#spreadsheet of doom

[absolutebl]

First, I love all your reviews and recommendations but now my list of watched shows is getting too long and I need to organise them. Can you please give me more information on how you set up your spreadsheet. I have name, country, year, number of episodes, run time, my rating, what else should I include? Please help me organise this BL list nightmare.

BL Tracking! 

OMG you're so cute. And I am SO SORRY. 

The spreadsheet of doom has columns for the following:

code - that’s a short search code for me personally so I can find screen caps stored on my hd, but also the one you see @heretherebedork and I (in particular) using as shorthand when we chat, e.g. UWMA & FUTS.

MDL - whether the show is on My Drama List or not (Y, N, na, and R) na = Vietnam & Cambodia, R = I reviewed it. (I also use MDL as a kind of back up and because I track all the other Asian dramas I watch there, although I don’t rate the het stuff) - you probubly don’t need this one if you don’t watch VBL or use MDL. I’m considering deleting this column since it’s redundant. 

year - generally the year the show is given on MDL (release year, rather than completed year), which conflicts with when I post and talk about shows - i.e. Bad Buddy I consider a 2022 show (when it ended), MDL lists it as 2021 (when it started) 

title - generally the one we talk about it here (as opposed to whatever MDL or Viki decides on)

subtitle (or alternate title) - the other one 

origin - who produced it, I pick the dominant language for those co-produced, so Korea got Peach of Time, Taiwan got Because of You, Thailand got Present Perfect (there are so few of these I keep track of them in a post rather then on the spreadsheet) 

rating - in my case, out of 10, i dislike an out of 5 rating system

apx hrs - so this is my best guess at the finished hour total FRESH content for each series, since (for me) length of treatment is important to track when answering wave data and exponential growth questions 

length - this is the column needed to calculate the previous one, so it’s: number of episodes X length of episode - average % of credits/recaps/stingers sponsors (usually around 22%)  

main trope - so like the major romance trope foundation of the story, enemies to lovers etc... 

sub trope - cohabitation, paranormal, etc... 

setting - home, office, r&b (restaurant & beverage), university, high school, historical 

pair tone - pining, crush, soft, hard, etc... 

main pair - grumpy/sunshine, sunshine/tsundere etc... AKA archetypes in play 

couple - the names of the two lead characters 

heat - rated from 0-3

kiss - graded from 1-10 

sub paring - side dishes 

sub pairing couple - names of the side dishes 

kiss - the side couple’s rating 

source - which platform is hosting the show

link - to that show at it’s current source (that I know of) 

MDL - a link to the show on My Drama List 

R - whether I personally have digital hard copy or not, and whether I want to 

trigger - any notes I have about traumatic elements 

pitch - my short paragraph summation, if I wrote one 

review link - a link to my review on tumblr 

more - anything I don’t have a column for 

Things I wish I included from the start!

DATE I FINISHED WATCHING IT - because I didn't track this I failed to track my own taste and journey through the genre (MDL tracks this for me, now, but I didn’t have an MDL account at the start) 

actor couple/ship name - like OffGun etc... only recently has become necessary since prior to this they had maxed out at 3 

language or caption/translation notes/links etc... - this would mostly be for the Thai stuff for me, but like there’s a great convo about the language used in DNA on one of my blog posts right now and I wish I had a place to store that info 

directors - specifically because of Vietnamese BL, otherwise MDL mostly tracks this so not necessarily except for sorting reasons 

native language title - as in, in the script of the country of origin, or in the case of Japan YET ANOTHER title (I could also use this column to track things like MAMEverse, or Japan’s linked movies) - again MDL has this info 

adaptation - if it was from a manga, manwha, or y-novel and who wrote it - MDL has this info tho 

OTS - not me, but you might want to consider this since it’s a popular topic, if you happen to be into the audio side of BL tracking the MV of the theme songs might be useful  

Production house/studio - used to be there were so few it didn’t matter what their records was, now it does 

My memory is SO SO bad ya’ll. Now the spreadsheet acts as a brain back up devise too. 

I also color code:

blue for ones I am going to try to get hold of hc,

red for ones in progress (currently airing),

grey for short works (anything that’s fh total is under 45min).

pink for ones I just can not find

So my spreadsheet was designed originally for tracking wave data, hence my prioritized intersted in calculating length and run times of fresh content, then I evolved it to be a review tracking system. But that wasn’t how it started. So it’s messier and less comprehensive than I’d like for its current use. (But honestly, that’s the nature of ALL long running data sets.) 

But at 400+ is now too large for me to modify from memory, and 80% of BL I never want to watch again, so it takes a lot to add a new column now. 

Tabs 

I also have a tab where I track my rating system. 

And a tab where I track my tumblr posts and reviews and such. I started doing that because I am terrible at tagging (and tumblr keeps shadow banning tags and I can never remember which ones are “safe”) so I just could never find anything in my own blog. I needed to do this because people would ask the same question here. 

Speaking of which, I’ve actually answered this question before. But I didn’t track it, to my shame. 

When I do this:

(source)

at the bottom of a post it means I am tracking that post for reuse/update. 

Other tabs that might have been useful

A tracking tab for announced/never made BLs with notes and sources of information. Or for the “coming next year” BLs. 

Currently I keep this info as part of my big end of year summation post as a draft here on this platform, but I’m petrified Tumblr will delete that or otherwise crash. It’s a MONSTER post while it’s in progress. 

#asked and answered #spreadsheet of doom #bl spreadsheet #tracking system #just bl stuff #thai bl #asian bl #drama tracking

[just-some-guy-joust]

what was the funniest nomination / funniest reasons for nomination?

I do not want anyone making fun of this person because in their description they said they were super serious about it, but somebody sent in Charlie Brown and it's been haunting me

#they have a point #asks #doomed by the narrative showdown #i was saving this ask for when i had time to go over the whole spreadsheet but #man there's a lot of submissions i'm not going over the whole thing just for this AISUDHLAIUSH

[blmpff]

Finally got around to making my own Spreadsheet of Doom, it's for the shows wrapping up and airing in 2024, and I literally had to make a separatate one for all the filler shows I just fast forward through, because there are so many of them, and I didn't want to have an inflated watch time lol

I do not have the patience nor the attention span for stuff that doesn't spark my interest, and all of that gets >>> so that I just get the general gist of what's going on. 40-60min episodes can take me 5-15min to go through so it would just be unfair.

#lets see if i can keep updating it till the end of the year AHAHAHAHAHA #my first spreadsheet of doom ever #blmpff rumbles

[zahri-melitor]

25 issues in this readthrough to go. I can’t quite believe it.

- finished Azrael Vol 2, Streets of Gotham, ‘Tec and Batman.

- Still got bits of B&R, RR, BoP and Batgirl to go.

- saving Gates of Gotham for LAST last.

And then I’ll be DONE and goodness knows what I do next. More post-Crisis? Move onto some of the nu!52 content I’ve been eyeing off? More Rebirth/Dawn of DC content to be able to pick up ongoings right now? Just jump in and read some random stuff off my list of ‘things to try’?

#z canon read throughs #I can show off the spreadsheet of doom if people are interested #cannot recommend enough having a silly little spreadsheet to keep track of where your reading fits in chronologically

[liaroflesbos]

also freaky that the call recording in ep 6 was from only three days before the episode is set... Needles is out there harrassing emergency responders right now

#tmp #tmp spoilers #tmp ep 6 #i have started another spreadsheet of doom #on the one hand i'm glad i'm starting early cuz than i can see more and contribute more #but there is so little data that my heart is now empty

[elgaberino-mcoc]

spreadsheet cleanup VALERIA RICHARDS/VON DOOM

ComicVine: 603 issues Fandom: 395 appearances, 27 variants 2 video games

many of her appearances are childhood supporting character, but she is super-intelligent and some stories provide [MCOC champ design] kit material 

[Valeria is] high priority for @MCOCwishlist

- Other Gabe

prompted by this

#Valeria Richards #Marvel Girl #Latveria #Doctor Doom science #Richards family #high priority #psion #reality #adolescent #super intelligence #inventor #time travel #female #tournament fodder #series Other Gabe's spreadsheet cleanup Fall 2022

[clunelover]

Ah that feeling of mingled horror, and delight in getting to the bottom of things, that comes from finding out that someone has a whole process of taking your dashboard, that updates daily, and applying a million different combinations of filters and COPY PASTING summary data from the dashboard into Excel.

