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englishstrawbie · 4 years

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My Father’s Daughter

Fandom: Station 19

Characters: Maya Bishop & Carina Deluca

Summary: A re-write of episode 3x15 after Maya storms out of the apartment. Maya goes for a run and realises that there is some truth to what her mom and Carina have been telling her. Trigger: mentions of abuse.

Also at AO3.

* * * * * * * * * *

Maya feels the walls closing in and her instinct is to flee. “I need, I need to run… so I’m gonna, I’m gonna go on a run.”

“Maya!” Carina calls after her.

Maya doesn’t listen. She grabs her keys and running shoes, and storms out, the door slamming behind her. She slips on her shoes and makes her way outside quickly. She doesn’t bother to warm up; as soon as she steps out onto the sidewalk she starts running. Her feet pound the pavement and she runs as fast as she can, ignoring everyone she passes. She doesn’t even care when she brushes past a guy coming out of Starbucks and knocks his coffee to the ground.

She reaches the park and hits the path, keeping to the edge to avoid those out for a leisurely walk. She keeps her eyes forward, just like her father taught her – always focussed on the finish line.

If only her mind would do the same.

No matter how hard she tries, she can’t get Carina’s voice out of her head, pressing her to admit that she is some kind of victim. Maya Bishop is not a victim.

“Maybe you think you’re too smart to have been abused?”

No. She’s smart enough to know when she is being pushed into a narrative that is not true.

“Psychological abuse, verbal abuse, they are real.”

Okay, so her dad believed in tough love but to call it abuse was unfair. His tough love had won her an Olympic medal. It had made her strong and resilient. It had trained her to work hard and achieve her goals. It had taught her to fight for what she wanted and that was how she had ended up as Captain of Station 19 already.

She refuses to vilify him, refuses to see that her father’s actions were anything but a sign that he loved her and wanted her to succeed.

She laps the park twice, maybe three times – she isn’t paying attention. She runs until her heart is beating so hard that her chest feels bruised and her lungs are so tired that she can’t breathe any more. She drops to the floor underneath an oak tree and leans back against the trunk as she catches her breath. Her legs are tired and her body aches from the tension she’s been holding in her shoulders.

She looks around her. She so rarely pays attention to what other people are doing in the park.

There’s an older gentleman sat on a bench, resting from his daily exercise, with an obedient spaniel by his feet. Beside him is a woman that Maya places in her early twenties, the child in her arms chewing on a teething ring and giggling at the funny faces her mommy pulls. There’s a young couple nearby, lying side by side, full of whispers and giggles.

Maya’s eyes come to rest on a young family enjoying a picnic – a mom and dad with two young children, a girl and a boy. They look to be two, maybe three years apart in age and she is immediately reminded of Mason. She has been thinking of him more often lately, as she has watched Carina care for her sick brother. Mason was her biggest regret and she would always wish that she had done more to look after him, like a big sister should do. She had taken up all of their parents’ time and focus with her running that he had been forgotten. Every now and again, Ryan would see him and let her know that he was doing okay, but with Ryan gone now Mason has no-one looking out for him and it keeps her awake at night sometimes.

Maya’s thoughts are interrupted as the girl squeals, running away as her younger brother chases her with a water gun. Their parents laugh, not caring when the girl runs behind them and they end up in the firing line. The dad jumps up and steals the gun from his son, the young boy’s turn to be chased. He screams in delight.

Maya can’t help but smile at the four of them playing together, but it also makes her feel sad. She doesn’t have those kind of memories. They never went out for picnics; didn’t play in the park or chase each other in the garden.

Every free moment outside of school and homework was spent training and running. Her memories are of cold mornings at the track and afternoons running races. Weekends were spent travelling up and down the country for track meets.

She remembers the delight in her father’s face every time she crossed the finish line first. She remembers the hugs he would give her every time she shaved a couple more seconds from her personal best. She remembers the celebratory dinners at her favourite restaurant.

