#shoot forgot to tag the eyeball

[sparkelingspectres]

Just a lil scribble I did at work :D

#ive had this design in my head for like a week but it looks so familiar like ive seen it before somewhere #but none of my coworkers can pinpoint exactly what it reminds us of lmao so i *might* be subconsciously ripping something off idk #but either way i think it turned out really good considering its literally permanent marker on 3 pieces of cheap tape😭 #might convert this to digital someday #okay to reblog!!! #illustration #pen and paper #sketch #sketchbook #black and white drawing #callistas art #shoot forgot to tag the eyeball #eye horror #eye #eyeball #boom nailed it💅

[ajbwasntwriting]

Daughter!Reader X Negan, Reader x Daryl: Chapter 13. Flames

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(we using the same gif cause I couldn’t get the bridge gif to work sorry no sorry)

I’ll only post more chapters if previous chapters get a good reaction so if you enjoy this please heart it, reblog it, and/or reply to it. Interaction inspires.

if you wish to be added to the tag list please dm me. All chapters can be found under the tag AJ’s Negan’s Daughter AU

Soon the camp was left near barren. The saviours had made up more than half the work force and as far as it seemed you were the only one left. You spotted Daryl sitting in front of a white tent eating an apple. You bee-lined past Eugene and Rick to him, sitting on the chair just opposite from him.

“Hey” Daryl greeted you warmly. You just smiled at him then went back to staring in the middle ground, leaned down in the chair and your arms crossed. You sat there in peeved silence for a moment, just not wanting to be alone right now. “Heard the yelling match you had-”

“Don’t” You said, closing your eyes and shaking your head in annoyance. “I feel stupid enough as is.”

A hand landed on your knee and Daryl’s gruff voice said “You ain’t stupid, Darlin’”

That made you smile whether you liked it or not. You looked at him through the side of your eye, leaning forward and looking at you with so much love. “Darlin’, huh?” you commented on the new pet name. You uncrossed your arms and took his hand in yours, ignoring how sticky it felt from the apple he was eating. “I could get used to that.”

“Anything I can do for you? You name it, I’ll make it happen.” Daryl said.

“Just sit with me a while.” You droned, clearly exhausted. “Before you gotta up and go again.”

“‘Course” he reassured you, kissing your knuckles. You detached your hands so he could finish his apple and you were happy to sit with him. The noise of the camp was gone and there wasn’t anything you could do, but with Daryl you always felt at ease. Though something seemed off about him. A kind of anger was boiling under your skin. Maybe he was pissed the Saviours up and left too.

Jerry arrived back on horse and was talking to Rick. You didn’t bother yourself with it but Daryl’s interest seemed to be piqued. Especially when he walked by talking rapidly into a walkie talkie. You tuned into the conversation out of curiosity.

“I need you to get an urgent message to Alexandria… If Maggie Rhee shows up, delay her at the gate and alert Michonne right away. Do not... repeat… do not let her in without an escort. Over”

“What’s happening?” You asked Daryl. He didn’t look at you as he stood up. You stood up after him and walked behind

“And, Maggie, if you're listening… let's talk.” Rick tucked the walkie back into his belt.

“Hey. What’s goin’ on?” Daryl asked as he approached.

“Maggie's headed to Alexandria.” Rick explained.

“Is that bad?” You asked.

“She's about do something she might regret.” Rick explained further, grabbing the horse.

“Hop on. I'll take you.” Daryl said.

“You sure? We got enough fuel?” Rick asked, already moving to Daryl’s bike

“Yeah. We’ll get there quicker.” Daryl said, climbing onto the bike. “I’ll be back soon, Darlin’” he called to you.

“Better be in one piece” you shot back.

“I’ll make sure of it, Y/N!” Rick replied. You watched as they took off down the road, leaving you in a crumbling camp.

You wandered around the camp, finding the Alexandrians had left too and what was left of hill top and oceanside were scattered with talk of leaving. You eventually came upon Carol. She was packing up with a group you recognised as the kingdom's people. “You leaving too?” You called, grabbing her attention. You settled onto the heel of your feet and placed your hands into the back pockets of your hips, watching as she asked a nearby man to finish packing up the crate.

“This place is bust, Y/N” She said, walking towards you. “I know you tried earlier but-”

“Yeah” you hissed through your teeth. “I get it.” She looked away, seemingly embarrassed. “You're going back to the kingdom I see.”

“There’s room on the wagon if you want” Carol offered, seemingly remorseful.

“No.” You replied “I told Sanctuary I’d be back.”

Carol shook her head in disbelief then chuckled as she threw her head to the sky then back to you. “I don’t get it. You hated it there!” She expressed while you nodded along in agreement. “But you wanna go back?”

‘I was trying to cover my ass but now everyone who knows me is dead’ you thought. Though that wouldn’t fly. Your childhood made you an adept liar though. ‘No granny those aren’t vomit stains on the carpet I just spilled my porridge. Yes, I eat porridge now.’

“I was scared. And lonely. But in time it got less so.” you explained, not breaking eye-contact. “I don’t know the Saviours you knew, but the ones I know appreciate my work. And they’ve got nothing. I had nothing and Daryl came to me, gave me a shot. I wanna extend that to them.”

“We won’t help,” Carol said. “Too many people were hurt.”

“Well if you’re gonna turn away starving children and hard working people,” You retorted. “We’ll go elsewhere.”

“You’re a horrible liar,” Carol chuckled.

“Right back at ya,” you turned to leave and pack your things when Carol called you. She came up to you and offered you a revolver and a belt holster.

“You’ll need it,” she said. You took the belt and weapon.

“Thanks, Carol.” You said. She pulled you into a hug that you returned with gusto then parted so you could pack your things.

You didn’t have much, mainly your knife and the clothing on your back but Enid had forgotten some valuable supplies in the infirmary. Between that, the change of clothes you had and a couple apples you had hidden away in your tent for later, your bag was bare.

You were about to set out and start dismantling one of the tents to bring back when you heard bullets fly. You immediately got low to the floor and pulled out your gun, checking if it was loaded.

The rounds sounded too rapid to be one sided. You walked out the back of the tent and noticed the shoot out. It was a small group of saviours going after Carol’s group. You took a deep breath and ran out of the tent and behind a nearby tree, then peered out the side and took two quick shots at the group. You managed to hit one and the larger group was now caught off guard. In the time it took you to unload the barrel you downed another two and the fire fight had ended with Carol’s group victorious and a number of the Saviours running back into the woods. They disappeared as quickly as they appeared. You ran over to Carol’s group.

“Is everyone alright?” You asked.

“They got Fred!” one of the hilltoppers yelled. You looked at the armoured body and knew in an instant he was gone from the axe wound alone.

“You gotta come with us,” Carol said to you. “The shots would’ve attracted the herd.”

“Alexandria’s the safest bet with the way that herd is moving” Jerry put in.

“Alexandria it is then,” you agreed, helping load up now. The tents were abandoned. Someone from Oceanside radioed that the camp wasn’t safe but no one checked for a response. Everything was loaded up and the carriages were moved.

Off in Alexandria, in someone else’s world. Maggie entered the dark basement cell. Her face was illuminated by what little light creeped between the shutters. Negan chuckled.

“Aw, she just gave up the keys, huh?” He jested “It's a shame. She got the blade, but you...You got the fire. My money was on you.”

Maggie looked into his cell. He sat on his bed, shrouded in darkness. “So you remember me.” She spoke into the darkness”

“'Course I do.” Negan Replied “It's why I thought you were gonna win.”

“Good.” Maggie swallowed hard, emboldening her resolve. This was it, she was going to give this monster what he deserved. “Get on your knees.”

“You know, I remember you screamin' in that clearing.” Negan muled aloud, standing up and walking closer to the bars yet not completely out of the darkness “I remember how much I broke you breakin' open your husband's head like I did.”

“Glenn.” Maggie snapped “His name was Glenn.”

“So now what? You finally come for…” Negan paused for intentional dramatic effect “revenge?”

“Justice.”

“Damn.” Negan gasped “Thought you'd do this a hell of a lot sooner. It take you this long to work up your nerve?

“I was always gonna settle this,” Maggie retorted, her voice growing in volume “what you did to my husband. Get on your knees.”

“What I did to him?” Negan pressed “You mean how I cracked open his skull and popped out his goddamn eyeball? How I bashed his big, beautiful brains into the ground over and over while you and his little friends watched? Is that what you mean?

“Ah, I used to say that I didn't enjoy killin'.” Negan sighed with satisfaction “That was a lie. Your old man… Christ, I forgot his name again. But he was different. Killin' him the way I did, ooh, now, that was fun.”

Maggie pressed the key into the lock, the teeth rolling over the internal mechanisms echoing in the dark cell. Negan took to his knees, as had been requested of him.

“Get to it. Have your justice. Kill me. It was worth it.”

“Lemme see you in the light.” Maggie demanded.

“Come on.” Negan beckoned her on “Kill me.” She turned the key, the lock clicking loudly. “You not have it in you?” Negan teased “Don't you punk out like Rick.”

“Come into the light.” Maggie demanded again.

“Kill me. This is what you came here for!” Negan demanded, his tone becoming desperate “You kill me!”

“Move into the light.” Maggie spook through her teeth, peeved.

“Kill me.” Negan’s head went down and he began to cry. Maggie finally lost her patience, pulling the door open and tearing Negan from his cell and into what little light there was in the room.

“Please. Please.” Negan began to beg. He was disheveled and cowering on the floor in a useless pile. “Please kill me.

“Why?” Maggie asked

“You have to. Just do it.”

“You tell me why!” Maggie began to yell at him “Tell me! Why should I?!”

“So I can be with my family!” Negan cried out “So I can be with Lucille! And with my Y/N!” Negan sobbed silently.

“I should be dead.” He began to ramble “I have to be dead. And it's supposed to be you. It has to be you, because I can't do it. I can't do it. I've tried. I can't. I can't be like this. Please, please don't make me stay like this. It's... Settle it.” He was so distraught every other word he was gasping for air. “Settle me. Kill me. Please.”

