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undecidedpersonality · 4 years

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Writer’s Month 2020 Day Seventeen: Cooking

Title: “The Melting Brain”

By: Nalijah Daniels

Word Count: 1132

Genre: Creative Nonfiction

I can’t cook. Some people that know me may argue that I wouldn’t know if I’m good at cooking because I’ve barely tried but I can feel it in my bones that I can’t cook. I’ve been more worried about this fact recently because the time is coming closer and closer that I will actually have to be responsible for feeding myself. No parents to make dinner for me. No dining halls to spend university meal plans on. Plus, it’s not acceptable to order food for every meal of the day. Or microwave every meal, at that. It’ll just be me and the kitchen in the apartment that I rent that expects me to use it’s stove and oven regularly. That’s very scary because I can’t cook.

––

I can’t do many things at once before I get super stressed. It gets worse when there's a time demand on any of the things being done. When I was a senior in high school, I was applying for colleges––which meant writing essays, applying for FAFSA, trying to find and apply for scholarships, and figuring out where the heck I actually wanted to go––while also doing homework for time demanding classes, trying to work more than eight hours a week, applying for a new job because I hated the one I was at, trying to maintain friendships and have fun, participating in school events, and taking care of my own health meantally and physically. All at one time. I ended up breaking down in front of my mom’s desk in the front office, half sobbing because I couldn’t take it anymore.

Would College Board and universities make applying to college this stressful if they knew or remembered what it was actually like? The ‘experts’ say you have to do everything to be your best self as well as be a well-rounded student to get into most schools but never tell you exactly how to manage your time to do it all without melting your brain. Crying in the office was my brain finally melting. I knew for sure that it was melting too because I know my body, I don’t react to stress by crying. I power through until the end or put all of my focus into one thing until I feel the weight slowly lift off my shoulders. Then I’m able to come back to everything else with a refreshed mind. The weight crushed me instead.

––

I’ve thought up plans on how I can prevent having to cook for myself. One, is to live with roommates who enjoy cooking while in my last years of college and the however-many year after college until I move in with a significant other. I can’t live by myself unless I hire a personal chef, and I don’t think I’ll have enough money for that. Emphasis on ‘enjoy’ in that statement though, because if they don’t feel that cooking is a hobby, they’ll eventually get peeved about having to feed someone their age everyday.

My second plan, which is really just part two to the plan above, is to marry a man who loves to cook. Emphasis on ‘loves’ in this statement because he will be cooking for me everyday for a lot longer than my college and post-college roommates will be. Eventually, he’ll also be cooking for our kids too so he can’t get tired of it often.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to be super selfish and expect them to only do things for me. In return, I’ll be buying the groceries (that we share) every week and doing the dishes after dinner is over. I’ll even throw in doing more chores than everyone else around the house if they need more convincing. I’m that desperate to not have to cook.

––

I’m a Virgo. It’s the excuse I use for a lot of the ways that I act, especially if it annoys someone. One of the most common traits of a Virgo, is perfectionism. For most, that means the result or outcome of something has to be 100 percent perfect. For me, perfectionism comes in the form of consistency. The easiest way to stay consistent is with rules. Rules keep standards up and expectations clear. Very few things can go wrong if you just do certain things over and over again. You won’t lose your favorite shirt in your closet if you put your clothes in the closet the same way every time. I’m not saying rule breaking doesn’t benefit you sometimes, but you can’t complain about why something went wrong when you literally didn’t do what you were supposed to.

––

Cooking involves doing many things at once, especially if you’re cooking a full meal. Not only do you have to worry about two pots and a pan at one time, you should also consider cleaning up a bit when you have time so the place isn’t disgusting when you’re done. Apparently, once you become an expert cook you’ll know exactly when you should start the rice and corn compared to your chicken’s cook time. Don’t ask them what time frame this is, they won’t have a precise answer for you. Once you are at this expert cook level, you’ll even feel comfortable enough to turn away from the stove completely to put your butter, salt, and pepper away and possibly even wash a mixing bowl you won’t need anymore. Then, you’ll get right back to cooking with the perfect amount of time left before needing to stir your rice so that it doesn’t stick to the pot and burn.

For now, you’ll just freak out and panic because you don’t know which cookware to focus on. If you choose this one, your meat will be charred on the bottom but if you choose that one, the water will disappear from your corn and a fire will start. So when your mom asks you to help her make a meal as a way to help you start cooking, you’ll try really hard. You’ll attempt to not ask for too much help because you want to really do even though you know the recipe is too difficult. Then, only thirty-five percent through the cooking process, you’ll give up because it feels like your brain is melting on the stove in front you, and you can’t go any longer.

By you I mean me.

––

Maybe cooking is a metaphor for life. Many things happen at once and you need to focus on them all unless things start to fall apart, crash and burn. One falls off-kilter and your entire world seems to fall out of place. Then you have to start over while everything else is still moving on. Refill the pot with water and set it on the stove to boil.

#writersmonth2020 #writer #new writers on tumblr #cooking #prompt fill #writing prompt #the melting brain #original writing #writeblr #catching up because i moved into college & haven't been able to post :D #creative nonfiction

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littlemisssquiggles · 5 years

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RWBY Musings #72: A Farm Boy and his Bot. What if…Oscar gains his very own robot companion for the Atlas Arc?

So lately, I’m beginning to adore the concept of Oscar eventually gaining some kind of magical or rather unusual companion inspired by another known character from the Wizard of Oz. In my last musing post, I mentioned Oscar assuming control of Salem’s winged Beringels so that he may control them as the RWBY-verse’s equivalent of the Golden Cap.

Now I’m here to present another Oz-inspired possibility. What if…while in Atlas, Oscar either builds and/or gains the friendship of an Atlesian robot and this character will draw reference from the Oz character: Jack Pumpkinhead.

Oscar’s Robot

For those of you who might not know:

According to Wikipedia, in the second Oz book, the Marvellous Land of Oz, Jack Pumpkinhead is an animated homunculus. Jack is described as being incredibly tall with a skinny figure made from tree limbs and jointed with wooden pegs. He has a large carved jack-o’-lantern for a head which is where his name is derived from. Although, unlike most jack-o-lanterns, the seeds and other pumpkin guts were not removed from Jack so it substitutes for his brain.

Jack was originally made by a little boy named Tip (the male persona of Princess Ozma before she ultimately regained her true form) to scare his guardian, an old witch named Mombi. When Mombi saw Jack, she nearly smashed him to pieces but instead, decided to test out her new Powder of Life on him. The powder worked and made Jack come to life.

Jack has been noted to not be known for his intelligence which varies depending on the quality and number of seeds in his pumpkin-head at the time. Despite this, Jack manages to come up with random bits of wisdom and common sense often. That is the character of Jack Pumpkinhead.

As we know, Oscar Pine is alluded to Princess Ozma. Since Ozma is the original creator and parent of Jack Pumpkinhead, what if…Oscar will build his own Pumpkinhead in reference to how Tip made Jack Pumpkinhead or…perhaps Pumpkinhead is an Atlas Academy practice droid designed by Atlas for its students to gain hands on training during their combat simulation drills by fighting sentient machines

Perhaps…Pumpkinhead was an out-dated model that the school failed to maintain over the years. The bot had taken so many hits that it was due for decommissioning before being sent on its way to the junkyard scrap heap to be salvaged for it parts along with the others in its outdated series since Atlas was due to upgrade to newer, more efficient models in coming time.