#oh my god I could scream #i caught you motherfucker! #i actually think I’ve seen this spreadsheet of doom before #but didn’t grasp what I was even looking at #cause if I had I’d have said something

[fairytalesandfandoms]

wavering over whether to delete my Goodreads account (and if I’m doing that I should probably delete Storygraph as well, as the point is to get rid of nagging TBR lists, although Storygraph somehow feels more chill than Goodreads?)

#stuff in my life #clearly deleting individual books is going to be a pain in the arse #and it hasn't sunk in yet that i also got rid of my film and tv spreadsheet of doom

[stillarchivingdnp]

Youtuber Tour Data

i spent a month researching over 100 youtuber tours to see if dan and phil out-did everyone else (spoiler: they did all three times)

here are the top 5 tours based on attendance:

Interactive Introverts - Dan & Phil (2018) - 239,704

The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire - Dan & Phil (2015- 2016) - 208,800

We're All Doomed - Daniel Howell (2022- 2024) - 169,760

DanTDM On Tour (2017) - 137,350

Kurtis Conner Live! (2022- 2023) - 131,170

See my full spreadsheet HERE

FUN FACTS! Venues a part of all three of Dan & Phil's tours !!

Santander Performing Arts Center - Reading, PA

Brighton Dome - Brighton, England

Orpheum Theatre - Minneapolis, MN

Symphony Hall - Birmingham, England

Au-Rene Theater - Ft Lauderdale, FL

Waterfront Hall - Belfast, Ireland

#dan and phil #wad #doomed tour #we're all doomed #tatinof #the amazing tour is not on fire #ii #interactive introverts #youtuber tours #youtuber tour #youtuber tour data #kurtis conner #dantdm #resourses #data

[pilot-boi]

Have you done a pallet swap between Penny and Pyrrha?

Two would be Maidens that were doomed from the start

Also did Pyrrha and Neo, they’re coming later :]

Swap Spreadsheet

#rwby #penny polendina #pyrrha nikos #mine #asks #a fantastic time #anonymous #palette swap #my edits

[therobotmonster]

Let's talk about Toys in Cereal

This is a part of several posts of mine that have gotten big, but I figure it's best to address the phenomenon itself in a new post.

If you want to just browse a ton of cool old cereal toys once we're done, go to: www.cratercritters.com. It's a neat site.

Cereal toys are a long-standing American tradition. Some tag-questions asked if they went away because of greed or because of regulations, and that's complicated.

There are food regulations that complicate things. You may have heard that Kinder Eggs are not legal in the US.

This is usually framed as a "fear the stupid American Kids will eat the toy" kind of thing. This is not the case.

The actual regulation that blocks the Kinder Egg is about food safety from bacterial and undisclosed allergen contamination. Inserting a baggie with a toy into that exposes everything in the cereal bag to the outside of the toy package, and that's a no-no in the US market. The rare thing we're more strict about than the EU.

But that doesn't affect cereal toys, because they can get around it by having it in a separate package outside the food bag, between the inner back and the cardboard box. Much easier on the parents to find when you open the box, too.

Kinder has, themselves, addressed the US Kinder Egg problem the same way, with the Kinder Joy.

Splitting the package. into two sections that are individually sealed.

But a big blow to the practice was the end of the Australian R&L Toy Company.

R&L made tons of simple pack-in Premium toys from the 60s through the 80s. They were the primary supplier to Kelloggs, and made everything from simple one-piece figurines to little build-yourself-action-toys.

For instance, these "Wacky Walkers" worked by tying a string to the figure and the weight, then dropping the weight off a table. The figures would hobble forward on their feet, pulled by the weight. Neat-o!

Then there's stuff like these Toolybirds. I'd sell any one of you to the goblin king for a set of these, because I sure can't afford them at $25 apiece or more. I'll probably just make some dinosaur-knockoff version or somesuch to 3d print, eventually.

R&L went out of business in the 80s and its molds were sold to a toy manufacturing company in Mexico that produced their stuff as bag toys for awhile, before everything just faded away.

Meanwhile, the cereal market was forced to contract elsewhere without a devoted company doing essentially just that.

Liscenses came to the rescue. Fun fact, if you wanted toys from most of the Disney Afternoon, your only hope was Kellogg's.

As time went on, you started even getting software in cereal.

Chex gave out a free, PG-version of DOOM for free. Not a couple of demo levels, a whole game, run on the doom engine, with aliens you zap with a spoon.

But as time went on, companies got less and less into the idea of enticing with freebies, and parents started objecting to the marketing of sugar cereals with toy surprises, because given the opportunity, most parents will blame the company for making something the kid wants for their unwillingness to say "No."

The eternal conflict:

Cool thing the kid would enjoy that you might have to put your foot down over because enforcing moderation is a parent's job, verses unobjectionable conformist mush designed to increase your kids' "goodness levels."

I think the banning of cartoon mascots for snacks in certain countries is also ridiculous.

Thing is, any company could bring them back at any time.

The Monster cereals did figurines of their mascots in cosplay in 2021. Of course, they did it as a limited edition bullshit thing where the actual monster cereal mascots were chase figures, but they made them, they could do them at any time if they wanted to.

They could bring the magic back. Nothing is stopping them.

'cept there's no room for joy on the spreadsheet.

Gotta hit you with a little ennui. It's that ambergris stink that makes the perfume truly sweet.

#cereal toys #R&L toys #the merch #prize in your cereal #cereal #kellogg's #monster cereals #count chocula

[absolutebl]

BL Streaming - Which Service is Worth Your Money?

I’m bored and I have a little extra time this morning so it’s time for ABL to play with the spreadsheet of doom. 

Occasionally I get the question: 

If I were to subscribe to only one platform for BL which should I pick? 

This post is dated May 2023. 

First things first. I am going to be (somewhat) objective about this and not judge on quality of content. Because if KinnPorsche is all you love in life, obvs you need iQIYI, but if you are a HIStory franchise stan, than it’s all about Viki. Those are your life choices, I’m just here to play numbers games, okay? 

Secondly, some shows air on multiple platforms, particularly Viki & Gaga, but sometimes it’s Gaga & YouTube, occasionally it’s even iQIYI + others. This has only started happening in the last few years. Bed Friend was on 3 different platforms (GaGa, iQIYI, YT) - even though it was originally announced for Viki! I honestly don’t know how to track this, so I tend to log the spreadsheet with my preferred watching platform for that language, this will throw the numbers off for those platforms. 

Since I join everything my platform preference choice is based on:  

the quality of the subs/captions   

the quality of the user experience  

My subs experience tends to be: 

YT = best for Thai

Viki = best for Korean and sometimes Japanese, okay for Thai

Gaga = best for Chinese and sometimes Japanese but very weak Thai subs

My user interface preference is: 

YT, Viki, Gaga in that order then everyone else with iQIYI at the bottom. This is because I watch on mobile devices. 

ASplay, WeTV, former Line, Amarin TV, Netflix and the other smaller suppliers (and apps) will all be grouped together for this assessment. Since they have so few offerings, by default I would not recommend subbing those platforms unless you are a hard stan of all BL with disposable income. 

Super bad BLs that I watched back in the day on grey sites or YT (pre 2020 crack down) because there were no other options and I am a completest are still listed as grey. I would never suggest anyone watch these shows anyway, so I don’t care if they have now shown up on legitimate sites. If they are somewhere, it’s likely Gaga. Which means Gaga’s percentage of the market share is probably UNDER reported by my numbers. 

Movies and cinema-only releases that never got international distribution fall into the “grey” category. If I got it off an indie subber, since that too is technically illegal, it falls into the grey category as well. 

Final note: This is from a USA based IP, I don’t use a VPN, so platforms assessments are from that perspective. 

