#this is what im meant to be doing in my life

[jestroer]

I do not know god’s or whos but I sure am doing some kinda work nontheless

#i am not the same person when drinking soda #this was in my head for like a week #hi for the love of god hello #i dont even know how to tag it #it wasnt really intended to be hermitshipping but there is nothing straight on this picture so i will tag it anyway #docm77 #bdoubleo100 #i hope bdubs will not decide to go to tumblr right about now #please #hermitshipping #i am so glad i decided to be an artist when i was little #this is what im meant to be doing in my life #court jester's art #hermits in dresses! #i just love this #it becomes more funny to me the more i see it

[delicourse]

i miss them a little if im gonna be honest

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #kageyama shigeo #kageyama ritsu #hanazawa teruki #tome kurata #tsubomi takane #shou suzuki #deliart #i meant for the image to be like. after the end but i also didnt think about the hairstyle changes. sorry...... #also i know i was like shou 100% has dwarf hamsters since he got 2 but u know what i dont care. golden hamster stan for life #im planning on getting one i've been checking out breeders near me so i can get a proper healthy one. there are so many good ones here too #i already am thinking on what color im gonna go for..getting picky even. something like offwhite.. silver pearl.. silver dove.. silver mink #jurys still out on wether im gonna get another female or not #i do love how big ladies get and their intense energy and work ethic. truly the most passionate creatures i've ever come across. inspiring. #but a lazy fluffy guy that just sits around and washes his balls all day does seem easier. less likely to climb my curtains. #i got distracted i love hamsters so much. look at my mop drawing now everyone

[cobaltfluff]

so i started playing persona 4

where are the QoL features

#persona series #art tag #ACK I FORGOR TO COLOUR THE BITS BEHIND HAIR nvm #i have no idea how to tag this!! #i fear what original p3 might have been like #i feel like a fake gamer man #like how did you guys do that #i feel like i would have given up if it was the first one i played #i am too stupid!! #im glad i have played through 5 and 3re #i am somewhat used to the flow of the game and the ability names #otherwise i would be STRUGGLING for my LIFE i tell you #like to be fair i dont think it's a huge world #BUT LIKE PLEASE IM LOST IN MY OWN HOUSE #also these protags are basically my OCs at this point #i borrow their canon personalities #and reshape them into something i like more hehehehe #edit: im crying im getting lowkey flamed on tweeter dot com #i just meant it as in joker spent a lot of time in tokyo!! one year changes a man!! #I KNOW inaba is small!! but QoL additions are always good!! #i get the appeal!! that you use your brain!! #you spend enough time to know the place!! but it's called QoL features not NECESSARY features!! #im cryin the boys ate just bantering #you can even read it as yu being like LOL you're a city boy now huh?? hahaha #now i really am fighting for my life and mental

[nart-is-a-monster]

When I tell you I loved reading this fic is bc I loved that much that I needed to draw it

Also it helped me practicing with gouache paints a little :3c

LINK OF THE FIC 🗣️💥

What summer meant to you it was something that I read and didn't knew how much I needed IT'S JUST MY FAVORITE AMOUNT OF STUFF IN A FIC KAHFKWKFHKW

Also @aziraphalesbookkeeper I hope you like it 🐈

And I run out of word to put at the end, so, this is the end.

Byeeeee :DDDD

#ao3 link #fanfictions are cosuming my life #vat7k #:3 heehee #varigo #alchemy boyfriends #tts #hugo rottewange #amazing fic #varian #hugo vat7k #hugo the human #uhhhhh #uhhh how do i tag this #varian and the seven kingdoms #also the las pics are sketches bc i got tired of rendering #and also im ending another comic #YEAH I THINK THAT'S ALL #yippee #what summer meant to you fic #my art <3

[hashtagartistlife]

odd little comic that’s been in the drafts for a while

#ichiruki #kurosaki ichigo #kuchiki rukia #artist life #bleach art life #bleach fanart #bleach #the vague idea behind this was. the first three and a bit pages #before the very long vertical dash #that's all rukia dreaming #but the last two pages is real life #and the irony of rukia dreaming that ichigo will do and say all these cruel things to her #and she just thinks. ah yeah that's normal. that's reasonable #but the moment he tells her he loves her #that's what she thinks is a fantasy.... #the idea that nothing ichigo can do or say to her will be crueller than. i love you #idk im doing a spectacularly horrible job at explaining it. i believe in death of the author anyway #if you didn't get what i meant to convey with this through the pictures alone #that just means i need to improve on my visual storytelling

[bookworm-2692]

Life Tracker updated for Episode 7! This one is much quicker than Episode 6 on account of not being on holiday at the time, even though there were two thirds more deaths this time. Previous posts: Session 6, Session 5, Session 4. Also Session 8 (finale) post!