“Get back in your cell.” Maggie ordered

“No.” Negan protested from the floor where he lay “No. No. No.” He sobbed “Why?”

“I came to kill Negan,” Maggie said “and you're already worse than dead. That settles it.” Negan hid his face as he sobbed “Go.” she ordered.

He knew better than to argue with her, especially how she pulled him out of the cell without breaking a sweat. “It wasn't supposed to be like this.” He protested weakly, “It wasn't supposed to be like this.”

With that Maggie locked the gate and left the cell, content that her husband’s murderer was suffering.

“What the hell was that?” One of the kingdom’s people said when they were far enough away, clearly talking to you. In their eyes you were the last saviour. They strode up behind you.

“I don’t know” You muttered, pulling one of the horses along the road

You were walking as fast as you can, basically dragging the horses and carriages and this man wanted to fight. “What do you mean you don’t know!”

“I don’t know!” You yelled back, continuing to move. “People do stupid shit when they’re scared!”

“They killed Fred!”

“We killed them!” You finally let go of the horse and turned around to face the man. “And you’ve been killing them for a long time!”

“You don’t know what they-”

“The war?” You cut him off “I know that there is a factory full of people who are starving, working their ass off to get you ethanol, and have no protection.” You were too caught in the moment to notice the wagon train had stopped moving and too angry to hear Jerry and Carol calling to you “Not fighters! Workers! People who didn’t get a chance to defend themselve in your precious fucking war and are paying the price for it!”

Horses trotted up to meet you halfway in the road. You recognised Maggie, Eugene, Tara, and Michone and a few others. Daryl rode up from the back of the group on his bike.

“What happened?” Maggie rode up to the group and asked Carol.

“Saviours jumped us. Ended up shooting each other.” Carol explained. “The gun fire could’ve attracted the herd so we left.”

“Where’s Rick?” Daryl asked.

“He’s not with you?” You shot back.

“What if he headed back to the camp?” Beatrice, a girl from Oceanside, pitched. You could feel the panic set in the group. Daryl disembarked from his bike.

“I know a shortcut. Come on!” He lead the way into the forest. You and a large group instantly took off on foot, following him closely. Within minutes you were back at the bridge to a horrifying sight.

Countless walkers were crossing the bridge. The herd was so thick no sunlight was travelling through and standing at the end of the bridge, with all those walkers heading right towards him, was Rick. Daryl already had his bow out and was picking off the walkers that got too close to his friend.

“What is he doing?!” Maggie yelled.

“He's hurt!” Michone cried. You noticed his clothes were soaked in blood

“That herd that went right through Hilltop.” Daryl gasped “He's trying to bring down the bridge.”

In the next instant Michone had her sword out and was running towards the herd. You called after her and ran after her.

“We turn them around. Fight 'em back.” Maggie followed close behind you

“Fire your guns.” Carol ordered “Try to divert them.

Michone called to Rick as you all ran to the herd, but a moment later the herd caught in flames. Michone stumbled back as the orange heat climbed above your heads. She stood there a moment, shocked into place. You looked through the flames and felt yourself thrown back into your army days.

Rubble and sand were all around you. The air was heavy with debris. It was you, five other servicemen and countless civilians trapped into a crumbling building while bullets flew outside. Children were crying and parents could do nothing to calm them. There was a moment of calm. A moment to get the group through a gap in the rock fall near the back of the building. You got them through while the others lay down ground fire, keeping the enemy at bay. You pulled yourself through the hole after the last of the civilians made it out and went about helping your fellow soldier. They were nearly clear when an explosion went off in the building and you were both sent backwards. You could feel the heat from the explosion on your face, but your ally could feel their life seeping out of their lost leg. He screamed out in complete agony.

The same way Michone screamed out. When you felt yourself come back you noticed Maggie and Carol were holding her back and you had fallen to the ground.

“Y/N!” Tara yelled to you, pulling the rest of you into the present “We have to go!” You nodded rapidly and pulled yourself to your feet. You all retreated back a ways so the herd wouldn’t come to you right away.

“I need to find him,” Michone sobbed. “I need to help him.”

The smoke was rising above them in thick clouds. The radio was going crazy with people who were seeing the smoke.

“What was that?”

“Was that the bridge?”

One of the people with you got on the radio. “Rick!” he called breathlessly “He blew it to stop the herd!”

Everyone around you was in shock and crying horribly. These people had followed Rick, and now they seemed lost. You were in no way a leader but-

“We can look downstream.” You spoke up. Pale and contorted faces looked back at you. “If he fell in the water he’ll be downstream… If he got hit by the blow back he’ll be on the road bu-”

“You heard her.” A man with long hair in a bun and a beard. His face was red but he was already tired of crying “Downstream.”

“I gotta-” Michon spoke, shaking as she got back to her feet. The man beckoned her. In the next moment a small group had run past to look downstream.

“I gotta go to Sanctuary” You announced to those left. Carol nodded, tears streaming down her face. “They gotta know what happened here.”

“Go,” she croaked out, “and bring them back to kingdom.” Beatrice immediately got angry at the notion but before she could speak Carol silenced her. “Without that bridge they’ll starve. Rick didn’t fight for that.” Carol looked back at you. “Go.”

~Tag List~

@felicisimor​ @bodeckersbitch​ @lauren-novak​ @aestthete

#AJ's Negan's Daughter AU #daughter reader #daughter x negan #daughter reader x negan #daryl dixon #negan x daughter reader #twd daryl #daryl dixon imagine #daryl dixon x reader #the walking dead daryl #daryl imagines #daryl dixion imagine #twd rick #twd fanfiction #twd tv #twd #The Walking Dead #The Walking Dead Rick #the walking dead fanfic #the walking dead fanfiction

[steve0discusses]

The Full Metal Alchemist Live Action Movie Part 8: Watch This Episode Covered in Butts be the Only One Not Flagged by Tumblr

Gonna be risky business and not only upload all of these caps the way I screenshot them--which has just SO MANY poorly CGI’d butts but also gonna do it on the Tumblr Drafts folder, which I have been assured works now.

I’m so worried about so many things, but considering all the fears I have about like...everything else in the world right now...I guess I’ll take a risk on tumblr.

Edit: I cannot believe that I had 8ish episodes of Kaiba’s tall dueling tower get flagged but not this movie. I just....wow I cannot.

So anyway, last we left off, General Hakuro stepped in and was like “Hi guys, you like my wily plans that no one in their right mind would have ever guessed???”

Yo remember this part of the anime? Where the bodies drop from the ceiling and it’s a hunk out of the final arc--it’s here. In this movie. This movie that can’t possibly afford to do that. Lets get some CGI animated bodies in here ASAP.

(see some texture regrets under the cut)

It’s like a Monet, as the Mean Girls say, because far away and shrinked to 500 pixels this looks kinda neat. They sort of look more like those slime ball that grow in the back of your throat rather than human bodies, but they still look pretty gross hanging up there.

But then.....we zoom in. Remember again that this was full screen on my computer, and at one point was on a freakin movie screen. This level of 3d...was on a movie theater screen.

The mind boggles. The mind boggles!

Like as you know, I am an artist, and I’ve dabbled in...basically everything in my pursuit to make a dollar...and I have taken about 2 years of classes in 3D art with Maya and all those. I’m not thaaat great at it--I’m much more an illustrator/painter--but I feel like I have that reference point. Can I just say--the model is...fine...you can do a lot with layers of bump maps so you don’t need a truly detailed model (not like they did that, because they didn’t do that, but I can figure that maybe they had an intention to do that and forgot?)

But, there’s no connection of the wires to bodies. They just kinda float? The bodies are also all the same shiny-ness? To the point that it looks like a copy paste? (I don’t think it is, the wires are slightly different on a few of them) There’s just not much in the way of a texture map or a bump map. It just...there’s also something missing from the skin.

Skin is actually kind of rough to render, so when I did it back in the day, I followed like a checklist to make sure I had all the layers and steps to make someone look...clammy. Some things are kinda translucent, they reflect light a different way...especially white skin like this wouldn’t be just...white like putty. Dunno if you ever saw a white person, but we got so many veins...there was so much potential to make something really gross and fleshy.

Instead we got silly putty. It’s fine. I’m fine.

So General Hakuro decides to just...kill everyone right now.

This makes no sense to me.

That means that the whole thing of Lust killing Hughes was completely unrelated to General Hakuro. All Hakuro needed was Shou Tucker, who has been in prison for...I assume months since Ed shipped him off. And Shou was only released today? Just now? Just now when Hughes was shot?

So this all just happened at the same time by accident?

I mean the General sent us to the wrong lab initially, so he didn’t actually want us to be here, and now that we are here, he’s going to set off an entire army as a reaction to three people walking in and going “oops”?

So, lets get a look at our army.

Oh it was so disappointing, this reveal. Not just the eyeball that has a bounce light coming from below the top lip there (how did that even happen???) but also when it opened it’s mouth, it had a flat animation of skin breaking--it wasn’t actually rendered 3d skin, it was like a jpg wrapped around it or something (or at least that was the illusion I got. That is fine for a video game or a TV show, but this is a movie. This is shot so that it can be displayed in a size bigger than your own house.

What happened to the animation team on this one? Not saying I can do better, cuz no, I can’t, that 3d chapter in my life was a while back, but I’m just one guy. This was an entire animation studio and they just...didn’t render 3d face ripping (which is their entire job, to work in 3d) and then they kinda just turned on the stock physics dynamics and dropped em instead of animating them.

The way they fell was like fish from a bucket--the same amount of speed, too. they all ragdolled like a 3D shooter, their rigs just hanging on for dear life (and yes, you could see the deforming happen on the joints of these models.) I’m fine with having a computer program render something out with a physics engine...but there is a balance.

You do have to still go in there and finangle it back because...real life is hella stupid. Real physics? So stupid. It was hilarious how nonthreatening it was, too because they’re like...the size of shrimps in that zoom out image. The scale is just so wild!

It was like one bored guy in a sound booth and they multiplied his voice three times. Golden. Absolutely golden.