Or…at least that was the plan before Oscar more or less rescues (technically steals) the machine---keeping it stored away where he and the other heroes were housed in Atlas---a full house suite organized for them courtesy of Winter Schnee and the General and overseen by Weiss who basically acts as landlady making sure nobody wrecks the place her sister generously helped organize for them. So Oscar keeps Pumpkinhead secured in his room while doing his best to repair the bot piece by piece with as limited resources as he had on his own time.

At first the former farm hand kept Pumpkinhead a secret away from the other heroes. But ultimately Oscar had no choice but to come clean about the tall, pumpkin-headed secret he’s been hoarding in his bedroom.

I’m kind of amused at the idea of Oscar being the type to pick up a stray robot without question. I think if done in the canon it could be a reference to Oz while providing a call back to Fullmetal Alchemist. After all, in FMA, Oscar’s VA--Aaron Dismuke played Alphonse Elricand us ole school FMA fans know how Alphonse was notorious for picking up stray cats.

Picture…Oscar pulling an Alphonse just with picking up a stray sentient robot he was trying to patch-up. One of my favourite Pinehead headcanons is that Oscar has a natural born talent for mechanical engineering as a testament to his upbringing back on his family farm.

In the V6 opening, Oscar could be spotted reading an Atlas Mechanics magazine during his shot with JNR and Qrow. A throwaway detail or conceivably a foreshadowing nod to what’s to be seen of this farm boy’s hidden talents during the Atlas Arc?

I’d absolutely love it if Oscar is good at repairing machinery with robots being no exception. I think that could be a really interesting skill for him to have. Plus picture the look on everyone’s faces to learn that our veteran farm boy’s got a knack for tinkering with them mechanical thingamabobbles and gadgets.

Remember how back in V2, Ruby snuck Zwei onto Team RWBY’s off-campus field trip to Mountain Glenn with Oobleck and we got that funny bit where Oobleck calls Ruby out only for Zwei to unceremoniously pop out of Ruby’s backpack; barking defiantly at her when she hisses for him to get back in the bag.

RWBY Squiggle Script #016: Pumpkinhead

Picture it. A similar scenario like that with Oscar where an online, Pumpkinhead is unceremoniously uncovered in Oscar’s bedroom closet and the farm boy is awkwardly put on the spot to explain himself; all the while standing between his profoundly stupefied comrades and teammates (at least Jaune, Nora, Ruby and Weiss for the sake of this scene. Let’s say the others were away on other errands or something) and a spooked Pumpkinhead who sat curled up in a ball behind Oscar, frightened by the unfamiliar non-Oscar faces.

Jaune: ….Oscar, is that a… 8ft robot standing in your bedroom?

Oscar: Actually he’s 7ft 11 inches tall to be exact. But…yeah…it’s---it’s a robot.

Jaune: Okay, let me try asking again. Oscar, why is there a 7ft 11 inches tall robot in your bedroom?

Oscar: *chuckling nervously with a shrug* Would you believe me if I said he followed me home?

Weiss: *incredulously* Oscar, be serious. Did you steal that Atlesian Practice droid?

Oscar: *awkward laughing intensifies* Psssh no, of course not. I told you. He followed me...sort of. Look I’ll explain everything just promise me you won’t freak out if I tell you.

Despite their equally doubting expressions, the others settled down to listen to Oscar’s explanation.

Oscar: It started a while back. It was the first Battle Sim class for us first years and our professor wanted us to practice combat against a moving target. For that class we were each paired up with a practice droid to spar with. I got this fella. *pats Pumpkinhead* For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to…hurt him. The minute I raised my weapon, he just looked at me and curled up all frightened and shaken. I know that sounds really, really crazy but… it did happen. Even my teacher took notice and started yelling at me to take it down. Show no mercy against the enemy, he said. Even if that enemy is a defenceless practice droid who was more scared of you and…refused to fight. So naturally, I refused to fight too.

I won’t attack an opponent who isn’t trying to harm me. So I ended up not fighting at all and…as you’d expect, the teacher sent me straight to Ironwood.

Jaune: *incredulously* So that’s why you were in trouble before? For refusing to beat up one practice droid?

Oscar: *nods* Yeah. Turns out you can get a full month’s detention for anything at Atlas Academy. As punishment, I was put in charge of helping with droid maintenance. The robo-tech guy supervising me is a real piece of work, to say the least, but other than that, it wasn’t half bad. I didn’t mind looking after the droids. From there, I noticed this guy following me around a lot. Even when he was supposed to be offline, everywhere I turned, he was there just…staring at me. I guess you could say he took a weird shine to me after our forfeit fight. It was really weird and really uncomfortable, at first.

But after a while I got use to the stares and actually started to appreciate the company. *chuckles* You can say he’s been my fateful companion during the more boring detention days and he’s a surprisingly good listener. Doesn’t say much…or…do much except stare but I think we became friends.

Weiss: *dubiously*…You befriended…a robot?

Oscar: *defensively* It can happen.

Ruby: He’s right. It can.

Weiss: *exasperated* Please don’t encourage him.

Nora: Can you guys quit interrupting? I wanna know what happens next? Go on Oscar.

Oscar: *frowning* Well…what happened next is actually the worst part. One detention, I didn’t find him with the other bods. Some first years from my class had rented him out for some extracurricular target practice.

Ruby: What… happened?

Oscar: *exasperated; fist clenching* What’d you think? They broke him! Wrecked him up really bad. Students are allowed to fight the droids after school but these students overdid it. And what’s worst is that after they were done, they just…left him. The robo-tech will clean up the mess for us, they said. They didn’t even bother returning him. Just left him in pieces. I tried to tell them off but I was useless. They just pushed me aside.

Nora: *annoyed* Please tell me you reported those jerks!

Ruby: Did you tell someone? Ironwood? The robo-tech?

Oscar: I tried but…it just made things worse. I told the robo-tech about what happened but… he didn’t care. I asked him if he could repair him but he said… *scoffs* He said fixing damaged goods isn’t in his payroll. It’s not in his job requirements to fix the bots, he’s just supposed to polish them up and make them look pretty. Who cares if a couple of them get ruined in a few rough sparring matches? Atlas’ got the funds so why bother fixing the broken bots when they could just as easily replace them with newer models. If I had left him as is, he would’ve been scrapped! I…couldn't just…leave him like that. I had to do something so…

Ruby: …So…you saved him?

Weiss: He stole it!

Oscar: I…*head handing guiltily* Yeah, I stole him, yes.

Weiss: I can’t believe it. We’ve been hoarding a felon.

Ruby: Weiss, quit being so overdramatic.

Weiss: I am not!

Nora: So…exactly how long have you been hiding this bot here under our noses?

Oscar: Let’s see, one…two weeks so probably…about a month.

Groans all around, the most audible being Weiss’. Ruby being Ruby appeared more sympathetic.

Ruby: Well… he seems to be up and running now. Why didn’t you try taking him back to the school again?

Oscar: He’s not completely fixed yet. There’s still more work to be done but I can only do some much with such little tools and with such a little workspace. Besides I already tried that but...he won't let me. I think he's too scared to go back there after what those kids did to him.

Weiss: He’s scared? He's a machine!

Ruby: Weiss, even machines can have feelings too.

Weiss: But---

Oscar: *wearily* Do you guys mind lowering your voices please? He doesn't like it when you yell. He hates loud noises.

At this, Oscar gently pats the tall robot behind him.

