#so my brain likes it because it's different and ''new'' maybe???

[getvalentined]

I've never done a full breakdown of everything that happened to my version of Vincent while he was under the knife (although there is a partial breakdown from like 12 years ago on Ask Vincent Valentine), but @spinejackel tagged my recent Vincent doodle gushing about autopsy scar (Vincent Has a Y-Incision headcanon supremacy!) so I figured it was probably a good time. This is also probably the best method, since I can apply the right tags and trigger warnings to hopefully keep it from hitting the people who would be disturbed.

For anyone who doesn't know, figuring out the fucked up physiology of victims of science is like my entire jam. I think this is what happens when you let a chronically ill child watch Akira and the original Bubblegum Crisis OVA and most of the works of Masamune Shirow. All that before FF7 even existed. This means that the explanation under the cut may seem excessive, and this post is very long. I've been building it over over a quarter century, I don't think there's any avoiding it at this point.

Warnings for body horror, nonconsensual body modification, medical horror and torture. Basically, if there's anything you can think of related to becoming a victim of science under the rule of an unethical sci-fantasy oligarchy, it's probably in here to some degree. It's explained plainly and simply, in clinical but not visceral detail.

My headcanons for what Hojo did to Vincent are pretty specific, albeit not precisely comprehensive; 27 years later I still don't really have a particularly solid concept for how he turned Vincent into a shapeshifter, although at least we know it's not something entirely specific to Vincent—Hojo repeated that facet of the experiment in Azul, but not in any other SOLDIER operative even in DeepGround, implying that it's only possible if very specific physiological conditions are met. The minimal concept I do have involves a twisted application of the concept of incarnate summoning as it appears in FFXIII-2, but it's very vague and also not the topic of this post. Maybe later.

Regarding the Y-incision/autopsy scar, my headcanon is that once Hojo tweaked Vincent into being able to regenerate from any injury—an enhancement that is confirmed to be entirely Hojo's work in Dirge—the professor of course felt it necessary to run various tests quantify the usefulness of his handiwork. He did this first by inflicting various surface injuries, then by causing more extreme bodily trauma, which eventually culminated in Hojo removing the majority of Vincent's internal organs in order to measure how long it took them to grow back and, assuming they did grow back, how the new ones compared to Vincent's original parts.

To be able to observe this as closely as possible, Hojo kept Vincent's torso open for the entire process—which he repeated twice more in order to check the weight, size and structure of the newly-grown organs in comparison to the originals. This study proved that most of them did grow back, but the majority of them stopped developing much earlier than was appropriate for Vincent's age and size. The difference was consistent, Hojo just never figured out why most of them grew back smaller and less-developed.

The reason this happened is based the fact that most of the organs in the human trunk are used in digestion and other related processes, and Vincent's regeneration means he doesn't need to eat or drink anymore. His body only expended as much energy as was completely necessary to develop those organs to the point of being functional rather than normal, because they're not really necessary. Vincent is glad he still has them, though, because he does still occasionally eat (usually in social situations) and also he'd be really sad if he couldn't even have coffee.

Vincent's brain activity remained normal during the entire process, although that may have something to do with Hojo driving a bunch of fluid lines into his head and flooding the inside of his skull with mako to keep him awake the whole time even while deprived of oxygen. (Rebirth spoilers, but seeing the bit in the Nibelheim Protorelic questline where Hojo does something super similar to this, after this has been my headcanon for decades, was a trip.)

Two organs didn't grow back at all: Vincent's appendix and one kidney. This was also the result of efficient energy expenditure, as the human appendix isn't necessary for survival, and only one kidney is really required. (Each time Hojo removed the new kidney, the one that grew back would be on the opposite side, which bothered Hojo to no end.)

His lungs grew back a little larger, possibly because his skeletal structure never quite recovered after his first transformation into Galian—his arms and legs are noticeably too long for his body, although not to the point of looking impossible, and likewise his ribcage settled to breadth that would allow for larger lungs. He doesn't really need these anymore either, related to his brain being exposed to so much mako during the process that it can now operate without oxygen if necessary, but switching himself over from aerobic to anaerobic respiration is really unpleasant and Vincent tries to avoid it when he can.

His heart was pretty normal by the time Hojo was done with him, although his heartrate had dropped to like 20bpm even when elevated. Again, if respiration isn't necessary, there's not much reason for the system to be active. (By the time Lucrecia was done this had dropped to around 5bpm on average, although it's completely arrhythmic and jumps all over the place when he's not either particularly active or on the verge of a transformation.)

