#this one wasnt a hyperfixation for me so have been able to just take it as is

[variousqueerthings]

got three things that i wanna think about with the show now that it's finished (not as negative or positive, although some of it is more one or the other)

the function of allo-romance and (vs?) queerness on the show

the three season structure and how it affected the characters

the overall ethos of it and the times it worked better or worse

with a couple of thoughts around the structure of football (which I kind of have given heart-eyes to already, but look, I just think football is Neat) and the "tease" of an afc womens team at richmond, and generally womens football (which, both of these also play into the thoughts on structure and ethos)

but yeah, I had a good time with that, I'm glad I watched this show, I'm interested in how it fits into current focuses and writing-styles, and some very talented people got to do some excellent work

#ted lasso #im watching ted lasso #am interested in how he writes himself out of the story at the end which yeah #he was the character who'd reached a certain Point moreso than most if not all of the other characters #this one wasnt a hyperfixation for me so have been able to just take it as is #and not get too hung up on how i maybe would have wanted it to be if id been more emotionally invested #i think it's been a very worthwhile fun story and the matches were wonderful!

[getallemeralds]

hi I know this is a long time late, but my Jsab Hyperfixation just resurfaced and I discovered your blog and JAAB. The new storylines were EPIC and I just wanted to know how are Swears and Friend doing? Is Swears ok? I was SO shocked when he got shattered while in TIO… I didn’t even comprehend that that was possible… maybe something was wrong with the tree? As in, like how the tree’s triangles gave TIO their power? That’d explain why it looked so weird afterwards. But yeah. Please send them a hug. Your Jsab blog was one of my favourites <3 thank you for making it. :)

AAH HI!! i literally woke up today thinking about jsab (and ja&b especially) and im really excited to see this ask because despite how long its been i still love talking abt it

Swears is okay! they've still got a crack from being shattered, but that's about the worst of it and they're proud of it because "haha yeah that sucked but i SURVIVED >:D"! the original plan wasnt for Sovereign (powered-up Sovi) to be able to full-on shatter TIO: instead they would've forcibly depowered them and everyone would've had to split up again to find another way. except when i started drawing the panels i changed the plan on the fly and had to run with the consequences

the reason Sovereign was able to shatter TIO in the first place was a mix of "Sovi is using the entire treeangle to power themself" and "Swears stole a fraction of their power". so, enough to transform, but not the same as having two triangle pieces making them completely invincible against Annihilate's single piece.

Friend's happy to have Swears back and as themself again, although they've still got some stuff to work through - something that came up a couple of times and that i wanted to focus more on sometime as part of Friend's storyline was how they were more prone to temporary shattering (and got completely knocked out of the fight against Annihilate) and how they felt useless compared to Swears as a result. when Swears seemingly got perma-shattered again, Friend tried to take up their mantle as the reckless afraid-of-nothing one.. except that also fell flat.

the plan was for this to eventually pay off with Friend helping Cube's sister Anvil (who'd gotten teased a couple times) against the next big threat and holding their own without Swears's help! and Swears would've realized how they contributed to Friend's insecurity (eg the argument they had in Clash that caused Awoo to get dunked) and do the whole "you don't need to prove yourself to me, i already know you're awesome" thing and try to be more outwardly supportive

me and my co-muns had a LOT of plans for how justasksandbeats was gonna go, but constant tech issues + burnout + life issues + general strife with the fandom combined into me not being able to do it anymore. if the other muns are okay with it though i can probably scrape together a recap of what was gonna happen! or at least the broad strokes of it, i tried to keep things loose to account for anon intervention or my own tendency to write on the fly :p

thank you so much for enjoying it!! despite the difficulties (dear god, the difficulties.. my poor tablet and computer...) ja&b was a lot of fun to make and it means a lot to me whenever people bring it up. glad to hear people are still discovering it even today!!

#leo chirps #leos reply #Anonymous #long post #justasksandbeats #leo.txt

[goremet-chef]

behold!! a long ass ramble about sotf and the forest cuz im super hyperfixated and love both with all my heart

my bestie had a super old computer and she wasnt able to run the forest anymore so we couldnt play it for like a year or 2 😭😭 but she bought a laptop and we finally played again after all that time and it was so fun and we met a worm (by we met a worm, i mean SHE met the worm, it was right behind me and i had no idea except for when i jumped down the cliff to get into our house cuz i kept forgetting we had a zipline, i saw 3 little worm bits fall down to my right after me and then i left the game as fast as i could cuz im not about that!! (no fr it was fucking horrible i was so scared my hands were shaking for like 5 minutes 💀 its fun i love it))

and then we beat it and ugh man i wanna play it again like. DONT GET ME WRONG i love sotf so much and i was literally stimming so hard when i heard it was coming out so soon like i was so fucking hype, but the newer creepies arent as scary to me i think? EXCEPT THE CATERPILLAR fuck that noise but otherwise like i think the main this is cuz right listen here is my tale okay

so it was our first playthru of the forest, we saw markiplier and his friends play it (their newer one) and so we were like wow this looks great guys lets get this game so we got it and listen man i just thought it was CANNIBALS thats all i had no fucking idea there were mutants, sooo

i was logging with them above our house area (we built it the same spot as mark shush) and i hear a deer running right and im like okay whatever it was so unimportant i hardly remember that detail, and then i am got!! i am gotten something has got me and i turn and its a fucking armsy and i dont remember since it was a while ago but i know i freaked the fuck out and i was like GUYS theres a fucking. a thing theres a THING come down from the cliff we gotta go and mannn

