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kastartss · 6 years

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I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)

Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.

I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many.

On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.

But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.

The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.

Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant.

Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.

This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately).

I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health.

It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was.

I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors.

All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness.

This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?

The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant.

Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.

#please help #please #really I need help #mental health #mental health support #depression #anxiety #abuse #attention seeker is that me???#self hatred #what am I doing with life #existential crisis #at its finest

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letholojimin · 7 years

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HOUR 1 (JJK)

STUCK SERIES - HOUR 1

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Themes: high school au, badboy & fuckboy jungkook

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1,127

Summary: After being labelled the school’s biggest bad boy, Jeon Jungkook chooses to live up to the title. What he doesn’t know is that his arrogance will lead him to you.

HOUR 2 | MASTERLIST

"Why do you kiss ass so much?"

"Why are you such a fuckboy?"

It’s another one of those Fridays wherein you spend your after-school time to make up for requirements and pass all your different projects. You’d consider postponing everything and procrastinating but with your exams later in the month, it just wasn’t practical to do so. You’re almost done packing your stuff and heading home, out of this hell hole, until the worst thing ever happens. The lights black out. Trying not to scream due to fear of the dark, you bring out your phone and turn on your flashlight, walking out the classroom and into the corridor. “Hello? Is anybody there?” Your voice echoes throughout the maze of hallways yet you are met with no response. Fear slowly creeps into your veins and heightens when you check your phone to see that there is absolutely no signal in the area. Your feet take slow steps and you’re turning around to pick up your bag from the doorway when- “What the hell are you still doing here?” There’s a deep, husky voice that surprises you from behind causing you to jump up. When you turn around to flash your phone’s light on the person, you clutch your chest where your heart is to see it’s the biggest nuisance of your high school- Jeon Jungkook. You let out a breath, partially relieved. “I could ask you the same thing.” You retort, feeling less frightened now that you have company. He nods, muttering something along the lines of ‘you have a point’. Every step of his elicits a rather audible sound so you begin to follow him with your bag hanging loosely on your left shoulder. “Where are we going?”

“To the main entrance. How else are we gonna get out of here?” He answers, setting his own pace. “But seriously, why are you still here? It’s a damn Friday, for god’s sake.” You explain the reason behind your extended stay to which he scoffs loudly, calling you a nerd and telling you to chill the fuck out because it’s still three weeks before the finals. “Unlike you,” you begin, ready to defend your beliefs. “Some people don’t want to cram.” This makes him laugh loudly and you quirk up an eyebrow. “As if I’ll even do any of the work needed.” Eyes rolling, you stay silent because what else were you expecting as a response from him? You walk side by side wordlessly and eventually reach the front doors of your building, Jungkook pushing them forward yet to both of your dismay, they don’t budge. A string of curses leave his mouth and you begin to panic once again, worried about how you’re gonna get out. “Fuck!” He yells, kicking the side of the left door. “Fuck Taehyung and his stupid fucking dares! Fuck!” With the faint light coming from outside you get to see him ruffle his hair in frustration. Throughout his outburst you remain quiet, experiencing a far more intense mental breakdown. A few moments later, he notices how eerily quiet you are. “The hell is going on with you?” “We have to get out. We have to get out.” Your voice comes out in alarmed whispers and he finally grabs your wrist, starting to run. You don’t know where you’re even going at this point because your mind is running a mile a minute and so are you. When he reaches another set of doors, he’s relieved to see that they’re unlocked and all of a sudden, you’re greeted with fresh air. You can make out the view in front of you due to the faint lights around the area. It’s your football field and your track oval, bleachers surrounding the majestic training ground. “Thank god- air.” He says, spreading out his arms. While you pant beside him, he begins to shout once again- “Fuck you, Kim Taehyung!” “What did he do to you and why are you so mad?” You finally ask after having the query lingering in your head for a few minutes now. He smirks and tells you about how he was bribed by his friend with money to find a jersey in the locker room yet on his way back out, the lights just shut on him. At the end of his story, both of you situate yourselves on the third level of bleachers and try to accept the fact that you might have to stay there for the rest of the warm yet windy night. “You’re Y/N, right?” He suddenly blurts out and you hum in response. “Why do you kiss ass so much?” His blunt question takes you aback and you don’t know what else to say except a defensive “Excuse me?”

At this point, he leans back on the metal of the next level of seats and eggs you on. To his surprise, you simply ask him another question to avoid the topic. You might rip your hair out if you’re gonna be stuck with him for the night. “Why are you such a fuckboy?” He tilts his head to the side and gives an impressed look. “That’s touche. Unlike you though, I’ll actually answer the question.” He pretends to ponder for a while before continuing. “Good looks, good body, every girl’s after me. Why not?” You sigh and he reacts- “What? Were you expecting a different answer?” “No,” you shake your head exasperatedly. “that was the exact answer I knew I was going to get if I even got one.” Jungkook grins at you and for the first time you actually do see the kind of smile that everyone else falls for except you aren’t that shallow. You finally understood, though, why so many people chased after this boy.

