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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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swinterr · 5 years

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Valerie I

It all started last week, when Shawn dropped the teaser normally Valerie is a very supportive girlfriend but not on this one. He was filming his music video, Valerie is spending time with her family. Finally, the day when the music video drops, Valerie didn’t watched it even the teaser.

Social Media is Social Media some people can call it their safe place but she doesn’t for her, Social Media is a platform where you see what you don’t want to see. For her, Social Media is toxic everywhere you go it reeks negativity well some may had some positive energy with their post but not all, not all. She saw some pictures that she didn’t want to see.

Valerie remembers the day when Shawn told her that he and Camila are collaborating again, His eyes has this twinkling effect that only happened when he’s happy, well he is happy very happy indeed. Valerie congratulated Shawn on his new music video on how the editing looks so good even though she didn’t watched it how Shawn and Camila looked good together, everything she complemented. Days passed Shawn is back touring and Valerie is back at Massachusetts collecting some of her things on her dorm to take home.

Shawn is very busy touring, he enjoys singing, playing guitar, hanging out with his best friends Brian and Connor. Valerie is back home in Toronto with her family. She enjoys reading books, playing archery on their yard and boxing.

Finally it happened while Valerie is getting ready for their like family-reunion-party-for-4th-of-July a picture went viral on the internet.

Valerie is out with her family when she saw the pictures but on particular picture caught her eye, she is sitting on the couch next to her sister Viviane and his husband Seth. Vernon, his brother along with his wife Jess, Vernon talking about his son Milo and Laslo (who are playing with the table designs) with their cousin Andre and Viviane is holding is baby boy named Cupid. The Valentin’s are hosting a party in their hotel in Toronto. She is scrolling down her feed in Instagram, of course being a supportive girlfriend she follows #shawnmendes

Shawn and Camila are kissing, Valerie isn’t really the type of person who will just point out something wrong, she always gathers her information before speaking. Sometimes she will answer your question with a hum as, she hums she thinks about her words she will put in the sentences, she always makes sure she will use it in a good way she also try not to offend someone.

She has enough information with all the pictures she’s been tag in the video and clips of them, she had enough. She puts her phone down the marble table.

“Viv.” She spoked softly. Valerie has a sweet, soft, light and airy voice even if she’s mad or sad she never raises her voice.

Viviane noticed something in her voice she may have a soft voice but she sounds so fragile right now. “Yes Val, something wrong?”

Vernon and Andre stopped talking, all their attention is on Valerie. Even the kids.

Valerie looks so fragile her tired watery eyes glancing up at her sister as she tugs at her sleeves on her off shoulder long sleeved Dolce & Gabanna cotton blend dress, fighting back the tears, she tries to blink faster hoping it will dry but heavy tears started flowing down her rosy cheeks.

“Can I skip the party, I think my febrile response is kicking in again.”

Andre glances at Valerie’s phone. “Oh no.” he gasped. Valerie quickly took her phone back to her clutch.

“Please, I need some time alone.” Valerie didn’t wait for their answer as she walks towards her parent explaining her febrile response which literally just mean fever.

Little does she knows the group of five started talking about the said issue.

She also didn’t wait for her parents response she walked straight to the front door, not minding the paparazzi taking a picture of her crying. Her chauffeur is holding the car door for her.

She got into the car she closes her eyes, taking deep breaths in an effort to stop never ending flow of tears. She didn’t even wait to be home, she needs to talk to Shawn ASAP. She opened her Marc Jacob clutch and took her phone out.

“Hello?” Valerie’s hoarse voice spoke through the phone, she has been crying since the pictures had come out. Nonstop tears keeps on spilling in her $2,600 worth of dress she wore.

She keeps on calling him but no answer, Shawn wasted their 3 years together and she’s not gonna waste more again no answer so she just decided to text him a message.

To: my canada 💞

Hey shawn are you there? I’ve been calling you the last 15 minutes? Are you good? i’m not gonna kept this message long. What happened to us? Did I do something wrong? I though im forever? Were forever? You know what, why did you tell me that you don’t want me anymore, its much easier than you doing this? You said that you’re just friends but I had enough. I can’t be with someone who has allegedly been dating his best friend behind my back. You said this song could be a hit, I believed in you. I hope you’re happy this is the last time that I will tell you this I love you. I love you too much to let go but this is the right thing to do. Focus on things that will make you happy and successful. xoxo

That week has been really painful to Valerie she thought all the things she should have accomplished if she wasn’t with him. She could have graduate, Shawn recently finished his tour in Europe of couse they will go to Italy as one of the places they set and Valerie has an Italian blood loved that country so much that Shawn begged Andrew to take Valerie on tour with him. Sadly, Valerie has to take online classes but it’s okay as long as she is with Shawn.

People in the internet has been taging Valerie a lot, a picture of Shawn and Camila at a diner a 4 ‘o’clock in the morning, him picking her up on her acting lessons. Basically doing what couples are supposedly doing. Shawn isn’t that open and that sweet when they were together. They looks so good.

Valerie remebers that she send Shawn a messege last week, and clearly Shawn is so busy with his lifestyle he didn’t even read it! That week was horrible, Valerie and Shawn lived in the same condo in Toronto and she practically lived in their house in Pickering.

Too bad Shawn fucked the 3 years up. Maybe it’s time for a break. So she packed her bag and zoomed off to the airport on the way to her birth land, basically soul searching. Hoping that at least she will have a good time.

Valerie and Shawn has a bucket list together, they didn’t even finished it. Actually Valerie knew that they aren’t gonna last forever, its either she And Shawn will broke up because of long distance or Shawn being bored at Valerie or Shawn finding someone new in tour, well technically he didn’t find new he just reunited with her.

Shawn’s definition of love is love isn’t something you should chase because then it isn’t real you just kinda let it happend and that exactly what happened to them.

Maybe that’s the reason.

Valerie then made a new bucket list for her to complete.

1. Buy myself a new mansion in Los Angles and sell my old one and donate the money

2. Ride an helicopter

3. Buy an island

4. Study hard! Even if it’s summer

5. LOVE YOURSELF

She didn’t feel making a long one, she will just add something of she want.

Valerie should have graduated college but then she was too focused on Shawn, good thing she didn’t have bad grades. So she shall study and make up for the time she lost.

Turns out Valerie needs to be in LA with her family for a grand opening of their new hotel, maybe she will travel next time, she already contacted her friend Bella Hadid, Bella’s father and her father are friends. Bella knew what Valerie is feeling, I mean the pictures are all over internet, so Bella invited her girlfriends and hoped that Valerie will have a good time.

the real angst is on the next part. also sorry if i disappointed someone in my writing.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fluff #angst #fluff #shawn mendes angst #valerie #shawn mendes imagines

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upinthebalcony · 5 years

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hamilton, touring company at the bushnell, december 14th, 2018

i was lucky enough to be able to see the hamilton touring company at the bushnell last month!!

isa briones was in as eliza, and we had a swing come in for maddison in act two. notes below are in no particular order aside from act 1 and 2, sorry!

(also i never saw any boots, so after talking to people who have/have seen the show before, some of this isn’t unique to this production, but i honestly had no idea!)

There sounds like an echo in the plumbing during who lives who dies and Yorktown

Lurens was VERY small and cute

ISA IS THE CUTEST ELIZA EVER!!!

Hamilton is Tall

So is Washington

Literally Eliza comes up to their shoulders, Lafayette is at their jaw, and Laurens is SHORTER THAN ELIZA

Id die for Peggy

The use of white light is WONDERFUL

Comedic timing great

Flip between comedy and horror really good

See the death after you’ll be back I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THERE

Lauren’s death scene being the only spoken part so far was super emotional

I like how the girls are usually above the action when they aren’t in the scene, like they’re always watching and taking note of it, which is what Eliza does

Really Eliza’s the cutest

The king pretending to row a boat at the end of you’ll be back was HILARIOUS

I cried during Alexander Hamilton

At the beginning of stay alive (?) the bullet flying over Hamilton’s head is kinda genius

CHOREOGRAPHY!!!!!!