As usual, close ups and commentary below the cut. I’ve also added another graph for the average time of each team, which will also be below the cut.

There was so much carnage! 45 whole deaths in a single session! Not all deaths were awarded time during the session, but Scott’s video advised that it would be added by next session, so I have taken the liberty to add all the time as I see fit, hence why Scott is back to 7.5 hours. I haven’t seen every episode yet (in fact, other than Scott, I’ve only seen those that have perma-died), so I’m not sure if anyone else’s time is a mismatch, but if so I’m happy to explain where I’m getting my time additions and subtractions from!

Now for some close ups.

First, there was enough chaos that I decided to take a close up of Session 6 and 7 together so we can properly appreciate it:

And a close up of Session 7 by itself:

So many people lost major time, so it’s interesting to see Scott’s uptick of time at the end - he ended on only 30 minutes less than he would have been if he hadn’t died at all this session. Pearl didn’t die at all, and got the kill credit for Martyn blowing himself up in a trap, so she actually ended the session 30 minutes better than she started it. Grian also did very well for himself - he killed and died so many times, but somehow ended on the exact time he would have been on if he had experienced a peaceful deathless session.

BigB, Cleo, and Martyn all ended the session 1 hour poorer than they started, and Bdubs and Scar ended 1.5 hours below where they would have been. Nosy Neighbours are thus doing super well, with Mean Gills and Clockers not too far behind, in terms of maintaining position from the start of the session.

TIES had an awful time this session, with Impulse and Tango both losing a net 2 hours, and Etho and Skizz losing a net 2.5 hours - and obviously Skizz entirely died.

Joel possibly had the worst time, losing a net 3.5 hours this session - though it didn’t help that 5 of his 7 deaths were all caused by the one person. Technically Jimmy didn’t do too badly, given he only lost a net 1.5 hours... but given that he was out of the series only an hour into the session, and also the first out entirely... it really didn’t go well for him either

I also find it interesting the sheer number of vertical lines this graph, the ones representing a death immediately followed by a kill or vice versa. I would love to figure out a way to show only one line at a time on the graph, so we can more easily see someone’s journey, but I haven’t had time to look into it yet.

Now onto the graph of the average times per team.

This one is super interesting to me, especially TIES’s line - they had the lowest average life right from the start, but somehow by Session 4, through Session 5, and for most of Session 6, they were the team with the highest average time, and then it quite literally went downhill from there. The only thing saving them from being last now is the fact that the Bad Boys are down to only a single living player, and even then Grian is doing far better than most of TIES.

It’s also interesting to me how Mean Gills had a significant time uptick at the end of both Session 6 and Session 7 (the first due to Martyn and the second due to Scott). Scott’s time was so high that it kept Mean Gills’ average time as yellow for all of Session 6 despite Martyn being red for most of it... and Martyn then got enough kills to keep it there. Mean Gills is also the only team in the entire graph to anywhere gain such consistent significant time.

These averages also coincide with the comments I made above about the time offset difference for each player from the start to end of the session. Mean Gills are doing well, but they’ve been doing well for so long that I’m sure most players are aware that they need to be a target. Nosy Neighbours are also doing well but I feel like they’ve flown under the radar, and are not a significant target right now.

Here is a close up of this graph with Sessions 1-4:

And the close up for Session 5-7:

And the Session 7 only close up:

I kept the dead players in the teams’ averages, since I think it is a better reflection of the teams’ strength as a whole, but I also created a version that excluded dead players. In those screenshots you can really see Bad Boys’ and TIES’ time jumping up at a death, instead of falling as it did here.