So these guys stride over, all of them with the same amount of speed (leading me to think it was probably a recorded walk cycle they all share with slight alterations between all of em) and they kinda just...pile on eachother in a weird way.

I will give them this: I was happy to see something that wasn’t physics or procedural. They mo-capped and animated that part for sure. It had the touch of an artist’s hand. It was also a very funny way for Hakuro to die because this guy was on screen for like 5 minutes, and maybe 7 minutes of this whole movie.

Youknow...I think it really says a lot about your nude 3d models if they’re not disturbingly human enough to trigger the tumblr filter, youknow?

Anyway, Envy looks on.

And then Gluttony saves the city.

Meanwhile, they decide to bust out the fire effects and Mustang becomes the most useful person in this entire movie. Like honestly this movie was poorly named, because it should have just been “Mustang saves the FullMetal Alchemist’s Entire Ass.”

The next part seems like I forgot a cap, or maybe missed something. I swear to you, I did not.

First off, Al becomes fullmetal and makes this happen without an alchemy circle. The show doesn’t really care to talk about that though, it’s just a thing he can do now, and you’d only notice it if you were writing a Tumblr post about it.

I swear to you, Winry is just inside of Al and there is no explanation.

There is no explanation for this.

She was on the couch...why is she not on the couch? What?

And then when you think they might have a moment, Ed’s like.

Damn.

For reals what the hell was that entire scene except for a way for Ed to get his arm stitched back on in like 2 minutes?

Outside, Envy and Lust are just strolling around the back-alley of this red brick building we have seen used for this entire movie.

And like...it’s so funny to me because they weren’t trying to run or hide. It makes complete sense why they got shot. This is what happens when you just...walk away when the whole military guard wants to kill you.

Now lets go see how Hawkeye is faring.

Luckily, all of the ambling bodies have decided to walk slowly through this one weird grass section between extremely long buildings.

And Hawkeye tells everyone “You have to shoot their heads off” and I want you to look at that scene and tell me how many of those bodies still have heads.

Oh, all of them. Don’t worry about it.

Kinda hard to see, but Ed shows up to give Mustang a hand, which was fully unnecessary but we’ll get to that in a bit.

This movie is such a gem.

Ed goes big brain and realizes that Envy is still burned up, and thus is about to pass on.

And whatever, I’ll take it. It’s not like the movie has told us that they are made out of 1000000 lives, for all we know, in the movie universe, they really are only 4 lives. Like half a cat. Maybe Father only killed half a cat instead of an entire city.

Yugi Muto would be so freakin proud of Envy for how often this guy gets hit square in the chest with fire balls. It’s basically every scene where Envy and Mustang share screen time.

And don’t worry, I don’t think Envy died? But they sure made it look like he did, which I’m sure everyone everywhere was really happy to see, since Envy’s death was one of the climaxes of the whole series. Like people used to make these lists of “top 10 saddest anime deaths” and how many people had Envy on there? Like everyone? People freakin love Envy and they did him so much dirty in this movie.

Again I have no explanation for Winry.

So Mustang is like, Ed, you make sure Winry doesn’t biff it in that corner, and I’ll do my actual job over here on this side. And yo, he did.

And so then that’s it, Lust is dead, and now we have a Sorcerer’s stone.

Man it looks delicious, right?

I’d eat the hell out of that.

Anyway, we only have one more update and we’re done with this movie!

I know!

I know! They only have 10-15 minutes to resolve pretty much everything, and that’s assuming that the credits don’t take up a heap of that. Hell, I might only have 3 caps next episode if that’s all credits. I honestly don’t remember.

Anyway, hope y’all take it easy this February, here is a link for people who just got here to read these FMA recaps in Chrono order.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/fma/chrono

#FMA #Fullmetal Alchemist #Fullmetal Alchemist Movie #recap #photo recap #ed elric #colonel mustang #hawkeye #al elric #Winry Rockbell #so much fire #so much almost there CG

[lana-b-bana]

Can I request 69 from the angst/fluff prompt list for Billie Dean?

You chewed on your already bitten-off nails, staring at your phone screen until you felt your eyeballs were going to drop out of their sockets. Five sent texts to Billie over the course an hour and no response. Not even a “read”. Just radio silence from the person you loved most in the world. Your thumbs hovered over the keyboard before you bit your lip, turning off your phone. Even though Billie said she loved listening to you talk, today you didn’t want to appear needy. 

You sighed, turning to the kitchen table to the meal you lovingly prepared. Pasta with Italian meatballs, paired with a lovely white wine, complete with flowers and candles—Billie’s favourites. All you wanted was a nice dinner with your girlfriend and an apology for being late. You knew that if Billie turned on her charm, she would have you melting in a second. Scratch that, what you really desired was for her to come home. 

Christ. You blinked away your tears, catching the ones that fell with your fingertips. She didn’t deserve tears. Hell, she didn’t even do anything wrong. She just … ignored five of your texts and came home later than usual. Oh yeah, on your anniversary date. 

You finished packing up the food, sniffling, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. So lost in your thoughts, you didn’t even hear Billie use her key and sneak up behind you, wrapping her arms around your waist as she nuzzled your neck. “Hey, sweetheart. I know I’m super late, but God, work was so tiring today.”

You jumped and turned around in her arms, searching for her gaze. “Babe, I get that you have work, but couldn’t you take one second to just shoot me a text to tell me to not make an effort on our anniversary?” 

“Our anniversary? Fuck, baby, I’m so sorry, I was so busy I forgot.” Billie’s shocked eyes met your equally hurt and angry look. “I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, I swear—”“Really, Billie?” You laughed humorlessly and shrugged off her hands. “You forgot? You couldn’t even pretend you remembered—that wouldn’t be as bad—and you forgot to text me? You forgot your girlfriend and our anniversary? It’s our third! We’ve been together three years, baby! Three fantastic years, and you can’t even celebrate it with me!” The tears in your eyes started to overflow, but you batted away Billie’s hands. If she touched you, you weren’t sure if you were going to burst out in tears or anger.

She attempted to hold your hand before you pushed her away. Anger it was. “I’m serious, Billie! I even made dinner for us; I bought your favourite chocolate cake from the store, and you can’t even say you remembered? What do you have to say for yourself?” You elbowed past her, the sadness on her face morphing into annoyance.

“Wait! Honey, please! I’m so, so sorry!”  Billie gripped onto your wrist, tugging you back. “What do you want me to say?”

You threw her hand to the side, your tears now streaming down your face like rivers. “I want you to walk into here three hours ago; I want you to say you love me, that I’m important to you, that I mean more than work.”

Billie’s eyes softened as her bottom lip trembled. “You do. You know you do. You know I love you more than anything.”

“Do I?” You swallowed, bitter disappointment rising up again. “I don’t think I do. Your actions haven’t shown that.”

Billie brought her hand up again before she dropped it, learning from your earlier reactions. “I was just so busy, and I know that’s not an excuse but I’m so sorry anyway. I-I never meant to hurt you.”

“Yeah, well …” You sighed, wishing for the countless time that things would’ve gone the way you planned them to. “You did. Were you even at work? What fascinated you so much?”

Billie bit her lip and glanced away. “Of course I was!”

“You’re lying to me now?” To both of your horrors, you started crying more. “God, this day is the worst.”

“Baby, please, don’t cry, please, please.” Billie rocked on her heels, itching to hold you and comfort you. “If you really want to know … I was planning a surprise for you. And I lost track of time. That’s the truth.”

“A surprise?” The irony of the situation didn’t escape you. “I had a surprise waiting for you at home …”

“I know. I just—” Now it was Billie’s turn to cry, but she still looked so beautiful. You exhaled before rushing into her arms, wiping her tears away. Billie swept you up gladly, burying her face in your neck. “I just wanted it to be perfect, and I know I fucked up, but I just concentrated on getting it right for you, I’m sorry—”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. God, I feel like an idiot now.” You laughed shakily, leaning up for a kiss. Billie obliged, pressing her lips to yours like you were her lifeline. “What’s your surprise?”

“No, I should’ve remembered our anniversary. I’m the idiot here.” Billie chuckled and pulled away only to rest her hand in her pocket. “Well, darlin’, I was waiting for a better time. I even had fireworks and dinner and flowers for you, but ah. I guess this’ll have to do.”

“Billie? Oh, fuck.”

“Yeah.” Billie swallowed as she brought out a box that looked suspiciously like a ring box. A ring box, to be exact. “Oh fuck is right.”

“Billie …”

“Shh, baby girl, let me talk, alright?”

You nodded. Was it getting harder to breathe somehow?

“Well. This is a proposal. Fuck, where did my charm go, huh, baby?” Billie chuckled as her hand that was holding the box shook. As weird as it sounded, you liked when she got all flustered and tongue-tied like this. It meant that you were doing something no other woman had done before—gotten to know Billie behind her sexy persona. “I … you’ve grown to be so important to me in the three years we’ve been together. It feels like … like I was just waiting for the universe to put you in my life so I could be truly happy. You’re the only woman for me—I know that now. Every waking moment is spent thinking about you. You distract me in all the best ways, and if you really wanted, I would give up my show for you, but I know you’ll just call me an idiot for saying that.”

You nodded again and laughed, gripping onto her hand. 

“Before you, I thought that I was happy. That I had everything I ever wanted. But I never really was happy because I didn’t have you, baby. I want you. No matter what. For forever to be my better half.” Billie’s honest eyes pierced your soul as she opened the ring box, anxiously shifting her weight. “Will you marry me? Please?”

“Yes! Of course, I will!” You watched with bated breath as Billie slipped a ring with a silver band and an emerald onto your finger. 

She raised her eyes to meet yours, a soft, genuine smile on her face. “It’s a perfect fit.”

“Yeah,” you whispered as you wrapped your arms around her neck, ��it is. Perfect, just like you.”

Billie laughed and leaned to capture one, two, three kisses from you, pressing you against the counter. She pulled away, and when you saw the familiar wicked, dark look in her eyes you knew what she wanted. She lifted you up on the counter easily, smirking. “Now let’s see what I can do about dinner ...”

