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princessjung · 5 months

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Chain of Heart

Saeyoung x Fem!MC

2603 words

TW; mental breakdown, panic attack, flashbacks

The twins handle their own healing in a way that's different than hers. Or so she thought.

Note: This took place some time after the event of Saeran's After Ending. I wrote this purely for my own comfort and validation back then. Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me and so did the opposite. Its almost like I'm tiptoeing in the middle of these delicate lines. So I thought I'd just drop it here in case someone feel the same way as me :)

Once she closed the door of the library, she took place at one of the comfy white sofa in the middle of the room. Her mind swirling around all the nightmares mingled with her anger, frustation and doubt. There's too many things to the point she didn't even know which one to focused on. Her heart began to hammered a tad too loud, but she kept her breathing as quiet as she could despite having no one in sight. It's a habit she held close to her heart even when she didn't live with her family anymore. Finding the darkest corner to hide, crying silently, gathered all the broken pieces together again and act like nothing was happening in the first place.

At first it was just the common regular nightmare. It was nothing she couldn't handle as she'd been dealing with those as much as Saeran did. Though she's sure his nightmares were twice as horrible than hers. But then it kinda just snowballed from there. From vague pictures and blurs of motion, now her nightmare was as vivid as if it were happening in real life. The words, actions and even the way everyone act was exactly the same.

Last night must be the worst she ever gotten in a long time. She remembered how her whole body paralyzed as she slowly opened her eyes; in contrast of the usual gasp and jolted movement. Saeran was still fast asleep. In all honestly he finally got better at sleeping without getting awake regularly, much to her relief. She didn't want to be another burden for him. She already told him way too much and she couldn't bear letting him handling another breakdown of hers.

And then she felt it.

Her fingertip touched the left cheek where the tears from her eyes streaming down her face. Hah... she wondered for a good moment on when did she started crying. Perhaps she felt everything and nothing at once until her mind went numb. But even then she's aware of the lack of emotions on her face right now. It's as if she's unable to showcase anything facial expression in contrast to the tears that keep escaping with each passing second. She must've looked funny right now, she thought to herself. Would Saeran agree with her statement? She doubted that would be the case. But if there's one thing she's certain of; she needed this tears. She needed to cry and letting out all her bottled up emotions through it. These days she's been having difficulties to shed even a drop of tears. So now she just wanted to savor the feelings while it last.

She kept her posture straight, trying to breathe through her mouth now that she could feel her nose getting red and runny. Luckily there's a box of tissue nearby so she didn't look like a complete disaster. Out of the blue, she let out a dry chuckle in the middle of her mental breakdown. Great, now she's completely losing her mind that way. And the worse part is she didn't know what she want. Would a few words of comfort from her lover soothed her aching heart. Or perharps she's in need of his warmth and embrace right now. Usually it would help her to calm down and shift her focus on him instead.

She immediately shook her head at the thought. As much as he owned her entire heart without a single doubt, she didn't want any of his closure for the time being. And while she's aware he wouldn't judge or denying any of her feelings, she couldn't help the guilt seeping up her body when thinking about it. She wanted to lash out, to scream her lungs out, to ripped out every books within her sight, to kick and punch the faces that ruined his and her lives. She could feel the seething anger bubbling underneath her skin, threatening to jumped out any seconds if she let her emotions took over her rationalism. Maybe if she could just—

The faint knock on the door snapped her out of the spiraling thoughts in her head. It forced her to tore her gaze to the direction of the door. Whoever was on the other side...

It must be Saeran. He must've noticed the way she kept her mouth shut the entire breakfast and how she only took a bite before retreating herself to the mini library of their home. He tend to be a worrywart whenever she showed the slightest sign of not being her usual self, that's just the man he is through and through. It took her a long time to consider before deciding to just let him in. Perharps his presence wasn't as bad as she feared it would be. Besides, there are times when she's denying him when she actually craved it without realizing. And she knew he would respect her choice if she told him she needed to be alone. Therefore she tried to collect herself before answering him.

"C-Come in..."

And there was her chance flying out of the window. Of course the wavery voice would betray her. Couldn't even get her shit together for God's sake. She wondered what's the next thing she's going to ruin after this. However, the sight that greeted her once the door was opened caught her off guard. It was the older twin with red hair and golden eyes that came in instead of her white haired and blueish eyes lover; slightly hesitant in his steps when he saw her weary eyes and tears almost all over her face now. They both didn't exhange anything once he sat across her as she kept her head down the entire time. Though there's no need for shame, she still felt it in her chest despite being grateful he didn't commented on her messy appearance. Only the sound of birds chirping outside can be heard occasionally before he broke the silence first.

"...Do you want to talk about it?"

"Would you like to listen?"

"Yeah."