Oscar: It's okay big guy. We won't yell anymore. It's okay, Pumpkin.

Ruby: *snorts* Pumpkin?

Oscar:*embarassed* Uhh…yeah. It’s short for Pumpkinhead.

Nora: Aww. That's kind of sweet.

Weiss: *arms crossed with an incredulous expression* You named it!

Jaune: *reasonably* Oscar, I understand you want to help this bot but you do realize he's Atlas Academy property. You can't just keep him in the house. He's not a pet.

Oscar: *pouting* I know I can’t keep him but he's still pretty messed up. If I take him back to the school as he is now, they'll throw him away for sure. At least let me try and fix him first. Please.

Jaune: Oscar...

Oscar: *imploringly* Please.

Jaune and Nora exchanged unsure looks. Weiss huffed but in the end it was Ruby who spoke up.

Ruby: Okay.

Weiss: What! Ruby you're not serious!

Ruby: It's like Oscar said, we can’t send him back to the school broken. The least we can do is let him finish fixing him.

Weiss: Unbelievable.

Ruby: Weiss...

Ruby plants a firm hand on Weiss’ shoulder, looking at her squarely so she’s certain the Schnee girl could see her serious expression.

Ruby: Please.

Weiss stares at Ruby blankly for a few beats before finally sighing, admitting defeat.

Weiss: Fine. But it's not staying in here. *indicates to the bedroom* There’s an empty storage room downstairs in the basement. It's not much but it’s definitely more appropriate to house your...Pumpkin friend than a small bedroom closet. It’s yours till the bot is fixed and…I’ll see if I can get you some better tools to speed up the process. While I detest lying to my sister and the General, I guess I could always say it’s for a school project or something. Not making any promises.

Oscar beams.

Oscar: Thank you Weiss-cream.

Weiss: *eye twitching* Call me that again and you and your bot will be sleeping in the streets tonight.

Oscar: *nervously* Y---Yes ma’am. I promise I’ll move Pumpkin as soon as the storage room opens up.

Weiss: Good. Just…hurry up and fix it. The last thing we need is trouble with Atlas Academy.

---

As promised, Oscar moved Pumpkinhead immediately into the storage room after Weiss gave him access. In this next concocted scene, Pumpkin is safely secured with Oscar now standing behind him on a chair for added height while he worked diligently on repairing some of the remaining damages done to its head.

Oscar: Alright big guy. You’ll only feel a slight tickle but I promise it won’t hurt.

Pumpkinhead voices his disapproval with incoherent robot noises but otherwise stays trustingly cooperative while Oscar patches him. When Oscar was done, he patted the top of Pumpkinhead’s head with a proud grin, happy with his handiwork.

Oscar: There you go. Now that part’s all done for today. See. Not as bad as you thought, right bud? Nothing to be scared about.

Ruby: Didn't realize you were such a robot whisperer.

Oscar nearly falls off his chair as he zips around to find Ruby standing at the top of the staircase leading down into the storage room. She wore an amused smile; arms crossed as she came down.

Oscar: *embarrassed* Ru---Ruby? How---How long have you been standing there?

Ruby: *giggling* Not too long but long enough to see you sweet talk, Mr. Pumpkinhead over there. Are you sure you don’t need any help fixing him? Yang’s pretty handy; no pun intended and…I might know a thing or two that could help out too just so you know. I did built my weapon from scratch after all.

Oscar: Thanks but…as much as I’d love the extra hands, I don’t want to distress Pumpkin too much. He’s not really open to new people right now. Besides I used to help my uncle fix the machinery back on the farm. Fixing a giant robot, surprisingly not that different from fixing a tractor. I mean it is different but my Uncle Henry was the best mechanic I know. Taught me everything he knew and I've always loved a good pet project.

Wiping his grease stained hands on a handkerchief he kept in his back pocket, Oscar smiled broadly as he patted the top of Pumpkinhead’s exposed top once life time before closing it shut. After that, the young boy jumped down from his perch to stand next to Ruby, admiring the work he was able to get done that evening.

Oscar: *smiles at Ruby* It's a slow hurdle but at least we’re getting somewhere, y’know?

Ruby: *nods; smiling back* Well uh...you seem to be doing a pretty great job so far on your own. I'm actually really impressed.

Oscar: *blushing* For real?

Oscar tried leaning against a small table that was next to him; absently neglecting the table had wheels. Immediately Oscar scrambled to regain his balance and make sure the tools on top the table didn’t clatter to the floor and startle Pumpkinhead. While he was victorious in keeping the giant bot at ease, that didn’t stop him from momentarily making a spectacle of himself in front of Ruby who eyed him closely, hand covering her mouth to supress another giggle.

Oscar: *cheekily* I meant to do that.

For the sake of Oscar’s pride, Ruby ignored his last blunder as she slowly approached Pumpkinhead. Instantly, the bots beady white eyes swivelled around inside their socket to focus in on Ruby.

Ruby: He's looking a lot better from earlier.

Oscar: *rubbing the back of his neck bashfully; cheeks slightly flushed* Thanks. I owe Weiss big time for letting me use the storage room. It’s amazing how much more work I can get done when I’m not trying to hide a giant robot in my closet anymore.

Ruby nods wordlessly as she slowly edged closer to Pumpkinhead, eyes wide with curious wonder. Now Ruby was standing close to the robot’s legs. The instant she made an attempt to move further, that’s when the uproar started. Incoherent static mechanical noises echoed throughout the garage as Pumpkinhead made a fuss trying to move as far away from Ruby as possible.

Immediately, Oscar pulled Ruby back making sure to gently move her as far away from the robot as possible. After he did that, he ran to the robot’s side, doing his best to silence its distressed signals.

Oscar: Whoa! WHOA! Easy Pumpkin. She's a friend. She’s not going to hurt you. Easy bud, easy.

A few gentle words and reassuring pats later, Oscar managed to tame the robot yet again and Pumpkinhead settled silent once more. However its optical eye never left Ruby who now stood far, a bit shaken herself. Now it was her turn to be comforted by Oscar who returned to her side with a reassuring smile.

Oscar: … I should have warned you. Pumpkin doesn’t really like anyone coming near him except me. Sorry about that.

Ruby: No it’s….okay. Is he better now?

Oscar: Yeah, he should be good so long as you stay over here.

Ruby nodded. Rubbing her shoulder nervously, she made an attempt to break the awkwardness of her blunder.

Ruby: …So ......Pumpkinhead, huh?

Oscar: *chuckling* Name of the year, right?

Ruby: *smirking wryly* I guess. Why that name though?

Oscar: It’s an old boring farm boy story you probably wouldn’t want to here.

Ruby: *smiling* Oh yeah? Try me.

Her answer made Oscar smile.

Oscar: Well; when I was a little kid growing up on the farm, we had this old neighbour. I never learned what her real name was. I just used to call her Ms. M for mean because she was the meanest old lady in the world, at least to 10-year-old Oscar. Although she had her own farm with her own cornfields, she’d always let her pigs and her weird four horned cow wander onto our side of the land and destroy our crops before they could harvest.

Ruby: *disbelievingly* I’m sorry. A four-horned cow?

Oscar: *nods* Yep. And each time my family complained, she’d just laugh at us and still leave her animals to mess up our crops while hers remained perfectly fine. Not that it helped much. She was actually a really bad farmer and all her former farmhands couldn’t stand working for her.

Ruby: She sounds like quite the handful.