Tag List: @deliasbabygirl

#billie dean howard x reader #billie dean howard #billie dean x reader #billie dean #murder house #ahs murder house #ahs #ahs fic #american horror story #sarah paulson x reader #sarah paulson #prompts #american horror story fic #ryan murphy

[roberthanleytortora-blog]

This guy needs a new American dream

The guy was mid Sinatra song

Singing like some real-life crooner

As the room full of musicians

Obliged him

This one glory

Which I didn’t bother listening to

Instead taking a seat on the couch

After singing

Which is when he sat beside me

On the filthy smoke stinking

Practice space

Couch

He did lots of cocaine

Blow was all in his brain

Not a single look at him

The entire night didn’t see him

Slicing up piles of white powder

But don’t get the wrong idea

his lines were small

Not only that

He didn’t even shoot it

Matter of fact

There wasn’t a needle in sight

What a waste

so it’s not really like doing drugs even

His high wasn’t worth much

In Jesus feels

Warmth

And sunflower blooming

sure

he was high,

but w

ho here wasn’t?

These guys were always handing 100 bills over

For cheap blow

All cut with filler

You want good coke

Get it from the real drug addicts

Their guys would be out of business if the junkies street supplies

Weren’t always the real thing

Guys like me who know their drugs

Know who has the hardest hard drugs

Actually

I run with smart girls

Pretty girls

Break your heart types who fly by the seat of their pants

Paint perfection

Star flower Lillie’s by the bouquet

Make me dream again

Kill me omg

Running with wicked women who create whole worlds around their souls

Sneak me into bathrooms

Stick needles full of cocaine, meth amphetimine, heroin, fentenyl, death dreams come true in this morning haha omg omg

Hey man you guys should have seen how the rain fell

Dead best friends

Dead lovers

Dead sacred presences who held every secret

Dead lips long to learn again lips kissing passion sharing living in this reality

Spaces of me given over for keeping, heart beat, sacred holy human electricity, magnetic fields which surround outside the end of body

Fields of us shaping our shapes and us our molecules all bound into frequency DNA schuman resonance

Everyone with whom I became one

Bawling on bathroom floors beneath sinks sinking into arms like Jon’s who just hold me love me hold me and will hold me forever hold on for hours as blood orange suns rise and

Tell me over and over

They are with me

They are here with me

They will love me

That they won’t ever not love me

That we have been through everything together

That kissing me in high school

Eating LSD

Phish festivals

Huge homemade bongs

How I first taught him how to write songs

That he knew every song I ever wrote

They’d be remembered forever

Because he knew

I forgot

Everything

All the time

And even Blue who said

“What happened to you man? You used to be so smart, Jon and I were always so impressed trying to chase down your latest accomplishments and catch up. I’m not trying to be a dick. I just want to know what the he’ll happened to you”

But Jon held me every night

Vodka Drunk and demolished by all day boozing everyday

10am to sundown to sunup

So much I’ll never say

But Jon is gone

Alyssa, gone

Caity Perretti

Hannah Serbun my heart hurts so much

Photos of her so dirty that every hour of our days of our years of our life together

Of our friendship

And of her as wife

Wicked games of womanhood who are worlds of wanting whatever will ease this agony, inside claws crossing through organs guts puss mess goo and excrement air of alone and in a room suffocating on everything oxygen and breathing, seeing, thoughts at all, every turn

TERROR

osh told me

‘this guy likes to talk a lot. A lot”

Sure

That was packed fact

as it turned out

But maybe that’s why

when he saw me

hunched over

the blank notebook page

scrawling

words

for hours

he asked

hey

what are you youwriting a novel

Not a novel

A poem

it’s this idea that

every poem

is written in

public

like on the subway or

while I’m walking through Cambridge or

pulled over on the side of the road or

in a room full of friends

who become strangers

as the ink

becomes more flash

then my body

and the page is

more eyeballs

then my eyes

“I’d love to read some of it”

Thanks the interest

this poem is terrible

There’s an old one here

My friend told me I don’t understand holy

No one understands holy holy holy holy

Can look at this now

How look at this now

how can you say that man

this guy needs a new take on old the old American dream

Cigarette machines gas stations diesel fuel Highway 69 thumbs up hitchhiking roaming from highway to highway across America eating apple pie diners more gas stations restrooms and gas stations big rig trucks with 18,000 wheels growing through the symphony of pavement High on meth and feta means so that sleep doesn’t come tonight but the bigger paycheck does cops and blue uniforms the ones that talk to neighbors and no the town maybe somewhere in Iowa like that place Hansberry lives the kind of town you take your New York Matt wife to and raise a family 34 dogs all with cancer and missing legs that live forever are like 900 years in people age who never read the Bible or pick it up until they’re in a church and it won’t offend anyone no one can get the wrong idea about them God liberals good liberals hate Trump are convinced that his election will end the world you know the type working a lifetime in office rooms and building up towards windows to look out while becoming a skeleton and sure as shit about American values and that half America doesn’t have them or or stupid The sort of folks who find everyone but themselves dumb or stupid just because just because.

This guy needs a new tag on the American dream something without all the apple pie dad coming home to cook dinner obedient mom who pops benzo’s and never fucks anyone Who lives in a different neighborhood or doesn’t know their lawn or has an old car or drives a truck with make America great again stickers and a friendly smile when greeting strangers who work behind counters or have shitty jobs or are perceived to be judged like they themselves feel judged by the America with real values who judge everybody who decide no one can have a good intention if they watch Fox News or have good things to say about the party of Trump or if they are conspiracy theory rest and say things like Alex Jones shouldn’t be allowed allowed to be censored because generations of our ancestors died laid down their lives for the right to have freedom of speech people who say things like I don’t care if you say vaccines don’t harm anyone everything affects everyone including injecting mercury various poisons cocktails of chemicals created by pharmaceutical companies like Purdue Pharma who told all the doctors to start prescribing Oxsee cotton nonaddictive Oxsee cotton because it’s not addictive no one gets addicted to it just like every facts and nation vaccination is totally homeless homeless harm this

Before I even started it man I was like this guy needs a new take on the American dream that was even before the poem started talking about the American dream and I got it the dead American dream night we were sold the world different than the world we live in but you need a new take on it a better take

Why don’t you write a poem and include hope in it

This American dream has no hope.

You need to have hope in an American dream if you’re going to have one otherwise what’s the point right

to which I thought in response

my question exactly

[supersaiyansadie]

Faultlines Excerpt 1

Context: Laura comes home from school and logs onto Faultlines. As she messes around the map, she starts to notice something... unusual.

The excerpt:

          Chowing down, I went back to my room and booted up my seven-year-old laptop. While it grinded and purred, I leaned back in my chair and looked over all the travel brochures I’d tacked up over my desk. Australia and Paris and Nice and the Amazon. Egypt. Rome. London. They were all out there waiting for me. One day, I’d… I’d… I sighed. One day, I’d be sitting right where I was, looking at pictures and dreaming of going.

           I popped the last of the sandwich in my mouth as the computer finally booted. I started up Faultlines, which prompted another waiting game. I fished my Cal homework out my bag and got to work. I was done before the game loaded. Good thing, too, cause no sooner had I logged on before:

           Dotz4Dayz whispered: Don’t you have homework?

           You whispered: Finished already. Simple stuff.

           Dotz4Dayz whispered: Number 17 was simple? What’d you get?

           I checked my sheet.

           You whispered: 2x+3

           I mounted my dragon and flew off heading to the World Pillar. (BTW, I don’t have to specify that this was in game, yeah? That’s obvious, right?) The World Pillar was an endgame raid from the original game, back when the level cap was still 60. Due to the level cap being raised to 70, and then 80, it was easily soloable. It dropped cool mounts, and a legendary weapon, which made it worth doing all these years later.

           Dotz4Days whispered: Fair enough

           Oh, right, I almost forgot. But… you might have figured it out already… Dotz4Dayz was none other than: (drumroll please) MR. GREGORY REYNOLDS!!!! Shocking, yeah?

           We’d been in the guild since I started playing. I was precocious at the time, and had… accidentally given too much information online. Mr. Reynolds pulled me into his office one day and chewed me out over it. Neither of us had known we was playing, much less that we was in the same guild. Guess my big mouth really ain’t good for nothing.

           You whispered: What u doin on so early? Raid ain’t for 3 hours.

           Dotz4Days whispered: Gonna run some old raids. Maybe start an alt.

           You whispered: You getting tired of Dotz?

           Dotz4Days whispered: Not tired so much as there isn’t much to do outside of raiding nights.

           Dotz4Days whispered: Might go with a cleric.

           I started descending as the raid appeared on the horizon. As the zone loaded in front of me, I saw the marble spire materialize. The once pristine, white as a dove tower was covered in navy blue, gooey, pulsing tendrils – wrapping and slithering round the tower, covering the white bit by bit. Shooting off around the base in every direction was streaks of tainted landscapes, corrupted trees, and trenches as wide and deep as the Pillar itself – as if it’d been slammed down into the ground multiple times.

           As I neared the raid, my brow creasing more and more with each passing second, a faint, long laugh creeped from my speakers.

           You whispered: You see the World Pillar today?

           Dotz4Days whispered: No, why?

           The laughter grew louder the nearer I moved to the tower. The swarms of NPC (non player character) soldiers that’d laid siege to the pillar since at least as long as I was playing had been run through, leaving a field of dismembered and vivisected corpses lying in pools of blood. The strangest thing, though, was with all this detail and particle effects, my computer should have been sending lag spikes from hell.

           I landed at the base of the Pillar, and shot a message back to Dotz.

           You whispered: You needto come see this

           The laughter had grown to fill my room, loud and unending. I lowered my speaker volume, but the laugh remained unchanged.

           You whispered: Was this in the patch notes?

           But, I never got an answer. Cause I went exploring. Cause I’m intelligent. I walked into the raid.

           The cold, high laughter blasted from my speakers so loud I had to cover my ears or risk going deaf. I half feared I’d go deaf regardless. My screen was covered by the image of a giant eyeball – bloodshot and yet devoid of life entirely. The iris was emerald green. No… sky blue? And now red and purple and...

