#so I feel like sleeping is pointless

[rosicheeks]

🙃

#my mind is fucking racing #I have so many things I have to do #and a few things I feel like I should do #so I feel like sleeping is pointless #like i should be spending this time packing or cleaning or looking for a job or idk #or replying to my friends and family and people who have been trying to contact me for awhile #but I feel like a rock #no words #no emotions #just rock #like I get energy to reply to people #and then I realize how many people I have to reply to and then I just get so overwhelmed #I was about to reply to my friend cause she offered to help me with packing and shit #and boy oh BOY I need help #but when I was reading her message it just kept going #don’t get me wrong I LOVE getting long messages #tell me what you’re thinking from a to z #but then I’m the type of person to reply to every single part #literally will read the message a few times to make sure I reply to everything #idk maybe that’s my problem #I just need to read it once and then reply with the first thing that comes to mind #lol but my mind will just jump to Kansas and do a loopy de fucking loop #idk what I’m saying anymore #I want to talk #but holding a conversation is tiring sometimes ya know #I’m stressed #and I should sleep but all I want to do is scream #maybe pack up a small bag and leave everything behind me and just run away #FUCK that sounds so nice #shut up rosie

[testing-reblogs]

Get real!!!!

#what if i #boy who struggled so hard with making it simple enough for me to comfortably recreate but also i love adding pointless things ill forget so #see how long it takes for me to completely forget to draw the second smaller pin on the jacket #heavy metal core who is definitely very much a core and not a turret thats just convinced everyone that they're a core nuh uh #one day ill think of more ways to making my turret android designs more distinct from cores bc rn they kinda got the Octoling treatment #which is technically different species but the differences in base appearance are actually pretty minor like its just the suckers and eyes #but im not gonna stress myself over it but its something ill get to whenever i feel like it #unfortunately i had a stomach ache so ended up sleeping until 4pm then getting to play games with my friend gave me motivation at 11 pm #i should really just write how my day was in a separate post bc i talk a whole lot <3 #heavy metal core #heavy metal core aperture tag #portal 2 #aperture tag

[sealovinq]

i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)

#xelle.txt #i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl #i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group #i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite #and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends #my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with- #-them either #i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too #that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because- #-of my inability to stay consistent #also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway #honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless #to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before #the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol #there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!! #and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader #which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present #anyway #hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working #lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out. #this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS #imma sleep now 😭 #idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do #goodnight everypony 🫶 #vent tw #rant tw

[freakpit]

being in your 20’s sucks cause it’s like oh boohoo i have bills and pressure to make permanent life plans. guess i’ll get so stressed i want to kill myself about it

#op #i’m 22 i have no prospects no fucking degree #nothing to show for my fucking existence #alls i do is doordash for money and sit at home and cry about money #i have over $700 in medical bills from my infections and my doctor’s appointment that insurance decided not to cover for no reason #and i just. why am i pointless #i used to be smart and promising and want to do things with my future and now i’m just some #idiot ugly insufferable unemployed fuck who cries about everything and can’t sleep from stress #god. #AND ITS NOT EVEN AN ORIGINAL KIND OF MISERY #i can’t even claim to be unique for feeling this way!!! #so i won’t get any comfort for this other than. oh well Feeling Like That is Normal for your early 20’s #and i’m just expected to pick up and carry on and hope it gets better fucking. a decade from now #i don’t want it to be better a decade from now. i want it to be better now #whatever

[luxidae]

i wish i was good at arts so i could have a reason to stay at home and draw all day

#if i was good at it id prob do it for income #cuz gods working customer service is fucking killing me #it doesn't help that at least half of my day is dedicated solely to work related shit on the days that i have to go #i wake up at 6 then get ready really quickly so i can get on the bus at 7 so i can be at work by 8 #which is AT LEAST a half hour bus ride #then work from 8am to 4:30pm and have to wait another 15 minutes minimum for the bus to go home #then i get home at like 5:30 and barely have the motivation to make food before i should be going to sleep #trying to do any of my hobbies during my work week feels pointless #cuz i dont have much time to do that and feed myself and get ready for the next day and give myself time to actually wind down from the day #at least i feel like i don't #and on the weekends i just rot in bed cuz i have no motivation to do much of anything else aside from *maybe* play something #accidental whole ass vent post my b #my head hurts #ira speaks

