#salute for my boy Sir Pentious

[bbybearcubbs]

I just finished Hazbin Hotel AND HOLY FUCKING FUCK!!! THERE'S SO MANY QUESTIONS LEFT!!! SO MUCH NEW INFORMATION TO UNPACK!!! SO MUCH I WANNA SEE FROM THE MAIN CREW!!! AND SO SO SO MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS!!!

FUCK man I have a massive headache from all the screaming and crying I just did but HOLY FUCKING HELL man was that amazing!!!

I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR SEASON 2!!! IT CANNOT GET HERE FAST ENOUGH OMG

#cubbs.talks #holy fucking shit balls bro #this was an insane season final #FUCK YOU Lute #FUCK YOU Adam #i fucking love Nifty #i want a shirt with her on it and a beanie and a plus his and just all the fucking Niffty merch out there I LOVE HER SO MUCH #she's literally my favorite character now #Lucifer is hot and cute asf don't judge me #i've never been into dilfs but Lucifer could- #anyway #salute for my boy Sir Pentious #i love my little snake boy and he deserves the world...and Cherri Bomb <3 #FUCK YOU SERA HAH WHAT YOU GOTTA SAY NOW BITCH?!?! #Emily is so cute and I love her and she's adorable and she and Sir Pentious would be the best of besties i can tell you from right now #hazbin hotel #who the FUCK owns Alastor's soul #i NEED to fucking know!!! #Fucking hell Vivian hahahah #Best Series of 2024 so far I'll tell you that

[scoutswritingcorner]

YOURE MY FAVORITE HAZBIN WRITER!!!!

could i possibly request a tiny little one shot of lucifer’s new wifey (reader) meeting charlie for the first time?? and everyone’s reactions and maybe charlie warming up to her and calling her mom :(((

First Meetings

Lucifer x GN!Reader

Platonic Charlie x GN! Reader

TW:NONE!

A/n: Hihi Anon! This was a really cute request! Your words mean a lot to me! Hope you enjoy! As always Reader will be genderneutral as that’s something I’m more comfortable writing with and so everyone can enjoy!

Lucifer happily grabbed your hand and kissed the golden band on your finger as you both walked towards the Hazbin Hotel, “Darling, you’re shaking like a leaf.” You called out, squeezing his hand as he smiled at you, “I’m just nervous is all..what if she doesn’t approve?” He asked frowning as tears welled up in his eyes. You pulled him into a gentle hug, “I think she will, the way you talk about her she seems like she would love seeing you remarried and happy again.” you hummed, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek as he hugged you back with a bright blush on his cheeks, “You’re right, she’s gonna love you just as much as I do!” He replied, jumping up in excitement pulling you along towards the Hotel.

-👑 Charlie absolutely adores you! You make her dad happy and bring him more out of his shell and his depressive moods. The first time she calls you mom/dad/parent? She gets so embarrassed because it slipped out but she’s so happy that you aren’t mad. Lucifer definitely cries and then Charlie starts crying cause her dad is crying. 

-🎀 Vaggie was weary of you at first. But soon enough calmed down seeing how happy her girlfriend was and slowly started to trust you more. At least you call her by her name the first time.

-🕷️ Angel Dust playfully pouts because now the hottest man in all of hell is off limits. But in all seriousness, he doesn’t really care. He will flirt with you too and don't think your off limits since your married.

-♠ ️ Husk also doesn’t really care all that much but he’s happy for Lucifer and Charlie.

-🦌 Alastor straight up doesn’t give two fucks. He’ll jokingly try to steal you away from Lucifer and chaos ensues. Listen- I love this deer man but he does not have any fucks to give.

-🐍 Sir Pentious freaks the fuck out, like- accidentally trips and falls right infront of you dropping the pan of cookies he had and salutes to you whenever you talk to him. HE IS SUCH A DORK COME ON NOW- But he’s happy for Lucifer and Charlie-

-🪲 Nifty is mad at you, she’ll respect you, but she’s mad at you cause you took one of her “bad boys”.

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel imagine #gn reader #lucifer x reader #hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin lucifer #lucifer x you #lucifer morningstar #lucifer x gn!reader #charlie morningstar #charlie x reader #hazbin charlie #charlie x gn!reader

[schrodinger-swriter]

Can I request Sir Pentious with an S/O who's motherly to his egg bois?

Sir Pentious with a Partner who's maternal to his egg boiz

Ooo! I like this idea, it never crossed my mind to do anything with the egg boiz other than Sir Pentious sending them to body guard you... I was so blind..

I hope you enjoy, Anon! C:

Sir Pentious' relationship with his egg boiz is... a little odd! He cries when they're taken away, but once they're back in his arms he commands them to go clean his room in a shout. He does seem to care about them, even dying with all but one of them... and ascending of course but I digress.

You being tender with his eggs makes him treat them a little nicer, almost adopting a father like role with them. It's quite sweet, actually. Sinners cannot have children, so the egg boiz function as a stand in of sorts with them.

You've probably had one of the eggs ask to sleep with you after having a bad dream, Pentious unavailable for one reason or another... it quickly snowballs into the rest crawling into bed with you. The egg boiz are also eager to listen to whatever order you give them, seeing you as a secondary boss alongside Sir Pentious. They even salute at you before running off to do what was asked for them. How cute!

You sometimes pack lunches for them, even if they don't need it... Do they eat..? Actually what exactly are they-

Regardless...

Sir Pentious thinks it's sweet... He probably wanted a family, before he died and even after he died. If this is the closest the two of you can get to that, then he's perfectly fine with that. Sometimes you catch him looking at you with this look in his eyes, one filled with love and admiration. You make him feel soft and gooey inside.

Imagine catching his eye while you're walking with a large cluster of the egg boiz, hand in hand and making sure they don't wander off. It's sweet. It's soft. It's domestic.

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin imagine #hazbin hotel imagine #hazbin x reader #hazbin x you #sir pentious x reader #sir pentious x you #sir pentious imagine

[harleehazbinfics]

Home is where my Heart is.

Chapter 7: Stayed Gone Table of Contents | Profile

Word Count: 1014 A/N: yeah we're going to the singing bits yaaaay. just imagine her voice trying to meld into his and creating this like light airy but enchanting sound on top of his deep and dark tone. cuz yes we love blending and harmonizing in this family. also also alastor will be in bold and miledy in italics and both will be like this for the song. enjoyyyyy (thank you sm transcribers of the wiki id actually die if encoded all of that gshdajsdg)

“This is such a nice day,” I hummed enjoying my tea while Alastor sat opposite of me reading the paper with his coffee and enjoyed the mundane moment together.

Until it wasn’t, as a rocket launches below us. “Come show yourself, Alastor! Come face—oh, there you are. Face my wrath!”

“Who are you?” he jeers enjoying getting on his nerves while I smiled at the two. Al clearly doesn’t dislike him but instead enjoys toying with him, he doesn’t completely shut him down unlike an unpleasant certain someone. I actually find Sir Pentious quite cute how he tries to size Alastor up despite failing several times but he’s got guts I give him that.

“Who am I? Who am I? I am the great Sir Pentious! Inventor! Architect of Destruction! Villain extraodinare!” He announces while the both of us slide within Al’s shadow and appear in front of Charlie and the others.

“Ooh! He’s a bad boy!” Nifty calls as she appears on top of Al’s shoulder.

He takes Nifty and places her in my arms and replies, “Ha, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you.”

“I attacked you literally last week,” Sir Pentious replies, only for Alastor to cock his head, “We've done battle, like... 20 times.”

 “Well, you must have been really bad at this,” he teases putting his cane down.

“Silence! Now cower! For when I've ssslain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as their equal.”

“Ooh! Wait, who are the Vees?” Nifty asks while in my arms.

“Oh, nobody important,” both Al and I respond giving each other a knowing look.

While Al kept beating up the poor lad, I turn my eyes on the drone in the sky noticing the familiar logo on it. A devious smile creeps on my face as I place Nifty on the ground and shot it down with a lance made of water. It falls with a crash conveniently landing on my feet. I crushed it under my heel before turning back to the group.

“Thanks for another forgettable experience,” Al says pleased with himself while he leans on his cane looking down at Sir Pentious.

“Thank you...” he pauses before tearing off a piece of his tailcoat, “for letting your guard down!

“Oh, deer,” I mutter, wide eyed as I watched Al transform into his demon form and makes an explosion that causes the snake to fly off to the distance.

“Well, it looks as though I need a visit to the tailor! Best of luck, chums,” he announces, taking me with him.

“Wait, you're LEAVING?! Alastor! We need your help! We need you to do your job,” Vaggie yells gesturing to the hotel.

“We need a wall,” Angel deadpans pointing at the broken wall.

“Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?!” he exclaims.

With a snap of his fingers his shadows appear with building equipment. He turns away from the group and takes us to the pentagram. We enjoy a little stroll before getting inside the boutique, he got his suit redone while I looked at the new dress they had on display. I bought a couple dresses that caught my eye and exited the building together, only to be greeted by Vox’s unpleasant face singing on the television. We shared a look and went back to Al’s studio with a smile.

“Salutations! Good to be back on the air,” We greeted in sync blending our voices ever so often creating a seductive distortion.

“Yes, I know it's been a while since someone with style treated Hell to a broadcast.” Al starts off while I finish, “Sinners rejoice!”

“What a dated voice!” Vox yells.

I drape my arms around Al’s neck as he sat back on his seat in an easy going way while keeping the microphone to his face and replies, “Instead of a clout chasing mediocre video podcast.”

“Is Vox insecure, pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that. Is nothing working? Ha ha!” we tease him enjoying the annoyance in his voice.

“IGNORE THEIR CHIRPING!”

“Every day he's got a new format!”

“YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FUTURE! He's the shit that comes before that!”

“Is Vox as strong as he purports? Or is it based on his support? He'd be powerless without the other Vees!”

“Oh, PLEASE.”

“And here's the sugar on the cream. He asked ME to join this team!”

“Hold on!”

“I said no, and now he's pissy! That's the tea.”

“You old timey PRICK! I'll show you suffering!”

“Uh oh, the TV is buffering!”

“I'LL DESTROY YOOOOU YOU LITTLE—"

His little temper tantrum leads him to short circuit causing the electricity in the entire pentagram to disappear.

“I'm afraid you've lost your signal.”

“Let's begin.” He sings menacingly slowly transforming to his demon form. “Let's begin.” I sang hauntingly on top of his voice, my eyes turn black leaving my glowing blue irises hypnotically.

“I'm gonna make you wish that I stayed gone!” “Tune on in.”

"When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run!

Oh, this will be fun!"

I laughed in delight, celebrating our wonderful comeback to our radio show. Al gives me smile and stands there quietly enjoying my reaction.

“That was wonderful! We haven’t done that in so long!” I gushed holding onto his hands. “I thought I’d have to wait 200 hundred years to sing with you again.”

He laughs petting my head, “No need for drastic measures, my dear. I’m here to stay.”

I beamed a smile and gave him a brief hug. “I’m guessing you’ll be greeting our new guest,” I asked while fixing his bow.

“But of course! I need to welcome their little toy they reeled in for us,” he smirks, “Have a good rest. I’ll see you later.”

I wave him off before I went back to our room, relaxing in our bed drifting to sleep.

‘Mom! Dad! I found some flowers over here!’

Tears fall down my face as I recall much happier times.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #hazbin charlie #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin husk #hazbin lucifer #alastor x reader #hazbin vaggie #HISWMHI #alastor x oc #alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor

[chaifootsteps]

Look, I like "the show must go on" song but its just so unearned. And there's some moments that I would like to rant about it so sorry if it's long:

So Charlie starting to sing that Pentious did it for them, the "ultimate" sacrifice as if it wasn't a joke death

"This bloodshed could have been avoided if I convinced heaven to work together" YES IT COULD'VE BUT WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO AFTER ALL THOSE 6 MONTHS (and no, Wikipedia would not work)

I'm not going to say anything about the Vee part. All I'm gonna say is that I want Valentino to be death. It just gives nothing to me.

And there's the Alastor part. Its my favorite part of the song but Alastor why are you sad you didn't even do anything about the war, but go boy gives us nothing I guess (this part reminds me of that Sailor Moon "but you didn't do anything" meme)

The part that gives me frustration is that the cast salute Sir Pentious's picture for his death LIKE YOU DONT GET TO ACT LIKE YOU PEOPLE HONORED HIM WHILE HE WAS ALIVE. I'VE SEEN Y'ALL HOW YOU PEOPLE TREATED THAT POOR MAN STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT HIM (Expect Frank the egg boi, he and other eggs truly cared about him)

That's all I'm gonna say about this song

Anon, you've got me picturing this scenario where Frank the egg boi just goes off on everyone in his egg voice for pretending to care about Pentious in death when they couldn't have given less of a shit about him in life. I didn't know I needed this, but I think I need it.

#Anonymous #hazbin hotel critical #viv stuff #actual blog post

[ask-the-radio-demon]

Salutations!! Good to be back on air!!

I'm Alastor, the radio demon!! I'm working with Lucifer's delusional daughter too run the Hazbin Hotel!!! Ask away!!

Rules:

Use common sense

No homophobia, transphobia, racism, or other forms of discrimination

No spamming

Roleplay ask are encouraged

Please don't go into my DMs to roleplay.

Other blogs in this universe:

@ask-the-radio-demon

@ask-charlie-morningstar

@askvaggie

@angeldust-fucks

@huskthebarkeep

@ask-niffty

@ask-sir-pentious-hisshisslord

@ask-the-egg-bois

@ask-lucifer-morningstar

@ask-yourstruly-lilithmorningstar

@vox-tv-demon

@valentino-moth-man

@ask-velvette

@ask-rosie

@zestialtheoverlord

@askcheribomb

If you want to be part of this universe, or if you don't, feel free to message me. - Mod Chaos

Other blogs ran by Mod Chaos:

@kayotic-official

@charlie-channel

@thedecayedbear

@thefacelessrabbit

@thetornchicken

@theruinedfox

@the-amazing-funtime-freddy

@tadc-console

@wario-the-greedy

@molten-charlie

@funtime-charlie

@charlie-the-tv-demon

#alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor the radio demon #hazbin hotel #ask blog #answered #hazbin #ask

[wolfoftheblackflames]

Hello again my misfits. I feel like I've been neglectin' the other ships as of late. So here's one just for you ^^

The Inventor and the Explosive Expert:

It had been a week since Sir Pentious was brought into the hotel. The snake man smiled at his minions as the idiots worked on cleaning his room. "Oh, once you're done with that, I'd like to go into the city for an errand." He stated as Frank saluted.

"Yess sir boss!" The egg replied as he scurried away.

Sir Pentious usually took his blimp, but the thing has been having engine problems. He casually strolled into town since it did feel good to go for a walk every so often. He hummed casually, his head swaying a bit. "Huh?" He blinked hearing an explosion.

"Ha eat shit cock sucker!" A voice boomed as Sir Pentious started to fluff up his frills slightly. He knew the owner of that wonderful Australian accent. Cherri Bomb was seen shoving another bomb into a gunman's mouth and jumping off as it exploded the fool.

The snake demon watched the cyclops in awe. He always loved her brilliant explosive contraptions. He, however, noticed someone trying to ambush her from behind. "Missss Cherri Bomb, look out!" Sir Pentious shouted, alerting the cyclops bombshell.

"Oh, thanks for the heads up, old man!" Cherri grinned as she punched the ambusher. Soon the skirmish ended with the losers running or dead as Cherri laughed dusting herself off.

"Hey Angie did ya get those other fuckers?!" She smirked seeing Angel Dust having a blast with his guns.

"Yep, but looks like there's some more headin' our way!"

"Ah shit, we'd better split up to get those fucks disoriented. I'll meet cha back at your hotel, alright!' Cherri smirked as Angel gave a thumbs up. "C'mon old man!" She grabbed the snake demon to drag him out of the battle zone. But before she could, Sir Pentious dropped a disk like object on the ground.

"What, hey!" He blinked but followed.

"Follow the boss!" Frank ordered as the eggs scurried after the two.

Once out of danger Cherri sighed in relief. "I hate runnin' but those assholes wouldn't quit." She muttered annoyed.

"I left them something fun to deal with for you." Sir Pentious smiled as an explosion was heard. "It's a ssimple contraption but effective when ussed during chaosss." He grinned doing a playful bow.

"Not bad old fart.." Cherri chuckled but hissed softly. The cyclops growled, seeing one of those bullets had grazed her arm. "Fuck.."

Sir Pentious blinked but searched his coat and grumbled. He then smirked, stealing some cloth from an overhang. "Can I wrap your injury, Missy?" He asked as Cherri gave him a 'dafuck' look. "I know you can probably jussst heal with eassse, but I can't sstand by while a young lady iss hurt."

Cherri gave him a skeptical look. "What ever floats your boat edgelord." She shrugged but let him wrap her left arm.

The egg bois yelped as one of them was cracked. "Finally caught up to you fucking bitch!" A bull looking sinner with a shotgun growled with steam coming out of his nose.

"How dare you crusssh one of my minionsss you boob!" Sir Pentious hissed, flaring up his yellow cobra like frills. "Now take thisss!" All his eyes soon emitted a hypnotic trance, forcing the bull to stumble and groan. The snake demon soon slithered over with speed and bit the bull in the neck, injecting the sinner with venom.

"Huh.." Cherri looked amused as the bull sinner started to uncontrollably vomit with Sir Pentious stealing the shot gun.

"A simpleton like you doesn't deserve mercy." The snake demon growled and shot the bull demon sending the sinner flying.

Cherri couldn't help but whistle. "Fuckin' hell mate, didn't know you could handle a gun?" She smirked as Sir Pentious shyly rubbed his neck.

"W-well I wanted to help you... Plus he destroyed one of my many minionsss!" The snake replied being awkward.

"C'mon shit for brains, let's meet up with Angie, eh?" Cherri motioned for him to follow.

The two ran through the back alleyways as soon they didn't have to look far to spy the pink spider demon. "Oh no, Angel Dusst is cornered."

Cherri smirked evilly as five sinners started to close in on Angel. "Got another one of 'em disks?" She asked as Sir Pentious nodded handing her one. "Good cause this is gonna be fun."

With his back against a wall, Angel smirked a bit with his tommy guns out of ammo. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is the start of a bad porno." He cheekily sneered.

He kept his eyes on the goons so as not to alert them to the duo on the buildings behind them. "Hehe a free fuck with the famous porn star? Sounds fun." One sinner who was an ugly slug moved forward.

"You limp dicks couldn't afford my sexy ass." Angel soon brought out his extra two arms and shot the group back with his fresh guns.

"Eat shrapnel cock suckers!" Cherri laughed maniacally tossing in her bombs with one of them attached to the disk. A row of explosions wiped out the first two while the disk one caused a bigger one to pretty much turn the other three into mince meat.

Sir Pentious watched in awe seeing her using his work. "Impresssive Misss Bomb." He grinned watching Cherri jump down. "O-oh uh... I'll usse the sstairsss.."

The snake demon came down to Cherri, clapping Angel Dust on the back with a grin. "Well fuck, it seems like that hotel hasn't made ya soft yet."

"Hey I'm still down for blasting holes into some fucks head sugar tits." The spider replied retracting his third set of arms. "C'mon bet little miss princess and Vagina are getting their panties in a twist right now." He laughed amused.

Sir Pentious slithered over as his Eggs followed. "Mind if I join you?" He asked giving a friendly toothy smile.

"Eh sure." Cherri shrugged looking at Angel.

"Why the fuck not." The spider also shrugged as the unlikely trio made their way back to the Hotel.

And yes, Vaggie was incredibly pissed about it since it was on the news, and Charlie was just a cute sobbing mess to see they're ok.

(Hope you guys liked this one, it got stuck in my head plus I figured I'd give Cherrisnake a go.)

#hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #vaggie #angel dust #sir pentious #cherrisnake #cherri bomb #lots of swearing #the big booms

[gothicgender]

Navigation🕸

Salutations, welcome to my blog. I'm Blake but you can call me blaky or Liu aswell, however you prefer ! To say something about me I use they/them or neutral pronouns and want to become a writer. I may have bad grammar because I'm not english.

Requests - open

Request rules :

I will write for my fandoms because I'm more used to them.

The fandoms I'll write for are Hazbin Hotel, creepypasta, monster high, harry potter and maybe teen titans.

I am comfortable writing fluff, smut, angst, romantic, platonic and other stuff requested...tho I won't write smut that is too freaky or with weird kinks that I'm no comfortable with.

I can write fem, male and gender-neutral reader.

I can write headcanons or small fics about ships I also like because find it more easy then to write a ship I don't see happening or that I personally don't like.

I wouldn't like to be rushed with requests because it can be really stressful !

Do not be afraid to request and be specific with it !

Characters I will write for !

Hazbin hotel :

Chalie

Vaggie

Alastor

Angel Dust

Husk

Sir Pentious

Cherry Bomb

Rosie

The overlords (expect Valentino)

Lucifer

Lute

Adam (probably)

Mimzy (probably)

Katie Killjoy

Tom Trench

Ships I accept :

Charlie x Vaggie

Husk x Angel Dust

Valentino x Velvette x Vox (I believe they are poly)

Sir Pentious x Cherri Bomb

Carmila and Zestrial

Creepypasta :

Jeff the killer

Ben Drowned

Homicidal Liu

Bloody Painter

Ticci-Toby (probably)

Jason the toymaker

Candy Pop

Eyeless Jack

Hobo Heart

The puppeteer (maybe)

Kagekao

Laughing Jack

Nathan the nobody

Jane the Killer

Nina the killer (both versions)

Rogue

Kate the chaser

Nurse Ann

Suicide Sadie

Judge Angels

Clockwork

Zero

Lulu

Laughing Jill

Nemesis

Ships I accept :

Jane the killer x Mary (her canon wife)

Kagekao x Suicide Sadie

Bloody Painter x Judge Angels

Nurse Ann x Dr. Smiley

(other you can suggest)

Monster high (gen 1 or 2) :

Clawdeen Wolf

Draculaura Vike

Frankie Stein

Cleo de Nile

Lagoona Blue

Ghoulia Yelps

Abby Bominable

Jinafire Long

Iris Clops

Operetta

Robecca Steam

Rochelle Goyle

Scarah Screams

Skelita Calaveras

Spectra Vondergeist

Toralei Stripe

Purrsephone and Meowlody

Twyla Boogeyman

Venus McFlytrap

Marisol Coxi

C.A. Cupid

Casta Fierce

Elissabat

Clawdia Wolf

Viperine Gorgon

Deuce Gorgon

Clawd Wolf

Heath Burns

Holt Hyde

Invisi Billie

Jackson Jekyll

Neighthan Rot

Garrot du Roque

Kieran Valentine

Manny Taur

Ships I accept :

Clawdeen x Draculaura

Clawd x Draculaura

Cleo x Deuce

Abby x Heath

Ghoulia x Sloman

Frankie x Jackson

Spectra x Porter

Rochelle x Garrot

Scarah x Billie

Iris x Manny

Harry Potter :

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

Hermione Granger

Fred and George Weasley

Percy Weasley

Lavender Brown

Parvati Patil

dean Thomas

Neville Longbottom

Ginny Weasley

Lee Jordan

Angelina Johnson

Blaise Zabini

Pansy Parkinson

Tom Riddle

Theodore Nott

Daphne Greenglass

Millicent Bulstrode

Cho Chang

Padma Patil

Luna lovegood

Marietta Edgecombe

Penelope Clearwater

Michael Corner

Hannah Abbott

Susan Bones

Cedric Diggory

Ships I accept :

Harry x Ginny

Ron x Hermione

Neville x Hannah

Luna x Rolf

George x Angelina

Teen Titans :

Robin (Dick Grayson)

Starfire

Raven

Beast Boy

Cyborg

Bumblebee

Blackfire

Terra

Madame Rogue

Chesire

Punk Rocket

Ships I accept :

Robin x Starfire

Raven x Beast Boy

Jinx x Kid Flash

This is all so far ! Thank you for visiting my page.

#hazbin hotel #creepypasta #harry potter #monster high #teen titans #writing

[secrethazbinaccountwoah]

Yea hi I made this account for myself, nice to meet you.

So basically, I'm like afraid of being hated on in certain circles I'm in for liking Hazbin just as a show (while I do not support Vivzy in the slightest). So yea. This kinda just.. formed.

...

I wanna reblog radioapple and stuff without being judged. Yahoo.

Occasionally I might make a post, maybe not, who knows.

SHIPS:

Appleradio/Radioapple - I think their dynamic is silly, and could work really well once they learn to get along. Plus Lucifer is very gentle from what we've seen, so I feel like he'd respect Alastor's boundaries, and the two would overall keep the ship queerplatonic (good rep for people like me!!) Also they remind me of Gordon and Benrey from HLVRAI.

Huskerdust - The two are SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOOOOOO sweet with each other, I'm loving their slow growth so far, and you can just SEE them pining for each other OUGH. I also love when people point out that Husk fell in love with Anthony, not Angel Dust. He fell in love with who Ange truly is, and I LOVE that like OUGH it makes my heart ACHE. :'3

Chaggie - They're just a healthy couple, even having some flaws and differences, but they still get along well and resolve conflicts well. Love them, 10/10; also it was practically love at first sight LMFAO.

Cherrisnake - We all know it's canon, it's very very canon, good job Sir Pentious we salute you my boy. I really hope the hotel people can visit him, so that he can see Cherri again GWAH!!!

BOUNDARIES:

Keep the blog SFW if you're going to interact, if you support Vivzy then obviously gtfo and find some other weird shitty blog to follow idk, general DNIs that should just be obvious to the normal person, etc. (Oh yea, take this fucking long ass post, THIS is just a FRACTION of why Viv is horrible.)

I really don't want to interact with creeps or anything like that, and if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say it.

As much as I don't support Vivzy I will not openly promote any kind of hatred of any sort. I want my blog to be a happy safe little space for people to view silly ships and headcanons about the show. I completely separate the show from anything else, and treat it as a seperate thing from Vivzy and things related to her.

This account may also promote some Helluva fanart, while I'm becoming more disinterested in the show with how poorly it's being written, I still love the characters and wish they could be more developed. :)

Besides ALLLLLLL of that, I hope you enjoy your time here.

Feel free to use the ask box in a friendly manner, or if you have any questions to ask about me or the show, etc!

Thas all folks!

#radioapple #appleradio #huskerdust #chaggie #cherrisnake #yippie! #i do not support vivzy #personal blog #sfw blog #safe space #positive environment

[dark-ambition]

Things my version of Sir Pentious does do within the Hazbin canon:

Does:

• Show up to attack the Hotel in an attempt to kill Alastor and ends up ripping off a part of his coat.

• Attempt to infiltrate the Hotel later as a spy for the V’s and is caught by Angel Dust (with the caveat that he was planning on double crossing the V’s the whole time on the grounds of not wanting them to defeat Alastor before him)

• Believe out of paranoia that everyone in the hotel is attempting to murder him afterwards and creates new weaponry to fend them off until Vaggie intervenes

• Get thrown into the middle of a turf war along with Angel Dust by Vaggie and subsequently have to get dragged out by Angel because he has no weapons to fight with (Vaggie having confiscated them all from him)

• Not believe the Eggbois when one of them accidentally lets slip that Carmine killed one of the exorcists

• Bake cookies for Lucifer’s arrival and greets him with a salute when he arrives

• Listen to Mimzy’s story with Angel Dust about Alastor’s past as the Radio Demon

• Save Niffty from being crushed by fallen debris when the loan sharks attack the building

• Get drunk as fuck when Angel Dust takes them all out clubbing and gets wrapped up in an orgy

• Stay behind at the hotel to begin properly fortifying the place when Charlie and Vaggie try to recruit Carmine and Cannibal Town to fight the Exorcists.

• Give a toast to everyone the night before the final battle.

• Stays atop the Hotel balcony to lay down suppressive artillery fire and direct the ground defensive to ward off assaults.

Does Not:

• Try to kill Alastor for the sake of obtaining recognition from the V’s, rather trying to kill Alastor for the sake of his own glory.

• Dress up in a sailor boy outfit with a giant lollipop.

• Panics when he gets caught as a spy and tries to call Vox to get help and then start crying when he gets told to off himself. Instead, he pretends to have been attacked, crushes the wrist watch, and then confesses how he was asked to spy and planned on planting the spy cameras in useless rooms to reduce as much information the V’s could obtain as possible.

• Lay down and ask to be killed quickly while crying

• Start crying when the Eggbois are taken away from him/become overjoyed when they’re given back

• Dive off the trust fall booth in hopes no one catches him because he misses his minions

• Flirt with/try to get with Cherri Bomb through the night at the club in episode 6 (he instead just sneers at her and tries to ignore that she’s there)

• Try and confess his love for Cherri Bomb several times/kiss her during the final battle (he is not attracted to her at all.)