Some Very Excellent prop work

Love love love the lighting work it’s really incredible

The lights overhead during helpless/satisfied are really cool!!

When Alexander kisses Angelica’s hand there’s a whooshing noise and I love it

Hamilton and burr just sitting for dear theodosia made me cry, the really simple staging really enhances the emotions of the song

I was surprised when they moved the stairs during nonstop even though I knew in the back of my mind that they did that

Washington is REALLY good he’s got such a commanding presence and I really enjoy it

Spinning stage is Fun

WHEN HAMILTON GOT PERMISSION TO MARRY ELIZA HE DID A DANCE

HE ALSO DANCED WHEN HE GOT CHOSEN FOR CONTINENTAL CONGRESS

“Burr you’re a better lawyer than me” “okay! :)”

When Alexander said “oh shit” during story of tonight reprise he said it so loudly opposed to the obc

When the king gets v mad his voice gets all rough and gravely

Wait for it....Very Good staging

THE USE OF WHITE LIGHT IS JUST FANTASTIC OK!!! It like makes the actors feel so close and sharp and I really love how it’s been used

That one scene where a few dancers didn’t have sleeves on their jackets..nice

Eliza just Being Around makes me happy

Peggy’s mini arc in Schuyler sisters is so cute from >:/ to :D

Hamilton seems pretty serious most of the time and then he’ll break when someone turns away and does a little dance or gesture and it’s great

I like how for the battle scenes Washington was just above them lifting his sword in the air

VERY GOOD CHOREO

The sisters holding hands like whenever they’re together. Good.

hi i cried for all of act 2 basically

Thomas Jefferson. Hilarious

His dancing...quality

We had a swing take over for Madison and he was Great a lot more assured than the obc Madison seems on the recording

The cabinet battles are very good

Washington is tired

Loved how Washington and Hamilton’s outfits turned black for one last time (love some costume symbolism)

I cried a lot during that song

Phillip is adorable after he finished his rap he ran up the stairs w his fists in the air

Eliza beatboxing. Pure.

Hurricane’s staging is AMAZING with the furniture!!!!

The percussion is fantastic

Beautiful lighting

Say no to this was surprisingly chaste

Loved the four like. Consciousness ensemble members onstage

And all the ensemble members reaction to that song

AFTER QUIET UPTOWN WHEN MADISON GOES “please” AFTER CAN WE GET BACK TO POLITICS NOW HES CRYING AND WIPING HIS EYES

Jefferson was on the other side of the stage when burr read the letter and when he went “whaaaaa” he ran over and grabbed it

The king watching the Adams administration was incredible

When Hamilton shouted ‘you fat mother—’ he throws down papers and red and white lights flash

The king dancing in Reynolds pamphlet was. Incredible

Washington reading the pamphlet and getting PISSED was. Big mood

Angelica was s o mad and I loved it she was like shaking

Burn. Was so good.

Eliza’s voice kept breaking and I’m. Shook.

She like. Realized she was going to burn the letters in the moment and it = broke me

“I’m.........erasing myself from the narrative”

Her burn was SO ANGRY at the end I loved the build of emotion in it

Haha....Phillip died

The play during that song was funny tbh

I loved the ensemble they all put so much character into their characters

Haha...I cried a lot when he died

The table just slowly spinning as he died

Eliza crying over him I’m fine

When he died she sobbed “oh god” and collapsed on him

And Alexander put his hand on hers and she snatched it away

Room where it happened was. So good.

The lighting was so good the choreo was sO GOOD

Burr improvised the end of the song and it was. Wow

Washington improvised the end of one last time too and it was!!!!! Heck

Quiet uptown messed me up man

I was sobbing I don’t remember much

Eliza silently standing next to Alexander until she took his hand killed me

And then he pulled her hand close and she just c o l l a p s e d

Eliza’s so good she deserves better

Hey so the letter writing scene between burr and Hamilton was hilarious and good

“30 years of disagreement” hamilton hands papers to ensemble to give to burr and they keep going. And going. And the last person has two papers and they borre over to burr while flapping their wings

Loved the four black capes for 10 duel commandments reprise

Hey the bullet messed me up in that song

I was sobbing so much

I saw Washington step up next to hamilton and I just

Laurens and Phillip,,,, the actor just like rolled along the railing which would be funny if it weren’t good and I wasn’t dying

When Hamilton said Eliza’s name!!!! Hell.

He said it so softly and so broken.....

They grabbed for each other im

Hamilton just folds in half when he gets shot and everyone else VANISHES from the stage

Who lives who dies is. So emotional

I love love love how Eliza was framed as the main character at the end

She stood in front at the last shot and gasped as Hamilton showed her the audience and she reached out to us

GOD THE CHOREO WAS SO TOP NOTCH NOT ENOUGH BWAY SHOWS HAVE A LOT OF CHOREO THESE DAYS I LIVE

Eliza...deserves everything

Im so sad we didn’t have a stage door because I wanted to tell isa she was perfect

#hamilton #touring cast

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daehwifi · 7 years

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Bad Boy Daniel Au Part 3

Admin Xion💕

damn you guys rlly love this series

- so at school daniel went back to his normal self - well- you were actually really confused as to what his normal self was - was it this sweet and adorable guy or this complete douche? - or could it be both..? - you would catch daniel just staring at you blanklessly - but then again, you'd have to be glancing at him to know that - ever since he walked you home he's been calling you shorty a lot more often - in whICH YOU HATED - but it slowly grew on you throughout the day - he'd walk pass by you and as your shoulders would bump into each other he'd whisper "shorty" in a low teasing tone - the day was normal as usual but you could feel yourself gaining attention since daniel would nonstop highkey tease you - like during art class he'd take your paint brushes and you'd go on a hunt for them - and once you found out it was him who took it, you smeared paint all over his face as he died of laughter - suprisingly, you were looking forward to go to daniel's house - but at the same time you were scared as fuck cause you didnt wanna lose your viRGINIty you innocent soul - so afterschool, you walked out of the schoolgates and noticed daniel leaning against it as he was kicking around rocks - he still had paint smeared across his face which you found cute - "aye y/n," he called out - "wash off that paint, you look silly," you replied as you chuckled - "you're the one who tainted the art and beauty of my pure, acne free, handsome face," he spoke as he made facial expressions that made you laugh - "whatever you say buddy," - "oi daniel," a voice called behind you - "ready to go?" you looked behind you to see the group of 10 boys daniel would always hang out with - "uhh yeah," he spoke - "i'll see ya later y/n," - "uhh okay,"

- "rEMEMBER AT 7!" he yelled as he waved goodbye, running to his group - sooooo time skip - you were at the front of his house - ringing his doorbell and yet again no answer - so you rang it to ring ding dong again - but this time no answer - "ahh, sorry im late," a voice spoke behind you - you turned around to see daniel with a bleeding nose, a bruised lip and a cut under his eyes - "daniel whatthefuck happened to you?" you asked as he ignored your question and opened the door - "don't worry about it," he spoke bluntly as he made his way in - you followed once again and you could see blood dripping down onto the floor as his arm was also bleeding - you guys entered his room as he instantly headed towards the bathroom - you heard loud banging as suddenly a loud scratch sound was made - "fUCK" daniel yelled - you entered the bathroom cautiously to see him at the side of the bathtub holding his hand due to the cut he got from the first aid kit - you sighed as you walked towards him and sat beside him, opening the first aid kit - getting out the cream, you opened the lid off and placed some onto your fingertips and applied it to his bruised lip and the cut - daniel whined to the burn - "just endure it, okay? squeeze my hand if you need too," you spoke as you placed your left hand out as your right hand continued to apply the cream - daniel intertwined his fingers with yours as he didn't squeeze at al but you didnt seem to notice it - after applying the cream, you got out the a tissue and wiped the blood off of his bleeding nose very gently, making sure not to hurt it - you threw out the tissue and got out the bandages and applied it to his cut under his eye