She took a few shaky breath to regain her composure a little. Feeling a little nervous although she knew he would be a good listener. Perhaps he might have the answer she's been looking for a while. Something that she's been hesitating to tell her lover because of the difference between their choices. It always seemed like she share quite a lot of trait with Saeyoung too. Soon she faced him properly before beginning to talk.

"I feel hurt by everything lately..."

She started by acknowledging her feelings, pondering over her words for a good few moments before continuing.

"I've been having nightmares about... about what happened to you and Saeran back then. And no matter how hard I tried to help you both, it seemed useless in that dreams... "

The cut scenes of images from her nightmares flashed before her eyes; forcing her to broke the eye contact with Saeyoung and held her head back down with a few tears rolling down her cheeks again.

"I know I'm the last person on earth who should feel traumatized by all this when you've gone through worse but—"

"No, stop right there."

He cut her off firmly. It doesn't held any annoyance or irritation per se, but the strictness managed to shut her up without much effort. She held the hem of her clothes tightly around her fist, trying to find something to hold on for a moment. None of them spoke a word after that, making her feel suffocated especially with the thick, heavy atmosphere lingering around them. Therefore she tried to look up to him again. His face was as calm and collected as ever so it's difficult for her to tell what he truly felt.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"How do you handle the anger inside your heart?"

The question seemed to pique his interest; with raised eyebrow and a glint in his eyes that's been urging her to continue. As if he knew there's much more to the question that meet the eye.

"Saeran choose to forgive and make peace with the past. He choose understanding rather than hating. But I know you didn't make the same choice as him..."

She closed her eyes when her mind traveled to the past; remembering her lover's supposedly last words at the lake the night before they had to parted ways. He also repeated the same thing alomg the 4 days of adrenaline rush and path of danger, telling her on how much he already changed and wanted to step into the light with love embracing him once more. And honestly she supported his healing journey all the way. He's now capable of deciding his own path as a free man and he doesn't need to fear anything that's been holding him back. And yet...

"I have too much resentment within me that I don't think I can make a noble decision like that. I could literally burn the people I resent if I want. All my life, I've always forced to empathize and put myself in people's shoes to the point I don't even remember what mine looks like. Why should I do that to those people I loathe? I'm done dishing out my kindness towards people. But I also know that I don't want to hold onto this anger. I'm—"

Her chest rising and falling as her heart was beating in rapid motion. The words that's been spilling out of her mouth just now were too much even for her. Would he think of her as a selfish person after this? Maybe. Even her head began to spun around like a carousel at the theme park as her hand constantly shaking out of... Anger? Embarrassment? Shame? She couldn't tell at this point.

"...You don't want to forgive. You just want to forget about it and move on with your life but without the anger trying to hold you back from happiness."

There, the perfect summary of her entire feelings. For a moment she wondered how did Saeyoung manage to captured it so precisely. But that's the least of her concerns right now. Just with that short sentences, he made her feel understood and seen. Exactly like what she craved for without any judgement or accusation.

"Did you feel like you're stuck in between?"

"Very."

Silence greeted them again. But this time it's slightly better than before considering she already let out what's on her chest all this time. She waited for his answer in anticipation: wondering if there's any difference when it comes to the twins comforting style. While their personalities are the complete opposite of each other, her instinct told her that they both held the similar pattern of speech in relations to comfort.

"I can relate to that anger like you're holding a mirror to me. You know it's perfectly alright to get angry, right? Especially when the world treat you so unfairly almost all your life. It just depends on you. Today you can choose anger if your heart is telling you that. Tomorrow you can choose otherwise. No option is wrong here."

Choosing different option everytime? Now that got her interested. She always thought she should focus solely in one choice. It never crossed her mind that she could do it differently or according to her own feelings. Saeyoung took a deep breath before letting it out a few times. Perhaps trying to collect himself, perhaps she just reminded her of the past.

"I accepted Saeran's decision to forgive just like how he respected mine to not. And you know we are the last person who would judge you or feel weirded out if you choose both."

She nodded her head at his conclusion; feeling the huge amount of relief flowing out of her chest. In a way, she's so grateful for being able to share a piece of herself with her brother-in-law. It's been messing with her mind for quite some time already and while she knew her lover would provide the same comfort, it's actually nice to be see someone relating and doing the same thing as her. It made her feel validated through and through. That her anger is justified and there's no shame to it. For a long time she's been repressing it to the point of tearing herself apart. But now she already got the peace of mind and heart she'd been looking for.

"I... I don't know why it's so hard to..."

The words trailed off as a sudden realization dawned upon her. It's always so hard for her to forgive the people who's been hurting her loved ones. She remembered giving a side-eye glance to the boy that broke her friend's heart. The way she still hold the dissatisfaction towards each and every person that made her loved one's cry or hurt. As much as she's willing to give second chance once in a while, the fact remains that she would never find it in her heart to meet eye-to-eye with these people anymore. Luckily Saeyoung seemed to understand it despite her not uttering it out loud.

