#she slept maybe 1.5 hours

[rypnami]

Into the Snake Pit (part 2)

masterpost | part 1

huge thanks to @grandeoatmilklatte and @auxiliare for beta reading! you guys are amazing!

word count: 1.5 k

rating: PG-13

warnings: description of gore, cult mentions/appearance, murder, solomon exists

summary: alice is having trouble coping with the brutal murder of vivianne blackthorne and the rise of the purists. solomon provides unexpected comfort

“Long night?” He asked, trying not to smile

“Wouldn’t you like to know…” Alice grumbled back.

Alice couldn’t sleep. In itself, that wasn’t too unusual; she’d never been one for a healthy sleep schedule. This evening, however, it was different. Not her usual nightly insomnia.

Vivianne Blackthorne had been one of the Auror department’s most talented witches. As one of the most senior members, she’d seen it all. To think that someone had been able to take her down… and in the vicious manner that they had?

Alice wasn’t sure if she’d ever actually sleep again.

Gutted. Limbs everywhere… She yanked her soft red blankets over her head and groaned. Why would anyone do that? Surely, this cult, led by a powerful wizard, could have just used the Killing Curse and been done with it? But no, they’d opted for the most brutal form of murder they could.

She wasn’t sure why she’d been put on this assignment, either. Compared to several of the other Aurors, she and Solomon were fairly new. They’d only worked there for about 5 years at this point, and there were certainly more experienced witches and wizards than them. Not that she was afraid. No, no, not at all… she was never scared.

What if that happens to us, though? More specifically, to her. Solomon was a pureblood, he likely didn’t have a thing to worry about. Out of all the teams to put on this case, why had Minister Spavin assigned them to it? Sure, all Auror work was dangerous, but this felt even more so to Alice specifically.

It was probably best not to think about it.

If only she could turn off her stupid, overactive brain.

—-

The next morning, Solomon was at his desk, reading over the second wave of reports on Anthony Kane, when the door burst open and Alice strode in. She flopped into the chair at her own desk, and he could tell right away something was off.

Deep, dark circles had formed under eyes, and her frizzy ginger hair was even more dishevelled than usual. Her tie was only half done, and her blazer was wrinkled and buttoned in the wrong holes, as though she’d slept in it.

“Long night?” He asked, trying not to smile. Maybe she was tired enough that for once in her life, she wouldn’t be a nuisance.

“You could say that,” Alice muttered, and rested her head on her desk. Her glasses smooshed against her face.

Solomon didn’t press, and went back to his papers. It seemed like Kane and his fanatics were becoming more bold. There’d been an attack near Keenbridge the previous night, and half of the hamlet had been burnt down. Perhaps if he-

His thoughts were cut off abruptly by a loud, annoying snore. Solomon looked up and saw that Alice had fallen asleep, a small puddle of drool forming on her desk. He smiled slightly, in spite of himself, and stood. He pulled his old, slightly worn black blazer off and walked over, putting it across Alice’s shoulders as she slept. He wasn’t quite sure why he’d done that; out of pity, maybe. She really did look quite awful, like she’d had a run-in with a dementor, or something similar.

Once he’d sat back down and continued reading, he’d ever so often glance back up at Alice, to see how she was faring. For the most part, she appeared to be sleeping soundly. Every once in a while, she’d twitch, or mutter some incomprehensible nonsense.

After perhaps an hour, she jerked awake, sitting straight up in her chair and gasping. “Oh, shit, did I fall asleep?!”

He smirked. “You certainly did. Enjoy your beauty sleep, Bernadotte?”

Alice gave him an uncharacteristic scowl and threw his jacket back at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know, Sallow?!”

“Well, for someone who sleeps so much, one would think you’d be much prettier.”

She gave him the darkest look he’d ever seen. “For your information, Solomon, I didn’t sleep at all last night,” she huffed, trying to straighten out her hair. “At least you don’t have much to worry about.”

Solomon quirked an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “What do you mean by that?”

Alice tapped her foot impatiently on the floor, still giving him a grumpy look. “You’re a pureblood. You don’t have to worry about the damn Purists ripping your intestines out!” Unlike Solomon, Alice was muggleborn. Both of her parents had about as much magic in them as a rock. In her opinion, that didn’t make them worth any less than anyone else, but unfortunately, there was a select, vocal minority that thought the opposite.

“Maybe if you thought about someone other than yourself every once in a while, you’d realise we all have problems,” she grumbled snidely.

“Excuse me?!” Solomon spluttered and got to his feet. “I do think of others! I think about you all the time!”

Oh. Shit. I didn’t mean to say that bit out loud.

Alice blinked, the corners of her eyes crinkling slightly as her face shifted back into that usual, annoying expression of self-satisfaction.

“I- I just mean because you’re my partner. And I’m stuck working with you all the time. Of- of course I think about you sometimes!” He really, really hoped that his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt at that moment.

That was definitely a lie. If he was honest, Alice was at the forefront of his mind more often than he’d care to admit. Her annoying jokes, and her annoying giggle, the way the scar on her left eye distracted from how pretty the colour of her eyes actually was… And how fucking obnoxious it was when she’d ask him if “his family was alright.” As if she cared.

Alright… and maybe he sometimes kind of thought about how cute it was when her nose wrinkled up when she laughed.

But that was it. Strictly professional.

Mostly.

She chuckled, and he was frankly relieved to see her back to her old self, even if just for a moment. “Alright, alright, whatever you say…”

“Yes! Whatever I say! I’m the senior officer here!”

Alice grinned. “By three. Months.” She held up three fingers, as if he were too dumb to know much three was.

As if she knew anything. People didn’t call him B-bomb back at Hogwarts for nothing, after all. Three months was a long time, in some respects.

While he sat there, trying to process the very complicated and annoying emotions that were blossoming all of a sudden, Alice came over and sat on his desk (AGAIN). She read the abridged version of the Keenbridge attack, her eyebrows furrowing.

“Christ,” she mumbled, biting her bottom lip as she thought. “These guys are completely mental, aren’t they?” She looked up at Solomon, and he couldn’t help but notice how sparkly her eyes were… “What the bloody hell is in Keenbridge that made it worth burning?” She pointed to the next line on the parchment. “Four people missing, too?” Alice shook her head, her face back to that dark, pensive expression. “How was this allowed to happen? How did no one step in before things got this serious?”

Solomon took the parchment and read over the bit she’d pointed at. “Your guess is as good as mine, really,” he said, more to himself, as he set the page down. “But one thing is clear; we need to find out where they’re going to strike next, and get there first.”

“Great plan,” Alice muttered. “How do you propose we do that, then?”

He threw a large file at her, which she opened. “Oberen Hazza? Who the fuck is that?”

“Maybe finish reading before you ask questions, Alice.”

Alice stuck out her tongue, pushed her glasses back up her nose, and read a bit more. “Kane’s right-hand man, eh?”

Solomon nodded and gave her a rare smile. “Right. The thing is, he’s a bit of a dumbass. Can’t really keep his mouth shut. If we monitor him, I bet within the day we’ll have at least an idea of where or when the next attack will be.”

“Says… he was last seen around Feldcroft,” Alice mused as she finished reading the report. “Quite far from Keenbridge, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Solomon agreed. “Perhaps he’s there to lay low for a while. No one would expect to find him up there. Not much happens in Feldcroft, really.”

“And how would you know?” She asked, smirking that annoying smirk again.

He sighed heavily. “I… have a little place up there.”

Alice snorted at that. “Honestly? I can’t imagine you living in a little farming community. Feels like you’d go mental.”

“Sometimes it feels that way.” Solomon sighed again, regretting the next words before he even said them. “Maybe we should go there. Stay while we look out for him. There’s room for two at my house.”

Idiot. Idiot! What in the name of Merlin are you thinking?!

“Sounds like a plan!” Alice grinned, and it seemed almost… sincere.

Solomon couldn’t help but think this was either the best or worst decision he’d made in his entire life.

#sallow sunday #fanfic #hogwarts legacy #hp fandom #slytherin #solomon sallow #alice bernadotte #hp oc #hogwarts legacy fanfic #fanfiction

[smileymoth]

Soo much has happened today wtf

1) class with the most braindamaged professor on the planet

1.5) me losing the soundfiles

2) me telling my coursemate abt my eating problems??? why did i tell him that. like honestly what was i thinking. hes chill but like

3) i saw my friend again after a while !!! she travelled over from another city for like 8 hours

4) animation workshop

5) slimecicle

6) "deplatform scarian" ????????????????

What in the World was today !!!! Ok its maybe not rhat much it like all of these have sm enerfy involved w them how did i manage. I slept 3.5 hours tonight

#moth post

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

➖ Mature content, 18+ ➖ check the trigger tags each time ➖      

Chapter 30 - Old Messages, pt. 8. Episode 1.

Andy: He woke up as his phone suddenly rang. He looked around disoriented, and when he realized what woke him up, his heart started racing Shit shit shit shit shit! He grabbed his pants with shaking hands, and picks his phone out of his pocket, starring a bit confused at the display, as he saw Gabriella's number, but picked up quickly Ye-yes?

Gabriella: Listen now, and listen very carefully. I know what you and Congo did. How doesn't matter right now. I call to tell you I put a protective shield over the hut you are in, it means no one is able to trace you but me and my family. However, this is a huge task for me, and I'm running out of energy, I have alongside the field put out a sensor of you for A to detect. To him it looks like you have always been at Sparkle's place. You should probably head to her fast and explain to her that she is you alibi. How you will convince her of that is your headache. I would say you have less than 1 and a half hour back of force field and sensor. So kiss Congo goodbye and get on your bike as fast as possible.

Andy: Tears started forming in his eyes and it came through in the tone of his voice Wait Gab… you mean say goodbye for good?

Gabriella: Sighed softly No silly. For now. Andy, I'm running out of energy, please hurry so this all wasn't for nothing. I have told you before, I like A, but you are my family. And I believe you are where you need to be. I'll always protect you and Congo. Send him a big hug, and get going! Both of you!

Andy: Sniffled his nose Thank you Gaby…. Say hi to George.

Gabriella: Oh, and Andy… congrats to both of you.

Andy: Chuckled softly Thank you.

Gabriella: Call me tonight, at 8. I'll be waiting. Hangs up

Congo: Looked at Andy nervously What was that?

Andy: Chuckled between tears Gabriella Chuckled again She says congratulations to both of us, and to give you a big hug he wrapped his arms tight around Congo's neck and kissed his neck softly, then pulled away, sighing deeply. Alright, try to keep up…. judging by the time on my phone, we slept two hours, which brings us right past dawn… but don't freak out. Gabriella has been protecting us with a force field, so no one can find us, except her and her family… she has put some sort of censor up for me, so A will potentially locate me at Sparkle's house. I'm supposed to go there now, and make a deal with her to be my alibi. I'll try to get around telling her where I really was, but if I can't get out of it, I'll call you. Gabriella is running out of energy, so she gives me 1.5 hours maximum, which means I really gotta get going… I'm sorry… but hey, it's good news that we were better hidden than we expected. And Gabriella says she believes I am where I need to be, and that she will always protect me and you…. he smiled softly I guess gets interrupted as his phone rings again oh, it's her again… picks up yes?

Gabriella: Hi sweety… I'm just calling cause I forgot two things… will you please put Congo on?

Andy: Sounded a bit confused sure? Handed the phone to Congo

Congo: Sighed softly Hello Gabriella, sorry for the fuzz, and thank you so very much for your help.

Gabriella: Chuckled softly everything for you two… I'll explain at another time. For now we are in a hurry, and I completely forgot to tell Andy I put a censor up for you as well. I made the censor to look as if you were in the city you use as an excuse to get out of your dads house. But I didn't know any exact location there, so it looks like you have just been moving around to random places, maybe you can explain that with work related issues? You'll come up with something I'm sure. Beside that, I need you to do me a favor. Pack the sheets and hurry to your car. Drive to the decor city and mail the sheets to me. I'll need them to make a protection spells for you and Andy so no vamps or other fine noses will be able to detect the smell of you on Andy or the smell of Andy on you. Again only my people will be excluded from that spell. But since I wont receive the sheets until tomorrow, at least for today I would say gurgle your mouth in some whiskey or vodka, and scrub scrub scrub your body. Throw all clothes in the washing machine and make sure to use plenty of soap and as high degrees as possible. Pass that info on to Andy. And Congo… be patient…. some things will work out in the end… we will talk more when I find a secure place for us to meet. Now, part with him at the hut, don't follow him to his bike, I can only protect one of you when you leave the hut…. kiss each other and then part. You will see each other soon again, I promise. Any questions?

Congo: Sighed softly No, not for now… thank you, for everything.

Gabriella: You are very welcome. I'll call you tonight after I talk with Andy. Should be around 8.30-9.00. See you. Hangs up

Congo: Smiled softly as he hands Andy the phone She has put sensor for me so I look to have been in the city for work, as I originally told Marius. She told me to take the sheets and go to the city now to mail them to her. She will then use them to create a spell which will protect us from anyone smelling me on you, and you on me. But since it wont work until tomorrow, she says that for today we should gurgle our mouth in alcohol and scrub our bodies good. Beside that we should quickly wash our clothes, using plenty of soap and at as high degrees as possible.

Andy: Nodded understanding

Congo: Looked at Andy with flickering eyes Can we trust her?

Andy: Nodded firmly Yes. We can trust her completely. Don't worry your head he placed his palms on Congo's cheeks, caressing him softly She will call me later tonight and I'll figure out as much as possible and then call you. Okay? This will not be the last time we see each other like this, she promised me. He planted a gentle kiss on Congo's lips But if Gabriella says it's time to go, we better do so, so let's get dressed and get out of here before it's too late. He quickly collected their clothes from the floor and handed Congo his, quickly getting dressed and collected the empty water bottles and the left overs of their apples, putting it all in the plastic bag Congo brought, while Congo collected the sheets. As they were done he wrapped his arms tight around Congo and kissed him passionately for good 2 minutes, then pulled back and planted a kiss on his forehead. I love you. Thank you, for everything wiggled his thumb with the ring especially this. He looked a bit sad in his eyes, then sighed softly I have to go…. I'll call you tonight… okay?

Congo: Nodded softly and sighed. But as Andy turned to walk away, he grabbed his wrist and roughly spun him around, letting the sheets drop out of his hands as he wraps his arms around Andy, kissing him passionately I love you too… more than you can imagine… more than anyone else… I'll wait by my phone.

Andy: Kissed the tip of Congo's nose softly I have to run. I'll see you again, soon, I promise! I trust her… so please trust me at least.

Congo: *Nodded softly and sighed deeply as Andy ran out of the door with a warm smile on his face. He used two minutes to make sure they left nothing behind and turning out the lights, then he smiled softly as he heard Andy's bike pass somewhere on the big road leading down the mountain. He quickly left the hut, locking the door and ran up hill, fast getting in his car and drove as fast as possible to the small town, not stopping till he reached the post office. As he walked in, he smiled surprised as he was greeted by George, standing just in front the door.