• Die in the final battle. He sends his ship up to Adam with the eggs inside while he stays behind, and when the Hotel is blasted apart by Adam, he digs himself out of the rubble when the battle is over.

#mun post #ooc post #headcanon #((thought I’d make a post clarifying everything my Pentious does and doesn’t do within the canon of the show so far))

[hissing-head-honcho]

"... Don't worry, Sir-General Pentious... Your Egg Bois are in good hands now... Your legacy and sacrifice will be honored... I'll miss you, my friend... My brother-in-arms... Rest in Peace." (Wrxthfulguard)

((*salute*))

#hazbin hotel spoilers #hazbin spoilers

[dontasktheradiodemon]

The Voice That Launched an Airship

At long last, after almost six months grounded, it's time to re-launch Sir Pentious's @usedhearts airship.

Celebratory gifts are exchanged. Celebratory smooches are also exchanged. People are blown up. Don't worry, they probably deserved it maybe.

Telly

Today was the day. Launch day. The day of launching. The special day, specifically for launching the airship.

Telly was giddy with excitement, beaming with a smile so wide it'd make a Radio Demon jealous. He instructed the Eggs, putting the finishing touches, and doing the double and triple checks of all the defenses. There was no way in Hell he was going to let anything bring down this ship again.

"YOU, 444! CHECK THE POWERLINES TO THE SHIELD GENERATORS AGAIN! I DON'T WANT THEM FAILING AT AN INOPPORTUNE MOMENT! AND YOU! 1A, GET YOUR SUBGROUP AND MAKE SURE THE TANKS ARE SECURE! I THINK I SAW SOME SHODDY WELDING LAST I WAS DOWN THERE!"

He coiled before the controls, slowly and methodically going over all of the buttons and switches and dials with keen eyes. "HAS ANYONE SEEN ALASTOR? HE SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW! REPORT!"

A few nearby Eggs shook their heads-- or rather, their whole bodies. Telly took a breath, nudging the case by his coils with the tip of his tail. Alastor would be here. It was an important day for them both, after all.

Alastor

Alastor was back in the storage rooms, triple checking his work. The inner surface of the hull was crisscrossed with a vast array of sigils and seals, carved and painted and welded along the metal like the hull was an oversized inside-out faberge egg. Every once in a while there was a round metal dome welded in place, usually at the crossroads or center points of his sigils, about the size of a baseball mitt; and beneath the domes were additional protective charms he'd made, each one with a single tiny radio at the heart of it, wrapped in a pouch of snakeskin.

It was some of the most ambitious magical work he'd ever done—at least in terms of intellectual work, as opposed to just a demonstration of blunt power. And he wasn't even finished yet; once they were in the air, he and Telly still had to collaborate on incorporating protective magic into the forcefields.

If this worked, this airship was going to be the best defended structure a sinner had ever made. IF this worked. So Alastor was making sure it would work. There was no way in Hell he was going to let anything bring down this ship again.

Telly

Telly checked the clock again-- He'd give Alastor a few more minutes before calling him up to the bridge. He was probably doing checks of his own. Telly's hood flared briefly as he caught an Egg mooing over him-- and quickly coiled his tail around it. He checked the number-- a quadruple digit, good-- and then cracked it open. Telly slurped down the Egg Boi's yolk and tossed the shell aside. The protein would do him good, stressed as he was.

"NINE!" He called. The Egg toddled over and saluted. "Go find Alastor and see if he requires any assistance, and then inform him his presence is requested on the bridge, if he's done."

Nine gave a hearty 'Yessir!' and marched off. It took the Egg a few minutes of searching before he found where Alastor was, and he walked right up to the Radio Demon without fear. The new feather in his hat bobbed, and he tugged softly on the tail of Alastor's coat.

"Mr. Radioman! Mr. Bossman sent me to see if you needed any help! And then to inform you that your presence is request at the bridge, if you're done." Nine hesitated, before reaching into his little suit to pull out something.

"I have something for you too, Mr. Radioman." He held aloft the small locket, popping it open to reveal the bit of snake skin in it. "This is from the Bossman's first shed. I kept it all this time but....I want you to have it."

Alastor

Alastor was so absorbed in his work—music playing in his head, floating red symbols spread out in front of him—that he didn't even notice the approaching Egg until he was tugging on Alastor's coat.

He started. "What—? Oh! Hello..." He leaned over to check. "Number Nine. No, no help needed—I'm finished here." He could check his wards a hundred more times before he was totally satisfied, but he hadn't found anything yet and he probably wouldn't find anything then.

His concentration was totally broken now, anyway—his gaze locked on the locket. What a beautiful trinket. "Really?" He reached for it, then hesitated and asked again, "*Really?* Why me?"

Telly

Nine looked a little sheepish, rubbing his hands over the locket. "I thought you were going to hurt Mr. Bossman like the other you did. I didn't trust you, but you make Mr. Bossman happy. You're doing so much for him, things us Eggs never could. He's been much more like himself lately, thanks to you, too. So...I wanted to show you that I'm grateful for all of that. And that I trust you to take care of Mr. Bossman."

He tugged Alastor's sleeve to bring down his hand, and placed the locket in it. "Take it. I want you to have it. You can use it, right? Like you did the other shed. To protect yourself? I don't know what would happen to Mr. Bossman if he lost you, and I don't wanna know. So use it and stay safe, for him."

Nine stepped back and nodded. "Are you ready to go up to the bridge, Mr. Radioman?"

Alastor

Alastor's smile softened in self-consciousness and surprise. "Aw, well—gee." Golly gee shucks. He didn't think he'd ever be moved by an egg, but here he was. Not just at the show of trust and gratitude, but also at hearing just how much he was helping Telly.

His fingers closed around the locket. "There's powerful magic in a snake's first shed, especially one that's had so much emotion attached to it. I'll be able to make something strong with this." For now, merely having the locket would be enough to serve as a minor lucky charm. "Thank you. I'll take good care of it." And he'd also have to think of a way to return the favor.

"Ready when you are! Lead the way, my good egg!" And as Alastor followed, he surreptitiously undid his bow tie and unbuttoned his collar, just enough to slip the locket on underneath his shirt and undershirt, before putting his clothes back in order.

Telly

Nine led the way indeed! He toddled along, and before long, they were there.

"Number Nine and Mr. Radioman, reporting for duty!" Nine said, saluting to Telly, as he rounded on them. Telly beamed at the sight, slithering over. He patted Nine and sent him off, before leaning in to give Alastor a quick peck.

"There you are! I was beginning to worry you got lost in the bowels of the ship." He cackled, holding Alastor's hand as he slithered back over to the controls.

"I have something to give you before we launch. How did your final checks go, by the by?"

Alastor

"Mr. Radioman, present and accounted for." Peck! "I've spent so much time decorating those bowels I don't think I could get lost if I tried—I'd recognize my place by the individual rivets. The ship's shipshape, cap'n."

His smile widened a bit. "I've got something for you, too! But give me yours first, I'm greedy."

Telly

"Well, alright, Mr. Greedy." Telly grinned, pulling up the case at his coils. He set it on the armrest of the control panel, popping it open. Inside was a beautiful rifle in red and black, with intricate engravings along the barrel. It was deconstructed at the moment, but even so, it was a gorgeous weapon.

"One one-of-a-kind Sir Pentious original hunting rifle, made special for my partner-in-crime." Telly puffed and grinned, preening a bit. "I'd say it's my finest work!"

Alastor

His eyes widened. "*Oh.*" He ran his hands along it. "My word. It's utterly beautiful." He wrapped an arm around Telly and kissed him, then eagerly started assembling his new rifle. "And me with no chance to test it out before we get underway!" He laughed, then lifted it up to aim toward the window along a path with minimal eggs, finger off the trigger but held as though he were imagining aiming it at some prey. "Oh, I love it already. It feels just right."

Telly

"I thought you might. I balanced it perfectly! There's not a thing out of order or off, I quadruple checked every measurement of every piece!" He put his hands on Alastor's shoulders, leaning his head right next to his. Telly pressed a kiss to his cheek, purring.

"Nothing but the best for _my_ partner-in-crime. Perhaps you'll get a chance to test it soon!" He chuckled, slithering back to the controls.

"Final checks are almost done, then we'll get this bird in the air!" He grinned. "But you have something for me too, yes?"

Alastor

"I do!" He set the rifle down, fished around inside a pocket, and pulled out a little red pouch, about the size of a pocket watch but plumper, sealed shut. "Ta-da. Protection for the ship, *and* protection for you, with a little of your skin in it—among other things." He held it out cupped in his hands so that only he and Telly could see it.

"Now, this is a bit of magic I'm never going to be able to teach you to do, but I can tell you how to use it. Keep it on you in your clothes—an inner pocket would do—don't let anybody else touch it, and feed it from time to time. Perfume or cologne will do fine, particularly perfume made with real ingredients instead of petroleum fragrances. Just dab a bit on the bag at the same time you put it on yourself and that'll be plenty. It needs to be fed because it's a living thing—not in the way you or I were living things, but closer to the way the Eggs are—and that's what's going to make it strong."

Telly

Telly looked at the little bag with wide eyes, nodding along with Alastor's words. His head tilted and his tongue flicked. "It feeds on perfume? Interesting. I tend to use natural ingredients for my scents, so that won't be a problem. When I am...not wearing clothing, where should I put it?"

He carefully took the bag, holding it in both his hands to shield it, and gently tucked it into his inner suit pocket.

Alastor

"Hopefully, when you're naked, you'll usually be here," he winked, "so you'll be safe enough with the ship's defenses. You can keep it by the bed or with your toiletries, wherever you can put it on the next morning. Maybe in a box so nobody will pick it up. Just treat it respectfully. If you want to wear it while you're nude, you can hang it from a belt or a necklace."

Telly

"Oh, I'll have to find a nice little box for it, yes. What kind of wood would be good for it? I don't want one that will interfere with it in anyway." Look at him, picking up things like that already. Telly smiled, flicking his tongue at Alastor.

Alastor

His smile widened. "Cedar would do well," he said, wrapping his arms around Telly.

Telly

"Cedar. I think we have some of that, I'll have a few of the Eggs craft a little box for it. Simple enough." He wrapped his arms around Alastor in return, and kissed his forehead.

"Alright, darling, final checks should be nearly done. You ready to see this thing fly?" He grinned and winked.

Alastor

"I can't tell you how ready I am!" He squeezed Telly. "Show me the view from the air!"

Telly

Telly slithered up to his spot at the controls, keeping an arm around Alastor.

"EGGS! FINAL REPORT! FALL IN!" He shouted, the Super Eggs, along with his oldest five filing into ranks. They saluted, reporting that everything was in order and ready to go. Telly nodded, releasing the arm around Alastor to start pressing things on the control panel.

The engines roared to life, the sound thrumming through the whole airship. Telly grinned.

"OPEN THE LAUNCH DOORS!" He shouted. The roof of the warehouse shuddered and split down the middle retracting to allow the ship to begin its steady upward rise.

"POWERING UP ALL DEFENSES! FORCEFIELD ONLINE! WEAPONRY ONLINE! EVERYTHING IS A GO!" He cackled wildly, throwing two levers forward. The ship picked up speed pushing itself high faster. Telly felt his inner ears pop as they ascended.

"**RISE! RISE MY BEAUTIFUL AIRSHIP! MAKE THOSE FOOLS DOWN BELOW TREMBLE IN FEAR AT THE MIGHT OF SIR PENTIOUS! THE SKIES BELONG TO ME ONCE MORE!!**"

Alastor

Don't mind as Alastor starts playing "Flight of the Valkyries"—he thought the moment needed some fitting musical accompaniment. For a moment he stood alongside Telly, like a loyal second-in-command, but it wasn't long before his excitement got the best of him and he flitted through the shadows to the front of the airship, where he could stare down at the warehouses falling away beneath them. The rumbling of the engine in his bones, the sensation of lifting higher and higher, the signals coming in clearer as the buildings blocking them disappeared... This never got old.

He half turned to smile back at Sir Pentious. "And I'd like to see anyone try to take the skies from us this time!"

Telly

"THAT'SS RIGHT! NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THEM FROM USS AGAIN! FIRST THIS SSHIP, AND SSOON A WHOLE FLEET! HELL WILL TREMBLE BEFORE USS, THE ENTIRE PRIDE RING WILL FALL AT OUR FEET!" He was on a roll, eyes wide, teeth bared, hood flared. His tongue flicked rapidly and he cackled. A few more switches switched and keys pressed, and he slithered from the controls to join Alastor at the window.

"LOOK AT THEM, DOWN BELOW, TREMBLING LIKE SSHEEP AT THE SSLAUGHTER! THEY'RE RIGHT TO FEAR! THEY'RE RIGHT TO COWER! OUR MIGHT IS UNLIKE ANY HELL HASS SSEEN BEFORE! THEY SSHOULD JUSST GIVE USS THE TERRITORY NOW AND PRAY WE DON'T DESSTROY THEM!! WE ARE--"

His voice cut off as something started plinking against the forcefield right in front of the windshield, making the field visible in little bursts of red-pink light.

"**WHO _DARESS_ FIRE UPON _SSIR PENTIOUSS_ ON THISS, THE DAY OF MY LAUNCHING!**" He turned to the Eggs. "SSOMEONE GET ME A SSPYGLASSSS!!"

Alastor

Alastor chuckled condescendingly. "Oh my, isn't that *cute!*" He leaned forward, squinted, and adjusted his monocle, as if the theatrical display really helped him better see the insignificant threat below. "It's like throwing a baseball at a tank! If the forcefield was *off,* we probably wouldn't have been able to notice it at all!"

He stepped to the side to let an Egg hand over a spyglass. "Why, we could fly straight past without even acknowledging them," he said lightly; and then, voice distorting, teeth sharpening, added, "**But that doesn't sound fun.**"

Telly

"NO, THAT DOESSN'T SSOUND LIKE FUN AT ALL!" Telly snatched the spyglass, raising it to his eye. He focused on the person or persons down below.

"HM!! IT SEEMSS TO BE A RANDOM GROUP OF SSINNERSS! OH! MAYBE A MINOR OVERLORD. DO YOU RECOGNIZE THEM?" He passed the spyglass over to Alastor to take a look.

Alastor

He took the spyglass and peered through himself. "Hm... I think I've seen their ringleader in the papers." He lowered the spyglass so Telly could see him roll his eyes. "But not on the front page. Or in the first section. Just another little gang of troublemaking wanna-bes with too much heavy artillery."

Telly

Telly smirked, and then the smirk turned into an evil grin. "Well! Why don't we give them a proper greeting!"

At that moment, a rocket launched at the airship. It crashed against the forcefield, blossoming into an explosion that rolled across the shield, rippling like a wave of orange and red-pink. Inside, though, not even the vibrations reached them and Telly sniffed haughtily.

"What do you think, darling? Missiles, heat ray, Gatling gun? How sshould we 'greet' them?"

Alastor

"What a fireworks show!" Alastor laughed. "We might want to reduce that later so we don't lose visibility any time we're shotgunned—but my goodness, if it isn't a colorful show right now!"

He tilted his head in exaggerated thought as he considered his options. "After they went to all the trouble of welcoming us to the skies with a rocket, it would only be polite of us to return the favorite! *Missiles.*"

Telly

"Missssilesss it isss!" He grinned and slithered over to open the weapon panel. He took aim and paused.

"Alassstor, my love, would _you_ like to launch the first missssiless?" Telly winked.

Alastor

"I'd be utterly delighted to!" He practically skipped up to the panel—paused for dramatic tension—and then, with a flourish, launched them.

Telly

The missiles let out a ear piercing screech as they launched-- and _that_ explosion sent vibrations through the ship as they made contact. Telly cackled, bringing up the live feed from the cameras outside-- looked like he could've used that this whole time, to see who they were. In the place of the group was a fiery crater, and some seared chunks of sinner.

"WELL! LOOKSSS LIKE THAT TOOK CARE OF THEM!! AHAHA!!"

Alastor

"Oh what a show! An explosive performance! Too hot to handle! Why, that's the best thing I've seen on the TV in decades!" Alastor laughed along with Telly, loud and malicious. "It's like a reverse ship christening! Instead of smashing a bottle on the ship, it's the ship that does the smashing!"

He grabbed Telly's hands and tugged him into a magically-aided spin. "Look at us, we made it! We really made it! You and me! Back in the sky and back on the saddle! Ready to raise Hell and rain hellfire!"

Telly

Telly laughed, spinning with Alastor. He grinned as he pulled him closer, dipping him to kiss.

"We did! We finally did it! Back in the air, and none can bring us down!" He cackled, pressing his forehead to Alastor's. "I love you so much, my hart!"

Alastor

He flung his arms around Telly to keep himself up as he kissed Telly back, a peppy foxtrot playing in the background around them.

"*I'm walkin' on air, yes walkin' on air—*" He cut off his own singing with a laugh, hugging Telly tighter. "I—love you too." A lump formed in his throat. He kissed Telly again.

Telly

He blinked at the reciprocration of the words, and his face broke into an even wider grin. Telly kissed him back, arms wrapped tight around him. He sighed against his lips, righting them.

"I'm so glad to have you in my life..." He purred, and then turned back towards the controls.

"Darling, would you...like to steer whilst I play?" Telly grinned and winked.

Alastor

He had to nod for a moment before he could work past the lump in his throat to say, "Yes—God, yes, I'd like that more than anything." He said it with the exact sort of voice thick with emotion that was usually reserved for ecstatic weepy girlfriends whose boyfriends have just pulled out a ring. A reasonable reaction to getting to drive a terrifying flying death machine.

Telly

Telly purred, leading him back over to the controls. "Just a moment..."

He searched over the console and flipped a switch. Instantly, all the more complicated controls started to ping on unique radio frequencies. "There we go!"

He kissed Alastor's cheek and then headed over to the organ.

Alastor

"My goodness, is this exciting." He fanned himself with a hand as he followed Telly, as if the sheer excitement had him at risk of overheating. "I can hardly contain myself!"

But he abruptly stopped his little fanning act the moment all the controls started turning on. "It just got a whole lot noisier in here, didn't it!" He laughed. "Say, have you ever seen those one man bands? Musicians with a dozen instruments strapped all over their bodies, playing them all at the same time?" Alastor ran through the frequencies, watching as screens and lights throughout the bridge flashed on. "Give me a few weeks to play around, and I'm going to be one."

For now, though, he'd just figure out navigation. He played for a few seconds with the manual controls, listening to the signals they produced as he directed the ship around; and then he copied them, directing the ship forward via radio signals alone. Oh, this was fun. No—*exhilarating.* "What do you think—a lap around the city? Far enough out not to menace downtown but near enough they can see us?"

Telly

"Oh, yes, that sounds wonderful, darling!" Telly smiled as he took his seat at the organ. He cracked his knuckles, flexed his tail, and started playing. The instrument echoed loudly, able to be heard anywhere in the ship-- and anywhere in the near vicinity outside.

They were going to make SURE everyone knew they were back in the sky.

Alastor

Alastor steered the ship in time to the music, waving his cane like a conductor's baton when he directed it to change course, dancing to the music when he didn't need to issue any commands, singing along whenever he knew the lyrics—sometimes stopping to lean with his back pressed to Telly's back to ensure Telly could hear his singing over the thunderous organ music.

Damn straight, everyone would know they were back—and they were never coming down again.

#usedhearts #chat log #((alastor was Not at work today; he was here doing this.)) #((however he asked Valera to cover for him at work. a fake Alastor went to rehearsal.))

[snarkybluechristian]

Hazbin Hotel: Satan’s Plan Part 6 (Collab with Dinobot King)

Version:1.0 StartHTML:000000203 EndHTML:001989919 StartFragment:001971031 EndFragment:001989887 StartSelection:001971031 EndSelection:001989883 SourceURL:https://www.fanfiction.net/docs/docs.php

Outside of the Happy Hotel, Angel Dust was smoking a cigarette while staring thoughtfully at the sky.  

“Mag, Cass,” Angel said with a sad smile to the two people on the other side of eternity he prayed could hear him.  “I might be a little delayed on my arrival.  I fucked up yesterday.  Big time.  I’m sorry.  I already told Charlie and God, so I figure I should say it to you, too.  I just couldn’t say no to Cherri.  I struggle with havin’ a back bone.  I ain’t a natural at being a good person like you two were, but I know I got it in me somewhere.  Just be patient and ask the Man Upstairs to help me out please.  I’ll be there soon…”

Angel took one more drag from his cigarette before he finished it and pitched it.  He looked into his box of cigarettes and saw that there were two left, so he thoughtfully placed them into the pocket of his coat and said, “And I’ll smuggle you two some cigarettes to make up for making ya wait on me for so long.”

As he tossed the cigarette box into the garbage, Angel noticed a familiar-looking group of demons walking towards the hotel, the same group of demons that he helped his friend Cherri fight the day before.

“Boss, that’s Angel Dust,” one of the Egg Bois said grabbing onto his hat and pointing ahead.

Sir Pentious looked ahead to see that his minion was telling the truth.

“Oh, great!” Sir Pentious growled rubbing his temples in dismay.

“Boss, what do we do?” the other Egg Boi said hiding behind his boss for protection.

Sir Pentious took a deep breath, tightened his bow tie, and said, “Just let me do the talking.”

Angel and Sir Pentious stared each other down as the latter and his minions slithered closed in.  Shockingly enough, Sir Pentious and Angel didn’t say anything to each other once they were close enough.  They only glared at each in a tense silence until Sir Pentious turned away to slither to the front door while his minions rode on his tail hoping to avoid a confrontation altogether.

“Pentious,” Angel finally said breaking the silence and crossing his arms.  

“Dust,” Sir Pentious replied coldly without turning around.  

“What are you doing here?” Angel asked advancing towards him until he was practically right on top of him.  

“What?” Sir Pentious asked turning around.  “The Happy Hotel is open to all.  Is it not?”

“Not to you.  You ain’t welcome here.”

“The last time I checked the hotel was open to all demons, so I suggest you leave me be.”

Sir Pentious tried turning around, but Angel pulled him off the door and threw him on the ground causing the latter to drop his luggage and his Egg Bois to cower by the door.  

“I’m only givin’ you one warning, pal,” Angel said standing directly over him.  “Scram right now, or you’re gettin’ rubbed out.”

“Oh, piss off, you naff slag!” Sir Pentious yelled back as he sat himself up.

“I have no idea what the hell that even means, ya dick,” Angel retorted.  “Why don’t you try speakin’ more modern English?”

“He said you were a tacky slut,” an Egg Boi said.

“Hey!” Angel Dust said hopping on top of him and moving his face closer until they were practically touching.  “I may be a slut, buddy, but I sure as hell ain’t tacky!”

“Angel, what’s going on?!” Vaggie yelled as she ran past the Egg Bois to where Angel had Sir Pentious pinned to the ground.

“This pretentious piece-of-shit was trying to break into the hotel,” Angel said finally allowing himself and Sir Pentious to stand up.

“I was not!” Sir Pentious protested.  “I was entering through the front door.  That can hardly be called ‘breaking in.’”

Vaggie pointed a spear in his face and said, “I don’t care what you were doing.  Piss off right now or…”

“Vaggie, cut it out!” Charlie yelled from behind them.

The princess ran around her friends and stopped to catch her breath before she said, “Let’s hear what he has to say.”

Sir Pentious picked up his hat that had fallen off in the scuffle, stroked his frill, straightened up his clothes, took a deep breath, and said, “Salutations, your highness.  I know we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, and I would like to apologize.”

Sir Pentious bowed deeply while swallowing his pride and biting his lip.

“Yeah,” an Egg Boi said while he and his partner ran beside their boss and followed his lead.  

“We’re super sorry,” the other Egg Boi said.

Vaggie scoffed and said, “If you think Charlie’s just gonna forgive you after all that you put us through yesterday, you have another thing coming.”

“Vaggie, hang on,” Charlie said before gesturing towards the door.  “Why do you have suitcases?”

Sir Pentious stood up, put on his best fake smile, and said, “Well, isn’t it obvious?  We’re checking in.”

Angel and Vaggie’s faces fell in complete shock, but Charlie…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Charlie screamed so loud that it sent out a shockwave that broke the hotel’s front doors and caused everyone else to keel over in pain as they did their best to cover up their ears.  “THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!”

In the next second before Sir Pentious even had time to straighten himself up, Charlie wrapped her arms around him so tightly that his frill spread and his eyes were practically popping out of their sockets before she let go and used both of her hands to shake Sir Pentious’ hand vigorously.  

“Oh, thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you, Sir Pentious!” Charlie squealed excitedly.  “I promise you will not regret this!”

As nausea wracked his body, Sir Pentious clutched his stomach and mumbled, “Too late.”

Charlie grabbed onto his hand and quickly pulled the snake demon behind her while she said, “Angel, could you grab their luggage?  Thanks!”

The Egg Bois carried their suitcases in while following their boss inside leaving Angel and Vaggie dumbfounded.

As soon as Sir Pentious and Charlie reached the front desk, she ran behind the counter, opened the guest book, and looked back at him.

“So, Sir Pentious, you want to be rehabilitated so you can go to heaven, right?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, your majesty,” Sir Pentious replied leaning against the counter so he could regain his balance from the constant movement of the past few minutes.

“And what about your minions?”

“They follow me wherever I go, so different members will be cycling in and out with me.  I figured I shouldn’t overwhelm your hotel by bringing all of them at once.  Besides, I need some of them to watch over my home.”

“That’s quite considerate of you, but we could always expand,” Charlie said writing the information down in the guest book.  “We have plenty of rooms anyway.”

“No, one room should be fine for…OWWW!” Sir Pentious yelled as his suitcase flew straight into the side of his head before falling on the ground.  “Who threw that?!”

“Oh, did that hit your face?” Angel asked sarcastically walking to the front desk.  “Sorry about that.”

Sir Pentious glared at him as Vaggie strode over next to him and asked, “Snake demon, why are you really here?  What are you up to?”

The snake demon was angry, but he knew he couldn’t lose face.  

So, instead, Sir Pentious looked back at Charlie and said, “If this is how you’re going to treat us, maybe we should just go!”

“No, don’t go,” Charlie said vaulting over the front desk as quickly as she could and pulling Angel and Vaggie aside.  “Just let me talk to them for a second!”

“Charlie, what the hell are you doing?  Don’t you know who this is?!” Vaggie loudly whispered while her head gestured towards the snake demon.  “Why the fuck are you letting him into the Hotel?”

“Guys, please, this is really important,” Charlie whispered.  “Just think.  Once we have Sir Pentious rehabilitated, he won’t be causing any more turf wars.  It will be wonderful.  This is a sign of good things.  It looks like Divine Favor is shining on us at last, guys.”

“Charlie, slow down a second,” Angel whispered harshly.  “This is the demon who tried to kill me yesterday.  You really think he’s up to anything good?  I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, kid, but I have to agree with Vaggie on this one.”

“Look, I know we’ve had some bad history, but I think he might be willing to change.  So, let’s just give him a chance.  Please….” Charlie said shining her large puppy-dog eyes shined in a helplessly cute way that cut Vaggie and Angel to their cores.

“Come on, Charlie,” Vaggie begged.  “Not the eyes.  Argh!  Fine, but I’m keeping an eye on him.”

“Ditto,” Angel said reluctantly nodding his head.  

“Well, can we check in?” Sir Pentious asked.

“Yes!” Charlie yelled running over and vaulting back over the front desk.  “Alright, we have a room available on the second floor and we have a large selection of meal plans that you can buy…”

“In other words, not everything here is free, pal,” Angel quipped.

“Angel, that’s not nice,” Charlie said.  “Leave him alone…”

Sir Pentious dropped a large bag of gold on the front desk that was bigger than the guest book.  The three demons were left speechless.

Sir Pentious looked at his nails and said, “Will this cover the first month’s expenses?”

“Most definitely,” Charlie said excitedly handing Sir Pentious a key.  

Sir Pentious took the key and said, “Thank you.  My Bois and I will go get settled in.  Don’t be afraid to knock.”

The snake demon and his minions picked up their luggage and started walking away.  As the three of them passed by, Vaggie glared suspiciously while Angel made an “I’m watching you” gesture with his hand.  

Sir Pentious didn’t respond but kept walking away along with one Egg Boi while the other lingered behind and gave Angel and Vaggie the bird.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Charlie said getting between them.  “Run along.  We have a meeting to prepare for.  Vaggie, would you mind putting the gold in the vault?”

The Egg Boi listened closely to the last bit of conversation before he ran to catch up with his boss.