Spring 2023, current state of the spreadsheet. AKA 

Our BL Data Set 

Total # of BLs = 564

# of BLs ongoing (so finished runtime is best guess) = 18 

Just Answer the Damn Question 

Round Number of Actual BLs - % of market share

YouTube = 218 - 38.6%

Gaga = 148 - 26.2% 

Viki = 77 - 13.7% 

Grey = 53 - 9.4% 

BLs I’ve never been able to find on any platform (including grey): 36 - 6.4% 

iQIYI = 14 - 2.5% 

Other platforms = 12 - 2.2% 

Margin of error: +- 1% (look I’m just not driven to be that accurate here)

Subscription Platforms Breakdown  - % of market share

Eliminating YouTube, Grey, and missing BLs. Viki is included because I do not know which of theirs are behind the paywall and which are not. 

Total subscribe-only BLs: 257 

Gaga = 59%

Viki = 30%

iQIYI = 6%

Sml sites/apps = 5%

(rounded) 

Okay but how about actual runtime? 

Gaga = 360 hrs - 44% 

Viki = 311 hrs - 38% 

iQIYI = 98 hrs - 12% 

Sml sites = 50 hrs - 6%

Anyway you cut it... on pure BL standards...

GAGAOOLALA WINS 

Other consideration? In most places Gaga is ALSO the cheapest per month option. 

Final Thoughts

YouTube (America’s Alphabet) 

YT has the most pieces of content and longest overall runtime because of all the Thai stuff. ALSO bootlegs show up there, especially the early Chinese and Japanese stuff. They will often get taken down and you have to hunt for it again. YT takedowns come in waves, every 6 months or so.

However, GMMTV, some Star Hunter, some Studio Wabi Sabi, all the Vietnamese & Pinoy stuff (until now), and a few choice bits of Strongberry are YT content.

YT’s app is the best UX of a poor set (for me), but the web based YT at Premium level doesn’t work with Firefox. I use YT for work A LOT, so the fee for Premium ($13.99) and lack of ads + downloads (travel) is worth it for me, but I think it probubly isn’t if you’re on a budget. 

GaGaOOLaLa (Taiwan’s Portico Media) 

Of the pay to play platforms, GaGa dominates with the most BLs by all metrics. If you’re intersted in darker BL, GL and other queer content, very high heat, the history of the genre, or Japanese stuff - most of that is on GaGa. Also all of Strongberry and some of the newer queerer series (like My Ride).  

At $6.99 a month it’s ALSO one of the cheapest options. 

Gaga is based out of Taiwan, the only Asian country with marriage equality (as of 2022) AND it specializes in exclusively queer content so they need our support. If you can afford them, you should support them. GaGa is the only platform that will always have more BL, guaranteed (so long as Taiwan is autonomous). Ironically, you can follow their YT channel for previews and teasers to their latest series, short content, and acquisitions. 

Their app isn’t great, but their web-based interface is fine. That said: there’s no categories (way to organize), and the way they roll out new episodes is unintuitive. Their mobile app ALWAYS pauses not mater what you actually want it to do and the lack of the quick skip ahead is frustrating. 

Viki (Japan’s Rakutan)

Viki specializes in longer series, mostly Thai, Taiwanese, and a few of the Chinese bromances. It also now has a lot of KBLs. But in general only more recent stuff (2018 is as far back as they go).

At $4.99-$11.99 depending, it’s low to average cost. I’m not sure which one (if any) you actually need for BL. Most of my favorite new shows tend to air on Viki, and I like Rakutan as a parent company, so I don’t mind supporting them. 

They happen to have 5 of my top ten BLs, which is A LOT (since I hand out 10/10 so rarely). So for me they host the objective best BL content. 

They have the second best app (after YT, it’s kinda a combo of YT + Netflix) but the lack of a speed-up option is frustrating for many. Also the desktop version is super buggy. But they DO have categories you can name and control, which I love.

Other Platforms 

iQIYI - is Mainland China based (hello Baidu, you ugly fucker), so the platform getting/pimping BL for an international audience only is… how do I put this?… oh yeah: shitty. I will often rename it Icky, for this reason. It clearly wants to break the market, but… do we want it in the market at all? How long will they host BLs? When will they be shut down and censored? I would say it’s only worth it if you really also like Chinese dramas. And even so, Viki also has A LOT of those. Unfortunately for us, Wabi Sabi seems to have cut a distribution deal with Icky. And, of course, there is the KinnPorsche situation (so ironic that Icky hosts the highest heat). The interface is a nightmare. They have the WORST app, even when you pay, it serves ads, some of which alpha crash the platform. 

Netflix - here in the states it almost never has new BL content. Sometimes some old stuff. They tested the waters with SOTUS and Love Sick. I have a feeling they aren’t particularly intersted in this market. So if BL is what you watch, don’t bother. At last check they still had Gameboys and Your Name Engraved Herein and Wish You. 

WeTV - acts like LineTV used to, has Manner of Death and We Best Love and a few of the more obscure Thai pulps. But probably not worth it for anyone but a completest. 

Grey - Unknown or No Distributor 

Indie subbers: there’s some BLs that you can watch by supporting indie subbers who supply private links to their personal versions. This is not legal, but it is a slightly nicer way to get stuff you can’t find anywhere else. I’ve done this for some Thai and Japanese stuff.

I find the leads for these sources here on Tumblr. If someone is giffing and talking about a show and I don’t know how they are getting hold of it, I simply ask.

DramaCool (USA) & Dailymotion (France) & Bilibili (China) and others - AKA the grey space. You SHOULD feel guilty using these sites, you’re stealing, but it’s where many of us go for BL we can’t find anywhere else (in defiance of what few morals we have left). These are BLs that originally sold to very odd platforms or never got international distribution. Unfortunately, some of my favorites are in this category like Great Men Academy or Seven Days. It’s a nightmare. The ads are terrible and the virus/bug risk is high. They get taken down all the time. Or the leads are faked. I use an old computer to access and suggest you take all necessary precautions yourself.

P’ABL SOAP BOX TIME

Look I work tangential to the entertainment industry, so if you thought I wasn’t going to learn you a little on this subject, you got another think coming. 

HERE’S THE THING: 

You watch a show on one of the grey platforms, ESPECIALLY if it actually has distribution on Gaga or Viki - you better review that shit. You spread the word and advocate for that content here, on MDL, on social media, with fan art, I don’t care. You steal it, you find a way to pay back in your time and/or creativity. 

I get it if you’re poor, but don’t be a goddamn scab. Find a way to reward content creators with non-monetary support. If you had the time to watch the thing you stole, you have time to pay it forward in some substantial way. Do this even if you didn’t steal it but got it for free. Do this if you read fanfic. Do this with articles, blogs, books. Do this with podcasts. 

It isn’t hard to be a decent human and support creators. Don’t you dare just TAKE. If you’re that kind of person stop reading this blog immediately. I don’t want anything to do with you and you don’t deserve my words or my spreadsheet of Doom. 

/rant 

MORE ON THIS TOPIC WITH FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS

Original post on this subject that I adapted for this post. 

(source)

#where to find bl #all about bl #bl sources #bl platforms #ABL rants #BL spreadsheet activate #bl spreadsheet of doom #pay the creators #bl streaming #streaming services compared #DramaCool #Dailymotion #Bilibili #WeTV #Netflix #iQIYI #Viki #rakutan #Rakutan Viki #Japanese BL #Taiwanese BL #Thai BL #Korean BL #GaGaOOLaLa #Portico Media #YouTube #GaGa wins #ASplay #Amarin TV

[just-some-guy-joust]

last submission data fun fact before i pass out for the night, there were a total of 682 submissions with 414 characters between them

#wow those numbers are large!!! how did you people get in my house #i have one more ask in the inbox about stats but i gotta have access to the spreadsheet which i dont rn so ill get to that tomorrow #everyone behave while im asleep ok gn #doomed by the narrative showdown

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

listen this would be a nightmarish thing to play and I don't know why any reasonable DM would allow it but. playing a PC whose class is determined every day by rolling a d12 would be so something. why are they like this? idk, you tell me. pissed off a god, probably. you'd have to exclude one of the classes and in my mind artificer is the one to go but it's up to you, fell free to jettison whichever class you love the least. your stats always stay the same so some days you'll just be fucking doomed. you're built for strength and wisdom but you're a sorcerer today. die I guess. do you become a walking armory so that you'll always have a weapon you're proficient with or do you just suffer. 12 different subclasses to keep track of. can you even imagine. I'm aroused by spreadsheets but even I will acknowledge this is an awful concept.

