Friendly reminder that the suffering and torment Xie Lian experienced actually made him LESS kind, and the lessons he learned as a result of that pain were that human life is meaningless and compassion is worthless and people don't deserve your help or care or love for them. Xie Lian had to backtrack and reject these new lessons in favor of the old ones he had already known in order to return to being kind.
Xie Lian losing everything he loved and knew, being stripped of his power, autonomy, safety, and community, and being ridiculed and humiliated, did not teach him anything worth knowing. He did not learn any valuable or important lessons from it. In fact, he needed to consciously decide that he wasn't going to let it change him and work to go back to the person he was before all that shit happened in order to avoid turning evil.
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(Originally posted as a thread on my twitter here)
In an angsty steddie mood so:
Thinking abt how Steve makes an effort to get into Eddie's hobbies, hangs out at Hellfire, and listens to his music, while Eddie is used to making fun of popular stuff and he doesn't think about how that also means he's making fun of stuff Steve enjoys.
He is obviously not TRYING to be a dick and he's such a sweet boyfriend, but he definitely rags on Steve when he wants to watch whatever game is on, makes fun of him when he listens to top 40, and teases him about how into fashion he can be.
Steve just rolls his eyes and laughs at him, says Eddie is just as self-absorbed as he is when it comes to his style, but the rest...it doesn't hurt, per se, but it falls in line with what Steve is used to - people don't care, and he's the one who makes the effort.
And Eddie is so good to Steve all the time, he genuinely loves him and takes care of him and is there for him, he just doesn't think about the fact that when he's dismissive of these things that matter to him, he's being dismissive about *Steve*.
It clicks one evening when Steve's talking about his day, how he went to one of Lucas' games and starts getting into the details about a specific play Lucas made, how impressive it was, but he cuts himself off mid-sentence and goes "you don't care, sorry-- how was band practice?"
And he's smiling at Eddie, fond and soft, but there's a tint of embarrassment at the corners of it, a pinch at his eyes. And Eddie's familiar with that look. Its the same look on his own face when he's been rambling about something for too long and somebody tells him to shut up.
It's the same look he gets when he's passionate and gets shut down and that discomfort coils in his stomach at the idea of being too *much*, of being annoying, of wearing out people's patience because he can't just keep his mouth shut.
And the worst part is - he'd been a few seconds away from cracking a joke about balls in laundry baskets and how stupid organized sports are and how nobody cares how good dumbass dudes are at throwing shit at other dumbasses.
And this time the discomfort in Eddie's stomach isn't embarrassment or shame, it's guilt. He can't stand that Steve has felt that way before - because he knows he has, he's heard the stories about his parents, knows Steve is too familiar with how bad it hurts to be insignificant.
But most of all, he can't stand the idea that he feels that way because of *Eddie*. That Steve isn't talking about something he cares about because he thinks - he knows, really - that Eddie will dismiss it.
And yeah, sure, it's a stupid basketball game. But it isn't stupid to Steve, and Eddie watches the air leave his boy's sails and his shoulders go a little tight like he's waiting for Eddie to make fun of it even while he's smiling and asking after Eddie, inviting a subject change
So Eddie waves a hand dramatically, rolls his eyes, "practice was fine, the usual - so what did Lucas do after that?" And Steve blinks at him in surprise, like he's shocked Eddie is asking.
"Um," Steve stutters, hesitates, and God Eddie feels like such an asshole, but he just keeps his eyes on Steve, does his best to look interested and engaged, and soon Steve is running through the game again, a small smile on his face, his enthusiasm obvious.
Eddie tries more after that. He asks about a song on the radio when Steve starts tapping his steering wheel to the beat. He stops complaining when Steve comes over to watch games with Wayne.
He even goes shopping with Steve, doesn't say a word when he fusses over two sweaters that look fucking identical from where Eddie is standing. He just shrugs and says "get both, sweetheart," and watches the way Steve grins when he gives his opinion.
Steve doesn't comment on what Eddie's doing, and Eddie doesn't make it a thing, but they can both feel the way their relationship feels more balanced now. Steve stops cutting himself off when he starts rambling, and Eddie still teases him sometimes, but it's playful, gentle.
And it's all worth it just for the way Steve fucking beams at him when Eddie joins him for Lucas' next game, holding hands in the family section and screaming themselves hoarse.
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