let me tell you that FEAR has never left me, armsy is the mutant im most afraid of just cuz of that first initial encounter. like the way it TOWERED OVER ME BRO and i didnnt know what i was looking at, shit man. AWFUL, i love it. the newer creepy mutants are just smaller i think, but i still think theyre very cool

i will say tho no shade (full shade) but my friends arent like. they arent GOOD at listening or looking out for danger, so i am our eyes and ears most of the time

i am SO OVERLY PARANOID IN THE FOREST its like actual hell i can feel the stress taking over my body (believe it or not, i do enjoy playing this game) its crazy and theres been so many times ive saved our asses cuz i can hear an armsy coming from a mile away 💀 its fun tho we have fun here

yeah idk i miss it i might ask if we can play more cuz i kinda want megan to spawn around our base (also speaking of megan i kicked her ASS MAN all the fear ive ever felt and the nerves i had before the fight were completely turned to dust because fighting something that size activated my monster hunter instincts and i wasnt scared anymore i kept staggering her with my fire club and i did the finishing blow it was epic. my friend died like 4 times somehow but its okay we did it)

#sons of the forest #the forest #sotf

[m00mincr0ssing]

lets talk the lion king 2, everybody.  so. for those of you who haven’t seen it, first of all, this will probably contain spoilers.  second of all, go watch it. third, this is nuka.

and this is kovu. his little brother.

and this is their sister, vitani. (younger than nuka, i THINK older than kovu but i’m not sure they might be twins)

all three of these characters are VERY important to this post.

so, Kovu, the neurotypical coded sibling, was chosen by Scar to become king after him, even though Kovu wasn’t Scar’s son. whereas, Nuka is constantly theorized to be scar’s ACTUAL son.  and honestly, it would make sense.  like look at scar, then look at nuka. these two are OBVIOUSLY very closely related.  but that’s not the point of this post.

the point of this post is how Zira, their biological mother, treated them as individuals.

before you start talking to me about how “oh but shes the villain” or “she’s a lion” i dont actually care.  she may have been the villain, but these were her OFFSPRING. and lions or not, they’re sapient.  like they have morals.

ok so lets go.  lets talk about them youngest to oldest, because i want to save Nuka for last so i can REALLY go off.

Kovu first.  Zira WORSHIPPED Kovu. or at least, that’s how it appears at first glance.  but if you’ll take the time to look a little closer, she really only worshipped the fact that he was chosen to be king.

as SOON as he “betrayed” Zira, she didn’t care anymore. she was literally ready to kill him.  like huh???  

i may add more on that later, but now let’s move on to one of my very first gay awakenings Vitani. Zira saw vitani as a soldier. nothing more, nothing less.  like, when Kovu gets the chance to kill Simba and doesnt, and Vitani sees it, she immediately reports back to her mother.  her mother freaks out at this report. doesn’t even thank vitani for literally SPYING on her own brother.  like what???  Vitani has always struck me as not neurotyical, but not SUPER neurodivergent either. this will be important at the end of the story, kids, so remember this.

ok now i’m gonna GO OFF about nuka.  i have ALWAYS related to nuka. and i only JUST recently realized why.  it’s because he’s neurodivergent, and his mother treats him like shit.  and. that’s exactly how my life went. so this boy. he SHOWERED his mother in as many gifts as he could access, he did EVERYTHING he could to please this bitch, and how did she repay him??? by abusing him.  all nuka wanted was for his mother to give him even an OUNCE of the love that she gave to kovu. but she never did!  my guess is because he’s neurodivergent.  and, zira REALLY strikes me as a conservative

to conservatives, having a neurodivergent child is basically the worst thing that could possible happen to you. not the worst thing that could happen to your child, but to YOU.  i mean, the way conservatives treat autistic people, even their own offspring, is APALLING.  if you’re conservative, and your child comes out autistic, you’re gonna treat them like they’ll never be good enough. or like they’ll never be able to understand ANYTHING.  thats just one example though. 

i’m not autistic, but I am ADHD, and bipolar.  I hyperfixate on things CONSTANTLY.  a GOOD parent would at least PRETEND to be interested when i’m rambling about my current hyperfixation.  but conservatives don’t usually make good parents to nd kids.  and sadly, my parents were VERY conservative, so any time i tried to tell my mother about something that i was interested in and she wasnt, she’ dlet me know she didn’t care.  whether she did it passve aggressively, or just, straight up said “I don’t really care” (which was what usually happened. the “i dont really care” option.).

i guarantee you that nuka tried to tell his mother things he thought were cool. all the time. he found a pretty bug? ooooo i gotta show mother! saw a really twisty tree? OOOO mother will want to hear about that!!! and i also guarantee that his mother blew him off every time he tried to show her something cool or something he found interesting.  like.  im finna write angsty nuka fanfiction i’m so mad. like UGGGGH

oh and do you know when Zira realized how much she meant to him? (if she ever realized it. i’m not sure she wasn’t pretending to be completely honest)....  it was when he literally DIED trying to impress her! like he’s dying under a log and she’s only JUST NOW realizing “oh my gods this is my son and i’ve treated him like SHIT his ENTIRE life!!!”

like uggggh i hate zira so much. like, i love a lot of villains, but not this bitch who literally makes me think of how shitty my own mother was to me.

ok thats all. i just needed to make a very angry tumblr post™.  that’s all.  thanks for coming to my fucking TED talk everybody.