She also remembers the cold shoulder he would give her on those rare occasions that she would come in second. She remembers the disappointment and annoyance in his face when she was off her game and ran slower than normal. She remembers how sore her feet were when she finally got home after that twenty mile walk.

Maya closes her eyes. It was just tough love, she tells herself. It made her strong, resilient…

She remembers the silent treatment she got when she asked his permission to go out on a date one Saturday afternoon instead of training. She remembers how loud he yelled when she missed her after-school run club to go to the mall with the only friend she had. She remembers plates and bowls crashing against the wall, and glasses smashing on the kitchen floor when he was angry.

That’s just who he is, she tells herself. It wasn’t abuse. She brings her knees up to her chest and hugs them. He cares too much, that’s all. She wipes away the tears that spill down her cheeks. She isn’t a victim.

The little girl is laughing now, sat on her dad’s knee as she puts daisies in his hair. The boy is playing with his toy car, running its wheels up and down his dad’s arm and over his back. Their mom watches from the side, laughing with them.

Maya watches them until it hurts too much to watch them any more. She drags herself to her feet and makes her way to the park exit. She has no energy left to run home, so she walks. She never does this, she always has something to do or somewhere to be. She doesn’t know how to stop or how to be still.

She’s been trying. She stays curled up in bed in the mornings, instead of being the first one at the gym. She spends lazy nights on the couch instead of busying herself with projects. She went on vacation and read a book by the pool, something she has never done in her life.

There’s a reason for this: Carina. This vibrant, smart, funny woman came into her life one evening and ended up staying – in her home, in her bed, in her heart. She makes it okay for Maya to stop and relax and be present in the moment, instead of always thinking about the next goal. Maya has allowed herself to be vulnerable with Carina; she’s called her when she has needed someone to hold her after a hard day at work, she’s cried in her arms.

But this? She doesn’t know how to open up to Carina about this. She can’t even make sense of it herself.

Almost three hours have passed by the time she gets home. She has no idea if Carina will be there waiting for her. She wants her to be, but knows it’s a long shot. There are only so many times she can push Carina away before she never comes back.

She reaches her apartment and presses her ear against the door. It’s silent inside and her heart sinks. She lets herself in, kicks off her shoes and drops her keys on the table. It’s clean and tidy, everything untouched, as if they hadn’t left a path of chaos behind as they got caught up in a moment of lust this morning.

“Hey.”

Carina’s voice travels through the apartment from where she is sitting at the top of the hallway. She doesn’t know how long she’s been staring at the door waiting for her to return, but she knows that Maya has been gone for hours. It had taken all of her willpower not to follow her earlier, but Maya had been clear that she needed space. So Carina had stayed and waited.

The silence of the apartment had driven her crazy. She had tidied up the half-prepared food that should have been their lunch. She had put the cushions back in their place on the couch and picked up the photo frame that had fallen to the floor. She had even cleaned the bathroom to stop herself from worrying too much.

But while her hands had been distracted, her brain had not. Carina had replayed their conversation in the kitchen over and over again. She had pushed her too hard, she knew that. It came from a good place; all she wanted was for Maya to understand and accept that what she had been through was something no child should endure. It was something Carina understood only too well after all those years caring for her own dad. She could see it in a way that Maya couldn’t yet, no matter how hard she tried.

She had pushed too hard with her brother at times as well. It had been impossible to sit back and watch him spiral out of control, just like their father had. With Maya, she thought she could help her before she spiralled, but all she had done was to push her away.

It hurt her to see the person she loves hurting so much. Because that’s what this is to her, it’s love. She hadn’t planned it. It had been a hook-up that had turned into a bit of fun, and now here she is, three months later, crazy in love. It was something she had only ever been on the edge of experiencing before and, now she had it, she didn’t want to lose it.

She was going to tell Maya that she loved her earlier, the words on the tip of her tongue as they fought, but she had caught herself. She wanted the words to be said in a moment of kindness, not anger.

When Maya finally walks through the door, Carina’s body floods with relief. She doesn’t care if she’s still mad at her, she’s just glad that she is home. She watches her for a moment, before greeting her from her seat by the window.