This was the experiment that left Vincent susceptible to degradation, which Hojo didn't realize until after finally closing him back up. Upon realizing that Vincent's body wasn't responding properly to a different test (a repetition of an earlier experiment related to the regeneration of external tissues and features), Hojo just kinda threw him in a tube to be disposed of at a later date, kinda like that scene in Arrested Development where there's that dead dove in a bag in the fridge. The incision healed at some point during the period that Lucrecia was working on him, but early enough in her work that the tissue couldn't flawlessly regenerate (like it does in the present), leaving him with one more gnarly scar on top of all the rest.

Vincent is self-conscious about all the physiological changes brought on by what was done to him, often to the point of loathing. His left arm is the worst—it rotted off while he was in the throes of degradation and grew back as something that he hesitates to call his arm—but Vincent hates that Y-incision scar almost as much. Some days they tie.

(It has come up in appropriately horrified conversation with Shalua that, considering how his regeneration works, Vincent could probably get rid of all the scars on his chest if he somehow peeled the skin off his torso in a single swath. He will not be doing that. Besides, it might grow back the wrong color/texture/etc, like his left arm. Not worth the risk, much less the suffering.)

Also I gotta finish off this entry with the extremely stupid headcanon reveal that Vincent's (honestly fairly impressive) dick was cut off during the first round of bodily trauma regeneration tests—and Hojo has never felt the sort of rage he experienced upon discovering that it grew back bigger than before. This occurred early enough in the experiments that Vincent was not awake for it, and thus has no idea how the fuck this happened, and does not want to talk about it ever thank you very much. I've never mentioned it in public anywhere because it is extremely stupid, but I hope someone out there finds it as funny a concept as I do.

#vincent valentine #headcanon warning #body horror tw #torture tw #medical torture tw #it's all described in scientific detail #not visceral at all #but it's still very much horror #so please be aware #and do not engage if you're not into that #fandom ramble

[marredmusings]

umm so i wrote a little fic/blurb idk i don't think it's good but it's something that's been stuck in my head for a while with my own little oc named grace but her name is only mentioned a few times so it could totally be ignored and seen as reader.

anyway this is my first ever fic so please be kind to me and if you have suggestions or other fic ideas i'd love to hear them.

not proof read and lowercase intended.

and if you think it's awful please lie to me i'm fragile 😔

deny

you are a lover girl. a hopeless romantic, someone who dreams of finding "the one" and living happily ever after. kie often says you tend to fall in love a little with everyone you meet. you can't help it though, you have so much love in you, it feels like you'll burst at the seams if you don't share it with others.

you think you're in love with your best friend jj maybank. no one understands you the way the wild blond haired boy does. no one can communicate with you with just a single look the way jj does. no one makes your heart beat out of your chest and your tummy flutter the way his dimpled smile does, eyes crinkling at the corners, a slight sunburn on his nose because lord know that boy doesn't use the sunscreen you bought him.

so yeah you're in love with jj maybank but then yesterday a different boy kissed you. pope heyward, your other best friend, genius extraordinaire whom you thought was maybe in love with kie but no- he kissed you and you felt a tingle in your ever beating heart. heat filled your cheeks and your ears became fuzzy. that was a new feeling when it came to pope. it made you excited to explore because as much as you love jj, you don't think the boy would ever return your undying affection because your friendship meant too much.

----

you stood in the threshold of popes bedroom, gasp stuck in your throat, eyes wide and mouth open at the sight before you. you’re not sure how to process what you’re seeing.

before you on the bed that pope kissed you on not even 24 hours ago, is jj maybank, your closest friend, kissing the heyward boy.

so many emotions flow through you at the sight before you.

shock because not once has jj; or pope for that matter mentioned or even hinted that they liked men- or each other. then again, jj has always liked beautiful people and pope is certainly that.

sadness because you and pope had literally just kissed. maybe you were naive to think a simple kiss meant something more to the boy, but it was pope, you don't think there's a mean bone in his body. then again you’ve always been too much of a romantic, too blinded to really see what’s in front of you. blinded by your want and need to be loved that perhaps you create situations in your mind that you interpret as reality? maybe you need to contact your therapist again. you're sounding even more delusional than before.

lastly, you feel jealousy. the angry green monster rumbling around in your tummy, making its way up your throat. you’re not sure what exactly is making you jealous because the image of the two boys kissing is surely confusing. are you jealous because pope is kissing another person who isn’t you? a part of you is jealous because he’s kissing jj. or maybe it’s that jj is kissing pope or that maybe they’re kissing eachother and they're not kissing you? you're not sure at this point. dear diary jealousy is a disease babes, and you are infected.

you must have made a noise because next thing you know, the two boys are pulling apart, a string of spit still connecting them and for a second your love rattled brain is jealous of it. the spit that is, because deep down you’ve always known that you wanted them both… to be the one to connect them. you feel slightly crazy being jealous of spit.

jjs face goes beat red and then flushes pale, like a ghost. he looks terrified and like he might vomit all over the floor in a second.

