was during that time period because she thought we were friends. And then she said it was really weird and pathetic that after 8 years (of friendship with the other friend who is my best friend) that im so obsessed and dependent on her still and i need to find a fucking hobby. Me and this friend have always been really close and I recently started working at the same place as her so im assuming thats why she said that. And then she told me my piercing was a horrible decision because it made me uglier than I already was. Which i feel like that was just a petty low blow. And then she ended it by saying i was a fake fucking bitch and soon everyone will know. I didn't respond to it because i literally didn't know wtf to say. And i called out sick for work today because i was so anxious. I get that the beginning she was right to call me out, it was shitty of me for never checking in, but yeah it just we had grown apart and we never really had much in common in the first place, i guess thats not an excuse tho. I guess i honestly just don't know what to do. I want to respond but i feel like anything i say at this point won't help and will just make her even more mad.
tbh i kind of get it because a family friend is really sick right now and i have like not reached out at all because im closer with the children and its the dad and even though ive known him my entire life i just dont know what to say and i feel very awkward about it :/
but if you guys werent talking that whole time and it doesnt sound like you were ever close idk i don't think its a huge deal. it would have been NICE if you said something and she probably would have appreciated it but to me it doesnt sound like you were close enough for it to be a necessity.
but anyway it sounds like this girl is going through her own thing and all that she said to you was totally unnecessary. i just wouldn't respond. you're not gonna get anything good out of it at this point it sounds like. im sorry she said that shit to you though.
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Future(Pattinson!Bruce Wayne)
Bruce Wyane x Black!Catwoman!Reader
The Batman
a/n- i was scrolling through TikTok and i saw a snippet of the comic “Catwoman 80th Celebration“ and ingot inspired by the certain part that was poste. And for this im putting Bruce and Reader at at least in their early 30’s and married.
warnings- language, sickness, throwing up, slight angst
-
The bathroom was your best friend at the moment. You were haunched over the toilet, emptying your insides.
"Shit." You groan and lean against the wall. You started to doze off against the wall when a loud knock came to the bathroom door.
"Y/n!?" You hear bruce on the other side of the door.
"Are you ok? You've been in there for a while." You leaned over and flushed the toilet before standing up and opening the door.
"Ya, Bruce I'm ok." Bruce looked at you suspiciously but decided not to pry.
"Alfred has breakfast set up." He says and you nod.
"Ok, let me brush my teeth and get ready so we can go on patrol after." You say and before Bruce could even answer. You shut the door and locked it. You turned and faced the mirror and ripped the bonnet off your head revealing your baby hairs. You were extremely tired so all you did was throw your braids into a bun and walked out of the bathroom.
Bruce was sitting at the huge dining table wondering where you were. He saw you out of the corner of his eyes and looked up.
"Great I'm starving." He says and immediately starts throwing together his plate.
You and Bruce haven't been married for long. Only 3 years, but had been dating for 8 years prior. It took Bruce years to warm up to you, to talk even. It has always been the two of you and Alfred. But maybe it was time to expand.
"Bruce. Can I ask you something?" You ask him as you begin preparing your own plate.
"Go ahead." You smiled and wiped your hands on your thighs.
"Have you ever thought of expanding our family?" Bruce immediately stops eating and looks at you. He knows what you mean by that. But he just can't, not now.
"What like a dog?" He asks acting clueless. You could tell he was evading your question.
"Bruce, you know what I mean."
"Y/n." He starts and sets his fork down. "We can't, you know we can't. Not with what we do."
"I know but what if I stop and stay home."
"Y/n it won't matter, we have the enemies. Not just as Batman and Catwoman, we have enemies as Bruce and Y/n Wayne." Bruce slid out of his chair and dragged his plate closer to you. He grabbed your hands with his and kissed them. You looked down at your lap when Bruce kissed your cheek.
"Hey, I'm not saying we cant at all. Just not now, in the future when Gotham is safe."
"Safe?" You scoff. "When will that be? 15-20 years, when I can't have kids anymore?" You pulled your hands away from him and he groaned in frustration and turned back to his plate, as did you.
-
After breakfast was over, you had stormed off with tears running down your face. You passed Alfred and the way you entered your and Bruce's room and slammed the door. Alfred sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He approached Bruce who sat there in silence.
"What happened?" He asks and takes a seat next to him.
"She wants a kid." Says Bruce and takes a sip of juice.
"Well, that's great news, right?"
"No, it's not, she doesn't understand that we have a life that isn't safe or live in a city that isn't safe. What if the kid gets taken, or fuck, killed." Alfred stayed silent and let Bruce rant to him. "And it may not even be from that, what if she has a miscarriage, what if that miscarriage takes both of them. Or something happens to her, anything." Alfred thought for a minute before setting a hand on Bruce's shoulder.
"Bruce, these are all the worries any parent has, and that's ok." Bruce thought for a moment before standing up.
"I'm going on patrol." He says and starts to make his way to the elevator.
"Bruce." Calls Alfred from behind him. "Talk to her, really."
"I'll try."
-
Bruce had suited up and was waiting for you.
"Let's get this over with." He hears you say and he sees you walking towards him in your tight suit. He unlocks the charger and you both slide in.
"Y/n I-." He starts but you raised your hand.