#hazbin hotel #fanfiction #sir pentious #hazbin angel dust #charlie hazbin hotel #hazbinhotelvaggie

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Hardboiled In Hellkia

Alastor and Telly @usedhearts get DISGUSTINGLY DOMESTIC and shop for furniture at Ikea.

And by "shop for furniture" I mean "break in during the night to steal furniture." And by "Ikea" I mean "the Hell version of Ikea, which is laid out exactly the same as the Earth, except they have antique Louis XIV style ebony desks and elaborately-embellished crystal-studded red velvet chaise lounges."

They also take the opportunity to convince the Egg Bois that Alastor isn't a threat by casually letting them witness just how much Alastor really likes their boss. It succeeds too well. The Eggs catch them making out. Repeatedly.

Also featuring: Alastor and Telly not shutting up, at all, for a second, about anything. They talk about everything from "what were your religious beliefs like before you died" to "what if we made a machine that produces emoji-shaped pasta."

Alastor

Midnight in Hellkia—which is exactly the same as regular Ikea except along with the normal stores with furniture made of particleboard, there's also the rare disgustingly expensive store where every piece of furniture is a one-of-a-kind designer piece, and the dining area is covered in white tablecloths and lit by candlelight. You can still get those Swedish meatballs, though. Not everything in Hell sucks.

Naturally, when the store was closed at night, the doors and windows were bristling with motion sensors and alarms—which was why Alastor wasn't using them. Instead, a portal opened in the lobby, allowing him, Sir Pentious, and several particularly trusted Egg Bois to enter the store. "Last stop, everybody off the ride!" He waited until they were through, then turned to peer into the dark store. "Now let's see, where to start..."

Telly

Telly slithered out of the portal, none the worse for wear-- he really was getting used to travelling that way, amazingly. The Eggs, however, hadn't fared so well. Three of them were on their backs groaning, one was just sitting there staring at his hands, and the last one, well....he was vomitting on the floor. How that was possible, Telly didn't know.

"OH COME NOW, PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!" He commanded, hands on his hips. The Egg Bois slowly collected themselves and lined up, standing at attention. The five that had lasted the longest. Numbers 9, 22, 14, 36, and 69. His most trusted Eggs. Telly nodded to the Eggs and they fell in behind him.

"Alright, Alastor, this is for your room, so-- where to first?" He asked, still in his commanding Sir Pentious pose.

Alastor

It took him a moment to answer—he just discovered this place had maps, folded up in little pamphlets next to the door. Why did it have a *map*—Oh. Oh that's why. Wow.

"Goodness, look at this." He put a hand on Telly's shoulder and held out the map. "I feel like a minotaur in a maze."

Telly

Telly leaned his head to look at the map, inspecting it. He let out a low whistle. "At least it's organized. Not all willy-nilly. So, do you think chairs first, or tables? Oh, there's a whole section for lamps." He turned to flick his tongue at Alastor's cheek.

Alastor

He tilted his head closer to let Telly flick his cheek, and traced his finger along the map's recommended route through the store. "Looks like if we take the scenic route, we'll pass by the shelves and bookcases before we reach the chairs and tables. I'm going to need bookcases too, what do you think? Go the long way?" He fluttered his eyelashes adoringly. "Take a lovely midnight stroll together?"

Telly

"Mm! Yes, I'd be more than happy to take a lovely midnight stroll with my hart through the Hellkea." He batted his eyes back at him, before kissing his cheek.

"Oh!" He snapped at one of the Eggs-- #14-- and held out his hand. 14 put a little wallet in his hand and he popped it open. He pulled out a rifle bullet and smiled at Alastor. "I brought the tracking bullets! So that if we find something you like, but aren't sure about it, we can mark it with one of these and then circle back!"

Alastor

"Well, aren't you smart!" As if Alastor didn't already know that. "How many do we have to play with?"

Telly

Telly did a quick count. "Twenty five! I made quite a number of these, they're easy. To activate them you just--" He held one upright and then twisted the tip of the bullet. Alastor would be able to sense the signal, but it made no other indication that it was active.

Alastor

He could feel it the moment it came out, like a very near very weak radio station, signal on but broadcasting dead air. "Brilliant!" He slid an arm around Telly to squeeze him affectionately. "And I can't wait to see the wonderful toy you're making me to go with these."

Telly

"I think you'll like it." He smirked, winking at him. He turned the bullet off and put it back into the wallet, handing it to #14 again.

"Just let 14 know when you'd like to mark something, he'll take care of it. Won't you, 14?" He looked down at the Egg.

"Yessir, Mr. Bossman!" 14 saluted and then gave a thumbs up.

Telly looped an arm around Alastor's waist, kissing his cheek again. "Shall we, my love?"

Alastor

For a second, he'd almost been able to forget the eggs were there at all. He nearly pulled back from Telly on instinct, but tightened his hold again. Being witnessed was... still new.

"Let's." A returned kiss, and he led the way into the furniture labyrinth.

Telly

First on the tour of Hellkea, it was the living room section. Look at all those fancy couches, and shelves, and other things that belong in living rooms! Telly grinned, turning to look at Alastor.

"Well, I know what _I_ like but this is for you, so, anything look good to you?"

Alastor

Look at all of those couches. Each one was thousands upon thousands of dollars—hand carved wood and brocade and leather... And he could take his pick of them, couldn't he?

"I don't know if I'm going to need a couch, really. It's not going to be that kind of room." So he said, but he immediately settled himself down on one of the couches to see how it felt. "You know, I don't know if I've ever been in a furniture store like this! I've never really needed to... to furnish a place before."

Telly

Telly nodded, slithering over to sit next to him-- as well as he could. It took a lot of manuvering to get it done but he did it.

"Yes, it can be overwhelming! Do you want me to help any? I've furnished many a place before. I know we need a desk and a work table, perhaps some nice comfy chairs for reading? Or a couch like this, if you prefer. We could also get a couch for a sitting room, I plan on adding one eventually. Once I have others for holding supplies and whatnot."

Alastor

"Maybe, maybe. I don't know if I need help *now,* just... Well, I've only ever seen the inside of a big furniture store like this in picture shows! It's... exciting, I suppose!" Exciting and weirdly emotional, this transition back into a world he'd cut himself off from—a world with things like welcome mats and hand towels and spaces that were used by *residents* rather than *customers* and furniture for the exclusive use of one person.

"A sitting room. Yes, a couch would be nice, if we happen to find one we like." He looked around at the available couches. "We could keep it on the bridge until we have the room set up for it."

Telly

"I was thinking just the same. Somewhere for you to sit while I play." He grinned, leaning over to kiss Alastor's cheek again.

"Maybe one a little more snake friendly than this one, my tail's already complaining at this position." Telly chuckled. He stood and slithered over to a couch with a back but only one arm-- like a lounge seat but with added bits.

"I like this..." He draped himself over it and purred.

Alastor

"I kind of like standing two inches behind you while you play." Alastor stood to follow Telly.

Seeing Telly draped over a chaise lounge was such a natural sight—and such a familiar one, even if not familiar due to *this* snake—that it almost hurt his heart to see.

"You look good on it." He bent over to kiss Telly's forehead. "How about this: I'll check out the bookcases while you try out the sofas to see which ones are comfortable enough for you, and then I'll try out your picks to see what we both like?"

Telly

Telly smiled at the forehead kiss, then nodded. "Alright, that works. Take a couple of the Eggs with you, just in case you find something perfect so they can disassemble it."

He looked over at the Eggs, stroking his chin. "NINE, FOURTEEN, AND SIXTY-NINE, GO WITH ALASTOR. DO WHATEVER HE SAYS, TREAT HIS WORD AS MINE."

The Eggs didn't look exactly happy about it, but they saluted and went to gather by Alastor. Telly, meanwhile, got up to slither over to another chaise.

Alastor

"I was just about to kidnap fourteen to get those bullets." He squeezed Telly's shoulder, checked his map, and gestured to the eggs to follow him. "All right, boys—let's march!"

As he walked, he got himself ready for the furniture hunt ahead: pulling his grimoire out of his travel trunk dimension, sliding out a few papers he'd tucked into the grimoire, and stowing the grimoire again so he had room to flap the papers and let them unfold themselves into a paper model of his room-to-be. Only walls and floors, with the door and window drawn on with pencil, but having a scale model helped him figure out what he was doing.

With that set up, he beamed down at the eggs following him. "Well, isn't this a fun little excursion!" It was pretty clear that they were not, in fact, having fun at all.

Telly

No they weren't. Or, well, two of them weren't. Sixty-nine  at least kept a more neutral Eggpression, but Nine was outright glaring. It seemed he expected, as the favored Egg, to stay with Sir Pentious. But then there was Fourteen, who was positively beaming.

"Where to first, Mr. Radioman?" Fourteen asked, little hands wrapped around the wallet of tracker bullets. It seemed that having a job, even if it was just holding the bullets, made him happy to do anything else.

Alastor

Well, at least one of the Eggs was in a good mood! Alastor favored the other two with an extra wide smile. He knew he should be trying to get along with them, but he couldn't resist the urge to irritate them a little.

"'Shelving units'!" He put finger quotes around the term, leaving his model of the room to hover by itself, then glanced around. "Which so far seems to mean 'stands for oversized TVs,' doesn't it?" He tutted. But what a wide variety of styles they came in! Most of the TV stands looked boringly "sleek" and modern, but just getting this far had led them past example living rooms that would have been fit for anyone from a rococo duchess who'd bought up half the silk in Europe to a corrupt oil baron with a leather fetish. Hopefully the bookcases would be similarly diverse.

"We're going to want a large matching set of bookcases! I'm lining both walls! The sophisticated study look! Ebony would be ideal, but any wood that's good for protection and deflection will do!" Alastor they're not gonna know what woods those are, they're eggs.

Telly

Sixty-nine and Nine shared a look-- a look that said they didn't know what woods those were, and they were rather irritated at having to do what Alastor said. Sixty-nine, however, still saluted and ran off to start looking over the bookshelves. Nine split off to go in the other direction, spreading out to cover more ground. No salute from him.

Fourteen stayed by Alastor, smiling back up at him. "I should stay by you, Mr. Radioman, in case you need to mark something with these!" He held the wallet of bullets over his head, like he was presenting them.

Alastor

He caught that look. Ah, right. "Just let me know if you find any large bookcase sets, I'll worry about the wood!" Who knew how thorough a job they'd do, though. Alastor might have to go through after them to double-check.

Now came the hard part of the trip: attempting to bond with the eggs.

"A fine idea!" Fourteen got a pat for that. "At least *you're* not waiting to bolt off at the first opportunity, are you?"

Telly

Fourteen blinked at the pat, momentarily confused-- what was that? Positive attention? A little pat just for him? Oh, look at those eyes go all big, and his smile could rival Alastor's own. Seemed he got the approval of one Egg-- though, considering he'd already been pretty pleased by things, who's to say if it's more that or Alastor. Or if it'll last.

"Don't mind Nine and Sixty-nine, Mr. Radioman. They don't like you because of what the other Mr. Radioman did! They remember...." He seemed to recall something and his smile turned into a frown, though it was more sad than angry.

"I do, too..." He said, as if he really had only remembered just now.

Alastor

Alastor's smile thinned. "Yes, well. The *other* Mr. Radioman has poor taste!" He raised his voice a tad, hoping maybe the other two eggs felt like eavesdropping. "I can't undo what he did, but I'm certainly going to do everything in my power to fix it! And they don't need to take my word for it—all they have to do is watch and see."

Telly

That brightened Fourteen's disposition again and he smiled back up at Alastor. "Okie-dokie!"

He toddled after Alastor, humming tunelessly until another thought appeared in his empty shell. "I think you already make Mr. Bossman happy! He smiles a lot more when you're around!"

Alastor

"Does he!" Don't mind the sappy-happy background music that spontaneously turned itself on. "Good! There's nothing I like more than to see him smiling!"

Telly

"Yeah! I like to see him smile, he has such a handsome smile." Fourteen sighed wistfully, giving a pretty dopey smile himself.

"What else do you like about Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman?"

Alastor

"Doesn't he just!" Aside from the fangs, Alastor's smile didn't look very much less dopey. Typically, mooning over Sir Pentious in a conversation on the same intellectual level as *an Egg Boi* would be humiliating—but Alastor's whole goal was to get on their level, wasn't it? He was trying to wiggle his way into their good graces. So he gave himself permission to not feel self-conscious as he gushed freely. "Why, what *don't* I like about him! The way he slithers... the way he laughs... his ruthless, devious schemes... his utterly awe-inspiring engineering mind... his stunning sense of style... I could go on!" (He might have remotely activated his phone to start recording his gushing for Telly.)

Telly

"Oh! Yes, I like all those things too! He's very smart and talented and handsome! He's the best!" Fourteen beamed as he did a little dance while he walked-- just bouncing from foot to foot.

"He's so very handsome!! And his style, yes! It makes me happy to be able to wear clothes kind of like his!!"

Alastor

"Smart, talented, handsome—*and* he has his minions wearing matching pinstripe suits! The attention to detail! How many other overlords have that kind of consistency in their workforce's style? Not very many!" He sighed wistfully, "I suppose I'll eventually be wearing a gold and grey suit too, won't I? Someday when the alliance is public!"

Telly

"I think you'd look handsome in it, too!" Fourteen tapped his shell where regular people had a chin.

"Your eyes would stand out, but with your hair like that it'll work!!" He smiled again. Fourteen fell quiet, plodding along with Alastor.

"Do you have a favorite part of Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman? I like Mr. Bossman's tail! It's so shiny and smooth! Me and the other four here tonight, we're the ones who get to help Mr. Bossman scrub off all the grease! We're special." Fourteen laughed.

"We get to touch him, it's such an honor!"

Alastor

"Maybe that will help keep people's eyes up where they belong! All gray except for the eyes and the lips."

Alastor had, by this point, so successfully gotten un-self-conscious that he'd essentially completely forgotten he was talking to an egg. He hadn't realized how desperate he was for somebody to gush to. "Oh, goodness, favorite part!" He stopped walking, distracted from checking tags to see what wood each bookcase was made from to close his eyes, summon up a shadow in vaguely the same shape as Sir Pentious, and see where his hands went. "His tail *is* lovely—where the contrast in his scale colors is the sharpest, and those stripes, and watching how he *moves*... And I'm incredibly fond of his mouth, of course, fangs and tongue alike... But, I think..."

When his hands finally stopped moving across the shadow—over hips, waist, chest, shoulders, ribs—he was rested holding the shadow in a loose embrace, hands on its back, cheek to its shoulder, lips hovering over its collarbone as he spoke. "His back." He slightly turned his face and his lips into the shade's throat. "Or perhaps his neck. I always seem to end up here." Yeah he's definitely forgotten who he's talking to.

Telly

Fourteen watched this whole display with a sort of awe only and Egg Boi could display.

"Oh, golly, you're right, Mr. Radioman! Mr. Bossman has so many wonderful parts! I like the way his hood flares all big when he's proud of something! Oh, and his cackle! And the way all his eyes follow you when you move around his tail!"

Good job, Alastor, you got the Egg gushing too. Fourteen sighed dreamily, hugging the wallet of bullets to himself.

"You kiss him, don't you, Mr. Radioman? What's it like?"

Alastor

Alarms went off in Alastor's head as he IMMEDIATELY REMEMBERED WHO HE WAS TALKING TO OH NO—no wait this was the plan. That was what Telly said: the Eggs would respect Alastor if they knew he was physical with the boss. (Which was *ridiculous*, but that was par for the course with the Eggs.) Everything was going according to plan. Anyway, Alastor and Telly were getting a lot freer with the nuzzles and light smooches in front of the Eggs, it wasn't like they *wouldn't* notice.

The shadow poofed away now that its job was done; it didn't feel like Telly, anyway. "Yes! Yes. I do kiss him. It's like..." He was all prepared to talk about how it was like what he imagined Heaven must feel, it was like tearing into the tenderest raw meat and feeling the blood spill down his chin, it was like those rare bright beautiful moments as a child when he'd had the communion wafer placed on his tongue and been sure he could feel himself swallowing God...

And then he remembered who he was talking to. So he said, with great solemnity and importance, "It's like the most delicious thing you've ever tasted, but a hundred times better."

Telly

Fourteen nearly swooned at that, clutching the wallet tighter against him, for the support. An emotional support wallet.

"Oh, golly gosh, it sounds wonderful." Was the Egg blushing? The Egg was blushing. Oh, and then he lifted the wallet to cover his little Egg face, that was kind of cute.

"You're very lucky to be able to kiss Mr. Bossman!"

At that moment, Nine came trotting back over. He glanced between Fourteen's euphoria and Alastor, squinting.

"Mr. Radioman, I think I found a set of shelves for you."

Alastor

"Oh, I certainly am! The luckiest man in Hell!"

Ah, back to business. Hopefully that gossip would spread like wildfire among the Egg Bois. (... And hopefully no further.) Alastor stopped his phone's recording and texted it to Telly—he deserved to hear his partner-in-crime make an utter fool of himself flattering Telly. "Lead the way, my good Egg!"

Telly

Nine turned to trot back the way he'd come, pointing out the shelves. "I couldn't find ebony, but these ones are red."

They were mahogany to be precise, and it was quite a set, about ten full sized bookshelves.

Meanwhile, Telly lounged, hard at work trying sofas. He saw the audio file and turned his phone down low to listen. He snickered at it, but another part of him was flattered.

He handed off his phone to Thirty-six to take a picture of him dramatically sprawled over the couch he was trying.

He inspected the picture-- it was a good one. He captioned it with 'kiss deprived' and sent it off to Alastor.

Alastor

"Oho! Aren't these handsome!" He examined the bookcases critically. "Nice little decorative flourishes... Mahogany isn't the strongest shield, but it's sturdy; I can put some wards on the back panels and line any shelves I put something volatile on... and I *do* like the color..." He pulled a tailor's measuring tape from his pocket, handed it to a shadow to measure the dimensions of one of the bookcases, and glowing red projections of the bookcases appeared inside Alastor's paper room. "They're a few inches shorter than the ceiling, good... A little wide to fit all ten on the walls... I could take eight, *or* put the other two on either side of the door..." He beamed at the eggs. "I'd call these solid contenders! One bullet, please!" He wasn't going to be done until he'd finished examining all the available options, but these were well worth marking for later.

He couldn't sneak a look at his phone until after he'd checked out the bookcases. His grin widened. That poor man, all alone and suffering! "You two keep browsing, I'll catch up with you in a minute. The boss has requested I report in." He vanished into a shadow.

And reappeared in the sofa section. Now, where was Telly sprawled?

Telly

Fourteen handed him a bullet to mark the bookcase and saluted when he went. Right before Alastor transported, he could see Fourteen start whispering to Nine immediately. Seemed like the plane was working.

Telly, meanwhile, had unsprawled and was commanding the two Eggs with him to deconstruct a couple chaise lounges and a couch. But when he spotted Alastor he immediately threw himself back onto the chaise he'd been on, properly dramatic.

Alastor

Three seats? They were getting ready to entertain a whole party, weren't they?

Alastor smirked as he caught sight of Telly flopping back down, and then got properly dramatic himself. "Oh, look at you! You poor, deprived thing!" He clutched his chest as he walked up to Telly's chaise, monologuing the whole way. "How it pains my heart to see you suffering like this! What a fool I was to leave you behind!" He stopped in front of Telly, bent down over him... and caught himself with his hand on the armrest, pressing his other hand to the back of his forehead. "Oh, if only there was *something* I could do to help you! Anything at all to ease your torment!"

Telly

Telly had kept his eyes closed for the speech, but cracked one open at that last line.

"Kisses...." He said, voice purposefully soft. "Only kisses can save me..."

Alastor

He dropped to his knee and clutched Telly's hand in both his own, as if he was at a loved one's deathbed. "Then you can still be saved? Oh, but will *my* kisses be enough? After I so callously abandoned you, darling, how could I possibly be the one to save you?" The heaviest of broken-hearted sighs. "But! I'll do my best." He kissed Telly's knuckles. "For you, *mon roi,* I must." Then the back of his hand, then his wrist.

Telly

Telly was smiling by the kiss to the back of his hand, and almost giggling at the wrist kiss. His eyes fully opened and he purred, looking down at Alastor with all the love that could fit into the face of a snake man.

Alastor

He continued to trail kisses up Telly's arm, every few pecks stopping to add to his laments: "To think! It's all my fault you're in this condition! I'll never forgive myself! At the vary least—dare I dream?—I might yet earn your forgiveness, my darling..." He trailed off as his kisses crossed from Telly's collar to his throat.

Telly

He'd been restraining giggles the whole way-- until Alastor reached his throat. That earned a soft gasp, and a tilting of his head to invite more.

"I think I can be presssuaded to forgive you, sshould you continue like that...."

Alastor

"*Anything* to redeem myself in your beautiful eyes." He was hamming it up like nobody's business. He was gonna earn a Tony for this performance. He still hadn't let go of Telly's hand, instead now holding it up to his own face, gently encouraging Telly to wrap around him. And his kisses trailed up, up, up Telly's throat, to his jaw, to the corner of his mouth, to... his cheek, to his temple, to his forehead...

Telly

Telly didn't need any encouragement to cup Alastor's cheek, nor to wrap his hand around and hold his head. The giggles almost returned at the kisses all over his face, but he did pout a bit at Alastor teasing so close to his mouth.

"I think I need mouth to mouth, it's the only thing that can save me now." He grinned.

Alastor

"Are you *sure?*" Alastor asked, teeth grazing the edge of Telly's hood. "Well. I suppose you're the expert..." Back down to press the lightest, most chaste kiss to Telly's lips.

Telly

The hood shivered under the kiss-- Oh that felt interesting. Alastor had never kissed his hood before. But then there were lips on his lips and he chased the kiss with more of his own. The hand around Alastor's head kept him close-- no getting away now!

Alastor

"More?" Alastor murmured. "Are you sure? In your condition, I'd hate to overwhelm you with too much too fast." But he was losing the battle to act aloof, nipping at Telly's lips between words.

Telly

Telly didn't respond, except to kiss him more, his free hand gripping Alastor's coat to make his hold even more secure. He pulled Alastor closer, mouth opening for him, tongue flicking to invite him.

Alastor

Alastor lost the battle to keep acting goofy. He pressed into the kiss, half standing to slide a knee onto the chaise, holding himself up with one arm and wrapping the other under Telly's shoulders.

Telly

Telly whined softly into his mouth, the hand clutching his coat releasing to slide underneath. His claws dug into Alastor's side, squeezing briefly before moving to the small of his back, pressing there to push him closer. His other hand tangled into Alastor's hair, his fangs dragging against his lip.

Alastor

He shuddered at the claws digging into him, and automatically slung his leg over Telly's tail so that he could lay fully atop him. What he wouldn't give to stay right here, doing exactly this, for the next, oh... twelve hours or so...

... And hope the employees coming in decided not to say anything about it, right? Yeah, *that* was likely. He eventually broke the kiss with a sigh, nuzzled Telly's cheek, and murmured, "We should get this sofa. I like this sofa."

Telly

"Mm, I like it, too." Telly purred, nuzzling back, his tongue flicking against Alastor's cheek. "We should definitely get it. Everyone needs a good kissing couch."

He snickered and turned his head-- and his eyes widened. There were five Eggs just staring at them. Telly had forgotten he'd even brought Eggs Bois, so wrapped up in kissing.

"Uh....Alastor...."

Alastor

Alastor's head whipped around to face whatever threat Telly had just spotted—*oh.* He stared at them.

They stared at him.

He said, extremely casually, "Well hi, boys!"

Telly

"Hi, Mr. Radioman," They said in unison. Telly covered his mouth with his hand, lest he start laughing-- and failed step one, he started laughing just the MOST loudly.

Alastor

Okay. Well. Could be worse. Thank goodness they'd already decided to tell the Eggs.

Alastor very carefully climbed off of Telly and started straightening out his clothes. "So! I take it you finished with the shelving section!"

Telly

Fourteen perked up. "Yes! We found a couple more sets that we thought you might like and I put the trackers on them for you!"

Telly also sat up and straightened his suit, getting Hattie from where he'd fallen in Telly's haste to be dramatic. He plopped him back on and crossed his arms.

"GOOD! NOW ALL FIVE OF YOU CAN GET TO DECONSTRUCTING THIS COUCH!" He stood and pointed at the one he'd been sitting on. He turned to Alastor then and his voice softened.

"Darling, would it be better to transport things in one big batch, or in smaller loads?"

Alastor

"Oh! Stupendous." He *could* sense the trackers. He should have been able to earlier, if he hadn't been ridiculously distracted. "I'll check them out in a moment."

He surveyed the disassembled furniture. "Smaller loads, I think. We can go section by section."

Telly

"Alright, then, I think once they have this one disassembled, then that should be good for couches. You can do that and then we can both go look at the other shelves Fourteen marked, yes?" He grinned, putting his hand on Alastor's shoulder.

The Eggs got to work, with a few pointed looks and whispers, but otherwise quietly.

Alastor

"Yes, right! Very good idea!" A nod. Look at him, the *most* dignified and serious.

After a moment, he asked, "Why so many couches?"

Telly

"Well, I wanted a chaise lounge in your room so that I could just....hang out and watch you work sometimes. And then I wanted at least two for the future sitting room. And then the kissing couch, for kissing, of course." He smirked.

"The ones for the sitting room will go into storage until we need them, and then the kissing couch can go on the bridge along with the one I picked for your room, until we get everything else settled in there."

Alastor

"Well! Let me see the one you picked for my room—I'll have to make sure it doesn't, you know, throw things off." Although he rather liked the idea of Telly lounging around watching him work. "What kind of wood is it?"

Telly

"Mahagony! And it's got a lovely red velvet. Come see, I told the Eggs not to break that one down until you saw it." He slithered over to a very fancy looking red velvet chaise, the wood carved intricately.

Alastor

"Oh, well, that'll work out if I go with the mahogany bookcases." He flopped on it to try it out; he'd probably be using it more often than Telly, after all. "It's comfortable enough."

Telly

Telly coiled near it, his hands running over the velvet as he purred. "It's so soft....I like that. Feels nice against my scales."

Alastor

"I'm not much for velvet, but if I can't stand it, I can toss a decorative hide over it that you can move when you visit." He rolled over, crossing his arms on the armrest and kicking his feet in the air. "Looks like the kind of thing you'd find in a vampire's manor, doesn't it?" He winked. "*Very* dramatic."

Telly

He grinned and winked back, and then moved Hattie off his head. "Well, I _do_ have the widow's peak for it!" He snickered.

"I have to go for the most dramatic pieces, you know this." Telly leaned up to kiss him. "If you'd rather, though, there's a similar piece that's leather instead? The wood is rosewood stain on oak, too, so still red!"

Alastor

"No no, if it's for *you* to sit on, you can pick the one you like the feel of!" Alastor smiled crookedly. "Anyway, at the low price of *free,* what does it hurt to get the velvet one?"

Telly

"You're sweet." Telly took Alastor's face in his hands and kissed him softly.

"After the couches and shelves, what about a reading chair for you?"

Alastor

"You read my mind." He beamed at Telly. "And *that* one's going to be leather."

Telly

"Yes! Absolutely. A nice, soft leather, I'm sure they have many of them." He nodded. The Eggs rushed over and stood there, waiting for Alastor to get up from the couch.

Alastor

He stood and offered his elbow to Telly. "So! Back to the bookcases?"

Telly

"Back to bookcases!" He took Alastor's arm and then turned back to the Eggs.

"MEET US THERE AFTER YOU'RE DONE HERE!" He paused. "Wait, Alastsor, we need to transport these first."

Alastor

"Oh! Right." He snapped his fingers and opened a portal in the middle of the couch section. "Just holler when you're ready for me to close it." He nodded to Telly. Ready.

Telly

"Mr. Radioman? It won't hurt us, will it?" Fourteen asked, looking warily at the portal.

Alastor

"No, no, nothing to worry about! It's completely harmless. You won't even have to pass through any other dimensions! It's just bending space a little!" This was probably meant to be reassuring.

Telly

"So, we don't get hurt if one of us accidentally falls in?" Nine asked as he leaned over to look into it.

Alastor

Eggs. "There's nowhere to fall in! You can step right over from one floor to the other, no breaks! It just looks a little fuzzy from this side. Think of it like walking through a curtain!"

Telly

"Oh, ok!" Twenty-two said. The Eggs all picked up pieces and started to haul them through the portal.

"MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MIX THEM UP. KEEP THE PILES SEPERATED!" Telly called after them.

"Don't worry about them, they're just wary of portals after the hotel incident."

