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mrsquill · 10 months

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My Girl

soft!Joel Miller

Summary: Hi! I don’t write much and I don’t write often, but once an idea takes hold of me, I can’t help it! So here’s this. It’s 1995; and Joel, Tommy and Sarah have been invited to their new neighbourhood’s barbecue. Joel is a little.. nervous.

Notes: Short but (hopefully) sweet! Apologies again if any cultural references are wrong, and I’m using the timeline set by the show. No outbreak is ever going to happen here! I just love soft, domestic Joel and his little family so much. Based on the HBO series characters.

Warnings: Fluff, a little bit sad, swearing, mentions of pregnancy and mental health issues, mentions of parent death (briefly, not Sarah’s mother). I hope that’s everything!

Joel adjusted his shirt collar in the reflection of his bathroom mirror, tugging anxiously at the fabric, anticipating Tommy’s joking remarks about how uncomfortable he looked. Ever since Denise had mentioned the neighbourhood barbecue a few weeks back he’d been dreading it, and the day had finally come. They’d only moved to the street six months ago, and today was the proper initiation.

Not that he didn’t get along with his neighbours; the community was great already, lots of parents sharing school-drop offs, collection from various soccer practices, and helping out in the evenings if parents had work or social commitments. Which Joel did, a lot of the time - specifically, work. He couldn’t remember when he last did anything remotely social.

Tommy was the bigger butterfly out of the two. Joel was happy to hang back and let his baby brother do the introductions; his hands firmly planted on his little girl’s shoulders as he stood shifting nervously from foot to foot, anticipating the hushed questions and raised eyebrows. He knew their family dynamic was a little unusual, but damn, everybody had seen Full House, right?

Truth was, Joel never really had an answer ready when he was approached about Sarah’s mom. She was six now, growing faster and more curious every day. He would never want his daughter to be subjected to petty gossip, so he was pretty closed off in his responses. ‘It’s always just been the three of us’, Joel would smile tightly if someone tried to pry, Sarah’s emotions far more important to him than being known as a grouch.

Sure, Joel would tell Sarah, when she was ready and he felt she was old enough. It was gonna break him; he could feel it already, her big brown eyes filling with tears and squeezing the breath out of him, wondering why her mom wasn’t around. And he’d tell her; she was sick, baby. It wouldn’t have been fair on either of you. Which was true, because she had been.

Melissa hadn’t been ready, and hell if Joel was, either; they were fooling around, both 22-years-old and dumb as shit. It was too late to do anything by the time she’d realised she was pregnant, and Joel felt his life sliding away from him, like a cliff disintegrating into the ocean. Sure, he’d like a kid one day, but now?! Fast forward to the day Sarah arrived, and his future was sewn up. The minute she gripped his pinky tentatively and blinked up at him slowly with his own brown eyes, he was done for. She had Joel’s heart forever.

Melissa took off a few weeks later. They’d been staying with his parents, the atmosphere was claustrophobic at best. Joel knew she was struggling; he’d taken on the night feeds and was an expert with a diaper after the first few weeks, Melissa retreating to their bed and staying there for days on end. He tried in vain to help her, but she refused him at every turn. His momma broke the news to him after he’d come home from a twelve hour day on site, busting his ass to scrape cash together so his daughter could have the best.

Melissa had gone. Sarah was Joel’s responsibility now, she couldn’t be involved. It was making her ill. And that was that. Joel and Tommy bought their first house together a few years later; working all hours getting their contracting business off the ground, Joel’s sole motivation being Sarah’s health and happiness.

She’d wanted a pink bedroom and he’d done it for her; painting late into the night as she snoozed with Tommy on the couch downstairs. His back was creaking miserably like an old fuckin’ man, and his hands were worn in a way that should belong to someone far more advanced in years than he, but nothing in his soul would change that. Sarah was everything to him.

That’s why, Joel reasoned with himself now, it’s important to show up to events like this barbecue. He knew it meant a lot to his little girl; she inherited her talkativeness from her loving uncle, and there was no stopping the amount of friends she was collecting. Sarah had been babbling it about it all week, wanting to break out her best dress and new birthday sneakers.