George: He wrapped his arms around Congo, padding his back roughly Nice to see you again Congo, I'll take these.. *He pointed at the sheets and put them in a bag he had casually hanging over his shoulder, as Congo hands them over. I'm sorry for the slight lying, but we had to give you as little info as possible over the phone. You never know who could be listening. Let's go and sit down, just around the corner there is a small bistro, we can get us a bite of food and something to drink, you must be starving on top of that night *he winked at Congo with a smirky smile* My treat!

Congo: Chuckled softly I feel like I could eat a cow!

George: Chuckled softly Follow me, and oh grabs Congo's hand Congratulations… although I knew he would say yes smiled warmly

Congo: You knew? He looked at George slightly confused

George: Just because Andy hasn't said out loud he loves you, it's not hard to see he does, or that you two are meant for each other smiled warmly

Congo: As they found a booth to sit down in at the bistro, he looked at George a bit wondering So why exactly are we meeting here George? I know this isn't just the 'congratulations train'… or breakfast burritos…

George: He smiled friendly and nodded Correct. I do come with quite a lot of topics, but let's order first, and then I can start filling you in. You'll need some energy to digest all of this. He smiled softly Don't worry, there is mostly good news.,… and here I mean the really good kind.

Congo: Smiled softly That all sounds really welcome, however, I do hear the word mostly, so I wont relax too much until I have heard it all. He picked up a menu and pushed the other menu in Georges direction, quickly running his eyes over the letters so when the waitress joined them, he had already put his menu down, smiling at her politely I'll take a round of the sausages, bacon and eggs with two pieces of bread on the side, 2 blueberry pancakes and a slice of apple pie…. oh, and a big mug of coffee.

George: Nodded at Congo, then turned to the waitress And for me an omelet and a slice of apple pie….. aaand make that 2 big mugs of coffee, please. As the waitress left he padded Congo's hand gently Now listen… this is all a bit on the 'freakshow' side, so if you have questions, or I lose you somewhere, feel free to pause me or ask questions. Gabriella filled me in during the night, so it's all very new for me as well. First and foremost I have to let you know, Gabriella is at Sparkle's house, she is waiting there to greed Andy, and will fill him in on the same things I'll be filing you in on. So when we are done here, you and Andy will know the exact same things, except one matter, which I'll share with you last. Are we okay so far?

Congo: Nodded agreeing and smiled politely at the waitress as she brought their coffee, quickly sipping the coffee a few times to wash his mouth from Andy, more or less against his will, but just to be on the safer side

George: Smiled friendly at Congo and sipped his coffee I'm afraid there's no way to ease you in, so prepare yourself for another roller coaster ride. But hopefully a better one than the previous ones. He took a big breath, and smiled softly You know that old saying, 'he, or she, is my soulmate'?

Congo: He nodded softly and sipped is coffee

George: Well, it's not quite like that… That's more the romanticized, version of it, although it's not far off. I'm sure you know that in many animal species, one or both of the animals picks a mate and stays with that one mate for the rest of their life? It's like that with humans too , but since we are further evolved than many other species, our mating system is also further evolved. Our mating system works as such; Our mates are pre-destined for us, depending on a lot of factors, like genes, smell, taste, good compatibility in DNA and so on. A mate is picked for us when we reach the age of 18, and do we happen to find this person, we will be able to feel a strong connection with them, stronger than with any other person we will ever meet. We will be able to feel a love we never thought existed, and do things we never thought possible for this one person. We only get one mate, so do we miss out on this mate, we will not get assigned another mate. That doesn't mean we are destined to run around living an empty life, we are more than capable of loving other people beside our mate. But do we pick to be with our mate, it's a bond that will rarely ever break again. Picking to be with our mate, and sealing that bond, is done by a marriage ceremony, it does not matter what kind of marriage, in what culture or what religion it is performed in. When two mates are married, almost nothing will be able to break their bond. Mates are as such not made for each other, we are all individually born, and as we grow up, and our personality evolves we will be paired with our mates. These mate-pairs can be detected only by people who practice the old form of art named witchitatu, an old navaho art form of magic. He sipped his coffee and smiled softly at the waitress as she brought their food Thank you very much. As she nods and walks off, he continues Gabriella and her family practices this art… And through that, Gabriella can over time receive information about her own mate, or even mates of other people close to her. This info shows up in the form of visions. Two days ago, when you and Andy declared your love for each other, Gabriella had such strong vision, it woke her up from heavy sleep and gave her nosebleed. She contacted her sister, and together they were able to piece the fragments of the vision together. He smiled softly and sipped his coffee It turns out, sometimes even mother nature screws up. On your 18th birthday, your mate was picked out. But your mate was but a baby when this happened. However, this is not the screw up, since even then as he was an infant, you already shared the bond of mates, which means, your bond is even stronger than regular bonds between mates. However, where the screw up happened was, when your mate grew up, on his 18th birthday, he was assigned not only the mate he already had, but also a second mate. He sighed softly turns out, you are Andy's mate, and therefore he's also your mate… but Andy's second mate… is A.

Congo: He stared at George a bit, letting the fork drop out of his mouth, then he took his napkin, spat out the food he had in his mouth in it. He got up, walking out of the bistro, crossing the road and disappeared between a few trees in the forest across the street

George: Signalled the waiter I'll pay now honey, but please don't take our food, we will be back in 5 minutes… but if we aren't back in 10 you can clear it out, okay? As she nodded George hurried after Congo, finding him sobbing with his forehead against a tree Congo… He placed a soft hand on Congo's upper back, gently stroking him I know it seems hopeless, but you have to…

Congo: Interrupted George I can't compete with him, the creature of the night…. so it's over.

George: Shook his head softly Not necessarily. Hear me out please… this thing, double mating someone, happens rarely, very rarely. But when it does, there's always a stronger connection with one of the mates.

Congo: Sobbed and interrupted again Yes, and I have seen those two together, plus I'm just a mere human… A is all magical and shiny…. plus he has that whole vampire magnetism… Andy sucks it right up!

George: He raised his voice, but kept it warm And yet your connection with Andy is stronger.

Congo: He turned and looked at George with red, teary, confused eyes What?

George: Nodded softly and padded his shoulder

Congo: Sniffled his nose But how? Are you even sure?

George: Positive. We didn't know until this night. Gabriella and her sister performed a spell to guide them to find Andy's strongest connection, and it lead her to you. That whole process is very hush, so she can't tell us the spell itself, we will have to trust her. But she knows what she's doing, and the spell is flawless. There is no doubt, that you are in fact the strongest connected male. If you think about it… why would Andy risk everything he has been fighting for with A, including a marriage and the possibility of becoming immortal, which he so desperately wants, just for the simple reason that he just, two days ago, learned that you are in love with him? Andy's world collapsed when you told him those words, but in the ruins of that, a tiny, but very strong flower grew, and if we protect that flower, it will grow big and impossible to destroy.

Congo: He started sobbing softly again

George: Wrapped his arms around him Come here…

Congo: He spoke between the sobbing So... he's really... truly mine?

George: Nodded firmly Without a doubt. Andy is yours. But since he's also technically A's, we have to work together, to get him out of that whole situation, so he can be united with his strongest mate. And that's the tricky part, but we will not give up till we succeed. I have tried to make both Gaby and her sister look into the future, but everything is very very vague at the moment and constantly shifting, due to Andy being at a crossroad. The first step, is for him to finally choose which mate he wants to be with, and not only choose with his heart. His soul and brain has to be in it as well. When he makes that choice he will step out on one of the two roads, and he will be able to marry either you or A, sealing the mate bond forever. Of course we want him to choose you, for obvious reasons…

Congo: Sighed deeply George, I just want him to be happy… even if that means he will choose A…

George: Smiled softly I know, but Andy will be truly most happy with his strongest connected mate. It's destined Congo. It's meant to be. Sighed softly It wont come easy, and it will most likely be a long and at times dangerous process, and if Andy… when Andy's heart, soul and mind comes together and definitive picks you, we will have to do the marriage ceremony as quickly as possible, so your bond will be impossible to break. That doesn't mean you or any one of the people involved will be immune to whatever A or any other of his kind may want to do to you. So we have to fade Andy out of A's life. Making a clear break will cause too much suspicion, and it won't take him long to figure what is happening, and we, Gabriella's family, are not doubting he will raise hell. So we have to fade Andy out, make sure a break will look like it comes from A's side, and not Andy's, but still keeping Andy safe. It's tricky, its complicated, but it can be done. If you trust us, and if you stay patient.

Congo: Sighed deeply I can't George. I can't put his life in danger.

George: His life is already in danger! We will do our best to protect him, and to strategically plan everything step by step. I promise you, they are very capable people, and they believe in themselves. They have educated themselves on the B family, since they learned about Andy and A's engagement. They are not going into this blindfolded.

Congo: Shook his head and sighed deeply It's still too risky. I will risk anything for him, including my own life. But I wont risk his.

George: I can't guarantee, of course, since I can't predict the future, and the future is constantly changing anyway, depending on what happens in the now… but, I can honestly say, I don't believe it will ever come that far as long as Gabriella's clan and family is involved. If we get Andy through a marriage ceremony with you, Gabriella's family and clan will be willing to adopt you guys. It doesn't change you much, unless you want to. They do not make immortals though, but few minor powers can be passed on for protection, and they can later be taken back, if one would wish. However, in the adoption process, there will be put a code on both of you, Andy already received one when A adopted him. It's a line of numbers or letters on your skin. Us humans can't see them, but immortals can. However, this special form of code Gaby's clan will make on you guys are always kept invisible, unless one of the clan members calls on it to be shown. In a case like that, it will be shown for a minute or two, a small time period, but long enough for the viewer to read that you guys are off limit.

Congo: Frowned deep and groaned I don't like the idea of being owned… I'm not a calf… or horse…

George: Gaby's clan will of course sign a binding paper, that no one is to use you guys in any way. That you are your own persons, and that this adoption has no effect on you besides protection. But of course we understand if you need a few days to think about it, but decisions has to be made soon. Maybe it wouldn't be bad to ask Andy what he thinks? Unfortunately he can't just speak out, saying he picks you, the soul, heart and mind has to fall together in the decision, which can take a while, since he's already engaged to A and furthermore loves him deeply. Your love, and the love he has for you, has to triumph the love he shares with A. Again, it's far from impossible… and as the girls look into the future, they can sense a mortal marriage ceremony… but that's how things looked last night after your engagement, that future can already have changed due to your words here… We do understand if you need some time to catch up with everything… but in order to succeed, we need to start soon. You need to show Andy, how life with you would be, vs the chaotic life with A, he deep down inside knows is no good for him. He loves you Congo, an undeniable love even A is already detecting… if he figures out for sure, you can be sure none of us will ever see Andy again.

Congo: His eyes started flickering and his legs started shaking I know George! But don't put this on me! Don't make me put his life in danger! Don't make me risk his life, risking my own is enough! Being married to Andy, being his mate and him being mine, all of that, sounds like the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine… but the possible bad outcomes are too much to risk. I'm sorry, but I can't! He ran out from between the trees, and as he stood in the middle of the road, thinking about where to run, a big truck came roaring around a corner

George: Yelled at the top of his lungs CONGO! WATCH OUT!!

Congo: *As he turned, and in almost slow motion watches the truck roar towards him, his life flashed before his eyes, and all he saw was Andy smiling, as a single tear ran down his cheek, he closed his eyes, and all sound got drained from his ears, all he saw and heard was Andy smiling and laughing, telling Congo he loves him.

Andy: He padded Congo's cheek firmly Congo? Sniffled his nose Congo? Are you okay?… please open your eyes… please… I beg you…

Congo: Slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times as he sees Andy laying on top of him, with tears streaming down his cheeks. As he opened his eyes a few more times, he can see Gabriella and George standing bent over him as well… and as he started gaining back full conscience he can hear a few people talking around them. He lifted his arms from the ground and wrapped them around Andy, pulling him tight against his chest, speaking in a hoarse voice I'm okay…sssh sssh… I'm okay..

Andy: He gasped and looked at Congo, then started sobbing silently, pressing his face against Congo's chest

Congo: Gently stroked his back and hushed him a few more times, then looked a bit confused at Gabriella and George What happened?

Gabriella: Sparkle insisted I as soon as Andy showed up at her house, would throw him in my car and drive him back up here, she feared you were gonna freak out and take off. So it was better for everyone to fill Andy in on the car ride up here. And luckily we had just parked my car as that truck came roaring, if it wasn't for your crazy fiance, you would have been nothing but a pancake! He flung himself in front of that truck and pushed both of you to safety, just in the last split second before you had both been dust.

Congo: He looked down at Andy with tears in his eyes You idiot… you could have gotten killed! He kissed Andy's hair gently

Andy: He coughed a bit from the sobbing So could you! I already told you, I don't wanna lose you! I can't live without you! So don't make me!

Congo: Hugged him even tighter I'm sorry…

Andy: Sobbed loudly I don't know what's worse? -That you almost got killed or almost left me?! He got up and slapped Congo hard, crawling few meters away, and curled up on the ground, sobbing loudly as his body started shaking

Congo: He sat up straight Andy… I… I don't wanna risk your life… that doesn't mean I don't love you… I love you more than anyone else! He quickly got on his feet and walked to Andy, squatting down next to him, softly stroking his back

Andy: Wiggled his shoulders Don't touch me!

Congo: Sighed softly Andy, please listen to me… you heard the whole story, right?… can't you see it's insane? we will never win… we will only lose! And your life is too much to gamble on an already lost game.

Andy: You don't know how I feel about you! He got up fast you don't know shit! But it's so easy always doubting me! And what we might be able to get if we were together! I'll gladly sacrifice it all, including my life, even if I have never had more will to live than I have now!… cause a life without you… is just something I can't face! And I won't! I didn't even think before throwing myself in front of that truck, I saw you, I saw the truck, and then I flew through the air! I have never felt anything so strong before… EVER! Not even with A! NEVER!

Congo: But Andy… as soon as he tries to leave you, you almost die in the process…

Andy: He shouted between his tears That's because I knew nothing about our love!!! Now I know, and it literally grows stronger and stronger for each second! How can you stand here and deny me only hours after you proposed to me?! I know a lot of things has changed, I know we just got buried under possible the biggest pile of shit we will ever be buried under… but Congo… for fuck sake… George believes I'm strong enough for this… he believes my strength lies in you! Sure I won't stop loving A today, tomorrow and maybe not even a year from now, maybe I'll always love him because of the bond… but I know I love you more… I don't know how that's possible, or how I even know… but I know… I feel it running through my whole body! I feel it right here he pressed a hand against his chest and groaned loudly, as he fell to his knees

Congo: Gasped and grabbed his shoulders What's happening?

Gabriella: Looked confused and scared I don't know… I she looked worried at George

George: Andy… he placed a firm hand on his back Try to breathe, I think you are having a panic attack… try to relax….

Andy: Groaned from pain and grabbed on to Congo's shirt, grinding his teeth as he spoke You… are breaking… my heart! He gasped for air you are breaking…. my heart!

Congo: Looked at Gabriella with despair in his eyes Please do something!

Gabriella: Shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks I have never seen anything like this… I cant help! Only you can help!

Congo: Started sobbing loudly Try to calm down Andy… I'm right here… I won't leave… tell me what to do! Please!