Oscar: She was. I hated that old lady. Aunt Em taught me that it’s not good to hate people but that lady was a real witch. She was never nice to me and she was even worst to my aunt. Reminds me a lot of that Mombi kid from school actually. Both are a bunch of bullies.

Anyways, one harvest, 10 year old me figured he had enough of Ms M and wanted to teach her a lesson. So I picked the biggest pumpkin I can carry and built this giant scare---er---pumpkin hoping he would scare Ms M and her animals off our land. You can probably guess what I named him.

Ruby: *drumming her finger against her chin, pretending to ponder* Hmm, think, think, think. *snaps fingers and grins* Pumpkinhead?

Oscar: *laughs* You've been paying attention.

Ruby: *giggles* So what happened? Did the OG Pumpkinhead scare away the old wicked witch next door?

Oscar: Nope. Didn't even phase her at all. Actually it was the ten shot gun bullets through the window from Aunt Em that did the trick. Never dared bother us again after that.

Ruby: *jaw hanging in a mix of shock and amusement* No way!

Oscar: *grinning wide* Yes way! I can still hear my Aunt Em now. Oscar, fetch me my gun! No, not that one! The bigger one with the bigger bullets.

At this point, Ruby was in stitches, hardly able to contain her laughter and Oscar joined her.

Ruby: *though laughter* I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time picturing your dainty old aunt firing a gun.

Oscar: *chuckling* There's an old Mistralian saying back home. You don’t mess with the west and if it hails from the south, get out. West and South Anima are mostly farming lands. If there are two things you don't play with in my neck of the woods, it's family and produce and that old witch had it coming big time.

I'd never forget the look on her face when my aunt marched straight up to her house and blew out all her windows. All ten of them on all sides. Not a single piece of glass was spared that day. Em even took out Ms. M’s glass eye. But for that she used a teeny, tiny pistol.

Ruby: *wheezing* You are making this up!

Oscar: *sarcastically* Would I lie?

Ruby gave Oscar a knowing look, punching him playfully in the shoulder.

Oscar: *chuckling* Okay, okay, you got me. That last part about the glass eye is made up but everything else is full proof. Farm boy's honour on my uncle’s grave.

Oscar grinned cheekily and Ruby only shook her head in amusement at the former farm hand.

Ruby: Wow. And I guess this Pumpkinhead reminds you of home.

Oscar: Yeah. Y'know he's not too different from the one on the farm. He's bright orange. Got two beady eyes and a crooked moon smile. Big ole pumpkin-sized head and skinny arms and legs---

At Oscar’s comments, Pumpkinhead made a noise from behind as if to show his displeasure of Oscar’s remarks about its physique. Oscar backpedals, turning to flash the robot a kind-hearted smile.

Oscar: *chuckles* I don't mean that in a bad way Pumpkin. You're a good boy. Yes you are, Whose the best Pumpkinhead in the world? You are!

At Oscar’s affectionate comments, the colour on Pumpkinhead’s eyes turned neon pink as if to reflect its delight of being coddled by Oscar and its robot legs even wiggled, as if mimicking a dog wagging its tails happily at its owner. It is a unexpectedly adorable moment that even makes Ruby gush. So much so that she forgets herself.

Ruby: *cooing; heart-eyes; clapping her hands excitedly* Awww, he is a sweet guy!

This time, Pumpkinhead sprung up suddenly; bursting through the cables that Oscar was partially using before in his current stage of repairing the bot as it shuffled behind whatever giant piece of infrastructure within the storage room was big enough to shield the bot from Ruby. From there Pumpkinhead remained.

Oscar groaned, rubbing his forehead. Ruby, in turn, looked to him guiltily.

Ruby: *apologetically* I am so, sorry. Things were getting so cheery, I forgot about…before. I’m really sorry Oscar. I guess Pumpkin really doesn’t like me now, huh?

Oscar: *exasperated but assuring* Don't…*sighs*…Don’t take it personally. It's not really you. Pumpkin’s scared of everyone. He's alright with me because I think I'm the first person who hasn't tried to hurt him before. Kind of a bad thing to say, isn’t it?

Ruby: Well...isn't he a practice droid? Aren't they built specifically for combat? To take a hit whenever on the battlefield?

Oscar: Yeah but...that doesn't necessarily mean he liked being used that way. What if all the other practice droids are like Pumpkin?

Ruby: I think your guy is a special case, Oscar.

Oscar: You’re probably right. But it makes you wonder doesn't it? I know you guys must think I'm being silly for caring about something that's technically not alive but...he feels alive to me. When he's scared...I feel his fear. I understand it as if it's my own. It's not his fault he was born to be this. He never asked to be made into a practice droid for others to beat up on him whenever they liked. It wasn't his choice. He just had to accept the role he was dealt with but just because this is his life now doesn’t mean he has to like it. He's free to feel scared and not be okay with everything.

Ruby eyed Oscar weirdly. Even though she knew he was speaking from the heart in defence of Pumpkinhead, she couldn’t help but get the impression that his words felt oddly off. As if there was more to them between the lines.

Ruby: *concernedly* Oscar, is everything...okay? With you?

Now it was Oscar’s turn to eye Ruby strangely.

Oscar: *surprised* Yeah I'm good. Why wouldn't I be?

Ruby: I---

Ruby opens her mouth to continue but instead decides against it; claiming it wasn’t the right time to pry.

Ruby: Nevermind.

Oscar looks over Ruby once more, waiting to see if she might say something else but when she doesn’t, he shrugs casually.

Oscar: I'm...going to go check up on Pumpkin. Did you need me for something?

Just like that, Ruby remembers why she came down to the storage room in the first place. She blushes, a bit embarrassed that she had gotten so distracted before.

Ruby: *awkwardly* Oh right! No, no, I just...came down to let you know dinner's almost ready.

Oscar: *smiles* Ooh good I'm starving actually. Let me just clean up here and I’ll join you up upstairs.

Ruby nods. As Oscar makes a move to tidy up to leave, that’s when Pumpkinhead peep its head out, eyes fixed on Oscar.

Oscar: Hey buddy, I'm going up to eat now. I won’t be gone for long but I need you to be on your best behaviour, okay?

Oscar had meant to sound more assuring but his attempt was met with distressed robotic chatter. At the noise, Oscar’s expressed dropped shamefacedly.

Oscar: …Look, I know you don't like it when I leave but…I’ll just be upstairs. I’ll only be gone for like four minutes. Three if I eat really fast.

The robotic distressed signals only intensified and Oscar slumps, face in hand.

Ruby: What's wrong?

Oscar: *sighing* He's…in one of his clingy moods, tonight. Must've been all the excitement from today. When he's stressed like this he doesn't like me to leave. Doesn't want to be left alone. *groans loudly* Guess I'm missing dinner.

Ruby: No you don't. I'll bring your plate down for you. I'll just let the others know we'll be having dinner in the garage tonight.

Oscar: Wait… we?

Ruby: Yeah. You, Pumpkinhead and me. *smiles brightly* You can keep Pumpkin company so he doesn’t stress out and I can keep you company. But…that's only if you---y’know, want my---

Oscar: No, no it’s cool. I---Pumpkin's not much of a talker anyways and...

Oscar flashes Ruby a smile.

Oscar: I'd like your company.

Ruby: *beaming* Great! I promise I won't overstep again this time. Besides…

Ruby turns her attention on Pumpkinhead who was still peeping out at them.

Ruby: *perkily*We may have had a rough start but don't worry Pumpkin, you and I will be bestest of friends in no time too.