Joel sighed in front of the mirror; trying to ruffle his black curls into some sort of submission when something caught his eye above his temple in the fluorescent lighting. A grey fuckin’ hair. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his nose, imagining the jokes Tommy would make if he saw. He was 28, dammit. Joel tried to envisage himself with silver streaks throughout his hair and the scruff along his jaw; that shit won’t suit me, he surmised. I’d be better off bald.

Half an hour later, and the three of them were walking across the road to Denise and Carl’s; Texas sun still high in the sky as Tommy carried the brisket like precious cargo, Joel with a case of beer, and Sarah with the sheet cake they’d made that morning under her arm.

Baking and cooking were some of their favourite things to do together; before his momma had died when Sarah was two, she’d insisted her grandbaby be fed well, and Joel knew he was a pretty decent cook. Tommy had snickered a few times at the sight of Joel in an apron, but not a sound was to be heard from him as he’d sit down and eat through hours of Joel’s labour. Typical baby brother behaviour.

Denise greeted them excitedly at the door, thanking them for their contributions and showing them to the backyard. Joel counted about seven different families in attendance: adults milling around the barbecue, younger kids jumping in the pool and the teenagers clustered around the boombox. He wasn’t sure where’d he fit, exactly; unlike his daughter, who sped off towards a group of girls practising a Mariah Carey track without a backwards glance at her daddy.

To Joel’s relief, the evening was relatively painless - Denise must’ve given the others a heads up about us, he mused as he pulled from his third beer, alcohol relaxing his bones. There hadn’t been a question - yet - about his parenting situation; rather, he and Tommy had gained a few potential clients: turned out the Adlers next door were dying for an attic conversion, and the Johnsons would love a bathroom remodel. He was doing good. Joel had surprised himself, smiling as he watched Tommy proving his one and only culinary talent - an expert on the barbecue.

The string lights overhead had begun to glow in an abundance, fiery orange in the setting sun. Denise had finally stolen the boombox from the teens, and had been steadily feeding it her collection of CDs as the night wore on. Joel turned his head as she stood up and clapped her hands, commanding the attention of all in the backyard as a relative hush fell. ‘This one’s real special to me,’ she smiled, indicating the song that had started softly playing - My Girl by The Temptations. ‘I’d like it if we could have a daddy-daughter dance,’ she announced, throwing her hand out to her own elderly father in his chair.

Joel felt himself tense up a little on the bench he was sitting on; fathers and daughters were coming together on the lawn with grins and laughter as the song went on. Sarah stood awkwardly as she eyed her father, knowing - even at six - that this wasn’t his bag. Tommy cleared his throat, indicating to Joel with a shake of his head that his daughter was waiting for him. Joel swallowed; he wasn’t so sure it was a good idea. He was accomplished on the guitar, and could even hold a tune, but dance?

He glanced over at Sarah again; she was chewing her lip anxiously, her soft little hand was outstretched towards him, just like it was the day she was born. Joel heaved himself up and made his way over to her, picking her up easily in his arms. Ain’t no way he could say no to that face. Sarah’s countenance transformed; she grinned at her father, proudly showing off the first tooth she’d lost last week.

‘I’ve got a sweeter song, than the birds in the trees’, Joel crooned softly into her ear, making her giggle as he swayed them together - the most dancing anyone would get out of him. She laid her head on his chest, her brown curls tickling his chin. He rubbed slow circles on her back; the way he always had done to soothe her when she got sick, or got the hiccups after Tommy gave her too much soda. ‘You enjoyin’ yourself, baby girl?’ He asked quietly, pressing a kiss to her hair. Sarah hummed in agreement.

‘Talkin’ ‘bout my girl,’ Joel sung quietly. Sarah turned in his grasp to look up at him. ‘Jessica doesn’t have a daddy,’ she murmured; looking over at a weepy little girl being comforted by a woman Joel assumed was her mom, rocking her back and forth in her lap. ‘That’s very sad, bug,’ he sighed, shifting Sarah in his arms to hold her a little closer; unable to help the comparison with Sarah’s lack of a mother, and wondering if his daughter was thinking the same thing.