#the lion king #the lion king 2 #nuka #kovu #vitani #neurodivergent #neurotypical bitches be like #fuck parents who think kids need to prove theyre worthy of being loved #because no one needs to prove theyre worthy of being loved #and youre a shithead if you even subconciously think they do

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

[ledamemangociana]

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

#Mango Goes To Jail #long post #sorry this is kinda depressing #i just needed to vent #im feeling myself slipping into Yet Another Depressive Spell

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

#its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #i know ive said that there are a lot of new blogs popping up #but uhhh i dont really dare to interact with them #considering they kinda did come in just when shit had hit the fan n idk i might have been known as The Problematic Blog tm #so i understand if ppl dont want to interact with me n im fine with it. so for now i wont be initiating anything #like dropping asks into inboxes unless i know the mun n theyre comfortable with me doing this #i will interact with everyone who drops by my inbox tho!! #i also tend to get to replies for other blogs faster than general replies cos i feel bad if i kept the other person waiting for too long #I DO forget about rp replies sometimes tho. sometimes #i try my best to get to every one of them tho. even when im kinda busy this period aha #also starting off is actually easy. its about maintaining thats difficult i feel #which is also why i havent done up a genshin ask blog yet HAHAHAHAHA #i really hate to give up on something ive already started when it comes to art projects so

[gcldenchild]

my panic has mostly passed because im accepting the fact that ill likely only pass three of my six classes this semester, but i feel like i should be honest about this even if ill just delete it later.

fma - and more importantly, this specific blog and goldie - is my first major hyperfixation since 2015 to result in my complete lack of focus on anything educationally until the very end of the semester.

all throughout this week i knew i wasn’t coming out of this unscathed records-wise. i still scrambled to get what i could done and after being honest with my dad i decided to take a break from college when the fall semester starts up because i genuinely don’t think i’ll be able to keep pace with it. i don’t think its just a matter of the online classes being forced because of my state, even though it contributed - i think i just have extreme problems with my neurodivergency IN GENERAL when it comes to education now.

it was bad in highschool, but it’s worse now that i have the weight of being a legal adult on my shoulders and expectations to figure out what im going to do and what i need to prepare for. im glad i can finally come to terms with that, but im just ... frustrated it happened this way, i guess.

in any case, i have a lot of free time now. i wont be doing stuff college-wise for the rest of the year other than working on my art portfolio. i won’t bother caring about my final grades for this - i can just check them whenever i feel mentally ready to see them after this week closes out.

ive just been battling the feelings of being a disappointment for this whole week so its really been eating at me. ive been attempting to distract myself with goldie but it really boiled over today. im thankful for every single one of my friends that’s been helping me with this - i just really needed someone overall to talk to.

i know this wasnt really long, but thank you guys anyway if you read. ive just been mentally struggling and knowing that theres people who validate my feelings and sympathize is enough to help, even if its all entirely of my own making.

#{|❂|} THE ONE BEYOND THE GATE | ooc. #tbd probably #vent post

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so it’s self-hate hour <3. today was good until it wasn’t. and like??? i fail one thing that doesnt matter (except it does, but it doesnt really) it just set me off. and i havent really told any family about it. i just hate all of it so much. i cant do grades like a normal fucking person. or take tests without anxiety. i just feel like a failure. this happens every fucking time. EVERY TIME i fail one thing, it’s suddenly “im done” and a switch snaps in my brain. and i hate myself. and im a failure. and i cry and scream. and want to jump out of a fucking window, or walk in front of a fucking car. because of a grade. and i dont know if it’s because i expect myself to always be the best, and gifted kid bullshit. or because im actually losing it and nothing’s going to get better.

every time i form a fucking hyperfixation, i ruin it myself, or it’s ruined for me. i cant watch my favorite shoes because of negative memories tied to it. nobody around me likes x thing, so i would have to explain and i always feel like im being annoying about it. 

i just hate it so fucking much. i feel welcome in a place, then i don’t, because things happen and people change, and people lie. and i feel like no matter where i am, i always have to watch my fucking back. and i just want to feel safe for once somewhere. here i do, but i feel like ive got to prepare myself for something else bad to happen, and it just sucks. my friends always seem to leave. or i send them away. and i get nightmares and think about it day after day. its almost been a fucking year since i got rid of someone. and i still fucking think about her. and i hate myself for it. she was toxic, i was toxic. i ignored all the warning signs (like i always do) and got hurt. and i miss her. but i dont. it was fun while it lasted, but i couldnt do it anymore. and i fucking initiated it. so i feel like it was my fault. when it wasn’t, but im sure she isn’t having fucking nightmares about me, about everything being normal. she fucking forgot about me. and so has everyone else. and so WILL everyone else. 

why do i have to be like this.....i cant like things like a normal person. i dont talk about things like a normal person. and i know being conventionally attractive, or whats considered conventionally attractive to society is bad for a lot of people. but i just feel so fucking ugly. i dont see me when i look at me. i cant talk because im like “your brain doesnt match your body, you fuck” and it sucks. derealization sucks. and im just now figuring out that it’s a big issue for me. my hair becomes a sensory issue sometimes, when i wear it a certain way and im just trying to look how i want to and i cant. because i dont know who i am. i dont use the words “pretty” or “cute” when describing myself. might be a gender thing. but it’s because i, myself am confusing. god i look at my classmates and go “thats a normal looking person, thats a cute person” and i cant even look myself in the mirror and see who i am, or who i appear as to other people.  gender is confusing, my own gender is confusing. i dont know what it is. and im just...confused. i need an answer, but for once, there isn’t one for me.