           As the eye flickered from one color to the next, it started moving, resting on different places, almost like it was examining my room. The eyeball rested on… it seemed to rest on, at least, the form I’d picked up the week before for the school’s Europe trip. I never expected to go, but I wanted to. I wanted to so much it hurt.

           “Excellent.” A suave voice that could have been either guy or girl spoke in a voice that was barely audible over the piercing laughter.

           “W-w-w-w-what the h-hell?” I managed.

           The eye snapped to my face. The laugh started creeping higher and higher in pitch until it was practically a dog whistle.

           I guess it kept getting higher, cause, after a moment, it went away entirely. The eye on my screen morphed into a blue and purple vortex as my vision started fading.

           “You’ll make a fun toy.” The voice said, just before I blacked out.

Tagging a few people who might wanna read it: @editedandwrittenbyhannah, @thepotatowearsprada, @endlesshourglass, @wallpatterns

#Faultlines excerpt #faultlines #excerpt #my writing #ocs #laura #greg #liam #writeblr

[shamelesslybrock]

“Will You be my Girlfriend”

You were sitting in Colby’s room getting ready for a party that he has been hyping up for the past week. You wanted to look good so you started getting ready early. You were doing your hair when your boyfriend walked in and sat on the bed.

“Damn, you look so good right now” He says abruptly looking down at you sitting on the floor eventually sitting next to you.

“Can you get the back of my hair? It’s hard to do..” 

“Sure thing baby.”

Colby finishes the back of your hair and kisses you on the cheek as he stands up and looks down at you. 

“Are you wearing that to the party?” he asks eyeballing you up and down.

“No. Colby, I’m not even wearing pants...”

“You never know! Girls wear some crazy things but thank goodness cause I wasn’t ready to be swatting guys off you like flies tonight.” He says as you stand up and he slaps your butt.

You get dress and put on a little make up and walk out the bathroom, walking into the room where Colby is getting dressed. You walk to the closet and pick out an outfit that you think he would look good in for the occasion.

“Hey, try this on!” You say throwing it at him not even looking at him.

“This looks like it would be kinda cool. Thanks babe” He says while sliding on a pair of black skinny jeans and his black an white stripped shirt under a black denim jacket.

You take a good look at him and realize how lucky you are. You throw on a light jacket and head downstairs to see the rest of the roommates who were all ready to go and waiting in the area at the bottom of the steps. Everyone went into their own cars and everyone has a designated driver. Since you didn’t drink much anyway, you had no problem letting Colby have his fun with his friends.

You pull up to the party and introduce yourself to as many people as you can having Colby tag along. You met up with Elton and was catching up since you haven’t seen him since he moved out. Colby tapped your arm and motioned to the drink table, you nod your head in response and continue your conversation. Colby doesn’t return so you go looking for him. It has been almost an hour and you haven’t seen or even heard him since he left for the drink table. You skim through the crowd and spot him outback in a wobbly, tipsy mess. You walk over to him and tap him on the shoulder and he turns around while spilling some of his drink.

“Oh my goodness...you are the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. I’m Colby!’ He says taking your hand and kissing it.

It was pretty obvious that Colby was beyond drunk and you were getting bored so you decided to play along.

“Thank you Colby, I’m Y/N. How are you?” You say trying not to laugh.

“You are so beautiful. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Thank you handsome. I don’t have a boyfriend. I actually came here alone.”

“Whaaaaat? No way, well you aren’t leaving alone tonight.” He said raising an eyebrow and wrapping an arm around you.

“Oh, who am I going home with tonight?” 

“That would be me. I need to cuddle your ass and I can’t find my car so..can you drive me home?” he asked flashing you those big blue eyes.

“Yeah, wanna say bye to anyone?” You ask.

“BYE EVERYONE” he screams while looking back at you

“Now lets get out of here beautiful”

It was so hard not to laugh as he kept showering you in compliments the whole ride home. He was so sweet. They always said a drunk man tells no lies. You felt like you guys were meeting for the very first time again, only he was completely drunk and you didn’t know what to say back to him.

You got back to the house and you helped him to his room. You turned around to walk out the door when you feel a hand grab yours and pull you back.

“Can you stay? I don’t want you to leave, I’m all alone and all my roommates are gone.” He says sticking out his bottom lip.

“I’m going to get you some bread and water to hopefully sober you up a little bit.

“Bread is in my cabinet. It’s the one all the way left of the fridge. Thank you.”

You get him his bread and water and grab yourself a water as well. You walk upstairs and he is laying in the bed in sweatpants and a shirt instead of the outfit he wore to the party.

“Whoa, you changed without falling? I’m proud of you.” You say letting out a little giggle and handing him his water.

“Beautiful and caring. I bet you would make a perfect mom.”

“Slow down stallion, I just met you.” You say laughing but melting on the inside at the thought of you guys having a family someday.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I got you some sweatpants too, I thought you might have wanted to change out of your skinny jeans. I got you one of my shirts too. My bathroom is across the hall.” He says pointing out the door.

You walk out and get changed in the bathroom. Before you walk out the room, you wipe off your make up and throw your hair in a messy bun. You walk back into the room and he was eating the bread you brought him up like a toddler.

“You look so damn fine...” he says biting his lip.

You lay in the bed next to him and pull the blanket over you.

“Are you staying here with me?” He asked.

“I can leave. Do you want me to stay here?”

“well beautiful, I don’t have a problem with you staying here all night but, you can leave if you want. I’m not gonna make you.”

You think for a little before shooting a text to the roommates explaining everything so they don’t ruin your good night.

“I’ll stay here but no funny business, okay Colby?” 

“Okay, I can’t promise you that I won’t cuddle you after I fall asleep. I’m a cuddler!”

“That is perfectly okay with me.”

You spend your night talking about everything under the stars learning all the little things you forgot about him. From his shoe size to what he would be doing if he wasn’t into social media. You guys were about to fall asleep and were both laying in silence before suddenly his deep voice breaks it.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“Ask me in the morning and you will get your answer.

You guys ended up falling asleep before the roommates even came home. After a full night sleep and a lot of cuddling later, you woke up before him to the sun peaking through the window. You take a picture of him in all his beauty to remember the night you met your boyfriend all over again. The night was one of the best. If you ever needed to confirm that Colby was your person, last night was that confirmation. You loved him and nothing was gonna change that, not even his drunken, messy ass. Moments later Colby wakes up.

“Good morning baby, how did you sleep?”

“Perfectly. How was last night?”

“I don’t even remember.” he says breaking a nervous sweat as flashbacks from last night come to him.

“Oh, you don’t? That is such a same.”

You can tell he was nervous so you cut him some slack.

“You don’t have a question for me?”

“Oh thank goodness..” He says ‘wiping’ sweat off his forehead.

“In that case, I do have a question...”

“Ask away Colby...”

He gets out of bed and walks over to grab the ring on you had last night and kneels in front of you

“Will you be my girlfriend..........again”

“Oh my gosh, this is such a surprise! I never thought this would happen” You say causing both of you to laugh.

“Well, don’t leave me hanging..”

“Of course I will babe!”

He slides the ring on your finger and kisses you, falling back onto the bed.

“How about we go get some breakfast?”

“Ahhh, a second first date. I like the way you think Brock.”

You go to your favorite breakfast spot and enjoy your second first date, filling Colby in on everything that happened last night. You both share laughs as you fall in love with your boyfriend all over again.

Request more, I wanna write some more! I’m running out of ideas!

#colby brock imagine #colby brock

[ladye11e]

Deception pt 29

The conflict between the Assassins and the Templars is getting out of hand. Lies, deceit and subterfuge, now you must pick a side...

Tagging @geekgoddess813 @sweet-flash @ermergerd517 @i-wontgivein @imakemyownblog 💕

If anyone else would like a tag, shoot me a dm 😁

Link to the full fic so far is Here.

Your eyes fluttered open and you wiped the sheen of sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand as you sat up steadily, taking several deep breaths to slow the pounding in your chest, as it was beating as if you had just run a marathon.

Glancing around as you tried to push the disturbing images of Achilles' face when he realised you were a traitor out of your mind, you only just noticed that you were alone in the bed. Shuffling out to peek through the curtains and seeing it was still dark outside, you grabbed the dressing gown off the back of the door and plodded out in search of Shay. You spotted him quickly with his back to you at the dining table; engrossed in typing something, so you leant over and kissed him on the cheek, before sitting on the edge of the table next to where he was working.

"There you are. Feeling better?"

"Mmm, much. What are you still doing up?!"

"Still? It's ten o'clock." He stated, weaving his arms around your waist and pulling you into his lap.

"Ten? Two whole hours sleep, great."

"No lass, ten on Monday. You've been passed out for over a day."

Your eyes widened as you grabbed his laptop and turned it to you, double checking what he had said as you had never slept for that long in your life. Looking around furiously when it finally sunk in, you went to jump up as your gaze finally landed on your bag, but Shays tightening grip around your middle prevented you from doing so. Cocking your head when he reached around his computer and fumbled about, you took your phone off him slowly when he handed it to you, extremely confused as to why a horde of assassins wasn't banging down the door right now.

"Guessing you're lookin' for this? Gist came over this morning and hacked into the chip, it's turned off now an ya don't need to put in that code. Should be glad I didn't throw it out the window, it's been going off non-stop."

Quickly unlocking it with your thumbprint, you dismissed the seven calls and flicked through the eighteen messages that were on there, grimacing when they were all from Jacob complaining about how Connor was being mean to him, making him exercise and eat green tree things with his dinner, and you needed to get him the hell out of there. You breathed a sigh of relief when you listened to the only voicemail you had, of Altäir sending a mass call to everyone saying that due to the circumstances everyone was allowed two days off to grieve and, were expected back in on Wednesday.

"Hmm, sorry about that. Most of it wasn't even important."

"I was only joking." He chuckled, pulling you down to kiss you gently. "Oh, I forgot to thank you yesterday, for gettin' the boss to give the room back. What did you do to get him to change his mind?"