Here are the alternate averages graph:

And close ups:

This makes Bad Boys look a lot better, because Grian does have a lot of time... but he is also alone. And there is definitely strength in numbers. Two players at an hour and a half each can fend off an attacker more easily than a single player at three hours can... unless nerves and panic get to them, as we definitely saw this session.

Wow and I almost forgot to include the raw data for this session!

The first hour of the session:

The second hour of the session:

There is just so much death! Look at all the box outlines!! I could barely fit this data on two screens on the zoom I was on, and I did not want to zoom out further.

I also obviously have data for the averages, but it was too far away from the column with the times on it that I wasn’t sure if it would still be useful on its own? Let me know if you want to see it!

This has once again been fascinating to see, and I cannot wait to see how Session 8 will go. Will it be the last session? Will they go until everyone is dead? Will they somehow have enough people with enough time to get to Session 9? Will Mean Gills be the final two and get to play fun relaxing games like Scott was suggesting? 

Only time will tell.

#limited life smp #24lsmp #limlife #once again i hate trying to work out what tags for a post #i got to this point in the tags before i realised i forgot to add the number data #i still love that impulse accidentally killed scott and became yellow again #and that scott also became yellow again #so there was less than 14 minutes between there still being two yellows on the server... and jimmy permadying #thirteen minutes and 41 seconds exactly by my calculations #which is crazy given we had whole sessions of yellows only #which meant it was hours between last green and first red #so less than a quarter of an hour between last yellows (and two of them!) and first permadeath is crazy #i always ramble in the tags bc i dont know how to wrap the post up #why do i always post these as im going to bed #its after midnight and im yawning now #anyway enjoy! #very glad i got to post this before the weekend ended this time #well it was still sunday when i started writing the post #its 12:15am on monday now. technically #my spreadsheets

[ethanharmonia]

Erm emo man with his erm emo boyfriend erm

#pokemon #pokemon au #they are meant to be husbands i do not give a flying pidgey to what yall are gonna say #strangled red #pokemon strangled red #glitchy red #pokemon creepypasta #pokepasta #fnf hypno lullaby #fnf lullaby #hypnos lullaby #men in their 20s are so gay #never in my life have i been this gay #two men kissing is all i need omg #THEY ARE GAY YOUR HONOR THEY ARE MARRIED #drawing on my phone will always end up like this what the freak #never allow me to cook on my phone otherwise you get this #getting too much into creepypastas that im even forgetting my own native language #english is taking me over as im about to explode with gayness

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

3l!grian is frequently depicted as a tragic figure and sometimes i wonder if we even watched the same series

#like yes he is tragic. every character in the series is tragic but i think hes easily the least tragic of the winners #(except maybe cleo. i have my own thoughts about how cleos victory plays into her core themes and why its not as joyous or triumphant as #cleo the players and the fandom at large make it seem that i will have to make a real post about at some point) #grian dies Laughing. he smiles and calls it a dual victory before the final fight. his last words are “its been amazing.” #to me Grians arc is about how he came in with this sense of mirth. had it ripled away by the reality when his joke gets Scar killed. #and then rediscovers it as he learns that the horror of their circumstances doesn't need to keep him from delight #plus also ive never seen a man more delighted to explode three of his friends #ill also bring up that Martyns lore has Grian involved in the games explicitly to COMBAT the angst #that Grians inherent silliness and joy makes the players less hopeless as they meet their endings #and theres obviously parts of martyns lore i can take or leave but this is one area where Eyes and Ears lines up very well with what actions #the characters take and so im happy to bring it up #unlike other parts such as “limlife pearl and cleo retained more trauma between seasons than any player has before” #which i do directly refute as it doesn't seem to line up with the way the characters act and the story plays out #thats for another post though #my point here is 3l grian was having the time of his life and i think there are some fanon interpretationd that disregard that #which theyre free to do im definitely someone who has ignored canon plenty of times in the past (glances at worm) #but i think this is the sort of thing that makes the canon more interesting and compelling #anyway. um. rambled longer than i meant to there #grian #trafficblr #3rd life #3rd life smp #3lsmp