[whataperfectwasteoftime]

What a Pair we Make

Pairing: Marcus Pike x f!Reader

Rating: E (explicit smut, 18+ only)

Word Count: 7.3k

Warnings: dd/lg dynamics (no age play, although he gives her lots of stuffed animals and cutesy things), daddy kink, spanking, kink negotiation, mentions of abusive relationships and bad childhood, edging/orgasm denial, PIV sex, fingering

Summary: A series of short scenes depicting a very loving growth and evolution of a dd/lg relationship with Marcus. 

A/N: There’s no plot to this. I just love, LOVE, LOVE writing conversations about kink negotiation and discussing kink and the cute sort of awkwardness they can carry. The following is just several related ‘slice of life’ scenes that don’t really connect other than the throughline of a kink relationship, inspired by some unhinged DMs with @littlebirdsbookshelf. It’s mostly soft, although there is some explicit smut in some scenes. Dividers are by @firefly-graphics. Please note: reader is explicitly coded as neurodivergent and has trouble communicating when upset, although no specific diagnosis is ever mentioned. 

A Further Note on Setting: There is a scene in which these two go to the National Zoo, but the actual zoo I’m describing is based on the one I regularly go to, both for plot conveniences and because I do not want to spend hours looking at a Zoo map to write my dumb stories. And because rays are cool.

Masterlist

You fume as you stalk into your building, slamming the elevator button several times in rapid succession, as if you could solve all of your problems by hitting this one button.

You’re not sure who you’re mad at. The VP of Sales, for giving you a very public dressing down for your “leadership” on the doomed project you were handed two months into your employment, that–shocker–ended up being implemented poorly, with not enough resources to achieve all of your goals? Your boss, who didn’t say a goddamn thing during the worst Zoom meeting of your life, not sticking up for you or standing up for her team?

Or are you mad at yourself for the sum of your small mistakes and missteps early on, caused both by lack of leadership support and your own naivete? Are you angry at your idealistic optimism, charging headfirst into this job and happily taking on new responsibilities, not understanding that you were being handed this project because no one in their right mind would want it? Or… are you upset because, at the most critical moment, you couldn’t manage to form the words to actually speak up for yourself, choking on your successes and looking like an idiot in a meeting where it felt like everyone was out to get you? 

Of course, the easiest punching bag is always you. You, who’s always struggled in one way or another with fitting in, and now the entire sales team knows your name and hates you. You, who’d bounced around from dead-end job to dead-end job before finally landing this first big break–a tiny little cog in a massive organization, where anonymity is your friend, and you hide in plain sight behind massive spreadsheets and reply-all emails. When shit hits the fan, though, you stumble on your words, your tongue feels thick in your mouth and all the thoughts in your head can’t seem to find their way out of your mouth.

You’re not cut out for it, you decide as the elevator dings, announcing your arrival on your floor. You may as well quit, before they force you out. Which is fine, half the time you’re hardly a functional human being, let alone able to manage this failed project, the ire of your coworkers, and still somehow cook dinner for yourself. 

It’s too much.

The door opens with a bang, and you flounce into the living room and throw yourself down on the couch. Marcus’s shoes had been on the mat beside the door, so that means he’s home before you, probably in the bedroom changing out of his work suit into something more comfortable. The two of you have lived together for about three months now, and have slipped into an easy routine. 

Sure enough, in a few minutes, Marcus comes out of the bedroom, wearing track pants and a plain gray t-shirt. “Hey, sweetheart,” he says cheerfully, coming around the back of the couch and giving you a kiss on the cheek. 

“Mm,” you respond, shrinking away from him even though you crave his presence. You always do this–you push everyone away, isolate yourself, your own worst enemy. 

“Someone must’ve had a bad day,” Marcus remarks, not dropping his friendly demeanor. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I’m a failure,” you state dramatically. “Literally. This project is tanking, and it’s my fault.”

“I’m sure it’s not,” Marcus says gently. 

“It is,” you insist. “And even if it isn’t totally my fault, even if the damn thing was doomed from the beginning, it doesn’t matter, because I’m being blamed. Very publicly, I might add.”

“Really?” Marcus sinks down on the couch next to you. “Where the hell is your boss in all of this?”

“It’s no secret that she’s scared to death of our VP,” you mutter. “She’ll never say a word against him.”

“That’s shitty management,” Marcus says, ire in his tone over your treatment. 

“Yeah?” you snap. “Well, it’s fucking happening, I don’t have any control over it.”

“Hey, I know,” Marcus replies. “It’s nothing against you, I was just saying–”

“Isn’t it?” you demand, your voice becoming high-pitched and shrill. “I might get fired, and it’s my fault.”

“I–I really don’t think that’s true, and even if it is–”

“I’m not cut out for this,” you say suddenly, putting your face in your hands. “I don’t think I’m one of these people who can handle the normal, day-to-day pressure of corporate America. I just don’t think I can. I’m not strong enough.”

“You’re plenty strong,” Marcus assures you. “You are.”

“I’m a basket case.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh yeah?” you counter. “Remember last week when I freaked out when the store was out of zucchini, and I had to make an entirely new plan for dinner? Who does that?”

“Some people have a harder time with change,” Marcus points out diplomatically. 

“Ugh!” you cry. “You’re no help!”

“What can I do?” Marcus asks softly, touching your arm, trying desperately to forge a connection, and it makes you feel even worse for lashing out. Through all things, Marcus just wants to feel connected, and here you are, pushing him away because of your own personal bullshit. 

“I don’t know,” you cry out, just so frustrated with everything that you can no longer carry on a reasonable conversation about it. 

But then, almost unbidden, an image flashes through your mind. You blink several times in rapid succession to dispel it. No, that’s ridiculous. 

“What?” Marcus presses, noticing the change in your expression.

“N-Nothing would help,” you say. “It’s just my own personal shit that I have to work through.”

The image returns. You, laying in Marcus’s lap, getting the catharsis you need through something physical–

“Okay,” Marcus says, frowning. You can tell he doesn’t buy it. 

You can’t stop thinking about it, now. His hand coming down on you again and again, finally giving you a reason to let go of it all. No. Marcus wouldn’t. He doesn’t mind rougher sex, sometimes, but he’s hardly sadistic about it. Everything he does, he does for your pleasure and enjoyment. 

That wouldn’t be about pleasure or enjoyment. It would be about release. Just… being allowed to feel things instead of being stuck in your head. 

“You know,” Marcus says softly, “you can tell me anything. I promise, no matter what it is, I’ll want to hear it.”

You shake your head from side to side.

Except, your denial lets Marcus know that there is something on your mind. 

“I just want to understand,” he murmurs, his hand stroking a gentle path up and down your arm. 

“I don’t know what I need,” you mumble. “But I keep–I can’t stop thinking about–”

Marcus nods patiently, but doesn’t speak.

“I–I wonder if you would… spank me,” you say under your breath. 

Marcus’s eyebrows raise. “Come again?”

See? You knew he wouldn’t go for it. “Never mind,” you say, shaking your head again. “I just… I dunno, some kind of physical release feels like it could… help.”

“Hang on,” Marcus says. “Don’t dismiss it. Let’s talk.”

"It's stupid," you protest. 

"You haven't even given it a chance," Marcus points out. 

"It was a fleeting thought," you say. 

"Was it?"

"...No," you whisper. "I can't stop thinking about it."

"About being spanked?" Marcus asks. 

"About you. Um, spanking me. Not just in general. You," you clarify. Marcus is an integral component of this fantasy. You've never wanted this before, but something about this relationship with Marcus makes you want… something more. Something as-of-yet undefined and unexplored.

"About me?" Marcus asks, smiling. He scoots closer, putting his arm around you on the couch. "Tell me."

"I just feel… safe, with you. And sometimes I think about how you… take such good care of me. And it makes me want… I don't know."

"Makes you want… more?" Marcus supplies. 

"I don't know," you repeat quietly. "I'm not… I'm not wording this right, I can't find the words right now, I'm not in the right headspace," you murmur. "I'm stupid."

"That's certainly not true," Marcus says firmly. 

"I c-can't talk right when I'm having a rough day," you stammer. "It's too hard, I–"

"Then don't talk," Marcus says, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. "I'm gonna ask you a few questions, and you can just nod or shake your head, okay?"