“grace!” popes panicked voice reaches your ears but they’re still kind of ringing from the shock of seeing your supposedly straight best friends kiss.

in your heartbroken haze you wonder if you're being a bad ally right now. you love the gays you swear! you just never pictured pope and jj as being a part of the gays ™.

you clear your throat, “jb and kie are waiting for us downstairs. we were going out on the boat today, remember?”

you try and say that as gently as possible because jj still looks like he’s going to pass out and pope isn’t much better.

popes hands are shaking as he reaches for you and a part of you wants to pull away but you’re not mean. you’ve never been mean so even if your feelings are hurt you’ll always put your best friends feelings above your own. and it looks like pope needs to touch you. maybe to hold your hand and reassure him you’re really standing there, witnessing something that you probably shouldn’t have.

so many emotions flicker through popes eyes. you can’t really see his blush but you’re sure if you touch his face it would be hotter than the sun.

pope grabs your hands in his shaking ones. you can feel how clammy they are and you hazard a look back to jj who has yet to even move. you’re a little concerned he’s gone into shock.

you let out a soft sigh and smile at the boys, a smile that is mostly genuine.

you squeeze popes hand and make eye contact with the panicked blonde boy on the bed.

“it’s ok jj. i won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” you speak kindly, as if you’re talking to a scared feral cat.

you only see jj swallow hard. “for what it’s worth, i understand the appeal... wanting to kiss pope and all.” you tease hoping to cut the obvious tension in the room. you feel like you're the one choking now.

jj and pope both let out huffs like they’re afraid to laugh but also relieved you’re not upset.

“you’re not mad?” jj croaks like he still has a frog lodged in his throat. he looks at you with soft wonder, like you’re the best thing in his life. his stare makes your tummy flutter.

“of course not. you guys are my best friends. i only ever want you to be happy!” you reply honestly. jj deserves happiness after the shit life he’s been dealt. he deserves good things and if you have to set aside your feelings in order for him to have good things then by golly you’ll do that.

“grace, about yesterday-“ pope starts off,

“don’t worry buddy, already forgotten.” you cut him off. hopefully saving him the strife of having to apologize to you about the kiss and saving you the embarrassment of him telling you he regrets your kiss. you don't think you could survive hearing that out loud.

you march over to jj still holding popes hand, effectively dragging the boy with you. you throw your arms tightly around jjs neck and after a heartbeat, jj returns your hug. you move your head to look at pope and nod at him, encouraging him to join the hug.

“now c’mon. you know how pissy jb gets when he’s made to wait” you giggle.

you lead the boys out of popes room and home and into the twinkie without giving them an option of saying no.

“finally! i thought y’all died or something. what took so long” john b huffs in exasperation.

“my fault jb!” you quickly chirp so the boys don’t have to panic and think of a lie “pope showed me the new book he got and it’s my favourite and i starting gushing and you know me i can’t shut up and… well i forgot why i went up to get them in the first place” you giggle with a sheepish smile.

“you’re so lucky you’re cute, grace” kie laughs teasingly.

you see pope and jj making eye contact. you have a feeling you might need to play therapist for them soon. pope doesn’t know how to talk about his feelings without beating around the bush and well, jjs favourite thing to do is deny deny deny.

actually, that’s exactly what you’re gonna do too! deny you have feelings for pope. deny you have feelings for jj. deny you ever saw them kiss and deny that them kissing only upset you because you weren’t a part of it. deny that a part of you enjoyed it. deny that your feelings matter in this situation and deny that if given the chance, you’d love to be in between a beautiful jj maybank and pope heyward sandwich.

yep, deny deny deny. this is gonna be a long freaking summer.

#jj maybank #kiara carrera #obx #outer banks #pope heyward #jj maybank x reader #pope x reader x jj #jj maybank x oc #pope heyward x reader #pope heyward x oc #john b routledge #my fic #obx fanfiction #obx fic

[toothlespoggers]

here’s some concept art for an Idea I’ve started to plot out!