Flicking through your phone one more time to use it as a distraction while you came up with a good excuse, you tossed it on the table and draped your arms over his shoulders, hoping you had come up with something believable, but would also give you a chance to pry slightly. You didn't want to lie, you even hated yourself for it, but it was better than the alternative.

"Nothing much, just made him realise he was being a complete idiot. Although..."

"Although..??"

Trailing off and furrowing your brow, you scratched your cheek as you contemplated how to word it, without dropping yourself into a spiralling fib.

"I don't know really. I've got the feeling he's hiding something, to use against me if I pissed him off again... I'm not sure though."

"He threatened you?!"

You winced when his arms tightened around you, gritting his teeth and tensing up as if he wanted to run over there and burn the whole building down to the ground.

"Calm down. Not as such, but he heavily suggested that there would be consequences if I made him look like a fool again?"

"I knew it..." He grumbled under his breath, shifting you slightly to the left on his lap so he could pull his computer back in front of him.

"Know what?!"

"Right, promise me you won't get mad."

You looked at him pointedly, as if to say 'well, duh' as he clicked on something several times, which brought up numerous schematics of Templar headquarters, and a particular one of which you slightly recognised as Haythams work office.

"You know what I mean. Remember that pin you wore for our first mission? Well, I had a gut feelin' that I wasn't the only one watching. Then he confirmed my suspicions when he asked me about that drawing you did, before I'd even mentioned it."

Rolling your tongue in your cheek as you could see where this was going, you zoned out; now thinking that more than just Haythams eyeballs would look good on a stick, snapping out of your revengeful plotting and sighing when you realised Shay was still talking.

"When I confronted him about it, he said that the feed went to his computer too so he could have a look for anything that could help us, but it was deleted. I'm sure he recorded it though, cos he keeps bringin' up little details that no one would have noticed unless they watched it more than once. I didn't know, I swear to ya."

"Son of a bitch... Details such as?"

The corner of your mouth curled up when he shuffled about and lowered his gaze to your lap, his cheeks taking on a pinkish hue when you booped his nose playfully, making you wonder why he kept getting flustered so quickly recently.

"Aww, you're cute when you're embarrassed. Okay, you don't have to say. But why didn't you tell me about it before now??"

"Cute?! Thanks, I think?" He mumbled, which made your eyes roll and a chuckle erupt. "Didn't say anything because I've got no proof. It's what I've been workin' on the past few days."

Now paying more attention to the screen when he pointed at it, you saw that it wasn't only the floorplans were there, but all of the internal ducting, emergency exits and lifts were highlighted too.

"If he has got anything, it'll be on his work computer, not his personal one upstairs because he was in the middle of that bloody merger thing when all that was happening, and he never left the place. You up for another bit of larceny together lass?"

You grinned wickedly and pulled him to you by the collar of his shirt, kissing him firmly before shuffling around on his knee, so your back was up against his chest.

"Stupid question... So, what's the plan?"

Spending all of the evening formulating a way in and out of Haythams office, you had finally come up with a strategy, and were now stood across the street from Templar headquarters at eight fifteen in the morning. Checking your reflection once more in your compact mirror, you were satisfied enough that even your own mother wouldn't be able to recognise you. You had reached out to one of your contacts Mary Read; who was an expert in disguises, and after being under her skilled hands for several hours, you were now adorning a full latex mask and a somewhat itchy wig, drastically changing your appearance. Knowing that she would have no idea who Shay was, you took him with you (even though he was rather surly about having to wear 'makeup') but as it had taken longer to get him done than yourself and had to leave to finalise a few details, you didn't have a clue what he looked like right now.

Fiddling with your choker that concealed a voice synthesiser as it felt like you were being strangled, you didn't notice that someone was stood behind you until you felt a hand cup your ass. Spinning around quickly and getting ready to punch whoever it was, you suddenly dropped your arm when you looked into the stranger's eyes, recognising them instantly.

"You're late." You scoffed, frowning at the higher pitched voice that came out of your mouth. "Blonde is definitely not your colour either."

Taking a step back to get a better look at Shay, your nose crinkled when you saw he was, well, boring. No distinguishing features at all. His scar had been concealed, and his hair was now sandy ash colour and swept to one side. Most would still find him attractive, but this didn't do anything for you in the slightest. But it wasn't like looks mattered at this moment in time, only that he couldn't be recognised, and Mary had done a fantastic job. On the upside, he was wearing a black suit and tie so that he could take the place of one of the security guards on the upper levels.

"I'll keep that in mind next time I go to the salon love." He joked. "Sorry about the time, Gist took a bit longer than he thought to get these Id's sorted. Here ya go."

Staring at the badge for a moment when he handed it to you, your eyes narrowed as you read the name on it three times, rolling all the despicable things you could do to Christopher when you saw him next around in your head.

"Kandi?! I sound like a freaking stripper! I'm gonna kill him..."

Clipping it to your blouse and slapping his arm when he burst out laughing, you stomped over the road when you saw that the staff were starting to arrive at work, stopping just outside while you waited for Shay to catch up; who was still sniggering at you.

"Oh shut up, Gus. Well, here we go."

Holding your breath as you swiped your card to get through the turnstiles and enter the building, you resisted the urge to smirk when you got through security without any problem and, headed over to the elevators. You were pushed to the back when nearly a dozen other people flooded in, giving you the perfect opportunity to look over the shoulder of the girl in front of you; whose place you would be taking, and sneak a peek at her mobile while she was texting. Taking a phone that Shay slyly handed to you and holding it down by your side, you clicked the screen when you saw that it had paired with her cell, allowing you to clone it.

Flicking through the contacts list quickly, you eventually came across the one you were looking for; stomach-churningly named 'xXhunnibunniXx', and sent a beautifully doctored picture of her kissing a man inside her car. Switching the phone off and slipping it into your bag, you only had to wait several seconds before hers started ringing, pursing your lips when as soon as she answered it, she started becoming hysterical.

"What?! What are you talking about?? I haven't cheated! Sweetie, please... Wait... Listen to me!"

You managed to keep a straight face as she banged on every button on the lift in trying to get out, barging through the doors and pretty much screaming down the phone when they finally opened. Sliding her work card that you had managed to snatch off of her bag into your pocket, all you had to do now, was wait until you got to the top floor.

By the thirty second, there was only four of you left in here, and you were becoming impatient at how long this was taking, huffing when the elevator stopped again at the next level. And as your luck would have it, just as the last two people got off the next person to get on was none other than Haytham, whose eyes immediately widened as he saw you, standing a little too close for comfort directly to your right. Crap crap crappity crap crap! You thought as he kept glancing at you out of the corner of his eye, and you could literally hear Shay gritting his teeth.

"Are you new? I do not believe we have met. Haytham Kenway."

Not daring to meet his eye just in case, you took his hand when he extended it, managing to muster up a small smile when he squeezed your fingers briefly.

"Kandi. I'm just here to help out, one of your assistants called in with a family emergency? So I've been told."

"I see. Well, I do hope you enjoy working for me. Perhaps we could see, more of each other? Over drinks shall we say?"

Your brow furrowed as you wondered what he was getting at when he leered at you, until you followed his gaze downwards and saw that one of your hold ups had slipped, so the lacy top was now just below the hem of your skirt.

"Oh! Silly me. These damned things just won't stay up! Honey, would you mind?"

Spinning around to face Shay, you hoisted your skirt up and propped your heel up on the waist-high rail next to him, grinning when he slowly ran his hands up your calf and thigh, sliding your stocking into its proper place.

"This is my husband, Gus. He's much better at taking them off of course, but that will have to wait until later. So I'll have to pass on your offer. Thank you anyway."

Shay could barely contain his smirk as you kissed him on the cheek and tugged your skirt back down, wiping your lipstick away with your thumb as Haytham gave him a somewhat surly, but polite nod. You bit back the urge to laugh as he couldn't get out of the elevator fast enough when it finally opened on the second to last floor, leaving you and Shay alone for a moment to sort yourselves out when the doors went to close again; pushing the stop button, so the lift didn't go anywhere.

"Well, that's was, interesting, what made ya say that? You probably shouldn't have done it though, that's not gonna make things any easier for us."

"I know, but I couldn't resist, it was just the first thing that popped in my head. Besides, since when do we ever get to do something as easy as this? Least we can be ourselves, apart from our faces. Suppose that was one way of testing the disguises." You giggled, handing back the phone out of your bag and, taking an earbud and a small, pencil-sized device off of him.

Quickly double checking that all remnants of your makeup were off his face, you exited the lift, Shay going to the right and taking his position at the security desk, with yourself going to left, joining the other two assistants outside Kenways office.

"Who are you?!" The redhead sat at the main desk several feet away from you asked rather abruptly without even looking up, her long nails that were clacking on her keyboard making you wince.

"Kandi. Last minute temp. Why are there three of us for one person?"

"Give it five minutes, and you'll know. You better be good." She huffed.

It didn't even take that long before Charles stomped out of Haythams office with a tower of files in his arms, splitting it in two and dumping a pile on yours, and the rest on the other smaller desk with an evil grin.

"You know the drill. Make sure the new one keeps up."

"Yes, Mr Lee." The redhead chanted miserably, not bothering to glance up from her computer.

Grabbing the topmost file and flipping it open, you groaned as you recognised its contents, which was page after page of minutes from meetings that all needed typing up, in Lee's almost illegible handwriting.

This was going to be a looooong day.

#assassin's creed #assassinscreed #modern au #fanfic #reader insert #shay cormac #haytham kenway #shay cormac x reader #sfw

[muldertxf]

Descension, Part 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Summary: Takes place towards the beginning of season 2. Confusion and memory blanks plague Scully one Monday morning. Things don’t seem to line up. Why’s everything seem so annoyingly bright?

Genre: Angst/Drama/Mystery…..idk

Rating: PG

Note: Unreality trigger warning for this one, I think

           Scully had only known him for two years. But in this short stretch, she had come to know a man of great mental strength and always with a special vigor for things of the supernatural. This Mulder appeared too melancholy. Too accepting. He constantly drawled his words on, like the white strip of paint that danced on the roadside outside the rental car window. His interest came in brief tufts of gray like nimbostratus that lingered over a fatigued horizon line. There were fleeting moments where Scully could discern the Mulder she believed she knew from this one, of course.