Alastor

Alastor's smile wilted slightly. "Right." That. And how was Alastor's own Sir Pentious doing? He didn't have anyone to help him rebuild like Telly did.

Don't worry about it. "Bookcases!" he said firmly. "And keep your eyes peeled for any reading chairs on the way!"

Telly

"Bookcases!" Telly slithered along, but he _had_ noticed that small wilting. No need to dwell on it, though, they just needed to keep going.

"Oh, look!" Telly pointed, spying a display of highbacked chairs.

Alastor

Glad for the distraction, Alastor looked them over thoughtfully. "Nnno, not quite like that. These chairs are built like Laurel, and I'm after Hardy. What we're after is a chair so comfortable, a child could fall asleep in its seat—and slowly sink into the cushion like quicksand, never to be seen again."

Telly

Telly nodded, but still paused there, looking longingly at the chairs. "Those aren't very comfortable for me as I am now, but I used to love sitting in chairs like those when I read, when I was alive."

He sighed and started to move away. "Let's find something more comfortable for you, then."

Alastor

"I'm afraid they're too dignified for me," Alastor said. "Sure, in public I'll sit with poise and elegance, but that's for the benefit of an audience! *This* is going to be *my* room, and I intend to read as disgracefully as possible."

Telly

"Oh, disgraceful reading? How avant garde!" Telly snickered. He looked around and spotted some other chairs that looked large and plush.

"What about those?"

Alastor

"It'll be the new hot thing," Alastor said, winking. "My mother used to see me curled up with ghost stories and say, 'Ally, are you a contortionist or a cat?' Ha!"

He stopped to survey this new crop of armchairs. "Now, that's what I'm talking about!" He let go of Telly so he could dart between them, squishing the cushions with his hands to see how soft they were.

Telly

Telly laughed, looking at his partner-in-crime darting about like a child in a candy store. He slithered over to one that was red leather and looked at its plaque, humming.

"This one's genuine cow leather from up above."

Alastor

"Is it!" Alastor immediately darted over to look. "That looks like the kind of chair a rich man with a drug addiction would own in the eighties. He'd sit here drinking a highball and staring out his window at the Miami skyline while his wife leaves with the kids." This wasn't an insult. He tested the cushion, then plopped down in the chair. Then tugged his feet up into the chair with him and turned sideways. After a moment of contemplation, he summoned up his grimoire, flipped it open to a random page, and tested out how easily it fit on his lap in this position. "It's a strong contender!"

Telly

Aww, look at how cute Alastor looked getting into his reading position! Telly couldn't help but lean down to kiss his cheek. He slithered over to continue looking and hummed. He spotted one and tilted his head as he moved over to it.

"Hm, this one is nice. More my style than yours, though, I think." It was black leather and wood with gold accenting. And the leather.... Telly checked the plague and almost started laughing.

"_Alastor, this one's crocodile leather!_"

Alastor

"Is it!" Alastor scrambled out of his seat to come see. "Well, I'll be! Usually it's cow leather textured like crocodile skin, but I think that's the real deal! This here is a million dollar chair." He checked the plaque to see what it actually cost, and his eyes shot wide. "Close enough. Woof."

Telly

"Well, good thing we're not _paying_ for anything, hm?" He grinned and winked at Alastor. "I think we ought to take it just on principle, don't you?"

Alastor

"We should absolutely take it on principle." He looked around. "Where are our bullets?" The store PA system briefly crackled to life. "Number fourteen to the armchairs, if you please."

Telly

It only took about a minute for Fourteen to find them. He saluted Alastor and smiled. "Reporting for duty, Mr. Radioman, sir!"

Telly chuckled as Fourteen dug a bullet out of his wallet of them and held it out. Telly plucked it from his hand and twisted it, activating the tracker before setting it on the chair.

"Did you want to mark the other one too?"

Alastor

"Yes! I was just going to ask." He took another and set it on the chair he'd found, then dove back into exploring the other chairs.

Telly

Telly smiled again, and then looked down at Fourteen. "Are the others done loading things?"

"Almost, Mr. Bossman!"

"Good, go back and tell them to come meet us here or at the bookshelves if we're not here any longer."

Fourteen saluted again and toddled off.

"Find anything else, love?" Telly called.

Alastor

"Maybe!" He'd plopped himself in a chair shaped vaguely like a baseball glove. He crawled out of it and directly into a squishy circular chair without touching the ground. Absolutely zero dignity, only glee.

Telly

"Good, good. Fourteen and the rest will be back soon." Telly slithered over to another circular chair. He inspected it before slithering in and coiling up. It fit him well, and gave him room to grow, even. He started to purr as he got comfortable.

"I think I found a good one for me."

Alastor

"Round is the new square, apparently!" Okay, test done. He hopped up. "I'm going to check out the other bookcases the niners found, can you make sure those other two get bullets on them when the eggs catch up?" He'd already been excited when they arrived, but now he was practically buzzing with eagerness and antsy to hurry on to his next destination.

Telly

"Of course, I'll catch up with them." Telly smiled, giving a little wave as he settled back into the seat. It wasn't but a few minutes later that the Eggs arrived. Telly set them to marking the ones that Alastor had tested, before vacating his own to mark as well.

The group of one snake and five eggs arrived at the bookshelves, and Telly looked around. "Alastor?" He called.

Alastor

"Here!" He waved between a couple of rows. "I found a couple of bookcases with some *gorgeous...* Oh, what do you call it, the decorative whats-it with the wood." He gestured, summoning up illustrative swirls of red light to form floral flourishes and stylized animals. "But they're clearly designed to be stand-alone pieces, they've got legs on them, they don't match anything here—but don't let me forget! When we're filthy rich and all of Hell answers our every beck and call, I'm hiring a woodworker to decorate my bookcases!"

Telly

Telly slithered over, Eggs trotting behind and raised a brow. "You mean embellishments? Yes, of course. You know, I think your alternate from here carves things. I'm not sure if he does wood, but...."

Alastor

He snapped his fingers, embellishments! "Oh, I don't want to imagine how that conversation would go. 'Hello, alternate mine, into whose universe I moved and whose enemy I seduced and whose Hell I've been helping to steadily conquer! So sorry about flattening all your favorite hangouts last week, but would you mind decorating my private magical sanctum on your enemy's airship? Promise not to work any hexes into the designs?'" He shook his head, grimacing. "I don't think so." He darted down another row. "Anyway! I went with the first mahogany shelves, but I also found a set of wall shelves that I think would look perfect on either side of the window!"

Telly

"Oh, mahogany? Sounds lovely!" Telly slithered after him, moving fast to keep up. "Show me these wall shelves, let's see."

The Eggs followed after on their short little legs.

Alastor

They were a set of wall-mounted curio cabinets stained nearly black, and they were almost nothing *but* embellishment—curling, twisting organic shapes carved into every surface. "Aren't they just gorgeous?" Alastor asked, delighted.

They totally were, assuming the viewer is into scenes of sinners writhing in infernal flames and thrashing in tempestuous waves.

"It's very gothic revival," Alastor said cheerily. "I think they look a little like cathedrals!" And they totally did. Aside from all the suffering sinners.

Telly

Telly's eyes widened and he nodded. "Oh yes, those are very lovely. And how intricate! What detail! I'd be jealous of whoever else got these if we weren't taking them!" He cackled.

Alastor

"I wonder how long it took to make these!" Alastor admired them a moment longer. "Well! Now that they've made these once, it'll take 'em less time the second time around, right?" He opened one's door to plop in a bullet, and turned to go. They were the eggs' responsibility now.

As he walked, he lifted his paper model again and added little glowing copies of the cabinets into his room. "And I think they'd look *great* framing a little altar, if I decide to put one in..." He turned to Telly. "I don't know if I've ever asked what you are... belief-wise. You know—religiously, spiritually."

Telly

Religion? Hm, that was something he hadn't thought of in a while. "I was brought up protestant-- the Church of England, naturally-- but I never had any real faith myself. I never believed-- perhaps I should've, considering..." He gestured around them.

"After I landed here, I just continued on like that. I didn't see the point in having any sort of religion since I'm already in Hell."

Alastor

Alastor nodded. "You know, I think most people think there's no point to religion in Hell!" He made a noncommittal gesture. "I suppose it depends on what you think the point of religion is. And what you think religion itself is. Ooh, kitchen cabinets!"

This is definitely a very normal conversation to be having in a really expensive Hell Ikea.

Telly

"It does seem to be a common thing, yes." Alastor was distracted once more and Telly smiled fondly.

"Yes, we should start in on kitchen things." He shooed the Eggs off to go collect the other furniture they'd picked out already.

"Which cabinets look good for you? We'll need plenty for the expanded counter and to replace the old ones."

Alastor

Alastor looked at the cabinets longingly, but then sighed. "I didn't bring a model of the kitchen. I don't even have measurements for it."

He looked around the kitchen section; unlike the bookcases, all standing alone and free to take, the kitchens seemed to primarily be example kitchens all set up with cabinets and counters fully installed. "I bet we can't just grab the cabinets off the wall," he muttered. "They probably have to be custom-made for your particular kitchen. That's how kitchens usually are, it's not stand-alone furniture." But that wasn't going to stop him from looking around.

Telly

"Yes, this might be something we have to actually order. Or that I'll have to make. We do have the funds to get whatever kind of wood and countertop you'd like. Maybe pick out a style and I can try to replicate it?" He moved closer to Alastor, hand moving to rub his back.

Alastor

"I like that plan!" He leaned into the touch. "If we find any we *really* like, though—let's steal the cabinet doors to make sure they all match."

And then he took off again, exploring all the example kitchens. "What was I just—? Right! Religion. No offense, but the Church of England has always sounded to me like the most boring religion on the planet."

Telly

"I think I'd have to agree-- considering it was made by Henry the Eighth just to be able to screw Anne Boleyn, it makes sense!" He laughed, once again watching his dear deer prance around.

"What wood were you thinking for the cabinets? And what material for the countertops?"

Alastor

"And that's the only interesting fact about the Church of England I know."

He considered the question. "For cabinets? The wood isn't as important as it is in more dedicated magic work, but we'll still want to get a wood that plays well with healing and herbs. Ideally a feminine wood—call me old-fashioned, but I've always found more feminine energy in cooking." Alastor that does absolutely nothing to answer the question. "And I don't know about you, but I like stone counters! Marble, granite... What would be fantastic is if we could find a large enough piece to cut both the kitchen counter and my work table from it. I'd love to tie those spaces together. But we'll see!"

Telly

"I'm sure we can find that much stone to cut from the same place. But as for wood, I mean for the color, love." He smirked, leaning closer to kiss his cheek.

"I'm thinking design, what it'll look like. Maybe we can get a nice black marble-- Oh, I think I've seen some marble that's black and gold, that would work well."

Alastor

"Oh! Of course, color. I feel like a kitchen should be bright! We don't necessarily need the cabinets to be light, but if not, we'll have to compensate somewhere else. I don't want it to be *plain* white, though—I've never liked plain white, have you? I've worked in enough kitchens where everything's white and stainless steel, no thank you! Primarily black counters, though, that could look nice, yes."

Telly

"I tend towards darker colors, generally-- well, you know, you've seen the airship!" He laughed. "All blacks of various shades with splashes of gold and red."

Telly hummed. "You know, what if we got yellow cabinets? Or at least, made them from a wood that had that sort of tan-yellowish look?"

Alastor

"Oh! Yellow! Sunny! Yes, I think I like that idea." He turned toward the nearest example kitchen with white cabinets, waved a hand, and they were briefly overlaid with a fluorescent yellow. "... Maybe not that exact hue, but in concept YES!"

Telly

"Yes, unfortunately not everything can make bright yellow look dashing!" He adjusted his bowtie and smirked, winking at Alastor.

"A softer shade would probably work better-- or maybe a bit more golden instead!"

Alastor

He tried a less fluorescent yellow. "Well—I'm no good at mixing colors, but that's what they've got those paint chips at the hardware store for! But I like the idea of it, it sounds stupendous! We can find just the right hue later!"

Telly

"Yes, we can! But shall we get back to finding pieces for our home? What else do we need? We have chairs and couches and shelves...." He ticked them off on his fingers, rubbing his chin and humming.

Alastor

"Right! I need a desk and a chair for it! I guess I'll get my work table later, when we find counters; and doodads, I need doodads. I'll know them when I see them." He put a hand on Telly's shoulder, "We were going to redecorate the bedroom some! I almost forgot. That's an 'if we see anything we like' thing, isn't it?"

Telly

"Yes, it is. I'd say we should go try out the beds, but we decided not to replace that." He snickered. "But yes, anything we like. Maybe new nightstands? A dresser for you?"

Alastor

"But I enjoy stealing out of your dresser so much!" He laughed. "But I guess I can't steal socks from you, can I? I didn't take measurements in your room, either, you'll have to tell me what size dresser you think will fit! But I can probably do with one of those tall, skinny ones."

Telly

"If you just want a drawer in mine, that's fine too. It depends on what all you want to put in it. I do think nightstands would be good, though." Telly leaned down to flick his tongue at Alastor's cheek.

Alastor

Tilt into the flick. "I don't need to store much! Socks, boxers, garters, a couple of belts." He fished around in his pocket. "It would be nice to not have to carry these around everywhere, too." It's a bunch of bow ties. He's carrying half a dozen different bow ties in one of his pockets. They've been there for like... half a year.

Telly

"We could get you a box for those, love. Put it on top of the dresser next to the one I have." He smiled, squishing his cheek against Alastor's.

"I'm excited, my hart, for this."

Alastor

"So am I!" For a couple of seconds, he wasn't a grown-ass man, but an excited child, torn between bouncing on the balls of his feet and keeping his cheek squished to Telly's; he split the difference by hugging him hard and sort of vibrating in place. "I can't *begin* to tell you how excited! I'm going to have a *home!* For the first time since I died! A home with *you!*"

Telly

Telly returned the hug, squeezing Alastor tightly. He pressed his face into his shoulder and smiled into it.

"A home with me. And I'm so, so happy to give it to you, my hart." Another squeeze and a soft hitch of his breath. "I can't explain how happy it makes me to see you this excited about it, too."

Alastor

Alastor patted Telly's back when he heard his breath hitch. "Careful—if you start I'm going to start." He huffed. "... Thank you. I can't even tell you how grateful I am."

Telly

Telly pulled back, and decided to stop himself from crying by kissing Alastor about it. The perfect way to stop oneself from crying, yes? Yes, absolutely.

Alastor

Sounded like a solid strategy to Alastor! He kissed back. He couldn't wait to be up in the air and really, finally home.

Telly

Telly held Alastor's face in his hands, deepening the kiss-- when he heard a rather loud and pointed clearing of a throat. Which was funny, because the Egg Bois didn't have throats. He pulled back and turned to look at the group of five Eggs, raising a brow.

"WELL?" He asked. They saluted and reported that all the marked items had been disassembled and transported.

"Alright, my hart...where were we? Your desk, yes?"

Alastor

Alastor nearly jumped out of his skin. These eggs were going to be the double death of him.

"Right! Right. Yes, uh..." He checked the store map. "We'll pass through the dining area to get to the desks, so, keep an eye out for tables and chairs we like, but... Yes! Desks."

Telly

Telly clapped excitedly. "Oh, yes! Tables and chairs! I'm excited to get a new set of those! Maybe some dishes too, if they have them."

Alastor

"I think they've got dishes on the far side of the store—but maybe they'll have some set out on display here, who knows." He offered his arm again.

Telly

Telly took the arm immediately, and started slithering again. "If not, well, then, we'll get to the dishes eventually, anyway!"

He turned to the Eggs. "COME ALONG NOW."

Alastor

"Yes! Sooner or later! We've got enough plates to eat on for now, anyway!" And off to the dining tables. "We'll probably want a table that matches the rest of the kitchen, right? Someday it would be nice to have a separate dining room, but for now..." It wasn't like they could conveniently build an annex onto the airship.

Telly

"Yes, we should. A simple black one would work fine. Or maybe one in red, since that's the motif we're going for. Red, yellow, and black." They moved into the kitchen table area and Telly started looking over them.

"Maybe mahogany to go with the bookcases? I do like mahogany."

Alastor

"The bookcases will be in another room, though, so we don't *need* to match them. Although I do like mahogany too, I wouldn't complain about mahogany." He looked around and snorted. "Goodness, half of these look fit for a castle, don't they?" That's what you get at the fancy Hellkea.

Telly

"They do! I love them." Telly beamed. "Oh! We should think about the walls-- I was thinking paint them black but then stenciling on a design in yellow and red? Does that sound good to you?"

Alastor

A thoughtful pause. "I'll have to see it first. We can do a mockup of the kitchen in the colors. If the floor's already black, and then the counters—I don't know if black walls would make it too dark." Apparently, Mr. Aren't These Gothic Revival Eternal Damnation Torture Cabinets Cute is all about bright cheery kitchens. "But stencils should be fine, whatever color it's on! What were you thinking?" A nudge. "More scales like the bridge?"

Telly

"Hm, no-- the kitchen is going to be your space, I want a stencil that you think represents you!" He smiled, nudging back.

Alastor

"Oh, I'll have to think about it! Hah, maybe I should just stencil up a big chart of meat cuts. Like they have at butcher shops—one shaped like an animal and one shaped like a human." A wink. "No, I'll think of something pretty."

Telly

Telly giggled. "That would be funny, but yes, I'd rather something pretty."

Telly turned, seeing a nice round oak table. "Oh, that's nice!"

Alastor

"Oh, that'll do!" He leaned on it, sturdy. "Will a round table fit in the kitchen? You said it was going to be long and narrow." This poor man who can't just visualize the table in the space. He was mentally kicking himself for not bringing the kitchen's measurements. "But I like it, it's a nice color. I bet it'd look good with yellow cabinets."

He suddenly laughed, "Listen to me, talking about matching tables to cabinets! If somebody a month ago had told me looking at furniture would be the most exciting thing I'd do in the next few weeks, I'd tell 'em either they're the worst fortune teller I've ever met or I'm in for a boring month!"

Telly

"Things like this can be exciting if you have someone to do it with." Telly smiled.

"And yes, the table will fit. We'd just need to put it near where the plants will be growing, since I don't plan to have cabinets there."

Alastor

"And if it's your own kitchen you're decorating, I'd bet." He smacked the tabletop. "All right! I'm fine with it if you are."

Telly

"Yes there is that too." He chuckled.

"I like this one. A little brown to mix things up."

Alastor

"Little bit of both!" A wink.

"You know, if the table's back near the plants, we could stick potted plants on the table from time to time. Add a little extra color!" Oh he was getting *hella* cutesy-domestic. In another ten minutes he'll be making a cottagecore blog.

Telly

"That would be wonderful," Telly said, smiling. He nodded to the eggs who started to disassemble the table.

"Now, the chairs-- do we want the whole set of four, or should we just take two for practicality's sake?"

Alastor

"Oh, let's grab all four! In case we entertain someday. We can keep the other two stowed away somewhere." He stepped back to give the Eggs more room to work. "Maybe we should grab something easier for you to sit on, too. A footrest or something."

Telly

"There should be short stools nearby for sinners like myself. Any high class store would be sure to have those options." He turned and slithered around a bit, looking.

"Ah-ha! Here's some in oak. Let me try them out and see which ones is most comfortable."

Alastor

Alastor leaned on a nearby table to watch as Telly tried the stools out.

"You realize that with everything going into this airship, there's no way we can let it get shot down again, right?" Think of the dishes. The hypothetical dishes they haven't picked out yet.

Telly

"Oh, yes, absolutely. I have plans for that. A lot of new defenses that I hope to have ready before we launch." He nodded, curling around on of the stools to sit. This one said it was specifically made with snake sinners in mind, so it should be good...

"Also more normal reinforcements like a thicker hull, stronger glass for the windows, more weapons to fire upon anyone who dares attack. Oh! I've also been developing stealth shielding, to cloak it."

Alastor

"We're going to be *invisible?!*" Oh he's excited now. "Isn't that something! Like a ship right out of an alien invasion movie!"

Telly

"Yes! As much as I like Pentagram City seeing me flying above and quaking with fear, I'd rather not get shot down again, so stealth shielding is definitely something. But if we're going full alien ship vibes, then I should mention that I'm working on a forcefield too!" He grinned wide.

Alastor

"Hot damn! By the time that thing's ready to fly, it'll be well-armored enough to storm the gates of Heaven!" Alastor laughed.

Telly

"If I have my way, our home will never fall from the sky again. It _may_ land, though." Telly laughed, too.

"Hm, I think this stool will do, I like coiling around it." He stood and gestured for the Eggs to take the stool.

Alastor

"Want to grab a couple, in case an alternate visits?" Can't hurt. They're free.

"I was wondering if you'd let me add some defenses, too? I think you'll have this thing well-armored enough that you could drop a tank on it without doing damage, but not everyone is fighting with bombs and bullets. It helps to fight magic with magic."

Telly

"I was actually thinking about that! Your magic would be good to use on the forcefield. To deflect magical attacks!"

He looked at the other stools like his and nodded to the Eggs. "You're right, we should." At the mention of alternates, his face soured a bit.

"Did you notice...at the barbecue Valera threw, how Ruddy avoided us? Well...me specifically, but he seemed to be avoiding you, too."

Alastor

Alastor's face lit up. "You'll have to show me how it works! I'm sure I can think of some way to work it into the technology! I'd still like to put wards on the ship itself that will be active if the forcefield is turned off, but... yes, I'd *love* to put something in the forcefield!" Wouldn't that be fantastic, an invention that they could work on together! A joint project! As much as he enjoyed providing inspiration and ideas and watching Telly churn them out, this was a chance to finally contribute something more concrete to the design process.

His excitement wilted a bit at the mention of Ruddy. "I noticed. More him avoiding *me* than avoiding you, but yes. I gave him some information I'd promised him, and he all but completely brushed me off." He sighed. "I typically befriend your alternates by chucking out favors and flattery until it sticks. It's worked so far, but... I wonder if he thinks I'm coming on too strong. Or if he thinks I have ulterior motives."

Telly

"...Maybe he was avoiding the both of us because of well...." Telly gestured at the two of them. "Our relationship? Consider we both snapped at him when he was unkind about the other...." His face scrunched.

"Anyway, yes! I'd love to see what wards and whatnot you're planning on putting on the ship. Oh! And that reminds me, I wanted to learn more about magic in general. That got put on my back burner while the airship was still being repaired, but now that it's almost done, we could start that again!"

Alastor

"I don't think I snapped at him," he said uncertainly, trying to remember. "I *disagreed* with him over you, sure. I *wanted* to snap. But that was our first meeting, I was trying to be on my best behavior. I thought I was diplomatic."

He sighed again. "Maybe just *knowing* is going to put him off. I hate that he figured it out before I ever had a proper conversation with him. That's all he's going to see now."

Telly

"Well, maybe less 'snapped' and more 'got a bit puffed up'. I tried not to snap either-- it was _also_ my first meeting with him." He pulled his hood over his shoulder and stroked it.

"It's my fault he figured it out-- I was trying to help and he just....pegged it right away. I'm sorry..."

Alastor

Alastor let out a loud, melodramatic sigh. "Oh, how unlucky I am, to have a partner-in-crime who *adores and admires* me so much that he just *can't* help but show it whenever he thinks of me!" He slid an arm around Telly's waist and pecked his cheek. "What's done is done. If he can't see past his first impression of us, then, well... that's one less person to try to impress."

Telly

Telly cracked a smile at the melodrama, and kissed Alastor's cheek in return. "Well, how could I not, when I have the best partner-in-crime a snake like me could ask for?"

He purred and nuzzled against him, briefly. "That's true, what's done is done. We can't make another first impression, but if the impression he got was 'these two are thick as thieves and defensive of each other' there are worse impressions to give." He snickered.

Alastor

"Like I've got the best partner-in-snake a radio could ask for! And if he has a problem with it, that says more about him than us, doesn't it?" All the same... Well, whatever. No changing it now.

That was the table and chairs dealt with. He closed the portal; on to the desks. "So! Magic, huh! Considering a career change from machinist to magician?"

Telly

"Not particularly, but I have been thinking about what you mentioned-- magic mixed with machinery! There's so many possibilities, but I won't be able to do figure out what they are until I know what all magic could do-- specifics and the like." He reached and took Alastor's hand, twinning their fingers. It had been too long since they held hands.

Alastor

"Oh! I love mixing magic and machines!" He squeezed Telly's hand. "Now, fair warning: there's a lot I won't be able to teach you. Some because it's forbidden—and impossible—if you don't have the right ancestry and the right initiation; and some because I'm just not able to teach it. And a lot is going to be disappointing; you'd be surprised how much of what I do can be explained with 'I call someone else up to do it for me.' But I'll teach you what I can, and what I can't teach, I'll tell you about as much as I can. Sound fair?"

Telly

"That sounds perfect-- really what I'm interested in is mostly things that can be applied to my inventions to either improve them or change the function. A sort of synergy. I doubt I'll be out there being a world class magician like you are." He squeezed Alastor's hand back.

"Hm....Where were we headed again?" He asked, pausing in his slithering.

Alastor

"World class magician! Eat your heart out, Houdini!" He laughed. "For magic you can stick in inventions, there's three... categories of knowledge, I suppose, that I could give you. It's equivalent to teaching you how to build a crystal radio, how to work a radio tower, and how to build a radio tower. The first one shows you the science behind how the technology works but isn't very useful, the second one lets you immediately use powerful technology but you'll only get a fuzzy glimpse of the science, and the third one lets you understand both how to work the technology and the underlying science, but takes a damn long time before you've finally learned enough to build something of your own. I can teach you any way, but it's up to you which avenues you want to pursue first."

He checked his map again. "Desks!" And looked up. He'd gotten so enthralled talking about magic he'd walked them straight past half the desks, thinking they were more dining tables. He sheepishly turned around and backtracked.

Telly

Telly nodded along, humming, his free hand coming up to stoke his chin. "I think I'd want option three, I want to know what goes on behind how it works, and then how to work it, too. It's how I learned how to engineer my machines, I think that would work best."

He turned back with Alastor, laughing. "Oh, yes, desks! Probably look for something to match the bookcases, so probably something in mahogany?"

Alastor

"It'll take longer that way for you to start working magic into your machines—but, you'll know more when you do! In the meantime I can put the complex things on and explain what I'm doing."

He looked around thoughtfully at the nearest desks. "Mahogany would be fine," he said slowly. "Or ebony, ebony would be great." Alastor you're not getting an ebony desk unless you steal it out of a Gilded Age tycoon's office. "Or yew, or cedar, or iroko, ash, redwood... Maybe not cedar, it's a little too benevolent." Alastor those aren't even all furniture woods.

Telly

"Ebony?" Telly hummed, as he slithered around the desks, looking at each one. Something white caught his eye and he moved to one covered in a sheet. Wonder what that was about? He pulled off the sheet and blinked.

"Alastor. I think I found an ebony desk." And not only that, but it was the most intricate and extravagant desk he'd ever seen. And if Alastor didn't want it, then _Telly did._

Alastor

Apparently he was only getting an ebony desk if it was stolen out of a Gilded Age tycoon's office, or if Hellkea stole it out of the office of a nineteenth century Italian noble.

"Well! Would you look at *that!*" Alastor put his hands on it, then lay his torso atop it. Flop. "Oh, now *that's* a powerful wood. You can *feel* the energy pouring off of it. And I like the little shelf up here." He drummed his fingers on the shelf that raised the back third of the desk's top. "Ebony's one of the most powerful woods a sinner can get their hands on—*this* kind of ebony, anyway. There's a couple of different kinds. It..." he gestured vaguely without lifting his face, "... resonates well with the dead, you could say."

He reluctantly peeled his face off the desk, but he didn't lift his arms. "Ebony helps the living communicate with the dead. I wonder if the connection goes both ways, or if it just helps the dead talk to each other better?" A moment of thought; and then he said, "If you see anything else made from ebony that seems utterly worthless to us, let me know. Yew, too. I just thought of a little project I'd like to try out and I could use the raw materials."

Telly

"I'll keep an eye out for ebony, but I'm afraid I don't know yew on sight, darling." He chuckled, rubbing a hand on the desk. He couldn't feel whatever power Alastor had been talking about, but it was still a fine desk.

"This one, I don't think can be disassembled. Let's make sure the Eggs are careful with it." Telly's head titled. "What sort of project were you thinking of, with those woods?"

Alastor

"You don't know me on sight?" Alastor put a hand on his chest. "I'm hurt! Scandalized! Utterly betrayed! I'll never get over this heartbreak." He saw the pun and went for it.