You sink with relief, nodding.

"Okay. Question one," Marcus says with a sheepish expression. "Do you want me to spank you?"

You can't keep eye contact, but you nod, looking down at your hands. 

"Okay," Marcus replies softly, reassuringly. "Next question. Can I trust you to say 'stop' or tap my leg if you need to stop?"

Another nod, still looking down.

"Last question," Marcus says, and you can hear his smile. "Do you love me?"

An easy one. You bob your head up and down rapidly, making eye contact and smiling for the first time that night.

Marcus’s smile widens. "I love you, too. And hey–I'm always here to help, okay? No matter what it is you need."

You nod again. 

Marcus scoots back, sitting back on the couch. "Come here," he instructs quietly. "Come lie across my lap."

You feel silly as you come to your stomach, face down in Marcus’s lap. You consider saying 'never mind,' but part of you is so curious, wanting to feel this so much, you don’t open your mouth. 

Marcus gently pulls your leggings and underwear down, and you inhale sharply. You didn't expect him to do that. It sends an extra frisson of desire down your spine.

"Still okay?" Marcus asks, noticing the small tremor. 

"Yes," you whisper. 

Marcus's fingertips gently trace up and down your cheeks. "How many should I give you? Ten?" he asks, his voice a little rougher than normal. Does he like this, too?

You think for a moment. Ten doesn't seem like enough, not if you want to really feel it. 

"Fifteen," you whisper. 

Marcus is quiet for a few moments. "Okay," he says. "Fifteen."

His fingers stop tracing you, and you automatically tense in anticipation. You count your breaths for stability–one, two, thr–

Marcus’s hand comes down on your left cheek and you squeak in surprise. It stings, but it's not too bad. It's the jolt that startles you more than anything. 

Another sharp sting on your other cheek, and you press your lips together and whine softly.

"Why are you being punished?" Marcus suddenly asks above you. 

Oh. You have no idea, you didn't think about this at all. 

Slap. "Come on, sweetheart. Tell me why."

You suck in a breath and try to think. One thought comes to you immediately. 

"Because I'm being stupid," you mumble bitterly, thinking of your inexplicable outburst earlier. 

Smack. "That is absolutely not it," Marcus says, his voice far more firm than it had been before. "I want you to really think about why for the rest of your punishment," he says, before dealing you another hard thwack on the alternating cheek. 

It already kind of hurts. He's done what, five? And you can already feel your cheeks burning with friction. You try to think about Marcus's question, you really do, but already your mind feels like it's emptying, unable to focus on anything but the sharp stings on your ass as Marcus deals out six, seven, eight, nine–

You start crying on ten. Huge, globular tears that run down your face as you sob in relief and pain. 

"Remember to say 'stop' if you need," Marcus reminds you, but he doesn't stop. His hand comes down for the eleventh time and you give up trying to staunch the flow of tears and simply cry loudly into the couch cushion.

After the twelfth, Marcus asks, "Now do you know why you're being punished?"

You don't. You shake your head as you continue to sob. 

Slap. "Because you're not being kind to yourself," Marcus says firmly. "And I can't stand to watch you beat yourself up over and over." Smack. "So it stops now, understand? I don't have any problems doing this again."

His hand pauses for a moment. "Tell me you understand," he says. 

"Yes," you sob, open-mouthed, as all the tension you've carried all day–or hell, much longer than that–breaks, and you feel like you're floating away when Marcus delivers the last devastating slap. 

The punishment has stopped, but you can't stop crying. You take huge gulping breaths of air as you try to get yourself under control, and Marcus is pulling you up and into his lap properly. 

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “You can cry. You don’t have to try and stop yourself.”

You nod your thanks into his shirt, clutching at him desperately. 

“Shhh,” Marcus soothes. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

The two of you sit there for God knows how long. You, sniffling softly into Marcus’s shirt, and him holding you through it. The longer you sit there, the more you realize: the internal pain you’d been feeling has been washed away, replaced by a bone-deep sense of relief. 

Eventually, the tears subside, and a wave of gratitude washes over you. You close your eyes, breathing Marcus in. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Marcus asks quietly. 

“Yeah, actually,” you answer at the same volume. “I really do feel… better.”

“It helped?” 

You nod. “I just kind of feel… blank, and floaty.”

“That’s good,” Marcus says. 

“Did you–” you start. “Was that–okay? Like, it wasn’t too much, or… bad, or–”

“I don’t like causing you pain,” Marcus begins, and you cringe. “No, hang on,” he says. “But I do feel good when I give you something you want, or need, and it–it seems like you needed that, in a way. And,” he says, swallowing. “I, uh–” he ducks his head, chuckling.

“What?”

“Well, getting to spank you raw like that was… surprisingly hot,” Marcus admits, blushing lightly. 

You let out a watery laugh and tighten your hold on Marcus. A word escapes your lips, then. One word that, in hindsight, would change your relationship, your life, forever. 

“Daddy.”

Whispered, barely audible, muffled by his shoulder. More of a reflex than anything else. 

Marcus’s only reaction is a sharp intake of breath that he lets out slowly. His hand gently rubs up and down your back. You don’t think he’d heard, but then, just as quiet–

“I’m here. Daddy’s got you.”

“Can we talk?”

For a moment, you panic. That phrase has never heralded anything good in your life, ever. Seeing your alarm, Marcus quickly changes tactics. 

“Nothing bad, I promise. I wanted to talk about last night,” Marcus says, sitting down next to you. 

Oh. Right. Last night, when you’d asked Marcus to spank you out of nowhere after having a bad day. Well, technically, it wasn’t out of nowhere. It hadn’t been the first time that mental image wormed its way into your brain, but it’s not like you know how to actually talk about something like that. 

“I’m sorry if that was weird–” you begin.

“Not weird. I may be wrong–but I don’t think I am–” Marcus says, grinning, “–but liking to be spanked is very common.”

“I know,” you grumble, your face heating exponentially. “I’ve been on fucking Pornhub, too.”

Marcus laughs loudly. “Caught me,” he teases. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Your eyes flick up to meet his. “What, then?”

Marcus swallows, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip. “You… you called me something,” he says quietly. “And I can’t get it out of my head.”

You don’t say anything right away, waiting for Marcus to continue. Eventually, he does. 

“I hear it in my head every five minutes, I swear,” he says with a little huff of laughter. “And all I know is that I wish I could hear you say it again.”

“Daddy?” you whisper with a small smile.

You don’t miss the way Marcus shudders. “I don’t know why I like that,” he laughs softly. 

“I may be wrong, but I don’t think I am,” you say with a grin, mirroring Marcus’s earlier statement, “but liking being called ‘Daddy’ is pretty common.”

“Touche,” Marcus murmurs, grabbing your hand and kissing your palm. 

“What a pair we make,” you say softly. 

“I think we make the perfect pair,” Marcus protests. 

“I like calling you ‘Daddy,’” you admit, your voice barely audible. “You–you take such good care of me. I’ve never felt more… safe, with anyone,” you tell him. “I know I’ve mentioned that my, uh, my childhood wasn’t a great one. My mom… she fled an abusive relationship in the middle of the night and took only me and what she could carry,” you say with a self-deprecating laugh. “I remember fucking crying because I had to leave all my stuffed animals behind. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing? We were fleeing for our lives, and my dumbass was worried about–”

“Shh,” Marcus hushes you quietly, pressing his lips to your forehead. “You were a kid. You didn’t know.”

“Anyways,” you mutter, “I spent the next, I dunno, twenty years? Feeling unsafe and unmoored, and now suddenly there’s–” you swallow, “–there’s you, and it’s the healthiest, most positive relationship I’ve ever had, and I feel like I can finally… exhale. Does–does that make sense?”

“Yes,” Marcus murmurs, between kissing your forehead and temples over and over again. “Yes, honey, it does.” He’s quiet for a while, the both of you just existing together in the moment, reveling in the security of Marcus’s arms. After a long while, he speaks again. 

“What was your favorite? Of the things you left behind,” Marcus asks you softly. 

“Oh,” you say, laughing softly. “I had this bunny. It came with a book that I loved–The Velveteen Rabbit. My mom used to read it to me, and I’d just flip through and look through the pictures when I was alone,” you tell him. 