‘I told her.. Maybe we could share, because I have the best daddy in the world. I told her that we could all make a pillow fort, because you make them the best - that would be okay, wouldn’t it, daddy?’ Sarah mumbled in earnest, splintering Joel’s heart in two. ‘Yes, baby, that would be okay,’ he choked, pressing another kiss to her hair. ‘That was very kind of you, Sarah,’ he murmured, amazed at her compassion, as the song drew to a close.

Sarah had taught him so much already in six short years; they had really been babies together at the start. Joel’s parenting journey hadn’t been easy, and he knew it would only undoubtedly get harder from here. Small wins, he said to himself, a reminder not to get stuck on the future; worrying about things he couldn’t possibly try to know. He was simply bursting with pride at the way Sarah had so earnestly decided he was the best daddy in the world. For now, that meant this - their life together - was enough. He was enough.

#just joel trying his best ya know #joel miller #sarah miller #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fluff #joel miller the last of us #joel miller tlou #joel miller drabble #sarah miller the last of us #sarah miller tlou #tommy miller #tommy miller tlou #the last of us hbo #the last of us hbo fanfiction #my stuff

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bluebeary-jay · 8 months

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Damage done

Pre/No-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Summary: during a fight with Joel, he unknowingly sends you into a panic attack caused by your previous experiences. he deeply regrets it. (based on this wonderful ask!)

Tags: heavy ANGST, hurt/comfort, angst with happy ending (there's also fluff), established relationship, petnames, soft!Joel (he's trying his best fr 🥺). Several years pre outbreak. please read the warnings carefully

Warnings: fighting, talk and mention about previous abusive relationship, panic attack, emotional distress, self-destructive thoughts

Word count: 4K

A/N: i wrote it partially based on experiences with my own panic attacks, but i know everyone's is different. if there's a warning i missed, please let me know. also i want this man to take care of me so much 😢 anyway, stay safe, darlings, and as always: happy reading and i hope you'll enjoy!! 💕 comments and feedback are greatly appreciated 😌

It had been a rough couple of weeks. Things at your work were rocky to say the least, what with your boss firing several people every week and cutting your salary. Joel didn’t have it much better – from what you understood, two clients suddenly canceled their order, and Tommy got himself thrown into jail, again, breaking his longest record to date. On top of that, little Sarah went down with some kind of flu that was raging in schools recently, and for the last two weeks one of you had to be home with her almost all the time.

So it was probably no wonder that the tension and stress became too much at one point, and you both snapped.

It was about the play at Sarah’s school.

“You promised her, Joel! She was talking about it for the entire week.”

“It’s not my fault we have to go out of town on this date,” he answered through clenched teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose and not looking up at you. “I tried to reschedule, but the commissioning party refused. I can’t help it, for fuck’s sake.”

You were glad Sarah wasn’t home right now to listen to your fight. You dropped her off earlier at her friend’s house because she wanted to practice lines for the play they were doing next week. The play that Joel was apparently planning to miss.

You adored Joel – god, you loved him with all that you had – but he could be so stubborn sometimes, it was driving you up the fricking wall.

“It’s your kid, Joel–”

“Yeah, it’s my kid!” he raised his voice, only now lifting his head. His stare was cold and hard, so unlike how he usually looked at you. “Not yours.”

“Are you kidding me?!” you shouted, hurt by his words and the tone he used. “I’ve been taking care of her, loving her– She is like a daughter to me!”

“But still not yours,” he repeated harshly. That was a low blow, especially when he told you so many times that you might not be Sarah’s biological mother, but it’s obvious you love her like she’s your own blood.

“You’re only saying that ‘cause you know I’m right,” you snarled angrily, and Joel huffed a humorless laugh.

“Of course. You always know better, dont’cha?” He stood up, towering over you, but you didn’t back down. If anything, it only made you more mad, as if he was doing this to intimidate you. “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible father in your eyes, but I have to think about earning money. Especially since it’s only a matter of time ‘till that asshole boss of yours will fire you, too.”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?! You really think so lowly of me to say it won’t be long until I get fired?”

“I don’t– Christ, you’re puttin’ words in my mouth again.”

“Again. Of course.” You spat out and took your sweatshirt from the couch, done with him and this conversation. “I’m going to my home,” you told him dryly. Joel’s nostrils flared and he took a step forward.

“No, you’re not.”

“Fuckin’ watch me,” you muttered under your breath, but loud enough for him to hear.

