#not because work would catch me

[lostintime-liketearsinrain]

The looks you get when you buy a 1ltr bottle of Vodka at 7am on the way to work are hilarious 😂😂😂

#no I'm not an alcoholic cash register lady 😂 #it's payday and I thought fuck it why not #handy to have when it's been a long ass blah day which work is being that at the moment #the temptation to pour some in my water bottle in work is strong but I wouldn't #not because work would catch me #I drive to work and would never ever drink and drive #never get why people will chance it with 1 alcoholic drink after work on the pub and then drive #it should be no alcohol if you drive #why take the risk to yourself and those around you #never drink and drive kids #well these tags went on a tangent haha #if you read a all my rambles then gold star #haha #best head into work now 😂 minus the alcohol bottle which is tucked away in the car till I get home

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[griancraft]

Hi guys, this is sort of my official "please, for the love of god, listen to Skyjacks with me” post because I’m losing my mind and all the content I can find is from the latest stuff right now, and I don’t want to spoil myself. I want to be able to talk about this with people!!!! I will make a watch (listen) party discord if there is enough interest. Just give it a chance; you won’t regret it. Also, some information may be wrong or outdated. I’m on episode 11 out of over 200.

Skyjacks is a ttrpg podcast about sky pirates in a world where there was a catastrophe about 200 years ago that left the sea unsafe to sail and maybe even damaged the entire world to the point where civilization is scattered and in small groups. There is very casual queer rep, and it’s casual to the point where it really just fits into the world perfectly.

A brief summary of the premise of the first episode will hopefully get you hooked. I’m really bad at summaries, but I promise it’s a billion times better than how I talked about it here:

Captain Orimar Vale is dead, and a mutiny will be on Gable, Jonnit, Travis, and Dref’s hands if they are unable to keep up the ruse of him being alive. To do this, necromancy (deeply forbidden magic) is performed by the Dref, the ship's doctor, to turn him into a semi-functional zombie. Captain Orimar is famous for his abilities as a captain; to replicate this will take great skill.

As they run out of supplies, they make a desperate decision: port on the land of one of Orimar’s scorned lovers or deal with the growing uneasiness of the rest of the crew. They haven’t seen their captain healthy in months, and whispers about his health are starting. However, greater danger will await them when they take to the skies again, lurking just beyond the clouds…

And more propaganda as to why I think you guys will like it:

There are unique and interesting gameplay mechanics they use to tell a really cool story, and if you like Hermitcraft or any other sorta storytelling-based SMP, I promise you’ll like it. Like. If you liked Boatem from Hermitcraft 8, you’ll love the characters in Skyjacks. The players are exceptionally good at playing their characters, their humour is unmatched by anything similar I’ve had the pleasure of seeing, and the story is prioritized, which I think is an amazing choice.

Best part? It’s still ongoing after, like, 5 years. Some people have left, but a good chunk of the OG cast has stayed. Not that leaving is bad, because holy crap, 5 years is a long time, and stories have to end at some point! It’s a good way of getting into something and knowing there is still a shit ton of content to be explored.

The music is good. The story is good. The characters and humour are amazing. The lore of the world is sprinkled throughout, and as you learn more about the world, the more excited you get. It’s incredible so far, and if you decide to listen to it, I will actually love you forever and ever. My boyfriend is on episode 190, and he finds it so funny every time I go. Oh my god, this is so cool.

Link to the podcast, but in a playlist (up to 180). So it’s in order and easy to find, since it’s a part of something else from the oneshot network:

#I need you guys to get into skyjacks I cannot do this alone #Can’t even look in the skyjacks tag for fan art to loose my mind about because I am literally over 200 1hr+ episodes BEHIND #I promise it is so worth it #I’m almost done episode 11 : #which is so so early so it would be very easy to catch up to me #I’m going to reblog this once a day or so I think #collapses in a heap of dust this post was never supposed to be this long #also please don’t spoil me if you’re ahead or get ahead guys istg i will kill you with my bare hands I’ll put my episode number in my pinne #ack tags too long #me when I infodump for 45 minutes straight when I should be working on my final essay #I’m dragging you fuckers kicking and screaming. Please guys. #I realize now this will like definitely show up in the tags but honestly I don’t know if that matters

[abirddogmoment]

i hope i never stop being amazed at the power of latent learning, like wow how cool is it to practice something a little bit, take a long break so it can sink in, and then return and do it beautifully??? amazing phenomenal and so so cool