I had an idea recently that Papyrus and Sans moved to deltarune because sans didn’t wanna be stuck in the loop and papyrus had to come with him. But when they get there papyrus hates not having his friends or the magic and familiarity that he’s used to so he discovers how to create dark fountains as a way to bring control and fun back to his life. The first dark fountain he made was in his room and so I was coming up with dark world and darkner ideas for like the room.

I’m thinking the pirate flag is its own like pirate kingdom and there’s like a pirate skeleton king and a baby pirate skeleton that’s like the prince, and they have like their own cyber city sorta thing because of the computer- and the squiggly carpet is water, there’s some kind of fire land on the carpet, the bed is its own like city maybe? Stuff like that.

I was also thinking about how Ralsei serves as like a comfort to be like asriel to Kris. And stuff like that. So I was thinking about what the person Papyrus would miss would be, and I thought it’d be his relationship with Undyne. So I wanted to make a darkner in sort of Ralseis role but different. For papyrus. I’m thinking a Undyne-like darkner named Kamikaze. My inspiration for the name and character is that one httyd character from the books by the same name. I think that sort of personality would fit pretty well.

I was going to put a whole new au name to this and what not, but when I was brain storming all my ideas kinda fit with something I had already worked on in the past. And so I think I’m just going to combine it and workshop that.

so this is going to fall under DESPERATION!Tale

I think the core element of papyrus’s desperation will validate the au name choice pretty well.

I didn’t exactly have anything massive planned to showcase or whatever yet, I just had these ideas that I wanted to share since I’m probably not going to have anything come from it in a while.

I have changed a lot of the initial concept art and work for DesperationTale compared to my old art in the tag.

#undertale #undertale au #deltarune #deltarune au #papyrus au #papyrus undertale #undertale papyrus #deltarune papyrus #papyrus deltarune #desperationtale

[backgroundagent3]

for the character ask, daisy johnson!

Thank you so much for the ask! 💜 I love any excuse to talk about Daisy Johnson.

First impression: I'm trying to squeeze my brain here, but all I remember was trying not to like her at first because I knew se was a double agent for the Rising Tide. It goes without saying I failed miserably about three episodes in.

Impression now: She is my favourite character of all time.

Favorite moment: I really can't choose, but one that comes to mind was the final fight of season 5. I think it's a very underrated fight scene, because it's the end of the world, her dad is dying, she has been recently betrayed and tortured by her friend, and she still goes into battle BY HERSELF against Talbot, and if that wasn't bad enough, when she's about to die a horrible death she realises that the only way she can save the world is if she takes the serum and basically condemns the person she loves most to his death. It's so heartbreaking and poetic, but very cool to watch, and I just love so much it, idk.

Idea for a story: This is angsty but I would love to read something where the events of 5.14 are properly dealt with. May watches the security cameras and goes ballistic on Fitz, and Daisy gets time to grieve and heal. They get Coulson back and he's horrified, and Jemma is so conflicted but she's there for her best friend.

Unpopular opinion: Since apparently I can't stop thinking about season 5, here's some more. I think she actually did a good job of leading the team in season 5b. Especially if you consider that she's been recently tortured, her family doesn't seem to care, she has no experience, and hasn't gotten a good nights sleep in about 5 years. She might be tough, but hello? IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD?? You have to be at least a little bossy if you wanna make it through that. Also if you're gonna be a baby and call her a hard ass maybe you should have thought twice before joining SHIELD.

Favorite relationship: If it's romantic, then Sousa. I love them so so much, they're literally perfect and despite my obvious outrage at season 5, I will forever love the AoS writers for somehow pulling that off. As for platonic relationships, I'd say May. She's the perfect mother figure for her, and I love the parallels between them. I think Daisy has the best relationships in general, but this one is my favourite. Honourable mentions go to Coulson for being the most unhinged dad ever, and to Jemma for being the sweetest friend in the earlier seasons.