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

#talk post #i love this blog i want to live here #I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg #but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before #WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY #(yelling at a mirror) #seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately #and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week #making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts #and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again #this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row #but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school #and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing #and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year #and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it #like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me #PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE #i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean #i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy” #but things only work for so long #i hate the passage of time #anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff) #walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor #ramble #hit post

[deityofhearts]

I just want attention but I want for people to actually want to give me attention without me having to all but beg for it (and even then I end up begging for attention, that’s what this post is)

#deity dialogue #I can’t exist without some form of attention and if I’m not receiving attention and interaction then everything just seems pointless you #know? I don’t expect constant attention from any one person that’s absurd and not like someone’s job #I just hate the feeling of loneliness and being unwanted or a burden #I know there are people who do like me and my presence and like hearing from me and i and very very grateful to you all #so hi hi if you see this post I love and appreciate you #I’m not making this post to diminish the affection and attention I receive from others #I guess just to voice that I’m constantly hungry for attention like some sort of attention vampire #blah blah I could pinpoint why exactly I’m like this but it would do no good #just like the feeling of not getting enough attention or feeling like I’m unwanted when o do recieve attention or try my best to get peoples #attention #I’m just tired of being this way but it hasn’t changed yet I try so hard to not be bothered and to not care and to not keep craving #attention or like going out of my way to get peoples attention and yet #anyways sorry for my depressing late thoughts I should go to sleep but once again I cannot #I did however make myself cry because my own thoughts (again) #I’m gonna go check on my forehead and then like idk #resume reading the stupid vampire webcomic or like make myself try and sleep #I need more sleep medicine but I don’t have the money to spare for that lmao #any money I have rn is in savings for my impending phone bill #i can just sleep during the day. also like a vampire

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy #like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island #after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up #i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno #quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors #and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because #so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the #volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its #constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do #feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy #like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure #but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes #like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats #like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation #stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that #anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard #when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for #ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive #compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts #unrelated #also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what #do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info #but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes

[running-in-the-dark]

I didn't watch a single episode of Leverage today and I'm too tired to watch one now and it's making me really sad 😔

#I miss them #I don't even know what I did today #well. actually. #I got out of bed. fell asleep on the couch about 15 minutes later. then my husband came home and we watched taskmaster. #then I went into our office and started tidying up. #but there were long periods of just. sitting and not having the energy to get up somewhere in there as well #so anyway I'm exhausted as fuck and I didn't even get to watch my show 😭 AND we're looking at two apartments tomorrow so I very likely #won't do anything else all day. except sleep. #I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it #I don't want to live like this but I can't do shit about it and it feels pointless #gonna go to bed now I guess. another day wasted. fuck me. #someone just throw me off a bridge please this is too hard. #personal

[hecksupremechips]

Feeling just every single kind of horrific now I’m literally living my nightmare and have no where to run anymore

#lost my home my escape from this place and now im forced back into this awful living situation in a horrible town #its taking a physical toll im dizzy my stomach hurts i cant sleep right im sweaty i cant breathe #its just not real like this just cant be real #i can hear them chewing through the walls and i want them to stop but i cant cover my ears cuz then im vulnerable #my curtains are gone everyone is watching me theres spies all over the town the all report to each other #nagging nagging nagging because my god im so incompetent i cant even make a phone call #ive literally procrastinated rescheduling a very important doctor appointment for 2 weeks now cuz i literally cannot remember to do it #if i run away itll be pointless cuz theyll just find me and bring me back here #i would do anything just to cry and sob cuz then id get to feel better but my body wont let me im like emotionally constipated #ive been for who knows how fucking long #my father tells me that i need to overcome my autism and that im just not trying hard enough and that i need to talk to jesus #i dont love anything here i cant be bothered to try #and the ‘support’ i get is just. a cheap way of forcing me in #im gonna explode im seriously so uncomfortable so fed up so terrified so nauseous #its not even a dream this time but maybe it is but maybe it isnt i dont know i just punch the wall but never bleed #i want to breathe but its not working

[yuyu-bubu]

WAAAA I WANT TO CHANGE MY NAME IRL WAAAHHHH

#i don't like my name anymore #hearing it come out of certain people's mouths just makes me feel sick #also I've never felt connected to it y'know #my name feels like less of a name and more of an insult #also just being able to choose my name would be so... cathartic.. #too much baggage lies within these seven letters #and i find myself responding to it less and less often #im not ignoring anyone i swear it just takes me a moment to register they're talking to me #maybe because im more used to nicknames #but what if...i gave myself a permanent nickname... #rem #i really want to go by rem #rem as in #rapid eye movement #the type of sleep that produces dreams #but if im being honest sometimes im okay with my name #yeah i can go by both but id rather stick with just one #so eye dee kay this post is pointless im gonna go sleep now bye

[intruderzim]

wouldn’t it be so cool if everyday was the same and you were trying to mix things up to add enrichment to your environment, and make a list of things you like to do but you can’t focus longsr than 10 mins on any of them before trying another thing, but none of the things captivate you or make you happy? so you’re trying to fill up your life and day with things but nothing works? so you count the hours till you have to go to sleep so you can wake up and do it all again? wtf do you do when nothing in your life is wrong but you’re bored out of your skull and you feel empty. whats that.