#dogblr #dog training #i feel that i have gotten soooo much better at 'ending on a good note' instead of pushing for another perfect rep #i catch myself more often and quit while we're ahead #anyway this is specifically about my beautiful dogs #i was watching a reel of this persom teaching a 5mo border collie to wrap jumps #and she did it in probably about 60 or 70 reps in one session #and i was thinking that it would take me at least 10 or 15 sessions with rory because i can get maaaaaybe 5 reps of any behaviour #before shes like nah this sucks #but the coolest thing about training brittanies is just #you do your 3 or 4 reps and quit #and you come back a week later and they GET it #its like they need a long time to process it #but they WILL process it in your time off #anyway shes doing a really decent baby freestack in a front position #we practiced it once two weeks ago and then returned to it today and she nailed it #i tried to video but of course it did not work #storal of the mory: i love a dog that constantly humbles me in this specific way #im glad this was a brittany thing and not just a mav thing because i love training in this way

[naamahdarling]

.

#ashamed and alarmed to discover that much like teachers #people who work closely with folks who spend a lot of time on the streets #and in shelters #or in buildings that offer services to the disadvantaged #will catch every fucking thing that goes around #just like their clients do #which sucks more for them #by like a whole fucking lot #but also sucks for my boyfriend who needs to do his job which is to help them and would rather not have to do that while sick #but we don't have a choice and they don't have a choice and this work MUST be done #so he has to try to do it anyway and hope he can hold up #desr god he is tough #for a soft guy #it also sucks for me because i catch almost all of it too #we have each been sick three times this year #and i know people do deal with and are dealing with way worse so i feel bad being mad about it #not mad at the people or my boyfriend but mad at the whole situation #this is infuriating and between us this year we could have fulfilled the snot needs of the entire nation if there were a shortage #i hope i don't catch whatever this is #and i hope our immune systems are not so ravaged by the covid we had a year ago that we cannot build a more robust immunity to rhinoviruses #ughhh stupid flesh hovels

[primatechnosynthpop]

Being meguca makes me feel good

[ID: a drawing of the ghostbusters in magical girl outfits, with their cartoon designs. Ray wears a brown overall dress over a sailor uniform top with short puffy sleeves and a blue cape, goggles on his forehead with pink rabbit ears attached, and yellow shoes. There are dog face decals on his dress and heart decals on his shoes, and he holds a baton with a rabbit emblem. Peter wears a dark green vest over a white shirt with frilly cuffs, a brown plaid bow around his neck, a belt with a holster, a black skirt, and cowboy boots. He holds up three zener cards with a smirk. Winston has a gray top with buttons and white sleeves, a camo skirt, knee-high white socks, army boots, and a baseball cap with a wing decal. He has a choker and bracelets with crosses on them, and holds a staff that's a cross between a baseball bat and magnifying glass. Egon's dress resembles a high-collared lab coat, but the short sleeves and the lower half of the dress have mottled pink and blue colouration and evoke fungi in their design. He has black gloves and knee-high boots, mushroom decals on either side of his head just above his glasses, and holds a large syringe filled with green liquid and a star on the end of the needle. The team has matching soul gems in the shape of the "no" logo; Ray's is on his chest, Peter and Winston both have them on their belts, and Egon's is on his collar. The background is pink, with energy glowing around each of their weapons. End ID]

[ID: two bonus doodles branching off from the above. In the first, Janine addresses Kyubey, who's perched on her desk: "No way! I've learned my lesson about getting wishes granted." Kyubey replies "I assure you, my species is far different than anything you've encountered before--" Janine cuts it off, pointing angrily away, and snaps "I said I'm not interested! Now shoo! Go bother one of the guys if you're so desperate for attention." Kyubey obediently hops off the desk.

The second shows the guys in casual clothes clustered around Kyubey. Winston asks, "This thing's not a ghost, is it?" Egon, holding a meter up to Kyubey, replies "No. I have no idea what it actually is." Ray, who's holding Kyubey, says "Well, I think he's kind of cute!" to which Peter adds, "Sure... a lot cuter than the spud, anyway." End ID]

#unlike the last two sets of silly guys i've given this treatment to this time im not gonna construct a whole elaborate narrative #mostly because given their line of work i just think they wouldn't be nearly as affected by the whole thing #don't get me wrong they wouldn't LIKE finding out the truth about incubators and soul gems and all that #but at the end of the day battling witches and collecting their grief seeds isn't THAT different from catching ghosts #and i feel like egon would be able to make a device that could get people's souls out of the gems and back in their bodies #i mean maybe not who knows. but given some of the stuff they've managed it wouldn't surprise me #ANYWAY. click and zoom to enhance the silly outfits i put too much thought into #my art #ghostbusters #the real ghostbusters