Ruby flashes Pumpkinhead a big toothy smile, hitting him with a big ole Ruby Rose thumbs up only for Pumpkin to jolt and zip his head right back behind his hiding spot.

Oscar: *sweatdrops* Sorry.

Ruby: Playing hard to get I see. Not to worry, I've befriended your type before. You're not getting me to give up that easy.

With a determined huff that earns a chuckle from Oscar, Ruby turns on her heals to head back upstairs.

Oscar: Hey Ruby?

Ruby looks back.

Oscar: Thank you. From me and Pumpkin. *cheeks reddening* Mostly me.

Ruby says nothing. Instead she just smiles brightly, pleased with herself to see her friend smiling at her. With that, she leaves to go grab their food.

And scene.

What do you guys think? Now this squiggle meister has shared quite a bit of Oscar- themed theories and Pinehead headcanons before but I think this one has become one of my personal favourites especially as we’re going into the Atlas Arc.

I already got my wish last season with the introduction of flying monkey Grimm in the series. Now what I’d love to see next is Oscar awakening his inner mechanic and creating Pumpkinhead. And after Pumpkinhead, perhaps even Sawhorse will be integrated into RWBY as well as both characters were signature in Princess Ozma’s side of the story.

Words cannot fathom how much I really, really dig this idea. I really want Pumpkinhead to become a canon character in Oscar’s story now because I think it could be pretty cute for Oscar to have his very own robotic companion who he becomes attached to. Ruby had Penny but unlike Oscar, Penny wasn’t canonically invented by Ruby. Pinocchio wasn’t made by either Little Red Riding Hood or Dorothy Gale.

However Princess Ozma did create Jack Pumpkinhead and eventually Sawhorse.

Who knows? If my Pinehead theory comes true, perhaps Oscar will invent his own Pumpkinhead while in Atlas. Atlas is the most technologically advanced kingdom in Remnant so it is a huge possibility. Plus as I’ll point out again, this fits into the Wizard of Oz. If Oscar becomes an inventor on top of being a great and powerful wizard, I don’t think anyone can really complain because it comes with the source material he was influenced by.

Plus Oscar becoming an inventor could be something worth exploring as part of his individual story outside of his story with Ozpin. The whole Ozma reincarnation cycle and magic and longstanding battle with Salem to protect humanity became part of Oscar’s story via his connection with Ozpin who is essentially the Wizard of Oz.

But Oscar inventing Pumpkinhead is more connected to Princess Ozma who he draws reference from. So therefore, this is an opportunity to develop Oscar as his own character outside of Ozpin. Right now, most of Oscar’s story has primary been focused the part he shares with Ozpin.

That’s fine but… ya’ll know how much I have been advocating for Oscar to get his own fair share of development, right? And I think this is an idea on how RWBY can do that while drawing reference from the fairy-tale character Oscar was based off of. This is something the CRWBY Writers can do with Oscar while in Atlas as a means of fleshing him out. I’m just saying.

But y’know. For now, it’s only just another theory to add to the rest as always.

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

#rwby #oscar pine #rwby theories #rwby volume 7 theories #ruby rose #rwby musings #rwby volume 7 #rwby v7 theories #squiggles scripts: rwby

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dxmedstudent · 7 years

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You seem like an incredibly dedicated doctor who spends a lot of her time working. How do you manage to keep your mental health at its optimum? My grasp of healthcare is that it is both physically and emotionally laborious. I know that often, you have shared with us that has been difficult to maintain a work life balance. Do you feel that medicine itself is fulfilling for you?