#& im on meds so like #lol #im getting very tired of thid #and the process of finding a therapist feels so arduous and scary bcuz i have had so many bad experiences i kinda lost faith in therapists #as a whole #but like #i need somewhere to put all this garbage #but it feels pointless #i get so overwhelmed by tbe free time i have that i cant fill that i just. sleep #aaaggbfg nn ncfbfhendbdndnd #i want to go to bed and i think i will #idk what to do with myself and it sucks and i am hollow

[snixx]

why can't people let me be happy why do they always have to attempt to get in my head and try to convince me in unlovable and love and overinvest in other people too much literally fuck you and fuck you for getting in my head because now idk if they're right

#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com #my mom just suddenly out of nowhere asks me *would any of your friends drop everything for you if you asked* #and i said yeah and she sounded so unconvinced #FOR NO REASON LITERALLY #and shes not the only one why do people love trying to poke holes into my completely healthy friendships #i don't do it for your much worse falling apart romantic relationships #and now i feel like shit for no reason #a part of me just wants to stop trying but i would only be hurting myself and proving her right #on the other hand if she's right then me not trying for once wouldn't mean everyone ditches me #but i don't want to do that it's pointless #except it's not but whatever #i hate people sometimes like let me. be. happy. #im just going to sleep #ugh i have driving tomorrow

[femme-malewife]

I will...hopefully write tomorrow

#if i actually get some goddamn sleep tonight and dont fuck myself over tomorrow #i Am sorry yall. i have so many writing project plans but im just so. Mentally physically and emotionally drained irl #work. sleep deprivation. general irl things. mental illness. #it piles up. it really does. everything i do feels pointless. im so tired of everything. i want to continue writing #having fun. but how can i when it feels like i can die at any time and it wouldnt matter? #lately monas song jinsei wa saikou no hima tsubushi has been hitting me particularly hard

[jimkirkachu]

Do you ever wonder what you must have done to get yourself blocked by someone you've never interacted with at all, or who used to [favorably] interact with your posts fairly regularly? (or are you normal, etc. etc.)

#not trek #personal log #getting blocked #i don't check this stuff often enough to know 'ah that comment/post must have been what drove them away' #and i know it could be something as benign as them not wanting to see my whiny depressed crap anymore #but i still feel bad #and i hope that whatever i did wasn't perceived as deliberately mean or hurtful #i wish i could apologize to every person in the world 😞 #bad feelings #paranoia #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #pointless worrying #anxiety #headache #why am i like this #why can't i sleep at night like i'm supposed to and be awake when the other humans are awake and i wouldn't constantly feel alone #please ignore #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #i'm just really sorry #i want to disappear

[frecklystars]

today was way too overwhelming... it didnt feel like a day off at all 😔

#vent #my irl friends roped me in the middle of their fight and i refused to comment on any of it #bc i dont want to pick sides theyre both my friends #and then my dad and i got into a fight and he yelled over me like he always does #just out of nowhere he blows up at me and wouldnt let me say a single word #work wont stop calling me. work wont stop scheduling me on the wrong days #i have to meet ppl tomorrow... i dont want to... i keep having to Do Things #i have to meet ppl on wednesday too even tho that was gonna be my ONE day off #so i definitely cant draw anything for my HW anniversary this wednesday like i thought #im going to push it one more week. feels stupid and pointless but im pissed off #i never get enough time!!! to draw!!! #and i want to draw HW at least once this month!! this year!!! is that so hard!!! #i rarely get time to eat or sleep or do anything im always just working #and you'd think i'd make money! bc im working! but im not!! #i dont even make $150 per week and im always so tired out of my goddamn mind #i didnt even get paid this week. i worked 30 hours and got nothing #i cant. keep going like this but nothing in my life is changing no matter what i do #im so tired it isnt fair i didnt ask to be alive i just want to fuckign sleep