[front-facing-pokemon]

#dustox #hi! if you're coming from the cascoon post's tags‚ you already know what's up. i just woke up and i need to take my meds but i have yet to #and i have to go to work in an hour and a half. yippeeee! anyway. i think there was a shadow dustox in pkmn colosseum? #either that or i remember it super vividly bc one of the guys in pyrite town had one. which i think might (also?) be the case #i remember pretty much every pokémon those guys in pyrite town had. bc as a kid i always went back to battle them #i would always go back to check to see if they were done fighting me. and when they wanted to fight me again i would always be surprised #every time. as a kid. i thought eventually they'd stop or something i didn't even know that i was effectively just grinding #but also i was really bad at catching shadow pokémon bc i didn't know anything about type matchups. i thought the whole #not very effective and supereffective things were just totally random. so i always thought it was so funny when it said #it's not very effective… a critical hit!! because i thought that made no sense. because i didn't know what the fuck it meant #luckily‚ now i do. my brain is very filled with pokémon knowledge……… #i'm gonna get off my tag-soapbox and take some meds. y'all remember to take yours‚ too‚ now

[tardis--dreams]

You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore

#okay I'm a little ashamed #it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester #but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it #(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude #to ask if it was still okay to send it #especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it #it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion' #so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail #and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. ) #it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March #so I'm not behind for once) #and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago #so i don't have to do that next semester #and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester #I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on #I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long #the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was #I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things #i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done. #void screams

[arabian-batboy]

I know life isn't a competition, but it really sting when friends/family members who are younger than you achieve something before you do...

#for some strange reason ALL my friends are precisely one year younger than me #and they all went to the same college as me with the same sponsorship #despite that most of them have graduated one year before I did #mostly because of me switching majors #and I officially start work in one week #but all of them have already been working for an entire year now and I don't want to get into the details of our work #but all of them are getting a specific promotion today #and I'm HAPPY for all of them.......but at the same time I can't help but feel bad about myself #because I know I would have been with them today if I graduated on time #and its not like I can catch up to them #since promotions in our work is based on how long you have been working so they will always have seniority on me #personal

[sarah-yyy]

at that time of the year where i have No Motivation to work

#i MIGHT get a raise next month after my performance review like i'm holding my breath since i got a significant one in april #but would be REALLY nice and would really raise morale #would make me not think about quitting law to work at bunnings every day #also would make me less 😒 about the partner just fucking around and making me do all his work #like yesterday!!! he just took the day off without even giving me a heads up like ???? #man i mean he did tell bossman it was because his child was ill and i do appreciate that it may be stressful for you to juggle- #-work and also an infant child but......????????? #literally your wife isn't even working atm and she could've probably dealt with it?????? and i was SWAMPED yesterday #and again? no notice??????? like was bossman the one who had to do all your appointments or was i the one who had to pick up on your slack #i'm not even convinced his child was sick yesterday tbh low key think he's got a side hustle he's working on #which is fine you do you #but man we are understaffed i am working at bloody capacity I GO INTO WORK AN HOUR EARLY JUST SO I CAN CATCH UP #and you really out here playing these games with me???????? #why tf should i 拼死拼活 just to make money so you can profit off just fucking around #ANYWAY yeah y'all can see i'm reaching my max tolerance on this :/ #work stories

[icewindandboringhorror]

A very interesting cloud formation!

#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0 #Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol #I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share #(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic) #I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out #spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions #that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is #in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these #vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a #big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor #or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr... #Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me #was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives #a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f #ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone #around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in #terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again #I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if #so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term #issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm #already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I #hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows #like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo #even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA #Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED #to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire #time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain #myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance #I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an #people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T

[cbk1000]

I'm really fucking sick of hearing how smart I am and then being given tasks a monkey could do.

#i am super frustrated #because I've been in this job now for about nine months #it's a pretty high level position #and i was promoted to it because my bosses wanted me working on higher level projects #because they knew I'd be good at it #so what has the vast majority of this job consisted of? #basic data entry #that's not even within the scope of my duties #that keeps getting dumped on me because I work super quickly and accurately #and i already talked to my boss about how frustrated i was #and how I didn't mind helping out temporarily and doing some of this work #even on a daily basis #but not for eight hours a day every day #and guess who just got more of the same old bullshit dumped on them again #after being told other people would help with it? #and i wouldn't have to do it all myself? #spoiler alert: i was expected to do it all myself #oh but support was offered #if I can't keep up with my other work #they'll try and give that to other people to catch up #you know the work that gives me some variety in my day #people noticed how quickly I type and now just treat me like a dumpster for anything menial that's behind because things are a shitshow #i've started looking to see what jobs are out there #but god I hate the idea of having to give up the sick and vacation time i've banked #personal

[mustlovesteve]

i wanted to be done writing fanfiction for a while after LATBG, just leisurely working on the sequel miniseries, but now i have Ideas about a S3 St/eddie AU that doesn't take away much from any platonic St/obin scenes...