Thank you! It’s an immense privilege to be able to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you. You’re right that it’s hard work. Physically, night shifts and long days do things to your body that you didn’t quite realise before you went to med school. It can mess up your eating patterns, sleep patterns, and set off any other conditions you have, for example. I find it much harder to maintain a normal daily rhythm than I used to; after months or years of telling your body ‘you’ll eat/sleep/rest when I have time’ rather than listening to it, you get less good at listening to what your body is telling you that you need. Plus maintaining a healthy diet becomes harder…Emotionally, it can be draining. Difficult cases. Stressed out patients or relatives. Stressed out colleagues. Too many things to do in too little time; the feeling that you’re always just trying to get by. The background feeling that the NHS is going downwards instead of changing for the better. I don’t spend more time working than my other colleagues (in fact, right now, this month, being on a gap-year of sorts, I spend *less* time doing so). But I have worked some particularly difficult rotas where it felt like I was always on-call. I’m not more dedicated than anyone else, I’m just lucky in the placements I’ve had. Hard work, but with supportive colleagues and friends who have made it possible to stay focused and sane. Not everyone is so lucky; some people had more problems to begin with, or happened to work in departments that are much more understaffed and poorly supported. Some people have to deal with unhelpful or abusive colleagues. Or with patients and relatives far worse than the ones I encountered. Perhaps they don’t have the same support from friends and colleagues that I did, or they have a lot more problems to deal with. Some people really struggle, but that’s not because they are worse doctors, or worse people. It’s because they’ve got a lot more on their plates. And medicine really does load our plates unequally. Some people get stuck with unfair circumstances, others are much luckier. I count myself lucky. I was talking abot this with a close friend the other day; there is little difference between me and a doctor who hates medicine, or my colleagues who sadly took their lives. Those of us who got by without major burnout (or worse) arent’ stronger, or better; under the right circumstances we too could really struggle. There were a few times during the more challenging parts of my job when I could really see myself coming close, and I began to understand just how easy it is to be sucked into despair. Any of us, could, under the wrong set of circumstances, end up in their shoes. How to look after yourself:This is why we all need support. I rely heavily on my medical friends and our whatsapp groups. When I’m having a bad day, or when I need stress relief, or when I’ve had a learning point to reflect on, or an interesting case, or genuinely don’t know what to do, they are there. It’s not just them; reaching out to close family and friends is vital, because isolating yourself harms you in the longterm, even if it feels protective. Choose a living situation that works for you.Personally, I like living with flatmates, because it’s nice to come home and rant to someone (and I usually live with medics so they have an idea how it is) and when you get on, it really works well. I’m a bit of an introvert, so whilst I’ll gladly go to the pub with friends (or out for a meal, film, etc) I don’t really put myself out there every night socialising with strangers, particularly if I’m working out of London and I don’t know anyone locally apart from colleagues. If I lived alone I’d find it more difficult to motivate myself to go out. And I know a lot of my friends feel the same. But when you live with friends or flatmates, you encourage each other to do stuff, and also take care of each other. We’d take it in turns to clean and buy food etc so nobody would have to come home from a horrific batch of oncalls to find no food in the cubpoards and that it’s their turn to do all the cleaning. Ovbiously, you can substitute ‘partner’ for ‘friends and flatmates’, or even ‘family’ if you decide to live at home.. I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t live alone; some of my friends love their alone-space. But interestingly, these are usually also the friends who are super-organised, really motivated to meet up and organise things, and get out of the house, so it works well for them. But rather that it helps to build in support into your life, especially if you have a tendency to isolate yourself, or are starting somewhere new and far from friends and family. This goes hand in hand, but also support each other at work. Be a team, in the truest sense of the word. Be there for your nurse colleagues, and your team. Be kind to the other teams you work with. Look out for the juniors. Be supportive to your seniors. And they’ll do the same for you. In FY1 we used to help each other out all the time; it made a chaotic year much more fun and manageable and helped us make firm friendships. during my paeds job it usually meant gently walking the surgical/ENT/ortho SHOs through bleeding and cannulating kids when they asked our team to do it (because secretly they didn’t know or felt terrified at the prospect). Whenever you can, act in the spirit of kindness rather than being obstructive; if you have the time and energy to help, consider doing it. There will be times when you have to stick up for yourself and will be cross, but try not to let that be your default response. Having hobbies and interests outside of medicine is also important. It’s easier said and done. Ask me how many novels I’ve read in the past few years and I’ll laugh in your face. I count myself a prolific reader, but something has to give; when you’ve got one or two hours in a long day to eat and de-stress before bed, you ealise how finite your time and energy are. Even the things you decide to prioritise might not cooperate with you; medicine can sap you because it leaves you with little time and energy. Even when I had time to create, you can guess how creative I felt after a difficult week at work. Sometimes you look forward to days off ages in advance, but when they come around you are so knackered that all you can manage is cleaning your flat and going to the park. Part of keeping your health as good as you can is trying to maintain some semblance of rhythm in your life. Eat when you know you have ot eat, sleep when you know you have to sleep. Even (as I mention below) when you don’t feel like it). Make time to see your dentist and your GP if you need to; that’s all part of self-care but we are usually the worst at sorting our own problems. You’ll need to put extra effort into your social life. Plan meetups in advance, because I promise you that when your day off comes, you’ll feel too tired to plan something last-mintue then, unless your friends and family drag you out. Give yourself things to look forward to, but be kind to yourself if you decide you aren’t up to them. This can be a whole other layer of challenging when your friends are either also working hideous rotas, or are married with kids/live on the other end of the country etc; sometimes I look back at when we were all 16 and could just meet up without any effort and wonder at the difference. Is medicine fulfilling?I love doing what I do. I don’t find it horrible working sets of nights or picking up that second long day in the week because when I’m at work, I’m not miserable with what I’m doing. Sure, sometimes it’ll be a stressful day (I arrive in A&E and 9 patients are waiting for me to see them, it doesn’t get better the entire shift) or I’ll be stuck with a colleague who stresses me out and makes me feel inadequate. But on the whole, most of the time, I leave work with a feeling that I’ve done OK, good even. And I don’t dread going back the next day. Even though I’ve got a lot to learn, and I still feel nervous with my ever-increasing responsibilities, I enjoy being ‘clinical me’. I’d say it’s fulfilling. But medicine can take over your life, not just when it makes you miserable and you hate your placement or colleagues (and boy, can it make you miserable if that’s the case!), but also even when you like what you do. Because working all those shifts, and staying late, can really affect how much time you have to spend being you. The ‘ouside of hospital’ you. It’s just physically much harder to stay in contact with friends and family when you are working all hours of the night or day. When you have projects, and audits, and exams outside of work (which you will do, there’s a ton of stuff behind the scenes which you have to do in your own time in order to continue doctoring), they also take up your precious free time in ways that your 9-5 colleagues don’t have to deal with. I’ve been very lucky; I’ve generally enjoyed my placements, and worked well with my colleagues, and found medicine itself to be really fulfilling. It’s not all nice things; there’s the mundane and the stresfful, but overall I’ve enjoyed it more often than not. I know that’s not true for everyone, and I think how fulfilling it is can depend a lot on finding the right specialities for you. I’m still working on finding the right balance, but I’ve got a good idea. It’s not that medicine isn’t fulfilling for me, but rather that because it is, it can take over your life. It’s because what you do feels important. Because you enjoy it. Because you care. Because you want to be a better doctor. Medicine can take up a lot of time and energy, and it’s hard to carve out a space in your life that it doesn’t take over. It’s something we all have to work on. I love my job, but In the long run, neglecting my out-of-medicine-life wouldn’t be fulfilling. You can be happy in your job but still feel unfilfilled in your life outside of it; if you let friendsips fall by the wayside, or neglect relationships. If you don’t have kids but want them, or have kids and feel you are never there for them. If you miss important life events for work and feel you are never there for the people you love. If you give up the passions in your life that make you happy. You can still love your job but miss out on the other things that make you happy. There’s no easy choice; you have to find a balance that works for you.It’s one of the reasons I am not planning to stay on in paediatrics, for example. I love the job despite the stresses, but the timetable decimated my personal life; the idea of combinign that with exams made me realise I’d be happy with my job but miserable that I got to do little else. In the long run, I don’t think it would make me happy. Because happiness is more than just enjoying what you do at work. It’s also having time and energy to do the other things that make you happy. So I’ll have to work to find a balance that suits me.

#askdx #ask dx #medicine #personal #my life #junior doctorhood

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wehatejulietsimms · 7 years

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Does anyone know what Andy wrote at the end of the Andy Black documentary. I heard it was a poem or strange letter but I can't read it very well at the end of the video on YouTube?

“Hello friends.I call you my friends even though many of us have never met and I do this because over the years so many of you have treated me with such kindness and support for my career and life that it feels fitting to address you as though we have known each other forever.When I was a very young kid I felt certain that I knew what I wanted to do in life and thanks to a combination of hardwork, dedication, support and a little bit of luck. I have been able to live out my dream on a grand scale and for that I am eternally grateful. One thing however that you are never prepared for is for how that dream may affect you personally if you aren’t ready to receive it.First let me start by saying I was a loner growing up and I don’t throw this in here to gain sympathy but rather to explain the rusty toolbox I have been working with socialization and friendship.Much of my childhood was spent in my room drawing, singing, creating and dreaming. This was useful later in life when it came time to set out and make music professionally but certainly left much to be desired when it comes to how I am able to converse or assimilate in group settings or even in one on one contact. I have learned over the years something of a parlor trick to hide this by being over the top and almost playing the part of someone happy to be there or wearing the shroud of comfortability like a safety net over my shoulders.

Internally I have always struggled with the concept of belonging.

It has guided decisions I’ve made both positive and negative.

The quest to be part of the gang.

Hand a child the keys to a corvette and they are likely to drive it into a ditch. Hand a teenager the keys to their dreams, adoration and power, and they are likely to act foolishly now and live with the consequences later.

This is the reason I am writing you.

I wanted to share something about myself with you that I don’t often talk about and speak from the place I am at now. A place of confidence and happiness that I have never experienced before. You often hear people say the following about an artist they enjoy:

“I miss the old them. They used to be so amazing. But now they just seem so different.”

I think a lot of that can be attributed to the complete lack of reality an artist faces early in their career. At any scale in the beginning all you have is hope and dreams and the joy of what might happen some day. it’s virtually impossible to retain that youthful joy as you atempt to sift through the waters of success and popularity. Doubly so if you deep down inside never feel quite right about it in the first place.

When my band found success I was 18 years old. A high school drop out who ran away from home to make it in the big city and if I am honest with you it was also to escape the feeling of emptiness I had amongst those I grew up with in school, my neighborhood, my town etc.

At the time I felt like I was ready to take on anything and in a way I was. I just didn’t know how I would handle it if that anything showed up at my doorstep.

Over the next 5 years I would travel the world with my bandmates, play to large numbers of fans and continue to run away from the fear and depression I felt inside. I found a way to mask it that I never thought would be me and that was to drink constantly and even on occasion foolishly take recreational drugs. Essentially I’d take on an attitude that wasn’t my true nature. This “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and do whatever the hell I felt like in the moment.

This went on for quite a while and in fact it often seemed easy to play the role of someone else. Act now and never think about tomorrow. Embarrassingly I would say things like “I’m not going to live to 30″ so cool, right?