“We are not finished!!” Joel screamed, his booming voice echoing throughout the house.

It felt like a slap. In one second you froze, all your muscles seized up and a feeling of coldness gripped your heart and throat, sending panic flooding your veins. The sweatshirt you were holding slipped out from your stiff fingers.

Joel has never raised his voice at you like that. Never with such anger and fury. There was a bite to his tone that you couldn’t explain, but which you knew very well – the telltale sign that you went too far, and the other person’s patience was at an end, that now you were going to pay for it.

Your previous boyfriend taught you what it means. It meant bruises and split lips, and screaming when you started crying…

Joel noticed the shift in your behavior right away, and his anger immediately ebbed, replaced by confusion and concern.

“Darlin’?” he murmured the pet name, though it rolled off his tongue heavily and with difficulty.

He was still furious at you and your refusal to understand what he was going through, but it all died down when he saw how wide, how empty your eyes were. Your knees buckled, and you looked like you could fall down at any moment.

Joel didn’t have any idea what was happening with you – but knew that whatever it was, it was his fault.

You, in the meantime, felt like you couldn’t breathe. The man in front of you – you weren’t even sure anymore who that was – took a step forward with his hand lifted, and you quickly backed away, stumbling in the process.

“No! N-no, no, please, I’m sorry–” you started blabbering and sobbing, wrapping one arm around your middle to protect all the main internal organs. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–”

“No, you didn’t…”

“Please… I’m sorry, I swear,” you cried, trembling at this point, but not daring to escape the room. “I’ll be better, just don’t… Please, don’t…”

Joel’s heart broke when he saw you bursting into tears and trying to make yourself as small as possible. All his anger disappeared in a cloud of smoke, replaced by the overpowering need to comfort the girl he loved.

But you seemed so scared when he wanted to come closer… And he didn’t know how to proceed.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he repeated in an even softer tone, his eyebrows scrunching in worry. “Sweetheart… M’not gonna hurt you.”

He took another slow step forward, but that seemed to already be too much, because the trembling intensified and you practically slumped against the wall, one arm around your stomach, and the other squeezing your throat tightly. Joel feared to know the reason why you would do that to yourself.

“Stop, plea– I can’t– I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s okay, my baby, it’s alright…”

He fell down to his knees next to you and reached to take you in his arms, but you started shaking your head violently, backing away and squirming out of his reach.

“No, no, please, I’m sorry! Don’t– don’t touch me!!”

A bile rose up in his throat, and he retreated his hands, holding them low in front of him to show he’s not going to do anything.

“It’s alright, babygirl,” he muttered chokingly, feeling completely helpless and lost about what to do. “You… you’re safe.”

You were crying uncontrollably now, though it seemed like you tried to stifle the never-ending sobs and tears flowing out of your eyes, in result making your entire body shake. You flinched – actually flinched – when Joel opened his mouth, and your fingers around your throat tightened their grip.

“No,” Joel said decisively, breaking your wish and grabbing your wrists, moving them away from your neck where red crescents started to form. “Baby, please, don’t.”

“Let go!!” It was hard to distinguish the words from between your cries, but the message your body language was conveying was clear as day. “No, don’t… me…” You sobbed again, quickly weakening despite your efforts. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“Come ‘ere,” Joel whispered in a voice full of pain, carefully shifting closer and wrapping his arms around you, though being careful not to make you feel too crowded or trapped. “Shhh… it’s Joel, darlin’, m’here.”

Surprisingly, you let him hold you – maybe it was just because you didn’t have strength to resist and fight back anymore, Joel thought, but maybe you recognized him. Maybe it was both. But the tears didn’t stop. No matter how gently he stroked your back or whispered reassuring words, you couldn’t seem to stop crying.

Several times in the next couple of minutes you tried to grasp your neck or arm again, but every time he delicately, though firmly, moved them away. You still babbled half-intelligible apologies and pleas, and each time your voice broke or hitched on another fearful word, Joel’s heart was shattering into a million pieces all over again.

“I’m sorry…” you sobbed again, trembling in his arms. “I’m sorry, don’t hurt me, p-please–...”