Favorite headcanon: before she goes off to space at the end of season 7, she rebuilds Afterlife with the help of Sousa and Kora. I've said this before, but I think they are actually the perfect team to do this. Kora has lived in Afterlife her whole life, she's seen Jiaying help people go through Terrigenesis, and she's been though it herself in a much healthier and safer environment than Daisy. Sousa is reasonable and calm, which are good qualities to have when you're helping someone who's terrified and potentially dangerous. He has experience leading people, which I think would make him a good mentor for the Inhumans. So Kora has the experience, Sousa has the qualities, and in my opinion, Daisy has a nice combination of the two. She has a different and much more horrifying experience of Terrigenesis that people who accidentally go though it can relate to, and she has spent years exploring and controlling her powers, so she knows what the deal is. And she's also a good leader, so where Sousa can help the Inhumans pre-Terrigenesis, she can train them after if that's what they want. Because that's another thing, SHIELD may be funding Afterlife, but they've learnt their lesson and they're not sticking their noses where they shouldn't. They accept new recruits and help train them, but if that's not what the Inhumans want, then SHIELD helps them get settled back into their normal lives. Anyways this got long but it's one of my favourite headcanons, so there you go.

Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry for rambling, but I have a lot to say about Daisy. 🌼💛

Character Asks.

#ask away #character asks #agents of shield #aos #daisy johnson #skye #quake #glenn talbot #melinda may #the cavalry #leopold fitz #phillip coulson #jemma simmons #deke shaw #daniel sousa #dousy #kora #jiaying #brekker-by-brekkerr #background agent 3

[very-uncorrect]

bitches be like "why do I feel hungry" when they haven't eaten anything all day

#it's me I'm bitches #i forgor oops #also kinda unrelated but i kinda like the physical feeling of being hungry #is that weird #it's definitely weird isn't it #i don't mean i like knowing i haven't eaten #just the physical sensation of it #maybe it's because i don't feel properly hungry often (I have the luxury of always having food available to me) #so my brain likes it because it's different and ''new'' maybe??? #idk #anyways i am bitches #I'll have some grapes now #I'll have pasta when i get home

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[nemmet]

question: how did you discover/get into scooby doo?

this is something i'm always so interested to hear, being that there are few people who don't have at least some small tie to the franchise. whether you would consider it one of your biggest current interests or it's just something nostalgic from your childhood, i'd love to know how you found scooby and what it means to you!

#for me it was my dad! he grew up with the original show and wanted to introduce it to me #so one day when i was maybe? seven?? he came home with the winter wonderdog dvd and we watched it that night #from there we watched every single scooby doo movie that had ever been made #and got the new ones as they came out in subsequent years! #watching a new scooby movie with my dad every weekend are honestly some of my favourite childhood memories #also what's new scooby doo had also started airing on one of the main cartoon channels here in the uk around 2010 #so that's the show i watched the most consistently as a kid #velma was my original favourite of the gang because i looked a lot like her (big glasses/same haircut/etc.) #people would always compare me to her and it genuinely gave me a lot of confidence in my appearance that stays with me to this day #but fred was always my firm second favourite - he made me laugh the most of any character #and took on a deeper meaning to me in my adolescence when i realised i was autistic and strongly identified with his portrayals as such #the characters are probably what's kept me coming back all this time - they've been with me forever #and i love them individually + as a team who support each other with their unique skills and love for one another #but also the wacky adventures and general aesthetic #many people joke about the basic plot being the same every time but it makes my autistic brain happy #i love permanence and consistency baby!!!!! #and the different variations on that same formula always keep things fresh and fun #anyway ramble over #looking forward to hearing you guys' responses! :D #scooby doo #nem misc posts :]

[egoarc4de]

ant mill wip #1536 so i can talk in the tags

#without context this is just some guy I KNOW but i promise it's scout. maybe not THE scout but A scout. #my scout. not an oc scout but the scout from my little story #one of many scouts i guess #i am not sure if this will ever see the light of day because it's so removed from being like. canon/fanon recognisable #BUT. but. i am actually trying to do perspective #i wish i could transfer my brain into a 100k novel so u could understand the context but. #just know i am thinking powerthoughts. if you could see it u would think it was so cool #smoking out the bay windows... top floor of a three decker... the only sibling at the new place... BLARGHHH #sorry #youll have to excuse me #ok . #might uhhhh might. #if this disappears it's bc i got lucid #ant mill is the weird placeholder name i am using to refer to this au! the more you know #need to digitise some of the engies in my planner.... hes my favourite hoohooheehee #i have the opposite of same face syndrome bc i have no concept of consistency. #also depends what tools im using! painting is very different from lineart #NOTE TO SELF : face dip cheekbone forward