Wrong.

Where this out me emotionally was on a ride that got worse every year and harder to maintain. It put a strain on virtually all of my choices, effected my relationships and eventually led to me losing long tracks of time from my life. They call it a “blackout” because you can’t remember anything and it’s as if you aren’t there. I think of it nowadays as a black ink mark spread over my like that I am trying like hell to wipe clean but the stain won’t go away and for that I feel sadness constantly.

About a year ago I decided it was time to end this cycle and as many of you who have attended shows on my solo tour know I changed my life the way I knew in my heart that I needed to.

I became sober, I changed my diet and health choices and I did something that fills me with joy everyday that I wake up:

I married my best friend in the world.

My life now is much more simple and I love it that way. I have the most incredible wife whom I love more than anything, a dog, a couple of cats, football on sundays and I get to make records and play shows but now I am doing it with a sense of clarity I never had in my early years. I no longer need to belong because I have all I need right here in my house.

Everything else is a bonus and I am so thankful for that.

I am not writing this to scare you, give you my sob story or make you think differently of me… I am writing you because I care about those who gave me this forum and I think it’s only right that you know more about my journey to this point and if any of this can help you to stay on a good path in life I will be very happy.

The coming months are full of fun and exciting things for me; a new BVB record is in production, a film I starred in will soon be released, and several other projects will be announced shortly.

Life is good when you make it that way and though the demons of yesterday will unfortunately always hang around to fill your mind with that black ink, you can choose to take it and paint a new picture;

One of a life worth living and a dream worth fighting for.

Never give in.

Andy”

A/N: I think it’s great that Andy has been trying to get his life together and fix what mistakes he made. He deserves it. As someone who was there when BVB first came about, I know he’s been struggling so hard to reach this dream that he’s had for years. I know he’s faced hardships. He’s gone through a lot. And now he’s confessed he wasn’t happy, which I never would’ve guessed from what I’ve seen in all those videos of him on stage and in interviews and vlogs. He always seemed so happy so I never would’ve had the thought that he was unhappy and did so much terrible shit to himself.

So for him to make his life better, that’s wonderful for him to be at a happy place.

And now here’s some of not so positive comments.

I had some questions about the part where he said about missing the “old” band and how bands change over the years.

While I agree that bands do change, most don’t change in a way that BVB and some other emo rock bands do. Unless that band is specifically known for changing their sound every year.

For example: I love a band called Skillet and the founder of the band (singer/bassist) founded the band when he was 20. He was quite young, just out of school. And yet Skillet is a band whose sound hasn’t changed much (if at all) over the 20 years they’ve been together. And that includes the different members. Because they stuck to their roots. They stuck to their inspirations and influences.

For those of you who don’t know Skillet, they are a Christian Rock band. So their inspirations are, obviously, religious. Their sounded hasn’t changed (yet doesn’t sound repetitive and boring) because they stuck to what they know. They write from the same bases. And people still love them. The members of the band are now in their late 30′s or early 40′s and still kicking it.

Another example: Someone of you may know I love Linkin Park because of their sound and uniqueness. Plus they’re quirky af. But Linkin Park is one of those bands who’s sound changes every album. But even though each album is completely different from the last, their basics are still the same. Their roots are still the same. Each album still as an element that makes them them.

When bands change their sound but keep their roots, it keeps the fans and makes all new music sound great. But when bands change with no sense of direction (like how BVB did and how most other emo rock bands do), that’s where fans get bored and grow out of them. It’s why fans say “I miss the old _____”. I grew out of my old emo music, but I still listen to and love bands like Skillet and Linkin Park because they still write the music that got them on the charts in the first place.

And as for the last comment I had, I just want to say that I knew Andy was going to say “I married my best friend in the world”. I just knew it. I won’t say it was unnecessary to put that in because he was writing about his past and the changes he made. But I will say that the way he worded it was quite weird and excessive because

1) They hated each other for the longest time before getting together.

2) Andy has said (like most people do) many people were his best friends in the whole world. Like, who remembers Matt Good? Didn’t they use to be best friends in the whole world? And what about his bandmates? I thought his bandmates were like family?

Maybe that’s just me. I won’t make a big deal out of it. Just a comment.

But, all in all, good for Andy for getting better and fixing his life.

-Danie

#Anonymous #ask

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

Text

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 120, September 2018

The challenge of writing about my feelings towards Father’s Day is to not make it sound like a depressing sob story but it most likely will come across that way. I’ve had a very distant relationship with my biological father for many years now. Even after briefly reconnecting with him about five years ago, it really hasn’t done much to strengthen or salvage the relationship. Making an effort with him just feels like a waste of time and energy.

He’s made several attempts at asking me for money and only really texts me whenever he wants something. It’s an emotional time, not just for me but also for my parents who both no longer have their Dads in their lives. It’s felt like a massive void in my life for many years that I’ve had to find masculine energy and strength from other sources. This includes my step-dad, former personal trainer and a current yoga teacher. But sadly these will never completely fill the void or my needs.

So what’s the best way of taking your mind off the fact that it’s Father’s Day today? Switching off all forms of social media. Going to the local community market at Cranbourne Public Hall and having a coffee with Mum at Michel's Patisserie (Cranbourne East, Victoria). Then going out to Village Cinemas Fountain Gate Gold Class to see the latest Mission: Impossible movie. I think that’s more than enough distractions really. I know a lot of people love and embrace Father’s Day but sadly I’m not one of them for obvious reasons.

On Monday night, I went to the Men of Doveton Program held at Doveton College Theatre and Gym. It’s about halfway through the program now and to be honest, I feel like I’ve only just broken through the iceberg. Whenever it comes to social support groups, I always seem to be the underdog, the one lagging behind the others, the one struggling to catch up. It’s probably due to my autistic traits and under-developed social skills plus the fact that I’ve always been shy, introverted and reserved. But I am determined to complete this program and not simply give up due to my low motivation, self confidence and self worth.

Motivation is still something of a barrier for me, especially on Mondays where I typically don’t do much with my day at all. I usually do some housework, reading, check emails, listen to music and lay in bed. And so the Men of Doveton program has in fact given me a reason to get myself out of the house for a couple of hours and that in itself is an achievement for me. It shows that I need all the help and support I can get from this group of guys. https://www.caseystadium.ymca.org.au/whats-on/upcoming-events/event/men-of-doveton-free-health-program-2/2018/07/30

Tonight we started our first week of playing soccer. My initial reaction to this...well at least it’s better than cricket. But that certainly doesn’t make it easier. Learning to dribble, headbutt and maintain control of the ball wasn’t a walk in the park but I gave it a crack. Similarly, my aim was pretty terrible when it came to kicking the ball into the goals but at least I tried.

Hesitation and uncertainty continue to cloud my judgement when it comes to playing team sports games like soccer but it felt good to least least try to get involved. I made a couple of good attempts at passing the ball to a fellow teammate and also did my best to defend. Again this is not something I’m naturally good at but it’s good to see the other guys being supportive and respectful to the ones giving it a go.

After the physical health session, we gathered ourselves into the kitchen area for our cooking class. We divided ourselves up into seven groups and each worked on a different recipe together. These included: berry smoothies, beans and mushroom on toast, spinach, sweet potato and lentil Dhal, Mediterranean bean salad, roasted chickpeas, protein balls and wholemeal banana pancakes.