"Don't not now please." Bruce stayed silent and began speeding off through the streets of Gotham. He drove into an alley and parked the car.
"Let's go up top." He says and you nod. As you climbed up the stairs you suddenly felt very out of breath.
Come on. Not now.
You made it to the top when you haunched over on your knees.
"Do we need to go back?" Bruce placed a hand on your lower back.
"No, no I just-." You felt bile go up to your throat and you slapped a hand on your mouth. "I'm going to throw up." You started taking deep breaths, as you hated throwing up.
"Shit I have a Batbucket in the car." He says and you look at him with a raised eyebrow.
"What?"
"It's just a bucket with a bat on it..." He jokes and you want to laugh but you just couldn't.
"Not the time Batty."
"Sorry, I'm just trying to help." After he said that you launched forward and heard the splash hit the roof. Bruce Immediately came to your aid and took the cat mask off and held your braids back. "That's it I'm taking you back."
"But patrol-."
"It can wait." He says and picks you up bridal style.
He carefully went down the building and opened the door to the car. He placed you down in the passenger seat and drew the seatbelt out and locked it(he doesn't even wear a seatbelt himself). Bruce slid into the driver's seat and immediately took his helmet off, since the car is so dark and tinted, no one was going to be able to see inside.
"Tell me what's going on, you've been throwing up for weeks, and every time I try and ask you what's wrong you just ignore me." Bruce was trying not to get frustrated but you saw him grip the steering wheel.
"Bruce can we just go back." You groaned and held your stomach.
"No, we're not leaving until you tell me." He saw you place a hand back on your mouth and he turned back to the back of the car and grabbed a bucket. He handed it to you and you rolled your eyes and swallowed.
"Huh, you actually have a bucket with a bat on it." You laugh but wince at a sudden headache. Bruce took his right glove off and placed a hand on your forehead.
"You don't feel hot."
"Bruce I'm-." You started but you dug your face in the bucket and heard the liquid hit the bucket.
"Do not say you're ok because you-"
"I'm pregnant." You cut him off. Bruce slowly takes the information in and leans deep into his seat and starts the car.
The drive home was silent. Bruce needed to get you home, and maybe to a hospital. His hands were shaking, he still couldn't believe it. But he was blind, you showed all the symptoms of pregnancy. Once he pulled into the cave and parked the car, you immediately opened the door and climbed out, bucket in hand.
"Y/n can we talk about this?" Bruce calls for you and you bear the heavy footsteps behind you.
"This isn't how I wanted you to find out." You say and head towards the elevator.
"Was I ever going to find out?" He grabs your arm gently and tugs you back. He wanted you to answer but you stayed silent. "Wait is that why you wanted to know what I thought about kids?"
"Yes, I wanted to know how you felt about it." You clicked the button of the elevator and watched it open. You entered and so did Bruce.
"Would you have told me if I said how great it would be to have a kid now?"
"Yes." Bruce sighed and leaned against the wall.
"But I didn't, so what are you going to do?" He points at your belly and you hung your head low.
"I was going to make an appointment." You say and Bruce straightens up. He knew what you meant by an appointment and it made him feel a pang in his heart.
"Bruce you're right. This city this world isn't safe for a kid, maybe in a few years we can just adopt." The elevator dinged and opened its doors. "I'm going to go shower."
-
The hot water felt amazing on your skin. You brushed your teeth again for what it felt like the hundredth time. Bruce has shredded his Bat-suit and threw it on the bed. He opened the door to the bathroom and saw the catsuit on the ground. He took his boxers off and opened the shower door. You jumped when you felt his hand caress your back.
"It's just me." Bruce wraps his arms around your body and you turn around and look up at him. You could see the eyeshadow slowly roll down his cheeks as the water hit him. "I want this." Bruce kisses the top of your head and you wrap your arms around his torso.
"Alfred helped me see something, all these worries I have, happens to anybody. I shouldn't have thought about myself only, this is your life too."
"Are you sure?" Bruce lays his cheek against your head and nods.
"Ya, I do and baby I'm sorry if I made you feel bad in any way."
"Is Bruce Wayne... apologizing?" You joke and he chucked and presses his forehead against yours.
"Ya, ya."
"So we're going to do this?" Bruce separated from you and slowly and carefully, got down on his knees. He wrapped his hands around your waist and kissed your belly.
"Guess we are."
-
9 months.
9 months of pain and happiness.
But now, your little girl was born. You and Bruce had agreed to keep the pregnancy a secret, you don't go out much anyway. But just a month ago they saw you leaving the hospital after a check-up and the news and rumors began. But you and Bruce forgot all about it.
"She's beautiful." You say and Bruce kisses your hairline. Her light brown skin shined under the lighting. Bruce had tears running down his face.
He never thought he would get to experience this moment.
"Mr. and Mrs. Wayne. What name were we thinking so we can write it here on the tag." A nurse asks, smiling at the two of you. Bruce leans down and kisses his newborn's head before turning to the nurse.
"Helena. Helena Wayne."
-
A/n- this is my first time writing for Bruce. I do plan to write more for him.
#robert pattinson#robert pattinson x reader#bruce wayne x black!reader#bruce wayne x reader#battinson x reader#x black reader#black!reader
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