“My darlin’...” Joel held you closer and more securely in his arms, rocking you back and forth. “Sweetheart, my sweet, sweet girl… I’m never gonna hurt you, I swear.” He planted soft, delicate kisses on your hair. Even though he wanted to hug you tightly, to show you how much he loves and cares about you, he restrained himself and tried to keep his touch as gentle as possible. “I swear, my babygirl, m’sorry, so sorry for screamin’... Didn’t mean to.”

You were still crying, albeit weaker now, in his arms, clinging to him like your life depended on it. Joel could feel your nails digging themselves into the skin of his back, but it was the furthest thing on his mind – hell, he could start bleeding and still it wouldn’t be as important as comforting you at this moment. Better him than you.

“I love you s’much, my babygirl, my life,” Joel continued murmuring into the top of your head, feeling close to crying himself when your tears seemingly couldn’t stop flowing. “M’so sorry. I won’t ever hurt you like that again, I swear…”

His words, though full of love and compassion, rolled off you like water off a duck’s back, and you still couldn’t locate yourself, couldn’t tether your being to this world and make sense of the difference between what you knew should happen, and what was actually happening.

Your whole body was hurting, yes, but it wasn’t the pain of being repeatedly hit. You could barely hear your own cries, but it wasn’t because of vicious and cruel words being thrown at you. You knew it was Joel you were clinging to, and he never hurt you in this way, but… but you also were never so angry at each other. You never fought like this – and experience taught you that crossing that invisible line will carry certain consequences.

You weren’t angry now. You were scared. And confused.

“Joel,” you whimpered between gasps, struggling to breathe through your rapid sobs. “I’m sorry. Please, don’t– don’t go.”

“M’not leavin’ ya, babygirl.” He spoke into your hair, closing his eyes. “M’not goin’ anywhere.”

You were calming down a little now, the sobs wrecking your body and breaking Joel’s heart dying down, though you were still shivering. Joel continued to hold and soothe you the best he could.

And wondered who must’ve hurt his darling so much that you’d react so badly.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered after a while, sniffling into Joel’s chest, but trying not to get snots on his shirt. Joel sighed sadly, but his hold on you just tightened.

“No, babygirl, my darlin’...” He pressed his lips to your hairline, stroking your back with his other hand. “You have nothin’ to be sorry for, I swear. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” you whimpered pitifully, unable to stop another wave of tears from falling. “I’m sorry I reacted like that. I know… Joel, I know you won’t hurt me. Baby, please.” You took his head in your hands, searching his eyes with fear painted across your face. “I’m so sorry, wasn’t thinking and…”

“Hey. Love, it’s fine.” He placed his own hands on your cheeks, stroking lightly your damp skin with his thumbs. “Don’t say that. M’not angry at you and would never be because of that. It’s… it’s okay.” He petted your hair, trying to relax for your sake, but his chest remained tight. “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

You nodded weakly, though you weren’t sure if you believed him. Joel swallowed heavily and nodded after a while, too.

“Okay. I… I’ll run you a bath,” he whispered, but you held his hand tighter and shook your head with tears gathering in your eyes again.

“No, no! Just s-stay with me, please.”

Joel took your face in his hands, but you closed your eyes, feeling too vulnerable and exhausted to even try to maintain eye contact.

“I’m here, baby. C’mon, just hold onto me.”

He waited until your arms were around his neck before slowly standing up and tucking you securely in his arms. You hid your wet face in the crook of Joel’s neck, breathing in his soothing smell and trying to calm your breathing, which you still found difficult.

Neither of you said anything when he took you to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet seat and started to fill the bathtub with water and soothing oils. You just watched him, wiping your nose every once in a while.

Still remaining silent, Joel extended his hand and helped you stand up. Then, almost with fearful hesitation, he touched the hem of your shirt, sending you a questioning look. You just nodded, not having strength to undress yourself, and lifted your arms, letting him take your clothes off.

You didn’t let go of his hand even after he guided you to sit in the tub. You couldn’t bear being alone with your thoughts right now, and Joel, being as wonderful of a man as he was, stayed by your side as the warmth from the water seeped through your tired bones.

Another several minutes passed before he finally asked the question that was gnawing at him since the very beginning. You must’ve subconsciously known it was coming, cause it didn’t even surprise you.