the one week im supposed to be relaxing and here i am, stressing over dumb shit. and hating myself. and just digging myself further and further into the disgusting pit that is my brain and self-hatred. but i cant seem to stop. so im gonna be a bit sad for a while. and im not happy that today wasnt that good. i was sad today. and i didnt fucking eat lunch because i was busy indulging in a special interest. barely had a dinner.

when am i going to stop feeling so guilty about everything i do....i want to be happy. i want to be with my friends. and give them hugs. and go shopping at the mall, and be teenagers and pick out clothes and be stupid. i want to cry in someone’s shoulder after not seeing them for so long. and watch a movie. go to the skating rink and scrape my knees, like i used to. i want to go on road trips and conventions and see cosplayers and other people and have fun and not be able to sleep because im too excited.i want to read with a friend in a field, after having a picnic and just sit there for a while. come back late. i just want things to be okay again. because i know normal doesnt really exist anymore, nor will it ever do so as it did. i miss that. i miss fun. i miss feeling happy. i just want to be okay again.

[lesbianralzarek]

Hey uh, what’s vtm? You’ve got me kinda interested in it but I’m scared to google in case I see spoilers cuz it’s pretty old right?

vtm is short for Vampire: the Masquerade, which is a personal horror tabletop role-playing game :) just in case you dont know what personal horror is (cant blame anyone on that front, its pretty niche), its a type of horror where the player is the bad guy and you have to learn to cope with your frightening power/nature. youre struggling to hold onto the last threads of your humanity (or you can go full-on “evil”) and avoid letting “the beast” take over. its called “the masquerade” because you hide your true nature from both the world (so they dont know vampires exist) and to yourself (because its scary to come to terms with the monster you are). its also called that because of a set of rules called “the masquerade” that keep the supernatural world a secret so you dont get the inquisition called on your ass. vampires are, and always have been since caine killed abel, the real puppeteers behind world politics. its a very philosophically intriguing game. one of the main themes is that wealth and power slowly dehumanize those who hold it. its full of lore and interesting mechanics and world-building and theres nothing else really like it tbh 

youre right about it being old, it was made in the early 90s, but that doesnt mean that it has a whole lot of spoilers. thats because its a tabletop game so you get to tell the story that you want. i guess you might be able to make the case that some of the lore can be spoilers for other parts of the lore? esp in the case of the video game that takes place in L.A.

BUT, after typing this out i realize you might be talking about the video game 

if you mean VTMB, thats Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines and its my second favorite game ever. it was made in 2004 and does have spoilers surrounding it because of its still-active cult following. thats not a huge problem imo because the game can easily be completed in 30 hours (i took 70 hours my first playthrough tho because im a slut for lore and details and i had to know EVERYTHING) so its pretty easy to just knock it all out and then join the fandom afterwards. dont worry about the length of one playthrough tho because its replayability is mad good. you can do a million different playthroughs and not experience everything. you really get out what you put in. its considered one of the quintessential rpgs that made the genre what it is today. it has so much choice and interactivity and atmosphere and great music and expressive faces and memorable characters and voice acting that gives you chills and my god the writing. the literally legendary writing applies not even just to dialogue and stuff but to the pacing and tempo and story and so many meticulously crafted metaphysical details 

.

if you wanna play vtmb tho i gotta warn you of a few things first

1) install the unofficial patch. its just.... if you listen to nothing else i say, INSTALL THE PATCH. its so crucial that if you buy it on gog, it automatically comes with the patch. theyve been patching this game for years because it was so janky when it came out. you know the patch is installed if you open up a new game and get the option to choose your clan, gender, and history 

2) malkavians are oracles and will spoil the game for you if you play them the first time around. nosferatu will add more content but also lock you out of a lot of content because you cant interact with humans because youre too ugly and they call the cops on your freak ass. please dont play these two the first time around 

3) dont be afraid to be the Bad Guy. its fun. im a bitch-ass sensitive wimp who cant tell off someone who punches her in the face but i still love being an “evil” vampire in some playthroughs

4) it was made in 2004 as a satirical piece and, as such, a lot can come off as offensive. yet again, im a bitch-ass sensitive wimp, but it still wasnt so much that it ruined anything for me. thought it might deserve a disclaimer anyway 

.

if you have any other questions about the tabletop rpg or video game rpg, feel free to ask more questions :) its a hyperfixation of mine and im always down to talk about it. if you end up playing it, hope you have the time of your unlife :):):) 

#vtm #vampire the masquerade #im sure someone out there could explain it a bit better but i hope i did okay #vtmb #bloodlines #Anonymous

[fueledbysprite]

abandoned wips masterlist

so not too long ago i did an insta poll asking if i should expose all my abandoned fic drafts cause i mean it’s not like theyre ever gonna see the light of day otherwise. i was going to do it when i hit 3k kudos on ao3 and i did so i suppose it has come time for me to expose my mistakes

for obvious reasons, don’t repost these (idk why anyone would lol) but if you really like one of these and want to see it continued, just hit up my ask box and i may or may not consider~

Miscellaneous Fandoms:

Ninjago: Zephyr - a Morro backstory fic bc the hageman bros refuse to feed me more content of my son. barely started it but yknow its there

Miraculous Ladybug/BoBoiBoy: this failed attempt at a fanginette fic bc @secretagentspydetectiveninja got me invested even tho writers block is a binch hahshs

BoBoiBoy:

kokotiam gang angst that reminded me i cannot for the life of me write emotional angst (or any angst for that matter oop)

ramenzo (and kaifang) angst that i churned out on a saturday afternoon on a writing spike instead of doing homework bc I Do Not Control the Writing Juice

au where bbb is a forest guardian(?) and fang just wants away from Society (same fang same) i will probably be yearning for woodland aus till the day i die bc who *doesnt* wanna ditch everything and go live in the middle of the woods amirite?