[itskeej]

bro why you worry about maining someone? like I play a different person in r6s depending on what I feel like / the map / the location of site. actually when I first started playing the game all I would use is the random button! like unless ur in comp it really doesn't matter. one of the only reasons why I don't do random these days is because the button isn't in standard only qp. just like... click someone- except for mira or clash. banned.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT i've actually got like... little to no gameplay experience playing r6, most of my knowledge comes from watching other people play. I've played maybe about 2 hours worth of actual matches tops :P

after going through enough fps games with characters that have unique abilities/guns, i eventually figured out i learn a game best if i just pick a character and try to learn just them until i'm comfortable with their utility enough that im not trying to learn the maps, the plant spots, etc etc while also fighting learning my own ability and guns. x_x

I ALSO USUALLY JUST PLAY WHOEVER I WANT TO IN GAMES, apex i do that a lot, but i only really started to learn once i told myself "okay, i'm gonna just pick ONE character to play", and so i'd only play mirage until i felt comfortable in the battle royal format. now, i play a variety of legends! >:)

i do get you though, it's not like... a giant worry, starting is just hard for me LMAOOOOO. the r6 gameplay loop is so foreign to me and these kinds of learning curves i find i get over the fastest if character choice isn't an aspect im fighting against too, if that all makes any sense?

#keej answers #hrgnm #tumblr ask #wish i learned this sooner... i would have started enjoying valorant SO MUCH FASTER omfg #AND AGAIN IM LIKE basically a new player experience-wise... havent even touched like half the operators lol #still trying to find what i like >_> #long post. #SORRY FOR THE ESSAY AHAKJFHDSJK I DIDNT MEAN FOR THIS TO BE SO LONG but also i think i cant explain my brain in less words #IF IM GOING ABOUT THIS THE WRONG WAY i appreciate suggestions because mannn i know r6 is different than like.... #overwatch or apex so maybe the strat is to just try shit and yolo it? idk. i find having some familiarity helps me a lot #so thats why im on the hunt for a main

[skunkes]

General oc talkkkk

I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?

Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)

Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....

Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...

There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...

#talkys #long post #thinking also about how my friend said maybe id fare better if i didnt wait for my ocs to sort of fester in my brain to write them #bc thats how i do it...ive only been getting talon ideas because i talk to him all day in different scenarios i havent been able to exhaust #bc he's brand new #al's like. set in stone theres not much to draw because i just replay scenarios now. stagnated #i fear talon will get to a point like that too #like my brain will Fix Him and Therapize him and it wont be able to go back to the conflict he had Before that #so i wont play with him anymore...ykwim? #but i dont KNOW how to just make a character without having them show themself around in my brain #i barely even know how to make one in the way i do it now #bc i dont make ocs...bc i dont understand how to do Good Concept‚ Conflict‚ AND flesh em out #cause i got concepts for my space ocs. not complete ones but they have blurbs #ive never been able to get them to interact with me or each other in my brain though so idk anything about them #nor have i cared enough to draw them more #nor would i be able to think of scenarios #ykwim...? #its weird #ugh. maybe i am meant to just be a commission artist‚ im no good at any other niche #i got the worst Roll.... #wish i had a brain...okay well im going to sleep neow goodnite

[wall-e-gorl]

just finished the last step of decluttering my room 💪why did i have so much stuff 💪

#i started this project like #3 weeks ago? #all i wanted was a spot to put new books because of the b&n opening up in town #and that lead to me spending... so much time in clearing out cluttered spaces #and so much money in getting another bookshelf AND a more functional dresser AND a hamper/hanging rack #my sister got my old one its not broken it was just literally collecting dust and junk in the corner. i wasnt using it #new dresser will be coming in this week so i had to get it done #i took out...... maybe 5? 6? full trashbags of just stuff i didnt need and clothes i never wore #i found things from a decade ago. theyre gone now #spring cleaning came early i guess #i dont know if ive got hoarding tendacies or if i just. put things in boxes and forgot about them. but i gotta do better about that #ANYWAY my room is clean now and ive done minimal rearranging but the stuff i did move has made A Difference #this is both better for my brain and better for when we move out in the ??? future #less stuff to sort and pack

[syncrovoid-presents]

I am. Not dead. BUT will be gone for a like a day or few because the stuff at work did not! want! to! work!

Which I'd another way of saying that I finally was able to get free after working 34 consecutive hours in a row. The day prior I got 1 hour of sleep and that is all after 5 days of 10 or 11 hour work days.