- "how'd this happen?" you asked softly - "well- we were gonna go out to the arcade but then these group of gangsters began picking a fight and i took the first hit for guanlin," he spoke softly as his voice cracked in between - "please becareful. i mean, i don't support fighting but if you are going to get into a fight, make sure it's one you can win. but still, violence is bad man..." you spoke even more softly as you finished applying the bandage - "also, you're arm is bleeding," you implied as you could see the blood through his white t-shirt - daniel lifted up the sleve of the shirt to reveal a bruise with blood gushing out - "ouch," you commented as you got out a wet tissue and began dabbing gently onto the blood. this time daniel whinced but squeezed your hand a bit as he clenched his eyes extremly tightly. - after doing so, you got out the cream once again and applied it, then applied the bandage around his arm. - "there! all done! unless you have more scars.." you spoke as you looked at daniel, noticing how lost he was looking into your eyes. he blinked softly as he looked down onto the floor. you noticed how he was still holding your hand, but he began to squeeze it a bit more tighter. - "does it hurt that much?" you asked out of concern - "no, i just don't want to let go of your hand," he replied as a smile appeared across his face - he leaned his head into onto your head as you both slowly began to fall asleep naturally - you soon woke up to be in a bed your not familuar with - "wtf do i still have my virignity?" - "yup," - you saw daniel at the table finishing the presentation part of the project - "hhh fiNISHED!" he yelled as he spotted you awake - "someone's awake," he said with a small gummy grin across his face - "how long was i asleep?" - "an hour or so?" he replied. you got out of bed and skimmed over the oral part of the presentation as you approved of it - "seems pretty good," you spoke - "it's getting late, you should head home," daniel said sadly - you chuckled as you nodded and agreed - once again, he walked you home as he non-stopped teased you - but this time, you took longer glances at him - and it sorta hurt everytime you saw his brusies - fAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT DAY - "wAHHH HOLY SHIT HOW ARE YOUR BRUISES HEALING THAT QUICKLY?????" daehwi ask as he gawks his eyes at daniel - you all were in art class as the teacher had to leave the room for a washroom break - daniel glanced at you with a smile as the group began to tease and shove him around playfully - "i want my bruises to be healed that quickly," jisung said as he pouted. the group all had either major or minor bruises. guanlin had a scar on his neck as woojin had a black eye, it was all a mess and everyone pitied them. - "yO Y/N" you heard a voice call out - you turned away from your canvas - "can you help us with our bruises? i mean the nurse went on vacation so..." jaehwan said as you nodded blanklessly - they all [excluding daniel] were happy to your replyment - so skipping to lunch you met them at the nurse's room as you had the first aid kit out - jisung dASHED TOWARDS THE BED FIRST and sat down cutely as he pointed to the bruised arm he had - none stop helping, cream, tissue, bandage, and some rubbing alcohol here and there and the little ones screamed of the burn due to the pain - you noticed how daniel had a blunt expression on his face as all he did was cross his arms and lean against the wall - after you were done with the 9820329 of them, the 10 of them thanked you and ran off as daniel stayed back - "why so grumpy?" you questioned as you backed away the first aid kid that was almost empty at this point - "nothing," he coldly replied - "oh really?" - "mmmmhm," - "is someone jealous their not the only one who got special treatment????" - "n O," - "admit it daniel you're jealous," you teased as you took a step closer - "am not," he snapped back as he took a step closer - "sure you're not," you teased

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Sequel

#daniel imagines #daniel scenarios #daniel #kang daniel #wanna one #wannaone #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #produce 101 #produce 101 season 2 #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 daniel #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #drabble #wannaone daniel

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han-jumins · 7 years

Note

Hey! I loved your Drunk RFA headcanon so maybe I can ask a similar headcanon? How about RFA + Saeran had a fight with MC and she break up with them. And one day they are so sad and drink a LOT and call her in the phone apologizing and ask her to come back? Sorry if this is confusing, my english isn't so good. Thank u

Aw thank you for liking my work!! also your english is fantastic don’t worry ^^

RFA + Saeran Breakup

YOOSUNG

“You know what Yoosung I’m fed up with you comparing me to Rika all the time, it hurts you know, do you even know that?! You probably don’t care. I love you.. but I guess you only need Rika. Y-you know what I’m done, we’re over”

The words echo through Yoosung’s mind as he chugs another beer down

He loves her, he hell is sure of it but he made a grave mistake

He knows she loathed being compared to Rika but he still is a fool to keep doing it

Yoosung remembers all the times she made him happy, all the times they laughed, cooked together, held hands, held her waist as she sits on his lap while he plays LOLOL

He misses it all

Wet tears burned his eyes and he didn’t even try to stop them, he was too tired

He felt his phone around his pocket and absentmindedly called MC, wanting to hear her voice, wanting to feel her presence even if it was just her voice

“Hello?”

“Oh God you picked up, I’m- I’m so sorry MC! I love you I really do, I was stupid I was so so stupid MC I need you. I need you, my princess please MC I love you”

“Yoosung are you drunk right now”

Her voice made him smile but the reality of what he’s doing right now made him feel embarassed

“I’m sorry…”

MC sighed

“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings yoosung, tell you what get yourself sobered, come over here and let’s have a talk, I-I miss you”

“Y-yes! yes MC i’ll do just that! I’ll do everything just to have you in my arms again, I love you so much”

ZEN

Zen did it, he knows the weight of the situation and he blew it, god was he really this stupid?

“Zen I know you have a career to take care of and you know I support you but can’t you atleast give me some of your time! You barely even look at me nowadays and you’ve been smoking and drinking nonstop. Take care of yourself!”

“Look MC I’m tired, can’t you just sleep already”

“No! Zen I love you, if you keep being like this to me and to yourself you’ll break us apart”

“I’m the one breaking us apart? You’re the one here being all clingy and shit. If you truly do support me then do me a favor and just not talk to me for a while”

“And for how long? a day? a month? Why don’t we just call this off. You don’t even care about me”

Zen punched the wall as he felt something red and dripping running along his knuckles

He couldn’t even feel it, he was just so numb

How could he treat his girl this way??

How could he be such an awful man to her when all she ever done was support him and give him all the love she can give to anyone

He was a person of mistakes, an ugly, horrible person and he knows it, his parents know it

Situations like this makes him remember the way she complimets him and cheers him on, telling him that he’s the most beautiful guy in the world, both in and out

God did he miss her

It wasn’t a surprise that by the next minute he’s ringing her

“Zen look I don’t really feel like talki-”

“Please MC hear me out..”

“I love you okay? I love you so godamn much and I know what I did was wrong. I know you only wanted the best for me and I know my career has been taking its toll on you. You’ve made that sacrifice for me from the beginning and I was stupid to take it for granted! I-I’m so stupid MC….. I promise I will be the best for you, i promise to give you the attention you deserve. I’ll even quit my career for you! I can work it out with my director, I’ll tell them that it’s time for me to stop and-”

“NO” MC shouted through the phone

“Zen you don’t have to, acting is your life. Let’s talk this out in person and when you’re sober okay?”

“How do you know i’m drunk?”

“I know my love enough, let’s meet tomorrow”

“Yes please”

JAEHEE

“Are you kidding me? are you actually kidding me right now Jaehee? You’re disgusting! I never would beliieve you’d do something like this. i thought you were different!”

Jahee also honestly couldnt believe she would do such a thing

She had just cheated on MC.

A coworker of hers, her lips locked around her own and MC stepped right straight into the scene

she tried to cover it up but it was too late, she had been caught

“MC I-”

“Save it Jaehee, we’re over”

God what have I done

Jaehee felt so disgusted with herself, so mad that she submitted a full resignation

Even Jumin was surprised and disappointed of her actions

Jaehee then decided to drink, trying to reminisce the last remaining laughter she and MC sharing, sobbing really really loudly

She then decided to call MC, wanting her back even though she knows the answer

She atleast need to her an apology, Mc deserved an apology and she deserved someone better for her

“Jaehee?”

