having a lot of emotions right now
but mostly because I think i'm realizing wrote off a lot of my medical trauma because I haven't seen a doctor or had any significant interaction with any medical professional for so long, I assumed that it was just more generalized anxiety
but, as a kid, I went to the doctor regularly etcetcetc
and my dad used to be a doctor (I barely remember that time, he was a piano teacher by the time I could really form solid memories)
and he absolutely used to brush off anything I brought up as not a big deal and between that and some clear instances I can think of of our family doctor not taking me seriously (which is a weird brain shift, because my main memory of her is being generally awesome, giving me ice skates, and standing up for me when my mom tried to have a therapy session about how i wasn't talking to her because I was a teenager)
and I think, being told by someone with medical authority, whether it was my dad or the doctor, that it wasn't so bad time and time again was traumatizing. It doesn't feel big or huge, but neglect is traumatic, and, now I understand I'm autistic and already so fucking confused about how pain and feeling things works, I can't even begin to imagine how much that fucked me up.
like, I think the reason I don't trust doctors and didn't see a doctor for a good five years was about more than just that one time a doctor brushed me off and claimed my hot flashes were just stress from exams that had already been over for two months. It was because that fed into a longstanding pattern of neglect being brushed off which had taught me to assume I was fine, so it just triggered all of my run and hide and avoid making a stir instincts.
so that, of course that laid the groundwork for my eventual anxious breakdown stemming from (non-existent) allergies, because I was dealing with the fact that I truly believed I was going to die any minute (I wasn't, but hey, anxiety) and so I was going to doctors, but I was going with the assumption that I needed to run and hide and didn't care.
And fucking bless the one doctor who looked at my notes and listened when I said "I have this physical thing going on and this anxiety thing going on" and believed me and went "yup, here's how to deal with the physical thing without triggering the anxiety and this is the lie you have to tell to get fast tracked through the mental health system and get a therapist" before I could run and hide, because otherwise, I don't want to think about what could have been
But that was one person after a significant pattern that traces back to my entire childhood. And I've basically avoided doctors since that breakdown on the assumption that all my problems (minus acute injuries) are anxiety and the belief that the best response to a doctor is to assume I'm fine and hide my needs so as not to bother the.
So, of course I have medical trauma. Of fucking course.
That's a whole lot of feelings to work through now. Rude.
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remembered some of my host design thoughts from 2020 just gonna straight up copy and paste them some grammar mistakes don't mind that too much
host design progress/thoughts/etc/etc
schmitty - when i listened to his (scared) tmp2 voicelines i imagined him (and did like 2 doodles) as a humanoid red quip. whether or not that's because me and my friends memed said quip a lot and i began assoisating the quip with schmitty might...idk be up in the air lol.
anyways i basically made him a human verison of the red quip and my human verison for him came later
cookie masterson - i think i listened to his F U easter eggs? and then boom. cookie, made his tie a ...cookie tie bc of his name lol
REDACTED - i think i listened to the tmp1 " voice reveals "? i forgot, man it's only been two months. anyways i know i based their look soley on something said on their tumblr page, " based raised in the woods ". and i made their " not shadowy " form not too long after
to quote myself: " well hes a serial killer or something right " . oh and i believe i made his shirt purple bc that color is sometimes associated with evil! woo. as for my first take on his Totally normal man in society he did not seem like a guy that could play off being a Totally normal man in society. he had fricking pink eye and was bleeding from his mouth and looked really sickly
todd - ah the funny internet man! my first design for him ..funky hair. i know i went through like 3 hairstyles for him and whether or not i wanted to give him shorts.
the 3 things that stayed through out all the designs are: shades, fire tie/fire on the pants and green crocs. now that i think about it his clothes are weird lol..
nate - soley based on his F U easter egg. " i'm pretty (fricking) expensive. " i also wanted to use a different head shape.