Maya jumps at the sound of her voice, looking around until she sees her. “Hey,” she says. “I thought you’d gone.”

“I told you, I’m not leaving,” Carina says defiantly. Her body stiffens, ready for another fight if that is what is coming next.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Maya says.

Her words take Carina by surprise. She stands up and wanders slowly down the hallway. Her face is uncertain and wary, as if she can’t predict Maya’s mood. “How was your run? Did it clear your mind?” she asks.

“No,” Maya says, shaking her head. “The opposite, actually.”

Carina offers out her hand. Maya accepts it, linking her fingers through Carina’s, grateful for the comfort it brings her.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “I’m sorry I got angry and pushed you away, and I’m sorry that I left.”

Carina softens and squeezes her hand, tugging her closer.

“Vieni qui,” Carina murmurs. “Sit with me.”

She guides Maya to the couch and they sit side-by-side, their hands still intertwined.

“Talk to me, bella. Tell me what’s going on in your mind, please,” Carina encourages her gently.

“I’m not very good at doing that,” Maya confesses with a rueful smile.

“Try,” Carina says. “It’s no good keeping it all inside.”

Carina knows that she is pushing again, but she sees a chance for Maya to open up and she’s not ready to give up just yet. She wants so much to create a safe space for Maya to confront whatever she is feeling and will do anything to make that happen. She pleads with Maya with her big, soulful eyes. They burn into Maya’s and she gives a small nod.

Maya takes a deep, shaky breath before she starts speaking. “I was thinking about everything I know about my dad when I was out running,” she says, keeping her eyes locked into Carina’s as if she is drawing courage from her. “I know he did everything he could to help me succeed. I know he gave up a lot to make sure every obstacle in my way of getting that gold medal was knocked down. He did it because he loves me. And I love him.”

A tear trickles down her cheek and she wipes it away with her free hand.

“But I also know that he could be angry and irrational. I know that for every good thing he did for me, my brother got left behind. I know that there were times when… there were times when no matter how much I loved him, I hated him too.”

Her eyes fill with tears.

“I don’t know how to make all this fit together in a way that makes sense any more,” she says. “It feels like a rabbit hole I’m not ready to go down.”

Carina tilts her head. “Why?”

“I just can’t,” Maya says.

“Maya…”

Maya pulls her hand away and shuffles back along the couch to create space between them. “Please don’t.”

“Why are you so scared to talk about your father?”

“Because...”

She can’t find the words to explain it. She doesn’t know how to let Carina in without scaring her off for good. She stands up and walks to the fireplace to create more distance, folding her arms across her chest protectively.

Carina can see her pulling away and building up a wall, and wonders what it is that is stopping her from being honest.

“Tell me,” Carina asks.

“I can’t,” Maya cries.

“Please, il mio amore,” Carina pleads.

Maya’s bottom lip wobbles and she bites into it. The tears spill out of her eyes and she doesn’t try to stop them this time. “Because!” She can’t hold it in any longer. “Because I am my father’s daughter. And if he…”

She still can’t say it.

“If he’s… then what does that make me?”

“Oh Maya,” Carina says sadly. She stands and takes a step towards her, but Maya moves back instinctively.

“I barged past Andy to become Captain because my dad taught me to never let anyone stand in my way of success. I have ended every relationship I’ve ever had because my dad told me that they were a distraction. I screamed at a teenage girl last week because I was so focussed on the win that I didn’t care that her grandfather had just died. I barked orders at my team and put them through hell, I made Emmett intubate a dead man, because my dad made me believe that tough love was the best way to learn.”

She exhales, her breath ragged. “Everything I am, everything I know is because of him. I’m hard and I can be selfish. I don’t let myself feel things, I embrace the pain and I keep my eyes forward. I am just like him.”

She breaks, her head dropping into her hands. Carina rushes to her side, ignoring Maya’s attempt to push her away and wrapping her arms around her, holding her tightly.

“Don’t,” Maya objects weakly. She doesn’t deserve love or sympathy.