“I checked the bulletin on the way here and the football team’s heading over at five or six in the morning to train for whatever tournament they have coming. I’ll probably beat Tae up or something but I just thought you should know.” You groan, seeing that it’s only 7:49 pm and you’d have to wait around 9 more hours. “Are you positive there’s no other way of getting out this place?” He laughs. “Believe me, this isn’t the first time I was stuck in here overnight. I guess I’m blessed though, since I actually have another person with me this time.” “I know this is as good of a place we’re gonna be able to stay in for the next ten hours at least but I’m kind of hungry so would you fancy coming to the cafeteria with me to steal some food? I’m pretty sure they’ve got something good there.” He invites and you get up. You take his hand and lift yourself up. “Let’s go. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEON JUNGKOOK I LOVE U !!! okay this was a very impulsive thing to do but I was like oh hey mc x jk stuck in school at night wonder how that’s gonna turn out… so bam here you have the stuck series feat a fuckboy jungkook tell me what you think and send me requests pls im a sucker for requests thanks idk when ill update next hope this gets a single note peace out that gif killed me

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yuichiroswife · 6 years

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im too lazy to switch accounts but cpdwkwep yuichiroswife B) (and childoflegend)

Send Me A URL and I’ll Respond With My Opinions...

@childoflegend

Roleplaying/Writing

My favorite muse(s) of theirs and why: I honestly don’t know what muse of Kyra’s is my favorite. There’s too many of them.

My favorite interaction/thread of theirs: Umm... favorite interaction/thread that Kyra had involving Rin was probably with Rise even though that’s also Kyra.

My thoughts on their unique characterization/interpretation of their muse(s): I can’t really give to much about this since Rin is an OC and only the creator can play the OC perfectly unless they have another practice as said OC, but despite what everyone thinks about Rin, he’s quite the troublemaker.

My thoughts on their writing style as a whole: Kyra’s writing style is pretty decent in my opinion, probably a lot better than mine, haha.

Situation(s)/Plot(s) I’d love to see their muse(s) in: How about one where Rin actually stops hating himself and is happy?

Someone else I love seeing them interact with: Hmm... I enjoy seeing Rin interact with bathory-yuuri.

Anything else I want to say about their roleplaying: YOU ANGST TOO MUCH, CHILD.

If We Know Each Other

What I Think Are Their Best Qualities: Kyra’s kindness and procrastination skills.

What I Think Are Their Strengths: How easily she brushes off her haters when involving South Park.

A Memorable OOC Interaction Of Ours: I don’t know since we haven’t had too many.

Why Others Should RP With Them: Gigantic meme. Enough said.

How Others Should Approach Them: Go and say “Y U MEME, CHILD?”

Anything else I want to say about them: Smol bean who gets too much crap from her IRL family.

If We Have/Plan To Interact Together

A plot I’d like to write with them: Something that doesn’t involve one of our muses having a mental/emotional breakdown.A muse I want to introduce to them: *throws Mika’s parents at Kyra* Here, enjoy your grandparents, smol lemon.A ship/broship I’d like to propose to them: It’d be a father/son ship since Rin is Mika’s little bab.A thread with them I’m excited about: I don’t have any current threads with Kyra at the moment.Anything else I want to say: I had something in mind but then I spaced out, so I’m just going to say, don’t space out like I do.

Rebloggers, be sure to pick one of the below

This meme applies to:

[ ] Mutuals Only [ ] Only if we’ve interacted [ X ] Everyone

//How the heckie do I do one for myself? *flails arms* I’m gonna put that under a keep reading cause ew Speka.

Send Me A URL and I’ll Respond With My Opinions...

Roleplaying/Writing

My favorite muse(s) of theirs and why: I can’t pick a favorite muse that I have because I absolutely love them all.

My favorite interaction/thread of theirs: I love all of my interactions/threads with everyone.

My thoughts on their unique characterization/interpretation of their muse(s): Speka’s Mika could use a lot more work and act more in character than he currently is.

My thoughts on their writing style as a whole: Trash, utter filth. Who let this person tackle the art of writing?

Situation(s)/Plot(s) I’d love to see their muse(s) in: I wanna see my muses in every situation/plot they can be in.

Someone else I love seeing them interact with: Uh... I personally love seeing myself interact with Anne’s Ferid.

Anything else I want to say about their roleplaying: Get better with your writing you piece of trash. Ew.

If We Know Each Other

What I Think Are Their Best Qualities: Speka has no qualities that can be considered the best.