It honestly got me out of my comfort zone big time being in that kitchen. I don't do a great deal of cooking at home myself, just occasionally do simple dishes like scrambled eggs, omelettes, salads, smoothies, stir fris etc. And it felt good to be able to contribute and get involved in the cooking process. With there being about 25-30 people in the kitchen, it got hectic very quickly.

Of course my autism and anxiety was going off like an alarm, getting myself easily distracted and being unsure of myself. To throw myself into situations where there is little structure and plenty of chaos, that requires a lot of strength. The solution is to perform tasks I know I’m actually good at like chopping up vegetables, heating up some rice and helping to clean up.

The other is to ask others what needs doing but it’s tough when there’s a lot going on stimulation wise. Still even with how busy the environment got, I still enjoyed myself and felt good about using some hands on kitchen skills again. It’s actually pretty therapeutic as it keeps your mind focused and active on that single activity. Plus I was cutting up and crushing chilies, ginger and garlic which are ingredients I don’t eat or use very often.

In terms of social connections, I feel like I’m slowly blending in with the others. Being one of the quietest men in the group, it’s very easy for me to get overlooked and not stand out. Whenever I meet new people, a wall goes up for my own self-protection due to my trust issues from the past and so it takes time for me to begin opening up to other people and gradually bring that wall down. But I could tell that people were there to support me and to make sure that I didn’t feel alone.

Just attending these weekly Men of Doveton sessions is half the battle for me as social awkwardness and fears of being rejected can rear their ugly heads. But everyone is pretty accepting and inclusive in this group hence why I keep coming each week.

On Tuesday morning, I attended the Adults Learners Week pop-up event at Hampton Park Library. Entering the library foyer, I could already feel my cheeks getting flushed with redness, mainly due to the big question: What the hell am I doing with my life? Thankfully there were plenty of free resources here from Hampton Park Community House, Hampton Park Uniting Church, Hallam Community Learning Centre Inc., Chisholm Institute and Casey Cardinia Libraries.

Mum and I both renewed our library membership cards, grabbed lots of programs and brochures and filled out a work/learning goals form. For 16 years, I’ve referred to myself as a Career Counsellor’s nightmare and nothing much has changed today. It would be easier to say what I’m not interested in. I wrote down: creative writing, painting, drawing, reviewing, barista training, hospitality, waiting and bar service, health and fitness, mental health, nutrition just to name a few things. https://www.cclc.vic.gov.au/

But I’m glad I went today as I’ve opened myself up to more potential social outlets and ways to connect with the local community through classes, workshops, activities, functions, events and training courses. Plus finding mental health support groups, social groups and building friendships. All of those things are very important to me. I’m actually highly considering attending a local church group to pick myself up and feel more connected with others. And I’m not even a Christian. https://www.adultlearnersweek.org/learning-in-casey/

On Tuesday night, I attended my RPM class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I wasn’t exactly feeling energised or alert even after having a regular latte before my class started but I didn’t care. I was determined to jump on that bike and workout hard. It’s been a while since I last did a class with fitness instructor Caroline Dowswell Symmons aka Cas (who also teaches Body Balance and Body Pump) so it was good to see her again. https://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/gym/group-fitness

We did a mixture of tracks tonight including Ke$ha - We R Who We R (Release 51), Cascada - San Fransisco (Release 54), Sash! featuring Stunt - Raindrops (Release 50) and Fatboy Slim versus Moguai - Ya Mama “Push The Tempo” (Release 56). Cas has a really entertaining way of accentuating the lyrics and trying to encourage us to increase the resistance a little more especially during the climbing uphill tracks. It certainly makes RPM classes a lot more enjoyable and fun. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/rpm/

On Wednesday, my mental health took a turn for the worse. I realised that I’d been carrying a lot of unresolved baggage from Father’s Day last weekend plus lack of sleep, confidence and self-esteem issues, work-related stress, frustration, moodiness, irritability, social isolation. All of it was coming to a head today. I really needed to be pro-active and do something about it.

So I decided to see my GP Dr. Mah Mah Thet for her recommendation. After suggesting that I think I should change my antidepressant medication (I’ve been taking Zoloft/Sertraline for over 18 months now), she agreed and recommended finding a psychiatrist who specialises in mood disorders and sleep problems. The difficult task now is doing my homework, researching and finding a psych who suits my needs, narrowing the options down to one.

On Thursday afternoon, I had my NDIS planning meeting/conversation held at Level 2, Suite 1, 64 Victor Crescent in Narre Warren. I spent this week deliberately distracting myself from thinking about this meeting as I was feeling pretty nervous and uncertain about it. I couldn’t have been more organised with a yellow display folder packed with notes, information brochures, letters, reports and evidence about my mental health condition and disability. With how daunting and overwhelming the NDIS system is, I just couldn’t wait to get this planning meeting over with.

An NDIS representative named Sean ran the meeting today in one of the office spaces. After wasting 5-10 minutes trying to plug the mouse into his computer, we finally got going. Most of it was answering a range of online questionnaires about my family life, social and work environments, living arrangements, what I need help and support with, how my disability impacts on my life, my emotional health, how I want my plan to be managed, my goals and participant statement. I found that the wording of some of the questions was very convoluted and unnecessarily complex that I had to go to Mum or Sean for a second opinion. It was like they were trying to trip me up if I answered the question incorrectly but Sean assured me that this wasn’t the case.

I did notice that Sean would often go off on a tangent and not be mindful enough about the time (we only had 1.5 hours allocated for this appointment). I also found that he’d sometimes try to answer questions for me and I wasn’t exactly comfortable about that. But otherwise he was very easy to get along with. https://www.casey.vic.gov.au/community-services/ndis

Thankfully the rest of it was pretty easy as I already did my homework and pre-filled a lot of information ahead of time. Sean offered the suggestion of doing an aged care or disability services course but I’m not really sure about that right now and I’d rather see an actual careers counsellor about that. I’m sure he meant well by it. Now I just have to wait for the plan to get put together. https://www.ndis.gov.au/participants/firstplan

On Friday night, I went to a boxing small group training session at CinFull Fitness. Considering how low, depressed, overwhelmed, highly strung and stressed out I’ve been feeling this week, I figured that trying out some boxing would be a good way to release those negative emotions and make me feel more energized. It was just the four of us tonight, being joined by Grace, Chloe and Ashlee.

Considering I don’t do boxing classes regularly enough or had much experience, I was pretty rusty at it but the girls were very patient and encouraging with me. We took it in turns in wearing the gloves and the focus mitts, doing a few drills and basic combos. The hardest part for me was learning the co-ordination, mitt/glove positioning and timing of the jabs, hooks, crosses and uppercuts but I was slowly getting the hang of it. https://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-basics/how-to-box/the-beginners-guide-to-boxing

There was a lot of cardio exercise mixed in including walking lunges, plank holds, squats, star jumps, step jumps, jumping jacks, squat jumps and push-ups. The physical fatigue and profuse amounts of sweat was obviously present tonight but I felt like I was managing okay. If I don’t need to have the ambos called from Casey Hospital, you know that I’m not overdoing it and that’s important. I’m aware enough of my limits and if I need to stop and take a breather. I’m sure that Cinamon Guerin doesn’t want to see me keeling over.

“I was like a lead balloon when I couldn't even get up to turn the lights on, the dark was swallowing me. Lord knows you can't trust your head, when you're standing on the edge. I'm breaking down. Lord knows you can't trust your head, when you're hanging by a thread. I was breaking down.” SIA - Footprints (2016)

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