ramenzo n boifang water fight bc you cant convince me these idiots dont get up to ridiculous shenanigans on their downtime

abandoned draft for the sequel to the og ramenzo fic (dont bother reading it literally nothing happens i swear)

i literally don’t remember where i was going with this i think it was supposed to be fang introspection but idk??

uhh kaifang with ramenzo vibes i think this was gonna be? i genuinely don’t remember anymore oop-

RAMENZO IN QUARANTINE yes this one was regular au (i mean duh) and it’s a shame i never ended up finishing it-

i am actually goboifang t r a s h...until i realized im going to have to make all the food by myself and i never learned to make food :’)) (fr if anyone provides me with any kind of fanon gbf content i will love you forever pls)

this...exists even tho i honestly prefer it didnt but ramenzo is ramenzo n ramen has freckles i will fite u on this (dont read it pls)

if anyone wants ramenzo crumbs (and i mean that quite practically) then feel free to consume the Specks

dont read this pls im begging just dont lets yeet it into the void it doesnt exist~ I Do Not See It

update: i discovered this uhh kaifang post-bora ra incident thing in my other drive

Miraculous Ladybug:

okay forewarning there are wayyyy too many of these so im skipping the ones that are sequels/dependent on other fics for context just to spare myself from having to sort through this mountain

i was planning to participate in chlonath week 2k19 (unfortunately for chlonath nation I Do Not Control the Hyperfixation oop) if you want context then ask

marcnath crumbs thats it thats the doc

oh look allya is self projecting again (writing is still pain) (marcnath)

for the one who requested chloenette with the dialogue prompt i am so sorry

idk why this feels like something ive posted before but then again all lovesquare is the same to me (dead) so who knows im not gonna bother checking hshsh (marichat)

chlonath go to comic con or sth idk chloe is tsundere as always (or would have been anyway if i ever ended up Finishing this)

i *think* this was based on a @terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus post but heck if i remember now- (lukanette??)

i have absolutely no recollection as to where i was going with this but if anyone finds the concept interesting then by all means go ahead n snatch it- (manon finds the miraculous i guess?)

this is a great. opening. to a chloe fic. that doesnt exist. oof :,)

caline bustier’s home for orphans amirite (i mean she basically already adopted the whole class so)

im genuinely not a fan of the jealous!lover trope but someone in the marcnath server wanted some at one point so i. attempted. and failed but you know thats to be expected at this point :’3

oh look allya is projecting her writing struggles onto marc again is anyone surprised?

theres probably a museum brotp story in here but it doesnt exist and at this point it never will rip

oh good lord not this again i genuinely managed to forget about it for a while until now-

i just read the first line and im already reeling what the heck is this nathanette(??)

WHY IS THERE MARICHAT IN MY WIP FOLDER WHAT

allya stop projecting onto emo weebs challenge failed

i really wanna know where the context for chlonath skiing trip came from i literally have 0 recollection of this at all??

YO I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE anyway nath n aroace!alix arranged marriage au anyone?? well too bad cause i abandoned it oop-

ahahahahahahaha wdym i wrote 7k of chlonath and then ditched it i would never do that lmao-

i think this was a hunger games au uh

something something marcnath

marcnath angst i guess? *allya pls stop trying to write angst we’ve already established that is not a thing you can do*

something something chlonath

im never gonna forgive @powerdragonmoon for the fact that i thought “beecock” while glancing over this to figure out wth was going on. cholaon works here too tho so that is what i shall call it //sideways glare at moon

take your otp. now put them on a trampoline. but heaven forbid you ever finish the fic- (chlonath if it wasnt obvious)

nathanette doll au from forever ago with @lotus-duckies that was a real concept its a shame i have 0 commitment

i wanna call this lukanathanette but i honestly don’t remember where i was going with it so idk

hi uhm what is this and why is it so depressing allya fr quit self projecting on emo tomatoes oml

chlonath established relationship i guess??

museum brotp go skating?? is that what this is?

how much chlonath do i hAVE also chloe u tsundere

nathaniel is Yearning n tbh i dont blame him cause same (ft. marc)

i could swear this was gonna be luklonath (chlolukanath??) but i wouldnt be able to remember-

if anyone can figure out what’s going on with marc pls tell me bc i dont-

cholaon but theres no context

Oh god im finally done good lord that’s all of em i hope i never have to look at a mlb doc again in my life anyway pls be grateful n enjoy the crumbs n stuff thanks i sacrificed my sanity for this-

#writing from the void #and now #allya writes #i did this for yall thirteen (13) ig followers man #whew #happy 3k woot #now take ur food #n be thankful #uwu #uhh how to tag #o yea #ml #mlb #miraculous ladybug #ml fic #not gonna tag ninjago cause #all too well #barely #n then #bbb #boboiboy #bbb fic #aight thats it #im out #abandoned wips #if you want moar then ask 4 it legit #now my work here is done #finally

[funeralllhome]

When I posted about my trip to Weis, i got some really interesting questions and some really rude questions and had alot of nice conversations about randy with other people, which was great, I really wasn't expecting any kind of response at all.

One of the questions I got the most was "why? Why do you go there?"

And I dont see this as a nasty question or an opportunity to be rude. I haven't individually answered any of them because I was trying to come up with a blanket response but it was a little harder than I thought it would be, but I've thought alot about it recently and I've finally got the words I want to use together, so I'm going to try my best not to sound silly.