“MC I’m so sorry. I’m so disgusting and you were right. I love you so much and I just need you back MC”

“Jaehee you know what you’ve done”

“I know and ugh im stupid to even ask for you to be mine again but I tried didnt I? You always told me to try. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, you deserved an apology”

“Yes and I forgive you, just know that I can’t anymore, not after what you did”

“I understand…. I hope you find someone who will treat you right, MC. Just know that i will always love you”

Goodbye

JUMIN

Jumin was currently at the restaurant MC was working at

A wine bottle or five strewn across his table

But MC didn’t see him, she was quite far to be honest

And Jumin requested that he be seated the farthest where he can only observe

“Ugh MC why are you this clumsy? You ruined a deal with my business partner”

“I’m so sorry Jumin I was only trying to help”

“Help? By spilling coffee all over my suit? Outrageous!”

“I’m so sorry”

“Why am I with someone who turns me into a fool infront of work”

“Jumin I am so so sorry”

“Sorry won’t cut it, I need to be alone”

MC had only been giving Jumin his coffee when she accidentally spilled it on him, landing him a decline in his proposal

He was enraged but not as much as MC left the next day, leaving his penhouse dark and empty, MC had taken all of her belongings with her

Something in Jumin broke as he began to shout at himself that echoes throughout his home, or what used to be. MC was his home

He was feeling lonely yet numb at the same time, he was feeling a whirl of bad emotions as he observes MC laughing with a male co-worker of hers

mine

He brought out his phone as he shamelessly dialed MC’s number

“Hello?”

Jumin’s word caught in his throat as he found it completely foolish to be scolding her at this time

His hard gaze turned sad as he felt his tears against his cheeks

“I’m sorry”

“Jumin..”

Their eyes locked and MC gasped at the sight before her

“What are you doing here? How much did you drink”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m sorry”

“Your intentions were pure, instead, I took it harshly and I have never felt so much hatred for myself. You are my light MC and without you I am nothing. Without you I am just this emotionless shell of a corporate heir. You brought out these feelings in me and I have never treasured anyone as I have treasured you. You are my home, you are my family and I will forever hold this in my guilt. I love you”

“Jumin I’m sorry too”

“Now if you would be willing to come in my arms again you would make me the happiest man”

“Of course”

MC ran straight at him and gave him the tightest hug

“I am still correct though. You do turn me into a fool”

“Hm?”

“A fool in love with you”

SEVEN

Seven couldn’t concentrate, he couldn’t at all

Why would he, when he had just cheated on his most precious girl

But he was under a powerful drug

His agency thought it would be a good punishment to have him aroused towards a different girl for making a mistake in his work

But he felt so so guilty. It made him hate himself more

So when MC found out, she left and he couldn’t utter the words he wanted to say

He wanted to say he loves her and that it was a mistake. A horrible horrible mistake

And that it wasn’t his fault, he wanted to tell her that he was sorry but he couldn’t

No words came out of his mouth, only silent pleas to stay that never really caught MC’s ears

Maybe at that time he was thinking of how much he didn’t deserve MC and that it was a good opportunity for her to leave him. To be free so that she wouldn’t experience the pain of being with him

But Seven regrets it

He regrets it all

He needed MC back. She was the one who brought him life, happiness. She was all he needed and he let her slip away from his fingers

He felt his growing stupidity as he clutched at his chest, trying to make the pain go away as he watched a CCTV footage of MC at her home.

He had installed a camera in her living room for safety purposes and he didn’t want to barge in her privacy but he needed her. He needed to see that she was safe. He needed to see an evidence of her existing

With shaky hands, Saeyoung reached for his phone and called MC

Seeing MC grab hers, his heart was already at his throat

And when she answered the call, the first thing she heard were professions of love

“MC I love you I love you I love you I love you”

“I… don’t know Saeyoung, after what you’ve done I don’t think I can believe that anymore”

He can see her shivering as she silently cried

“No no you don’t understand it was because of the agency! I was forced! please hear me out I… i don’t want to lose you. I will fight. I will fight for your love and I will do whatever it takes for you to come back to me please I love you too much. My heart is just about to burst from all this love so please.. please hear me out”

“Only just about?”

“Huh?”

“Your heart is only just about to burst? Mine already did for you”

MC chuckled

She fricking chuckled

Saeyoung could feel tears or relief as he felt his chest unclogging

“I’ll head over straight there and we’ll talk okay?”

“I’ll be waiting, Saeyoung”

He kissed his computer with her footage as he readied his car

SAERAN

Saeran had said some hurtful things

Very hurtful things

He was so mad, so so mad at himself

MC, the girl who’s always by his side, the girl who was willing to go through his recovery now left him

He felt so broken and was shaking

Saeyoung was trying to calm him down but he couldn’t, not when he just felt the light being sucked out of his life

And his comforting didn’t feel like MC’s, not at all

Hers was gentle and delicate and her scent was intoxicating, enough to put him into a calm oblivion

But she’s not here anymore, there was no one to calm him through the rage of his night terrors, no one to hold him close as she whispers soothing words into his ear

No body to grasp unto when he couldn’t breathe and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing

Her hugs were the best, so kind, so comforting, so loving

But she’s gone

“I messed up Saeyoung, I messed up this one thing that keeps me going”

“Call her, go to her. I can’t stand seeing you like this”

“She wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, I messed up I messed up”

Saeran was now rocking back and forth as he hugs his body closer

Feel her warmth, feel her warmth

“Yes hello MC, yes he’s here. Alright I’ll give the phone to him”

Saeran’s eyes snapped to his brother as he gave him the hardest look he could muster.

But he still took the phone anyways

“I’ll be right there Saeran wait for me! I’ll be there”

He heard MC panting and he was dumbfounded

She’ll come back? Doesn’t she hate him?

“MC… I love you”

“I love you too… so so much. Wait for me a little longer okay?”

The twins heard the door open as they found MC on her phone, still panting

She went straight into Saeran’s arms as she stroked his hair and kissed his forehead

“I’m so sorry MC”

“I”m sorry too Saeran

“Don’t ever leave me”

“I’ll always be with you”

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ispyamoose · 7 years

Text

I was labeled the “psycho ex-girlfriend” by two different guys. Here’s my side.

For the sake of transparency, names used will be altered.

I dated Guy #1 on and off from 2005 to 2007. We’ll call him Andrew. We’d been friends since 2000 because we were in band together. Middle school brought us together as friends and then high school we still hung out regularly. My teen years were hell and he was a great friend through all of it, though very detached as a person. I was sexually assaulted by two different people, when I was 12 and then at 14. I’d had a thing for Andrew on and off for probably about 3 years before we actually started dating. I was honest about it and he was not comfortable with the idea of dating anyone. For the longest time he was very uncomfortable with sexuality in any way. I respected his wishes and we remained friends, since we still had a ton in common.

At some point he matured more and either became more knowledgeable or just grew up. He asked me out in August 2005 and I was thrilled. We were together for a few months but he broke it off. He thought we were too different romantically and had baggage he didn’t feel I should deal with. A couple months later, beginning of 2006, he asked me back, he felt that things were unfinished, and so did I. Things were going really well, but I developed feelings for someone else and so this time I broke it off. It wasn’t fair to him at all and I’m not a cheater. This was April 2006.

Fast forward 8 months, to the end of 2006. We were very close again, and we spent a great New Year’s Eve together. We hooked up (minus sex) and we talked nonstop when I went back to college. Spring break in 2007 I was back home, and we started dating again. I took his virginity and we were together. He couldn’t take the distance though, despite being a detached person who enjoyed his personal space. So he broke it off.

I came home from school in May 2007 and we hooked up, this time with a LOT of sex. We were back together for maybe 3 months and finally, in the beginning of August 2007, we were done for good. We talked here and there, hung out once or twice, but we were better not together. I had body image issues and major self-esteem issues, and I’m sure I projected that onto him. He felt it was his duty to make me feel good about myself, but I never wanted that to be his responsibility. It was my job, but I had a terrible home environment so I had very few supportive people in my life to surround myself with. Nevertheless, I’m sure it became a burden for him.