Andy: Sobbed loudly Just love me… just love me forever… just never leave me… I want you… and only you… I don't care at what cost!!!… you are my mate… my true mate… I love you with all of me… don't ever walk away!! Please! It kills me! It kills me inside! I wanna marry you and be yours only! He sobbed loudly why cant you believe in us?

Congo: He fell to his knees, sobbingly leaning his forehead against Andy's Tell me how to fix this! I beg you! I can't stand seeing you like this!

Andy: Sobbed uncontrollably and fell to the ground as he fainted

Congo: Leaned over him and picked up his head from the ground Nononononono don't leave me! Dont leave me! I love you so much, Andy! Come back to me! Please come back! He checked Andy's pulse with shaky hands Please, I can't stand going through this again! I'll do anything if you come back! I'll do this with you! I'll marry you! Just come back and choose me! Please choose me over him! Please! I beg you! I beg you with all my heart! I beg you with my life!

Andy: His skin sorta started glowing, and for a few seconds, he levitated a few cm's over ground, making George look around nervously, but to his relief all of the bistanders had long gone left the scene when nothing seemed to be exiting eough to look at. Andy's face gained a pink glow, and as he opened his eyes they too seem to almost glow. Then he fell back into Congo's arms and sighed deeply, speaking in a calm soothing almost singing voice Congo… I choose you.

Gabriella: Nodded at Congo as he looked up at her, squealing as she wraps her arms around George's throat

Congo: Looked back down at Andy Did all of you choose me?

Andy: Nodded softly Yes… all of me. I feel so calm inside. Like every worry and tension is gone, like Im floating on air. Kiss me…

Congo: Sobbed happily as he pressed his lips against Andy's, drawing him closer to himself

George: Looked at Gabriella as tears starts running down his cheeks, smiling softly Did he really choose?

Gabriella: Smiled bright Yes, yes he did. I feel the energy all around us.

Congo: Sobbed softly as he chuckled happily Did you pick me? Am I really so lucky? I cant even wrap my head around all of this, but Im so fucking happy! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Andy: Chuckled happily through his own tears Don't thank me… Im so fucking happy you are my mate! It's perfect! It's beyond perfect! I wouldn't want it any other way!

Gabriella: Squaded down next to them, drying her eyes with the back of her hand Guys.. she put a hand on each of their shoulders Im sorry to interrupt, my sister is keeping up the field right now, that we hide under, and she cant go for 10 hours straight as I did… so we can't use too much time just sitting around. We still have a few things to sort out before I need to drive Andy back.

Andy: Nodded at her and grabbed the collar of Congo's shirt Just a bit more he pressed his lips against Congo's, french kissing him deeply

Gabriella: Stood up and walked to George You take Congo to the bistro, I'll take Andy to that coffee shop over there pointed on the other side of the street I'll give you guys 15 minutes. Im sorry it has to be so stressful, but we are running out of time. If you are done earlier, just signal me, alright?

George: He nodded and planted a soft kiss on her lips I agree… He cleared his throat Congo? I'm sorry, but I really need you to follow me, we are under a big time pressure…

Congo: Moaned softly and pulled his head away from Andy I'm gonna see you before we leave, I promise you. I'm gonna go with George now, and hurry him up, I promise. He smiled bright and dried his eyes with his sleeve I love you so much! Thank you for saving my life! And thank you for choosing me!

Andy: Nodded agreeing and dried his eyes, then grabbed Congo's hand when he offers to pull him up, kissing Congo a few times on his lips, before he let go of him and followed Gabriella to the coffee shop, where they soon sat down with a bit to drink, both of them deciding on a raspberry smoothie

Congo: He sighed happily as he observed Andy from the window

George: Cleared throat Im sorry to burst your bubble here. But Im afraid I have some really horrible news about Andy, I really need to get out there. Trust me, Im not happy having to deliver them now, and I would rather wait until you are done at your dads place, but after seeing Asmo refuse Andy in case he was more like Marius metally… you know…. downsyndrome-ish as we talked about may have been the case for Andy… I just wanna at least give you the opportunity for you to back out, before we all get further involved in this… since I finally located the root of the problem…

Congo: Interrupted There will be no backing out… I would never be that cruel, backing out just because he was… I'm with Marius for pete's sake… no matter how long that will last after today…

George: Cleared his throat Yes, I could imagine, but I have to explain anyway, but now I also have to make clear, that even if hard, I need you two, Andy and Congo, to keep dating Marius and Asmo, like nothing happened. This is the hardest part, I know, but it must be done in order to keep you both safe. You'll have to still go on with asking Marius to move in with you, propose to him and continue your life as usual. Just DON'T marry him. Any marriage before your marriage will break your bond with Andy. Just as well as he CAN'T marry Asmo, obviously for the same reason. Gabriella is filling him in on all this right now… except this part, and now please dont interrupt me before Im done… Andy isn't like Marius after all, but something horrible happened to him in his childhood. His eyes started flickering Please remain seated, for Andy will never get to learn any of this. It will break him completely. I'll go in and via hypnosis find out what exactly happened, and soothe child Andy within him, and that way fix it all for him. He took a big shaky breath and gwent on with a lump in his throat Andy was abused as a child. Whether he was raped or only fondled I do not know till I have been in there through hypnosis. He lit his pibe again and conttinued telling The reason Asmo and Andy took a break from therapy at my place, and returned to the city, was that Asmo discovered that on a farm house not more than 700 meters from where my house is located, lived a man, who was always told to be a child molester. Cops could never find any evidences, so the man was never convicted. However, he had asked if there were any criminals in the neighborhood, he could… you know… snack on he frowned softly and as Gabriella mentioned this man, Asmo said he would check him out, snoop around his place a bit. What Asmo found at the basement of the farm was chocking. There were filled with childs clothes, mainly female. Dirty mattresses with semen, chains, toys, locks of hair he had kept as souvenirs. And he found a keychain. A keychain with a little green and black guitar. He reccognized it from a child picture Katherine had shown Asmo, and as he sniffed it, it still had clear leftover smell of a younger Andy. So there were no doubt Andy had been in that basement. Asmo didn't take it nice, he burned the farm down to the ground, with the man still inside. What he did to the man before he torched the place, I do not wanna know, but Asmo assured me he was punished for his crimes. No one says he molested Andy, maybe he only did it to girls? But what I know is, one particular summer, Andy started acting strange. Few days later he fell of a horse, broke and arm and wanted to go home. He never returned to my house again, until now for therapy. Katherine always told me he refused to go. So something definitely marked him. As he was done he grabbed Congo's hands tightly, squeezing them a few times I understand if you want to walk away, if it's too much for you… but I promise you, I can fix him now.

Congo: Squeezed George back I will never desert him. I love him, no matter if he's fixed or broken. Thank you for telling me. He took a deep shaky breath, then cleared his throat, drying a few tears from his eyes Is there anything I should or shouldn't do, you know, when we are intimate… but also in general?

George: Shook his head softly No. Andy has blocked it all out. Adult Andy has no memory of the incident…. so just enjoy him as much as possible, and let him enjoy you smiled softly

Congo: Took another deep breath and nodded If you dont have more to add, could there possibly be time for him to at least join us for breaksfast?

George: Smiled warmly Of course… He knocked the window and gave a sign for the others to join them, laughing as he saw how much Andy's face lit up

Andy: As he ran into the bistro, he quickly slided down next to Congo in his booth, linking his arm with his, and leaned his head on his shoulder, looking up at him with loving eyes I missed you!

Congo: Chuckled deeply, kissing Andys hair I missed you too! What do you want for breakfast?

Andy: Smiles cheekily You!

George: Chuckled warmly Im sorry my boy, there's no time for that… you'll have to eat something… hmm… Less tasty winked at them both

Andy: Blushed lightly and sat up straight Alright, alright… he grabbed a menu and read it quickly 2 blueberry pancakes aaaand… no… make that 3 blueberry pancakes and an omelet… nothing to drink, I have my smoothie…

George: Waved at the waitress, smiling politely as she joins them Sorry about the food waste before. This time we will actually eat the food he winked at her and made her chuckle softly, then he went on I'll have the same as before, so will he nods at Congo who nods agreeing

Gabriella: Smiled friendly I'll have an omelet and a scone, please…

Congo: Smiled proudly And my fiance will have orders for Andy, kissing his forehead softly as he's done ordering

Andy: Blushed bright red, then suddenly looks around a bit nervous Wait… what… how… uh.. if you and Marius goes down here… now they have seen you with me.. your fiance… and.. well.. sighed a bit frustrated

Gabriella: Laughs softly as Congo seems to catch on to Andy's nervousness Relax guys… my clan is on it… they will make sure no one will remember anything here, as soon as we leaves, I'll give them a call, and everyone in this city will only remember seeing Congo and a work associate, looking nothing like my honey bunny, having breakfast and discussing expanding Congo's house for Marius to move in. So just in case someone should ask around for anyone down here… well… thats what they will find… no trucks, no blue mohawks, no gypsy looking female without shoes… and no elderly sex god smoking a pibe she kissed George's cheek as he smiled pleased, puffing his pibe

Andy: Wrinkled his nose Eww no! Please!

Gabriella: Laughed heartly Andy, sweetheart, he's not that much older than Congo! Don't be fooled… under his clothes hes not 60+… does Congo look 48 under his clothes?

Andy: Bit his lips cheekily Not at all… he's as firm as I am… everywhere moans softly but he doesnt look 48 above the clothes either*

Gabriella: Nodded and smiled warmly True… he doesn't look a day over 40

Andy: Nodded and smiled proudly I know. And trust me… he's the real sex god here!

Gabriella and George: Both laughed out warmly

Congo: Blushed lightly and kissed Andy's hair

Gabriella: Winked at Andy I do not doubt you the slightest, and if he wasn't already taken, I would run away with him winked at Congo and sipped her smoothie

Andy: He pointed his tongue at her and leaned his head on Congo's shoulder again, moaning satisfied as Congo ran his fingers through his mohawk I wish we didn't have to go home… that we could just stay here forever sighed softly

Congo: Sighed deeply I know sweetheart… I know.

George: Caressed Gabriella's hand on the table Me and Gaby will make sure that day will come as fast as possible… but until then, when you aren't together, which can't be everyday, not even back in the city… you will have to force yourself to be in as normal as possible relationship with your partners. Giving them the illusion of everything being okay. It's the only way possible we can all pass this speed bump with our lives intact.

Andy: Sighed deeply We know George… dont spoil breakfast before it arrives!

George: Chuckled softly Alright, alright. I just want to make sure you both know this will probably be the hardest thing to overcome in your whole life…

Gabriella: Smiled softly But it will be worth it…

Andy: Nodded agreeing Im sure it will, I have no doubt softly caressed Congo's arm

Gabriella: Smiled warmly I know… I'm with my mate gently pads Georges hand

Andy: Lifted his head from Congo's shoulder is George?

Gabriella: Smiled warmly He sure is…

Andy: Looked at both of them with a big smile, then suddenly froze a bit But wait… you guys dont wanna get married?

Gabriella: Chuckled softly He got me convinced… we will get married as soon as we settle for a date, but it should be sometime in the late fall, I think? Smiled warmly at George

George: Nodded softly at Gabriella and planted a kiss on her cheek, then nodded at the waitress as she arrived with the food

Andy: Looked curious at them both So wheres the rings?

George: Chuckled softly Where are your rings?

Andy: Proudly reached out his hand with the ring

Gabriella: Grabbed his hand and studied the ring Nice… very simple… I like it.

Andy: Nodded even prouder On the inside, there's a heart and it says forever and ever.

Gabriella: Smiled softly at Congo

George: Sighed softly and smiled happily Now isnt that just precious? You two make me so happy inside! Congratulations to you both. You have my blessings!

Congo: Nodded softly Thank you George.

George: Looked questioning at Congo So where's yours Congo?

Andy: Smiled a bit shyly, then slowly unbuttoned the first few buttons of Congo's shirt, dragging the fabric a bit to the side, revealing the burn mark

George: Smiled softly I see… very personally…

Congo: Nodded softly I don't wear rings… well, I'll wear a wedding ring of course… but…beside that Im not into wearing jewelries… so this was the second best I could come up with smiled warmly

Gabriella: Sighed softly And just above the heart… you just gotta love romantic men padded George's hand softly She sighed softly I hate to be bossy, but please eat guys… we gotta leave soon…

Andy: *Sighed softly and dug in, followed by the rest of them. Under the meal there wasn't said much, only George explaining due to short time, he will follow Andy and Gabriella back to the city, in his own car, and drop by Andy's parents to tell them the happy news and explain everything in details. Andy also ran the idea about a weekend getaway with Congo, his parents and Poul by them, and it was fast agreed upon, that it would be the perfect opportunity to get married, if they were both up for the ultra fast wedding, which they both agreed to. Gabriella mentioned they could all go to Congo's spare house, some of her clan members could then show up at the wedding day and perform the ceremony, leaving them all in protected atmosphere, and as well do the adoption the same day, so everything is taken care of as soon as possible, to provide a security blanket for both Congo and Andy. Along the way Gabriella also insist in Poul, George, Katherine and Leonard to be adopted too. Just to be on the safe side.

Andy: As they were all done eating, he asked if there was a little time for him and Congo to step outside and be alone a bit, smiling satisfied as George agrees they will need a little time for a proper goodbye, since next time they will meet, it will most likely be around their partners. As Congo and Andy stepped outside, Andy quickly pushed him around a corner, shoving Congo up against the wall We are getting married! Possible in less than 2 months from now!

Congo: Nodded a bit overwhelmed and chuckles warmly It's a bit overwhelming, but theres nothing I want more than to be yours!

Andy: Squealed loudly I just wanna be yours as well! Let's do this!

Congo: Laughed warmly and wrapped his arms around Andy Kiss me silly!

Andy: Smiled bright, then wrapped his arms around Congo as well, kissing him tenderly

Congo: After few minutes kissing, he pulled back a bit, pointing at a bench not far away from where they stand What do you say we sit down a few minutes, until the others picks us up?

Andy: Sighed deeply and nodded softly Okay… let's do that. He grabbed Congo's hand and lead him to the bench, and as Congo sits down, he sits down next to him, leaning his body against Congo's chest, wrapping Congo's arms around him I love this… wrapping myself in you… I feel so safe…. so soothed… he picked up one of Congo's hands and softly planted a kiss on the back of it I could sit like this forever… watching the forest, listening to the birds, enjoying the sunlight, basking in your scent, kissing your hand, feeling your breath on my skin… tasting your lips on my lips…

Congo: Smiled softly blowing a bit of extra air out of his nose So life with me won't get boring for you in the long run?

Andy: Turned his head slightly and looked up at Congo with bright eyes Of course not! Who's the silly one now?!

Congo: Chuckled softly and kissed Andy's mohawk

#unicornmanes #Congo Shaw #Andy Shaw-Thompson #Andycorn #Gaby #Gabriella Lupei #George Cullman #matebond #matebond explained

[lucysweatslove]

Journal 8/23/2023:

Last night after my workout I had a protein shake because I felt like I needed protein just nutritionally, and then I took a bath, and I had to cut my bath short because I started getting super nauseous and sensitive to smells. I proceeded to spend 1.5 hours feeling like I was going to vom at any minute. Then I thought, we’ll I haven’t had a lot of produce today, and I did do an hour workout, so maybe I really need some carbs and I ate an apple and a tortilla.