#i think the best approach would be to have eddie completely uninvolved in the russia plot #he's just a customer who comes by to flirt with steve who is trying to be oblivious #and maybe this leads to steve catching onto what robin is saying in the bathroom a few seconds quicker at most #but he doesn't have his own revelation until later that night #i'd definitely want eddie to run into them when they're all bloodied up at the mall #maybe he's concerned because he was told they were both no-shows for work yet steve's car was in the lot #so he's just been loitering around the mall #anyway i read a lot of great S3 AUs but i just REALLY love st/obin and it feels Wrong to me when robin's scenes get intruded upon by eddie #like i love you eddie but go away #but also st/eddie is great so #man idk i'm just rambling it's christmas eve i think it's time for wine and movies #lukapost

[smalltownfae]

Is it me or there are only people that are either obsessed with horror or can't watch it at all because "it's too scary"? I can't be the only one that thinks horror is just a genre like any other, right? Neither obsessed nor afraid of it. I watch it and read it like I would a drama or anything else...

Btw, if you like horror is there a movie or book or show that actually scared you? I don't remember being actually scared by any after my teens.

#horror #when I was a teen I would light up everything after watching horror and then keep peeking behind doors and such to make sure #nothing was there hahaha #I can't remember which movies had that effect on me though #jump scares work on me because they catch me by surprise but I don't call that being scared #those are cheap tricks #the real horror for me is real life or stuff like lolita...

[travalerray]

what if I wrote a TMA AU. What then

#lan wangji #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #nie huiasang #mdzs #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mo dao zu shi #kk's writing tag #tma #note: I need to actually go back and catch up on the lore in question so do not quote me on any of the alignments #however my very controversial (/j /j) opinion is that LWJ is more Corruption aligned due to the whole Lan clan drama being Making Bad #Decisions In Love. I see why people give him the Lonely alignment because of the whole detachment/sheltered thing he has going on #but! Think of the whole consumed by love thing! #(yes I did post him at the Archives because one of his main things apart from running after wwx does happen to be looking after the library #pre timeskip. No I don't think that the Eye makes sense for him as a character.... However the eye freaks most people out in tma due to the #whole being watched business. However I needed a starting point so I kept the Lans as the archives #for now. It might change later. I am thinking NHS would be a fun spin on Tim with their whole brother business yk? #as for JC and WWX.... I mean Vast and End work but I don't know if I want JC to become an Avatar. I think it would be fun if he did get som #abilities but didn't fully become one. Anyways LXC is a very hm point for me because of the whole trust and mediator business..... #but that's a thought for later. I don't think any characters from a different series can actually be fit into neat categories here #esp with mdzs's love and devotion and self sacrifice themes along with the class inequality)

[needylittlegirl]

ahh i feel yucky

#just mad about life again <3 #mad that my doctors told me not to go to college yet #and now that i probably could if this medicine works #i dont see the point anymore #what i wanted to do wouldnt get me anywhere #i just found that out without even trying it for myself #like i guess its good cause i dont have loans lol! #but i wish i wouldve had one shot to try it out #like. im a kid im supposed to find stuff out the hard way right?? #yeah i got the easy way out financially and time wise but. i didnt even get to try i didnt even get to see what it couldve been like #and im mad i spent all of my youth with my shitty stupid ex that just had to rape and abuse me like it didnt even matter #im mad that he gets to ruin any future relationship i have even though he isnt around anymore #it isnt fair none of its fair #im gonna be 21 next month and all i know is not even getting the chance to fail and not even knowing what love is supposed to look like #what do i have to show for any of it? #i look at people i grew up around and theyre all finding their ways and doing things we talked about when we were kids #ive always felt like im just watching everyone grow up like a tv. im just sitting infront of it and theyre all going #and i thought maybe that wouldve changed by now i thought maybe id catch up #maybe i was naive or stupid to think it would change because it hasnt #im scared that im just gonna be one of those people that just doesnt really ever do anything #and it wasnt even up to me! i had such big dreams and then i had to have some stupid pains #and some stupid doctor had to tell me to hold off for a year #and its like the drain was pulled in a bathtub and everything just started to go down #whatever #im done ill be fine #tbd