He stepped back from the desk for the eggs, and finally surveyed it at a distance—he hadn't actually properly looked at it yet. Yeah, it was extravagant—little white inlaid designs of foliage and angels. "I'm not sure about the narrow opening between the drawers; I feel like I'll try to cross my legs and bang my knees," he muttered. "If it's a problem, though, I can give it to you!" A win-win all around.

"I've got a little spell from an associate I've been meaning to play with that involves making a sort of connection to the mortal realm. Both ebony and yew help connect the mortal realm to the afterlife; if the connection goes both ways, it might help make the connection more easily. Like—choosing a wire with high electrical conductivity to build a machine." Specifically, he was thinking of his alternate's triple-sigil spell to contact radios in the living realm, and wondered whether the right material could serve as a compass pointing the signal toward the living realm and cut out the need for one of the signals.

Telly

And that pun earned a face scrunch like no others-- A very Pentious scrunch. Then Telly shook his head.

"Yes, if it doesn't end up working out, I'd love it. But I have a good feeling about it." He smiled and slithered closer, brushing some of Alastor's hair off his forehead.

"Oh? Sounds interesting! If _you_ spot any yew, be sure to show me, so that then _I_ can spot yew, too." He winked.

Alastor

He (briefly) held still to let himself be fussed over.

"Sure, I'll let you know!" And then a pause. "Actually, I don't know what yew wood looks like either." A sheepish smile. "Well, if we see any labeled 'yew,' we'll know then! I know this: it's planted in cemeteries." This information was completely useless for identifying yew wood by sight.

Telly

Telly snorted, and then laughed. "I think you've seen my wood enough to know it by sight." His grin turned downright devious. If Alastor got to make dumb jokes, then so did he!

Alastor

Alastor looked at Telly. He took a slow breath in. He let a slow breath out. The studio audience was laughing at him. Him, a laughingstock on his own show. "You know, I was trying to specifically avoid letting you turn the tables on me. And yet, here we are! Tables turned!" The nearby desks lifted themselves up, neatly turned themselves ninety degrees, and set themselves back down.

Telly

And Telly's laughter was just as raucous as Alastor's audience. He wheezed as he bent double, holding his stomach.

"Oh, your reaction! Priceless! Exquisite! I out joked the joke-man!"

Alastor

"Yes, you got me. I'll admit it! I'm gracious in defeat." If Telly was bending double then Alastor was crossing his arms on Telly's back and leaning on him for support. Telly was holding Alastor up now. This was Alastor's revenge. "Although you're less yew wood and more snakewood."

Telly

Oh no, that's got him laughing even more! What have you done, Alastor, he's sinking down to the floor now. Down he went, taking Alastor with him, enjoy being on a pile of laughing snake.

Alastor

He sprawled most dramatically on Telly. Don't mind him, just laying down atop a snake shaking with laughter, acting all cool and casual. "... Someone stuck gum on the underside of this desk." He tapped the leg of a nearby oak desk. "Some people have no class."

Telly

He'd just been starting to calm down when Alastor spoke, and the laughter started again. High, reedy, and wheezing, he could barely take a breath with how hard he was laughing.

Alastor

Alastor grinned from ear to ear. Listen to that. Sheer music. He didn't plan on moving until Telly stopped laughing.

Telly

Finally, finally, after what felt like forever, Telly started to calm, wheezing softer until his breathing evened. And then his voice, muffled underneath.

"Darling, can you get off, please."

Alastor

THIS WAS HIS MOMENT. VENGEANCE WAS NIGH. He nearly cracked up on the spot. Sweetly, he said, "What, right here, in public? How obscene!"

Telly

And there he went, laughing again. And flattening down more, untill-- he suddenly straightened up (gently) tossing Alastor off of him. With a hyperquick movement, he was coiling around Alastor, and grinning down at him with his hood flared.

"No, the only one of us to get off in public would be me, wouldn't it, my hart?" He purred, flicking his tongue at Alastor, his claws hovering dangerously on either side of Alastor's face.

Alastor

That time, Alastor laughed along as well. Triumphant!

Which completely distracted him from what Telly was doing until Alastor found himself softly flung off. What—?

Genuine panic seized him for a split second as he found himself abruptly bound up; he took a deep breath, subduing it. *Oh.* Hello there. That was a nice view, he thought he'd just focus on Telly's face for a moment.

"You know, that's true! It *would* be you, wouldn't it?" Despite his restricted position, he leaned forward to kiss Telly's cheek and whisper to him, "And I suppose you'd like me to help you get off, wouldn't you?"

Telly

Telly's fearsome display was betrayed by the purr that started up in his chest. His clawed hands came in to gently hold Alastor's face and he returned the kiss with one on the lips.

"Yes, I would. Always." He snickered and started to loosen his coils, giving Alastor another kiss in the process. "After all, I _did_ suggest we try out the beds..."

There was another clearing of throats, this time five in unison and Telly's head turned slowly to stare at the interrupting Eggs.

"Can I help you?" He asked, voice low and dangerous.

"We're done moving the desk, Mr. Bossman..." Nine said, looking appropriately contrite.

"Go find anything marked as 'yew wood' and anything marked as 'ebony' that looks like it would make for good repurposing."

The Eggs saluted and toddled off, as Telly turned back to Alastor.

"I swear, half the time I forget that we brought them with us..."

Alastor

Alastor flinched, then slowly closed his eyes. These Eggs. These damn Eggs.

He waited until they were gone—waited several more seconds—then gave Telly his best sultry smile and reached up to cup his face in return. "Well. Now that we're alone again..." A light kiss. "If that's what you want, let me help you get off properly..."

The faint lighting turned electric blue as shadows stretched out across the floor to caress Telly... and slide beneath his coils, and hold him securely... and lift him gently off of Alastor... and set him back on the floor several feet away.

Grinning like a loon, Alastor got to his feet, smoothed out his clothes, and winked at Telly. "You're welcome!"

Telly

Telly had been ready-- for sultry make outs, and when the neon came on, maybe a dance. And then the shadows moved him....away from Alastor. He blinked, confused for a moment, before his face scrunched in understanding.

Telly crossed his arms and leveled a glare at Alastor. "VERY FUNNY!" He announced, turning to start slithering away.

"I SEE HOW IT IS, JOKES JOKES JOKES!" He gestured as he moved, noseless face turned up. "HERE I AM BEING DRAMATICALLY SEXY AND ALLURING AND YOU JAPE!"

Oh, he was starting to slip-- he fought the smirk that threatened to crack the facade.

Alastor

Oh—was that serious? Had Alastor gone too far? He hesitated a moment, until he was sure that Telly was joking; and then he pranced back up to his side and flung an arm around his shoulders. "So sorry, darling, I *couldn't* resist! The opportunity was there and I was helpless, simply helpless!" He leaned his head sideways on Telly's shoulder. "It's my greatest weakness. Nothing is more alluring to me than a truly awful pun."

Telly

Telly couldn't help his smile now-- it cracked the scrunch and he flicked his tongue at Alastor.

"Well, I suppose I can forgive you your puns." He chuckled. "At least this once. So long as you give me a proper, dramatic kiss, that is."

Alastor

"A dramatic kiss, huh? Something a little like this?" Alastor used his hold around Telly's shoulders (and a little shadow assistance) to yank Telly down into a dramatic dip and kiss him deeply.

Telly

His eyes flew open a moment, before sliding shut as he melted into the kiss. His hand cradled the back of Alastor's head until he needed to pull away to breath.

"Yes.... something like that." Telly gave him a dopey, lovestruck grin.

Alastor

Alastor was getting good at this. "I thought so." And it was well worth it, if it kept earning him grins like that. It made him want to dive right back in.

But the clock was ticking and they still had "shopping" to do. Alastor pecked Telly's lips one last time, then eased them both back upright. "To be continued."

Telly

Still a little lovedrunk from the kisses, Telly allowed himself to be righted, but his hand took Alastor's, holding it again. He squeezed it as he started to hum a love song-- one of the many Alastor had sent him.

"Yes, to be continued....What else do we have to find?"

Alastor

Oh... That was one of the songs Alastor had sent Telly. Never mind. Gotta kiss again.

Telly

Telly didn't mind that in the slightest, his hand cupping Alastor's cheek as he returned it. Kissing time once more.

Alastor

Okay, okay *this time* he was stopping. This time for real. Really. "... What was the question?"

Telly

Telly giggled, lingering there, a breath away from Alastor. "What else do we need?"

Alastor

"Right! Right... a desk chair, dishes... We didn't need a dresser right now, I'm going to use one of your drawers... Night stands... Was that all for now?"

Telly

"I think for now, yes, that was it. Maybe when we get to looking at the dishes we can find silverware and perhaps some new cooking knives for you."

Alastor

"Oh, we could use more!" A full set of knives for him! How lovely. "Well, let's!" On to the chairs.

Telly

On to the chairs! Luckily they were right there next to the desks. "Probably something in black to match the desk..."

Alastor

"Right." He probably wasn't going to find something special, though. As far as he was concerned, there really wasn't much to make desk chairs special. They weren't for getting cozy in. They were whatever.

"I'll also need to get supplies for a shrine, too," Alastor muttered to himself, still thinking about their shopping list, "although I doubt I'm going to find them here." He plopped down in a black-painted chair to see how it felt. "That's what I wanted to ask you earlier. I know you're not religious, but I *am*, and... would it bother you if I kept a shrine in my room? Considering that it would mean inviting a deity onto your airship."

Telly

"I trust you." He said. "If you think it's safe to do in our home, then of course you can."

Alastor

His face lit up. "As safe as anything I do is, hah!" Eh, this chair didn't do anything for him. He plopped down in another one.

Telly

Telly watched him move to another chair. "Well, considering I trust you to use Hentai to move the airship and whatnot, it's not a problem."

Alastor

"Fair enough!" Ooh, this chair spun. Don't mind him as he slowly twirls around. "Not that Hentai is the sort to go for shrines, but."

Telly

"Yes, I thought as much." He chuckled. "Having fun darling?"

Alastor

"Yes, but I could be having more!" He stopped spinning. "I don't like how this one feels, though." On to another chair, apparently. He tilted his head noncommittally. "It's fine."

Telly

Telly glance around, slithering over to a black wood chair. It had a red cushion. "What about this one?"

Alastor

He plopped down. He considered it. He shrugged. "It's fine, too." He stood. "Sure, let's go with it. It matches."

Telly

"Alright," He said, whistling for the Eggs. One came trotting out, and then headed over. Telly pointed to the chair, and the Egg-- #22-- took it.

"What next?"

Alastor

Back to the map! "The bedroom section. They'll probably have nightstands there."

Telly

"Oh yes! Nightstands. We'll probably want something in black for obvious reasons." He puffed his chest out a bit.

Alastor

"Obviously!" He beamed.

He kept glancing at the few remaining desk chairs as they passed into the bedroom section. Nothing appealing. Eh, well. Desk chairs didn't need to be super exciting, he supposed.

Telly

Telly wrapped his arm around Alastor's waist, pulling him against his side as he slithered.

"What do you plan on keeping in yours?"

Alastor

"I don't know! I hadn't gotten that far! I more or less figured they were there for decoration," he said. "What do people usually use nightstands for? Lamps? I don't really need a lamp. I could put my monocle on it? What are *you* using yours for?"

Telly

"I keep some things in the drawer-- just things that I might need whilst in bed. I do have a lamp on mine, in case I want to read in bed or need to work there."

Alastor

"Hm! I could keep a book on it. Although what if I want the book later and it's on the nightstand instead of with me?" He was so used to carrying everything he could ever possibly want around with him at all times. "I suppose it wouldn't be *that* hard to retrieve—" A pause. "Oh, I'm a fool. Obviously I'm going to keep a radio on it!"

Telly

"It would be nice to have a radio in our room, yes." He smiled and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"One of your nice ones!"

Alastor

"I'd be planning to keep Ally in my room, but I could move him back and forth until I get another tabletop radio," he mused. "Phil's big enough to be a nightstand herself! Maybe I could use her if we don't find a matching set..."

Telly

"You could put....Phil? On the bridge if you'd like. Send Ally back and forth, and then sometime we could go find some more!" He smiled. "I would like more radios of varying types."

Alastor

"Oh, I don't know about the *bridge.* With all the Eggs running around? But maybe—we *could* use a radio in there—"

He abruptly stopped walking at the sight of a bedroom all done up in exaggerated Art Deco decor—black and gold wallpaper with repeating scalloped patterns, wall sconces made of thick geometric frames, even a headboard on the bed that was oddly reminiscent of the Chrysler building.

But what pulled Alastor into the room was a pair of waterfall nightstands on either side of the bed, made from a dark, highly-polished wood, with the wood grain arranged to form sharp chevrons down the front and sides and bright gold-colored trim and knobs. Very fancy-looking, assuming one doesn't know that waterfall furniture is cheap-ass Great Depression plywood furniture. But to Alastor they just looked familiar.

"What do you think of these?" He tapped his finger on one.  "A little narrow for a nightstand, but..."

Telly

Telly's eyes widened at the sight of the model room. He let out a low whistle, his face breaking into a grin. Then he focused on the nightstands.

"Oh those are lovely! We'll have to redesign some things in the bedroom to match, but we were planning on that anyway." He pulled out his phone to snap a picture of the headboard and the wallpaper.

Alastor

Oh, right. Phones can take pictures these days. Alastor probably should have been doing that with the kitchen. And with the other bookcases he liked but that didn't have matching sets. And with the armchairs he was deciding between. And—

"The wallpaper kind of makes me think of the scale pattern you've got in the bridge." Alastor gestured at it. "This one's a little more shell shaped, but it's similar."

Telly

"Yes I thought so too! It should be a simple thing to replicate but with alterations. We could paint it instead of using wallpaper." He smiled and nodded to the Eggs.

"The nightstands, bois."

Alastor

"Maybe there's a stencil for this." They could find out whenever they went looking for a stencil to paint the kitchen. Whatever they were going to paint it with.

He flopped on the bed and looked at the headboard. "Have you ever seen the Chrysler building? I only saw pictures of it in the papers, but I was still around when it went up."

Telly

"That was after my time, so no." He said, shrugging. Telly came over and slithered up onto the bed, curling near Alastor.

"Is it nice?"

Alastor

"*I* think it's handsome. But my mother thought it was the ugliest building ever built." He laughed. "Sometime I'll find a mortal realm movie that was filmed in New York. They'll probably have it in the background."

He thought about that a moment longer; then abruptly sat up. "Or—!" He stopped to make sure no eggs were nearby to eavesdrop and then lowered his volume. "Or I could take you sometime!"

Telly

His brow furrowed and tilted his head. "Take me? To....the living world?"

His eyes unfocused and he took a slow breath. "It's been so long..."

Alastor

"I just recently learned how!" Voice still hushed, but he was Excited. "Back in December. I'm still working out the kinks—the math is atrocious—but it works. I've gone there under my own power."

Telly

Telly's eyes widened. "Really? Oh, how exciting. I'd love to visit--" He glanced down at himself.

"Well.... we'd have to find something to do about my tail, obviously."

Alastor

"Disguises are easy! Hell—I could probably teach you to disguise *yourself* pretty fast. This is the default shape your soul wants to take, but it takes very little magic for the dead to change their shape, as long as the shape they're changing into is some form of themself. So there's a small chance you might not be able to change your tail—most people have something they can't control, me, I can't change my hair—but nine out of ten odds I bet you can! And if you can't, I could do it for you!"

Telly

"Perhaps that should be the first thing we do, then? Try and teach me that and figure out good disguises for visiting up about." He smiled. "Oh, that's exciting. I hope I can have legs again, even for a short time. It would be nice to walk again."

Alastor

"The first thing you're going to be able to learn is how to look like *you.* So, however you recall yourself looking as a mortal, that'll be it. The only disguising you'll get beyond that is clothing. More advanced shapeshifting is... well, advanced."

He got to his feet and offered his arm to Telly. "Legs we can definitely do—walking, I'll give that sixty percent odds. Valera's given Penny legs for trips, and *he* can't walk; but he's also not doing the magic himself, so I imagine he's not as... as integrated with the shape. On the other hand, I recommended Ruddygore some texts on magic, and he figured out how to make a set of legs he can walk on; *but,* he's still got that entire tail hanging behind him. And it looks a little ridiculous. So."

Telly

"Hm, interesting! I'm curious to see how mine function when I've got them." He chuckled, taking Alastor's hand and 'standing'. Telly leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"I'm excited to learn! A whole new avenue of invention will be open to us!"

Alastor

"It certainly will! And I can't *wait* to see what you do with it!" Holding hands again? Holding hands again! And onward they went, hands held.

Telly

"I think all we have left is the dishes and silverware, yes?" Telly smiled brightly. "This has been QUITE the shopping trip!"

Alastor

"All that's left on the list, anyway!" Again with the map. "Although we pass through the restaurant on the way there. We could steal some food on our way through. Why does a furniture store have a restaurant?"

Telly

"Not sure! But I'm feeling peckish, and I bet you are as well, after all the portal opening. Let's rummage and find out what they have." He grinned.

Alastor

"Oh, I was just going to grab a bag of frozen meatballs and keep going." But he *was* feeling peckish. He should probably refuel if they were going to be making a couple more trips. "But, sure! Let's see if we can have a quick meal without spending an hour digging through the kitchen."

Telly

"Meatballs sound good! I wonder what else they have, though." Telly pointed ahead. "There it is!"

Alastor

"I keep seeing little ads for meatballs. What if that's all they have?" He laughed.

On one side of the path through the store was the restaurant; on the other side was a collection of shopping carts sitting near the entrance to the section of home goods. Alastor veered for the side with the carts, stole one, and immediately started riding it with one foot on the back axle and the other foot propelling him, just every child who'd ever used a shopping cart as a scooter. He breezed past Telly into the dark restaurant section—"So, what are our options!"—and a gate magically opened in front of him to let him roll on back behind the serving counters.

Telly

Telly laughed as he watched, slithering after Alastor. "Let's see indeed!"

He was glad, however, that the Eggs didn't see Alastor do that-- he didn't want them immitating it and crashing. Telly looked around for a good place to coil while Alastor searched, and decided that just right there in the middle of the floor was fine.

Alastor

The kitchen doors swung open for him just as easily, and Alastor vanished. He was back in a couple of minutes. "All of it's prepackaged," he said, sneering. "At least the meat looks like it's made out of actual meat, but it's not going to be any fun to prepare. The recipes they're set up for back there are salad, salmon, salmon salad, meatballs, chicken meatballs, and non-meatballs. What's your preference?"

Telly

"I'm feeling like salmon and meatballs-- because it sounds like an odd combination!" He laughed and flicked his tongue at Alastor. "I'm craving meat!"

Alastor

"Two entrees! You know, I like the sound of that myself!" He hopped off his cart, and his shadow vanished with it into the back. He was serious when he said this wasn't going to be any fun to prepare; it looked so dull he'd delegated the whole task to his shadows.

He circled to the customers' side of the counter to grab a table. "It'll only take them a few minutes, let's sit. I haven't gotten to stare adoringly into your eyes *nearly* enough tonight!"

Telly

"Alright!" He slithered over and plopped himself into a chair, trying to get comfortable in a seat obviously not meant for him. He smiled, though, turning to grin at Alastor.

"So, just going to stare adoringly into my eyes the whole time it takes them to cook?"

Alastor

"Maybe." He tilted his head, batted his eyelashes, and played a sweet romantic melody.

Then laughed. "All right, I've met my quota." He pulled out his paper model of his room, and realized he hadn't measured the desk or chair so he couldn't place projections of them in the room. Tsk. Oh well. He left it on the table. "So, how are you doing so far?"

Telly

"How am I doing? In what way?" He looked at the paper model, turning his head this way and that as he looked at the projected bookcases.

Alastor

"Oh... energy-wise, focus-wise. Emotionally, spiritually, whateverly..." Alastor offered him a slightly tired smile. "I think I felt my trance break sometime in the middle of the desk chair section."

Telly

"Oh." He took a second to think. "I'm alright. Getting a little tired, but we're almost done, so that's good. Think once we're done here, I'd like a nice bubble bath to relax." His tongue flicked. "What about you?"

Alastor

"A bubble bath, that sounds nice. If I fall asleep in the bath, just clothespin my nose shut so I don't drown."

He offered his hand across the table to Telly. "Could I ask you something?"

Telly

Telly took his hand, squeezing briefly. "Of course, darling. What is it?"

Alastor

"Earlier when you coiled me up earlier all of the sudden... Well, I—I'm not fond of being... taken by surprise like that. With a little warning... or if we'd been wrestling..." Oh, this was embarrassing.

Telly

Telly's jaw went a little slack and his eyes grew wide. "Oh. I'm sorry, darling, it won't happen again." He reached over with his free hand to stroke Alastor's cheek with his knuckles. "I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I'll reserve coiling for cuddling-- or if, as you said, we're wrestling."

Alastor

He caught Telly's hand and held it against his cheek. The stroking made him feel like he was something weak, something to be pitied and coddled; but he didn't want Telly to pull back. "It's fine! It's fine, I just—well, you know me, darting back and forth all over the place if I can get away with it! Being pinned in one place goes against my nature!" He laughed feebly.

Telly

"Yes, I understand. I like how you flit about-- reminds me a bit of a hummingbird. I _do_ like seeing you so excited." He winked and leaned close to press a kiss against his cheek.

Alastor

Good, that had been nearly painless. "Thank you!" And then again, a bit more subdued, a bit more meaningfully: "Thank you."

Telly

"You're most welcome, my hart." He smiled. "Is our food done?"

Alastor

"It should be just about, hold on." He whistled toward the kitchen. "Hey, what kind of service is this? Hurry up!"

His shadow slid out, pushing the shopping cart with several plates in the bottom: two of salmon, two of Swedish meatballs, each fully loaded with the expected sides. As his shadow unloaded the plates and bottled drinks, Alastor said, "If all you want is the meat, I can have your vegetables. I'm—"

He paused as the shadow put down another plate of pasta with pesto sauce. "What's this?" He squinted at it; and then his face lit up. "They've got deer-shaped pasta here!"

The shadow passed over the bag.

"Elk-shaped! Close enough! It's decorative macaroni, it's not like you can tell the difference!"

Telly

Telly's face lit up at the sight of the pasta. "Well! Look at that! How adorable." He purred, using his fork to take one single piece of the pasta to inspect closer.

"I wonder if we could make this ourselves, with a pasta maker..."

Alastor

"You know, sometime last year—I forget when, I think it was a couple of months before we met—I was looking all over for deer-shaped pasta. I finally found some, but I had to search half of Hell for it! And here's... well, not quite the same thing, but close enough! I can finally stop hoarding my stock!" He started cutting up his salmon with his fork and mixing it into the pesto pasta.

"I don't know. I've only ever seen pasta makers making normal shapes. It's worth looking into. Maybe we could make our own shapes! Deer, radios, snakes..." A wink. "But maybe snake pasta is just spaghetti."

Telly

He chuckled. "That or we use the emojis as a template and make them look like that."

Telly skewered a meatball and popped it into his mouth who-- and then his face went on a journey before he finally swallowed it down. "Mm, I think you've spoiled me with fresh cooked meals so much that this prepackaged fare isn't nearly as good as I probably would've once thought."

Alastor

"What do the emojis look like?" He pulled out his phone to check. Oh. Yeah, those were cute.

He cut one meatball in half and scooped it up with the sides. "It tastes better mixed with the mashed potatoes, gravy, and jam. You can still tell it's *prepackaged*—" SNEER "—but it's a respectable flavor combination."

Telly

He tried it the way Alastor said and hummed. "Yes, that is better."

Telly smiled and then tried the salmon with some of the pasta, rumbling in pleasure. "That's tasty together, too."

Alastor

"It is! Seems wrong to put salmon in the deer pasta, but it came with pesto." He'd already decided he was going to completely ignore the fact that the pasta was technically meant to be elk-shaped. It was deer now.

Telly

"We'll have to have it with venison at some point." Telly smirked.

Alastor

"I have a wonderful venison meat sauce recipe I could make! Remind me some time."

Telly

"Oh, I shall." He grinned as he continued to eat.

Alastor

It turned out Alastor could, in fact, finish two entire meals and a side of pasta in the middle of the night. Who's surprised? No one's surprised. His shadow had returned with the cart by then—loaded down with bags of pasta, yes he did plan to steal all of them.

He got to his feet, stretched, and asked, "Ready to go?"

Telly

Telly had finished all of his food too-- he'd learned to eat when he could, but he wasn't starving anymore. Still, big meals were good for a snake.

"Yes! Let's find some dishes and silverware and then we can go home and sink into a bath." He winked.

Alastor

"That sounds wonderful." He wheeled his cart into position, then paused, and reached into the cart to pat the top of the pasta bags. "Care for a ride~?"

Telly

Telly looked at Alastor, patting the pasta and he grinned. His tail lifted him higher and he plopped right down onto it. He pulled his tail up after, coiling in his nest of pasta.

"Onward!" He commanded.

Alastor

He pushed the cart. Nothing happened.

He pushed the cart with *magic.* That was more like it.

"Onward!" And off they went, into the home goods section, to search who-knew-how-long through byzantine rooms for the dishes and utensils—

Oh it was the very first section. That was easy.

Telly

Telly didn't move from the cart when they arrived-- he was far too comfortable now.

"Bring them to me to judge," He said airily.

Alastor

"As you command, *mon roi.*" Alastor bowed theatrically, and wandered off into an aisle of plates. "So what are we looking for, any specific colors? Patterns?" He snapped his fingers, "We wanted a little red in the kitchen, didn't we?"

Telly

"Yes, red. Perhaps red and black or red and yellow, to match things. Oh! Oh we could get gold plated silverware and then have red dishes!"

Alastor

"Sure, why not! We probably don't want *solid* red, in case we're eating something red... don't want it to blend in..." A pause as Alastor picked up and examined a plate covered in tiny flowers. "Telly. I know what I want to do with the wall stencils."

Telly

"Oh? What's that, darling?" He turned craning his neck to try and see Alastor.

Alastor

"Flowers." He glanced at the plate he was holding. "Not these flowers." He put it back and hurried back to Telly. "My mother kept flowers called angel's trumpets." Magic light in the shape of flowers appeared around Alastor's head, like trumpets dangling down; for once, they appeared in glowing gold instead of red. "They'd grow in this enormous tree, ten feet tall, and at the end of summer every year the whole thing would be completely covered in flowers! It grew right outside the kitchen window. Half the year, if you tried to look outside, that was all you could see of the garden: angel's trumpets. And, well—any kitchen of mine would feel that much more like home with those things all over it."

Telly

Telly looked at the flowers floating around Alastor, magically. He smiled.

"Oh, those look lovely. I'm sure we could make a stencil of those and paint them in yellow on the walls..."

Alastor

Alastor's smile widened. "You're a peacharino, Pentious." He smooched Telly's forehead and vanished again into the rows of dishes.

Telly

"Peacharino?" He asked, even as Alastor already bounded off. He chuckled, relaxing in his nest of pasta.

"Don't forget to look for a good knife set for you!"

Alastor

"Like a peach, but even more so! Like the difference between *forte* and *fortissimo.*" Somewhere over near Alastor, the lights went dark as he switched into black light, and then back. "Hey, they've got genuine uranium plates over here! They glow and everything! I haven't seen those in decades! Wonder why they stopped making them." He moved on.

Telly

"Probably because uranium is highly radioactive!" Telly called back, laughing. "Grab some of those, I have things I can use them for."

Alastor

He doubled back. "Sure, how many do you want?"

Telly

Telly thought a moment. "Five!"

Alastor

"Five plates..." He returned to drop them off with Telly. "... And one teacup." He daintily set it atop the plates. Isn't it adorable and mildly hazardous.

Telly

Very adorable. Telly inspected them and hummed. "Excellent."

Alastor

"While I'm here, how do you feel about—for example—glass plates?" He summoned up a translucent ruby red saucer, cut with facets on the underside to make it look like crystal, to show Telly. "I saw some I think look very nice, but I'm worried if we hit turbulence or need to make a sharp turn, they're going to be the first things to go."

Telly

"We could prevent anything from happening to them, just would take a little engineering...maybe a little magic." He grinned. "I like them, they'd look good with gold plated silverware."

Alastor

"Do you? In that case, you're going to like *these* even better!" He spun the saucer on the tip of a claw, and when he caught it again it had been switched out for another: similar translucent red, but with the rim painted gold. "As long as you think we can get them all fastened in safely!"

Telly

"I'm certain! My other china survived the warehouse falling on the airship, and those didn't have nearly as much protection as these will have!" Telly winked.

"Get the whole set!"

Alastor

"As you wish!" He poofed away, leaving the plate floating in the air.

He poofed back a moment later, carrying a wooden crate full of similar plates and glasses, and carefully set it on Telly's coils next to the uranium plates. He plucked the floating plate out of the air to add to the crate. "Think we're set for tableware?"