“What happened to the book?” Marcus asks, but you can tell from his tone that he already knows the answer.

“It’s long gone,” you say wistfully. “Wish I knew what edition it was.”

Marcus abruptly pulls you into his lap for a crushing hug. “I’m glad you feel safe with me,” he says, emotion choking his voice. “Please, always feel that way.”

“I will, Daddy,” you whisper, burying your head in Marcus’s neck. “I really, really will.”

You don’t know why it surprises you that, in less than a week, Marcus has a gift for you. Coming home from work, you walk into your bedroom to change into some sweatpants, and nearly fall to the ground at the sight that awaits you.

On the bed, propped up on the pillows, sits a simple brown stuffed bunny with large, floppy ears that look impossibly soft. And, sitting next to it, is a book with an old, worn cover. 

You gasp and surge forward to pick it up, flipping open the front cover and raking your eyes over the title page. The Velveteen Rabbit.

“It’s a first edition,” comes a soft voice behind you. 

You spin, and Marcus is leaning in the doorway, watching you with a small smile. 

You pick up the rabbit next–it feels just as soft as it looks–and hug it to your chest, burying your face in its soft fur. 

You don't remember the last time someone purchased something so simple and yet so meaningful. 

You look at Marcus with unnaturally shiny eyes. "Daddy…" you whisper with a watery smile, "I love it."

"Come here," Marcus says, and you don't have to be told twice. You stride forward, bunny still clutched tightly to your chest, and allow yourself to be wrapped in Marcus's arms. 

"Thank you," you whisper into his chest. 

"You might not have gotten what you needed, what you deserved as a child," Marcus murmurs into your hair, "but that won't happen with me."

Your breath catches at the quiet ferocity in Marcus's tone, but at the same time, a little sliver of doubt worms its way into your brain. This isn't his responsibility, it says. This is too much of a gift for him to possibly give you. 

"You don't have to, I dunno, take care of me or anything like that," you tell him in a small voice. "I don't want to just be a… a burden."

Marcus huffs a laugh, as if you'd just said something incredibly ridiculous.

"Oh, honey," he chuckles, "I've never wanted anything more."

It doesn’t happen all at once–there are many more funny, sometimes awkward discussions where you and Marcus hash things out, negotiating this new side of your relationship. 

The crux of all of them, though, is that, for the first time, you feel safe just being… you. You start to indulge more in the little things that bring you joy–things that you might have dismissed as frivolous or silly before, but now that Marcus is really paying attention, he notices.

Like he notices one day in the supermarket, when the two of you are buying groceries for the week, how your eyes linger on a bin of stuffed toys near the checkout. Already in line, your cart full of groceries, you look down at them, one hand reaching out briefly to touch a cute little avocado with big, sparkling eyes and a tiny smile. Something in its goofy expression makes you smile, giggling softly at the toy. 

Normally, you’d continue through the checkout aisle, putting down the stuffie with one last fond smile and returning to the task at hand, putting your groceries on the conveyor belt. When you turn, though, Marcus is watching you–with the same fond smile. 

“Here.” He picks up the same stuffed avocado you’d been admiring. “Is this one your favorite?”

“It’s–it’s nice,” you say, “but it’s fine, I mean–it’s silly, what am I doing to do with–”

“Let me spoil my baby girl,” Marcus murmurs in your ear. “Let Daddy spoil you, honey.”

He hands you the toy with a crooked grin and a quick kiss on the forehead, and you can't contain the happy smile that spreads across your face. "Thank you," you whisper. 

"Of course," Marcus answers softly. "Now help me with the groceries, hmm?"

As your comfort level grows, you realize that it’s not just about feeling a newfound sense of joy, getting to experience things that you’d lost out on as a kid. It’s not really about those things at all–it’s about safety. It’s about care, and protection. It’s not about the silly, blush-pink socks with little bows on the ankles that you like to wear around the house, kicking your feet as you type on your laptop, it’s about the care and the trust they symbolize. You’re safe to be completely and utterly yourself, to be vulnerable. You can allow yourself to slip back to a time where you felt the most vulnerable, except this time, Marcus is here to catch you. 

As much as you feel safe and fulfilled by your new dynamic, Marcus seems to thrive in it as well. Now that you’ve essentially given him license to lean into that part of him that just wants to take care of you, he doesn’t hold back. You know by now that Marcus likes to be given a direction, and now that he has this, he blazes forward with enthusiasm. Marcus likes to be useful, and it’s as if you’ve handed him the world’s most powerful tool. 

Marcus has always wanted to help you, whether by going to a few of your therapy sessions and holding your hand, or simply by being patient when you struggle to find your words. He’s one of the few people you’ve known that doesn’t try to finish your sentences or speak for you. 

It makes you finally start to feel comfortable in your own skin, like you’ve finally come to the realization that you don’t have to try to be any different, not even for Marcus. On hard days, when you need his touch but don’t necessarily have the words to ask for it, you know that all you need to do is gently butt your head into his arm or shoulder, and he’ll turn with a soft smile and kiss the top of your head while he winds his arm around you. 

You’ve never had anyone’s touch be so soothing.

Even still, there are bad days. Days where everything is too much and the words are caught in your throat and like the fighter you always have been, you push through it with sheer, stubborn bullheadedness until you collapse on the couch and draw a blanket over your head and breathe, like a little ghost haunting your living room for a little while. 

“Hi, honey.” The words are always so soft-spoken, like he’s afraid he’ll startle you, as if you hadn’t heard the click of Marcus’s key in the lock moments before. 

“I’d like to try something, is that okay?” he asks, and you nod. 

“Can I see that pretty face?”

After a few more breaths, you lower the blanket and are greeted with the warm, brown eyes of your partner, and, in spite of yourself, you smile a little. 

“There she is,” Marcus says softly. “My little girl.” He brushes his thumb over your cheekbone. “Will you follow me?”

When you nod, Marcus stands and walks to the bedroom with you in tow. When he strips off his shirt, you look at him warily. You can’t, you think. The sensory overload would be…

“Do you trust me?” 

You nod for the third time, and Marcus approaches you and gently pulls your shirt over your head as well. 

“Come lay with me,” he says, taking your hand and pulling you with him as he gets on the bed.

You allow yourself to be enfolded into Marcus’s arms with a shaky sigh. He gently pulls you on top of him, so that you’re laying fully on his chest, and his hand trails up and down your spine. You have to admit it, the feel of Marcus’s bare, warm chest against your cheek and the rise and fall of his breaths is already starting to loosen the tight coil of tension in your body. 

Your eyes fall closed and you surrender to the feeling of being surrounded by Marcus. He doesn’t speak until your breaths lengthen and the muscles in your shoulders start to relax.

“I read this study a while back,” he murmurs, and you feel the words against your cheek when he speaks, “that skin-to-skin contact affects adults just as much as it does infants. There’s a whole range of physiological responses–heart rate goes down, blood pressure goes down, cortisol, anxiety levels, pain…” he huffs a little laugh, running the backs of his fingers up and down your neck. “I told myself I’d try it the next time you were having a hard day.”

You smile and tighten your hold on Marcus. “Such a scientist,” you murmur. “Testing hypotheses and whatnot.”

Marcus chuckles, and you smile too.

“It’s not a good study,” you tell him. “Your sample size is one.”

“Well,” he concedes with a smile. “Then we’ll have to do this again.”

You do. It becomes a habit on bad days, so much so that all you need to do is nuzzle your face into Marcus’s chest and tug at his shirt and he'll chuckle affectionately, pulling you over to the couch and letting you lounge, topless, against his bare chest as you watch a movie with the sound turned low. 

It's never sexual, even with your breasts exposed and your nipples pebbling in the cool air. There's always a clear distinction between this, the loving way in which Marcus cares for you on bad days, and the times when you're intimate. Before Marcus, you'd never paid all that much attention to non-sexual touches, but this man seems to thrive off of touching you. He has an uncanny ability to make something as tame as a caress of your shoulder into something highly erotic, while at the same time showing you that even touching an intimate area–like the way his hand gently rests on the underside of your breast as he holds you–can be comforting and chaste. 

"Daddy," you whimper pitifully. "Just… just a little longer, just a little more, just–argh!" You let out a cry of frustration as the little vibrator leaves you again and Marcus pauses the timer on his phone. 