"That's okay, I feel the same way with Saeran. God knows I would split the bodies of people hurting him within seconds. And I think Saeran would do the same for you considering how protective my baby brother can be. Not the splitting bodies part of course— but the sentiment is there."

She let out a relief and amused chuckle at the answer, and Saeyoung soon followed the gesture. In some ways, she knew that she's connected to Saeyoung when it comes to protecting their siblings. Perhaps it's because they're both the older one so it's easy to relate to those feelings. It could be because they share the same rage within their heart. Either way, she knew he would always got her back no matter what.

"Very heroic of my love to do that."

"Only the best for his angel, as he would say."

This time she couldn't help but smile when thinking about her lover. While she admitted to him before it's quite awkward when she's being called an angel, now it seemed to grow on her already. Her heart felt warm at the thought of him regarding her as an angel despite her flaws and insecurities. She always said to him that if there's any of them are an angel, it's definitely him. Though he would playfully argue with her statement at times. She then wipe out the remaining tears, shooting a hesitant glance at Saeyoung before letting the word fell over her lips.

"Can I... get a hug?"

Wordlessly, he open his arms wide and wrapped it around her waist as soon as she moved next to him. Her eyes fluttered shut at his warmth, different from Saeran and yet gave the same sense of secure and comfort. Saeyoung always mentioned how he's twice as warm so that he can provide the heat for two of the most important people in his life. She pulled him tighter when remembering every happy memories that the three of them made together.

"Thank you for listening, Saeyoung. I couldn't ask for a better brother-in-law."

"Don't think about it. I cherish you as much as I cherish my brother. I have the duty of protecting my family after all."

Sooner or later, she found herself dozing off on his shoulders without her realizing it. The breakdown along with the heart-to-heart conversation surely take a toll on her body. Therefore she let herself fall into the dreamland after feeling her chest getting lighter thanks to his warm embrace.

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ayrennaranaaldmeri · 4 months

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i saw a horrible post so i must rage

I am literally fucking losing it like if you really are (sorry) that fucking stupid and didn't pay any motherfucking attention to the motherfucking information this motherfucking game gives you about what githyanki ascension is and think lae'zel's ascension ending is only fucking questionable and there is literally no fucking cure for your brainrot bc your listening and reading comprehension is dead. lae'zel became lich food, she's dead. she's gone. it's not just ominous, it's bad. she's fucking dead. WITHERS COULDN'T FIND HER.

like for the love of god you can like a negative character development ending, i.e the "bad" ending without trying to twist it like its secretly a good ending.

you are so disingenuous in how much you need g*d!Gale or ascended!ast**rion to be a morally good choice for you to make that you'll treat the extinguishing of lae'zel's life as only ~questionable or try to justify sh*rheart as well its not so bad when it's like did you have your eyes open at all during this character's storyline. genuinely. why would it be bad for a character who has a divine shock collar that gives her unbearable pain every time she committed wrongthink by being herself (and yet she still keeps committing wrongthink for a few decades bc that's just who she is), to then shackle herself to the one who gave her the divine shock collar, esp when one of the major steps towards that is made when she's completely uninformed and just thinks she wants to do that and isn't really aware that the goddess she's about to kill the gay aasimar for had her kidnapped as a child and have regularly had her brutalise her parents and wipe her memory since then for like over 30 years. you can enjoy evilheart but that doesn't really stop it from being the worse ending in terms of how happy she is.

Like, imagine calling it "the endings where characters get what they want" and then saying its bad writing if they're all bad. all that means is that you fundamentally misunderstood the text bc that is an extremely shallow read lol bc none of these people are experiencing the level of contentment they do in their (and i know this is a very scary word but its okay i promise) good endings.

#tbd #you're not the bad person for liking the bad ending now shut the fuck up #it's not bad writing #gale didn't get what he wanted #gale wanted to be better than the gods #he just became another god #and how little he thinks of his mortal self #as little as my*stra thought of him.#as*tion became caza*dor instead of being free of him #but like if you dig it you dig it but i swear to god people are #so defensive about something being labelled as the bad ending like its a personal attack on them if they choose it #bro when i played mystic messenger years ago i had my marina diamandis holding the mic like👀moment for jumin's bad ending #but that's what it was; a bad ending. there was literally an ankle bracelet #12 year old girls playing anime dating sims have more understanding of what a bad ending is than u clowns #and they won't get so defensive about it either #i'm sorry the lae'zel thing made me so mad you're so determined to sit on your dumpster fire #that you can't admit that kinning vlaakith is just a bad ending for lae'zel the only ground you can give is questionable lmfao #fandom wank #bg3 spoilers

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