I would be lying if I said I was interested in the shooting or with randy as soon as it happened. The shooting actually took place on my 23rd birthday. I live in a part Maryland that borders Pennsylvania, and puts me about 4 hours from tunkhannock where the shooting happened. I read about it very briefly when it happened and that was that, it wasn't really high on my radar at the time. I've been interested in true crime since I was about 14, there really wasn't a platform to share that interest on at that time. My earlier tumblr days had a big emphasis on jeffrey dahmer because he was what I was most interested in. I had become very much obsessed with him and being on this website gave me the freedom to post about him and talk to other people about him which was something I didn't have before. I've had several other hyperfixations of the same kind since I've been on here (Columbine, dylann roof etc.)

But then I found randy.

When I found randy, I wasnt really sure what he had even done, I knew he had been an active shooter and had committed suicide but that was about it. When I got further into him and watched his youtube videos, read his posts, things like that, I was absolutely invested in it, in him. I'm not really sure what it is about him that draws me to him, I'm still trying to figure it out.

When I found out that the Weis was only 4 hours from my home, I was able to convince my brother to take the trip with me there for the first time in January 2019. It was a long, cold trip, in the middle of January. We had to drive up a mountain to get there (literally). We ended up getting to the store around 6 in the afternoon, after it was already dark.

That night when we arrived back home, I had the time to really reflect on where we went.

He died there. The last place he ever set foot in alive was that fucking grocery store. It must have been one of the quietest, loneliest moments of his entire life when he killed himself. His family was at home, asleep in bed, while he was killing himself only a few minutes away. He was someone's something. He existed.

I humanize randy stair. I dont see him as a monster because I choose not to. I see his actions as awful but I dont see him as awful. I dont believe he was a collection of his actions.

Going to that grocery store is important to me. When I say it outloud, it sounds..stupid. I dont ever tell anyone except my family and one or two of my close friends when I go because I dont want to have to explain why I am going there. I have a fear that an explanation would also create the misconception that I'm going there for something disgusting or for shock value gore or something like that. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Seeing that store and walking it gives me a sense of realness I couldn't get from anywhere else, it makes him tangible. I'm never emotional when I am there because I feel like it wouldn't be appropriate. I never go alone, I've been 3 times and my brother accompanies me. We have fun on the trip, we laugh, we listen to music, we stop at restaurants and Walmarts and we have a fun time. But, we both know where we are going. We know things will be different when we get there. It's a quiet experience inside. We dont laugh and carry on in the store. He understands why I go there and he has never questioned me about it.

The second time I went, I cried when I got home. I cried for a long time. I wasnt really sure why, I just was. It was hard, harder than it had been the time before that. I didn't cry the last time I was there and I probably wont anymore when I return.

I have a connection to randy stair that I'm not sure can really be explained. I dont know how to explain it. Going to that store and seeing it, touching it, makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone. Obviously, I know he isnt there, hes dead.

I've put off writing this post for several reasons, one of them is that I dont want anyone to think im being offensive or turning the death of the people who worked there or Randy's death into an attraction of sorts. I dont see it as anything like that at all. I understand the difference between interested or morbid obsession and that is not what I am doing. The other reason is that I just wasn't sure how to explain it. The last time I went, my mother asked me what makes me go there and the response I gave her was that it makes me feel better, it reminds me that he was real. He was there.

And That's why I do it. It makes him real. It makes him important.

Even though most people dont even know who he was or what he did, he was real. It makes him real to me.

I know that this was rather long and drawn out and if you took the time to read it, I really appreciate it and I hope it can give anyone who asked me why I go there the answer they looked for. I know this kind of conversation isnt really relative to what i mostly post and I hope I didn't offend or upset anyone who finds these kinds of things hard to talk about.

I know randy stair isnt really a well known person of interest in the true crime community so I'm sure most people see my posts and dont even know who I'm talking about lmao but, I hope this could offer some clarity. I'm always always always open to talking about randy or my trips to Weis, so please, as always, feel free to message me if you want to talk!

#personal #randy stair #andrew blaze #pioneers productions #mine

[im-the-punk-who]

Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that 

i’m seriously...so tired of being alone lmao. and i know everyone is - we’re all alone right now. but my alone-ness started before the pandemic - in fact i was just starting to be ready to climb out of it when this whole thing hit, and i’ve been stuck in a place i’m ready to move on from with no real way to do so. 

Steve got all the friends in the breakup. all but maybe four friends have either stopped talking to me completely, or only in that vague facebook way when i ask directly for help. I’ve lost probably 90% of the personal connections I made during the last five years. And I can’t make any new ones, not only because of the pandemic, but because i’m terrified of...what will happen when I inevitably fail again. I know i’m not good at making and keeping friends. It wasn’t ever something i was taught how to do, seeing as i never stayed in one place long enough to have them when i was growing up. i learned to be alone, and depend on myself. i learned that trusting other people was how you got hurt, and ostracized, and hurt, and hurt. 

and i really have tried? i have tried and tried and tried to tell people this, to make them understand that to be my friend means to accept this, to TELL me when i’m not being a good friend, or when i’m going too long talking to them. when they feel ignored. when i do something insensitive. 

and yet all i get is ‘oh no i would never do that to you, i’ll never leave you, well I love you and i understand and i think youre great.’

and it’s. god it’s so disheartening because then when i DO inevitably fuck up, push things to far because i get hyperfixated and nothing else matters- not even the boundaries of the people i care about - i’m the bad guy. i’ the one who didnt listen. im the one who didnt care. i’m the one who left, who was too insensitive.

and i’m not saying i am not or wasnt those things. i was. but i try - god i always fucking TRY to explain at the outset that i am like this because i have no frame of reference to be anything else. that i am trying but i need HELP. i dont need understanding, and while compassion is nice and love is great, what i need sometimes is a slap over the head.

and yet every time i get this. ‘i’ll never leave you’ - at this point i’m so conditioned to losing people that say this, I accept that at the point someone says that to me, the relationship is over. 