"Four more minutes," he announces. 

"I can't go four more minutes," you whine.

"You said that at ten minutes, too," Marcus teases. 

"You always say you like to spoil me," you pout. "Why are you making me wait?"

"I am spoiling you," Marcus counters playfully. "Think about how good it will feel when you're finally allowed to come." 

You writhe uselessly on the bed, your hands restrained loosely above your head by a pair of lacy pink cuffs with little bows on them. They're only velcro; you could pull out of them easily, but you hardly want to. You know how much Marcus likes the look of you like this, and you get off on the feeling of perceived helplessness. 

"Besides," he says, rubbing soothingly up and down your inner thigh. "Oh, how I love seeing you beg for me. I love seeing you like this. Daddy's little mess."

Marcus touches the little vibrator to your clit and restarts the timer, and you keen in frustration as you try to keep yourself under control. "C'mon, just four more minutes," he says. "You can do it."

Fifteen minutes, he had said, holding up your little vibrator. Fifteen minutes of this before you're allowed to come. 

You've somehow managed to last eleven without completely breaking apart, but the last four minutes are torture. You're so close to the edge that he has to pause every thirty seconds or so, and whenever he pauses, so does the timer.  

"Two minutes," Marcus murmurs gently. "You're doing so well. You're being so good for me, baby girl." He pauses the timer again and rubs his hand up and down your arm. "So good for me," he repeats quietly as you shake for him. "Catch your breath, it's okay."

The next two minutes might last a lifetime. When he stops for what seems like the tenth time and you let out a high pitched whine of frustration, Marcus brushes the hair from your forehead and says, "You've got twenty seconds left. I'm not gonna pause again, but you have to be a good girl for me and hold it there the whole time without coming, can you do that?"

You nod, biting your lip with determination. "Okay, Daddy," you whisper. 

"Good girl," Marcus whispers back. 

He restarts the timer and you try to take deep, even breaths, not allowing your body to do what it wants and fall off the edge. It feels impossible, especially when Marcus announces fifteen and then ten, and it feels like you can't possibly last another second. He starts counting slowly down from five, four, three, but your body is already seizing up as you fight the inevitable. The heat rises inside of you, and all you can do it grit your teeth and hope you can make it to one, when your mouth falls open and you start to come. 

Marcus drops to his elbow beside you, not moving the vibrator from your clit, and hovers close to your face, whispering little praises as your pussy clenches violently.

"Perfect," he soothes. "Perfect girl. See? It feels so good when Daddy makes you wait, doesn't it?"

You nod pitifully. "Thank you, Daddy," you whimper. 

"No, no," Marcus chuckles. "Thank you, baby girl. You do so well for Daddy."

"I want to feel you," you tell him softly. "Will you fill me up?"

Marcus smiles wickedly as he pushes his underwear down, freeing his cock. "Baby," he says with a chuckle, "Daddy will fill you up anytime you ask."

He lines himself up and, keeping his face close to yours, slowly pushes inside. 

"My girl's choice," he rasps. "Slow or fast?"

"Hmmm," you smile teasingly, thinking about it for a moment. "Slow."

"Oh yeah? You like it when Daddy takes you apart inch by inch, don't you?" He asks as he reaches the deepest point within you.

"Yes," you answer blissfully, tipping your head back as he starts to to thrust, undulating his hips perfectly slowly, just like you'd asked. 

“You wouldn’t believe the day I had,” Marcus says as he collapses onto the couch next to you.

“Oh! That bad?” you ask, curling into his side.

“No, just… really unbelievable. There was an elephant at my crime scene.”

Immediately, you pull back to look at him. “What?”

Marcus smiles at your reaction–from the glint in his eyes, you can tell he did it on purpose. “I swear. A real, live elephant.”

“Why?” you say with a little laugh.

“I was at the Smithsonian National Zoo,” Marcus explains, grinning. “One of the pieces the elephants painted was stolen.”

Now you’re even more confused. “The elephants… paint?”

“Yeah, you know, they train the elephants to hold a paintbrush, and they auction off the paintings for fundraisers,” Marcus says. “They’ve got a little gallery in the exhibit.”

“I’ve never been,” you say quietly. 

“To the National Zoo?” 

“To any zoo.”

Marcus’s lips part, and for a moment his eyes are sad–mourning for something you never had in the first place, before he perks up, realizing that now he gets to be the one to show you. 

“Well,” he announces. “We’re just going to have to change that, aren’t we?”

Just a few short days later, you’re wiggling with excitement next to Marcus as you stand in line outside of the zoo. 

“Excited?” Marcus teases.

“Yes,” you answer matter-of-factly, not bothering to hide it.

Marcus’s eyes crinkle as he grins. “Good. Where to first?”

Your eyes flit from sign to sign as you enter, momentarily overwhelmed by your choices and unsure of where to begin, before something catches your attention, and you know exactly where you want to go. 

“Aquarium!”

You love it from the moment you walk in, taking in the darkened room lit by the otherworldly glow of the water. The first large glass window you come to contains an entire coral reef, with hundreds of different types of fish and one very ugly green eel that makes you giggle.

“Look,” you whisper in awe, hardly able to tear your eyes away. “Daddy, look.”

“I am looking,” Marcus says beside you, but when you turn, he’s not watching the fish at all.

He’s watching you. 

“What?” you pout.

Marcus smiles and shakes his head. “Nothing, baby girl.” 

His hand is always a comforting weight at the small of your back as the two of you stroll slowly through the gallery, until you come to a room with one large, open tank with low walls. Lips parting in surprise, you rush forward to look. It’s full of rays, swimming slowly, moving majestically and gracefully around the tank. 

“You can touch them,” Marcus says beside you.

“What?” “The rays. You can touch them.”

You finally notice that many of the people around the tank have their hands submerged up to their elbows.

“No way,” you whisper. 

“Yes, ray,” Marcus jokes beside you, and you elbow him in the ribs.

“Daddy.”

Marcus chuckles and you step forward, leaning over the tank and slowly sliding your hand into the water.

“I’m afraid I’m going to freak out if one of these things touches me,” you say with a giddy smile. “Do you think they’re slimy?”

Marcus shrugs. “I dunno, I’ve never touched one.”

“Stick your hand in the water.”

“You first,” he laughs. “Look, here one comes.”

You press your lips together with excitement as one of the rays swims along the side of the tank toward the two of you. It passes just under your hand, and you gasp as you feel its skin below your fingertips.

“Oh,” you exclaim softly. “Oh, that’s weird.”

"Weird?" Marcus laughs. 

"Yeah, it's like, the smoothest thing I've ever felt, but it's soft and spongy."

"That is weird," Marcus says, his nose crinkling. "Hey, look, it likes you."

Sure enough, the ray turns around and comes by for another pass, one fin gently splashing the side of the tank as it swims by. It does it again and again, and you watch it with a disbelieving expression. 

"Believe it or not, rays are quite social," a zookeeper says, noticing your odd companionship. "They can be playful, splashing people to show off, and they can form bonds."

"It does like you," Marcus breathes, watching the ray swimming underneath your fingers. 

"That one's been through the ringer," the zookeeper comments. "It was rescued from a fishing net. See the big scar on its fin?"

You blink, looking at a line of darkened skin that you'd thought was simply color variation. "Oh," you whisper. "Poor thing."

"She's usually not very social," the zookeeper says. "I've never seen her do this."

"Is that right?" you say, smiling softly. "Are we friends?"

You stay there for a long time, until your fingers are pruny, in awe of the strange friendship. 

Marcus, as always, is patient, and ends up chatting with the zookeeper, who's happy to share information about her research to the two of you.

"Hey," Marcus finally says, with an amused smile. "We've got a lot more zoo to see."

"I know," you say quietly, strangely reluctant to leave. 

"This isn't the only time," Marcus assures you softly. "We'll be back."

Smiling sheepishly, you nod and withdraw your hand from the water, waving goodbye to the ray. 

"That was the weirdest thing," you say with a laugh. 

"That was adorable," Marcus hums, kissing your cheekbone. 

The two of you walk through the rest of the zoo, you tucked into Marcus's side as you look at every exhibit. Finally, you find yourself back where you started at the entrance. 

"C'mere," Marcus says, grabbing your hand. "One more thing."