Telly

"Plates and the like, yes, but now you need to find us some gold plated silverware." Telly settled again, after adjusting to make room for the crate.

Alastor

"Isn't it goldware, then?" He pushed the shopping cart up a bit, and then wandered down another aisle. "I mean, it's called silverware because it's usually made out of silver, isn't it?"

Telly

"Yes, but that's why I said gold plated. If it was made just of gold, it would be far too soft to use."

Alastor

"Hm... Fair enough!"

He returned to the cart grinning mischievously, and added a human skull. The skull had salt and pepper shakers in its eye sockets. The shakers said "Ashes to Ashes" and "Dust to Dust". He wandered into the aisle again.

Telly

Telly laughed at the skull and smiled fondly at Alastor. "Clever and funny," He said.

"Oh! Look!" He pointed to a whole display of just gold plated things-- dishes, utensils, even an ice bucket.

Alastor

Alastor ducked back out—already holding a *different* set of gold plated utensils he'd just found—to look at the display. "Now *that's* just obnoxious." Was he saying that because he'd already formed an attachment to the set of cutlery he'd been holding for all of ten seconds? Maybe.

All the same, he looked the display over, grabbed up a second box of utensils, and stuck both boxes in the cart. "I want anyone eating at our place to know that we're pretentious enough to have genuine gold on our silverware, but just tacky enough that the silverware doesn't match." Did he make that up to justify keeping both sets? Maybe.

Telly

Telly snorted, but his smile grew extra wide at the mention of 'our place'. It made his heart flutter. Reaching for Alastor, he snagged his arm and pulled him closer to kiss, soft and meaningful. He pulled away, thumb rubbing against Alastor's arm where he grabbed.

"Sounds wonderful, love. Anything else?"

Alastor

Apparently Telly approved of his plans to make their kitchenware as insufferable as possible! "Well, let's see..." Back to the map! "Rugs, sheets and blankets, bathroom, organization—didn't we already have shelves?—lighting, decoration, plants... Anything you want to see, or are we finished here?" He tapped Telly's tail, "Oh, I need to pick one of those armchairs I marked."

Telly

"I don't think we need anything from those, unless you want to look at the plants? Otherwise, let's circle back to the armchairs, grab those, and go. I'm ready for our bath." He purred.

Alastor

"I wouldn't trust any plants from a furniture store! No no, I'll stock up from someone I trust." He got back up on his cart like a scooter, rolled it backwards, and through a portal into the armchair section.

"Say, where did we leave the eggs?" He didn't remember seeing them for a while.

Telly

"I think searching for yew and ebony for scraping." Telly sat up and put two fingers in his mouth-- but then paused, turning to look at Alastor.

"I'd cover your ears, love, this will be loud."

He put the fingers back in his mouth and gave a loud, shrill whistle. "EGGS! FORM UP!" He shouted. The sound of five pairs of scurrying feet echoed and the Eggs appeared moments later.

"There they are."

Alastor

"Oh, that's right." Alastor tilted his ears down but didn't quite cover them—he could handle loud sounds, no problem—and he didn't quite regret not covering up, but he almost did.

"And here's our hunting team!" He left the cart and flopped down onto the nearest of the chairs he'd marked, time for round two of testing. "How did your quest go?"

Telly

Fourteen saluted. "We found and marked a bunch of yew and ebony stuff! How much did you want, Mr. Bossman, Mr. Radioman?"

Telly hummed, and looked at Alastor. "Well?"

Alastor

Alastor rubbed his chin. He shouldn't need a lot for the final product, but he didn't know how much he'd need to experiment with. "How much is a bunch?" He waved off his own question. "You know what, some of the ebony won't be useful anyway. If it's all marked..." He paused for a moment, searching for the signals—yes, there they were. "Before we take it to the ship, I'll have to hop around and check them all first."

Telly

"Alright. Pick out your chair first, and then we can go check those out, and THEN go home." Telly smiled.

"Oh! You know what? You don't need to check them yourself!" He turned to the Eggs. "EGGS. GO COLLECT WHAT YOU MARKED AND BRING IT BACK HERE, POSTHASTE!"

The Eggs saluted and ran off.

"That should do it."

Alastor

"Oh, they don't need to do that, I could just hop to..." But they'd run off already. Hm. He latched onto the PA system again. "**Anything you need to disassemble to haul to me, leave where it is. It will be faster for me to teleport to check them out.**" On to try another chair. He added to Telly, "Once I've got a chair picked, you can head back to the ship. I'll let the Eggs know if any of their finds need to be disassembled and moved."

Telly

"Alright. I'll get started on the bath then, and you can join me when you've finished up." He smirked and purred. "Sound like a plan?"

Alastor

"Sounds fine to me!" On to another chair. "... I don't know if I like the first one or the third one."

Telly

"So, the second one, then?" His head tilted. "_I_ definitely want the one I coiled on earlier." He pointed. "That one was very, very comfy."

Alastor

"No, I wasn't a fan of the second one. It's only comfortable until you get used to it."

He looked at the one Telly had coiled on. "That looks like my option number three." He relocated himself to flop on it. "And it *feels* like my option three. Say, let me steal this one from time to time and I can get option one!"

Telly

"It's a deal." He grinned and flicked his tongue. The Eggs trotted back, each carrying something. Two seemed to hold ebony items and the other three what one would presume to be yew.

"We left another five things that were too big to move without disassembling! But we brought these!" Nine said, holding what appeared to be a yew rocking chair with....was that a deer hide on the back? It was certainly spotted like one...

Telly blinked, looking at that rocking chair and the Alastor.

Alastor

"Well, look at that!" He lifted the deer hide. "Now, is this bit yew or ebony?" He laughed, let it fall back down, and stepped back. "Huh! I thought yew wood would be lighter." Learn something new every day. "Well, keep all the yew. And the hide, too!" It wasn't a whole lot of wood, all together—safer to keep it all in case he needed it.

He went through the wood, touching each piece to see whether it reacted, kept the ones that did, and then opened a portal to let the Eggs and Telly return to the ship with the last of their haul. As soon as he'd finished checking the last few items, he could join them and finally relax for the night.

Telly

Through the portal they went, the Eggs to put things away, and Telly to draw a bath.

Overall, a very lucrative venture-- but a tiring one. He'd be glad to soak for a while, thinking about all the things they got and all they were planning to do. It would be marvelous.

Alastor

Two items too extravagantly large for his needs, one the wrong kind of ebony, but he directed the Egg Bois to break down and bring in one yew table and one ebony wardrobe—while trying to ignore the entirely new looks and whispers they were directing at him. He and Telly had meant to give the Eggs a reason to distrust Alastor less, but he thought they'd overdone it a bit. Better get back to kissing behind closed doors.

And he elected to start on that as soon as he returned to the ship, in the bathroom, in the tub.

#usedhearts #chat log #((fair warning this one is insanely long for no really good reason)) #((we were like 'if we let them off the leash when will they shut up' and the answer was 'never')) #((we were also furiously chucking pictures of furniture at each other like we're decorating a little dollhouse for our toys to live in)) #((at some point maybe I'll insert links to pictures but like that sounds like work so)) #((I must reiterate: when I say this one is insanely long)) #((I mean 'after we finished this one we had to talk out strategies to make sure they never get this long again' insanely long))

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Party in Pentious’ Parlor - roundabouts Oct 24

In which Angel (@sluttyspiderpolkacock) and Alastor come over to Sir Pentious’s (@hiss-and-vinegar​) and Valera’s (@autokrates​) hotel room for a little hangout/party. Which is interrupted when the eggs that Valera’s been carrying decide now is the perfect time to escape.

Things get very exciting and dramatic for a bit there, especially considering that the eggs aren’t even fertilized.

Highlights include: Angel and Alastor getting invited, respectively, to be Valera’s babe of honor and Sir Pentious’s best man; Valera repeatedly going This Is Fine :) while laying fucking eggs; Alastor deciding teleporting a bunch of booze bottles into midair and letting them crash on the carpet is a great idea; Angel getting all emotionally invested in a bunch of eggs before learning they’re duds; and Sir Pentious fainting in the bath tub.

Valera

Party in Pentious' Parlor is go! Alastor was set to bring snacks, but Valera had prepared drinks for the evening in advance. A few bottles of various alcohols had been set aside, alongside chilled water and a few juices to either enjoy on their own or for mixing purposes. One last look around, hands on her hips. Drinks, check. Entertainment... Some ASMR videos and an eclectic assortment of movies they could fall back on if the music wasn't enough.

Yeah, that seemed sufficient. This wasn't a proper soiree with the nobility, no need to break out the band. A waggle of her fins, and she drops down on the couch, the door to Pentious' suite opening at the flick of her wrist. Prrprrprr

Sir Pentious

Ah, excellent. A party! Sir Pentious didn't sit around doing nothing, he was at the very least helping set things up and throwing Eggbois out of the room.

Valera looked close to bursting and he'd be redamned if he'd let her fall down or something equally as embarrassing. Tail support whenever necessary. Once everything was all set up, he coiled up by the couch, chin resting on his hands as he lay his elbows on himself.

"THE PARTY LOOKS EXQUISITE, MY DEAR."

Valera

Throwing out the eggbois was a monumental task in and of itself, there was always another one popping out of a drawer wearing Val's bra as a headpiece.. Or maybe that was just the one time. Either way, the room was sufficiently cleared for the evening, and that meant Val could take this brief privacy to reach over and slide her hand into Pentious'. Once they had proper guests, he'd most likely try to maintain a bit of distance, so. Best to get her sappiness in now.

"Couldn't have done it without your help, dearest. Are you excited?"

Sir Pentious

"I SUPPOSE I AM! WILL I GET TO SHOOT ANYONE THIS TIME AS WELL? NYAAAA HA HAAAAAAA!"

Nothing like an incredibly loud maniacal laugh right next to your head. Pentious ASMR. His fingers glide over the ring, and he *beams*.

Valera

She snorts, scooting closer to press a kiss to Penny's cheek. Hard to imagine a time when that cackle had been enough to startle her out of sleep. She barely even noticed it now.

"You're not allowed to shoot Angel Dust. Alastor is at your discretion. But if you do, warn me so I can start recording."

Sir Pentious

He's grinning so wide, "FROM THE CONVERSATION THAT WE HAD BEFORE, I DOUBT HE'LL DO ANYTHING THAT COULD WARRANT MY SHOOTING HIM!! HE SEEMS TO WANT TO REMAIN ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOR AROUND ME! WHICH I AM FINE WITH, I DO NOT HAVE TO WATCH OVER MY SHOULDER."

He will anyway, because he's Sir Pentious.

Valera

"He's certainly desperate to befriend you, love. Though actually, that does remind me. In the interest of not having this party go the way Broadway almost did.." An unpleasant memory even now! They'd talked after, sure, but he'd been so upset. The guilt lingered for *weeks.* Her hand squeezes his, tight as she dares.

"I'm going to need you to set the boundaries here. I'll follow your lead, but. Some kind of structure to fall back on would help. Obviously I'm not going to try and straddle you in the middle of the party, but. You know." A wiggle of their clasped hands. She's not sure even THIS would be alright!

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious is watching her with his big wide eyes, watching all of her gesturing and fin flicks. What?? Oh.

He waves a hand, "I AM FINE WITH CONTACT. AS LONG AS ANGEL DUST DOES NOT TRY ANY UNTOWARD ADVANCES ON MY PERSONAGE, THEN I WILL NOT RAISE A FUSS."

Valera

That was both reassuring and completely not helpful at the same time. A sigh, and she smiles at him, a glint of mischief entering her eyes.

"Alright, got it. Drape across your coils and hang off you like a designer scarf."

Sir Pentious

"IF YOU INSIST."

He shrugs! Look at him, this man is socialized to his fish wife. He's really to have a party!!

Valera

Oh. That wasn't the reaction she'd expected. She's caught a bit off guard there, but she manages to dull her reaction down to a nonplussed sort of stare instead of an outright sputter. A few weeks ago he'd have stared at her _aghast_ at the very _idea_ of the faintest whisper of PDA.

"Oh. Well, alright then! I'd expected-- Nevermind." She clears her throat, shifting to sit up properly. "Come here then. I'm not going to make my fiance sit on the floor in his own suite. I'm sure the couch can handle both of us just fine."

Sir Pentious

He slowly uncoils himself, sliding up onto the couch and leaning her head to his shoulder.

A few weeks ago, he hadn't proposed. He was *flying.*

Valera

Well wasn't this nice? Look at him go! From barely tolerating a hand hold to _manually placing_ her head on his shoulder. Not that she'd resisted in the slightest, her arms had wrapped around him the second she clued in on what he was trying to accomplish. Is this fiance privilege? Must be. Gods only know what he'll decide to okay when they're actually married.

Prrr..

Alastor

The party don't start until the Radio Demon walks in because the Radio Demon is the only guy in Hell who always shows up to a party with snacks, and not crappy snacks like a single bag of chips. And also because as far as the Radio Demon was concerned the party did not actually exist until he was present to observe it.

"Hello~! Now, look at this—THIS is a room to have an event in! My! When you check out, we'll have to leave it like this to hold special events." He set a large tray covered in tiny sandwiches next to the drinks, and then poured himself some juice. Gotta have a glass of something in his hand. "That plate on the top right has Veci meat, by the way—I believe both of you had a hand in getting that to me?" He nodded to Valera and Sir Pentious.

Valera

Now, normally Valera would extract herself from Pentious the second she caught the faintest hints of static in the air. But with this sudden shift in boundaries, and the level of comfort she's at? She doesn't even move beyond raising a hand to wave hello to their first guest of the evening. If anything she lays herself out further, giving her fiance a little squeeze as she flashes Alastor her most winning smile.

"Ooh, I'll have to try those later! Glad you could make it, Alastor. Come have a seat, we've just been chit chatting about what we've been up to the last few days. Katsu's been doing his damndest to stress me out, it seems."

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious is a happy snake! C: What a good smile. At the sight of Alastor, he perks up a little more, his hood opening just a touch and he wiggles his talons in the deerman's direction. Ah! Meat of that shark-like veci that Penny shot to death at the first ever party he'd been to with Valera's people. What a fun evening that was.

Angel

Failing to show fashionably late would've been such a movie star faux pas, especially for the most ( in ) famous porn actor in all of Hell. He wasn't irresponsible, however, as he too touted platters and platters of baked goods he'd ( compulsively ) spent the last 24 hours baking ( of his complete and total free will ) . Six of them. A rather ambitious balancing act for the ways his bones begged he BOOGEY, but if nothing else, he was a Pro.

" VALERA ~ ! BABY ~ ! " Angel belted a dramatic entrance as a pop of his hip bumped the door fully ajar. " Good ta see ya! " A nod to each the other gentleman as he set the breadths of his labors beside the other snacks. " Tell me if I'm wrong, but I believe THESE are ya favorites? " He kept the last plate on his person to bring to the lounging couple, a flourish of frosted silver upon their laps. Saving himself the potential conflict of planting a kiss on Valera's forehead, he saluted back to Alastor.

" Ya get dibs on the muffins, Smiles, since I know ya liked 'em ~ "

Alastor

Oh what was Angel doing with snacks? Alastor was to be the snack supplier. Hmph.

On the other hand: more snacks. And Angel's got to do something to offload his recent surplus, Alastor supposed. "Very generous!"

He grabbed a muffin, pulled up a chair near the couch, sat, and replied to Valera's comment. "That's your... nephew, isn't it? Why, what sort of trouble is he getting himself into?"

Valera

If she hadn't been wrapped around Pentious, Valera would have flung herself at Angel, eggs or no eggs. Alas, she must settle for beaming up at her favorite spider as she takes one of her, oh yes, _very much_ favorite treats. "Darlin', I'm so glad to see you. Wouldn't be the same without you here!"

Give her a moment while she devours a snack, _then_ she can turn her attention to Alastor, settling back down against Pentious to _bask_. "The very one. The silly boy thinks he has to use his power to try and fix everything he sees." A pointed raise of her eyebrow at the radio demon. Oh yes, she knows. "Negotiating with demons, throwing himself into danger.. You know, the average hero complex."

Sir Pentious

Oh Angel was here. Sir Pentious' head does that Cobra-esque head movement of sizing someone up as the spider-demon walks in, holding platters of snacks. Hmm! Those would have to be investigated, though for the moment he was content to remain here with his tail slithered all around the couch. He is Looking.

"A FOOLISH LAD, INDEED. WASTING HISSS TIME ON A HERO COMPLEX, HE COULD BE TAKING MATTERSSSS INTO HISSS OWN HANDSSS TO CRUSH HISSS ENEMIES AND NAYSSSAYERSSS."

He's looking up at Angel, still, though the comment was not pointed towards him.... and then he's kind of looking away... What does one SAY to Angel Dust without provoking him or being provoked in return? Hmm. A thought comes to mind! "SSSO! WHAT KIND OF FAVORSSS AM I PRIVY TO, ANGEL DUSSST?" Oh, that part.

Angel

Deepset chuckles reverberated his fluff as he draped his long limbs over the far end of the couch, an idle hand affectionately twirling a strand of Valera's hair. " They ain't SPIKED or anythin', Pen! Ya have my word I wouldn't be doin' that ta y'all ~ " he responded with a fingergun followed by a sneer, " Unless, a course, ya wanna cash in that favor I owe YOU fa layin' off m'boss. THEN we can 'ave us one a MY parties! "

His many eyes glazed over the display as he trailed his snickers. Protein was probably a safer bet than all the carbs he'd inadvertently been loading upon himself. He quickly realized how increasingly WEAK he became for good food the more time he spent at the hotel. Moderation. He'd be fine with moderation. Angel easily reached across the spread for the smallest sandwich to painstakingly nibble on.

" Youse gotta do-gooder nephew? " he asked through pursed lips, " I... think I seen 'em. If he's doin' any DEALIN' though, can't 'elp but think a the usual resident suspect ~ " Angel bobbed the toe of his crossed leg in Alastor's direction. " So. What's my nephew-in-law been gettin' into? As resident drunk uncle, I'm obligated ta know an' give some super sus' advice. "

Alastor

He makes a mental note of which sandwich Angel went for; if he's gonna keep their hotel guest fed, he's got to know what he eats, doesn't he?

He shrugs off the accusation. Making deals with someone's nephew? Certainly isn't him. "Yes, do tell! You're going to have to unpack this 'do gooder' idea a little more for us! You see—in the part of the mortal realm where I came from, making deals with demons is the exact opposite of what a hero does."

Valera

Valera adjusts her position slightly, tail curling around to loosely drape over Angel Dust's waist. Affection for affection, who wouldn't appreciate having their hair played with by the prettiest spider in the joint? It was either that or a glorified seatbelt in case Pentious tried to shove him off. Either way, it's a *heavy* tail. "Oh you wouldn't believe it, Angel Dust. The boy's... Eighteen? Nineteen? And thinks he has to help everyone. Complete bleeding heart. That's only started getting shaken now, since his fool of a mother made a bad deal with Alastor and paid the price for it." A pause, and she nods towards Stick. "Not this one, I mean Match."

She sighs, eyes rolling. "I can't comment on the morality of dealing with demons, but. Apparently he thinks it could work out as long as he negotiated his terms better than she did. And he isn't *wrong*, necessarily, but why make a deal in the first place? Like Penny said, he's already powerful enough on his own without a demon's help."

Angel

" Ah, poor kid. I remember kids, but they were Forty-Two Gang kids. Not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as ya nephew sounds... unless ya can count a fuckin' fix fa murder bright-eyed an bushy-tailed. I GUESS ya can... " He thought hard, more so mouthing a sliver of meat than having intention to chew and swallow. Yet.

" What's he tryna' get outta dealin' wit' a demon? Some fine print ta hilight? A loophole ta wiggle through an' give the basta'd a taste a their own medicine? If he's got any fresh takes on double crossin' the likes a the devils, I'm gonna 'aveta hit 'em up. " Dare he say he's been trying to do just that with his own deal he'd been trapped in for the last... eighty years or so...? No. He couldn't be doing that. What he did need was a drink. Angel placed his once-bitten sandwich on a napkin and went for an entire wine bottle as the thumb of another hand gently stroked Valera's tail for comfort. For anchoring. As they spoke, he was already hitting the clouds.

" He bein'... careful at least? Careful as ya can be when dealin' wit' a- ah fuck it. " Angel took out his phone as he took a long swig. " I'm givin' 'im a talkin to. What's his url again? "

Alastor

Paid the price, hah. Alastor would say it was his alternate who paid a price for her dissatisfaction with her bargain—but he supposes he's just a little bit biased, isn't he?

"Sounds bright-eyed and busy-tailed to me!" Alastor sees why Angel likes those kids. Heck, Alastor kinda likes them now and he hasn't even met them. "So, when you get right down to it, Katsu's motive is less heroism and more of an ego trip? Mommy makes a mistake and her baby boy wants to run out and do the exact same thing, just to prove to her that he can do it better?" Alastor scoffs. "How disrespectful. Childishly so."

He glances at Angel's barely touched sandwich. "I brought a half dozen different types if you don't like that one."

Valera

A shrug, and she squeezes her tail a little tighter around her legitimate and befluffed spider spouse. "Stolen-Godhood, Angel. With a hyphen. The url is literal, but he's a sweet kid. Fair warning that he'll call you uncle given the opportunity, he's big on found family."

Valera glances to Alastor, somewhere close to amused. "All he told me was he wanted to try to improve things. If that's an ego trip, it's an unusually selfless one. Though I think if I were his age I'd be inclined to do the same thing. Proving that you can do better than your elders is part of the standard teenage angst!" She squints, reaching out for a pair of sandwiches. One for herself, the other to drop into Pentious' hand. "..Though I think he'd fit in pretty well with those kids of yours, Angel. He's already offered massive violence on my behalf and *really* wants to steal the wallets from all my guests."

Sir Pentious

Oh! Excellent. A sandwich for Sir Pentious. He was going to have to get up for one but now he doesn't need to move, other than to lift the snack to his mouth and begin nibbling away. Mostly he's just been listening to this conversation about his foolish nephew that he did not know all too well, but one that seemed to desperately want to be close to him.

Found family, hmn... "DOES KATSSSU NOT HAVE ANYONE ELSSSSE? I ALWAYSSS THOUGHT MEREDITH LOOKED RATHER YOUNG TO BE HISSS MOTHER, BUT I AM ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY OR SO YEARS OLD, SSSO WHAT DO I KNOW?" A big grin, his eyes squinting into amused half moons before he turned to look over at Alastor, gesturing with the sandwich in hand.

"THESE ARE GOOD!"

Angel

" N-no! They're good! Ditto's ta Penny! I'm just, uh, pacin' m'self. Gotta keep this body flawless, ah ~ ? " he sang with another long swig before finally allowimg the bottle to dangle off the edge of the sofa, " I'll, er... try 'em all... " A lie? A wish? Not even he could tell, but he found himself distracted by a flurry of anonymous messages offering him affections.

" Uncle Angel's got a nice ring to it, " he mused, freeing his third set of hands run along the smooth, satisfying surface of that gorgeous tail, " Those lil' buggers are prolly runnin' around somewhere down 'ere, but if they ever found ME out, SHIT would I 'ave some fuckin' PROBLEMS on m'hands. Yeah. They'd get along wit' ya nephew, alright. TOO FUCKIN' WELL. Nothin' about the wallets. They could EAT the fuckin' rich fa all I care, but I wouldn't trust 'em not ta get on Big V's bad side. Can't go... RISKIN' THAT. "

Oh would you look at that, the bottle's empty. He needs another. After placing the empty glass down beside the leg of the sofa, Angel reaches to do just that.

Alastor

“I can think of few goals more egotistical than to decide one has both the authority and the ability to shove one’s way into everyone else’s problems, fix everything for these poor helpless strangers, and then go home to congratulate oneself on one’s heroism.” Alastor shakes his head, tisk tisk. “Someone who truly wants to help asks HOW to help—and you didn’t mention this nephew of yours asking. On the other hand, someone who just barges in only wants to flaunt what a good person he is. Just another way to stroke off an overly-engorged sense of self-importance.”

Alastor beams at Sir Pentious. He’d hoped so! “I can give you the recipe.” It isn’t far off from something Sir Pentious himself might bring to a picnic, in Alastor’s opinion—soft bread, meat so tender it nearly falls apart—but pizzazzed up.

He waves Angel back when he sees him reaching for the table. "No no, allow me!" He's not getting him more wine. He's getting him one of each sandwich. That's what you said you wanted, isn't it? Isn't it, Angel? "These rapscallions of yours sound fun! If you do run into them, bring them by the hotel!"

Valera

Valera hums, resting her head on Pentious' chest as she thinks back. Did she have any spicy backstory? Not specifically, but if he followed the same trend as the others she'd known... "I think he got disowned by his biological family? Possibly for protecting a woman from being accosted by a drunk politician, but I'd have to ask for specifics." A shrug, fingers tippy tapping up to grip her fiance's shoulders as she pointedly side-eyes Alastor. "I could be off base, but I think that's what happened. Having a criminal record in Japan can ruin your life. Assault charges against a man in power? Even worse."

But that was neither here nor there. "Regardless. I'd be very sad to see a bunch of bratty kids get on the bad side of any Overlord! Keep a few eyes out, my dearest Angel. I'm sure Charlie would love to get her hands on them." Another affectionate squeeze, muscles rippling under Angel's hands as he strokes along her scales. Oh, but she purrs. Too bad she can't reach the sandwiches without getting up, she's eyeing the Veci flesh hardcore.

Angel

Angel zones out a few, processing the things Alastor says. He was right. To his surprise. His words sounded like they came straight out of some self-help manual the resident lesbian hotel staff kept insisting he read. Which he totally has. In a hypothetical world where he had x-ray vision.

Valera was also right. He couldn't be letting ANYTHING happen to those kids. He'd have to do so under his boss' radar. Can't have THAT sort of reputation hitting the elite, right? Right? Everyone was SO right. It was overwhelming. WHERE WAS THE WINE? HE SWORE IT WAS THERE-

OH, this was very WRONG. Angel finally came too at the sight of a full plate in front of him. His eyes widened and sparkled like the post Extermination sky, but his brows steeped with guilt. Nonetheless, he mustered a teary grin. He couldn't be rude. He'd have to. For many reasons. Most apparent was the hint of drool and all but immediate pleading of his bowels to Get A Grip. He compromised by offering Valera the Veci sandwich out of Alastor's selection. That was the one he started with, right?

" I'm... gonna have to, " he relented with a drag of his sights to the adjacent corner of the room as he took another bite from a sandwich at random. His expression reacted with bliss. " I wouldn't TRUST THEM ta their own devices soon as their hypothetical stake down 'ere hits reality. It comes ta that, I'm gonna be countin' on y'all. "

Alastor

He shrugs off the side-eye on the grounds that he knows he's said and done nothing to warrant it.

Well, if Valera wants the Veci sandwiches, they should say something! Alastor can lean over, grab the plate, and offer it to—oh, Angel got to it. Alastor gives Angel a sharp look for giving away his food; but he started out with that flavor, didn't he? He'll let it slide. Instead Alastor serves himself one and offers the plate to Sir Pentious, want one?

"If they are down here, they've most likely been dead for decades, haven't they? I'm sure they can handle themselves as well as anybody can by now." Angel might have known them as children, but that isn't what they are anymore, not a chance.

Valera

Luxury was a fancy little sandwich being handed to you while you lounge on your man's chest. She accepts the sandwich with a cheerful wiggle of her fins, and a moment later it's gone.

"Mmm! Delicious, you'd never guess he was so insufferable in life. Fine work, Alastor." A pause while she shifts her position again, a hand moving down to rub her stomach. Maybe that was enough food for now, her innards were complaining. "I assume you've heard all about the soiree by now, yes?"

Sir Pentious

*Politicians.* Ah, that would do it, wouldn't it. SIr Pentious doesn't have much to contribute to the conversation, mostly just watching the others and petting Valera's hair. And then he's kind of being addressed again! More sandwiches!! He will happily take the veci meat kind, and bite into it. Mmmm... murderous intent.

"I HADN'T TOLD HIM HOW IT HAD GONE--IT ssssSLIPPED MY MIND."

Angel

Since when was the Radio Demon the angel on anyone's shoulder? He nodded reflectively and sunk back into the sandwiches. They really were good. He could easily absentmindedly eat the whole plate before realizing what he was doing- oh there went HALF.

Alastor

Alastor perks up at the mention of the soirée. "I keep meaning to ask for the story, and we keep getting on other topics instead." He turns away from Angel now that he's sure he's eating and focuses his attention on Sir Pentious. "I've been dying all over again to hear the bloody details!"