I am so sleepy. I am taking tomorrow off and probably going to sleep right through it. Anywho cheers everyone!! I am going to go to the shadow realm now @:P

#syncrovoid.txt #delete later #maybe?? #the one coworjer that has been helping as best he can is now calling me a cyborg haha! it is funny #but strange because before i was officially hired the supervisor (lead programmer) said i was #i was like a robot and if i had been perfect there'd be no difference #<- this was his notes when i finished my (payless) practicum there that lead to me being hired before graduating #ironically the new guy (hes been around half a year lol) was one of the only other people that graduated from my course #none of us ever met but it is cool!! and he did a lot to help out over this week of nonstop work #<- okay i KNOW someone will say “hey. you know you could have stopped right?” #but consider. i have very bad body awareness so i dont notice much impact from sleep deprivation and also i would feel so guilty @:( #and also consider!! i have either earned a hefty paycheck of the redt of the week off so like. capitalism yay????? #<- i do not support capitalism #ALSO sleep deprivation is SOOO silly because i get hyper! i feel like i get more and more energy and my brain doesnt stop thinking! #i have had a grand total of 3 hours of sleep in the past uhhh 4 days?? #it is so silly!! but probably not good for me #but i CAN confirm to you that when websites say it takes 3 days of no sleep to start hallucinating they are exaggerating #it takes at least 5 or a week with only 1 or 2 hours sleep #even then it is so minor. #weirdest sleep deprivation hallucinations ive had was where every second time i blinked the world was overlayed with a different one #it has happened twice and it is literally and without exageration the STRANGEST feeling in the world. in the universe even #it is like you are flickering btween two realms that occupy the same physical space but from two different theoretical spaces #if that makes sense?? #the first time it happened it was at a huge school sleep over and every few moments the gym full of sleeping bags and other peeps #would transform into all the chill monsters just living their life. like monsters in terms of not looking human nor like any earthly creatur #but not mentally monsters. it was like a towns square sort of thing? so they were rushing about and coming in and out the doors #second time it happened i was like 14 and in the back of an overstuffed car with a friend and their mom and we were in the middle of nowhere #forest for hours and hours longer still. slept on the side of the road lol. but it was like very so often huge huge giants would step over #the trees. all you could see was the somewhat woody-scaly texture of these massive massive poles or legs or whatever #slowly moving over the forest and walking around. looking up into the sky they just faded away too tall to see

[icewindandboringhorror]

feeling sick constantly in the background all the time is like.. usually negligible-ish.. until multiple various chronic background issues all happen to overlap at once and then it’s like 

#Like usually I cycle between like. joint pain issues. chest muscle injury stuff. back pain. stomach problems. headaches. etc. #There is never a day that I feel totally normal for the most part. but it's usually just little things here and there on and off #chronic things that seem to flare up sometimes. But then every once in a while it's like the flare ups align and I'll have 6 of the problems #at the same time and then is AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #For some reason it's okay to deal with one or two of these things at any given time. but if I have to deal with like 3+ at once #or two of the old ones plus one NEW thing I've never had before or etc. etc. #I just can't even do anything. I run around stressed out of my mind unable to focus on any tasks or do anything but feel bad #then I cant even play games or do fun stuff becuause my brain wont let me be distracted from fixating on the fact that I feel bad #It's kind of the same way that it's stressful for me to go into grocery stores because my brain LITERALLY just is not capable of tuning out #all of the noises and lights and sensory information - so it' gets overwhelming quickly. I also just literally cannot tune out sensory infor #mation from my body. so if something feels even a LITTLE weird or a LITTLE painful or is even slightly different than usual #especially if it's overlapping with multiple other 'low level chronic pain' type things then my brain is just like.. being given way too muc #h information that it still cant tune out and then I can't focus and just walk around in a daze for however long until one of the issues #goes away on it's own (like joint pain flare ups usually come and go etc. etc.). or until I see a doctor abut whatever the new thing is #and maybe something they do or say actually helps or etc. etc. #Idk I have SO SO much I want to do the beginning of the year and so many projects to finish and things to post and schedules I have #written out for me to get on (like excercising more consistently and etc.) and it's just furstrating for my brain to just be like #ah.. nope.. we are not doing that. instead we are going to be completely incapacitated by a host of physical issues #which I think most ''normal people'' would just ignore like ''oh yeah I'll just load myself up on ibuprophen and coffee and energy #drinks and advil and sleep supplements and this and that'' or whatever but I can't do that it just makes stuff worse. I have to just sit for #days having a mind battle like 'okay yes we're having these problems.. but we can still like.. do SOMETHING right? we could like.. write #or draw. or things that don't take much energy'' and brain is just like NO!!! WE CANT!!! BECAUSE!! THING IS WEIRD!!!' and it's like okay #but thing is going to be weird. there's nothing we can do about thing being weird right now. so we should just focus on something else #'NO!! CANNOT TUNE OUT THING BEING WEIRD!! lets just fixate on it instead and wander aimlessly from thing to thing never able #to fully focus on any other task. hee hee''. anyway. hhghh.. sometimes I just get tired of having Various Ailments at any given time #especially unexplained ones or weird recurring problems that doctors haven't done much about because then it lends to paranoia like #'what if something is seriously wrong but I just dont know it yet?' which could be the case. I mean hopefully not. but I just hate stuff #being unexplained. because if there's no clear answer then the answer could be anything. even somehting bad. *** :V #ANYWAY gghhb... just bothered at the moment. I was going to come here like 'hey maybe I could post some drafts or pictures or something that #could feel productive!' but.. i dont feel like it. i dont care. too focused on Bad Feeling. just going to complain instead lol