I felt a little better, but I couldn’t say I felt *good.*

Sleep-wise, I though I fell asleep quickly, but my Pillow app says it took me 28 min to fall asleep. It also said I woke up a lot at night, which I honestly don’t remember? I woke up once I think because I needed to pee (problem with late night baths- I drink a lot of water at night right before bed). While I was in bed for 7:29, I only slept for 6:21.

PT was fine. I feel weak. It really reminded me how much and how quickly I atrophy. And how hard it is for me to put on any muscle or gain strength at all. I’m spiraling into my typical health anxiety fueled deep dive into all of my labs again to see if I can point to any specific cause of all my symptoms which of course I can’t because I probably just lost the genetic lottery and my body just sucks. I also feel like the protein I eat is utilized for energy more than it’s utilized for muscular rebuilding but of course that’s speculation.

At the dentist today, the hygienist was surprised but how good my teeth and gums looked! But of course one of my watched cavities needs a filling now so I get to do that next week.

I started training my replacement today and I’m. Idk. She is really nice, and seems energetic and excited, is doing a HUGE career switch from classical music to medicine… but training is one of my least favorite things because I can’t be sure I’m doing it “right.” I loved practical teaching in grad school but I guess I just don’t feel confident enough still with work. Tomorrow is going to be a somewhat rougher day. It’s the multidisciplinary peds hearing loss clinic which is just a pain and a half to get all set up… but the only other provider in will be one with two telehealth visits so it really won’t be bad at all. I’m not sure if I’m training my replacement tomorrow on that doc or not and I don’t love surprises (so I’m planning on yes).

Financial stuff is weird right now. With uneven work hours and only 6.5 hours until I leave, I’m feeling antsy. Husband says we can talk about finances and work out a better budget that includes my needs and fun stuff I currently take care of myself, but it’s going to be a huge transition for me still. I know I’m going by to be focusing on volunteer work, and I’ll love to have more free time, but… idk. I’ve considered starting my own actual rock business but I just can’t justify that either as it wouldn’t pull in a real and usable income in the short time I’d be working before I get swamped with school. Honestly I’m missing teaching labs.

#personal #journal

[shatterthefragments]

And like. As a side note. If you’re just going to tell me to either drop to part time work to go to school more or to just stop going to school. Like. Maybe. Have better solutions?

Also at least half of it is my own fault. I wanted to spend time with my sister while she was here for the new year. I had an art deadline I prioritized. I fucked up and spent 1.5 hours extra at work and then sat in the car. I thought I could get a thing done and ALSO do another thing. I enjoyed life a little and had coffee and biscotti in the sunshine. I played with a dog for a few moments. I made time to eat something. I showered. I slept. I had a bit of a walk (it helped calm my flight response). Procrasturbated. Made myself food. (I could’ve maybe just reheated something idk but eggs are quick) Procratinated in other ways. Passed out. You know.

And some of it is definitely my inability to do things before a deadline. But it was uh. Past the due date.

I just want to learn things and have fun and not to the specific project that were assigned bc I have a much more Interest Based project I want to play around with 👀

#school #vent #tmi

[thetidemice]

wake the FUCK up

#she slept maybe 1.5 hours #penny and billie. the characters ever. theyre best friends #bigtop burger #worthikids #bigtop burger fanart #penny #billie

[aeterna---amantes]

//I'm not shitting you, I took my kid with me to the grocery store, spouse had time. I slept with my kid, spouse had time. There was a football match which of course spouse wanted to watch so I spent time with my kid so spouse had time. Naturally, I give my kid a shower and I read her bedtime stories so spouse... has time.

All day, all of this fucking Sunday, I had one hour to myself. One. Hour. While spouse had at least 1.5 hours in the morning, then 2.5 hours in the afternoon and roughly 90 minutes during the football match... oh wait, add the additional 1.5 hours while I was reading kid bedtime stories and made sure she falls asleep.

And now I come in, power up my fucking laptop, sit down to answer a few threads and asks, and what does spouse ask? AT FUCKING 9PM WHEN WE USUALLY GO TO BED AT 10PM????

"Do you want to watch Rick and Morty?"

And don't misunderstand because I love Rick and Morty. But it's 30 fucking minutes and I HAD VERY LITTLE TIME TO WRITE OR EVEN UNWIND AND I'M SO FUCKING MAD BECAUSE THE ENTIRE DAY WAS ABOUT SERVING OTHERS AND NEGLECTING MY OWN FUCKING NEEDS AND I'LL BE HOME ALONE WITH KID TOMORROW BECAUSE SHE'S STILL IN QUARANTINE AND I HAVE TO STAY AT HOME WITH HER AND THIS

THIS IS JUST FUCKING UNFAIR!!!!

And comes the question, "but do you want to write? You can write if you want to!" LIKE I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE RIGHT FUCKING MINDSET UNDER 30 MINUTES, THEN YOU'LL NAG ME TO WATCH RICK AND MORTY AND IF I SAY I DON'T WANT TO YOU'LL WHINE I DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU

I fucking hate this. Maybe if I left writing altogether I'll stop feeling shit about it. Fuck this all. Fuck my fucking life.

#ooc #personal #munproblems #rant #vent

[dreamingofaizawa]

An Old Friend

Hanta Sero x Fem! Reader

Pro Hero AU

Warnings: Cheating, swearing, a smidge of angst, happy-ish ending w/ a bit of fluff

Word Count: 1.5 k

Author’s Note: Sorry loves, the next chapter for Powerful won't be updated for a few days. I'm going on a camping trip, so it'll have to wait since there's no signal out at the site. In the meantime, have this old barely finished cheating hurt/comfort drabble for your troubles 💜💜

Enjoy~

You loved your husband. He provided everything for you, and you stayed home like a good housewife, cleaning and cooking and washing clothes. It didn’t bother you, really, you didn’t mind this calm life. In fact, you’d managed to find ways to keep your hobbies through the years when you left the house to stroll around the city. You took a self-defense class, took up light bodybuilding and weight training (taking you back to your college wrestling days), even re-learned to use weapons like throwing knives and dipped into using katana, but mostly as an art form considering nobody used swords to fight in this day and age. 

Today marked 6 years with him. He was always so sweet and provided everything for you, and gave you full control over any and all money he gave you. You even had your own separate bank account that he constantly poured money into, so you weren’t complaining. So tonight, you were on your way back home from picking up a new wine he’d been wanting to try, but never had the time to go buy. You’d skipped your self defense class today, wanting to surprise him when you got home early. You were so excited you didn’t notice the extra pair of high heels at the door. You strode into the house, beaming from ear to ear. 

“Babe I’m home! I have a surprise for you I think you’ll like!” When you didn’t get an answer, you began to worry. Is he okay? You put your bags down on the kitchen table and called out again as you walked up the stairs, listening for his response. Still no answer. As you came up to your bedroom door it was cracked open, and there were noises coming from inside. Lewd noises. From a woman’s voice. A woman that wasn’t you. Your chest tightened in sadness, fear, and most prominently, burning rage. You shoved the door open and it slammed against the wall, making both bodies in your bed jump and scramble to cover up.

“S-sweetheart… y-you aren’t in your self defense class tonight… was it cancelled?” Fuming, you looked at the woman that was still in your bed. 

“Get the fuck out of my house, or I’ll throw you out the window myself.” She didn’t need to be told twice, and was fully dressed and off the property within five minutes. In the fray, your husband hadn’t moved an inch. 

“How fucking long?” He looked down, avoiding eye contact.

“Three years.” Talking wasn’t even an option anymore. You immediately started packing a duffel bag. You packed all your small personal weapons and just enough clothing for a few days, since you had money in your account that he’d transferred to you over the years. Speaking of the asshole, he was quickly jumping out of bed and scrambling over to you.

“Wait, sweetie what are you doing?” You glared at him, still packing your things. 

“I’m leaving you, jackass. Don’t you call me ‘sweetie’ ever again. Six years we’ve been married, I’ve been nothing but good to you, and you’re telling me you’ve been cheating on me for half the time I thought you loved me? You’re a fucking douchebag. Have fun finding yourself another housewife to cheat on.” And with that, you left the house.

He chased you all the way to the front door, pleading and promising he’d be better. You called bullshit. Once you got outside he let you leave, and you could hear him wailing like a child even two blocks down. And you had no sympathy for him. Not a single tear fell from your eyes as you dialed an old friend’s number. The two of you hadn’t spoken in years, but he was still your closest friend. The phone rang only twice before he picked up.

“Hey y/n! It’s been a while! What’s going on?” His cheery voice rang through the speakers, and it ebbed your anger slightly, but you were still tense.

“Hey, I’m in kind of a tight spot right now. Can I crash at your place tonight?” You didn’t mean for the desperation to come through in your voice, nor the rage. 

“Yeah, of course. Do you need me to come pick you up?” 

“Actually, yeah, that would be great. I’ll send you my location, I’ll be waiting in a cafe.”

“Okay, stay safe. I’ll see you soon.” It took all of five minutes for you to walk to the corner cafe, and you sat at the back table sipping coffee for the first time in six years.

20 minutes later the cafe door chimed and you looked up to see a familiar face. Your old friend had changed over the years, now all lean muscle and tanned skin littered with scars, no doubt from hero work. He spotted you quickly, you being one of the only people in the cafe, and planted himself in the seat across from you with his signature beaming grin. 

“What’s up? How have you been?” With a huff you let your shoulders slump a bit. 

“Honestly Hanta, I could be a lot better. Can we talk about this back at your place?” He nodded, and soon you were in his car, stuck in your head thinking over the events of the past hour. 

The more you thought about it, the less you understood why he’d do something like this. If he was unhappy, he should have just asked for a divorce. If he wasn’t satisfied sexually, he should have just said something. It didn’t make any sense. Maybe you were just not enough, and he didn’t have the heart to tell you? But then if he got caught he’d know you wouldn’t have any of it. Right?

Had you reacted the right way? Should you have tried to talk it out with him? No, he’d been sleeping with at least one other woman behind your back for half your marriage. He didn’t deserve the chance to give excuses. His infidelity would probably continue long after the divorce you never thought you’d need to go through.

A warm hand on your knee had you blinking back to reality. 

“Are you alright?” His eyes were still locked on the road and his voice was gentle. Your chest was beginning to burn, but you refused to let it all spill while Hanta was driving. Instead you just shook your head. 

“Not now.” He gave a squeeze to your knee before replacing his hand on the wheel, concentrating on the road.

It didn’t take much longer after that to pull into a parking garage and head up to his apartment. It was large, two suite bedrooms with a shared bathroom in between. The kitchen was all marble and a dark wood you couldn’t identify, lined with the latest appliances. Still holding your coffee, you settled into the couch with Hanta. He let a thick silence settle, not wanting to upset you. You decided not to wait for him to ask.

“He cheated on me.” In your peripheral you saw his head snap up to you, eyes wide like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“He...what?” Your jaw clenched as you gave a small nod. He took a small breath before asking the next question. 

“How long?” Your shoulders shook with laughter, earning a confused and concerned look from the black-haired man next to you.

“Three FUCKING YEARS Hanta! Can you believe it?!” You were hysterical at this point, laughter shaking your whole body and tears burning your eyes and nose. Hanta took your cup and placed it on the coffee table, then wrapped his arms around you as your laughter morphed into sobs. You clung to him for dear life, and he held you tight as you cried. It felt like someone had reached into your chest and squeezed your heart, crushing it into dust.

Hanta held you until you went limp in his arms. You’d cried yourself to sleep. Still he held you close as you slept, petting your hair gently. You didn’t know it, but Hanta had loved you for a long time. He loved you even after you’d married and stopped contacting him, and he still loved you now. It burned him inside to know you’d been hurt so deeply by the man you had planned to spend the rest of your life with. He let out a deep sigh and kissed the top of your head. 

“It’ll be okay, princess. I’ve got you.” Carefully, he shifted and carried you to his spare room, tucking you into the sheets and leaving a kiss on your forehead. He swore he’d be there for you through it all, he’d earn your love. And he’d never toss it away like the coward you married.

#sero hanta #sero hanta fluff #sero hanta bnha #sero hanta mha #hanta sero #hanta sero fluff #hanta sero bnha #hanta sero mha

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 2

*groans in hands* I have to finish reading everything by September 14. I have no clue if I have the drive for this, but fuck me for having more determination to read this than any of my nursing books...

1. ...So it...wasn’t because...he was killing his prey???

Oh my god I hate that smirk on your face Sangstop.

But...now that does make me wonder if this is true and to what extent it’s true. Bum has been picturing Sangwoo slicing into women while he was downstairs and we also see Sangwoo’s hands often damp. So honestly, installing that pulley can’t be the only things he does there.  

Actually now that I think about it, the dampness is more from having to clean the basement and making sure there’s no residue from the woman that he killed. He’s very thorough. 

But...that pulley. Maybe he really did install that just in case?  He’s starting to use methods he has never did before. Because he has an outlier in his life now that he never expected. So he needs different types of punishments whenever Bum steps out of line, things that won’t break Bum completely like blades and sledgehammers will. If he’s going to keep Bum by his side and properly train him, then he can’t keep using the same methods he uses to kill his victims. 

Because, ultimately, he doesn’t want to kill Bum. (later on, when he does decide he’ll kill Bum, we see him reach a new level of destruction that he wasn’t capable of earlier. He had to break more in order to reach that point. So, losing Bum made Sangwoo lose whatever little hope he had and, metaphorically, killing Bum means Sangwoo is killing whatever hope he had)

2. *wince* yep

God your reactions are delayed, but...yeah. 

Sangwoo’s first reaction was to treat Bum favorably with a little kiss. To show that, yes, that’s one of the correct actions Bum could’ve taken--one of the ways to change his mind. But 1) Bum still came onto him sexually. Sex seems more of a trigger for Sangwoo (honestly, I think 99% of the women Sangwoo has slept with have died lol). 2) If Sangwoo let Bum have his way, then Bum will have the upperhand and he can’t have that. This is about making sure Bum knows what he did wrong and that he won’t do it again. 

So even if a part of him does like what Bum did, it’s not something he can overall accept. 

Oh one thing about his delayed reactions...it might be another coping mechanism of his?  As a way to build up resistance to what he’s about to do. Whenever he does something impulsively, you see him lose it. But when he takes the time to do things, his expression is more dead-eyed than wild-eyed. 

3. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

But i still can’t help but laugh lsjg;ijeog

Also, Bum, please...just...connect the dots faster please...but one notable thing about his character is that he doesn’t. While Sangwoo experiences delays in understanding, Bum disconnects entirely from the reality. Koogi keeps this trait of his goddang consistent.