[possamble]

realizing im kind of a weirdo about laios and marcille

#possramble #ignore this im just babbling but #the thing is that like. i don't ship laios and marcille together. their relationship is so so important to me in that laios comphets himsel #and THINKS that he might be in love with her but he isn't and that's my insane obsession #platonic soulmates for real but they're so sweet together that i fully expect them to be shipped together #like i get it. that's almost the appeal for me. if dungeon meshi were any other series there'd be an epilogue where they get married #convention dictates that they're meant to be together as the male protagonist and his beloved female deuteragonist #but dungeon meshi DOESNT do that and i love it so fucking much they're the comphet besties ever for my strange little brain #like if i ever did an arranged marriage au it would absolutely be laios and marcille having a platonic political marriage and then just #the most insane mutual pining with marcille and falin while laios and marcille struggle their way into becoming best friends #the imagery of the king and his beautiful court mage being tender to each other and everyone thinking they're in love is like catnip to me #like yeah they'd be like that and have no idea people think they should be together and the subversion makes me so obsessed #the more people ship them romantically. the more i enjoy their platonic dynamic it's like some sort of weird comphet fetishism idk #people think they're in love and im outside the window like YES... YES!!! #but also the second i see stuff of them kissing on the mouth or fucking im like oh god no i went too deep in here i gotta get out #don't wanna see that. i'll go feral over the idea of laios and marcille being arm-in-arm like king and queen but they would not fuck. #i want marcille to be his default comphet beard and dance partner/plus one at official royal events but they're not kissing. #she's there on his arm because he's scared of the other noble women tryna get him and being a baby about it #and people see them muttering to each other and laughing and generally being very sweet and think that they're dating but they're not. #she's actually covered in hickies from falin underneath her dress and is gonna get dragon dicked right after the party is over #like she's in her bedroom and falin's helping her take her ridiculous dress off while listening to her complain about politics #and falin is the person she goes home to the person she falls asleep to and wakes up with #they're a triad of utter devotion to each other but only farcille's side of the triangle is romantic #it's almost like an open secret because they're not trying to hide it at all but people assume and are surprised to find out #like people are so right about her relationship with the toudens but with the siblings' roles switched #love of her life & irreplaceable life companion. does anyone get it #anyway. i don't know what's wrong with me #it bothers me that they're not the undisputed most popular het ship for marcille on ao3 #it's unnatural. marcille being paired with any other man should be a fringe case.

[skunkes]

the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

#talkys #this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did #there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way #but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset... #i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish #i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above #in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good? #isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than... #i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish #and because im no better than anyone else #my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck #pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day #i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!! #and it is true....! #we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish #i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler. #*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim #i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....

[skitskatdacat63]

Thank you guys so much for all the cute picrews you replied with 🥹🥹🥹 im obsessed seeing what you've come up with!!!! Here are some I made 🤭🤭

+ ones my friends who know nothing about f1/vettonso made:

Friend on the left: why did she make Fernando into such a fuckboy 😭😭 and i was like "...hahaha yeah that cape outfit is from another thing I made :)"

Other friend of the right: she said she was trying to make them look like other characters. I think she said Fernando was one of the Three Musketeers and Seb was Luke Skywalker djkfkgl. And she also forced me to give a "presentation" on the racesuit ref PowerPoint I made 😭😭😭

I love how they didn't question the shipiness of it at all hahaha, one of them was like "oh are these your gay racing drivers? Very cute :)"

#some time ill try and make a commentary post abt the process and my thoughts abt all of it #i meant to do it last night when my thoughts were fresh #but i was too tired 😭 and now i forget what i wanted to sau #lol using it now when its finished #im like jfc i put so many options 😭 #now i just want to make a giant compilation post #thats like: 'rainbow of vettonso' #or uhhhhhhh....50 shades of vettonso 🤭🤭 #bcs like..man i drew every racesuit #I NEED THEM TO BE SEEN #that was honestly the easiest part byw #it was like a coloring book once i finished the base 🥰 #if you want ill post my 42 slide powerpoint of reference pics DJFKGKKGLV #so chaotic #but thank you guys for using it!!!!! #im so happy 🥹🥹🥹 #forcing everyone in my life to make their own vettonso >:) #catie.rambling.txt

[abirddogmoment]

The problem about Mav having been a take everywhere kind of dog is that I can deeply feel his absence no matter what I'm doing or where I am.