He pulls you into the gift shop, smiling as you take in every conceivable type of stuffed animal lining the shelves. 

"Pick your favorite," Marcus says. 

"I don't know if I can narrow it down," you say with a laugh, overwhelmed with the sheer number of choices. But you walk up and down the aisles, looking at seals, tigers, penguins, orangutans, and sloths. They're all so cute. You bite down on your lip, looking around as you consider, and then you see it. 

Back in one corner of the store, an entire shelf dedicated to… 

"This one," you whisper, picking up a stuffed southern ray. 

"How did I know?" Marcus chuckles. 

You pause, a decades-old cycle of doubt worming its way into your brain. "Are you sure?"

Marcus frowns. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You always get me so many things… you spoil me too much."

Marcus raises one eyebrow in challenge. "I don't spoil you too much. I spoil you just the right amount."

He gently takes the ray from you, pays for it, and hands it back. He's quiet on the walk to the car, and it's making you uneasy. 

"Daddy… are you mad?"

"What? No. God, no. I just…" Marcus sighs, leaning against the car. "I hate to think that you see this as spoiling you, baby girl. I don't see it spoiling you. I see it as giving you everything I want to give you. Everything you deserve."

"Daddy," you breathe, starting to tear up. 

"You're everything to me," Marcus says quietly. "So I'm gonna give you everything. And if all I have to give in exchange for literally everything I want in my life is a few stuffed animals? Baby, you're getting the raw deal, here."

You laugh a watery laugh. "His name's Pancake, by the way."

"Pancake," Marcus chuckles, opening the car door. "That's cute, baby girl. Did you have a good time?"

"Of course I did," you answer. "I always do with you, Daddy."

"Daddy, aren't you going to bed?"

Marcus gives you an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, baby, Daddy’s got a big press conference tomorrow and I'm nowhere near prepared."

"Oh," you say, disappointed. "But I'm really tired."

“That’s okay, you don’t have to wait up for me.”

“But I miss you when you’re not there,” you pout.

Marcus looks up from his laptop with a wry smile. “You want Daddy to come tuck you in?”

You let out an involuntary shiver at his words. 

"Yes, please," you whisper. 

He grins. “Go get ready for bed, then. I’ll be there in a minute.”

You giggle and hop up from the couch, hurrying to the bathroom to brush your teeth. You throw on your favorite tank top to sleep in, leaving only your underwear on the bottom. As you’re getting into bed, Marcus comes in and sits beside you on the bed. He kisses you unhurriedly, taking his time moving his lips sensually against yours. You sigh into his mouth–he’s such a good kisser. Just as you start to lose yourself in the act, Marcus smiles against your lips.

“Lay down, baby girl.”

You obey, smiling dazedly up at him as your head hits the pillow.

“What���s Daddy’s rule?” Marcus asks softly. 

“Don’t move,” you answer dutifully. 

“That’s right. Get nice and comfortable for me.”

You arrange yourself half on your side, half on your stomach, with one leg bent to the side and Pancake tucked under one arm. 

“Good girl,” Marcus whispers. His fingertips trail down your spine, over the fabric of your underwear, and then down, where he gently pulls them to one side to allow his other hand to touch. He sucks in a breath when he dips his fingers dip shallowly into your pussy, collecting your slick and rubbing it onto your clit. “Always so wet for Daddy, aren’t you?”

“Mmhmm,” you sigh contentedly into your pillow as Marcus starts rubbing in slow circles..

“My perfect girl, do you like it when I play with you?” he teases.

“Of course I do, Daddy,” you answer. “Would like it better if you gave me your c–”

“Shh,” Marcus chastises. “Not tonight, baby girl. I’m just trying to help you relax.”

You whine softly and shift your hips impatiently, and Marcus stops. 

“No, no,” he chuckles. “Stay still for Daddy.”

“Sorry,” you whisper, taking a deep breath and letting it out as Marcus’s fingers start to move achingly slowly on your clit. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Marcus soothes. “You’re doing so well for me. Look at how relaxed you are. You look so sweet, lying there and letting me take care of you.”

Your breath starts to come in pants, and you have to fight to keep yourself still as the pressure inside you starts to rise. 

“That’s it,” Marcus whispers. “Nice and slow.”

Marcus is a patient man. He doesn’t rush toward your climax; he never speeds up the movement of his hand. He slowly builds you up until the fall becomes inevitable.

Your hands tighten into fists when Marcus finally pushes you over the edge; your mouth falls open and a little, ragged whimper comes out. Other than that, you don’t move a muscle as you come undone, and it brings all of your focus to the way your pussy clenches over and over again.

“Good,” Marcus whispers. “Good girl.” He gently pulls your underwear back into place and covers you with the blanket. “I love you so much, baby girl,” he whispers into the skin of your temple. 

“Daddy,” you say softly, your eyes already closed. “You do a really good job. You take such good care of me.”

Marcus is quiet for a minute. “I’m glad,” he finally says, his voice rough with emotion. Clearing his throat, he adds, “I’ll be with you soon.”

His lips ghost against your temple once more before you hear him padding out of the room. 

#marcus pike #marcus pike x you #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x f!reader #the mentalist #pedro pascal

[other-peoples-coats]

still thinking about palaptine's phone tree of doom/The Chip Lag Issue, and have come up with a third, even fucking funnier option for how order 66 rolls out:

Ol' mate sheev manually corrected for lag. Like sure, you have to squash the lag time down from like, millions of years to like. a reasonable but still funny time frame, but consider it.

Skeevy sheevy, the great wrinkled raisin of evil himself, sitting at his desk, looking at the Great Big Space Spreadsheet listing where every goddamn clone commander in the GAR is, along with the current lag time in communication, and sitting down to schedule out Enacting His Evil Plot.

Target roll out time is 5 pm CSC (coruscant standard time), because that's when it's Most Dramatic and also maybe most jedi are in temple to avoid peak hour coruscant traffic (but mostly the drama). The furthest flung CC+Jedi pair is on the ass end of the outer rim (lag time 13 hrs 54 min). Therefore, he has to send that message at........ass o'clock in the fucking morning, in order for it to reach where it's gotta go at the same time as everyone else gets theirs.

fine. no pain without gain, it's one day of getting up at 2 fucking AM and dialing a clone to tell them to murder a jedi. loathing feeds sith powers, getting up at 2 am to make a fifteen second holocall is peak fucking loathing, all is evil in the world.

Sitting down with his evil!space-appointment-calendar* (different from his personal calendar, his work calendar [delegated], his work calendar [not meant to be delegated but delegated to fox anyway], his work calendar [actually not delegated], his CIS war calendar, and his not evil-space-appointment-calendar), along with space!world-time-buddy.com and his spreadsheets of 'where the fuck are the murder targets and their murder weapons now'.

Planning out every fucking phone call - ok, kenobi is on utapau, 8hr 13min delay, that means the call to cody has to be at ....space world time buddy says 8:47 sharp! in goes the appointment to the evil space appointment calendar, "8:47 AM, Kenobi🔫🔫🔫🎉🎉🎉".

"9:13 am, Koon 🔫🎉"

"10:02 am, MULTI CALL COMMANDER ONLY, hy'rt, kleei, janso...[click to expand]"

"10:30 am, Tapal+ brat"

etc etc.

And then. Having to reschedule meetings around these totally fucking arbitary points in time. He's gotta keep it normal until go live! (or, well, go dead.) nothing to see here, pay no attention to the chancellor ducking out to make 15 second holocalls every eight minutes, it's fine.

Like yes awful terrible etc but also: the idea of lord evil himself blearily opening his holocom after a day of making fifteen second phonecalls at random points to compensate for lag is hilarious to me. by the 400th call he's doing the call centre mangled script like 'commander order execute clone 66. How may I order you today. Thank you for calling I am clone how may I execute you?'

*at least sleazy sheevy's evil appointment calendar opened up some once dooku became a head shorter. Can you fucking imagine the mutual monologing. this nine hour meeting could have been an email.

#coats chats #coats originals #order 66 #sheev palpatine #look I make myself laugh and that's what's important. #also yeah I was on the phone for work today and fucked up my script #'Hi thank you for calling I am [department] how may I charge you?' #I was the one calling. just a total shitshow beginning to end.