Now we’re in 2008, and I’d had some heavy shit happen. I was dating a guy since the end of August 2007, and he happens to be Guy #2. We’ll call him Ernest. Through the end of 2007 and into 2008, things got really bad at home. It became a toxic, abusive environment and I wanted to be out of there as much as possible. I spent nearly all my time with Ernest.

Despite using condoms and birth control, I became pregnant twice in 2008, and miscarried twice. The first one was because my stepmom pushed me. The second was because someone fell on me at a concert. My relationship became really controlling and abusive. Ernest would verbally abuse me, threaten to kill himself when I wanted to spend time with other people, and micromanage my every move. He never hit me, but anytime I tried to leave because he was scaring me or I felt my “fight or flight” instinct kick in, he would grab me by the wrist tightly and keep me there. He’d guilt trip me into keeping me there, saying I didn’t love him, that I was going to leave him. He was always paranoid that I was going to leave him. He hated the time I spent with friends without him and would threaten to hurt himself unless he could come or I could come see him.

Throughout all this, I was still friends with Andrew, and Ernest knew it and was okay with it because we rarely hung out. Andrew and I still confided in each other, and I thought he could still be a confidant. So I told him about all the abuse at home and in my relationship, told him about my miscarriages, and I also had one of the men who sexually assaulted me following me around and threatening me, because he worked up the street from my father’s house and knew where I lived. So I told Andrew about these things, and he was very encouraging and kind. I know it may have been weird to discuss these things with an ex, but it was a mutual separation and we’d been friends for 8 years by that point. He’d discussed his home life and personal issues as well, that it didn’t matter at all. Or so I thought.

One day in June 2008, I Googled my AIM screen name because I was looking for my old AOL Hometown page from like 2001, because I had pictures on there I wanted and I was hoping it still existed. Instead, I found a website titled, “Rachel, or as I prefer to call it, ‘Conversations With A Psycho Ex-Girlfriend’”. On this website is pages, FOLDERS of these private conversations we had. My AIM screen name was readily available and my identity was revealed to mutual friends we had, that I still associated with. These conversations detailed the abuse I was dealing with between my home life and relationship, miscarriages, and other deeply personal information. In between these lines of IM conversation, he narrated bits of information about how I lied about everything, and how I was so overly dramatic. He cut down every line of text I had written, and made me out to be a pathological liar. By the time I found it and called him requesting he take it down, it had apparently been up for months and he just kept adding to it. He took it down and sent me the archive, laughing and sneering the entire time. I removed him from all social media and cut him off completely.

Now back to Ernest. I was smack dab in the middle of an abusive relationship and I had no idea. All I knew at the time was I was growing more and more depressed and felt trapped in my situation. I loved him and didn’t want to make him upset. I was so blind to the abuse at the time, but I had friends questioning the fact that I was spending every minute with him and ditching them for him, though they didn’t know why. I was back to self-harm and tried to take my own life but nobody knew. He experienced my self-harm but he didn’t know I tried killing myself. The relationship had gotten that bad and I knew if I’d let on he would be triggered. When he saw I was self-harming, he was self-harming too out of “guilt”. I saw what was happening to myself and put myself in check. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to keep hurting.

I was out of school at this point, he made me come back home to Jersey from New Hampshire where I’d been going to school in the middle of the spring semester in 2008. So I left that school and enrolled in a state school. I began again September 2008, and our relationship was finally much better. My mental health was in check, his was as well because he was back in school also, and there was distance but not much since I was only an hour away. He was still micro-managing me, however. He demanded all of my time, even if I was in class and he was as well. But he finally wasn’t self-harming or threatening suicide.

Then, for Halloween weekend, my best friend drove to visit me at school. She came of her own accord, made all the plans, was paying for everything for me since I was broke, and was driving herself down. Ernest wanted to come too, but my best friend messaged him explaining it was going to be a girls’ weekend. She hadn’t seen me since I left for school, whereas he’d seen me a few weeks prior when he was visiting potential colleges. He was pissed at first because he was insisting on riding with her, but then his parents wouldn’t let him go. Then he backed up from the situation and agreed he was being unreasonable, and things were fine. Then, however, on Halloween itself, he broke up with me. Ernest said that Toni was controlling me and my every decision and it was interfering with our relationship. He turned around and made me out to be psychotic.

Did I have issues? Yes, absolutely. But I got help, put myself in check, and learned from my relationship with Andrew to not project that onto him. It was not his job to fix me. Not to mention Ernest caused most of the issues I was having! I was so happy to be rid of him. I did so much better after that.

#relationships #abuse #psycho #rant #dating

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lostherlemons · 7 years

Text

BIG gay post about how my girlfriend i came to be: laura version

i wanna make my own post like that but i don’t know if i could properly convey everything because oftentimes words can’t really do my experience justice. but like. that made me relive everything from my point of you and i can very tangibly feel affection and happiness bubbling up within the depths of my stomach and i gotta spill it out. i just gotta.

for those of you that didn’t know me beforehand bc you followed me from robin or just generally followed me sometime in the last half year or so, my relationship before robin was very very bad. the entire thing was kind of a giant guilt trip where i got emotionally manipulated for months until I succumbed to dating the guy (and being sexual with him when i Was Not Ready) and it was often miserable- but due to the toxic nature of the situation and my inability to assert myself in a way that he could take seriously, the relationship lasted for a pretty long time and took me a good 7 months to finally break up with him. I’ll leave it at that because it’s not the focus and explaining it isn’t a fun experience.

I’m hesitant to start the story like this because it seems so negative but like. It’s important for the context because the aftermath of what he put me through lasted a long time. we broke up probably exactly a year ago but i was reeling and recovering for a very long time and it made me very bitter towards romance in general and very much a skeptic (which robin turned right back around). but anyway. now for the happy part!

robin and i met, as they said, on their 18th birthday at a lgbt ice cream social. my very first distinct memory is of robin being part of the group i was talking to at the time and in a very cute moment, got me to guess what age they were. i guessed 20+ and was wrong and robin was very pleased that they came off so mature to me. we generally stuck together after that through the event (after sharing Tumblrs and such), which i didn’t think much of at the time because I was in the prior relationship still and i was just having a good time with my friends!! eventually we decided to ditch the place and hang out at friends apartment but robin was very new to the Bellingham scene and wasn’t sure about taking the bus and stuff and got left behind. I felt very bad because I was driving everyone and could have easily transported robin without the bus and such. I agonized over it for a long time!! It was very silly of me but I spent a lot of time wishing we could have hung out more than just that night.

We of course had a long period of just being Silently Supportive mutuals and never got to hang out. I remember them staying in school over the summer and wanting VERY BADLY to hang out but not being sure how to go about it because I’m awkward and didn’t know Rob that well. Over the summer we ended up interacting, and low-key commenting and stuff, and it was good. At a certain point I remember thinking Robin was cute. Immediately after this realization I kinda figured out I was in for a shitshow in crush town.

I spent most of September with a big huge growing crush. Every time robin even POSTED a selfie I got so excited! They were so cute!!! At a certain point I was aware of my crush and COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Every time robin even liked my post I would gush about it nonstop to @funkadacious and you can ask him because I would never shut up and stop sending him their cute selfies. Somewhere in the midst of all this, in an interaction during robin’s fai blogging, i reassured them that they were pretty and robin IMMEDIATELY AND SHOCKINGLY admitted they thought i was hot upon first meeting me and i lost my shit, died, and descended unto gay heaven all while continuing to flirt back and forth for a bit.