What I Think Are Their Strengths: What strengths? You mean the way she keeps herself isolated from everyone? That’s totally not so she doesn’t get hurt.

A Memorable OOC Interaction Of Ours: My best out of character interactions are my crack posts.

Why Others Should RP With Them: They shouldn’t. There are better Mika’s out there.

How Others Should Approach Them: Throw something at them and shout something at them.

Anything else I want to say about them: GET A LIFE YOU BUM!

If We Have/Plan To Interact Together

A plot I’d like to write with them: I wanna write every plot to ever be written.A muse I want to introduce to them: SHOW ME EVERY MUSE YOU HAVE.A ship/broship I’d like to propose to them: Ship my muses with everyone please, I’m a shipping whore.A thread with them I’m excited about: I get excited about every thread.Anything else I want to say: I’m finally done talking about this dumpster. Let’s get back to the good stuff.

Rebloggers, be sure to pick one of the below

This meme applies to:

[ ] Mutuals Only [ ] Only if we’ve interacted [ x ] Everyone

#//Out of Vampirism #//I'm very harsh on myself guys #grownnevr

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emanresusi-blog · 7 years

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Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

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enuui · 7 years

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#i really need to rant right now.#so so so ok im a terrible person #basically ive had a week long break and finals in a few days #and ive procrastinated my shitty self to pieces #and ive finally hit that oh crap moment #and i just feel like total shit??? like if i had just been a bit more productive i wouldnt get like this #and the thing is this has happened before and i tried opening up to my mom and she just keeps reminding me of it #as if i dont remind myself of my own failures every day #and i KNOW i should have listened and idk DONE WORK during my break but now im sitting here about to have a second mental breakdown because #how do i fix this i dont want to be living with this constant state of stress #i want to take four high level classes next year and i dont know if i could haNDLE IT NOW #and if i try to open up to anybody about this problem theyll just be like oh just get over it :)) be more productive :))#IM TRYING DAMMIT #im goddamn trying but its so damn hard and i know i shouldnt give into temptation but i procrastinate so damn much and its taking and menta #i have to lie to people to make them think ive been productive when i havent been #AND I HAVE FUCKIN FINALS #so there #ok wow i feel a little better at least #whoever it is that reads this thank you #im gonna do something now to help me get out of this ditch #i need to do something about this #ok well im stuck in this situation now and i just need to get out of it #ive done it before #someone please tell me how to not be a shitty human being i #i dont know how to grow up #im so scared of growing up #and i feel like i have no one to turn to sometimes because even my best friend gives me the same advice as always to just do it :))#i need someone or something to hold me accountable and knock some sense into me #i think im done now #i feel like ive spilled my guts here

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skyteglad · 5 years

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do all the flower asks too you little heathen

Alisons: Sexuality? pansexual!! i used to go with demirom pansexual but pan alone is good enough

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? he/him, it/its is okay too! bigender but also i’m?? leaning towards just trans masc at this point?

Amaryllis: Birthday? dec 11!

Anemone: Favorite flower? oh fuck uhhhh chrysanthemum but only bc i love that word?? i like how flowers look a lot tho

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show? oh shit fuck uh. there’s a lot but soul eater, desperate housewives, and heroes are three i can think of rn

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger? i have no clue what this question means!!

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes? h

Aubrieta: Favorite drink? soda… root beer, sunkist, and (currently) dr. pepper?

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baneberries: Favorite song? THERE’S… A LOT OF THEM, OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD THOUGH, FIRST TO COME TO THOUGHT? between the bars by chris garneau

Basket of Gold: Describe your family. they’re actually pretty good? like, really good. not perfect, though. i still haven’t come out to them, but they’re very good in comparison to many other parents

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it? imma go w my irl besties bryson and alyssa they’re fantastic, love them

Begonia: Favorite color? this is hard? i love colors??? fuck? i’ll just go with color combo instead here, which is a tie between red/black/white, and brown/teal/white

Bellflower: Favorite animal? I HAVE A LOT. CATS, DEER, AXOLOTLS??

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person? night

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be? cat cat cat cat cat

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? teacher, lawyer, forensic psychologist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children? love them! they deserve kindness in the world and it makes me sad as hell knowing not all of them have that. no child is inherently evil, they’re still forming and changing and growing, and there’s still a chance to help them be a good person

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why? oh man, lots of things. i’ll go with… *spins the wheel* … abandonment! and yeah lol it’s bc losing people is scary and terrible

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood. not a fact abt my childhood but apparently i was born with an anxiety disorder lol

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth? question too deep, pass

Buttercup: Relationship Status? **MARRIED** i’m not married but i’m happily taken by two of the best people to ever exist ever???

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go? SEE MY BOY NORSKI

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved? when i’m around my bfs and they’re being cozy and gay and sweet

Canna: Do you have any tattoos? nope!