“Ti ho preso,” Carina says. “I’ve got you, Maya, I’ve got you.”

Maya relents and falls against her. She sobs into Carina’s chest, her tears soaking into her sweater. Her body shakes uncontrollably as the grief flows out of her and Carina holds her tighter, whispering words of comfort to her. She mixes her Italian and English, her voice soft and gentle.

Carina holds her until her sobs cease and her tears dry up, until her body is calm and still in her arms. Only then does she pull back and tuck her finger under Maya’s chin, lifting her face to meet hers.

“You are not your father,” she says. “You are kind and brave and fearless and you care so deeply.”

Maya shakes her head. “I’m not fearless, I’m scared of a lot of things,” she says. “I’m scared of losing you.”

Carina frowns in confusion. “Why would you think you’re going to lose me?”

“Because I’m broken,” Maya answers. “Like, really really broken. You said you don’t fix broken people.”

“And you said you don’t need a girlfriend,” Carina countered back, a small smile teasing her lips before turning serious again. She brings both hands to her face and runs her thumbs lightly over Maya’s red cheeks. “You’ll heal.”

“What if I can’t?” Maya says. “What if this is who I am?”

“What you are is a good person,” Carina says. “You’re a person who takes care of her friends when they need you. You’re a person who runs into burning buildings to help strangers. You’re a good person, Maya. And all these things that your father taught you, they can be unlearnt.”

Maya nods reluctantly and Carina can see that she’s not entirely convinced.

“We’re all capable of change, bella. And you’re too stubborn to let this beat you,” Carina says with a sly smile.

Maya lets her words sink in, before smiling. “You know, for someone who doesn’t like to fix people, you’re very good at putting me back together when I fall apart.”

Carina smiles back at her in a way that makes her heart lighter and it’s a welcome relief from the heaviness she has been feeling. “Thank you,” Maya says. She wants to say more, she wants to be able to open her heart wider than it’s ever been, but she’s kept it protected for so long that she doesn’t know how.

Carina drops a kiss on Maya’s forehead. Maya leans into her once again, circling her arms around Carina’s waist and resting her head in the crook of her neck. She loves that Carina is just the right height for her to curl up against her chest. She closes her eyes and lets herself get lost in the feeling for a while.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I could stay like this all night,” Maya says.

She feels Carina’s chest rumble as she laughs. “We could, but I’m not very good at sleeping standing up,” she jokes.

Carina’s stomach gurgles with hunger and Maya realises that neither of them has eaten all day. She runs her hand around Carina’s waist and over her belly, and looks up.

“We should eat,” she says.

Carina nods. She knows that Maya is done talking today and she isn’t going to push any further. “Then maybe we can… what do the kids say? Flick the net and chill out?”

It makes Maya laugh and Carina wonders if she realises how beautiful she is when her face lights up like that.

“I would like that,” Maya says.

Carina leans down to kiss her again, capturing her lips this time in a light kiss. They untangle from their embrace and Carina slips her hand into Maya’s, pulling her towards the kitchen.

“Come, bella, let me show you how to make my mama’s carbonara,” Carina says.

The thought of food makes Maya’s stomach gurgle too. “I think I have some mushrooms somewhere.”

She’s only trying to be helpful and is surprised when Carina stops suddenly and looks offended. “No,” she says sternly. “No mushrooms. And no cream. You Americans…” She shakes her head and mumbles something in Italian as she pulls out a pan.

Maya watches her, amused, and settles on the chair to observe as Carina cooks. It’s not lost on her that they are a mirror image to how they were earlier that day, except the anger and frustration has been replaced with laughter and teasing. She knows she has a lot of work to do to accept her past; she knows she needs to speak to her mom; at some point, she might even confront her dad about it. But for now – for tonight, at least – she is going to let herself be calm and safe and loved, like she deserves.

#station 19 #maya bishop #carina deluca #station 19 fanfiction #let's face it i was bound to write this #because 3x15 was so awful #and depending on what happens this week #this might be the only maya/carina fic i ever write #my fanfiction

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