4. Wait what the fuck

This is...worse than cutting???  You can literally snap someone’s neck with the force of pulling them up straight from the ground. How is this supposed to be a better option??  Also, lets be real, Bum’s trachea would’ve been done in by the force of this. Honestly, I’m surprised Bum’s jaw is fine. Fkk, what about the SPINE, HUH SANGWOO!!??!?!? The fact that Bum’s still able to even speak afterwards and does not have burn marks from the rope is...is whyyyyy this is a piece of fiction, Aetas, not real life sjgo;erjg.

Anyways, okay, so Koogi must have chosen this as Sangwoo’s alternative for a reason and I do think Sangwoo believes this is genuinely a better option. Even though, just speaking from personal experience dealing with patients, they always respond more dramatically to airway closure than blood loss. 

If I think about my earlier idea, he uses violence not really as a sexual outlet (though, probably at this point, he doesn’t know how to get off without--at the very least--being rough and treating his partner as an object), but as a way to hurt people in the way he has perceived them hurting him. The bonus is giving them bruises and scars that he can see--visible marks for the invisible pain they’ve given him. It’s...validating for him, maybe?

So, this way, Bum is still suffering and being punished for making Sangwoo ‘suffer’, but won’t have visible marks. In this way, this is less validating for Sangwoo because there’s no “proof” of pain, so Sangwoo perceives it as less painful. Because he’s a fucking asshole and that’s putting it too kindly (lol Sangwoo worsening instead of getting better and dying at the end is literally the only reason why I decided to read this and why I respect Koogi).

Also, from what I see later, Sangwoo knows for how long he can hold Bum there without him dying. So I’m not sure who the hell he is tried this on...says me who literally used fkkn google to research how long it takes for someone to pass out from hanging. Which can range anywhere from 3 seconds to 1.5 minutes. So. It varies lol. 

Ohhhh also this is much faster than cutting Bum open. That probably could’ve taken half an hour to even more than that if Sangwoo went that route. But with hanging, Sangwoo knows it can only go for so long, which is why he doesn’t go for more than one session of this. Bum can suffer for either 30 seconds via a very acute session of asphyxiation or he can suffer for thirty minutes or more via cutting. 

Ohhh this is actually very smart of Sangwoo. I can see now why he chose this. He understands that hanging is much scarier and will make the victim really feel like they’re gonna die. So, this explains why Sangwoo decided to set this up for Bum. Because he believes only Bum would be able to prove that, yes, Sangwoo can choose the alternative because he won’t hurt Sangwoo past the point of no return (in a way, death for the victim means that Sangwoo can no longer forgive them because the pain they gave him is just as bad as death). 

5. I don’t have anything to back this up, I really don’t, BUT--

Even though Sangwoo is smiling like an insane freak, it...kind of seems like he’s emulating all the hollywood serial killers we’ve seen on TV. People who are doing this smile like they’re truly enjoying life and blah blah blah. Honestly, Koogi probably means Sangwoo to be like this, like the classic serial killer that gets off other people’s pain.

But for me, it’s like Sangwoo is acting a part. Again, the eyeless thing. Sangwoo is taking on a persona--rather than truly allowing his brain to be present, to think about the situation for himself--that is meant to enjoy this just for the sake of it. 

I also don’t think Sangwoo ever goes into these things planning to kill his victims right then and there. Like, right now, I don’t think he’s planning to actually hang Bum to his death. I can assume Sangwoo has done enough research to know when to stop so that they don’t actually die (but again, it will depend on how his victim responds to the hanging). 

Because Sangwoo keeps giving Bum (and all his other victims) a chance. He probably gave CEO girl a chance right before deciding to kill her because, unlike Bum, she kept screaming and begging for her life. That is why Bum won. Because he proved worthy of a ‘second chance’.

And back to not wanting to actually kill them, that’s because killing them means he’s alone again. I honestly think he’s only doing this to people he has genuinely felt attached to in some way. He wants them to save him. To say, no, he’s not a monster, that he’s still worthy of being loved, that the way his mother loved him is not the type of love he deserves.  

If they’re unable to save him, then that means they’ll only destroy him. And, so, he must get rid of them first before that happens.

6. Seriously no hands why the fuck and what the fuck Sangwoo

Okay, this is gonna be a loooooong one.

And this ties in with my idea about how Sangwoo never actually goes in with the conscious plan to kill his victims (this is very similar to how Bum goes in thinking of one thing, but his actions end up suggesting something entirely different). 

It’s like he ends up killing them as a reaction to what they did

Similar to someone shooting a home invader dead and having it be self-defense

Also, this acts as a mitigating technique to avoid any guilt he feels

I think this also ties in to why Sangwoo doesn’t ‘plan’ things too deeply and just takes things step by step

Because the more he thinks about what he’s doing, the less he’s able to see himself as a human. 

In a way, Sangwoo’s guilt and shame is driving him to do things that just worsen his guilt and shame. 

Because he knows he can never be forgiven

He can never forgive himself 

The reason why he wants someone to magically save him is because ‘helping him’ is a two way street

A hand may reach out to him, but he has to be the one to take hold of it--and it won’t end there

He has to trust the hand to keep a hold on him, no matter what happens--and he has to put in continuous effort to keep holding on as well. 

He cannot trust someone to not only help him, but keep helping him and, more than that, he cannot trust himself. 

He has no hope in the world around him and has no hope for himself, so in a way, the constant killing is a self-preservation act as well

Since, subconsciously, he knows that he cannot live a normal life because of everything that has happened--

--and the world keeps going on in their own bubble despite his pain--

--He has to do something to keep that from crushing him. 

So, instead of killing himself, he’ll continue killing others because it’s what he’s familiar with anyways. And in survival, familiarity is necessary--a form of homeostasis--because that is when protection is possible.

And actually, back to that wanting a savior part. 

Sangwoo has never once been truly protected

He has never felt a sense of security as a child

So, to protect himself, he has made himself impenetrable--stronger and always making sure he has the upperhand 

Anyone who threatens him in any way should be dealt with swiftly so that they never take away his sense of security

So, wanting a savior seems totally opposite of what he should want, but everything he’s done to strengthen himself is in response to never having someone protect him

He wants to be protected for once

He wants someone he can rely on to guide him every step of the way, to be there for him when he’s weak and be his strength

It is something he has been looking for in every one of his victims and Bum is the closest that he can get to fulfilling it

Unfortunately, a savior is exactly what Bum is not. 

And a savior is exactly what Sangwoo does not fkkn need to get better, if he even can at this point.

There are no such things as saviors, just like there are no such things as protagonists. The moment you put ‘getting better’ as someone else’s responsibility rather than your own, you’ve made it so that you can never get better. 

7. Goddang boy, you really know you have nothing else but the grave waiting for you

Hmmmmn...actually, this is...huh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Uhm. So. 

Remember when I said that Sangwoo doesn’t go into these things planning to kill his victim??  Okay so that’s not wrong...but not right either. 

I thought that Bum did the whole hanging this solely as an alternative punishment, which I still think has merit, but now I’m like...okay so, Sangwoo does every little thing he can to make it so that no one can love him. He tries to make it fkkn impossible, which he succeeds at. 

He knows that hanging will bring out more dramatic effects from a person. And Bum has this thing where he can say one thing, but then completely do a 180 from it. And asphyxiation can really force someone to be more...open about their thoughts lol. It’s the lack of blood to the brain, so the brain will have less barriers to keep their filter in check. 

I don’t think he made the pulley as an alternative or lesser punishment, but as a “finality”. He gets that Bum is crossing into ‘unforgivable’ territory, but at the same time, is at the ‘I can still save you’ precipice, which is a hope that is more destructive to Sangwoo. Having that hope then it being torn down will be the last act that destroys his sanity (which is exactly what we see at the end of the comic). 

Because, in a way, he’s still controlling himself in his killings. He’s not just killing anyone, he’s specifically choosing his victims, which reduces the amount of people he kills. If he has to keep on killing, his conscience will make it so that he won’t just start going on random killing sprees and making the body count explode. That is the last tether he has to his sanity.

So, before that tether snaps--by way of having his hope destroyed completely by people like Bum--he’ll put an end to it before it gets any further. This hanging thing was meant to bring out the ‘truth’ from Bum. It was meant to break down all the barriers and finally show his true colors. Which is when Sangwoo can kill Bum via hanging. This will be very different from what he has done before, but Bum was different as well. So him breaking from his habits is his way of applauding Bum. 

 8. Sangwoo’s Doki Doki moment lol

I like how Koogi put those black lines in there as a form of a ‘blush’, but not actually a blush because nothing about this moment is romantic lol. And that ‘thump’ is a facsimile of a person’s heart beating when falling in love.

I honestly think this is the moment where Sangwoo falls in Lima Syndrome. 

Sangwoo is expecting Bum to react in a way that will finally let Sangwoo kill Bum once and for all. Screaming ‘motherfucker’ again. Curse him and say he will die a painful death, like his mother. Beg ‘please’ and for help, like CEO daughter. Anything but Bum still calling Sangwoo’s name, like he’s still a human instead of a monster. 

Just like my first instinct to be like “fucker this is way worse than cutting someone” and reminded me of why Sangwoo should die, Sangwoo knows that what he’s doing to Bum warrants Bum treating him like a monster. But from Sangwoo’s point of view, that isn’t what Bum is doing.

9. Lol, Sangwoo, stop fucking romanticizing this oh my god

KOOGI. STOP OH MY GOD. NO. YOU’RE KILLING ME. SANGWOO’S EXPRESSION. NO. DON’T. I WANT TO STRANGLE MY HEART FOR MAKING ME FEEL FOR THIS FUCKER.

But seriously. This expression. It’s like Sangwoo’s prayers are actually being answered and he can’t believe it. It’s like he’s looking at God reaching out to save him from all the demons threatening to pull him down into hell. There’s this heartbreaking sense for hope and Sangwoo is so scared that it will fall through his fingertips and shatter on the ground at his feet. 

But it is worthy to note that Bum calling out to Sangwoo via his name is actually pretty normal. I think it’s more common for children calling out for their parent to stop, because the person who is hurt them is more often then not the only person who can help them. And if throwing away your pride to appeal to your abuser is the only way to make this pain stop, then no fucking duh they will. 

Just because Bum is the only one who has done so at this point doesn’t mean Bum is ‘special’. He’s a fkkn human being who has been abused ever since he was a child and is familiar with the other ways of begging for his life. If anything, I think this is more indicative of how specific Sangwoo’s victims are and that he hasn’t actually killed that many people. 

10. Goddang Koogi, so much respect for you

Seriously, the way Sangwoo reacts to this is the same way when he later reacts to Bum saying “I love you” while Sangwoo is raping him. 

So going off of that future incidence, Sangwoo here is being affected by Bum on a personal level. This is the level where, if triggered, the more he’ll want to keep Bum by his side because this is the closest Sangwoo can get to genuinely/healthily loving someone. 

But the thing is, THIS is how he reacts to it. With aggression. And there’s this muscle twitch at the corner of his mouth that even suggests fear. Because that is how Eunsoo conditioned Sangwoo to react to ‘love’. Love is not something to desire, it’s something to repel because it’s a threat to your existence. But, of course, Sangwoo still wants love--he wants to be shown how love was meant to be in the first place. 

And that is why he saves Bum. 

Because Bum is his only--damning, dangerous, terrifying--hope for experiencing that.

(which is exactly why he fucking snaps later when he realizes that Bum cannot give him what he wants and if Bum can’t, no one can, so what’s the point of anything?)

11. O_O Oh...uhm.

I’m...yeah. So I still don’t think Sangwoo is the type that gets sexual gratification from killing and torturing people. Him holding Bum up by his legs so that he’s no longer choking is, I think, evidence of that. 

In a way, this is more from a twisted version of demisexuality. I’m sure Sangwoo got hard the moment Bum started taking off his clothes to crawl over to Sangwoo, which triggered Sangwoo’s danger senses. Because not only love, but he equates sex to something horrifying and disgusting--and the way Sangwoo is grimacing in that last panel does suggest that he’s revolted by his hard-on. It’s just that he can’t help it, because his experiences conditioned him to only finding release via situations that make him feel disgusted. 

Sangwoo didn’t reach peak arousal when Bum was thrashing around the moment he was being hanged. He reached it when Bum was calling out his name, still treating him like a person with a name rather than a monster who deserves to die. He wasn’t turned on by Bum, he was turned on by Bum’s ‘acceptance’ of Sangwoo. Rather than heterosexuality or homosexuality, this is closer to demisexuality because what he wants is someone to love him despite being a monster among humans.

Oh, I want to note that Bum calling out Sangwoo’s name could be likened to calling out Sangwoo’s name during the...throes of passion lol. 

12. Wow you’re really enjoying yourself there, Sangstop

Hmn so again, I do think this is another showcase of demisexuality. 

He doesn’t care that he’s getting off to manly cries, holding onto legs that are more boney skin than shapely meat, and a penis ‘hanging’ (omg i can’t believe i was able to fit a pun in here) above his head there. 

He looks super blissed out here and I don’t think he’d be looking like this with any woman he has fucked. It has probably been a long time since he has even been this aroused by another woman. And the first time in a long time that he has been aroused was by some skinny, creepy loser who’s not just a loser, but a man. 

Because it wasn’t the genitalia that was getting him off. It was Bum’s treatment of Sangwoo. So, in a way, he’s starting to like Bum IN SPITE OF his dick lol. 

13. *blinks* oh I can’t be quite sure

But I think Sangwoo made sure Bum would fall onto the bed rather than the concrete. I don’t think the position of the bed was...right over the pulley...or maybe Sangwoo made sure it would be?  Because he knows that hanging Bum could go either way: kill him or let him fall free. 

14. How...do you think of these things, Sangstop...

I mean, creativity aside (which makes me go down a whole bunch of avenues and I really really just want this to end already), Sangwoo actually uses the words “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Again, Sangwoo’s Lima Syndrome starts here. Had this been earlier, Sangwoo would’ve done something he wouldn’t have regretted. Actually, had Bum not called out Sangwoo’s name, Sangwoo would not have regretted killing him. He could’ve fooled himself into thinking he was relieved because he got rid of an outlier that threatened his last piece of sanity. That he was free from the danger that was Bum.

But no. At this point, Sangwoo knows that if he does something that ends up killing Bum, he will regret it. The release he had earlier fooled him into thinking that Bum was special and could give him something that no woman would ever be able to give him. If he could ‘train’ Bum more, if Bum can exceed his expectations, than he can probably finally get what he has been searching for in all of his victims. 

And this is why he pushes Bum’s head in the water. Because now it’s no longer /just/ inflicting pain in order teach a lesson--to get revenge. It’s also about training Bum to make Sangwoo feel like he’s human.

15. Hey, I think this is the first time Sangwoo mentions how he has been treating Bum

Before, it’s always like “Bum you liar” or “I can’t believe you made me do this”, but now Sangwoo actually says “I treat you better than I have ever treated anyone else before, and this is how you repay me??”

Now it has become personal. Sangwoo’s feelings are involved because he is now acknowledging that, yes, he is treating Bum in a way that he could’ve never imagined treating anyone. So, now, Bum can actually do things like scratch Sangwoo’s skin and NOT get killed, which is fucking foreign to Sangwoo. 