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? nope!

California Poppy: Height? fuck you! i’m 4'11

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts? sure do babey!

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? pajama pants, socks that are too tight, a tank top, and my bfs heart player hoodie

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight? yes i still do lol

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged? cotton :D

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed? cotton!

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? fuck uhhhhhh yes

Columbine: Are you tired? lol ya

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to? LOVE BOYS LOVE BOYS LOVE BOYS

Coneflower: Dream job? forensic psychologist :c

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert? introvert!

Crocus: Have you ever been in love? this was already asked but YES

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about? ALL THE WAY ALL THE WAY

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it? UHHH YYYESSS???? imma go w booger bear, a green bear… shade of boogers

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign? sagittarius!

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering? i… guess? maybe??? not really imo but idk!

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment? i have no braincells rn so pass

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? cry (they do like them tho thank fuck)

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to? COTTON AND NORSKI

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at? d…raw…?

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at? everything lol

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month? CON! HALLOWEEN SPOOKY STUFF! POTENTIAL MOUSE BABIES which is also a bad thing that happened but shh

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today? it’s been ok

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life? well… not exactly? i’m thrilled to be where i am w my bfs, i’m thrilled that i’ve grown and gotten through some bad trauma, but i want to be doing more, i want to feel accomplished, so.. i’m not :c

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two? FUCKING MOVE.

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life? oh fuck numbers. 1-2) cotton and norski 3) lee!!! 4) my family 3) my friends 4) there’s more but i have no braincells so :p

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? nothing

Hellebore: How do you show affection? many

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of? :D.. i don’t rememeber

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day. shrug

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time? drrrawww??? procrastinate lol

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them? i’ll go w alyssa! almost 16 years, it was in kindergarten! my aunt had lied abt mama bringing me lunch so i was left kind of just… without any and alyssa stayed behind while i ate when everyone went to recess :’) we also just shared a class but still

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything? cotton and norski

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have? bitch? how am i supposed to know?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? hhhhhh

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself? suck

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? i give a shit about others

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? i give a shit about certain others :\

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child? draw

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid? alyssa

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for? SO MANY THINGS HHH JUST. BEING A THOUGHTLESS BITCH.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about? retaliating against my abusers and saying harmful things to them while they were basically cornering me bc i had a breakdown and that was ‘rude’ somehow.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name? bc im trash! and it means 'thunderous skies’ (i found out that skylar is a popular/overused trans guy name and now i’m sad at myself but also fuck u i love the name skylar it stays as my middle)

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it. texas lol i havent moved out of the city ive lived in my whole life

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up? its never been personalized… it’s… just a bed, a tv (not anymore but thats ok) and thats it. currently its two beds but, again, thats it

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? depression!

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom. shes great!! she sucks sometimes and doesn’t understand my boundaries at all (maybe she does and just purposefully ignores them), and she babies me to fucking hell, but she’s very very nice and tries her best and i appreciate her

Onions: Tell about your dad. we don’t mention him he’s a piece of shit :\ my step dad’s great tho lol

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents. ging and popo are treasures to this earth

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable? i don’t want to talk about that.

Peony: What was your first job? haven’t had it yet

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any? COTTON: MET HIM IN A HOMESTUCK KIN SERVER. NORSKI: COTTON’S OLD FRIEND, INTRODUCED US. the first thing i ever said to him was great…

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain? i don’t.

Pink: Where is home? where the heart is uwu

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? terrible people from hurting millions of others.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them. norski tbh? he’s so talented and brave and has done so much in life. he’s not perfect but he’s grown so much and tried so hard to do good and i’m so proud of him and admire him a lot

Primrose: Describe your ideal life. no mental illness, with financial stability, and also the world wouldn’t have fucking oppression and harm in it tbh.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child? THAT BUTTERFLIES WERE VENOMOUS AND IF IT TOUCHED U U’D DIE.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life? norski and cotton… and also lee

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? my bfs’ voices

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory? most memories of good times we’ve had

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory? :) pass

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? TO CUDDLE MY FUCKING HUSBANDS. also to go pee i’m gonna go pee intermission break here pee break done

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? :D hard!

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? norski or cotton hh

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night? uhhhh a good amount???

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning? staying in bed hurts my body

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job? that i wish i had one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing? i have a rly hot hoodie now…

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. EDGY BUT COLORFUL

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you? stuffed animals… esp pokemon ones (or video games)

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now? life :D!!!!

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called? I DON’T READ HHHHHHH

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year? living with cotton like… permanently (also spending time w norski irl!!!!!!!!! pls!)

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is? :)

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself. I DON’T HAVE A BRAIN RN

#marcotton #RIOT.TXT

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