I could not believe it. ROBIN. THE ONE I COULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT. THOUGHT I WAS HOT AND WAS FLIRTING WITH ME. WHAT. AM I DREAMING. WHAT IS HAPPENING. you can imagine.

when school started in late september, i posted a few VERY INTENTIONALLY FLATTERING AND CUTE SELFIES, literally only so that i could passively grab more attention from robin. who reblogged them and made me feel very nice.

now, when my year-long depressive episode got to a bad spot in october, robin surprised me by offering to hang out because I probably needed someone to talk to. I of course said yes (all while gushing to nick, casey, all my classmates in theatre class, and literally any coworker that would listen including my poor boss who still hears this all the time) and spent the next few days in a giddy excitement until meeting robin for coffee after my theatre class.

i was dizzy upon seeing them sitting at that last table in the cafe. this was real and robin was there, VERY CUTE and in person for the first time in over a year, and they were waiting for me. ME. WHAT. i got a coffee and a pastry to share and sat down.

We talked for hours and hours and hours. About art, school, growing up, mental health, everything. I remembered how robin talked fast when they were excited and thought it was adorable. Eventually the sun started to set and it reflected in their eyes and I literally had to pause the conversation to admit I could not stop staring at how beautiful they were. Eventually my mom called me and i didn’t have the nerve to tell her I was getting coffee with my crush but eventually she hung up and soon after the dreaded question popped up.

“So. Im kinda wondering. Is this a… uh.. a date? Or like a friend thing? Or both..? I’m just curious, anything is fine.”

“Oh! UH. IT… CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE…..”

“Okay! It’s a date then.”

Cue me dying. At the end of said date, robin asked if a hug was ok (right after I made the best pun of my life about kissing) and it was VERY okay and I clung for dear life and it was wonderful.

The weekend after this, I was traveling internationally during what was hyped up to be a VERY BIG STORM to get up to canada for @limes-and-kiwis birthday. I was told by many Not to go, but I’m a stubborn fuck. Robin texted me and was VERY FLIRTATIOUS when I was on my way up saying I had to stay safe! For our second date!! And this text made me so excited I literally had to stop by my work on my way up and show the text to my manager and I was dead!!!!

i of course made it safely and had a wonderful time with casey. Me, being gay, at one point had to go through robin’s selfie tag to show Casey, and I passed her my phone. Immediately after i had the realization that my best friend was an untrustworthy wingman and I was a dead man. I of course get my phone back with EVERY SELFIE OF ROBINS FOR THE LAST YEAR, LIKED, and of course casey is extremely proud of herself and smug as all hell. Me, being mortified, of course had to send a very embarrassing “IT WASN’T ME STALKING THROUGH YOUR PHOTOS I CAN EXPLAIN” message to robin over snapchat, which opened a new can of worms and was a cue for MUCH MUCH MORE FLIRTING.

we of course went on a second date after I got back, and also ran into eachother at the grocery store a few days later which I gave robin a ride home from and got a kiss on the cheek. I was grinning for hours afterwards and my boss made fun of me.

eventually at the party with robin’s friends, I flirted A LOT and we were very affectionate and at one point a friend said we very very cute and asked how long we had been dating. We looked at eachother and I was like “ok so this is official? We’re gfs?? Yeah?” And robin agreed and we were OFFICIAL. GFS. THE ONES YOU KNOW AND LOVE. and the rest of the night was very very good and cuddly and I was the happiest I had been in a while.

the relationship really only got better and better from there. Robin is SO supportive and so loving and smart and I adore them so so much. They make me feel safe and appreciated and I can only hope I do the same. Robin touched on A Lot in their post and described things better than I ever could but like. It’s true. Everything is just… better.

robin’s February Thing was also accompanied by Laura’s February Thing, and so we both had very bad brains at the time and being silly, had a hard time reaching out. But the next day when I found out what was going on, I had a moment of clarity. Sure I was terrified of reaching out, and being rejected, or having a fight, but I realized I couldn’t risk losing what I have with robin. It’s grown to be everything to me and i knew I had to see them no matter what and I did and it was so healing and good and I’ll never regret just marching across campus to their dorm.

but anyway. This got long. Basically I’m very much in love and will never shut up about it. @flovvright is the light of my life and every moment I spend with robin is perfect. Because we fit so perfectly together and it’s just… It’s good. It’s real good. I never thought I’d be at this point and it constantly amazes me. I don’t know what else to say but rest assured there’s a lot left unsaid and I just want my girlfriend to know how much they mean the absolute world to me and how they just consistently make my life a better life no matter how hard things get.

#pda /#long post /#anyway tl;dr i love my gf a lot #laura life 2kwhenever

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marktuanlogy-blog · 7 years

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RECAP OF GOT7 FANMEET 1/29/2017