Valera

Oh good, Angel was handling the sandwiches without her help. Thank goodness for that! Maybe between the three demons, they could actually clear a platter, bunch of skinny old men that they were.

Valera looks at Pentious in mock offense, gasping ever so daintily as she presses a hand to her cheek. "All this time and you didn't tell him? Well you'd better get to it before I do, my dear. I doubt anyone but Angel would want to hear *my* version of the story."

Sir Pentious

"IT DID NOT COME UP AND I DIDN'T REMEMBER TO TELL HIM!!! AS I SSAID, IT SSLIPPED MY MIND!" Something something old man. Anyway, he sits up straighter, splaying his talons against his chest as he begins to recount the tail, "VALERA INVITED ME TO ONE OF HER PEOPLES' PARTIES! SOME FANCY TO DO, THAT SsssORT OF THING. I KNEW THAT THAT ONE MAN, THE SSSTEWARD THAT HASSS BEEN PESSSTERING VALERA SSO, HE WAS AN ENORMOUS BRUTE OF A FELLOW. HE REALLY MADE A POOR FIRSSSST IMPRESSION, YOU SEE, AS HE CONTINUALLY REFERRED TO VALERA AS 'RUNT' TO HER FACE! AND TO MINE."

Sir Pentious produces his cane--where was he keeping that--and holds it up, "SO I WARNED HIM NOT TO INSSSULT VALERA, FOR SHE WAS BETTER THAN HIM, AND TO NOT INSSSULT ME, EITHER. HE CONTINUED TO DO SSSO.... AND SO, I DID WHAT ANY GENTLEMAN WORTH HISSSS *SALT* WOULD." With a press of a button, the cane transformed into that automatic tinkertoy looking rifle, "I PRESSED THE MUZZLE OF MY RIFLE AGAINST THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD AND BLEW HIS ssssssSKULL APART! NYAAAA HA HA HA HA HAHAAAAAAAAA!"

Alastor

"Oh, I'm sure your version of the story is plenty fascinating," he tells Valera; but yeah, he wants Sir Pentious's. As evidenced by the fact that as soon as Sir Pentious starts telling it, his attention is totally riveted—complete with his invisible studio audience providing oohs, aahs, and applause where appropriate.

He nearly scoots off the edge of his seat when he leans forward to inspect the tinkertoy rifle-cane. "Did you make—? Well, of course you did, what a stupid question! Clever, very clever!" Can he hold it? He wants to hold it. He's half reaching for it like he's just waiting for an invitation to touch it. "Was this the kind of party where committing a murder to defend the honor of one's betrothed is encouraged, or did you two have to beat a hasty retreat?"

Valera

Valera had been content to let Pentious tell the story, but Alastor's questions were enough to have her snort, blurting out a response before she could think about it. "What, you think I'd have to run from my own party?! In my own--" Ahem. She clears her throat, laying herself back down.

"Apologies. Don't mind me. Go on, dear."

Sir Pentious

Oh Alastor is doing the grabby hands. Sir Pentious eyes him a moment before handing the weapon off. It's not loaded anymore, anyway.

"NO NO, WE DIDN'T RUN. IT WAS VALERA'S COURT. THEY COULDN'T *TOUCH* ME. WOULDN'T DARE! I MADE THEM ALL MY--".... Sweats. He clears his throat, "I MADE THEM *QUITE* AWARE OF WHO I *AM*. THEY WERE ALL *QUIVERING* BEFORE MY MIGHT!! OHHH, IT WAS *INVIGORATING.*"

Alastor

“Well, how should I know! On Earth, if a world leader’s fiancé murders someone during a state party, the party’s overrun by police and journalists and that’s the end of the event; in Hell, the same act would probably garner polite applause.”

He eagerly claims the cane and starts examining it, turning it over in his hands and holding it close to study how it re-folds itself when it switches between rifle and cane. Oh, what a beautiful piece of work. He’d love to try this out, see whether the gimmick has taken away from any of its efficiency as a gun...

What did you make them, Sir Pentious? All your what? Go on, Alastor would love to hear. Look at that smirk of his, and it’s getting wider. Whadja make ‘em? “A first impression they won’t soon be forgetting, I’m sure! Pity I didn’t get to see it—you are a sight when you’re performing for an audience!” He’s a sight to see at any time. Go on, keep preening. “No doubt they’d never been in the presence of a bona fide supervillain before.”

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious is really basking in this praise and attention. Look at him! He's petting his talons down his hood, his eyes are closed as he smiles. Oh, he is bad and he knows it!

"THEY ARE TOO USED TO THEIR MAGIC, IT SEEMED. MY MACHINES ARE A COMPLETE *MYSTERY* TO THEM, AND WITH MY FIRST VIOLENT ACT, I WENT FROM MERE PALACE RUMOR TO *FEARSOME LEGEND.* AH, IT WAS LIKE MY LIVING DAYS, THOSE FINAL YEARS! UNTOUCHABLE AND POWERFUL! NO ONE COULD COMPARE TO MY MAGNIFICENCE!!!" He takes Valera's hand, and presses a kiss to it. There's a ring there! "I WON'T HAVE ANY MEMBERS OF THAT COURT INSSSULTING MY LOVE TO MY FACE, OR BEHIND MY BACK. THEY WILL BE DEALT WITH SSSSWIFTLY."

Angel

OH. There's a RING NOW! Angel takes to it with a similar but respectfully distant interest as Alastor took to the cane. He stretches over his now empty platter a little. _He wants to see it, TOO..._

Alastor

“And no one’s ever going to compare, I’m sure! A bunch of too-proud magicians who don’t know what to do in front of a few pieces of cleverly constructed steel—not all that different from down here, is it?”

It’s why Alastor’s convinced that Sir Pentious is the only wanna-be conqueror with a shot at the throne: in terms of magic, the strongest sinner will never equal a fallen angel—but the most sublime, secular human virtue is the capacity to invent machinery that far surpasses any mere mortal’s strengths. Sure, John Henry beat the drill machine—once—but imagine if he’d been running it. And imagine if Sir Pentious had designed it.

For a second there Alastor got so caught up in this man-overthrows-the-devil fantasy that he almost misses the new ring. (It only briefly squeezes his heart.) So that IS what Sir Pentious was robbing a jewelry store for. Alastor knew it.

... He teleports another sandwich onto Angel’s plate while he’s distracted.

Valera

Ah, looks like Angel's caught on! Valera purrs, eyes squinting up as she glances over to her totally legit spusband. "Ah! Yes, we never told them, dearest. Here, Angel, admire my love's workmanship." She pulls her hand away, turning her head to give Pentious a quick peck to the lips as she extends her hand out for the local spider to get a good look at. Oh yes, it *is* shaped nontraditionally. An eel curled around her finger, woven through tiny holes pierced through the webbing to twist in a dramatic shape.

She is looking VERY smug about this. She's been DYING to talk about this since he proposed.

Sir Pentious

Yep. This man's ego is being inflated so much he'll probably float away at this rate. And now everyone was looking at the ring that Valera was wearing.

"I DESIGNED *AND* CRAFTED THAT NUMBER MYSsssSELF! ONLY THE ABSsssOLUTE BESSST FOR MY WIFE."

Angel

" Holy shit that's BLINDIN'! " Angel exclaimed with drama dialed to eleven. He quickly jerked back upon realizing he made himself a fluff sandwich. Nonetheless, the show went on as he brushed the crumbs from his chest and salvaged the important parts. " Nothin less than whatcha deserve, Val. M'glad fa ya both ~ " He smiled sweetly, genuinely. Their love was contagious. " Ya gotta date set fa the I Do's? "

Alastor

Oh, "workmanship"? He didn't just grab one from the jewelry store? (Well, no, of course he wouldn't.) Alastor leans forward to look too. "I was starting to worry you two were going to get to the wedding and realize you'd forgotten a ring." In truth, he half suspected they were going to get to the wedding and realize they'd forgotten to propose entirely. "Why an eel—it's what you get when you cross a fish with a snake?"

Valera

Valera beams back at her friend, smugness forgotten in the face of such a sweet display. Who could be anything less than ecstatic at a time like this?  "Thank you, Angel Dust. No date set yet, but we'll get there."

Alastor could joke, but it had been a real possibility with these two. She snorts, turning her hand to admire the way the ring sparkled. "I wouldn't have put it past us. We nearly _did_. But yes, a nice symbolic cross between us. Penny has a ring too, he just keeps it in his pocket."

Pausing as an idea comes to mind, she grins even wider, reaching out to pat at Angel's hand. "Hey, hey. Be my babe of honor. You wanted to help me plan anyway, might as well get the fancy title. "

Sir Pentious

Oh! That reminded him. Babe of honor... Hmm. Sir Pentious turned his head right over to Alastor, that enormous C smile over most of his face! He leans over on the armrest of the couch, chin resting on the backs of his fingers as he flicks his tongue at the deerman.  Hello~

Angel

Oh how WIDE his eyes BLEW. His jaw dropped but he was speechless. Dramatically, his eyes darted. His throat produced demonic giggles of glee behind clasped hands. Had Angel really been given the opportunity to play such a vital part of what was touted as one of the most important days of one's life? She was right, yes, he had already pitched the assistance. Though he hadn't told anyone or made his presence known, he HAD been browsing their fashion tag ( for reasons undefined but browsing nonetheless. )

When he finally gathered his graces, he grabbed Valera's hand in all four of his and excitedly bounced as much as the muscular tail around his waist would let him.

" OH FUCKIN' HELL YEAH GIVE IT TA ME!! " Angel exclaimed, " If THAT ain't the highest fuckin' honor a BITCH could HAVE! "

Suddenly, he had to be free. He had to wiggle. His arms reached for her, fluff and hips vibrating at a higher frequency than the naked eye could track. Grabby GRABBY. He had to join the newlywed pile and SQUISH her.

Alastor

He watches the exchange between Valera and Angel with quiet surprise, before scooting back into his chair a little and pulling the cane rifle onto his lap to give the vibrating pile of limbs more room to excitedly wiggle around. Are they that close? But they hardly know each other, don't they? Does Valera have so few friends to call upon to perform such an important wedding function? Or maybe Alastor's mistaken—he's only been aware of their familiarity with each other for a few weeks, but then again he's also only been tuned into the same band of the internet as them for a few weeks—perhaps they've been acquainted much longer and simply hadn't brought it up...

... He is being Looked At by Sir Pentious. Alastor meets his gaze questioningly. "Yes?"

Valera

The response is both immediate and everything Val could have hoped for. They wiggle their fins as Angel starts vibrating, the excitement nearly palpable and highly infectious as he clasps her hand in his own. "Wouldn't settle for anything less than the best, babe. I know you'll be *amazing*."

Oh that spider is a WIGGLIN', and good for him! He's freed in moments, and before she can blink Valera is lovingly squished by a pink and white pile of vibrating fluff. They loop their arms around Angel in turn, nuzzling their nose against his cheek with a girlish giggle. Oh wow, that chest fluff really IS as soft as it looks, they could cuddle into that *forever*. But alas, their stomach doesn't really appreciate this kind of squishing nonsense, making its disapproval known with an unpleasant churn that leaves Valera wincing. But fuck that, they're going to cuddle this fuzzy spider _anyway_.

Sir Pentious

Oh shit Angel is suddenly cuddling up on Valera--Sir Pentious' head whips back around to watch with a bit of an indignant pout--but. He had to just *remind* himself that there was no way that Angel would be interested in her that way. This was... friendly cuddling? He and Alastor had lied on each other before, just not this. Aggressively. Sir Pentious was rather certain he would *crush* the deerman under his weight should he attempt something like that.

Back to Alastor--Sir Pentious resumes his charming little pose, "I WASS THINKING... YOU COULD BE MY BESSST MAN!" He didn't really... have any friends, after all. Alastor was one of the few people he knew that really wanted to be around him, and actively enjoyed his presence, and Pentious enjoyed his as well. Platonically, this was the nicest little arrangement he'd had in *years*.

"THAT ISS, IF WEDDINGSS ARE YOUR THING."

Angel

How he loved this fucking fish. Angel couldn't remember the last time he felt so happy for someone else. Valera's wedding. His system full of eggs. The bright future they'd surely have. He could cry. Tears beading from all eight corners, his heightened sensitivity caught on and cut his celebration short. In fact, it hit him like a TRUCK. He was covered in hypersensitive hairs. Sensitive enough to convey SYMPATHY PAINS.

" Oh, fuck, Val, you...? " Angel tuned in. Those weren't nice sounds. He was too close to see his face but he was nonetheless worried. " You ok? Ya ain't soundin' good in there, Babes... " He ceased to let go, but his excitedly suffocating hold turned to more of one carefully beholding glass. Soothing fingers raked their hair, smoothed over scales. A hand even dropped to their stomach to venture a possible feel of the movement. Angel bit his lip, heart beginning to pound through his dense volume of fluff. " ... Snacks not agreein' wit' ya...? Want me t' getcha some water? "

Alastor

Really? Him? HIM? Are they that close? But they hardly know each other, don't they? Does Sir Pentious have so few friends... oh, yeah, he probably does. Who else would be able to do it? Two eggs standing on each other?

Can Alastor go through with it? Can he stand just a few feet away, close enough to touch Sir Pentious as he recites his vows, and watch?

A broad, exuberant smile crosses his face as his heart plummets into his stomach. "Why—my good sir, it would be the greatest honor! And here I thought I was going to have to sneak into the back and steal a slice of wedding cake when no one was looking! I'd come give you a hug too, but the sofa is..." he glances over as Angel starts fussing over Valera, "... looking a little... cramped."

Valera

Valera chuckles, a hint of nerves creeping into their voice as they loosen their grip on Angel and sit up. Their hands rest on Angel's shoulders now, more for support than to keep him close. "Oh don't let us stop you, Alastor." Deep breath. It was probably nothing, they're fine. A gentle squeeze, and they drop their hands down to pat their stomach. Behave, damn you. "Yes, some water sounds good, if you wouldn't mind!"

They're fine. This is fine. They're even smiling! It's a queasy smile, but hey! Points for trying.

Sir Pentious

Oh! Alastor said yes! Nevermind Valera suffering right next to him, Sir Pentious is beaming--all teeth! And those excited half moon eyes. He's looking absolutely delighted. He reaches a hand out to take one of Alastor's, squeezing it with glee, "GOOD, *GOOD!* A MAN I CAN TRUSSSST BY MY SSSIDE. YESSS, INDEED. IT WILL BE--"

His head whips backwards, and he looks to Valera with deep concern, "MY DEAR???" That deep breath, and the fact that Angel was talking to her like that... C o n c e r n . "ARE YOU IN PAIN?"

Angel

He knew that face too well. Gently clasping the sides of their face, Angel glanced to Alastor in a vaguely implicit plea to get the water for him. " Ya look like ya gonna pass out... " He then looked at Penny. Did he know what to do when Valera felt sick? ' In sickness and in health ' and all that jazz...?

But he looked just as confused. What did Alastor know? What did HE know?? If it had been one of his girls in the club he'd immediately flip on his professional switch and handle the situation with three hands tied behind his back.

But THIS was VALERA.

" ... Water ain't gonna be fixin' that, Sweets, uh... " Panic - rimmed eyes looked to Penny and Alastor as he shifted and braced himself to handle more of their weight. _What do we DO?!_

Alastor

And regardless of what Valera says, THAT'S why now is not the appropriate time for him to fling himself all over Sir Pentious. (That, plus, the witnesses.)

He's keeping the hand though. He figures he's about to lose access to it.

Everyone else is already fussing over Valera, no need for Alastor to pile on and give them one more question they have to reply to. He nods slightly at Angel's look, cheerily says, "Brace yourselves!" before opening a portal in the air next to him and watching in mild interest as a dozen booze bottles from the bar downstairs fall through and crash on the ground. He fishes out a plastic water bottle that survived the fall from among the glass shards and offers it to Angel to pass to Valera.

Valera

Oh, well! That sure was a lot of loud breaking glass and a LOT of alcohol hitting the air at once, what a _stench_. In an interesting maneuver, Valera manages to both flinch away and gag at the same time, fins flat to their head as they huddle against Angel's chest and eke out a low whine from their throat. Not a dignified look, really. Lets pretend that didn't happen.

A shake of their head and they pull back, pupils blown wide and smile turned to something of a grimace. "Well if I wasn't in pain *before* I sure am *now*. Cheers, loves." They'll be taking that (slippery with alcohol) water bottle now, thank you. Not a snatch, not from Angel, but they're determined to chug the entire thing down. As fish do. "If what I think is happening is happening? Uh. Fuck." Another wince, and they try again. "I'll be fine, this'll be over in like. Five minutes, I'll probably swear a lot, and then we can all relax. No worries." See? It's all good, no need to fret you poor idiots.

Sir Pentious

--NOW HOLD ON JUST A FUCKING MINUTE!!

There was A LOT HAPPENING! First, Alastor opens a portal and the floor to his room is POSITIVELY RUINED with alcohol and broken glass! The LOUD NOISE, the STENCH-- his hood FLOOPS open and he pulls his hand away from Alastor only to *snarl* at the deerman, "WHAT ARE YOU *DOING* YOU BLITHERING--" Oh, oh-- oh back to Valera. He's looking her over, fingers flexing as he looks her up and down in sheer *panic.*

Oh no, oh no. Oh no! Is she having her eggs???? His experience with child birth was None Experience, but the way of childbirth in Victorian England was not exactly the most *hopeful* of ventures. These eggs were duds, but it wasn't like that was taking away from Penny's anxiety. What was he supposed to do???? "F-FIVE MINUTESS??? MY LOVE, YOU ARE POSSITIVELY *BURSSSTING*, YOU CANNOT BE SSSERIOUSSS! THERE ARE PLENTY OF WORRIESSSS TO BE H-HAD!"

Oh, he's looking pale. Local snake is starting to shake! He can't sweat, so instead he'll just grab the brim of his hat and pull it down in panic!

Angel

Bursting? Uh... O h . Penny's panic dissuaded his own and the pieces started coming together. If The Father was going to be preoccupied and The Best Man was probably going to be NEEDED, it was up to him. It had to be up to him. Planting a soft kiss onto Valera's crown, he cradled their head into his chest and released his tertiary set of arms. This was going to take a LOT of care and a LOT of power.

Angel took a few moments to concentrate, maneuvering his hands about Valera's body to gauge both where her weight was distributed and where she was tender. He then stook out a leg and straightened his back as they were lifted into his many arms, cradled to the best of his ability.

" I'm takin' 'em t' the en suite, " Angel announced as he maneuvered himself and his precious bundle of eggnant fish around the mess, " Um, you two... " He appeared to be struggling much more with his words as opposed to the way he seemed to be breaking all laws of physics. A spindly form such as his shouldn't be able to support such a concentrated mass of raw muscle, right? Especially not one filled with eggs, RIGHT?

" ... Come help when ya can... " Angel didn't intend to be rude or condenscending, but his mouth failed where the sincerity of his eyes attempted to fill before he turned on his heels and made his way.

Alastor

Static hisses quietly around him in alarm as Sir Pentious pulls away. Ow. He probably deserved that, he startled the room more than he'd expected. "In retrospect, I could have been a little less expedient." It's almost an apology.

Damage control. He dropped the mess in a place where it wouldn't NEED to be maneuvered around—he was overly generous in his estimation of everyone else's tolerance for sudden noises, that didn't mean he hadn't put ANY thought into his actions—but even so, he's gonna briefly open a second portal under the pile of broken glass. It doesn't un-soak the carpet, but now the bottles are Husk's problem. Alastor can clean the carpet later, right now he's sure that's a distant second on everyone's list of concerns.

He stands and puts a hand on Sir Pentious's shoulder—he'll risk Sir Pentious's wrath when he clearly needs somebody grounding him. "Steady. Their quantity means they're small and their shape means they're aerodynamic, they"—he narrowly suppresses the urge to say *they'll slip right out*—"have no risk of causing complications." He hasn't a damn clue  if that's true. But he sure sounds like he does. "And we've got magic to help ease the process, haven't we?"

Honestly, in his heart of hearts, he doubts Valera needs anything but to be given a little polite distance by the pair of half-panicked busybodies fussing over them. But if it will calm everyone down enough to let Valera to get through their five minute ordeal without having to manage everyone ELSE'S distress as well, then Alastor had better help more directly. His lower body is already turned toward the bathroom door as he prepares to go see what he can do—but not until he's sure that leaving won't mean turning his back on Sir Pentious during a building panic attack. Either Alastor's got to stabilize him or he's got to make sure that Sir Pentious is going to come along to have his panic attack in the bathroom.

Valera

Bless Angel Dust and all the brain cells he seems to have stolen from the rest of the party. Valera is more than happy to curl up and let him carry her to the en suite, purring softly to self soothe as much as try to comfort her spindly rescuer.

"Bathtub should work." There's the fake casual tone again, but it was better than being hysterical right now. If it was only going to be her and Angel here for this, best to make sure it went smoothly. Which meant taking his sudden competence and rolling with it. "Drop me in, and uh. I don't know, hold my hand?"

Sir Pentious

OooOoohh dear. Alastor's hand is on his shoulder, and Pentious has only just watched Angel carry away his wife. Pentious places a hand to his mouth, listening to Alastor attempt to reassure him with the.... *autonomy* of the situation. He pales further, looking a little ill.

His tongue is hanging out of his mouth in the most pathetic fashion, and he looks towards the en suite, going on quite the face journey. He should be there, but he couldn't *move*, it was like being tied to a dead weight!

*Foolish, stupid old man. Failing your wife again?* Oh no this was a TERRIBLE time for panicked thoughts. His hand grips Alastor's once more, and his mind races as he just looks like he might die!

Angel

" I ain't gonna DROP ya, tesoro ~ " he cooed as he gently lowered them and got lucky with the first cabinet he opened. Without leaving her side, he folded a towel over the edge for her head. " I dunno if ya done this before, but I sure haven't so... "

Angel knelt before the tub and held Valera's hands, dipping the bottom half of his face below the brim as four pairs of puppy dog eyes stared at them, brows twisted wtth worry. " D'ya... want the warm water fa the cramps...? Eggs can't drown, right? "

Alastor

Well, THAT didn’t help. So much for the appeal to logos. Shoot for pathos instead, he supposes.

Alastor lowers his voice. “Listen.” He squeezes Sir Pentious’s hand reassuringly. “Valera’s going to be just fine. I promise you. But I bet she’ll feel better about the whole thing if she has her genius, notorious fiancé at her side.” He nods toward the door encouragingly. “Don’t you think?”

If he thought it would help, he’d pull Sir Pentious into a hug and hold him tight, until whatever’s in his head putting those horrible expressions on his face is gone. But he doubts anything but Sir Pentious’s fiancée can help. So he has to just, sort of, try to telepathically transmit a hug through hand-holding.

Valera

Good thinking, Angel. All Valera's research and prep kind of flew out the window as soon as the situation got real. She settles back, sighing in relief as her hand curls tight around his. "Thanks, babe." She turns her head, flashing him the cheekiest wink she can muster up. "Don't worry, fish are remarkably hard to drown. Water sounds great. Think it'll be us two, or are the two old timers going to show up and make this a _real_ party?"

Sir Pentious

Telepathic hug...

Sir Pentious' eyes widen, his talons tapping against Alastor's hand as he's grounding himself with the other's voice. Genius, *notorious* fiance! Oh, yes... Yes! He SHOULD be there!! Sir Pentious sits up, quite suddenly, and turns his head to Alastor.

"YESSS, YOU'RE RIGHT! YESSS. I SHOULD BE THERE... I CANNOT HAVE THAT SSSPIDER SHOW ME UP!!! I..." Urp. "I WILL! HANDLE THISS!! AS I SHOULD!"

And... he slithers off of the couch, adjusting his bowtie as he enters into the en suite, trying not to look like he's about to die.

Angel

_No fucking DUH..._ Angel silently cursed to himself as an extra hand went for the water and tested it for warmth. That was the benefit to being in Hell ; it came out hot and they had to wait for _cold._

" I dunno, " he sighed, " Pen was lookin' pretty shaken up. He might need a minute or two t'- oh! Speak a the serpentine devil ~ ! " Exasperation turned to relief as he scooted to make way to Valera on his knees. " You ok t' take over fa me? " he said with a respectful offering of his fiancé's hands.

Alastor

Success! Alastor keeps his grip on Sir Pentious's hand as long as he can, but lets him slip free before they reach the en suite. That's for Valera now.

He hovers in the doorway. "Do you need any other assistance, or would I just be adding to the tripping hazards if I came in?" He wouldn't mind coming in—if there's no way he can help, he'd be happy to sit on the toilet lid and provide color commentary—but the room already contains a guy with six arms and a fifteen-foot snake, he doesn't really need to add to the crowd if he's not going to be productive.

Valera

Oh, speak of the devil indeed! Valera grins up at Pentious, in far better spirits now that she's in nice warm water and laying back. Infinitely better than trying to sit on a couch while her body tried to act up. It was unfortunate that her pretty silk nightgown was getting just short of boiled, but ah well. Sacrifices must be made and all that.

Oh, and Alastor too? Goodness, she really did know how to summon them. Another wince, and then she clears her throat and pipes up, overly cheery again. "Unless you've got a nice strip of leather that might survive my teeth gnawing on it, I don't know!"

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious makes his way forward, flicking his tongue in long stretches, *clearly* stressed out with his crazy eyes... but he hunkers down by the tub so that he can grasp Valera's hands in his, and stare into her eyes. Was he looking handsome right now? Absolutely not, but he had to be here! He must! For his wife's sake. And... not. Think about the eggs, and. Urp. Oh, he is paling. Keep the smelling salts on hand,,

"ALASSSTOR." Sir Pentious turns his head round, backwards, "DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE THISSSS ROOM!"

Angel

" Yeah, Al, c'mere. " With a grunt, Angel pushed off his knees and braced himself against the edge of the tub near the running faucet. If not for how _tensely_ he taut his muscles in the high stress of the moment, being on his knees would've felt as natural as laying down...

... but this wasn't about _his_ pain.

" Think they're gonna need ya... " he said assertively with a fish ( pun not intended ) through his fluff for a pen of waterproof liner. " Ya think ya can cash in a favor wit' ya friend Prince, uh... " He couldn't help a nervous snicker as he held it out and ushered Alastor forward. " _Demon's epidurals?_ Whatever it takes, I'll make up fa it. "

Could he compare labor to being shot? Maybe being shot in the DICK, but if that sigil was powerful enough for him to be poked and prodded through with close to no pain at all? Valera deserved that level of relief. He wanted that for him more than anything right about now.

Alastor

"I won't, I'm not leaving." He picks his way around Sir Pentious's tail to stand next to him and squeeze his shoulder again. See? Right here, not going anywhere.

He takes the liner, glances over Valera's body thoughtfully, then says, "I can give you a magical painkiller, but it involves drawing an infernal prince's sigil directly on your skin as close to the point of greatest pain as possible. Do you have any objections to any part of that process? If you DO, I have other painkillers, but they're slower."

Valera

Valera scoots to the edge of the tub, both hands wrapped around Pentious' to try and comfort him with gentle squeezes. "I'll be fine, love. But if this is too much, I won't be upset if you need to leave." Mwah, a kiss for the back of his hand.

Oh, hm. Interesting proposal there, pain relief does sound rather tempting with the way her body is feeling. "If we had more than, at my guess, ten minutes before this was over, I'd consider alternatives. But what's a little infernal magic between friends?" Better to feel hungover later than break Pentious' hand now! Hit her with your best personal space invasion, Alastor.

Sir Pentious

The talk of painkillers is kind of going over Sir Pentious' head. It's not like they didn't exist back when he was alive, but he was more fixated on trying to keep his stomach contents inside of his body, and not faint on the spot, also. Alastor's hand on his shoulder, as well as Valera's hands on his was *very* comforting, and he just kind of sat there, looking stricken with concern.

"HOW-- *INVASSSSIVE* WILL THISSS SSSSSIGIL BE???"

Angel

" He ain't gonna be shovin' it up 'is VAGINA or anythin'! " Angel proclaimed with a twist and drag of his neckline to reveal his bandage, " Just aroun' the top, like he did me 'ere... " He then circled a claw around the spot where his wound was healing. _Modesty ain't the goal here, Penny, c'mon ~_ he mused silently, instead urging the snake prioritize better with his Look. He also reached down to give a section of Penny's tail a gentle pat. Physical reassurance seemed to be doing... something for them both. " It works wonders. _Trust us ~ "_

Alastor

"It was up top for YOU, Angel, because your INJURY was up top. For Valera, in order for me to get as close to the point of the pain as possible—well, truth be told, the only downside to trying to shove it up the aforementioned anatomy is the fact that I wouldn't be able to draw like that! As it is," he nods to Valera, "if you'd be so good as to expose a bit of skin somewhere abdominal where I can draw, please. At least as much surface area as the palm of your hand, as close as you can get to the point of maximum pain."