“Who was it?” he asked quietly. His hand was still caressing your palm with the gentlest of touches, but his eyes were like ice, full of hidden rage and hatred. “Who did this to you, darlin’?”

You wrapped your arms around yourself, not sure whether to answer or not. Ever since you got to know him, Joel has been nothing but kind and understanding, never pressuring you into doing or saying something you didn’t want… but you had a feeling he wasn’t going to let the matter drop.

And honestly, you were afraid to tell him. To admit how your previous relationship looked and what exactly happened to make you act so strongly about something so small. Because… what if he’ll realize how broken you are, how much effort it’d take to put up with you, and he’ll leave? Even if he was willing to take care of you, it was really unlikely that he’d stay – even if he says that now.

You were doing good until today. You managed to hide the issues you had with yourself and all the pain you carried inside, never letting Joel know that something was wrong with you. But now he… he will…

You didn’t want him to leave. He made your life so much better and you loved him to pieces with all your heart, as weak and broken as it was.

You couldn’t lose him.

“Oh, baby…” Joel’s hands cupped your cheeks so carefully and lovingly that you almost started weeping again. “M’not goin’ anywhere. I love ya so much. You’re never gonna lose me.”

You didn’t realize you said those words out loud, but even so, somehow his affirmations didn’t make you feel any better. You wanted them to comfort you, but if anything, they just made you feel sick.

“I’m afraid you’re gonna leave someday,” you whispered hoarsely, keeping your eyes on the slowly disappearing bubbles. “I know I’m being selfish, but I don’t want you to. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Joel. I…” Tears spilled from your eyes again and you shook your head. “I know I’m too much. And… and broken. And I know it sounds like I wanna guilt-trip you, but I’m not, I’m just–” You choked on a sob, and wrapped your arms tighter around yourself, hugging your knees to your chest. “I don’t– don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Sweetheart, look at me, please.” Joel’s hands were rough to the touch, but so incredibly gentle when they guided you to meet his eyes, and a big pit formed in your stomach when you saw how they shone. He was on the verge of tears, too. “Don’t say things like that. Nothin’ is wrong with you. Who…” He sighed again. “Who made you believe such things?”

You didn’t answer at first, but Joel kept staring at you, and – finally – you relented.

“My previous boyfriend. The one I didn’t want to talk about. He– Look, I know he was a horrible person.” You let out a short laugh, but without any joy – or emotions altogether – in it. “And I hate him so much, but he… he was right. About some things.”

“He’s not.” Joel didn’t back down, feeling despair growing inside his chest as he saw the girl he adored with his whole heart put herself down like that. “You’re… fuck, you’re perfect, darlin’, and you didn’t deserve to be treated or talked to this way. M’so sorry it happened to you.”

He brushed some of your hair to the back and sighed silently. He seemed so lost and sad, it made you feel even worse.

“What can I do?”

That stopped the train of your thoughts, and you looked up.

“What?”

“What can I do?” he repeated softly. “To prove t’you that I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Your lips parted, and you were unsure what to say. Joel took your hand in his, delicately tracing patterns on the back of it.

“Babygirl, listen to me. You’re the most precious thing t’me. I don’t care what this asshole told you, but… but none of this is true. And it’s not gonna drive me away from you. Nothin’ is gonna make me leave,” he repeated more firmly, never taking his eyes off you. “Because I love you. More than anythin’ else in the world”

Joel sounded so sincere and desperate, tugging at your heartstrings with his gentle, sad eyes and loving words. The water became cool some time ago, but your insides felt like they were on fire – as if the next breath you were about to take would be your last.

“I’m sorry for everything I said.” You took a shaky breath, trying to keep your voice steady. “I don’t think you’re a bad father. I think you’re the best and most amazing dad Sarah could ever ask for. I didn’t want…” You sniffed and your shoulders started to shake again with silent cries. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m so sorry, I didn’t–”

The sob that you tried to stop with all your might suddenly escaped you, and Joel’s forehead scrunched in worry. He pulled you closer, leaning over the edge of the bathtub. Neither of you concerned yourself with water dripping off your skin, only feeling relieved from each other’s closeness.

“I know, babygirl. M’not mad.” Joel left a lingering kiss on your tearstained cheek, and then a second one on your forehead. “I’m sorry, too. For how I acted and for–” he sighed heavily into your shoulder, “for shouting at ya.”