Sometimes, his clouds would part to show spots of red and purple--the colors of rage and mystique. He was hiding something. This Mulder was. This made the drive to the airport about as pleasant as a game of Jenga played blindfolded, which was something Scully now attempted to ponder, as she stared out the window, across winding streets and buildings she’d somehow never seen before in D.C. Jenga was a game her family enjoyed playing way back when. Her older brother Bill would always mysteriously come down with a terrible bout of allergies just when her and Melissa’s tower began to wobble on its last blocks.

Mulder cracked the mirror to face towards himself more. Stubble flecked his cheeks in small patches, and he rubbed his chin tenderly. The car slowed for a red light. Purplish rings hung beneath his eyes like those of an an old tree, which is something he didn’t notice, but Scully did. A callous driver honked behind them.

 Scully lifted her head from her arm, turning to face him. “We almost there? I’m starting to feel pretty claustrophobic.”

 “Yeah, actually, this is it...” Mulder monotoned, lifting his gaze from the road to her. He gawked for a second too long at her, his eyes falling below her chin. His partner sported a bare neck, her infamous golden cross seemingly absent. His throat clenched, and he focused back on the road.

 Finally, they pulled into the congested parking lot, parked the rental, and were ready to go with their luggage.

 Scully was halted by a firm hold on her shoulder. She jumped, swerving around to see her tall captor. “What, Mulder?”

 “You forgot your coat,” Mulder said, brandishing a certain mint-pink-purple overcoat in front of her. His brows rose. “You gonna take it? It can get chilly where we’re going.”

 “This is what I wore when we investigated those deadly bugs about a year ago…” Scully shivered at the nightmare. “But I burned it. I burned it.”

 Mulder gauged the plausibility of this statement with a hefty shake of the tacky coat. The material in it produced a scraping sound. Not burned. With the thing heavily draping from his fingers, he simply shoved it into her arms. “Come on, we’re going to be late to our flight.”

 Scully skittered across the tar like a tossed pebble to keep pace with him, at first struggling, but then making peace with her heels. She nearly beat him to the door, but then he threw it open for her. She refused to don the cursed coat, too paranoid to ignore the prospect of lingering bugs in coat pockets. Their glow may be out, but they could still be there.

 The yellow tag she had penned “DKS” on in Sharpie popped from the neck of the coat as they made their way to the gate. She shoved it back in.

 Impossible, she thought.

 A taller, older man stopped her from going in. The man would have to go through her bags. He didn’t explain why.

 A sudden ferocity overtook Mulder, and Scully’s face went pink. They practically had to force him back into line. As he was quickly ushered into the plane with the rest of the passengers, she fought the urge to plug her ears. This was too much.

 “Why her? Why her and not me? Answer me!”

 He was cut off by a guard, and a sharp slap bouncing off linoleum told her how.

 Her coat was riffled through. No bugs.

  Fresh cotton overtook the blue that they sailed in, the pleasant voice of the pilot taking them higher and higher away from reality. A busty, brunette air stewardess offered them drinks, both agents politely declined. The lanky woman stumbled a bit on her clearly too tall heels as she marched towards the curtains at the end of the seats. Scully bit back a sly grin, knowing she was superior in that department. But it wasn’t fair. Not everyone broke in their new shoes by chasing cryptids down misty alleys. The stewardess corrected herself quickly, likely sensing eyes on her, and went into a catwalk stride again. She disappeared behind the curtains; a magician finished with their act. The audience wasn’t very receptive, though.

 Mulder’s eyes on the flight were completely, and unforgivably, a deep brown. Scully noticed this, and nudged him to get a better look. His head turned fully to her now, and she took in the earthy color his irises had become muddled with. Mulder then cocked his head slightly, raising an eyebrow. “What?”

 Scully’s ears rang. Her hand was over her gun.

 “Fox, tell me something.”

 The man sucked in his lips, biting both of them. The chessboard was turned to her now.

 Scully flew up from her seat. The lights in the plane increased dramatically. She blinked away tears from her eyes’ straining. Her heels’ stomps were muffled by thin carpet as trudged cautiously and rigidly into the aisle.

 Mulder stared straight into the barrel.

 “Scully! What are you doing?” He shrieked, raising his arms instinctively. The green had filtered back into his eyes. She began to wonder if she had imagined it this whole time.

 No, she comforted herself. This is not him. This is not...him!

 The dreaded dizziness started to seep into her bones again, but she quickly discarded it with a hasty shake of her head. It was only then, that she noticed all other passengers’ faces were out of focus, as if trapped in a bleary black and white photograph. Bokeh anxiously quarreled around the frozen people like hazes of insects. Scully’s sight slowly wound all the way back at her partner. He was normal. Everyone else was not. She was not.

 Ker-thump! The gun slipped to the floor.

 “Your gun,” Mulder pointed out, eyeballing the weapon by her feet. “Wait…”

 She looked to him tiredly, then rested her head in her left palm, leaning on the arm rest. Scully sat close beside him now.

 Mulder looked across the cabin at the scrambled faces. Fear butterflied across his features. Scully recognized it immediately. He rose cautiously, drawing his weapon.

 “So it’s not just me?” Scully asked him.

 “No...no, I see it too.” Mulder replied, trying to shoot his weapon. Empty clicking rolled out from the small barrel. He prodded it, opening the bullet compartment. A barrage of black bullets noisily thudded to his shoes and rolled under their seats. He slowly looked down at Scully.

 She blinked back at him.

 Mulder removed a loose leaf notepad from his luggage. The very same one he had written on that he had previously denied existed. He then began meticulously scrawling something in it in red pen. When finished, he held it up to Scully. “Can you read this?”

 She fidgeted uneasily. “No.”

 Mulder became more assured it seemed. Then his eyes darted around the cabin anxiously.

 “What are you looking for?”

 “A mirror! And I know the restroom here conveniently doesn’t have one.”

 Scully jumped to retrieve her suitcase from the luggage shelf above the seats. That never worked. And yet somehow, this time, it did. She stood there slightly stunned, blankly looking at the object in her grasp now. Mulder tore the thing from her hands, and clicked it open. Articles of clothing dropped into the aisle, along with blank paper. She picked it up, her own perspiration dampening the paper.

 “Mulder, this paper’s blank, I--I printed a fax that was sent to us about this case, and put it here, but not, it’s just…” She trailed off when she saw him closely scrutinizing her make-up compact. “Now is not the time to get into make-up, partner.”

 “Have you...heard of a certain theory?” He asked, plopping the compact into her hand.

 “What?”

 “Look in the mirror, Scully.”

 Nothing was there.

#txf fanfic #the x files fanfic #x files fanfic #fanfic #thexfiles #descension #writing #i forgot to post this yesterday it was in drafts oops

[class-of-its-own]

SO THIS IS WHERE I PAY TO DIE TODAY?

It is raining at Sturup Racetrack, yet the smell of burning tires lingering in the air is making me excited like a five year old kid just about to get his favourite ice cream. I grin widely to the two pretty Danish girls at the gates to Nordic Drift Series Championship and Natasha, the blond one, responses with a gracious smirk. I am at the gateway to petrolhead heaven and even the noise is sublime, divine, full of, throttled, deep BWRAH-RAH-RAH-RAAAAHs and GRRR-RRR-RRRRHs. There are several ticket options and ask Natasha, the longhaired blond which one I should purchase to get drifted on the track. “You need to pay two hundred extra for it.” "What do I get for it?” I ask, just to get pleasant conversation going on. “We take all the responsibility off from our shoulders in case you should die” says Natasha. “So I pay to die here?” “Pretty much” and her smile is even wider, both girls laughing at my stupid joke. I note to myself that I knew that the drifters were my kind of people, just to see numerous cars smashed, crashed and demolished into tiny little pieces flying around and being scattered on the track in coming hours. I conclude that the two hundred krones is very cheap price tag for my life. I have after all two annoyingly lovable kids.

Drifting is about living on the edge, because controlling (or rather not really controlling) the edge of life is where you feel like only gods do, invincible, superior, beyond the shitty routine ugly lives we all live, borrowing the effortless petrol injected fix from 700 horsepowers under you, making you a GOD for a moment. The drivers are high on the power, high on the love of the life, high on the fucking fact that it is him who is in control. It is a bullish feeling. It is nasty, unforgiving, yet eerily harmonious feeling that boring people are afraid even to think about, because the feeling takes over and makes you to do silly things like tuning an old beaten down BMW to a behemoth beast of a monster made of 1060 horsepowers (that is about 10x what normal cars have), remove all parts that weights more than hundred grams, including window swipers and then paint it in neon yellow! It is about the deep bass noise the cars do. It is not whining, tiring, bitchy, high pitch noise like F1 cars do. It is grizzly, bearded army general commanding his troops to WIN THE FUCKING BATTLE bass that the drift cars do.

Erik W. Pedersen had invited me after reading the first piece of my portrait article about him (read it here: GROWN MAN DRIFTING) to experience him in his own element and what an element it is! This race track is full of black wearing pilots, neon coloured cars and occasional blond and brunette girls. We are all fifteen years old here, including me, and I feel mightily alive from the first steps on the skid marked asphalt. Erik, the legend and umpteen time Champion, is on the track in his black American corvette (the car from the Disney movie “Cars”). The fact that he is driving a classic muscle car makes very merry, a bit Christmasy, and I expect nothing less than full adrenalin driven macho masochism. I expect him to make me cry and to think about my mother. Moreover I expect him to ride the car without mercy, because that what this is about. A glorious battle between men and their fighting bulls of cars.

The remarkable fact about Erik W. is that he should not be here driving the car. He should be chained in a wheel chair rest of his life. This is what the doctors told him after his hellish bone pulverising, mind and spirit demolishing crash many years ago. This is what the doctors told him. He will not be walking, no more car stunts, no more world championships, no more life as he knew it, not even normal life, but improbable, immovable life for a man who’s life was all about speed, controlled moves and records. But the doctors forgot who they were talking to. A legend whose strength is not his body, but his mind. And here he is in front of me. Rising from matte black car, taking his helmet off, revealing his iconic shoulder long silver hair. This is how legends look alike. It is a face full of deep, regal wrinkles, steely blue eyes, and concentrated eye contact that reveals his strength. Focus.