from my first sketch of him, nothing has really changed except for the stripes on his tie
guy towers - oh fgod my first reference drawing of him, the colors and design are pretty much the same now except i changed his shoes a bit and give him a short ponytail
idk hes the sports guy and sports people wear visors...yea
oh my gosh i think i gave guy a ponytail bc of some " au doodle/ the whereabouts of the ydkj hosts "
binjpipe - oh uhhhhhh ,is pink , hair shapes a b, she is the only character with a eye color (i guess bc i didnt really bother giving eye colors to any of my hosts)
my design for it has not changed, the onyl thing i added recently was circuits on her hands! bc . idk circuits are cool
schmitty but human - ohhey i found it, i imagined in his ydkj days hes just...pretty tired. hence gray hairs! and i know the tie i very loosely based on Funny Faster Funnier or wahtever it is
dr ro (hc name: dr.rangsey) - short science girl! idk i think the phrase " lab safety is mint colored! " fits her and thats something i thought about..and her colors are based on her game
again her design did not change much i think i just made the labcoat look better
hfelicia - ohhh i remember really wanting to make a design for her . i was like I GOTTA DO THIS.. and tentacles were a requirement. and a eyeball in her hair
one sketch i have is her with eyes on her arms which i believe i did put in, in her monster form . ok i just found when i got around to linearting and coloring, i realized her outfit was too similar to the mother in her game so i changed it (and ngl i was thinking of maid outfit kinda) i looked up vintage clothes and gave her something from that, and red shoes lol
guesspionage host (hc name: abigail s) - oh!! i doodled him on paper first, my final design is pretty different my gosh
my next sketch for him then has boots and a different head shape , uhh yea, eventually i made the shoes Not fricking big and i gave him some cool glove thing with...circuits! bc to quote on my reference page " epic shocking prank ". ngl that was mostly bc of gandra dee in dt17 bc she has nanobots or whatever on her hand and its pretty cool and i thought this host would be the kind to get stuff like that
and could be used for self defense i think? shocking hurts and its like ..opposite of binjpipes' kinda. his are on the palm while hers are on the opposite of the palm (??i dont know my human terms)
dandelion - design hasnt changed much either! and i hc him to be schmitty's brother so i uhh yea made them look similar somewhat. BUT MAN THE SHOES IN HIS FIRST DESIGN............not great. i added a bit more to his suit..jumpsuit? in my latest design for him! swaggy
buzz lippman - when i first heard him there were 2 things i know were needed - a tophat and yellow glasses
my first design for him isnt different from his latest deisgn, i jsut gave him a blue tie. blue as to tie into nate bc theyre cousins and i gave nate a yellow tie os yea
dixie - aww my first sketch for her was cute, i wanted something flowy, i made her somewhat angelic! and her dress has clouds ..and the thing around his waist and her cape are supposed to represent the millions of words made up! (vaguely bc no way am i gonna write words there) oh and the cape is kinda uhh like her wings persay!
civic doodle hostress and old man - AHHA my first doodle of old man was just a stick figure bc thats how hes shown in the ride. and i gave them both stick figure forms bc why not? EHAj i wasnt sure what colors to give to them at first so i used ms paint colors, AND OLD MANS BEARD WAS MADE OUT OF POMPOMS..God haa i didnt give him a beard at first when i finalized both of their designs
gene - referenced from his ingame look in sti, thought hed be a office guy so yep! and his pants have pixels similar to todd's sleeves , bc they are kinda a duo right
helen - awhhg she looks pretty anger in her first sketch and latest design...i thought of her color being green at first and man her skin color was more sickly
otherwise her hair style and form havent really changed. ohh there was a short time where i thought she was the ceo of binjpipe ..glad i didnt continue on with that thought, anyways stan helen bc she has to deal with 5 men sending each other to the bottom constantly </3 , or did so in teh ride
dot! - ah! my first digital sketch of her, really the two things that changed were her hairstyle and her pants. hairstyle is a thing thats stumped me several times lol, ooh her colors changed a bit too
ahh i wanted to give her a tuxedo shirt at first but i didnt 😔
bob - hairstyle REALLY stumped me with this one . and for my first digital sketch i quote myself " honestly keep seeing bob as bald " , then i saw the tvtropes page where it says he implies he has 80s hair or something and i was like " shit "
bidiots host (hc name: quant) - not much here, i based his suit on one i saw on a show we were watching in one of my classes. idk why i gave him a red gem thing tho, why not i guess!
dode - i know i looked up reference images for short hair! her design has changed p much the same the most ive changed were her colors
eventually i drew her ingame look :P
word spud host - literally a cardboard cutout, i think it was seriously inspired by box from inanimate insanity / a humanization of box that was a cutout cardboard and i thought it was nice
as for a serious design for them? maybe,
Ok um i guess the canvases are down here it goes august 2020 -> september 2020 -> started in 2021 minor edits here and then so this is most recent one 2023 -> december 2023
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