“You couldn’t have known,” you mumbled, but he shook his head.

“That’s no excuse. I shouldn’t ‘ave done it in the first place.” He relaxed in your arms, and somehow it made your muscles less tense, too. “I’ll see what I can do about that job. So that I can see Sarah’s play.”

You nodded and let your eyelids drop, giving in to the feeling of calm and security that always came with being with Joel.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” you asked quietly. You still were a little afraid that he’s going to turn you down after what happened, but you really didn’t want to stay alone. “With you?”

“‘Course you can. D’ya want to go now?”

You nodded again. Not bathing seemed like a big waste of water, but you didn’t feel strong enough to actually wash your body. And Joel didn’t pressure you – he just bent over and wrapped his strong arms around you, practically pulling you out of the tub by himself.

His clothes were completely soaked when he put you down and reached for the fluffiest towel you had, wrapping it around you like a little cocoon. He got rid of his wet shirt, kissed your head gently and, without a word, scooped you up into his arms again.

“I can stand,” you offered when he started walking towards the bedroom, forcing you to wrap your hands around his neck for support.

“I want to take care of you.”

“But your back pains…”

“I’m not that old yet, sweetheart,” he answered with a half-smile, slowing down and gazing into your eyes softly. “Let me take care of you.”

You brushed his cheek with your fingertips tenderly, eyes flickering across his face. “But you’re always taking care of everyone, Joel.”

His throat bobbed and he almost immediately looked away. It was clear what he was thinking – that according to himself, he wasn’t doing a good enough job. Because you got hurt. Because he was the one who unintentionally hurt you and sent you into a panic attack.

He was silent when he put you down on the bed with care, turning around to fetch one of his shirts from the closet. During this whole time you didn’t say anything, either. Your mind was still a little closed off from when you tried to separate yourself from the painful memories that started to haunt you, and despite Joel’s efforts, it was still difficult to move past the experience.

But your head snapped up when Joel, after helping you put the shirt on, knelt in front of you, took your hand in his and leaned forward to kiss your knee gently.

“M’sorry,” Joel whispered with pain tinging his deep voice. “I’m sorry for sayin’ all those things about you and Sarah. I know you love her.” He pressed his lips to your knee again, and lifted his head, revealing how misty his own eyes were, which in turn made your heart ache even more. “My sweet girl. I swear I won’t ever hurt you again.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” you answered quietly, but Joel shook his head and took a deep breath.

“What can I do?” he repeated his question from earlier, and this time you knew exactly what you needed him for.

“Can you… can you hold me?”

Without missing a beat, Joel raised from his position and enveloped you in his embrace, making you feel safe and protected like never before. You sighed heavily, breathing in his scent and feeling like just by touching you with such love that only he was capable of, he helped you to lift some invisible load from your shoulders.

Despite the headache from all the crying and your chest still tightening with every shallow breath you took, you felt a little better now. You didn’t feel alone.

You knew you were safe with Joel.

It took some time for you to fall asleep, but even when you did, Joel could not find peace in the silky darkness of the evening.

Before you dozed off, Joel vowed again and again how much you mean to him, how you and Sarah are the best things that ever happened to him, and how he’ll never let anything happen to any of you – and he could clearly see that you believed his every word, and that you weren’t mad at him. You weren’t flinching when he rocked you back and forth, or later when he pressed small kisses to your forehead.

But you still were quiet and your face miserable, and several times Joel tucked you in closer to himself when he felt you shaking and sniffing. There wasn’t anything else he could do but hold you and whisper soothing promises into your hair. Once your eyelids started to drop, he began humming a familiar melody he knew you liked, and you nuzzled your face into his neck, curling up in his embrace.

And you whispered ‘I love you’ before you drifted off to an uneasy sleep in his arms. And before he could even answer, you thanked him for loving you.

When he heard it, he had to keep himself from breaking down with the last bit of his strength.

“You mean everythin’ to me, love. Everythin’,” he murmured after a couple of seconds, not even knowing if you were still awake. The guilt in his chest made it hard to breathe, but he pushed through it, and then he softly kissed your forehead, making a promise to himself.

He will find time to go to Sarah’s play with you. And he’ll make it right.

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