Steve said that to me six months into when we were dating. I knew the night we got together we weren’t going to work. but for three years i hung onto the hope that if i tried hard enough to change myself, that if i hung on that the kinks would iron out. i was fucking stupid. i was really, really fucking stupid. i wish i had been more honest, and open, and i wish i hadn’t tried so hard to insist that it was just trauma, or immaturity, or that we would grow into being able to cooexist.

The sun peeks over the horizon in a futile attempt to catch a glimpse of the night sky that is now retreating in its presence, for no two things so entirely opposite could ever coexist in the same place at the same time.

I wonder how that escaped our notice for so long.

i’m obsessed with trying to grow and fix and heal and try. i fail, but i am always trying. steve excels at accepting themselves for who they are. their flaws are their flaws and they are okay with that. 

like i said. this wasn’t news to me in 2016, and it sure as hell wasn’t news in 2019. 

i am feeling abandoned and hopeless and now, without a way forward since any funds and all the work i put into myself over the past 8 years - believing if i was successful enough and i could at least hold up my financial stability as proof that i was different (from my siblings, since my parents always said the reason they would never loan me money was because my siblings were all deadbeats who had never paid them back a dime) - believing that if I at least had that, i could accept that personally i was a failure. that it wouldn’t be a failure if i had something to balance the scales. i am dreading the emotional response when my credit score - which was finally consistently in the high 700s and low 800s, plummets to 680 because i have maxed out every source of money i have trying to stay alive and keep my pets alive, with vet bills and a roof over out heads. it seems small and inconsequential and it shouldn’t matter so much. but it does. that number represents years of sacrifice. that number represents the fact that i was getting somewhere. that i had value i could measure(which may seem unhelpful, but it was. it was beyond helpful for my self esteem and confidence to know i had assets i could use to help myself and those i cared about.)

and now i’ve lost both and i know the mountain is not unclimbable and i know the path i have to take and i know i can make it. but it also means i know the rocks i will stumble on, i know the caves that smell like death i will have to shelter in. i know the cold and damp i will endure. i know how many times i will stumble and fall and bleed and cry and scar. i’m fucking tired, and i’m alone, and knowing it gets better doesn’t make it any easier. knowing how to make it better doesn’t make it any quicker or less painful. and there is still that pesky thing called personal relationships that i will once again have to put aside to stabilize my financial life. again. 

i am bitter. i am trying not to be. but i am. i’m so fucking bitter that i am never going to get an apology, or even an acknowledgment of the fact that the hurt went both ways. that i am going to be the bad guy to people who said (not just steve) that they would love me and would understand and would support me. that i did not even warrant an explanation to their disappearance, as if my sins themselves were explanation enough. as if i know what i did and am the only one at fault. i still see pictures of steve alongside the people i still think of as my friends and they look happy and like they are at least not alone, and i have not heard from anyone since before the start of this year. 

no matter what i do it always leads to the same outcome.

I am so goddamn fucking tired. i am trying not to panic. i am trying so hard to be conscious of the patterns i will fall into. of the patterns i fell back into with steve. i am writing everything down in the hopes that if i survive this i will be able to track myself better. to be more aware of myself. 

sorry means nothing if you don’t change your behavior. 

sorry isnt what i want. it’s never what i want. i want to see that no one will go through what you put me through. what we put ourselves through. 

i am feeling very alone, and i wish i had something to hold onto, someone i could talk to who would understand. but they’re all gone. i dont want to open up to anyone anymore. 

and i know this wouldnt be as bad if i could make some new friends, if i was working, if i had something i could do to throw my focus into. i’ve always been great at distraction.

anyway my plan is to get super drunk on shitty beer in the true fashion of my alcoholic family lineage because i’ve given up on healthy coping mechanisms. those didn’t work, so at least these ones feel better. 

#personal post #alcohol mention #depression mention #uhhhh just a lot of really unhealthy behavior #bad relationships and drama and just a lot of shit #feel free not to read this is 100% just for me so i have a record #also really not looking for advice i promise you ive heard it or thought it or tried it

[winterbl0ss0m]

oh yeah i forgot to do this earlier oops

thank you @thefandomsurfer for tagging me:D

rules: pick 5 shows then answer the questions given, dont cheat, then tag some people.

(spoiler warning ahead)

1. Death Note

2. Tokyo Ghoul

3. Attack On Titan

4. Aggretsuko

5. Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid

- Who is your favorite character in 2? ~ I have so many favorites ohmygod i love Hinami, Akira, Saiko, Arima, and Koori, however my top favorites (cant choose between the two, and would also be my Top favorite characters of all) are Mutsuki and Suzuya (big surprise). I LOVE THEY

- Who is your least favorite character in 1? ~ i mean i dont really have a “least favorite” but tbh i wasnt so fond of Near and Mello, i found L to be far superior and i feel that the series went downhill a bit after L’s death. i did like Near and Mello just i wasnt as attached to them as i was to L.