[subatomicskud]

Upgrading to new headphones: wow the sound quality of these are amazing! You can actually hear the twinge of fear in the singers voice as they're about to record the first song of their debut album.

#my partners really jazzed with their akgs they didnt say this exactly but stuff like #oh you can hear the microphone fuzz at the start of this song and the artist stepping up near to the microphone in the recording booth #and like little sample usage you couldnt really hear before #which is really cool! im to smooth brained to pick up on that stuff but interesting to hear them talk about it #though then again as ive gotten older listening to old songs that I listen to as a teen and you do heardifferent little new things sometimes #so i wonder if thats because standard headsets/earphones have gotten better over the years? (generally not all) #or if youre just older and experience it differently maybe a bit of both? #sorry if sounding a bit pretencious just interesting to ponder about

[imdressinguplikeacat]

i genuinely need someone to beat the fuck out of me

#i think it would fix me #maybe it would undo my childhood brain damage or make it worse enough that i stop thinking #like really nothing is that big of a deal i have just been having the worst time and sometimes i wonder if talking about it makes me worse #because it always makes me feel worse and my therapist is just not helping or at least not doing what i thought she could do and its just #making me feel like i know myself even less #i am so scared to talk about my gender issues because no one is willing to suggest that it isnt about gender dysphoria its about my sense f #of detachment from myself. like i don’t want to be me i want to be a completely different person and maybe it just seems gender is the way #to do that but ultimately its not. like you don’t become a completely new person by changing genders. i also know that i would not like #myself as a girl. i just want to be a completely different girl #i also really like myself the way i am but i also feel like i am a complete facade and an actor and nothing i do is real #my sense of self is like watching an actor in an interview #i have no fucking idea who i am #italking

[piplupod]

(can i please get a waffle voice): can i PLEASE having a coping mechanism that doesnt turn maladaptive. can i PLEAAASE have just one !!! i am Begging you, on my hands and knees !!!!! AUGH

#tfw your coping mechanism detaches you from reality and now you're watching yourself warily to make sure u dont fall into That Pit again #skirting around the edge and unhooking my claws from the coping mechanism and holding it gingerly with the tips of my fingers #praying i do not have to put it down entirely. because man..... its slim pickings around here for shit that actually Works fhfjdkl #the issue with reality being nigh unbearable ... is that you cannot bear reality. and thus detach. but u cannot go too far away from it. #or else Bad Shit happens. that i don't especially want to experience again fhdjdkdl #it'd be so cool to have a brain that didnt do this. so i could just freely la-dee-da along with fun things #instead of the fun things turning Bad bc they went too far fjfkdl #or having to keep a very close eye on myself when i get into new things bc i can see they have the potential to go badly for Me w my brain #sobbing forever honestly. i feel awful. this sucks shit. im trying to be funny about it to cope but im Upset fjfjddkl #im so sick of this type of thing fjdkdl I wish i could just like... be okay. for a while. without it going badly like this fjfkfl #i thought maybe i was on the up finally but nooooo it's just bc i was getting too far from holding onto reality properly #god i hate this pattern. im so fucking angry w it tbh fjfkfl i cannot believe i let myself think this was going to be different fjfkfl #but anyways!! onwards we march and hopefully i figure smth out fjfkdl im uhhhh very tired #going to crawl into bed at the ripe time of 8:30pm and just go listen to music and draw or smth idk fjfkfl this is frustrating #pippen needs 2nd breakfast