RECAP OF GOT7 FANMEET/CONCERT Sorry I'm still a bit hyped and excuse my language OMG HOW DO I EVEN START ON THIS SMH. GOT7 WAS SO FREAKING PERFECT UP ON STAGE ;-; WE CHEERED AND SCREAMED FOR EVERY THING THEY SAID CUS WHY NOT ... RETURN MY SOUL, LIFE, AND VOICE NOW .-. i recorded the entire 2hour thing with one arm smh give me my arm back too got7 First of all, we went to go get our merch (poster, jacket, shirt, and light stick) and got to our seats and all... and then we were just waiting for GOT7. Mark's family came exactly 16 minutes before the fanmeet started and we all went wild for a good 3 minutes. So I just went crazy on my Snapchat story and uh spammed it :O THEN it was 7pm and HARD CARRY started playing and we all were just screaming got7 got7 got7 got7 got7 GOT7 CAME OUT LIKE WTFWTFWT I WAS NOT READY i screamed so much with this girl next to me haha she's a jackson bias <3 IT GOT LIT AF. So they sang Let Me I SWEAR THEIR VOCALS ARE BETTER IN REAL LIFE OMG MY EARS GOT BLESSED MARKS RAPPING WAS SO FREAKING PURIFYING OHHHHHHHHHH YOUNGJAES VOCAL BLESSED MY LIFE LIKE WTF MAN They were sitting in the chairs from left to right: Jackson, Jinyoung, Mark, Jaebum, Youngjae, Bambam, and then Yugyeom. THEN THEY SANG Prove It I SWEAR JAEBUMMIES VOICE IS SO SEXYYY AND CHICCCCC X1000000 I LOVE BAMBAMS RAPS IN THIS SONG IDK WHY I JUST DO OK. AND MARKS OMG THOSE DEEP VOICES ARE JUST SE(ductive)XY AF. (NEW FAVORITE SONG IN TURBULENCE) hey all did self introductions (ALL IN ENGRISH YUS IM SO PROUD) and all seemed pretty shy at first OMG HOW COULD U BE SO CUTEEEEE Bambam (ATTEMPTED TO) get us lit but then it got awkward af. Like he told us to say Got7 everytime he says Ay and the third time he didnt even realize we said GOT7 and he just kept looking at us like SMH BOI SMH. idk their host was annoying af BUT I MEAN HE WAS THE ONE THAT ENCOURAGED THE SEXY DANCE FROM THE MEMBERS SO NO COMPLAINTS THERE. Q&A started .... Jackson's Question: What's your ideal type? Yugyeom: Sexy cutie IGOT7 (I swear I heard someone from the back saying ILL BE SEXY AND CUTIE FOR YOU YUGYEOM) it was super cute when the host was like raise your hand if your a sexy cutie IGOT7 :3 WE ALL RAISED OUR HANDS haha and yugyeom was like "so many heh *nervous laugh*" Bambam: a girl who is cute, but when you get to know her, she's sexy. I'd like a girl with a sexy side. BOI U NEED A GIRL TO DAB WITH U EVERY MORNING. Youngjae: ummm.. ummmm...... OKAY YOU *points to girl* *breaks everyone else's hearts in the crowd* "BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AHGASE" *HYPES UP CROWD MORE SCREAMING* -everyone else starts saying IGOT7/Ahgases- *Bambam trying to calm us down lmao no it didn't work because Youngjae basically just told us he loves us all* Jaebum: I don't really have an ideal type... (he was nervous af) Host: So you like all AHGASES? Jaebum: yeahhhh.... Host: YEAHHHHH... * I THINK I ACCIDENTALLY STOPPED RECORDING HERE OOPS * MARK: (MINDY IS MY IDEAL TYPE) YOU... I love all AHGASES (boi) Jinyoung: I love IGOT7s <3 Jackson: I love everyone, I love you, I love IGOT7 (love me jackson) Next question: Can the members do a sexy dance? Jackson: Yugyeom Yugyeom you first <3 Yugyeom does sexy dance to Prove It (inappropriate content pm me for those details :3) i will never think of that song the same way again. nope nope nope yugyeomie yah. Mark turns around like no i aint seeing this shit again (even though ur hyung man) Jackson looks down at Yugyeom doing his uh-sexy dance- and is very proud of his work. After Yugyeom was done with the sexy dance Jaebum reached out his hand and took it back and made Yugyeom fall again (savageee) but yes, he did help him up afterwards Yugyeoms face was like why am i even living rn Question: What inspires you in writing a song? Jaebum's: Experience and imagination (DEEP) Host: OH AND JAEBUM READS A LOT (JAEBUMBUMBUMBUM) and watches lots of movies... what kind of movies? -Jaebum's face: wtf is he saying...- Jaebum gets translation: La la land (what is that...) -sings a song from that movie SEXY AF VOICE- Question: What do you like the most of the MV music? Youngjae: i like the small parts and the really strong beat and you can bounce around to the music Question: You (meaning Bambam) and Yugyeom.. can you dance to (???some lit af american music which i clearly dont know of since i got into kpop but it was lit i mean yehhhhh...) music Bambam: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASYYYYYYYYYYY *Insert note: YUGYEOM IS SUCH A CUTE BABY OMG I WANNA ADOPT HIM* Question: If you were an American artist who would you be? Yugyeom: *asks crowd* Yugyeom: Kendrick Lamar? someone from crowd: DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP Bambam: oh? what are u guys saying *laughs* Bambam getting ready for a dab like its his routine DABDAB dabs* crowd goes wild* DABDAB IS VERY PROUD OF SELF* MOMMA JINYOUNG SHAKES HEAD* bambam ur ded. BOOM BOOM BOOM (BOOMX3) PLAYS* G7 TURN UP <33333333333 *me singing to the song but rly i probably pronounced everything WRONG BUT NO REGRETS) HIP THRUST DURING BOOM BOOM BOOM PART YUGYEOM AND BAMBAM CALM DOWNNNNNN When bambam sang "turn all the lights on" MARK LOOKED AT HIM AND NODDED AND WINKED WTF YO I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW GOOD THEIR VOICES ARE IT JUST SOUNDS SO GOOD LIKE UGHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHH PARK JINYOUNG IS LIKE A FREAKING PRINCE IN THAT BLACK JACKET WITH SILVER LINING AND RED UNDERSHIRT OMG HE IS A TRUE PRINCE HIS PERM IS JUST HUKUHKHUHKUH then... JUST RIGHT PLAYS CROWD GOES CRAYCRAY AGAIN *MINDY'S NONSTOP SHAKING YO* THIS ENTIRE SONG IS SO WARMING I LOVE THE WORLD NOW lol thats funny. YOUNGJAE SWITCHING UP THOSE VOCALS MADE US DRUNK AF BAMBAM IS BEING EXTRA AF LET ME TELL U WITH THOSE LONG LEGS HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS READY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (JACKSON). IN HIS RAPPING PART JACKSON WAS very inappropro lets make this less inappropro and just say he was like "SAY OHHHH YEAHHH.... SAY OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH... SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH. SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHH." BAMBAM: "SAY OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (voice cracks* smh boi) SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH (voice cracks again*) SAY OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHH (now imagine this in a deep deep voice) SAY OHHHHH YEAHHHHH (this was even deeper) ++++++++++++++++++++++++ GAMES ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Game #1: Guess the Song Game #2: Hacky Sack (each member from GOT7 plays with someone from the audience) Everyone chooses who they partner with MINDY WAS 2 NUMBERS AWAY FROM MARKS NUMBER SMH MARK MARK MARK IF YOU ONLY ADDED 2 TO THAT LAST DIGIT I WOULDVE GONE UP .-. you wouldve hugged meh <3 (that's for lataaa) mindy's heart breaks NO BUT I FEEL HAPPY FOR THOSE IGOT7 WHO WENT UP STAGE MAN NONE CRIED??? I WOULDVE FLIPPED HELL (sorry sab's natural habitat) GOT7'S COMPETITIVENESS IS CRAZY EVERY ONE WAS SCREAMING AND DYING AND KILLING EACHOTHER TO GET THE RIGHT ANSWER OMG But overall, Youngjae won the first round after guessing the most amount of songs correct <3 He even went on his knees for "Beggin' on My Knees" *lowkey feels like Jinyoung, Yugyeom, and Mark were pretty ignored... almost never got called on...* Game #2 begins and the people who were chosen gets up stage :D Every IGOT7 does their self introduction Yugyeom's partner: Amy, favorite GOT7 song is Fly Bambam's partner: Molly, 24 years old *PAUSE HERE FOR A SEC* Bambam: ohhh.... NOONA *continue* Bambam's partner: favorite GOT7 song is If You Do Youngjae's partner: Arianna Youngjae: Arianna, ah, yea, WOAWWWW Youngjae: How old are you? Arianna: Who's that Youngjae: I asked how old are you. Who I am? I'm Youngjae HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH Youngjae: What's your favorite song? Arianna: Who's That Youngjae: You don't like Home Run? Jaebum's partner: C(K?)at Jaebum: Cat? Oh wow oh oh uhhhhh okay What's your favorite song? Cat: Just Tonight Mark's partner: (mindy ;-; jk) Serena, favorite song is Fly Jinyoung's partner: Vivian, favorite song is Mayday Jackson: Sussy, from China, favorite GOT7 song is IDK because she doesn't understand engrish. and her favorite member is Jinyoung (BETRAYALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL) Jackson: Can you be more confident? *HUGS* (i need a man like jackson ;-;) JACKSON SAYS HIS PARTNER IS PRO AND WEARS HER COAT SO SHE CAN KICK THE THINGY JACKSON YOOOO GIRL WANNA TRADE (wait but mark) Scores for the second game: Youngjae team: 5 Jaebum team: *Jaebum trying to be calm but almost trips smh* 3 Bambam team: *STARTS MAKING SHIPS OF HIM AND HIS PARTNER* "Holly, Bambam... Hollybam.... Bamlly. Bamlly you go first" 4 Jinyoung team: *JINYOUNG IS SUPER GOOD AT THIS* 15 (Jinyoung made like 12 im so proud of this mother) MARK TEAM: (mark im so proud) gets 16 ---- PRAISES THE KICKY THINGY hugs the girl up in the air .... mindy is reminded that her last digit was only 2 numbers away sad face XD Yugyeom team: *hits his partner and she fake dies lol* 8 Jackson team: "She's pro" *CONFIDENT HES GONNA WIN* *TAKES OFF HER JACKET AND HOLDS IT FOR HER* *AFTER HIS PARTNER IS DONE PUTS JACKET BACK ON HER* 5 WINNER IS TEAM MARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK the girl gets marks jacket LUCKYYYYYYYYY WE GOT TO SEE THE "SECRET" BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE MAKING OF HARD CARRY'S MV THEY ARE SO SEXY IN THEM. THEY START PERFORMING FLY JB IS BACK TO HIS EXTRA SELF AND THIS TIME ALSO BRINGS IN YUGYEOM SMH. MARKS RAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP HOW CAN MY HEART TAKE THIS LOL NO I DIDNT I DIED. JINYOUNG'S VOICE IS SO SOFT WTF MANNN even mark screaming at the end was sexy af everything got7 does is sexy af SMIRK FACE INSERTED NEXT THEY PERFORMED IF YOU DO THEIR PERFORMANCES ARE SO GOOD I FEEL LIKE IM REPEATING SO MUCH BUT ITS RLY RLY AMAZING IM SO PROUD OF THEM GAWD GOT7 IS SO AMOOZHING GOT7 say their thank yous and YUGYEOM WIPES HIS SWEAT uughgghhghghg and its sexy af THEY SAID THEY WILL COME BACK JINYOUNG SAID THEY WILL COME BACK THIS YEAR. JINYOUNG SAYS KCON JINYOUNG SAYS SO. *MINDY STARTS SAVING NEW YEARS MONEY THEY START PERFORMING HARD CARRY HARD CARRY HEH WOH HARD CARRY HEH *no jackson did not lift up his shirt like i expected* Jaebum wraps HIMSELF IN A HOODIE AND IT LOOKS SO DARK BUT SO CUTEEEEEE THEN THEY PERFORMED HOME RUN ONE OF MY FAVS <3 JINYOUNG AND HIS SASS OMG JINYOUNGGGGGGGGG BAMBAM TAKES SOMEONES PHONE AND RECORDS HIMSELF BAMBAM KNOWS HOW TO KILL FANS. BEWARE OF THE BAMBAM.. SO DOES JINYOUNG. BEWARE OF BOTH JINYOUNG AND BAMBAM. THEY SAID THEIR GOODBYES AND LEFT </3 -------------------------------------- overall this fanmeeting was a very very very amazing experience and I got to see GOT7 in real life, not through the screen bUT IN REAL LIFE ive been crying since 11 smh i need help it's so surreal I can't even believe it's already over like. HUKKKK. Got7 is probably at Mark's house right now and Mark finally gets to reunite with his parents that he hasn't seen since summer. got7 is probably resting up for their next comeback