Valera

Another little squeeze for Pentious' hand, this poor fool looked like he was about to keel over, and then Valera pulls her hands free. Unfortunately, they were needed elsewhere.

"Alastor, as much as I trust your unwavering capacity for professionalism, I think I'll pass on the infernal fisting, for both of our sakes." A snort, and she unbuttons over her stomach, scooting back to make sure it was above the water's surface. Angel's eyeliner was good, but she doubted it was _that_ good. "Have at it, but you may need to towel the area off to get better traction. Fish are slippery and all that."

Sir Pentious

His hood FLOOMPS out with indignant fury at being spoken to that way by Angel, and he moves his tail away from the other!!

"DO NOT TOUCH Me, YOU-" Wait, where. Oh no.

Sir Pentious is going to sit on himself, hands clasped together on his lap and just. Scream internally as he would have to watch Alastor touch his fiancée in such.

Specific places. The talk of slippery and needing better traction as him swallow hard, trying not to think about the fact he was *in the birthing chambers oh God oh God oh God he feels like he's unlocked some long buried repressed memories.*

Sit neatly, Penny. No need for fuss.

Angel

Angel sighed and drained some of the water. That couldn't be a bad call, right? He also reached to revisit the cabinet from prior for another towel. A second one. He gave them both to Valera.

" Here... one fa dryin' and another if ya wanna... cover up, " he mumbled, eyes darting around the room for anything else he could do to try and settle the atmosphere.

Coming up empty, he shifted back towards the faucet to give Alastor some space. He could touch _her_ tail, right? An ankle? Angel leaned back. He'd be at the ready where he was guaranteed to be needed.

Alastor

"Infernal fss—!" Hold on while Alastor's studio audience cracks up. "Hah, no! I don't have the right manicure for that, do I!"

Alastor waits until Valera has toweled a patch of skin dry, then perches on the edge of the tub, leans across it to brace one elbow on the opposite side, and hastily scrawls out Prince Gaap's sigil. He doesn't straighten up until it's started to glow. "There! Instant painkiller—and partial invulnerability to injury as well. You can take a stab or two but don't climb into any trash compactors."

He offers the liner to Angel and squeezes Sir Pentious's shoulder again. There, not so bad, is it? Alastor didn't even have to touch Valera, it was all the liner.

Valera

"Just so, my dear fellow! Maybe next time." She doesn't have a good angle to really study the sigil, but she cranes her head down to take a look, fins flaring in surprise. "Oh! Gaap, huh? How fitting, this sort of thing is just up his alley."

Instant relief! She could _kiss_ the radio man. But she'll settle for laying back again, fixing her position and getting comfortable. Just in time, it'd been getting pretty hard to keep up appearances.

Sir Pentious

Very prickly snake man may have to apologize to Angel Dust later, for being so thankless. This was the primary reason Pentious had so few friends.

He's just watching Valera now, focused on her and reaching out for her hand.

Angel

With a deep sigh of relief, Angel put his liner away and busied himself with fussing over the tap. Particularly the chain connecting the handle to the plug. It was so entertaining. Was he being too loud and obnoxious, jingling and making faces at the thing to manually steer himself from further upsetting Penny? _Perhaps._ But now that Valera was comfortable at long last, the remainder of his nervous energy had go go _somewhere._

Alastor

"Oh, do you know him!" He perks up. "Where did you meet?! We haven't been narrowly missing each other at big parties for the past decade, have we? Say, if I..."

He trails off as he remembers what, exactly, they're in the middle of.

Then he cheerily adds, "Maybe we'll exchange Gaap gossip later."

Valera

She offers a slightly strained smile, but keeps her tone light. "Later, yes. We'll have lunch, make a day of it. It'll be fun." Deep breath, this is it lads.

The actual laying process is, at least on Valera's end, largely uneventful and over with in a few minutes of undignified grimacing and shifting in place. There's a brief stab of dulled pain as the process begins in earnest, but with the combination of adrenaline and magic, she barely feels a thing beyond 'vague discomfort'. Thanks, Alastor.

Three pristine white orbs, roughly the size of ostrich eggs, with soft, leathery shells. The proud (?) Mother sits up, taking a moment to catch her breath before she nudges them out of her robe. She lifts and inspects each egg in turn, turning them this way and that, then drops them back into the water and drapes herself over the edge of the tub, looking quite pleased with herself. "Sturdy shells, healthy sizes and weights. For all intents and purposes, picture perfect eggs. Damn I'm good." Thumbs up for the audience.

Sir Pentious

What was the great Sir Pentious doing for most of this? Trying to not throw up, actually. He kind of looks more like a White Snake right now, swaying a little from side to side... once he sees those eggs? And the thought that they came from inside of her? Oh, and also, the various faces she made before?

Sploosh. He just *fainted*, with his head RIGHT into the tub.

Angel

Valera's making faces... VALERA'S MAKING FACES! At the sound of her beginning grunting, Angel promptly turned from his stimming and leaned towards her from a respectful distance, all four hands clenching the edge of the tub for dear life. For a moment he worried the sigil wasn't working, or was somehow rubbing off in the water. He was a FOOL. His liner wasn't designed for scales. WHAT WERE THEY GOING TO DO-?!

If his face wasn't already stark as a sheet, his fleeing soul took the rest of his pigment from his body upon reaizing he wasn't squeezing just the tub. Sometime during their labor, he'd crept closer and closer and found himself squeezing the living daylights out of Alastor's arm. Angel flailed his arms away as quickly as he realized, but not fast enough to escape THE SPLASH.

All his glorious volume. GONE.

He hugged the rim of the tub right next to Valera to shield himself, just to find himself close enough to the eggs to see their texture. The size of his eyes mirrored their diameter. A BABY could come out of those... They'd need care... protection... guidance... The rest of the en suite felt silent as a void save for the turn of his head towards Valera. Back to the eggs. And to him again. Angel shrunk.

" C... " he struggled, " Can... I hold 'em...? "

Alastor

Initially, Alastor's content (more or less) to remain sitting on the edge of the tub, gaze pointed politely at the ceiling to allow Valera a modicum of dignity.

Which means he’s unalert when SOMEBODY grabs his arm. He beeps out a startled *di-di-dah-dah-di-dit* and shoots Angel a look. Under the circumstances, he’ll let it slide. Considering that Alastor’s the only person in the room who isn’t emotionally compromised, he must look a pillar of reassuring stability, mustn’t he?

When Sir Pentious faints, Alastor elects to share some of that stability, slithers down to the floor, pulls Sir Pentious from the tub, and holds him upright. That's a totally normal friend thing to do, right? Supporting a pal? Helping a homey? Embracing a buddy? Tenderly cradling a comrade in your loving arms? Oh so softly humming a sweet melody to sooth an unconscious amigo? Affectionately allowing a friendaroonie to rest his head upon your shoulder—

Oh, is the show over? Alastor glances into the tub, offers a round of applause from the studio audience, and dryly says, "Well done."

All that fuss for so little. Considering the meager help they provided and the eggs’ infertility, they were less three midwives assisting in a birth and more three gawkers watching somebody shit out an unusually large constipated turd. Alastor should have handed Valera a water bottle, administered a painkiller, and left—and he faintly resents the other two for trapping him in this rude intrusion.

But, well. He's here now. Arms available to all who need support, apparently.

Valera

Sparing a bemused look at Alastor holding up Pentious' unconscious pasta noodle of a corpse, Valera scoops one of the eggs out of the water and offers it out to Angel. "I think the father is usually supposed to hold the results of his efforts first, but seeing as my poor beau wants to play the part of Alastor's fashionable new accessory? You may have the honor."

A snort as she hands the egg off, and she flicks a few drops of water onto Penny's face. "Rise and shine, Sir Pentious. The ordeal is over, wake up before Alastor decides to start eating your children like some kind of opportunistic mongoose."

Sir Pentious

The flecks of water kind of don't do much for him at the moment, since he did end up getting an entire *faceful* of water not that long ago. Maybe smelling salts or something would do the trick!

Angel

If Angel's eyes got any bigger, they'd surpass the borders of his face. An EGG. He was holding AN EGG. His dead demon heart aflutter, he could not contain the way he vibrated. He even forgot how self conscious he would've been in the moment to be sporting a damp, flattened chest.

Gently smoothing his thumbs over the soft, leathery surface, he moved to kneel before the cuddling comrades, affectionate amigos, bosom buddies. " Hey, Pen, buddy... " Angel had no smelling salts on hand, but he attempted to call the snake's attention as he carefully held the egg out to him, ready to retract like LIGHTNING if he so happened to get startled. " It's ya happy lil' mistake ~ Val's wantin' ya t' hold 'em ~ "

He sang and smiled brightly to fruitless avail. Not wanting to risk crossing Penny's boundaries again, he looked to Alastor. " Your turn. Smack 'im, or somethin'. He's more t' forgive you fa that than me, " Angel suggested with a snicker.

Alastor

"I would never," Alastor says, as if the very suggestion was unimaginable. "They're YOUR eggs, OBVIOUSLY the mother and father should have the first opportunity to eat them! I was even going to offer to fry them up for you." What kind of a guest do they take him for, honestly.

"I'm not smacking him. Hold on, I've got some salt of hartshorn." As much as he'd like to continue cuddling his chum, he supposes it's going to look weird if he doesn't help. He opens a small portal—AWAY from Angel—and rummages through it until he withdraws a package of smelling salts. There, sniff that. Wakey wakey.

Valera

"I appreciate the thoughtfulness, Alastor! How did you know I was absolutely starved?"

A snort, and Val drags more of herself out of the tub, upper torso hanging over the edge as she watches the scene. She's never seen someone react to smelling salts before!

Sir Pentious

Well, that whiff was definitely enough to get his eyes fluttering open, and his face *wrinkling* at the scent.

"UGH--WHAT... WHAT?" He was all wet, and he hated that a great deal, and he was being held in Alastor's arms. Hm. Sir Pentious' head swivels to and fro, and he looks to Valera. There's a big smile!

And then he immediately remembers what had happened and pales again, "OH." Feeling foolish, his neck sinks into his collar, "MUSSST EVERYONE SSSTARE AT ME!!!?"

Weh!

Angel

" This lil' thing'd be starin' at ya TOO an' callin' ya DADDY if it 'ad eyes. An' a mouth. " Angel continued presenting the egg in both hands as if it were the most precious thing to exist. He had just the right amount of hands to hold all three as such, but perhaps Penny would gather enough of his graces to fish them out of the tub himself. He agreed with Valera. He should have the honor. ~~But that didn't stop his staring longingly at them from the corner of his eyes.~~ It would take everything in his person to refrain from IMMEDIATELY getting another egg in his hands as soon as Penny relieved him. " C'mon, Pen, say HELLO t' my LIL' FRIEND ~ " he snorted.

Alastor

Alastor loosens his embrace but doesn't quite break it, then politely tips his head back and looks at the ceiling—there, see? Not staring anymore.

"Eyes, a mouth, or an actual life inside it," Alastor mutters wryly, then tips his still-tilted head sideways to roll his eyes to Valera. "I'd bring you some catering from the next room over, but I don't think I've been forgiven yet from the last time I got you a snack."

Valera

Valera watches Pentious' reaction with a snort, then hauls herself up to sit on the edge of the tub and start wringing water out of her poor nightgown. Ugh, wet silk... Ah well, a little magic and it's as flouncy and befluffed with heaps of lace as ever, and now she can properly step out of the tub and join the rest of them on the floor without turning it into a hazard. There, it's a floor party now.

"Perhaps not, Alastor! I suppose I'll survive another hour or so before I start gnawing at anyone's kneecaps." A dramatic sigh, a long stretch, and she settles in to start finger combing her hair. "Angel, honey, I see you eyeing them. It's alright, you can hold them all." A pause, and she scoots over to cuddle up to Angel's side so she can half-murmur to him. "Not sure if Penny dear is up to even looking at them, look how pale he is! My feelings would be hurt if I hadn't expected some level of horror at the process."

Sir Pentious

Feelings *hurt*? Oh no. Usually he wouldn't care but this was Valera, his love, his light. There's a big frown as he looks at one of the eggs.

It's okay now, don't think about how it came out of her--he reaches a shaking hand toward the egg. Being called daddy by a little eelish child.... His eyes to THE THING as he takes hold of the egg with both hands....

And brings it in close against his chest. There might not be anything inside, but.... The fact there *could* be at a later date, a child between him and Valera....

Oh those big eyes aren't going away.

Angel

He didn't need to be told twice. Soon as he handed off the first egg to Penny, Angel dove back into the tub for the rest and promptly sat back up with them. He must've cleared the tub with how much water he threw, but the widest smile he could muster as he cuddled the two duds didn't care.

" They gotta be WARM though, don't they...? " he pouted first at Valera, then down at his chest. Forget FORM. NOW the famous fluff lost its FUNCTION. " Ya got a blowdrier in 'ere? Just gimme a minute wit' it and I'll be toastin' these babies in NO TIME! "

Alastor

Sir Pentious is taking the egg, does that mean it's safe to look at him again—? Oh. Oh look at that wonder on his face.

Nope. Definitely wasn't safe to look yet. Alastor drags his gaze away.

Now, why does Angel care about keeping the eggs warm? If anything, they ought to be kept cold to keep them from spoiling longer. They'd only need to be warm if something was in them—

Alastor's ear twitch as something in him quietly dings in realization. He turns to catch Valera's eye: *do you want to tell him or shall I?*

Valera

Catching Valera's eye is a bit harder than usual with the way she's watching Pentious go from grossed out to over the moon, but once he has it her eyes flicker between him and Angel. Processing, processing, give her a moment while she sorts through egg brain..

"I don't think we have one in here, actually? Penny doesn't have hair, and I don't need one. We'd have to ask Charlie or Niffty.. it's okay though, they'd be..." Oh wait.

The light turns on, and she nods a _go ahead_ to the cherry red radio man. Time to scoot her way to Pentious and give him a lil peck on the cheek with only A LITTLE hesitation. "Hi honey." A familiar doll manifests in Valera's hands, offered out to the proud father himself. She's still SOMEWHAT worried he might faint again, so. Look! A cute doll, easier to think about that!

Sir Pentious

His eyes are so big, it's amazing that they can do that considering he's not a feline. When he's kissed on the cheek, he looks to Valera, flicking his tongue--oh there's a cute doll!!! He remembers this doll. Going to take the doll too................ COBRA PURR. It sounds very horrifying unless you're in love with Sir Pentious,

Don't mind him, he's off in his own world here. Only barely listening to everyone else.

Angel

Off in his own adjacent world, Angel continued holding and beaming at the eggs like a proud mother of twins. If a drier was out of the question at the moment, he could towel dry. They had plenty of towels. He made a quick makeshift nest for the eggs in the middle of his crossed legs before doing due diligence with his fluff.

Then it dawned at him that he wasn't the only one in the room with hair. Fur. No matter. Fluff was fluff and it included deer fluff.

" Hey, Al. " Angel peeked at him from beneath a towel. " Ya got a drier in that void a yours I could borrow? " he asked as a pair of spare hands tucked in the eggs.

Alastor

Oh he's got a cobra purring against him. Said cobra isn't paying attention to him but it doesn't matter. He's being purred on. Hold on. Give him a second. He's having a moment of euphoria here—

—hold on who's talking to him. "Hm?" For a split second, between having rapidly dumped the prior conversation out of his short-term memory and the deep rumbling that Sir Pentious is putting out, he interprets "drier" as a clothing drier and nearly asks if Angel's planning to scramble the eggs in one. "I'm afraid not!"

Then he leans toward Angel as much as he thinks he can get away with without reminding Sir Pentious of where he's sitting, props his elbow on the rim of the tub and his cheek against his hand, nods toward the carefully-constructed nest, and asks, "Oh, Angel? You ARE aware that those eggs aren't alive, aren't you?"

Valera

Pentious and his horrible cobra purrs, charming two people in existence and nobody else. Valera grins, all set to snuggle into his side until she remembers that there are other people in the room. It's fine, she'll settle for a casual drape over his tail as she tunes back in.

"Oh? Uh, yeah Angel. They've got everything they need in there, but no spark of life to kick them off. I feel like I've mentioned that before?" She cocks her head, looking at Angel and his little nest. "Though if I'd known you'd get so parental over them..." A shrug, and she makes a vague, wiggly fingers motion at the eggs in his lap.

Angel

" You-uh... What? " Angel's brows sloped like a church steeple as he fought with how little to believe his ears. For all he knew, Alastor could be mocking him. His eyes almost narrowed, but rapidly MOISTENED as he took in what Valera had to say. _Guess they were RIGHT and HE was a paternally lovesick FOOL._

" ... No... " he responded solemnly with a pout, " Must a... went over m'head... " Was that a SNIFFLE? Angel was, in fact, sniffling. Whether it'd come to ANYONE'S surprise was up for debate. Either way, he was embarassed. So he twisted towards the tub and buried his face into his arms as the others hugged the nest.

" What a... " SNIFFLE. " We gonna be doin' wit' em', then...? " He popped a daring eye at Alastor. _' Don't say " eat them " , don't say " eat them " , **BRO. YA BETTA NOT SAY " EAT THEM " I SWEAR T' MARY JOSEPH AN' JESUS...!**_ '

Alastor

Alastor wants very very badly to laugh at Angel. Instead he stretches out one hand to Angel’s back. Pat pat.

“That’s entirely up to the parents!” Please say eat them, please say eat them, he’d really like to eat them—

Valera

Oh noooo... Valera reaches out, smiling sympathetically as she pats Angel's knee. Many pats on all sides for this spider, there there. "I know I'm the one who made them and all, but I'm leaving that up to my beau! ..Who's probably still out of it. Hang on." She slaps at Penny's back with her tail, just enough to jostle him.

"Babe! What do you want to do with the eggs? Keep them? Throw them out? Feed them to Alastor? Pretty sure Alastor wants to eat them, he's been joking about it the whole time."

Sir Pentious

Oh and jostled he is. His upper body wiggles in place like a cartoon character, comical woobwoobwoo sound and all!

He makes a *face* at Valera for that, promptly remembers he's holding an egg and a doll, and floomps out his hood--Sorry Alastor. You get a hood to the face. Smells like Sir Pentious though.

"EAT THEM??? THROW THEM OUT?!? NO!!! THEY ARE *MINE* AND NO ONE CAN HAVE THEM!!" And with that, he shoves the egg in his hat. The hat is making something akin to an uwu face.

"ANGEL DUST, GIVE ME THE OTHER EGGS AT O----Are you crying???"

Angel

" NO!! " A muffled Angel yelled from a towel, " I AIN'T CRYIN'! YOUSE THE FATHER! **YOU'RE** CRYIN'! "

Without freeing his face from the towel, his secondary and tertiary hands felt about the nest before carefully offering them off to Penny like the precious gems they were.

" THEY AIN'T ALIVE. REMEMBER?? " SNIFF! " THERE AIN'T! NOTHIN' T' BE CRYIN' ABOUT! " If he were to lift his face from that towel, it'd be covered in dusty pink make up and runny mascara. It's his now. He'll have to grope his way down the halls to his room before giving it up.

Alastor

Alastor’s immediately filled with a horrible mix of rage and terror at Valera’s words—it’s fine when HE talks about eating the eggs because he’s been very careful to phrase it as an OFFER to fry them up should the parents be interested, but if Valera’s words are Sir Pentious’s first introduction to the topic he’s going to think Alastor’s been preparing to snatch them up and dart off to the nearest skillet, and there’s another shard chiseled off of the very slender pillar of trust Alastor’s managed to build up with Sir Pentious—

And before he can start to consider damage control, he gets smacked in the face with a hood. He might have enjoyed the scent if he didn’t suddenly have his nose smashed into his face.

By the time Alastor manages to see around Sir Pentious’s hood, Angel is crying, Sir Pentious looks like he might be on the verge of crying, and Alastor’s not sure what to do but exchange a glance with Valera. All this for a bunch of duds.

Valera

Valera's trying not to laugh, she really is. But the melodrama happening in the bathroom is better than any soap opera she's ever seen, and it's happening live, audience participation mandatory! She grins gleefully at Alastor, all her teeth on display, then schools her expression back to the picture of sympathy as she scoots closer to stroke Angel's hair. There there, get a hug you sad spider.

"Hey, it's okay Angel. You're alright! I might be crying too, if I wasn't deathly averse to being vulnerable." Or if she were particularly emotional at the moment, but she's high on adrenaline and magic, not to mention SUPER hungry.

Sir Pentious

.................. He's gonna take these eggs, thank you. Into his hat they go. And then put his hat back on his head.

Strangely, the hat doesn't seem all that different, and it's also not drooping at all.

... Weird.

SIr Pentious sits back, and looks at Alastor with a *squint*. "WERE YOU GOING TO EAT THEM??? THEY CAME OUT OF MY WIFE, ALASTOR." That's as *Dude* as it gets.

Angel

Angel turned into Valera's chest to hide and try to preserve some dignity. He carefully wiped his face and eyes, intending to do so until no more makeup came off, but Penny yelling at Alastor caught his attention. A reddened eye subtly peeked from the fluff of the towel to catch the next act of drama now that he was off center stage.

Alastor

“*Valera* said I was going to eat them,” Alastor clarified patiently. “*I* said—*after* this initial accusation was made—that if the parents *wanted,* I would be *willing* to cook them up for you. I didn’t broach the topic and once it was broached I didn’t even ask to eat them myself. This is character assassination.”

Valera

The accused fish snorts, no venom in their voice as they lovingly combs their claws through Angel's hair. The gentlest little head scratches. You would accuse them, Alastor? They're over here looking like the next Virgin Mary comforting this weeping wannabe dad, and you accuse them of character assassination? Unbelievable. They'd be offended if they didn't love every second of this. "A vicious attack against the local cannibal, truly. He has a point though, he never said it outright."

They'll leave the implications of that statement up to interpretation, right now they have to nuzzle their face into top of Angel's head and purr for him. See? Much too busy comforting their friend for such things.

Sir Pentious

Sir Pentious blinked, looking from Alastor to Valera before he LAUGHED, putting an arm around Alastor and *bumping* his head to the deerman's.

"CHARACTER ASSSSSASSSSSINATION?? WHY, THAT MUSSSST BE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN KILL YOU IN HELL, MAN! NYA HA HA HAAAAAAA!"

Angel

There's still a bit of blackened smudge around his eyes, but OH is he in _BLISS!_ Instinctively, Angel's cheek chases the rumble of their throat and digs into the bones of Valera's collar for some more of that sweet, _sweet_ sensation. No drama. Just purring ~

Followed by snickering. Alastor's a bit _invested,_ isn't he?

Alastor

Is he ever invested. His eyes fly wide open when Sir Pentious pulls him in to bump, and then slide shut as he leeeans into the touch.

"The Radio Demon's only weakness." He's grinning dumbly, oh, this is so nice. Can he hug back, he's gonna hug back. "When you're as dangerous as I am, the only part of you that can be damaged is your reputation!"

Valera

Valera narrows her eyes, but holds her tongue, ignoring Pentious and Alastor in favor of doting on Angel. Just gonna curl her tail around the spusband and stay in her lane here.

A gentle murmur into that soft fluff. "I'm sorry Angel, if I'd known you were so excited about them being fertile eggs, I could have done something about it! But tell you what. Whenever I have a *real* clutch, I'll let you suggest a name, okay? Not guaranteed to use it, but I'll consider it."

Sir Pentious

It's a good thing that Sir Pentious couldn't see that eye narrowing, or else the mood would have taken a sharp turn into frigid winters. He was completely oblivious to Alastor's true feelings for him, assuming this was all well and good for friends to do. It was acceptable in his day, at least, for male friends to hang out like so and topple over one another. Although, he didn't really have friends of his own to topple with, so... this could be why he was so strange about it.

"AH, YESS! THAT ISS TRUE!! I SSTILL CONSSIDER MYSSSELF A MAN OF REPUTATION, OF A CERTAIN SSSTANDING! ALTHOUGH I DOUBT YOURSSS IS TARNISHED FROM WANTING TO EAT EGGSS. YOU DO EAT *PEOPLE.* IF YOU ARE SSSO SSSTARVED FOR AN OVAL DISH, YOU COULD GRAB ONE OF MINE!!!" A pause, "EGG BOIS. I MEAN EGG BOISS." WHat else would you have meant,

And then his eyes kind of go cross eyed.

"WHY ARE WE ALL SSITTING ON THE FLOOR!?"

Angel

The spider stifled some more GIGGLES when Valera offered him the high honor. TOO high an honor. Not so much because of WHO she was asking, but where the MOBSTER came from and the CUSTOMS they had.

" Oh, no. Babe. _No~_ " Angel earnestly prepared to administer himself a burn. " Have ya EVER heard a the names mafiosi come up wit' fa each other? Ontop a that, I gave M'SELF the name Angel Dust. Ya gonna end up wit' a name like Ecstasy. 'Cause that's what it fuckin'... FELT LIKE thinkin' these bambinos was live... "

He then plastered a playfully shameful hand over his face, sandwiching his head between that and Valera's chest. " Or _Babyface Bobby._ " YEAH. NO. Don't HUMOR HIM.

" Well there's only one seat in 'ere, " Angel joked with a jut of a thumb towards the toilet, " This place ain't made fa an audience, but 'ere we ARE... " He pushed up from Valera just enough to see their face. " Ya doin' ok, Sweets? "

Alastor

"It's not the eating of eggs that would damage my reputation," Alastor said, with an artificial air of great dignity. "It's the suggestion that I would start demanding the infertile offspring of a friend to eat without first waiting to see what said friend wants to do with them! I am not so inconsiderate to my friends!"

His invisible audience laughed at Angel's toilet explanation, and he cheerfully added, "The floor is a perfectly adequate seat!" Then he leaned over to elbow Angel. "If a child can be named Joy or Felicity with no trouble, I don't see any problem with Ecstasy." Look at that shit-eating grin.

Valera

The grin on Val's face is edging towards Maniacally Cheerful as opposed to comforting and maternal, but it's fine. Angel can't be upset if he's busy cracking up like a microwaved egg. The daintiest little gasp, and she places the very tips of her fingers to her cheek.

"But hun, darling, baby, that's exactly what I want! You think any kid unfortunate enough to come out of me is getting a *normal* name? I expect only the FINEST suggestions." A pause to dramatically chef kiss her fingers, and she carries on with gusto. "I'm talking the WORST puns imaginable. Same goes for you, Alastor. Don't let me down."

Sir Pentious

Well now they're all speaking loud enough for Penny to hear them... And he's frowning. Puns??? Of course, he liked a good pun, but. All he could imagine was his beloved future daughter being mocked for having a ridiculous name!

So he begins moving like he's intending to get up, "THE FLOOR ISSS NOT NEARLY AS COMFORTABLE AS THE SSSOFA. I SHALL RETURN THERE! THE LEFTOVER TEA CALLSSSS TO ME." And he swivels his body around, moving to just PICK UP Valera, pulling her into his arms, "ALSO I AM TAKING *MY* WIFE WITH ME." Why does he say that so pointedly. Why are you so aggressive, Penny.

He. Can't fully lift her, but she can ride the Penny Engine out of the bathroom, byeeee.

Angel

In the midst of tossing his head back to LAUGH, Angel bumped his head on the edge of the sink. He only cringed for a second, though, as he all but immediately continued bursting.

" 'AIGHT VAL, I won't let ya down. If ya get yourself another set of triplets, Joy, Felicity, and Ecstacy are contenders. "

He leaned out of the way of the shifting masses of enormous tails, waving off his friend with an imaginary hankie. " Go ahead. I'll clean up all the water and be back after I, uh... dry. " Being seen without his fluff was worse than being seen without makeup. And now the three of them had experienced both.  Angel hid his embarassment best he could with a casual jut of his chin in Alastor's direction.

" Ya need help cleanin' up the bottles, too? "

Alastor

Alastor gets to his feet. Goodness, he’s soaking too. With a flick of one hand he casts the worst of it out of his clothing, leaving himself only slightly damp.

“The glass has already been dealt with.” The glass has already been relocated, at any rate; whether or not it’s been dealt with is up to Husk now. “I can clean up the booze myself!”

He glances around the bathroom, decides he’s been plenty helpful enough already and no need to clean up the water too, and sweeps out to rejoin the party. There’s a whole table of snacks he left behind and he’s starving.

#chat log #autokrates #hissandvinegar #sluttyspiderpolkacock