#this isnt meant to be a devastating post #but the fact of the matter is that im seeing mav everywhere #he got so many good adventures in his short life #but it means that most places i visit i have previously visited with him #i went on this gorgeous camping trip this weekend #and all i could think about was how mav was with me (and loved it) the last time i was there #there wasnt really any aspect of my life that wasnt deeply entwined with my dog #every hike i did was planned for dog enrichment #every trip i took was paced so he could get out and stretch his leggies and sniff the wind #i just drove four straight hours because there was no need to stop and it felt??? bad??? #every time i roll down the window to look at a bird i listen for his comically loud sniff from his crate #(luckily pike does fill that niche when shes in my car - she loudly sniffs everytime we roll windows down and it brings me joy) #im doing reasonably okay all things considered #(i mean within expectations - im still crying about losing mav most days) #but his absence is palpable no matter what im doing #and that sucks so much

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[quietwingsinthesky]

obsessed with the idea of the doctor and the master standing together in opposition to gallifrey post-end of time. less in it being the reality of the situation, and more in it being what the master perceives it to be in the immediate aftermath of being. well. told he was going to be disposed of. the combination of that rejection with the doctor choosing him, the way that sets them up with a common enemy. but where that enemy for the master becomes gallifrey in the abstract with the council as the face of it, the doctor never sees it that way, never thinks of it as the two of them against their own world. the doctor, crucially, kept count of the children. when he saves gallifrey, it isn’t about the master at all, not to anyone but the master themself. because how are they supposed to take the doctor choosing gallifrey over them as anything other than a betrayal.

#the master and his stupid warped sense of importance to both the doctor’s choices and the universe as a whole #which is. well. i mean he’s not alone in that. the doctor has the same ideas about himself in relation to the master. and the universe. #only the universe obviously sometimes validates him because this is a story. about him. #but my point is. the master wanting gallifrey to burn post-end of time. setting up the hybrid prophecy as missy. makes sense to me. it does. #i just wish there was more. conflict to it. more to lash out at the doctor with because the master is choosing him so *why* isn’t he #choosing the master back. why is he trying to stop the hybrid plans. this is what they’re meant to *do*. this is what being on the same side #*means*. that there must be an opposition and that opposition must be gallifrey as a whole. because in that most crucial moment the master #got hurt. and time echoed back because of what the council did to make it so he’d been hurting his entire life. just so they could use him. #you get it? you get it. my fucked up raccoon of a man she has so many issues. #it’s just such a fascinating concept to me because that is still *gallifrey*. that’s still his home. the master is not heartless. #when he tries to connect with the doctor he does it to references to gallifrey’s physical features. this is a place he mourned you know? #in his way. so. you know. how do you look at your home and want it to burn right? how far do things have to escalate that you’d rather it be #ash than a place to go back to. and how do you deal with pushing forward with this plan. when you thought you wouldn’t have to push it alone #like for one minute there they were really truly on the same side. their own side. and then they weren’t. and no one told the master that #they weren’t anymore until she got punched in the head by that knowledge. you know? #rambling again im so sorry #doctor who #thoschei #the doctor #the master

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Summary:

Three little scenes on the theme of singing.

:) I was in the mood for something short and sweet. Hope you enjoy!

#gotta go back to work for a bit but i couldn't resist posting this as soon as i had a few free minutes #i originally meant to post these on here only but the middle vignette got away from me a bit. lol #i think the moment miles complained about rose humming is the moment that cemented my severe dislike of him. like. dude. #your girlfriend is snow-white mary poppins the most adorable princess ever #and you complain? that she hums??? im going to break your kneecaps???? #idk what else i can say about dorothy singing 'what'll i do'. that scene is everything it changed my life ngl #i guess i wanted a happier memory related to it than 'oh she sings it and then leaves forever four episodes later' #i hope rose's pov works well! i'm never quite sure about it. i should give a try to a whole fic in her pov soon #please tell me im not the only one who found blanche's beer jingle to be the sweetest thing ever. she sang it in such a soft voice #like it's funny ofc but i just melted #might be because im in love with her though #i always ramble in the tags when i post this stuff lmao. i hope you all have fun #hugs and kisses for you! #the golden girls #golden wives #writing

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.