Because, before, it was all about never letting anyone have the upperhand. The moment someone threatens him, he asserts his dominance to the highest level he possibly can while still being under the guise of “law-abiding citizen”. 

Bum, in effect, has become the only person who can physically wound Sangwoo and still live to tell the tale.

Aaaaaaand because there is more for me to unpack but I’ve reached a point where my brain is mush and I can no longer make sense of what I’m writing down, I’m actually going to end it here and pick it back up tomorrow. 

Oh my fucking god.

#chapter 8 #volume 1 #jfc this is so long #and i can't believe i STILL have more to say #why the fuck are there going to be 3 parts to chp 8!?!?!?!?

[thechosenburrito]

Intro to Love: 1.4-Thanks for Ghosting Me

Word Count: 1,581

Description:

Xochi and Carson are on their way to study when they’re rudely interrupted.

Author’s Note:

Almost done with Chapter 1!  Maybe I’ll be done tonight!

Previous Chapter: 1.3-I Can See Right Through You

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It's hard to sleep when you feel like shit.  That's why I only slept for 30 minutes after my little episode the night before.  The clock read 7 o'clock which came as a shock to me as I usually only see it followed by a "pm".  I stayed in bed for a couple of hours, scrolling through an endless stream of nothing on my phone.

My stomach growled out of nowhere.  I smiled a bit when it wasn't immediately followed by nausea.  I got up and pulled a cold slice of pizza from the fridge.  I was able to finish a small slice and figured I could use this time to take an extra-long shower.

It was nice to shower some of the sadness away.   But, when I got out, my eyes were still puffy and had dark circles under them.  This wasn't unusual for a college student.  However, I generally try to present myself as someone who didn't have a mental breakdown the night before.  I dried my hair in front of the mirror in my room.  Drying my thick dark hair required using my blow-dryer on the maximum setting, which isn't optimal for dorms with paper walls.  My true hair revealed itself.  It was wavy in strange places and I had a sort of cowlick in the front.  I plugged in a flat iron to tame the crazy mess.  

I touched the dark bags under my eyes.  I considered putting concealer over them, then on the red marks on the side of my nose, and maybe followed by the weird freckle on my right cheek.  At that point, I didn't really feel like doing make-up anymore.  I looked closely at my eyebrows.  A bit over-grown, but thick brows were in.  I think? Oh well.  I toweled off and pulled on a tank top and hoodie ( Of course with proper supportive garments underneath).  I pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on my black canvas sneakers.  The iron was finally hot enough and I got to work on my hair.  I've done this a million times, which made it the perfect time to let all my stupid thoughts out.

What if they made really tiny curling irons for eyelashes?  Actually, I don't want that THAT close to my vulnerable eyeball.

Am I strong enough to stand on the tips of my toes in these shoes?

Of course, I put the iron down and tried it out.

"Ow."

Not yet.  Next time for sure.

Should I become a beanie person?  Are beanies secretly my thing?

I pressed my hair to my head and imagined a beanie there.

Nope.  My head is a weird shape.  Guess I can't go bald either.

I finished up my hair and unplugged the iron.  I still had a couple of hours to kill and an orange soda from the vending machine down the hall was calling my name. I grabbed my room keys and wallet and headed down the hallway.  I passed a few early risers on the way.  Do people actually wake up this early? For fun?  I kept scrolling through my phone to avoid eye contact.  I wasn't really feeling the whole 'interaction' thing.  At some point, I realized I was scrolling and not even looking at anything.  Not my best moment.  A sponsored post caught my eye and made me audibly groan.

God, another ad for a Team StrikeForce! (TM).

"Even Superheroes need clean teeth!  Use StrikeForce SuperClean Toothpaste to fight back against plaque!"

StrikeForce was essentially a government-backed superhero team.  They purposely sought out conventionally attractive people with the most vanilla powers ever to represent the "ideal striker".  And they made sure to throw in some token minorities.  You had a strong girl, a flying man, someone that blasted fire from their hands,  and some other generic power. Speed maybe?  Telekinesis?  I did my best to avoid any media with them in it. They were essentially glorified cops who spouted government-approved messages like "It's cool to protect your chip from harm so keep yourself and others safe!  " and "Remember: Public use of powers is against the law!  Only teams like StrikeForce are allowed so everyone can be safe!". Right after the lightning storm, they actually did some important things like stopping individuals who abused their powers.  But, once people realized they could get away with more crimes by keeping on the down-low,  the StrikeForce lost their bite and became the government puppets on kids' backpacks we all knew and loved.

I sighed a bit.  Being critical was too tiring.  I quickly realized that I was going to crash. I didn't expect my sleep debt to catch up to me so quickly. I started getting everything to make coffee but hesitated at the thought of drinking something caffeinated after last night.  

I'll make a cup of tea first.  That'll cancel out the caffeine.

Yes, that's exactly how biology works.

I put on water to heat up and chugged an iced coffee from the fridge while it brewed.  Chasing ice cold coffee with nearly-boiling tea made my insides feel like an absolute mess of clashing temperatures.  

Phone buzzed.

(C) I forgot there's a staff meeting in the study room today.  Wanna go to the library instead?

I paused a moment before replying.

(X) Yeah that works.  I'm good to leave whenever you are

(C) Cool, I'll be downstairs in 5

(X) ok see you then

I threw all my supplies in my backpack, grabbed my keys, and started making my way to the dorm lobby.

I saw Carson chatting with someone at the front desk and laughing.  I'd seen the guy at the front desk a million times and barely made eye contact, except the time I got locked out of my room and was forced to talk to him.

I slowed down my pace and stared at my phone as if I didn't notice before taking a breath and walking up to him.

I struggled to plaster on a normal-looking smile.

"Hey! Ready to get going?" I asked, too cheerily.

"Yeah, just-"

A phone alert when off on all three of our phones.

"MISSING: 20 YR OLD FEMALE, 150 LBS., 5'6", STRIKER, LAST SEEN IN PURPLE SWEATER ON JUAREZ ST 9 AM. SEE LOCAL MEDIA."

My breath caught in my throat.

"Oh no.." I whispered.

"Wow," said Carson. "Juarez Street isn't even that far from here.  Do you think she was a student?"

I shrugged.  The guy at the desks scoffed.

"How do I turn these off? I hate the sound of those dumb ass alerts going off all the time," he said in a huff.

It was Carson's turn to shrug.  He pulled on this backpack.

"Ok, we should get going.  Let's be careful though.  We don't wanna get snatched up!" he said with a laugh.

I smiled and we headed out the door.  We walked for a bit in awkward silence before Carson casually broke it.

"So why did they have to put that the girl was a Striker? Doesn't exactly help identify her," he asked.

"Probably to make sure no one ever looks for her,"  I sighed.

"Really?" he responded innocently.

"Uh no. Ha, not really. I was just making a joke about how people don't tend to like Strikers," I tried to keep from stumbling over my words. "A lot of the time, when they find..uh...a body... they check to see if they're a Striker to help identify them."

We stopped at an intersection.  I decided to let Carson cross first, thinking they wouldn't try to hit me if they saw him first, even though there was only one car quite a bit away.

"Oh yeah.  That actually makes sense since they have..." he rubbed his shoulder "..those chip things.  Do you think it hurts?"

"I don't..." I heard the sound of a car speeding up.  I turned only to be met with the unmarked marked white van only 10 feet away from us.

I didn't have time to scream.  I lunged at Carson, praying that I'd grab onto him in time.  As soon as I got my hands on him, I did my best to think permeable thoughts.  

I watched the bumper pass right through us.  For a split second, I could see into the interior of the van.  The driver was wearing a bandana over his face and sunglasses, but even with both of those, you could tell he was sure that he turned me to roadkill.  I caught a brief glimpse of the back of the van.  I could make out a dark hunched figure and maybe some rope, but it was all going too fast.

We both hit the ground hard.  I was pretty grateful that I landed on a person and not the asphalt.  I rolled off him and tried to catch the breath that got knocked out of me.   It immediately occurred to me that we were both still in street, and I started helping Carson onto the curb.  His arms had some scrapes on his arms and a couple of holes in his T-Shirt, but otherwise, he didn't look too bad.  We collapsed onto the curb.

"Holy shit.  We got lucky." I managed between breaths.

I turned to him, but his face wore an expression of shock rather than relief.

"No.  That was beyond luck.  We should be dead." he said darkly.

He turned to look at me so quickly, I shot right up.

"How did you do that?"

.

.

.

Next Chapter: 1.5-The Good, The Bad, and The Unmasked

a/n:

I can’t think of anything clever to put here but you should totally send me asks and stuff

#original writing #intro to love

[bucketofchum]

Positive day today!!

I just wanna take some time to appreciate how unexpectly amazing today was. So it’s my first day back to France/work/normal rhythm since about 1.5 weeks. Last night was a big of a struggle haha, since I didn’t have warm water, so I boiled some water on the stove and took a sponge bath instead of a shower.

It was cold last night (or rather, I was cold, not “it” lol), so I turned on the heating - always a luxury when I do so. I went to sleep before 1:30am, which I rarely do ! (Aided probably by my lack of sleep the past 50 hours, 18 of which was spent in public transportation haha). And then I slept over 6 hours!!! 

I got up at about 7:15am, 30 minutes before my alarm. Enough time to chill around and eat breakfast, change my clothes, etc. I seldom eat breakfast, so having a bowl of cereal in the morning was really nice.

I got to work early, listening to podcasts. It was about a nonagenarian veteran who got her honourable discharge finally after 65+ being spied on, harrassed, and dishonourably discharged when she was young. It had a good ending, which is sometimes rare in these situations, so that was nice.

When I arrived at work, I saw there were 2 packages of chocolates on my desk from discord friend !!!! A wonderful surprise!!!!! She works in a chocolatier in Belgium and one of my colleagues was working there for 1.5 months, so he bought some chocolates for the lab, and she stashed some chocolates away just for me!!  I ate too too too many chocolates, but they were really really really good quality - especially the caramels, which she made by hand. They were SO good (my colleague, not even knowing I had been stuffing my face with the caramel chocolates, told me I needed to try them bc they were so good). All I kept thinking was how much I wanna share this with my friends. I should send them a text or something to share the chocolates (:

I got some work done today --- it wasn't the most productive, but it was still okay! I'll try to get into work early tomorrow too. Also!! Thanks to my new 2.5L water bottle, I drank about 3 liters throughout the day!!! 

I left work at 7:30pm and rushed to the grocery store which closes at 8pm bc I have no food at all at home haha bc I’ve been gone for almost 2 weeks. Got a whole ass rotisserie chicken, a box of macarons, and some pasta stuff. Food for tomorrow and tonight!!

When I got home, I found I had received TWO THINGS!! 

1) my ID card I had lost back in Toulouse a month ago (means I will only need to pay 25 euros for my new one instead of 280 euros) and 

 2) a gift package full of wonderful goodies from @necromilk​ !!!!! Which I was not expecting at all!!!!!!! They had not said a thing about it when they sent it 2 weeks ago. It was only today when they told me to be on the lookout for it maybe. And it came!! Today!!!! How unexpected???? and it was so full of all these really wonderful adorable things and Im love so much.

A sketch they did of our OCs -- it is one of my favourite sketches ever ;o; !!!!

a cute tiny note sealed with a teeny bat sticker - so cute!

There is this absolutely stunningly beautiful card that has art used in a tarot deck (available from here: https://shopamritbrar.com/). It is absolutely stunning. Black and gold are my favourite colour combination and this is My Aesthetic.  

A spoopy little coozy 

A !! mother ! fuckin ! non binary pin !!! Based off of FL4K, the nonbinary robo character from Borderlands 3 !! 

These embroidered skull knee leggings which I am wearing right this very instant

and this absolutely beautiful skull sugar spoon that I’ve admired for years !! I can’t wait to use it !!!!!

I’m just so overwhelmed by these unexpected gifts and I’m feeling so warm and fuzzy.

it's just been a really unexpectedly nice day today. Surprises and good things all over the place!!

>w<

#personal #happy feel good things #skulls #Cas #borderlands 3

[windstormwielding]

@hanabiira​ said via In a universe where everyone is born with numbers on their wrists counting down to when they’ll meet their soulmate, send me 00:00:00 for my muses reaction to their numbers hitting zero when they meet yours (accepting):

00:00:00 here, sap it up

As the creator and surveyor of all things across the three realms... The Soul King sure must’ve had some funny tastes in romance.

It had been a long while since Kōtarō last chanced a look at the countdown etched into the skin of his wrist. He could still recall how astronomically high the numbers were when the countdown kicked off in his earliest memories, to the point where they practically circled around his wrist they were so long.

The numbers’ significance hardly mattered to his former, childish self back in Kusajishi. How could they when “his soulmate” wouldn’t appear to him until so far into the distant future? 1.5 million hours—give or take a few hundred thousand—was nothing worth obsessing over, and so his fanciful wish for “the one” was shuttered into the back of his mind.

Now, on the other hand, his trepidation was palpable. A couple of weeks fresh out of the academy, he willed the numbers to life under his wrist for the first time in years the night before, only to find he was already under the 10 hour mark. Because of that, he found no peace in his attempts to sleep, knowing that the countdown that began nigh 170 years ago would reach its end the very next day.

Kōta wasn’t simply excited—he was terrified, trembling in his futon like a leaf while his mind raced from one train of thought to the next. Leaving his mother and Kusajishi behind? Exams during his six years in Shin’ō? Meeting his Captain for the first time? None of these anxieties compared. Significant milestones? Sure, but this is his other half. His entire life was leading up to this moment.

How exactly did fate dictate the countdown anyway? Was it all predetermined somehow-? The numbers dwindled past his time in Rukon, didn’t sound off among his fellow students, and failed to click with any of the new recruits. With the hours down to the single digit mark now, the silver-haired youth had a strong idea as to where he’d meet her come morning.

As he gave in to fatigue, ready to drift to sleep in the barracks he now calls home, he had but one wish.

God, please let me make a good first impression for her tomorrow.

...

...he hardly slept a wink that night.

Sunbeams beat down brightly on himself and the other new recruits, led by Captain Ukitake to the Fifth Division compound for a joint training day between their squads. Sitting on the edge of the stands outlining the courtyard, Kōta watched as Captain Aizen gave the sizable audience a proper show of what shinigami can hope to achieve within the Gotei 13. Aizen even went and capped off the showcase with a demonstration of his zanpakutō’s shikai!

Wowed and impressed as he was with the bespectacled captain’s illusions (an interesting gimmick using mist of all things), Kōtarō’s mind was still heavily preoccupied with the countdown. Two minutes remain. Overtaken by his nerves while his foot tapped away in the bleachers, his eyes had been scanning the crowd for the last thirty, trying to spot someone who’d have visibly been as anxious as himself, or looking around like he was, but no luck. No sign. Nothing!

One minute.

He almost failed to take heed of the rising crowd—the demonstration was over already! Did he hear something about partnering up in the dōjō-?

Shit!

Soul reapers have risen on their feet and made to shuffle aside towards the steps—Everyone was already on the move!

Wait, am I about to miss her-?!

With panic that could be mistaken for eagerness, Kōta scrambled to rise to his feet, only for his foot to slip off the side of the bleachers. With it slipped his centre of gravity, and lo he unceremoniously fell from the stands entirely, even knocking his head back against another row on the way down.

Well... at least the grass made for a soft landing.

It took him a few moments to take stock of what just happened, and more still for him to sit up... or try to, woozy as he felt and already made to lie back on the grass. He noticed a few soul reapers stayed behind to gather around him, including the two concerned Captains—their voices sounded muffled while he tried to reorient himself, like he couldn’t bring himself to focus on any one thing.

However, a new voice managed to ring comfortably in his ears through his concussed condition.

“Captain Aizen, is he alright-?”

His heart skipped a beat from the sound of that voice. Soft-spoken and gentle, hearing her speak comforted him and granted him renewed vigour all at once. ‘Third Seat Fuyuno’—that he was able to catch from hearing Aizen address her.

Turning his head somewhat, Kōtarō’s bleary gaze began to sharpen again as it fell to the feminine shinigami who came rushing in from the training hall. As he started to come back to, delirium slowly gave way to enchantment at the sight of her.

00:00:00

Blonde hair, long and flowing so beautifully like he’d never even seen before. Purple eyes that soothed his soul, adding a splash of depth to her gorgeous face—and her cheeks look so soft, and her lips even more so... and maybe this was just from his perspective lying down flat in the grass, and maybe his concussion did away with a few mental filters on top of that, but that bust-

Kōta was so smitten with Miki right then and there, it suddenly didn’t matter how stressed and self-conscious he made himself overnight up to this very moment. He was so taken with her, it didn’t matter to him if he had made a fool out of himself in front of her, or his fellow soul reapers in the fifth and thirteenth squads—not even their captains. He was so entranced, he didn’t even realize their timers had just hit zero at long last.

1.5 million hours later, and she was worth every second of the wait.

“...hoooooooooooooooly smokes you’re breathtaking...” he finally drawled out, evidently still dazed and he should probably get some rest, but he’d be damned if he didn’t at least say hello.

#{ straw in the wind ☁ verse ☁ } #{ whispers in the wind ☁ replies ☁ } #hanabiira #{ 'sap it up?' with GUSTO! } #{ cut for length }

[nettlestonenell]

If you don’t like Peggy Carter, you don’t like the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Buckle up, Gentle Readers. You may have thought this blog was done vomiting Peggy Carter meta, but you’d be wrong.

It’s still out there, you probably know, this concept that Peggy Carter is [just] Steve Rogers’ girlfriend. It doesn’t even have the sense to lurk in the shadows of the fandom. It’s front and center whenever she’s brought up. And whether that’s because those posting and perpetuating it think the notion weakens whatever/whoever they ship with Cap, or comes from a place where it’s only supposed to be men that matter in fandom/comics/Marvel/the universe at large, it’s simply, aggressively wrong.

If you don’t like Peggy Carter, you don’t like the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Why would I say that? I’m so glad you asked.

Peggy Carter, as portrayed in the MCU (that’s all we’re going to be talking about her representation in, here), was introduced in CA:TFA (we know that, if we’re reading this we know that). That film was not an origin story for her character. She had already originated, and her character came to that film fully-formed (insert Athena reference). 

(and what a form it is)

She had a job, at which she was very good. She had a sense of self and service, she had (as close as anyone could get to it) the respect of Tommy Lee Jones’ character. She already had a moral compass and a mission.

In fact, it could be supported from the narrative that Steve had to take the super-soldier serum to complete his origin so that he could become Peggy’s equal (at least physically) in both the fight and in love. CA:TFA doesn’t show that Peggy needed to change in any way.

And here’s where some people seem to start to feel rubbed the wrong way. Marvel wasn’t finished with her. In fact, Marvel decided that actually, they wanted to take Peggy Carter and craft from her the actual freakin’ bedrock of their cinematic universe.

How many MCU films/series has Peggy been in? Six. (I count Civil War, even though it’s only her picture.) Sure, some of those are merely cameo appearances. Cap scores eight by the same counting, but two of his appearances are cameos. Cap has three films in which he’s the main character (I could debate that in Civil War with you, if you like, but not here), roughly six hours of film. In three Avengers movies he’s one of many characters, we’ll give him two hours (though his screen time is likely far less). We’re up to eight hours. His three cameos account for 15 minutes. So, for Cap The Literally Freakin’ First Avenger, we get 8.25 hours of film with him.

And for Peggy? Her five cameos equal about 30 minutes. Her time in CA:TFA gets her about, 45 minutes (maybe a little less). BUT Marvel, in using her as the foundation of their cinematic universe (Peggy’s existence and skin in the fight pre-dates Cap’s) they gave her a series. It ran two seasons. She was the main character. It started with a short. Add fifteen minutes (we’re up to 1.5 hours, now). The series aired thirteen hours of footage. That’s 14.5 hours on-screen about Peggy Carter. That’s an awful lot to develop and write and shoot and produce to be dismissed as merely fan service, or (as it more frequently is claimed at least on tumblr) to solely try and establish that Steve Rogers is Straight-y McStraighterson b/c Peggy Carter.

Fourteen and a half hours across multiple plot lines and platforms. There’s the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D cameo. (Forgot about that one, didn’t you?) 

Her appearance in Ant-Man. 

Hours and hours and hours of plots and storylines that don’t deal with Steve Rogers at all, in any way. [Caveat: Some of S1 does masterfully deal with the loss of Captain American AND Steve Rogers--for both her and Howard Stark* (*also more than Cap’s boyfriend)]

Do you know who founds S.H.I.E.L.D.? Howard Stark and PEGGY CARTER. Are we gonna argue now that S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t foundational to the MCU? Are we gonna handwave Coulson and Fury, Maria Hill b/c “they just work for Cap’s girlfriend”? 

Marvel’s Agent Carter spent literally AN ENTIRE SEASON schooling us on the fact that dismissing Peggy Carter, Steve Rogers’ Liaison (she’s his handler, he’s her asset) as ‘Cap’s Girlfriend’ was not only reductive but wrong-headed. Six hours of listening to bonehead boys-club agents at SSR belittling Peggy for being female, claiming her entire professional existence was courtesy Cap.

And yet Peggy is already in the military when she is assigned to Cap’s unit. She’s already giving orders, and working for Tommy Lee Jones—don’t think she wasn’t getting told she was probably sleeping with HIM--(and dealing with idiots who can’t yet dismiss her for being Cap’s girlfriend, so they’re glad to sneer at her for being a female in power). 

Peggy Carter doesn’t work under Steve Rogers, she works for people above him. She’s the one who, as they say in the spy world, ‘brings him in’ by encouraging him to break-up with the USO and use what Dr. Erskine gave him for a greater good. She works alongside Howard Stark, possibly the brightest mind on Earth at the time.

And let’s not forget the fact that Steve and Peggy are not ACTUALLY dating. They’ve never been on a date. Once, she visited a bar where he was, and then left after a short period of time. Alone.

It is actually illegal in the Midwest to leave this dress out of any posts where it can feasibly be used.

They may have spent hours together in work-based situations, but insofar as we’re shown, they never even so much as brushed hands. Yeah, her picture’s in his compass. And they look at each other like they’re ready to make love despite the full room crowd around them, but recall: There’s kissing, and only Tommy Lee Jones there to witness it.

What’s that mean? Well, I doubt it means TLJ’s character was interested enough or indiscreet enough to get that event posted in the base newsletter. What it means is that even if she had not been, Peggy’s sex immediately (long before anything happened between her and Steve) caused people to assume she was Steve’s girlfriend. Her grief following his loss? Not allowed to just be grief for a colleague, a lost asset. Nope, had to be love (even though to those making that qualification of their relationship little evidence existed to reach that conclusion). Peggy had no chance to be seen as other.

And had Steve lived/not crashed—she never, ever would have been able to extricate herself in-story from people assuming and tagging her with that label, negating all her personal triumphs as “Cap’s girlfriend’s” un-earned accomplishments.

But you know what we’re shown instead? Steve on ice—able to save the world later, but Agent Peggy Carter saving the world NOW. She’s ground-zero for dealing with the superpowered. If we’re told Cap’s the First Avenger, then Peggy Carter is the First Avenger’s handler. She writes the textbook for dealing with superpowers, and the supernatural showing up on earth. She builds the agency designed to deal with items like the Tesseract and people like Cap. Gate-keeper of what becomes the MCU.

I just love Dum Dum. Did I need another reason to use this photo?

In fact, there’s only one MCU character with more screen time than Peggy Carter. It’s the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. In his series, where he’s the main character, he clocks about 31 hours of time (roughly twice Peggy’s). And he’s in The Defenders ensemble as well. (I’ll generously award him two hours there, for a total of 33 hours in the MCU). But Matt Murdock stays in Hell’s Kitchen, and his adventures occur there. He’s not been allowed to run around in the broader mythology. He’s contained. Claustrophobic, even.

But Peggy Carter has been deliberately given vast MCU connections, and developed as a thread that runs through every earth-bound MCU journey (save Spider-Man thus far). In addition to her connection to Nick Fury, Black Widow’s Red Room training (via early Widow-prototype Dottie Underwood), SSR/S.H.I.E.L.D., the Howling Commandos, Howard Stark, and the original human Jarvis. She’s even dealt with Zero Matter, a similar entity to Thor’s Aether. She’s connected to Hank Pym, and personally knew Bucky Barnes in WWII. And almost certainly has an unexplored-in-canon connection to Tony Stark.

Arguably, Peggy Carter also wins Most Well-Developed character in the MCU. We’ve been shown Peggy has:

           Parents who have appeared on-screen

           Multiple named friends and acquaintances (many not even there               to advance the plot!)

-          Two significant frenemies (Dottie Underwood, Jack Thompson)

-          Close confidantes with whom she shares multiple scenes

-          A backstory/origin story given in her series that pre-dates her                     appearance in CA:TFA

-          An ongoing narrative that laid the basis for the MCU

-          A funeral attended by lots (a whole church-load) of people

-          A broken-engagement fiance

           Dated a man NOT Cap, following Cap’s ice dive

           A husband

           A brother

-          Children

-          Grandchildren

           A niece

-          A rich, whole, life outside her brief time with Cap

CONCLUSION: You know who dismisses Peggy Carter as Steve Rogers’ girlfriend? (And also suggests that she’s slept with Howard Stark, her former co-worker?) Loser SSR Agent Krzeminski. 

Do you know what happens to him? He gets shot in the head. By a girl. 

Who he probably just thought was some guy’s girlfriend.

#agent carter #marvel's agent carter #peggy carter #mcu #steve rogers #cap won't mind #is my marvel superhero #girlfriends #only a girlfriend #i grind my teeth in disgust

[pragmaticoptomism-blog]

You ever watch a really good movie and when it’s over and the silence swallows the room, you can feel everyone slowly adjusting to reality again?

You hear popcorn start to shake and drinks rattling around as one by one, the audience leaves the theater. 

Except you look up and you’re the only one in the theater?

I feel so many emotions all at once and they even completely negate each other, sometimes. 

I wanted to make a space for myself to vent because I think it’s taking a toll on my friendships and that’s the last thing I want to do. I sound like a broken record, probably. I also feel like I don’t really know who I am or what people’s intensions are towards me. I feel like nothing is real, lately. I feel like it’s easy to accept this when you have someone- a lover, because everyone else is at arms length in some way because no one is closer to you than the person you love. But when that person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s easy to see things either for what they really are or to take things too seriously/personally. I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

But, I wanted to make an honest space for myself. I feel like the past 2 years of my life have been completely unraveling everything I knew, or didn’t know would be a better description. I tried to make a new account, and couldn’t because my most recent email was already used. I don’t even remember making this account, but after reading the 5 posts that were on here- I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit here and shake my head back in forth in silence staring at my tv with that 70′s show on unable to even have a next thought. 

I feel like this post should be a summary to fill in the gap.

One day I was at school, having a hotel party with my classmates. I wanted to sleep early and Bernie said he did too. We went to bed. I woke up to him a little close behind me, but it was nice and it was familiar, in the way that at home was the first man I’ve ever loved for so long and always slept next to like that. We were having problems, I felt like he didn’t love me anymore for my present self- just the old past memories we had. And in the moment, being with this man that only knew me as present me and sleeping next to me- it was almost nice. I clicked my phone alarm off to sleep for a few more minutes, and I felt Bernie move closer to me. He kissed the back of my neck. My eyes could not have opened wider, I clicked my phone to look at the time because I felt frozen emotionally, mentally, physically, really- in every way. My heart was pounding out of my chest!! What the fuck??? And also why the fuck did I not punch him right in his face? I got up and went to the bathroom. I went through my normal routine, washed my face- brushed my teeth. Christina came in the bathroom. I started doing my makeup and kept looking over at her every few seconds to stare at her face while she brushed her teeth. Finally I said Christina listen and I turned on the faucet as loud as it could as we usually did to drown out our voices so the guys couldn’t hear us. 

I told her what happened and her face froze with disbelief? surprise? and then she laughed so hard, mostly in disbelief. She made kissy noises at me after that to make fun of it. & We laughed about it. But that really was the start of a fucking insane roller coster of MENTAL FUCKARY THAT IS CURRENTLY RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS FOR THE PAST ???? IDK WHAT EVEN HAS IT BEEN? 2 YEARS? IS THAT REAL?

I should of told Tom. I should of told Bernie that was unacceptable. I should of told Christina it wasn’t funny. I should of done a lot of things. For the next 2-3 weeks, he was just more flirty around me. I ignored it, but I didn’t confront it. I felt overwhelming insane crazy guilt for his actions for about a month because of Tom. Tom & I’s relationship was coming to an end and I didn’t want to tell Tom about any of this because then it would have seemed like, to Tom, that Bernie or another person or whatever was the reason for it’s end. When in reality and to this day, it was never about that. He’s not stupid and he probably knew things that I don’t even know now that he knows from then. But, we broke up. It went to a place in my mind and my heart where I felt completely numb. It was literally locked away so deep into my mind that even still now, it feels like when I try to access that part of my memory- that there’s someone on the other end physically tugging it back until I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it. After Tom & I broke up, Bernie & I started meeting after school on Sundays one on one in the car to talk, sometimes go to the mall. I remember once we kissed and it was a complete lust-ful horny kiss coming from him and this should of been my first sign but at the time- I wanted a quick rebound hook up and this was just easy. I didn’t want to do anything sexual, so I didn’t. He would just sit there and bitch that he has blue balls, “come onnnn” he would say!!  What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I remember the first time I agreed to come over his house. He said he would take me apple picking. Way after that, I asked him once about what went through his mind when I said okay I’ll come over. He said that he re-read it two or three times in disbelief and quickly cleaned up his room and was nervous and excited. I drove myself 1.5 hours to Jersey City NJ, a new place I’ve never been before. The neighborhood looked kinda run down. I pulled up and parallel parked. I texted him, I’m here! & He came downstairs and met me at my car to walk me inside. I walked into the house and walked up the creeky stairs, he turned on the light that would flicker on for a few seconds before actually being on. I walked in the room, and went to put my bag down on the ground and he took me and threw me on the bed. He started kissing me and I mumbled through the kiss woahhh already?! and I’m glad that I don’t remember what his response was. We had sex and it wasn’t really good. It was fun? I guess? As much fun as you could have when your emotionally crippled in reality but denying legit every aspect of that? Eventually he came and he got one of his shirts out of the laundry bin so I could clean myself off. I put my clothes back on and I don’t even remember the rest of the night at all. That night was Thursday. The next day we went and got breakfast, hung out. <- repeat till Saturday morning. I was awake basically all night and I told him I needed to leave Sat morning. He said okay and walked me to the car. I wanted to go home but as I started to drive, I just started to cry. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing and couldn’t see the road. I pulled over into this industrial type of street and couldn’t stop crying. I felt broken inside. I called Bernie and apologized but explained the situation. He said to come back and I did. He told me to move to the passenger seat and he got into the drivers seat and my sobbing turned to regular crying. I told him I was crying because I was picturing going home and dealing with Tom not being there, and that I was scared to finally be alone and face that. He told me he would bring me where he likes to go when he’s upset, to get Ramen. He drove me to this place called Mitsua marketplace in Edgewater NJ. We sat and ate ramen and he said a bunch of shit that made me feel better. I stayed over another night. The next morning, he was getting dressed and was going apple picking with his friends. I wasn’t invited. I got dressed and finally drove back home to Long Island and we never went apple picking together. 

Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The next month was spent getting really close to each other really quickly, but never getting that type of intimate closeness/security. I felt like he was hiding something, or maybe even everything from me- all the time. I felt like when I would leave, he would go back to a completely different life than what he lived while I was there. Yet, I had nothing- no physical proof- to feel this way. I made sure to never say anything out loud that would make it seem like I wanted a relationship. One weekend, I told him I got asked out on a date. (By a guy named Liam) and he looked and sounded like he could not care less. He said something like, if that’s what you want to do- do it! I said okay, I’m going to go on the date, I just felt like you should know. (at this point in time, I was trying to keep emotional distance- obv failing a bit, and also unsure of what his intensions were). I told Liam yea and we were suppose to go out eventually, but shit kept coming up. The next time I was at Bernie’s for the weekend was New Years Weekend of 2018. He took me to lunch with his mother and he took me to his friends house for a NYE party. I was so fucking confused, but I felt stupid for feeling confused. In my head, I was thinking idk this is probably normal- we’re just friends with benefits he said? but why am i here with his mom and best friends? whats going on? maybe i do want this? 

At his friends house, I had a lot of fun with his friends Tony, Chris, Julia, and Jen. Julia and I split a bottle of wine and Jen took a bunch of pictures- always being warm and welcoming to me as apparently the new member of this group. I remember him taking a pic of us together on the couch on snapchat and then deleting it. I had a few drinks, and so I asked him why he didn’t send it anywhere. He said where would I send it to. I said why not to our school snap? He ignored that. Now in my head I felt so confused and stupid, ashamed a little even or embarrassed because obviously if he doesn't want to send a snap of us together to our school snapchat group- then we aren’t anything more than friends with benefits, as I sit next to him wrapped in his arm on his friends couch on my 2/3rd night spent with him????? Again, what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!

I have no memory on specifics of how we eventually were a couple outwardly. I remember hiding it in school, taking separate cars for a while, and then eventually- we didn’t hide it. I spend so much time slowly drifting farther and farther away from all my friends in the class. Bernie didn’t want to eat with them because his skin was bad, the sun would bother him, the bugs were outside, it was too warm out, too cold out, new medicine, new lotion, didn't shower yet, showered already. Whatever the fuck reason. So I would feel bad, and go eat with him away from everyone else. We wouldn't even have fun. He would be mad at me for something and we would silently watch Netflix eating lunch. Once he flipped the fuck out because his sandwich was made with cheese and he threw it against the wall in the classroom downstairs (no one else was there yet). & I would feel like all this behavior was my fault. I would write notes in my phone reminding me to “be easy on him, be his peace, he works hard”. I’d be so mad at myself for asking “who’s that” when I saw a girls name on his snap friends or texts that I didn’t recognize the name, and he would get so fucking pissed. “A friend” Example of my note from my phone:

“It makes you upset because you’re scared to loose him to anything. But the reality is you won’t. It’s just 1% of the time. It’s temporary- in the future, you’ll prob always be around him. Eventually you’ll live together. It’s something that makes him happy, look past the worrying. It’s possible new friends you can have too, who have their own lives, too. He gives you no reason to distrust. He loves you. You’re better than those girls (ha!!!). So just wait it out, reset, & repeat. Be happy, live YOUR life, stop thinking about what he might be doing when he hangs out with those girls and be happy you’ll get to see him again.”

Again, what the fuckkkkkkkk was or is wrong with me?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So Capstone 1 rolls around and we both fail it. 3 people in the class failed and we (both top of our class) failed it. (wow wonder fuckin why) I studied my ass off to re-take this exam and was up near school most of the time. I stayed by my classmates houses, Sammie & Anisha. Bernie had family over visiting and he was driving to DC with them and was busy, so during this time he was mostly MIA and I wasn’t allowed to stay there. He met up with us one day to study in this one room on the floor at school. I remember that feeling hitting me- somethings different, hes going to break up with you. He complimented that my hair looked soft. I asked him if he wanted to go get food before he had to leave, he said no he really had to go- and left. My panic set in like fucking crazy and I just tried to shove it down as far as I could so that I could concentrate on retaking my capstone exam. When I got to his house- I stayed over his house the night before capstone since he offered, he showed me that he had made me my own drawer. He put some things I accidently left there in it. He said now I can have my own space there to feel comfortable. That made me so happy, but inside I was so confused and axious because he was so different I could sense it but couldnt put it into words why. So I would try to explain to him, and he would deny it- everythings fine etc you have no examples what are you even saying. I laid there sobbing and got up and collected my things to go anywhere else- maybe Christinas maybe Anishas, all I knew was I needed to get the fuck away and concentrate to pass my retake exam the next day. He looked over and saw me doing that and finally gave me physical touch and grabbed me, pulled me close, and said come on you need sleep and played with my hair and that was one of the very few times of sincere feelings of connecting on a deeper level of intimacy that I can remember from my whole relationship with Bernie. We woke up next morning and took our test and I remember saying good luck to him and whatnot and he treated it extremely weird and formal . and I assumed it was because it was a serious situation- this retake. We both passed. I was so relieved. I got in his car (he drove me there) and we discussed our retakes. I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the day and if I could buy him a celebratory drink. He said uhhhh idk. I was like oh are you busy? He was like yea sorry. & I tried so hard to accept that and leave it. After about 20 min of silence, I asked... what are you busy with? And he said something like idk yet and I was like why dont you want to hangout with me? and he said welp I guess this is ganna be talked about then since you wont just let it be. & He stone cold, facing forward the whole time, zero eye contact at all, broke up with me. “This just isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t love you anymore. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just don’t love you.” I asked him 500 million thousand questions, considering it was still about a half hour drive to his house, where my car and belongings were. I asked him since when? But you never told me you were unhappy? Can you just tell me specifics so I can work on myself? He didn’t provide answers. He just said he didn’t love me anymore. We got to his house and I put my backpack in my trunk. I went upstairs and collected my things, including everything from the drawer he just gave me that same weekend. He stood there and (finally) switched from cold to looked upset as he watched me get my shit. I walked downstairs and he walked behind me. I put all my things in my car, and I grabbed this stuffed animal from my backseat that he gave me and handed it back to him as I choked on my own tears and snot. He looked shocked that I gave it to him. He said “But i got this for you!” and i said why would you think I would want to keep this? He said if you’re sure alright and looked really upset. I shut the door to my car and he walked back inside. I drove to Staten Island and sobbed to Mike and eventually Christina when she was done with work.

We had about a month’s break until school again. I felt so so so so so so so down. I could not stop crying. My head was beating from crying. I couldn’t eat. I lost so much weight because I legit had 0 appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep, would fall asleep for just enough time to have a dream about him and wake up sobbing. I would re-read old messages over and over to convince myself that it happened, he was real, I wasn’t crazy. I felt like the relationship was made up in my mind and that I was the only one who endured it. At work one day I asked for closure and I sat in the car after my shift and read to him my note I typed out asking what I did or what happened. He provided no answers yet again and said I just dont love you. I felt like a fuckin zombie. I remember asking him one day if we could still snowboard or still play overwatch together and him saying he would think about it. Eventually he happened to invite me into a game on overwatch the same night Liam asked me to get Ralphs ices. I played some games with him then said I had to go and logged off to get Ralphs. Soon, we had school. We were still in the same hotel room. We tried to act normal, and would talk here or there. OR he would talk, I would ignore. He made comments to me like “An amazing girl got me these” and it was boxers I had bought him. He bought my favorite wine one night to the hotel and brought it to where it was in my site and poured a glass then asked if I wanted some. I said no. We went and got taco bell with classmates for lunch and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I said no I couldnt emotionally handle that. He said okay and that he understood that. At some other point, we walked me christina & him to get chinese food. Christina went inside to go get it and while she was inside, bernie kicked the wall a little bit softly and turned and looked at me and was like so I wanted to tell you something. And said he wanted to get back together and that he fucked up. I dont even know what i responded, maybe I said something like are you kidding. As all of that was happening, him making these comments and shit-  I was just so relieved to know that it was real. That he was real and those weeks I spent feeling fucking crazy- I wasn’t crazy. I remember one night we slept in the same bed and I just laid there and cried and said I didnt want him to touch me or to touch him, even though inside it was the only thing I wanted. He wanted to kiss me and low key kept trying to, brought his face closer to mine and opened his mouth in that slight way. Eventually I think I did kiss him- and it made me sob. I knew he wanted to fuck & it made me cry more to think about it. & I told him it would take a really long time for me to ever adjust or be okay with that in any way and he just kept saying I know. 

We would talk on the phone for hours at a time when I was driving home from school or staten island or work or whatever- and i called him out on everything. I told him hes so fucked up and needs to address shit that his dad left him and he never accepted it and all this bullshit. He was silent most of the time, and listened. He told me I was “100% right” and that he could never take back damage that was done. He asked me eventually to go meet with him and his friends in the city, not to be together- just to hang out. I stupidly said yes.  

That was the weekend we “reconnected”, I guess. Being with his friends again and we went on a hike together and just being back into the swing of it, was so comfortable and better than the fucking misery I was in at home for weeks not eating or sleeping. It was so nice to sleep and eat and live and laugh. 

We were back together! Things were great! The same shit went on in the background, same problems as before. He would talk to girls behind my back- I would either ignore it because I didn’t want to fight, or I would mention it and we would fight. I would find things out and have to wait to confront him until in person so he would accept blame and apologize- otherwise, when I was away at home and he was home- he would flip it onto me. 

I remember driving to go snowboarding, he fell and got hurt so we went home early. I bought him some water and snacks and helped him into the car- took his boots off so he didn’t have to bend down. He fell asleep and I wanted to stay awake while driving and stopped at a rest stop. He woke up and wanted food. We got food and while we were sitting inside, this guy was STARING at me making me feel really uncomfortable so I asked if we could eat in the car. Bernie immediately was super grumpy and I was just like oh fuck here we go.. we walked to the car and I felt so guilty that he was angry about going to the car. I said I was sorry and asked if he wanted to go back in and he turned around and SCREAMMMMMED at me in this fucking parking lot. he threw his food and tears were rolling down his face out of anger. I wanted to die. I told him that I was sorry I didnt have two separate cars so that I could leave, and he said oh so you just want to leave when I’m at my worst? And that genuinely made me feel like a terrible person- I felt like I was in the wrong. (Ill say it again- what the fuck was wrong with me?) We drove home and once we got home this time, I was so used to this shit that I knew better than to try to talk about it or resolve any issue. I just let him sleep and I sat up on the couch, and put on greys anatomy to distract myself from what the fuck just happened and what was beginning to become normal to me. (!!!!!!!)

I have FLASHBACKSSSSS to times spent with this person that I can’t even fill in gaps for. Him slapping me in the face!!!!  him screaming at me in his house waking his mom and sister up which I felt embarrassed about even though it was HIM!!!!! I can’t believe anyone- nevermind my own fucking self- ever experienced any of this. He just knew what to say to twist my mind into thinking it was my fault. I would get up collect my things to leave when he would yell and he would say if I cant handle him at his worst I cant have him at all, or say okay Im leaving just like everyone always leaves him. & Then I would feel horrible. How could I leave someone saying that? (I should of)

Yet still, why does my mind wander to the Filipino restaurant where the staff knew me as “his partner” because I would leave while he was sleeping and get his favorites. I legit learned another fuckin language for this MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! Who did not deserve it for one single second! Master manipulator! I cant believe the memories that I am typing here and I cant believe it was my life. 

This relationship was fucking horrible and I do not understand why or how or EVEN WHO I WAS during this time. I really wanted to write this because it is so easy to loose yourself in periods of vulnerability. I really do feel like everything happens for a reason. However, there’s someone that just always comes to my mind that has sort of always been in the background since I met him at school and I feel like there was just so much time wasted in every capacity on Bernie that it may have fucked it all up for this other person/opportunity. But if it did, it must have happened for a reason. I needed to find myself in this drastic way and I know I’m better for it. I feel returned to my body after 2 years of being lost. 

Anyway, one night I went out to eat with Emily and he was pissed the fuck offfffff about it, although he would never admit that was the reason. I felt guilty that he was upset- I sent him a pic of the menu and said I would bring him there next time he came to LI. The next day, after a 10 hour shift of clinical- I get a CALL from him. All day, I kinda knew it. I remember thinking to myself “why would he break up with you? theres no reason for that- get it out of your mind”. He said bullshit intro- hey how was your day (not genuinely), I said fine, whats up and he said “well...” and I immediately laughed. I said “are you breaking up with me right now” and he said well I was thinking a lot last night and I think we need to stop seeing each other. And I laughed and said okay just to clarify- you thought about it for literally one night? 12 hours? he said yes. I said okay, and before that- did you have any thought in your mind about wanting to break up? he said no but jackie stop. I said okay, when you collect my things- make sure you get everything. & we hung up. Prob a 5 minute phone call. He had such a cold angry tone that sounded exactly like the first time- he blamed me and made me feel like I betrayed him in some way that he was breaking up with me for. 

This time, I could sleep and eat. Although I was upset, it was 500 million times easier than the first time. In fact, it was a RELIEF to not have the responsibility anymore to sit up wondering who he’s with or what he’s lying about. 

It was much easier to cope with (since I was expecting) him to crawl his way (or try to) back into my life after this time- months of being MIA. He tried so much shit and I am very very relieved to know that I’m back in my right fucking mind.

I accept what happened, and the hardest part is stopping blaming myself. I was in a vulnerable spot, and someone manipulative swooped in. As much as I might want to forget, or take it back- I can’t. So I will remember it, learn, and be better for it. 

This past week, after I got a “are you awake” text, 2 missed calls, and a voicemail asking to get coffee at 6AM followed by him liking old DM messages on instagram- I went off. & It felt so fucking gooooooooooood. Fuck Y O U R S E L FFFFFFFFFFFF.

#fuckyou