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sixthousandninehundredmiles · 6 years

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November 25, 2017

So my day started off with a group meeting with Iris, and oh god that was… not fun at all unfortunately. I also woke up late HAHA I was supposed to meet her at 10 but I woke up at 10.. but to be fair she was also late so it wasn’t that bad. She ended up waiting for me for like 10 minutes. Then we created our Instagram powerpoint which took about 2.5 hours. Way longer than it should have, but it’s okay at least that’s one more assignment out of the way.

After my meeting with iris, I called Katie and I ended up waking her up HAHA and I was like lets go get food, get ready. So I met with her at 2, and we headed off to go get hot pot. Also really funny and random but she used this whitening cream that she got from her secret Santa because she had been complaining about how tan she’s gotten, but idk what she did but she had this white cast over her face so she definitely looked paler but LOL HER FACE WAS ALSO A DIFFERENT COLOR THAN HER NECK AND CHEST AREA AHAHAHAHAH I remember laughing for legitly 5 minutes. But yay I was so excited to get hot pot hehe Problem was, the first hot pot placed we picked wasn’t going to be open until like 5 pm, and then we tried to find the next hot pot place and we ended up getting lost LOL. And while we were trying to find this second hot pot place, we stumbled across Cotton On that was having a huge Black Friday sale, 30% off everything in the store. So OBVIOUSLY we had to shop. So we ended up shopping in that one store for an hour LOL. I did find some nice stuff though, I found this giant olive hoodie jacket, and it’s sooo soft and big and just looks so comfy casual. I also found this plain black long sleeved crop top, and also a light blue hoodie that says “paris” on it. Pretty good deals, glad I got to do a little bit of Black Friday shopping HAHA

Then after that, we wandered around some more and we still couldn’t find the freaking place, so we asked one of the people working at a coffee shop, and they told us we were in the wrong building… lol… like we had to go outside, turn the corner, then go up the stairs. It’s technically the same building which is why the maps didn’t show up, but it was in a different section by itself that had a separate entrance. By this time, it was already 4 pm, and we were like shit should we still go, because we had plans to get kbbq for dinner at 8… yeah we still went. I don’t regret it though! It was good ^__ ^ also pretty cheap because we got that “afternoon tea” price, which was 167. During lunch though, omg we ended up talking about leaving each other, and it was one of the saddest moments haha. Because we were both talking, then we both picked up our drink cause we were gonna tear up, and we looked at each other and both of us started crying. Not like sobbing crying, but like tears just were nonstop rolling, but then we both started laughing because we were crying over hot pot, but then we were still crying, so it was a mixture of amusement and heartbroken ness. I don’t wanna leave these people. As much as I love home, I never felt like I had a solid place there with friends that I love so much – at least in college. These people are just all so so dear to me, and this environment that we are in of constant exploration and friendship and love is just something I don’t want to let go of. Haha yeah Im pretty sad writing about this right now. I have less than a month left, and I just don’t want it to be over. Some of these people I feel like if we were given the chance, I could be friends with them for life. It just breaks my heart thinking that I have to leave these people that I hold so dear.

ALRIGHT anyways, after lunch, we both headed back to campus, but as we were going back, Katie wanted to check out jackets because she didn’t buy any at cotton on, so we first headed to H&M, but they didn’t have much, and then I suggested we check out Uniqlo because they have a lot of jackets. Then I forgot who, but one of us jokingly suggested getting matching jackets as Chris and Vincent because they have a white and gray one, respectively from Uniqlo. So we went to go find it, and I actually found the jackets but I tried on this one navy blue one that I LOVED but Katie convinced me to get the gray one for the jokes and we were gonna meet the two of them later for dinner so I was like ok, but how do we get both of them to wear it. SO I texted chris “hey you and Vincent should both wear your Uniqlo jackets later because it’s going to be cold outside” and originally chris didn’t suspect much but when he told Vincent, Vincent was like instantly able to guess, IDK HOW but he guessed that we got matching ones and he said he wasn’t going to wear them. and I told chris that if he doesn’t wear it then im not going to talk to him for the rest of the night, I didn’t know if he was really going to wear it or not and he ended up not wearing it. And I was legitly annoyed LOL IDK WHY IT BUGGED ME TO DEATH that he didn’t actually wear it. Because Chris knew that we got matching ones when Vincent guessed, and he still wore it to match with Katie, so I was like butthurt that I didn’t get the same treatment.

But I did proceed to not talk to him for the rest of the night, which I did feel mildly bad for because he didn’t really talk to anyone when we were going along the MTR and just ended up putting in his earphones. Probably because usually I’m the one who makes conversations with him… it’s not like he tried to talk to me though so I was like whatever. LOL plus everyone else was being pretty talkative so it let me get away with it. I just talked to Josh for most of the night.

Korean bbq was alright, it was kinda weird, like all the meat was just laid out in the open, and we would go get it buffet style? Same with all the side dishes. A bit unsanitary in m opinion. I was not a fan of that haha. It was also kinda dumb because grill changes weren’t free? They weren’t expensive either but I just thought it was dumb that we had to pay per grill change… dinner was nice though, everyone there was probably my favorite people out of the entire group – Josh, Chris, Katie, and Vincent. So it’s always good vibes. Plus me and josh are always fucking around with each other so that’s always funny LOL

Then after dinner, we came back to dorms to grab our stuff so we could got to AC3 to study, and when I got back I changed into my green hoodie because I was still a bit salty HAHA I’m so petty sometimes, and then I also found out that I got my period so maybe that’s explaining a few things too. But we met with Chris and Vincent again downstairs, and this time Vincent changed into the jacket and I was pretty amused but I just turned and walked away so I was walking in the front but I was laughing the entire time because katie and chris were giving him ideas on how to apologize and also yelling after me “what more do you want this boy to do” but yeah I wasn’t mad anymore after that LOL

Then we just spent our time at AC3 until like 5 am again… but Josh also helped me design my powerpoint for my Consumer Behavior class and it looks soooo cool im so happy with it ^__^ Vincent also helped me figure out why my computer literally had no space left, and it was because I had two full iphone backups on there that was taking up like 20 gbs of space each. I legitly felt so ecstatic when he figured it out because my laptop had been lagging and constantly telling me I only had like 500 mbs of space left like wtffff

But yeah pretty eventful day haha

#goodday

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