I put my helmet on, Erik starts the car, and I am so ready, without knowing what the hell I wanted so bad to experience. I am feeling the engine in my bones. The noise is now inside my head and I let the machine become part of me. Erik has barely spoken, now completely in his own element, not caring about me, not caring about the apocalyptic doctors, not caring about the spectators we pass, forgetting all. He is feeling the asphalt in his veins, and it makes him the titan Cronus, a greek father of god Zeus of enormous strength, power, influence. He is in charge of my life and I feel oddly safe. The first sweep is not mild. The car is free spinning and the track is not in front of me, but on my side, so instead of looking out the front window, I look out of the side window to see towards the direction where Erik commands the roaring wild beast Corvette. Erik spins the driving wheel and I see everything in slow motion and BANG! I hit my head violently to the sidebar on my right side. So I’ve been warned. The helmet and insurance is not for fun. I had forgotten to yell, but now the head banging had awaken me. YEEEEEAAA-HH! SOOO GOOOOD!!!

I look at Erik and I am sure that the exhaustion gasses had made hallucinating. I see him in complete, zen like meditation. His eyes are not blinking, his head is not wavering, unlike mine. I feel like my head is made of scrambled eggs, shaking relentlessly in a thin eggshell of a helmet. I am the little Hawaiian hula dancing figure some people have to accompany in their car, bouncing around, not knowing anymore where to look at and then another car appears on the side. We are stopped on top of a hill by a guy who looks like he is from special forces. After five seconds waiting the car makes my stomach go through my seat and Erik takes the lead effortlessly and throws the car to left blocking the other car, leaving me to look at the other driver directly into his eyeballs while we all three are driving sideways. Everything is in slowmotion and then it comes again. Swift turn to the right and BANG! I hit my head again making me to yell “SATAN!” OOHH YEAAAHHH!! Left, right, BANG again! YYEEASH! The exhaustion pipe shoots now with the big ammos: “TRHRTHRTH” and I look at Erik in awe.

Erik’s is in complete charge of his body. The only parts that moves in his body are his lower parts of the his arms. He has reincarnated as a boring accountant, looking the latest budget, trying to find the mistake in his excel ark. He is unnervingly focused, the windows being his computer screens and the gear stick his computer mouse. With one steely blink of an eye he has spotted the mistake in his contestants line, with one calculated gear change he has gained the lead, with three well timed wheel turns Erik the Accountant has made the calculus to match and leaves the competitor behind in his tire smoke. I yell, I curse “THIS IS THE SHIT” and forget to tighten my neck again and BANG, I hit my head again. Erik has pushed the curve and the car well, so well that I sink to remember to think about my mom, but my thoughts are taken over by the emotion of speed when Erik commands the car to drive straight line in full acceleration, me yelling “MY BRAIN IS BEHIND ME!!! MY BRAIN IS BEHIND ME!!! I think that this was the only moment when Erik paid any attention to my sufferings, prays or existence. He got what he wanted, me yelling and now he has a satisfied, sly smile on.

I step out of the car where my friends Søren and Rene are waiting for their turns. But my hands are shaking and it takes unnecessary long time to release all the masochistic seat belts, only to find out that my legs are shaking too. Not so much that others would notice it, but still enough to make that this was not a kids roller coaster or carrousel like Thomas, the rookie driver had mentioned to me before leaving me with Erik. This was a religious experience with tire smoke being the myrrh, V8 engine being the high priest messing about the end of the days, me being the innocent virgin offer on the altar, Erik just about to give the merciful, well calculated last hit to my head to release me from the earthy struggles for a better good. I am ready Erik! Kill me now! I have paid the insurance!

Your true and loving portraitor

Max Noble

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from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2DaM3qs via Viral News HQ

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He Gets A Little Bored On Fridays

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There Was A Storm During The Eclipse So He Improvised

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Today My Boyfriend Bought A Label Maker

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He Got His Head Stuck In The Porch Yesterday Whilst Trying To Feed A Dead Bee To A Spider That Lives In The Bushes

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My Dad Thought He Was Home Alone. I Had To See Why He Was Laughing So Hard

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Look At All These Kids

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Trying To Impress My Wife With New Overpriced Smart Bulbs, Forgot Our Security Cam Was Recording

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My Wife Bought New Couch Pillows You Can Draw On. Immature Me Couldn’t Resist

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My Boyfriend Ordered 500 Googly Eyes “For Reasons” And This Is One Of The First Things He Did

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Caught My Husband Red-Handed. Thought He Was Working Out

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We’re Adults And We Get To Decide What That Means: The Home Depot Edition

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My Father-In-Law Is A Contractor. This Is Him Installing A Mirror

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My Wife Called Me Immature For Taking This Picture. Anyone Else Immature?

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My Husband Is No Longer Allowed To Go To The Craft Store Alone

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Farting Boyfriend Causes Neighbors To Call Police

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My 90-Year-Old Grandfather At His Battlestation. He Was The Person Who Introduced Me To Several Tech Things, Such As A PC, An iPad, And A Tesla

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My Friend’s Dad Is In Boston Sightseeing Today

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My Buddy Wins Father’s Day Today. – “I Woke Up Today With A Missed Call From My Mom And About 15 Tags To Beat The Cheerio Stack Record. 10 Hours Later It Has Been Broken”

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He Really Wanted To Swim With His Turtle

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Heard My Husband Telling The Dog To Stay Still In The Kitchen, Walked In And This Greeted Me

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3 Years Ago He Unknowingly Bought A 2 Person Child’s Tent Thinking It Was Adult Sized. And He Still Took It To The Festival

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This Is How My Boyfriend And His Cat Catch Bugs Together

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What To Expect If You Marry A Man-Child

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My Boyfriend Is A Seller On Amazon. This Is What I Came Home To

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I Get A Call The Other Day, Says He Got In Trouble At The Barn For Cutting A Horse’s Hair And Everyone’s Pissed Off. I Felt Bad For Him Until I Got This Picture

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Printed And Attached To Wife’s Spraying Air Freshener While She Wasn’t Home. Spits Acid Every 30 Minutes

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When Your Husband Cleans The Kitchen And Rearranges The Fridge Magnets

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I Just Walked Into My Husband’s Office To Find Him Like This

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So I Took My Adult Friends To The Kids Zoo

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So My Boyfriend Had To Pull Over To Take A Pic Of This

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Heard My Boyfriend Giggling To Himself In The Bathroom

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When You Leave Your Husband Alone With The Garden Decor

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Had Sparklers At My Wedding Reception Last Night. I Think They Won Over My Father-In-Law

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Saw This Man Sneakily Blowing Bubbles In The Train Station. When I Made Eye Contact With Him And Smiled, He Came Up To Me And Whispered, “No One Suspects The Adult”

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My Boyfriend’s New Favorite Game – Machine Gun Kitten

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My Husband’s Late Night Contribution To The Questionable Label On My Wine

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Arcade Machine To Keep The Boyfriend Occupied

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My Friend And I Were House-Sitting And The Owners Asked Us If We Were Doing Anything Fun. Queue The Man-Child Photo Shoot

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What Happens When I Send My Husband To The Store And There’s An Ice Cream Sale

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My Wife Doesn’t Get Why I Giggle Every Time I Walk Into Her Elementary Class

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We Did Our Duty. Let No Man, Woman, Or Child Suggest Otherwise

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Sister Texted Me Saying She Lost Her Husband At Babies R Us. 20 Minutes Later, She Found Him

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I Just Caught My Boyfriend In The Act. He Doesn’t Know That I Know His Secret

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My Boyfriend Found The Perfect Use For His Shirt Pocket

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Some People Never Grow Up

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I Let My Boyfriend Choose A Shower Curtain And Now We Have This

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My Dad Was Gonna Go For A Run. He Laid Down To Stretch His Back. Found Him Asleep 30 Minutes Later

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While On My Computer My Boyfriend Walked Up Behind Me And Started Rubbing My Back. I Thought He Was Being Sweet, Then He Sent This Picture To My Phone

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Boyfriend Knocked Over His Orange Juice, Waitress Brought Him This

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I Got Married Last Week, My Wife Wanted Me To Only Take Serious Pictures With My Groomsmen

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My Boyfriend Just Started Using Timeline And Discovered You Could Post Life Events

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So I Went To The Bathroom And Found This. Apparently My Husband Is 12 Years Old

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Don’t Leave Your Husbands Alone In Target, Ladies

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When You Ask Your Husband To Pack Your Lunch

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I Could Never Game Because Of My Toddler Son So I Finally Bought A Play Pen

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When You Ask Your Boyfriend To Take Your Photo

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“Fixed” The Kitchen Canister Labels Last Week. Wife Hasn’t Noticed, Yet

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My Husband Went Grocery Shopping And Now I Have A Fruit Basket Full Of Cupcakes

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Came Home To This. We Don’t Have Children, My Husband Is 28

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My 32-Year-Old Husband Playing In His New Pool. We Don’t Have Kids By The Way

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My Boyfriend Studying For Finals

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I’m A Bad Father, I Convinced My Kids This Is An Eyeball Remover

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When I Was 12, I Was Attacked By A Howler Monkey In Costa Rica. My Dad Runs A Tour And Travel Company Down There, And I Found This Postcard On His Rack

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When I Ask My Husband To Cut Vents In The Turkey Pot Pie

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Just When I Think My Boyfriend Is A Grown Up

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“Phoneception” – Whenever I Upgrade My Phone I Snap A Pic Of The Old Phone With This Photo As The Background. I Find It Pretty Amusing But My Wife Hates It

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I Should Have Known Better When My Boyfriend Offered To Make My Bed

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I Left My Husband Alone With The Baby For One Hour And Came Back To This

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“Peach” Lip Balm. My Girlfriend Says I’m Immature. I Am

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