- What is your favorite episode of 4? ~ tbh i enjoy the first episode where everything is introduced and finding that sweet lil red panda could be so ANGRY, as well as 5, where her karaoke performances is exposed to Gori and Washimi.

- What is your favorite season of 5? ~ MKDM only has one season *a single tear falls*

- Who is your favorite couple in 3? ~ i feel like the aot characters are too caught up in “holy shit i might die gotta kill these huge naked mfs” to be coupley and personally i dont find many to be compatible oops however i think that jean x armin and connie x sasha could be cute. i used to love eremika until some recent chapter of the manga where the shiganshina trio got in a fight. idk i gotta revisit aot

- Who is your favorite couple in 2? ~ ight im not a hardcore shipper but i do have some ships of tg,,,, MutsUrie, AkirAmon, AyaHina, and TouKen are what come to mind.

- What is your favorite episode of 1? ~ i enjoy the second episode where L reks Light by the fake tv cast, and episode 14 where rem is introduced (she threatens to write Light’s name in her own death note if he kills Misa)

- What is your favorite episode of 5? ~ episode 1 where everything is introduced, episode 5 where Tohru goes to Kobayashi’s work place and Fafnir and Makoto are introduced to each other, and episode 13 where Tohru’s father comes to take her back.

- What is your favorite season of 2? ~ i’ll be honest, i think the Tokyo Ghoul anime sucks ass however season 1 and 3 were easily the best out of what was made. however i wish some studio would make a reboot for it.

- How long have you watched 1? ~ i’d started it, around early 2017 i think, then kinda dropped it. later my friend let me borrow the manga, and later i finally watched it all around mid 2018. so like 2-3 years

- How did you become interested in 3? ~ my two best friends were huge weebs and they both loved aot so after i had watched ohshc and dropped death note i was like huh they like aot a lot so why not give it a try and boom i hyperfixated on it for about two months

- Who is your favorite actor in 4? ~ i literally have no clue who the VAs are oops

- Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? ~ aagghhhh ok probably Death Note. Tokyo Ghoul is my favorite overall series however i feel the anime adaptation was destroyed,, like it was so bad- especially season 2, it was an absolute dumpster fire. i love MKDM but i prefer Death Note’s intricacy over it, since MK is more of a simple slice of life.

- Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? ~ i finished both but aot has more episodes so imma go with that

- If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be? ~ receptionist because im irrelevant anyway. jk uh idk maybe Retsuko since i’d love to be able to do screams and growls like that (i looooove metal music but i dont think i am nor will be any good at singing lol)

- Could a crossover between 3 and 4 work? ~ hm... massive naked human-eating monsters vs animals at their desk jobs..... yeah sure

- Overall, which show has a better storyline, 3 or 5? ~ aot definitely, MKDM again is mainly just a slice of life while aot has more to it, and action as well as emotional moments tbh

- Which has better music, 2 or 4? ~ i know i said i love metal music but imma say 2. i hate the anime but damn did some MASTERPIECES come out of it- unravel, seijatachi, asphyxia, half, and katharsis are all really emotional once you think about it and have been stuck in my head for the past week. they have a good tune and lyrics. lovelovelove tokyo ghoul’s soundtrack. unravel and half are some of my all time favorite songs in general so thats saying a lot tbh

uhhhhh i really dont know who to tag lol i hardly have any followers so uh @ whoever i guess

#this was pretty cool uwu #tag #tagged #questions #shows

[koukoupepia]

I really really like your fic Vaka, ditto for the accompanying illustrations (and all of your art too its incredible). I wanted to ask if you had any writing advice, both in general and in writing longer stories like Vaka. are there ever times when your motivation lessens, and if so how do you push past it? Thank you for you time, and again i really like your creative output, i hope 2019 is a good year for you

thank you, that means a lot and im glad you enjoy it!!!

funny, this is the first time I’ve gotten asked about how i write. i havent published any writing online before. vaka wasnt supposed to be this long or take this long to write (i’d originally estimated it to be 20k words max, HAHA) but it has a mind of its own and the reason why ive kept writing it is because the part i really wanted to write near the end and i never stopped really wanting to write it, so here i am

starting was the perfect storm of 

1) needing to find catharsis for some specific traumatizing life events that i havent been able to find through illustration, and its been eating at me for years because i just never found a proper way to talk about it

2) having a new hyperfixation  

3) having seen a fanart that have me ideas but not much desire to execute them yet, and having it boil in my brain for a couple weeks 

4) being a senior in illustration makes you really sick of looking at pictures and i needed some other form of enrichment 

AND FINALLY 

5) coming home from the front bottoms concert last year feeling like having so much fun was a spiritual experience and for some damn reason i sat down at 2am and starting writing a fic i never intended to write 

i have had my motivation lessen lately – the early chapters took me one or two weeks to write. the latest ones have taken me ~2 months to write. i got worried that maybe some subject matters were too heavy and i wasnt sprinkling it with enough lighthearted stuff to better balance it; got worried i might upset some readers in a bad way. felt like writing a horribly emo kh fic was stupid and got self conscious. got stuck for a long time bc some of the issues i worked into the characters were too personal. remembered i still wanted to write the ending, because i need to see if it really will make me feel better. i keep going through that cycle. best way keep going depends on what ails you. sometimes you need a break? sometimes you have ideas but you cant get the words out, and you need to read something, literally anything else to see how other people write their words? sometimes you just need a routine because your schedule is too wack (probably part of why writing has been harder for me since i graduated.)

i dunno if this was helpful at all, i dont know how to explain my writing process when i havent been doing it for long enough to have a process, lmao

#ask

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal